150 Best Ash vs Evil Dead Quotes

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm gonna be like a ninja losing his virginity, quick and discreet.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Goodbye forever, Kelly.
Kelly: Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
Kelly: Your real hand!

Candace: Son of a bitch!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hey, whoa! Lady! There's a line!
Candace: Wha-? You don't even remember me?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, the old steel trap never forgets a rack, but faces are a little fuzzy. Give me a hint.
[Candace punches Ash]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I said a hint.
Candace: I'm your fucking wife!

Pablo: Hey, I was toying with a nickname for us. "The Ghostbeaters!"
Kelly: That is so fucking bad.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, buddy, I gotta tell ya, that's prob'ly the worst thing I've ever heard.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Sorry sis, playtime's over.
Cheryl: Fine! Then I'm going to make like a tree, and fuck you!
[attacks Ash]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Whoa!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well I just want to bang Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, but that ain't gonna happen.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, if we get this done quick enough, we might have time to stop for churros.
[pauses and looks at Pablo]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's not a racist thing, Pablo. That's just a great dessert.
Pablo: [Stares at Ash for a second] You know I am not Mexican, right?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [Smiles at Pablo] That's the spirit!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: After I lost this hand, this hand became
[pauzes]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: extra sensitive. The reason I bring this up Nancy, is I'm not going to be able to pay that check, but I think I've got something much more valuable I can give you. Much more than
[looks at check]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: 22 dollars and 89 cents. Double that at least!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well I gotta say boss, I'm feeling a bunch of nada here. I mean I had like three bagels for breakfast so maybe the bread is soaking everything up. How about one more cup?
Brujo: Focus. The medicine can open your mind, but it can also destroy it; trapped in your own personal hell for eternity.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [short pause] Ok, so maybe half a cup.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [looks at the cleavage of Amanda Fisher] Is that lavender?
Amanda: [Punches Ash in the groin]

Kelly: [looking at semen stains on Ash] What the fuck happened to you?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That is a long, sad story, involving some unsightly bodily fluids.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, my virgin hand! It hasn't even held a beer!

Ashy: Peek-a-boo!
Kelly: What the fuck?
Ashy: Wanna play?
Kelly: No. Ah, why am I talking to a Muppet?
Ashy: [gasps] Muppet? Uh, well, you're awfully judgmental for a...
Kelly: Hey! For a what? What were you gonna say, you little motherfuck? Sack up. What were you gonna say?
Ashy: Wow, check out the potty mouth on you. You really are... filthy.
Kelly: And fine. Yeah, heard that one before, pervert.
Ashy: Girl, you're the one with your handle all up in my puppet pooper. You want me to return the favor?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: This town is only big enough for one asshole, and that asshole is me.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You wrote it? You mean like, the whole thing?
Ruby: Yes, and now that you've returned it to me, everything in here will be let loose upon the world.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, aren't we the tricky little bitch.

Lionel: Do you even know what you possess here?
[Ash scoffs]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, of course. I mean, obviously I do but, uh, you might wanna share it with Pablo.
Lionel: This book is a gateway to Hell, a way to summon forces of evil into our earthly realm.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yep, that's exactly what I thought. Please continue.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You're kinda like a young me. Deadites ruined your life and you're hot as hell.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That my friends is how we do it.

Pablo: I wish we could just summon an answer.
[Ash laughs]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wait a minute, Pablo. You smooth, brown Einstein, that's it! We summon something from the book that can tell us how to undo all this.
Pablo: Uh yeah, no, that's not what I was saying...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lionel, find me the weakest demon in that book!

Kelly: Fuck with my Pablo, fuck with me. And I am done being fucked with, Ruby.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: One more for papa.

