Top 800 Quotes From Saturday Night Live

Tom: [on public phone] Hello, this is Tom Tully, eh, I have a confession.
Priest: [on other line in the next stall] Tom, You're gonna have to speak up, I'm sorry.
Tom: [shouting] This is Tom Tully, I have a confession!
Priest: Hello Tom, go ahead.
Tom: Yeah, eh, I had some impure thoughts, Father.
Priest: I see, well, what kind of thoughts?
Tom: Eh, lustful thoughts, Father.
Priest: A bus full of what?

Chris: In my tennis career I've known both victory and defeat, but I say doing comedy is easier, because when a joke fails, at least you don't have a bunch of people laughing at you. Heh, right... like, like right now.

Harry: Rabbi, you do not seem to unerstand here: my wife is sleeping with another man!
Rabbi: Sleeping, in the bed, sleeping?
Rabbi: Yes!
Rabbi: Naked in the bed sleeping?
Harry: I'm afraid so, yes.

Nick: You know... J, the first place I go down in... Orlando is Disney World, because... it's always new, it's always exciting, it's always alive. What do you do?
Jamarro: I like to get a shoe shine, a haircut, take out my jet-ski, and cruise the beaches for young, some young white girls.

Saturday: SNL News would like to announce that not only is Kaufman still banned from this show, but he now owes the NBC Network eighty thousand dollars and some change.

Weekend: Swedish skier Thomas Wassberg was disqualified by Olympic judges this week because his pants were quote "just too faggy for words."

Victoria: [analyzing Dumb Blonde jokes] What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Goes home. Well, of course you go home, you have to change your clothes before you go to work.

Middle: Retired Man, Independent Widow has defeated me.
Retired: But how?
Middle: Her powers are more helpful than mine. And yet, I am strangely attracted to her in an Angela Lansbury sort of way.

Ellen: She's a pig.

Audience: Uh, yeah... this isn't so much a question about you, but I'm a big Twin Peaks fan, and I was kind of wondering: are we going to find out this year who killed Laura Palmer?
Kyle: Yeah, its... uh.. it's Shelly the waitress, and uh... they're going to reveal that in the last episode, so... Any, eh... any more questions, or...? Okay. Look, we've got a great show tonight. Sinead O'Conner is here.

Dieter: Now I am as happy as a little girl.

Weekend: And remember, tonight at 2 a.m. set your clock back one hour to 1 a.m. But I warn you, an hour later it'll be 2 a.m. once more and you'll have to do it again and again and again and again... Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here.

Fred: Well, ma'am, you see, when a VP like yourself comes to Milain to do business, it's customary for the company to send a gal up to the room, compliments of Great Lakes Feed & Grain. And, well... since you're a gal, the company sent me
[turns to camera]
Fred: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

Doctor: Now, if you take my advice, you both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.
Young: But, what about, eh... what about you?
Young: [quietly] Doctor, what about...
Doctor: Oh, Ill be fine, I'm in another sketch over there and it's much, much better than this one.

Lorne: [Tim Robbins crumples up his monologue script and throws it on the floor] Hey, don't throw that away. A lot of this can be used next week with Joe Pesci.

Drover: You see, Jake, when you go into town, it's not just you going... it's me, and it's Flappy... and it's Toothless and it's Beaverhead... Squishy and... Little Squishy and... Gabby and Garbonzo... . and Big Squishy and Roy... and Psycho... and all the rest.

Middle: God, I don't believe I said that... I sound just like my father...
Wife: You're, you're father?
Middle: Yeah, Retired Man.
Middle: Well... now what's the difference between you and Retired Man?
Wife: I know how to hook up a VCR.

Weekend: Yeah, I love the Pogues, but I've always been a sucker for lyrics. Hey, what can I tell you?

John: A year and a half ago I hosted this show and I tasted the sweetness of this moment. But then...
[kneels down for dramatic effect]
John: ... I had to let it go. Week after week a pathetic parade of pretenders stood up here, and tried to fill my shoes. I could only watch... how painful was my exile. But now I am back in full glory!

Dana: Jon! I thought you were dead.
Jon: Acting!
[shoots Dana Carvey]

Girl: Yow! Jessica Chase!
Girl: A girl I've never even spoken to.
Girl: She's a practicing lawyer, and we're still living at home.
Girl: I don't like our chances.

Jane: [explaining why John Belushi won't speak to Gary Busey] Well, the way he looks at it, you're both young, electrifying, not very good looking actors who speak for the rock generation. So the Academy could only pick one of you and John feels you stole his nomination.

Pamela: First they wanna know: why did you leave Dynasty? The fame, the money, Jeff... the clothes...

Weekend: Well, in San Diego yesterday, President Bush said the best way to avoid medical bills is to stay healthy. He also added the best way to live long is not to die.

Ann: You'd better send out for an icecream sandwich, pal, this cow's milk isn't free!

Ross: So, Step 1: a National Curfew, nationwide, lights out, 8:45 pm. Now, you may say, "Ross, what am I gonna do after 8:45?" Well, I suggest you sleep. And you'll be glad you did when you hear that National Wake-Up Siren at 4:45 am. And don't worry, you won't sleep through it; it's gonna be loud! See, now, this way, you can start your fifteen-hour work day at 5:30 am, and be back in bed by lights out. Now, now what does this accomplish? First of all, this curfew cuts our energy consumption by 21%, reducing the deficit by $700 billion in the first ninety days alone! See, now, now that's easier than squeezing a pimple on your ass. I rest my case.

Angus: [trying to get backstage at a Kiss concert, carrying a parachute] Excuse me, I'm Paul Stanley's brother, it's his birthday tonight, I'm in the airforce and I bailed out over the city to get here.
Steve: Gee, that's the best one I've heard tonight.

Jenny: Well let me tell you something, mister: the world doesn't stop turning when you walk out of a room. Life is for the prompt!

Kyle S.: And you know what?
Stuart: What?
Kyle S.: Chicken Butt.

Weekend: The streets of L.A. are relatively quiet now as thousands of looters are staying home trying to figure out how to programme their new VCRs.

Richard: I got a million slogans. Look at this one: The New Dick. Isn't that nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
Pat: It's short and sweet but I don't think everybody wants to see it.

Weekend: Hayakawa reportedly commented later: I need my sleep. Poor people don't need sleep because they're not working and they don't get tired.

Mobster: We recommend that you kill as soon as possible, both Don Cornelius and Don Kirshner.

Announcer: [voice over] Now, get ready for a man so black, he goes to funerals naked. Step back, 'cause heeeeere's Nat!

Spokesperson: The Myowling Bible will enrich your life. Or nine lives, as the case may be.

Dieter: Vas, the supressed visionairy, who's films include "The Dead Coat", "Irritant Number Four" and "Here, Child, Finish your Nothing", he entered the West three days ago and has agreed to appear on Sprockets and speak with me, his greatest fan. Please welcome: Gregor Vas.

Prostitute: Hi... I'm Princess Leia and I want you to be my Wookiee. And when I fire my retrorockets, you're gonna go on a journey around the universe.

[repeated line]
Stuart: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!

Desi: [during a reading of the Jabberwocky] Who the hell talks like this?

Dog: These are my sins: I walked on the furniture when noone was home, I chased squirrels three times. I chewed on shoes four times.

Dale: [talking into tape recorder] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Balsam shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

executive: Eh, M-Mr. Kelly, sir, I've been playing around with a few slogans here, eh, I'd like to try on you: Kelly Cola, more than just a Cola... It's a Cola and an Aluminum Can!

Franz: Ja, unfortunately, we have to waste valuable time talking about a nasty issue.
Hans: Steroids!
Franz: Yeah. You know, we ourselves have even come under attack for using them.
Hans: Ja, but they are sadly mistaken, my friend. Because we are just like yogurt, all natural, no chemicals.
Franz: Ja, ja. But there is no fruit at the bottom of us, only muscle. That's right! And not just at the bottom but throughout, as if we were pre-stirred muscle yogurt.

Linda: How do you put your make-up on, Joan, with a spatula?
Joan: I know what your hair reminds me of: café curtains.

Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.

Lisa: [cheerleading routine] Lean to the left, lean to the right, Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Lorne: Ah! It's the new "Saturday Night Live" logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90's, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and shapes reveal how you're responding to a sketch.

Church: [to Marla Maples] A week ago, you were an unknown actress/model and here you are, known to millions as the "Trump Pump".

Mr. President: Let's haul ass!

Mister: There are lots of things you can sell, on the streets. All you have to do is be an entrepreneur. That's our word for today, boys and girls.
[walks over to sign which reads 'Ontapanure']

Sandra: Oh Dion, you make me feel like a woman.
Dion: Oh, I know that feeling, girl.
Sandra: Have you ever considered, perhaps... dating a... a white woman?
Dion: Only Bette Midler.

President: But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin' yet, wouldn't be prudent.

Ray: Now, what Mr. Mike doesn't know ... is, at the party, are going to be ten or twelve of the biggest black dudes he's ever seen in his life. And they're gonna whoop him upside his head and break every bone in his body. So please don't tell him!

Lothar of the Hill People: It is written by the ancients but again it is still truth. Women. You cannot walk with them and yet you cannot club them.

Pablo: Hey, hey, stick around fellas, Picasso's got hayfever!

Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Jim: [on Saturday Night News] Brad, you ignorant slut.

Weekend: NBC's Miami Vice has it's final episode tomorrow from 9 to 11 p.m. and if at precisely 11.01, the Earth seems to be rotating a little faster, you'll know that Philip Michael Thomas has just dropped off the face of the planet.

Andie: [adressing her father during her monologue] So daddy, we just did a rehearsal, and I just wanted to let you know that I saw the show and I think that you ought... to-tonight that you ought to go to the kitchen, maybe and make a sandwich at eleven forty-one, and it should take about seven minutes to do it, and, yeah, and at twelve o four, it might be a good time to take the plate back to the kitchen and get a beer, and, listen, but there's a real pretty scene at twelve twenty-three, so, you don't have to leave, but you might just wanna turn down the volume... and that way, you know, everybody could talk about how pretty I look 'till about twelve twenty-eight.

Bondgirl: James, be careful. Goldsting does not like to lose.
James: Oh, like I do?

Alfred: If you have time for pizza with your friends, you have time for blackjack. If you have time to listen to rock and roll music, you have time for blackjack. If you have time for basketball... you have time for blackjack. I trust I have made myself clear?

That: [performing the White Rap] I jog until my face is blue, then scrape the dog doo off my shoe.

Dr. Jonathan Lear: Have a nice day, DNA!

Dr. Tongue: Believe me, Eddie, this is the perfect film for you to be doing at this stage in your career.
Eddie: You know, I do like the title "3-D Chicks in Their Underwear", I like that.

Wilbur: Oh, by the way, Miss Jenson, I'm terrifeid of gorilla's, so please don't dress like one.

Weekend Update Station manager: Jane, you magnificently ignorant slut.

A. Whitney Brown: The network censors seem to think we're going to offend our audience by speaking to them as if they were adults. But over the past twelve years anyone who is capable of being offended has learned not to watch Saturday Night Live. We... we have widdled our viewers down to a jaded, thick-skinned group of thrillseekers.
[audience cheers]

Tommy: No, no, not me mom, I don't lie any more, nope. Not since I've been a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous.
Mother: Really?
Tommy: Yep, been a member for, eh... nine months now.
Mother: Well that's funny, you never had that problem when you were a kid.
Tommy: Oh yeah, well...
Mother: Well, of course there were other problems, like those darn wild dogs that used to chew up your report card...
Tommy: Oh yeah, I remember them.
Tommy: Aah, and those escaped convicts that used to leave the girlie magazines under your mattress.
Tommy: Yeah, yeah, those were the ones that used to drink all o' dads liquor.

Weekend: In the news this week: President-elect George Bush this week finally owned up and admitted that the only reason he chose Dan Quayle as his running mate was to guarantee that no one would attempt to assassinate him in the next four years. "This guy is a walking, breathing bullet-proof vest," said Bush.

Doug: [after Martin Short already played Doug Henning during a sketch, Rich Halls appears as Henning during Saturday Night News] Thank you, thank you. Oh, it's so wonderful to be here. Oh, and isn't it so amazing that there are two Doug Hennings on this show? Heh, heh, oh, that's my favorite illusion. You can never have enough Doug Hennings.

Judas: You know, it's gottaa be tough deciding what to get for him, his birthday's so close to hanukkah.

Elliott: Mom, It's Mr. T!
Mr. T: That's right, it's Mr. T. And I come here to fetch my boy, 'E'!
Mary: But... but E.T. was from outer space.
Mr. T: Where the hell do you think I come from, Orange County?

Rick: Thank you, thank you very much. And really, thank you for indulging me. I've been watching this show for years, and I've always wanted to play with this fabulous band and run the camera and direct the show and deliver a baby right here on Saturday Night Live.

Stan: [about Ringo] He can freeze his little Beatle butt off outside for all I care!

The: I see that you blush.
[pause]
The: We will talk of other things. I spoke before of my three great passions. One, being fine champagne. Another... the art... of massage. Yes! I am a fully-trained and licensed masseur. You see my diploma... from the University of Beijing.

Ms. Luke: [curious about the big ugly scar on Jake's face] Jake, how did it happen?
Jake the Hired Hand: Well, a long story, Ms. Luke. Started when my momma got scalped by the Chipamunk Injuns. See, the captured me and they raised me as a Chipamunk. Well, I'll tell ya, we were out one day, we got bushwacked by a bunch of wild Mexicans! Huh, yeah... they raised me as a Mexican. Well, I was gettin' on to be about 35 by then, so I thought I'd make out my own road. I didn't get more than 5 yards when I got captured by a pack of wild wolves, who insisted on raising me. Huh! Well, they passed me on to a group of coyotes, and then they raised me.
Ms. Luke: All right, Jake, but how did you get the scar?
Jake the Hired Hand: Ah, I cut myself shavin'.

Matt: You think that because I'm a man, I'm less of a nurse, is that it?

Husband: Where did you get these powers?
Middle: They came to me when I realized my own mortality. You see, there was a time when I wasn't Middle-Aged Man, I was Young Man and my father was Middle-Aged Man and his father was Retired Man.
Husband: Who is your grandfather now?
Middle: Dead Man. But that's another story.

Santa: Harry, here's a list of who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Hanukkah: Hmm.
[takes a look at the list]
Hanukkah: Hmm... Brad Anderson, naughty. Well now what'd he do that was so bad?
Santa: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn't spoken to.
Hanukkah: What? What is with you people? What, is that a crime? He's a kid! Kids talk. I'll bring him a little something.

Steven: Sometimes you can't hear what I'm saying, it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses.

Weekend: This week, to celebrate it's 50th anniversary, Ted Turner's Superstation broadcast the classic "Gone With the Wind". This time Turner racially colorized the film, so that the white actors became black and the black actors became white, confusing many who were seeing the movie for the first time.

The: The Rich Man, about to have a flashback: El Backo de Flasho!

Jeopardy!: [voice over] And our contestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit. Forget anything you want with the twist of the dial. So effective, you won't remember you own own. Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics.

Lauren: Brooke Shields is one of the world's leading microphysicists! Cybill Shepherd invented the laser beam!

Doctor: I'm afraid we have some bad news.
Young: What! What is it?
Doctor: Well, we just can't come up with an ending for this sketch.
Young: Oh...
Doctor: We can't keep going on and on with these lame jokes and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Centurion: You are very lucky to have parents like those, Brad. you listen to them! They're good parents!
[after they have left]
Centurion: Lieutenant, have the three of them put to death. And cut off their heads and put them on some poles out in front of the camp.

Miles: [narrating] My name is Miles Cowperthwaite and I am of course, an orphan. My father died two years before I was born and my mother a year later. And again, a year after that.

Weekend: [referring to Chris Farley] At least we didn't see his ass this week.

Ripley: ["Aliens" sketch, the humans are trapped] OK. Whatever it is, it's coming down that elevator. So, when the doors open; open fire and don't stop until it's dead! Here it comes!
[elevator doors open, soldiers start shooting]
Marine: Oh, my God!
[ET falls out of the elevator]
Marine: Man, we're really screwed now! We killed ET, man! What are we going to do!
Ripley: OK, OK. We got to think of a story. Uh, hand me that gun. OK. ET came in, he was drunk and waving this pistol -
[puts gun in ET's hand]
Ripley: - and then he started shooting and we had to kill him in self defense.

Bianca: Do I think that make-up is important? I do not use make-up, Truman, you know that I do not use make-up. What is make-up? Make-up uses me. I make the make-up look good. You completely misunderstand.

Betty: And now, here's the group you've all been waiting for, to sing their hit single about me and my waiste size, it's called "She's sexy and 17". Ladies and gentlemen: the Stray Cats!

Emily: But Jane, don't you understand? I'm in love, like all I can do is think about him. I'm hot. Red hot. I mean, you could melt butter all over parts of my body. Eh, I mean my heart's beating in places it's never beaten before!

Weekend: And tonight's the night we go to daylight savings time, so move the expiration date on your condom ahead one hour. Guess what, folks? That's the news, and I am outta here.

Frank: Look, we're all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy's gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake: you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you're a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Weekend: And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman's hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.

Ross: [on TV montor during Larry King Live] I'm ready as a ham sandwich at a church picnic.

The: My NBC soul brothers are taking care of it so I can relax, let's get on with the show!

Captain: Mr. Sulu, what happened to the Russian dressing?
Sulu: The dispenser is jammed, captain. It will take days to repair.
Captain: We don't have days!

Weekend: President-elect Bush received a call from former President Nixon this week, reportedly asking for a presidential pardon. When Bush pointed out that Nixon had already received the pardon from Gerald Ford, Nixon replied "I know, but I've done some bad things since then."

Dr. Jack Badofsky: The fear of being verbally abused by blacks is known as 'Mofobia'.

Señor: Donde esta el champú?

Princess: I'm Princess Leia.
Frankie: Wow, a real princess from outer space.
Buzz: Princess... Lay - ah!
[bursts out laughing]
Annette: You see, this is the 50's, and nice girls don't go all the way.
Frankie: So we're so horny, we'll laugh at anything that even sounds dirty.

Tracy: Uncle Roy, how come... how come you, you never got married and had babies?
Uncle: I don't know, Tracy. Sometimes... sometimes I think the woman I'm gonna marry hasn't been born yet.

Sid: But once you get the feel of now, you can feel the was and you go into the gonnabe, then you know you're in now. Otherwise, you don't know you're in now, if you don't go through the was and the gonnabe.

The: Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out.
[indicating Ant-Man]
The: Ooooh!
The: He's got the strength of a human!

Sgt. Pepper Anderson: Now, which one are you, Cagney or Lacey?
Mary: Mary Beth Lacey. And it's an honor to meet you, one of the finest undercover detectives on the L.A.P.D. And, eh, judging from what you're wearing I assume you've just returned from a successful prostitution bust?
Sgt. Pepper Anderson: No, I just visited my father in the hospital.

Mr. First Nighter: She is D.O. Doggone-licious!

Mike: Wait a minute... hold, hold just a second here, wait... Jews don't play football!
Ram: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn't I?
[laughs]

Vlad the Impaler: Look, I'll have those sheep rounded up immediately and have them, eh, impaled.

[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
Norm: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.

Steven: I like to tease my plants when I water them, I water them with ice cubes.

Hick: [referring to Cooter] 'Sides, he's your son.
Hick: Well, shoot! You married 'im! 'Sides, he's your brother!
Hick: I thought he was your brother?

SNL: Mary, any reasonably healthy man could pick you up, easily.
Mary: Oh, not without buying me a couple o' drinks first.

[the scene that got Charles Rocket fired from the show]
Charlene: Charlie, how are you feeling after you've been shot?
Charles: Oh, man, it's the first time I've been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it.

Church: Well, we're God's little cheerleader, suddenly, aren't we, Morty?
Morton Downey Jr.: You bet your bible bangin' buns, baby!

Joan: [after her daughter die from too much bloodletting] You charlatan! You killed my children, just like you killed the rest of my family! Why don't you admit it! You don't know what you're doing!
Theodoric: [turning toward the camera] Wait a minute. Perhaps she's right. Perhaps I've been wrong to blindly follow the medical traditions and superstitions of the past centuries. Maybe we barbers should test those assumptions analytically, through experimentation and a... "scientific method". Perhaps this scientific method could be extended to other fields of learning: the natural sciences, art, architecture, uh, navigation! Perhaps I could lead the way to a new age, an age of rebirth, a Renaissance!
Theodoric: [after pausing for a moment] Naaaaahhh!

