Top 200 Quotes From Curb Your Enthusiasm

Richard: Nobody sits on Richard Lewis' toilet.

Larry: What kind of woman becomes a urologist anyway?
Seth: A very bright, enterprising woman who wants to make dicks and butts better

Michael: So Duberstein, that's a Jewish name right?
Leon: Yes it is! I was adopted by some lovely Jews.
Michael: And you were Bar Mitzvahed?
Leon: Oh yeah, three times! The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.
Michael: But I thought you only got Bar Mitzvahed once, you know, when you're 13 years old.
Leon: No, No, No-No, You misunderstood, it's once every thirteen years. You gotta recharge the Mitzva! So the Mitzvas are kinda full. Capacity! At full mitzva capacity!
Michael: So, tell me about the groats?
Leon: Well... Everything I ate tasted like peaches. And I forgot how to multiply. I could subtract, but I couldn't multiply. If I'm fucking 6 women 3 times a day, 7 days a week, how many times per week am I fucking? Was it 10? Was it 130? Was it 16? I was tripping out.
Michael: whew, that's some weird stuff.
Leon: You tellin' me. Danny Duberstein is good at two things - -that's math and fucking.

Larry: I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.
Fire: I'm sorry, what?
Larry: I knew that big penis was nothing but trouble.
Fire: Okay, I guess I heard what you said - I just don't know what you're talking about.

Richard: How could you not help a blind man?
Larry: How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?
Blind: Oh pleeeeeeease, don't...
Larry: You called him a blind man right in front of him.
Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...
Blind: Oh no, no, no no...
Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...
Blind: Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.
Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...
Blind: No no!
Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...
Blind: Oh really?
Larry: Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.
Blind: Ohhhhhh.
Richard: I do have problems! I had...
Larry: Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!
Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...
Blind: Yeah, right.
Larry: We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?

Cheryl: We're not having a sex offender over for dinner! No!... You need to call him and say no!
Larry: Cheryl... what would Jesus do?
Cheryl: Augh!
[walks away]

Jeff: Jeff Greene: Can I get you a drink?
Irma: Irma Kostroski: No, I don't drink. I'm in recovery, as Larry knows. I have a terrible relationship with alcohol. I was a horrible person. I was blacking-out in council meetings. And then my personal low: I woke up, I was 50 miles outside of Bakersfield with no pants on and a casino chip in my hand, and I had no idea how I got there. That's when I realized I had to get help, so I'm in the program, which is just fantastic. And I had to acknowledge that there's a higher power. You have to give yourself over. Uh, I had a sponsor. I had four Steves and one Eric. And I have to go. I have to go and mingle out there, but I thank you for asking. God bless you Jeff for caring and asking. If you ever get into the situation... But thank you. Thank you! God bless! God bless!

Susie: What is that, Lar?
Larry: [hands Susie bread] Enjoy.
Susie: This is what you bring?
Larry: It's Italian bread.
Susie: Yeah but this doesn't go with my menu. You don't know what I'm serving. Don't impose your desires on my whole cuisine!

Marty: Rabbi Stein said that I can't play in the golf tournament Saturday because I have to honor the Sabbath
Larry: You're Koufaxing us?

Christian: It's good you're here to patrol the hors d'oeuvres area.

[Larry is buying marijuana for his father's glaucoma]
Drug: I can get you an ounce of, you know, some real hydroponic, scientific stuff, but that'll run you five hundred bucks.
Larry: Hydroponic?
Drug: Yeah.
Larry: I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend.

Jeff: [referring to Larry] He's a victim of circumstance.

Larry: OK... Wanda...
Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, okay. Thought I had to turn around and show you my big ass.
Larry: You completely, completely misinterpreted that...
Wanda: Completely what?
Larry: I didn't say you had a big ass.
Wanda: How am I supposed to take that? You yelled out "Hey, Big Ass Wanda!"
Larry: No, I didn't say "big ass". I was just saying hello! I was just trying...
Wanda: Is *that* how you say "hello"?
Larry: Uh, well...
Wanda: Is that
[waving]
Wanda: "Hey, Big Ass!" Or "Hey, Assy!" "Hey, I know your ass!" What is that? That's not how you say hello, is it?
Larry: Perhaps not.
Wanda: So something about my ass has made you download it and store it in your memory.
Larry: No, no, that's not so.
Cheryl: [under her breath] Oh, brother.
Wanda: [to Cheryl] What is wrong with this man?
Cheryl: I don't know. We were just having this discussion.
Wanda: Did you tell him how wrong it is to even say something like that?
Cheryl: Yeah! Believe me, I told him.
Wanda: You know, a woman's ass is very personal.
Cheryl: I didn't know he was so obsessed with asses until today.
Larry: What? What are you saying?
Wanda: This man... you know what? You have an ass man. Larry, you are an ass man.
Larry: I am not an ass man!
Wanda: [pointing at Larry] You are an ass man.
Cheryl: He's got some sort of fetish that I didn't even know about.
Larry: What? A fetish? Hey, I don't have any ass fetish, okay? Let me get that straight.
Cheryl: He's obsessed with asses. I'm just finding that out.
Larry: Obsessed with asses? I am not obsessed with asses.
Wanda: OK, assy. And what is that, that shit all over you? What you been doing, scrounging around looking for asses? All under the bleachers and stuff, "oh, where's the ass?"

Larry: [Larry wore a bowtie to a formal dinner party] Excuse me... excuse me! Can you guys keep it down a little bit? We can't hear the waiter, and we're trying to order.
Loud: [incredulously] Keep it *down*?
Larry: We're trying to hear the waiter.
Loud: Man, I'm trying to have a good time with my family over here, we're trying... you know what I mean? Not keepin' it down...
[turning to his table sarcastically]
Loud: I'm sorry, we need to keep it down for Tucker Carlson over here.

Valentina: Thanks
[unenthusiastic]
Ernst: Thank you
[equally unenthusiastic]
Larry: All right. I see where you got your tepid "thank yous" from. That was worse than your "thank you".
Lin: That seemed like a perfectly appropriate "thank you" to me.
Larry: Oh, did it? Really? What is it with you Mirandas? You're missing some kind of "thank you" gene or something?

Krazee: You ain't got no etiquette, motherfucker!

Shara: [Dirty talk while having sex with Larry David] Fuck me you fucking Jew! You Zionist pig. You occupying fuck. Occupy this. I'm going to going to fuck the Jew out of you. You want to fuck me like Israel fucks my country? Fuck me you Jew bastard! Fuck me like Israel fucks my people! Show me the promised land. You circumcised fuck!

Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting down?
Larry: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff: What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Jeff: Twenty times?
Larry: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
Jeff: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?

Colby: [at dinner with the survivors] So, here we are in a region of Australia where, out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of 'em inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a taipan on the trail, you get bit, you're dead in thirty minutes flat.
Solly: Oy, I'll tell you, that's a very interesting story, let me tell you. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!
Colby: Look, I'm saying- I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive and we had very little rations, no snacks...
Solly: Snacks? What you talking, "snacks"? We didn't eat sometimes for a week! For a month! We ate nothing!...
Colby: I couldn't even work out when I was over there. They certainly didn't have a gym.
Solly: A *what*?
Colby: I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I got a pair of flip-flops!
Solly: Flip-flops!
Colby: We sleep on the ground, on the dirt, okay? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98 percent humidity!
Solly: 45 degrees below zero!
Colby: Did you guys have a bathroom?
Solly: A bathroom? We had twelve people at a time would go and shit...!
Colby: Well, I'm sure you had toilet paper.
Solly: We had newspaper!
Colby: We had mosquitos.
Solly: Mosquito? You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?
Colby: Have you even seen the show?
Solly: Did you ever see *our* show? It was called the Holocaust!

Larry: [after Krazee-Eyez finds him the jacket he needs for a movie] Are you my Caucasian?

Man: [Larry skips a line of men to use a bathroom handicap stall] Hey, whaddya think you're doing?
Larry: I'm g-g-g-g-going to the b-b-b-b-ba-ba-bathroom!
Man: I don't think so, that's a handicap stall.
Larry: I have a s-s-s-s-s-s-stutter, you p-p-p-p-p-p-pricks!
[All the men in line yell at Larry angrily]
Larry: All right, fine, okay.
[leaves the bathroom]

Laverne: [Larry has asked Laverne to introduce him as a renaissance man who can speak 6 languages] So you want me to get on stage at a charity and lie?
Larry: No, you just say these things. It will impress them.
Laverne: You want to impress people with lies?
Larry: Well, how else do you impress them?

