Top 300 Quotes From Batman

Commissioner: Umbrella's, the absolute sign. We're dealing with that waddling pirate of plunder, the Penguin himself. Or... do we deal with him?
Chief: [breathes a sigh of relief] You hid the nail right on the head, Commissioner, Oh, any ordinary crook the department can handle, but when it comes to the likes of the Penguin, why, there's only one being on Earth.

Batman: Now the hyenas are at the gate. Who knows what form they'll take?

The: Oh...
[laughs]
The: ... thank heavens for my delicious sense of humor.

King: Phase Two will now be put into being. Are there any questions?
The: I got one!
King: You may speak, Royal Scrivener.
The: Like, why? I mean, why put that hunk of rock in the park, and then tip off the suckers what we're gonna do?
King: You're a twit.

Commissioner: [on phone with Chief O'Hara] In the meantime, if it is the Joker that we're up against, that clown prince of crime, there's only one man who can handle this. I don't have to tell you who.

Scrubwoman: [to Batman & Robin] They told me to expect a new replacement. I just didn't know there'd be two of ya. Anyhow, you got here.
[hands her mop to Robin]
Scrubwoman: Glad you wore your old clothes. This job is a mess!

Crook: Jumpin' jeepers! A bulletproof umbrella!

Robin: Holy atomic pile, Batman!

Narrator: [narrating] Holy Backfire!

Batman: [to Mr. Freeze] Naturally you didn't know I was wearing my special super thermal B long underwear.

Batman: [Batman and Robin are all tied up] It's like being caught in a barrel of snakes!
The: Well, well, now I must say, this is an expected pleasure.
[laughs]

Robin: [shivering with cold] Sorry. Slipped on a Baked Alaska!
Batman: [rubbing Robin with both hands to warm him up] You tried! That's the true measure of a man. Whether you win or lose, you tried.

Robin: Holy iceberg! We can expect a crimewave.
Batman: No, Robin, a cold wave. Of terror.
Commissioner: How?
Chief: Where will he strike first?
Batman: That's for him to plot and us to guess.
Robin: We'll use our Anti-Crime-Computer in the Batcave

Batman: How could I have been so stupid?
Robin: All in all, Batman, you've been pretty busy.

Commissioner: Well miss, it seems we have apprehended you.
Blaze: You? Scarcely. Batman captured me. Only the nemesis of crime could have tripped up Blaze so deftly.

King: Nefertiti, you abandoned wench. How many times must I tell you? Queens consume nectar and ambrosia... not hot dogs.
Nefertiti: [holding a hot dog] So I get hungry... living on nothing but figs and dates and pomegranates.
[Offering him the hot dog]
Nefertiti: Want a bite?
King: [recoiling] Bah! Unclean!

Batman: You jolly devil!

Batman: Although the Bat-armor protected our car, those land mines blew our tires. Robin, turn on the automatic tire-repair device.

Robin: It'll be a cold day in August when we're scared of you, Riddler.

Robin: Holy fruit salad!

[Repeated line]
Batman: Quick! To the Batmobile!

Batman: Mr. Freeze!
Freeze: Ja?
Batman: How much do you want for Diamante's release?
Freeze: How much I want?
[laughs]
Freeze: Nothing! Not one single mark, I mean, uh, red cent! No money! None!
Batman: Then what?
Freeze: Simple! Very simple! I will trade even! One baseball pitcher for... one Batman!

Narrator: [narrating] Holy entanglement!

Narrator: Just before 9:00 on a bright, sunny morning in Gotham City. The city seems to be carefree and serene, doesn't it? But let's keep our eyes on these little rascals.
Hawkeye: All right, folks! Listen and hurry, hurry! Here are you, free umbrellas! Win yourself a prize! Win yourself a prize on the inside! These umbrellas are free! You can't win a prize without an umbrella!
Asst. Shop Owner: Strange, everyone carrying umbrellas. The weather report didn't mention rain.
Shop: Who cares, Jenkins? It looks like a smash. Open the doors.

Robin: [the Dynamic Duo is about to go down a chute] Can I go first? I wanna see their faces.
Batman: [Batman stops him] Dynamic seniority.
[Robin hits his own fist in diseppointment]

Batman: Chief O'Hara, we haven't one Big Benjamin second to lose!

Lydia: "Best laid plans of mice and men". I don't know where it's from, but I know it's true!