Brock: Ash?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hiya, Pop. Got room for a threesome?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: The ink on my buddy went nuclear, that means evil is just around the corner. So your little peach could be a bowel-sucking hell beast.
Brandy: Mom, what's the chainsaw geek doing here?
Candace: Oh, honey, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but Ash, he's... he's ah... he's your...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What she's trying to say, I'm your pop. Father dearest. The old sperm shooter.
Brandy: What?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: But you can call me Dad, unless you're a Deadite, then you can go fuck yourself.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo, focus up. Just stay behind me, let the boomstick do the talking. Things get hairy, you use your bottle.
Pablo: Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe. You had to stab Roper, like, fifty times.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hey, I was sharpening it for you.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Kelly, what the hell did you do?
Kelly: He was a demon. I had to kill him before he killed us!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: He's not a demon. He's Pablo! He was my friend! He was your friend too!
Kelly: His name wasn't Pablo. It was Reg. Just like my name isn't Kelly, it's Amanda, you whack job!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wait a second. This isn't right. Who's Reg?
Kelly: Reg was a demon. A dragon demon. So I had to slay just like we talked about, remember?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No! No! There's no dragons in the Necronomicon! There's a Kandarian Demon that flies around, and makes-makes Deadites!
Kelly: Okay, right. So what? They-they can't survive in sunlight?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Those are vampires!
Kelly: Don't you mean Bloodites?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well wait, there was that one time, that the sunlight did work.
Kelly: Oh, listen to yourself! You're fucking nuts!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Look who's talking to who! You thought Pablo was a dragon!
Kelly: His name was Reg!

Suzy: Why are you covered in blood?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Um, we hit a deer on the way up here. And when I tried to pull it out of the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so we had to cut it up with my chainsaw, arm.

Pablo: Ash, I know you said that when I got hit I'd know what to do, but I just got hit and I don't know what to do!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [mockingly] I'm Ruby, I'm The Dark One. I wrote The Necronomicon. Yeah? I don't give a shit! You fucked things up worse than I ever fucked things up lady, so fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: We get the book, send your loser kids back to Hell, we're back in Jacksonville by Friday. Pablo, first round of 'ritas is on you, because?
Pablo: Uh, yeah, you already used that one
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Really?
Kelly: Word for word.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wow. Maybe I'm getting that bad memory disease.
Pablo: Alzheimer's?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Alzheimer's? That's a bad memory disease. Why would you mention that?

Kelly: Oh, shit! What happened in there?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, uh, let's go with colonoscopy?

Pablo: How about a ride on the Pablo 'stache, Kelly?
Kelly: Not tall enough!

Deputy: What is that?
Pablo: It's Kandar, the destroyer. And it's come to test the mettle of man.
Deputy: We're doomed.
Pablo: Ash? This is it, Ash. Everything that's ever been foretold: The Necronomicon, your destiny. It all comes down to this moment. It's the final test, Jefe.
Deputy: He's right! Ash is the demon killer. So go! Go kill the demon!
Ash: Yes, I do kill demons! But that - that thing is... bullshit, man. No way. I'm not doing it.
Deputy: If it's here to test you, then - then you will go out there and you will fight!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I ordered the fruit-cup because I thought we were taking this check to splitsville.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: All right, get the gum out of your ears and listen up you inbred degenerate screwheads! Except you, Linda. You are so not like them.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Forget the stupid book. Chasing that thing is only going to give you a leg cramp.
Ruby: You don't know what you're talking about.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, I don't? You're the one that grew up your entire life looking for that book, and you never found it. Me on the other hand, I can't fart without tripping over that thing. And I fart a lot.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: My goodness.

Mr. Roper: Are you really going to use your fucking lizard as an excuse to get out of work again?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I am.
Mr. Roper: OK. Look, you retard. And I can say retard because my gardner is a huge one. I know all about you. You think you can't get fired 'cause you have seniority? Ha ha ha. OK, technically you're correct, but that doesn't mean I have to help you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: So, to be clear, that's a nay nu on the paycheck?

Austin: I'm gonna get you pregnant later.
Kelly: But won't your sister be jealous of us?

Brock: Poor Ashley. Life keeps serving up the shit sandwiches.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Uh, speak of the devil. What are you doing here, Pop?
Brock: I don't know. Something disturbed my grave, pulled me back. Always wanted to be a ghost.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, it's nice to see you. Even though I'm looking through you.
Brock: Cool, huh?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, wait a second. I know what's going on now. You're the 80's version of Ruby. Wow! That is trippy. Oh, here's a question. If we all had sex right now, would it still be a threesome because technically you're both the same person?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Relax, sweetheart. I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody. In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.

Pablo: I'm happy that we're sending evil back where it came from, that's for sure, but it makes me a little sad that we're already breaking up the team.