Pat: You know, for some reason I thought you might be very small.
Little: [laughs] Oh, no, no, no. See, there's nothing small about me. As a matter of fact, I'm monumental. I happen to be the King and Queen of Rock 'n Roll.

Mechanic: Now you go on now, and if you see us getting smaller, it's because you're leaving.

Weekend: In New Jersey today, a giant Slinkie washed ashore, startling local residents. City Officials say they will remove the giant Slinkie by simply building a giant staircase.

Vince: Stacy, T.J. has been riding hoods since before you were a campfire girl. Don't worry!

Todd: If I ever said H-E-double hockey sticks to my mom, I'd get the c-r-a-you know what beaten out of me.

Black: Say, me hungry.. let's go eat some rocks!
Black: What a bad idea.

Casey: Sorry, I'm about as gay as Clark Gable and John Wayne combined.
Harvey: Oooooh, what a lovely combination!
Casey: Harvey, let me tell you something: I'm one hundred per cent man, I'm all male. When I walk down the street, I give a scent. And women smell it. And they get excited.

Theodoric: Well, I'll do everything humanly possible. But unfortunately, we barbers are not gods. You know, medicine is not an exact science, but we're learning all the time. Why... why just fifty years ago, we would have thought your daughter's illness was brought on by demonic possession or witchcraft.
[Joan laughs at this]
Theodoric: But nowadays we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors, perhaps caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach.

Weekend: Well a nationwide pole taken this week indicates that 51% of all Americans are in the majority.

Dieter: Before we begin, would you like to touch my monkey?
Karl: I would be honored.
Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschmeenkee.

Dennis: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis: Ba-na-na-na-na!

Robin: Now, some snakes can kill you, but not this one.
Peter: Aha, so this snake is a coward.

Mr. Subliminal: The Trumps are just two normal people with normal problems. Therapy. Donald's a confused man who should evoke our sympathy and understanding. Cheating bastard. And Ivana, a very sweet and unfortunately heartbroken woman. Had it coming to her. Who was misled into signing an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement. Sucker. And caught up in all of this, eh, in the middle, is a sweet, innocent country girl named Marla Maples. Homewrecker. Who never had a chance, never had a chance to defend herself before the press. Guilty. And who cares, who, who cares where she's hiding out? Atlantic City. Personally, you know, I just don't understand the fascination with her. Breasts.

Weekend: The only portrait painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive was discovered this week. Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals that Columbus' head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

TV: The Nude Talk Show is our number one show! Ahead of even The Insane Idiot and the Brent Musburger Show.

Beldar: [removing Frank Zappa's album 'Studio Tan' from it's sleeve] What fine compressed petroleum binding polymers!

The: At the feast of souls, failure is always the guest of honor.

Jimmy: Well, smoking is such a major part of emotion.
Ashley: Emotion is a major part of smoking.
Jimmy: And smoking is such a major part of acting.
Ashley: Smoking is acting. I mean the ultimate thing in acting is to draw the audience in and blow them out.

Don: [to audience member] I don't care what you are, you're fat.

Announcer: And now, 'Weekend Update' with Chevy Chase!
Chevy: [on the phone] No, you're not supposed to blow on it - that's just an expression.
[notices the camera]
Chevy: I have to go.
[hangs up the phone]
Chevy: Good evening! I'm Ron McKuen.

Marilyn: Who told you to sign that treaty anyway?
John F. Kennedy: Eh... eh, well, eh... eh, Angie, eh, Dickinson, Marilyn.
Marilyn: And you listened to her?
John F. Kennedy: Well, I'm sorry, Marilyn, I'm just the kind of man who, eh, needs, eh, lots and lots of...
[coughs]
John F. Kennedy: ... advisors.
Marilyn: Huh. And my research is not enough? Oh boy.
[sighs]
Marilyn: Did Arthur Miller need more people when I rewrote "Death of a Salesman"? Or Joe DiMaggio, when I corrected his batting stance?
[performs said batting stance]
John F. Kennedy: Oh boy, Marilyn, eh... heh, what a stance that was, huh?

Sonya: So, how are the things at the tulips store today?
Hans: Dull. Holland is a dull country, Sonya, face it. Look at these headlines: "Windmill Fixed. " Here: "Man bites Cheese." "A Guy gets a splinter from a pair of wooden shoes", who cares?

Doug: My, eh, my imaginary friend's name is eh... Mike. Eh, yeah, Mike, uhm, Mike Podium. Yeah, his name is Mike Podium and he comes from eh, Audiitoriumville. He likes all kinds of foods, but his favorite thing to eat, is uhm, emergency exits. And his... his two best friends are... a, a basketball hoop and a, eh, a row of fold-up chairs!
Bill: [audience starts to applaud] That's my boy!

Christine: Oh, this is asinine. Get the producer down here. Dick!
Al: What? Hey!
Christine: Dick!
Al: What are you doing?
Christine: Dick!
Al: Shut up, you can't say that!
Christine: Dick! Get me Dick!

Walter: Now listen here, I tie shoes. Like my father did and his father before him. Like my son would have if I didn't have you.

Richard: What are you looking at?
John: Oh, eh, nothing, I just couldn't help noticing that your Shakespeare volumes are titled Macbeth, Romeo and Juliet, Record, Stop, Fast Forward, Rewind and the Merchand of Venice, sir.

Carol: Mom, Sushi Raw is who I am.
Nadine: Oh, you look like a mermaid on drugs.

Elizabeth: Number five: women, leave little notes around the house.
Pat: You know, I do that, and I live alone! You know, I tell you it works. I leave little notes to myself all around the house: 'You look terrific', 'Have a nice day', 'Check your thighs'. I'm telling you, it works like a charm.

Ron: Look, look, Raheem, I'm, I'm not Opie Taylor and I'm not Richie Cunningham. I'm Ron Howard, I'm a grown man. You know I'm directing now? Did you see the movie I have out, "Night Shift"?
Raheem: Was there any black people in it?
Ron: No.
Raheem: I didn't see it, then. What was it about?
Ron: Oh, well, it was, uh, the story about these two pimps.
Raheem: It's the story about two pimps and wasn't no brothers in it? I don't know whether to say "Thank you" or punch you in your mouth, man.

Nick: [singing] Ah, Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! Gimme those Star Wars, don't let them end! Ah, Star Wars! If they should bar wars, please let these Star Wars stay! And, hey! How about that nutty Star Wars bar? Can you forget all those creatures in there? And, hey! Darth Vader in that black and evil mask, did he scare you as much as he scared me?
[turns around to see pianoist Paul wearing a black mask and screams]

Beldar: I had a smiliar experience, Connie. When I was your age, an elderly Remulakoid touched my cone... Then, to make matters worse, he showed me his flopzoid. I informed no one. The vision of that flapzoid haunts me to this day...
Connie: I love you daddy.
[they embrace]

Weekend: On Tuesday, an earthquake shook the Central Asian Republic of Tadzhikistan. While there were no casualties, the quake was strong enough to change the name of the place to Stanzhikitad.

Craig: God, sis, looks like somebody ran over a dog on your face.

Weekend: In a bizarre mix-up this week, George Bush was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Little Richards was sworn in as the 41st President of the United States. In an interesting side-note, Little Richard will act as his own First Lady.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: Let us first talk about the many forms of syphilis.
[reveals a card reading syphilis]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: If you're not sure you've got it, it's 'if-philis'.
[reveals a card reading if-philis]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: If you caught it from a drunk, it's 'stiff-philis'.
[reveals a card reading stiff-philis]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: I-if you got it from rubbing noses with an eskimo, that's 'sniff-philis'.
[reveals a card reading sniff-philis]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: And if you sleep with a dirty mummy, that's 'hieroglyph-ilis'.
[reveals a card reading hieroglyph-ilis]

Kevin: Last year I invested in a home computer to figure out my taxes. They just looked like, you know, it was so easy to use, and fun, but... I'll tell ya, what I discovered: those things are complicated. I couldn't figure out how to use it. I'll be honest with ya, I was... I was having more fun playing in the the box that it came in than the computer, you know. And that took me an hour to figure out. Getting in was easy, getting out was hard. You had to rock it a little bit, you know, and then just roll out.

Patti: I mean, you see, the problem for kids like me is that we get our driver's license when we're 16, right? But we can't get birth control until we're 18. That means for two years, the only thing I can use the car for is driving.

[first lines]
Announcer: 'The Battle of the World Superpowers' will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

Vincent: But I have another, more personal, reason for urging you to support public television. You see, without these fine programmers who occasionally see fit to employ this humble mummer, I'd be spending many a morning at the Hanna-Barbera office playing the voice of the evil Doctor von Blowfish in the Snorks series.

[talking about the phrase "jumbo shrimp"]
George: It's like "military intelligence." The two words don't go together.

Howard: When are we gonna start seeing the Belushi jokes on the show? We hear 'em everywhere else, you know? "What's blue and sings alone? Dan Aykroyd." "Do you think Belushi would still be alive if he had said 'No coke, Pepsi?'" What better place to hear these jokes than on this show? But nooooo! Nooooo!

Penny: Hello, I'm Penny LeBlanc and if you have a problem or a question or you just want someone to talk to, pick up the phone, because we're taking calls right now, on "Point Blank"!

George: Alright! Alright, alright! Cut the crap! Cut the crap! We got twenty million people out there watching, and I'm gonna redline this sucker! Let's go!

Hector: Don't forget about the Macho Man. March 14th, I am going to beat Tony Tucker!
Ex: Thank you, Hector...
Hector: Don't you forget about the Macho Man!

Don: Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you've noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It's true. And you know why, don't you? It's because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there's the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh?

Doug: Oh, I hope Gilda's on the show tonight.
Wendy: I love when she does Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Susan: [talking about her husband, TV producer Dick Ebersol] If we have sex at night, he calls it a Special. If we have sex twice at night, he calls it a Mini-Series. And if we have sex three times, he calls it Fantasy Island.

Custodian: And right over there is where Dan Aykroyd for the first time called Jane a, eh, an ignorant slut. Yeah, he used that line later in the show.

Weekend: I read the news today, oh boy. And guess what? That's it and I am outta here.

Joanna: And what was I doing while I conceived that child? I was watching Johnny Carson.
[laughs]
Joanna: And he's not funny upside down, either.

Johnny: Well why does my penis hurt so much when I urinate?

Richard: Sting! Der Stingelhoffer. Making copies. The McStingster. Stingatolah. Sting. Stingelingedingdingding dong dong... Sting

Deborah: Oh, Mr. Shalit, I am, I am such a fan of your Critics Corner. Would you, would you, do one of your reviews for me? It would be such an honor.
Gene: Hah! Any requests?
Deborah: Yes, would you do "Crimes and Misdemeanors"?
Gene: It would be a crime to miss "Crimes and Misdemeanors", I loved it!
Deborah: Oh! Please, please, please, do "The Fabulous Baker Boys"?
Gene: Oh. Boy, are they fabulous! And I'm not bakin', I loved it!
Deborah: "When Harry met Sally", please?
Gene: It should be renamed: "When Billy meets Oscar"!
Deborah: [gasps] "Black Rain"!
Gene: It'll be raining Oscars!
Deborah: "Look who's Talking"?
Gene: Look who's talkin' Oscar!
Deborah: "Sea of Love".
Gene: Go see: "Sea of Love". You'll see it, and love it, see? I loved it, so see. Well, that's the long version, they made me cut it.
Deborah: Oh, they should give you more time.
Gene: Really?
Deborah: Oh, much more!
Gene: Beauty and brains, I love it!

Velvet: Hello! As you may already know, I'm Velvet Jones! You will never see me again on this show, because, tonight, I died from overexposure!

General: [hangs up Snoopy phone] I hate that Wonderful guy!

Bootblack: [to Lady Smythe and Oliva] Lets just have three way sex.
Evelyn: Well this won't do! My delicious catfight has turned to simple fornication. Where's the danger? Oh, forget them, just forget them! Join me next week for the especially ribbald tale of the False Eunuch in the Harem of a best Arabian Sheik. I hope he keeps his hands to himself. I can't wait. Untill then, I'm Evelyn Quince. Goodbye everybody, goodbye!

Church: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.

Steve: And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids, definately. Second would be for the $30 million, the third would be for all the power and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought about slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come, too, and... she's behind me 100% on this, I guarantee you.

Nat: Now, before I bring out my first guest, I just want to say that February is Black History Month. Isn't that nice? The Man gives us February because it's the shortest month of the year! Now, I'm not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month. It's also the coldest month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade.

Leo: I guess you heard, I did it. I'm ready to do my time. Get me a beer!

Chevy: Ok, you're qualified for this job, how about a starting salary, $5000?
Richard: Yo mama!
Chevy: Um, $7500 a year...
Richard: Yo GRAND-mama!
Chevy: Fifteen thousand dollars a year, Mr. Wilson, you'll be the highest paid janitor in America, just don't, don't hurt me!
Richard: Ok. You want me to start now?
Chevy: Oh, no no no, it's alright, I'll clean all this up. Take a couple weeks off, you look tired!

Hans: Here me now and listen to me later but believe me soon or yesterday.

Old: You know, one Halloween my boy Jim was a rabbit. He didn't want to be - he wanted to be a robot, but I didn't hear him too good. Jim's speech wasn't always real clear - I used to say Jim and his tongue weren't on speaking terms. Anyway, he loved dressing up for Halloween. He always dressed up as something tough. One year he was Spider-Man, the next year he was G.I. Joe, and the year after that he was a rabbit - but, like I said, it wasn't his fault. He said robot, I heard rabbit.

Man: So, where was you all when the Colonel died?
Woman: Oh, well, I was buying chicken, as a matter of fact.
[tearful]
Woman: What were you doing?
Man: Oh, I was eating chicken.
[nods and chews his chicken]
Man: What were you doin', Dave?
Dave: Eh, I was sleepin' with a chicken. I can't get enough of this stuff.

Andy: Did you ever notice there aren't many homosexuals named "Buster"?

Lord: The insolence and bold affrontary! She was mocking me, was she not?
Servant: Oh, yes, your Lordship. I was crimson with rage and egregious impertinence of her bold imputance!

Peter: You know, Andy, Andy, we have not forgotten about the clinic, something to help you with the kids who's hair is falling out...
[suddenly very enthousiastic]
Peter: ... an electric broom by Regina! If it isn't a Regina, it isn't a Regina!

Dale: That's not a question, that's just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
Larry: I'm not ashamed, I'd do it again.

Weekend: Beirut lost it's city charter this week and has been officially declared a huge, open air Nintendo game.

Caller: Anyway, last night I came home from work early. And the first thing I know, some tootsie comes strutting out of our bedroom, with a bottle of tequila, wearing panties.
[sobs]
Edwin: Now let me get this straight, you're upset because this woman had put underclothes on a bottle of tequila?

Uber: I am... Uberman! I have superhuman powers, and I fight for untruth, injustice, and the Nazi way! And I have X-ray vision!
Lois: X-ray vision? Can you see through my clothes?
[covers herself]
Uber: Ja. And through his, too.
[points at Jimmy Olstein]
Uber: He's a Jew!

Jamie: Are you really this outrageous?
Julia: Oh yeah...
[chuckles]
Julia: ... and talented.

Dr. Ruth: Now, the colors of Chirstmas are green and red. Green normally means 'go' and red normally means 'stop'. But at Christmas time, the green and the red are together and they say 'let's go and don't stop'.

Weekend: Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Gustav Pinochet is blaming his defeat in Wednesday's nationwide referendum, on his running mate Daniel Dequayer. Chilean voters worried that Dequayer would not be brutal enough in the event he had to assume power. Dequayer, who is called El Pendexito, or, literally, "Little Pubic Hair", says... says he's at least as brutal as Franco was when he took power. A spokesman for the opposition said, "Hey, I know Franco; I was tortured by Franco; he's no Franco."

Eagleboob: The next man who tries that will be vaporized. I'm serious, they don't call me Eagleboob for nothing!

Chad: Successful? I mean Ghostbusters was the most successful movie of all times. I think that movie has everything!
Consuela: Oh yeah, it even made Chi Chi cry.
Chi: A card trick will make me cry...

Master: Why, when I was five, I had already played my first Hamlet, my second Othello and mastered the cello to boot!

Jerry: Let me say this: you know, I'm not one of those people who go around clubbing baby seals...
Pat: Oh, I love clubbing, I can rumba 'till the cows come home.

Mr. Icheckuponeverybodylikeimtheirmother: Say, you wouldn't be related to, eh, Bob Ibargerightinanytimeifeellikeit, would ya?
Sam: No, no, very common name, though.

John: [during goodnights] I never thought I'd get to work with Jon Lovitz... and I hope I never will again. Eh, the man is a pig... and a menace.

Chris: I hate taxes, I hate cheques. I hate the fact that they put two amounts of money on your cheque, it's like 'this is the money you worked all week for, and this is what you gonna get.' I mean, don't show me this money I'm not getting, don't tease me. Don't take off your bra and say 'what you lookin' at?'

A. Whitney Brown: And that, my friends, is a small part of the mighty mural of life, that makes up when taken as a whole, the vast panorama of history that is, when viewed from a distance, standing way back, squinting your eyes, the rich tapestry of human experience that forms, from far, far away, the vague outline that has come to be known... as el Photo Grande. The Big Picture.

James: How were we repaid?
Anne: In unmarked fifties and hundreds.
James: No... no, no, no, by losing our job!

Himself: [to a man in the audience] That your girlfriend? She's beautiful. You have any nude photos of her? No? Would you like some?

TV: The Nude Talk Show is dead last in the ratings. Look, it's even lower than Shrimp Circus and the Goofy Brothers!

Rob: He just flew in from London. He's a super rock star, he needs no introduction! Ladies and gentlemen, here he is!
Joe: [singing] What would you do if I sang out of tune Would you stand up and walk out on me? Well, lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song I will try not to sing out of key, yeah.
Joe: Oh, baby I get by with a little help from my friends Well, most of all I wanna get high!
Toni: By with a little help from my friends
Joe: You know I wanna get my friends
Toni: By with a little help from my friends
Joe: Oh oh oh, whoa yeah! What do I do when my love is away?
Toni: Does it worry you to be alone?
Joe: No, no How do I feel at the end of the day?
Toni: Are you sad 'cause you're on your own?
Joe: Oh whoa oh, baby, I...
Toni: Get by with a little help from my friends
Joe: Oh, dont you know I wanna get high
Toni: By with a little help from my friends
Joe: Whoa whoa whoa, I get by...
Toni: By with a little help from my friends
Joe: [Cocker chugs a can of beer back and lets it drip all over himself]
Toni: Do you need anybody - whoo!
Joe: [softly] I just need someone to love
Toni: Could it be anybody?
Joe: All I need is someone, whoa oh oh oh, yeah! whoa oh oh oh, yeah! Baby, I...
Toni: Get by with a little help from my friends
Joe: [Cocker stands up on one foot, performs a 720-degree spin and flips himself to the ground]
Toni: Get by with a little help from my friends
Joe: [Cocker cradles himself on the ground, rocks back and forth, then falls off the apron onto the audience's feet. He climbs back up, lies on his back, spins himself once, then chugs the beer again and spits it out with geyser-like proportions]

Desi: [as a Cuban acupuncturist] Send in the next vasectomy patient!

[Elvis Costello and the Attractions start to perform "Less Than Zero"]
Elvis: [to band] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
[the band stops playing]
Elvis: [to audience] I'm terribly sorry. There's no reason to play this song here. Ready? One, two, three, four!
[Elvis and the Attraction perform "Radio, Radio"]

The: And you're just one question away from a long walk off a short cloud.

Weekend: Today is the 482th birthday of Nostradamus, the French astrologer and prognosticator, who actually predicted that I would have no payoff for this joke.

Gags: Remember this: there is a thin line between comedy and humor.

Sherry: Greg, she just wants to drop off some baked goods, that's all she wants to do.
Greg: I wish she'd drop off the World Trade Center!
Sherry: Greg, she's my mother!