Batman: Another trap, of course.
Robin: You could say that again.
Batman: Another trap! And I intend to walk right into it.

Robin: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Batman: Roger. Ready to move out.

The: [stifling Finella's sneeze with his finger] Close your gills.

Alfred: You don't fancy, sir, that this famous desperado intends to stoop to the robbery of a lemonade stand?
Batman: You've hit it! It fits like my glove.

Catwoman: The early cat catches the bat-man.

The: At last I've found it! This will lead me right to the lost treasure of the Inca's. Every greedy bone in my bodies cries out: hazaa! Hazaaaaaaaaaa!

Robin: [after being shot with tranquilizer darts] Holy D'Artagnan!
Batman: You've made your point!

Robin: [about to climb a building] Gosh, if I could only figure out that riddle. Why can't I get it?
Batman: Maybe your mind is on that cute little teenager who waved at you on the way across town, eh?
Robin: [embarrassed] Oh, come on, Batman!

Robin: Holy Houdini!

Batman: Oh, better put five cents in the meter.
Robin: No policeman is going to give the Batmobile a ticket!
Batman: No matter, Robin - this money goes to our building better roads. We all must do our part. Good citizenship, you know.
Robin: Holy taxation! You're right again, Batman.

Freeze: Ah! Baked Alaska, my favorite desert. We will have with it, eh, some of this very special liquor. Chilled ever so slightly. Eh, ten seconds in my hands cools it properly. Eh, thirty seconds for champagne and one minute for Martini, nice and cold... ja.
Batman: None for me, thank you.
Freeze: Oh, I am sorry, I forgot you do not drink.

Catwoman: Well... you drive very well, Mr, uh...
Driver: Staphylococcus.
Catwoman: Eh?
Driver: Ralph Staphylococcus. My friend calls me Ralph.
Catwoman: Ralph, eh? Have you had this job long?
Driver: Four years next July 22nd, ma'am. I'm studying to be an accountant at night. Can't raise three kids on this salary.
Catwoman: Oh, you're married? Heh-heh. How nice... for you.

The: [watching as his henchmen melt a stolen wax figure of Batman] Oh, if only this were the real Batman.
[quoting Shakespeare]
The: Oh, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! That his too, too solid flesh would melt and resolve itself into a dew!
Moth: Oh, Riddler honey, that's beautiful!
The: I wrote it myself.

Batman: I know Octave Marbot. I'm sitting for a statue he's making of me.
Robin: Statue? Holy happenstance!
Batman: Yes, Warden Crichton requested it. To exhibit at Gotham State Prison. To help inspire the convicts in his rehabilitation programme.

Dick: [Bruce lays down the Bat-phone] What is it, Bruce?
Bruce: The Riddler.
Dick: Holy triple feature! Won't that crook ever learn?
Bruce: That's a good question.
[pushes the button hidden in the bust to reveal the Bat-poles]
Bruce: While we ponder it... To the Bat-poles.
[as they run towards the Bat-poles, they almost trip on each other's feet]
Bruce: Excuse me.

The: Now heed this: I'm gonna rob from the rich and give to the poor.
Batman: How unoriginal!

Bruce: I solemnly swear by my oath as a crimefighter that this outrage will not go unavenged!

Robin: Six of them, two of us, odds are in our favor!

[repeated line]
Batman: Precisely, Robin!

Batman: Catwoman's up there, and she's about to make off with a bundle if we let her.
Commissioner: But Batman, we still don't know what she's stealing.
Batman: Eight pieces of catgut.
Chief: How much could they be worth?
Batman: Plenty! They're attached to two Stradivarius violins. Each one is being sold today for a quarter of a million dollars.

Batman: Nothing's sacred to those devils.

Robin: Holy jitterbugs!

Aunt: It's time for your piano lesson, Dick.
Dick: [watching television with Bruce and Alfred] Aw, gee, Aunt Harriet, I wanna hear about the Joker!
Aunt: The Joker?
[turns off the television set]
Aunt: Bruce Wayne, I'm surprised at you. Allowing a boy Dick's age to listen to such sordid goings on.
[Bruce winks at Dick as Aunt Harriet addresses Dick]
Aunt: Now you march yourself straight over to that piano, young man.
Dick: [desperate glance at Bruce] Golly G-minor, Bruce, do I have to?
Bruce: Who am I to oppose your Aunt Harriet? I doubt whether even Batman would wanna take that job on.

