50 Best Dennis Miller Quotes

Weekend: NBC's Miami Vice has it's final episode tomorrow from 9 to 11 p.m. and if at precisely 11.01, the Earth seems to be rotating a little faster, you'll know that Philip Michael Thomas has just dropped off the face of the planet.

Weekend: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Saddam Hussein went on Iraqi radio earlier today and told Iraqi citizens to prepair for quote 'the mother of all surrenders'.

Zander: What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?

Weekend: Remember, tonight's the night you set your clock back an hour, just to confuse it's little clock mind.

Weekend: In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. "This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest," said Bush.

Weekend: On Tuesday, an earthquake shook the Central Asian Republic of Tadzhikistan. While there were no casualties, the quake was strong enough to change the name of the place to Stanzhikitad.

Weekend: Beirut lost it's city charter this week and has been officially declared a huge, open air Nintendo game.

Zander: Bob Seger? Come on, back then you were listenin' to Leif Garrett. It was probably more like this...
[flashback to a young Joe Dirt dancing to a Leif Garrett song]
Joe: Hell no, man I don't listen to that crap! I'm a rocker, dude through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep.

Weekend: Today is the Ides of March, the two thousand and thirtieth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar. Now here's a guy who was a statesman, a military genius, an author and the leader of the Roman Empire and how is he remembered today? A Vegas hotel and a salad you can only order for two people.
[audience laughs]
Weekend: Sorry Julie, it's the best we could do, babe.

Weekend: Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Gustav Pinochet is blaming his defeat in Wednesday's nationwide referendum, on his running mate Daniel Dequayer. Chilean voters worried that Dequayer would not be brutal enough in the event he had to assume power. Dequayer, who is called El Pendexito, or, literally, "Little Pubic Hair", says... says he's at least as brutal as Franco was when he took power. A spokesman for the opposition said, "Hey, I know Franco; I was tortured by Franco; he's no Franco."

Zander: God Almighty, from inbred heaven? Hey freak boy, 1976 called. It wants its hairstyle back.

Weekend: The most startling revelation to come out of the Kelley book to me, is that Ronald Reagan was married before Nancy, to Bill Wyman from the Rolling Stones, and you know... I mean... who marries the bass player?

Weekend: And according to reports coming out of Berlin this week, since the wall has come down, millions of elderly East Germans have been complaining about a bit of a draft.

Weekend: The disaster in Armenia this week put off a potential meeting between Gorbachev and American entrepreneur Donald Trump. A much awaited meeting between a Bolshevik and a Bolshevik artist.

Weekend: What are the odds on losing the Berlin Wall and Irving Berling in the same year?

Weekend: President-elect Bush received a call from former President Nixon this week, reportedly asking for a presidential pardon. When Bush pointed out that Nixon had already received the pardon from Gerald Ford, Nixon replied "I know, but I've done some bad things since then."

Weekend: And remember, tonight at 2 a.m. set your clock back one hour to 1 a.m. But I warn you, an hour later it'll be 2 a.m. once more and you'll have to do it again and again and again and again... Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here.

Weekend: Bush began cutting back on his campaign pledges this week, he's already down to 800 points of light.

Weekend: In a bizarre mix-up this week, George Bush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Little Richards was sworn in as the 41st President of the United States. In an interesting side-note, Little Richard will act as his own First Lady.

Weekend: And how many of you recognize this word, syzygy? Well, in addition to being the surname of many New York city cab drivers...

Zander: What's the story here, I'm a white trash idiot?

Weekend: Newly elected governor of Arizona Evan Mecham ran on a platform that included a promise to cancel the states's observance of Martin Luther King Jr's birthday, now a federal holiday. True to his word, Arizona last week did not observe the holiday. Has anybody here seen my old friend Evan? Can you tell me where he's gone? I thought I saw him walking on, over the hill, with Benito, Adolph and Juan.
[audience cheers and applaudes]
Weekend: Juan Perón that is, you know it's really hard to rhyme fascists.

Zander: Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?

