800 Best Night Court Quotes

Public: [wondering if Harry likes the 'specialty' of the restaurant] So, what's the verdict?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [after Harry dashes from the table with stomach pain] Manslaughter.

Christine: I can't believe anyone would want to send Dan Fielding to a war zone.
Mac: Except as bait.
[the two nod]

Buddy: [saying good-bye to Harry] I guess I'll see you around, Harry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Anytime, Buddy. And I mean that. Anytime.
Buddy: How about tomorrow?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [having had enough Buddy for one day] No, not tomorrow. I'll call.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Miss Bouvier, please have a seat.
Harry: NO!
Judge Martin A. Landis: Did he say "no"?
Harry: [to Willard] You have no right to pry into my private life or hers.
[to Landis]
Harry: None of this has anything to do with my competency on the bench.
Judge Martin A. Landis: I think we should let a court decide that, Judge Stone.
Judge: Ah, you ARE the court sir.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Hey, that's convenient, isn't it.

Nesbitt: I just wanted people to know that the Constitution says everyone is equal. And if we don't agree with someone, we should just live and let live. But all I ever see is hatred and intolerance and bigotry, and it's not supposed to be like that. Everyone in our country is a child of this Constitution, and that makes us a family. I just want us to treat each other that way.

Rosalind: [Alone on the roof] James you big dumb son of a-
[to the sky]
Rosalind: Sorry.

Court: [Dan teased Harry about his old school bully] Like you don't get scared when you hear, "I think that's my husband at the door."
Dan: [naturally flinches] What?

Quon: Then you forgive me for wanting to slay the little bitch?

[a group of circus geeks has been brought in for alleged lewd conduct; after hearing the facts of the case]
Harry: Mrs. Cooper, this is certainly a most serious and sobering charge...
[motioning "one second," he ducks his head under the bench and laughs hysterically; then he re-appears, perfectly sober]
Harry: Nevertheless... I don't really see where any law has been broken.

Billy: On report? I want her fired!
Mrs. MacDonald: That's enough, Billy.
Billy: What?
Mrs. MacDonald: You heard me.
Billy: Are you talking to me?
Mrs. MacDonald: Yes, I am, William Fenimore McDonald!
Billy: Wow! She hasn't called me that in 6 years!
Mrs. MacDonald: Speaking as your mother, we need to make some changes around here. You, me, your dressing room now!
Billy: But Mommy!
Mrs. MacDonald: MOVE IT, BUSTER!

Vincent: Oh, uh, Fielding? Got any spare change for the vending machine? I'm a little... short right now.
[Dan trembles, on the verge of an explosion]
Vincent: Did you hear me, Fielding? I said, I'm a little... *short* right now. Anything you'd care to say?
[Dan tears off a piece of paper and wads it into his mouth, screams around it, then rushes out of the room]

Quon: [At Christine's party, upset she pulls Mac aside] The other gentleman are wearing sports jackets. Why didn't you wear that sports jacket I bought you?
Mac: You got me a ski jacket!
Quon: Sking is a Sport!

[On her first day, Billie has revealed that she has sympathized with her client, and hidden the cat he stole. She is now in jail for contempt of court, and Harry comes to visit her]
Billie: I know you don't agree with me, but...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I agree with you.
Billie: I don't expect you to... You agree with me?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sure. I probably would have done the same thing.
Billie: [muttering] They told me you were nuts.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Beg pardon?
Billie: I... if you agree with me, why am I in jail?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Call it a whim. I have this thing about upholding the law. Billie, what you did was noble, it really was, and as a person I can admire it.
Billie: But as a judge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Cough up the cat.

Lisette: Hey, Oscar. Where are you goin'?
Oscar: Well, let's see. The night's still young. I figure I'll stop at the corner, pick up a kraut dog and a papaya juice, head down to my place, do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, and fall asleep in my clothes.
Lisette: You could do that at my place.
Oscar: Do you have... one of those foot massage machines?
Lisette: No, but I'll let you stand on my epileptic cat.

Alice: [In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.
Dan: It'll be my pleasure.
[laughs]
Alice: [Not impressed] All finished?
Dan: Yeah.
Alice: Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?
Nostradamus: Yes, he gave at the office.
[laughs]
Nostradamus: I'm never gonna get through this.
[stands up and walks away]
Dan: No, I haven't.
Alice: Have you ever had a semen analysis?
Dan: You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.
Alice: Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?
Dan: [Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?
Alice: I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.
Dan: You really enjoy your work, don't you?
Alice: Immensely.

[to District Attorney Daniels, a midget]
Dan: Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.
Vincent: Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Judge: Do you want to hear a funny story, Harry?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Your honor.
Judge: There was this girl, seventeen, beautiful girl; dark complexion; dark hair; and a WELT under her eye where her husband had hit her. She was pregnant for the THIRD time, I think, and the DA said they lived in a rat infested place on the lower East Side. She said she wanted her husband to stop hitting her, and as soon I indicated that I'd send him to jail, ZIP, she changed her testimony, said she was lying. She didn't want her husband to go to jail. He brought home MONEY so the family could eat. All she wanted was for HIM to stop HITTING HER, well Harry, I can't make him stop, in twenty-five years I never made ANYBODY stop.
[He wanders around his chamber]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm sorry.
Judge: Ah, God's in his heaven... but all's not quite right in the world.

Dan: Harry, don't you understand that it is a matter of dignity?
Harry: Oh, I know that. You are in need of some.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, I guess when you live by yourself long enough, you develope a few idiosyncrasies.
Buddy: Well I understand. Hey, I'm no walk through the carwash myself.
[He laughs]

Dan: [Dan is calling around for a Halloween costume. Listens to a clerk on the phone. To Florence] What's a Smurf?
Florence: Imagine your cat threw up a blue hairball that talked.

Bull: [introducing himself on "What Am I?"] I'm Bull Shannon. And I think I'm gonna vomit.
Chuck: [in a cheerful host tone] Well, if you reach me, that's an extra hundred dollars.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [when the gang comes into Harry's office to see how he's doing after his examination] The man said I got a little pain in my tummy, that's all.
Gynecologist: That's not what I said, Judge. This doesn't sound like simple indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.
Public: Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?
Gynecologist: Gynecologist.

Ludmila: You're not exactly what I expected either Judge Stone.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Please, I'm Harry.
[Then looking her up and down with a flirtatious smile]
Judge Harry T. Stone: And unlike a lot of Russian woman, I imagin you're not.

[Christine is stuck in the elevator, in labor]
Harry: Is there room for a person to lie down in there?
Dan: Full-grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera.

Judge: Who's Fielding?
Dan: I am, Your Honor.
Judge: Get your butt up here and state your grievance.
[Dan takes the stand]
Judge: Briefly, very briefly.
Dan: [stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!
[pause]
Judge: You may elaborate.

Buddy: [Seeing Christine pregnant for the first time] Is it my imagination, or is Christine developing a beer gut?

Nostradamus: Wow! You're not going to believe who was named one of the ten most interesting men of New York!
Rosalind: If it's you, I'm moving to New Jersey.
[Bulls shows Roz and Mac the magazine]
Rosalind: Judge Harold T. Stone!
Mac: Interesting! You got to be kidding.
[Not impressed]
Nostradamus: Nope, he's right here sandwiched between Laurence Taylor and J.F.K Jr.
Rosalind: [Smiling dreamily] There's one sandwich I'd love to be part of.

Harry T. Stone: Leo... come take your $3 million back, and spend it with a clear conscience, knowing that *you* are the most deserving person here.
Leo: Your Honor... are you sure? Are you sure this is the right thing?
Harry T. Stone: It's the only thing, Leo, believe me. A person with your capacity for giving is very special. Perhaps it's time you started giving to yourself. Besides, you charged me with the responsibility of finding the most worthy person.
[puts the ticket in Leo's hand and folds his fingers over it]
Harry T. Stone: Well, I did.

[a group of old ladies stand accused of running an unlicensed phone-sex service]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who like to fantasize while talking to...
Old: A bunch of old broads?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay.
Old: Oh, they don't know how old we are. I always use a phone persona, to heighten the fantasy.
Old: [mimes picking up a phone and talking in a sexy voice] "Hi, I'm Bent Barbara."
Dan: [looking shocked] YOU'RE BENT BARBARA?
Old: You sound kind of familiar...
Old: It's VICK VASELINO.
Dan: [Scottish accent] Uh, no lass, you must be mistaken.
Old: You can't fool us, Vic. Not after sharing so many personal, intimate fantasies. So...
Old: [pointing to Christine] You must be Christine.

Harry: I don't even remember what we were fighting about.
Public: Yeah, me neither.
Bull: Uh, Harry, you called her a flighty air-head, and Christine, you said he was a sexist pig flake.
Harry: Thank you so much, Bull.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks, Mac. You've obviously had some experience with...
Mac: Unhealthy minds? Oh, yeah. In 'Nam, one guy I was with really burned out all his circuits. Went running around the compound screaming, "Kill! Kill!" Crazed as hell, boy.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What'd they do with him?
Mac: Made him an officer.

Dan: [Dan found out that the two weeks he spent abstaining from sex as part of a sperm donor program was unnecessary] I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3 AM and I don't have a *date*.
[He begins looking obsessively around the cafeteria]
Roz: Run for your lives girls!
[All females flee the cafeteria. Dan still looks around obsessively]
Harry: Better safe than sorry guys!
[All males flee]

[last lines]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!
Christine: I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I did it for the people.
[opens the envelope and looks at the check]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Twenty bucks*? Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?
Rosalind: [reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Dan: [Bull is crying because he can't pick up women in a club] Would you stop that?
Bull: I can't help it. I'm a pathetic, worthless, socially inept geek.
Dan: Of course you are. But pull yourself together.

Public: [after Harry dismisses her from a court case against the man she's dating] Stay away from me or I'll jump!
Baliff: [to Selma] I think she's bluffing.

Rosalind: [Before James is returned to custody] I can't promise to be faithful.
James: [Knowing what can happen while in jail] *I* can.

Christine: Bull, what are you doing?
Nostradamus: I'm going to make a video record of your entire pregnancy. I even got a weather-proof lens in case your water breaks during a close-up.

Court: [to all after they caught Mac and Lenore kissing] There's an easy explanation for all this.
[He can't think of one and pleads with the others]
Court: Somebody please give me an easy explanation for all this.

Dan: Excuse me, anything for me?
Joy: Yeah, your doctor phoned and said your tests came out negative.
Dan: Are you sure?
Joy: Hey, it's a poor musician who blames his instrument.

New: Admit it, the old Enterprise was a piece of junk!
Old: Oh, yeah? How would you like a Vulcan death grip?
[They start to fight, Bull grabs them both by the collarbone]
New: Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
Nostradamus: How do you like the Baliff Bull grip?

Bull: [a city rep offers $25,000 to Bull so he doesn't sue the city after being struck by lightning. Looks to the courtroom ceiling] Thank yoooouuu.
[he exits the courtroom, then Mac enters and hears beeping on the computer]
Mac: [reads] "You're welcome. And sorry about the underwear."

Public: Talk with your head, but listen with your heart.

Harry: Hi, ladies.
Rosalind: Sir! What a pleasant surprise. Where'd you come from?
Harry: [still recovering from Big Maggie's kiss] The mouth of the Amazon!

[At his job interview, Dan finds that the hiring partner only wants him for an office gigolo]
Dan: You think you can call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, maybe I wasn't able to afford some snooty Ivy League education. But let me tell you something. When you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something else: a fighting sow-belly has to WORK for what he wants! Can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know, I live the law every day. In the courts and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I come home at night. But that's the way I like it.
[building]
Dan: That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady - NOBODY - can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law.
[throws off his jacket]
Dan: Or for that matter, anywhere else!
Toni: You mean...?
Dan: [yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

[about Yakov's brother, who doesn't want to go back to the Soviet Union]
Baliff: Is it really that bad over there?
Yakov: You ever been to Milwaukee?
Baliff: Yeah.
Yakov: Close your eyes.
Baliff: Why?
Yakov: Please?
[Bull does]
Yakov: When you open your eyes, you're going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in a cab, and drive two hundred miles in any direction, and you're still going to be in the middle of Milwaukee. You can get in an airplane, and fly two thousand miles, and you're still...
Baliff: [clutching his head] NO! STOP, STOP IT!
[Bull rushes away]
Yakov: [to his brother] Works every time.

Buddy: [about Bull's hiccups] Have you tried holding your breath?
Bull: That works?
Buddy: It always did for me. And it's loads of fun. That's how I had my first hallucination.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey Buddy how was the honeymoon?
Buddy: Harry it was Fantasitic. In-fact I didn't leave the hotel room for the first twenty-four hours.
Dan: [Pumping his fist] Yeeesss!
Buddy: And then Amanda finally tracked down a locksmith and they let me out of there.
[Harry an Ah-ha look]

Judge Harry T. Stone: It happened 25 years ago?
Christine: Did it involve a person, place or thing?
Mac: With Dan it usually involves all three.

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, what brings you around?
Christine: [Standing next to Bill] Oh, not much. We just wanted to announce we're getting married. That's all.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Stunned] Married?
[Turns to everyone at the table]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Can you top that?
Rosalind: [Reading a tabloid aloud] "Bigfoot reveals miracle diet plan."
Judge Harry T. Stone: Close.

Mac: Well I think you are going to be very impressed with this commercial. With my artistic eye and brilliant execution, I am Confident that this spot is going to put Christine Sullivan on everybody's lips.
Christine: [Everyone turns suddenly to Dan, who is about to speak up] Don't DAN! DON'T!
[Dan makes a sad pouty face and walks away]

Dan: You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?
Vincent: The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was a intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.
[He looks Dan square in the eye]
Vincent: It was his own.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry has to be told about a department store Santa's altercation with a hooker and her pimp, but in the presence of a little boy] And you are?
Mandy: I'm the gift that keeps on giving.
Judge Harry T. Stone: And...?
Lorenzo: I'm the elf who handles the money.

Christine: Dan, you saved my life.
Harry: Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.
Christine: Dan, how can I possibly repay you?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Initially laughs it off, until...] Sleep with me.

[during a Christmas episode, Harry happens to look outside of his chambers, and sees a reindeer in the hallway]
Harry: [running back into chambers] Everyone, come quick, you have to see this!
[everyone runs out into the hallway. Selma is standing where the reindeer was]
Bull: It's Selma!
Harry: Selma, did you see that?
Selma: I saw it, all right.
[she begins to walk away. Everyone runs to where she was standing]
Selma: If you think I'm cleaning that up, you're out of your mind.

Christine: Roz, um, what is that on the side of my glass?
Rosalind: A little pink umbrella
Christine: No, the thing opening up the umbrella
Rosalind: [Roz flicks something off the side of Christine's glass] Usually they just take a sip, lay eggs, and move on

[Dan is lying in bed with his political opponent, Joan Hobson]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

Public: Oh Come on Dan, get real. Haven't you ever listened to the trash that comes out of your mouth?
Dan: [Innocent tone] Like What?
Public: [With a come off it face] Like the constant insults you're always hurling at me for being prudish, or Harry, for being oldfashion or Bull for being... Bull. My God their isn't anyone who is safe around here.
Dan: [They both think for a moment and then acknowledge together] Well Roz.

Harry: Buddy, you've been better for years. You could have told me this any number of times.
Buddy: Well, I figured it would hurt your career if people found out your dad was, uh... half a bubble off.
Harry: Buddy...
Buddy: Oh, no! You were a... you were a judge! You could go on to be mayor, or governor, or maybe even the guy who hosts the big Lotto Spin!
Harry: I appreciate your faith in me.
Buddy: Hey, even if you weren't the son I always knew I had, you'd still be the son I always wished I wanted. So, I'm glad I have ya... son.
Harry: I can't think of a nicer or more confusing compliment.
[They hug]

Christine: Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well,
[not looking up for a bunch of paperwork]
Judge Harry T. Stone: just dont make eye contact or show fear and he'll leave you alone.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Remember that carnival geek that married his dog?
Florence: Yeah. It's over. I ran into her the other day.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What happened?
Florence: I ran into her the other day.

Harry: Come on, Dan. You can't let this get to you. Come on, every red-blooded American male has had to face this problem at one time or another in his life.
Dan: Has it ever happened to you?
Harry: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
[later]
Bull: Take heart, Dan, this happens to every guy sooner or later.
Dan: Has it ever happened to you?
Bull: [jerks back, stung] Hell, no!
Dan: Excuse me.
[He exits, passing Mac as he comes in]
Dan: H-?
Mac: Hell, no!

Benet: Hi, everybody. I'd like for all of you to say hello to my new son, Reinhold.
Florence: [with everyone puzzled] Reinhold?
Benet: Uh-huh.
Florence: Reinhold?
Benet: Uh, were we interrupting something?
Harry: No, not at all. I was about to toast to your children. May they live long and prosper.
All: [raising their glasses of Cherry Kool-Aid] Cheers.
Harry: Ah, and now, if you will excuse me...
Harry: [stepping out into the hallway] Reinhold?
[grimacing in disbelief]

[the staff enters Harry's office near the end of recess]
Bull: Hey.
Harry: You guys ready to do it?
Roz: Some more than others.
Dan: You know, I'm really glad that my personal life is suddenly everybody's business!
Roz: Hey, don't get testy with me just 'cause your Dow Jones average hit a slump.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You mean shut down?
[Dan: ]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Nah!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It's good to be the king.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after being asked if he wanted a drink, Harry shakes his head] I'm still working, I'll have a Virgin Mary.
[Then looking akwardly at Sister Sara he turns back]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Make that a Shirley Temple.

Public: [desperately trying to distract Fenton] Is there something in my eye?
Gary: Yes. Broccoli.

[Harry arm-wrestles Edwards for the orphanage's money]
Sister: Rip his arm out of his socket!

Dan: You know, one of my college roommates actually contracted rabies. He died soon after. Got run over while chasing a car.
[chuckles]
Dan: Just kidding. He died of rabies.

[Eddie is about to throw himself down the elevator shaft - for the second time]
Eddie: [to Melnick] So, you live with this, you scum! AAAAHHHH...!
[Harry, Christine and Melnick scream as Eddie jumps down - about 3 feet]
Eddie: Surprise. I'm standing on top of the elevator.
Dr. Charles Melnick: [collapsed on the floor, holding his chest] I... want... you... dead.
Eddie: [jumps back to the floor] Why? You said I have so much to live for.
[to Harry and Christine]
Eddie: So what do you think, guys? My first joke.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [sagging against the wall] It killed me.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [over the phone] You gotta listen to me! That woman you're with is psychotic!
Dan: [chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...
[as he turns away, Valerie takes a butcher knife out of her purse...]
Dan: Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?
[And throws it, embedding it into the wall a few inches in front of Dan's nose]
Dan: [into phone] Uh, Harry?
[screaming]
Dan: HELLLLLP!
Valerie: [yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

Bull: [Bull steps down after giving his testimony. To Harry] I tried to look menacing.
Harry: [Proudly] A little more work and I think you'll have it.

Al: I don't know what's real anymore... When I was young, my mother told me Santa Claus was real. But when I got older- she told me he wasn't. One book says Jesus is real: one book says he isn't. We're living in the greatest country in the world! and we're murdering each other in the streets. What did they expect when they made us believe in the tooth fairy and the easter bunny then gave us the nuclear bomb to play with... Hey diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle is a lie like all the rest, the astronauts killed the man in the moon, growing up took care of the rest.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Okay, So you haven't found the right person so you keep looking.
Dan: [Exasperated] Harry! I have dated the State.

Dan: [Looking at an apartment flyer] Look at those high ceilings.
Mac: Oh yeah, no more hitting your head when you use the trampoline.
[And while Dan nods in agreement, Mac shakes his head in disgust]

Grampa: You're pretty sharp for a...
Quon: Minority?
Grampa: My boy never had a chance, did he?
[She smiles and shakes her head]

Dr. Judith Malloy: Dan, make me scream like a banshee!

[the next defendant enters, wearing a trench coat]
Guy T. Reynolds: May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sure.
Public: [as he starts to] NO!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Miss Williams!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the charge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [reads] Indecent exposure.
[He looks over the top of the bench, to see Mr. Reynolds's bare legs peeking out from below the trench coat]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
Guy T. Reynolds: That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert! I'm a nudist.
[Applause from the gallery]

Baliff: Here you go, sir. They tried to escape twice.
Mrs. Sheldon: We're feisty.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I can see that. Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Yes, sir. The defendants were arrested for disturbing the peace at a local eatery after they turned over the salad bar and assaulted each other with baby tomatoes, the three bean salad, and lettuce tongs.
Public: The Sheltons' children threw them a sixty-fifth anniversary party and things got out of hand.
Mr. Sheldon: I didn't know she was gonna to be there.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sixty-fifth anniversary?
Mrs. Sheldon: That's lead. If I had a gun, I'd give Mr. Shelton a little present.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Pardon the presumption, but I'm getting the impression that you two lived through sixty-five years of marital...
Mr. Sheldon: Agony.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks. Why?
Mrs. Sheldon: We were waiting for the children to die.
Mr. Sheldon: Aw, not that we wanted them to die, of course.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Of course.
Mrs. Sheldon: It's just that divorce can be so damaging. We were only thinking of the boys.
Judge Harry T. Stone: The boys?
Mr. Sheldon: Little Freddie will be sixty-four in April.
Mrs. Sheldon: And the baby just retired. This would kill him.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I have no reason to doubt that.

[Examining a dead body and speaking into a tape recorder]
Chief: Subject shows signs of internal bleeding, rupture of the kidney and pancreatic walls...
[takes a bite of a sandwich]
Chief: ...and massive haemorraging.

Bob: The boy's right, judge. Anybody who sat on the same piece of land for forty-five years and never see it produce can't be the smartest man in the world, now can he? I never lost hope, did I, mother?
Mucette: No, you didn't, Daddy Bob. You had more hope than anybody in the parish. Except for that young fellow at the filling station who tried to check his fuel tanks with a match...

Harry: [Mac brings a marriage license for Chad and Babs and needs Harry to sign it. Harry is still delivering their baby] Mac I am holding a fragile human life in my hands!
[pause]
Harry: Put the pen in my mouth.
[he signs it]
Court: [reviewing the signature that should read 'Harry Stone'] Howie... Stallone?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Speaking of Bull's replacement for two weeks] Her name is Ursula something.
Dan: Ursula? We're getting a bailiff named Ursula?
Judge Harry T. Stone: That's what they tell me.
Dan: Yee. I picture high Scandinavian cheek bones... Stern, yet yielding blue eyes, a mane of blond hair. Kinda girl you wanna get naked with and roll around in front of a fire place.
Ursula: [Old, short woman walks into Harry's office] Judge Stone, I'm Ursula.
Dan: [Notices Ursula, jumps. and screams] Aaaah!
Ursula: What's with him?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Reality cramps.
Ursula: Tell me about it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So, uh, you're Ursula...
Ursula: Schmiendorf.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Schmiendorf. That's German, isn't it?
Dan: Yeah, it means bad sausage.

Lorna: Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
Arlene: Why, you lying...!
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Dying words? Is Dad dead?
Dan: As a kipper on a cracker!
[shocked looks]
Dan: I'm sorry to say.
Harry: Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
Bull: He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk]
Bull: This is Mr. Hubner.
Harry: Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I read that the Detroit Lions have a new stadium. They got a dome, Mac.
Court: Isn't that a breath of fresh air, sir?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Now you can have the Lions hosting the Chicago Bears at the new stadium. Then across town the Detroit baseball team could be playing. Then you know who's all playing at once? Lions and Tigers and Bears.
Court: Oh my!

Christine: Does James...
Rosalind: Make me howl like a coyote till the sun comes up?
Christine: Oh! I didn't really mean that.
[Turning away flustered, then turning back]
Christine: Does he?
Rosalind: Let me put it this way
[She smiles happily]
Rosalind: My neighbors have started sleeping days.

Harry: Miss Young, is the defense ready?
Billie: Ready, sir.
Harry: Mr. Prosecutor, does the People have an opening statement?
Dan: [Reading from a diary] "I trembled with schoolgirl anticipation, as he pulled me onto the sofa, and the hand that had once waved to cheering crowds now caressed my naked thigh."
Harry: One of your better efforts, Mr. Fielding.

[discussing plea deals before session]
Dan: Mackinaw.
Christine: Now this guy, he's a family man. Do you have to charge him with indecent exposure?
Dan: A guy shows up at a public beach wearing nothing but a hot dog bun and relish, what am I supposed to charge him with?
Christine: Vending without a license?

Rosalind: [referring to Dan's younger sister, Donna, and the possibility of Bull proposing to her] Bull, do you love her?
Nostradamus: I don't even know her! But I gave my word and I intend to keep it.
Rosalind: Well, before you go through with this remember what my grandfather used to tell me. 'To thine own self, be true.' That's 'Hamlet.'
Nostradamus: 'I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent.' That's Horton.

Harry: [Reading instructions] Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back. Step 2, remove any foreign object from the victim's mouth.
Court: Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing.
[All eyes go to Dan]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine looks beneath her coat, and shrieks. Dan pulls out her garments] Better to be safe than sorry.

