Top 300 Quotes From Dan Fielding

Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: If I had a dime for every woman...
Assistant: You could make a phone call.

Lorna: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
Arlene: Why, you lying...!
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dying words? Is Dad dead?
Dan: As a kipper on a cracker!
[shocked looks]
Dan: I'm sorry to say.
Harry: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
Bull: He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk]
Bull: This is Mr. Hubner.
Harry: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Harry: [to a defendant] Well, I'm gonna find the defendant guilty of assault and battery, and Mr. Gunther, I am gonna give you two days in the slammer. Because you've got to learn, that this is not funny, no matter what you think of the man's musical talent!
[we see the victim who has a harmonica stuffed in his mouth]
Dan: Be grateful it was your mouth.

[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
Mr. Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Bull: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
Mr. Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Christine: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
Christine: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
Mr. Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Christine: Oh, you poor thing!
Dan: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the SHOT GUN he had with him!
Christine: You had a shotgun?
Mr. Fengler: A little one.
Dan: The term is "sawed-off"!

[last lines]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
Christine: I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I did it for the people.
[opens the envelope and looks at the check]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Twenty bucks*? Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?
Rosalind: [reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Dan: [Dan is calling around for a Halloween costume. Listens to a clerk on the phone. To Florence] What's a Smurf?
Florence: Imagine your cat threw up a blue hairball that talked.

Benet: [wanting to know the sex of the baby] What is it?
Officer: [innocently states the obvious] It's a baby. And it's naked.
Dan: It's a boy.
[takes another look]
Dan: He's got a promising future.

Mr. Carney: [after awaking from a 20-year coma] So, what else has happened in the last twenty years?
Christine: Well, let's see. You missed out on Presidents Nixon, Ford and Carter... Watergate...
Dan: Hot pants.
Rosalind: Sushi.
Mac: Yuppies.
Christine: Pet rocks.
Harry: And about ninety Bob Hope specials.
Dan: Poor guy. You slept through the entire sexual revolution.
Mr. Carney: It's over?
Harry: Oh, yeah. The motto for the 80's is, "gentlemen, stop your engines."

[Dan and Harry are competing for the attention of Christine's college roommate, Heather]
Bull: The honorable - and sexy! - Judge Harold T. Stone presiding.
Dan: Objection!
Harry: Overruled!

Rosalind: What you doin', Dan?
Dan: Donating my organs to science.
Nostradamus: How about you, Roz? It's the ultimate gift to your fellow man.
Rosalind: No, thanks. For all we know, the spleen may be the passport to heaven.

Dan: [Talking about his job with the escort service] I will have you know that I am very proud of what I have to offer as a companion. I am witty; I am charming; and I'm...
Nostradamus: Reasonably priced.
Dan: I'm... on sale this month.

[having just won a case]
Dan: [to the plaintiff] Congratulations! I just want you to know that Candidate Dan Fielding is behind you all the way.
Dan: [to the defendant] Ah, gee. Tough break! But I just want you to know that Candidate Dan Fielding is behind you all the way.
Defendant: Thanks.
[Shakes his hand, leaving toxic sludge behind]

Dan: [Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3 AM and I don't have a *date*.
[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]
Roz: Run for your lives girls!
[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]
Harry: Better safe than sorry guys!
[All males flee]

[not knowing she's in labor, Tony proposes to Christine while she's trapped in the elevator]
Christine: YES!
Tony: Christine, that's terrific! So you'll be my wife?
Christine: I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR BABY!
Tony: Of course you are! Someday.
Dan: How's today sound?
[another scream of pain]
Tony: You mean, she's...?
[everyone nods]
Tony: Mine?
[everyone nods]
Tony: But we only, uh... got together once.
Entire: We know.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sir, if anything should happen to you...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I'll see you get my parking space.

Dan: Last call.
Counselor: You are the most dispicable form of life I've ever met. You personify everything vile and ugly about men.
Dan: I understand. You need more time.
Counselor: Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Do you have any idea what the act of love is all about? You've reduced it to it's primitive form, made it in to some animalistic ritual totally devoid of any respect, humanity or commitment.
Dan: So what do you say?
Counselor: Okay.
Dan: [They both leave the court room. Long pause, and then Dan walks back in] Just kidding... Just kidding.

Harry T. Stone: Bull, you look depressed.
Bull: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.
Harry T. Stone: What word is that?
Bull: "Pentimento."
Harry T. Stone: [after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?
Billie: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?
Bull: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.
Dan: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?
Bull: Good example!

Dan: I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.

Liz: [Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant] I'm thirsty. How about you?
Dan: No. Thank you. I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.
Liz: Oh.
[suddenly realizes]
Liz: Uh-oh.
Dan: Uh-huh.
[Dan crosses his legs tightly]

Dan: I will meet you at the plane.
[Nicole looks at him blankly]
Dan: That's the big thing with the wings.
[he holds out his arms like wings]
Nicole: Oh Yeah!
[She smiles finally with understanding]
Nicole: I remember.
[She then leaves]
Dan: [Everyone watches her go] What do you think of d'hat body man?
[Using a Jamaican accent]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Seems to keep her head from floating away.
[Dryly]

Judge Harry T. Stone: It just so happens that three gorgeous stewardesses, at this moment, are in My Apartment.
Dan: Woah, I see a wild game of Yahtzee tonight uh?
[Returning to his newspaper, unimpressed]

Dan: [to Harry] If you weren't born, Walt Disney would have to draw you.

[Dan heads for the elevator, where another man is already waiting. The doors open, and the man steps on, turning around - it's Wilson]
Warren: Going my way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [stepping on] I'm ROTC combat-trained.
Warren: Special Forces, Advanced Infantry - Airborne.

[Dan feels guilty]
Dan: Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry: You can do it with your own words.

Mac: You mean they wouldn't let her into this country?
[Yakov shakes his head]
Dan: It is common procedure to quarantine livestock before entry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry gives Dan a harsh look] Mr. Fielding
[Dan holds up the picture of Sonja behind Yakov's head, Harry sighs]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sustained.

Christine: Dan, there's a woman here who would like to meet you.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Never laid a finger on her, I wasn't even there.
Christine: Dan Fielding, meet Joan Hobson.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What?
[gets up and notices her]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hi... you're not nearly as repulsive-looking as you seem on your campaign posters.
Joan: You know, it's funny you should say that, Dan. Because in person, your hair doesn't look that much like attic insulation.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan Fielding, you're decent. Admit it!
Dan: I will not Admit it!

Dan: [sung to God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman] God rest ye merry divorcees and widows far and wide; Your Christmas luck is going to change cause Danny's by your side. We'll kiss and
[He stops because he hears a noise in the empty courtroom]
Dan: .

Judge Harry T. Stone: By the way, folks. I don't know why it makes any difference to anyone, it sure shouldn't, but for the record I'm 34 years old.
Dan: The pool.
Public: Oh, the pool.
Bailiff: I had...
Dan: [Checking the pool sheet] HTS. Who's HTS.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Call it a hunch.

Christine: Well, Dan, all I can say is, I am not afraid of a little pain.
Dan: Well, whatever you say, Christine...
[Christine gasps and seizes Dan's wrist in a death grip]
Dan: EEEE! EEEE! EEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEE!
Buddy: Ah, the love theme from "Psycho."

Dan: [after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums] Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles!
Harry: I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key!
Dan: Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!

[after Dan has made up with his parents]
Dan: Hey listen, everybody, after work what say we go out and get some real food?
Court: Real food?
Dan: Yeah, I know this 24-hour Creole place over on Lexington. They got chicken feet.
Bob: No!
Dan: Yeah, I go there quite a lot.
[off everyone's looks]
Dan: Yes, I eat chicken feet. And I *like* it.

Morgue: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake]
Public: He's just here for a minor operation.
Morgue: [smiles] I'll check back later.
Dan: Yeah, over my dead body.
Morgue: It's a date!
Dan: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Dr. Flick: Does he always behave like a complete ass?
Mac: [All nodding at once] Oh, Yes!
Dan: [Looking annoyed at them] Thank You.
Mac: You're Welcome.

Christine: Mr. Phelps, why are you doing this?
Cyril: Because, uh, I'm thirty-eight years old...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [pouring a glass of champagne] Well, so am I!
Cyril: And I'm a virgin.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [lifts the glass] Happy landings.

Bull: Anybody know a cure for hiccups?
[hiccups]
Dan: Yes, staple your lips together.
Bull: That didn't work.
[hiccups]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So, you're not a judge, anymore?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's right.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You twerp!

Dan: [In disbelief over hearing that Phil has money, Dan states] Believe me the only asset he has left is his lice farm.

[Ernie throws Dan to the floor and steps on his neck]
Ernie: All right, Fielding! You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs!
Dan: [choked] I got no problem with that.

Dan: [Walking over to Harry, after Harry has discussed his idyllic idea, and putting his arm around him in a pitying manner] You know Harry if you weren't born, Walt Disney would have had to draw you.
[Harry smiles in an agreeing way]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You took for character witnesses, people who don't even know me!
Judge: They were all women you'd slept with.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That doesn't mean we would have actually spoken!

