The Best Sparrow Quotes

The: Good day, sir. Can I help you, sir?
Bruce: I hope so, Mr. Bird.
The: Mm-hmm.
Bruce: I'm looking for an artisan to repair this fine old umbrella. It belonged to my late father.
The: [inspecting it] Ah, it's quality goods. I can tell at a glance. Just let me study it for a moment, please.
Bruce: Oh, please, by all means.
The: Yes.
[as Bruce tries to plant an electronic bug, an alarm goes off]
The: [trapping him in a net] Well, it's fortunate that I equipped my shop with an automatic anti-bugging machine!
[he sprays knockout gas in Bruce's face]
Sparrow: Who is he, boss?
The: I have no idea. Some rival umbrella king, perhaps, trying to steal my precious secrets. It's a clear case of industrial espionage. Why, the wretched, blundering fool! This. Enh!
[smashing the bug]
The: But whoever he is, one thing is certain: I can't afford to have him snooping around here today, today of all days, when I'm about to deal Batman his greatest blow.
Hawkeye: The river, boss?
The: No, no. The furnace. The tempering furnace, where we forge the umbrella ribs. Take him away, my fine feathered finks, and arrange a fatal accident... without witnesses.

Sparrow: Maybe I'm dumb, Penguin, but I don't dig this caper.
The: Oh, it's very simple, my little gosling. I'm going to unleash the most bizarre, senseless barrage of umbrellas onto Gotham City. It'll be senseless to everybody but the Batman, whose keen mind will unquestionably piece together the clues to my crime.
Sparrow: But what crime? What the heck are you plannin'?
The: Nothing.
Sparrow: Nothing?
Hawkeye: Nothing? What do you mean "nothing"?
The: I am planning nothing. The Batman's going to do that for me. The Batman's not only going to pick my crime, he is going to provide me with a blueprint as to how I should pull it off.
Hawkeye: Penguin, are you sure you haven't gone stir-crazy?
The: Why, you birdbrain.
[conking him on the head with an umbrella rod]
The: How dare you mock me on the eve of my greatest triumph?
Sparrow: Do you really mean that Batman is gonna plan our caper?
The: Yes, my fine feathered finks. Mm, it's just a little plot that I hatched in prison. You wait and see. The Batman and the Penguin are going to be partners in plunder.