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Kevin: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

A. Whitney Brown: Now there were eleven inaugural balls. Now, some people would say that's a little excessive. But, you know, it takes a lot of balls to throw a 30 million dollar celebration before you've even done anything.

Moderator: Mr. Doilywipple is one of the most stimulating imaginary friends I've met tonight. I just hope he doesn't put magic powder in my icecream.

Weekend: Thank you for sharing your opinions and good luck.
Lyndon: I'll get you for that.

Elizabeth: [closeup on face] I still remember the day I finished filming "National Velvet". We al wanted to hold a party, but no one knew what to do with the horse. I did.
Elizabeth: [grins mischievously and puts a toothpick in her mouth; camera pans back to show an extremely large "Elizabeth Taylor" wearing blue jeans and a blouse, stretched out on a sofa]
Elizabeth: I guess... I guess that's when I decided I wanted to become the biggest star in the world. You know, no matter how many films you make, you always remember your first one. I remember my first husband... my first diamond... my first chin... I haven't seen any of them in years. I'll also never forget my first really big meal. Turkey. Not the whole country, silly!
Elizabeth: [giggles and lifts a leg; a ripping sound is heard. "Elizabeth Taylor" reacts with dismay at the tearing sound] And now, now I've got another first. We're going to remake "National Velvet". But this time, they're going to call it "Crushed Velvet".
[giggles again, then "Elizabeth Taylor" accidentally rolls over and her huge posterior shows the label "Calvin Klein"]
Announcer: Calvin Klein Jeans, now available in Industrial Strength!

Opie: Now Gomer, you get yourself back in that closet, or you get outta town!

O.J. Simpson: [during his monologue, wearing a Conehead] I don't know if I'm gonna be man enough to meet this challenge. I just... I just hope that if I don't meet it tonight and have to go back to being just a regular superstar/athlete/moviestar, that you people may remember me for what I was and not for what I may become here tonight.

Julia: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
[She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
Julia: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
[She suddenly drops the knife]
Julia: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
[Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
Julia: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
[She holds her apron over her hand]
Julia: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
[Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
Julia: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
[Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
Julia: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
[picks up the chicken liver]
Julia: Remember not to throw away the liver!
[Blood gushes over the chicken liver]
Julia: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
[She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand]
Julia: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
[the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy]
Julia: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
[She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up]
Julia: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
[She looks at her phone]
Julia: This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
[She tries to dial the number, but can't]
Julia: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
[She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy]
Julia: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
[She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience]
Julia: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
[She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time]
Julia: Save the liver!
[She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]

Beldar: You can't call my young one a common fluffrag!

John F. Kennedy: Have you ever slept with a white girl?
Martin: Does your sister count?

Gerry: [holds up a decorated plate disguised as a satellite dish] This is a new dish that anyone can afford. It's a new portable model, it's unbelievable. It does everything the big ones do, plus it comes in dozens of paterns, is completely unbreakable and it's dishwasher safe.

Woman on date: You know, when you suggested dinner, I had no idea you meant the White Parrot. Isn't this place a little expensive?
Man: Well, I make a good salary.
Woman on date: No, I... I know how much you make, I'm your boss, remember?

Weekend: Well, during the Senate confirmation hearings, Alexander "General" Haig -General Alexander Haig said that the MX missile is the key to our country's defense. Here, we see Mr. Haig swallowing that key. Later, when asked about the neutron bomb, he replied: "You know, I don't believe in using a weapon designed to destroy only human life. After all, part of the fun is watching the buildings blow up!"

Weekend: Well, it's the end of the season, I'd like to end up with a joke. Knock knock?
Audience: Who's there?
Weekend: Not me folks, I am outta here. Good night, ladies and gentlemen.

Paul: [singing in a Turkey Outfit] I met my old lover on the street last night. She seemed so glad to see me, I just smiled. And we talked about the old times and we drank ourselves some beers. Still Crazy After all these years. Oh! Still Crazy After All These Years.

Liz: Mr President, you've said that the Humprey Hawkins bill will cost a possible 60 billion dollars but isn't it true that the jobs provided by the bill will provide up to one hundred-fifty billion dollars in increased productions. Using Walter Hiller's figure that for every one per cent unemployed there is a resulting thirty-seven billion dollar loss in GNP. Now at the present rate of taxation on GNP of thirty nine per cent doesn't this come to about the same sixty billion dollars in increased revenue?
President: It was my understanding that there would be no math...

Weekend: Bush began cutting back on his campaign pledges this week, he's already down to 800 points of light.

Crazy: I want some candy! Candy, candy! Don't you think I deserve something for having no arms and being this crazy? Now, cough it up or I'll bite your ear off!

Beldar: Prymaat, we must resist these humans!
Prymaat: Yes, I agree. We must remember humans are inferior beings, they must not be permitted to interfere with our mission.
Beldar: Correct! Let us solidify our meetings! Besides, no one gives cone like you!
Prymaat: [they touch cones] Beldar, I haven't heard you talk that way since the Moons of Mipzor. Let's hone our cones right here on the floor.

Elliot Waxman : I want you to keep that book to remember me by.
Shannon: But... where are you going?
Elliot Waxman : The only place I can go... the Netherlands.

Jeffrey: It's almost midnight, is this a bad time?
Douglas: Well, my office hours don't start for another 20 minutes, but... sit down.

Nadia: Constantine is devoted to me. He respects and loves my mind, you see? Heh?
Church: I'm sure he also respects your ability to twist your body into a hot, sweaty little pretzel, ready to be smeared with man-mustard.

Tommy: Bankrobber, huh? I was a bankrobber when I was a kid, yeah, I was, eh, twelve years old at the time. Yeah, I used to rob five banks a day, six days a week. Then on the day off, I'd, eh, I was a pickpocket. Yeah, that's the ticket...

Uncle: I am, eh, old... tired a bit, but... even so, my health is not so good. So you must help me to swing?
Yortuk: This guy is too much for all of us!

Dan: Uh... authorities have, uh, issued a marijuana alert, because in fact, much of it has been sprayed, under orders, uh, from the U.S. State Department, with deadly herbacide Paraquet. Uh... an easy test is now available to find out whether or not marijuana does contain Paraquet. And as a public service, we sent correspondent Garrett Morris... uh... uptown to... uh... see if... uh... we could get some, uh... some dope, so we, we can show you how to test it. Uh... do you have the stuff?
Garrett: Uh... yeah...
Dan: Okay...
[slips Garrett the money as the marijuana is slipped to him]
Dan: Great man, here's some bread... Now, please, in no way does this mean that we at Weekend Update advocate the smoking of marijuana. It's just that a survey shows that 97 per cent of our viewers smoke it daily. So, it's for, uh... that minority that, uh... we're doing this test.
[examines the bag of marijuana uncomfortably, turns to Garrett]
Dan: This, uh... this looks light... Uh, we're gonna show you that test in a minute. It's really light, man, what's the story?
Garrett: No, no, man, it's cool.
Dan: It's light, it's light, give me the rest of the lid, man.
Garrett: Look, look, look, look, it's clean, man... no seeds, no stems, that's all.
Dan: It's light, it's under, man. It's under, it's under...
Garrett: Look man, I can't go back up there, man, okay? Those guys scare me.
Dan: I'm sorry, Garrett, this is the third you've short-changed us. Everybody here is gonna get really mad...
Garrett: Please, man, don't make me go back up there. They're gonna beat me up again, man, I know it...
[inches away from the Update desk]
Dan: We'll show you that test later. You see, to perform it, you need a complete ounce. Not three-quarters or seven-eighths, but a complete ounce! Sorry to take up your time.
Dan: [later on] Uh... recent bulletin. This just in: Garrett Morris is dead. In what appears to have been a drug-related incident, eight youths fatally shot the late Update correspondent at a mid-town playground. Another Paraquet-related death, Jane.

Saturday: There's more news tonight, here's some of it: the latest independent research survey shows that President Reagan's popularity has for the first time dropped below zero. It now stands at minus 35. This means, that in addition to all living Americans, 35 per cent of the dead Americans also disapprove of Reagan's policies.

Mr. Joseph Franklin of the U.S. Council of Standards and Measures: The Metric Leisure Week will be composed of three days. Yes, only three days. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday will become one day known as Mwensday or in decabet: Mwen. Thursday, Friday and Saturday will become Saturthurs, or in decabet: Turth. And Sunday, our traditional day of rest, will remain Sunday. Three days: Mwen, Thurth and Sunday.

Weekend: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Saddam Hussein went on Iraqi radio earlier today and told Iraqi citizens to prepair for quote 'the mother of all surrenders'.

Dion: Blaire, you ignorant slut.

Uncle: Well look at this carpet, I just vacuumed it. Jeez, you 75 kids with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson, why couldn't you keep your hands outta your pants?

Contestant: My buzzer's not working.
Uri: What! What, what you mean your buzzer? What happened, what happened to your buzzer? What happened, you broke buzzer? Okay, now you pay for it.
Contestant: Pay for it?
Uri: Yes, yes! You broke you buy, it's the rule!
Contestant: What am I gonna do with a buzzer from a game show?
Uri: Well why did you push so hard? You push so hard! Why did you push so hard? You don't have to push so hard! You just tap; see, you just tap, see, all you, but you, you push, you break it, you break it!

Roseanne: Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this Christmas poem that says:
[reads aloud from a greeting card]
Roseanne: Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Well, the holiday season is finally here, Bringin' Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer. Children are laughin', there's lights on the trees. Everyone's happy except for me. Folks goin' to parties, folks having fun. I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun! Christmas is here and I should feel swell But I'm cryin' in my room and I feel like hell. What should I do?

Helen: I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Jim. Ever since my husband left me I've been a jumpy, paranoid old bitch.
Jim: I noticed.

Jimmy: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji?
[In Indian accent]
Jimmy: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.
Ashley: Thank you, Sanji.
Jimmy: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie?
[as Sanji]
Jimmy: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da.
[In black accent]
Jimmy: Yo, Sanji, hold up.
[In regular voice]
Jimmy: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us.
[as Tyrone]
Jimmy: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb.
[as himself]
Jimmy: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line.
[as Sanji]
Jimmy: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times.
[as Tyone]
Jimmy: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head?
[as Sanji]
Jimmy: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets?
[as another man]
Jimmy: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all.
[as Tyrone]
Jimmy: I will kill you!
[as Sanji]
Jimmy: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da.
[as himself]
Jimmy: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.

Mary: According to information provided by Voyager II's recent exploratory trip to Saturn, the mysterious ringed planet has an atmosphere of solid ammonia. This is lucky for Saturn, say scientists, because the surface of the planet is solid linoleum.

Pat: [Pat is peddling on an exercise bike] Please, let me stop! Get me off this devil machine!

Michael: See Elliott, I told you we never shoulda left E.T. with her.
Elliott: Oh, shut up, pianist-breath.

Roseanne: [about Studio 54] Well, Jane - just between you and me... it's crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys... girls dancing with girls... guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys... girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves... guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs.

Saturday: This just in: NBC entertainment chief Brandon Tartikoff and wife Lilly yesterday welcomed a baby girl. They like her so far and if ratings hold, they'll pick her up.

The: The Ben-Man. Not really retarded, just a little slow... Livin' life in the Slow Lane... The Slowmeister!

Various: [reading the newspaper] Hershey bars are radiation free, that's some good news.

Willie: I know I satisfied my young woman, she knows. She knows I satisfied her good.
Solomon: Yeah...
Willie: You know what she say to me after?
Solomon: Yeah, I know what your women say to you, man...
Willie: What she say?
Solomon: 'I want a meal, not a snack', man.

Frank: I have had the honor to work with great arrangers and conductors like Don Costa, Gordon Jenkins, Vinnie Valcone and others just too numerous to mention. And I have always had this theory: rock singers make me puke! Except for this man. Mick, you are hip.

Pat: You know, I like to think of my mind as a big, empty bucket, just waiting to be filled with pictures and words and what have you, surprise me! That's why Vogue is my favorite book. And you know, I have my own library, just volumes and volumes of Vogue. You know, I can just refer to them: what was I thinking last October? Well, I can look, and it's right here, right between September and November.

Jackie: I broke a bed once, masturbating.
Bob: Of course, I was watching.

Mary: Ok, I'm no critic, but that movie bites major hose.

Kid: Well, listen to him. One pizza and he's a real gunfighter.
Cowboy: Indian giver!

Captain: Dr. McCoy, this man needs medical attention.
Dr. McCoy: Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not eh... oh! Oh, sure.

Cindy: Okay... what if we call ourselves... the Super Winners!
Teacher: Now see, that's really dumb.
Cindy: That was my moms idea...
Male: Allright, allright, lets compromise: the Flaming Eagles!
Female: No!
Cindy: The Sculptors!
Female: What about the Covergirls?
Craig: Doors?
Male: The Flaming Mafia!
Cindy: Oh, what is that... the Titanics!
Craig: No, the Rambo's!
Female: I don't see what's wrong with the Capybaras, you guys!
Male: The Snipers!

Announcer: [voice over] Don't miss it this spring: Boy George Burns, the man and his music. Part one: the boy. Part two: the George. Part three: the Burns.

Announcer: On the outer reaches of our galaxy spins the planet Estrogena, where evolved an advanced race of women: Planet ofthe Enormous Hooters!
Queen: Bring the deformed one to me!
Courtier: Queen Zarma, your Exalted Fullness. We have brought the prisoner.
Courtier: Look! Her breasts are so small, they look like melons!
[both courtiers and the Queen laugh out loud]
Prisoner: Oh, please don't belittle me.
[more laughter]
Queen: Ah, you are a disgrace to our planet. I hereby banish you to the planet Earth, where your undersized breasts will go unnoticed, and you may live the rest of your life in anonymity. Take her to the spaceshipette, she disgusts me!
Prisoner: No, no! Please reconsider!
Announcer: Tune in next week for Planet of the... Enormous Hooters!

Berne: I'm offering you Crème de la Merman.
[starts belting like Ethel Merman again]

Bill: [during goodnights] Uh, Danny, John, Gilda, Laraine, Garrett, Jane,
[rolls his eyes trying to remember if he's forgotten anyone]
Bill: Gilda, Laraine, I'm sorry for what I've done.

Mr. Robinson: [pointing at the word of the day 'Bastard'] Can you use this word in a sentence? Cab drivers can!

Dr. Jack Badofsky: Now, 'Mobyphobia' is the fear of required reading.

Beau: [after fighting each other and being encouraged by their father] Jeff?
Jeff: What?
Beau: I hate dad.
Jeff: I hate him too, Beau. You know something else?
Beau: What?
Jeff: I hate Sea Hunt!
Beau: I've always hated Sea Hunt! I've always, I've always hated the way he forced us to watch the show.
Jeff: The way he pushed our heads under the water, to see who could hold their breath the longest.
Beau: Yeah... I've, I've always hated dad! But Jeff, I love you, brother.
[they hug and cry]

Victoria: My second secret is: A lot of men ask me, "How do you like it?" And I say, "Like what?" And they say, "You know. Your sex." And I say, "My sex, like being a woman? Or like, having sex?" And they say, "The second one." And I say, "I forgot. Which one was the second one?" And they say, "Victoria, don't do that stupid character." And I say, "I'm not doing a character." And they get mad and walk away.

Carrie: [dressed as Princess Leia] I don't usually do jokes, but... here goes. Uh, there's this Bantha who's placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion R2 unit. Well, the Bantha knows it'll take a little while for the Nava-computer to calculate the coordinates. So, then... the Bantha goes over to Jabba the Hutt's bar, and he gets an idea. He says to Jabba, "My deflector shields are malfunctioning, can you put me up for the night?" Then Jabba says, "Well, there's a Jedi Knight convention in town, but... I guess you could stay in my Nebulan stabilizer with my daughter!
Carrie: [pauses] I don't know... you know, I think this might be a little too inside, you know?
Ob: [disembodied voice] No, Carrie... trust your instincts.

Stevie: [singing to the tune of 'Ebony and Ivory'] I am dark, and you are light.
Frank: You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!

Mr. Short: Wait a minute, I'm not gonna eat this, it's already been in somebody's mouth. Oh, this is a great restaurant, serves allready been chewed food!

Rashashimi: [after watching a clip from Madonna's "Open Your Heart" music video] I will give you two million drachma for the dancing woman!
Sean: Just shut up!
Rashashimi: You like horses? I have horses..

Saturday: I'm Brad Hall, have a merry Christmas and a newsy New Year.

Public: The preceding public service announcement was brought to you by the Service for Public Service Announcements.

Customer: Do you have any Gothic Romances?
Shopkeeper: Well that's all we have.
[clears throat]
Shopkeeper: What exactly were you looking for?
Customer: Well, eh, I was, eh... actually looking for something with, eh... 'Rapture' in it.
Shopkeeper: Oh, I see. Well, eh, we've got "Golden Rapture", "Rapture Woods", "Moment of Rapture", "Hour of Rapture", "Season of Rapture" and "The Rapturous Age".
Customer: I've read all of those.
Shopkeeper: Oh. Have you? Well, let me see, we've got: "Kingdom of Rapture", "Castle of Rapture", "Tower of Rapture", "Bridge of Rapture", "Rapture in the Moat"... ah! And this is my favorite: "The Rapture of Rapture".
Customer: I've read that.

Store: Anything else I can get you?
Customer: Any stockings?
Store: Wait a minute, what, are you, nuts? This is a gun store, I mean what would I be doing with a pair of stockings?
Customer: [pretends to laugh if off] I don't need a pair of stockings, I need, eh, one stocking.
Store: [bends over the counter slyly] What for?
Store: My sister.
Customer: One stocking?
Customer: My half sister.

Ed: Reverend? Oh, give me a break. Jackson is a Reverend! Oh, isn't that fine? And how many times did I say 'whorehouse'? Like, oh, probably eight million times.

Big: You know, Gary, you look like an ugly woman.

Susan: Everybody has been so terrific to work with this week, it's been a great week. E-except for one minor incident... it really was not worth flashing back to...

Weekend: In a survey of one thousand Americans, 58% said they believe that President Bush's economic plan is a gimmick, 24% said they believe it's a gizmo and 18% believe it's just one of those doohickey's.

Dieter: I have met Helmut. He is a gorgeous bitch. But, he is as boring as being alive.

Ed: Now, before I begin... for those of you who have- don't get FOX television in your city, I'm not a contest winner. I'm, eh.. I'm not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off, and eh... I'm not Robert De Niro preparing for an upcoming role as a shlup. I'm actually a genuine celebrity. My name is Ed O'Neill, and I'm the star of the television show "Married... With Children".

Cesar: [convinced he is in fact Ricardo Montalban] I am Ricardo. You see, we are all of us swarthy, romantic, Hispanic has-beens. You see? It is all very terribly confusing. We don't know who we are.

Franklin: Well, I gave it my best Shlagunta!

Harvey: I just wanna be loved, is that so wrong?

Glemn: [William Hurt has given Glenn Close a less than flattering introduction] Thanks, Bill. Bill, can I introduce you when you host the show?
William: Oh Glennie, I would never host this show.

The: Now, do you see what we have done here? I've attached a pre-moistened towelette to the edge of the bait bag, so that when Wayne is trough baiting his hook, he can clean his hands, there we are, and then the towelette and the foil packet can go back into the bag, we seal it and we file it under 'T' for trash. There. Isn't that nice? I think so.

Billy: Can you dig it? I knew that you could.

[Opening lines of the first sketch]
Teacher: Repeat after me. I would like...
Student: "I would like..."
Teacher: ...to feed your fingertips...
Student: "... to feed your fingertips..."
Teacher: ...to the wolverines.
Student: "... to the wolverines."

Dennis: It took me twelve years to get here. You know? Now who'd think I'd have to, eh, be sober to host Saturday Night Live, man? I used to bring them their drugs! Nah, I'm just kidding, just kidding.

Tommy: They were internal injuries, yeah, yeah, that's what they were. In fact, eh... I, I, I got one scar, why it starts right here in my mouth and eh, goes down my throat, into my stomach, out my bellybutton and ends up on my mother.

Walter: We'll be right back with the regular crap.

Crazy: I'm Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don't have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Oh-whee, this spoon makes me crazy!

Howard: The applause, of course, is well taken. An extraordinary moment for all of you, and, maybe in it's own way, a felicitious and even rewarding moment for me.

