Top 200 Quotes From Soap

Jodie: I'm in for a sex change.
Barney: Why do you wanna change sex? If I remember correctly, it was pretty terrific!

Announcer: Now that Corinne has walked out on two mothers, does that make her ineligible for the Daughter of the Year Award?

Chief: Alright, what can we assume from the fact that he was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated, and bludgeoned?
Jodie: That he didn't commit suicide.

[Jodie has learned that psychotherapy could take years]
Dr. Rudolph: Mr. Dallas, there are no shortcuts.
Jodie: What about hypnosis? I read that some woman someplace was brought back to another life or something and in a matter of moments, it became why she cried every time she wore a hat.
Dr. Rudolph: Hypnotherapy is a tool, but it's not always effective, Mr. Dallas. There are dangers.
Jodie: Like what?
Dr. Rudolph: Well, it is conceivable that I couldn't bring you back. You could actually get locked into another time period. Then I'd get sued up the heebee.
Jodie: I'd sign a waiver releasing you of all liabilities.
Dr. Rudolph: Then again, hypnotherapy can prove to be extremely valuable.
[takes out a waiver to sign and a file folder]
Dr. Rudolph: Would you be interested in some other forms of psychiatric shortcuts?
Jodie: Like what?
Dr. Rudolph: [produces a form] Oh, the sensory-deprivation tank.
Jodie: What's this?
Dr. Rudolph: Trust me, you'll love it.
[produces another form]
Dr. Rudolph: Then there's LSD-25. A very fine alternative.
Jodie: No. No acid. I draw the line at hallucinogenics.
Dr. Rudolph: [puts the form away] Good, just testing. It's illegal, anyway.

Jessica: Billy, come sit down next to mummy. C'mon. Now, you remember when I told you about the good and the bad beans? Well, what you're about to hear is going to sound like some very bad beans. In fact, if Juan Valdez had beans like these, that man would shoot his donkey and burn the mountain.

Leslie: Billy, I have a little present for you.
Billy: Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Leslie: I quit my job.
Billy: That's my present?
Leslie: I applied for a job at the university last semester and it came through.
Billy: So that means...?
Leslie: Exactly.
Billy: [nods] What does it mean?
Leslie: It means that I'm no longer your teacher. Mrs. Fairbanks is your teacher now. See?
Billy: You mean I have to take out Mrs. Fairbanks?
Leslie: You're eighteen. You're a man. I'm no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present.
[amorously]
Leslie: And tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.
Billy: I'd better start thinking of a wish.

Chester: Benson, why is it everyone else's toast is a nice, normal color and mine is always black?
Benson: Black ain't a nice, normal color?
Chester: Not for toast, now why does mine look like this?
Benson: Because it's burnt.

[Chester has just found out that Danny is his son]
Chester: Mary, why didn't you ever tell me?
Mary: I didn't know.
Chester: For twenty-eight years?

Burt: I love bagels - love 'em! Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods, which is something most people don't know. For instance, there's absolutely no safe way to slice a bagel, except maybe you get someone else to do it for you. I mean, you have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half along with a bagel. You go to any synagogue, I mean, you'll see half the congregation has a finger missing.

Chester: [Alone in the kitchen, talking to himself] Well, that's it. I can't go on. My life is over. My wife is in jail, the only woman I ever really loved. My career is over. I'll be in jail for embezzlement. I can't go on. Might as well... end it all. I'll leave a note. Paper, I need paper. The important thing is how to do it. I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain. I want it... pleasant. Oh, that's wonderful, Tate - you want a pleasant suicide. Why not have it catered?

Mary: Jodie is going to be a father.
Jessica: Dennis is pregnant?

Young: Wait 'til you hear what I have to tell you...
Young: I know what it is. Darlene Cooke goes all the way. Patty told me. Who cares?
Young: No, it's not that. It's something else that-Darlene Cooke goes all the way?
Young: That's what Patty said.
Young: Who did she go all the way with?
Young: Omega Delta. But Patty lies.
Young: Omega Delta? Is that a foreign student?
Young: Jess, it's a fraternity, not a person.
Young: I see... well, Mary, that's good, huh? If she'd gone all the way with a person, she might have ended up preggers.

Danny: Jodie's a fruit.
Elaine: Well, hey, who's family is perfect? My father is a gangster.

Mary: I want you to leave - now!
Ingrid: I would be delighted, But I will be back! I am not finished with this family. I won't rest until I've destroyed every last one of you! Ha!

Heinrich: You. You are the black servant Benson?
Benson: [affecting a Japanese accent] No, I am Japanese houseboy Moto!

Chester: I want to thank you personally for convincing us to listen to the major.
Benson: Hey, he said he had a plan. I didn't know he was gonna form a basketball team.
Detective: You're a man short.
Chester: You're a man, short!
Detective: You're a man, fat!

The: Accept me now! Do not resist any longer because you cannot succeed. Your soul is mine for eternity. I have won! Give up and come to me.
Jessica: We will never give up. Never! There is not a man or spirit in this world or any other that will break my family. We've lived through too much in our lives already to give it up to you! We've lived through sorrow and separation and death and destruction and we're still together because we love each other and love is what holds us together. So, if you intend to stay, we will fight you to the end and let me tell you, we will fight! And with God's help, you will never have us and you will never have this baby! Never! You have come to the wrong house!
[the devil is driven out, leaving behind a perfectly normal baby]

[Approaching Eunice to be a character witness at Jessica's murder trial]
Mallu: Do you have any secrets.
Eunice: No.
Benson: Wanna bet?
Eunice: No one knows.
Benson: I know.
Eunice: You're the only one who knows.
Benson: Well if I know you never know who else knows.
Eunice: You're right. I can't testify.
Mallu: I know!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]
Jodie: I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.
[Burt and Danny laugh]
Burt: What do you mean "I never throw up"?
Jodie: I *never* throw up!
Burt: [laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."
Danny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.
Jodie: Oh, yeah?
Danny: Yeah!
Jodie: Okay. Take your best shot.
Danny: Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...
Bob: [revolted] Stop! Stop!
Danny: I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...
Jodie: Get me a spoon.
Danny: And it's out in the hot sun...
Jodie: Oh, I love it.
Danny: And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.
Bob: [gagging] Oh, god! Stop!
Jodie: See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.
Danny: I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

Claire: You're going to sell my apartment? And where am I supposed to live - in the car?
Chester: No, well, no, because remember I'm selling that.

[Jessica telling off the devil]
Jessica: I hope you realise I'm holding you personally responsible for any and all damages done to these premises! (To chester) Except of course for the spoon that got caught in the garbage disposal. I don't think I can blame him for that.

Charles: Danny, when you said you couldn't kill your stepfather, we said we were gonna kill you. But then my daughter interceded and saved your life. But when she did that, I told you that you still owed us a favor. Well, this is it. You either marry my daughter or I'll kill you. It's that simple - marry Elaine or I'll blow your brains out! Well, what's it gonna be?
Danny: Is it too late to kill my stepfather?

Dr. Saxon: We can keep him on a dialysis machine for a while, but eventually we'll have to have a donor with his exact blood and tissue type.
Jodie: Doc, what you mean is the donor has to be a blood relative.
Dr. Saxon: Yes.
Mary: That's me, I'll do it.
Jodie: No, Ma, I'll give him one of mine.
Mary: No, Jodie. I'll do it. You can start the procedures anytime.
Dr. Saxon: Actually, Mary, Jodie's kidneys would really be...
Mary: Danny is my son. I'll do it.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Burt: Mare, I know we all want to contribute here, but...
Mary: Why is everyone ganging up on me?
Burt: Mare, please... nobody's ganging up.
Mary: I'll do it and that's that!
Dr. Saxon: Mary, let me say something to you. I've been your doctor for a long time. Your kidneys are fine and they'll last you all your life, but you need both of them. And even if you could conceivably function with only one, it wouldn't be strong enough to support Danny. Medically, you're an unsuitable donor. I'm sorry. Jodie, if you're agreeable, we'll start running some tests now.
Mary: Excuse me. Would you all please leave me alone with Jodie for a moment?
[everyone but Mary and Jodie leave]
Jodie: OK, Ma. What is it?
Mary: You can't give Danny your kidney.
Jodie: I'm his brother.
Mary: No, you're not.
Jodie: What?
Mary: Jodie, you and Danny are not brothers.
Jodie: But we have the same mother.
Mary: Oh, yes. Yes.
Jodie: But we don't have the same father?
[Mary looks at Jodie gravely]

Danny: Jodie, you're going away for the weekend to the beach with a girl?
Chuck: Wonderful. I hope she takes a book to read.