Commissioner: The origin of the Bat costume, ladies and gentlemen, is simple. As Batman realized when he set out in this crusade, nothing so strikes terror in the criminal mind than the shape and shadow of a huge bat.

Robin: Oh, boy!
[hits palm of his hand with fist]
Robin: I'll bet somewhere in Gotham City there's one shook lady crook.

Mrs. Monteagle: You know, I'm sure the Communists had something to do with this!
Batman: I suspect the culprits can be found closer to home, Mrs. Monteagle.

Jerry: [sticking his head outside a window to talk to the Dynamic Duo] Holy human flies!

Narrator: Next week, the Penguin waddles again!

Batman: [seeing Catwoman for the first time] You feline devil! What have you done with Robin?
Catwoman: Aw, is that any way to greet an old friend, Batman? Not even a "hello, how are you"? Teach him some manners, fellas!

Robin: Case closed, Batman?
Batman: Yes, except for one detail.
Robin: What's that?
Batman: The Batmobile. We'll have to have it fumigated.

The: Thundering feathers!

Dawn: [posing for Funboy magazine] Oh, what a drag it is being a famous movie star and so rich. Why doesn't anything exciting ever happen to me?

Batman: Mr. Freeze, give yourself up. We can get help for you... medical help!
Freeze: In prison? This I do not believe. No, you must PAY for what you did to me, for forcing me to live like this: never again to know the warmth of a summer breeze, never to feel the heat of burning logs in vintertime! Revenge. That is what I need! Revenge! I will have revenge!

Robin: Listen: how many sides is a circle?
[Batman jerks back his head in thought]
Robin: Answer: two. Inside and outside, right?
Batman: Right.
Robin: Here's the second one: what President of the United States wore the biggest hat?
[Batman turns around and starts pacing]
Robin: It's, it's easy Batman: the one with the biggest head!
Batman: Of course.

The: Batman! You may have won the battle... but the war isn't over yet!

Catwoman: Now, pay attention: it's time for your lesson in window-jimmying. After this, we'll have a short recess, and discuss Batman and Robin's upcoming funeral.

Dick: Find anything?
Bruce: Looks black as pitch, Dick. I've been through all mu father's old law books. I don't see we have a leg to stand on.
Alfred: A million dollars.
Bruce: It's not the money, Alfred. It's the idea of it. My identity revealed, my value as a secret crime-fighter ended, everything I trained myself for since my parents were murdered, in the ashcan. Gone. Up the shoot.
Alfred: Well, sir, I do hope something can be worked out. If poor Mrs. Cooper were to find out what Master Dick has been doing on these supposed fishing trips of yours.

Robin: Holy hostage!

Robin: [solving the riddle] There were three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter!

Commissioner: That infernal Archer has outwitted us. The money is counterfeit.
Robin: Holy deviltry!

Chief: You greedy bird! Have you no conscience?
Commissioner: Great Scot, Penguin, this woman loves you, she's still willing to marry you.
The: Who, me? The Penguin married and kept in a bathtub?
Sophia: I do love you, Pengy, I'd try so hard to reform you.
The: Great quivering icebergs! Take me to prison!
[waddles out]

The: Now lets toss the costumes corpses over the pier. To the sharks with them.
[walks around the shooting stand to find Batman & Robin gone]
The: Great blubbering whale oil! They've evaporated!

Batman: [speaking through Bat-bullhorn] Boys and girls, go back to your studies. Believe me: nothing in life is free!

Robin: Holy Benedict Arnold, Susie! The chief cheerleader... a member of the Joker's criminal gang! Is it possible, Batman?
Batman: Steady, Robin. Steady old chum.

Batman: What's your name, son?
Dick: [stands up straight] Richard Grayson, sir.
Batman: Thank you, Richard. You darken the room, I'll man the projector.

Chief: Look! Up there! Are they birds?
Commissioner: Are they planes?
Batman: No, they're cat-burglars! Quickly, to the elevators!

The: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest fink of all?

Dick: Oh, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?
Bruce: Dick, I am surprised at you. Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.
Dick: Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me.

Narrator: [During bat-fight] Zap-eth! Thwacke! !ox?-eth! Wham-eth! Clunk-eth! Thwape!

Finella: Batman!
The: But it can't be. We gassed you at the party.
Batman: We prepared ourselves beforehand with anti-Penguin-gas pills.

False: But I blew up the Batmobile. I saw it go!
Batman: Not exactly, False Face. You destroyed a false Batmobile. An inflated duplicate that I prepared for just this kind of situation.