Weekend: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Last week, Saddam Hussein released all the hostages. President Bush said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq, unless they left Kuwait. This week Hussein said 'Okay, okay, I'll be out of Kuwait in a week.' Bush said: 'Too late, we're gonna attack you anyway, you have embarrassed me in front of my woman.' Upon being reached for a comment, Barbara Bush said: 'George still turns me on when he talks nasty like that.'

Weekend: People Magazine's cover story was Pat Anthony, the surrogate mother who gave birth to her own grandchildren. Her daughter Karen plans to legally adopt the triplets, which means the kids' biological mother is now their stepmother, her husband is no longer their grandfather, and they won't have to call each other "Uncle". They also announced plans to move to Aurora, Alabama, where this sort of relationship doesn't seem to be a problem.

Weekend: [referring to Chris Farley] At least we didn't see his ass this week.

Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dennis: Dashing through the snow...
Dana: In a one-horse open sleigh...
Tom: Over the fields we go...
Dana: ...laughing all the way... Ha-haaa!
Dennis: Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana: Hey, what the hell'is a bobtail, Cha-Cha?
Tom: Don't be a big pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song, ho!
Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! *babe*!
[two of the Dennis Millers start cackling]
Dennis: Enough! Enough! Enough!
Dana: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh... Guess what folks, that's the news and we are outta here!

Weekend: Brooke Shields is being held for questioning for the serial eyebrow snatching.

Weekend: Thank you for applauding my frisky nature.

The Phantom of the Update: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance in a lifeboat of oversimplification is A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture.

Weekend: Yesterday was Friday the 13th. Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been 935 Fridays the 13th, which is only 14 less than the number of Friday the 13th movie sequels.

Weekend: Today is the 482th birthday of Nostradamus, the French astrologer and prognosticator, who actually predicted that I would have no payoff for this joke.

Weekend: [screen shows photograph of Dan Quayle holding up a pumpkin] Well. Here's an Update quiz: what's the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.

Weekend: Yeah, I love the Pogues, but I've always been a sucker for lyrics. Hey, what can I tell you?

Weekend: In a valiant effort to fight off the wimp label, Vice President George Bush has announced that for the rest of the campaign he's changing his name to 'George Butch'.

Weekend: Swedish skier Thomas Wassberg was disqualified by Olympic judges this week because his pants were quote "just too faggy for words."

Weekend: This week, the giant Mitsubishi company of Japan bought New York City's Rockefeller Center, which includes the Radio City Music Hall and the building we do our show from, which will be hence be known as '30 Wok'.

Weekend: And the number one oil spill of all time: Jerry Lewis' hair, Labor Day, 1988, Caesars Palace: 165 million gallons.

Lorne: Is there anything special you'd like to do for your last show?
Dennis: Really?
Lorne: Anything, Dennis, you name it.
Dennis: Well, you know, I've always wanted to say, Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.
Lorne: Well, there's the camera. Be my guest.
Dennis: Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Lorne: That was great. Uh, well... we're gonna miss you, Dennis.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too, Lorne.
[they shake hands]
Lorne: Well, time to start the show. Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Dennis: [a photo of George W. Bush is shown] Know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. You know, he's really so much better looking than his father, isn't he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I... I'll betcha the old man hates him!

Weekend: US economists this week introduced a new term for the rich of our country, we now have millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires and a new classification for people who say they're millionaires but really aren't: the designation Milli Vanilliionaire goes into effect on January first.

Dennis: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?

Weekend: TV Commentator Bill Moyers announced he's leaving CBS for PBS. Hey, anyway you cut it, it's still BS.

Weekend: I don't know, I just had to ask: why do pumpkins never take care of their teeth?

Weekend: I read the news today, oh boy. And guess what? That's it and I am outta here.

Weekend: You know we live in troubled times when Iran is concidered safe harbor.

Zander: Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe.

Weekend: Thank you for sharing your opinions and good luck.
Lyndon: I'll get you for that.

Dennis: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis: Ba-na-na-na-na!

Weekend: You know, it was fifteen years ago today that Elvis... uh... well, I'm sure he did something. He was the King, it was a weekend.