Larry: [to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?

Susie: [Larry steals the head of a doll from Jeff's daughter's collection] You fat fuck! And you bald piece of shit! Where's the fucking head?

Larry: I'm calling the police!
Restaurant: Oh, let's call the police! A bald man steal umbrella! Yes, let's report!

Leon: Freddy's shirt is fucked.

[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it]
Larry: [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Okay, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.
[People are ignoring him]
Larry: I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Marty: [Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'

Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew.
Larry: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Wandering: I've come to collect my money.
Susie: You know what, Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already, okay!
Wandering: Hey, you don't need to talk like that. You're a better person than that.
Larry: No, she's not.

Larry: Well I didn't know it was going to be felony or treat!

[first lines]
Larry: Cheryl, come here for a second.

Larry: [Larry is interviewing for the chef's position, and points to the bald chef's pate approvingly] Yeah. Yeah! Hey, hey, look at you, look at you!
Bald: Yeah, look at you!
Larry: When did you start losing it?
Bald: Uh, I started losing when I was fifteen.
Larry: Fifteen, wow, earlier than me, yeah.
Bald: Yeah, a little bit earlier. You know, I actually like it.
Larry: Ah. Yeah. Me too.
Bald: Just put a little sunscreen on, it's fine.
Larry: Yeah, a lot of sunscreen, right? Can't go outside without the sunscreen. No convertibles.
Bald: No convertibles!
Larry: Oh, God, I hate that!
Bald: Absolutely. Because you have to wear a hat, if you're going to be in a convertible, and then you look like you're trying to hide something.
Larry: Oh, well, that's what they do, these guys with the hats, don't they? They wear it all the time, and they'll meet a girl or something and then they'll show up on a date, what are they gonna do? They gonna take the hat off? They have a terrible decision to make...
Bald: Right, right, and then the girl's gonna be like, "I didn't know you were bald."
Larry: Yeah, yeah. "You misrepresented yourself!"
Bald: Exactly. "You're a liar!"
Larry: Minoxidil?
Bald: No. You?
Larry: No.
Bald: Every day for the rest of your life you have to...
Larry: Oh my God the drops and everything? I ain't gonna do that...
Bald: ...and then they gotta massage it in.
Larry: ...it's crazy, yeah. Ugh.
Bald: There's something psychologically going wrong with them...
Larry: Psychologically wrong with THEM? What about the transplant people?
Bald: Oh! I hate those people.
Larry: Toupee? Hmm?
Bald: No.
Larry: [skeptically] Huh?
Bald: Oh, no. Absolutely not!
Larry: Those guys, they should kill those guys.
Bald: Exactly.
Larry: I'm surprised Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Bald: Yeah?
Larry: I mean if I'm going to be a sick megalomaniac, to round up people who I hated, they would be on my list. I would say, "Get, get the toupee people."
Bald: Absolutely.
Larry: I'd have my henchmen going around, tugging at people's hair; if it comes off...
Bald: [German accent] "BALDEN! Come with me!" Yeah.
Larry: [German accent] "... ACH! Balden!"

Christina: [at dinner] Did you know that spicy food makes a man's cum taste delicious?
Larry: I did not know that.
[douses his food with hot sauce]

Thor: Hey jabroni, open the window!
Larry: [rolling down the car window] I'm-I'm-I'm, I'm awfully sorry...
Thor: I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared half to death because some bald-headed TURD is shooting at them.
Larry: No, sir, we were, we were playing "Cowboys And Indians".
Thor: Hey, you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be goin' crazy with violence!
Larry: No, I'm not a violent...
Thor: Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb-appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?
Larry: Yes sir.
Thor: Don't you ever... *ever*... EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off and shove it right up your sphincter. You hear me?
Larry: Yes sir.

Jeff: [after Larry said he didn't want to take a tour of Suzie and Jeff's new house] I don't want to make a big deal out of this. I am just going to mention it and that's it... It wouldn't have killed you to have taken the house tour.
Larry: I feel very queer taking house tours.
Jeff: What queer? My wife shows you the house...
Larry: I gotta march up and down the house going,
[in a gay voice]
Larry: "Oh it's nice, it's nice..."
Jeff: Did you have to go somewhere?
Larry: No.
Jeff: Alright, you know what then...
Larry: [in the gay voice again] "Oh, that looks good. Hey look at that closet! Oh ho hey, very nice beams up there. I like those beams, yeah. What's the name of that architect?"
Jeff: [sighs]
Larry: [takes a sip of coffee] Good coffee.

Krazee: Motherfucker, what the fuck?

[while ordering coffee at Starbucks]
Larry: I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.

Larry: Can't a motherfucker live a life?
Leon: Sometimes, no.

Larry: [explaining to his girlfriend's seven-year-old son, Greg, who Adolf Hitler was] He didn't - he didn't really care for Jews. He thought they were a bit much.
Greg: [gasps] I would kick his butt.
Larry: Would you!
Greg: Yes.
Larry: Good for you.
[pointing to the next room]
Larry: What's that - what are you watching in there?
Greg: "Project Runway." Good show.
Larry: And what do you like about it?
Greg: [very flamboyantly] The fashion! It's, like, the best show ever!
Larry: You like fashion?
Greg: Yes. I do.
Larry: [processing this] Hmm.
Greg: [pointing to a swastika Larry doodled] Ooh! What's that right there?
Larry: Oh, that's called a, uh, swastika.
Greg: [illustrating with arm motions] I like how the lines just go straight and then up and then down and then straight and then up and then down. It's *beautiful.* My birthday's coming up in a week, so - can you get me one?
Larry: A swastika?
Greg: Yeah.
Larry: I - I don't know, Greg, I'll have to think about that.
Greg: They should start selling them in every gift shop in New York City.
Larry: Yeah, I don't think Jews would like that.
Greg: [cheerfully] Get a life, Jews!

Gil: You know what tabasco's good for? Keep you hard. Yeah. Only you gotta stick it up your ass. I'll tell you how I find out about that... I was doing a scene and it was supposed to be a two girl scene, right?
[to Cheryl]
Gil: You mind if I, uh... you don't mind?...
Cheryl: [uncomfortably] Oh... your house...
Gil: I mean, you guys have heard half these stories, you guys are all right... so I'm doing this scene, it's supposed to be two girls, and I keep waiting, we keep waiting for the other girl to show up, and I'm fucking this girl for three hours...
[all the guests laugh except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: ...mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, pounding, pounding, for hours and hours and hours, and then all of a sudden after a couple hours, it feels like some chick's teabagging me, right?
Gil's: [referring to Cheryl] Yeah, you should fill her in on teabagging, though. I'm sure she'd... maybe you do, maybe you don't...
Gil: You know what teabagging is? When a woman sucks your balls, she's teabagging you...
Gil's: Or a man...
Gil: But um... so I feel that and I think that other girl's shown up. And then I feel her fingers on my balls, and I'm not even looking, I'm just so... I'm half asleep. But I turn around, it's not the girl, it is the biggest crew guy we got is playing with my balls!
[all are laughing except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: And my wood starts going down, you know? And I haven't even shot yet! And, and, and I go, "I'm going down, going down!" And this guy goes "I'll take care of it." He runs over to the craft service table, he comes back, his finger is red. STICKS it up my ass, TABASCO sauce, YOWWW!
[all roaring with laughter except Larry and Cheryl]
Gil: And I stayed hard for another two hours, because all the blood just goes... ohhhh...
Gil's: I've been begging him to let us use it.
Gil: I was renowned for being able to stay hard, for hours. That's what I could do. I wasn't the biggest, right, but I could stay hard the longest.
Gil's: OK, everyone, let's have a little dessert, everyone please in the other room, bring your glasses, but leave your plates, please do not touch your plates.
[all the guests depart except Larry and a disgusted-looking Cheryl]
Cheryl: [emphatically] I want to go home, *now*.
Larry: Maybe we could stop and pick up some tabasco.

Irma: I'm still mad at you! So mad! So disappointed!
Larry: Everybody's disappointed with me at some point.

Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?
Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.
Larry: Yeah, okay.
Richard: You better call me by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?

Larry: Whoa, I don't understand, what's going on here? I came in before her, I signed in the sheet.
Nurse: Well, you'll be happy to know they've changed policy.
Larry: Changed policies...?
Nurse: Now we see people on the basis of their appointment time and not their arrival time.
Larry: But that's ridiculous. One person complains and all of a sudden everything gets changed?
Nurse: This was based on your idea the other day.
Larry: I know, but what are you listening to me for? I don't know what I'm talking about. Nobody ever listens to me.
Nurse: So apparently, it's not about the policy at all. It's more about you going first?
Larry: Exactly!
Nurse: So if you go first, whatever policy... .
Larry: That's a good policy, "me first", that's the policy.

Omar: ...Muslims are very forgiving people.
Larry: They are?
Omar: Yes, we are. We're very forgiving.
Larry: Wh-what?
Omar: Well, it's true.
Larry: There's a lot of meshugena Muslims out running around, are there not?

Larry: Instead of saying nothing they should have just lied to us. Lying is a gesture. It's a courtesy. Lying is a show of respect.

Larry: What are you looking at me like that for?
Richard: Because I've never been married, and I think I'm in love, and I think you might have ruined this for me.
Larry: Come on, 'ruined it'. If I did, I did you a favor, by the way.
Richard: That's... that's one of the most insensitive things that you've ever said...
Larry: I don't think it's insensitive, I think it's sensitive. I think it's sensitive. I do.
Richard: Let me tell you something. This is a woman who knows seven languages, she's very sweet,
[Larry looks away]
Richard: I'm taking a leak, the movie's about to start... look at me! Can you look at me, can you respect me? I drove down here in rush hour, can you at least look at me? And those seats are like this...
Larry: She didn't make any effort.
Richard: ...she tried...
Larry: She didn't try...
Richard: ...and you went, 'DO YOU MIND? CAN'T YOU MOVE?'
Larry: No, no... no, no...
Richard: And then, here's the coup de grace, you looked at her breasts!
Larry: No, no, no, I didn't look at her breasts.
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
Larry: First of all, those are not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, OK? They're not breasts.
Richard: How do you know they're fake?
Larry: I can take a guess.
Richard: OK, so maybe they are fake, what's the big deal?
Larry: Nothing, don't call them breasts. They're not breasts.

Wanda: Sheriff? That's a perfect name for a racist dog.

Susie: And I'm not a meeskite, you bald fuck!

Shara: Talk dirty to me, Larry. Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam!
Larry: Donald Trump! Steve Bannon! Jared Kushner. Mike Pence! Kellyanne Conway! Mitch McConnell! Rudy Giuliani!

Larry: That shish-kebab, the whole night I couldn't get rid of it.
Ben: Uh, yeah. I have a scratched retina.
Larry: Oh.

Michael J. Fox: I'll be back in two shakes.

Larry: Are you fuckin' nuts?

Jeff: What's with the hat?
Larry: What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Krazee: Wanda ain't gon' find out shit! This between... you my nigga, right? This between me and you!
Larry: Yes, I'm your nigger.

Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
Jeff: You don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication!

Ben: You wouldn't even shake my hand the first time we met...
Larry: You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand!
Ben: That was a dry sneeze, Larry!
Larry: I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet!

[Michael has given David a bottle of orange soda that he shook due to his Parkinson's; Larry opens the bottle and gets soaked as a result]
Larry: [as he gets soaked] Jesus Christ! What the hell? Did you shake that up on purpose?
Michael J. Fox: [nonchalantly] Parkinson's.

Police: Did they threaten you in any way? Did you see weapons of any kind?
Larry: No, no, there was no threat, except for the trick threat.
Police: What's the trick threat?
Larry: Well, the trick, or treat. No treat. TRICK!

Auntie: Fuck you, Larry David! That's some bullshit!

Krazee: [rapping] So you think you're gonna cross me And mess with my shit? Openin' your fuckin' trap And flappin' your lip? Don't fuck with me, nigga Cause you're gonna get dropped I'll snap off your neck With a crackle and pop!
Larry: That's good. I like that Rice Krispies thing.
Krazee: Oh you caught that? How about this.
[rapping]
Krazee: If you say anything You'll beg me to die Cause I'll make you suck my dick Then I'll nut in your eye I'll stomp on your world As if my name was Godzilla I'm comin' for you, motha-fucka, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa!
[end rap]
Krazee: and then I'll look like this on the album
[looks crazy]
Larry: I like it. But can I make one suggestion. How about lose the motherfucker. Cause you already said fuck before, you don't need two fucks. Instead how about bitch. Cause bitch is like a word for someone you disrespect.

Larry: [about Lesbians] I'm their biggest supporter!
Marty: You're their biggest supporter?
Larry: Yeah.
Marty: Well, then they're in a lot of trouble.

Richard: Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?
Larry: I can't.
Richard: Why not?
Larry: I've been auctioned off for some charity.
Richard: What is this, "Roots"?

Larry: Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have this stop-and-chat with her both before I go and after I go. You know, it's too much.
Richard: She means well. By the way, she told me that you go to the bathroom like ten to fourteen times a day. You move your bowels, you piss... Are you alright? She was concerned.
Larry: Alright, you see what I'm saying? This is what I'm talking about. This is none of her business! How often I go to the bathroom, what I'm doing in there, how long I'm in there, talking to you about my personal bathroom habits! That's not good, alright? It's too much! It's too much.
Richard: But someone's gonna sit there. What, would you rather have a klansman sitting there?
Larry: No, I would rather have a stranger, frankly! A stranger sitting there who I don't have to report in to.
Richard: She cares about you.
Larry: Oh, she cares about me?
Richard: Yeah.
Larry: Listen, it's none of her business...
Richard: She has bowel concern for you and I do too!
Larry: I don't need her bowel concern! I drink a lot of water, that's all. I drink a lot of water. Big deal.
Richard: A lot of water? You drink more than a porpoise. No one pisses that often without drinking like thousands of gallons a week.
Larry: Alright, let's stop talking about this. My bathroom habits are not your concern, okay?
Richard: Alright then I won't care about your health. Fine.
Larry: You don't need to care about- I'm in very good health! I got a beautiful colon! You wanna take a picture of my colon?
Richard: I have a VHS of mine!
Larry: Fine, fine, you can put my colon up next to your colon! We'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon!
Richard: I'll have a colon contest with you any time you want!
Larry: Any time you wanna have a colon contest, buddy!
Richard: You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!
Larry: Get the hell out of here! This is ridiculous!
Richard: She's right next to you, she's...
Larry: I DON'T WANT HER MONITORING MY BATHROOM HABITS, OKAY?
Richard: I mean, what are you eating? A lot of grains and fruits and nuts? You're like a Jew squirrel.

Larry: [Larry's house has been spray painted by trick-or-treaters he has offended and he's reporting it to cops] They don't deserve candy and I don't deserve this: "Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime!

Cheryl: [to Larry] I am glad you're here.
Larry: Are you? I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth.

Larry: Thanks so much for stopping. Man oh man, I've been so lost, I mean I've been driving around for a half hour here, I'm just trying to get back to, um, to the freeway, to L.A...
Brian: You don't recognize me, do you?
Larry: No...
Brian: From the driving range, the other day? You're the, uh, you're the guy from the driving range. I was right behind you on the range...
Larry: Oh, right! Right! Wow!
Brian: ...right, and you wouldn't help me out with the ball? The range ball, it fell and you wouldn't help me out with the ball...
Larry: The ball? Oh, no no no... you know what? My back was killing me that day, I couldn't bend down.
Brian: Oh, your back was... I didn't pick up on that because you were hitting the ball so well, you were swinging great...
Larry: No, that's *twisting*. I could twist, I couldn't bend.
Brian: Ohh, ah, OK, right... difference, yeah. Two different things.
Larry: It's a *big* difference, really. Oh my God, you must have thought I was such an asshole.
Brian: Well I... you know, I didn't know why you wouldn't help me with the ball.
Larry: Oh god, what kind of prick doesn't pick up somebody's ball.
Brian: I thought you could help out a little bit, but... I understand.
Larry: You know what, I would have picked up the ball in a second if I could bend down.
Brian: It's your back, it was your back, right.
Larry: Completely. I'm sorry. I apologize.
Brian: Sure. No, I understand, I understand. It's OK, it's alright.
Larry: Wait a second... are you going to Gil's party?
Brian: Yeah that's why I'm... you know Gil? Oh, from the club, you must know Gil? I'm old friends with Gil, yeah, we... buddies for a long time.
Larry: So, uh, can I follow you over there?
Brian: Should you be going to the party with your back? I mean, can you bend over, can you bend with your back?
Larry: [warily] Yeah...
Brian: Well then maybe you should just bend over and kiss my ass, and maybe next time you'll remember to uh, pick up the fucking golf ball.

