The Best Paula Kelly Quotes

Marguerite: [Sophia said she cursed Shelley Long off the show Cheers] Thank you for taking care of that Shelley Long. I'm tired of that thin, uppity, white woman too.

Public: Your Honor, my clients were lured to New York under the guise of a legitimate beauty contest. However, it turned out that Mr. Harris here did not have the prize money he claimed to have. The girls found out during the competition and... they responded.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your honor, according to witnesses Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Public: I always make it a rule. Never get involved with people I work with.
Lana: You work with rapists, junkies, muggers, and flashers.
Public: That does make it easier.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [about Jennifer] I can't see her anymore.
Public: Right.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I like her.
Public: Right.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I like her, so I can't see her anymore.
Public: And they called it the birth of the blues.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [nodding sadly] Right.

Sophia: So what's all this crap about you putting a curse on my daughter?
Marguerite: What is she talking about?
Sophia: Don't play dumb with me. I've been known to cast a curse myself. Do you think Shelley Long was really tired of playing in Cheers? Wrong, baby! I was tired of her!
Marguerite: Is that what you think this is all about? You think I put a curse on you?
Blanche: Well, it's true! You got mad at us for firing you, that's why you reversed that love potion you gave me.
Marguerite: Honey, that wasn't love potion. That was Chanel Number 5!
Rose: I'm not buying that! Dorothy uses Chanel Number 5 all the time and she never attracts men!

Blanche: So, Marguerite, wont you start by telling us a little about yourself.
Marguerite: Well, there isn't much to tell. I'm hard working. Honest. And I'll work for a reasonable wage.
Rose: That's it?
Marguerite: Alright. I wont go on with this charade any longer. There is something else, I'm black. Now if that's a problem for you, I'm white. Course that'll cost you extra!
Dorothy: Oh, Marguerite, I could kiss you!
Marguerite: And I don't go for that freaky stuff.
Rose: Oh, neither do Dorothy and I.

[the next defendant enters, wearing a trench coat]
Guy T. Reynolds: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sure.
Public: [as he starts to] NO!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Miss Williams!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the charge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [reads] Indecent exposure.
[He looks over the top of the bench, to see Mr. Reynolds's bare legs peeking out from below the trench coat]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
Guy T. Reynolds: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert! I'm a nudist.
[Applause from the gallery]

Liz: [Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant] I'm thirsty. How about you?
Dan: No. Thank you. I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.
Liz: Oh.
[suddenly realizes]
Liz: Uh-oh.
Dan: Uh-huh.
[Dan crosses his legs tightly]

[the courthouse has been overrun by Jennifer Black's fans. One of them walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Male.
Public: Female.
[At the fork, the fan shrugs and walks into the men's room. Liz hands Selma some cash]

[reading the death threat to Harry]
Public: Well, a person would have to be seriously deranged to do this stuff!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sarcastic] Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

[the gang leaves Bull's apartment, but he walks out after them]
Baliff: Hey, wait a minute!
Public: Your head, watch out, you-!
[She falls silent as the top of the doorjam turns out to be a doggie door, that swings open to let his head pass under it]
Baliff: Listen, I just wanted to thank you all for being concerned about me. I really appreciate it.
Public: Well...
Baliff: Goodnight.
[He goes back in, the doggie door swinging again]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That is pretty clever.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Let's go get some coffee. I got to tell you about his toilet seat.

Judge Harry T. Stone: By the way, folks. I don't know why it makes any difference to anyone, it sure shouldn't, but for the record I'm 34 years old.
Dan: The pool.
Public: Oh, the pool.
Bailiff: I had...
Dan: [Checking the pool sheet] HTS. Who's HTS.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Call it a hunch.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Smiling at Lana] Well good. Then Take your medicine, Take the night off, Go home and Go to bed.
[He takes the armadillo of her hands]
Public: [Just entering the office] Hey everybody.
Lana: [Taking the armadillo back stubbornly] I cannot do you any good in bed.
Public: [Shaking her head] No Man's going to buy that!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Ignoring Liz and responding to Lana] Don't worry about me, I can take care of my self.
Public: [Shocked] He bought it.

Dorothy: [coming onto the lanai carrying a small painted rock] Girls, look what I found under my bed.
Rose: Gee, that's the most colorful dustball I've ever seen.
Dorothy: This is no dustball, Rose. I think it may be some kind of charm.
Marguerite: [overhearing] It is! I learned it from my grandmother. You put a specially painted rock beneath a person's bed to bring them a restful sleep.
Dorothy: Are you telling me that you put this under my bed?
Marguerite: Well, I was only trying to be helpful! I figured with those terrible bags you needed the rest.
Rose: Dorothy always looks like that.
Blanche: And besides it'll take a lot more than rest to get rid of those babies!
Dorothy: Listen, I have an idea. Why don't each of you take it in turns hitting me with a two by four?

Public: [watching a videotape of a couple having public sex in Central Park] They're breaking the law, alright.
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: Of gravity.

Public: Talk with your head, but listen with your heart.

[Harry, in disguise, walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Female.
Public: I agree, no bet.
[They watch Harry turn into the men's room]
Bailiff: You know, it was all so simple in the forties.

Public: You're only as old as you feel, Right Selma?
Bailiff: That was vicious!
[Gets up and leaves]