[Garth and Wayne are meeting Aerosmith]
Garth: Oh, Wayne, I'm so excited, I... I think I'm gonna hurl!
Wayne: Hey! Garth, get it together man, don't hurl, cause if you hurl and I catch a whiff of it, man, I'm gonna spew. All right? And if I blow chuncks , chances are someone else is gonna honk, all right? And that's gonna set off a peristaltic chain reaction.

Ross: Now, right, Preident Bush gets $200,000 a year. Forget it! If I'm President, we get 0% growth, you don't pay me nothing. 1% growth? Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country and get 1% growth! I'm sorry. So you don't pay me dime one. Got my own plane, don't need Air Force One. State Dinners? I pay, it's nothing to me, sand off a beach! Now, don't worry about ol' Ross Perot, I got $3 billion back at home.

Announcer: [voice over] Join us next week on 'Frontier Midwife, when Frontier Midwife delivers her own baby.

Chevy: You're probably pretty ready for the job... we got one more, kinda psychological test, just a word association, I'll, uh, just throw out a few words, anything that comes to your mind, just throw back at me, ok, just an arbitrary kinda thing, so if I said "dog", you'd say...
Richard: Tree.
Chevy: Tree! Dog...
Richard: Tree.
[Chevy continues through several inoffensive words]
Chevy: Negro?
Richard: Whitey.
Chevy: Tar baby...
Richard: Whadja say?
Chevy: Tar baby...
Richard: Ofay!
Chevy: Colored?
Richard: Redneck!
Chevy: Jungle bunny!
Richard: Peckerwood!
Chevy: Burrhead!
Richard: Cracker!
Chevy: Spearchucker!
Richard: White trash!
Chevy: Jungle bunny!
Richard: Honky!
Chevy: Spade!
Richard: Honky Honky!
Chevy: NIGGER!
Richard: *DEAD* HONKY!

Baudelaire: Oh, sweet angel of death, kiss me on the cheek whilst your blade of deathly death doth deaden me...

Sean: Knock, knock.
Alex: Who's there?
Sean: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!

George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...

Cowboy: You know, when I get to Abilene, I'm gonna get me hot beer and a cold bath.
Cowboy: Not me. I'm getting me a clean shave and a dirty woman.

Khan: Sulu? Oh my god, what has happened to you? Look at you!
Sulu: We all get older, Khan.

Hans: You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work and we think you are you are one of the greatest non-Arnold actors working today.
Franz: Ja.
Patrick: Wow, wow, thank you. That's really nice to hear.
Franz: Ja, and then we understand your film was the highest grossing movie of the year.
Patrick: Yep.
Franz: Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.

Tim: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.

Weekend: The Final Exit, the book that instructs its owner on suicide techniques, remains on the bestseller list for seven weeks in a row. One tip: don't try to find this book at the library. People just don't return it.

Ed: That is the straight stuff, o Funkmaster.

Brenda the Waitress: Can I help you?
Diner: Do you have coffee?
Brenda the Waitress: You got a cup?
Diner: You think you can fill it?
Diner: Think you can handle it?
Diner: I can handle a menu.

Little: Never wear battleship gray. 2000 sailors will try to board you.

Weekend: In a related story, a recent study reveals a smokers chances of having a heart attack are highest in the morning. Ironically, a smoker's best chances of having breakfast are also in the morning.

Jerry: You know Mick Jagger?
Tommy: Oh yeah, we were in Vietnam together. Yeah... in fact, I saved his life.
Jerry: He was never in 'Nam.
Tommy: That's how I saved his life, I talked him outta going.

Tommy: So, what have you been up to?
Willie: Well, I got a new movie coming out.
Tommy: No kidding? What's it called?
Willie: It's called the Red Headed Stranger. I play the part of a preacher.
Tommy: Oh yeah, I heard about that on 'Church Chat'.
Willie: Oh, you watch that show?
Tommy: Religiously.

Church: Well, one time I peeked through a hedge and saw minister Bob mowing his lawn in his Bermuda shorts. And to fight my demonic urges I popped a Butter Rum Life Saver and sucked away like there was no tomorrow.

Bill: Karen is only 3 years younger than you? Are you sure? I thought she was about 29.
Charlotte: We were in school together, Karen is 37.
Bill: Well, she looks 29.
Charlotte: [sighs] Well, frankly, Bill, you're probably not very good at guessing women's ages.
Bill: Don Burke said Karen was 29, too.
Charlotte: Well, Don's an idiot!
Bill: Well, he, he guessed your age right.

Weekend: And the number one oil spill of all time: Jerry Lewis' hair, Labor Day, 1988, Caesars Palace: 165 million gallons.

Ralph: Dale, I gotta be honest with you, buddy, in the whole history of this show, no one has ever gotten so close to winning that dollar.
[Dale is in pain but still expresses his joy at getting this far]
Ralph: Okay, Dale. Are you ready? Hang on here, are you ready for the final challenge?
Dale: [Dale can hardly keep himself together] Yes, yes, please, please.
Ralph: Okay, here it is: I'm thinking of a color... what is it?
Dale: Wha... what? A color?
Ralph: That's right, I'm thinking of a color. What color is it?
Dale: Oh... I dunno... eh, yellow?
Ralph: [buzzer sounds] Oh, no! Oh, that was so close! Too ba...
Dale: What?
Ralph: I was thinking of kinda like a, like an off-yellow.
[Dale groans in defeat]
Ralph: That's too bad, I'm so sorry. Do we have a consolation prize for him, Don?
Announcer: [off screen] Noooooo!

Elyse: I can't believe my little Jennifer is going to die. I just wish we could be at the hospital..
Mallory: Mom, you know the doctor said we could do far more good for Jennifer if we'd just stay here in the kitchen.

Abdul: This is my daughter, Fatima.
Bob: Well, you're very pretty, Fatima.
Mudhad: [holds a large curved sword to Lewis' neck] My sister is not a prostitute.
Bob: Ah, what I meant was, eh... Fatima looks, eh, very chaste, eh... impenetrable.
Abdul: Ah, thank you.

Chin: I am the one they call Chin Hua.
Master: What? You're Chin Hua? I, I, I thought you were Chinese?
Chin: Make-Up.
Master: But how do you account for your height?
Chin: Acting!
Master: Genius!
Chin: Thank you!
[takes a bow and Master Thespian follows suit]

General: Hello, Chief!
Crazy: Hello, General!
General: Call me George.
Crazy: Call me Crazy.

Saturday: In a related story, actor-writer-producer-director-comedian-singer-dancer-fundraiser and general all-round pest, Jerry Lewis, this week married his long time companion SanDee Pitnick in Miami Beach, Florida. The high point of the ceremony came of course, as shown here, when Mr. Lewis kissed and ate the bride.

Mario: Now, I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling, or the subjective nature of the process, but that's not the real issue here! The real issue is vert simple: I have mob ties.

Danny: [in a deleted scene from "Ocean's Eleven"] I don't know, sitting here with you now... I got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!
Josh: What are you talking about, man?
Danny: Your skin... your skin is like... what I'm trying to say is: you get out of this tub and put on a dress, I take you out for the biggest steak you've ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber room or what?
Josh: No man. Some cats dig chicks, and some cats dig cats. And if it's all right with you, it's all right with the man upstairs.

Robert: One of the gigantic lobsters has demolished our last camera with a single swipe of its horrible claw! Now it's moving toward me! It's fifteen feet away. Ten! I can see the long, quivering antennae! The slimy legs! Its snout and claws, glistening with human bloo...

Gil: Mark Linn, you're amazing how do you do it?
Mark: The ability to read my partner like a book. His weaknesses and ofcourse, acting, the craft. The work is so important. And a vast medical knowledge: nerv endings, pressure points and the like, I could go on...
Gil: Please don't. I was asking out of politeness.

Weekend: And how many of you recognize this word, syzygy? Well, in addition to being the surname of many New York city cab drivers...

Bob: If we can kinda speed up the the rest of the sketches, uhm, maybe I can finish my monologue. We'll be right back.

Bull: Would you be wear my pin... and be my bitch?

Paulette: Hey, Petey! Olivia Newton-John in the john! Can you believe it? Olivia Neutron-Bomb going to the toilet?

Chevy: Boy, I can't believe it's been 17 years since we started this little show. Me & Dan. And, uh, John. Gilda, Garrett, Laraine. and that bitch, Jane.

George: Well, Lorne, what's the joke here? What's the point of this whole sketch?
Lorne: Well, it's a parody of the Ultra Slim-Fast commercials.
George: I know that, but why am I up here with these guys? They're ruthless dictators, I'm a baseball owner!

Victoria: Eh, I didn't write this, a writer wrote it. I just want people to think I'm smart...
Weekend: Oh, w-well we do, Victoria, we think you're smart...
Victoria: No you don't, don't patronize me, whatever that means.

Jimmy: These last four years have robbed me of any lustful thoughts.
Rosalynn: Don't you see, darlin', that's why we had to lose - it was either the election or the erection.

Kevin: Over the river and through the woods, that's the way my grandmother used to drive.

Weekend: Gamble, Gamble, Gamble!

Joan: Elizabeth Taylor. One nice thing about having Liz to dinner is when you buy a pizza, you don't have to cut it into slices.

David: [about his mother and Mother's Day] Anyway, I'm not gonna see her tomorrow. She wanted me to fly home this weekend but I told her I had to work. And she said: 'Can't you get someone else to stand there and wave goodnight for you?' Now that hurt. But then again, she didn't mean to.

Frank: Now, I talked, I talked to, eh, the master, Sammy Kahn. And, uh, Sammy is a uh, a uh, marvelous, marvelous songwriter, no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. uh Sammy thinks we should go with something like. uh... Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, uh, how about this: "Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don't we take a bite?"
Stevie: I'm afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.
Frank: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos thin, they don't buy records, huh, huh?

Reporter: I was covering the New England Patriots for the Boston Herald Tribune...
Football: So, she's in the locker room. I drop my towel and say, "Step up to the mike...
Reporter: And, uh... it was about three months later...
Football: We were married.

Julia: What's wrong?
Steve Martin.: Heh... it's Chris Farley. He's nothing but a damn coward.
[Chris is weeping]
Steve Martin.: He's not fit to wear that fake army costume he's got on. I will not have brave cast members going out there with nothing but a prop and some bad material while this coward sits here, safe.

Fern: You're not too bright, are you, Fern? I mean... Whatever your name is!

Annette: Get your meat hooks off of him, Your Highness, he's my guy!
Princess: Wait a minute! You got me all wrong! I'm no cheap tramp from tomorrow! I'm no space slut!

Weekend: The disaster in Armenia this week put off a potential meeting between Gorbachev and American entrepreneur Donald Trump. A much awaited meeting between a Bolshevik and a Bolshevik artist.

Ralph: Tonight, for 90 minutes, I'm Ralph Nader - Mr. Good Time!

William: [at a Star Trek convention] You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... get a life, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a colossal waste of time! I - I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?
[pointing to a man wearing Spock ears]
William: You, you must be almost 30. Have you ever kissed a girl?
[the man hangs his head in shame]
William: I didn't think so. There's a whole world out there. When I was your age, I didn't watch television, I lived. So move out of your parents' basements, and get your own apartments, and grow the hell up! I mean it's just a TV show, damn it. It's just a TV show!
Charlie: Are - are you saying then we should pay more attention to the movies?
William: No! That's not what I'm saying at all! Hey, you guys are the lamest bunch of - I've never seen - I can't believe these people - I mean, I really can't understand what's...
[Shatner walks off stage and argues with the emcee. They start to shove each other]
Second: Uh... that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We...
William: [the emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner who comes back on stage]
William: Of course that speech was a recreation of the Evil Captain Kirk from episode - um -
[emcee whispers]
William: 37. Uh... the name -
[emcee whispers again]
William: "The Enemy Within".
[the crowd applauds]
William: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So thank you and - and Live long and prosperous. So everybody, set your phasers on stun 'cause this convention's ahead warp factor 9. Y'know? Right! All right. Warp factor 9.

Georg: You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.

Reverend: [during the 1988 Democratic presidential debates] We have come a long way; from the field house to the big house, from the big house to the White House ,
[loses his train of thought]
Reverend: uh, to the outhouse, uh...

Weekend: I don't know, I just had to ask: why do pumpkins never take care of their teeth?

Andy: Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie?

Dan: I'm Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. During the past few weeks in Los Angeles, actor Lee Marvin and his former live-in companion Michelle Triola Marvin have been in court to settle her claim that he owes her half his income from the six years they lived together. That is the subject of tonight's Point Counterpoint. Jane will take the Pro-Michelle Triola Point, while I take the Anti-Michelle-Triola Counterpoint.
Jane: Dan, times change, and so does the nature of relationships. People are reluctant to get married these days, and looking at divorce statistics, who can blame them? But the lack of a sheet of paper does not mean the lack of a total committment. A woman in this modern-day relationship may well give up all her own personal pursuits; as Michelle Marvin claims she did; to give her full support to her man's career. And Michelle Marvin is just asking that the courts recognize that reality. Dan, there's an old saying: Behind every successful man, there's a woman. A loving, caring, giving, woman. But you wouldn't know anything about that, Dan, because there's no old saying about what's behind a miserable failure.
Dan: Jane, you ignorant slut. Bagged-out, dried up slunk meat like you and Michelle Triola know the rules: if you want a contract, sign on the dotted line. Oh, but let's all shed a tear for poor Michelle Triola. There was only testimony that she had had sexual intercourse over forty times with another man while living with actor Lee Marvin. But I suppose that sort of fashionable promiscuity means nothing to someone like you, Jane, who hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap Ham Radio. But Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Michelle Triola, like a screeching, squealing, rapacious swamp sow, is after actor Lee Marvin's last three million dollars. I guess what you and Michelle Triola are saying is, while you're on your backs, the meter's running. Well, please spare us galls, and tell us the rates at the top. Then we can choose which two-bit parts and bargain basement sluts to shack up with.

George: You're not using live ammunition, are you, Mr. Coppola?
Francis: Well of course I'm using live ammo it's a live show, isn't it?

George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Lucy: [during an Untouchables spoof, does Lucy whine] Ahhhhh!
Desi: [playing Frank Nitti] Did you dent my car?
Lucy: Ahhhhhh!
Desi: Did the Capone people get Little Nitti?
Lucy: Ahhhhhh!
Desi: Well what happened?
Lucy: They took out Fred and Ethel!
Desi: It's about time!

Ronald: NBC? That's Nancy's channel. She was on Diff'rent Strokes with that little black fellow. And that big slob, Tip O'Neill, he was on Cheers. Now, why don't they ask me to be on, eh, no shows?
Chuck: Well sir, when you adress the nation, you are on all the channels.
Ronald: Yeah, Chuck, but that's acting. I wanna go on as myself. Like when I hosted G- when I hosted G-E. Theater. I'm very believable as myself, Chuck.
Chuck: I believe you, Sir.
Ronald: See, I was right.

[Aerosmith are guests on "Wayne's World"]
Garth: Ok, next question is for Steven: ehm... ok, are those really your lips or are they lip implants like Barbara Hershey had in the movie "Beaches"?
Steven: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. They mine, man.
Garth: Bitchin'! Bitch'lips!

Garry: In fact, eh, just a few weeks ago I made love to a woman for an hour and fifteen minutes. And, eh well, thank you.
[audience applaudes]
Garry: Well, it was, eh, it was on the day you push the clocks ahead, but... that still counts.

Jane: You see, I just assumed it was responsible journalism you wanted, not sex. I gave you more credit than that. But I was wrong. What can I say besides
[raises voice]
Jane: Try these on for size, Connie Chung!
[rips open blouse to expose a black bra]
Jane: If it's raw news you want, it's raw news you get!

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Colin: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Art: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?
Tyrone: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.

Man: Did I... mention I have a penis?

Father: To be made a saint in-a the catholic church, you have to have-a four miracles. That's-a the rules, you know. It's-a always been that-a. Four miracles, and-a to prove it. Well, this-a Mother Seton-now they could only prove-a three miracles. But the Pope-he just waved the fourth one. He just waved it! And do you know why? It's-a because she was American. It's all-a politics. We got-a some Italian-a people, they got-a forty, fifty, sixty miracles to their name. They can't-a get in just cause they say there's already too many Italian saints, and this woman comes along with-a three lousy miracles. I understand that-a two of them was-a card tricks.

Captain: Hello, I'm Captain Kirk, I understand you're having trouble with your order?
Diner: Yes I am, I ordered a Klingon and they give me this fried clam sandwich.
Captain: Ma'am, a Klingon is a fried clam sandwich.
Diner: Well now I thought it was a lobster salad sandwich?
Captain: Eh, no. That's a Romulan man.
Diner: Well then you must've changed the names, because...
Diner: We didn't change the name, ma'am!

Donnie: I'm walkin', I'm talkin'...
Donnie: Macaulay Culkin!

Bob: [on phone] Dr. Trousend, what's wrong?... What?... What do you mean the wrong embryo?... Well, what have we got, a, a, a girl?... A koala bear?

Raheem: Hold it a moment. This ain't no real moustache, man.
[tears the moustache off of Robert Urich's face, then tugs on his hair]
Raheem: Hey! You ain't even baldheaded, you ain't Burt Reynolds!

Matthe Modine: Sit back, enjoy the show and see if you can pick me out in the sketches, hah!

Jake the Hired Hand: I'd kill any man for a price. Women half off and wussies for free.

Bill: You wanna swap wives?
Jerry: I'm not married, Bill.
Bill: Do you have anything you wanna swap?
Jerry: Well, not really.
Bill: Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.
Jerry: There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.
Bill: No, I won't bring it up if you don't.
Saunders: I'll bring it up.
Bill: Saunders!
Saunders: Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Steve: [after showing 'Dancing in the Dark' as a tribute to Gilda Radner] You know, when I look at that tape, I can't help but think how great she was, and how young I looked. Gilda, we miss you.

Dr. Joyce Brothers: It's no longer 'me', it's 'we'. It's togetherness, it's 'we-ness'. Believe me, Mike, today's man is not afraid to stand up and show his we-ness.

Arnold: [to Hans & Franz] And look at those legs, they look like little skinny sticks! And those buttocks. Soft, like marshmallow. You guys are lucky you don't have a campfire here in the background.

John: [as he holds a lit cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day, and I downed a lot of donuts, Little Chocolate Donuts, they taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

Andy: Did'ja ever notice how many different names there are for women's breasts? There's bosoms, balloons, bunkers, bonkers, hooters, noonies, knobs and jugs. And then there's zeppelins, Dairy Queens, space warmers, Grand Tetons and love pillows. Of course, my favorite has always been: Twin Cinemas.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: And, if you can only make love by pretending to be somebody else, that's "Pseudonym-potence".

Weekend: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight: for the second year in a row, PLO leader Yasser Arafat has been awarded first prize in the annual international Ringo Starr look alike contest. He turned down the prize, which was a weekend in Tel Aviv.

Weekend: TV Commentator Bill Moyers announced he's leaving CBS for PBS. Hey, anyway you cut it, it's still BS.

Vito: [pointing at a selection of portates on the wall] They got all the biggies up here, look at this: Don Diego de la Vega, Don Ameche, Don Wilson, Don Drysdale, Don Knotts and my favorite, Don Ho.
Tino: Hey, where's Don Pardo?
[Vito slaps him]
Tino: What'd I do? What'd I do?
Vito: Don't mention his name again. He's not with us any more.

Wayne: [Wayne and Garth are holding "Chick Court"] I object!
Garth: On what grounds?
Wayne: On the grounds I always wanted to do that.
Garth: Sustained!
Wayne: Excellent.
[they high five each other]
Garth: Excellent.

Mephistopheles: But it's more or less customary for me to cheat mortals in this way. By observing only the letter of the agreement. For example, I'll give someone eternal youth, and then have them sentenced to life imprisonment. That sort of thing. It's standard. I'm the Devil!

Steven: My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.

Weekend: And just a reminder: tonight's the night you don't do anything to your clock.

Gary: [reviewing "Splash"] But I had one really big problem with it: her hair. Did you notice how it always stayed on her chest? I mean, here she is, she's running around completely naked, she's in the wind, her hair's blowing all over the place, except for two strands, which conveniently cover her, eh, her... well, I can't say what they are on television. Well, I guess I can say it backwards: sboob.