[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems]
Chester: It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do.
Jessica: Chester.
Chester: It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear.
Jessica: Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember.
Chester: Remember what?

Harold: Scared?
Burt: [startled] What?
Harold: You're scared stiff.
Burt: Hey, hey, I'm not scared stiff. What have I got to be scared stiff of?
Harold: Well, you got a guy talkin' to ya that changes hats every ten seconds. You got a lady over there who thinks NBC is trying to kill her by shooting death rays into her, so we can't watch Johnny Carson. Got a guy over there thinks he's the Incredible Hulk's cousin... by marriage.
Burt: Okay, okay, so I'm a little scared.
Harold: You'd be crazy if you weren't.

E. Ronald Mallou,: Y'see, I usually rely on putting my clients on the stand to testify in their own defense. But I mean, in this case, put her on the stand? Might as well strap her in, shave her head, and attach the electrodes right there!

[last lines]
Announcer: Jessica Tate did NOT kill Peter Campbell. One of these five people did.
[Cut to still shots of Chester, Jodie, Corinne, Benson, and Burt]
Jessica: I'm innocent.
Announcer: WHO killed Peter Campbell?

Chester: Just coffee, Benson.
Jessica: Ah, dear, it's Eggs Benedict!
Chester: Jessica, do you know the cholesterol count of that? You might just as well get a gun and put it to my head!
Benson: Now you're talking!

Jodie: Listen, Carol. We'll work out the visitation rights. I won't be any problem.
Carol: [coldly] No need.
Jodie: Carol, don't be bitter.
Carol: Why should I be bitter? This isn't over yet. And when it is over, you're gonna wish you never had a daughter!

Burt: [about the alien who will be impersonating him] Is he - is he gonna sleep with my wife?
Chief: Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for two thousand years!

Danny: It's only about seven o'clock now. You wanna go out?
Polly: Sure, let's go.
Eddie: [from the other room] Have her home by eight.

[in a sex therapist's office]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Mary: Burt can't have sex with me.
Burt: Great. Why don't you tell the whole world, Mary. Or better yet put it in the Yellow Pages under Burt.

Mary: [looking in the family photo album] Who's that?
Jessica: Well, I don't know who it is, Mary, but I saw "The Exorcist" and that face is worse.
Benson: Oh, that's Mr. Tate.

Sally: If Al Pacino ever saw you, he'd probably never leave his house again. I mean, why bother?
Danny: Well, I don't know about that.
Sally: Believe me.
Danny: [smirks] He is a little short, I hear.

[Burt arrives at Dr. Saxon's office, carrying a basketball for his latest world record attempt]
Burt: 22 hours... 22 hours I've been dribbling this.
Dr. Saxon: Burt...
Burt: I dribbled on the train. I dribbled down the street. I dribbled in the subway where I almost got killed. Four black guys tried to take it from me. And what happens? In *your* office, one of your stupid nurses slaps it out of my hand?

Barney: You and the quarterback? And you and a priest? And you and a married congressman? And I thought Jews liked to suffer.

Corinne: I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.
Eunice: Come on, Corinne you're not allowed to lie.
Corinne: It's the truth.
Eunice: Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?
Corinne: That's the one.
Eunice: I can't believe it. I mean it took me twenty years to believe she did it with daddy.

Jessica: I'm scared, Benson. I mean, every once in a while it just kinda hits me - I'm on my way to the big home for a mur...
Benson: House, house - big house.
Jessica: Yeah, right, for a murder I did not commit. I mean, me, Benson. This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week.
Benson: Eden, Barbara Eden.
Jessica: Right. And here I am and it isn't a movie and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me.
Benson: Slammer.

[Danny and Polly have gone to a real estate office to buy a home together]
Mr. Rosen: Sorry about the wait, you're next.
[Danny and Polly start toward his desk]
Mr. Rosen: [to Danny] I'm sorry, young fellow, but I think this young lady was ahead of you.
Danny: No, you don't understand...
Mr. Rosen: There's no rush. There's plenty of houses. All kinds of houses. Houses, houses! Rosen has hundreds of houses!
Polly: We're together.
Mr. Rosen: I haven't got a thing.
Danny: Hey!
Mr. Rosen: Joking, just some humor, please sit down, I got plenty, sit down.
[they sit]
Mr. Rosen: Crazy kids, crazy, crazy, crazy... What are you, crazy?
Polly: What do you mean?
Mr. Rosen: What do I mean? Look how you look: White, black; where do expect the live? In the land of Nod and Oz and Disney World? It's crazy!
Polly: All right, fine. Danny we don't need this.
Danny: We'll go someplace else.
Mr. Rosen: Wait, listen. Please sit down. I happen to have the same situation. My daughter is married to a black fella. Nice man, tall. But they have problems. People like them have problems, it's a social fact. You should see where *they* live and I sold them the house!
Polly: What do you recommend?
Mr. Rosen: I recommend you find yourself a nice black fella and you find yourself a nice Jewish girl.
Danny: I'm not Jewish.
Mr. Rosen: You won't regret it.

Eunice: [Picking up magazine from Billy's dresser] Do you read this filth?
Billy: No, Eunice. I look at the pictures.
Eunice: How can you even bring it into the house?
Billy: Because I like it, Eunice. I like naked ladies. I like to look at them. I like to be near them. And some day, Eunice, given the opportunity, I would like to touch them!
Eunice: You're sick!
Billy: Fine, I'm sick. Coming from a person who has never seen herself nude, I take that with a grain of salt!

Millie: You seem to be sitting here so quiet. Is something the matter?
Corinne: See, my husband was a priest and he left the church for me, which made him feel so guilty that he went to live in a cave, but then our son was born possessed and he came back to perform the exorcism and when it was over, I thought it would change things, but no, we wouldn't go near me, he wouldn't touch me and the other day he left me!
[hold out her hand]
Corinne: I'm Corinne.
Millie: [puzzled] Millie.
Corinne: Nice meeting you.

Burt: You see, it was while I was invisible.
E. Ronald Mallou,: Oh. Uh, thank you, Mr. Campbell.
[privately to Mr. Tate]
E. Ronald Mallou,: Teriffic. Invisible? Put him on the stand, we might as well throw a bag over her head and tell the squad to fire right there!

[repeated lines]
Benson: [Doorbell rings] You want me to get that?
Jessica: If you don't mind.

Mary: The Devil isn't here because of you. He's here in spite of you.

Benson: Mrs. Tate, before you go flying down to Rio, I think you should know what happens if you do.
Jessica: What?
Benson: They keep the bail money Mr. Tate put up.
Jessica: They do?
Benson: Which means he loses the house and all the savings, so while you're down there on a conga line he's gonna be up here on a bread line.

[last lines]
Chief: It's Corinne.
Jessica: [dumbfounded] Corinne?
Chief: Corinne Tate, you're under arrest for the murder of Peter Campbell.
Corinne: [looks pleadingly to Jessica] Ma?