Brock: Whoa! What the hell is this?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Uh, it's pretty convoluted. Ruby was using you to make me look bad in front of my daughter.
Brock: Well, it looks like she succeeded. , Oh, hold on there, did you say daughter?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, I just found out a few days ago. Her name is Brandy.
Brock: Well, look at you. My boy's a father. Hell, that makes me grandfather. Damn, you miss so much when you're dead. What's she like?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Stubborn as shit and she hates my guts.
Brock: Well, she's smart. I like her already.

Lionel: The book itself is harmless unless wielded by someone either very evil or very stupid.

Pablo: It's global.
Ash: Global? Oh, great. I've doomed humanity.
[sits down]
Ash: Yeah, well, you know what? Not like I didn't tell 'em. Pablo, how many times you heard me say this, huh? Why me? Who am I? Nobody. Nobody! Guy from Elk Grove, Michigan. Where the fuck is that? In the middle of Jack shit nowhere. That's where. You know what? I got news for you. I didn't ask for this. You think I want this horse shit? Be covered in blood twenty four-seven? Who the fuck would want that? Savior my ass. I'm a... a god damn failure.
Pablo: Don't say that. Jefe, we're still in this.
Ash: Yeah.
Pablo: We got Kelly's body. We need to save her.
Ash: Yeah, why? So she can die with the rest of us? So she can die with the rest of the human race?
Brandy: [smacks beer from his hand] Enough! I don't know much about thie Evil Dead crap, and I know even less about why it chose you. But it did. You're the "Savior of Humanity", so get on your damn feet and own up to who you are! In the short time that I have known you, I have seen things that I never thought existed. Seen you do things that I never thought possible. You taught me to trust you, you taught me to believe in you. And I do. Please, don't let me down now.
Ash: You're right by God. Oh, boy. Give - give me a hand here. I've been kicking Evil's ass for more than thirty years. Who cares if Kandar is six feet tall or six hundred? I'm gonna show the world what a Williams can do.

Ruby: Pablo, you know what has to be done. You find Baal, say the incantation, send him back.
Pablo: I know what has to be done, I just don't know if I'm the one to do it.
Ruby: You can do it. You have to. All those fish and chip customers are depending on it.
Pablo: I knew you cared. You keep pretending like you don't, but each day you spend as a mortal, you become a little more human. It suits you.
Ruby: That's creepy talk.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, number one, it's my book, has been for 30 years. Number two, I'm on your damn property, because I'm here to save a little somethin' I call "Earth."
Ruby: You know what I've been doing these past 30 years? Cleaning up your messes so they don't destroy a giant thing that *everyone* calls the "Earth." And what you accomplished in all these years? You put a chainsaw on your stump? Congratulations.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You know, it's a lot harder than it looks. Name one other person that has a functioning chainsaw arm.
Ruby: This has to stop. You've got the Necronomicon, and you need to give it to me. So where is it?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: None of your beeswax. I will tell this though, pretty soon it's gonna be six feet under.
Ruby: Oh, you're gonna bury it?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Bet your bippy. I found that out during a drug fueled trip.
Ruby: So your entire plan to save the world comes courtesy from a bong hit?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No. I didn't smoke the drug, lady. I *drank* the drug, which gave my mind a backstage pass to the reality show. I'm gonna bury it in the basement, then I can finally say to evil, "Hey evil, why don't you eat my butt?"
Ruby: Wonderful imagery, but it won't work even if you just bury the book.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's what my vision says.
Ruby: Then your vision is stupid.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, you're right. It is kinda stupid. Almost as stupid as your stupid face.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Look, I get that you wanna save your dad, but I'm trying to save all the dads everywhere. And the mommies and the babies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Where's Pablo and Kelly?
Amanda: We split up to look for you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Good, it's safer away from here.
Amanda: Why would you just run off like that?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not big on goodbyes.
Amanda: Ash, you shouldn't do this alone.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I have to do it alone. Don't you get it? Everybody dies here. It's just a rule. Death, taxes, more death, and I don't pay taxes. So all I know is death.
Amanda: Fuck the rules. I'm gonna help you end this.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lady, I like your style.

Ruby: Come on, guys. We don't have much time. You've seen how powerful my children have become.
Pablo: Wait. *Your* children? Those things came out of me.
Ruby: Oh, relax, you're not the father, just the portal for their rebirth.
Kelly: Are you saying Pablo is a vagina?

