Top 50 Quotes From Grindhouse

Announcer: [first lines, voiceover] They called him Machete.
Machete: [voiceover] Seventy dollars a day for yard work. Hundred for roofing.
The: [car with The Boss pulls up] Get in.
Machete: [cut to Machete in car with The Boss] One-twenty-five for septic... sewage.
The: Have you ever killed anyone before?

Zoe: I'll be your slave. I'll do anything you want... I'll even crack your back.
Kim: You'll do that anyways.
Zoe: Yes, but this time, you won't even have to ask, you can just say "Bitch, do it" and I'll do it.

Lee: You carry a gun?
Kim: Uh-Huh.
Lee: Do you have a license to carry it?
Kim: Yeah, when I became a secret service agent, they gave me a license.
Lee: Oh, I didn't know you were... Ok. I didn't say it. Stop looking at me. I didn't say it. God! Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Abernathy: Yes. Yeah. Do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes.
Kim: I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but in the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
Abernathy: You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns, tend to get shot more than people who don't.
Kim: And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped!
Lee: Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Kim: Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.
Abernathy: There are other things you can carry other then a gun. Pepper spray.
Kim: Uh, muthafucka tryin to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash. I wanna shot that nigga down!
Abernathy: How about a knife at least.
Kim: Yeah, you know what happens to muthafuckas who carry knives. They get shot! Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun. I'll hire me a dude dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's wild west muthafucka!

Abernathy: I was wondering if my friends and I could take the car out on our own just to see if we feel comfortable in it.
Jasper: Why would I do something stupid like that?
Abernathy: To better sell your automobile.
Jasper: How do I know you're not just gonna steal it?
Abernathy: Four reasons. One: we are not thieves. Two: that would be rude. Three: we are staying at the Day's Inn in town, you can check with them, we are registered for the next month. Well, Zoe's not, but Kim and I are so we are totally track-downable.
Jasper: Who's Kim? The colored girl?
Abernathy: Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And four, and most importantly, that will give you a chance to get to know our other friend, Lee.
[points out Lee]
Jasper: She looks kinda familiar
Abernathy: That is because she is a famous movie star. We are making a Hollywood movie here in town
Jasper: Why's she dressed like that?
Abernathy: Because it's a cheerleader movie and she's one of the cheerleaders.
Jasper: What's a cheerleader movie?
Abernathy: A movie about cheerleaders.
Jasper: Is it a porno?
Abernathy: [looks at Jasper] *Yes*! But don't mention it. She's shy.

Announcer: If you're going to hire Machete to kill the bad guy, you'd better make damn sure the bad guy isn't you!

Kim: Now, what did you say after the last time?
Zoe: Look, I know what I said...
Kim: What did you say?
Zoe: I know I said we shouldn't do this again...
Kim: No! You didn't say we shouldn't, you said we ain't ever gonna do that again.
Zoe: Yeah, but...
Kim: But, my ass! You said not only are we never gonna play "ships mast" again, but you also said that if you ever do what you're trying to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that?
Zoe: What...!
Kim: No, no, no, no! Answer the question, motherfucker! Did you or did you not say that?
Zoe: Yes, I said that. However...
Kim: Whatever witch your however.

[from Machete trailer]
Priest: I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you KILL these men?
Machete: Yes, bro... I mean Padre.
Priest: I'll see what I can do.
[pumps shotguns]

[Machete trailer]
Announcer: [voiceover] But they soon realize...
The: He's coming after *us*!
[cut to Machete opening his jacket to reveal an arsenal of machetes]
Announcer: They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!

Dr. Dakota Block: [looking at the glove compartment] I want you to open that for mommy. Can you?
[he opens it, and there is a gun sitting inside]
Dr. Dakota Block: Take the gun.
[He takes it]
Dr. Dakota Block: Careful! That's it. And if anyone comes to the door that isn't me, I want you to shoot them. Okay? I'm not kidding Tony, you shoot them in the head.
Tony: What if it's dad?
Dr. Dakota Block: ESPECIALLY if it's your dad.

The: [Tasting the blood from the decapitated turkey mascot] It's blood.
The: [pause] Son of a bitch!

Kim: Actually, we're paying you a compliment cause we're gonna do some stupid shit, but that's ok, cause we're stunt people, we ain't got good sense, but you've got good sense, and anybody with good sense ain't gonna wanna do what we're doin'.

Lt. Muldoon: Where are my men?
Abby: [throws a bag to Lt. Muldoon] I put several right here.
Lt. Muldoon: What the fuck is this?
Abby: Their balls, sweetheart.

Zoe: [jumps up after being thrown from the hood of the car] I'm ok!