Dan: [Looking sad] Harry, you didn't ask if you could stay with me.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well Dan, I just assumed that you would be busy with some crew-cut amazon princess with a great body and a bad attitude.
Dan: That's Saturday,

Mac: [as they open their gifts] Okay Dan, your turn.
Dan: [gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.
Mac: Read the inscription.
Dan: "Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as... a friend."
[to everyone's confusion, he dunks the watch into his water glass, covers it with his hand, shakes it briskly, then pulls it out and checks the action]
Dan: [gasps again] It's real!

[discussing plea deals before session]
Dan: Mackinaw.
Christine: Now this guy, he's a family man. Do you have to charge him with indecent exposure?
Dan: A guy shows up at a public beach wearing nothing but a hot dog bun and relish, what am I supposed to charge him with?
Christine: Vending without a license?

Dan: Listen buddy I don't know who you are. But why don't you take your stuff...
Devil: Oh, I'm known by many names. Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan. Although it says Stu Bloomberg on my license. But enough about me, let's talk about you. And what you could do with one of these?
[Showing a $100 bill]
Dan: [Looking a Hooker] Get four of those. You wanna give me this?
Devil: Well, not exactly give. There is a formality. I need you to sign this, first.
[Show Dan a contract]
Dan: [Reading the Contract] "I, Dan Fielding, for the sum of $100 do hereby pledge my soul to eternal damnation." Sounds good to me.
Devil: [Handing Dan a pen] Here you go.
Dan: [Signing the contract] There you are. Ha ha.
Devil: [Handing Dan the money] See ya later.
[Running off with the contract]
Dan: Uh-huh.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [runs to the bench] Your Honor, a sudden emergency has occurred, and forces me to ask for a recess.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: [not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, did it ever occur to you that I could be in pain, could be in the throes of some personal tragedy?
[Harry gives him a look]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Dan hangs his head] Sex.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Dan, give your appliances the afternoon off.

Dan: [Trying to impress the new stenographer] Therefore I feel it is my duty, to do everything I can, to make it safer for the woman of New York.
Rosalind: Are you moving to Chicago?

Christine: Oh, uh, by the way, sir, I'll be starting my childbirth class and I've decided to go with a coach after all.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Really?
Christine: Mm-hm. So, Mac and I may be a little late for work tomorrow.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac is your coach? Oh, well, he's certainly... a choice.
Dan: Wait a minute. Didn't he faint during Quan Li's delivery?
Mac: I didn't faint, I had appendicitis.
Nostradamus: That's true, he did.
Mac: Well, thank you, Bull.
Nostradamus: Triggered no doubt by panic and hysterical fear.
Mac: I was not afraid! You're looking at a man who served in Vietnam, who went through Marine basic, who's eaten Quan Li's frog gumbo!

[on Dan's upcoming operation]
Mac: Dan, We know just how much guts this is taking.
Dan: About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.

[Papa Jack brings a basket of squid on fire to the table]
Papa: I hope that everybody's hungry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, boy, my favorite. Fire.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Carrying a box] I think you've met my office.
Judge Harry T. Stone: He Fired You?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Walking in and setting the box down] Oh No, nothing like that. He merely said I can't work here anymore.
Nostradamus: Whoa! Dodged a bullet there Dan!
[Smiling with Two thumbs up]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So you had a couple of bad nights...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It wasn't just a couple of bad nights, Dan! A kid got shot! You tell me, that if I go back there, that's not gonna happen again.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It will happen again... eventually.

Court: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *All* of them?
Court: She's in there, too, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Christine: Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.
Dan: Such as?
Christine: [as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

Bull: This is Rosalind Russell.
Dan: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Rosalind Russell, that's a neat name.
Roz: My mother was a show-business freak.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah.
Roz: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
Christine: Oh, the poor thing.
Roz: That's what my brother says.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Your brother...?
Roz: Slappy.
[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
Bull: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
Roz: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.
Bull: Your brother...?
Roz: Topo Gigio.

Nostradamus: Hey Christine, how come your car was in the parking lot all night?
Dan: [Realization hits and he stares at Christine] You Boffed the Kid! I don't believe this! You mean all I had to do to get you, was to get arrested? You like the bad boy thing uh? Well I'm going to go slap a cop!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ms. Sullivan I will see you in my office.
[He leaves the cafeteria angry]
Dan: OOO... Your going to get it now.
[Then looking her up and down]
Dan: But, then again, you already did, didn't you?
Nostradamus: Gee, I'm sorry I brought it up. I had no idea that overnight parking was such a no-no.

Dan: Just my luck, I get stuck with a guy who doesn't know when to call it a Life!
Rosalind: [Sarcastically] Well Breathing can be a hard habit to kick!
Nostradamus: I quit once for a week
[unsarcastic]
Nostradamus: but I couldn't have done it without gum.

Harry: And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park.
Harry: Pshaw! Well, Mr. Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing?
Dan: Perfect, partner.
Harry: Recess!
[bangs gavel]

Christine: Dan, I can't sleep with you!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I understand. There's no reason you should feel obligated.
Christine: There isn't?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but... grab you from the jaws of death, moments before an agonizing demise?

Ernie: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?
Dan: [distracted] Just a second, lad. I'll be with you in a moment.
[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist]
Dan: Hey, what the hell is this?
Ernie: It's a bomb... Dan.
[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps]
Ernie: It's going off in 30 minutes.
[Dan gasps again]
Ernie: [holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.
[Dan gasps twice]

Mac: [claps Dan on the back] Fielding!
Dan: [jumps] Your wife's lying, I don't even own a saddle!

Dan: I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a Snickers bar, huh?
[He laughs, then turns and sees Bull, arrested in the motion of biting into a Snickers bar]
Dan: He's gonna play show-and-tell with my vital organs, isn't he?
Roz: Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?

Judge Harry T. Stone: Christine, are you alright?
Christine: Am I any good?
Dan: Only one way to find out.

Alice: [In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.
Dan: It'll be my pleasure.
[laughs]
Alice: [Not impressed] All finished?
Dan: Yeah.
Alice: Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?
Nostradamus: Yes, he gave at the office.
[laughs]
Nostradamus: I'm never gonna get through this.
[stands up and walks away]
Dan: No, I haven't.
Alice: Have you ever had a semen analysis?
Dan: You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.
Alice: Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?
Dan: [Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?
Alice: I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.
Dan: You really enjoy your work, don't you?
Alice: Immensely.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ow!
[everyone looks at him]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I'm fine, it's okay, never mind. I must have just pulled my back out when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.

Dan: And starring Dan Fielding as The Scarecrow.

[Dan receives what he thinks is a love letter from an anonymous female admirer]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Want to hear it?
Everyone: No.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Okay!
[reading in an exaggerated French accent]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: "Dear Dan... I want *you*. I dream about *you*. There isn't a day goes by that I don't want you... dead!"
[He stops reading and goggles at the letter. Harry takes it and finishes reading]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: "You die today, Pigface. Signed, The Prince of Death."
Nostradamus: [filming the scene through a video camera] HA-HA-HA-HA! And you guys thought this wouldn't be exciting!

Dan: [Talking in code, as to not to desillusion the young child about Santa] Well, during his lunch break, at the department store, Santa Claus here had the urge to...
[looking at the defendant]
Dan: um, put something in her stocking.
Christine: [Going along with the story] He employed my client
[Looking toward Mandy]
Christine: to be
[then looking down at little Eric and back at Harry]
Christine: Santa's Helper.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right,
[With an Ah-ha look]
Judge Harry T. Stone: So this fellow
[Looking at Lorenzo]
Judge Harry T. Stone: is...
Lorenzo: [With a grin] I'm the elf that handles the money.
Dan: Anyway, after the
[looking down at Eric]
Dan: umm... ?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Gift Exchange?
Dan: Okay
[taking the word]
Dan: Santa Forgot to... leave anything under her tree.
[Harry nods with an Oh of understanding grin]
Dan: So later the dynamic duo confronted Santa at his workshop.
Mrs. Stapleton: My boy heard Santa use the most vile gutteral words imaginable.

Dan: Excuse me, anything for me?
Joy: Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.
Dan: Are you sure?
Joy: Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

Roz: [after recovering from her insulin shock] You're a good friend, Dan, and I love you. Thank you for saving my life.
[she gently kisses his bruised cheek]
Dan: [smiling] I saw your butt.

Dr. Flick: [after Dan has returned to the hospital for the second time] You know you have a Very Stupid Friend here?
Mac: Oh, Yes!
Dan: [Annoyed again] Thank You.

Public: Your Honor, my clients were lured to New York under the guise of a legitimate beauty contest. However, it turned out that Mr. Harris here did not have the prize money he claimed to have. The girls found out during the competition and... they responded.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your honor, according to witnesses Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Dr. Glass: The sooner we pull it out, the better.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Pull what out?
Dr. Glass: [shining a light through the x-ray] There it is, right there.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Tumor?
Bailiff: Ulcer?
Baliff: Whistle?
Dr. Glass: [points to Bull] We have a winner.
Public: It's a whistle?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's where it is. I must have swallowed it.
Dr. Glass: That would be my guess, yes.