Brandy: We're totally fucked.
Kelly: Yeah, in Ash's orbit, that's called "Tuesday."

Other: [after cutting Fisher with a cleaver] Now that's what I call cleavage.

Kelly: The good news is, now I can add "Demonic Tree" as the list of things that ever tried to murder me ever since I met Ash.

Baal: You defeat me, we accept exile from this realm... and your friend shall be returned.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: OK. You defeat me, I guess all kinds of bad crap's gonna happen for a long time. Got it.

Amanda: You don't wanna be on the wrong side of this thing.
Kelly: Whatever's going down here, I am already on the wrong side of it, so no turnin' back now.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Do me a favor, will ya? Thank your mother for me? She passed the genes down to you in all the right places.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Holy pickle dicks, it's Lillian Pendergrass!
Kelly: What's a Lillian Pendergrass?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That beautiful creature right there. I'd know that caboose from anywhere.
Kelly: Are you having a stroke?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hey, you say that now, back in the day, Lillian Pendergrass was a smoking hot former gymnast turned PhysEd teacher. You know what I'm talking about? She wore these tiny, little polyester shorts. You know during the summer, when you find that perfect peach?
Kelly: Your next words better be "the end", or I will shoot us both. Me first.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'll give you the abridged version.
[chuckles as he looks at the backseat of the car]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I boned her in the back.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You, uh, making dinner there, muchacho?
Brujo: Ash, you're a dolt.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Is that good?
Brujo: Only because you have no idea what power you truly possess. Many underestimate you, don't they?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, at first, yeah, but then, they either end up in my bed, or dead.
Brujo: Total lack of self-awareness will make very difficult to find the answers you seek, but we must try.

Kelly: [after Ash puts a pair of crosses on her parents' graves] You know they were Jewish, right?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I did not. I wish you had told me that before I made those dumb crosses.

Chet: Ah!
Cheryl: Just you and me now, Chet.
[makes the radio play a caset]
Cheryl: I missed you, baby! Oh... my baby's got a boo-boo.
Chet: Nah, I don't have a boo-boo.
Cheryl: Oh, gee.
[licks Chet's wound]
Chet: This doesn't feel half as good as it used to.
[Cheryl bites his neck]
Chet: Ahh!
Cheryl: What else you got for me, big boy?
Chet: Noth... I don't have anything.
Cheryl: Oohh!
[opens Chet's pants]
Chet: What, there's nothing there!

Kelly: Mom, Dad, this is my friend Pablo. He got me the job at Value Stop. And this is Ash, a person I never thought would be in my home.
Ash: Hi. You used to be dead, right?

Amanda: It's very possible this is connected to the killings from the other night. Do you know who lived there?
Phil: Don't know his name but he was always a real asshole to me and my wife... and our kids and pretty much everyone else around.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: This is gonna hurt. One more for papa! Yeah! Looking good, looking sweet! Uhuhuh! Hahaha!
[winks]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yo, Granny! Hope you took your Geritol... 'Cause it's time to dance!

[Ash bursts through the door brandishing a gun and chainsaw]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You left dinner before daddy excused you.

Amanda: I just thought I saw something. But I can't really trust my eyes these days.
Ruby: There's nothing wrong with your eyes. Sometimes what you think you saw is exactly what you saw.

Pablo: Look, Ash, I think you're really being paranoid about this. If Kelly's mom is one of "them", why wouldn't she have killed her before we got here?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's tryin' to reel in the bigger fish. Don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it. No, you use it as a bait fish, to catch the whale. I'm the whale, Pablo.
Pablo: Yeah, I got that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: And Kelly...
Pablo: She's the bait.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's right. Unfortunately for Mom, this whale swam in there with a big ol' shotgun. She was waiting for me to drop my guard. That's why she's inviting us to dinner.
Pablo: Well, for the record, I think she's a real mom, this is my chance to impress Kelly's parents. So, can you just do me a solid, please? And just, be polite in there.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, I'll be polite. Right up until I'm rude.

Ash: What is that dastardly Ruby up to now?

Eli: Stop screwing around and pay attention. Ur about to discover how to undo all this.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Eli! You can speak?
Eli: In here I can. It's your trip hefe.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Nice! You know I always wanted to talk to you.
[looks concerned]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Uh, just don't mention the stuff I do in the trailer when we're alone.
Eli: Never...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Alright then!