Narrator: [narrating] Is Batman capable of out-falsing False Face?

[last lines]
Robin: I wonder if we've seen the end of her.
Batman: I wouldn't hazard a guess, Robin.
Commissioner: Why, Batman, are you blushing?
Batman: It's the... heat of the day, Commissioner. Unseasonably warm, don't you think?

Commissioner: [referring to False Face] He must be stopped.
Batman: No. He must be encouraged, enticed, and only then... entrapped.
Chief: But how?
Batman: By falsehood.

Narrator: Horrors! One lemon!

Narrator: Next week, Batman faces the Catwoman!

Henchman #2: [after Batman and Robin walk up out of the chimney] Hey, boss, they're gone!
The: I know that!
Henchman #2: But how did they get out?
The: They took the elevator! What do you think?

Robin: Holy hurricane! What's that?

Robin: Holy molars. Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!
Batman: True. You owe your life to dental hygiene. If only more people...
[is distracted by the Riddler's helicopter]

Zelda: I hate robbing banks! All I ever wanted to be was a poor but honest magician!

The: Who says penguins can't fly?

Aunt: [Alfred comes up as they are about to leave] What is it Alfred?
Alfred: The telephone Madam. Police Commissioner Gordon wishes to speak with Mr. Wayne.
Bruce: [Aunt Harriet and Dick look at Bruce who is as surprised] With me Alfred?
Alfred: Yes sir, he was most distinct. With Mr. Bruce Wayne.

Leo: There's no need for you to wait in line, you're on official business, aren't you?
Batman: I'd rather not say.
Leo: There's no charge for you, go right in.
Batman: No, I'd rather pay just like any other ordinary citizen.

Batman: [about to cross the street] Remember, Robin: always look both ways.

Cheerleader: Hey, Batman, where's Robin?
Batman: [speaking through Bat-bulhorn] Attending school, just like as you are.
Cheerleader: What school?
Batman: I can't tell you that, it might reveal his secret, true identity.

The: [the Riddler and his gang are dressed in Revolutionary War outfits] We'd better get our everyday clothes back on, we look too suspicious this way.

Dick: Holy hieroglyphics! This might mean a battle royale!
Bruce: Not the first, Dick, not the last. To the Batpoles.

Newscaster: [on television screen] Ladies and gentlemen, with Gotham City still reeling from the great Sphynx mystery, another shocking blow was landed when Mr. Bruce Wayne, philanthropist and millionaire about town, was kidnapped in broad daylight.

Batman: [Robin is plummeting down a building] The Bat-rope. Grab it with your teeth!

Bruce: My resources are behind you... in full.
Mr. Harris: You're a real champion, Mr. Wayne.
Female: Indeed you are.
Bruce: Don't mention it, Mr. Harris. Perhaps if they're had been anti-crime centers of the type you now propose when my own parents were murdered by dastardly criminals...
Bruce: [Alfred clears his throat] Yes, Alfred?
Alfred: [Whispers] The batphone sir.
Bruce: Forgive me. I'm just reminded I promised to take my young ward Dick Grayson fishing. If you'll excuse me.
Mr. Harris: It will be a pleasure working with you, sir.
Female: It's wonderful knowing you're behind us.
Bruce: Oh there you are, Dick. Feel like a bit of... fishing?
Dick: Holy Barracuda! You mean...
[Dick notices Aunt Harriet behind him]
Dick: Sure, Bruce. Why not? Sounds swell. Doesn't it Aunt Harriet?

[answering a riddle]
Batman: Why is a woman in love like a welder? Because they both carry a torch!

Bruce: I have only one regret in the whole affair. One thing that makes me heartsick.
[as Bruce stares towards the window, a superimposed image of Molly appears shaped like a star]
Dick: Molly? You kind of liked her, didn't you?
Bruce: [turns around] If only I could have helped her somehow. Weened her from that tragic alliance with the underworld which led to...
Aunt: [Aunt Harriet comes in carrying a tray filled with milk, tea and cookies] Oh dear me, Bruce, I hope you're not speaking of any young lady we know. I mean the thought of young Dick being exposed to any criminal element is...
Bruce: Rest at ease, Aunt Harriet, the young lady won't trouble us. She's merely someone I passed like a ship in the night. Now vanished like a puff of smoke.

Commissioner: I would say a pattern is beginning to take shape.
Chief: A pattern, sir?
Commissioner: A villainous pattern indeed.