Christine: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Why was that?
VHK: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
Dan: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Harry: Come on, Dan. You can't let this get to you. Come on, every red-blooded American male has had to face this problem at one time or another in his life.
Dan: Has it ever happened to you?
Harry: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
[later]
Bull: Take heart, Dan, this happens to every guy sooner or later.
Dan: Has it ever happened to you?
Bull: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
Dan: Excuse me.
[He exits, passing Mac as he comes in]
Dan: H-?
Mac: Hell, no!

Rosalind: Come back in here, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No!
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
Bull: Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes!
Bull: Gooooooood.
[seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside]

[after Bull has an emergency]
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Yes?*
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: A *short*...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Recess.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: YES!
[Starts to reach for Harry]
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Don't Kiss the Robe, Dan.

Mac: Dan, you know, I could call a friend of mine at the committee office to see if you made the list.
Dan: That would be great!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, is there anyplace on this planet where you don't have a friend working?
[a Samoan man in grass skirts runs in]
Man: Here's that file you wanted, Mac.
[He runs out. Everyone turns to Mac]
Mac: Manu Hanrulima.
[smiles]
Mac: "Biff" to his friends.

Dan: Your Honor, this is the second time the defendant has been tried for robbing the Manhattan Butcher Shop.
Harry: So we *meat* again. Looks like someone hasn't *loined* his lesson. Well, apparently he doesn't realize what's at *steak* here.
Harry: [as the courtroom clears unamused] Hey, where you going? This is *prime* stuff.

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Harry: Bull!
Bull: Mind if I smoke?
Christine: Doctor, is he all right?
Doctor: That depends. What did he look like before?
Mac: Just like that.
Doctor: Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Harry: Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
Doctor: Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
Bull: But I'm feeling much better now.
Dan: Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Dan: Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

Mac: [Mac is at his desk in the courtroom, when in comes Dan--Audited Man Walking] Dan! You okay?
Mac: [Dan's head sinks into his folded arms] Dan! Dan, I can't talk to hair.
Mac: [Without raising his head, Dan holds up a slip of paper. Mac takes it] A receipt from the IRS?
[reads]
Mac: "Seventy-four thousand, eight hundred and sixty one dollars, paid in full. Thanks for stopping by!" They took it all? Well, what did they disallow?
Mac: [Dan waves his arm back and forth] Everything? Even contributions to charities?
Mac: [Dan raises his head out of his arms and just Looks at Mac] Yeah, right. What was I thinking? You mean to tell me you're broke? Wiped out? Flat busted? Bereft of funds?
[Mac's features split into a you-know-what-eating grin]
Mac: Oh, Dan, I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do...
Mac: [Dan holds out his hand, making various hands signs for 'money'] Oh, no, Dan, I make it a policy never to loan money to a friend.
Dan: [Mac starts to walk away. Dan stands up and stares at him] I hate you! You are scum! We were never friends!
Mac: [grinning] Nice try, amigo!

Dan: [snaps his fingers] Poof! I mean just like your magic, Harry. She makes my problems disappear, my anxieties subside. I mean God's in his heaven, all is right with the world, there's nowhere to go but up, look for the silver lining, don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for, and I just happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you.

Dr. Townsend: [after Bull fell off the roof while trying to get to Roz] Oh, thank God he caught the flagpole.
Dan: Too bad he didn't catch it with his hands.
Christine: [calling down to him] Bull, are you all right?
Bull: [high voice] Can I get back to you on that?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Boy Roz is really going through a rough time.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Scoffing] I go through rough times! I don't go around spreading food all over people.
[Harry give him an incredulous look]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Unless they ask.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles."
[pause]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Dan: [explaining a diagram to a woman] Now, my little mountain drop, no matter how much you sweat, hold on to the handlebars.

Mr. Robbins: At the proper pressure, my Gals are Indistructable. Might I demonstrate, Your Honor?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Shrugging] Be my guest...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sir,
[watching Mr. Robbins blow up the sex doll]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Do you realize how long this is going to take
Judge Harry T. Stone: No.
[then with a sarcastic tone and big wide smile]
Judge Harry T. Stone: But, I BET You Do.
[Dan smile back just as widely]

Baliff: Here you go, sir. They tried to escape twice.
Mrs. Sheldon: We're feisty.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I can see that. Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Yes, sir. The defendants were arrested for disturbing the peace at a local eatery after they turned over the salad bar and assaulted each other with baby tomatoes, the three bean salad, and lettuce tongs.
Public: The Sheltons' children threw them a sixty-fifth anniversary party and things got out of hand.
Mr. Sheldon: I didn't know she was gonna to be there.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sixty-fifth anniversary?
Mrs. Sheldon: That's lead. If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
Mr. Sheldon: Agony.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks. Why?
Mrs. Sheldon: We were waiting for the children to die.
Mr. Sheldon: Aw, not that we wanted them to die, of course.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Of course.
Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
Judge Harry T. Stone: The boys?
Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired. This would kill him.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I have no reason to doubt that.

Dan: Sometimes Tough Breaks turn out to be Lucky Breaks and what starts out as the Worst Day of your life can turn out to be the Best Day in your life.

Public: Oh Come on Dan, get real. Haven't you ever listened to the trash that comes out of your mouth?
Dan: [Innocent tone] Like What?
Public: [With a come off it face] Like the constant insults you're always hurling at me for being prudish, or Harry, for being oldfashion or Bull for being... Bull. My God their isn't anyone who is safe around here.
Dan: [They both think for a moment and then acknowledge together] Well Roz.

Dan: Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of city hall.
Mr. Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...
Billie: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.
Harry: And?
Dan: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Dan: What if he starts shooting?
Bert: You'll bleed.

Yakov: What are you giving me, red tape? What does a person supposed to do to get some justice around here?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, you might start by explaining why you're acting like such a...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yack-ass?
[laughs]

[in a fit of temper, Dan destroys a portable TV which he learns afterward was Bull's]
Dan: Money or revenge?
Bull: Revenge.
[Dan takes off his watch, then takes off his shoe and smashes it to pieces]
Bull: Thank you.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, Dan. This is Christine Sullivan, Legal Aid. Dan Fielding assistant DA.
Dan: Hi. How are ya? You know, I think all the talk about the death of casual sex is premature, don't you?

[the defendant is a Japanese businessman who cavorted with three prostitutes for seven straight hours]
Dan: My God, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: [thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
Dan: [to stenographer] You got that?
[she nods]

Harry: [to cheerleaders who pled guilty] Three, five, seven, nine. Fifty dollars is your fine.
Dan: [to cheerleaders] If you choose to stay behind, show me yours I'll show you mine.

Rebecca: Dan I want to sleep with you.
Dan: [Covering up his shock with laughter] Couldn't we just get married?

Benet: [exhausted] Dan, I can't do this!
Dan: You can!
Benet: I can't!
Dan: [thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.
Benet: [growls]
Officer: It's coming!
Dan: Lying there in his silk pajamas, with dozens of big-breasted women catering to his every whim...
Benet: [growls louder]
Officer: I can see a piece of shoulder!
Dan: Oh, is that...? Oh, look who's coming through the door, it's Bobby Riggs!
Benet: [screams in rage]
Officer: It's out!
Dan: *Yes*!
[Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief]

Court: [Dan carries a box of sex toys into the cafeteria; the toy short-circuited and is now smoking] I don't get it. How could it short-circuit?
Dan: When that group of cheerleaders walked by, I guess it couldn't handle the pressure. Boy, I remember when "Made in America" meant something.

[Dan has exposed Kista's appendix to view]
Dan: Bright red.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. Now, first you have to clamp down on it.
Dan: Clamp.
[Namilama puts a clam in his hand]
Dan: No, no, *clamp*!
[She gets it right]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, just be careful. You cut in the wrong place, and it's curtains for Kista.
[Ahkpa taps Dan's shoulder with a fishing spear]
Ahkpa: [smiling and shaking his head] No pressure.

Warren: I just want you to know, there's no hard feelings. I know you were just doing your job.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Got it.
Warren: My I say something else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Shoot.
Warren: I find you very attractive.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [this prompts Dan to tear his briefcase in two] What?
Warren: I just feel attracted to you. I just thought you should know.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You mean you're...?
Warren: Aren't you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ted, did Christine happen to tell you I'm running for state assembly?
Ted: Yes, and I plan on giving you every consideration.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Damn it, man, I need *money*!
Ted: I'm sorry, I make it a policy never to involve myself in political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hey, if I'm elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

Dan: [Dan and Bull catch Harry and Margaret Kissing] That's it Harry, Take Control!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Stopping due to the outburst] I will Dan.
[Then Yelling over his shoulder]
Judge Harry T. Stone: GET OUT!
[Then he resumes the kiss, while Dan scrambles to shut the door]

Dan: [Rubbing his eyes and shaking his head] No, I am just saying that I don't have to cry to feel the loss. Because my life is going to be a little different everyday and if you don't think that means anything to me then you're sadly mistaken.