Brock: [after riding a mechanical bull, To Ash] All in the ass, son. You got to clench those cheeks, nice and tight. So you them so hard you can crack a walnut on them.
Amber: [grabs Brock's ass] Ooh, my. The fanny's hard as Detroit steel, Daddy.
Brock: Yeah, it ain't the only thing.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [looks at Linda's decapitated skull] Long time no see, Linda. Don't get up.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: And that, Elk Grove, it's how you take care of business. Well, Cheryl, it's been fun catching up. Sorry I got to kill you. Again.

Sheriff: I just want us to be a family again.
Lacey: The only thing you sucked at more than being the sheriff, was being a father.
[rips off he father's head]
Lacey: Oh look! He does have a backbone after all!

[Lacey kills a security guard with a walkie-talkie]
Lacey: Look, Daddy! A unicorn! Magic is real!
Kelly: Abracadabra!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, thanks for the opinion. Now, you can take it, turn it sideways and shove it right up the old poop-shoot.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yo, Granny.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hope you took your Geritol...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: 'Cause it's time to dance!

Marcus: Join us.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No, I'm good. I joined the Elks.

Pablo: You can't outrun evil, Ash.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Watch me!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Ash, look first, cut later.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: So look, uh, I'm not a grief counselor, but if it's any consolation, I have had to kill and bury loved ones before. A bunch of times, actually.

Kelly: I'm sorry, Ash. I thought I could take Ruby on my own. I thought I could be like you. I was wrong.
Ash: Fuckin' A right, you were.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: My God...
[pauzes]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I left the windows down in the Delta.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Relax, sweetheart.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not sticking my neck out for anybody.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: In fact, I'm just about to haul nuggies.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You don't believe mom's horseshit story, do ya? She's a deadite! And I think dad is too.
Pablo: Her mom, she doesn't even have the crazy white eyes. I noticed they're brown and lovely like her daughter's.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, I remember when I was like you. Young, dumb, full of... conflicting emotions.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo, you, me and Professor Know-It-All, we're gonna rid the earth of evil. Kelly, can you stay here, watch our friend, in case she wakes up?
Kelly: Oh sure. I'll just sit here with the police officer we tied up and rethink my recent life choices.

Brandy: He's tearing apart; he's dying!
Kelly: Give me my Pablo back, you fuck!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, how'd you know it was really me?
Pablo: Well, first off, you're racist, but not against Asians.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, why would I be? They give such incredible massages, with those teeny hands.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Somebody needs to wash your mouth out, kid. And that someone, is me.
[smirks]

Ruby: Your stupid mortal toys mean nothing to me. But before I kill you, my book needs a new cover.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: A new what - what? Oh, no, no, no! Not me! Oh, no! Not the face! Not the face!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You feel that? Huh? Do you? You feel that? Ha ha ha ha.ha ha ha ha! Do you?

Ash: Ladies, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not drunk enough to know if this is good weird or bad weird, but I'll get there though!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that was fun. We should get handcuffed together more often.
Amanda: You wouldn't even know what do to with me.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh honey bunny, I would destroy you in the best possible way.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Goodbye forever, Kelly.
[touches Kelly's face]
Kelly: [smashes Ash's head into the countertop] Touch me again, and you're gonna need another wooden hand.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, wait. Another wooden hand in place of my real hand, or another wooden hand in place of my wooden hand?
Kelly: Your real hand!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Kelly, in war, there's always gonna be collateral damage.
Kelly: How could you say that, Ash? I know you two don't get along, but he's family. He's your father. And he won't be around forever.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Are you kidding me? That old buzzard? That guy is gonna outlive us all. That's just another way the man upstairs choose to schtup me in the pooper.

Kelly: Also, you tried to take the easy way out. Total Ash move.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What? Come on.
Kelly: The only person you're really to lay down and die for is you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that's because I'm very important to me.
Pablo: Yeah, we definitely shot the right one.
Kelly: I'm reconsidering.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: When it comes to evil, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Lionel, you find a wimpy demon yet?
Lionel: Nothing that says wimpy, specifically, but I have found a minor demon named Eligos. Possesses knowledge of hidden things, a demon of the mindscape.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, perfect. Sounds like a total nerd.
Lionel: It says he preys on the spiritually and emotionally weak.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, he can do that on his own time.