Steve: Honey, I didn't know whether to start with a leg, a thigh or a breast.
Doreen: Who cares? Just gimmie meat!

Jackie: I completely made that up, that was an improvisation!
Sammy: I knew it, you lab rat.

Joan: I went out with such a guy, he was so dumb, he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked.

Pamela: Now, being a stranger in your country, how was I to know I was being hoodwinked by some sleazeball Yankee jerk?

Woodsman: My lady, may I be so bold as to speak freely?
Lady: Why, yes.
Woodsman: I mean, I could help you fix things around here all night. And, maybe, during the course of the evening, my pants might fall down. Or a mysterious draft might come through that window and eh, blow your skirt up over your head, giving us brief, but titilating glimpses of one another. But what are we waiting for, eh? I'm a very lusty woodsman, and you're a wanton lady. Hey, let's just do it, eh? Let's just have... hot, passionate sex.
Lady: Oh, I'd like nothing more!
Evelyn: [cut to host as the Lady falls into the Woodman's strong manly arms] Oh, I don't like this! This is becoming less randy and more sexually explicit at every moment! Our once baudy tale is turning into a tawdry tale of pornography! And I don't like it!

Linda: Now, why have you focussed on the Seventies?
Toni: The late Seventies.
Linda: Yes.
Toni: Yes, well, eh... because things from the Seventies are so easy to find.

Voice: And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Update" news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.
Dan: That's Dan Aykroyd.
Voice: What was that?
Dan: That's Dan, Don.
Voice: Oh, I'm sorry, Dan, it must have been a typographical error in my script. I beg your Pardo!

Catherine the Great: Oh well, I guess I am queen, and a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman... and a woman is a woman.
Snowball the Horse: And a horse is a horse.
Catherine the Great: Of course, of course.

Mr. Subliminal: If Mr. Hussein promisses to pull out, *fat chance*, we should give him a chance. You know, we gotta take him at his word as we would anyone else. *Milli Vanilli*

The: Yeah, well, uh... are you dating anybody right now? 'Cause, uh, if you're not, I'd like to take ya' home and beat ya' up, you know what I mean?
Sherry: Hey, all right!

Johnny: You know, a lot of people don't know but my real name was originally Johnny Peppermint. The first time I did a concert, this guy said: 'how do you want the check made out?' and I said 'oh, just make it out to cash.'

Andy A. Abbott: Will we be going alphabetically?

Weekend: Thank you, good evening, and what can I tell you? Last week, Saddam Hussein released all the hostages. President Bush said he still planned to use military force if need be against Iraq, unless they left Kuwait. This week Hussein said 'Okay, okay, I'll be out of Kuwait in a week.' Bush said: 'Too late, we're gonna attack you anyway, you have embarrassed me in front of my woman.' Upon being reached for a comment, Barbara Bush said: 'George still turns me on when he talks nasty like that.'

Weekend: What are the odds on losing the Berlin Wall and Irving Berling in the same year?

Ernestine: Oh, stuff it in your bra, mousey! From the sound of your phonecalls I'd say you've entertained more servicemen than Bob Hope.
[snorts]

Caller: [calling to the Ghostbusters hotline] Eh, yeah, is there, is there any truth to the rumor that they're planning Ghostbusters 2 with a new cast that includes Tim Matheson and Prince?
Chad: Well that's the stupidest thing I ever heard of!

Weekend: This week, our Supreme Court judges began calling themselves "Justice", instead of the more formal "Mr. Justice." Regarding the new informality, Justice Wizzer White said he thought the change was "kind of jazzy." And Justice "Potty" Stewart commented, "That may be slick for the Whizzer, but, for me, it's Nowheresville." And Warren "The Big Cheese" Burger, added, "Boop boop de boop!"

Christopher: Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet Loaf.

Hicks: Come on, Ripley, we've all seen your underwear!

Rick: My, this is a long sketch...

Sinead: Now we come to the most important award of the evening. The award for the person who best represents everything that I despise about the music industry. With all the hunger and suffering in the world, the winner of this award is gonna hava a hard time lookin' in the mirror... And the nominees are:
Paul: Phil Collins...
Sinead: Wilson Phillips.
Paul: The Nelsons...
Sinead: And Frank Sinatra.

Meg: Well, you know what ZTA stands for: zits, tits and armpits.

Self: Ladies and gentlemen, Nirvana

Mister: [singing] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine? Could you be mine? / I always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend / Maybe when there's nobody home, I'll break in. So, I married a woman who said she was rich / 'Spent all her money, walked out on the bitch / Would you be mine? Won't you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?

Yortuk: Hey Ted, I'm telling you something, now: all night we have cruised the s- the fox bars and yet, no chicks would agree to swing with us.
Georg: They were frightened by our bulges...
Ted the bartender: You sure it was the bulges and not those hats?

Weekend: New York mayor Ed Koch announced this week that city radio station WNYC would start broadcasting the names of men arrested with prostitutes in an effort to frighten potential patrons. The prostitutes themselves will have their names listed in the newspapers along with their phone numbers and prices.

John: Or how about fifty dollars for this still burning Chevy pick-up? We can't put it out!

Helen: Now listen, you're going out there a nobody, but you've got to come back a slut.

George: [laughs] I have no comment other than: 'Encore, more!'.

Mayor: Even the President's name bugs me. Ronald Reagan. That sounds like a President. Ed Koch sounds like a ball player from Cincinnati. His middle name is Wilson. Very Presidential. Mine is Irving. Very like an accountant. He even has better nicknames. They call him Ron, they call him Dutch. Me? They call Mr. Ed.

Mrs. Blanston: And, eh, today I found out that our house was mistakenly made out of exploding wood...

Don: Transportation for Game Breakers is provided by TransEastern Airlines. At Transeastern, we don't love to fly, but we keep the feeling hidden.

Quincy: Thank you very much, it feels really, really great to be here tonight, and it feels especially wonderful because, in a few hours, Nelson Mandella will be a free man.

Ted: I'm Ted Koppel and this... is my lunch. Turning our attention to the menu, Sam, you've eaten here before, you've attended many such luncheons. Perhaps you wouldn't mind sharing with us, your insights?
Sam: Well now, Ted, I can sit here and recommend specials until the cows come home, but ultimately, you're the one that's gonna have to eat what's on the plate.
Waitress: I'll come back...

Frank: That's a spooky honker you got there, Judd baby.

Roseanne: It's like my father used to say to me when I was a little tiny girl, before I went to sleep. He'd say, "Roseanne Roseannadanna... it's a jungle out there. Every dog has his day. You made your bed, so now you gotta sleep in it. Don't bite the hand that feeds you! When the going gets tough, the tough gets going! Don't cry over spilt milk! And it's 6 of 1, half-a-dozen of the other! Tomorrow's another day. Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna!"

Tipper: [during Campaign '92: The Race To Avoid Being The Guy Who Loses To Bush] My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: Let us move now to the many manifestations of gonorrhea.
[reveals a card reading gonorrhea]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: When you first find out you've got it, that's 'gonorrhealization'.
[reveals a card reading gonorrhealization]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: If, if you get rid of it and it comes back, that's 'gonorrheappearance'.
[reveals a card reading gonorrheappearance]
Dr. Jack Badofsky: And, if... if... if the New York Post finds out you've got it, everyone in the city's gonorrhead-all-about-it.
[reveals a card reading gonorrhead-all-about-it]

Seiko: Three seconds behind me, General.
General: Where are the others? Oh, damn, Seiko! You're always three seconds ahead of me, I forgot.

Weekend: Good evening, I'm Nealon Kevin, and I'm a recovering dyslexic.

Weekend: You know we live in troubled times when Iran is concidered safe harbor.

Elvis: Are you related to Elvis Priestley?
Jason: No.
Elvis: Thank you very much.

Bob: Well, paint me pink and hang me from the chandelier.

Telly: [during Player-With-Yourselves-Club commercial] And all the latest videotapes, queued up to the good parts, baby! 'Cause players don't have time to Fast Forward.

"The: Rated PG-13. Children under 13 and stupid people should be accompanied by an intelligent adult.

Cotton: Bluagh! I hate that. It smells like optimism.

Ladyfriend: Hey... who was that handsome guy you were talking to?
Jim: That's my best friend, Lank Thompson.
Ladyfriend: Hmmm. I love how he continues to smile, while he talks.
Jim: He isn't afraid to make eyecontact. He's also tactile, in a very tasteful way. Damn, he's handsome!

Tom: [during Adopt a Pet] And if you'll adopt Fluffy, you'll also get an extra-added bonus...
[to Sparky the dog]
Tom: Sit!
Terri: She's pregnant!

Gene: Well, in another movie, "Seems Like Old Times", I know that the best scene there was played by Chevy's hand. He was hiding under the bed when Goldie Hawn stepped on her hand with her high heeled shoes. Uh.. the hand played the scene, though, like Marlon Brando. it was really one of the great acting hand jobs of all time.

Weekend: In Los Angeles today, actor Ricardo Montalban was kidnapped by a gang of angry midgets. Montalban was released unharmed a short time later, when the midgets admitted they thought they'd kidnapped composer/singer Randy Newman, who bears an amazing resemblance to Montalban from the knees down.

Church: Well, apparently some of us do our thinking below the bible belt.

Weekend: And according to reports coming out of Berlin this week, since the wall has come down, millions of elderly East Germans have been complaining about a bit of a draft.

Tomaso: You know, some-a days, I could-a just kill the sea!
Mateo: Oh, Tomaso, you can-a no kill what-a last forever.

Steve: [after describing Salman Rushdie] If you see anyone who fits this description, kill him! Do not hesitate, you can make a difference. Repeat, do not, not kill him. If it comes to a choice between killing and not killing him, kill him! Then call this number after you killed him: 1-800-I-K-I-L-L-R-U-S-H-D-I-E.

Dennis: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?

Victoria: There has been so much terrorism in the news lately that I'm shocked when I go out on the streets and I'm not blown up.

George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.

[last lines]
Minister: I now pronounce you man and wife.

Auric: I'm settled down, married to a wonderful woman.
Jennifer: Oh, oh right, you married Pussy Galore, didn't you?
Auric: No... no, no, no, her sister, Peggy Galore.
Jennifer: And you still love only gold?
Auric: I love mainly gold...

Nancy: Oh, Frank, you were wonderful!
Frank: You're playing with an old pro, baby. I've made it with every First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt!
Nancy: Oh, no, Frank.. Frank, I don't want to hear it...
Frank: You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane john.
Nancy: Oh.. te... tell me I'm the best, Frank! Tell me I'm the best!
Frank: You got the best rack. But a guy could eat off Bess Truman's ass.

SNL: Generalisimo Francisco Franco of Spain, still dead after all these years.

Todd: Shame on you, Lisa, taking homework from two different guys at the same time and never letting either one know where it was really at.

Cyril: Pip, what I'm about to say may upset you terribly. But, the truth of the matter is: I don't think that we are real brothers.
Pip: Good heavens! You mean, one of us is...
Cyril: Yes.
Pip: ...a woman?
Cyril: No!

Mary: [reading from her 8th grade diary] Found terrif' new nail polish 'pasionately pink' great in store but throw-uppie at home.

Pete: There goes the opposite of a horrible man...

["Weekend Update" opening line]
Chevy: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Wayne: I was able to accept the fact that as a hockey player, I'm pretty good, but as an actor, I'm a hockey player.

The Phantom of the Update: And now, here to set sail on the boundless ocean of ignorance in a lifeboat of oversimplification is A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture.

Charlton: Well, I hope we've made our point and got a few laughs along the way. Did you see the way that big kid fell after he was shot? He's a riot! Makes me proud to be an actor.

Mr. Hemple: Well, he should know that driving is a privilege, and not a right. A car is really just a means of getting from A to B, not a sort of phallic symbol. It's power under control. In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon capable of horrendous damage. In many ways a car is a... pulverizing death monster, with a glass and steel persona. A vicious, unforgiving beast, whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage. A killing machine, worthy of its nickname: The Widowmaker.
Various: Bogus.

James: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.
Greta: Ah... put them in another room. I want to be... alone.
James: Yes, Miss Garbo.
Greta: Let me see them.
[takes the flowers]
Greta: Ohh, they are so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are... alone.

Hans: You know, as you can see, we come to you from just inside the Kuweiti desert.
Franz: Ja, that's right. We have been out of communications since our radio broke four weeks ago.
Hans: But as you can see, our muscles are still intact.
[both start doing poses]

Eddie: If you've been an avid watcher of Saturday Night Live over the years, You've probably at one time or another, you know, like, finished watching a show and said "Wow, the musical guest really sucked!" But eh, we made up for that tonight by getting someone that's not only a great performer, but a musical genius. Lets hear it for Mr. Lionel Richie!

Chick: Come on, Eddie, I can read you like a book. Sure, some of the pages are stuck together. But lets go through the table of contents.
Eddie: Lets not!
Chick: Chapter one: born in a lower East Side slum.
Eddie: Well, listen to J.P. Morgan!
Chick: Chapter two: heads up a gang in Hells Kitchen.
Eddie: A fellow's gotta eat.
Chick: Chapter three: goes from stealing apples to running booze for the big boys uptown.
Eddie: [produces a gun] Chapter four: detective found dead on bar room floor!

Girl: Too bad, she could have taught us so much in the ways of love...
Girl: Then again, we're a blank slate.
Girl: You said it, hombre. Any information would be most appreciated.

Weekend: You know, it was fifteen years ago today that Elvis... uh... well, I'm sure he did something. He was the King, it was a weekend.

Caveman: Oh hi, Weena, glad to see ya.
Weena: [chuckles as she looks him up and down] You make me wet.

Richard: : And this is your lovely daughter. I see where you get your good looks You're French, so I'm gonna give you a French kiss, how's that?
[Connie opens her mouth as wide as possible before they kiss]
Connie: Ooh baby, oh baby!
Richard: : Well, uh... they start early in France, what the heck!

Cecil: Aw... why, you're the best kids any fertility doctor could ever trick his patients into having.

Josh: Acid is like a woman: a good one will eat right through your pants.

Jim: What kinda hotel is this? I'm laying here, bleeding to death.
Mr. Krevitz: Bleeding? I thought you said you broke your leg.
Jim: Yeah, well, I did, and then your dog came out and found me. Who the hell sends out Doberman Pinscher to rescue skiers?

Kurt: I bet you never did it!
Artie: Sure, I did.
Alan: With who?
Artie: Laura Tange.
Kurt: Really?
Artie: Yeah! One day a whole swarm of us gang stang her behind the bowling alley.

Soldier: Anyone willing to stay and fight, step across this line. Anyone who doesn't stay... well, we won't think you're a coward or a deserter or a chicken or anything like that. On the other hand, we won't be building any monuments to you, either, because after all you did sorta chicken out like a coward or a deserter or something.

Chico: Baseball been berry berry good to me. Thank you berry much. Thank you, Hane? Thank you, Hane.
[he is drowned out by the audience applauding]
Weekend: Great job, Chico, I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportcaster.

Weekend: Actually, the President had a bad cold, and while sympathetic, congress did remind him that in his first week, Bush had already used up four of his five sick days.

Laraine: [O.J. is only wearing a towel around his neck as Laraine Newman interviews him a male locker room] O.J. I don't know much about football, but I know what like. Eh Jane, I swear I've never seen anything like this before. I don't really have any questions prepaired, O.J., but, eh, how long do you think you'll continue to play the game?
O.J. Simpson: Well Jane, I mean Laraine...
[Laraine glances skeptically at the camera]
O.J. Simpson: I'm not quite ready to quit now. I really plan on having a 10 to 12 year career.
Laraine: [Laraine is looking down at O.J.'s manhood] That's odd, I would have guessed more about 11 to 12.

Betty: Don't come home from France with the enemy in your pants!

Mr. Dantley: [Samurai Psychiatrist is threatening to perform hari-kiri] Okay, go ahead with it! For three years now, you've been threatening to do this, but this time I'm not gonna stop you! And besides, you can't fool me, that's not even a hari-kari knife!

Al: You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of "Saturday Night", decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then, then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them, them, we missed. So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken.

Baudelaire: Farewell, remember me...
Master: What, aren't you coming?
Baudelaire: My crown has passed into thy hands. I shall darken the stage no more. The grave awaits! I shall live out my days in the old Actor's Home, gumming the occasional pudding.
Master: But...
Baudelaire: No, go!
Master: But!
Baudelaire: No, go!
[they mouth the same exchange once more, silently]

Buck: Really an incredible thing to realize that... hundreds of thousands of Americans have travelled thousands of miles just to come here to New Orleans to visit Bourbon street and to throw up.

Joan: My mother hated me. My mother used to say to me: 'Take candy from strangers!' I was like, eh... 'Ask the guy over there in the raincoat, does he own a van?' I, I was just...

Chevy: Our top story tonight: Buck Henry cuts himself in the forehead in a sketch on the Saturday Night show... as a far gone and downed and drugged-out John Belushi hits him with a sword.

Gilda: Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily.

Wayne: With the recent developments in Eastern Europe, do you think Communism is on the decline or is this just a temporary setback?
Steven: Wow, man, that's a hard question. But I would have to respond with a qualified yes. Although it seems socialism is in repose, until you remove the Stalinist-era party apparatchiks there will be no real change in the Soviet Union.
Tom: I disagree. There's never been a blueprint for the dictatorship of the proletariat, so it's bound to make mistakes. But if you study history you'll see since the rise of the nation-state that socialism has been an historical inevitability, dude.

Ed: Spin the plate, or you're off the show, Zambini.

Gumby: [breaking up a passionate kiss between Donnie and Marie Osmond] Hey, cut it out! Is this how you kids go Hawaiian? Give me a Break here!

Mr. President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin' out da ol' ying-yang!
Da: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da funkin' saucers out of da funkin' sky!

Jeff: What brings to Suckerville, Kathie? This a social call?
Kathie: Not exactly. You've got to help me, Jeff... I need a gas cap.
Jeff: Still driving this old heep, huh?
Kathie: [smiles] You remembered...
Jeff: Only when I'm not asleep, or dreaming.

Doc: Well don't be afraid, I've treated most of the people in this town. Say, have you heard of Wild Bill Hickok?
Calamity Jane.: Yeah.
Doc: Now they call him Well-Adjusted Hickok. Billy the Kid? Now he's known as Mature William.
Calamity Jane.: Hmm.

Laraine: That's TERRIFIC bass.

Molly: I can bear a loser so long, baby.
[takes a ring off her vinger and hands it to Kid Ryan]
Molly: Put this back in the Crackerjacks you found it in. You punched this bag for the last time!

Saturday: The war betwen Iran and Irak came to a sudden end today, when the two nations each agreed to drop the last letters in their names and form one great, big nation named 'Ira'.

Dee: [referring to the text on Rainbow Head's T-Shirt] Ok now, ehm, John, John 3:16. For those of us who don't know football, which are a lot of us, who, who is that? Who is John 3:16?
Linda: Yeah. Is he a quarterback, is he a player?
Dee: Yeah...
Linda: What, what, what?
Rainbow: No, it's the reason I do this. It's a verse, from the Bible.
Dee: Oh, the Bible.
Linda: Ooh...
Dee: [turns to the camera] Best selling book ever.
Linda: Old book.
Dee: Yes. Bible, yes.
Linda: Old, old, very old, very, very good book.

Charlie: In my experience, Republican women are harder to open than a liquor store in Nebraska.

Tom: Thanks, Mr. Martin.
Steve: Oho, Please, call me Mr. Steve Martin.
Tom: Well, thanks, Mr. Steve Martin.

Michael: Now that is self-esteem! She plays terribly, and yet she feels great about herself, huh!

Tonto: Wake up, smell coffee!

Weekend: In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Ed's tombstone will bear the simple legend: "Mr. Dead."

Lorne: Is there anything special you'd like to do for your last show?
Dennis: Really?
Lorne: Anything, Dennis, you name it.
Dennis: Well, you know, I've always wanted to say, Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night.
Lorne: Well, there's the camera. Be my guest.
Dennis: Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!
Lorne: That was great. Uh, well... we're gonna miss you, Dennis.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too, Lorne.
[they shake hands]
Lorne: Well, time to start the show. Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

André: My major's drycleaning, with a minor in pressing.