Christine: [Christine's upset that Dan's hanging out at her apartment as Jack's friend] I suspect he's been poking through my dresser drawers.
Dan: That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name.
[to Harry]
Dan: The woman uses a bra tree.
Harry: Is it wood or that new space-age plastic?
Christine: Stop it! I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter!
Dan: Too late.
Court: You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane, but our defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.

Dan: [talking about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.
Harry: Dan, they can't be that bad.
Dan: My God, Harry! They're *Democrats*!
Harry: ...I stand corrected.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Bull, where have you been?
Nostradamus: Albany.
Dan: Albany? You drove my car back and forth to Albany?
Nostradamus: Sort of. I drove it forth to Albany.
Dan: My car, Bull, where is my car?
Nostradamus: You know those new auto-trains?
[Dan nods]
Nostradamus: The kind where they safely secure your vehicle in back and allow you the weiry passenger to ride in Pullmans in front to relax in air-conditioned comfort while the miles drift by effortlessly?
Dan: [Smiling] Sure.
Nostradamus: Your's was hit by one.

[Dan gets a pie in the face, but everyone says they set it up]
Dan: I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money just for one hit and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Testing, Testing
[Talking into a walkie-talkie]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Awe, there's no batteries.
Dan: Hold on a second, Double A?
[He opens his briefcase to reveal a mix of different size batteries. Harry looks at him shocked]
Dan: Well Sue Me for having a personal life!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay, So you haven't found the right person so you keep looking.
Dan: [Exasperated] Harry! I have dated the State.

Public: [wondering if Harry likes the 'specialty' of the restaurant] So, what's the verdict?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [after Harry dashes from the table with stomach pain] Manslaughter.

Dan: Listen Bucko, No one drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Looking through compromizing photos of Dan] Not accourding to action photo number five

Harry: I'll see you in my office, Counselor.
Dan: Yes, sir.
[Harry rises, and Dan follows him out. Billie starts to follow them, but Dan turns]
Dan: I'd rather be raked over the coals alone, if you don't mind.

Dan: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry: Your father left?
Vincent: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan: Harry, don't you understand that it is a matter of dignity?
Harry: Oh, I know that. You are in need of some.

Dr. Flick: I'm going to talk to the Duty Nurse about your enama.
Dan: I am Not going to Pay for any enama.
Dr. Flick: [Winking at Dan] My treat.

Dan: Sascha? That thing you told me about... did you ever try it with any of your other husbands?
Sascha: A few times.
Dan: And did any of them... survive?
Sascha: Only John Wayne. But he never walked the same.
[Dan walks away quickly, then stops, and turns around]
Dan: Saddle up.

[Christine is stuck in the elevator, in labor]
Harry: Is there room for a person to lie down in there?
Dan: Full-grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera.

Dan: So, what's the news from the garden spot of the great swamp?
Donna: I ran into an old friend of yours--Kitty Landrow.
Dan: Pretty Kitty. Oh, does that name bring back memories. I took her to the prom, you know that? What is she doing nowadays?
Donna: Looking after her nine grandchildren.

[reading the death threat to Harry]
Public: Well, a person would have to be seriously deranged to do this stuff!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sarcastic] Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

[to the courtroom full of people demanding the lottery ticket]
Harry T. Stone: Last night, I witnessed perhaps the most considerate, selfless, kind act I have ever seen.
Dan: [bows his head] Thank you, Your Honor.
Harry T. Stone: [ignoring Dan] And here before me, sits the result of that kindness: the most selfish, indulgent...
[He tosses an apple to a "blind" man, who catches it reflexively, then retreats, embarrassed]
Harry T. Stone: ...*transparent* display, I have ever witnessed!

[after Harry says, "I love you" to him, then turns to leave]
Dan: Harry, I l... I l...
Mr. Feldman: [pulls the curtain aside] You love him too! Spit it out!
[Dan just looks at him]
Mr. Feldman: Oh please, allow me.
[closes the curtain on himself]
Dan: There, I said it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [smiles] Yeah, you did. Now try and say it to yourself.

[a mother is taken to court for assaulting a children's novelist because her son broke his arm imitating a character the novelist created]
Dr. Wiggle: Oh please, I never meant the boy any harm. / It was purely his folly that broke his arm. / The Snurt is a snoozle and not real at all. / You can't blame a snoozle for causing his fall.
Christine: But sir, the boy only climbed in the tree / because of a drawing on page thirty-three.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your honour, she hit the poor man with her shoe.
Dr. Wiggle: You can see the spots clearly. Bump one and bump two.
Christine: I object.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You object?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Overruled!
Mac: This is stupid.
Nostradamus: On Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet and Cupid!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well I'm fining you fifty and that should be it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Now get outta here you dumb little shi...
Judge Harry T. Stone: DAN!

Mac: Good news, sir. I've got the last five cases coming right up. People Vs. Bloom, People Vs. Hauser, People Vs. Stahl and Fisher, and People Vs. Heckler.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Charges?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Uh, uh, littering, spitting on the subway, a fistfight, and staging an illegal sit-in
Judge Harry T. Stone: Alright, we have some litter, a spitter, two hitters, and a sitter?
Lisette: Good thing there wasn't a pooper-scooper violation.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. WHAT ABOUT US GUYS WHO ARE? You jump off this thing, plunge down there, splatter all over the side walk... she
[pointing to Christine]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: is going to be very upset... and I'm going to end up playing with the TV remote all night.
Mr. Freedman: I didn't mean to ruin your evening, it's just, it's just that...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Mocking the jumper] It's just tha... It's just tha... It's just... Guess what? You can't make up your mind about anything, can you? Well listen, if you're going to stay, stay, if you're going to jump, JUMP.
Mr. Freedman: Bye.
[Starts to fall backwards. Dan reaches out, grabs him and pulls him inside]
Mr. Freedman: Let go of me.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey! Hey! This man just saved your life... and now, you got to sleep with him.
Mr. Freedman: What?
Cop: All right, spineless, let's go...
Mr. Freedman: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... I'm in the book.

Christine: Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Judge: Who's Fielding?
Dan: I am, Your Honor.
Judge: Get your butt up here and state your grievance.
[Dan takes the stand]
Judge: Briefly, very briefly.
Dan: [stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!
[pause]
Judge: You may elaborate.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Speaking of Bull's replacement for two weeks] Her name is Ursula something.
Dan: Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?
Judge Harry T. Stone: That's what they tell me.
Dan: Yee. I picture high Scandinavian cheek bones... Stern, yet yielding blue eyes, a mane of blond hair. Kinda girl you wanna get naked with and roll around in front of a fire place.
Ursula: [Old, short woman walks into Harry's office] Judge Stone, I'm Ursula.
Dan: [Notices Ursula, jumps. and screams] Aaaah!
Ursula: What's with him?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Reality cramps.
Ursula: Tell me about it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So, uh, you're Ursula...
Ursula: Schmiendorf.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Schmiendorf. That's German, isn't it?
Dan: Yeah, it means bad sausage.

Dan: I'm gonna quit this lousy job. I'm gonna sail around the world. I am going to eat caviar off the thighs of Scandinavian virgins.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [as "God" is led out of the courtroom] Your Honor, pending the psychiatric evaluation, the State will move that the defendant be...
[a rock crashes through the window, making several women scream]
God: [running back in] The day of destruction is here! Rise up! Rise up, and flee!
Judge Harry T. Stone: All right, sit down! Sit down, don't flee.

Dan: I know every nook and cranny a body could fit into in this place.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
Baliff: I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oxymoron.
Baliff: If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, jumbo shrimp.
Christine: Bitter sweet.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Free love.
Baliff: I understand.
Mac: Yeah, that's a good one too.

Maria: My name is Maria, I work up in filing. It's very boring, I hope you're not... boring.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: How does a little red wine, and gravity boots for two sound?
Maria: It's a start.
[grabs his hand and writes on it with her pen]
Maria: Pick me up here after work. Wear something tear-away.
[leaves]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: My name's Dan.
Maria: Who cares?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [shrugs] Right!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Who the hell are you?
Hotel: I'm the hotel manager, sir, with the champaigne you requested.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, great, you found it.
Hotel: Yes, indeed, though it was a difficult task. After all... Chateau Libido... is not one of our usual brands. Shall I unscrew it for you?

Dan: Well, there are lots of things about my life that I haven't told you.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Very dry] Yes and believe me we're grateful.

Court: [a drunk Christine, from a Long Island Iced Tea, is sunk into the sofa in Harry's office. Mac to Dan] What do you think we should do?
Dan: [getting a sleazy idea] Well...
[decides against it]
Dan: Nah. On second thought, you know it's been my experience when they're this drunk... there's no challenge in it.

Woman: [to Dan, behind the line] Hey, man! you know the judge?
Dan: Hey woman! Yes I do.

[a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to...
Old: A bunch of old broads?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay.
Old: Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy.
Old: [mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice] "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara."
Dan: [looking shocked] YOU'RE BENT BARBARA?
Old: You sound kind of familiar...
Old: It's VICK VASELINO.
Dan: [Scottish accent] Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken.
Old: You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So...
Old: [pointing to Christine] You must be Christine.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Kitty's been aggressively teasing him] No. And nothing will change my mind.
Kitty: Not even these pictures I took in the photo booth in the lobby?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [looks at them, then gasps in shock] My God! How did you get the stool that high?