[Ash and Pablo ride down the road, both soaked in blood]
Pablo: Is this what it's like to be you?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yep, pretty much. Never killed my boss before, so that was new.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Things were going fine with Amanda too but that went south, all because of that goddamn book.
Kelly: No disrespect, but you were the one who read from it.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No disrespect, Kelly, if you live in the past, you hurt the future.

Pablo: Ash, I'm not sorry that I took your book to get you to come up here.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not either. Sometimes a whale needs his bait fish to remind him of where he is in the ocean... Or something like that. Anyway, thanks, buddy.

Kelly: You okay?
Pablo: No, I'm not. I got a really bad feeling about this.
Kelly: Really, because I haven't had a good feeling since we met Ash, and his stupid book.
Pablo: Exactly. The Book of the Dead never let's anybody off easy. It's like Ash said, everyone around him gets... dead. And now I am the book, and I may never be okay with myself if something bad...
Kelly: Hey. Where'd my powerful vagina go? Huh? Pablo, it's gonna be a piece of cake, all right? We'll find Ash, you'll take out that Goth demon.
Pablo: And then back to Jacksonville.
Kelly: Mmm, maybe not Jacksonville. But listen, you take care of this, I'll even make sure Ash gets the first round.
Pablo: [scoffs] Yeah, right.

Brujo: The girl is unwell. Tend to her.
[to Ash]
Brujo: Come, I'll look inside you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Good, check the old prostate while you're in there? Ah, boy, that one's just a barrel of laughs, isn't he?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Don't act like you know me.
Ruby: Oh, but I do. See one day long ago, you appeared in my book. El Jefe.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's Mr. Jefe to you. But the end of your story is not yet written. Now Ash, do you really think I want you and your little friends to die?
Ruby: No. I just want things to go back to the way they were, when the Dark Ones ruled over evil forces on Earth.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well, I just want to bang Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island, but that ain't gonna happen.
Ruby: The world is in chaos, and I want order. To consolidate the dark forces under one ruler: Me.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, so you're the good guy now? What, you wanna control all of these demons like The Godfather?
Ruby: Exactly.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, I hated that movie. Too long, and boring and not enough boobies. I'm more of a Death Wish kinda guy.
Ruby: You are the one obstacle in the way. So what's your price? What do you really want?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What do I want? I want this to be done. I want the last 40 years of my life...
Ruby: 10 years.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I want the last years of my life to be worth living. I want a 20 ounce steak every night for dinner. A little pad of butter right there. I want cable TV, with all the premium channels.
Ruby: And Jacksonville. Take it. I can give you all of that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, okay. No, no, no. You're tryin' to beguile with those radar eyes of yours. I call bullshit!
Ruby: What you should be calling is a truce. Lay down your weapons, and go back to your life. I am offering you the undo button you wanted. Take it.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Truce? I could get into that. Or... I could kill you now!

Lieutenant: [after throwing a child into a ceiling fan] A new member for my fan club!

Ash: [Watching Ruby disintegrating, mockingly] Ohh, Ruby, I'm melting! Fuck off, bitch!

Brujo: Depende de ti. Estoy contigo. Cuidate. Confia en ti. ---------TRANSLATION--------- It Depends On You. I'm With You. Take Care Of Yourself. Trust Yourself.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wow. Last time I was here with a girl, I was hopin' to get laid. Didn't quite work out that way. I cut my hand off with a chainsaw, though. It was a fun weekend.

Pablo: [Covered in blood] Mi nombre es Pablo Simon Bolivar y yo soy el Brujo Especial!
[laughs]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Groovy

Kelly: Who's the kid?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, believe it or not, that's my daughter. Sandy. Ah, Mandy.
Brandy: Brandy.
[sobbing]
Brandy: And fuck you.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: We're still getting to know each other.

Kelly: Soon as this asshole wakes up, this asshole is going to jail.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Number one, never say "ass" or "hole" in my presence ever again. Got it?

Pablo: If Kelly's mom is one of them, why wouldn't she have killed her *before* we got here?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's trying to reel in the bigger fish, don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it, no. You use it as a bait fish to catch the whale.
[awkward pause]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm the whale, Pablo.
Pablo: Yeah, I got that.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What's "Norway" for "up shit's creek?"

