Top 30 Quotes From Various

Uncle: Well look at this carpet, I just vacuumed it. Jeez, you 75 kids with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson, why couldn't you keep your hands outta your pants?

Wayne: [Wayne's Top Ten Babes Of All Time] Number nine: Elle MacPherson. She's a MacBabe.
Garth: She's a MacFox.
Wayne: MacSchwing!

Hans: You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work and we think you are you are one of the greatest non-Arnold actors working today.
Franz: Ja.
Patrick: Wow, wow, thank you. That's really nice to hear.
Franz: Ja, and then we understand your film was the highest grossing movie of the year.
Patrick: Yep.
Franz: Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.

Wayne: [Wayne and Garth are holding "Chick Court"] I object!
Garth: On what grounds?
Wayne: On the grounds I always wanted to do that.
Garth: Sustained!
Wayne: Excellent.
[they high five each other]
Garth: Excellent.

Mr. President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin' out da ol' ying-yang!
Da: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da funkin' saucers out of da funkin' sky!

Joey: Why, I oughta pound you!
Chick: [grabs Joey's gun and slaps him across the face] Send this guy for a walk, Eddie, or I'll kick his can so far up into his braincase he'll have to take off his hat to shine his shoes.
Joey: Why, I oughta pound you!

Man: Are you serious?
Ross: Serious as a bedbug in a whore house.

President: But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin' yet, wouldn't be prudent.

George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.

Johnny: I'm sorry, there I go again, but what the hell, I'm sorry, I just don't see, eh... I don't see people tuning in for Jay Leno.
Ed: No, sir.
Johnny: I mean, eh, he's got that... sort of a weird face, kind of unattractive.
Ed: Lantern Jawed freak, yes.
Johnny: I mean eh, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn't it?
Ed: Dick Tracy villain, yes.
Johnny: That's right.

Church: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.

Dieter: That poem pulls down my pants and taunts me.
Jimmy: Eh, well, that's exactly what it's supposed to do.

George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...

President: People say the economy has problems. Try telling that to that... guy out there, in Oregon, who's working on that thing, doing it, going round and round with that whole area out there.

Ross: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.

Tanny: Hey Tony, would you mind if, if, eh, Svetlana and I use the ladies room?
Tony: Oh, no, no, be, be my guest, but, but you're gonna need a key, though...
Tanny: Oh, okay...
Ivan: Here, here, why don't you use mine.
Tanny: Oh! Oh...
Ivan: Alright, let me see now.
[holds up a bunch of keys and goes through them one by one]
Ivan: Okay, wait a minute, this is the decoding room... you go past that...
Tanny: Hm-hm.
Ivan: This is the shredding room...
Tanny: Okay, aha...
Ivan: Okay, this is Classified Documents... Okay... Winebago... Okay... Alright, here you go, ladies room.

Don: Now, before we get started, I was at the zoo today, and I noticed something. Maybe you've noticed this too. They always put the snack bar right next to the monkey house. It's true. And you know why, don't you? It's because you go in there, you see those monkeys and you get hungry. You walk outside, and there's the snack bar. Pretty smart I guess, huh?

Pirate: Did you hear about Blackbeard's mockingbird?
Pirate: No, what?
Pirate: He killed it.
Pirate: Boy, you could've predicted that.
Pirate: Yeah.

Cindy: Okay... what if we call ourselves... the Super Winners!
Teacher: Now see, that's really dumb.
Cindy: That was my moms idea...
Male: Allright, allright, lets compromise: the Flaming Eagles!
Female: No!
Cindy: The Sculptors!
Female: What about the Covergirls?
Craig: Doors?
Male: The Flaming Mafia!
Cindy: Oh, what is that... the Titanics!
Craig: No, the Rambo's!
Female: I don't see what's wrong with the Capybaras, you guys!
Male: The Snipers!

Doctor: Now, if you take my advice, you both get in your car and drive away from this sketch just as fast as possible.
Young: But, what about, eh... what about you?
Young: [quietly] Doctor, what about...
Doctor: Oh, Ill be fine, I'm in another sketch over there and it's much, much better than this one.

President: None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander-in-chief I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full-scale orgy of death there in the desert sands. Probably won't, but then again, I might. Now if we do go to war, I can assure you it will not be another Vietnam. Because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam: Stay out of Vietnam.

Donnie: I'm walkin', I'm talkin'...
Donnie: Macaulay Culkin!

George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Pop-Tart?

Weekend: Have you spoken to Andy Ridgeley lately?
George: What about my butt? Look at it! You can't take your eyes off it, can you? It's hypnotic. Try to look away, you can't look away!

Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh.
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dennis: Dashing through the snow...
Dana: In a one-horse open sleigh...
Tom: Over the fields we go...
Dana: ...laughing all the way... Ha-haaa!
Dennis: Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana: Hey, what the hell'is a bobtail, Cha-Cha?
Tom: Don't be a big pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song, ho!
Dana: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! *babe*!
[two of the Dennis Millers start cackling]
Dennis: Enough! Enough! Enough!
Dana: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh... Guess what folks, that's the news and we are outta here!

Ross: Well, let me say something to you, ma'am, a billy-goat's not a coyote and pen is not a number two pencil.

Casey: Sorry, I'm about as gay as Clark Gable and John Wayne combined.
Harvey: Oooooh, what a lovely combination!
Casey: Harvey, let me tell you something: I'm one hundred per cent man, I'm all male. When I walk down the street, I give a scent. And women smell it. And they get excited.

Alex: [a clip from the cop show "Smart Street"] Get out of my sight, Lopez, or so help me, I'll kick your rear end up and down this freaking block!
Lopez: Hey man, I don't give a flying damn what you say, it's a bunch of flippin' B.S.!
Alex: Listen, you son of a gun, you know what you are? You're nothing but a little piece of bullcrud. You know what bullcrud is, don't ya? That's what you find in a field after a bull's been there. Now I'm going off to the W.C and when I get back, I want your rump outta here!
Donna: [cut back to the host of "Movers and Shakers"] Wow!
Allen: Now, the network wanted me to take out 'bullcrud' and have Cuchek say 'baloney'. Now, I can't have Alex Cuchek, a streetwize cop, saying 'baloney'. The language of the street is 'bulcrud'.
Donna: Certainly... certainly the streets I know.

Doctor: I'm afraid we have some bad news.
Young: What! What is it?
Doctor: Well, we just can't come up with an ending for this sketch.
Young: Oh...
Doctor: We can't keep going on and on with these lame jokes and the whole premise was pretty flimsy to begin with.

Franz: Hans, would you ever go up in a rocketship to Mars?
Hans: No, Franz, because then I would be weightless, and that is my worst nightmare.