Chief: [the Joker has escaped from prison using a spring loaded pitcher's mound] The Devil!... He sprung himself!
Narrator: Sprung!... You can say that again!

Blaze: Oh, Batman, whould you get me a candy bar, please?
Batman: Candy?
[thinks for a moment]
Batman: Actually, fresh fruit is much more healthful.

[last lines]
[narrating]
Narrator: Doth this foul deed spell finis for the Caped Crusaders? Willst the Dynamic Duo escape to fight again the villainous swine who threaten home and hearth? Take heart, citizens. The answers to these and other pointed inquiries tomorrow! Same bat-time! Same bat-channel... !

[Figuring out a riddle]
Robin: The opposite of a girl is a boy!

The: Now my good rats, now is the time to the Royal Mushroom Club. If plan 13-Z goes well, and I'm sure it will, the finest achievement in crime shall be culminated tonight.
The: [moves to hole in the wall]
The: The end of Batman and Robin!

[the words that Batman spoke in the Batcave, and that Penguin spoke at the penthouse]
Batman: It's a fiendish, well-laid scheme.
The: Well. So this is the end of my fiendish, well-laid plan is it?

Commissioner: By the way, Batman, have you seen millionaire Bruce Wayne? He doesn't answer the phone at his stately manor.

Robin: Holy weaponry! Look what she's got in her paws.

Robin: Holy Houdini - they've disappeared!

The: For two people about to become human candles, you have a lot of questions.
Batman: I'm always interested in the way the criminal mind works.
The: Well then, I'll tell you.

Nick: You gorgeous, dumb hunk of cheerleader!

King: [shouting] While Batman is bounding around in belfry's in far off Egypt, I'll do what I set out to do before: abduct Bruce Wayne!

The: Mr. Van Jones, why are you like a clock at midnight? Answer: because both of your hands are going straight up, right now.
Mr. Van Jones: What is this?
The: This... is your last reel!

Freeze: [Batman has attempted to leave the heated area of Mr. Freeze's hideout] You see? Even through your glove the cold air penetrates like a thousand needles. Am I not right?
[Batman remains silent]
Freeze: I am right!
Batman: You're right, you cold fish.

False: I warn you: one thing I will not allow is anyone being false to me.

Batman: She's put the elevators out of commission, Commissioner!

Batman: "Why is an orange like a bell?"
Robin: Answer - because they both must be "peeled."
Batman: Right - you peel an orange and you peal a bell! Get it?
Chief: What idiots we are! Now, why couldn't we have worked that out?
Commissioner: But what does it mean, though?
Batman: Right, commissioner. There's the problem. We all know this quizzical criminal operates. He deliberately leaves clues to confound us.
Robin: Clues which may or may not lead to the real crime he's planning.
Inspector: The real crime?
Batman: Precisely, Inspector Basch. The Riddler contrives his plots like artichokes. You have to strip off the spiny leaves to reach the heart.

Batman: When is the time of a clock like the whistle of a train?
Robin: When it's two to two. Too too too!

Mad: Do you usually carry a homing-bat-transmitter in your bowler, Mr. Bowinkle?

Batman: Mother Gotham never baked this pie... it's topped with sleeping cream.

Alfred: [answering the Bat-phone] I shall solicit his presence.

Robin: Holy New Years Eve! He's got me in his famous trick streamers!

The: [picks up phone] Hello, hello? Give me the sign.
Suzie: [on other line] How do you stop a dog from barking in July?
The: Countersign: shoot him in June. Very good!
[laughs]

Chief: A trick umbrella. As sure as a fingerprint, the mark of the Penguin.
Commissioner: Correct, Chief O'Hara, the Penguin. That pompous, waddling master of foul play. That criminal maestro of a thousand ubiquitous umbrellas.
Chief: But I thought he was still up the river, Commissioner.
Commissioner: So did I, 'til I checked with the penitentiary. The Penguin was released three days ago. Any volunteers, men? Any of you think you're smart enough to net the Penguin?
Chief: Aw, the devil with pride, Commissioner. I speak for us all. There's but one man livin' who can throw the net over that cagey bird.
Commissioner: [glancing at the hotline phone] Thank you, Chief O'Hara. I admire your honesty. And I make it unanimous. Whoever he may be behind that mask of his, our only hope is the Caped Crusader.

The: [showing up in the school, laughs] Hello kiddies, meet the Joker!