Chester: You know what you've turned into? You have turned into a wife. You're fired, Claire!
Claire: Oh, no. I'm not fired, Chester.
Chester: Yes, you are! I'm the boss, and I have fired you.
Claire: Wrong, Chester! I am now the the boss. You see, you fire me and I tell Jessica everything!
Chester: Fine, tell Jessica. She'll never believe you.
Claire: ...And then maybe I'll call the SEC and tell them what you did with the Whitney trust fund.
Chester: They'll believe you.

The: What is this? A musical?

Announcer: This is the story of two sisters. Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. These are the Tates, and these are the Campbells, and this is Soap.
Jessica: [after Burt and Chester start a physical altercation] Hey! Stop!
[soon the whole family tries to stop Burt and Chester from fighting]

Chester: Benson, every morning it's the same thing. I ask for poached eggs, I get scrambled, I ask for shirred eggs, I get scrambled, I ask for sunny side up, I get scrambled! I never get what I want!
Benson: Why don't you ask for scrambled?

Announcer: In last week's episode of SOAP, Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family. Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility, Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity, Elaine wants to marry him anyway! Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children.

E. Ronald Mallu: I object, your honor. The court has indulged the counsel long enough. One wonders if he even has a surprise witness at all!
Judge: The court will allow you a minute or two longer, but that's all. Everyone relax.
Chief: Have I got time to go to the bathroom?
Judge: Don't take anything to read.

Jodie: Plato was gay.
Jessica: Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?
Jodie: Goofy was his lover.

Burt: A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

E. Ronald Mallu: [Confessing his love for Jessica] At first I thought you were a lunatic. Then, as I got to know you, I thought you were the most outrageous and impossible woman I ever met. Now I find you the most original and delightful.

Heinrich: I am Heinrich Himmel, a private investigator hired by Corinne Tate's mother. May I come in?
Mary: Yes.
Heinrich: I think you should know there is a broken bathtub on your lawn and it looks disgusting.

Charles: [looking in paper bag] Yuck! What is that, is that a finger? Tell Gomez, I know him 20 years - he kills a man, I take his word for it!

Chester: [after tasting his coffee] Benson! Did you put sugar in this?
Benson: Is it sweet?
Chester: Very!
Benson: Then I guess I did.
Chester: Benson, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm a diabetic, I can't have sugar.
Benson: Oh, I keep thinking it's salt you can't have.
Chester: I can't have salt either, Benson.
Benson: [pointing at the coffee cup] Ain't no salt in there.

Jessica: It was Burt! It was Burt who said he loved "The Exorcist"! Either that or "The Sound of Music." He was raving about one of 'em. Chester, do you think it could have been Burt?

[at the custody hearing, Carol has spun a manipulative lie in court, reducing everyone, including Jodie's lawyer, to tears]
Mallou: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Jodie: It's a fairy tale. It's not real.
Mallou: Neither is "Bambi". Doesn't matter, it's moving, isn't it? Remember the bunny?

Father: [praying] I understand tests, and I know you've given some humdingers in your day, but are you gonna send Corinne in once a week for the rest of my life? Because if you are, I think we're gonna have a week there that could embarrass everyone.

E. Ronald Mallu: Now, in your lifetime, have you ever killed anything?
Jessica: No, never. Unless you want to count the times that I accidentally stepped on ants.
Mr. Franklin: I object!
Jessica: [distraught] Mr. Franklin, you can't help stepping on them! They're so tiny! But I never put out ant poisoning, and I never deliberately tried to kill them!
Mr. Franklin: ...I'm sorry.

Saul: I'm 4064 years old. What do you think I owe it to, a terrific moisturizer?

Polly: Mr. Rosen, may I ask you a question?
Mr. Rosen: Why not?
Polly: How did you deal with your daughter in love with a black man?
Mr. Rosen: At first, I was so upset I fasted for six hours. Then I said to myself: "Dundel, you're Jewish. There are people who are not so crazy about you, either!" And I realized hating was a disease and I was not gonna be a carrier.
Danny: How is your daughter doing?
Mr. Rosen: Great, fine. They're in love! What do they know?
Danny: That's wonderful.
Mr. Rosen: My wife, however, was committed three years ago.

Announcer: This is the story of two sisters; Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as "Rich". Jessica likes life. The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music. The Tates have more secrets than they do money. We're approaching Mary Campbell's house. Mary too likes life. Unfortunately, life doesn't seem too crazy about her. As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates. They do, however, have as many secrets.

Jessica: I feel kind of funny discussing out marital problems with a minister.
Chester: I feel funny discussing it with anybody.
Jessica: Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest. Well, it would be like discussing a film with a blind man. A rabbi would be nice, they seem very wise. But I suppose you have to be Jewish. I wonder which religion does the biggest business in this sort of thing.

Heinrich: I swear, I don't know how you people won the war.I never saw a nation of such utter fools. Except in Italy. But they of course can cook. You people, you can't even do that!

Mary: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

Mary: You mean, you're in love with a hooker you haven't even... hooked?
Danny: You'd love Gwen. Everybody does.
Mary: That's the problem!

Dr. Medlow: I've never seen that before - invisible.
Mary: What can be done?
Dr. Medlow: Well, in the movie Claude Rains covered himself with a bandage from heat to foot and wore sunglasses.

Chester: Jess, you have to know that I didn't even know who you were when I was sleeping with Mary. Really, I didn't even know your name. I thought it was Jennifer. I did! I thought your name was Jennifer.
Jessica: Chester, you married me without loving me and that's really the awful part.
Chester: But I fell in love with you, Jess. I did. You're right, not at first. At first, I thought you were a nice piece and if I had to get married, I could do a lot worse.
Jessica: Always the romantic.
Chester: But I fell in love with you, Jess. I swear I did.
Jessica: Chester, you certainly had peculiar ways of showing it.
Chester: Why? Because I cheated? Jess, I'll always cheat, I can't help it. I cheated on you, I cheated on the women I cheated on you with. I'll cheat on Annie. It doesn't mean that I didn't love you. I loved you, Jess. I guess I always will.
Jessica: You did grow to love me, Chester?
Chester: Very quickly and very easily.
Jessica: Then there's no necessity for forgiveness.
Chester: What about Mary?
Jessica: No... I can't forgive Mary. I'd like to, but in my heart, I cannot forgive Mary.

[Carol and her mother have shamelessly perjured against Jodie at the custody hearing]
Jodie: What do these notes mean we've been taking? What good are they? What good are these law books, for god's sakes? Nobody tells the truth around here! I mean am I going mad, or what?
Judge: Restrain him! Restrain him, please.
[the bailiffs grab Jodie]
Jodie: Why don't you just tar and feather me, for god's sakes.
Judge: Mr. Dallas, one more word out of you and I am gonna hold you in contempt!
Jodie: Only one more word? I have plenty of more words, your honor! How about mockery and disgrace?
[the bailiffs start to drag Jodie out]
Jodie: Because I've been hearing these words since this travesty began!