Susie: [after Larry gets them kicked out of their country club, Cheryl suggests a new one] All right. I don't want to offend you, but there's like three fucking Jews in that whole club. OK? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city.
[points to Larry]
Susie: This one would stick out like a sore fucking thumb. This Jew face over here.

Nancy: That's not what it looked like! That was flopping. This was not flopping - there was something hard in there, and it was your fucking dick.

[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]
Larry: Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.
Blind: I think it is.
Larry: What?
Blind: Pretty much.
Larry: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.
Blind: Who?
Larry: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!
Blind: I don't even know what red is.
Larry: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.

Cheryl: Actually, this weekend is the big NRDC benefit we've been working on for months, Alanis Morisette is going to be there...
Wanda: Why don't we just call the terrorists and ask them to pick a weekend more suitable for you?

Richard: [Talking to Larry while he shops for a cellphone] . You know, um, I found my soulmate. Not only do I think I'm in love with her, but I think I found the right one.
Larry: Really?
Richard: Yeah, Deborah. It's only a couple of months, I mean you know, it could go south, but I don't think it will because she's...
Larry: Why would it?
Richard: Well, why has it, for my whole life, but she, I think...
Larry: This is the one. Is this the one?
Richard: [Looking at the cellphone in Larry's hand] . No, no that's not good.
Larry: No, I meant Deborah.
Richard: Oh, yeah, it's more... it's like I love her soul...
Larry: Mmm Hmm. Her soul.
Richard: It's not just like it used to be for me, like a trophy...
Larry: Not looks anymore? She's attractive?
Richard: No, she IS attractive.
Larry: You don't care about that.
Richard: One of the things... the only downside...
Larry: [Talking about the cellphone] . What do you think of this color?
Richard: Too flashy. She's a Christian Scientist.
Larry: What? A Christian Scientist?
Richard: She's a Christian Scientist, and it's...
Larry: Oh dear.
Richard: Did you just say Oh Dear?
Larry: Yeah.
Richard: I don't think you've ever said that in you entire life.
Larry: No one's ever told me they were dating a Christian Scientist before; I've been saving it.

Krazee: So you think you gonna cross me and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop. If you say anything, you'll beg me to die, 'cause I'll make you suck my dick then I'll nut in your eye. I'll stomp on your world as if my name was Godzilla. I'm coming for you mother fucker, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa.

Larry: This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is?
Tara: No, what's that?
Larry: Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry: I think you took the ball, stashed in your unusually large vagina, and marched right out of here.

Larry: What's more beautiful than castrated boys singing?

Larry: I am not obsessed with asses.
Wanda: Okay, assy. And what is all that shit all over your shirt? You been scrounging around, looking for ass?

Larry: Pee before you leave, that's my credo.
Jeff: It's a good credo.

Jeff: [Larry walks out of the restaurant as Jeff runs up to him] Larry! A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father!
Larry: You sat down, you layed it out...
Jeff: I talked to her! I told her, daddy's sick! He can't in the same house as Oscar, she wants Oscar! She wants the dog!
Larry: Okay, c-calm down...
Jeff: Where is the dog?
Larry: They took him back-to- to your house.
Jeff: My house? No, no. His house! It's his house! I'm at the W hotel. It's his house now!
Larry: By the way, they turned up a bra today. There's no corpse.
Jeff: [taken aback] A bra?
Larry: Yeah. That...
Jeff: A bra- What the fuck is wrong with that dog?
Larry: [chuckles] He's a bra sniffing dog.
Jeff: A bra sniffing dog? What the fuck!
Larry: So they're closing us down for three weeks now.
Jeff: Because of a bra?
Larry: Yeah, they dug up the whole place in there...
Jeff: [furious] That fucking dog!
Larry: Hey, calm down.
Jeff: No!
Larry: Calm down!
[laughs]

Larry: Instead of going in and ordering a "Ted Danson" people go in ordering a "Larry David". What's the difference?
Ted: One tastes good, one sucks!

Richard: What are you guys doing?
Larry: Jon's starring in a movie. And the character is based on me, so he's kind of shadowing me.
Richard: What's the name of the movie? The Biggest Asshole That Ever Roamed the Earth?

Marty: [expressing astonishment after meeting Larry David and Shara just after they had very loud sex] "Fuck me, Jew bastard"?
Larry: Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex I've ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.
Marty: When did you have your orgasm? When she said she'd fuck the Jew outta you?
Larry: Hey, lemme tell you something. The penis doesn't care about race, creed, and color. The penis wants to get to his homeland. It wants to go home!

Larry: Apparently, no one wants to have anything to do with me because of the Shaq thing.
Cheryl: That's... kinda sad.
Larry: What, are you kidding?

Cheryl: Wanda, I have something terrible to tell you. Krazee-Eyes is cheating on you.
Wanda: What? How do you know?
Cheryl: Larry told me.
Wanda: That son of a bitch. I'm gonna find him and kick his ass.
Cheryl: Are you going to tell him that Larry said it?
Wanda: You goddamn right I am!

Cheryl: By the way, why did you tell Wanda she has a big ass?
Larry: I didn't tell Wanda she had a big ass.
Cheryl: She just called me and told me.
Larry: I didn't say she had a big ass, OK? I yelled out the window and I said "I'd know that tush anywhere." That's all I said.
Cheryl: Why would you do that? Why would you even comment about her ass?
Larry: Why, what's the big deal?
Cheryl: Because you might as well just call out and say, "Hey, you got a really big ass." It's the same thing.
Larry: It was just a friendly remark, that's all.
Cheryl: That's a friendly remark?
Larry: Yeah, I was just being nice! I was being nice and chummy!
Cheryl: You don't yell a comment about a woman's ass. There's only one way to take it.
Larry: No, no. If she had a small ass I could have said "I'd know that tush anywhere." So what?
Cheryl: You shouldn't say anything at all. You know, you just shouldn't talk about it.
Larry: Anyway, why, what's the big deal? What if I did say she has a big ass? So what? That's not so terrible. What's the matter with a big ass? I like big asses, there's no problem.
Cheryl: [laughs sardonically] You like big asses?
Larry: I don't mind a big ass. I mean, no, not necessarily big...
Cheryl: [getting mad] No no no, no, this is interesting. You love big asses?
Larry: No, I don't love big asses!
Cheryl: How big do you like them?
Larry: I like them just the regular, I like them just like yours, okay?
Cheryl: Oh-hoh!...
Larry: That's how I like 'em.
Cheryl: ...because mine is, uh, REALLY BIG and I like 'em big!
Larry: No, it's not really big. It's not. It's a good size.
Cheryl: That's what you just said, you just said "I love big asses and I like yours!"
Larry: [stammering] No, I said I don't mind 'em. I like your... yeah, I like, you know, uh...
Cheryl: Ah, you see? There are a lot of things about you that I don't know
Larry: NO! There's nothing about me! You're not finding anything... you think you're finding out something?
Cheryl: Yeah, I didn't even know you have this... ASS fetish.
Larry: Don't say I have... I don't have an ass fetish!
Cheryl: No no, this is very kinky. It's like all this stuff is unfolding now.

Marty: [Marty's 17 year old nephew has a broken arm] He can't masturbate! He can't make it come out!
Larry: He can't go left?
Marty: No, he can't go to his left. Can you go to your left?
Larry: Nah, nobody can.
Marty: No one can.
Larry: It's funny, though, there's other things I can do lefty. I can eat lefty, I can brush my teeth lefty...
Marty: There's a big difference. You need rotation! You need tempo! You need feel! I don't know what's going to happen because he can't concentrate anymore.