Christine: Well God will see us through this Mac. I know She will.

[Harry is pacing while Dan is watching one of Diane's movies]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What should I do?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [staring at the screen] I don't know, but I'd say you're incredibly lucky.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You! You, of all people, should have recognized her!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'm sorry, Harry. The clothes threw me.

Mac: They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: 509?
Mac: Uh-huh.
Judge Harry T. Stone: B?
Mac: Yep.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Dan: Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Hank: I never thought I'd see the day that my son would wear my weddin' dress.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Judge Stone, will you be represented by counsel?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I will be representing myself, Your Honor.
Judge Martin A. Landis: "He who represents himself has a fool for a client." Who said that?
Judge: Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Who cares?

Judge Martin A. Landis: [Bull sits in the witness seat, but as tall as he is Landis thinks he's still standing] You may be seated.
Bull: I am seated.
Judge Martin A. Landis: ...Oh yes, so you are.

Kimberley: I swear. I just had one of the most increditable experiences of my LIFE!
Dan: A little nooner at the "Hung Jury Hotel".
Christine: Oh, Dan!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I believe the lady was referring to our buggy ride through Central Park.
Christine: [to Dan] Some people have class.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: IT WAS A BABY BUGGY!
Kimberley: We both squeezed in. Harry brought the champaigne, and then...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone,11900: [Tickeling each other under the chin] Goochie goochie goochie goochie.
Dan: [to Christine] Everybody's kinky... except you.

Bailiff: Stop the world, I wanna get off.

Nostradamus: Sir, I finished my pumpkin.
[Turns pumpkin around]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Bull, it looks like you just punched it with your fist.
Nostradamus: I did.
Mac: Why didn't you use a knife, Bull?
Nostradamus: Hey, what a great idea.

Judge: [at Harry's Judicial Review] Excuse me, Judge Landis. We're ready to begin.
Judge Martin A. Landis: [appears to be reviewing documentation] Just a moment.
Judge Martin A. Landis: [shows a "Highlights" magazine to Judge Willard] Can you find the hippo in this picture?

[after turning down Dan's request for a campaign contribution]
Ted: I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You bet I will! Let me tell you something, I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who would want to buy me!

Court: [looking at Buddy's resume] What is this, Buddy? It says here you spent 1971 on a meditative sabbatical.
Buddy: Well, Harry dreamed that one up.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, Buddy, we couldn't very well tell people that you spent a year trying to figure out ways to get Gilligan off the island.
Buddy: I came up with 10,000 ideas.
Court: Ideas? Like, building a bamboo raft?
Buddy: 10,000 and one!

Rosalind: [Hand on Mac's shoulder stopping him from continuing his psychology rant of Dan] I'll go get Dan.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Are you sure you don't want to stick around and testify?
Rosalind: Nah, I don't have anything nice to say about him anyway.

Roz: [Bull's blind girlfriend has escorted him out of the room] The blind... leading the blank.

Mrs. Smith: [offers herself to Dan after Sheila rejects him for Mr. Tuttle] I'll wait for you downstairs. Don't knock it till you tried it.
[she leaves]
Food: Hey pal, did I get your order?
Dan: [after a moment decides to take Mrs. Smith up on her offer. To the vendor] Give me ten puddings.

Harry: Mr. and Mrs. Elmore, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to poke my nose into other people's business.
Mucette: [smiling] That's a judge's job, isn't it?
Harry: I suppose it is.
Bob: Now, you see, judge, what the boy did here, was right! He got out of that little two-bit town and made something out of himself. And we encouraged him all the way, didn't we boy?
[Dan nods uncomfortably]
Bob: We sold everything decent that we had to give him some pocket money for college. But he did all the rest hisself, with the scholarships, odd jobs, school...

[pickup line]
Dan: Me Tarzan, you lucky.

Bob: [Being brought into the courtroom] Just take us right to the gas chambers, we don't care.
Florence: If only they were all like you.

Mac: They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in...
[checks watch]
Mac: Two hours.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [aghast] Two hours?
Mac: They said all their people are tied up right now.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Tied up with what?
Mac: Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up With People.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

Eddie: [Eddie is giving away everything he owns] Okay, I've got a shopping center.
[Everyone jumps up excited]
Eddie: It's in Milwaukee.
[Everyone sits down dejected]

Chief: [Before attending to another issue, he says to Phil regarding a corpse] Put your finger right there.
Phil: [Complies, then says to the corpse] Let me know if this hurts.

[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Harry: Bull!
Bull: Mind if I smoke?
Christine: Doctor, is he all right?
Doctor: That depends. What did he look like before?
Mac: Just like that.
Doctor: Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Harry: Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
Doctor: Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
Bull: But I'm feeling much better now.
Dan: Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Dan: Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

Judge: Just who are you restraining, Mister?
Harry: It's not Mister, it's Judge Harold T. Stone.
Judge: Do you expect me to believe a man who wears a tie like that?

[after the State Assembly race is announced to be a tie by a single, last-minute vote, the voter's body is brought into the morgue]
Harry: What was it, a heart attack?
Attendant: Suicide.
[he hands Harry a folded note and raises his eyebrows at him]
Harry: [reading] "I can't stand living in this crummy city another day. So as a final gesture of my contempt for New York, I'm voting to put that scummy worm Dan Fielding into office. Fielding and New York deserve each other. Goodbye, and good riddance."
Phil: [sniffles] What a tribute!

Harry: [as Sascha Minkoff exits the elevator] Ms. Minkoff, here's your ring back.
Sascha: Oh, who cares about that stupid rock.
[walks off smiling]
Harry: [sees Dan stumbling around on the elevator] Dan?
Dan: [dazed] Harry?
Harry: Are you all right?
Dan: I'm fine.
Dan: [in a John Wayne persona] Pilgrim. Never better.

[last lines]
Nostradamus: Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.
Johnny: I'm sorry to hear that.
Nostradamus: Excuse me, but... aren't you married now?
[Carson furrows his brow]
Johnny: I... I don't know.

Bailiff: I had a husband just like that.
Nostradamus: Oh, yeah?
Bailiff: Yeah. I had to shoot *him* too.

Christine: So Sir,
[playing with a very short hair style]
Christine: What do you think?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Taking no notice of her new cut] I think if we're done by nine
[looking at his watch]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm going to be flying Lifthansa.

Bull: This is Rosalind Russell.
Dan: Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Rosalind Russell, that's a neat name.
Roz: My mother was a show-business freak.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah.
Roz: I do consider myself more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
Christine: Oh, the poor thing.
Roz: That's what my brother says.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Your brother...?
Roz: Slappy.
[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
Bull: Harry's mother left him when he was a child. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
Roz: My brother hasn't seen my mother in thirty years.
Bull: Your brother...?
Roz: Topo Gigio.

Kenny: [at the hospital] You're the third person in that bed in two days.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What happened?
Kenny: The angel of death took them all. Here's to you making it through the night.

Court: Lenore, this is, this is crazy! The thing is, you're so young and I'm so... married.

Old: Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.
New: Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!
Old: Go suck on a Tribble!
New: Go sit on a phaser!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Hitting the gavel] Ooooh, None of that language in my courtroom.

Nostradamus: [after Bob has described himself as an Anglophile] I have heard enough!
Rosalind: Bull, an Anglophile is someone who studies the British.
Nostradamus: Oh. I thought it was someone who stuffs liver in his socks and looks at pictures of Jo Anne Worley. What do you call that?
Rosalind: A Worley Bird.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You know 'Zippy Bits,' that breakfast cereal that promises a free circus whistle in each box? Well I bought a box, polished off the whole thing. No whistle. I even called them. They said there was a whistle in every box. Guess they were right.
Public: You mean he's been carrying around a piece of plastic in his stomach all these years?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No, about three weeks.

Rosalind: [as they open their gifts] What's this...? I get to see Mike Tyson at Madison Square Gardens?
Quon: No, you get to *fight* Mike Tyson at Madison Square Gardens!
Mac: We got him to give you a three round exhibition match.
Rosalind: Oh, this is the loveliest, sweetest, most thoughtful...
[kisses Mac on the cheek]
Rosalind: I'll rip his freakin' head off!

Harry: [in regards to Arthur Thursby] Well, I guess the next step is obvious.
Bull: Right, we kill him. Then we rip his face off. Then we put it back on upside down.
Harry: You subscribe to "Drawn and Quarterly," don't you?

Court: Any sign of the new judge?
Nostradamus: Not yet. Say, Lana, what's this guy supposed to be like?
Court: I don't know. Our ex-mayor just filled all the vacancies in the court on his last day in office. Nobody knows who was appointed or where they were assigned.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Why is it so cold?
Art: Well Sir, on earth's trip around the sun, the northern hemisphere
[Harry Stands up and puts a computer mouse in Art's mouth, shutting him up]
Art: Art! What I'm asking is, is it possible to take the chill off the air in here?
[Then he removes the mouse from Art's mouth]
Art: [Unfazed] Well, I suppose I could go bang Bertha.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [With a puzzled look] Excuse me.
Art: Bertha, the furnance. You bang her in just the right spot and she puts out some pretty good heat.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [With a mischievous smile] Okay, Art... but be gentle with her, uh?
Art: [Smiling back with understanding at the joke, he nods] A tap and a rap it is Sir.

Buddy: I think a man should work, so he can get up in the morning and look at himself in the mirror and say... 'Are my ears even?'

The: Well his condition has stabilized.
Christine: Oh Good.
The: He's dead.

Woman: [to Dan, behind the line] Hey, man! you know the judge?
Dan: Hey woman! Yes I do.

[Dan and Harry are competing for the attention of Christine's college roommate, Heather]
Bull: The honorable - and sexy! - Judge Harold T. Stone presiding.
Dan: Objection!
Harry: Overruled!

[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
Mr. Fengler: Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Bull: Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
Mr. Fengler: You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Christine: Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
Christine: I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
Mr. Fengler: I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Christine: Oh, you poor thing!
Dan: Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the SHOT GUN he had with him!
Christine: You had a shotgun?
Mr. Fengler: A little one.
Dan: The term is "sawed-off"!

[Dan is mistakenly sent a singing telegram congratulating him on being nominated to be a judge; he loses control and starts throttling the messenger]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, Dan! Murdering this man is not the answer... even though we would all really enjoy watching you do it. Dan... you-must-let-Timmy-live!

Margaret: [after a passionate kiss] Harry I love you so much.
[Grabbing his hand and deperatly pulling him toward the door]
Margaret: Let's go home we need to spend some time together.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Stopping and turning her around] Oh Sweetheart, court is still in session.
[Then smiling]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I suppose I could stall for fifteen minutes. I've always wondered if this couch folds out.

Dan: Listen buddy I don't know who you are. But why don't you take your stuff...
Devil: Oh, I'm known by many names. Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan. Although it says Stu Bloomberg on my license. But enough about me, let's talk about you. And what you could do with one of these?
[Showing a $100 bill]
Dan: [Looking a Hooker] Get four of those. You wanna give me this?
Devil: Well, not exactly give. There is a formality. I need you to sign this, first.
[Show Dan a contract]
Dan: [Reading the Contract] "I, Dan Fielding, for the sum of $100 do hereby pledge my soul to eternal damnation." Sounds good to me.
Devil: [Handing Dan a pen] Here you go.
Dan: [Signing the contract] There you are. Ha ha.
Devil: [Handing Dan the money] See ya later.
[Running off with the contract]
Dan: Uh-huh.

[Fleeing the fire, the Night Court staff enters a building filled with bodies on tables]
Harry: This is... the morgue.
Chief: [looks over and notices them] Sorry, no walk-ins.

Bull: I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd jump on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail through my skull if he asked me to.

Public: [watching a videotape of a couple having public sex in Central Park] They're breaking the law, alright.
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: Of gravity.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Lisette, what does it mean, generally speaking, when a woman who is already in stellar shape decides to go on a diet?
Lisette: Hmm, could mean health. Could mean fitness. Or maybe she plans to let her gorgeous ex-husband see her naked again.

Mac: [Bull Walks in holding his special glasses that have been ruined] Bull, What happened?
Nostradamus: Well, I was wearing my special glasses and I walked into a bus.
Mac: How are you?
Nostradamus: Fine.
Rosalind: How's the bus?
Nostradamus: Totaled.

Bull: Death is just Nature's way of telling you, "Hey, you're not alive anymore."

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Kitty's been aggressively teasing him] No. And nothing will change my mind.
Kitty: Not even these pictures I took in the photo booth in the lobby?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [looks at them, then gasps in shock] My God! How did you get the stool that high?

Ed: So how does a man get lost in the system for 41 hours?
Court: In this case, Borelli was arrested at the 33rd Precinct. Some doofus put him on a bus to the women's jail instead of here.
[cut to Druthers interviewing Borelli]
Ed: You were sent to a women's detention center, de-loused in jail with 300 women. Why didn't you say anything?
Mr. Borelli: [shrugs] Would you?

Dan: [not realizing Bull has already won, Dan rushes onstage to issue the post-hypnotic phrase] Bull! "I want to be your love slave!"
Chuck: Sir! Mr. Shannon just won! And we're on the air live, you pervert!
Dan: [extreme close-up of Dan in a frenzy] Aaauuugghh!

[on Dan's upcoming operation]
Mac: Dan, We know just how much guts this is taking.
Dan: About two and a half feet, from what they tell me.

Christine: He's been such a downer since Granny died.
Bob: [Christine, Harry and Dan all look at each other with looks of who's going to ask] Oh, What the hell, someone's got to ask. How did she die?
Judge Harry T. Stone: She passed away in her sleep.
[Everyone looks at him stunned at this simple answer]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Having come to expect a more elaborate story from this unlucky couple] That's it? She was just sleeping peacefully?
Bob: Yes... .. On the railroad track.
[Everyone reacts with an Ah-ha]
June: The rail company was very sympathtic though. Didn't even charge her for the ride.
Christine: Yes.
[She nods sympathetically]
Christine: Tragedy does bring out the best in people.

Art: Hey, Your Honor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, Art, what's up?
Art: I got a work order here for some graffiti eradication?
Mac: Oh yeah, someone carved some letters into that last bench back there.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Really?
Mac: Yeah, some pretty rough stuff about David and Julie Eisenhower.
Art: [shakes head] Will they ever get any peace?

Judge Harry T. Stone: I know that somewhere, sometime we' are going to see each other again.
Jennifer: [Smiling at him] I feel it too. But!
[Pretending to be upset]
Judge Harry T. Stone: But?
Jennifer: Next time we meet in the ladies lounge, it's a better class of graffiti.
[Smiling, they begin kissing in the stall]
Mavis: [Documents appear over the side of the stall] Sign where I've indicated.
[the two stop kissing and look at the papers]

Mac: [Reading Mel Torme's comment in the Newspaper] He followed that with a confusing remark about Strangling a Judge.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Everyone turns to look at Harry] He just said A Judge, that doesn't necessarily Mean Me.
Buddy: [Responding without contempt or meanness] Don't sell yourself short Son, I'm SURE he meant you.

Morgue: [carting a bodybag through the hospital sees Bull in a clown suit] A little advice. Change your shoes before stepping in front of a bus.
[uncovers a deceased clown]
Bull: You mean?
Morgue: Bobo got a booboo.

Buddy: Harry, I'd really like a chance to explain myself.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Why don't you write me a note, "Dad"? Maybe I'll read it sometime.
[Starts to exit his chambers]
Buddy: [shouting] Alright, young man! You come back in here and shut that door!
[Harry comes back in and shuts the door]
Buddy: [still shouting] Now, you sit your butt back down, and don't give me anymore of your lip!
[Harry sheepishly sits down]
Buddy: Whoa! Where did that come from? Must be from all those years of watching The Brady Bunch in the dayroom.

Lana: Things that are done, it is needless to speak about... things that are past, it is needless to blame.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Confucius?
Lana: Probably. In any case it's the longest message I've ever read in a fortune cookie.

Billie: [Billie rushes in to Harry's office and addresses Landis] Your honor. I don't think its fair that I didn't get to present these facts at the hearing, I have done lots of research and have found presendence after presendence in support of Judge Stone's case. These accusations of impropriaty are totally unfounded and I demand that these charges be dropped immediately.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Agreed!
[Bangs Harry's oversized gavel]
Billie: Oh, good... Was it the evidence or the way I presented it.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Come on, I'll explain it over a couple of Piña Coladas.
[Billie hesitates]
Judge Martin A. Landis: Oh don't worry, I'm a judge not a dirty old man.
[Billie shrugs and leaves]
Judge Martin A. Landis: I lied, I'm both.

Florence: Your Honor, I found a medical book. There's a chapter on emergency childbirth.
Harry: That's great! Make four copies of that and get them to everybody.
Florence: [turns away] I'll get right on it.
Harry: Flo!
Florence: What?
Harry: What's the first thing it says to do?
Florence: [reads] Uh, "keep the mother from panicking."
[while his wife is in labor on the courtroom floor, Stanley lets out a howl of sheer panic, then his eyes roll up and he faints dead away beside her]
Florence: God, let's hope they're all that considerate.

[sticks his head into Dan's room]
Morgue: Is he done yet?

Baliff: How was the hospital?
Rosalind: Peachy. First, I was dragged in there on a stretcher, stripped naked, and strapped into a bed against my will. Since then, I've been poked, prodded, pumped full of drugs, forced fed, and had blood sucked out of me ten times a day with razor-sharp needles.
Baliff: You got to go on a stretcher?

James: [In a headlock] Roz, you're cutting off my circulation!
Rosalind: You're lucky that's all I'm cutting off!

Sascha: You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.
Dan: Oh? What happened to him?
Sascha: He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.
[Dan pretends disinterest, but after a moment, he looks around, then leans over and drops his voice]
Dan: What were you doing?
[She cups a hand to his ear and whispers]
Dan: [shocked] My god, that would generate 48 pounds of pressure per square inch!
Sascha: Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Ronald: I went out of my mind. Suppose on your wedding day you saw your wife in the nude.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I think I'll probably insist on it.

Mr. Hubble: I hate tourists.
Harry: Isn't that a little inconsistent with your job, Mr. Hubble?
Mr. Hubble: I hate my job.
Harry: Got it.
Mr. Hubble: I hate you.
Harry: Well, I saw that coming. That'll be ten days and a five hundred dollar fine.
[bangs gavel]
Mr. Hubble: Have a nice day.

[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together]
Judge Harry T. Stone: That is a desperately sick lie!
Christine: That... is the truth.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, say it ain't so.
Court: It's so.
[Harry cries on his shoulder]

[Dan is assisting a woman in labor]
Benet: Try pulling a Cabbage Patch Doll through your nostrils, see what kind of sound you make!
Dan: That's it, just let it all out.
Benet: Oh, if you don't like it, you can leave! I told you before, I don't need anyone!
Dan: Oh fine, I'll just go get you a mirror and some salad tongs, and you can do this yourself.

Bull: [the staff don't know why a man, a monk, on trial won't talk] Maybe when he was eight some kid dared him to stick his tounge to a frozen flagpole. And it got torn out, leaving only a pulpy, meaty stub.
Roz: You've been taking the toaster into the tub again, haven't you?

Sheila: I have a new position.
Dan: Does it involve a loss of consciousness?

[Christine gingerly makes her way toward the courtroom]
Tim: Halt! No one enters the courtroom without being frisked!
Christine: [whispering] For your information, I happen to have an incredible hangover. So I'd really appreciate you're not...
[grabs his boutonniere microphone and yells into it]
Christine: SCREAMING IN MY EAR!
[Tim and all the other agents stagger, clutching their earwigs in pain]
Tim: Okay, that's it! Code Beige, Code Beige! Frisk her!
Christine: Oh, no you don't-!
[Two agents lift her by the arms and carry her down the hallway]
Christine: Oh, no! Get your mitts off me!
[at Tim]
Christine: YOU ARE DEAD MEAT, BUD!
Tim: [sighs] God, I love this job.

Baliff: [Because his fingers are glued to his head, Bull can't eat. When Harry breaks a cracker trying to feed him, Bull says] You blitzed my Ritz! Cracked my snack! Put a dento in my pimento!

Court: [the motor of one of the sex toys is running] How do you turn it off?
Dan: I don't know. I usually just fall asleep and let the batteries run down.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [as "God" is led out of the courtroom] Your Honor, pending the psychiatric evaluation, the State will move that the defendant be...
[a rock crashes through the window, making several women scream]
God: [running back in] The day of destruction is here! Rise up! Rise up, and flee!
Judge Harry T. Stone: All right, sit down! Sit down, don't flee.

[after becoming trustee of The Phil Foundation, Dan is bombarded with letters and telegrams asking for donations]
Dan: You wouldn't believe how many needy people there are in the world. Did you realize that all those people huddled in blankets on the streets are actually homeless?
Rosalind: [a little shocked] Well, of course we did, Dan! What did you think they were?
Dan: I thought they were Indians!

Christine: Objection!
Harry: Overruled.
Jack: BOOOOOOOOO!

Public: [after wrestling him back into his hospital bed because he's afraid of the hospital] I don't want you out of my life yet. You just got here.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Billie, what you seem to be saying is...
Kenny: [from behind his curtain] She wants to jump your bones, Harry!
[he raises the curtain and is surprised at their position]
Kenny: By golly, I called that one, didn't I?

Dan: Let's face it, Harry. I'm all washed up.
Harry: Come on, Dan, so you...
Dan: Say it.
Harry: You...
Dan: Come on, man, say it!
Harry: You had a little trouble launching the ol' Love Boat.
Dan: We are talking stuck in drydock, Harry!

Harry T. Stone: Bull, you look depressed.
Bull: I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.
Harry T. Stone: What word is that?
Bull: "Pentimento."
Harry T. Stone: [after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?
Billie: Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?
Bull: It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.
Dan: You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?
Bull: Good example!

Judge: The truth? This is a court of laaaaw Judge Stone. This is not a place for truth. This is a place for liiies. Everybody who comes here lies. The plaintiffs lie; the defendants lie; the lawyers lie; the cops lie; EVERYBODY lies. And you expect me to shift through all this and extract the TRUTH from all that rubble? That's what we call "justice". Well, there is no justice, there never WAS, there never will be.

[Bull was hit by lightning]
Doctor: It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.
Bull: No, that feels different.

[claiming to have fixed the computer's problems]
Mac: I just took all that air traffic control stuff and just wiped it right off the screen.
[a roar of engines, and landing gear can be seen passing by the window of Harry's chambers. Dan leaps to the window's ledge and looks]
Dan: [to the others] You should see the looks on their faces!

Christine: Oh, uh, by the way, sir, I'll be starting my childbirth class and I've decided to go with a coach after all.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Really?
Christine: Mm-hm. So, Mac and I may be a little late for work tomorrow.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac is your coach? Oh, well, he's certainly... a choice.
Dan: Wait a minute. Didn't he faint during Quan Li's delivery?
Mac: I didn't faint, I had appendicitis.
Nostradamus: That's true, he did.
Mac: Well, thank you, Bull.
Nostradamus: Triggered no doubt by panic and hysterical fear.
Mac: I was not afraid! You're looking at a man who served in Vietnam, who went through Marine basic, who's eaten Quan Li's frog gumbo!

Christine: [Christine's upset that Dan's hanging out at her apartment as Jack's friend] I suspect he's been poking through my dresser drawers.
Dan: That is an unsubstantiated assault upon my good name.
[to Harry]
Dan: The woman uses a bra tree.
Harry: Is it wood or that new space-age plastic?
Christine: Stop it! I will not have my underwear dragged through the gutter!
Dan: Too late.
Court: You know, I hate to disturb this stroll down mammary lane, but our defendants are guaranteed a speedy trial.

Baliff: Thanks, Harry.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Hey, that's what buddies do.
Baliff: So, that means you'll always be there for me?
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: You bet. Always.
[Bull holds up his hands, both of which are encased in plaster casts]
Baliff: I have to go to the bathroom, Harry.

Rosalind: [Bull leaves the two alone on the roof] He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.
James: 'Cause you might let me go?
Rosalind: Because I might throw you off the roof!

Phil: This food looks... what's the word I'm looking for?
Bull: Edible?
Phil: ...no...

Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan Fielding, you're decent. Admit it!
Dan: I will not Admit it!

Harry: You robbed an international house of pancakes? How waffle!

Dan: Last call.
Counselor: You are the most dispicable form of life I've ever met. You personify everything vile and ugly about men.
Dan: I understand. You need more time.
Counselor: Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Do you have any idea what the act of love is all about? You've reduced it to it's primitive form, made it in to some animalistic ritual totally devoid of any respect, humanity or commitment.
Dan: So what do you say?
Counselor: Okay.
Dan: [They both leave the court room. Long pause, and then Dan walks back in] Just kidding... Just kidding.

Bull: [approaches the cafeteria table where everyone is sitting. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt] Hi, guys.
Harry: Bull?
Bull: Oh, don't worry, Your Honor. I'm just having one of those dreams where you show up to work in your underwear.
Harry: Bull, this isn't a dream.
Bull: It's not?
[everyone shakes their heads]
Bull: Yikes!
[Bull runs out]

Dr. Flick: [after Dan has returned to the hospital for the second time] You know you have a Very Stupid Friend here?
Mac: Oh, Yes!
Dan: [Annoyed again] Thank You.