Barney: Jodie, did I ever tell you about my wife? I know, you're not in the mood right now to hear stories by old men, but you listen, because it could help. My wife, Jodie, oh-ho, my wife was a wonder. I swear, she was a miracle, Jodie. She used to walk down the street - the whole Bronx would light up. I used to stare at her in amazement, thinking how lucky I was. And after fifteen years, I still stared at that woman in amazement. She was all I needed, Jodie, I had the whole world right there. If I'd died, I could've died happy. The, uh... the trouble was, she died. One day, she wakes up - little lump. Six months later, bing bing. The light goes out on my life. Oh boy. I tell you, I walked around for months, I was doubled over. It was like somebody slugged me! I went through the normal routine of daily living, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom... and in between these three major activities, Jodie, there was... a lot of pain. I never thought 'I'm ever gonna fall in love again', bah. Well, a few years later, I met a redhead. Not like my wife, no. Entirely different. So, I ate, I slept, I went to the bathroom, and one day... I laughed. One day, I noticed, I laughed. Then another day I hummed. And then soon after... I sang. And well... I married her! Ah, Jodie, if we weren't happy... in an entirely different way, it wasn't better, it wasn't worse, it was... different. There I was, miserable Barney Gerber, happy again. Heh, you see, Jodie? You see how smart I was, I thought 'I'll never love again'. I thought 'I'll never be happy again'. I also thought... 'I'll never have to say goodbye again'. Yeah. Ten years we were happy, Jodie, and then one day... agh, some maniac with bourbon in his blood, something on his mind, runs through a red light... and stops Barney Gerber right in mid-song. Well. That was sixteen months ago. Since then, I have eaten, I have slept. Occasionally, I went to the bathroom, and I... I had a heart attack. So I said, 'Gerber that's all, you're finished, forget it. What, it's never going to happen again! Once was wonderful. Twice was incredible. A third time? Ah, you're kidding yourself. A third time would be asking for a miracle.' But you know something, Jodie? I don't really believe that! If I believed that, I wouldn't be here, in this hotel, letting them sew Dacron into my heart to hold it together. I wouldn't be here, begging my blood to visit my heart at least a few times a day, y'know, to keep it going! I wouldn't be here at all, Jodie, if I didn't believe it could be! A third time! Ah, listen, listen, mein kind, I know that you don't feel so terrific right now. But wait, Jodie. Wait! Someday, I guarantee you... you're going to hear somebody laughing. And you'll turn around... and it'll be you.

[Jessica has found out she's going to die]
Jessica: Chester, I think I'd like to wear my light green gown. Now, I know I look best in white lace, but I think it's kind of crazy to wear white when you're gonna have to wear it forever. And see, I don't know if there's a dry cleaner's in Heaven and I really want to look nice when the gentlemen come to call.
Chester: Gentlemen? Jess, aren't you gonna wait?
Jessica: For what?
Chester: For me.
Jessica: Chester, you might never get there.
[Chester nods in agreement]

Barney: So, that's your brother? Well, he's a nice boy. Looks like Anne Bancroft.

Chief: I have here a federal warrant for your arrest. It's brought by the Securities Exchange Comission on stack fraud and manipulation. I know it comes at a bad time, but I've managed to pull a few strings, so you can make bail and be at your wife's murder trial before the jury goes out.
[Walks over to Corinne and Billy]
Chief: Aw, bet you kids are gonna be lonely around here come the holidays.
[Waves goodbye and exits]
Chief: Well, have a nice day!

[Burt has been abducted by aliens and bound in an examination room]
Burt: Stay calm. Stay calm. Just think... stay calm here. I'll just analyze the situation. One of three things is going on here. Either I'm dreaming I'm on a spaceship, or... I'm on a spaceship, or I'm crazy.
[laughs]
Burt: I'm dreaming!
[laughs]
Burt: I'm in a dream. This is what happens when you eat pizza in bed.
[laughs]
Burt: It's time to wake up, though. Wake up, Burt!
[Aliens enter the room, talking amongst themselves]
Burt: Burt. Burt! Hey, Burt! Wake up, Burt! Burt! Come on, rise and shine, Burt!
[Burt looks over at the aliens nervously]
Burt: Crazy's looking good here.

Ingrid: You think I'm finished?
Jessica: No, Swedish.

Jessica: How do you keep your marriage trouble-free?
Minister: Divorce. Married sixteen years, my wife decided we had to have new carpeting in the family room. The guy came to lay the carpet, probably got a little confused about what he was there to lay. Left me with four rolls of Bigelow shag and took off with my wife.
Jessica: How awful.
Minister: Might have been an Indian.

Peter: Good ol' Chester has probably boffed a secretary or two in his day!
Jessica: [confused] Boffed?
Peter: Yeah. Chester's a guy.
Jessica: What is boffed?
Peter: It's, uh... it's what we just did, sweetheart.
Jessica: Oh! I didn't know you called it that.
Jessica: [laughing] To boff. That sounds like a name you'd give a puppy. Here, Boff, here Boff!

Mrs. David: There's no such thing as a girl homo
Alice: Yes there is.
Mrs. David: A girl homo? What do they call em, homettes?

Leslie: You're 18. You're a man. I am no longer bound by any legal or moral code. I can safely give you your present, and tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.
Billy: I'd better start thinking of a wish.

[first lines]
Jessica: [knocking at the bedroom door] Yoo hoo! May I come in?
Corinne: Sure, Ma.
Jessica: Corinne, it was such a beautiful wedding. And you were the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.
Corinne: Thanks, Ma.
Jessica: And Tim was so handsome. Oh, it just couldn't have been nicer. It's just a shame Bob got so drunk and hit Chuck.

Father: So that's your new mother?
Corinne: Yeah.
Father: I liked the old one better.

Mary: [about Elaine] . Danny, she's awful! She's selfish and sarcastic, *pushy* tactless, and cruel, obnoxious.
Danny: *And* her father will kill me if I *don't* marry her.
Mary: People can change.

Burt: In my job, you work very closely with the wife, and I did. I was with her all the time. And then I did little things when I saw the job was coming to an end, just to be with her. Like when I put in the kitchen, I left out the sink. She had to come tell me the sink was missing, so I could be with her. I left the toilet out of the bathroom... put in a closet that didn't open. No stairs, little things like that.

Elaine: [Holding Danny at gunpoint] Now take off that mask!
Danny: [pulls off mask] Hi.
Elaine: [awestruck] Hell-o!
Danny: Now listen, I'm not a burglar or anything.
Elaine: [eagerly] Are you a rapist?
Danny: Oh, no, no, no, nothin' like that, uh-uh.
Elaine: [deflated] Oh. Well, I wish you could have broken in a couple hours ago when I had some make-up on.

Mary: [at the sex therapist's office] This is a perfectly normal office.
Burt: Normal, huh? Take a look at some of these books: "Sexual Perversion: Fact or Fiction" Normal? "Sexuality in Infancy" Oh, I like that one a lot. "The Frigid Woman", "The Impotent Male" - I have to get out of here.

Jessica: Dutch, tell me: did you really kill a man?
Dutch: Yeah.
Jessica: Dead? You shot him dead?
Dutch: That's usually what happens in a successful killing.
Jessica: Of course.
Dutch: You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business. The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company. They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest. In the first week, when I couldn't come up with the dough, they broke my fingers. The second week, they broke my nose, two ribs and my knee. Plus the guy who was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough. The next week, they was gonna break my head, but I convinced them not to.
Jessica: How?
Dutch: Well, I talked to them for a while and then I shot 'em.
Jessica: I think that should be considered self-defense.
Dutch: It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the Chief of Police.

Nurse: [to Jodie] Your chart says you're here for a sex change operation. Why in the world would you want a sex change operation?
Barney: Look, I'm thinking of getting one myself next week. They say women live longer!

[repeated line]
Benson: I ain't cleanin' *this*.

Jessica: Oh, I wish I were Donna Reed. I mean, Donna Reed would have something wonderful to say. Or even Shirley Jones for that matter. She'd have something just as good to say and maybe even fresh-baked cookies! Or Loretta Young. Of course, she wouldn't have anything wonderful to say, but she would make a stunning entrance.

[last lines]
Chief: Now for the bad news.
Jessica: Couldn't we just forget about that?
Chief: On my little search through your house, I found the gun that shot Peter Campbell, I found the knife that stabbed Peter Campbell, and I found the brick that hit Peter Campbell.
[Turning to Jessica]
Chief: Now the gun was found in your drawer, the knife was found in your jewelry box, and the brick was found in your rose garden. Mrs. Tate, you are under arrest for the murder of Peter Campbell!