Harry: [as Sascha Minkoff exits the elevator] Ms. Minkoff, here's your ring back.
Sascha: Oh, who cares about that stupid rock.
[walks off smiling]
Harry: [sees Dan stumbling around on the elevator] Dan?
Dan: [dazed] Harry?
Harry: Are you all right?
Dan: I'm fine.
Dan: [in a John Wayne persona] Pilgrim. Never better.

Harry: [On Dan being late for work] He'd better have one *whopper* of an excuse!
Dan: [approaches the table in military uniform and salutes Harry] Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty, *sir!*
Harry: What can I say, the guy's good.

Nostradamus: Sorry, Your Honor. I ran downstairs to catch him, but I must have just missed him.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You ran down eighteen flights of stairs?
Nostradamus: Yeah. I figured that whoever threw the rock through the window would have to come down the fire escape and onto the street.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right.
Nostradamus: Then I figured the sight of someone like me barreling out of the courthouse would cause him to panic and flee, and then I'd nab him.
Court: So what happened?
Nostradamus: *Everyone* panicked and fled!

Dan: My name is Dan. Dan Fielding.
Kumok: Hello, Dan-Dan Fielding!

Dan: Objection.
Harry: Overruled.
Dan: Exception.
Harry: Noted.
Dan: Frustration.
Harry: Vented.

[Dan is pacing the stuck elevator, rubbing his hands together]
Warren: Oh, here. Take my coat.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'm fine.
Warren: Yeah, right. Look, let's just take turns wearing it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well, if it'll keep you quiet...
[He grabs the coat and drapes it around his shoulders]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It's nice material.
Warren: Thanks. It's kind of old, it was a gift.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your mother?
Warren: A former... companion.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh...
Warren: It's all right, it won't bite.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You said "former" companion. What'd he do, ditch you?
Warren: In a way. He died.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: ...I'm sorry.
Warren: It's okay, forget it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What happened to him?
Warren: [shrugs] Same thing happens to a lot of guys. Worked too hard, smoked too much, didn't exercise.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You get along?
Warren: [smiles sadly] Ten years.

Nostradamus: [Mac, Dan and Christine start to leave the courtroom after Judge Hemp dies] Wait a minute!
[Bull walks over to the others]
Nostradamus: Paragraph 6 section 27 of the New York City municipal code clearly states that no session of criminal or civil court may be recessed or dismissed unless so ordered by the magistrate presiding over said session.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Bull... The man... is... dead.
Nostradamus: [Looks at the judge then turns to the courtroom and waves] Drive safely everybody.

Christine: [Holding flyers that depict Dad naked] Dan these are going like hot-cakes.
Dan: Well, it's not everyday you get to see Dan Fielding nude.
[Looking her up and down with a smile]
Dan: Unless you ask.

Dan: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.
Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?
Dan: [shouting] She said she likes your bat!

[after Cleaver challenges Stone to a final duel of pranks]
Mac: Sir, I don't like this.
Christine: I don't either, sir.
Harry: Oh, come on now, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
Dan: AAH!
[Dan runs down the hallway, chased by a giant, Indiana-Jones size eight ball. He runs out of view - CRASH!]
Roz: [winces, but] It's okay, the motorcycle gang broke his fall.
Dan: AAH!
[Dan flees back up the hallway, pursued by the motorcycle gang]

'Hank': Nostradamus thinks the world of you kids.
Christine: Oh, who's Nostradamus?
Nostradamus: That's my real name.
'Hank': Yeah, I always loved that hunchback.
Dan: Wait a minute. Wasn't that...
Nostradamus: Don't.

Judge: On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming quote, "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote, squirt you in the face with a water pistol in open court?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That date again?
Judge: Just answer the question.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well yes he did, but it was an accident. He was aiming for my briefcase.
[Judge Landis laughs]
Judge Martin A. Landis: [Dan laughs. Then the judge orders-] Shut up.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Right.

Sydney: Are you Bull Shannon?
Baliff: Yep.
Sydney: I am Sydney Shoup, professor of literature at Manhattan City College. I am in charge of the children's book contest.
Baliff: Did you get my entry?
Sydney: Oh, yes. It was the most vile, offensive, nauseatingly horrid collection of thoughts that I have ever seen put to paper.
Baliff: Did I win?
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Excuse me guys, what's going on?
Baliff: Sir, Mr. Shoup critiqued my children's book.
Sydney: It was ghastly, nightmarish, apocalyptic.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Did he win?
Christine: Bull Shannon is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know, I cannot believe that he would write...
[takes a look at the cover]
Christine: ... "Puff, the Flesh Eating Dragon"?
Sydney: Needless to say, our kiddie panel of judges have been racked with nightmares. Little Stevie even strangled his imaginary friend.
[to Bull]
Sydney: You are a disgrace, you're a menance, you're *a monster.*
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Did he win?

Mac: So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...
Dan: [in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah, the legend lives.

Dan: [Walking sadly into Harry's office] Hey H, do you want to go to dinner with me? My stewardess can't get back from Chicago, she's got a layover. Which means that I won't.

Dan: Oh, counselor, counselor. I wanted to make sure you didn't misunderstand my intentions last night.
Counselor: You wanted cheap, casual sex.
Dan: Good, you didn't misunderstand.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How the hell do you lose a dead body?
Bull: He outsmarted me, sir.
Dan: I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Alice: Mr. Fielding?
Dan: Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.
Alice: That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Alice: Turns out, we made a mistake.
Dan: Huh!
Alice: It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.
Dan: So what you're saying is...
Alice: Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.
Dan: Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?

Papa: Everybody calls me 'Papa Jack.'
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Why?
Papa: Why?
[laughs like it's a ridiculous question, but abruptly stops to wonder]
Papa: I don't know why.

Tony: [reading Dan's death threat] "Dear Dan... die, Pigface." Yep, sounds like our boy all right. Ex-con by the name of Norman Snite.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Norman Snite? No wonder he calls himself the Prince of Death.
Tony: Yeah, he came through your courtroom about three months ago.
[Harry, Christine, and Dan shrug blankly]
Tony: Attempted murder?
[Another blank shrug]
Tony: Enormous buck-teeth?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding,78548: Oh, *that* Norman Snite!
Tony: Yeah, well, it seems he's very sensitive about those teeth.
[to Dan]
Tony: Is it possible you might have made some comment that could be construed as inconsiderate or insensitive?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [fakes a laugh] Well, I don't know, *maybe* I said something he misinterpreted...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Such as, "Snite, you're lucky you haven't been shot for the ivory"?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And Mr. Thin Skin takes it the wrong way!
Christine: Well, what did you expect? All his life, people have been focusing only on his physical appearance, afraid to see the true person that hides inside.
Tony: Let me guess: you sleep with stuffed animals, right?
Christine: [shifts] I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Dan: I've got a bad suit. I could pass for a Democrat.

Roz: [on the courthouse rooftop] What's that behind your back, Dan?
[he's hiding an insulin syringe that he needs to inject into Roz's butt]
Dan: [looks behind himself] New Jersey.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, gang, how goes the world?
Rosalind: [Reading a tabloid aloud] "Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig in bizarre love triangle."
Dan: Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

Mac: Eugene Sleighbough, attempted burglary.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Uh, Your Honor, the people acknowledge the fact that there may be a special circumstance where Mr. Sleighbough is concerned.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Special in what way?
Eugene: I'm invisible.

Christine: Oh, God... I'm going to be sick!
Rosalind: [pops open Dan's briefcase] Here, use this!
Dan: No, don't, that's my brief-
[turns away as Christine hurls into it]
Dan: CASE!
[Christine rushes away, mortified, while Roz closes the briefcase]
Dan: That briefcase cost me over two hundred dollars!
Rosalind: I can believe it. It's not leaking at all.

[to District Attorney Daniels, a midget]
Dan: Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Christine: [Dan disguised as a nun walks past Christine] Sister?
[Dan crouches to the floor]
Christine: Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Speaks in a high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
[They sit on a bench seat]
Christine: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Christine: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
Christine: I don't know where to start.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Were you naked?
Christine: No! No. We just kissed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
Christine: [Perplexed at the question, looks toward Dan] What?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine continues looking] Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
Christine: [Pulls back one side of the black veil] Dan! Dan Fielding, you big pervert!
[starts whaling on Dan and walks away]

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, listen, V, excuse me for a minute.
VHK: Why?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Dan: WHAT?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, Roz, don't you feel the urge to go, too?
Court: Uh, yeah, I... I guess we do. Right Roz?
Rosalind: We were hoping you would ask.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on.
Christine: Um, do I have to go, too, sir?
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, you don't.
Christine: ou always know before I do.

Dan: [while discussing Art vs. The Roaches] It's only natural to root for the higher life form.

Dan: [Shaking a set of car keys] A little cruise around town after work?
Christine: You would have to knock me unconsious and chain me to the front fender.
Dan: You would do that for me?