Earl: [about Doc Block] Never did like that son of a bitch. About as useless as a pecker on a pope.

Wray: So what are you going to do now?
Cherry: I'm going to be a stand-up comedian.
Wray: You're not funny
Cherry: That's what I keep trying to tell everybody but they all say I'm hilarious
Wray: But you're not
Cherry: There's a difference between being frank... and being dick.

[Abby is being held down around some severed testicles]
Lt. Muldoon: Looks like I got you by the balls, Abby.
Abby: You certainly have.

Sheriff: Where the hell are you going?
Wray: I'm going to get Cherry.
Sheriff: Fine, but we're taking my car.
[his car explodes]
Sheriff: [looking back at Wray] I'm riding with you.

Wray: Did you find what was in the pocket?
Cherry: Fuck no.
Wray: Look for it.
Cherry: [searches through one pocket]
Wray: No, the other one.
Cherry: [searches through the other pocket and takes out a box with a ring inside it]
Wray: I was gonna give it to you, but you left me. 'Cuz you took the jacket...
Cherry,121456: ...and I looked for it for two weeks.
Wray: Read it.
Cherry: Two against the world.
Wray: Remember that?
Cherry: I never forgot it.

[repeated line]
Cherry: I was going to be a stand-up comedian.

Sheriff: Don't shoot yourself. Don't shoot each other. And especially... don't shoot me.

Stuntman Mike: The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep.

Announcer: [from Segment "Don't] If you... are thinking... of going... into... this house... DON'T!

Trailer: Don't.

[repeated line]
J.T.: Best in Texas.

Cherry: It's go go, not cry cry.

Stuntman Mike: Do I frighten you?
[Arlene nods]
Stuntman Mike: Is it my scar?
Arlene: It's your car.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. It's my mom's car.

Cherry: Look, you were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold, I took your fucking jacket. So, if you're go on one of your psycho, obsessive, controlling rants about a fucking jacket, then fucking take it 'cuz I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time.

Kim: Oh you know I can't let you go...
Abernathy: Kim?
Kim: Not without tappin' that ass...
Zoe: Umm Kim?
Kim: One... More... TIME!

Trailer: [from segment Werewolf Women of the SS] Featuring Udo Kier, Sheri Moon Zombie, Tom Towles, Sybil Danning, Bill Moseley, and Nicolas Cage
[pause]
Trailer: as
[pause]
Trailer: Fu Manchu!
Fu: THIS IS MY MECCA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!

Stuntman Mike: Well Pam, which way you goin' left or right?
Pam: Right.
Stuntman Mike: Aww, that's too bad.
Pam: Why?
Stuntman Mike: Well, because there was a fifty-fifty shot on whether you'd be going left. You see, we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left too and if that was the case, it would have been awhile before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... immediately!

Pam: [Stuck in Stuntman Mike's car] If you just stop right now, you know, and, and let me out, I'll never tell anybody...
Stuntman Mike: Hey, Pam, remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is a hundred percent death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey, you REALLY need to be sitting in my seat.
[slams his foot onto the brake and sends Pam flying face-first into his dashboard]

Pam: Take a picture, it lasts longer.
Stuntman Mike: What?
Pam: That table. Seems to keep them getting your attention.
Stuntman Mike: Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Pam: Yup.
Stuntman Mike: She sure is a striking looking woman. Look at that hair.
Pam: Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Stuntman Mike: Is that jealousy I detect?
Pam: Hardly. But if you wanna get with Jungle Julia, there's a real easy way to do that.
Stuntman Mike: Yeah? And what would that be?
Pam: Get famous. You won't have to find her, she'll find you. And you don't even wanna know what she did for that billboard. Enjoy it cocksucker, you've earned it.
Stuntman Mike: What did she ever do to you?
Pam: We went to school together, from kindergarten to high school, that's what she did to me. She was her height right now at twelve. She was a monster! Half the guy she still fucks from the old class she used to beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.
Stuntman Mike: And I see she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk.
Pam: That pituitary case might've kicked my ass a couple of times... Sorry, I'm built like a girl and not a black man, but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

Sheriff: Give him the gun. Give him all the guns.

Henchman: Please, Father. Have mercy.
Priest: God has mercy. I don't.

[Machete: Machete sharpens a machete]
Announcer: [voiceover] He knows the score...
[cut to The Boss picking up a phone]
The: Where are my wife and daughter?
[cut to Machete in a pool with The Boss's wife and daughter]
Announcer: [voiceover] He gets the women!

[repeated line]
Wray: I never miss.

[Kim and Zoe are convincing Abernathy to convince Jasper to take his 1970 Dodge Challenger for a test drive]
Zoe: What are you going to do? Blow him?
Abernathy: [repulsed] No!
Abernathy: [pause] I'm going to insinuate that Lee is.