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [to Ashy-Slashy] Get your filthy puppet butthole off of my arm!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, if we get this done quick enough, we might have time to stop for churros.
[pauses and looks at Pablo]
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: That's not a racist thing, Pablo. That's just a great dessert.
Pablo: [Stares for a second] You know I am not Mexican, right?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [Smiles at him] That's the spirit!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Jesus of Anaheim.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Suck on that, Harpo.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, here's the plan: We bust in there, we fight through the carnage, we bail with the book.
Pablo: Okay, yeah. Oh God, what if Kelly's mom gave Kelly the evil force and then you have to cut off Kelly's head...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo! Focus up.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I know they say waitresses never get big tips, but that's all about to change.

Pablo: I don't trust her, Jefe. She's hiding something.
Kelly: Agreed. Something's funky. Because if she's some half-demon, immortal badass, why does she need us?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Look, I would trust a blind proctologist more than her, but you know the deal. Unless you a have a better plan?
Pablo: [holds up the Kandarian Dagger] Leave her with me while you guys go get the Book. I'll figure out what she's not telling us.
Kelly: Yeah, I don't think that's such a great idea.
Pablo: I got this. Trust and believe I'll carve her up like a Halloween pumpkin if she ever looks at me funny.
Kelly: Damn, Pablo. Badass.
Pablo: Not so much of a vagina now, am I?
Kelly: Well, actually, vaginas are powerful and life-affirming. But technically, you're more of a vagina than you've ever been.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, that was easy. Okay, let's the close the show with a little neck music.
[starts up chainsaw]

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Wait a minute. Candace Barr. Oh no, Candy Barr? Well, this daughter of ours, I bet she thinks I'm pretty special, huh?
Candace: Dream on. I told her her old man was some crack dealer who got shanked in prison.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: What?
Candace: Well, it was easier than admitting I'd hooked up with psycho saw-boy!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, okay, but I call B.S. I was using my lucky rubber all through the odds, and that sucker went 50 and 0.

Henrietta: I"m gonna stump you a new mud hole to suck out your soul!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I should've slapped you harder!

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, look, there is no way in hell they're gonna stay here, cause they're gonna get possessed, then they're gonna be on the night train to Kill-adelphia.
Kelly: With stops in Choke-lahoma City, and Die-ami.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Nice.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay so, Lionel, you're gonna be cool about this, right? You wouldn't wanna wanna jeopardize your life's work just 'cause there's a unconscious cop in your store, right? I mean, you get that.
Lionel: I do.
Kelly: You do?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Kelly, come on, he's cool. Let's not poke at it.

Kelly: [Pushes a Deadite's head into a meat slicer] Thin slice, just how I like it!

Ash: Evil has a bullseye on my back the size of Tiger Stadium.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Ladies, I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not drunk enough to know if this is good weird or bad weird, but I'll get there though!

Chet: Dude, there's a chainsaw in my backseat.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's mine.
Chet: What's it for?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Um... ice sculpture?
Chet: Oh. And the shotgun?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Uh, that's mine, too.
Chet: What's that for?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: In case they don't pay for the ice sculpture.

Rachel: All right, so you still haven't fallen for Elk Grove's small town charm?
Brandy: Excuse me? The whole town's excited because their ex-psycho killer is opening a hardware store. Kill me now.
Rachel: Could be worse.
Brandy: How?
Rachel: We could be like them.
Brandy: Oh, yeah. That'll never happen.
Rachel: Good, because if you did, I would have to slit my wrists.

Pablo: Fuck Kelly, shit's about to get loco up in this bitch. And even though the Jefe would never admit it, he can't defeat this evil without me.
Kelly: You're right; he'd never admit that.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You got the wrong Jefe, Chief.

Vivian: It is time to test the mettle of man.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: We gave peace a chance, now it's time for war.