Cheryl: [during the orgy of cursing has broken out] Ya goddamn motherfucking bitch!
Susie: [Susie, misinterpreting Cheryl's words for her] FUCK YOU, ya car-wash cunt! I had a dental appointment!
[leaves angrily]

Ted: I'll call you when I land.
Cheryl: Okay
Larry: You don't need to call her when you land. If there's a plane crash we'll know about it.

Jeff: [Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.
Larry: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.

Larry: I was here literally, but not figuratively!

Richard: Listen, Saturday night, do me a favor. I love you, all right? We have enough good stuff in the bank to get over this. But Saturday night, at dinner, could we maybe, maybe try to have an apology from you?
Larry: First of all, there's no way I can have dinner with you on Saturday night. That's out.
Richard: Hold it... am I hearing this?
Larry: I'm not... have dinner? Dinner?
Richard: You know, our relationship's at stake right now.
Larry: Huh?
Richard: The relationship's at stake.
Larry: Get outta here!
Richard: You better call me later on, by sundown.
Larry: By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper, by sundown?
Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm trying not to laugh, but that's funny. You better call me by sundown.
Larry: By sundown? Is the posse gonna come get me?
Richard: That's right.

[Larry accidentally eats decorative manger scene cookies]
Becky: You ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
Larry: I thought they were animal cookies.
Cheryl's: Animal Cookies? What, are you kidding me?
Becky: Jesus Christ is not an animal.
Larry: I thought he was a monkey.
Cheryl's: A monkey? Oh, please.
Cheryl's: Larry, have you no shame?
Becky: The Son of God is not a monkey, Larry.

Larry: Nice house.
Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.
Larry: Naw, it's ok.
Susie: No, come on.
Larry: No, it's ok. I-I get it.
Susie: You get it?
Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.
Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry.

Stan's: He's been running around town like a blue ass fly

Cheryl's: This is a nail. I bought this on the internet; it's from "The Passion Of The Christ".
Larry: What are you, kidding?
Cheryl's: No. Kind of interesting...
Larry: Is that one of those Christ nails from the movie?
Cheryl's: Mm-hmm, yeah. Have you seen it?
Larry: [patronizingly] I *didn't* see it. I *missed* "The Passion Of The Christ"...
Cheryl's: Alright, you must... we have it on DVD...
Larry: *Wish* I could have gone.
Cheryl's: They have all kinds of things on the internet, you know, for "The Passion Of The Christ".
Larry: You're nuts about this Jesus guy, aren't you?
Cheryl's: Yeah. Well, I have a personal relationship with Christ.
Larry: Really? See, I could see worshipping Jesus if he were a girl, like if God had a daughter... Jane. I'll worship a Jane. But, you know, to worship a guy... like a little kinda, you know, it's a little gay, isn't it?
Cheryl: Uh, okay.
Cheryl's: The Son of God! What's the matter with you?
Cheryl: Dad...
Larry: No, I'm just saying, a girl...
Cheryl: Larry...
Larry: I would worship Jane, if he had a daughter Jane, I could have a relationship with a Jane.
Cheryl's: He didn't have a daughter!
Larry: It's a shame it wasn't a girl. That's all I have to say.
Cheryl's: [disgusted] Uh!
Larry: Good looking... zaftig... good sense of humor...
Cheryl: [exasperated] *Okay*, that's fine.
Larry: ...if he had a daughter, everybody, EVERYBODY would worship Jane. That's all I'm saying.

Leon: You tried to put a noodle in a woman? Women hate that, man.
Larry: That's a remarkably idiotic thing that you just said. But you know, the fact that you're wearing glasses, I perceive it as a little less idiotic than I normally would.

Larry: See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing - you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here, in case they want to burn down the house.

Cheryl: I'm impressed that you even realized what a nice gesture this is.
Larry: Well you know, I'm apologizing to people all the time, telling people I'm sorry. I know when I've done something wrong I'm not afraid to apologize. Most people I have to say, my mother always used to tell me this, 'Most people are not like you Larry. Most people are not like you. You're special.' You know, everybody's not like me.
Cheryl: No, they're not.

Mocha: [after tasting Larry's coffee] Son of a bitch! That's good! He's got the beans!

Man: I don't have your ticket.
Larry: Yeah, right, yeah.
Man: I have my *own* ticket.
Larry: Yeah, oh, of course you do.
Man: It's a bereavement fare. My mother's dead.
Larry: Yeah, right, okay, yeah. I'd like to take a look at it, okay? Yeah. It's your ticket... right?
Man: You wanna see my ticket?
Larry: Yeah, I do! Yeah.
Man: Okay, you wanna see?
Larry: Yeah, I do, yeah.
Man: Okay, you wanna see? Let's take a look, alright? Shall we?
Larry: Let's take a look! Yeah! Yeah!
Man: What's the name written right here? Is it your name? No, it's mine: Chris Darga. See, if this were *yours*, it would say: Fucking Douchebag. Asshole.
Larry: Sorry... about your mother.

Larry: Cheryl has... you know, she's an environmentalist. She has this recycled post-consumer toilet paper all over the house.
Richard: Oh!
Larry: It's coarse. It's like going to the Port Authority... or a whaling vessel!
Richard: A WHALING VESSEL?

Marty: [referring to his lesbian daughter's new boyfriend] I said, "Dan, this is Larry David." Then I left you.
Larry: And I said "Hi", I said "Hello." I said "Hi Dan"...
Marty: Yeah... yeah... yeah, what else?
Larry: You know, little small talk, "how, how you doin', where you from" and all that...
Marty: That's it?
Larry: ...and then what did I say, I said, "It must be hard, as a guy, to follow..."
Marty: Why didn't you just say, "Hello, Dan. I'm Larry. Nice to meet you."
Larry: I said that. I said "hi" and then I said that.
Marty: What is wrong with you?
Larry: Problem?
Marty: Yeah, problem! Now she's back with a woman!
Larry: [referring to the lesbian patrons in the restaurant] No wonder why they're all being so nice to me in there! They're all smiling at me. Of course, it makes perfect sense.
Marty: I want to say something else - you left my party before dessert! How can you do that? It's not proper etiquette.
Larry: I don't subscribe to the "wait for dessert" rule before you can leave a party.
Marty: No one cares what you subscribe to, okay? We were trying to recreate what happened 25 years ago, and I said "Larry, would you like to make a toast?" And someone said, "Larry went home to take a shit."

Guy: Fuck-head, shit-face, cock-sucker asshole son of a bitch!

[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]
Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There's cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don't think that was the barn.
[long pause]
Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.

Leon: Larry. I got a "Gotta Go" emergency. I'm at the shoe shine shop, right, the guy must have food poisoning. He's stuck in the fucking toilet.
Larry: What do you want me to do?
Leon: I need you to cover for me at the newsstand. The guy relies on me for his six o'clock piss.

Larry: [Larry is on the phone ordering a "Girls Gone Wild" tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.

Susie: You four-eyed fuck.

Leon: Well what kinda cum was it, first of all?
Larry: What do you mean, "What kinda cum?" Cum is cum.
Leon: Cum is not cum, Larry.
Larry: Cum is cum.
Leon: Well, it couldn't have been mine. You know why? Cuz I gets mines, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.

Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda's butt]
Larry: Okay, Wanda...
Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, okay. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.
Larry: Okay, you completely misinterpreted that...
Wanda: How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'.
Larry: I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.
Wanda: Is that how you say hello?
Larry: Uh, well...
Wanda: 'Hey, big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey, I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello.
Larry: Perhaps not.

[Getting out of jury duty]
Larry: Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.

Susie: [Greg has just given her a pillow sham with a swastika stitched on it] What the... What? Where did you learn about this symbol?
Greg: Larry taught me how to make a swastika.
[Larry shakes his head in horror]
Greg: He wrote it on a piece of paper.
Larry: [nervously] Greg... No, I...
Greg: He was drawing, like, this evil man who hated Jews. What was his name again, Larry?
Larry: [panicking] Hitler?
Greg: [brightly] Hitler! Yeah, Hitler.
Susie: Larry taught you how to make this?
Larry: No, I was...
Jennifer: [to Larry] You taught him how to make a swastika?
Larry: No, I was doodling...
Susie: [enraged] What the hell are you thinking?
Larry: [backs away, desperately trying to defend himself] I was doodling! I was just doodling!
Susie: On a PILLOW SHAM? You think this is an appropriate symbol to be petty-pointing on a pillow?
[inadvertently walks right into the path of an approaching biker]
Jeff: SUSIE, LOOK OUT!
[shoves the screaming Susie out of the way, and the biker accidentally crashes into Jeff. Greg screams]

Man: Are you Jewish?
Larry: You want to check my penis?

