20 Best Jeff Greene Quotes

Jeff: Who are you?
Larry: I'm Larry David.
Jeff: And what do you happen to enjoy?
Larry: I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.

Jeff: [Larry walks out of the restaurant as Jeff runs up to him] Larry! A dog! She chose a fucking dog over her own father!
Larry: You sat down, you layed it out...
Jeff: I talked to her! I told her, daddy's sick! He can't in the same house as Oscar, she wants Oscar! She wants the dog!
Larry: Okay, c-calm down...
Jeff: Where is the dog?
Larry: They took him back-to- to your house.
Jeff: My house? No, no. His house! It's his house! I'm at the W hotel. It's his house now!
Larry: By the way, they turned up a bra today. There's no corpse.
Jeff: [taken aback] A bra?
Larry: Yeah. That...
Jeff: A bra- What the fuck is wrong with that dog?
Larry: [chuckles] He's a bra sniffing dog.
Jeff: A bra sniffing dog? What the fuck!
Larry: So they're closing us down for three weeks now.
Jeff: Because of a bra?
Larry: Yeah, they dug up the whole place in there...
Jeff: [furious] That fucking dog!
Larry: Hey, calm down.
Jeff: No!
Larry: Calm down!
[laughs]

Jeff: What's with the hat?
Larry: What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Jeff: What happened to you?
Larry: I fell in the toilet.
Jeff: How did you fall in the toilet?
Larry: I went to go pee and the seat was up.
Jeff: What does that have to do with you?
Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting *down*?
Larry: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up. And you get to read.
Jeff: [incredulously] What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I pee 20 times during a day, I can get through the whole New York Times for God's sake!
Jeff: 20 times?
Larry: Yeah! Hey buddy, while you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something!

Larry: I pee sitting down.
Jeff: You pee sitting down?
Larry: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff: No!
Larry: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff: What are you reading?
Larry: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff: What stuff?
Larry: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Jeff: Twenty times?
Larry: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
Jeff: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?

[after Larry turned down sex from Cady Huffman because she had a Bush picture in her dressing room]
Jeff: What the fuck were you thinking! A picture of Bush, who gives a flying fuck? I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on!

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff: Goodnight, nurse...
Nurse: Goodnight.
Jeff: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I never heard of it.
Jeff: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff: Do you?
Nurse: Do *you*?
Jeff: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.

Susie: [after discovering that Larry and Jeff stole the head from her daughter's doll] You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get the head!
Jeff: [later] Boy, I did not need that.

Jeff: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
Larry: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
Jeff: They think you're a misogynist.
Larry: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
Jeff: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
Larry: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
Jeff: Well, cunt's worse.
Larry: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
Jeff: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
Larry: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
Jeff: I never questioned, it just is.
Larry: That's sexist to me! Come on.

Jeff: [In a meeting with HBO execs, the President sarcastically asks Larry how his "stepfather" is feeling. Larry becomes offended and walks out of the meeting. Jeff and Julia Louis-Dreyfus soon follow, catching up with Larry near the elevator] Larry, what was that? Why did you walk out?
Larry: He implied that I was lying about my stepfather being sick.
Jeff: But you don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication.

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]

Larry: Pee before you leave, that's my credo.
Jeff: It's a good credo.

Larry: Hey... um, I think I want to go home. Let's go home.
Cheryl: No! We haven't even had dessert yet.
Larry: So what? We don't need dessert. Come on.
Cheryl: Well, it's rude. You stay for dessert.
Larry: Oh, so what? Dessert, it's no big deal, we can just go. Come on.
Cheryl: Why do you want to go home?
Larry: I need to use the bathroom.
Cheryl: [incredulously] So go use the bathroom.
Larry: I don't want to use this bathroom. I want my own.
Cheryl: Why?
Larry: This project demands I get back to my base. I need my base.
Cheryl: [exasperated] We're not going home for you to...
Jeff: What's the matter?
Cheryl: Larry wants to go home to use the bathroom. It's like...
Larry: Hey Cheryl, what do you, need to tell the whole table? Why don't you get up and make an announcement?
Jeff: What, like you've never done that with me at lunch? It's the craziest thing in the world.
Cheryl: It's ridiculous. He can use THIS bathroom.
Larry: You, you're a Gentile, you'd go in the middle of 5th Avenue. It's different for Jews!

