50 Best Kevin Hart Quotes

Snowball: Who are we? *Who* are *we*? We are the Flushed Pets. Thrown away by our owners and now we are out for revenge! It's like a club, but with biting and scratching.

Ruby: [as Bravestone places the Jaguar's Eye onto the statue] JUMANJI!

Professor: [after training Ruby Roundhouse to be alluring] You guys, I think this is gonna work.
Seaplane: I think so too. She's pretty fly and those guys, don't meet alot of new people.
Moose: Fly?
Seaplane: Well not like, Cindy Crawford fly. But for Jumanji, she da bomb.
Professor: DA BOMB?
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Cindy Crawford?
Moose: That's your go to?
Seaplane: I'm just saying, I'm sure to they'd like to get jiggy with her.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Alex, what year do you think it is?
Seaplane: What do you mean?
Moose: Oh no.
Seaplane: It's 1996
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: You're Alex Vreek, aren't you.
Seaplane: Yeah, that's right.
Moose: Wait a minute, you mean the Freak house?
Seaplane: Wait, what are you... what are you guys talking about? How do you know me?
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Alex, I don't exactly know how to tell you this...
Moose: [interrupts] YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS GAME FOR 20 YEAR!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: That's probably not how I would have done it.
Seaplane: What? No, you guys are messing with me, right?
Professor: No we're not, Alex Vreek, everybody in Brantford knows about you. You're the kid that disappeared, 20 years ago.
Seaplane: 20 years?
Moose: 20 years man, I don't even know how to say this but, Ciny Crawford, dude she's like 50 years old.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: But still fly.
Moose: Meh.

[last lines]
Calvin: Bob, is that my jacket? I can't...
Bob: Yes!
Calvin: No, wait a minute.
Bob: Yes!
Calvin: Oh, my God! Dude, where'd you get this from?
Bob: Well, I sleep in it most nights, but it's clean now, totally good. Yeah!
Calvin: Man! You are the man! Yes!
Bob: Family hug! What?
Calvin: Ooh. Okay.
Bob: All right, let's go!
Calvin: Okay. All right.

Calvin: I'm sorry man, I am blown away right now; you used to be fat Robbie. It's like a total transformation, you're like Hercules or somebody. Whadja do? come on, give it to me, whadja do?
Bob: I didn't do much really.
Calvin: Stop it!
Bob: All right, well, I just did one thing.
Calvin: Come on, I need to know.
Bob: I worked out 6 hours a day, every day, for the last 20 years straight. I mean, anybody can do it, right?

Professor: [Bethany as Prof. Shelly Oberon is about to pee as a male for the first time] So how do we do this?
Moose: Easy. You just - you unzip, take it out, fire away.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Remember to aim. It's very important.
Professor: [Gasping] Oh my God, you guys, there's like literally a penis attached to my body right now. Martha, come look at my penis!
Ruby: No, thanks!
Moose: Is this the first that you've seen it?
Professor: Yes, I didn't wanna look.
Moose: I looked at mine within the first 20 seconds of getting here. I'm happy to report that I was able to bring one thing from the outside world.
Professor: [Bethany tried to take a peek at Finbar' peeing]
Moose: What? Are you...? What are you doing? Are you looking?
Professor: Sorry.
Moose: You don't look over here!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Yeah, you never look. It's a thing.
Professor: [Unzipping his pants] Okay, good boy. We're gonna take this nice and slow, and nobody's gonna get hurt. Now what?
Moose: Now blast off!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: And aim, don't forget to aim.
Moose: What is with you and aiming? What happened to you?
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Can we not talk about this in mixed company?
Professor: [Peeing] Wow, wow, WOW! Oh, this is so much easier!
Moose: [Chuckles] It's cool, right?
Professor: Yeah, because you have, like, a handle. The fact that I'm not Instagramming this right now is insane.

Bob: No, you're just sexy as dick right now.
Calvin: You don't look somebody in the eyes and say that.

Ruby: [after watching Bravestone was able to display his list of strengths and weaknesses] How'd you do that? That - that list?
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Well, I just - I think I just pressed my... my enormous left pec.
Moose: [Approaching Ruby] It's like the boob area. Let me show you...
[extending his hand to touch Ruby's chest]
Ruby: [Slapping away Finbar's hand] Get the hell away from me!

Snowball: I feel heroic! And handsome! I'm a little wet, but I still look good. I look good.