Dan: You can have your principles AND get lucky!

Court: [ducking balls of wadded-up paper] Look, Quon Le, if you really want to hurt me, you've gotta throw something heavier!
Quon: Oh, I will! I'm just perfecting my aim!

Dan: Well, there are lots of things about my life that I haven't told you.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Very dry] Yes and believe me we're grateful.

Dan: [on his talk show] How much bigger can those puppies get?
Public: It's none of your business how much bigger my puppies get!

[after Jeremy returns the school records]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Though there is still the matter of that illegal break-in, Mr. Porcaro...
Anthony: Oh, forget about it. He's learned his lesson. I know I have.
[He smiles at Bull and runs a hand over his bald head. Bull smiles back]

Judge Harry T. Stone: How do they expect a guy to find a date on that short of a notice?
[Scoffs]
Judge Harry T. Stone: What were they thinking?
Dan: [Dan grabs the two tickets and holds them up] Tickets!
Woman: Where?
Dan: Cruise.
Woman: When?
Dan: Saturday.
Woman: Time?
Dan: Eight.
Woman: Pier?
Dan: Sixteen.
Woman: Okay.

Wheeler: I lost my dog. We had to dig her collar out of a tree.
[Hands dog collar to Christine Sullivan]
June: She was Carol Ann's only friend.
Christine: [Reads the tags on the collar] "Toto"?
Bob: God knows what happened to the puppies.

Harry: [an elderly defendant is on trial for prostitution. Several elderly men in wheelchairs cheer for her] Mr. Reynolds, were all these men this happy before they met Mrs. Smith?
Mr. Reynolds: No. But they could all walk.

Quon: Goodbye Mac! I'm going home to mother!
Court: Quon Le your mother's dead!
Quon: Picky! Picky!

Bailiff: [Enters Harry's chambers and sees Harry and Bull hugging] In case you're interested, the music has stopped.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [Releases Bull] What can I do for you?
Bailiff: I'm here for the job.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What job is that?
Bailiff: What is this, a wet suit?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Oh, well we interviewed for bailiffs last week.
Bailiff: I'm late. Now, now do I get the job or what?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Well, there are certain things that we do, such as checking references.
Bailiff: I don't have any.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Well that streamlines things. How about experience?
Bailiff: I'm a bailiff.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: For how long?
Bailiff: A hundred and six years.
[Bull walks over to her]
Bailiff: What's with the hair?
[Referring to Bull's bald head]
Baliff: [Bull looks at Harry] I know he looks funny but don't say anything about it.
Bailiff: You... are a weird man.
Baliff: [Chuckles, then turns to Harry] Can I keep her Harry?
Bailiff: Why do I suddenly feel like a hamster?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It's a long story.
Bailiff: I don't want to hear it.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You're hired.
[Bull snorts with joy]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Bull, do you want to show her around?
Baliff: Come on. I'll go show you where we stand eight hours a night.
Bailiff: I quit.
Baliff: You can lean on me if you want.
Bailiff: Well, how about if I just hang a swing on your arm?
Baliff: All right.
[Leaves]
Bailiff: [to Harry] I'll be needing a raise.

Dan: [while discussing Art vs. The Roaches] It's only natural to root for the higher life form.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Sadly] Bull, take him to holding.
Nostradamus: [looking at Mr. Billachi dressed as Santa] Gee, I just don't feel right taking Santa to jail.
Rosalind: Well, at least he'll be in good company. We already locked up two christmas elves and flasher in a pair tree.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Hello! Who are you?
Kimberley: Kimberley. Kimberley Daniels. My friends call me Kim.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [shaking hands] Harry, Harry Stone. My friends call me Shecky. I gotta get new friends.

Mac: I cannot believe this is Harry's last day on the job. It won't be the same without him. No more whoopee-cushions in the jury box...
Baliff: No more courtroom hoot n' nannying...
Roz: No more Jane Pauley look-alike contests... I never did get my trophy.

Judge Harry T. Stone: The Most Amazing thing has happened. You're never going to believe this.
Rosalind: Probably Not, But you're going to tell us anyway.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm out on a date last night and who do I run into but Doug Williams, of Williams, Ketcum and Stern. He says his firm Really likes my style and he's prepared to offer me a Full Partnership! Is that not the most Amazing thing you've ever heard?
Mac: [Stunned] I Can't Believe It... You had a Date!

[Christine, Harry, and Bull storm into Thursby's office]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thursby, you're scum!
Arthur: [into phone] You'll have to excuse me, Monsignor. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly just dropped by.

Irene: Harry, I can't help feeling that my life would have been different if only I had met you twenty years ago.
Harry: I know mine would have. I was fourteen.

Judge: Am I... am I sick, Harry?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Maybe a little. But mostly, I'd say you're really, really tired.
Judge: [laughing softly] Oh-ho, tired, my God... oh, I could sleep for a million years. If the bed they strap me down to is comfortable, I probably will.

Dan: Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles."
[pause]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Dan: [explaining a diagram to a woman] Now, my little mountain drop, no matter how much you sweat, hold on to the handlebars.

Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: If I had a dime for every woman...
Assistant: You could make a phone call.

Judge Harry T. Stone: I cannot believe this article on tax shelters. It say the IRS will let you invest in anything from race horses to windmills to bull semen.
[Everyone at the table looks at Bull]
Nostradamus: [Bull looks at Flo] I gave blood that's as far as it goes.

Christine: Guess who's concert I have tickets to Saturday night?
Nostradamus: Oh, boy! Charades! How many syllables?
Christine: Eddie Devon.
Nostradamus: You're not very good at this.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Discussing Dan's new girlfriend] Wow, She's Nice.
Christine: She's Smart!
Lisette: [Giggling] She's Sweet.
Mac: [Shaking his head] She is NOT his type.

Dan: Oh, counselor, counselor. I wanted to make sure you didn't misunderstand my intentions last night.
Counselor: You wanted cheap, casual sex.
Dan: Good, you didn't misunderstand.

Hector: [while holding Florence "hostage" with a grenade] If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...
Florence: Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?
Hector: [helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...
Florence: Right...
[leans back, remembering]
Florence: The smell of damp khaki filled the air...
[Hector buries his head]

Roosevelt: [to Christine] Hey, how'd you like me to charge up your San Juan Hill?
[laughs]
Christine: Look, I may have to defend you, but I don't have to put up with your sleazy remarks.
Roosevelt: Ooh, a filly with spirit! Looks like you need a Rough Rider!
[laughs]
Christine: Watch it. I speak softly but I carry a big knee.

Dan: I Cannot Die, I Don't Look Good in a Coffin... . Trust Me, I know!
[Harry gives him a bewildered look]

Christine: [after her first contraction in the cafeteria] Buddy, could you help me to the elevator? I may be further along than I thought.
Buddy: How can you tell?
[she holds up a mangled fork]
Buddy: Right.

McCracken: [after Buddy has given him Nick's Christmas gift] What do you do? Go around, just giving gifts to complete strangers?
Buddy: We're funny that way.

Dan: [sung to God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman] God rest ye merry divorcees and widows far and wide; Your Christmas luck is going to change cause Danny's by your side. We'll kiss and
[He stops because he hears a noise in the empty courtroom]
Dan: .

Christine: Your Honor, I'm worried about Dan.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Not looking up from a bunch of paperwork on his desk] Well, just don't make eye-contact or show fear and he'll leave you alone.

Dan: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Alice: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!
Christine: Dan, what happened?
Dan: They rejected me.
Alice: Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine: They rejected you? Why?
Alice: His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Nostradamus: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
[runs out of the courtroom]
Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Alice: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Harry: Which are?
Alice: Sixty million per cc.
Dan: I demand a recount!
Alice: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
Dan: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
Alice: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Harry: From sex?
Christine: Dan?
Court: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Christine: Dan, you are the Sultan of Swill.

Dan: Harry, do you know how many women I have slept with?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, it doesn't matter how many women you've slept with!
[pause]
Judge Harry T. Stone: A hundred?
Dan: You ever see the signs over the golden arches that say, "over 4 billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive.

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?
Dan: Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.
Judge Harry T. Stone: He took you to the cleaners, huh?
Dan: [slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.
Judge Harry T. Stone: How bad was it?
[Dan hands him King's check]
Judge Harry T. Stone: $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?
[Dan writes a figure on a piece of paper and passes it to Harry. Harry compares the two]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this...
[he stops, and compares the two papers again]
Judge Harry T. Stone: ...No. *Don't* look back on this.

Dr. Glass: The sooner we pull it out, the better.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Pull what out?
Dr. Glass: [shining a light through the x-ray] There it is, right there.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Tumor?
Bailiff: Ulcer?
Baliff: Whistle?
Dr. Glass: [points to Bull] We have a winner.
Public: It's a whistle?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's where it is. I must have swallowed it.
Dr. Glass: That would be my guess, yes.

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Bull, Bull, Bull, Bull, Bull. What the heck have you been sketching, you big ol' post-impressionist lug, ya?
Baliff: It's the cover illustration for the book I've written.
Mac: [laughs out loud] The man wrote a book?
[Looks up and sees Bull glaring down at him]
Mac: Hell of an idea.
Baliff: Manhattan City College is having a children's book contest. All the entries are going to be judged by school kids.
Christine: How old are these kids, Bull?
Baliff: Oh, eight, nine. Somehow, the idea writing for tiny undeveloped minds seems RIGHT for me.

Carla B.: [Wrapped in Harry's judges robe, she says sincerely] Judge Stone, Thanks for the dignity.

[on trial are a group of beauty contestants who attacked their sneaky pageant coordinator]
Dan: Your Honor, according to witnesses, Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Dan: Who are you? Why're you doing this?
Ernie: You don't remember who I am, do you?
Dan: Yes! Of course I do! Roger... Steve! Bob! Bill! Joe! Rudy!
Ernie: Forget it, Fielding. You're going to go back in that courtroom and continue about your work. If you tell anyone about this bomb, then I push this button and you turn into Bake-O Bits. Got it?

Judge: Anything else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. I would like to thank each of my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.
Rosalind: Beats sitting here listening to Harry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson, and Mr. Wood, for teaching me a very important lesson. You see, all my life I wanted to be rich and important, like you. Even as a kid back in Louisiana, I would wear a tie while slopping hogs, pretending they were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All those years ago, and then suddenly, I had the chance to become one of you! To my own surprise, I said no. Because I realized that, you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even better than the pigs.

[the courthouse has been overrun by Jennifer Black's fans. One of them walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Male.
Public: Female.
[At the fork, the fan shrugs and walks into the men's room. Liz hands Selma some cash]

Bull: [leading the two 'gods' from the courtroom. In a low voice] Going my way?
[he laughs]
God No. 2: [to God No. 1] And I thought I screwed up when I made the platypus.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks a lot for being patient with me tonight; I am new here, you know.
Court: Yeah, we noticed.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, my name was at the bottom of that list of prospective judges because I haven't had much experience really. But, every candidate does go through a thorough screening process, and whatever anybody thinks of that list, I *was* on it.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Mr. Sleighbough, when did you first discover you had this talent to become invisible?
Eugene: Well, it came on sort of gradually. See, at first, I was just boring. But then, I became inconspicuous.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh.
Eugene: Yeah, you know, like I'd be waiting in a doctor's office, or restaurant, or a barber shop, you know, whatever? And finally they'd say, "oh, I didn't see you there!" That's when it first began to take hold.
Judge Harry T. Stone: And now?
Eugene: I'm fully invisible! Yeah, I can be standing on the corner, yelling and waving my arms, cabbies are going right by and never even notice me!
Judge Harry T. Stone: In New York City, imagine that.

Christine: Dan, there's a woman here who would like to meet you.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Never laid a finger on her, I wasn't even there.
Christine: Dan Fielding, meet Joan Hobson.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What?
[gets up and notices her]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hi... you're not nearly as repulsive-looking as you seem on your campaign posters.
Joan: You know, it's funny you should say that, Dan. Because in person, your hair doesn't look that much like attic insulation.

Mac: So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...
Dan: [in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah, the legend lives.

Jack: You know that your mother and I dated for a long time. I wanted like hell to propose to her, but I was always broke, and... well, anyway, one day we're at Coney Island. I had eight hot dogs, six candy apples, and a pound of cotton candy - I threw up three times.
Christine: In other words, you had a great time.
Jack: The best!

Rosalind: [Roz and Bull enter the Harry's office with news. His and Buddy's hands are raised] Sir, you'll never guess who the killers are!
Harry: [Points behind the baliffs] The old couple.
Baliff: [When Bull and Roz turn to see the hitmen, Bull turns back to Harry] Hey, that's cheating!

Harry: [defendants are on trial for book burning] I feel it's my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremists like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me!
Court: [reads the title of a salvaged book] "The Genius of Barry Manilow."
Harry: [bangs gavel] One dollar!

Leslie: It was great to have somebody around that I could be nuts with. I could never do that with a lover.
Harry: No. Lovers come and go, but a good friend is forever.
Leslie: Kiss me!
Harry: You bet!
[Embrassing in a kiss ending on an a sigh]
Harry: When did you have your tonsils out?
[They smile at each other, but before they can kiss again Harry stops]
Harry: Hold on a second I mean we haven't seen eachother in years. I don't know where you've been, what you've been doing?
Leslie: Here's my resume.
[Handing him a folded piece of paper from her pocket]
Harry: Good enough for me.
[He takes it, throwing it over his shoulder and kissing her again]

Christine: Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

[while Bull is delivering Stanley's baby]
Bull: Flo, quick! I need something to wrap him in!
Florence: Here, use this.
Stanley: The New York Times?
Florence: The book says a clean newspaper is very sanitary.
Stanley: Well... okay, but use the sports section.
Florence: You already bought him a mitt, didn't you?
[Stanley sheepishly looks at a thimble-sized baseball mitt on the end of his finger]

Will: [reading his latest assignment from Dan] Edward Lotz, aka Crazy Eddie, aka "Eddie the Machete", aka..."Edward Scissor-Glands"?
Christine: Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white collar.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Don't be silly. He's only wanted for...
[reads]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: performing plastic surgery without a license.
Christine: [reading] And without anesthesia... and without permission!

Stanley's: Do you love her, Stanley?
Stanley: Well, that's a stupid question. Of course I love her. She's Daddy's little girl. Hey! Let's call her Hacksaw!

Alice: Interested in becoming a donor?
Dan: No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."
Alice: Are you sure?
Dan: Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?
Alice: For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.
Dan: [Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.
Alice: Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Christine: Where's Judge Stone?
Leslie: He's, uh... out on the ledge.
Christine: Oh, please. You expect me to believe a municipal court judge is cowering out on a ledge?
Court: [gleefully] That's what he's doing, all right!
[out the window]
Court: Good evening, sir!
Harry: Hi there, Mac. I suppose you're wondering why I'm naked out here on the ledge.
Court: Oh, no sir, no sir. I was wondering if I needed a flash.
[he raises a camera and snaps a shot]
Mario: [who's been fixing Harry's suit of armor] Judge, I got your codpiece ready... whoa, just in time!
Court: [offering the codpiece] Sir, you want to put on something more comfortable? Ha ha ha...
Harry: You don't really have to enjoy this so much.
Court: Oh, yes I do, sir!

Judge Harry T. Stone: What's next, Mac?
Mac: Anita Fries and Arnold Burger.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Call them, Bull.
Nostradamus: Burger and Fries, please.

Bull: Mr. Thursby, I'm sorry I thought about ripping your face off.
Arthur: Me too.

Morgue: [rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take D. Fielding to the morgue.
[Everyone tells him there must be some mistake]
Public: He's just here for a minor operation.
Morgue: [smiles] I'll check back later.
Dan: Yeah, over my dead body.
Morgue: It's a date!
Dan: Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Bull enters the cafeteria wearing a shrunken Santa suit with his stomach exposed] Bull, isn't that suit a tad on the small side for you?
Bull: It's the only one they had left. For some reason they had a big rush on Santa suits.
Dan: No! On Christmas Eve?

[Ernie throws Dan to the floor and steps on his neck]
Ernie: All right, Fielding! You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs!
Dan: [choked] I got no problem with that.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Roz, have you ever helped a guy move?
Rosalind: I've moved a few guys to tears.

Christine: Dan, I can't sleep with you!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I understand. There's no reason you should feel obligated.
Christine: There isn't?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but... grab you from the jaws of death, moments before an agonizing demise?

Roz: [Quon Le's in labour and ripped both of Roz's sleeves off] In about two minutes, I'm going to be completely naked.

Dan: Look, if Rhoda can fall in love with you, *despite* the fact that you're hideous and annoying, what could possibly change her mind?
Bull: Gee, I never looked at it like that.
Dan: See? We're always the last to see our own merits.
[shudders]
Dan: My God, I sound like Harry.

Rosalind: [Sees James for the first time] I'm only gonna say this once. The wine is in the refrigerator, the address is on the keys.

Arthur: [after realizing he has been caught] Okay... okay. What do you want?
Christine: I am going to file formal charges, and we are going to get you out of this office, out of this job, and out of this profession. You can count on it.
Arthur: Hey... no female talks to me like that. I'll go where I want to go, when I'm *damn* good and ready!
[Behind him, his office door falls into the room, torn clean off its hinges. Standing there is Bull, who folds his arms]
Arthur: I'm ready now.

Court: James is a liar! He's not on parole, he escaped!

Papa: Everybody calls me 'Papa Jack.'
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Why?
Papa: Why?
[laughs like it's a ridiculous question, but abruptly stops to wonder]
Papa: I don't know why.

Chad: [explaining to Harry why Babs is 'enraged' while she's in labor] They told us in class, under this kind of stress a woman can say totally outrageous things. Things totally alien to her character.
Babs: I hate my Volvo! I want a *Trans Am*!
Chad: Gee, it still doesn't prepare you for the shock, though.

Nicole: Hey Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?
Dan: What's the big deal, you stick tab A into slot B, who can't do that?
Mandy: You'd be surprise.

Christine: Yes Leon, you've met your match. This man
[indicating Harry]
Christine: has the brain of a twelve year old.

Roz: [on the courthouse rooftop] What's that behind your back, Dan?
[he's hiding an insulin syringe that he needs to inject into Roz's butt]
Dan: [looks behind himself] New Jersey.

Christine: Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...
Judge: Oh right. Hang him.
Christine: He stole an Eskimo pie, sir.

[a mother is taken to court for assaulting a children's novelist because her son broke his arm imitating a character the novelist created]
Dr. Wiggle: Oh please, I never meant the boy any harm. / It was purely his folly that broke his arm. / The Snurt is a snoozle and not real at all. / You can't blame a snoozle for causing his fall.
Christine: But sir, the boy only climbed in the tree / because of a drawing on page thirty-three.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your honour, she hit the poor man with her shoe.
Dr. Wiggle: You can see the spots clearly. Bump one and bump two.
Christine: I object.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You object?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Overruled!
Mac: This is stupid.
Nostradamus: On Donner, on Blitzen, on Comet and Cupid!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well I'm fining you fifty and that should be it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Now get outta here you dumb little shi...
Judge Harry T. Stone: DAN!

Bert: [Discussing the location of Dans' transmission] That's incase he gets frisked. Criminals don't like to check there.
Harry: [Under his breadth] Doctors don't like to check there.

Dan: [enters Harry's office and sees Buddy] Harry I - oh, I'm sorry. You're busy massaging a man in a cheap suit.

Dan: ,,, and Hit him in the face with a banana cream pie.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Confused] That's a deadly weapon?
Paul: I could have sworn it had thawd.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah!

Harry: Why didn't she just come to me instead of setting me up like that?
Roz: Maybe she was so distraught she didn't realize she was hurting you in the process.
Harry: Yeah, maybe.
Roz: Or...
Harry: Or?
Roz: Your animal magnetism has been driving her insane for years. And in the presence of the beast, her libido exploded in a frezy of desire few of us will ever experience even once in our lifetimes.
Harry: You got a big raise coming.

Officer: I haven't been on the force for very long. In fact a week from today it'll be...
[checks watch]
Officer: a week.

Christine: [about Roz's pen pal] How'd you two meet?
Rosalind: Well, Alex had my apartment before me, but after he moved to California, his mail kept coming. So I wrote him a letter, telling him that if he didn't do something about it, the next letter he got from me would explode in his face.
Dan: How charming.
Rosalind: I guess I did charm him, 'cause next thing I knew he started writing to me.
Christine: Wow, what a great story.
Nostradamus: I had a pen pal once, but we had to stop writing.
Judge Harry T. Stone: How come?
Nostradamus: He couldn't find the time once he became Vice President.

Dan: Are we feeling a weensy-bitsy bitchy today?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sir, if anything should happen to you...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I'll see you get my parking space.

Judge: See, I tried to it... ALL... right. I tried to right ALL wrongs; reverse ALL of the injustices. I... I... I guess I was wrong, it's impossible.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Even a fool knows we can't reach out and touch the stars but that does not stop the wise man from trying.
Judge: I like that... Who said that?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You did. It was in a speech to the bar association.

[spoiler]
Harry: [re: Mrs. Rothman's husband] He shot himself, didn't he?
Mrs. Rothman: Arnold would never do that. Never! He was not a weak man. I don't want any of you thinking he was a weak man!
Harry: He was in a lot of pain, wasn't he?
Mrs. Rothman: ...Yes. He was in a lot of pain.
Court: But we all have our limits, Mrs. Rothman, and my grandfather used to tell me that beyond a man's limit... is a place that God just doesn't want us to be alone in.

Dan: You hate me. You all hate me. Everybody hates me! For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Harry: And, uh, Dan?
[behind Harry, Dan stops, arrested in the act of ducking out of the courtroom]
Harry: If you are entertaining any thoughts about sneaking out, Bull has prepared a demonstration which I think will enlighten you.
[Roz places a bowling ball into Bull's hand. He slams his other hand down on it, crushing it to powder]
Dan: Your squish is my command.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That Wilson guy... he's gay.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: And?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And...
[he starts to laugh]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And, he thought I was.
Art: Are you?

[Dan is stranded in the Arctic]
Dan: How do you people stay in touch with the outside world?
Kumok: By snow plane.
Dan: Well, that's great. When does it get here?
Kumok: In morning.
Dan: Fantastic. When's morning?
Kumok: Next April, sharp.
Dan: April? You mean, I get to spend the next six months with the "Slush Family Robinson" here?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Learning that three men have escaped Harry calms the victim] Come on sir, it's not going to do any good to get emotional.
[Turning to Roz]
Judge Harry T. Stone: How did they get loose?
Rosalind: [She holds out a frame] They used the glass from your Mel Torme picture.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry looks at the broken and ripped picture. Then standing up he shouts] Bring Me Their HEADS!

Phil: [Bursts into Dan's room] Dan! I...
Dan: Oh, Phil, spit it out.
Phil: [Kneels bedside Dan's bed] Dan, uh...
[starts sobbing on Dan's arm]
Dan: I didn't mean that literally.
Phil: I'm so happy that you're okay.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, you owe quite a debt to Phil.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You needed a transfusion and none of us matched your type, so...
Dan: Oh, no!
Phil: I'm coursing through your veins even as we speak, Dan.
Dan: Oh, my God!
Phil: It's beautiful, isn't it? I am you. You are me.
Dan: Yeah, now we both got hookworm! I want you and your green, furry teeth outta here!
Phil: [Turns to Harry] He's gonna be just fine.
[leaves the room]
Dan: Ah, I can feel the Sterno pumping through my veins.

Joy: Hey, I'd love to stay and schmooze, but I can tell you two civic giants want to be alone. Maybe you can rub your skulls together and come up with a thought or something. Later.
[she exits]
Cooper: You know, it's a shame we don't burn people at the stake anymore.

Judge Harry T. Stone: By the way, folks. I don't know why it makes any difference to anyone, it sure shouldn't, but for the record I'm 34 years old.
Dan: The pool.
Public: Oh, the pool.
Bailiff: I had...
Dan: [Checking the pool sheet] HTS. Who's HTS.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Call it a hunch.

Christine: [drunk] Buddy! Harry! I've gotta go! I've gotta stop him!
[She rushes to the door, and crashes into it]
Buddy: I used to do that a lot. But I'm feeling much better now!

Sister: I Love your eyes too.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks, they were a set.

Dan: Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!
Roz: What's wrong, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?
Dan: No. It just so happens that the assistant D.A.'s have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.
Christine: By total volume, or percentage?
Dan: Raw tonnage.
Christine: What?
Dan: Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins two thousand dollars.
Mac: Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Dan: [Walking over to Harry, after Harry has discussed his idyllic idea, and putting his arm around him in a pitying manner] You know Harry if you weren't born, Walt Disney would have had to draw you.
[Harry smiles in an agreeing way]

Baliff: [after a dog case] You think it's okay if I give him a bone?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well, if you're sure you're done with it.