Jeff: Jeff Greene: Can I get you a drink?
Irma: Irma Kostroski: No, I don't drink. I'm in recovery, as Larry knows. I have a terrible relationship with alcohol. I was a horrible person. I was blacking-out in council meetings. And then my personal low: I woke up, I was 50 miles outside of Bakersfield with no pants on and a casino chip in my hand, and I had no idea how I got there. That's when I realized I had to get help, so I'm in the program, which is just fantastic. And I had to acknowledge that there's a higher power. You have to give yourself over. Uh, I had a sponsor. I had four Steves and one Eric. And I have to go. I have to go and mingle out there, but I thank you for asking. God bless you Jeff for caring and asking. If you ever get into the situation... But thank you. Thank you! God bless! God bless!

Larry: [referring to Susie Greene's bra size] You know what? I think she's about the same size as Maria, my housekeeper.
Jeff: Really?
Larry: Yeah. You know what size she is?
Jeff: [looking toward Susie] No. I could find out.
Larry: Would you?
Jeff: Sure!
Larry: Thank you. Thank you!
Jeff: Do you know what Cheryl's size is?
Larry: I just found out, and I gotta tell ya something - I'm a little disappointed.
Jeff: Really? What, B cup?
Larry: Aah, I'd rather not say.
Jeff: C?
Larry: I can't, you know...
Jeff: 32? 34?
Larry: I don't want to talk about it.
Jeff: C'mon.
Larry: I don't want to talk about it!
Jeff: Come on! I'm giving you Susie's bra size, give me Cheryl's bra size. It's a trade.
Larry: Aah, I can't. I don't want to.
Jeff: You know what? You don't tell me Cheryl's, I ain't telling you Susie's!
Larry: Okay. Fine.
Jeff: Okay! Fine. I'm not the one who has to go out and buy a bra.
Larry: I don't give a shit.
Jeff: Oh yeah you do.

Larry: I think I tipped that guy twice.
Jeff: What? Why wouldn't he tell you?
Larry: Because he got twice the money.
[sarcastically]
Larry: Why?

Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
Jeff: You don't have a stepfather.
Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication!

Jeff: Hey, do you want to have dinner tomorrow before the show?
Larry: Oh, I don't know...
Cheryl: We've got plans.
Larry: We don't have plans, we just don't want to have dinner with you.
Cheryl: [exasperated] Larry...

Restaurant: Hi, I'm the manager. There's been a delay in your meals. I'm very sorry. There's been a disturbance in the kitchen. But, we're taking care of it. Thanks.
Larry: Well, what kind of disturbance?
Restaurant: A general disturbance.
Larry: What's a general disturbance?
Restaurant: Well, let's just say it was a minor hiccup.
Jeff: Was it a hiccup or a disturbance?
Restaurant: It's such a small disturbance, it might be either one.
Larry: What like... was the chef angry or did somebody drop some pots and pans? What happened?
Restaurant: Let's just say the disturbance happened. Okay, that's a fact, and we're taking care of it.
Larry: Are you listening to this?
Jeff: I am.
Larry: Wait a second. How come you won't tell me what the disturbance was?
Restaurant: Oh, well that's a very good question and I'm on top of it.
Larry: Thank you, I'm glad you thought it was a good question because it was a really atrocious answer.
Restaurant: Well, I beg to differ.
Larry: Let me ask you this question. How in God's name did you get this job?
Restaurant: I am great at dealing with these disturbances.

Jeff: [after Larry said he didn't want to take a tour of Suzie and Jeff's new house] I don't want to make a big deal out of this. I am just going to mention it and that's it... It wouldn't have killed you to have taken the house tour.
Larry: I feel very queer taking house tours.
Jeff: What queer? My wife shows you the house...
Larry: I gotta march up and down the house going,
[in a gay voice]
Larry: "Oh it's nice, it's nice..."
Jeff: Did you have to go somewhere?
Larry: No.
Jeff: Alright, you know what then...
Larry: [in the gay voice again] "Oh, that looks good. Hey look at that closet! Oh ho hey, very nice beams up there. I like those beams, yeah. What's the name of that architect?"
Jeff: [sighs]
Larry: [takes a sip of coffee] Good coffee.