President: People say the economy has problems. Try telling that to that... guy out there, in Oregon, who's working on that thing, doing it, going round and round with that whole area out there.

Don: You know why I'm laughing? 'Cause I know what's coming next and I'm so funny!

Jonathan: Now you know the rules on this show, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends' noses.
Burton: I'm sorry, I thought that was like a, an arbitrary names.
Jonathan: No, it's not just the name of the show, Mr. Stewart, it's also the show's credo.
Eli: Hey, I don't mind, eh, we're old friends...

Doug: I resolve that each day will be filled with magical possibilities! And these possibilities, because they are magic, will be only illusions!
Alan: What are you talking about?

Roger: That sound of the dog barking reminds us that it's time for our "Dog of the Week" segment.
Gene: Well, uh, Roger, I think we're both going to agree on this one. That the dog in this show, obviously, is, that's right, Chevy Chase.
Gene: I think that's, uh, pretty obvious.

Tina: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please.
[blows a kiss]

Nat: Rough childhood? You had a rough childhood? I'll tell you about rough childhood. I'll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama. Father was a sharecropper, mama was a maid for homeless white people. But that didn't bring him down. That did not bring that boy down. Today that boy is in showbusiness, and he's a big star.
La: Is that you, Nat?
Nat: No, that's not me, that's Slappy White.

Julia: Thanks, Brad. Boy, am I mad at the way things are run around here. In dress rehearsal, this speech was four and a half minutes long. Back to you, Brad.

Rosemary: Hi, I'm Rosemary Clooney. You know, I used to be young and cute, but now I'm old and fat. Real fat, as a matter of fact, I'm one big fat sloppy singer.

Franz: Yeah, you better not take off your belt, Mr. Waiter Man, you might cause a Flabbelanche!

Stuart: Michael, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Mylop: I'll be honest with you, gentlemen. When I first saw the size of the hole in your ozone layer, my eyes nearly popped out of my breasts.

Mr. Maracondia: [looking at a naked man in a casket] Oh, his poor wife!
Dolores: Yeah, she's really gonna miss him!

Wayne: Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.

Ted: We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Let's go there live.
John: [Being led into court by the police] Oh, it's good to see you all. Hi, I killed Buckwheat. I have a question for the American public, I have. When you dream, do you dream in color or black and white? 'Cause I dream in black and white. And last evening, I had a dream about lime jello. I didn't know what flavor it was, 'cause it was gray, then I tasted it and I realized it was lime. It was definately lime.
Reporter: Mr. Stutts; did you kill Buckwheat?
John: Sure.
Reporter: Did you realize what you're in for?
John: I don't care, sir.
Reporter: Why did you kill him, Mr. Stutts?
John: Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the Anti-Christ. Eh, his name is Petie, he's a dalmation. I named him, I named him after the dog in the Our Gang Follies. His name's Petie.

Kevin: I used to cheat in school and, eh, I find myself still cheating in life. I was at the grocery store last, eh... oh, lets make it last Monday. And eh, I caught myself cheating. You know, I was looking as somebody else's grocery list. And it hurt me, 'cause I got home and I had bought things I couldn't use... like six boxes of tampons, you know? Three jars of baby food. I can't use that.

Rick: Of all the cheap ski châteaux and all the lodgers in this cheesy resort, she has to stop in mine.

Himself: We know there are such things as sperm banks, right? There's one in New York. They're very much like a real bank. The only difference is that, with a sperm bank, after you make a deposit, you lose interest.

Fernando: Now what is this contraption, what is, what is this?
Mr. T: It used to be a parking meter.

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman: Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry: Thank you. Thank you, very much. Thank you. Thank you, very much. That's exactly the way I feel. Exactly. I'm very happy to be in New York. It's my favorite place in the world to be, I love everything about New York, I live here, I am New York. LaGuardia is my favorite airport in the world, because I like my runways as short as I can get 'em. And I also enjoy that nice body of water right past the edge of the runway. That's a nice touch, isn't it? I think they're thinking of putting some piranha in there. It's really the only way we can improve the take off area. LaGuardia of course as you know, named after the ex-Mayor of New York, Fiorello H. LaGuardia , and I'm sure that was quite an exciting day in his life when he got that noose. They probably said to him, "you know, Mayer, we've been doing a lot of thinking, and we've decided we're naming the airport after you". And he probably went "really? Which one?" And they went "LaGuardia. Right up on the grand central".
[hits his head]
Jerry: "Oh, yeah".

Kenneth: Hello, I'm Kenneth Reese-Evans and welcome to another episode of... Theatre Stories. Our guests tonight are Sir William St. John Steven Smythe Kersey, or "Knobby" as he's known at the Old Vic.
Sir: Hello, always a pleasure.
Kenneth: And, our, our next guest is an actress whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare was described as both Dyonesian and unabashedly insane, I am speaking of course of Dame Sarah Kensington.
Dame: I heard my name. They're calling me again.

Michael: [shouting] We got no cuecards!
Michael: Oh, that's marvelous, I find them so distracting anyway, don't you?

Bobby: My biological parents were... John F. Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe.
Mr. Blackwell: Interesting. The ones we've heard of?
Bobby: The President and the movie star, yes.

Announcer: [voice over during end credits] This is O.J. Pardo. The O.J is for Only Joking. Goodnight...

Nat: I think we all know who 'The Man' is, I'm talking about the man that made all the big keys on the piano white and all the little keys black. I'm talking about the man that gets pleasure from watching a bunch of white guys in uniforms take a stick and smack something black around. I'm not talking 'bout Rodney King, I'm talking about hockey!

Dieter: Hm, you plug your show with the subtlety of a flying mallet.

Julia: Do you think my hips are getting too wide? I don't. Nobody does! They're not.

Richard: Well... when I lost the race for Governor of California in 1962, I recall the saying, You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore! Well, that phrase caught on, and people seemed to like it. As things turned out, you don't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore. But now, you have my book! So, if you hate me, buy the book and kick it around! Yet, you don't have to read it, although I originally wrote it to be read. Just buy it, give it a boot! Really! If you're mad at me, kick the book around the house for an hour or two! Why, Pat's already on her fourth copy!

Dr. Swen Gazzara: The american people are not satisfied with routine employment. They resent having boring, tedious, subservient, just plain and humdrum jobs. Let's refer to them here and out as... "hum" jobs. I come from a humble working class family. My father had a "hum" job. My mother had a "hum" job. And me? I've had several "hum" jobs. For every corporate leader and every prestigious, high-paid executive, there are many workers underneath them performing the "hum" jobs. So come on, America, let's put pride back in our work, no matter how meager. Let's say: "Mr. President, give me a job digging ditches! Give me a job mopping floors! Give me a job selling newspapers! Mr. President... give me a "hum" job!"

Eddie: [During goodnights, Blythe Danner is dressed as a tuna fish] This woman - this woman, huh! This woman looks great in this fish outfit. But the star of this program has to be Joe Piscopo's dog, All-Star!

Officer: Let me see if I can put it another way. There's an old Persian proverb that says: Every man is free to jump as high as his own penis.

Weekend: [screen shows photograph of Dan Quayle holding up a pumpkin] Well. Here's an Update quiz: what's the difference between these two spherical objects? The answer is, eventually the one on the left will have a light in it. Sorry, Dan. Oh, you make it so damn easy.

Michael: In the last five years my family has become almost totally legitimate. We sold our gambling operations on Neptune, shot down our loan-sharking rackets on the moons of Saturn, we're out of every illicit operation except for the record industry.

Mr. Morrone: [desperately trying to sell whale meat] It's good for him, it's healthy! Blubber, nature's toothbrush!

CPO: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Captain: Yes, by all means.
CPO: You big, fat, stinking bastard! God, how I hate you! You make me want to puke with your flatulent breath and your 'Oh, I order you to do this' and 'Oh, I order you to do that'. Who the hell do you think you are, you pusilanimous bag of week old gold goat manure! If I had a dollar, no if I had a nickle for every...
Captain: Okay, okay, that's enough! I meant about the voyage!
CPO: Ah.

Craig: [hosting "What If?"] Well, that's it for tonight, join us next week when we pose the question 'What if George Washington could make himself invisible and had a robot friend?' Good night.

Dennis: In a surprise vote last night, the senate approved a third term for President Reagan, however they cancelled his first two terms, declaring them absolutely worthless.

Elliott: Gertie, I want you to think the most excellent thought you possibly can and tell me where E.T. is.
Gertie: I killed him.
Elliott: What?
Gertie: I killed the little sucker!

Chevy: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.
President: [via film] Good evening, I'm Gerald Ford and you're not.

Garry: I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Eh, blonde, I think. I'm not sure, her hair was on fire. And... and all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls? You know, "I'm hot. I'm on fire!" You know. "Me, me me!" You know. "Help me! Put me out!"

Reaganco: Yes, you can walk on the President with the ravishing Ronald Reagan linoleum tiles. They're hard, they're tough, they're stubborn, and Ronnie's face glows in the dark! What an exciting decoration concept.

Anita: I'm working on my Cosmotology course.
Eddie: Cosmo-what?
Anita: Cosmotology. It is the study of, of hairstyles and how they behave on the human head.

Little: Ready? Let's exercise! A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-boom! Know a gal named Daisy; the bitch is fat and lazy. Know a gal named Daisy; the bitch is fat and lazy. She flabby to the east; she flabby to the west; the girl got big old floppy breasts!Wooooooo!

Lana: Have you ever noticed how you never see Clark and the Flash together at the same time?
Lois: [thinks about it] Hmm...

Charlton: [reading a letter aloud] If you ask me, this whole operation is one big wank-a-thon.

Ned: This is a friggin' circus!

Cindy: [trying to remember which Woody Allen movie she has seen] I think it was in black and white, but, ehm, I remember it in color.
David: [turns to the camera] I feel guilty making her think so much.

Jane: Just to give you a hint of things to come: the marching band and drill team from the Louisiana State Prison. They all escaped this morning so that they could be here tonight.

Kevin: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.

Audrey: Agent Cooper.
Dale: Audrey. Did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?
Audrey: I quit that job as soon as I found out that Leo did it.
Leo: That's right. I'm the one.
Dale: [walking over to Leo] I'm talking to Audrey.
Leo: I got pictures, see?
[pulls his wallet out of his pocket]
Leo: Here's me, about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Steve: Don't touch me! I'm a timebomb...

Brace: This is what happens when you pollute the planet!

Weekend: Earlier this October, Congress extended the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional state legislature has ratified this most basic affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am therefore calling on the women of America to place a moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any male until the ERA is the law.

Amy: [On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.

Chevy: I was so... moved... and honored... uh... when they asked me to host this season's, uh... very first show. I don't know what to say, I'm almost in tears! But I was, uh, somewhat surprised to find, uh, that the show is still, uh... well... still done live from New York City. I'm happy. It's my town, and it's my people. And we're still giving great comedy from the Big Apple, great comedy right from the Big Apple out to the little fruits there in Hollywood. Huh!

Weekend: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?
George: What about my butt? Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you? It's hypnotic. Try to look away, you can't look away!

O.J. Simpson: You know, you're a pretty beautiful woman, huh. Why don't you join Sandy and Marie and I after the show?
Phyllis: [blushing] All three of us? Won't you be a little tired after all that exercize, Juice?
O.J. Simpson: Hey, my mouth don't write no checks my body can't cash.

Danny: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.

George: [during the 1988 Presidential debates] Well let me just sum up: on track, stay the course. A thousand points of light, stay the course.
Diane: Hm-hm. Governor Dukakis. Rebuttal?
Michael: I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.

SNL: Colonel Muammar Gaddafi announced this week that the two North African nations of Algeria and Libya will merge into one. The name of the new country will combine the names Algeria and Libya and will be called Algebra.

Saturday: [interrupting Mary Gross' rant against Christmas] Mary, Mary! Did you ever think that your name is half of Merry Christmas?
Mary: Oh yeah, and half of my name is Gross, so have a gross Christmas, that's what I say!

Steven: One time I was walking through the woods and I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Lego: Ze perfect date for me would be impossible under existing German laws. But a good date would involve a lot of humiliation, a sound spanking and of course, coffee and chocolate fingers.

Dale: Larry! That's minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.
Larry: I deserve it.

Ross: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.

Vito: ...the ASPCA is after me about this "horse" thing.

Weekend: As of yet there have been no deaths attriubited to the killer bees in Texas. However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.

Nicholas: [stammering] Well, well, they, they probably think I'm the biggest jerk who, who's ever been on the show.
Lorne: No, no, that would be Steven Seagal.

Mrs. T.: [Commercial for Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix]
[shouting]
Mrs. T.: If you're as mean as me and my husband, Mr. T, you should be drinking Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! I pity the fool that doesn't drink it! I pitty the fool! Ain't that right, Mr. T?
Mr. T.: I pity the fool!
Mrs. T.: Now if you want the real Bloody Mary, you come to my apartment tonight, I'll show you a real Bloody Mary! You hear?
Mr. T.: She showed me!
Mrs. T.: Settle down, old man, and lemme finish! The strategy for a real bloody Mary is three parts Mr. & Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix, and one part vodka! Then you drink it down!
[She chugs the drink and wipes off her mouth]
Mrs. T.: That's mean! Now if any man says to me he doesn't like Mr. & Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix, I say to him: Shut up, old man! Shut up! And then I kill him to death, I kill the man! But I pity him first. It's a bloody shame. It's Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!
Mr. T.: Buy it or I'll kill ya!

Doug: Vonda, what have you learned from all of this? Will you ever sell your soul to the Devil again?
Vonda: Well... only for something really good, like eternal youth, or a really nice car.

Herb: You caught us with our warehouse full of pants down. Yes, down up and half way to Cleveland!

Master: But how did they know I was here?
Baudelaire: Ring, ring!
Master: [picks up the receiver] Yes?
Baudelaire: Acting, again!

Richard: : Alright, Beldar, let's make some Fast Money! Come on down here!
[Beldar joins Dawson at the center of the Family Feud stage]
Richard: : Alright, Beldar, I'm gonna ask you five questions at $100 a piece. I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your head... which will probably be a low-flying plane.
Beldar: Proceed, human, proceed!
Richard: : Is that like Go, man, go?
[the countdown clock starts ticking]
Richard: : Alright, name a famous explorer.
Richard: : Vypron the Insistent.
[a strike on the board]
Richard: : The biggest holiday of the year.
Beldar: The Moons of Mypzor!
[another strike]
Richard: : A place you keep your valuables.
Beldar: In a muldra iron field.
Richard: : A mode of transportation.
Beldar: A phone shoe.
[yet another strike]
Richard: : Something you eat with eggs.
Beldar: Fiberglass.
[final strike]
Richard: : Alright, fella, you were on quite a roll there. No points, no money. Don't feel bad about it, though, you'll be back tomorrow and have another chance at Fast Money. Until then, everybody, remember old people are our greatest national resources. So check in one today and push them around the block. So long, everybody!

Walter: [about the Not Ready for Primetime Players] When they didn't laugh at my jokes I figured, because I'm not a dummy, I mean, I figured there were three possibilities. One: they don't understand the jokes, two: they heard the jokes before or three: they didn't think the joke's were funny. Now, none of these things make any sense: they're too smart to not understand the jokes, they're too young to have heard the jokes before and they're not paying me enough to think the jokes were not funny.

Weekend: You know... we had a great story ready about Frank Sinatra's surgery but somebody beat the hell out of our cue card guy during the commercial and I've seemed to have lost that story.

Nina: That's the music news, we'll be back with a special interview and a world premiere video right after somebody tries to sell you something!

Clarence: My keyboard player, Lester, he started crying, man. A grown man started crying all over the keyboards, almost electrocuted himself.

Announcer: [at the start of the videotape "A Fantasy Dinner Date with Hans & Franz"] FBI warning: Hear me now and believe me later. The following is licensed for private use only. Any reproduction or re-broadcast will result in serious pummeling.

Zoraida: You know, me and you, Linda, you know, we are so simultanious, you know?

Steven: I remember the day the candle shop burned down. Everybody just stood around and sang "Happy Birthday".

Sam: Well, I've never seen such a small human before. I guess they're the ones called 'children'.

Wednesday: Pugsley, do you know what time it is?
Pugsley: Dinner time?
Wednesday: No. Hammer time.

Marilyn: Oh, Mr. President, I'm ready to do it.
John F. Kennedy: Fine, fine, now how do I handle this Berlin crisis?
[picks up a folder as Marilyn puts on her spectacles]

Weekend: In the wake of Soviet reform, Russia's Leningrad officially changed it's name back to St. Petersburg. Thousands of college students are expected to flock there for Spring Break. In a related story, Florida's St. Petersburg has changed it's name to Leningrad. Local residents are anticipating long lines this winter.

Weekend: It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up, because one of them is dating Yoko.

Steve: To, uh, open the show, I always like to do one thing that is impossible.
[holds up a straw]
Steve: So right now I'm going to suck this stool into my lungs.
[makes an effort to do so]
Steve: Oh, darn.
[throws away straw]

Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dennis: Dashing through the snow...
Dana: In a one-horse open sleigh...
Tom: Over the fields we go...
Dana: ...laughing all the way... Ha-haaa!
Dennis: Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana: Hey, what the hell'is a bobtail, Cha-Cha?
Tom: Don't be a big pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song, ho!
Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! *babe*!
[two of the Dennis Millers start cackling]
Dennis: Enough! Enough! Enough!
Dana: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh... Guess what folks, that's the news and we are outta here!

[John Belushi is drinking at the water fountain]
Mr. Hands: Say, look! There's John Belushi!
[places Mr. Bill in front of Belushi]
Mr. Bill: Yaaaay! Yaaay! John Belushi! Yaaaay!
[to Belushi]
Mr. Bill: Say, can you gimme your autograph, please?
Mr. Hands: [hands some paper and a pen to Belushi] It would really mean a lot to 'im!
Mr. Bill: [as Belushi turns Mr. Bill around and leans on him to write] Oh, boy! He's gonna do it! Yaaay! John Belushi, my favorite star, hey!
[to Belushi]
Mr. Bill: Say, can you write "To Mr. Bill, from John Belushi?" And can you spell my name right, huh?
Mr. Hands: That's right. And make sure you dot your "I"!
Mr. Bill: Yaaaay!
[Belushi forcefully lodges the pen through the paper, stabbing Mr. Bill]
Mr. Bill: OHHHH!

TransEastern: TransEastern airlines. You feel like you never left the ground. Because we treat you like dirt.

Steve: I called three girls up tonight. None of 'em would go out with. You know why? 'Cause I hadn't hosted in two years!

Joan: Mr Mainway, let's talk about the milk you're serving our children. We've taken the libery of having your milk analyzed at the lab. I think the public has a right to know. It's dog milk.
Irwin: Yeah, so what? Dogs are mammals, aren't they?
Joan: I don't know where you get it, how you get it or who actually milks the dogs, and I don't care to know.
Irwin: Well, it's your loss, Miss Face, because it's a very interesting process, let me tell ya.

The: Hitler sneaking into heaven? This comedy piece has no right to be on your program, it's obviously stolen from Monty Python.
Peter: Come off it, Graham, come off it, are you kidding?
The: One: you got a man dressed as a woman.
Hitler: [high pitched voice] No!
The: Two: I distinctly saw that man doing a silly walk.
[indicating Hitler]
Peter: He did not.
The: And three: You got no ending.

Weekend: US economists this week introduced a new term for the rich of our country, we now have millionaires, billionaires, trillionaires and a new classification for people who say they're millionaires but really aren't: the designation Milli Vanilliionaire goes into effect on January first.

Klaus: These are super sounds, with a capital S.S. So call and demand your copy now, our operators are standing by and they are only taking orders for a short time.

Phil: You're a lonely American male, you've decided to jump back into the dating game. You take Mary Lou to dinner and during an intimate moment you discover that you're also out with Leslie and Becky. Women who name their breasts. Next Donahue.

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Dennis: That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.

Saturday: Thank you. I've only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.

Leonard: There, now, that wasn't so good, was it?

Reverend: We are gathered here, to be imbued with the attitude of gratitude.

Pops: The Nazi's, they're like the clan, but only worse, 'cause the Clan ain't got no submarine.