Public: Sir, would you please tell him that I am not a pervert?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [starts to speak, but turns back] How exactly are we defining pervert?
Public: Sir!
Morgue: Look, folks, "pervert", "prude", it's not my job to label people. Wait a minute...
[holds up toe-tag]
Morgue: I guess it is!

Pops: Now in the 30's we had strippers at the Valasco.
[Dan who had been leaving, jumps back to see the pictures]
Pops: Tina and her doves. Boy it's a magical sight to see five doves remove a brassier.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well that bird in the front sure looks Happy.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Tatiana... repeat after me. Thank you, Nani Darnell.

[Bull is sitting alone in the dark courtroom]
Derelict: 'Scuse me? I'm looking for the guy who's giving away all his money.
Bull: He's not here. Besides, the money's all gone.
Derelict: Oh... that's too bad. I was kind of counting on him.
[starts to leave]
Bull: What do you need money for?
Derelict: Oh, my son's coming home from the service. I'd like to get home to see him, but it's in South Carolina. I don't have bus fare.
[Bull stands and gives him a hundred dollars - his last hundred dollars]
Bull: Here.
Derelict: You're the guy!
[Bull nods]
Derelict: Gee, I don't know what to say... God bless you.
Bull: I won't hold my breath.

Mrs. Smith: [about her prostitution] Sometimes I do it for pudding.
Dan: Sometimes I do it *in* pudding.
Mrs. Smith: Sometimes I do it for green stamps. And sometimes I do it just for kicks.
Bull: [to Roz] Can you imagine degrading yourself for green stamps?
Roz: Sure. By now I would have enough for that sail boat.

Dan: Sometimes Tough Breaks turn out to be Lucky Breaks and what starts out as the Worst Day of your life can turn out to be the Best Day in your life.

[Dan heads for the elevator, where another man is already waiting. The doors open, and the man steps on, turning around - it's Wilson]
Warren: Going my way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [stepping on] I'm ROTC combat-trained.
Warren: Special Forces, Advanced Infantry - Airborne.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You took for character witnesses, people who don't even know me!
Judge: They were all women you'd slept with.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That doesn't mean we would have actually spoken!

Nesbitt: [expressing his demand to Harry about the U.S. Constitution he was threatening to burn] Everyone in America is a child of this Constitution and that makes us a family. I just want us to treat each other that way.
Moody: [disgusted] That's sick.

[after the staff reads Dan's death threat, a bum walks into Harry's office, reaching into his coat]
Tony: I'm looking for Fielding...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!
[He dives behind Harry's couch while Christine sprays the bum in the eyes]
Christine: Eat mace, bozo!
Tony: Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop!
[shows his badge]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.
Tony: [still blinking off the mace] Charmed.
Christine: Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.
Tony: I'm undercover, I put it there!

Rosalind: [about the Montez brothers who have taken Dan hostage] I can pick them off clean from here, sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Without hitting Dan?
Rosalind: Oh, well, if you're gonna tie my hand!

Christine: [Dan disguised as a nun walks past Christine] Sister?
[Dan crouches to the floor]
Christine: Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Speaks in a high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.
[They sit on a bench seat]
Christine: Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.
Christine: Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.
Christine: I don't know where to start.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Were you naked?
Christine: No! No. We just kissed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?
Christine: [Perplexed at the question, looks toward Dan] What?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine continues looking] Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?
Christine: [Pulls back one side of the black veil] Dan! Dan Fielding, you big pervert!
[starts whaling on Dan and walks away]

Mac: [enters Harry's office] Pin's out.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What happened?
Mac: He tried to interrupt Florence.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [rushing out] Oh, the *fool*! The mad fool!

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Smiling widely as a group of bathing beauties file into the courtroom] You know sometimes this is a great job.

Harry: Buddy, what I still don't understand is, why did you take so long to tell me this?
Buddy: By the time I got out of the hospital, your mom was already married.
Harry: To Harry, Sr.
Buddy: Yeah, he seemed like a pretty good guy.
Harry: Yeah, he was.
Buddy: Sure, and as far as you knew, he was your dad. So, we figured it would be better if we waited until you were older before we told you. And then I had that little set-back with the Cheese Whiz... but I'm feeling much better now.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [trying to resolve the hostage situation in the courtroom from the hallway] Okay, there's no time to spare. Mac, you call...
Court: [way ahead of Harry] Call the SWAT team and see if VHK-937 is a known alias.
[he leaves]
Judge Harry T. Stone: And Roz, you check the local...
Rosalind: [way ahead of Harry] Check the local mental hospitals and see if they're missing any patients with a laser gun.
[she leaves]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [alone, so basically to no one] ... Don't just stand there, guys. Get moving.

[while listening to a Walkman, Bull calls the court into session]
Baliff: All rise - defying the gravitational pull of the earth. Manhattan Criminal Court, Part Two, is now moving from an inert state to an in-session state. The Honorable energy mass Harold T. Stone, presiding in space and time.

Harry: [Sherman has just returned the Constitution back to the judge] Mr. Sherman, I can't condone your actions. But you have given us something to think about. Maybe even something to read.
Nesbitt: Take good care of it, judge. It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

Harry: Art you mean to tell us that was you making those noises inside those pipes this whole time?
Art: What are you kidding me? I was practically rapping Babalooie on these babies.

Mac: Great! Now we're trapped in the dark in a burning building, surrounded by dead bodies!
Hooker: I got a client from Jersey who'd pay big bucks for this.

Mac: [claps Dan on the back] Fielding!
Dan: [jumps] Your wife's lying, I don't even own a saddle!

Harry: [after finding out Buddy's his biological father] All right, Buddy, whatever you have to say, go ahead and lay it out. Nothing that you can say could possibly faze me now!
Buddy: You were born in a *mental institution*!
Harry: ...I stand corrected.

Christine: Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
Dan: Hold it a sec.

[the gang leaves Bull's apartment, but he walks out after them]
Baliff: Hey, wait a minute!
Public: Your head, watch out, you-!
[She falls silent as the top of the doorjam turns out to be a doggie door, that swings open to let his head pass under it]
Baliff: Listen, I just wanted to thank you all for being concerned about me. I really appreciate it.
Public: Well...
Baliff: Goodnight.
[He goes back in, the doggie door swinging again]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That is pretty clever.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Let's go get some coffee. I got to tell you about his toilet seat.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ow!
[everyone looks at him]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I'm fine, it's okay, never mind. I must have just pulled my back out when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.

Harry: They confessed their guilt, they told no lies. But oh how they could harmonize.
[about a barbershop quartet]

Harry: [On Dan being late for work] He'd better have one *whopper* of an excuse!
Dan: [approaches the table in military uniform and salutes Harry] Captain Dan Fielding reporting for duty, *sir!*
Harry: What can I say, the guy's good.

Mac: Sir! I took this around to everyone on the floor
Judge Harry T. Stone: What is it?
Mac: A card wishing Dan a prompt and painless recovery.
Judge Harry T. Stone: There's no signatures on it.
Mac: Like I said, a *card wishing *Dan a prompt and painless recovery.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Boy Roz is really going through a rough time.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Scoffing] I go through rough times! I don't go around spreading food all over people.
[Harry give him an incredulous look]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Unless they ask.

Nostradamus: "Slowly". What a romantic adverb.

Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Hey, so what did you draw for the cover?
Baliff: A little ducky.
Christine: Oh, I love little duckies. There's Daffy and Daisy and Donald and...
[Bull shows her his drawing]
Christine: ... Doctor Death?

Princess: I am Tatiana, crowned princess of Kapua.
Dan: I'm Dan. King of Hanky Panky.

Harry: Okay, settle down.
[Banging gavel]
Harry: Settle down! QUIET! QUIET! QUIET!
[Courtroom quiets down]
Harry: Now here's the situation: We have four women in active labor and we have lost all communication with the outside world. I want all non-court personnel OUT of here. Are there any questions?
[Bum raises his hand]
Harry: Yes.
Man: Why is the sky blue?
Harry: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

Nostradamus: Roz, why are weddings such a roya pain in the keister?
Rosalind: Maybe because the whole idea is to prepare you for marriage.

Mr. Olmeyer: [Looking at the $100,000 check] This is Fantastic! Where can I find Mr. Sanders?
Dan: [Displaying shock and sadness] He has a spot out in front of Carnegie Hall.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Looking for a place to stay the night, Harry smiles and sing-songs] Hey Rosalind.
Rosalind: Don't even think of it sir. I'm fueding with my neighbors and things are starting to get ugly.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What's the problem?
Rosalind: Oh, wild parties, loud music, gutteral moans; all night, every night.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Maybe you should talk to them.
Rosalind: I did. I said if they didn't like it - Move.

Christine: I've already chosen my birth music. It's called "Songs of the Humpback Whale."
[She plays a tape. Bull spaces out, staring away]
Court: Bull, are you all right? Bull!
Baliff: [shakes his head] Remind me, I have to call Mom.

Public: There's got to be a way to get your job back.
Harry: Like What? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all of this?

Bull: [pinching the back of Dan's neck to relieve tension] Of course if you miss this spot a quarter inch either way, you could render a man blind or impotent.
[releases Dan]
Christine: Dan, are you okay?
Dan: [looks at Christine] Well, I can see.
[Christine leans over at her desk to review some work. Dan's looking at her butt]
Dan: Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Dan: [Talking about his job with the escort service] I will have you know that I am very proud of what I have to offer as a companion. I am witty; I am charming; and I'm...
Nostradamus: Reasonably priced.
Dan: I'm... on sale this month.

Court: [Mac and Dan are moved into the hallway by the toy in the box that has moved on its own] What do we do now?
Dan: I don't know. It seems to have a mind of its own.
[the toy follows an attractive woman. Dan follows the toy. To Mac]
Dan: Hold my calls.

Dr. Flick: Does he always behave like a complete ass?
Mac: [All nodding at once] Oh, Yes!
Dan: [Looking annoyed at them] Thank You.
Mac: You're Welcome.

[after Dan finishes his turning point story]
Christine: Dan, Dan, Dan...
Dan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I throw my life away for sex. But, you know, I thought I'd at least get to die having it.
Roz: Don't look at me, or you'll die trying to have it.

Judge Harry T. Stone: What are you folks doing here? I thought you went back home to West Virginia.
Bob: Sir, we're not from West Virginia.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You're not?
June: No, sir. We perjured ourselves.
Bob: And we lied, too.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Why did you pick West Virginia?
Bob: I don't know. It was the first exotic place that popped into my head.
Christine: Well then, where are you from?
June: Isn't the accent obvious?
Court: You mean you're from...
Bob: Yugoslavia.

Dan: Wait a minute, you're carrying 250,000 bucks around in a coffee can?
Bob: No, just half of it. June's hiding the rest in her brassiere.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Looks like June is busting out all over.

[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]
Doctor: Good lord, this woman is pregnant!
Christine: Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?
Doctor: [sarcastic] Well, just how many people who *aren't* obstetricians have?
[Raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan]
Doctor: What are you? Some kind of a cult?

A.N.D.I.: Judge Stone, may I ask you a personal question?
Harry: Shoot.
A.N.D.I.: [about the computer next to Harry] Who's that babe on your desk with the floppy disks?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [explaining his meeting with Marty Cologne] This is part of a government sting to catch some criminals who have been bribing judges.
Buddy: Really? Then all that stuff Christine told me about your feeling alone, without any family, that was all part of the act?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right.
Buddy: [deep sigh] What a relief. And to think I almost told you that I was your father.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You mean my stepfather.
Buddy: No, I mean your *real* father. But, now I guess there's no need to tell you.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What?
Buddy: Hec, I always figured you'd be better off not knowing anyway, so you won't hear it from me.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Wait a minute, Buddy. You're trying to tell me that you are my *real* father?
Buddy: Well since you brought it up... yeah.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Chasing Lana through the halls, he stops at the shoe shine stand] Did a really bad singer come by here?
[They point toward the courtroom]

Roz: [after recovering from her insulin shock] You're a good friend, Dan, and I love you. Thank you for saving my life.
[she gently kisses his bruised cheek]
Dan: [smiling] I saw your butt.

Orville: I'm no pervert! I'm a slum lord!

Christine: Sir, would you like to sample my yams?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right here? With the lights on?
Christine: [Christine glares at Harry] Sir!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sorry, I had a Dan attack...

Dan: [about Mac's newborn baby] It's a girl, Mac.
Court: It's a girl! Get away from my daughter, Dan.

Christine: My personal life is my own business.
Dan: Here's a list of all the dates your daughter's had in the last six months. They're cross-referenced as to age, occupation, and what time they got home.
Jack: Good man, Fielding.
Christine: What is this? Why does everyone think they have a right to pry into my private affairs?
Dan: Well, shove an ice pick up our noses for caring about you!
Jack: I couldn't have said it better myself, Dan.
Dan: Jack listen. I just want to take this opportunity to wish you a glorious and joyous sojourn into retirement.
[Salutes Jack]
Dan: Bon voyage, cabbie.
Jack: Thank you, buddy. You're a wonderful, caring human being.
[Dan takes this opportunity to hug Jack and immaturely stick his tongue out at Christine]

Mr. Carney: [after awaking from a 20-year coma] So, what else has happened in the last twenty years?
Christine: Well, let's see. You missed out on Presidents Nixon, Ford and Carter... Watergate...
Dan: Hot pants.
Rosalind: Sushi.
Mac: Yuppies.
Christine: Pet rocks.
Harry: And about ninety Bob Hope specials.
Dan: Poor guy. You slept through the entire sexual revolution.
Mr. Carney: It's over?
Harry: Oh, yeah. The motto for the 80's is, "gentlemen, stop your engines."

Christine: Buddy? Is that you?
Buddy: [takes off his sunglasses and looks into a hand mirror] By golly, it is!

[Dan is pacing the stuck elevator, rubbing his hands together]
Warren: Oh, here. Take my coat.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'm fine.
Warren: Yeah, right. Look, let's just take turns wearing it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well, if it'll keep you quiet...
[He grabs the coat and drapes it around his shoulders]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It's nice material.
Warren: Thanks. It's kind of old, it was a gift.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your mother?
Warren: A former... companion.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh...
Warren: It's all right, it won't bite.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You said "former" companion. What'd he do, ditch you?
Warren: In a way. He died.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: ...I'm sorry.
Warren: It's okay, forget it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What happened to him?
Warren: [shrugs] Same thing happens to a lot of guys. Worked too hard, smoked too much, didn't exercise.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You get along?
Warren: [smiles sadly] Ten years.

Dan: Objection.
Harry: Overruled.
Dan: Exception.
Harry: Noted.
Dan: Frustration.
Harry: Vented.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ted, did Christine happen to tell you I'm running for state assembly?
Ted: Yes, and I plan on giving you every consideration.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Damn it, man, I need *money*!
Ted: I'm sorry, I make it a policy never to involve myself in political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Hey, if I'm elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

[Billie, the new public defender, has been thrown in jail for contempt of court]
Hooker: Hey, sister! Nice suit! Some kinky guy made me get dressed up like that once.
Billie: I love your hair, dear. Is it permanent press?
Holding: Whoaaaa!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, Mac. Call the next case, huh?
Mac: Right. The charge is assault. People versus... The Spirit of Death?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Death? As in... Death?
Dan: Yes, sir. You know, the Dean of Departure, the Prince of Passing, the Goodbye Guy.

Christine: There's so many great things to do in New York.
Rosalind: You mean besides run, scream, and reload?

Dan: I have stood next to death, and people liked him better.

Harry: Mac!
Court: Yo?
Harry: Get some bandages, blankets, cotton, and string! Miss Sullivan!
Christine: Sir!
Harry: What the hell am I gonna do with all that stuff that Mac brings?

[the Red Ranger is seated under the air conditioner, holding a knife to the rope suspending it from the ceiling]
Red: If I can't wear my mask, I'm gonna ride off into that last sunset!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You can't do that! What about your fans, what are they gonna say?
Rosalind: So long, Kemo Slab-e.

[Harry grins on hearing the storm named "Hurricane Mel."]
Bailiff: The truth, Your Honor: you rooting for humanity or the storm?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on, Flo, get serious! That's a devastating hurricane out there. It's got 150=mile-an-hour winds!
[pause]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [grins] Betcha Manilow never even had a stiff gust named after him!

Dan: [Trying to impress the new stenographer] Therefore I feel it is my duty, to do everything I can, to make it safer for the woman of New York.
Rosalind: Are you moving to Chicago?

[Dan must perform an operation on Kista for a hand-injured doctor]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.
Dan: All right... there! That wasn't so bad.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.
Dan: Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really...
[gasp]
Dan: Ugh! Blood!
Dr. Gordon Mooney: [annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

[the court has to finish its docket by midnight to let the last defendant out in time to rescue his true love from her snob mother]
Christine: I think your daughter could do a lot worse than a guy like Ben.
Mrs. Rollins: I didn't send my daughter to Europe for two years so she could marry a loser, and end up pregnant working in some dead-end job, like... well, like YOU!
[she walks away; Christine slowly turns around]
Christine: Sir, I say we take the bitch down.

Mac: Good news, sir. I've got the last five cases coming right up. People Vs. Bloom, People Vs. Hauser, People Vs. Stahl and Fisher, and People Vs. Heckler.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Charges?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Uh, uh, littering, spitting on the subway, a fistfight, and staging an illegal sit-in
Judge Harry T. Stone: Alright, we have some litter, a spitter, two hitters, and a sitter?
Lisette: Good thing there wasn't a pooper-scooper violation.

[Dan's assignation with Christine is interrupted by a jumper on the balcony]
Christine: What are you doing out there?
Cyril: Isn't it obvious? I'm plunging to my death!
Christine: You can't do that!
Cyril: Why?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yeah, why?

[Harry is mending fences between his ex-girlfriend and her estranged husband]
Harry: Sheldon, you work hard, right?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Harry: To make money, so she'll have things.
Sheldon: Yeah.
Harry: So she'll have security, and she'll be proud of you.
Sheldon: Yeah!
Harry: [to Leslie] And you hate his hours.
Leslie: Right!
Harry: Because he's important to you, and you wish you were important to him.
Leslie: Yeah.
Harry: And you miss him, and you wish he didn't have to work so hard.
Leslie: Yeah!
Harry: So what we have here is a husband who wants his wife to have everything, and a wife who wants him more than anything he can give her. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you two were in love.

Dan: [Dan, stuck with a small tribe of Eskimos in the arctic, has just finished performing surgery on an Eskimo woman. He's alone and reflecting on his lifestyle, praying that she survives] If you let Kista live, I promise I'll try to be a little better.
[pause]
Dan: Oh, if you happen to get around to it...
[yells]
Dan: Would you get me the hell out of here?

Dan: [Rubbing his eyes and shaking his head] No, I am just saying that I don't have to cry to feel the loss. Because my life is going to be a little different everyday and if you don't think that means anything to me then you're sadly mistaken.

Harry: Mister Tuttle, do you have anything to say?
Mr. Tuttle: [long pauses between every word] ... Yes.
Harry: [not presently aware Tuttle is a very slow talker] Well then go ahead.
Mr. Tuttle: ...Well... it's... a... long... story.
Harry: [dreadfully aware, now, that Tuttle is a slow talker] Why am I seeing my life flashing before my eyes?
Christine: [feels the judge's pain] Well, he does have a legal right to speak, Your Honor.
Harry: Okay Mister Tuttle, let 'er rip!
Mr. Tuttle: ...Thank... you... I'll... be... brief.

[Last lines]
District: [Fielding shows up in a hotel dressed as the scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz with a stuffed dog resembling Toto. He finds the right room and makes a quiet, but surprise entrance... only to find out that Vincent Daniels's Halloween party had only midgets/dwarfs as guests, and they were all dressed formally. He can only laugh silently and embarassingly at this]
[Livid]
District: Fielding?
Dan: [to the stuffed dog] Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

[having just won a case]
Dan: [to the plaintiff] Congratulations! I just want you to know that Candidate Dan Fielding is behind you all the way.
Dan: [to the defendant] Ah, gee. Tough break! But I just want you to know that Candidate Dan Fielding is behind you all the way.
Defendant: Thanks.
[Shakes his hand, leaving toxic sludge behind]

[Dan gets a pie in the face, but everyone says they set it up]
Dan: I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money just for one hit and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

[in a fit of temper, Dan destroys a portable TV which he learns afterward was Bull's]
Dan: Money or revenge?
Bull: Revenge.
[Dan takes off his watch, then takes off his shoe and smashes it to pieces]
Bull: Thank you.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after giving the password] I feel like an idiot!
Tim: Welcome to government work.

Nostradamus: [to his group of trainees] I have found that the most important talent of a baliff is to stand for hours without taking a break. Let your bladder be your buddy.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So, you're not a judge, anymore?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's right.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You twerp!

[Roz, delirious, is sitting on the edge of the roof]
Judge Harry T. Stone: The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.
Roz: That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind!
[laughs]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [a group of naked people are in Harry's office] If I'm not out in five minutes... give me half an hour.

Gynecologist: How often do you get these pains, Judge?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Every now and then.
Gynecologist: Once a week? Once a day?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: We'll want to know when they're five minutes apart, Harry.

Rosalind: [Roz carries a large cardboard box into the courtroom]
Court: What's that?
Rosalind: Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.
Court: [Looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys, how am I supposed to identify these?
Rosalind: [They both look at Dan and then Roz turns back to Mac] He not only could tell you what they are, he can give you their trade in value.
Court: [Mac carries the box over] Say Dan, you know this stuff?
Dan: [With a huge grin after looking in] Like the palm of my hand.

Dan: I've got a bad suit. I could pass for a Democrat.

[the night after Bull was hit by lighting]
Harry: Hey Roz, how's Bull doing?
Roz: Oh, he's fine. Had kind of a rough night, though.
Christine: Really?
Roz: Never wear polyester underwear if you're gonna be hit by lightning.

Dan: [Looking sad] Harry, you didn't ask if you could stay with me.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well Dan, I just assumed that you would be busy with some crew-cut amazon princess with a great body and a bad attitude.
Dan: That's Saturday,

Lincoln: Hold it, everyone! Watch where you step!
Court: What'd you do, lose a contact lens?
Lincoln: No, my wart!

Judge: On July 12th of this year, didn't the defendant, claiming quote, "This courtroom ain't big enough for the two of us," unquote, squirt you in the face with a water pistol in open court?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That date again?
Judge: Just answer the question.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Well yes he did, but it was an accident. He was aiming for my briefcase.
[Judge Landis laughs]
Judge Martin A. Landis: [Dan laughs. Then the judge orders-] Shut up.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Right.

Grampa: [Quon Le starts out the window in Harry's office] Young lady, what do you think you're doing?
Quon: I cannot come between a grandfather and grandson. I must do the honorable thing.
Grampa: The honorable thing?
Quon: Yes. In my country, when a wife has disgraced herself, she must fling herself from and eighteen story building.
Grampa: An eighteen story building in Viet Nam?
Quon: It is rare that we are successful.

[Sitting at a table during a party, Judge Harry Stone tells public defender Christine Sullivan that he feels her new dress is a little too daring for her style]
Christine: Listen, I will have you know that I'm not the prude everyone thinks I am!
Man No. 1: [approaching Christine] Hey, I know you! Pompeii, 79 A.D. You know, not many women would jump into a live volcano rather than lose their virginity.
Harry: [to Christine] Old habits die hard, huh?

Detective: Stay away from the doors. Stay away from the windows - and those devilled eggs, they're gonna repeat on you like you wouldn't believe...

Bull: [Being questioned by Judge Willard about his opinion of Harry] I'd take a bullet between the eyes for that man. I'd throw myself on a live grenade to save his life. I'd hammer a nail into my skull if he asked me to.

[Dan breaks down crying the night after his date]
Dan: Women.
Harry: So, who was it last night? The Soviet gymnast?
Mac: The farmer's daughter?
Bull: One of those rubber-jointed ladies from the freak shows that like to be handcuffed and thrown around the room by their ponytails, screaming for mercy until they black out?
[Stares from everyone]
Bull: What?

Harry: [Harry climbs onto his bench all smiles] Good evening ladies... Let me guess. Sorority prom; had a few too many Daiquiris; got a little giddy; raised a little heck. Right?
Mac: They're hookers, sir.
Harry: Wasn't even in the ball park, was I?

Buddy: [about Harry and his mother] I guess you weren't that close.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Not close? I got a letter from her just today. It was sent fifteen years ago.
Buddy: I told her special delivery was no faster than the regular service.

[reading the death threat to Harry]
Public: Well, a person would have to be seriously deranged to do this stuff!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [sarcastic] Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

Christine: Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.
Dan: Such as?
Christine: [as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well..."The Little Engine That Could."

Judge Harry T. Stone: [not wanting to send Roz back to holding] Mr. McCracken, is there any chance you might change your mind?
McCracken: I'll change my mind when *Hell* has frozen over, and the sun has turned to *dust*!

Yakov: Go, Yankees! Lou Piniella!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Who the hell are you?
Hotel: I'm the hotel manager, sir, with the champaigne you requested.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, great, you found it.
Hotel: Yes, indeed, though it was a difficult task. After all... Chateau Libido... is not one of our usual brands. Shall I unscrew it for you?