Kimberley: I swear. I just had one of the most increditable experiences of my LIFE!
Dan: A little nooner at the "Hung Jury Hotel".
Christine: Oh, Dan!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I believe the lady was referring to our buggy ride through Central Park.
Christine: [to Dan] Some people have class.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: IT WAS A BABY BUGGY!
Kimberley: We both squeezed in. Harry brought the champaigne, and then...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone,11900: [Tickeling each other under the chin] Goochie goochie goochie goochie.
Dan: [to Christine] Everybody's kinky... except you.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You will not believe what just happened to me!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [not looking up] Some loose woman that you've never met before has agreed to go back to your place, and participate in some deviant sexual behavior.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What gave me away, the drool?

Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, can I say something to you in confidence?
Dan: Of Course Sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You're a Jerk.
Dan: Your secret is safe with me.

Dan: Yes, I think it's sunk through the first four or five layers...
[Bull slaps forehead]
Dan: We have comprehension.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendant entered Blumbert's deli, went up to the counter and said, "give me an egg salad sandwich, for though I have no cash, you and all your descendants will be blessed."
God: It's better when I do it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Blumbert was unimpressed, and told him to leave. And then he told Blumbert to "be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Stating sarcastically after Roz's bully story] You know, why you're not writing for Sesame Street, I'll never know.

[Dan's assignation with Christine is interrupted by a jumper on the balcony]
Christine: What are you doing out there?
Cyril: Isn't it obvious? I'm plunging to my death!
Christine: You can't do that!
Cyril: Why?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yeah, why?

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey Buddy how was the honeymoon?
Buddy: Harry it was Fantasitic. In-fact I didn't leave the hotel room for the first twenty-four hours.
Dan: [Pumping his fist] Yeeesss!
Buddy: And then Amanda finally tracked down a locksmith and they let me out of there.
[Harry an Ah-ha look]

Judge: Anything else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Rosalind: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that, you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

Baliff: I missed Roz. I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.
Christine: I do. It's embarrassing. I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I always turn mine around.

Dan: [on his talk show] How much bigger can those puppies get?
Public: It's none of your business how much bigger my puppies get!

Nostradamus: There appears to be a lull in the conversation.
[Reading from his etiquette book he learns to express interest in his friends current life status]
Nostradamus: So Roz, getting any lately?
[Roz stares daggers at him]
Dan: Well,
[looking at her]
Dan: are you?
[Roz turns and stares at him, along with everyone else]

Dan: Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!
Roz: What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?
Dan: No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.
Christine: By total volume, or percentage?
Dan: Raw tonnage.
Christine: What?
Dan: Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.
Mac: Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Dan: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was a intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent: It was his own.

Harry: [Reading instructions] Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back. Step 2, remove any foreign object from the victim's mouth.
Court: Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing.
[All eyes go to Dan]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine looks beneath her coat, and shrieks. Dan pulls out her garments] Better to be safe than sorry.

Mac: Bull has got himself a girlfriend.
Dan: Really? Animal, mineral or vegetable?

[after becoming trustee of The Phil Foundation, Dan is bombarded with letters and telegrams asking for donations]
Dan: You wouldn't believe how many needy people there are in the world. Did you realize that all those people huddled in blankets on the streets are actually homeless?
Rosalind: [a little shocked] Well, of course we did, Dan! What did you think they were?
Dan: I thought they were Indians!

[Dan is lying in bed with his political opponent, Joan Hobson]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

[the next defendant enters, wearing a trench coat]
Guy T. Reynolds: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sure.
Public: [as he starts to] NO!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Miss Williams!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the charge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [reads] Indecent exposure.
[He looks over the top of the bench, to see Mr. Reynolds's bare legs peeking out from below the trench coat]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
Guy T. Reynolds: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert! I'm a nudist.
[Applause from the gallery]

Dan: SPOILER: They were hoisting a baby grand up to the second floor just as Phil was walking under. The rope snapped and boom! The key was Sharp, Phil was Flat.

Public: You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.
Dan: It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.
Mac: Get out!
Dan: No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...
Bull: Like going to the bathroom.
[stares from everyone]
Bull: What?

Dan: [Looking at an apartment flyer] Look at those high ceilings.
Mac: Oh yeah, no more hitting your head when you use the trampoline.
[And while Dan nods in agreement, Mac shakes his head in disgust]

[after turning down Dan's request for a campaign contribution]
Ted: I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You bet I will! Let me tell you something, I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who would want to buy me!

Eddie the Machete: So you're the one who sent him after me. Fielding... Fielding... Fielding!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What are you doing?
Eddie the Machete: I'm burning your name into my brain.
Rosalind: Want me to write it down for you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You mean shut down?
[Dan: ]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Nah!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It's good to be the king.

Harry: I don't know how much time we have, Bull. See if you can find a doctor anywhere in the building!
Baliff: Right!
[runs off]
Harry: And Roz, you go find someone who can fix this elevator!
Bailiff: Uh-uh. Christine needs me. I'm her Lamaze coach, remember?
[Christine yells again from inside the elevator]
Dan: I'll go, I'll go! But promise me you'll tell me if she uses any four-letter words!

Dan: This is Horace Jenkins, Your Honor. Assault with intent to commit bodily harm.
Hondo: What other kind is there?
Dan: Mr. Jenkins got into an argument with a patron at the Monte Carlo lounge, and attacked him with a blunt instrument, specifically, the manager.

Lana: Oh My God I almost forgot, the special election is tonight. You're up for a city counsil seat.
[She looks at Dan's melancholy expression]
Lana: You're loosing. That's why you're depressed.
Dan: Yes I am loosing. But that's Not the depressing part.
Nostradamus: [Turning around from the table behind Dan] Hey didn't your opponent die two weeks ago?
Dan: [Closing his eyes with a nod] THAT's the depressing part.
Lana: So um, how bad are you...?
Dan: The Body is ahead by twenty percent!

Court: [Bull's in a suggestible state. Mac urges Dan to finish Bull's hypnosis] Dan you better move it before Judge Wilbur comes back and snaps your head off.
Dan: [laughs mockingly] Judge Wilbur. I wish someone would twist that old bag's head off.
[Bull makes a strangulation gesture]
Dan: Or better yet stuff her down the mail chute.
[Bull nods and goes in search of Judge Wilbur]

Mr. Olmeyer: [Looking at the $100,000 check] This is Fantastic! Where can I find Mr. Sanders?
Dan: [Displaying shock and sadness] He has a spot out in front of Carnegie Hall.

Harry: Dan, Al doesn't talk to people.
Dan: Oh.
[to Al]
Dan: Nice blinking with you.

Dan: [trapped in a motel room with a psychotic woman who acts out movie roles] What do you say we pop on the TV and watch a couple of movies, eh?
[he turns on the TV]
TV: : We'll return to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"...
Dan: [changes the channel] Seen that already.
TV: : Tonight on Movie Showcase: "Dressed to Kill"...
Dan: [changes the channel] Where are the Muppets when you need them, huh?

District: [on Kitty] Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?
District: Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!
[He exits]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Dan: Let's face it, Harry. I'm all washed up.
Harry: Come on, Dan, so you...
Dan: Say it.
Harry: You...
Dan: Come on, man, say it!
Harry: You had a little trouble launching the ol' Love Boat.
Dan: We are talking stuck in drydock, Harry!

Nicole: Hey Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?
Dan: What's the big deal, you stick tab A into slot B, who can't do that?
Mandy: You'd be surprise.

[the staff enters Harry's office near the end of recess]
Bull: Hey.
Harry: You guys ready to do it?
Roz: Some more than others.
Dan: You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is suddenly everybody's business!
Roz: Hey, don't get testy with me just 'cause your Dow Jones average hit a slump.

Princess: I am Tatiana, crowned princess of Kapua.
Dan: I'm Dan. King of Hanky Panky.

Dan: [about Mary Jo] She makes Squiggy look like Buckminster Fuller.
Bailiff: I had a husband that dumb once. They fool you by walking upright, don't they?

Judge Harry T. Stone: How do they expect a guy to find a date on that short of a notice?
[Scoffs]
Judge Harry T. Stone: What were they thinking?
Dan: [Dan grabs the two tickets and holds them up] Tickets!
Woman: Where?
Dan: Cruise.
Woman: When?
Dan: Saturday.
Woman: Time?
Dan: Eight.
Woman: Pier?
Dan: Sixteen.
Woman: Okay.

Nostradamus: What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, there are several parts to it, Bull. Personality, aptitude, IQ. For example, they might show you an ink blot
[squirts ketchup from bottle to create a blot on a napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: like this.
[lifts napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, what do you see?
Dan: [Buxom woman walks past Dan] A set of hall of fame hooters.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'll give your respects to the downtrodden and oppressed, I'm sure they'll understand.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You're not playing fair, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You were good Harry! Very good! You were impartial. You were fair. Patient. Compassionate. Understanding. And I admired you. That's really hitting below the belt, isn't it?

Christine: If I was in a strange town alone, I would want someone to show me a good time.
Dan: I'll meet you in Poughkeepsie in two hours.

Dan: Wait a minute, you're carrying 250,000 bucks around in a coffee can?
Bob: No, just half of it. June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Looks like June is busting out all over.

