The Best Bailiff Selma Hacker Quotes

Bailiff: Sir, can I use some of the petty cash to buy food for those bathing beauties?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sure, how are they getting along?
Bailiff: Well, as far as I can tell... on looks alone.

[during a Christmas episode, Harry happens to look outside of his chambers, and sees a reindeer in the hallway]
Harry: [running back into chambers] Everyone, come quick, you have to see this!
[everyone runs out into the hallway. Selma is standing where the reindeer was]
Bull: It's Selma!
Harry: Selma, did you see that?
Selma: I saw it, all right.
[she begins to walk away. Everyone runs to where she was standing]
Selma: If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're out of your mind.

Bailiff: I had a husband just like that.
Nostradamus: Oh, yeah?
Bailiff: Yeah. I had to shoot *him* too.

[Harry, in disguise, walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Female.
Public: I agree, no bet.
[They watch Harry turn into the men's room]
Bailiff: You know, it was all so simple in the forties.

Gynecologist: [to Harry] You really should be seen by a specialist. It's been years since I've...
Bailiff: Been with a man?

[the courthouse has been overrun by Jennifer Black's fans. One of them walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Male.
Public: Female.
[At the fork, the fan shrugs and walks into the men's room. Liz hands Selma some cash]

Public: You're only as old as you feel, Right Selma?
Bailiff: That was vicious!
[Gets up and leaves]

Bailiff: [after everyone hears that Bull may be trapped in a snow cave-in] He'll be okay. Or I'll kill him.

Judge Harry T. Stone: By the way, folks. I don't know why it makes any difference to anyone, it sure shouldn't, but for the record I'm 34 years old.
Dan: The pool.
Public: Oh, the pool.
Bailiff: I had...
Dan: [Checking the pool sheet] HTS. Who's HTS.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Call it a hunch.

Billie: [singing and pantomiming to everyone in the courtroom, who are all less than impressed] Ohhh, watch Mr. Woodchuck romp through the snow. Bag many nuts for the kids at home. A fluffy little tail and a-pointy little ears. Now don't you ever wonder what the woodchuck hears.
Bailiff: [Equally as unimpressed as everyone else] Thank God I have no lunch to bring up.

[after Harry's death threat is read aloud in the courtroom]
God: I will see what their end shall be. I will spend my hours upon them. I will set on fire the foundations of their mountains.
Bailiff: You do, and you'll answer to me.

Dr. Glass: The sooner we pull it out, the better.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Pull what out?
Dr. Glass: [shining a light through the x-ray] There it is, right there.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Tumor?
Bailiff: Ulcer?
Baliff: Whistle?
Dr. Glass: [points to Bull] We have a winner.
Public: It's a whistle?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's where it is. I must have swallowed it.
Dr. Glass: That would be my guess, yes.

Public: 'Zippy Bits'! I opened myself up to him... over 'Zippy Bits'!
Bailiff: I did it once for a piece of chocolate and a pair of nylons.

Dan: [about Mary Jo] She makes Squiggy look like Buckminster Fuller.
Bailiff: I had a husband that dumb once. They fool you by walking upright, don't they?