Larry: I'm going to hate myself more than normally.

Leon: If I go up there, I will KILL this motherfucker. Michael J. Fox bout ta be Michael J. Fucked Up in a minute!

Larry: [after receiving a text with a smiley face] I told her about the smiley faces. I can't stand it. And everybody uses them! What are they going to be in newspapers soon? The New York Times headline - Unemployment Drops, Smiley Face.

Leon: What's going on, Larry? The gerbil got on the elevator, hit "UP" and went up your asshole?

Doctor: Based on your signs and symptoms, when you twisted your body, your testicles got ensnared in the fly of your underwear, which acted like a noose, and it caused scrotal hematoma and contusion.
Leon: Twisted balls.
Doctor: In layman's terms, yes. It's...
Leon: Twisted balls.
Doctor: It's not as bad as it sounds. It's a bruising, which will probably last about a week or so.
Larry: Oh, OK.
Doctor: But, I would definitely recommend switching to a style of underwear with no fly.
Larry: No Fly Zone? Is that what you're telling me? I'm not wearing that underwear. OK?
Leon: You gotta do it, man. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls. You've got long-ass balls.
Larry: I've got long balls?
Leon: Doc, you've seen his balls, right?
Larry: Would you say my balls were unusually long?
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long-ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry." That's your new name.
Larry: [incredulously] Long balls. Who the hell knew?
Leon: Long balls. Change your drawers.

Irma: You want to know what I really want?
Larry: Yeah.
Irma: Vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Larry: [Larry is on his death bed] Jeff... You know, I never said anything, but I noticed you use way too much mayo. You know, when they make tuna, there's already mayo in it. You don't have to put it on the bread.

Larry: I think I tipped that guy twice.
Jeff: What? Why wouldn't he tell you?
Larry: Because he got twice the money.
[sarcastically]
Larry: Why?

Cheryl: [Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry: I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

Larry: Let me tell you something. Nothing, *nothing* gives me more pleasure than cracking an egg. Nothing. I'll make you some omelettes. I'll flip ya out. I will flip you out.

Susie: My grandmother, okay - may she rest in peace - entrusted that brownie recipe to me and you're asking me to break a sacred confidence.
Larry: It's not the Manhatten Project, you know. It's just a little... .a recipe!

Bellman: This is your key, access to your room. It's a card. This is a card slot. Simply insert the card into the slot, there's a beeping, wait a second, firmly apply pressure, and in you go.
Larry: That's fascinating.
Bellman: Some of the amenities quickly. You have a telephone; dial 9 to get out. Uh, a television here. And you have a remote control for power on and off, channel up and down, volume up and down. A minibar also underneath.
Larry: Got it, got it.
Bellman: Thermostat for air temperature control.
Larry: Yeah, I've seen those.
Bellman: Uhh, bathroom with a shower.
Larry: To turn on the water you go like that with your wrist and the water comes out?
[makes twist motion]
Bellman: Y-yes. Uh, the cold is on the right.
Larry: Uh-huh, okay. And that's a window?
Bellman: Yes.
Larry: You walk over to it and you can look out. Is that what it's for?
Bellman: Yes.
Larry: All right, excellent. I think I got everything. The floor is for standing. I think I got it. It's kinda complicated. I'll go over it again.

[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]
Larry: Is that you?
Rabbi: That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.
Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.
Larry: He was in the building?
Rabbi: No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.
Larry: Uptown?
Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em.
Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.

Larry: Your cheek just touched mine on that hug!
Stu: Yeah, I hugged you.
Larry: I know, but still, cheek to cheek contact from men... that's unacceptable.

Hal: How do you know prayer doesn't work?
Larry: Because I'm bald.

Larry: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?
Jeff: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?
Larry: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!
Jeff: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!

Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: Do you crap standing up?

Doctor: I'm on to you Mr. David.
Larry: Excuse me?
Doctor: The frequent visits. The questions about organs. Come on, I'm not crazy. I'm chief of staff here. I know what's going on.
Larry: What's going on?
Doctor: I think you've been waiting for this man to die, so you can get one of his organs. Preferably his kidney, so you won't have to give up one. So that Mr. Lewis can get it.
Larry: What kind of person would do something like that?
Doctor: I think you know what kind of person would do that, Mr. David.
Larry: A kind of person like me?
Doctor: Yes !
Larry: That's pretty good. Pretty good work.
Doctor: Thank you, thank you.
Larry: [impressed] He got me!

Colby: So, here we are in a region of Australia where, out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of 'em inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a taipan on the trail, you get bit, you're dead in thirty minutes flat.
Solly: Oy, I'll tell you, that's a very interesting story, let me tell you. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!
Colby: Look, I'm saying- I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive and we had very little rations, no snacks...
Solly: Snacks? What you talking, "snacks"? We didn't eat sometimes for a week! For a month! We ate nothing!...
Colby: I couldn't even work out when I was over there. They certainly didn't have a gym.
Solly: A *what*?
Colby: I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I got a pair of flip-flops!
Solly: Flip-flops!
Colby: We sleep on the ground, on the dirt, okay? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98 percent humidity!
Solly: 45 degrees below zero!
Colby: Did you guys have a bathroom?
Solly: A bathroom? We had twelve people at a time would go and shit...!
Colby: Well, I'm sure you had toilet paper.
Solly: We had newspaper!
Colby: We had mosquitos.
Solly: Mosquito? You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?
Colby: Have you even seen the show?
Solly: Did you ever see *our* show? It was called the Holocaust!

Jeff: [repeated exchange] Who are you?
Larry: I'm Larry David.
Jeff: And what do you enjoy?
Larry: I enjoy comfort found in wearing women's panties.

Susie: [after discovering that Larry and Jeff stole the head from her daughter's doll] You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get the head!
Jeff: [later] Boy, I did not need that.

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff: Goodnight, nurse...
Nurse: Goodnight.
Jeff: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I never heard of it.
Jeff: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff: Do you?
Nurse: Do *you*?
Jeff: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.

Larry: This project demands I get back to my base.

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]

Irma: [after sex with Larry] It was better than I expected, but I have low expectations.

Larry: [to Richard Lewis] Who are people going to believe... an ex-alcoholic or a guy who's been lucid 24/7 his whole life? I didn't steal your message you asshole.

Susie: Do you respect wood, Susie?
Susie: Ehh yes, I do respect wood. Why?
Larry: You've demonstrated a consistent lack of respect for wood as I se it.

Larry: [talking to Richard Lewis]
[laughs]
Larry: When are you gonna die? Please die.

Maria: So he said "Mr. David can go fuck himself"
Larry: That's what Jesus said?

Susie: [shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?
Larry: You know, it's nice.
Susie: Yeah.
Larry: Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.
Susie: All right, you know what? Fuck you... and fuck your tea.

[repeated line]
Larry: Pretty good. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good.

Larry: A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

Larry: Excuse me. Is that a problem for you?
Richard's: Excuse me?
Larry: Yeah, that's exactly right.
Richard's: Could you be a little bit nicer about it and just go by.
Larry: A little bit nicer, you make this big sigh, I'm just trying to get by.
Richard's: Well I'm sitting here and you could enter the other way.
Larry: Could you just move your legs?
Richard's: What are you doing? Are you looking at my breasts? You're looking at my breasts.
Larry: I'm not looking at your breasts, I'm trying to get to my seat.
Richard's: Announcing. He's looking at my breasts,
Larry: Yeah, your special breasts. Just excuse me please?
Richard's: Please just go by, without stepping on my foot!

Larry: I can't believe this guy's converting. Why's he doing that? You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side. Yeah. Jews don't convert. I'm really surprised.
Cheryl: Well, you know what, if he didn't convert she wouldn't marry him. I know that about Becky, she's very... she's very passionate about her religion.
Larry: Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ, ya know? It's like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It's like I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say you must like lobster? "Eat lobster, it's good, it's good!" It's not only where you live, you go to Africa, you travel all over the world, "Eat lobster! Have some more lobster, it's good."
Cheryl: I don't really think it's the same...
Larry: "WE WANT YOU TO HAVE LOBSTER!"
Cheryl: Lobster and religion, I really don't see the similarities.

