The Best Earl McGraw Quotes

Edgar: Did any of them survive?
Earl: Shit. Two tons of metal, 200 miles an hour, flesh and bone and plain old Newton... they all princess died.

Earl: Good gravy, Marie.
Edgar: What'd I tell you, Pop? It's like a goddamn Nicaraguan death squad.
Earl: You'd better shit-can that blasphemy, boy. You're in a house of worship.

Earl: Son number one?
Edgar: Yeah?
Earl: This tall drink of cocksucker ain't dead.

Earl: [regarding Stuntman Mike's impunity] I'm gonna' tell you like The LORD told John: If he ever does it again, I can be goddamn sure he don't ever do it again in Texas.
[superfast cut to title card reading, "Lebanon... Tennessee... 14 Months Later" - title card cuts to Stuntman Mike, alive and well, driving a black 1969 Charger; "death-proofed," no doubt]

Earl: Who's the bride?
Edgar: Don't know. The name on the marriage certificate is "Arlene Machiavelli." That's a fake. We've all just been calling her "The Bride" on account of the dress.
Earl: You can tell she was pregnant. Man'd have to be a mad dog to shoot a goddamn good-looking gal like that in the head. Look at her. Hay-colored hair, big eyes. She's a little blood-spattered angel.

Earl: Well, this is definitely the work of professionals. I'd guess-timate Mexican Mafia hit squad. Four, maybe five strong.
Edgar: How can you tell?
Earl: Well, a sure and steady hand did this. This ain't no squirrelly amateur. This is the work of a salty dog. You can tell by the cleanliness of the carnage. Now a kill-crazy rampage though it may be, all the colors are kept within the lines. If you was a moron, you could almost admire it.

Earl: Well, give me the gory details, Son Number One.
Edgar: It's a goddamn massacre, Pop. They wiped out the whole wedding party, execution-style.
Earl: Give me a figure.
Edgar: Nine dead bodies. And we're talking the whole she-bang: bride, groom, reverend, reverend's wife... hell, they even shot that old colored fella that plays the organ.
Earl: It would appear someone objected to this union and wasn't able to hold their peace.