[after Dan finishes his turning point story]
Christine: Dan, Dan, Dan...
Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I throw my life away for sex. But, you know, I thought I'd at least get to die having it.
Roz: Don't look at me, or you'll die trying to have it.

Dan: Are we feeling a weensy-bitsy bitchy today?

Dan: [Dan's co-workers bring him face-to with his bumpkin parents who come all the way to New York from their dirt farm to visit him]
[With a look of stunned embarrasment]
Dan: Thank God they left the livestock in the car.

Dan: Hey! I have had every woman in this building! I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign countries! I have had den mothers!

Phil: [Bursts into Dan's room] Dan! I...
Dan: Oh, Phil, spit it out.
Phil: [Kneels bedside Dan's bed] Dan, uh...
[starts sobbing on Dan's arm]
Dan: I didn't mean that literally.
Phil: I'm so happy that you're okay.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, you owe quite a debt to Phil.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You needed a transfusion and none of us matched your type, so...
Dan: Oh, no!
Phil: I'm coursing through your veins even as we speak, Dan.
Dan: Oh, my God!
Phil: It's beautiful, isn't it? I am you. You are me.
Dan: Yeah, now we both got hookworm! I want you and your green, furry teeth outta here!
Phil: [Turns to Harry] He's gonna be just fine.
[leaves the room]
Dan: Ah, I can feel the Sterno pumping through my veins.

Mac: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: 509?
Mac: Uh-huh.
Judge Harry T. Stone: B?
Mac: Yep.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Roz: [a delirious Roz realizes Dan is not her papa] Papa I... Hey you're not my papa!
Dan: That's right.
[shows her the needle]
Dan: And this ain't no ice cream cone.

Roz: Something wrong, Dan?
Dan: [about a woman who excites him, but turns him down] She takes me to the brink of ecstasy then abandons me there. I need satisfaction and I need it now.
Roz: I understand. You want to be alone.

Dan: ,,, and Hit him in the face with a banana cream pie.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Confused] That's a deadly weapon?
Paul: I could have sworn it had thawd.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah!

Dolly: Oh, Danny! This is so exciting! I've never done it in a judge's office! How did you get a key?
Dan: Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I "borrowed" his and made a wax impression of it.
[They are unaware that Harry is trapped on the ledge outside, and can hear every word.]
Dolly: Oh-ho! Would he be mad if he found out?
Dan: Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't know, won't hurt me.

Dan: [enters Harry's office and sees Buddy] Harry I - oh, I'm sorry. You're busy massaging a man in a cheap suit.

[Dan tells Roz's doctor to give him the insulin shot]
Dan: How do I use this?
Dr. Townsend: You have to stick it in her buttocks.
[pause]
Dan: Dan Fielding: Up Close and Personal.

Dennis: [Christine explained to Dan that Harry wants to be left alone for a bit. Dennis Small, a ventriloquist without a dummy, has been refusing to move his lips. He tries to be polite to Christine] You sound upset. Is there anything I can do?
Dan: Yeah. Why don't you throw your voice into the elevator shaft and follow it?

Court: [Dan groans from beneath the bearded lady] It's Dan!
Roz: And he's been neatly pressed! You okay, Dan? Dan? Dan!
[Dan comes to and cries out in shock]
Roz: Dan it's okay. It's all over, now. What happened?
Dan: [to Roz] I was... *Shamued*!
[a minute later, to Bull]
Dan: It was a nightmare, Bull! I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm eating four hundred pounds of cellulite!
Bull: But Dan it's over, now! Why are you so upset?
Dan: *Because*... I liked it!

Dan: Mrs. Quinn here attacked Miss Walsh after catching her and Mr. Quinn in flagrante delicto.
Laurie: What are you talking about? He was in the sack with her. Slut!
Lucy: Shrew!
Laurie: Tart! Vixen!
Lucy: Wench!
Laurie: Jezebel!
Harry: Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies. Now that we have exhausted every word in the 'bitch' family...
Nostradamus: Actually, sir, they left out strumpet, slattern, meretrix, harlot, and demimonde.

Woman: [the elevator is broken. To the crew] You'll have to wait. There's some pregnant woman stuck in the elevator.
Baliff: Oh no, that means Christine had to take the stairs!
Dan: You *almost* know what's going on, don't you?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Eugene: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Eugene: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. It's called sunlight.

Rosalind: [Roz carries a large cardboard box into the courtroom]
Court: What's that?
Rosalind: Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.
Court: [Looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys, how am I supposed to identify these?
Rosalind: [They both look at Dan and then Roz turns back to Mac] He not only could tell you what they are, he can give you their trade in value.
Court: [Mac carries the box over] Say Dan, you know this stuff?
Dan: [With a huge grin after looking in] Like the palm of my hand.

Dan: [to Toni] When you think of this night... and you will... suffer.

Dan: You hate me. You all hate me. Everybody hates me! For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Dan: My father is a dirt farmer.
Harry: Dan, farming is noble...
Dan: No crops, Harry, he farms *dirt*! Sure, maybe a few rocks now and again.
Harry: And I suppose he never tried to do any better?
Dan: Yeah, sure he tried, and he always failed. Year after year after year, but nothing ever grew! That's not persistence, that's stupid.
Harry: Dan, it's true that I don't know everything about your father, but from what I do know, "stupid" is not a word I'd use to describe him! And I think you're a pompous ass for saying so!
Dan: That may be! But it doesn't mean it isn't true.

[in a holding cell]
Chip: What're you in for?
Dan: Uh, contempt of court. You?
Chip: Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.
Dale: [jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... *burned to the ground*!

Christine: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
Dan: Hold it a sec.

Dan: Tonight I'm gonna take all my... naughty magazines and haul them to the dump.
Christine: You must have a ton of those. Be careful you don't pull anything.
Dan: That's why I'm getting rid of them.

Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So all the would-be chicks are now...
Dan: Quiche, yes sir.

Dan: Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
Judge Harry T. Stone: All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
Dan: When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Christine: Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
Dan: SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata gives a short Japanese bow; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That Wilson guy... he's gay.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: And?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And...
[he starts to laugh]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And, he thought I was.
Art: Are you?

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor]
Benet: Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make!
Dan: That's it, just let it all out.
Benet: Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone!
Dan: Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.

Dan: Tommy. get me some surgical gloves.
Officer: From where?
Dan: My briefcase, top pocket.
[Smiles at Benet Collins]
Dan: Great, now I can deduct them.

[Dan is stranded in the Arctic]
Dan: How do you people stay in touch with the outside world?
Kumok: By snow plane.
Dan: Well, that's great. When does it get here?
Kumok: In morning.
Dan: Fantastic. When's morning?
Kumok: Next April, sharp.
Dan: April? You mean, I get to spend the next six months with the "Slush Family Robinson" here?

[Dan breaks down crying the night after his date]
Dan: Women.
Harry: So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast?
Mac: The farmer's daughter?
Bull: One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out?
[Stares from everyone]
Bull: What?

Dan: You don't get it, do you? Listen to me. No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to say "I love you", and do you know why? Because in order to be loved one must be able to - give... and I . can't . give. I can not. I have never been able to give. And I don't... know why.

Sascha: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
Dan: Oh? What happened to him?
Sascha: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
Dan: What were you doing?
[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
Dan: [shocked] My god, that would generate 48 pounds of pressure per square inch!
Sascha: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Christine: Dan, you saved my life.
Harry: Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.
Christine: Dan, how can I possibly repay you?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Initially laughs it off, until...] Sleep with me.

Dan: I mortgaged my condo to buy radio time. I hired admen to write slogans. I slurred my opponent's patriotism. And now I lose on... AN ISSUE?

Dan: [to each of the six Rolling Rangerettes skating past him] I love your eyes. Love you thighs. Love your hips. Love your lips. Love your hair. Nice butt.

Dan: [Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives] If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better.
[pause]
Dan: Oh, if you happen to get around to it...
[yells]
Dan: Would you get me the hell out of here?

Dan: You know, one of my college roommates actually contracted rabies. He died soon after. Got run over while chasing a car.
[chuckles]
Dan: Just kidding. He died of rabies.

Dan: [heard that Harry's mother is deceased. Harry's chair is facing away] Sir, I'm so very sorry. You have my deepest condolences.
[Harry turns his chair around, revealing he's wearing a ridiculous mask]
Dan: Obviously, you're taking it very well.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [after returning to the bench] I owe you big, counselor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It was my pleasure, sir.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, to the tip...
[grabs Dan by the collar and in a threatening tone]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: of my beanie little face!

Dr. Flick: [Coming in the room, shaking a thermometer] How are we feeling, Mr. Fielding?
Dan: I am in Great Pain!
Dr. Flick: [Smiling widely] Good!
Dan: [Looking at the thermometer] Oral?
Dr. Flick: Yes.
[Then looking down at Dan]
Dr. Flick: Disappointed?
[Dan glares as the Doctor puts the thermometer in his mouth]

Dan: Roses are red, violets are flowers, I can keep going for hours and hours.