Announcer: This is Don Pardo, the voice of a thousand faces. Good night...

Weekend: Michaelangelo's David was damaged when a man described as deranged broke off part of it's toe with a hammer. The man said, quote: "A woman in a painting told me to do it". Police are questioning the Mona Lisa.

Weekend: This week, the giant Mitsubishi company of Japan bought New York City's Rockefeller Center, which includes the Radio City Music Hall and the building we do our show from, which will be hence be known as '30 Wok'.

Kathie: Hello Jeff, funny place to find you.
Jeff: Yeah, me and the kid laugh all the time.

Simon: [talking about his father] So you see, I get to see a lot of him, although, sometimes, I think he forgets he has a little boy. But still, he buys me any toy I want. Once, he bought me Action Man, which is like the British version of G.I. Joe, except that Action Man has to serve in Northern Ireland.

Weekend: Brooke Shields is being held for questioning for the serial eyebrow snatching.

Sheriff: [reading a freshly typed piece of paper] Okay, it says: my name is Toonces the cat. My owners, Lyle and Brenda Clark of 32-30 Meadow Lane are being held captive by... martians. He misspelled 'martians'. Get in the car with me and I will drive you to them. Let's roll!

SNL: This is the New York Daily News, which has a daily circulation of 1.5 million, but is in financial trouble. Now this is the New York Post, owned by Rupert Murdoch, who has been asked to buy the Daily News. Now Murdoch also owns the sleazy National Star. Now if the deal goes through, Moor- Murdoch says the new paper replacing the Daily News will be a combination of the Star and the Post and it'll be called, of course: the New York Compost.

Topol the Idiot: Oh, you caught me with my tongue in my hands.

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?
Husband: I love you! I love you, okay?
Wife: What if my arm was forty feet long and you had to move it around in a truck?

Todd: Carl, what's cooking in weather?
Bill: Eh, I'll tell you what's happening in the weather: it's raining bombs in Hawaii, that's what's happening!

Abe: He's not going anywhere! If he can help the Trotters win games, I don't care what color he is! Why, he could be green! Or... dark green, or... or lime green. Or... or olive green.

Ron the barber: I remember once I was giving a guy in the hospital a haircut, and he died right when I finished. His head slumped forward, you know, and I thought he wanted me to trim more off the back. I'm goin', shoppin' like a you know what at the back of this guy's neck and the guy in the next bed says to me: hey, I think he's taken his last haircut. That's how I found he was dead.

Ronald: You know, Jim, I've always admired your work in pictures.
James: Oh, well thank you sir, I've always admired your... way with horses.

["Weekend Update" opening]
Norm: Good evening, this is the fake news.

Leslie: Just imagine doing a scene with some young actress, and soiling both your costume and hers. Now, that can be really embarrassing. That's why I wear Dripmaster, the undergarment from Geritech that takes the worry out of walking around. In fact, I'm relieving... myself right now!

Havnagootiim: And does the light really go out when we close the refrigerator door? We do not know, because we eat the only witnesses.

Showcase: We'd like to welcome our new sponsor, tonight: Nice Ass Baby pantyhose. When you hear 'Nice Ass', chances are, it's Nice Ass Baby.

Michael: I never wanted to be an actor anyway, I wanted to be... a claims adjuster!

Tanny: Hey Tony, would you mind if, if, eh, Svetlana and I use the ladies room?
Tony: Oh, no, no, be, be my guest, but, but you're gonna need a key, though...
Tanny: Oh, okay...
Ivan: Here, here, why don't you use mine.
Tanny: Oh! Oh...
Ivan: Alright, let me see now.
[holds up a bunch of keys and goes through them one by one]
Ivan: Okay, wait a minute, this is the decoding room... you go past that...
Tanny: Hm-hm.
Ivan: This is the shredding room...
Tanny: Okay, aha...
Ivan: Okay, this is Classified Documents... Okay... Winebago... Okay... Alright, here you go, ladies room.

John: Issue seven: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!
Pat: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: El Clifto!
Eleonor: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: More-tons-of-fun!
Morton: Well, I think it's "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night."
John: Wrong! The correct answer is: "Show-show-show, here we go!"

Father: It's amazing to me all the interest in the Popes, the last couple o' weeks. I think it's because of John Paul's visit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason, people are buyin' these posters that show all of the Popes and people want to know what their names are, what their real names are, when they was livin', when they died, all that stuff. And... going along with this Papal mania, I've kind of designed a contest about the Popes.
[holds up a large photo showing a close-up of a pizza]
Father: It's-a called "Find the Popes in-a the Pizza" All two hundred and fifty-four Popes, they're in here. And, what we're gonna do in about one minute, we're gonna put a close-up of this on your screen and, you at home, all you have to do is get some, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can see through and paste it to your screen, or tape it, whatever you want, and all you gotta do is get a pencil and draw a circle around every place you see a picture of a Pope.

Donnie: [rapping] My name is Donnie and I'm here to say, they call me Donnie 'cause that's my name. Bananas are good in every way. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Dale: We still haven't heard from the Log Lady.
Sheriff: Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady.
Dale: Why not?
Sheriff: Well, because there's only two women left on Saturday Night Live, and we've already used them both up.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: Now claustrophobia as you know, is the fear of being confined. But did you know that 'Klaustrophobia' is the fear of Germans?

Weekend: A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! Great news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse.
[holds up the device]
Weekend: Now, it's called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here, enough for three inceptions. They're not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane, a whole year's supply for ya'!

Weekend: Yesterday was Friday the 13th. Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been 935 Fridays the 13th, which is only 14 less than the number of Friday the 13th movie sequels.

Ed: Enough! Enough! You have 14 ships to get ready, and we'll be right back.

Adolf: The Russians are swine! Just one step above the Poles! Two steps above the Gypsies! Four steps above the Homosexuals! Five steps above the Negroes! Nine steps above the Dwarves! Fifteen steps above the Gypsy Homosexuals! Twenty-seven steps above the Negro Gypsy Homosexual Dwarves! And forty-three steps above the Jews! Did I mention the Homosexual Jews?

Dieter: I feel spent, like a man who is forced to wear his genitals like a pendant.

Gern: Thank you, Don Pardo! Thank you and good evening. I'm Gern Blanston , and welcome to Hollywood Bingo, where you meet the big stars, go for the big prizes and the big money. You know how the game is played: six across up or down and there's a free space and go for the big money.
[catches breath]
Gern: OK now, let's meet the stars. Hello, stars!

George: [to Gary Kroeger] Why, you scoundrel!

Saturday: An unconfirmed source reports this morning that the U.S. marine corp suddenly pulled out of Lebanon. A frustrated Lebanon had no comments.

Patti: I mean, where is an underage girl supposed to go to learn about sex these days? Roman Polanski's?

Self: Now finish your soup. 'The Muppet Movie' starts in twenty minutes.

Weekend: Newly elected governor of Arizona Evan Mecham ran on a platform that included a promise to cancel the states's observance of Martin Luther King Jr's birthday, now a federal holiday. True to his word, Arizona last week did not observe the holiday. Has anybody here seen my old friend Evan? Can you tell me where he's gone? I thought I saw him walking on, over the hill, with Benito, Adolph and Juan.
[audience cheers and applaudes]
Weekend: Juan Perón that is, you know it's really hard to rhyme fascists.

Todd: No problem, just having a heart attack.
[pounds his chest]
Todd: ... Almost over! Done, done.
Bob: Very good. Very nice recovery, now how, how many heart attacks is that for you Todd?
Todd: That makes a bakers dozen for me.
Carl: Jeez, I've on- I've only had six.
Bob: Well, something to shoot for Carl.

Pops: Now you gotta have some patience, boy. You think this took a long time, you should see how long it took me to cook the Loch Ness Monster. Yeah, you ain't lived 'till you had some grilled Nessie. Hm-hmm!

U.S.S. Cunningham captain: I appreciate that, I do so wanna be loved by the men.
Officer: You mean all together or one at a time?

Johnny: I'm sorry, there I go again, but what the hell, I'm sorry, I just don't see, eh... I don't see people tuning in for Jay Leno.
Ed: No, sir.
Johnny: I mean, eh, he's got that... sort of a weird face, kind of unattractive.
Ed: Lantern Jawed freak, yes.
Johnny: I mean eh, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn't it?
Ed: Dick Tracy villain, yes.
Johnny: That's right.

Tiny: Hey, man, I'm not cute! I'm a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!

Alex: [a clip from the cop show "Smart Street"] Get out of my sight, Lopez, or so help me, I'll kick your rear end up and down this freaking block!
Lopez: Hey man, I don't give a flying damn what you say, it's a bunch of flippin' B.S.!
Alex: Listen, you son of a gun, you know what you are? You're nothing but a little piece of bullcrud. You know what bullcrud is, don't ya? That's what you find in a field after a bull's been there. Now I'm going off to the W.C and when I get back, I want your rump outta here!
Donna: [cut back to the host of "Movers and Shakers"] Wow!
Allen: Now, the network wanted me to take out 'bullcrud' and have Cuchek say 'baloney'. Now, I can't have Alex Cuchek, a streetwize cop, saying 'baloney'. The language of the street is 'bulcrud'.
Donna: Certainly... certainly the streets I know.

Dr. Frankenstein: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the...?
Frankenstein's: Fire!
Dr. Frankenstein: Yes, I suppose it could happen.

Peter: Now, before we take a last look at our two finalists, Lets explain how the Sexiest Man Alive is selected by our panel of judges. All of our contestants are graded on their performance in each of the following five categories: butt; buns; talent; vulnerability and rear end.

Lord: I say, the moon is out, and yet it is day. The moon mocks me... and I will not be mocked!

Joe: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
James: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
Joe: Wait; how old are you?
James: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
Joe: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
James: No, I was 19. Anyway...
Joe: Wait a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
James: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
Joe: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
Mary: Well, Joe, in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
James: [chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
Joe: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
Tim: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
Joe: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
Tim: Oh, no! No! Please, No!
[begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
Tim: President Kennedy is dead!
Joe: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.

Steve: And I believe it's derogatory to refer to a woman's breasts as "boobs", "jugs", "winnebago's" or "golden bozo's", and you should only refer to them as "hooters".

Mikhail: [quoting from "The Day The Earth Stood Still"] Ah, "Klaatu Barada Nikto".
Ronald: Yep. "Klaatu barada nikto". I always wondered what those words meant...
Mikhail: Oh it means: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Richard: [crying because Drew is leaving] Drew's last copy! Franklin Drewsevelt! The Drewbics Cube! Harry S. Drewman...

Weekend: A new medical study has found eating cellery can lower high blood pressure in rats. The same study shows rats only get high blood pressure because they're forced to take part in studies. Further studies reveal that four out of five people think that the fifth one is an idiot.

Weekend: Trust me, that was a good joke if I would had read it right.

Laraine: Well, I think it's really exciting to have an 80-year-old grandmother host the show.
John: What if she forgets her lines?
Laraine: Don't worry, she won't. You know, you should be this together when you're 80 as Mrs. Spillman is.
John: Don't worry, I'll probably be dead by 30.

Abraham: [arriving late at Ford's Theatre] Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes!
[laughs loudly at his own joke]

Penny: Wayne, you're at the top of your profession, how did you get there?
Wayne: Well, hockey is different from marketing; it's more of a sport.

Jane: Oh! This story just in. Oh, my God! Washington - with guns blazing, a deranged gunman shot his way across Pennsylvania Avenue, leaped over the iron fence of the White House ...
Buck: [interrupting] Jane, excuse me just a moment, but the Baton Rouge High School band is just coming up the street.

Weekend: If you'd like a written transcript of this newsbroadcast, learn to write really fast. I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

John F. Kennedy: Bobby, eh, we better give eh, Elvis some of these eh, sleeping pills eh , we might need a few hours to get away.
Bobby: Right.
[takes the pills, looks at the label]
Bobby: We can't Jack, they're addictive.
John F. Kennedy: Just do it.

Ruth: [during goodnights] Well, when I opened up here I said I loved what I was gonna do, well you know a funny thing? Things don't always work out that way, I actually did love what I was gonna do. And you know, It's a live show and we all stayed alive. You all, we all, that makes it nice. And I'll tell ya what else made it nice: if you could see some of the bare ass changes I was making off there, you would have thought that might have been more entertaining than anything...
[is drowned out by audience applause as the Not Ready for Primetime Players get up on stage]

Jack: [Deep Thoughts voice over] The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Weekend: President Bush, this week, took time to pose knowingly with three devices that he has absolutely no clue about.

SNL: In other news, this week saw major developments in Western Europe's monetary systems, including the devaluation of several currencies. Hardest hit was the Italian Lire, which will now be worth only 8/10th of a bucket of warm spit.

Captain: Mr. Hodo! Mr. Spunk! Is this how men act on a man's ship? Where is your manliness? Fighting on deck is a serious breach on my articles of strict discipline! I'm afraid the guilty party is in for a very severe punishment! Well, Mr. Hodo?
Mister: Captain, it's a - I did indeed take Mr. Spunk's spot. I am ready to accept my punishment...
First: Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish.
Shipmate: Captain, I encouraged this fight, punish me! Make me wear nipple-pinching clothespins, sir!
Shipmate: Me, Captain! Punish me!
Captain: Stop! Stop this, I've heard enough! Your manly admission of guilt is most manful and well befits a crew of men. However, as your Captain, it is I who must bear the full masculine responsibility! And therefore, I will suffer punishment.

Garçon: Oh, Monsieur Bob, you sure drink and drink like a glamorous role model. Oh I wish I could drink as much as you.
Monsieur: Well, just remember, it doesn't matter how much you drink, only that you drink as much as you can.

Princess: [quite tipsy] When will you understand that I am a person? That I am not some thing... that I am me, a person, and not just some thing. That you can't treat me like some thing. Because I am not a thing. I am a person, so treat me like a person and not a thing, because that is what I am. A person. Me.
[buries her face against Ronald Reagan's broad chest]
Ronald: Well, that pretty much says it all.
Prince: [stands up, walks to Diana] Oh darling, you poor thing.

Weekend: In medical news, a major study published today concluded that aspirin, the classic headache remedy, can lessen your risk of colon cancer. Providing of course, you've got your head up your ass. I'm Kevin Nealon, and that's news to me.

Weekend: In a valiant effort to fight off the wimp label, Vice President George Bush has announced that for the rest of the campaign he's changing his name to 'George Butch'.

Roseanne: A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey writes in and says: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin'. Now, I'm depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swelled, my gums are bleedin', my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractive guy... you belong in New Jersey!

Marilyn: Oh Jack, you're so cute when you're incompenent.

Tommy: [explaining a picture of himself in the paper] You see... the fact is that, uh... is eh... that's my double! Yeah! I'm a... I'm a spy! Yeah, in fact, I'm a double agent! Yeah, that's it! Why, I'm so important, they have two of me! Yeah! And, eh, and they sent him to Atlantic City to uh.. to see if there was any gambling going on. Yeah. And they still don't know.
Laura: But it, it looks just like you!
Tommy: Oh, no, no.. that's black and white! I'm in color!
Margaret: Oh! Well, that explains everything!

Mary: Allright, allright, allright, you wanted a cake, I brought a cake. So stone me.

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city's sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He, he never mentioned that..
Bartholemew: Yeah, well, the, the sewers. Well, that's where I live, right? So... you know, I use them to get around a lot, so... I don't know, it's funny, but you can learn a lot about the city that way.

Gilda: I like your nose...
Steve: Ah. Well, you're, you're so healthy looking, that's what I like, you're real natural.
Gilda: Well, uh, I try to eat right, and I exercise. And I never, uh... open a safety pin and punch into my face all over.

Lorne: [in the control room, during James Woods' monologue] I just don't want any shooting unless it's absolutely necessary.
SWAT: All right, Mr. Michaels, but I dunno if you realize what kinds of sick, psychotic weirdo freak it is that we're dealing with out there.
Lorne: I just can't take the chance that you might shoot Dana Carvey.
SWAT: All right, whatabout members of the audience?
Lorne: Let me see what it says on the back of the ticket.
[pulls a ticket from his shirt pocket and reads for a moment]
Lorne: Do what you have to do.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: If hearing one more cute Christmas song will drive you crazy, you may need a Fa-La-La-Lobotomy.

Tarzan: Tarzan thankful for many thing: for vine that not break, for stick that not snake, for crocodile free lake, for Jane coconut cake.

Pat: I've said it before, I'll say it again: fur is murder... to clean.

Tyrone: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!

Dollar: Well folks, I sure hope you enjoyed this Tall Tale of Recession. After all, it's on TV, so it's free.

Dennis: [a photo of George W. Bush is shown] Know who this is? Unbelievable. This is George Bush, Jr. You know, he's really so much better looking than his father, isn't he? I mean, like a million trillion times, really. I... I'll betcha the old man hates him!

Tammy: I didn't make the cheerleaders squad.
Betty: Oh, that's a shame, Tammy, you worked your heart off for that team.
Jeff: Yeah, bum trip.

Weekend: A minor tragedy occured today at MacArthur Park, when somebody left the cake out in the rain. No word yet on the icing damage, although the recipe is feared lost.

Weekend: Well Einstein's theory of relativity, which postulates that people age more slowly when traveling through space was proven wrong this week with the release of Star Trek 6.
[a beat]
Weekend: You know I've seen, uh, Cocoon twice and this is the same picture.

Dieter: That poem pulls down my pants and taunts me.
Jimmy: Eh, well, that's exactly what it's supposed to do.

Phil: Now you've only had sex once, is that right?
Ellen: Yes.
Phil: And it was a bad experience, wasn't it?
Ellen: Phil, it was the most horrible experience of my life. it was so dirty and filthy and cheap and sordid and sticky and degrading and dirty.

Linda: Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Romanesque church design is based on the Roman basilica, discuss.

Shabazz K. Morton: So I messed up, shut up!
[audience laughs harder and starts clapping]
Shabazz K. Morton: Stop clappin' 'fore ya'll make me smile

Princess: It takes a big man to admit that he's a pathetic little weasel.

Ruth: Tonight, I'm here because I enjoy being here. I like to make an entrance! I like to get applause! And, when I'm on, I like to do something new, and is this ever new, tonight! Because tonight... the bunch believes that I, after sixty-one years of being an actress, that I am ready... for The Not Ready For Prime-Time Players. and how do you like this? Five will getcha ten... I am ready! Take it easy!

Church: Now, do I hear you correctly, Joey? You make a pass at a tight end who likes to go deep and long and... this is how you score?
Joe: [chuckles] That's correct.
Church: Well, isn't that special? Now, Wally, you are what is called, I believe, a, a running back. Now what do you do?
Walter: Well, I try to penetrate any opening I can find.

Emily: [about Tom Snyder] I love him! I love him! I love him! And where he goes I'll swallow, I'll swallow, I'll swallow! He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love, from now until forever, forever, forever!

Eddie: I have no formal theatrical training whatsoever yet I'm one of the stars of the new Saturday Night Live. I also make more in a week than most white people make in a year. Which leaves me to the conclusion that in 1981 a good education is just about as imporant as a warm bucket of hamster vomit.

Joe: Eh... Doug, Doug Henning, er, in your magic show, would you have a place for a young, sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?
Joe: Well, there's always room for beauty in the world of magic, Joe!

Dr. Jack Badofsky: Today, there are many new virulent strains of herpes I'd like to tell you about. The first is Whorepes. Now this is transmitted solely by prostitutes who do not bath regularly. Now Whorepes should not be confused with Hopis, which you get from certain tribes of Indians. Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of Twerpes. Also, if you should make love to a person who works at a snowcone stand, you could bet Slurpes. And... and of course, sleeping with a green giant could give you Le Sueur Peas.

Tonto: Tonto not sure! Two Frankenstein's identical, Tonto not sure!

Saturday: Well, that's all the news for tonight. Goodnight, right on.

Bill: [Pat and Pat's parent are arguing] Listen, maybe I should just...
Pat: No, no, stay, I want you to hear the madness!

Woody: Great. Meyer Lansky jokes. I'm here with the mob and I'm the only Jew in the room. They're probably gonna make me keep the books. What am I doing here? What could I possibly have in common with Frank Sinatra?
Bob: How about Mia Farrow?