Judge: Mr. Dallas, I have seen your integrity, fervor and honesty. I'm impressed by your passion and fortitude. However, it has become apparent to me over these many years that an infant needs the kind of care that can best be given to it by its mother. Miss David, you have shown yourself to be a concerned parent.
Carol: Thank you.
Judge: Last night, I decided that your child would be better off with her mother.
Carol: Oh, thank you, your honor!
Judge: This morning, I received a call for *your* mother telling me she had lied on the stand on your behalf.
Carol: Your honor, I wanted my daughter so bad that I would have done anything to...
Judge: Forcing your own mother to commit perjury using her own grandchild as bait does not lead me to believe that this person has a clear understanding of what parenthood is all about. Mr. Dallas has that understanding. Therefore, I have decided to break with normal tradition and award custody of the infant Wendy to her father, Jodie Dallas. This hearing is adjourned.
[bangs the gavel]
Jodie: [approaches] You honor, I realize I've acted irrationally during these proceedings and I'm sorry. I know it's hard for you to know a person when that person's world is caving in all around him, because all you get to see is the fear and the craziness. So I thank you for looking beyond that.
Judge: Good luck, Mr. Dallas.

[Danny has gone looking for Polly and is greeted at the door by her brother, Eddie]
Danny: Hi.
Eddie: Make it fast.
[Danny starts to talk]
Eddie: We don't want any.
[slams the door]
Eddie: [Danny knocks again and Eddie answers]
Eddie: Yeah?
Danny: Is this 58 Milburn Street?
Eddie: Who wants to know?
Danny: I'm looking for Polly Dawson.
Eddie: I ain't her!
[slams the door]
Eddie: [Danny knocks harder and Eddie answers]
Danny: Do you have me confused with somebody you really hate?
Eddie: [holds up a fist] You see this?
Danny: Yes, I do. I see that.
Eddie: Take a good look at it, because in about two seconds it's gonna be behind you.

Chester: We really must replace Benson quickly.
Jessica: Well darling, I am trying. I've interviewed several people, but you see, those that cook don't clean and those that clean don't speak any identifiable language.

Corinne: The only reason I slept around so much is because I was frustrated.
Jessica: [under her breath] I'll just bet.
Corinne: Not like that. I slept with so many men because all I ever wanted was Tim, and I couldn't have him.

Dr. Medlow: Mr. Campbell, anything you say here is completely confidential.
Burt: Yeah? No matter how terrible it is?
Dr. Medlow: That's right. But Mr. Campbell--everyone who comes in here thinks they're going to tell me something I've never heard before... and it never happens. We all have the same problems.
Burt: Hey, hey, I know what you hear! You hear a guy fools around on his wife, you hear some guys like weird things in the bedroom, maybe one or two hate women. Maybe somebody's in love with a goat. That's nothing! What I got is big, I mean big! You'd be shocked.
Dr. Medlow: No, I won't.
Burt: Yes, you will.
Dr. Medlow: I guarantee I won't!
Burt: Oh, yeah?
Dr. Medlow: Try me.
Burt: I murdered my wife's first husband.
Dr. Medlow: [falling off his chair] My, that is a big one!

[on trying to establish alibi's for Peter's murder]
Chief: Where were you between midnight and 7am?
Chuck: I was with Bob here.
Bob: Yes he was I can vouch for him.
Chief: O.K. I can cross you off my list... wait a minute suspect number ten.
Bob: And eleven?
Chief: And eleven.

Jessica: Billy go get mother... something...
Billy: Why can't anybody in this family talk in front of me? For years I went around thinking a surprise party was being planned for me!

Ingrid: [beholding Burt, covered in soot from an explosion] This is your husband? Interesting man. Are you a chimney sveep?
Jodie: No, he's Al Jolson.

Barney: I don't know what the world is coming to anymore when a gay man, who was thinking of becoming a woman, then decides on suicide, turns out to be the most normal member of the family.

The: [about Jessica] When she was a little baby, she used to stand on my feet and I'd walk her around the room. She used to call it dancing. It ought to be a law... children can't go first. It isn't fair. She's still my little baby.

Mary: It's pornography.
Jessica: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

Jessica: How's Leslie?
Billy: She's fine!
Jessica: And Saunders?
Billy: Leslie shot him in the temple.
Jessica: I didn't know he was Jewish!

Father: Father Tim! What are you doing here?
Tim: I'm getting married. Didn't you know, Father?
Father: You mean priests can marry now?
Tim: No, Father. I'm no longer a priest.
Father: Oh. I thought it seemed too good to be true.

Dr. Medlow: Burt, I'm afraid you're a very sick man.
Burt: [nervously] Uh-huh?
Dr. Medlow: You have Mylar Syndrome. It's a very rare blood disease.
Burt: Yeah, so what's the cure?
Dr. Medlow: There is no cure.
Burt: What happens? You mean it just goes away all by itself?
Dr. Medlow: I'm afraid not.
Burt: What happens?
Dr. Medlow: It's fatal, Burt. I'm sorry.

Burt: I figured out who did it.
Chuck: [Bob] Oh, I can't wait to hear.
Burt: The Tates did it.
Chuck: All of them?
Burt: That's right. One used a brick, another a gun, another a knife. Most families go on picnics together; these people kill.

Chief: [Pointing at Benson] He's a suspect.
Chester: Why?
Chief: Well, for two reasons. Number 1, because he's black.
Benson: [nodding] That's fair.
Chief: And the other reason is because he's the butler. And we all know in many, many cases like this the butler did it.

Jessica: All my life, people have always believed me. See, I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."

[the Major sees Millie at a dinner party]
The: Fifi? Fifi, what are you doing here?
Millie: I'm sorry, but...
The: Fifi, I told you it had to end. It was only a wartime thing. You have a husband at the front, I have a wife back home. It was short, it was beautiful and I shall treasure the moments always, but it's over, Fifi. Remember me as I will remember you and let us say farewell. You will live in my heart forever.
[kiss her hand]
The: And you'd better see a doctor, you gave me some funny foreign thing.

Burt: You're perfectly sane. A four thousand year old man who knew Moses.
Saul: I didn't know Moses. My wife was two years behind him in school.

Eunice: I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a killer.
Dutch: I can't believe I'm sitting here with a rich girl.
Eunice: Well, you're really very nice.
Dutch: So are you. And you're very pretty.
Eunice: [Coyly] Oh.
Dutch: It's too bad I'm not a rapist.

Flo: I still don't know much about you, except what I hear around, that your mother's an adultress and your father's an embezzler. You bimbo! You probably had more men than the entire Marine Corps! You've ruined my life!
[Strangles Corinne until Tim intercedes]
Tim: Ma! Ma!
Flo: [grunting and panting like an animal] You want my blessing? Is that what you came for? I'll give you my blessing. This is my blessing: May you never have a happy moment again for the rest of your life! And if you marry, may you know no such thing as peace and quiet! May you know only hardship and suffering and loss! And may you know until your dying day, whatever misfortunes happen are on your heads!
[storms into kitchen, slams door]
Corinne: [Horrified, clinging to Tim] I can't believe it!
Tim: Either can I. Actually, she took it better than I thought.

[first lines]
Police: C'mon, Babette, you know it's illegal.
Babette: Oh, please - illegal? I told him he could go around the world for a hundred dollars. I'm a travel agent for God's sake!

[the Tates are discussing how to rescue Billy from a cult when a suddenly lucid Major demands the floor]
The: Now I know sometimes you don't like to listen to me and sometimes, I can understand why, but you must all listen to me now.
Chester: Major...
The: Shut up.
[opens a box of medals]
The: Now look here: this is the Silver Star, it was presented to me by Gen. Patton. This is a Bronze Star, I earned two of them. And this is the Purple Heart, Harry Truman pinned that on me himself. Now, I know you think I'm a foolish old man and sometimes I am, but that's my grandson in there. I got all these because I was a good soldier, I still am. I can get him out, I can do it! So you all had better listen to this old fool. Because that's our little boy.
Jessica: All right daddy, we're listening.
Chester: Go ahead, sir. Tell us your plan.
The: What plan?