Leon: Ass is Ass, Larry.
Larry: Ass is not ass.
Leon: Ass is ass.
Larry: Well, you don't have to tap every ass!

Larry: [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.

Larry: This is very good by the way. Thank you! It's a cafe latte?... What is that... milk?
Starbucks: Milk... uh... and coffee.
Larry: Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee! Oh my God. What a drink! It's milk and coffee, mixed together!
[talking about Starbucks]
Larry: You've gotta go there, sit down, have a donut, have a bagel!

[Larry is on a bad trip, looking in a bathroom mirror]
Larry's: What are you looking at? You see something? Huh?
Larry: Wh- What did I do?
Larry's: What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing!
Larry: If you want me to do something, just tell me!
Larry's: You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that!
Larry: I'm doing the best I can.
Larry's: Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you?
Larry: I'm sorry.
Larry's: Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy!
Larry: I'm really going to do it.
Larry's: You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card?
Larry: [nodding] Okay.
Larry's: You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a fucking thing!
Larry: I'll try and do better. I will.
Larry's: TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a fucking book!
Larry: Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything!
Larry's: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to!

[during a fight with his business partner named Hugh]
Larry: Fuck Hugh. Fuck Huuuuugh.

Wanda: Why'd you fire the black man?
Larry: I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!
Wanda: [Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.

Jeff: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting *down*?
Larry: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up. And you get to read.
Jeff: [incredulously] What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I pee 20 times during a day, I can get through the whole New York Times for God's sake!
Jeff: 20 times?
Larry: Yeah! Hey buddy, while you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something!

Larry: I respect wood. I revere wood. I'm considerate of wood.

Larry: Hey... um, I think I want to go home. Let's go home.
Cheryl: No! We haven't even had dessert yet.
Larry: So what? We don't need dessert. Come on.
Cheryl: Well, it's rude. You stay for dessert.
Larry: Oh, so what? Dessert, it's no big deal, we can just go. Come on.
Cheryl: Why do you want to go home?
Larry: I need to use the bathroom.
Cheryl: [incredulously] So go use the bathroom.
Larry: I don't want to use this bathroom. I want my own.
Cheryl: Why?
Larry: This project demands I get back to my base. I need my base.
Cheryl: [exasperated] We're not going home for you to...
Jeff: What's the matter?
Cheryl: Larry wants to go home to use the bathroom. It's like...
Larry: Hey Cheryl, what do you, need to tell the whole table? Why don't you get up and make an announcement?
Jeff: What, like you've never done that with me at lunch? It's the craziest thing in the world.
Cheryl: It's ridiculous. He can use THIS bathroom.
Larry: You, you're a Gentile, you'd go in the middle of 5th Avenue. It's different for Jews!

Larry: Do me a favor?
Jamie: what?
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks... ..give me a call. Just let me know.

[repeated line]
Larry: Hey, let me ask you something.

Larry: I'm not use to giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don't even know how to condition myself to do it.

Cheryl's: Fellatio! Cunnilingus! French kissing. Rimjob.

Richard: First of all, I'm getting, I have that irregular heart thing and this is not a good thing, I'm a recovering alcoholic, this is all very bad for me.
Larry: What, we're doing the litany now? What else is wrong?
Richard: Yeah, I can give you the litany. Want to know what my cholesterol was? 272! Alright? So I don't need this shit, man.
Larry: OK.
Richard: I've known her for six weeks, we've already had intercourse, she's loving, she speaks seven languages...
Larry: Congratulations on the intercourse.
Richard: ...and I happen to be a little bit in love with her, OK?
Larry: Well, a ''little' bit should be the operative word here.
Richard: Well, I don't know how to get... it's... first of all, it's none of your fuckin' business because you are the most insensitive person that I've ever seen...
Larry: Did she ask you to go over some of the Neil Simon scripts at night? The actress, make you do some readings at night with her? In bed? Does she give you a script and go over the lines with you on the sides? Do you read the sides with her?
Richard: She reads Wiesel. She reads a lot of things.
Larry: She reads Wiesel?
Richard: That's right. You know, not everyone's a moron I go out with, by the way.
Larry: You know what she should be reading? EMILY FUCKING POST!

Larry: Why make a cleaning product that stains? That's like a Band-Aid that cuts.

Omar's: Alright Mr. David. What's this call regarding?
Larry: Uh... He'll know what it's about. I'm a client.
Omar's: Got that, but what is the call regarding?
Larry: You know to be honest, it's kind of personal.
Omar's: I'm sure it is. But you can't speak with him until you tell me what this call is regarding.
Larry: But it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. I don't really want to tell you what it's about.
Omar's: Ok sir you gon' need to control your levels and tell me what this call is regarding.
Larry: Do me a favor. Tell me the details of your last conversation.
Omar's: That's none of your business!
Larry: Exactly.

Marty: I wanna get out of here now!
Larry: Let me explain something to you, moron, okay. Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members, there is nothing wrong. Get it!

Jeff: Who are you?
Larry: I'm Larry David.
Jeff: And what do you happen to enjoy?
Larry: I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

[repeated line]
Cheryl: Why would you do that?

Leon: Barack Obama! I'm the president of hittin' that ass!

Larry: [Larry is talking about his attraction to a Palestinian woman at a restaurant] You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.

Richard: I have bowel concern for you.

Larry: You don't work. You're unemployed.
Cheryl: Loving you is my job, Larry.

Larry: [referring to Susie Greene's bra size] You know what? I think she's about the same size as Maria, my housekeeper.
Jeff: Really?
Larry: Yeah. You know what size she is?
Jeff: [looking toward Susie] No. I could find out.
Larry: Would you?
Jeff: Sure!
Larry: Thank you. Thank you!
Jeff: Do you know what Cheryl's size is?
Larry: I just found out, and I gotta tell ya something - I'm a little disappointed.
Jeff: Really? What, B cup?
Larry: Aah, I'd rather not say.
Jeff: C?
Larry: I can't, you know...
Jeff: 32? 34?
Larry: I don't want to talk about it.
Jeff: C'mon.
Larry: I don't want to talk about it!
Jeff: Come on! I'm giving you Susie's bra size, give me Cheryl's bra size. It's a trade.
Larry: Aah, I can't. I don't want to.
Jeff: You know what? You don't tell me Cheryl's, I ain't telling you Susie's!
Larry: Okay. Fine.
Jeff: Okay! Fine. I'm not the one who has to go out and buy a bra.
Larry: I don't give a shit.
Jeff: Oh yeah you do.

Cheryl: [Larry is examining the tags on Cheryl's bra] Larry?
Larry: [startled] What?
Cheryl: What are you doing? What were you doing?
Larry: What? Nothing. I was... your bra was kind of, was about to fall off, and I was... I was putting it back on.
Cheryl: Alright, and, I... felt like you were looking at... my size.
Larry: Oh! Um...
[stammers]
Larry: yeah... well... I didn't deliberately set out to look at the size, but I was, had the bra in my hand, and it was kind of like, you know, if you have a driver's license, you check out the date of birth. That's all.
Cheryl: Ohhhhh-kay...
Larry: Just uhh, checked it out.
Cheryl: And uhh, what'd ya think?
Larry: [stammering] Yeah... uh, OK, it's good.

Larry: The ass is part of my snuggle.

Susie: Fuck you Larry, this is bullshit motherfucker. You are such a bald asshole I can't believe it.
Loretta: [coming downstairs] Who the FUCK do you think you're talking to? Nobody talks to my man like that. You better get your ass out of my house. You fucking bitch!
Larry: [waving] goodbye!

Susie: All is forgiven! Everything you've ever done, every horrible thing you've done to me is forgiven for this!
Larry: What are you talking about? What have I done?