Moose: [after taking a bite of a cake] Wait, what - what is this?
Bread: That's my famous pound cake.
Ruby: Cake? Isn't that your weakness?
Moose: Bethany, you said this was bread!
Professor: I guess it's been so long, I forget how it tastes like...
Moose: How do you forget what...
[looking at Ruby Roundhouse]
Moose: What is happening? Something happens to me?
Ruby: No.
Moose: Am I... am I shaking?
Ruby: No.
Moose: Am I breaking out?
Ruby: No.
Moose: Am I still black?
Ruby: Yes.
Moose: Okay. Okay, right? We're fine. Everything is fine. Yeah... no, no, no, it's okay. It probably just meant that I love cake that I couldn't resist it. Hey, it's all good...
[Finbar suddenly explodes in a burst of flame]

Moose: [when he sees all his weaknesses] I hate this game.

[Dr Bravestone retrieves the Jaguar's Eye from a herd of angry rhinos, by sacrificing Moose]
Moose: You do NOT want to know what's under those rhinos! I saw things I can never unsee, things that touched me!

George: Your problem isn't that people laugh at you. Your problem is that you can't laugh at yourself.
Professor: Oh, really, Oprah? Is that my problem?

[Professor Oberon gets eaten by a hippo]
Moose: You better go in there and save her!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: I'm not gonna get in there, you get in there!
Moose: I got a backpack on! You don't get in water with a backpack, everybody knows that.

Trevor: Once a fat kid, always a fat kid. Huh? Prove me wrong.
Calvin: Bob, come on. Do what you did in the bar.
[Bob sees his reflection as he was in high school]

Tom: Ever since the divorce it's like my life has no purpose. Half the time, I walk around feeling like a zombie!
C. J.: Yo, don't joke about zombies. That shit there - that's real.
Mahalik: Yo, you know Nashawn, down on 120th Street?
C. J.: Yeah.
Mahalik: She told me that she heard a zombie going through her trash the other day. The next morning, she turned up missing.
Tom: Uh...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts] What? Okay, back up. How in the hell do you "turn up missing"?
Mahalik: 'Cause nobody knows where you are when they realize you ain't there!
Tom: Guys, I'm trying to ask...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts again] So you telling me that you can appear and disappear at the same time.
Mahalik: No, man. You can't appear and disappear at the same time. The bitch ain't David Copperfield!
Tom: Uh, guys...
C. J.: [C.J. interrupts yet again] Mmm. No, no. But you can't be gone from one place and show up somewhere else entirely. So when you turn up, you're never missing. And when you're missing, you never turn up.
Mahalik: Unless... you a zombie.
C. J.: Damn! Hey, that's some plausible shit right there. You should blog about that.
Mahalik: I'm gonna put that on MySpace.
C. J.: You do that!

Teddy: [about his minute photos] What's that, for your little serial killer wall?
The: You think you'd make the wall? Come on, man. You're barely fridge material.

Harold: Is it okay that I'm kinda loving this?
George: Yes and no. But mostly yes.

Calvin: [gets handed iPad by a CIA agent] Um, this is PornHub.

[Bethany saves Alex, he hugs her]
Moose: Uh... you have a situation.
Professor: [sees he has an erection] Oh my God! These things are crazy!

Snowball: Welcome my dogs! Oh, you guys look weird. Hurry up, come on in.
Buddy: You said it was a costume party!
Mel: Why do you listen to me?

[Calvin attempts a flip and falls flat on his face]
Phil: What the hell was that?
Calvin: Golden Jet flip.
Phil: Yeah? Well, you really suck at it.
Calvin: I know.
Phil: Then why'd you do it?
Calvin: Distraction.
[Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]

Snowball: I feel heroic! And handsome! I'm a little wet, but I still look good...

George: [Regarding the automatic door in Mr. Krupp's office] Wow! That is an expensive door.
Mr. Krupp: I had to cancel the arts and music program. I think I made the right choice.

Mr. Krupp: This mornings school-sign is supposed to read "Sewage plant field trips are today", so can either of you explain why it now reads...
[pulls down curtain]
Mr. Krupp: "COME SEE MY HAIRY ARMPITS"? I know you two are responsible!
George: How, how do you know, do you have any proof?
Mr. Krupp: Ever since you've attended this elementary school you've been responsible for one prank after another.
[montage of pranks plays]
George: ...Wow, that's a lot of pranks.
Harold: When it's cut together like that, you really get a sense of the scope.
George: Some of those must have been really hard to pull off.
Harold: Like that tiger!
George: Yeah, that tiger was crazy.
Mr. Krupp: [screaming] Aaaaaahh!

Calvin: Let's go.
Bob: Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.
Thugged: Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other off in the parking lot?
Calvin: That's, that's a lot...
Bob: Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.

Maggie: Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.
Calvin: What do, what do you mean, "Someone"? What do you mean?
Maggie: See someone, like a, like a therapist.
Calvin: Uh, Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

Snowball: The revolution has begun! Liberated forever! Domesticated never!

Calvin: He got a banana!

Professor: That was so intense... i like cant even with this place.
Moose: What just happened?
Professor: I got eaten by a rhino and then fell like a thousand feet from the sky.