Mary: It's awful, but I don't know that it's bigger.
Jessica: Two killers, Mary? I mean, I think two killers is bigger than a gay guy and one pregnant girl.
Mary: Yeah, I guess it's bigger.
Jessica: Although yours is big.
Mary: Of course it is!
Jessica: Just not bigger.
Mary: I would've had you if it had been Dennis.

Chuck: Look at that! A fruit fly!

[Danny is about to kiss Polly when a man approaches them]
Dr. Stegman: Excuse me...
Danny: [jumps to his feet] Alright, what's your problem, buddy?
[grabs his jacket]
Danny: What's your problem, huh? You don't like interracial interrelating?
Dr. Stegman: I could care less.
Danny: Well then, what are you gawking at?
Dr. Stegman: I was just gonna say hello.
Danny: Is that so?
Dr. Stegman: I'm your dentist!
[Danny crouches down and looks up at him with his mouth open]
Danny: Dr. Stegman, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you without your smock.

Chester: [about Benson] Why don't we fire him?
Jessica: Don't be silly, darling, we *can't" fire Benson.
Chester: And why not?
Jessica: Nobody but Benson would put up with us!

Danny: Women can't be gay. Because if men were gay and women were gay they'd cancel each other out.

Chester: Mr. Mallu, I, uh, can't testify.
E. Ronald Mallou,: Why not?
Chester: Well, my ex-mistress may report some illegal stock manipulation to the SEC. Actually, in a few days I may be needing your help. I was wondering, do you have family rates?

The: If my gun hadn't jammed, I'd have got him this time. Damned German patrol parties!
Jessica: There isn't a patrol party, Dad. It's our neighbor, Mr. Kirby.
The: You expect me to believe our neighbor is a Nazi?
Jessica: Of course he's not a Nazi! He just drives a Mercedes.
The: [to Chester] Colonel, who is this woman?

[last lines]
Chief: You sound funny. You must be one of them there foreigners, huh?
Ingrid: I am Ingrid Svenson. And I am Corinne's mother.
Chief: Wha - ?
Ingrid: [gives Tinkler a document] Here is the proof. Just look at that.

The: [plotting the jailbreak] The colonel will be driving one tank; I'll be driving the other. We shall rendezvous at 0700. Everyone synchronize your watches. It is now... threeish.

Mary: Ingrid didn't speak English so she didn't know that Randolph was peculiar.
Heinrich: I said no details! Peculiar is a detail! You are all peculiar!

Charles: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast. This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time - the marriage of my daughter. When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed I would take care of Elaine until the day she married, that she would never want for anything. I've kept that promise! And so I hand my daughter over to a fine young man who from now on will take care of her... because I'm completely cutting her off! She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me for as long as I live, because she is a disgusting person, and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever. L'Chaim!

E. Ronald Mallu: [Discussing Jodie] You're going away with him for a weekend?
Carol: That's right.
E. Ronald Mallu: But he's a homosexual.
Carol: That's right. And he may come back a homosexual. But if he does, he is sure gonna have something to compare it to.

Jessica: [after Corrine and Tim decide to divorce] Oh, Corrine... Corrine.
Corinne: [crying] I lost him, Mom.
Jessica: No, you didn't. Darling, you loved him for something he never was. Something you's hoped he'd be and he loved you the same way. So you see, you never really lost each other because in order to do that, you've got to find each other first and you never did.
[holds Corrine as she cries]

Jessica: You know, the nice thing about a turtle is that that's something everyone can use but seldom goes out to buy for himself.

[at a meeting of Mafia leaders]
Godfather: I know I speak for all of us when I extent my sympathy for the passing Vito Hirsch...
[gestures to an empty chair at the table]
Godfather: whose heart unfortunately gave out moments after his throat was cut.

Jodie: [Running into the mental hospital] Ma, I got your message! What happened?
Mary: Burt is missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime and he wasn't there.
Chuck: [Bob] He never was, if you know what I mean.

Young: You're gonna marry Jessica?
Young: I'm sorry.
Young: I don't believe this.
Young: Yeah, well neither do I. I'm sorry.
Young: Sorry? Last night, you were in bed with me and today you ask Jessica to marry you?
Young: Yeah, I know. It's been a crazy twenty-four hours.
Young: You've loved her from afar? You've been sleeping with me, but you've loved her from afar?
Young: I haven't loved her from afar, I never even looked at her. Well, not her face.
Young: I don't believe this!
Young: Imagine how I felt. Your mother told me I had to marry Jessica or my father would end up in jail.
Young: For what?
Young: Stock fraud. He cheated your mother out of a small fortune. Boy, was she mad.
Young: What does Jessica have to do with this?
Young: Blackmail. Your mother doesn't think anyone will marry Jessica because she's so scatterbrained. This way, she has a chance to marry her off.
Young: And you're gonna do it?
Young: Oh, gee whiz, Mary. I have to. If I don't, my father's gonna end up in jail.
Young: I don't believe this.
Young: And he's gonna cut me out of his will, which is no small potatoes 'cause he's loaded now that he's robbed your mother.

Chester: I think you should leave now.
Ingrid: Vell, you haven't seen the last of me. Just wait, all of you. You think I'm finish?
Jessica: No, Swedish.

Charles: [Discussing Danny] He's a nice boy. It's too bad. Wait'll he finds out the favor is he has to marry my daughter. He'd be better off dead!

[Billy is depressed about being dumped by his girlfriend]
Chester: Billy, let me tell you a story. During the war, this guy Herbie and I became friends. Well, Herbie fell in love with a wonderful Italian girl, Carla. Thinking of Carla is what got him through the war. Well, Carla died and Herbie nearly fell apart. He stayed in, drank; I've never seen anyone so miserable. And then one day, Herbie came to me and he said "Chet, life must go on." And Herbie went on. A few years later, he fell in love with another woman, married her and they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon and she ran off with a steel band. But Herbie went on. He married again and this time, at the wedding reception, his bride left him for the caterer. But still, Herbie went on. His next wife ran off with his partner who ran off with his business. But still, Herbie went on. Because you see, Billy, he knew that there's a whole world out there. He knew that somewhere, around some corner, he would find happiness.
Billy: Wow, I feel like a jerk. Look at Herbie, a lifetime of disasters. I had a week with a thirteen-year-old shrimp who lisps and I'm gonna throw my life away? Thanks, dad.
Chester: Good boy, I'll see you at breakfast.
[starts to leave]
Billy: Hey dad, where's Herbie now?
Chester: Oh, he's in a mental institution.
Billy: What?
Chester: Yes, he just sits in the corner, talks in numbers and makes lovely baskets.
Billy: But, I thought he always goes on.
Chester: Oh Billy, please, there's just so much "going on" that a man can do.

[at Jodie and Carol's custody hearing, the two attorneys have just met]
Mallou: This is big, ask me why.
Jodie: Why?
Mallou: High noon, kid. Showdown at Bear Creek. Together for the first time. Big! This guy's never been beaten. Gosh, I wish they had some cameras in here.
Jodie: Can you beat him?
Mallou: What? Of course I can. If anyone can, I can. But he's good. He once defended a woman who wanted custody of her child, he made her look like Joan of Arc.
Jodie: But you said the mother usually wins anyway, right?
Mallou: Not if she's on death row at the time.
Jodie: Why was she there?
Mallou: Cannibalism. But don't worry, I'll beat him. We'll make the OK Corral look like a pillow fight!
Jodie: If you're done with your Gary Cooper movie, try to remember that my daughter is the issue here and not your career.
Mallou: If I lose, you lose kid. Don't forget that.

Jessica: [turns to woman beside her in airport boarding area] I'm not really too crazy about taking this flight. I saw the pilot go by before. He walked directly into a pillar, tipped his hat, said excuse me, and got on the plane!
Lady: Senora, no habla Ingles.
Jessica: What does that mean in English? See, I don't speak whatever it is you're speaking.

Announcer: Now that Danny has been both an Arab and a Jew, will he declare war on himself?