Ruby: Oh, this is Baal's work for sure.
Pablo: He knows we're here.
Ruby: We got to get to Ash before Ball scrambles his peanut brain.
Pablo: Shit.
Ruby: What is it?
Pablo: This is going to happen no matter whether we like it or not, isn't it?
Ruby: Look, we're going to find Baal. You're going to harness the power of that Book against him, and none of this is going to be in vain.
Pablo: And you promise me that we're all going to live happily ever after?
Ruby: Even if this goes perfectly, there's a good chance you'll die.
Pablo: Wow. Ruby, I know you're new to this whole mortal thing, where people don't live forever, the idea of dying really sucks.
Ruby: Well, I was just trying to be honest. But all right, you go on thinking all the sweet things you're going to do, if you survive or not, I'll find a way out of here.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Shoot first, think never.
Pablo: Noted.

Tattoo: We know who you are.

Linda's: You can't save her. Everyone you care about dies.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Shut up, I can get to her.
Linda's: No, you can't! You don't need her. You already have a girlfriend, you have me. Come over here. I'll suck you off. I give good head. You can skull fuck me good. It's the best you're gonna get, Ash! No woman would want you!

Kelly: [sees her reflection] What the actual... Fuck me! Oh, I look like Keith Richards.
Brandy: I was thinking more Iggy Pop.
Ash: Filthy and not fine.

Amanda: Detective Fisher. State police.
[Pablo whacks Amanda in the back of the head with an enormous bone]
Pablo: Did she say she was a cop? Oh shit! I just knocked out a cop! It was self-defense.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I've gotta duct-tape some big-ass bullet holes before I roll.

Amanda: Wait, your ex-girlfriend is in the work shed?
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Part of her. It's complicated. Maybe I shouldn't go there.
Amanda: Well, if you don't want to talk about it...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: She got possessed, I cut her head off with a shovel, then she did this crazy dance in the moon light, I put her head in a vice, and then I cut it with a chainsaw. But she did have a rockin' bod, though.

Suzy: Now the three of you will perish together. Evil will walk the Earth!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well, your cooking was shit.

Kelly: All right, if we actually do find him, no one can tell him it was because of that stupid pet tracker. He'll never let us forget it.
Pablo: Come on guys, let's go save the world. Can I get a Ghost Beaters!

Brock: I like my kids cooked medium rare!
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: And I like the smell of old men in the morning!

Pablo: Reading from the book is what caused all of this trouble to begin with, so...
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's true. But reading from it again can't make things any worse. It's kinda like spilling paint on a painting. It's okay 'cause there was already paint on it.
Pablo: That is incorrect.

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [cuts and burns Ruby with the Kandarian Dagger] Well, I guess this doesn't count as one of my "stupid mortal toys." Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this, Ruby, 'cause I dislike you, a lot. You get that fuckin' book off my friend's face.
Ruby: Oh what? Gonna kill me? You do it, and they're both dead. And after The Book has killed her, it'll kill him. Nothing you can do about it.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Except kill you.
Ruby: Or... you can take the deal. Think about, Ash. You are old. and fat and weak. You cannot keep this up forever. Lay down your weapons and go back to your life. You know that deep down we *both* want the same thing.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No, pretty sure I don't wanna destroy humanity.
Ruby: I don't wanna destroy anything. I want humanity to flourish. Without good, there is no evil. I just want evil under control, same as you. Difference is, you never signed up for any of this. Ash, your entire life has been marked by tragedy, and desperation, and a woeful inadequacy.
Ruby: I get the idea.
Ruby: Just take the deal. It's what you've always wanted.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: No. It's not just about my life anymore. I want their lives back too! They're comin' with me!
Ruby: I can do that.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Prove it.

Pablo: Kelly, you need to be careful of revenge. My uncle, he always said, "Pablito, beware anger, fear revenge. If once you start down that path, forever, it will dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will."
Kelly: Did you just Yoda quote me?

Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [to Fisher] What? You never saw a guy with a chainsaw hand before?

Brujo: I've been expecting you.
Pablo: Have you?
Brujo: Two days ago, an ill-wind whispered your name. Curious how you abandon your faith, but come back for him.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Ash Williams. Go easy on him. He's a good kid.
Brujo: Go easy? Pablo has always taken the easy road.
Pablo: Mira Tio, perdoname. Okay, you've got every reason to be upset. I completely dismissed everything that you did here, but I was so wrong, and I know it now.
Brujo: Do you?
Pablo: When I was a kid, you told me tales of great heroes who fought against the darkness. Jefes. I think that Ash is one of them.
Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: "When Evil shows up, it blows up." Still workin' on the slogan.