Mac: Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.
Harry: Gangway!
[Harry streaks out of the cafeteria kitchen on roller skates, wearing a jet pack made from a fire extinguisher. He speeds out of the cafeteria - CRASH! Everyone gets up]
Bob: Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Dan: Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.
Vincent: That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.
Harry: Your father left?
Vincent: I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Judge: Fielding is still a slimball.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry nods with a smile] True, but he's a law-abiding slimeball.
[Dad nods enphatically with a smile]

Mrs. MacDonald: Billy, I have some pictures for you to sign.
Billy: For god's sakes, mother! Forget how to use the rubber stamp? Stop standing around here and get me something to drink. I'm thirsty.
Mrs. MacDonald: Right away, dear!
Rosalind: Why did you talk to her like that?
Billy: Like what?
Rosalind: Like a servant. She's your mother, you know.
Billy: She likes to run around. And besides, it's not like she doesn't get paid for it.

Maria: My name is Maria, I work up in filing. It's very boring, I hope you're not... boring.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: How does a little red wine, and gravity boots for two sound?
Maria: It's a start.
[grabs his hand and writes on it with her pen]
Maria: Pick me up here after work. Wear something tear-away.
[leaves]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: My name's Dan.
Maria: Who cares?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [shrugs] Right!

Eugene: You can't see me, can you?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [bluffing] Well, certainly I can.
Eugene: Oh, yeah? How many fingers am I holding up?
Judge Harry T. Stone: It better not be just one.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Miss Sullivan, you ever notice how guys like Marty Cologne always manage to find some loophole just so they can waltz out of here scot-free?
Christine: Well, still, that's no reason to let another man handle your gavel.

Christine: Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Why was that?
VHK: [in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!
Dan: [mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Rosalind: What you doin', Dan?
Dan: Donating my organs to science.
Nostradamus: How about you, Roz? It's the ultimate gift to your fellow man.
Rosalind: No, thanks. For all we know, the spleen may be the passport to heaven.

Art: It's probably not that important, sir, but remember the fourth floor?
Harry: yeah...
Art: It's not there anymore

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. WHAT ABOUT US GUYS WHO ARE? You jump off this thing, plunge down there, splatter all over the side walk... she
[pointing to Christine]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: is going to be very upset... and I'm going to end up playing with the TV remote all night.
Mr. Freedman: I didn't mean to ruin your evening, it's just, it's just that...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Mocking the jumper] It's just tha... It's just tha... It's just... Guess what? You can't make up your mind about anything, can you? Well listen, if you're going to stay, stay, if you're going to jump, JUMP.
Mr. Freedman: Bye.
[Starts to fall backwards. Dan reaches out, grabs him and pulls him inside]
Mr. Freedman: Let go of me.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey! Hey! This man just saved your life... and now, you got to sleep with him.
Mr. Freedman: What?
Cop: All right, spineless, let's go...
Mr. Freedman: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... I'm in the book.

Dan: Tonight I'm gonna take all my... naughty magazines and haul them to the dump.
Christine: You must have a ton of those. Be careful you don't pull anything.
Dan: That's why I'm getting rid of them.

Dan: I'm gonna quit this lousy job. I'm gonna sail around the world. I am going to eat caviar off the thighs of Scandinavian virgins.

Court: [Uneasily trying to introduce Lenore after the kiss] This is Lenore, my um... study buddy.
Rosalind: Must be an oral exam.

[after an electrician uses ashes from an urn in a coffee maker to test the circuit]
Judge Harold 'Harry' T. Stone: That wasn't herb tea... that was Herb!

Dan: Your Honor, this is the second time the defendant has been tried for robbing the Manhattan Butcher Shop.
Harry: So we *meat* again. Looks like someone hasn't *loined* his lesson. Well, apparently he doesn't realize what's at *steak* here.
Harry: [as the courtroom clears unamused] Hey, where you going? This is *prime* stuff.

Harry T. Stone: Fifty dollars plus time served.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, can I say something to you in confidence?
Dan: Of Course Sir.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You're a Jerk.
Dan: Your secret is safe with me.

Dr. Townsend: [after Bull fell off the roof while trying to get to Roz] Oh, thank God he caught the flagpole.
Dan: Too bad he didn't catch it with his hands.
Christine: [calling down to him] Bull, are you all right?
Bull: [high voice] Can I get back to you on that?

Joy: Bull, I am a full-functioning, totally capable human being. I'm also a W-O-M-A-N.
Nostradamus: A wombat?

Santa: All right, now if this works, this whole train track becomes a giant heating element.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Where did you learn all this fancy wiring stuff?
Santa: Blowing safes.
[tries the switch several times]
Santa: Damn it!
Judge Harry T. Stone: What's wrong?
Santa: Ah, the whole system shorted out.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What do we do?
Santa: I need a good conductor. Anybody here got a piece of gold?
[All eyes turn to Lorenzo]
Lorenzo: Ah, no, no, no, no way!

[not knowing she's in labor, Tony proposes to Christine while she's trapped in the elevator]
Christine: YES!
Tony: Christine, that's terrific! So you'll be my wife?
Christine: I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR BABY!
Tony: Of course you are! Someday.
Dan: How's today sound?
[another scream of pain]
Tony: You mean, she's...?
[everyone nods]
Tony: Mine?
[everyone nods]
Tony: But we only, uh... got together once.
Entire: We know.

Dennis: [Christine explained to Dan that Harry wants to be left alone for a bit. Dennis Small, a ventriloquist without a dummy, has been refusing to move his lips. He tries to be polite to Christine] You sound upset. Is there anything I can do?
Dan: Yeah. Why don't you throw your voice into the elevator shaft and follow it?

Ernie: [with his foot on Dan's neck] It's a bribery sting! We're arresting Fielding, we had the judge wired.
Bert: We're arresting the judge, we had Fielding wired!
Ernie: You mean...?
Bert: Oh, for crying out loud! Ain't that the craziest thing?
[laughter]

[trapped together in an elevator, during a blizzard]
Warren: I hope Simone's all right. She hates the cold. I left her little sweater at home.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You people are always complaining about stereotypes, and there you are, a practitioner of poodle husbandry.
Warren: I made $140,000 last year. How'd you do?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [incredulous] $140,000?
Warren: Yep. And by the way, I can't stand dogs.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What about Simone? And her "little sweater"?
Warren: That's business, Fielding. The little bitch is an investment. I'd dress her up in makeup if it helps increase my profits.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [smiling] You're my kind of guy, Wilson!
[smile fades]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I can't believe I just said that.

Christine: [Holding flyers that depict Dad naked] Dan these are going like hot-cakes.
Dan: Well, it's not everyday you get to see Dan Fielding nude.
[Looking her up and down with a smile]
Dan: Unless you ask.

Nostradamus: Sir, the holding cells are all full and we have about 30 defendants out in the hallway.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You just left them out there unsupervised?
Nostradamus: Yes Sir! They're on the Horror System.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [With a Confused Look] You mean the Honor System?
Nostradamus: [With a Hugh Scary Grin] Nooo...

Dolly: Oh, Danny! This is so exciting! I've never done it in a judge's office! How did you get a key?
Dan: Well, when the judge wasn't looking, I "borrowed" his and made a wax impression of it.
[They are unaware that Harry is trapped on the ledge outside, and can hear every word.]
Dolly: Oh-ho! Would he be mad if he found out?
Dan: Hey, what Howdy Doody doesn't know, won't hurt me.

Bert: Excuse me.
Christine: Hey... You're Bert Parks!
Bert: That's right. I'm looking for Bull Shannon.
Nostradamus: Do I know you?
Christine: Bull, it's Bert Parks. You know, Miss America...
Nostradamus: You were Miss America?

[after exposing the Reverend as a fraud]
Harry: [raising his voice, with the reporters in the background] Say, Reverend, where exactly is your church? Maybe I'd like to attend a service.
Rev. Lester Sinclair: We don't exactly have services.
Harry: It's a post office box, isn't it?
Rev. Lester Sinclair: A very *big* post office box.

Christine: Oh, Dad, you are such a sweet, sensitive, thoughtful person... why is it I want to rip your ears off sometime?
Jack: Your mother used to always ask me the same thing.

Christine: [Bull begins a lengthy read of the Welcome Back banner he made for Roz until Christine interrupts] Bull, how long is that thing?
Baliff: How far is it from here to the door?
Court: Six feet.
Baliff: Then it's 18 floors and 6 feet.

Madame: You spit on the great souls? I spit on your justice! Pu!
Judge Harry T. Stone: You probably should have waited until you got to the subway for that. That's a fifty dollar fine!
Madame: [to her right] Pu!
Judge Harry T. Stone: All righty, make it a hundred!
Madame: [and to the left!] Pu!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, you keeping a running tab on this?
Mac: Yes, sir! If she doesn't run out, we'll be able to afford that new paneling!
Madame: Infidel!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Look, I'm gonna give you one more chance to get hold of yourself!
Madame: [She grabs his folder of notes] Pu!
[She closes the folder and hands it back to him, grinning]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I take it that's a no?

Judge: Who do you think you are, Pencil Neck?
Harry: I happen to be a judge.
Judge: Well, Judge Pencil Neck...

God No. 1: [two men dispute which of them is God] Thou shalt have no other gods before *me.*
God No. 2: How would you like a thunderbolt where the sun don't shine?

Judge Harry T. Stone: Bull, where have you been?
Nostradamus: Albany.
Dan: Albany? You drove my car back and forth to Albany?
Nostradamus: Sort of. I drove it forth to Albany.
Dan: My car, Bull, where is my car?
Nostradamus: You know those new auto-trains?
[Dan nods]
Nostradamus: The kind where they safely secure your vehicle in back and allow you the weiry passenger to ride in Pullmans in front to relax in air-conditioned comfort while the miles drift by effortlessly?
Dan: [Smiling] Sure.
Nostradamus: Your's was hit by one.

Court: The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *All* of them?
Court: She's in there, too, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Dan: [after Buddy wonders why the gang is asking about Nick] These yahoos thought that Nick might be Santa Claus.
Buddy: And you guys are on the *outside*.

Rosalind: [Pulling a man from Dans Suitcase] Well, we found our last escape prisoner in the one place we didn't think to look.
Mac: It was the one place we Didn't Want to look.

Monte: What do you call an African American man in a uniform?
Mac: A veteran?

Warren: Are you really that stupid?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: That's for me to know and for you to find out.

[last lines]
Court: About my job...?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Give me one more chance, huh.
Court: It would be an honor to call you Harry!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Then it's fortunate I have that name.

Roz: [a delirious Roz realizes Dan is not her papa] Papa I... Hey you're not my papa!
Dan: That's right.
[shows her the needle]
Dan: And this ain't no ice cream cone.

Dr. DeLeon: My God, don't you realize that woman is dangerous? She over-identifies with characters in movies, and acts them out. Sometimes with horrifying results!
Rhoda: Boy, and she seemed so sweet when we were watching TV in the lounge.
Dr. DeLeon: Quickly, miss! Exactly what were you watching?
Rhoda: Uh, it was an old black-and-white movie about a guy in a dress.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, uh... "Some Like It Hot"?
Rhoda: No... "Psycho"!
[Looks of horror all around]

Harry: And what's the people's problem with Papaya Patty, Mr. Prosecutor?
Dan: Papaya Patty was pinched for panhandling in a public park.
Harry: Pshaw! Well, Mr. Prosecutor, shall we pass along Papaya Patty's problem to Public Housing?
Dan: Perfect, partner.
Harry: Recess!
[bangs gavel]

Judge Harry T. Stone: Sorry Rox, it sounds like game set match.
Roxanne: Ahh
[Stopping him before he passes sentence]
Roxanne: Speaking of Match sir, I hear that Cupid has been using you for target practice.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yeah,
[Harry smiles happily]
Judge Harry T. Stone: getting a pretty high score too.
Roxanne: [She smiles at him, flirtatiously] Gosh! What a Lucky broad to have found such a compassionate and Fair man like you, Your Honor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Smiling back at her] The flattery is nice, but you Still pay the price. $100 fine
[He finally uses the gavel]

Rosalind: Come back in here, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No!
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
Bull: Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes!
Bull: Gooooooood.
[seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside]

Dan: [snaps his fingers] Poof! I mean just like your magic, Harry. She makes my problems disappear, my anxieties subside. I mean God's in his heaven, all is right with the world, there's nowhere to go but up, look for the silver lining, don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for, and I just happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you.

Christine: It so happens that women think differently about these things. It takes a little more then flash and a nice set of buns.
Rosalind: Speak for yourself.

Dan: [heard that Harry's mother is deceased. Harry's chair is facing away] Sir, I'm so very sorry. You have my deepest condolences.
[Harry turns his chair around, revealing he's wearing a ridiculous mask]
Dan: Obviously, you're taking it very well.

Dan: Mrs. Quinn here attacked Miss Walsh after catching her and Mr. Quinn in flagrante delicto.
Laurie: What are you talking about? He was in the sack with her. Slut!
Lucy: Shrew!
Laurie: Tart! Vixen!
Lucy: Wench!
Laurie: Jezebel!
Harry: Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies. Now that we have exhausted every word in the 'bitch' family...
Nostradamus: Actually, sir, they left out strumpet, slattern, meretrix, harlot, and demimonde.

Eddie the Machete: So you're the one who sent him after me. Fielding... Fielding... Fielding!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What are you doing?
Eddie the Machete: I'm burning your name into my brain.
Rosalind: Want me to write it down for you?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [talking to Ann through the broom closet door] All right, well if you're not coming out, then I'm coming in.
Policeman: "Fools rush in where wise men fear to tread."
Judge Harry T. Stone: [smiles] My mom always said I was special.

Mac: Bull has got himself a girlfriend.
Dan: Really? Animal, mineral or vegetable?

Bob: You got any children, Ms. Sullivan?
Christine: No.
Bob: Ever had a man?
Christine: Of course I've had a man. If I had a nickel for every man I've had... I'd have a dime.

Dan: Roses are red, violets are flowers, I can keep going for hours and hours.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Carrying a box] I think you've met my office.
Judge Harry T. Stone: He Fired You?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Walking in and setting the box down] Oh No, nothing like that. He merely said I can't work here anymore.
Nostradamus: Whoa! Dodged a bullet there Dan!
[Smiling with Two thumbs up]

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after Santa has spooked the Doctor by guessing his Christmas gift was a golf putter] He's a doctor, what else is he going to get for Christmas?

[after Harry says, "I love you" to him, then turns to leave]
Dan: Harry, I l... I l...
Mr. Feldman: [pulls the curtain aside] You love him too! Spit it out!
[Dan just looks at him]
Mr. Feldman: Oh please, allow me.
[closes the curtain on himself]
Dan: There, I said it.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [smiles] Yeah, you did. Now try and say it to yourself.

Ernie: [in Judge Stone's chambers] Bert?
Bert: Ernie?
Ernie: What are you doing here?
Bert: What are *you* doing here?
Harry: [stepping into his chambers] What are all these people doing here?

Wendell: [Bull has been trying to quiet a group of mental patients on trial] Heeeyyy!
[all goes quiet]
Wendell: The little fella said to be quiet.
[Bull scowls at Wendell]

Public: Your Honor, my clients were lured to New York under the guise of a legitimate beauty contest. However, it turned out that Mr. Harris here did not have the prize money he claimed to have. The girls found out during the competition and... they responded.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your honor, according to witnesses Miss Congeniality led the attack with a kick to the groin.

Nostradamus: Sorry, Your Honor. I ran downstairs to catch him, but I must have just missed him.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You ran down eighteen flights of stairs?
Nostradamus: Yeah. I figured that whoever threw the rock through the window would have to come down the fire escape and onto the street.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right.
Nostradamus: Then I figured the sight of someone like me barreling out of the courthouse would cause him to panic and flee, and then I'd nab him.
Court: So what happened?
Nostradamus: *Everyone* panicked and fled!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Doc is there really a chance that this woman is going to kill Dan?
Dr. DeLeon: Yes perhaps, but he might be okay as long as he treats her with kindness and compassion.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Turning toward Christine] He's dead.

Dave: [Ready push the dynamite plunger] Okay, all set.
Christine: Then hurry up and do it!
Dave: Whoa, lady. This isn't exactly child's play, you know?
[Grabbing the plunger]
Dave: One for the money. Two for the show.
Ross: [Showing Dave her fist] Three to beat your face into a pasty dough.

Dan: I guess there aren't too many guys stupid enough to pay $900 for a Snickers bar, huh?
[He laughs, then turns and sees Bull, arrested in the motion of biting into a Snickers bar]
Dan: He's gonna play show-and-tell with my vital organs, isn't he?
Roz: Kind of a hollow feeling, huh?

[trying to explain to Leslie's husband about the confusion]
Harry: And, and then this guy came in...
[turns to Dan]
Harry: With a key that *Howdy Doody* did not give him!
Dan: Boy, this has been grand... but, uh, we have a clothing-optional RV show we have to get to.

Sister: [Looking around the Chinese Resturant] Oh Harry, it's SO Romantic.
Ernie: [as he walks them to the table, he explains] It's the paper lanterns, cheap but mystical.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Stating sarcastically after Roz's bully story] You know, why you're not writing for Sesame Street, I'll never know.

[after Christine makes a joke]
Harry: She is to comedy what Roy Rogers is... to comedy.

Dan: I got it! You're Everett Cunnings and I slept with three generations of your family.
Ernie: No, but I'd love to hear the story sometime.

Dan: I will meet you at the plane.
[Nicole looks at him blankly]
Dan: That's the big thing with the wings.
[he holds out his arms like wings]
Nicole: Oh Yeah!
[She smiles finally with understanding]
Nicole: I remember.
[She then leaves]
Dan: [Everyone watches her go] What do you think of d'hat body man?
[Using a Jamaican accent]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Seems to keep her head from floating away.
[Dryly]

Eleanor: Harry... I'm your mother.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh!
[confused and unsure he puts out his hand]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Please to meet you.
[She smiles and shakes it]

Christine: Oh I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could possibly be more idiotic?
Dan: A chicken and waffle joint comes to mind.

Woman: [the elevator is broken. To the crew] You'll have to wait. There's some pregnant woman stuck in the elevator.
Baliff: Oh no, that means Christine had to take the stairs!
Dan: You *almost* know what's going on, don't you?

Harry: Bull, I know the last twenty-four hours have been sort of... well, tense for you.
Bull: You heard about my polyester underwear.
Harry: [nods] And what with this money thing, I guess you must be feeling pretty stupid, huh?
Bull: Thanks, I feel much better now.
Harry: Sorry.
Bull: Last night, I thought a miracle happened... what a chump.
Harry: A miracle did happen.
Bull: Oh, right! Poof - the vanishing bank account!
Harry: I'll tell you what the miracle was: Bull Shannon is alive. And there are a lot of people around here who are very grateful for that miracle.
Bull: Thank you, Harry.
Harry: How do you feel?
Bull: Medium rare.
Harry: Do you need anything?
Bull: I think I just want to be alone.
Harry: That, my friend, is something you will never be.

Joy: You know something, kiddo? You are really screwed up.
Nostradamus: [Blindfolded] Oh, really? What makes you so sure of that?
Joy: Because you're sitting in the ladies' room.
Nostradamus: Oh. That would explain all the screaming when I walked in.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [to courier] Sorry I don't tip. Besides, how do I know you're not the type to go out and spend it on a Barry Manilow album?

Miss: You're not a dog lover, are you, Fielding?
Dan: I've had my share.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You will not believe what just happened to me!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [not looking up] Some loose woman that you've never met before has agreed to go back to your place, and participate in some deviant sexual behavior.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: What gave me away, the drool?

Dan: You don't get it, do you? Listen to me. No one is ever going to love me. No one is ever going to say "I love you", and do you know why? Because in order to be loved one must be able to - give... and I . can't . give. I can not. I have never been able to give. And I don't... know why.

Buddy: Here's a picture of your mother and me at Niagara Falls.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [looking] Where are you?
Buddy: In the barrel.
[Harry looks at him]
Buddy: But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan: [Dan's co-workers bring him face-to with his bumpkin parents who come all the way to New York from their dirt farm to visit him]
[With a look of stunned embarrasment]
Dan: Thank God they left the livestock in the car.

Judge: [Al rubs the judge's head] Let the record show I was... noogied.

Court: [Bull is not winning on the game show] Something's wrong. Why's he losing?
Roz: 'Cause he's dumb as a doughnut, that's why.

Judge Harry T. Stone: What'd you find out?
Mac: Well, we checked the prisons, and there's nobody by the name of Adam Daley.
Rosalind: Not only that, but records show she was married to a Ben Daley in 1952.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ben? Mrs. Daley?
Mrs. Daley: Yes?
Judge Harry T. Stone: The records seem to indicate that your husband's name is Ben.
Mrs. Daley: That's because he changed his name to Adam Logan when he went undercover with the Agency.
Mrs. Daley: The Agency? You mean like the C.I.A.?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, my goodness, no! The World Security Agency!
Rosalind: Wait a minute. Is this the same Adam Daley being framed by Tommy Johnson for the murder of Amy Delmonico?
Mrs. Daley: [ecstatic] *Yes*!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Roz, have you been keeping up with this case?
Rosalind: Sure. Every day at two o'clock. "The Days of Passion" on Channel Five.
Mrs. Daley: And that little tramp, Jessica! She knows all about it and she won't say a word!
Rosalind: Why should she? She's shacking up with Ronnie Delmonico, and she knows what side her bread is buttered on!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [aside to Mac] That's a soap opera!
Mac: I think somebody's lost their "vertical hold."

Harry: You be good to your colon, it'll be good to you.

[Dan tells Roz's doctor to give him the insulin shot]
Dan: How do I use this?
Dr. Townsend: You have to stick it in her buttocks.
[pause]
Dan: Dan Fielding: Up Close and Personal.

Harry: [Dan is suddenly being nice to Christine] Mac, do you notice a change in the suck-up wind?
Mac: 'Bout ripped my eyebrows off, sir.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after hearing of Irwin's rescue from a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon] You must be the luckiest man who ever lived.
Irwin: No... Dan Quayle is.

Christine: Your Honor, my clients believe they lost unfairly. They both claim they had the correct answer to the question.
Judge: What question?
Chuck: The bonus question! And here it is: "I am two feet long and I escape my attackers by expelling my organs! What am I?"
Judge: ...My ex-husband.
Thomas: The answer is obviously, "I am a gecko"!
Charles: The answer is, "I am a snake"!
Bull: Actually, it's a sea cucumber.
Chuck: That's right!
Charles: Are you sure?
Bull: Oh, yeah. When it feels threatened, a sea cucumber responds by inverting itself and expelling its own organs into the water.
Roz: And they make girls wear bathing caps.

[the defendants are an elderly couple who have been disturbing the police by having sex in their own apartment, very often, and very loudly]
Judge: I don't mean to pry, Mr. MacNulty, but why are you so loud during these romantic interludes?
Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?

Bull: So, Mr. Torme, how did you like your tour of the morgue?
Mel: [emotional and wiping his brow] Very educational.

Mac: [as they open their gifts] Okay Dan, your turn.
Dan: [gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.
Mac: Read the inscription.
Dan: "Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as... a friend."
[to everyone's confusion, he dunks the watch into his water glass, covers it with his hand, shakes it briskly, then pulls it out and checks the action]
Dan: [gasps again] It's real!

Christine: [about Dans' impersonation] That's the worst Bogart.
Mac: [Nodding] Not a bad Slyvester the Cat.

Morry: Did Mike come through here?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Looking confused] Mike? The dummy?
Morry: Yeah. We went up on the roof to talk things out and he just stormed off.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Stormed off? As in a departure of some sort?
Morry: Yeah. I've been looking for him everywhere but...
Voice: YO!
[Mike is on the window ledge]
Voice: Live with this Morry!
[Falls off the ledge]
Morry: *OH MY GOD!* *MIKE!*
Judge Harry T. Stone: Morry. You go... I'll call a tree surgeon.

Judge: Raise your right hand.
[Mac grabs Harry's right hand and holds it up; Christine grabs his left and slaps it down on the Bible]
Judge: [raising his right hand] You planning to shoot anyone?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No...
Judge: Fine, you're a judge again, good night!

Mac: What do you say to a man who is lying limp in bed?
Rosalind: Last night was fun; Now get lost.

Ernie: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?
Dan: [distracted] Just a second, lad. I'll be with you in a moment.
[Ernie handcuffs a briefcase to Dan's wrist]
Dan: Hey, what the hell is this?
Ernie: It's a bomb... Dan.
[he opens the briefcase, showing it's full of dynamite. Dan gasps]
Ernie: It's going off in 30 minutes.
[Dan gasps again]
Ernie: [holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.
[Dan gasps twice]

Judge Harry T. Stone: [the staff enter Harry's chambers and, hearing him yelling into the phone, believe he's yelling at his mother] Perhaps it would just be the best thing for both of us if I hang up the phone right now!
[Harry calms down]
Judge Harry T. Stone: You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, operator, I'll dial direct.

Arthur: Can I get you folks anything? Coffee? Tea?
[looks at Bull who scowls at Thursby]
Arthur: Noose?