Dan: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
Rosalind: How do you know that?
Dan: A little birdie told me.
Christine: Dan, you heard that from Bull!
Dan: All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Christine: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
Dan: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Dan: Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with!
[pause]
Judge Harry T. Stone: A hundred?
Dan: You ever see the signs over the golden arches that say, "over 4 billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [further yelling at Harry for quitting] Why don't you just shut your beanie little face!

Dan: I Cannot Die, I Don't Look Good in a Coffin... . Trust Me, I know!
[Harry gives him a bewildered look]

Dan: You can have your principles AND get lucky!

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
Tony: I'm looking for Fielding...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Christine: Eat mace, bozo!
Tony: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop!
[shows his badge]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
Tony: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Christine: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
Tony: I'm undercover, I put it there!

Dan: [not realizing Bull has already won, Dan rushes onstage to issue the post-hypnotic phrase] Bull! "I want to be your love slave!"
Chuck: Sir! Mr. Shannon just won! And we're on the air live, you pervert!
Dan: [extreme close-up of Dan in a frenzy] Aaauuugghh!

Dan: Yeah okay, okay, I get the picture. And I even understand why you feel this way. I'm not saying there aren't differences. Socially she's a little... underprivileged. But when we're alone, I feel good. Very good. Relaxed, wanted, and accepted.

Alice: Interested in becoming a donor?
Dan: No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."
Alice: Are you sure?
Dan: Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?
Alice: For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.
Dan: [Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.
Alice: Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!
Dan: [chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...
[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse...]
Dan: Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?
[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]
Dan: [into phone] Uh, Harry?
[screaming]
Dan: HELLLLLP!
Valerie: [yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

Dan: [Looking a the $100] Ha ha ha. You see this? Some guy gave me a $100 for my soul.
Christine: Hmmm, good idea. It was just taking up space anyway.

[Harry is pacing while Dan is watching one of Diane's movies]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What should I do?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [staring at the screen] I don't know, but I'd say you're incredibly lucky.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You! You, of all people, should have recognized her!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'm sorry, Harry. The clothes threw me.

Dan: Oh, my God, somebody get me a tailor!

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
Dan: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
Judge Harry T. Stone: He took you to the cleaners, huh?
Dan: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
Judge Harry T. Stone: How bad was it?
[Dan hands him King's check]
Judge Harry T. Stone: $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this...
[he stops, and compares the two papers again]
Judge Harry T. Stone: ...No. *Don't* look back on this.

Dan: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
Christine: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.

Maitre: You must be a night person. I pity you.
Dan: Nice eyebrows. Who was your grandmother? A horned owl?
Maitre: Your snappy retort has stung me to the bone. I must write that down. Nitwit.

Miss: You're not a dog lover, are you, Fielding?
Dan: I've had my share.

Harry: Miss Young, is the defense ready?
Billie: Ready, sir.
Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, does the People have an opening statement?
Dan: [Reading from a diary] "I trembled with schoolgirl anticipation, as he pulled me onto the sofa, and the hand that had once waved to cheering crowds now caressed my naked thigh."
Harry: One of your better efforts, Mr. Fielding.

Bull: [pinching the back of Dan's neck to relieve tension] Of course if you miss this spot a quarter inch either way, you could render a man blind or impotent.
[releases Dan]
Christine: Dan, are you okay?
Dan: [looks at Christine] Well, I can see.
[Christine leans over at her desk to review some work. Dan's looking at her butt]
Dan: Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Dan: [about Mac's newborn baby] It's a girl, Mac.
Court: It's a girl! Get away from my daughter, Dan.

Christine: [about Roz's pen pal] How'd you two meet?
Rosalind: Well, Alex had my apartment before me, but after he moved to California, his mail kept coming. So I wrote him a letter, telling him that if he didn't do something about it, the next letter he got from me would explode in his face.
Dan: How charming.
Rosalind: I guess I did charm him, 'cause next thing I knew he started writing to me.
Christine: Wow, what a great story.
Nostradamus: I had a pen pal once, but we had to stop writing.
Judge Harry T. Stone: How come?
Nostradamus: He couldn't find the time once he became Vice President.

Dan: You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being? I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. She says "It's all right.
[long pause]
Dan: It's all right." And it IS.

[Last lines]
District: [Fielding shows up in a hotel dressed as the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz with a stuffed dog resembling Toto. He finds the right room and makes a quiet, but surprise entrance... only to find out that Vincent Daniels's Halloween party had only midgets/dwarfs as guests, and they were all dressed formally. He can only laugh silently and embarassingly at this]
[Livid]
District: Fielding?
Dan: [to the stuffed dog] Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

[on trial are a group of beauty contestants who attacked their sneaky pageant coordinator]
Dan: Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Christine: You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.
Baliff: What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Court: [Mac and Dan are moved into the hallway by the toy in the box that has moved on its own] What do we do now?
Dan: I don't know. It seems to have a mind of its own.
[the toy follows an attractive woman. Dan follows the toy. To Mac]
Dan: Hold my calls.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, Mac. Call the next case, huh?
Mac: Right. The charge is assault. People versus... The Spirit of Death?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Death? As in... Death?
Dan: Yes, sir. You know, the Dean of Departure, the Prince of Passing, the Goodbye Guy.

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo]
Dan: You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to WORK for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it.
[building]
Dan: That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady - NOBODY - can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.
[throws off his jacket]
Dan: Or for that matter, anywhere else!
Toni: You mean...?
Dan: [yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

Dan: Roz, how do I look? I have a date with an angel.
Rosalind: [Looking him over] And she has a date with the Devil.

Benet: I don't need any help, and I don't need any pity. And I certainly don't need you.
Dan: Fine. Listen, I'll just be over there in the corner beating myself to death with a Boy-Scout manual.
Benet: Let me know if you need any help.
Dan: Yeah, well, I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like ME!

[trapped together in an elevator, during a blizzard]
Warren: I hope Simone's all right. She hates the cold. I left her little sweater at home.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You people are always complaining about stereotypes, and there you are, a practitioner of poodle husbandry.
Warren: I made $140,000 last year. How'd you do?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [incredulous] $140,000?
Warren: Yep. And by the way, I can't stand dogs.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What about Simone? And her "little sweater"?
Warren: That's business, Fielding. The little bitch is an investment. I'd dress her up in makeup if it helps increase my profits.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [smiling] You're my kind of guy, Wilson!
[smile fades]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I can't believe I just said that.

[trying to explain to Leslie's husband about the confusion]
Harry: And, and then this guy came in...
[turns to Dan]
Harry: With a key that *Howdy Doody* did not give him!
Dan: Boy, this has been grand... but, uh, we have a clothing-optional RV show we have to get to.

Dan: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Alice: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!
Christine: Dan, what happened?
Dan: They rejected me.
Alice: Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine: They rejected you? Why?
Alice: His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Nostradamus: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
[runs out of the courtroom]
Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Alice: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Harry: Which are?
Alice: Sixty million per cc.
Dan: I demand a recount!
Alice: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
Dan: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
Alice: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Harry: From sex?
Christine: Dan?
Court: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan: You're taking me back?
Vincent: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent: I don't understand him.
Harry: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Harry: And, uh, Dan?
[behind Harry, Dan stops, arrested in the act of ducking out of the courtroom]
Harry: If you are entertaining any thoughts about sneaking out, Bull has prepared a demonstration which I think will enlighten you.
[Roz places a bowling ball into Bull's hand. He slams his other hand down on it, crushing it to powder]
Dan: Your squish is my command.

News: Once again, State Assembly Candidate Dan Fielding has made potentially embarrassing statements on live television. When asked to explain his actions he had this to say.
Dan: Well, I have pieced it together, and it seems I was kidnapped and drugged by... Soviet agents.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Dan handing out address to his apartment to foreign beauty pageant contestants] This is the address to Dan's apartment. Dan's apartment is Goood!

Court: [the motor of one of the sex toys is running] How do you turn it off?
Dan: I don't know. I usually just fall asleep and let the batteries run down.

Dan: Who are you? Why're you doing this?
Ernie: You don't remember who I am, do you?
Dan: Yes! Of course I do! Roger... Steve! Bob! Bill! Joe! Rudy!
Ernie: Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go back in that courtroom and continue about your work. If you tell anyone about this bomb, then I push this button and you turn into Bake-O Bits. Got it?

Baliff: [after a dog case] You think it's okay if I give him a bone?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well, if you're sure you're done with it.

Dan: Are you out of your mind? I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!
Mac: Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.
Dan: Why me?
Mac: Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful?
Dan: [nods] ... Nobody does it better.

[pickup line]
Dan: Me Tarzan, you lucky.

Gynecologist: How often do you get these pains, Judge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Every now and then.
Gynecologist: Once a week? Once a day?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We'll want to know when they're five minutes apart, Harry.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants are all tenants of what is called a "clothing optional" building.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Ah, they're nudists.
Mr. Lawler: No! That's an archaic term, conjuring images of airbrushed families playing volleyball in the sun! *We* are naturalists! *We* are within our rights!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *They* were in the buffski! On the roof, in clear view of six other buildings.

[Dan must perform an operation on Kista for a hand-injured doctor]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
Dan: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
Dan: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really...
[gasp]
Dan: Ugh! Blood!
Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?