Chester: [about Billy] He just drank raw eggs!
Benson: Well you just ate burnt toast!

Mary: [walking in on Jodie in a wig and a dress] Jodie! How many times do I have to tell you to leave my things alone?
Jodie: Mother...
Mary: Look at that! My wig, my necklace, my best dress! Oh, you wear that belted? I never thought of wearing it belted. That looks much better that way!

Flo: Y'know I finally saw that "Star Wars" movie they're all ravin' about. I dunno. In my day if they had a leading man it was Clark Gable. Today they got a little machine that goes "boop." I mean, frankly, I could have stayed home and looked at my upright vacuum cleaner.

Burt: Seven of my men are gonna be off today because it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. You know, what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish - two of 'em are black and ones an Indian.

Elaine: Excuse me, can I have your attention please? I am sure Danny called and told you all to act as strange as possible. But I'm afraid you've oversold it. No family can be this crazy.

[Tim has asked for volunteers to help him perform an exorcism]
Benson: I'll go. My mother always said to me, she said: "Son, look the devil in the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you've got ahold of him first!"
[the house shakes with evil power]
Benson: My mother was a babbling fool is what she was! Major crackpot, everyone knew it! She was nuts!

Chief: Now the following questions need to have some answers: how, when, where, why, and who. That's an H and four W's. Number one: How? Well, according to the coroner's report, the victim was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated, and bludgeoned. That four S's and a B.
Jessica: And still he looked so peaceful.

Danny: [disguised as a nurse] It's time for your IV. Now, what would you like? We've got dextrose, glucose, plasma, saline, 7-Up, Dr. Pepper and ginger ale!

Carol: So how's your wife?
Dennis: It didn't work out. She left me.
Carol: Oh, what happened? Quarterback couldn't complete the pass?

Jodie: Mom, last night he told me that sometimes he thinks he's invisible.
Mary: He was joking with you. Invisible!
Jodie: He was serious, Mom! He told me that sometimes he can walk through a room and nobody sees him. He says it helps him greatly with his detective work!

Claire: Do you know how long I've been your secretary, Chester? Since I was 18. And since I was 19, you've been telling me you'll leave your wife. Well, now I'm 30, Chester! Three weeks ago I was 30 years old. It's all right--I sent myself flowers and signed your name.

Elaine: You - you better move it. The rabbi said he's gotta leave in ten minutes. He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris, and tickets to Pippin.

Mr. Franklin: Mr. Tate, let me put this as candidly as possible. Now, your wife, as we know, has the motive. The murder weapons were found in her room, with her fingerprints all over them, and she had no alibi for that night. Plus which, the judge, as you can see from the astronomical bail that he has set, hates rich people.
Chester: So, what you're saying is it'll be a difficult case?
Mr. Franklin: Mr. Tate... Clarence Darrow in his prime, arguing this case against a mute prosecutor with a jury of Mrs. Tate's relatives, with you sitting as the judge, could not possibly hope to win!

[Danny and Elaine have been fighting since their marriage]
Elaine: I don't hate you, Danny.
Danny: Well, you give the best damn impression of it I've ever seen.
Elaine: I know.
Danny: Why do you do that, Elaine? Why do you treat people that way?
Elaine: It's a long story.
Danny: I got time.
Elaine: I had a sister, once. She was a couple of years older than me. Her name was Diana. She was bright and beautiful and good and kind. She was one of these people that made everyone around her feel good. When she was sixteen, she was killed in a car accident. The night she died, my father, in his grief said to me: "Why wasn't it you?" So, may mother was dead and my sister was dead and my father, who I loved more than anyone else in the world, wished I was dead... and I got angry. I got angry and cold and mean. And I decided then never to love anyone again.
Danny: Oh, Elaine... I didn't know.
Elaine: I love you, Danny. And maybe someday, if it's not already too late, you'll love me.

Chief: Mrs. Campbell. Now, there's no reason in the world to suspect you. Therefore, I suspect you. Suspect number 12. Alright, moving right along to Mr. Campbell, the bereaved father, the least likely suspect of all.
Burt: Right.
Chief: Therefore a suspect.

Marilyn: I want you to stop seeing him
Eunice: No, I won't. We love each other.
Marilyn: Oh, please. Love? Walter doesn't love anyone. Walter is the most totally self-absorbed person in the world. We have a seven-year-old daughter Abigail; Walter calls her Amanda. Seven years and he still doesn't know her name.

Burt: One day, my first wife took my kids and left me. No talk, nothing. I came home from work and there was a note stuck in the meatloaf. It said: "I'm leaving, I can do better!"

Corinne: Oh, Tim, I love you. I love you and I want you.
Father: You got me, Corinne.
Corinne: [lustily] You know what I mean.
Father: Corinne, after we're married.
Corinne: You're asking me to marry you?
Father: No, I've gone to my superiors and asked to be released from my vows because I want to go steady.

E. Ronald Mallou,: [referring to Danny, Jodie, Chuck-Bob, and Bert] I have for character witnesses Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy, and the Invisible Man.

Barney: Uh, listen, sonny girl... uh, you mentioned about shooting. See, I'm a heart patient, and my doctor told me I should specifically avoid gunfire. Fatty foods, and gunfire.

Burt: So, Eddie. What do you do?
Eddie: I'm a writer.
Danny: I didn't know that.
Eddie: [coolly] Well, we've never really had a chance to chitchat.
Danny: What do you write?
Eddie: Essays, magazine articles. "The Plight of the Black Race", "400 Years of Oppression", "The White Man's Disgrace"...
Bob: Oh, so you're a gag writer, is that it?
[Danny and Eddie chase Chuck and Bob out of the room]

Mary: Corinne didn't do it. You know Corinne. How could you possibly think she did that?
Burt: Mary, you never know what evil lurks in the hearts of men - or women. You don't think Lizzie Borden's mother wasn't surprised when she saw that axe comin'?

Announcer: Did Jessica kill Peter Campbell, or does she merely collect murder weapons?

Jessica: I don't know, I mean, I don't know what this world is coming to when someone in someone's own family is murdered by someone else in someone's own family.
Chester: Jessica, please, enough of this. Nobody killed anybody.
Benson: Oh, yeah? Well, somebody better tell Peter. They buried him the other day.
Chester: Peter was stabbed, shot, strangled, suffocated, and bludgeoned. Do you seriously think that one of us could have done that? For God's sakes, nobody in this family could sit through "The Exorcist."
Jessica: That's right! I just wonder if any of the Campbells could sit through it.

Young: Out of the blue, Chester Tate asked me to marry him. What do you think about that?
[stunned silence from Mary]
Young: I know, Mary, I reacted the same way! Do you believe it? Chester Tate! He's so suave. I said to him: "My goodness, we haven't even dated, why do you want to marry me?" Mary, he said he always loved me from afar!

Eunice: Corinne never comes home, Mother. I mean, does anyone even know if Corinne is still living in this house?
Jessica: Oh, don't be silly, dear! Of course she's living here. Her mail comes here!

[Mary has just woken up after giving birth to what she is afraid might be a half-alien baby]
Mary: Did I?
Jodie: You did.
Chuck: Congratulations
Mary: What color is it?
Bob: Well, is there something you'd like to tell us?
Jodie: We're not sure yet.
Bob: That's not usually the first question.
Chuck: Bob...
Bob: That's not usually the *twelfth* question!

Corinne: [sobbing and praying] Please, God, I need him more than you do.