Harold: Separate classes lead to separate lives, which inevitably leads to robots.
George: Wait, what? Why are there robots at the mall?
Harold: Cuz it's the future. The future always has robots.
George: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are the robots shooting other robots? Aren't they supposed to be friends?
Harold: I don't know! I'm the artist, you're the writer! That's why we need each other!

Snowball: [seeing Max on Duke on a ferry] They're going to Brooklyn.
Tattoo: They say everyone's going to Brooklyn these days. It's making a real comeback.
Snowball: I'm not talking about hipster real estate trends. I'm talking vengeance, Tattoo!

[first lines]
George: DreamWorks Animation presents. In association with Treehouse Comics!

Moose: So sick of this game. Just stay out of my way Spencer!
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: What are you mad at me for?
Moose: Why am I mad? Are you seriously asking me that? You got me kicked off the team and you got me stuck in whatever this is. And you wonder why we're not friends no more.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Oh, this is why we're not friends anymore? Because you didn't want to get stuck in Jumanji? i don't think so. We're not friends because I'm not cool enough to hang out with you, so you pretend not to even know me anymore. Until you needed me to do your homework because you couldn't do it yourself. No wonder you don't know anything about Westward Expansion.
Moose: Okay, you see that? You know what? I'm not stupid, Spencer! i asked you to do me one simple favour. I said do my homework so I won't get kicked off the team, and you went and messed that up. Now I can't do the one thing i'm good at and it's all your fault. i should kick the shit out of you right now.
Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Like to see you try.

Bob: You ever steal a plane before?
Calvin: I stole some Starbursts one time.

Moose: [riding an elephant] ZOOLOGY, BITCH!

Snowball: [to snakes guarding the entrance] The new password is "Don't ask the leader for the password!"
[the snakes eyes turn green and they smile]

Smart: This shit just got real!
Jay: What are you gonna do, bitch?
Smart: I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
Jay: You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!
Smart: Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!
Andy: [walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?
Smart: [points at Jay] Is this your boy?
Jay: Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?
Andy: Hey, how can we help you, sir?
Jay: No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!
Smart: This your boy?
Jay: Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.
Smart: [points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back.
[pretends to shoot two guns at them]
Smart: Both ya'll niggas!
Andy: What? What did I do?
Smart: It don't fucking matter!
Jay: Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!

Calvin: Which car are we taking?
Bob: [chucks a grenade under an SUV] Not that one.
Calvin: [walking away quickly] Oh, my God... Oh, God.
[the grenade goes off]
Calvin: Oh shit!

Calvin: Hey, wait. Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was, like, fourteen, but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape.
Bob: Darla McGuckian.
Calvin: Darla McGuckian. "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?
Bob: Two of 'em.

Jill: There's something you're not telling me, isn't there? Something secret, something locked away. deep inside.
Rick: Well, there is...
[hears voices echoing in his head]
Aunt: Keep your identity a secret, Rick... Rick... Rick...
Trey: Dude, you're like a real superhero, man... man... man...
Uncle: Once a month you'll bleed from your vagina... vagina... vagina... vagina...

Snowball: [to Max] Can I call you "Tiny Dog"?

Snowball: Death is coming to Brooklyn. And it's got buck teeth and a cotton tail!

Moose: Get me the hell out of here!

Calvin: Are you familiar with Facebook?
Agent: We surveil it.
Calvin: He sent me a friend request. That, that, that's how this whole thing started.
Agent: And you accepted?
Calvin: Oh, stop. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Don't do that. You give me a second. Okay? Don't, don't, don't fire back like that. Fir-fir-first of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Sir, you cannot be in here. This is a private airfield.
Calvin: I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.
Jared the Airport Security Guard: Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.
Calvin: Well, I hate to break it to you, but this, this is not a, uh... This is not a heart.
Jared the Airport Security Guard: Oh, it's not a heart?
Calvin: No, it's not.
Jared the Airport Security Guard: Hmm. What is it then?
Calvin: It's a dick.
Jared the Airport Security Guard: Okay. I am made of questions right now.

Snowball: That raccoon is lying. He's not the president.

Trevor: [about Bob] Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.
Calvin: You know, you're still an asshole.
Trevor: Yeah, well, you're still shorter than my cat.

Max: Do you see the van?
Snowball: Yeah, I see it... We're about to hit it

Snowball: [after the Viper has been killed] You squished the Sacred Viper?
[Begins to weep]
Snowball: He's a flat-jack! Oh Viper! Viper you in a better place! You with Ricky! You ain't never did nothin' to nobody! Well, you bit a lot of people Viper, so technically, you might actually deserve this, this might be something that's long overdue. But... it shouldn't have came like this! Not on my watch!