Announcer: [voice over] Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.
Chevy: You know, a lot of times, I'm out for dinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquor drink or something like that or her date or her friend's date or something like that, you know, and they're all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me, he says, So, uh, what'll be? You know? And I just sort of smile and pop right up and say, "Milk, please!" You know why? Because I know that a single glass of delicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast.

Baudelaire: Upstart!
Master: Pipsqueak!
Baudelaire: Amateur!
Master: Spear carrier!

Steven: I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world.
[audience laughs and claps]
Steven: Maybe you've seen it?

Kenneth: Please Hammer, don't hurt him.

Molly: Well, I dreamt that I was a deep, dark tunnel, and that you were a train. The biggest train I'd ever seen. You roared into me with tremendous force, the earth shattered, then you backed up and did it again.

SNL: Former and present First Ladies Betty Ford and Nancy Reagan got together this week to compare notes on which president was best in the bedroom. Inexplainably, they agreed it was Richard Nixon. Mr. Nixon could not be reached for comment, which is a highly unusual note in itself.

Geraldine: Earlier this week, as you probably heard, Barbara Bush, the wife of the Vice President, referred to me as, quote: 'a four million dollar word that rhymes with rich, but I can't say it', end quote. Now what do you think Little Miss Prep school was calling me? A ditch? A witch? A hitch? No, I think Babsie has something else in mind and I'm fuming mad about it. How dare she accuse me of being a snitch? I never squealed on anyone in my life. And if you don't believe me, just ask my husband, or the auditors at the Internal Revenue Service. That bitch has no right calling me a snitch!

Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show "under a cloud".
Butch: Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew!
[laughs]

Ted: [reporting on Buckwheat's funteral] We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.
Announcer: [voice over] This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life, because you could die tomorrow.

Colleague: Hey, eh, how 'bout some music? Eh, Aerosmith ok with everyone?
Pat: Oh, great. I love "Dude Looks Like a Lady".

Master: Thank you for the lampshade.

Church: I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I don't watch MTV, but what exactly are 'pornographic acts'?
Jimmy: They are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin!
Church: I see, and exactly who's chasm were we sinning in, hm?

Doug: I'm the last of the Whiners. Doctor, my genes must live on!

Elvis: Listen, Lennon, you gotta remember: it's a business first.
Ringo: Hm, that's what I said.
Paul: Quiet up, Ringo, Elvis is talking.

Nun: [during the Small World ride at Disneyland] Oh, they're singing in Chinese, the darlings!
Passenger: I don't like this, it reminds me of 'Nam.

Mary: Did I mention that, eh, Spielberg called me? He wants me to do his next film. It'll be my first nude role.
Julia: Oh, a horror film! Congrats!

Krylar: Yes, on our planet women have eyes here.
[indicates her breasts]
Krylar: You see, men stared at women's chests instead of in their eyes for so many centuries, that... through natural selection, their eyeballs evolved onto their nipples.
General: Eh... well, so, so, eh... then it's all right to... stare at your breasts?
Krylar: Yes. It would be rude not to.

Betty: Better stop your drillin', or you'll be on penicillin!

Franz: Listen to me tonight and hear me some time and believe me tomorrow and talk about it some other time.

Announcer: Next week on Poetry Corner, James Coburn reads selections from his wallet.

Sonya: Hans, come and get your dinner before I throw it in the canal!

Michael: [after receiving her knitting and her book from her son Michael Palin] No, that's all. Now go ahead and be funny.

George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Pop-Tart?

Lily: I've been reading all about your new show, The Muppet Show.
King: They said they don't want us there, that's family entertainment.
Lily: Well aren't you family entertainment?
Scred: Hell yes!

Victoria: Before I review tonight's movie, I would like to explain my movie ratings system. Four stars is a pretty good movie. Not the best, but it's well worth watching in my opinion. Three stars is the best. Rush out and see this movie, they don't make 'em any better. Two stars is the worst. Don't waste your time or your money, it's bottom of the barrel. And one star is pretty good, too. Now, the movie that I'll be reviewing tonight is called Three Men and a Baby and I give it fifteen stars. Thank you.

Sheriff: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.
Dale: Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.
Sheriff: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.
Dale: Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

Saturday: Well, that's all for, eh, Saturday Night News. Thank you, right on, good night.

Weekend: Remember, tonight's the night you set your clock back an hour, just to confuse it's little clock mind.

Danny: [plugging the film "Tin Men"] Well, among other things, It's about two rival aluminum siding salesmen and one guy has an affair with the other guy's wife, eh, to get even, you know?
Church: Oh, so it's a movie about adultery?
Danny: No, no, no, no. It's not, it's not about, it's a comedy. It's not about adultery.
Church: And what's our rating, Daniel? Could it be "R"?
Danny: Yes, it is an R rating, yes.
Church: Yes, I thought it was. Aparently some of us have to use the 'F' word to be funny.

Chevy: And now, as a service for our viewers, here is Garrett Morris to provide the headlines for the hard of hearing. Today's top story; Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead
Garrett: [shouting] Today's top story: Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Mercenary: [referring to Mary Richards] Is it true what they say about her?
Lou: What?
Mercenary: She can turn the world on with her smile.
Lou: Yeah.. yeah, she could...
Mercenary: And could she really take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Lou: No, of course not! Don't be stupid!

Guardian: Behold!
Andrew: What is that?
Guardian: That... is Nora Dunn.
[cackles as audience laughs and applauds]
Guardian: Because you were never born, she was here that night, and was accidentaly crushed by Sinead O'Connor's amplifier.
Andrew: That's awful.
Guardian: O'Connor felt so terrible... she never sang again.
Andrew: Hey, that's too bad, she was a cute bald chick.

Rosanna: [learning her lines] Oh Lorne, kiss me, you fancy dresser, you! Makes me dizzy.

Alan: [admiring himself in a mirror] That's a tight butt, honey. That's a young butt and I've got two of 'em!

Johnny: Thank you. I'm Johnny Johnson and welcome to "Who's Dumber?"

Lakasha: Desmond, see if you can find something on the jukebox you wanna see this white girl dance too.

Game: [voice over] Who's Ass Should I Kiss is an Arsenio Hall production.

Pat: Let me just throw you a wild, crazy question. Uhm, what attracts you to a woman?
Louis: Blackness. Very, very dark skin. I like a woman so black, she's blue... with blonde hair.

Ralph: It's time to play "You Win a Dollar". Don, tell us what he's playing for.
Announcer: [off screen] Well, Dale, it's a dollar, that's all! Just a dollar. It's not even a new dollar, it's kind of old and the corner's been ripped, but we taped it back together, so it's still good!

Woman standing in line: How long will it be before a table opens up?
Doorman: Oh, two or three days. I suggest you try The Limelight, The Tunnel or Nell's.
Woman standing in line: I am Nell!
Doorman: I don't care who you are, the Teeny Café is packed!

Nathan: I'm hanging up because I find your voice offensive, and I'm sure your breath is the same.

Announcer: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update News Team. Brought to you by Colonel Lingus, the Southern Fried Chicken that takes a lickin'.

Bee: Bees are like Muppets with longer contracts, you understand?

Tim: Monologue is going great, don't you think? They're not laughing, but they're thinking.

Laraine: [rounding up her locker room interview] Well thanks for being so open with us, O.J. I'm very excited to be here and,
[glancing down again]
Laraine: from the looks of things it seems the feeling is mutual. Laraine Newman reporting, back to you Dan.

Girl: She caught the shine on my forehead, and just kept on truckin'.
Girl: I was there all along, backing you up with my big ol' head!

Old: Stop acting like a woman, son, it turns my stomach.

Announcer: Join us next week for "Escape From the Planet of the Gays"

Mr. Spock: My attempt to discuss family business while you were having a flashback, was most illogical.

Julian: These people had me come all the way up here from Atlanta to... to be their chocolate Easter bunny.
[pause]
Julian: And I am.

Dr. Jack Badofsky: But there are many other types of orgasms recently discovered, for instance: Eskimos have Thawgasms. Indians have Squawgasms. Hillbillies have Hee-Hawgasms. Hockey players have Bobby-Orrgasms. And tennis players have Bjorn Borgasms.

Chevy: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not.

Dan: Jane, you ignorant slut!

Chevy: And now with tonight's commentary; Miss Emily Litella.
Emily: Thank you, cheddar. What's all this talk about violins on tv? I think we need more violins and less of that loud rock music. And furthermore...
Chevy: Uh, excuse me; Miss Litella. It's violence on TV, not violins.
Emily: Oh. Never mind.

Mayor: So when I heard that Eddie Murphy left Saturday Night Live, I applied for his job. And do you know what? I got it! I was picked over hundreds of qualified applicants who weren't the Mayor of New York. Isn't that nice, boys and girls? I think so.

Sammy: [giving clues for the word 'pickle'] This is a little hot, spicy number.
Rajeev: Rita Moreno.
Sammy: No, babe. It comes from a cucumber, they let it sit in a barrel with its brothers so it becomes something else.
Rajeev: A caterpillar.
Sammy: Let's, eh, move on.

Weekend: Today is the Ides of March, the two thousand and thirtieth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar. Now here's a guy who was a statesman, a military genius, an author and the leader of the Roman Empire and how is he remembered today? A Vegas hotel and a salad you can only order for two people.
[audience laughs]
Weekend: Sorry Julie, it's the best we could do, babe.

Hans: You know, even though we are eensy-weensy, you are still looking at the two most pumped up shrunken men in the universe.
Franz: Ja, and we are still larger than many things. For instance, I am twice the size of a Flinstone vitamin. And not a Barney, a Fred.

Man: Are you serious?
Ross: Serious as a bedbug in a whore house.

Estelle: Ooh, tough day at the orifice, dear?

Weekend: When asked to define 'obscene art', a Senate spokesman said 'This is art that you wanna look at every few minutes.'

Prymaat: [to Connie] Your cone is too young to know the senso-ring! Go to your sleep chamber without consuming mass quantities! Go!

Weekend: Well, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening recently exchanged vows at a small private ceremony. The wedding interrupted Warren's bachelor party, which had been going on since August 1959.

Mister: See what these are, boys and girls? They're drums. That's a musical instrument, you know. Do you know where drums come from? From Africa. Know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off. I wonder how Smokey's gonna sound with no percussion? Do you know what drums sound like, boys and girls? Listen:
[begins playing and singing]
Mister: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival...
[phone rings]
Mister: That's the telephone, boys and girls. Lets see who it can be.
[picks up the pone and shouts]
Mister: Who is it? What? Nah, that ain't loud, this is loud:
[Blows a whistle into the phone]
Mister: Now where were we, boys and girls?
[sits down and begins playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Beating on the door] Robinson! Robinson! I know you're in there, stop beatin' them drums! You hear me?
Mister: That's my new neighbor, byt don't be scared, boys and girls, I just installed a new lock. He'll never get in here.
[Starts playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck] Hello, boys and girls; the new word for today, is 'pain'.
[to Mr. Robinson]
Mr. T.: Sing the song.
Mister: [struggling to sing with very high voice] A very happy tomorrow to you.
Mr. T.: [choking Robinson] Good night, boys and girls.

Mr. Bill: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Theodoric: Wait a minute, perhaps she's right. Maybe the king doesn't have a monopoly on truth. Maybe every man should be judged by his peers... a, a jury of his peers! Six good men. No wait, eight good men. No... ten good men! No, that's not enough, let's see... Eithteen good men. No, that's too many. Let's see, eleven good men. Wait! Thirteen good men. No, eleven or thirteen, it really doesn't matter.
Theodoric: [after pausing for a moment] Naahhh!

Weekend: Dan, you self-important swine ass.

Master: Dear diary, woe is me! Tonight, I open in "Romeo and Juliet, the Later Years". Shakespeare's true version, in which the ill-fated lovers do not meet until middle age.

Raymond: [narrating] She had the kind of figure that... made you wanna have sex with her. Tall, with legs that started at her ankles... and ended at her hips. Andm eh, they bended a little at the knees, you know the type.

Tori: Welcome to Tori. You're probably asking yourself: Tori, where are you? Well, I'll tell you. This is the stuffed animal room. Each week on Tori, we will broadcast from a different room in the house. We have 400 rooms. That'll easily get us into syndication.

Reporter: Is it true that the president is a hundred feet tall?
Ross: Nooo, absolutely not!
Reporter: Is the president ninety feet tall?
Ross: No comment.

President: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in-chief I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won't, but then again, I might. Now if we do go to war, I can assure you it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of Vietnam.

Dan: [on Weekend Update] The Treasury has just released the new metric conversion terms for American Federal Reserve currency, which will come into effect in 1981. The dollar will still be called the dollar, but quarters will be called quart-dollars, dimes will be deca-dollars, nickels will be penta-dollars, and pennies will be called hi-how-do-ya-do's. No explanation was given.

Joan: [about Elizabeth Taylor] She's the only person I know who lives alone and has a 20-slice toaster.

Mr. Subliminal: According to President Bush, nothing is more important than human lives. *Oil.*

Announcer: This docu-drama, while based on actual events, includes some ficticious material. The character of Golda Meir is a composite, based on that of the real Golda Meir and a beautiful young model.

Phil: You can barely walk, you can't concentrate on your work, you feel like you're going insane. When your shoelace is caught inside your shoe. On the next Donahue.

John: Uh, my whole family is planning to watch the show, unless it's pre-emptied for the Kentucky University basketball game, at which point they'll drive up to Mount Vernon and watch it at the Holodome, unless they have to pay for the room overnight.

Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

Loose: Ok, Mr. I-Gotta-Know-Everybody-Else's-Business. I go out with Wang Wu.
Ching: Hoo wah!
Loose: No, I see him next week.
Ching: Who?
Loose: Next week!
Ching: Wha?
Loose: Next week!

Nat: Well, little girl, when I have time off, I like to go bowling. You see, there's nothing I like better than taking that big black ball and throwing it into those ten white pins with the red necks!

Lady: Why, Bootblack. I see that the master's footwear isn't the only thing you've buffed to a high gloss!
Bootblack: What?
Lady: You know what I mean...
Olivia: Odd remark, from one so close to being in the buff herself!

Jake the Hired Hand: You talkin' to me, Ms. Luke?
Ms. Luke: Well I, do recall my lips movin'.

Connie: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends and their Halloween activities.
Prymaat: Activities?
Connie: Apple bobbing.
Prymaat: Apple bobbing?
Connie: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. The emersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyant fruit with a major orifice.
Prymaat: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

[Wayne is playing Truth or Dare with Madonna]
Madonna: Have you ever made love to two women at the same time?
Wayne: Um... yes?
Madonna: I believe you... not!
Wayne: I might make love to two women at once.
Madonna: Yeah, you might, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!

Frank: Well, uh.. I don't understand. When I think Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Phil: Tie a bow on this one folks! I'm leaving no doubt, turn out the lights, this one is history!

Weekend: During an appearance on "This Week with David Brinkley", Vice President Dan Quayle claimed that he isn't bothered by all the jokes about him on television, unless his wife or kids explain what they mean, then he gets pretty PO'ed, you know.

Tom: Well, uh, let's take a look, eh, we have some pamphlets and brochures that the agency has prepared. Uh, lets see. Here, here's one, "Termination of Chief Executives: Dos and Don'ts." Uhhh, oh! And here's one, it's called: "So You Want To Kill The President." Now, will these help you at all?

Franz: Hans, would you ever go up in a rocketship to Mars?
Hans: No, Franz, because then I would be weightless, and that is my worst nightmare.

Announcer: [narrating] Dirk Landers! He was a top agent for the CIA until he learned too much. Now they want him dead. The mob has a contract out on him and the KGB wants to put him on ice. There's nowhere to run, no place to hide and no one to trust for... Dirk Landers! Tonight's episode: A Stranger Knocks.
Dirk: [a stranger knocks] Come in!
A: [a stranger enters] Are you Dirk Landers?
Dirk: Yes I am.
[the stranger shoots Dirk Landers three times with a silenced gun]
Announcer: [narrating] This concludes the Dirk Landers series. Join us next week for the premiere of... Bosco Tanner. He was a hitman wanted by the law but now he works for the CIA. In stereo where available.

Norm: A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.
[Norm holds up a handful of money]
Norm: [slyly] Don't I know it?

George: [Leading an angry mob to tear down Mr. Potter's office door after discovering that he stole his money] You made one mistake, Mr. Potter. You double-crossed me and you left me alive.

Bing: Wait a second, someone's at the door...
[goes over to the door to open it]
Bing: Oh, it's my way-out son, David Crosby.
David: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.
Bing: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

Judge: Excuse me, are you a relative of the Plaintiff?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am her mother.
Judge: And what is your occupation?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am a barfly.
Judge: And, by that, you mean you loiter in bars waiting for men you don't know to buy you drinks?
Mrs. Braithwaite: That is correct, your Honor.

E. Buzz Miller: This is E. Buzz Miller saying so long, folks. And remember: it's important to stay in shape, especially you broads.

Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."
Abraham: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[plops into his seat]
Abraham: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.
Abraham: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!
Mary: Abraham, please, the play!
Abraham: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...
Theatre: Yeah, well, some of US haven't!
Abraham: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!
Abraham: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.
Abraham: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!
[sits back down]
Abraham: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.
Theatre: Hey, quiet down, will ya?
Abraham: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal!
[knocks drink and popcorn off balcony]
Abraham: Whoa!
Theatre: Watch it!
Abraham: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!
General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.
Abraham: Oh, yeah?
[looks through opera glasses]
Abraham: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!
[stands up and waves toward stage]
Abraham: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?
Theatre: [Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh?
Abraham: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?
Theatre: I may, suh!
Abraham: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?
Theatre: I warned you, suh!
Abraham: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?
Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".

Dieter: Welcome to Love Werks. Lets meet our bachelor. He's a printer from Dresden. His hobbies include appraising antiques and then smashing them. His favorite soccer team is Borussia Mönchengladbach. His body is free from tattoos and he hates his father. Please welcome: Wolfie Schreiber.

Franz: You'd better not be pulling my rock-hard leg.

Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.

Dale: Maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer, but... but we still haven't figured out who shot me.
Leo: I did! Jeez, you saw me!

Ross: Well, let me say something to you, ma'am, a billy-goat's not a coyote and pen is not a number two pencil.

Sandy: [quietly] This copy machine is Richard's whole life. If they take it away, it'll kill him.
Steve: I know. I have noone to talk to him...
The: [loud] Stevester and the Sandita, sharing a secret...

Mr. President: Yeah, so what is dis I hear about Martians?
Da: Well, dey have landed, Mr. President, we've seen dem.
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns and stuff like dat. I think they mean to take over da woild!

Shelley: Well, it can get pretty salty backstage at the debates.
Kirk: So that's why they call them Bloopers and Bleeps! Heh.
Shelley: Aaah, can we say 'bleep' anymore on TV, Kirk?
Kirk: Oh, yes.

Girl: She wasn't even that attractive, but still outta my reach. A sad comment on my life...
Girl: Yours and mine both. The Good Lord gave me this body and there ain't no changing it now.
Girl: Amen.
Girl: Yeah, this old head's just way outta proportion for this body.
Girl: And these eyebrows come together in the most unappealing way.

Tom: 'Look up Nice in the latest edition of Webster's Dictionary, you'll find a new definition: Tom Hanks.' No, you won't! I've looked it up, it's not there!

Penny: Once, I had a baby chick... it died. Last summer, I caught a frog... died. And then I had a hamster... died. Goldfish... died. Turtle... died.
Mr. Death: So I hate small animals! You can't blame me for that.

Weekend: Oh, Jane, by the way, you left these earrings in my apartment.
[hands her the earrings]
Weekend: Oh.
Weekend: Under the pillow. Laraine found them.

DJ: Yeah... do your big speakers keep getting you evicted? Then why not visit Stairway to Headphones? Stairway To Headphones deals only in quality headphones, and motorcycle and football helmets, all wired for sound.

Weekend: A 22,000 pound steel sculpture entitled "Hammering Man" was twisted and bent when it felt atop, eh, fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into the Seattle Art Museum this week. The sculpture will now be entitled "Twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it Man."

Princess: Oh no, no, Koko. You misunderstand me. I'm very much able to smile, it's just that I never enjoyed anything enough to conjure one up.

Godfrey: [Master Thespian is unable to perform a single line] What are you, senile?
Master: Of course not, I haven't even seen Africa!