[Chester is meeting Mary at a restaurant]
Chester: I got here as quickly as I could. Is something wrong? How's Danny?
Mary: He needs a kidney.
Chester: Kidney? You're kidding.
Mary: Chester, would I kid about a kidney? They won't take one of mine.
Chester: Why?
Mary: They're not good enough.
Chester: Ohh... how about Jodie?
Mary: No.
Chester: You could run an ad.
Mary: He needs the kidney of a blood relative.
Chester: Well, if you're out and Jodie's out, what are you going to do?
Mary: He needs your kidney, Chester.
Chester: [chuckles] Well, Mary, I'd be delighted to. I'd give him one is a shot, but I'm hardly a blood relative.
Mary: Yes, you are.
Chester: No, Mary. I'm his uncle.
Mary: No, you're not. You're his father.
[Chester is shocked]
Mary: Yeah, Chester. Before you married Jessica, remember?
Chester: Are you kidding?
Mary: No.
Chester: Mary... that was one time.
Mary: No, Chester, it was two weeks. Every night.
Chester: Two weeks, every night?
[smiles]
Chester: Boy, those were the days. I wish I could do half that now, even a quarter.

Jodie: Carol and I are sharing the apartment.
Burt: Oh, Oh, whoa whoa!
Danny: [wolf call] Awoooo!
Jodie: It's platonic.
Danny: Platonic? Sounds kinky.

Minister: I've gotta run. A wedding. Complete waste of time, they haven't got a chance. He's forty-nine; she's twenty-one, been married four times. I give it ten days.

Jessica: Corinne, love does not come from sharing the same body, love comes from sharing the same lifetime.

Danny: Hey, everybody! Hey, listen, there's this huge chunk of bathtub laying out on the path. Somebody could kill themselves on it.
Chuck: [Bob] Yeah, somebody already did, ha-ha-ha!

Tim: So... do you want to get a divorce?
Corinne: Do you?
Tim: No.
Corinne: Me either.
Tim: But I think we should.
Corinne: [pause] Me too.

Chester: What did you realize, Jessica?
Jessica: Ten years ago this could never have happened.
Chester: What?
Jessica: Peter was a tennis teacher.
Chester: Yes.
Jessica: Well, ten years ago nobody played tennis. The recent popularity of tennis has ruined our lives.

The: Let's synchronize our watches. It's now... 3-ish.

Chief: [Pointing at Jodie] You too are a suspect.
Jodie: Oh, I can't wait to hear why.
Chief: Because you're a homo.
Benson: That's almost as good as my reason.

Burt: Seven of my guys are going to be off today 'cause it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. What really gets me is that I don't think they're all Jewish... two of them are black and one's an Indian.

Nurse: Are we feeling better today?
Barney: We? What are you all of a sudden, my partner?
Nurse: And how many times did we go to the bathroom?
Barney: You, I don't know. I went twice, and it was a long, exhausting trip for nothing!

Burt: [Burt has been kidnapped by space aliens, and informed that one of them is going to be sent down to live in his house] He's not gonna, uh... umm... uh...
Space: Sleep with your wife? Of course! Why do you think he's jumping up and down? He has not had sex for 2,000 years.

Mary: Jessie, Randolph wasn't cursed, he was nuts. Any man who would go to Ecuador to sell wall-to-wall carpet is not right in the head.

Jessica: When I was a girl, there was this lady, the Crazy Old Lady we called her 'cause she hardly ever spoke to any of us. When I'd walk by her house, she'd bang her cane on the window and say something like "MANYA MANYA MANYA MANYA!" Well, I was scared to death of her. One day, my mother said "Instead of being afraid and calling her Crazy Old Lady, why don't you ring the bell, introduce yourself and make her feel like she's not a crazy old lady." So, I did. Because I took a risk. Do you understand?
Gwen: Thank you, Mrs. Tate.
Jessica: You're welcome, dear.
Gwen: How did she react when you rang her bell?
Jessica: She said "MANYA MANYA MANYA MANYA!" and hit me in the head with the cane. Crazy as a loon.

Burt: We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.
Mary: Kill her with kindness?
Burt: Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.
Mary: If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?
Burt: Sure.

Chester: [Comparing himself to Peter] How can you compete? He grew up on Penthouse. I grew up on National Geographic.

[Chester is being coerced into marrying Jessica]
Young: What would you have me do, Mary?
Young: Be good to my sister.

Chuck: Bob: If God had wanted me to have little wheels on my feet, I would have been a skateboard!
Chuck: Bob, there's a lot of girls at the roller rink.
Chuck: Bob: Oh yeah, there's a lot of girls at the beach too.

Father: [praying] I'd ask for a sign, but quite frankly, knowing the kinds of signs you give - burning bushes, flooding the world - I think I'll pass on the sign.

Danny: Elaine, I think it's time we had a talk.
Elaine: Oh, please don't. I mean, it's not one of your strong points.

[Burt, Danny and Jodie trying get a couch through a door]
Danny: Ah, leave it. It's probably swollen.
Jodie: Danny, this is a couch not a foot.
Danny: Same principle.

[Jessica has met a mysterious stranger on a plane]
Jessica: Who are you?
El: Carlos Marcello David Escobar Rodriguez Valdez. Also known as "El Puerco".
Jessica: El Puerco?
El: The Pig.
Jessica: I see.
El: I am a guerrilla.
Jessica: Well, you are kind of large and hairy, but I'd hardly say gorilla.

Jessica: For the dinner party tonight, I think I'd like for you to make Beef Wellington.
Benson: Forget it.
Jessica: Why?
Benson: I don't like it.
Jessica: But it's very good. It's Mr. Tate's favorite.
Benson: It ain't mine. I don't like it, so I ain't making it. I'm making fish.
Jessica: Mr. Tate hates fish.
Benson: I know!
Jessica: Well then, why are you making it?
Benson: Because I like fish more than I like Mr. Tate!

Billy: Why didn't you wake me?
Leslie: Because if I woke you, we wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all. Sleep.
Billy: Sleep. Who cares about sleep? A person spends a third of his life sleeping. Why don't we go back to bed?
Leslie: Let me get a little nourishment first, okay.
Billy: I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm just so excited. It's like discovering America or a third arm or something.
Billy: This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I mean, the hell with television.
Leslie: Why don't we have some breakfast together.
Billy: Who can eat? I feel like going up to the roof and telling the whole neighborhood about it.
Leslie: I'm sure that most of them already know.

Dutch: Remember, one word, one word from anybody
[points a gun at Chester]
Dutch: ... and he dies.
Benson: Anything in particular we'd have to say?

Burt: This is not your nervous breakdown. This is more your Three Faces of Eve. Actually, it's your Two Faces of Burt. There's this one - the normal one - and the other one that goes away. I wonder how she got three faces.

Mr. Franklin: State your name and address, please.
Mrs. Sheila Fine: Sheila Fine. 5093 Rockridge Road... but call first!
Mr. Franklin: Mrs. Fine, did you know Peter Campbell, the deceased?
Mrs. Sheila Fine: Did I know him?
[to judge]
Mrs. Sheila Fine: Do you know what this jerk did to my life? He comes into my house where I'm sitting with my husband, and he says I have to testify since I was having an affair with Peter Campbell! My husband called his lawyer, grabbed his girlfriend, and flew to Acapulco. I hope a taco chip gets caught in his throat and he chokes to death!

Jessica: I am a curse. I am like one enormous jinx. If Edgar Allan Poe were alive he'd fall in love with me.

Danny: Aunt Jessie?
Jessica: Yes, what?
Danny: Do you think our family's crazy?
The: Hit the dirt everybody!
[grabs a pineapple from a bowl of fruit]
The: It's a grenade!
[throws it through the window and dives to the floor]
Chester: Major, look what you've done.
[explosion!]
Dutch: [looks out the window] The gas main they were working on down the street; it blew up.
Jessica: Thank goodness, I thought it was the pineapple. Danny, what was your question?
Danny: Never mind.

Nurse: Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you two!
Barney: What? C'mon, an old man and a homosexual? Whatever comes next has got to be better.

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]
Burt: Life plays funny tricks.
Bob: [to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.
Danny: Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.
Burt: You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at This bad thins that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.
Danny: Life is unfair to do that!

The: [after Danny has left] Just wait until he finds out who killed his father.