Nostradamus: [Looking down at Christine] I have only three active brain cells Christine and even I knew.

Christine: In conclusion, Your Honor, I would like to state that even though my client has pleaded guilty... uh... we would like to, uh... request a suspended sentence due to the circumstances... Your Honor! May I request that the prosecutor refrain from ogling me during my closing statements?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sustained. Does the prosecutor have anything pertinent to add?
[Dan lets out a lascivious growl]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Let the record show the prosecution exhaled wantonly.

[Harry politely asks Mrs. Rothman to wait, as they are still in session]
Mrs. Rothman: But I murdered my husband.
[She takes a revolver out of her purse and holds it up]
Court: [sweet] Will that be a party of one, then?

Court: [Dan carries a box of sex toys into the cafeteria; the toy short-circuited and is now smoking] I don't get it. How could it short-circuit?
Dan: When that group of cheerleaders walked by, I guess it couldn't handle the pressure. Boy, I remember when "Made in America" meant something.

Christine: [Catching Harry replacing Mel Torme's picture with Margaret's] WOW! That's quite a step.
[Walking to his desk]
Christine: After all you've only known Margaret a few weeks.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yeah, but things are building up steam.
[He says with a happy smile]
Christine: Still, there is something to be said for long courtships.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Really!
[With irony in his tone]
Judge Harry T. Stone: As I recall, YOU set the landspeed record for going from dating to parenthood.

Mac: Dan, you know, I could call a friend of mine at the committee office to see if you made the list.
Dan: That would be great!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, is there anyplace on this planet where you don't have a friend working?
[a Samoan man in grass skirts runs in]
Man: Here's that file you wanted, Mac.
[He runs out. Everyone turns to Mac]
Mac: Manu Hanrulima.
[smiles]
Mac: "Biff" to his friends.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey, gang, how goes the world?
Rosalind: [Reading a tabloid aloud] "Enraged housewife shoots husband's pig in bizarre love triangle."
Dan: Caught him bringing home the bacon, huh?

Harry: Carla, I already quit, you can't tell them anything.
Carla B.: You're not a judge now, you can't tell me what to do anymore.
Judge Martin A. Landis: She's got you by the statutes there, Stone!

Christine: [as one mother's baby is born] Your Honor, look!
Harry: What is it, Miss Sullivan?
June: [to Bob about the judge] Good Lord, he's a virgin!

Christine: [after a false alarm sets off a crazy emergency plan] Now hear this: I am not in labor, I just banged my knee on the table! Sheesh! I knew you guys would overreact, but please, there were cooler heads at the Ayatollah's funeral!
Harry: Hey, it was just a way of getting you to the hospital quickly. A simple, rational plan.
[sound of helicopter overhead]
Helicopter: [over radio] Chopper One to Stone, Chopper One to Stone: we're ready. Over.
[embarrassed, Harry takes a walkie-talkie out his robes]
Harry: Stone to Chopper One: false alarm. Over.

[last lines]
Rosalind: [deadpan] Quite a day today.
Mac: [deadpan] Yep, quite a day. Almost had a wedding here.
Rosalind: Yep, almost. But we didn't.
[They stand impassively for a few seconds, then give each other five and make Harry's "crazy face" at each other]

Harry: Just what do you need a defense against, Thursby?
Arthur: Wrongful accusations, hasty conclusions.
[looks at Bull again]
Arthur: Getting my face ripped off.

Dan: [Talking in code, as to not to desillusion the young child about Santa] Well, during his lunch break, at the department store, Santa Claus here had the urge to...
[looking at the defendant]
Dan: um, put something in her stocking.
Christine: [Going along with the story] He employed my client
[Looking toward Mandy]
Christine: to be
[then looking down at little Eric and back at Harry]
Christine: Santa's Helper.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Right,
[With an Ah-ha look]
Judge Harry T. Stone: So this fellow
[Looking at Lorenzo]
Judge Harry T. Stone: is...
Lorenzo: [With a grin] I'm the elf that handles the money.
Dan: Anyway, after the
[looking down at Eric]
Dan: umm... ?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Gift Exchange?
Dan: Okay
[taking the word]
Dan: Santa Forgot to... leave anything under her tree.
[Harry nods with an Oh of understanding grin]
Dan: So later the dynamic duo confronted Santa at his workshop.
Mrs. Stapleton: My boy heard Santa use the most vile gutteral words imaginable.

[after Buddy sends off the Chinese acrobats]
Roz: Hey, Buddy. I didn't know you spoke Chinese.
Buddy: [surprised] Was that Chinese? Wow! You know, that would explain that picture of me bowling with Chiang Kai-Shek!

Man: Why is the sky blue?
Harry: Because if it was green, we wouldn't know where to stop mowing.

[in a holding cell]
Chip: What're you in for?
Dan: Uh, contempt of court. You?
Chip: Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.
Dale: [jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... *burned to the ground*!

Dan: I know every nook and cranny a body could fit into in this place.

[Christine accidentally showed her publisher illustrations that were meant for Dan Fielding]
John: Please don't go, Mummy. It's been years since I've had a proper caning!

Judge Harry T. Stone: How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?
Baliff: I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oxymoron.
Baliff: If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, jumbo shrimp.
Christine: Bitter sweet.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Free love.
Baliff: I understand.
Mac: Yeah, that's a good one too.

Princess: It is wrong to be naked?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Not necessarily, it sort or depends on where you decide to do it. For example
[pointing to Dan]
Judge Harry T. Stone: , in Dan's apartment it's mandatory.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Why do I feel so guilty?
Mother: Don't whip yourself my son.
[With a smile]
Mother: Leave it to the professionals.

Christine: If the Slinky Shoe fits, wear it!

Phil: That's the kind of failure I can only dream about.

Harry: Dan, Al doesn't talk to people.
Dan: Oh.
[to Al]
Dan: Nice blinking with you.

Harry: [to cheerleaders who pled guilty] Three, five, seven, nine. Fifty dollars is your fine.
Dan: [to cheerleaders] If you choose to stay behind, show me yours I'll show you mine.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Madame Loretta.
Madame: Judge Swine.

Rhoda: I should have known. They broke the mold after they made Bull Shannon.
Roz: [to Christine] They broke the mold *while* they made Bull Shannon.

Judge: Why is my bailiff on a game show?
Court: You see, this boy's club is gonna close down. And Bull's been helping out by being their basket, but they're out of money. And Bull could win, but it doesn't work to have Christine say "I want to be your love slave." That's why we need to get Dan out of jail.
Judge: ...Pour me one of whatever you're having.

[Harry has been taking care of a man's funeral ashes in a small urn]
Harry: Hey, this thing's empty!
Art: Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.
Harry: Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!
[they look over and see Dan standing at the coffee maker, his mug frozen against his lips]

Reporter: You know I really like it here in court. I mean, there's always a neverending supply of human misery in a place like this
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yeah, yeah. Most people don't see the funside of pain and suffering.
Reporter: Riiight
[Grinning widely, not understanding the sarcasum]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Letting Al's laugher fade] See ya.

Billie: [singing and pantomiming to everyone in the courtroom, who are all less than impressed] Ohhh, watch Mr. Woodchuck romp through the snow. Bag many nuts for the kids at home. A fluffy little tail and a-pointy little ears. Now don't you ever wonder what the woodchuck hears.
Bailiff: [Equally as unimpressed as everyone else] Thank God I have no lunch to bring up.

Bull: [after Buddy introduces his friend, Dr. Dumont] Oh, a doctor. How's Buddy doing?
Dr. Dumont: Well, he seems to be doing wonderfully lately.
Buddy: Except for that Saran Wrap incident... but, I'm feeling much better now!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Let's call somebody.
[Picking up the phone]
Lana: Like my fiance Emerson?
Lana: Good choice.
[He hands her the phone]
Lana: [Hanging it back up] Nah! I'm too happy. Happiness just worries Emerson.

Nostradamus: [to Miss Sweden] My name is Bull.
[She doesn't seem to understand]
Nostradamus: Bull!
[Still nothing]
Nostradamus: Here, look.
[Pulls out a tablet and draws one]
Nostradamus: See?
[Speaking Swedish happily, she seems to understand, but is making gestures like milking a cow]
Nostradamus: No no no, not a cow.
[He then draws what is assumed to be a large penis on it. she sees it, looks shocked, then hits Bull in the gut and goes off on him again in Swedish, and walks away]

[repeated line]
Bull: Ohhkay!

Quon: My family is preparing to Die!
[Panning over to the table, showing her family holding knives to their chest]
Mac: Those are butter knives. What are they going to do, spread themselves to death?

Mac: Eugene Sleighbough, attempted burglary.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Uh, Your Honor, the people acknowledge the fact that there may be a special circumstance where Mr. Sleighbough is concerned.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Special in what way?
Eugene: I'm invisible.

[Phil arrives at Dan's funeral with a framed letter]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: What's this, Phil?
Phil: It's a copy of Dan's favorite letter to Penthouse. I had it framed, I think Dan would have wanted it this way.
Roz: [reading the letter] I know Dan would have wanted it this way.

Bob: [explains to Paco that his 'son' is a girl] Bebé Bob es el... transsexual.

Mac: [He cries] My great-grandchildren are going to be wearing this sweater.
Nostradamus: Well you know the classics never really go out of style.

Bailiff: [after everyone hears that Bull may be trapped in a snow cave-in] He'll be okay. Or I'll kill him.

Judge Harry T. Stone: It just so happens that three gorgeous stewardesses, at this moment, are in My Apartment.
Dan: Woah, I see a wild game of Yahtzee tonight uh?
[Returning to his newspaper, unimpressed]

Court: [Bull's in a suggestible state. Mac urges Dan to finish Bull's hypnosis] Dan you better move it before Judge Wilbur comes back and snaps your head off.
Dan: [laughs mockingly] Judge Wilbur. I wish someone would twist that old bag's head off.
[Bull makes a strangulation gesture]
Dan: Or better yet stuff her down the mail chute.
[Bull nods and goes in search of Judge Wilbur]

Kenny: Harry, it's getting stuffy in here.
Public: Then stop breathing.
Kenny: I'll try that.

Harry: [Bull growls menacingly at Thursby] Down boy! Down!
[Bull growls again]
Harry: Heel! Go wait outside.
[Bull growls again]
Harry: I promise we'll save you the face.

Dan: I mortgaged my condo to buy radio time. I hired admen to write slogans. I slurred my opponent's patriotism. And now I lose on... AN ISSUE?

Dan: [Looking a the $100] Ha ha ha. You see this? Some guy gave me a $100 for my soul.
Christine: Hmmm, good idea. It was just taking up space anyway.

Dan: [to each of the six Rolling Rangerettes skating past him] I love your eyes. Love you thighs. Love your hips. Love your lips. Love your hair. Nice butt.

Dan: Just my luck, I get stuck with a guy who doesn't know when to call it a Life!
Rosalind: [Sarcastically] Well Breathing can be a hard habit to kick!
Nostradamus: I quit once for a week
[unsarcastic]
Nostradamus: but I couldn't have done it without gum.

[while Mr. Koenig is waiting outside Harry's apartment, an explosion is heard inside. Harry comes out, his face black with soot, and coughs out a cloud of smoke]
Harry: [polite] Yes?
Mr. Koenig: I want you and your exploding yak hair out of that apartment now, or I'm calling the cops!
Harry: Mr. Koenig, I've paid you two months rent, and a substantial security deposit, so if you want me out that'll be three months of eviction proceedings, during which time you're not gonna see a penny of rent, and when it finally goes to trial, I'm gonna testify under oath that you and I have been involved in a torrid love affair.
[He leans forward and pecks Mr. Koenig on the nose, takes his package from Koenig's stunned hand, and exits into his apartment]

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Dan handing out address to his apartment to foreign beauty pageant contestants] This is the address to Dan's apartment. Dan's apartment is Goood!

Nostradamus: My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.
Bailiff: That's cute. What happened when you found out?
Nostradamus: When I found out what?
[crash of thunder]
Nostradamus: Gosh, he's good.
Bailiff: He's got His own ball.

Christine: [after Dan has discussed the traits he is listing for the auction] Dan! I can't believe that some woman is going to pay good money to go out with you.
Nostradamus: Yeah Dan, isn't that usually the other way around?
[Dan gives him a dirty look]

Dan: Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.
Mrs. MacNulty: My Louisville slugger.
Mr. MacNulty: [cupping a hand to his ear] What?
Dan: [shouting] She said she likes your bat!

Tony: I want you to be behind whatever I do.
Christine: Well, I-I-I want what you want, Tony.
Tony: No, no, no, no. I want you to want what I want.
Christine: Well, I want to want what you want me to want.

Leon: [Leon has just defeated Christine in a card game] Take off the dress.
Christine: [Surprised] I thought we were just playing for chips.
Leon: I already know what chips look like.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry walks in] You better watch out, the kid's a shark, you could lose your shirt.
Christine: Now you tell me.

Mac: [On the phone] Yeah, Hi. This is Mac Robinson of arraingment court 2. It looks like we're going to need a replacement judge to replace our replacement judge... I know it's the third in 24 hours... You kiddin'!
[to Christine]
Mac: We set a record!

[Harry is unsettled when the defendant turns out to be a bully from his childhood]
Terry: You got me expelled!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Technically, Terry, it was you riding a Schwinn over my neck that got you expelled.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: In the meantime, you gentlemen are going to have to decide whether you want your cases adjudicated together or separately.
Lincoln: United we stand, divided we fall!
Francine: Tell me about it.

Bull: You're a judge. You stand for justice.
[to Billie]
Bull: You're a public defender. You stand for the underprivileged. I'm a bailiff. I stand. Kind of like cattle.

Moody: Too risky. I think our only prudent course is open gunplay.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Listen, fathead, the one thing we don't need is to have some trigger-happy lunatic in charge!
[into phone]
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, no, Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Yes, I'm sure you do get that kind of thing all the time.

Bobby: [to Dan, laughing] We're gonna sue you blind, dude!
Theodore: Bobby, be quiet.
Bobby: Aw, don't tell me to be quiet. I want you to hit this guy with papers, now!
Theodore: I said shut up!
Bobby: Who do you think you're talking to, huh? Hey, maybe I'll go call my old man!
Theodore: Yeah, you do that, Bobby. And when you got him on the phone, you tell him I'm fed up bailing his snot-nosed son out of trouble!
Bobby: What? Hey listen, pal, I don't need your...!
Rosalind: [stands up and pushes him into a chair] Hey! Why don't we just let the nice man finish talking?
[Bobby shuts up immediately]

Christine: Wait! We're stuck in here for god-knows-how-long, and even though it's 150° in here right now, we stand a good chance of losing our precious body parts to frostbite?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [picks up suggestive-looking gavel cozy] Not me!
[Leaves courtroom]

Judge Harry T. Stone: All right now, we all know we're in the middle of a difficult situation but there's really no point in letting it get the better of us. The information that I have received tells me that we are only going to be here for a couple of hours, so rather than squandering that time and allowing the anxiety to build, I've decided that we're just going to go ahead with the normal proceedings of this court. Are there any questions?
[Bum raises his hand]
Judge Harry T. Stone: You sir.
Man: What weighs more: The Chrysler building or the ancient Pyramid of Cheops?
Judge Harry T. Stone: The Chrysler building. Any others?

Harry: [Al wants a noogie. Harry obliges followed by a blank expression from Al] It's worth it just to see your face light up like that.

[Once power is restored, the elevator doors open, and the gang sees Warren sitting in a corner, with his arm around Dan, who is asleep against his shoulder]
Warren: Don't just stand there. Somebody get a camera.

Harry: [in the courtroom, looking up at the cross-shaped basketball net] Can we talk? As you probably know... I - I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night. After night. You remember that guy? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King. And Larry Bird!
[pulls a basketball out of his robe and tosses it into the net. SWISH]

Harry: Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.
Christine: Why, because he has a pair of...
[notices Roz staring at her]
Christine: ...pants?
Roz: Chicken!

[first lines]
Court: The judge will be here any minute. Are you finished painting?
Painter: [staring out the window] Yeah.
Court: Well, then, what are you doing?
Painter: I'm watching the naked couple in the building across the alley; they're fooling around.
Court: That's depraved.
Painter: Too soon to tell.
Court: I meant you. How would you like somebody watching you and your wife doing that?
Painter: My wife won't do that.
Court: Out!

Dan: My father is a dirt farmer.
Harry: Dan, farming is noble...
Dan: No crops, Harry, he farms *dirt*! Sure, maybe a few rocks now and again.
Harry: And I suppose he never tried to do any better?
Dan: Yeah, sure he tried, and he always failed. Year after year after year, but nothing ever grew! That's not persistence, that's stupid.
Harry: Dan, it's true that I don't know everything about your father, but from what I do know, "stupid" is not a word I'd use to describe him! And I think you're a pompous ass for saying so!
Dan: That may be! But it doesn't mean it isn't true.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, Dan. This is Christine Sullivan, Legal Aid. Dan Fielding assistant DA.
Dan: Hi. How are ya? You know, I think all the talk about the death of casual sex is premature, don't you?

[Diane doesn't believe that Harry's really a judge]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Hey, Bull!
[stands up straight with his fists on his hips]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Who am I?
Baliff: [after a pause] You're Superman.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No, no, I mean in real life.
Baliff: Oh, Clark Kent.

Judge Harry T. Stone: I might as well be honest about this. Uh, Eve and I, we... we had a, ah... a sort ah... DATE kinda.
Christine: YOU and EVE had a sorta DATE... KINDA?
[Harry nods "yes"]
Christine: Oh! Well! That's just fantastic! That's really very nice, sir. Why didn't you SLEEP with her while you were at it?
[Harry looks away sheepishly]
Christine: You SLEPT with her!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, if you want to get technical neither of us actually slept.
Christine: [Excitedly] I can't believe this! I can't believe this! I get thrown into this stinking, filthy jail for standing up for my client's rights and you turn around and use it for an opportunity to satisfy your carnal LUST? Don't you have anything to say to me?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Thinks about it] Thank you?

City: My God, he's gonna kill us!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh relax, Mr. Edwards.
City: He's got a gun! How can you be so calm?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Because thanks to the crack security you've given us around here, we've kind of gotten used to this sort of thing.
City: Don't cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best security money can buy.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yeah? Well, have you thought about maybe taking a couple of days to *train 'em first*?

Dan: Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of city hall.
Mr. Hubble: They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...
Billie: And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.
Harry: And?
Dan: He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

[last lines]
Buddy: Well, it's been quite an eventful day, Harry. Even by my standards. You sure you're all right?
Harry: Well, let's see. I got knocked around by an inept government agent, went through a severe identity crisis, and nearly got myself killed...
[grins at his father]
Harry: But I'm feeling *much* better now!

Dr. Townsend: [Telling the others about Roz] She could faint... she could go into a coma... she could die.
Baliff: Boy I sure hope she picks fainting.

Anthony: [on the phone, desperately trying to replace his mangled toupee] In Manhattan? The number for the Hair Bazaar.
[to Bull]
Anthony: It's open 'til nine.
Nostradamus: [whispering] Don't be a jerk.
[runs a hand over his own head]
Nostradamus: This drives women *wild*.
Anthony: Really?
Nostradamus: I never played basketball because I didn't have... time.
[Mr. Porcaro runs a hand over his own head. Bull smiles and nods]

Judge Harry T. Stone: You got an extra bread pudding?
[Holding the cup Carla has just given him]
Carla B.: I bought two. I guess my eyes are bigger then my
[she stops]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Smiling back at her after looking at her chest] Why don't you let me fill that part in?
Carla B.: [laughs flirtatiously] You're so Clever!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [With an awe shucks grin] Yeah, I guess I am.

God: Some people I give wisdom. Some people I give talent. Pia Zadora I gave nothing.

Nostradamus: [sees Harry crying] What happened?
Bailiff: Harry's crushed that Manilow and Torme did an album together.
Nostradamus: I felt the same way when Alvin and the Chipmunks broke up.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [taps Christine on the shoulder] Miss Sullivan...
Christine: [jumps] Agh, don't touch me!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [to the crowd] We're trying to get her to switch to decaf.
Christine: I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm a little bit on edge.
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, no, no. Lizzie Borden was a little bit on edge. You are downright freaked.

Christine: If I was in a strange town alone, I would want someone to show me a good time.
Dan: I'll meet you in Poughkeepsie in two hours.

[Cleaver challenges Harry to a battle of pranks, but Harry demurs]
Mac: Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!
Roz: Where is your pride?
Christine: Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir!
[off their looks]
Christine: Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.
Harry: Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation.
[beeping]
Harry: What's that?
Roz: It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.
[Harry pops open the briefcase and peeks inside... and a spring hand pops out, hitting him in the face with a pie. Harry looks up, and slowly rises to his feet, his face still covered with whipped cream]
Harry: I'M GONNA *WASTE* THE SUCKER!
[cheering]

[Dan feels guilty]
Dan: Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?
Harry: You can do it with your own words.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on, the guy is twenty-four; You've got Beatle Albums older then he is!

[the court has to finish its docket by midnight to save an orphanage]
Harry T. Stone: People versus?
Mac: Wagner.
Harry T. Stone: Prostitution?
Mac: Positively.
Harry T. Stone: Prosecution?
Dan: Pictures.
Christine: Objection!
Harry T. Stone: Grounds?
Christine: Entrapment.
Dan: Ridiculous.
Harry T. Stone: Reason?
Dan: Witnesses.
Harry T. Stone: Overruled.
Christine: Darn.
Harry T. Stone: Plea?
Hooker: Guilty.
Harry T. Stone: Motion?
Christine: Leniency?
Harry T. Stone: Granted.
Christine: Fine?
Harry T. Stone: Fifty.
Christine: Finished.
Dan: Freebie?
Hooker: Forget it!

[Harry, in disguise, walks into the entrance to the restrooms]
Bailiff: Female.
Public: I agree, no bet.
[They watch Harry turn into the men's room]
Bailiff: You know, it was all so simple in the forties.

Nostradamus: There appears to be a lull in the conversation.
[Reading from his etiquette book he learns to express interest in his friends current life status]
Nostradamus: So Roz, getting any lately?
[Roz stares daggers at him]
Dan: Well,
[looking at her]
Dan: are you?
[Roz turns and stares at him, along with everyone else]

Alice: Mr. Fielding?
Dan: Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.
Alice: That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Alice: Turns out, we made a mistake.
Dan: Huh!
Alice: It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.
Dan: So what you're saying is...
Alice: Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.
Dan: Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?

Harry: Well, we should be pretty safe until the fire team can rescue us. In the meantime, everybody try to stay calm.
[Christine immediately lets out a piercing scream as a shrouded corpse rises slowly from the table - then flips down the sheet]
Attendant: That always gets 'em.
[laughs]

Rosalind: Someone a little nervous about her first day on the job?
Christine: [twitching madly] Nervous? What makes you think I'm nervous?
Rosalind: Because you're acting just the way Bull did the time he dropped his ant farm down his pants.
Bull: Except you're not laughing.

Red: Maybe it is time I took this mask off...
Bill: Don't bother. I just got off the phone with the studio. They're pulling the plug. The movie bombed.
Court: Aw, ain't that a shame!
Bill: They actually burned the screen.
Rosalind: What about your new Red Ranger?
Bill: He resigned on the way to the hospital.
Public: The hospital?
Bill: Yeah, they... they jujube-eed him.
[Oxley walks off]
Baliff: You must be thrilled!
Red: [gravely] Oh no, my domed friend. A Ranger never rejoices in the misfortune of others.
[He bows his head, and solemly takes off his hat... then throws it into the air]
Red: YEE-HA!
[off their looks]
Red: Well, maybe just once.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Testing, Testing
[Talking into a walkie-talkie]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Awe, there's no batteries.
Dan: Hold on a second, Double A?
[He opens his briefcase to reveal a mix of different size batteries. Harry looks at him shocked]
Dan: Well Sue Me for having a personal life!

[appearing are three actors playing U.S. Presidents, charged with soliciting a prostitute]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Honest, Abe?
Lincoln: Look, I don't have to take this. I'm a major talent in this town.
Francine: Wanna bet?

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after watching the news] Ugh, I've never been so humilated in my entire life.
Rosalind: How about the time that you spoke to the League of Women Voters and your fly was open?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry give a gesture of it being a toss up]

Liz: [Liz and Dan are left alone after being handcuffed together by Yakov, a Russian immigrant] I'm thirsty. How about you?
Dan: No. Thank you. I must have had six, seven cups of coffee this evening.
Liz: Oh.
[suddenly realizes]
Liz: Uh-oh.
Dan: Uh-huh.
[Dan crosses his legs tightly]

Dan: Hey! I have had every woman in this building! I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign countries! I have had den mothers!

Benet: I don't need any help, and I don't need any pity. And I certainly don't need you.
Dan: Fine. Listen, I'll just be over there in the corner beating myself to death with a Boy-Scout manual.
Benet: Let me know if you need any help.
Dan: Yeah, well, I hope it's a boy and he grows up to be just like ME!