Arlene: Who do you want to hear?
Jungle: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who?
Jungle: Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
Arlene: Who the fuck are they?
Jungle: For your information, Pete Townsend, at one point, almost quit The Who. And if he had, he would have ended up in this group, thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have.
[flips on the radio to hear "Hold Tight" by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich]
Jungle: That's my boy!

Cherry: You a doctor?
Dr. Dakota Block: Hm. I was earlier tonight.
Cherry: I always wanted to be a doctor, instead, I can do this. Useless talent number 66. I'm very pliable.
Dr. Dakota Block: You know my girlfriend had a theory, she said that you find a use for every useless talent you ever had.
Cherry: I'm not that optimistic. I feel like I'm stuck a drain and I can't get out.
Dr. Dakota Block: [Interrupts Cherry] She'd say, "when you're stuck in that spiral, just reach up".
Cherry: What if there's nothing up there?
Dr. Dakota Block: Just reach up.
The: [Comes in] You're a dancer.
Cherry: I was earlier tonight.
The: Well I'm pulling you out of retirement!

Pam: Hey Warren, is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: [tosses keys across table in front of Pam] Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
Pam: You've been eavesdropping?
Stuntman Mike: [chuckles] Eavesdropping and can't help but hear, I think I belong in the latter category.
Pam: So, uh, "icy hot", you're offering me a ride home?
Stuntman Mike: I'm offerin' you a lift, if, when I'm ready to leave, you are too.
Pam: And when are you thinking about leaving?
Stuntman Mike: Truthfully, I'm not thinkin' about it. But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Pam: Will you be able to drive later?
Stuntman Mike: I know looks can be deceiving, but I'm a teetotaler. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night, and now I'm buildin up to my big drink.
Pam: Which is what?
Stuntman Mike: Virgin Pina Colada.
Pam: [pause] Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar, drinking water?
Stuntman Mike: You know, a bar offers all kinds of things other than alcohol.
Pam: Hmm, really. Like what?
Stuntman Mike: [pause] Women. Nacho Grande platters. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.
Pam: Fair enough. So what's your name, icy?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: [pause] "Stuntman Mike's" your name?
Stuntman Mike: You can ask anybody.
Pam: Hey Warren, who is this guy?
Warren: Stuntman Mike.
Pam: And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
Warren: He's a stuntman.

Abby: You killed Bin Laden?
Lt. Muldoon: I put two in his heart, one in his computer.
Wray: So that was you.

[as Wray is dying]
Cherry: [crying] No... you can't go. Two against the world, remember?
Wray: There will be, I promise
Wray: [touching her stomach] I never miss.

Dr. Dakota Block: I want you to to take this gun, and if anyone comes to the door who's not me, I want you to shoot them. Shoot them in the head - just like in your video games.

'Thanksgiving': White meat, dark meat. All will be carved. THANKSGIVING.

[from segment 'Thanksgiving']
Trailer: You'll come home for the holidays... in a body bag.

Stuntman Mike: How do you think they accomplish that?
Pam: CGI?
Stuntman Mike: Well, nowadays unfortunately you're right more often than not. But back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days, they had real cars crashing into real cars and real dumb people driving em.

Stuntman Mike: You know how people say, YOU'RE OKAY IN MY BOOK, or AND IN MY BOOK THAT'S NO GOOD. Well, I actually have... a book. And everybody I ever met goes in this book. And now I've met you, and... YOU'RE GOING IN THE BOOK TOO. Unfortunately, now I'm gonna have to file you under chicken... shit.

J.T.: Hey, hey. You want some barbeque? Best in Texas.
Cherry: Oh, no thanks.
J.T.: What's the matter? You don't eat meat?
Cherry: Oh, I eat meat. I also eat lots of shit.
Cherry: [grins] See that?
J.T.: What's that?
Cherry: Shit-eating grin.
J.T.: [laughs] You ought to be a comedian.
Cherry: What do you think of the leg?
J.T.: [laughs] Sure is funny.

The: I've seen me a lot of weird shit in my day, but I ain't never seen a one-legged stripper. I seen me a stripper with one breast. And I seen me a stripper with twelve toes. I've even seen me a stripper with no brains at all, but I ain't never seen a one-legged stripper. And I've been to Morocco.

Pam: So how exactly does one become a stuntman?
Stuntman Mike: Well, in Hollywood, anyone fool enough to throw themselves down a flight of stairs can usually find someone to pay them for it. But really, I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
Pam: How's that?
Stuntman Mike: My brother got me in it.
Pam: Who's your brother?
Stuntman Mike: Stuntman Bob.