Jeff: Why did you have to put those clothes of Jeff's, just throw them in the back...
Larry: Why, why...
Jeff: Why did you have to throw them in the trunk on top of a dirty old tire? Why?
Larry: There's obviously something wrong with me.
Jeff: That's the question.
Larry: Yeah, what is wrong with me. That's the question.
Jeff: Why would anyone do that? A person wouldn't do that.
Larry: Cause I don't have a closet in my house. I'm just used to throwing things around like that.
Jeff: And throwing them on the floor?
Larry: I throw them on the floor, that's how all my clothes are at home. All on the floor. I don't even have a bed, I sleep on a big pile of clothes.
Jeff: Well, it's just disgusting!
Larry: I'm a disgusting man.

Jeff: Who goes on a date and goes, "By the way, I fucked my mother-in-law."?

Larry: [walking in] Hello!
Lisa: Hello. Welcome back.
Larry: [enthusiastically] So! You know, I spoke to our mutual friend.
[Jeff, concerning the size of his penis]
Lisa: Did you say hello for me?
Larry: I did, I did. I did say hello, and... I couldn't help but mention the... whole kind of..."small penis" thing... It came out.
Lisa: Oh, my gosh... Was he upset?
Larry: Not at all! Not at all...
[folds his arms]
Lisa: Really?
Larry: In fact he had a... completely different take on it than you! He said the problem didn't lie with his small penis... but rather, with your... BIG vagina.
[smugly, he makes a wide 'V' symbol with his hands]
Lisa: Is THAT what he did?
Larry: Yeah!
[sign again]
Larry: BIG!
Lisa: THIS is my vagina?
Larry: HUGE!
[nodding smuggly]
Larry: Huge!
Lisa: Are you kidding? I don't have a big vagina!
Larry: [grinning smugly with condescending eyes] You've got the huge vagina.
Lisa: Oh, do I?
Larry: [nodding] You got the huge vagina. You're blaming the small penis... It's not necessary.
Lisa: I made a little... You're the one that-!
Larry: [cutting Lisa off] ME THINKS the lady doth protest too much! Hmph!
[making the sign]

Jeff: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
Larry: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
Jeff: They think you're a misogynist.
Larry: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
Jeff: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
Larry: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
Jeff: Well, cunt's worse.
Larry: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
Jeff: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
Larry: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
Jeff: I never questioned, it just is.
Larry: That's sexist to me! Come on.

Jeff: Hey, do you want to have dinner tomorrow before the show?
Larry: Oh, I don't know...
Cheryl: We've got plans.
Larry: We don't have plans, we just don't want to have dinner with you.
Cheryl: [exasperated] Larry...

Ted: Hey, remember me? Ted Danson? Becker? Cheers?

[last lines]
Jeff's: Look at the way that girl walks / Look at that, what rhythm she has.

Cheryl: You're turning consolation into sex?
Larry: Well, that's the ultimate form of consolation.

Larry: What?
[Cheryl's family is glaring at Larry]
Larry: What?
Cheryl: What? We got the paper, that's what.
[slaps aunt's obit into his hands]
Cheryl's: Devoted sister, beloved CUNT? Huh? That's what you put in the paper?
[Cheryl's mother cries out in anguish]
Larry: [looking at obit] Oh God... this is a typo! That's *aunt*, that should be AUNT!
Cheryl: Did Jeff look at this before he turned it in?
Larry: No, they have proofreaders at these places!
Cheryl's: The woman lives a decent life and this is how she ends up? Beloved *cunt?* My wife is upset! I'm just glad you weren't in charge of the headstone!

Marty: Why do you pee sitting down?
Larry: Many reasons.
Marty: You crap standing up?

Larry: Have you ever done with the public before, in any way?
Sam: well, at my dad's office, I mean, you have dozens of new patients a day. You know, all different...
Larry: Yeah, that's not what i'm talking about. The people that go to your dad's office, nothing near what you would be seeing here on a daily basis.
Sam: Oh, really?
Larry: Most of the people that come in here are gonna be, you know, just digusting human beings.
Sam: How do you mean?
Larry: Vile. Vulgar. The dregs of society.

Larry: I go out to dinner, I wind up with a homework assignment.

Leon: Get in that ass, Larry!

Larry: Nice shoes.
Man: Thanks.
Larry: I think they're mine.
Man: You're kidding.
Larry: Kidding? No, they're my shoes.
Man: They're your shoes?
Larry: Yeah.
Man: How could they be your shoes?
Larry: How could they be? Because that guy gave them to you by mistake the other day.
Man: Well that's weird.
Larry: What? What's weird?
Man: That he would give me those shoes.
Larry: No, that's not weird. What's weird is that you would put them on, that's what's weird.
Man: Aw, you mean it's not weird that he would give me these shoes?
Larry: No, that's a mistake.
Man: They're not my shoes and he gave them to me.
Larry: Yeah, that's a mistake. That's an honest mistake. What's weird is that you would take shoes that don't belong to you and put them on, that's weird.
Man: Or even weirder that you left without even your shoes.
Larry: That's not that weird, I had nothing else to wear.
Man: Well that would be kinda weird.
Larry: No, that's gonna be weird for you now after I get the shoes back. That'll be weird.

[after Larry has interrupted a baptism because he thought the priest was drowning the man]
Woman: You didn't want to lose another Jew.
Larry: I don't care. What do I need him for?

Restaurant: Hi, I'm the manager. There's been a delay in your meals. I'm very sorry. There's been a disturbance in the kitchen. But, we're taking care of it. Thanks.
Larry: Well, what kind of disturbance?
Restaurant: A general disturbance.
Larry: What's a general disturbance?
Restaurant: Well, let's just say it was a minor hiccup.
Jeff: Was it a hiccup or a disturbance?
Restaurant: It's such a small disturbance, it might be either one.
Larry: What like... was the chef angry or did somebody drop some pots and pans? What happened?
Restaurant: Let's just say the disturbance happened. Okay, that's a fact, and we're taking care of it.
Larry: Are you listening to this?
Jeff: I am.
Larry: Wait a second. How come you won't tell me what the disturbance was?
Restaurant: Oh, well that's a very good question and I'm on top of it.
Larry: Thank you, I'm glad you thought it was a good question because it was a really atrocious answer.
Restaurant: Well, I beg to differ.
Larry: Let me ask you this question. How in God's name did you get this job?
Restaurant: I am great at dealing with these disturbances.

[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]
Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."
Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?
Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?
Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in... "'til death do us part, " I thought it was...
Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?
Larry: Well...
Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.
Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.

Larry: Take a pop!

Jeff: [In a meeting with HBO execs, the President sarcastically asks Larry how his "stepfather" is feeling. Larry becomes offended and walks out of the meeting. Jeff and Julia Louis-Dreyfus soon follow, catching up with Larry near the elevator] Larry, what was that? Why did you walk out?
Larry: He implied that I was lying about my stepfather being sick.
Jeff: But you don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication.

Larry: [sees Wanda Sykes power-walking up ahead and rolls window down] Hey, I'd know that tush anywhere!

Leon: People love to stay hydrated and fuck.

Larry: Anyway, I'd better shut up, because I plan on-I'm planning on a big move later and I think I might hurt my chances if I keep criticizing your food.

Susie: You sick fuck Larry David. What the fuck do you think you're doing getting my kid drunk?
Larry: Drunk? What do you...
Susie: She's sluring her words, she's bumping into things, she stinks like a fucking rhino!
Larry: Oh! I poured some wine- and she must've
Susie: Oh! She must have accidentally. A seven year old, drank some wine?
Larry: The glasses! They must have gotten mixed up!
Susie: Do I look like a fucking idiot to you that I'm gonna believe that shit? You got her drunk and stood the fucking dog. Alright?
Larry: No! She- She said I could- have the dog.
Susie: She told you you could have the dog after you had her all fucked up on alcohol! All liquored up!
Larry: I thought It was- a speech Impediment.
Susie: You've known the kid since she was born and she suddenly developed a speech impediment?
Larry: That's what I found so confusing.
Susie: Alright, listen you four eyed fuck. She's at home, hysterical! That her dog is missing- I don't what you did with him, whether you took him to a charity , or some animal testing, you sicko, fucko, asshole.
[Larry gets in the car]
Susie: Get me the fucking dog!

[after Larry turned down sex from Cady Huffman because she had a Bush picture in her dressing room]
Jeff: What the fuck were you thinking! A picture of Bush, who gives a flying fuck? I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on!

Bus: If I see you on my bus again, I'ma fuck you up!