Harry: [to a defendant] Well, I'm gonna find the defendant guilty of assault and battery, and Mr. Gunther, I am gonna give you two days in the slammer. Because you've got to learn, that this is not funny, no matter what you think of the man's musical talent!
[we see the victim who has a harmonica stuffed in his mouth]
Dan: Be grateful it was your mouth.

Warren: I just want you to know, there's no hard feelings. I know you were just doing your job.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Got it.
Warren: My I say something else?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Shoot.
Warren: I find you very attractive.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [this prompts Dan to tear his briefcase in two] What?
Warren: I just feel attracted to you. I just thought you should know.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You mean you're...?
Warren: Aren't you?

District: [on Kitty] Drives you crazy, doesn't it? So near, yet so far...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Wait a minute, is that what you're up to? You're gonna taunt me, torture me, drive me crazy?
District: Call it a hobby. Remember: one touch, and I'm cutting you off at the knees!
[He exits]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [muttering] Yeah, I'd still be taller than you, you little...

Buddy: [realizing something about Harry] You have your mother's compassion. But you're so different. I wonder what would have happened if she had raised you.

Jack: [preparing to surrender to the police] I'm really scared, Roz.
Rosalind: You should be. This is going to be hard. Really hard. But we can get through it.
[They hug, and she starts to lead him towards the door]
Jack: You're the nicest person I ever met, Roz. What'd you do to end up here?
Rosalind: I hoisted a guy by his Adam's apple.
[Jack gulps and nervously fingers his own Adam's apple]
Rosalind: [leans in and winks] But don't tell Mom.

Monte: [on Roz being black] They need more security around here!
Rosalind: Actually, I AM Security around here.

Court: [Entering the hotel room] Hello! What's going on?
Rosalind: The man on the ledge has never had sex.
Court: OH my dear LORD!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Harold, if you didn't go around telling people, nobody would know.
Nostradamus: [Entering room for the first time] Evening. What's with the virgin in the window?

Roz: [after winning a card game, Roz looks under the sheet at a corpse] And I thought I had a good poker face.

Dan: Are you out of your mind? I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!
Mac: Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.
Dan: Why me?
Mac: Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful?
Dan: [nods] ... Nobody does it better.

Harry: Mr. Tuttle, I got one question for you. Do you or do you not want to press charges?
Mr. Tuttle: ...No.
Harry: [yells] Why the hell didn't you just say that to begin with?
Mr. Tuttle: ...Well...
Harry: [fed up] Case dismissed!

[Dan has to explain about an altercation between a department-store Santa and a hooker and her pimp, but with a 10-year-old witness waiting in the background]
Dan: So, after the, uh...
Judge Harry T. Stone: Gift exchange?
[Dan points and mouths, "thank you", then continues]
Dan: Santa... forgot to leave anything under her tree.

Nostradamus: Well, I would be taking advantage of you. You're blind! You don't even know what I look like!
Joy: My fingers tell me you're a cross between a Cro-Magnon man and a balloon at the Macy's parade.

Nostradamus: Roz, will you stand next to me at the ceremony?
Rosalind: Isn't that where the best man's suppose to stand?
Nostradamus: No... it's where the Best Person stands and after all you are my best friend.
[He hugs her]
Rosalind: You know, if you make me cry I am going to Have to kill you.

[to the courtroom full of people demanding the lottery ticket]
Harry T. Stone: Last night, I witnessed perhaps the most considerate, selfless, kind act I have ever seen.
Dan: [bows his head] Thank you, Your Honor.
Harry T. Stone: [ignoring Dan] And here before me, sits the result of that kindness: the most selfish, indulgent...
[He tosses an apple to a "blind" man, who catches it reflexively, then retreats, embarrassed]
Harry T. Stone: ...*transparent* display, I have ever witnessed!

[after Cleaver challenges Stone to a final duel of pranks]
Mac: Sir, I don't like this.
Christine: I don't either, sir.
Harry: Oh, come on now, what's the worst that could possibly happen?
Dan: AAH!
[Dan runs down the hallway, chased by a giant, Indiana-Jones size eight ball. He runs out of view - CRASH!]
Roz: [winces, but] It's okay, the motorcycle gang broke his fall.
Dan: AAH!
[Dan flees back up the hallway, pursued by the motorcycle gang]

[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine]
Harry: Any sign of Christine?
Bull: [craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.
[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage]
Christine: Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!

Eddie: [runs into the courtroom] I feel great!
Christine: [jumps out of her chair] AAAAAAAHHHH!
[Everyone stares at her]
Christine: [faking nonchalance] Oh, look who's here.

Harry: [quickly] You see, after I found out she was married I tried to grab my clothes but they were thrown out the window, then I tried to grab my robe which was hanging on a scaffold, then my underwear got caught on a nail and then they blew away.
Bull: I hate when that happens.

Phil: [suggesting a slogan for Dan's mayoral campaign] The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding!

Dan: [to Harry] If you weren't born, Walt Disney would have to draw you.

[Harry bribes a messenger boy to sing a regular telegram]
Timmy: [to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."
Christine: [reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."
Bull: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!

Bull: [delivering a baby] Look at the grin on that kid's face!
Florence: Bull... That ain't his face. And that ain't no grin.
Stanley's: It's a breech baby?
Stanley: [shrieking] A breech baby?
Florence: Stay on your feet, Stanley, or I'll knock you cold!

Dan: Sascha? That thing you told me about... did you ever try it with any of your other husbands?
Sascha: A few times.
Dan: And did any of them... survive?
Sascha: Only John Wayne. But he never walked the same.
[Dan walks away quickly, then stops, and turns around]
Dan: Saddle up.

'Hank': Nostradamus thinks the world of you kids.
Christine: Oh, who's Nostradamus?
Nostradamus: That's my real name.
'Hank': Yeah, I always loved that hunchback.
Dan: Wait a minute. Wasn't that...
Nostradamus: Don't.

Harry: Cleaver, you may be younger, you may be faster, you may even be smarter. But you will NEVER, EVER, be crazier... than me.

Harry: Hi there, Mr. Hubble. How are you today?
Mr. Hubble: I hate Central Park in autumn. I hate the U.N. Building. I hate bridges.
Harry: It says here you're an employee of the City Tourism Bureau.
Mr. Hubble: I hate New York!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.
Eugene: Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.
Eugene: Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes. It's called sunlight.

Mac: [Mac is at his desk in the courtroom, when in comes Dan--Audited Man Walking] Dan! You okay?
Mac: [Dan's head sinks into his folded arms] Dan! Dan, I can't talk to hair.
Mac: [Without raising his head, Dan holds up a slip of paper. Mac takes it] A receipt from the IRS?
[reads]
Mac: "Seventy-four thousand, eight hundred and sixty one dollars, paid in full. Thanks for stopping by!" They took it all? Well, what did they disallow?
Mac: [Dan waves his arm back and forth] Everything? Even contributions to charities?
Mac: [Dan raises his head out of his arms and just Looks at Mac] Yeah, right. What was I thinking? You mean to tell me you're broke? Wiped out? Flat busted? Bereft of funds?
[Mac's features split into a you-know-what-eating grin]
Mac: Oh, Dan, I am so sorry! If there is anything I can do...
Mac: [Dan holds out his hand, making various hands signs for 'money'] Oh, no, Dan, I make it a policy never to loan money to a friend.
Dan: [Mac starts to walk away. Dan stands up and stares at him] I hate you! You are scum! We were never friends!
Mac: [grinning] Nice try, amigo!

Roz: [Dan laughs at Roz who is wearing an elf suit] Are you laughing at me, Dan?
Dan: Yes I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.
Roz: [pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest] Pick a body cavity, Dan.

Buddy: Your mom was really pretty messed up when she first moved into the hospital. To give you an idea, *I* actually helped *her*. It was just the two of us. We clung to each other for support. And that support grew into friendship. And that friendship grew into love.
Harry: And that's... where I came into the picture.
Buddy: Yeah.

Christine: Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
Judge Harry T. Stone: So all the would-be chicks are now...
Dan: Quiche, yes sir.

Mac: [Discussing Dan] We can't get ahold of him.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Everytime I call him, I get the same message. "Hi, I'm Naked... Are You?"

Public: 'Zippy Bits'! I opened myself up to him... over 'Zippy Bits'!
Bailiff: I did it once for a piece of chocolate and a pair of nylons.

Mac: All I get is her answering machine.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What did it say?
Mac: You've reached Florence Kleiner, I'm still in my bed. Don't leave me a message, hang up and drop dead.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, she can't feel that bad, if she didn't bother to change her message.

Buddy: With friends like these, who needs hallucinations?

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [further yelling at Harry for quitting] Why don't you just shut your beanie little face!

Nostradamus: You're tops in my book.
Joy: I don't want to be tops in your book. I want to be topless on your dining table!

[Mac's computer is having difficulties. It's picked up air traffic control information]
Mac: You're losing the altitude! Go left, go left!

Dan: Oh, my God, somebody get me a tailor!

Judge Harry T. Stone: Bull, are you okay?
Nostradamus: Life may be filled with pitfalls and uncertainty, but from adversity comes strength.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Who said that?
Nostradamus: It's me sir... Bull.

Judge Martin A. Landis: Do you understand the charges brought against you and the jeopardy involved?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Yes sir, I do.
Judge Martin A. Landis: Well you're one up on me.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Any questions?
Dan: Just one. How? How did you get appointed to the bench?
Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office, and it was a Sunday. And my name was at the bottom of a list of a thousand candidates. So they start calling folk, starting at the top of the list, but, you see, it's Sunday so no-one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name; no-one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and... voila.
Court: You mean you were appointed a judge because...
Judge Harry T. Stone: I was home.

Dr. Flick: [Explaining how Dan got in the coma] Mr. Feilding participated in an overly stress inducing activity.
Christine: I don't understand! What kind of activity could he have participate in? He's in bed!
[Harry gives her a look and she realizes what activity it would be]
Christine: Right.

[after Tony explains why being a cop is so important to him]
Christine: ...Do you always put this much feeling into everything you do?
Tony: [chuckles] Hey, I'm Italian.
[grows serious]
Tony: Besides... what's life without passion?
Christine: [whispers] Nothing.
[They grab each other and kiss passionately]

Judge Harry T. Stone: We will serve no crime before it's time.

Dan: So, what's the news from the garden spot of the great swamp?
Donna: I ran into an old friend of yours--Kitty Landrow.
Dan: Pretty Kitty. Oh, does that name bring back memories. I took her to the prom, you know that? What is she doing nowadays?
Donna: Looking after her nine grandchildren.

Yakov: What are you giving me, red tape? What does a person supposed to do to get some justice around here?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, you might start by explaining why you're acting like such a...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yack-ass?
[laughs]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Take a short recess.
Court: Sir, there's about a dozen naked people in your office.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Let's make that a long recess.

Dan: SPOILER: They were hoisting a baby grand up to the second floor just as Phil was walking under. The rope snapped and boom! The key was Sharp, Phil was Flat.

Ludmila: Most unusual, an attractive man with a sense of humor.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Looking in his refridgerator] Let's see we have twelve year old kool-aid or
[he stops to look back; her words registering]
Judge Harry T. Stone: You find me attractive?

Christine: You know all your life you think love is gonna be this flash of passion and romance; it hits you over the head like a sledgehammer, but it's not like that. It's calm and quiet and it-it builds up slowly over time.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Kinda like plaque.

Judge: [about the immigrants] Mac, who are these people?
Bhakti: We are the world.

Moody: [after taking a secure call] Red alert men. A possible threat to the president. There are reports of some terrible behemoth scaling the wall of this building.
Bull: [Knocks from outside the courtroom window and waves at the judge] I'm going to get Roz!
[He climbs away]
Harry: No! Bull! Wait! Oh, boy.

Rosalind: [after Bull wrestles a purse from Dr. Dumont who is behaving like a dog] You got some slobber on your face.
Baliff: [Slides his tongue across his labiomental groove] No problem, it's mine. Well, anyway, at least we got Mrs. Perine's purse back.
Rosalind: [Takes purse from Bull] Gee, this thing is heavy. Wonder what the hell she has in here.
[pulls out a large pistol]
Baliff: Now, why would a sweet old lady need a .45 caliber handgun with a silencer?
Rosalind: Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Baliff: Probably not.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Well, Eddie... . you've done it! You have brought the entire American judicial system down to its knees! It's a towering achievement, Eddie, and you did it with nothing but your own incredible incompetence! You are the Mount Everest of... *stupidity*!
[pause]
Fast: ...Is that some kind of a crack?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Eddie...
Fast: 'Cause I'll have you know, I'm with the union and I don't have to take cracks.
[He leaves]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [hefting his gavel] How 'bout divots?

[the defendant is a Japanese businessman who cavorted with three prostitutes for seven straight hours]
Dan: My God, man, how do you do it?
Mr. Shibata: [thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
Dan: [to stenographer] You got that?
[she nods]

Maitre: You must be a night person. I pity you.
Dan: Nice eyebrows. Who was your grandmother? A horned owl?
Maitre: Your snappy retort has stung me to the bone. I must write that down. Nitwit.

Dan: Yes, I think it's sunk through the first four or five layers...
[Bull slaps forehead]
Dan: We have comprehension.

Court: [Dan groans from beneath the bearded lady] It's Dan!
Roz: And he's been neatly pressed! You okay, Dan? Dan? Dan!
[Dan comes to and cries out in shock]
Roz: Dan it's okay. It's all over, now. What happened?
Dan: [to Roz] I was... *Shamued*!
[a minute later, to Bull]
Dan: It was a nightmare, Bull! I came in here to check on Jack. All of a sudden, I'm eating four hundred pounds of cellulite!
Bull: But Dan it's over, now! Why are you so upset?
Dan: *Because*... I liked it!

Nostradamus: I got an idea! Why don't we drop the safe out the window? I bet when that thing hits the sidewalk it'll break wide open.
Mac: Bull, so would Harry.
Nostradamus: Okay, it's got some flaws.

[Dan receives what he thinks is a love letter from an anonymous female admirer]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Want to hear it?
Everyone: No.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Okay!
[reading in an exaggerated French accent]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: "Dear Dan... I want *you*. I dream about *you*. There isn't a day goes by that I don't want you... dead!"
[He stops reading and goggles at the letter. Harry takes it and finishes reading]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: "You die today, Pigface. Signed, The Prince of Death."
Nostradamus: [filming the scene through a video camera] HA-HA-HA-HA! And you guys thought this wouldn't be exciting!

Buddy: [Coming up with a way to stall Harry] Oh I Know! Get him to sing a Billion Bottles of Beer on the Wall. It's a heck lot of fun; although it did cost me to miss the entire Ford Administration.

[Christine can't understand why Harry isn't upset that his mother is dead]
Christine: Sir, your mother is dead. There's no shame in showing your grief.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: So what kind of grief am I supposed to show for a woman who dumps a five-year-old boy the way another woman dumps her garbage?
Christine: Still, I can't believe you're capable of not feeling any loss.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I am capable of feeling loss. When Selma died, I felt loss. When Florence died, I felt loss. Because I cared very much for them and they cared for me. If I need comfort and compassion they were there. If I just needed a friend to talk to, they were there. But when I needed a mother, no one was there.

Baliff: [Bull drunkenly staggers to the courtroom entrance. He looks back and gives an awkward wave gesturing people to join him. A group of circus performers surrounds him. To all in the courtroom] Meet the gang.

Attendant: Here fill out this toe tag it will make it easier for the next shift.

Dan: [after confessing he destroyed Harry's collection of Mel Torme albums] Harry, here it is in a nutshell. Mel Torme is in your office right now! He wanted to leave but I couldn't let him, so I locked him up with your trick shackles!
Harry: I don't have any trick shackles. Those are real, and I don't have a key!
Dan: Oh! Then I just managed to kidnap a well known jazz artist. Gotta go, bye!

Harry: I find you guilty of harassment. And might I add, if you're hungry, go to a restaurant, for criminy's sake, or a grocery store. But leave that poor bird alone!
[cut to Wile E. Coyote]

Dan: What if he starts shooting?
Bert: You'll bleed.

Buddy: [about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?
[Buddy grins and shakes his head]
Buddy: But I'm feeling much better now.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after Art has explained how he doesn't want to take his mom to the banquet] So you're thinking of dating outside the family... it's a bold move Art.

Nostradamus: This may sound dumb, but to me, being married means there will always be a surprise in your refrigerator.

Dan: Roz, how do I look? I have a date with an angel.
Rosalind: [Looking him over] And she has a date with the Devil.

Christine: You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.
Baliff: What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I'll give your respects to the downtrodden and oppressed, I'm sure they'll understand.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: You're not playing fair, Dan.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: You were good Harry! Very good! You were impartial. You were fair. Patient. Compassionate. Understanding. And I admired you. That's really hitting below the belt, isn't it?

Roz: Something wrong, Dan?
Dan: [about a woman who excites him, but turns him down] She takes me to the brink of ecstasy then abandons me there. I need satisfaction and I need it now.
Roz: I understand. You want to be alone.

Harry: Wow! My yak hair arrived! My yak hair arrived!

Christine: Mr. Phelps, why are you doing this?
Cyril: Because, uh, I'm thirty-eight years old...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [pouring a glass of champagne] Well, so am I!
Cyril: And I'm a virgin.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [lifts the glass] Happy landings.

Arthur: You're insane!
Harry: They called me mad at the university!

Dan: [running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?
Christine: [deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after Christine explains about the cranberry sauce] Any reply and I'm going to find Myself in contempt.

Jennifer: Dan was wrong, I *netted* eight million last year.
Al: [bursting from under Harry's desk] You netted eight million?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Craven!
Al: Well, I lost my contact lens when I was here earlier, so...
Judge Harry T. Stone: [dragging him towards the door] Craven, you get your skulking carcass out of here!
Al: [turning to Jennifer] Isn't an introduction in order?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Bull!
Al: [terrified] Oh, please! No, no, not... no Bull, no...!
Nostradamus: [entering] Yeah?
[Harry indicates Craven. Bull smiles and crooks a "come here" finger at Craven]

[after Bull takes a frightened Yakov out of the courtroom: ]
Court: That poor man. He's so terrified.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, you have to remember that he comes from a system where anyone can be arrested on the street and without a valid explanation, be put behind bars for an indefinite amount of time without a trial... Kind of like we just did.

Rosalind: [about her reluctance to meet her pen pal] When I wrote to him, some of the things I said about myself may have been... slightly embellished.
Lisette: Such as?
Rosalind: I'm a classical music buff.
Lisette: That's easy. If he mentions Mozart, just say, "love that third movement."
Rosalind: I also told him I was a figure skater.
Lisette: You can skate.
Rosalind: With Holiday On Ice?
Lisette: Anything else?
Rosalind: Oh, yeah... one last thing: I'm five foot two in a size three.
Lisette: Come on, I'll drive you home.

District: [to Dan, while Kitty is wearing a trenchcoat] I have to take my niece shopping for some clothes.
Kitty: [turns to Dan] All this time in New York...
Kitty: [opens the coat and Dan's eyes go wide] ... And not a thing to wear.

Phil: [suggesting a slogan for Dan's campaign for mayor] The Big Apple needs a worm like Fielding.

Dr. Flick: I'm going to talk to the Duty Nurse about your enama.
Dan: I am Not going to Pay for any enama.
Dr. Flick: [Winking at Dan] My treat.

Dan: And starring Dan Fielding as The Scarecrow.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Roz, I'm Really happy that you've found someone that you care about. But, this is a court of law and I would appricate it if you were a little less... Enthusiastic.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You are so cute when your stern.
[She then reaches out and pinches his cheek]

[after Dan has made up with his parents]
Dan: Hey listen, everybody, after work what say we go out and get some real food?
Court: Real food?
Dan: Yeah, I know this 24-hour Creole place over on Lexington. They got chicken feet.
Bob: No!
Dan: Yeah, I go there quite a lot.
[off everyone's looks]
Dan: Yes, I eat chicken feet. And I *like* it.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [alarmed by Buddy's behavior] Buddy, did I happen to warn you that I am armed?
Buddy: No, you got it exactly right! "Why would a woman in her right mind..." do something like that?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [lifting a stapler] This is no ordinary stapler...
Buddy: Answer: she *wasn't* in her right mind!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [surprised, lowers the stapler] You're saying she was sick?
Buddy: For a time. After a while, she got better.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [Turns down the award] I'm sorry. I can't accept this.
M.C.: What?
Baliff: [Stands in the audience] HE SAID HE CAN'T ACCEPT IT!

Judge Harry T. Stone: [as the Russian couple argue, Harry turns to Bull] What are they saying?
Nostradamus: Something in Russian Sir!

Tony: [reading Dan's death threat] "Dear Dan... die, Pigface." Yep, sounds like our boy all right. Ex-con by the name of Norman Snite.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Norman Snite? No wonder he calls himself the Prince of Death.
Tony: Yeah, he came through your courtroom about three months ago.
[Harry, Christine, and Dan shrug blankly]
Tony: Attempted murder?
[Another blank shrug]
Tony: Enormous buck-teeth?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding,78548: Oh, *that* Norman Snite!
Tony: Yeah, well, it seems he's very sensitive about those teeth.
[to Dan]
Tony: Is it possible you might have made some comment that could be construed as inconsiderate or insensitive?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [fakes a laugh] Well, I don't know, *maybe* I said something he misinterpreted...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Such as, "Snite, you're lucky you haven't been shot for the ivory"?
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: And Mr. Thin Skin takes it the wrong way!
Christine: Well, what did you expect? All his life, people have been focusing only on his physical appearance, afraid to see the true person that hides inside.
Tony: Let me guess: you sleep with stuffed animals, right?
Christine: [shifts] I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Lana: Oh My God I almost forgot, the special election is tonight. You're up for a city counsil seat.
[She looks at Dan's melancholy expression]
Lana: You're loosing. That's why you're depressed.
Dan: Yes I am loosing. But that's Not the depressing part.
Nostradamus: [Turning around from the table behind Dan] Hey didn't your opponent die two weeks ago?
Dan: [Closing his eyes with a nod] THAT's the depressing part.
Lana: So um, how bad are you...?
Dan: The Body is ahead by twenty percent!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendants are all tenants of what is called a "clothing optional" building.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Ah, they're nudists.
Mr. Lawler: No! That's an archaic term, conjuring images of airbrushed families playing volleyball in the sun! *We* are naturalists! *We* are within our rights!
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *They* were in the buffski! On the roof, in clear view of six other buildings.

Dan: [In disbelief over hearing that Phil has money, Dan states] Believe me the only asset he has left is his lice farm.

[Papa Jack brings a basket of squid on fire to the table]
Papa: I hope that everybody's hungry.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, boy, my favorite. Fire.

Kimberley: Well...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Uh, lets cut out the formalities. What can I do, to make you fall hopelessly in love with me?
Kimberley: Direct me to traffic court.

[a man has been arrested for vandalizing a drag cabaret in his neighborhood]
Mr. Williams: They are an abomination! They are disgusting perverts-!
Charlie: Hey! This is America, pal! Which means I have the right to make my living dressed as a broad, *if I want to!*

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [after returning to the bench] I owe you big, counselor.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It was my pleasure, sir.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: No I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, to the tip...
[grabs Dan by the collar and in a threatening tone]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: of my beanie little face!

Harry T. Stone: Bull! Explain to this man the penalty for harassing a judge.
Bull: Uh, Section 4-C of the Penal Code, wherein the bailiff is encouraged to... pull the assailant's ears behind his head and tie them in a knot!
Al: That's not... really a law, is it?
[Bull takes a step towards him]
Al: Gotcha! It's probably a regional thing, you know...

Judge Harry T. Stone: Something bugging you Lana?
Lana: Harry how can you take pudding from a Hooker?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Stunned] I never thought anyone would ask me that question.

Nostradamus: She isn't being watched as much as she use to be.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You Mean She Escaped!
Nostradamus: That's another way of putting it.

Dan: Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.
Rosalind: How do you know that?
Dan: A little birdie told me.
Christine: Dan, you heard that from Bull!
Dan: All right, a huge bald condor told me.
Christine: Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?
Dan: [grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: So Doc, what's the good word?
Dr. Glass: Surgery.
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That was a rhetorical question.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Surely, murder is not the only answer.
VHK: Alright. We'll give them a choice.
[to Dan and the Montez bros]
VHK: Death or castration?
Dan: [brief pause, but the obvious answer] Death.

Ludmila: I love your jokes...
Judge Harry T. Stone: [picking up the phone] Mac, hold my calls.
Ludmila: and your eyes.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Forever.
[Then hangs up]

Christine: Well, Dan, all I can say is, I am not afraid of a little pain.
Dan: Well, whatever you say, Christine...
[Christine gasps and seizes Dan's wrist in a death grip]
Dan: EEEE! EEEE! EEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEE!
Buddy: Ah, the love theme from "Psycho."

Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac,
[He starts putting his feet up on his desk]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I don't know what I've been doing right lately. But in the last three days, I have been offered
[beginning to count them off on his hand]
Judge Harry T. Stone: ; a professorship at Columbia, a Partnership at one of the most Powerful law firms in the country, a Seat on the Superior Court and Two Dates!

Morry: [the ventriloquist of Mike the Dummy. Mike is 'speaking'] The jerk just can't get it through his head, it's over!
Court: What's over?
Morry: [Mike] Us. The team. I'm breaking up the act!
Court: Why're you breaking up the act?
Morry: [Mike] Isn't it obvious? Look at his lips! I've seen less movement on a roller coaster.

Public: I always make it a rule. Never get involved with people I work with.
Lana: You work with rapists, junkies, muggers, and flashers.
Public: That does make it easier.

Judge Harry T. Stone: This could go either way.
Court: Yes!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Unless...
Court: What?
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, I guess it's got to go either way, don't you think?

[Mac walks in on Bull who is leaning over the rear end of a horse]
Bull: Hi, Mac; it's not what you think!
Mac: God, I hope not!

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Your Honor, the defendant entered Blumbert's deli, went up to the counter and said, "give me an egg salad sandwich, for though I have no cash, you and all your descendants will be blessed."
God: It's better when I do it.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Blumbert was unimpressed, and told him to leave. And then he told Blumbert to "be fruitful, and multiply." But not in those words.

Lana: Why don't you tell Dan? But be discrete!
Nostradamus: I'm Six-eight, 240 and I got no hair!
Lana: Do your best!

Buddy: I was married to your mother.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh. Then that would make us...
Buddy: Nothing.

Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: So you had a couple of bad nights...
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: It wasn't just a couple of bad nights, Dan! A kid got shot! You tell me, that if I go back there, that's not gonna happen again.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: It will happen again... eventually.

Judge Harry T. Stone: So... how the hell are you?

Rosalind: [Everyone rushes off to look for Bull] I'll check out every bar, disco and singles joint in the city.
Rosalind: Bull doesn't hang out in those kind of places.
Rosalind: You check where you want and I'll go check where I want.

Christine: You thought I wasn't old enough to make my own decisions, didn't you? You all thought I needed to be condescended to and chaperoned like a teenage girl, didn't you?
Court: Yes.

Buddy: [still amused by what the gang thought about Nick] Nick - Santa Claus. That's hysterical.
Buddy: [looks thoughtful]
Buddy: Although, that would explain his red convertible.
Judge Harry T. Stone: What about his red convertible?
Buddy: It flies.

Nostradamus: [Mac, Dan and Christine start to leave the courtroom after Judge Hemp dies] Wait a minute!
[Bull walks over to the others]
Nostradamus: Paragraph 6 section 27 of the New York City municipal code clearly states that no session of criminal or civil court may be recessed or dismissed unless so ordered by the magistrate presiding over said session.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Bull... The man... is... dead.
Nostradamus: [Looks at the judge then turns to the courtroom and waves] Drive safely everybody.

Christine: [after McCracken walks away with his yo-yo] Isn't that amazing? I mean what are the odds that Buddy's friend would pick out the exact same gift that Mr. McCracken asked Santa for so many years ago?
Mac: Hey, wait a minute! Didn't Buddy say his friend's name was Nick?
Dan: [with Harry and Bull] Yeah.
Roz: [stressing what Mac is suggesting] As in *Saint* Nick?

Bull: Mr. Tartikoff, what's the secret of your success?
Brandon: Luck and timing play a big part. But I also pride myself on being a man of principle and integrity. You see, I will kowtow to *no one.*
Court: Excuse me, a Mr. Cosby is on the phone for you.
Brandon: The sandwiches! Tell him I already left!
[leaves]
Court: [on the phone] He's on his way. Why don't you suck on one of those pudding pops while you're waiting?

[Gary Fenton awakens after being knocked out. The first thing he sees is Bull's face, closely observing him]
Bull: [creepy voice] We've been waiting for you, Mr. Fenton.
[Fenton cries out and faints. Bull looks up, puzzled]
Bull: [normal voice] Boy, he looks like he just saw a ghost.

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Say, wasn't this a Japanese restaurant yesterday?
Papa: Say you've got a sharp eye for detail, don't you?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: So I've been told.

Court: [a drunk Christine, from a Long Island Iced Tea, is sunk into the sofa in Harry's office. Mac to Dan] What do you think we should do?
Dan: [getting a sleazy idea] Well...
[decides against it]
Dan: Nah. On second thought, you know it's been my experience when they're this drunk... there's no challenge in it.

Dan: [Walking sadly into Harry's office] Hey H, do you want to go to dinner with me? My stewardess can't get back from Chicago, she's got a layover. Which means that I won't.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Christine, are you alright?
Christine: Am I any good?
Dan: Only one way to find out.

[after Harry's death threat is read aloud in the courtroom]
God: I will see what their end shall be. I will spend my hours upon them. I will set on fire the foundations of their mountains.
Bailiff: You do, and you'll answer to me.

[Trapped in an elevator with Buddy and Christine]
Harry: Miss Sullivan, are you in pain?
Christine: Yes! I'm having a baby!
Harry: Well, you can't have it in there!
Alexander: That's what I'm trying to tell her!
Harry: Who are you?
Alexander: I'm Alexander Tobin, and I'm being held against my will by a pregnant woman and a *lunatic!*
Harry: ...Buddy?
Buddy: Hi, son! Don't worry about us, we're having a ball!

[Mac is trying to figure out the new computer system]
Harry T. Stone: What's the next case, Mac?
Mac: [staring at the computer, confused] Uh, People vs. Pac Man, sir.

Judge Martin A. Landis: You a Shriner, Stone?
Harry: No, I picked that up at the Goodwill in the Village.
Judge Martin A. Landis: That's where I got my Captain Video helmet!
Harry: You got a Captain Video helmet?
Judge Martin A. Landis: You didn't invent whimsy, you know. I'm not senile, Stone, I've been like this for fifty years. So even if I do become senile, people will never know. Come to think of it, I won't know either, will I?

Dan: [Dan and Bull catch Harry and Margaret Kissing] That's it Harry, Take Control!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Stopping due to the outburst] I will Dan.
[Then Yelling over his shoulder]
Judge Harry T. Stone: GET OUT!
[Then he resumes the kiss, while Dan scrambles to shut the door]

Nostradamus: What kinds of stuff do they ask you on those tests?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, there are several parts to it, Bull. Personality, aptitude, IQ. For example, they might show you an ink blot
[squirts ketchup from bottle to create a blot on a napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: like this.
[lifts napkin]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Dan, what do you see?
Dan: [Buxom woman walks past Dan] A set of hall of fame hooters.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on, Mac, we got a photographer waiting.
Mac: Photographer for what?
Judge Harry T. Stone: For the promotions for our Mac Snacks.
Mac: What the hell is a Mac Snack?
Judge Harry T. Stone: That's the name I came up with for our new product. Pretty jazzy, huh?
Mac: Sounds stupid.
Judge Harry T. Stone: That's what they said about the Ding Dong.

Mac: You mean they wouldn't let her into this country?
[Yakov shakes his head]
Dan: It is common procedure to quarantine livestock before entry.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry gives Dan a harsh look] Mr. Fielding
[Dan holds up the picture of Sonja behind Yakov's head, Harry sighs]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sustained.

Dan: Tommy. get me some surgical gloves.
Officer: From where?
Dan: My briefcase, top pocket.
[Smiles at Benet Collins]
Dan: Great, now I can deduct them.

News: Once again, State Assembly Candidate Dan Fielding has made potentially embarrassing statements on live television. When asked to explain his actions he had this to say.
Dan: Well, I have pieced it together, and it seems I was kidnapped and drugged by... Soviet agents.

[Dan has exposed Kista's appendix to view]
Dan: Bright red.
Dr. Gordon Mooney: That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. Now, first you have to clamp down on it.
Dan: Clamp.
[Namilama puts a clam in his hand]
Dan: No, no, *clamp*!
[She gets it right]
Dr. Gordon Mooney: Now, just be careful. You cut in the wrong place, and it's curtains for Kista.
[Ahkpa taps Dan's shoulder with a fishing spear]
Ahkpa: [smiling and shaking his head] No pressure.

Baliff: I missed Roz. I still don't see why she wouldn't let us visit her at the hospital.
Christine: I do. It's embarrassing. I hate wearing those hospital gowns that hang wide open at the back.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I always turn mine around.

Mrs. Daley: Now what are we supposed to do?
Judge Harry T. Stone: That kind of depends on what you're going to do with that grenade.
Mrs. Daley: Oh... yes, I have made quite a to-do, haven't I?
[holds it out]
Mrs. Daley: Who wants it?
Rosalind: Uh, I'll take that, Mrs. Daley. I got a neighbor who's been playing his stereo too loud.

Roz: [at Dan's "funeral"] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self centered, egotistical, bootlicking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry understands how honest Buddy has been about his mother leaving him] Buddy I never did know her. But I'm beginning to miss her.

Public: You're only as old as you feel, Right Selma?
Bailiff: That was vicious!
[Gets up and leaves]

Dan: [talking about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.
Harry: Dan, they can't be that bad.
Dan: My God, Harry! They're *Democrats*!
Harry: ...I stand corrected.

Nostradamus: All rise.
[Everybody stands]
Nostradamus: Criminal court part 2 is now in session, the honorable
[big yawn]
Nostradamus: Harrison Kemp, presiding.
Judge: Are you okay?
Nostradamus: Yeah, Mister Sandman didn't get a chance to visit me last night.
Judge: [Looks over Bull] Probably afraid to come in.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?

[Dan and Dr. Townsend find Roz, delirious, sitting on the edge of the roof]
Roz: Hey, what are you two doing up here?
[looks over the edge]
Roz: But then again, what the hell am I doing up here?
[laughs]

Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: [sorting his rubber snakes] Lethal, non-lethal... lethal, non-lethal...

Sydney: Are you Bull Shannon?
Baliff: Yep.
Sydney: I am Sydney Shoup, professor of literature at Manhattan City College. I am in charge of the children's book contest.
Baliff: Did you get my entry?
Sydney: Oh, yes. It was the most vile, offensive, nauseatingly horrid collection of thoughts that I have ever seen put to paper.
Baliff: Did I win?
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Excuse me guys, what's going on?
Baliff: Sir, Mr. Shoup critiqued my children's book.
Sydney: It was ghastly, nightmarish, apocalyptic.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Did he win?
Christine: Bull Shannon is the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know, I cannot believe that he would write...
[takes a look at the cover]
Christine: ... "Puff, the Flesh Eating Dragon"?
Sydney: Needless to say, our kiddie panel of judges have been racked with nightmares. Little Stevie even strangled his imaginary friend.
[to Bull]
Sydney: You are a disgrace, you're a menance, you're *a monster.*
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Did he win?

Dan: You see, my parents were... rural.
Benet: My parents were rural.
Dan: They kept the pigs in my room. I was six before I realized they weren't related to me.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Make yourself comfortable.
[Princess Tatiana removes her top, with her back to the camera. Harry turns back and then in a shocked tone]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Roz?
Rosalind: I'm your witness, Sir. You did nothing to provoke this.
[Harry stands quiet, still staring]
Rosalind: Of course, you're doing nothing to stop it, either.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Realizing that he does need to fix the situation] I've never said this to anyone before, but, could you put your top back on?
[She does]

Eddie: Oh, by the way Dr. Melnick. I kept all the Swiss bank accounts. I mean I may be stupid... but I'm not crazy.

Dan: Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
Judge Harry T. Stone: All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
Dan: When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Christine: Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
Dan: SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata gives a short Japanese bow; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower]

Yakov: Give her hell, Harry!

Dr. Flick: [Coming in the room, shaking a thermometer] How are we feeling, Mr. Fielding?
Dan: I am in Great Pain!
Dr. Flick: [Smiling widely] Good!
Dan: [Looking at the thermometer] Oral?
Dr. Flick: Yes.
[Then looking down at Dan]
Dr. Flick: Disappointed?
[Dan glares as the Doctor puts the thermometer in his mouth]

Bull: Anybody know a cure for hiccups?
[hiccups]
Dan: Yes, staple your lips together.
Bull: That didn't work.
[hiccups]

[after Bull has an emergency]
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Well, under the circumstances, I guess it would be appropriate to call...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: *Yes?*
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: A *short*...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yes.
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Recess.
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: YES!
[Starts to reach for Harry]
Judge Harold T. 'Harry' Stone: Don't Kiss the Robe, Dan.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [about Jennifer] I can't see her anymore.
Public: Right.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I like her.
Public: Right.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I like her, so I can't see her anymore.
Public: And they called it the birth of the blues.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [nodding sadly] Right.

Harry: I don't know how much time we have, Bull. See if you can find a doctor anywhere in the building!
Baliff: Right!
[runs off]
Harry: And Roz, you go find someone who can fix this elevator!
Bailiff: Uh-uh. Christine needs me. I'm her Lamaze coach, remember?
[Christine yells again from inside the elevator]
Dan: I'll go, I'll go! But promise me you'll tell me if she uses any four-letter words!

Dan: Listen Bucko, No one drags Dan Fielding through the mud!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Looking through compromizing photos of Dan] Not accourding to action photo number five

Judge Harry T. Stone: [In an actual non-jealous tone, after hearing about Harry's ranking] Actually, I can't think of a more deserving soul.
[He leans down and hugs Harry's face]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Kudos dear friend. Kudos!
[Dan walks away]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Harry looking confused and shocked] Well, now I know what it feels like to live in a parallel universe.

Christine: [after buttoning her blouse after flashing him to help Judge Harry Stone win an arm-wrestling contest] You won't tell them, will you?
Otis: [Tipping his cowboy hat] Ma'am, where would I begin?

Judge Harry T. Stone: So, listen, V, excuse me for a minute.
VHK: Why?
Judge Harry T. Stone: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Dan: WHAT?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Mac, Roz, don't you feel the urge to go, too?
Court: Uh, yeah, I... I guess we do. Right Roz?
Rosalind: We were hoping you would ask.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Come on.
Christine: Um, do I have to go, too, sir?
Judge Harry T. Stone: No, you don't.
Christine: ou always know before I do.

Ernie: You know, Dan Fielding isn't his real name.
Judge Harry T. Stone: I know. We met his parents. I think it used to be Elmore.
Ernie: Oh, not just his last name, but his first name too. It used to be Reinhold.
Judge Harry T. Stone,78548: REINHOLD?

Joy: Sullivan!
Christine: Yes, right here!
Joy: Your phone messages!
Christine: Oh, thank you.
[takes them and stops]
Christine: Uh, excuse me, these are in Braille.
Joy: [takes them back and slaps her hand on the first one] Your father wants to know why you're avoiding him.
[crumples it and slaps the next one]
Joy: Your singles club canceled the hayride because everybody else thought it was stupid.
[crumples it and slaps the last one]
Joy: And some twerp named Rod phoned and said he can't wait to see his "Lammycakes" for some "smoochy-pie."
Christine: [embarrassed] Gee, thanks.

Christine: Okay. Okay I can say it now.
[Trying to stifle laughter]
Christine: Dan... you look like... a big penguin.
[laughs hysterically]
Judge Harry T. Stone: [to Mac] She is to comedy, what Roy Rogers is... to comedy.

Dan: This is Horace Jenkins, Your Honor. Assault with intent to commit bodily harm.
Hondo: What other kind is there?
Dan: Mr. Jenkins got into an argument with a patron at the Monte Carlo lounge, and attacked him with a blunt instrument, specifically, the manager.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [to Lana] I own every record Mel Tormé ever made.
[Lana just stares at him]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm going to marry the girl that's impressed by that.

Mr. Becker: How would like me to squeeze you til you pop?
Mr. Robbins: Psyco! Pervert!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Rolling his eyes] Awe the Poetry of the Streets.

Dan: [to Toni] When you think of this night... and you will... suffer.

Dr. Judith Malloy: Excuse me, Mr. Fielding.
[Speaks into microphone]
Dr. Judith Malloy: Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.
Dan: So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?
Dr. Judith Malloy: We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.
Dan: Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.
Dr. Judith Malloy: Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.
Dan: Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.
Dr. Judith Malloy: We call them subjects.
Dan: [Grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

[Harry emerges from his office, full of nudists]
Angela: [laughing] Oh, Your Honor, you're a card!
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Thank you, thank you very much!
[sees the others]
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: Sleeves.
Court: Come again?
Judge Harold T. "Harry" Stone: That's why there are no really great naked magicians.

[Yakov tries to run out of the courtroom but two guards pull their guns on him]
Yakov: No bang-bang!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [to the guards] You heard him. Get out.
[But they keep their guns pointed at Yakov and look at each other with puzzled looks]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Put the bang-bangs away and get out!

[swearing in a group of new citizens]
Judge: You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...
[confused murmur]
Judge: Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?
[more confused murmuring]
Judge: Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!
Clinton: I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's *kidding*?
Roz: It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.
Vega: God, he's good!

Buddy: [as Harry is about to take another drink] Hey Harry?
[Harry turns and sees Buddy and Nick at the window in Nick's convertible]
Buddy: Want a ride?
Judge Harry T. Stone: No thanks, Buddy, I'm covered.
[Is about to resume his drinking, but pauses and looks back. The window is clear. Harry dismisses what he thought he saw]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Nah.
Buddy: [yelling at Nick] Hey, look out for that flock of pigeons!

Public: You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.
Dan: It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.
Mac: Get out!
Dan: No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...
Bull: Like going to the bathroom.
[stares from everyone]
Bull: What?

Nostradamus: Hey Christine, how come your car was in the parking lot all night?
Dan: [Realization hits and he stares at Christine] You Boffed the Kid! I don't believe this! You mean all I had to do to get you, was to get arrested? You like the bad boy thing uh? Well I'm going to go slap a cop!
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ms. Sullivan I will see you in my office.
[He leaves the cafeteria angry]
Dan: OOO... Your going to get it now.
[Then looking her up and down]
Dan: But, then again, you already did, didn't you?
Nostradamus: Gee, I'm sorry I brought it up. I had no idea that overnight parking was such a no-no.

Dan: You're taking me back?
Vincent: Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.
[Dan looks gratified]
Vincent: But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!
Dan: GOD BLESS YOU!
[Dan hugs him, then leaves]
Vincent: I don't understand him.
Harry: Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Mac: Say, do you think the Yankees have a chance this season.
Mother: Not a prayer.
[She turns to leave. Then stops and looks back]
Mother: At least not mine.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [Smiling at Lana] Well good. Then Take your medicine, Take the night off, Go home and Go to bed.
[He takes the armadillo of her hands]
Public: [Just entering the office] Hey everybody.
Lana: [Taking the armadillo back stubbornly] I cannot do you any good in bed.
Public: [Shaking her head] No Man's going to buy that!
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Ignoring Liz and responding to Lana] Don't worry about me, I can take care of my self.
Public: [Shocked] He bought it.

Buddy: Mac, I got your message, what's up?
Mac: Well we're having a surprise party for Harry.
Buddy: That's funny, he didn't mention it.

Dan: Yeah okay, okay, I get the picture. And I even understand why you feel this way. I'm not saying there aren't differences. Socially she's a little... underprivileged. But when we're alone, I feel good. Very good. Relaxed, wanted, and accepted.

Moody: Your Honor, I've had a lot of experience with hostage situations. I think we should shut off the air conditioning, not let him have any food, then wait for negotiations to break down, and shoot him.

Judge Harry T. Stone: [after the six Rolling Rangerettes skate in] Well it's Wheel pleasure to meet you.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [the Courtroom Groans at the pun and Harry uses he gavel]
Judge Harry T. Stone: Ah give me a break, I had to work on a holiday.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How the hell do you lose a dead body?
Bull: He outsmarted me, sir.
Dan: I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Rosalind: [after Bull tells the story about losing his yo-yo] What have I told you about listening to inamate objects?

Dan: You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being? I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. She says "It's all right.
[long pause]
Dan: It's all right." And it IS.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Yes sir, the Road Runner here caused a Major Gridlock over most of Lower Manhatten, when it took him eight signal changes to cross Time Square.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Gee
[with a big smile at Mr. Danielson]
Judge Harry T. Stone: I bet you know all the Lastest Swear Words.

Judge Martin A. Landis: [after Dan's Testamoney] Does the Defense have any questions?
Harry: Not if I want to retain my citizenship.

Joy: Think about this, buzzhead. I may be blind, but I have needs, I have desires. And if those construction workers can be believed I have a bodacious booty!

Bailiff: Sir, can I use some of the petty cash to buy food for those bathing beauties?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Sure, how are they getting along?
Bailiff: Well, as far as I can tell... on looks alone.

[repeated line]
Buddy: ...but I'm feeling MUCH better now!

Benet: [exhausted] Dan, I can't do this!
Dan: You can!
Benet: I can't!
Dan: [thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.
Benet: [growls]
Officer: It's coming!
Dan: Lying there in his silk pajamas, with dozens of big-breasted women catering to his every whim...
Benet: [growls louder]
Officer: I can see a piece of shoulder!
Dan: Oh, is that...? Oh, look who's coming through the door, it's Bobby Riggs!
Benet: [screams in rage]
Officer: It's out!
Dan: *Yes*!
[Benet collapses in exhaustion and relief]

Harry: I'll see you in my office, Counselor.
Dan: Yes, sir.
[Harry rises, and Dan follows him out. Billie starts to follow them, but Dan turns]
Dan: I'd rather be raked over the coals alone, if you don't mind.

Rebecca: Dan I want to sleep with you.
Dan: [Covering up his shock with laughter] Couldn't we just get married?

Gynecologist: [to Harry] You really should be seen by a specialist. It's been years since I've...
Bailiff: Been with a man?

Mr. Robbins: At the proper pressure, my Gals are Indistructable. Might I demonstrate, Your Honor?
Judge Harry T. Stone: [Shrugging] Be my guest...
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Sir,
[watching Mr. Robbins blow up the sex doll]
Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Do you realize how long this is going to take
Judge Harry T. Stone: No.
[then with a sarcastic tone and big wide smile]
Judge Harry T. Stone: But, I BET You Do.
[Dan smile back just as widely]

Buddy: [Harry wakes from a nap to find he's been lying on Buddy's knee. Buddy just smiles at him] I didn't want to disturb you.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You did a real good job.
Buddy: [smiling] You're a fine-looking young man.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Thank you very much.
Judge Harry T. Stone: [long pause] Wanna know who the hell I am?

Christine: Oh, God... I'm going to be sick!
Rosalind: [pops open Dan's briefcase] Here, use this!
Dan: No, don't, that's my brief-
[turns away as Christine hurls into it]
Dan: CASE!
[Christine rushes away, mortified, while Roz closes the briefcase]
Dan: That briefcase cost me over two hundred dollars!
Rosalind: I can believe it. It's not leaking at all.

Harry: Listen, Judge Landis...
Judge Martin A. Landis: Shut up, I'm old, I can talk as long as I want.

Dan: [trapped in a motel room with a psychotic woman who acts out movie roles] What do you say we pop on the TV and watch a couple of movies, eh?
[he turns on the TV]
TV: : We'll return to "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"...
Dan: [changes the channel] Seen that already.
TV: : Tonight on Movie Showcase: "Dressed to Kill"...
Dan: [changes the channel] Where are the Muppets when you need them, huh?

Rosalind: [Christine hiccups] Girl, what have you been drinking?
Christine: [waving it off] Scotch. Don't worry, I do *not* have a problem with alcohol.
[she leaves the courtroom]
Rosalind: Where are you going?
Christine: To a bar on 4th Street!
Court: [to Roz] Probably one of those hormone things.

Judge Harry T. Stone: How are we gonna get the guy a visa?
Ludmila: He cannot have one, ever. I cannot ignore the law and let a possible subversive back into my country.
Judge Harry T. Stone: Oh, come on! We both know he's not a subversive! He's just some poor schlep who wants to go home and visit his mom!
Ludmila: What is meaning of "sch-lep"?
Judge Harry T. Stone: Well, uh, let's see. Uh... you remember Jimmy Carter?

Joy: Now listen, up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once. My name is Joy Buscaglia, I touch-type sixty words a minute, take dictation from transcription, and I'm fastest in the building at the Xerox machine - I don't have to close the lid. Now we're gonna have a few ground rules around here. One...
[bangs her cane against the desk]
Joy: We don't move the furniture around. Two: no sneaking up on me! And three: I don't like chit-chat. Do not ask how I am. I'M BLIND! That's how I am.

Al: Her coffee, my public likes to know that kind of stuff.
Judge Harry T. Stone: You public moves their lips when they read.

Judge Harry T. Stone: Listen, Dan is just using this as an excuse to hit on you.
Christine: I know that! But he saved my life, Your Honor, he rescued me...
Judge Harry T. Stone: [dramatically] From the jaws of death moments before an agonizing demise!

Nostradamus: [to Harry] I'm not leaving, sir. I consider it my bailiff's duty to protect you. Much like the nose hairs protect the mucus membrane from the staphylococci.

Detective: [after locating Bob at Christine's party] We're keeping him under protective custody. There's a fifty-thousand-dollar price tag on his head. Right now there's a professional hit man parked in a car across the street. A hit man who wouldn't mind at all splattering the brains of every person in this room until he got the guy he was after.
[goes to the table]
Detective: Is this bean dip for everybody?