Batman: I'll stand at the bar. I shouldn't wish to attract attention.

Asst. Shop Owner: [a large number of customers enter the store] They say there are prizes for lucky umbrellas.
Shop: I smell a hoax, Jenkins; devilish, sinister.

Batman: Bartender, a bit of advice. Always inspect a jukebox carefully. These machines can be deadly.

Batman: [Freeing Robin from the rack] Robin, are you all right?
Robin: I'm just a little sore, Batman, that's all.
Batman: Well, one of Aunt Harriet's good nourishing meals will set everything right again!
Robin: I sure worked up an appetite, I'll tell you that!

Batman: I'll never understand why girls like you get involved in things like this.
Mousey: Kicks, I guess. Been looking for them ever since I dropped out of high school.
[giggles as she moves closer to Batman]
Mousey: But I'm sort of glad they didn't do you in.
Batman: Thank you.

Narrator: Next week, return match with the Riddler!

The: [after Batman unmasks a disguised Joker] It's my mother-in-law!

Robin: Holy felony!

Robin: Holy bouncing boilerplated fists!

Commissioner: [on phone] I warn you Joker, if the Maharajah is harmed, we'll hunt you down, if it takes a hundred years.
The: [on other line] By that time my jokes will be stale, wouldn't they, Commisioner?
[laughs]

Robin: Holy Las Vegas! Where are we?

Robin: Holy oxygen!

Robin: Gato & Chat Fur Company. Gato means cat in Spanish and chat means cat in French! Only the Catwoman would choose a hideout with those names.
Batman: I'm glad you're up on your foreign languages, Robin, they come in handy when fighting crime.
Robin: Si, si, Batman. What do we do now?

The: [Batman prepares to arrest the Joker for loitering in the school] Wrong kiddies, look up the statute, in Gotham City the crime of loitering requires the loiterer to remain in the same spot for over two minutes.
Batman: You... you jailhouse lawyer!

Chief: I, I'll take me men and we'll run up the 102 flights of stairs.
Batman: I don't have time for that!

Robin: Gosh, Batman, is there anything you don't know?
Batman: Oh yes, Robin, several things in fact.

The: [after his cover is blown and his Maharaja costume destroyed] Egads! I'm deflated!
Batman: A fitting end for you, Joker. Like the rest of your criminal ilk, you were never anything but a threatening bag of hot air. Chief O'Hara, call your men. Cart this human trash away.
Chief: Right.

Robin: Holy murder!

Robin: Holy ashtray!

The: A Trojan Mammoth.

Robin: Holy alphabet!

Narrator: Next week, the Joker returns!

Commissioner: You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality.

Aunt: [close to tears] I just hope *they* were watching the television.
Dick: They?
Aunt: Batman and Robin. Who else can save us now?
Dick: Don't worry, Aunt Harriet. I guess there's not much those two miss.

The: [Batman and Robin have the Riddler and his gang cornered] Get them, boys!... Get them, or we'll never make it to the border!

Robin: Holy transistors!

Robin: Holy clockwork! What next?

The: My friends, plan 1-36 triple A is about to begin.

Robin: Maybe you can bully an aging mogul, but not me, Catwoman!

Batman: [about to fight the Bookworm's gang] Your glasses!
[to Robin]
Batman: Remember: never hit a man with glasses.

Sparrow: Maybe I'm dumb, Penguin, but I don't dig this caper.
The: Oh, it's very simple, my little gosling. I'm going to unleash the most bizarre, senseless barrage of umbrellas onto Gotham City. It'll be senseless to everybody but the Batman, whose keen mind will unquestionably piece together the clues to my crime.
Sparrow: But what crime? What the heck are you plannin'?
The: Nothing.
Sparrow: Nothing?
Hawkeye: Nothing? What do you mean "nothing"?
The: I am planning nothing. The Batman's going to do that for me. The Batman's not only going to pick my crime, he is going to provide me with a blueprint as to how I should pull it off.
Hawkeye: Penguin, are you sure you haven't gone stir-crazy?
The: Why, you birdbrain.
[conking him on the head with an umbrella rod]
The: How dare you mock me on the eve of my greatest triumph?
Sparrow: Do you really mean that Batman is gonna plan our caper?
The: Yes, my fine feathered finks. Mm, it's just a little plot that I hatched in prison. You wait and see. The Batman and the Penguin are going to be partners in plunder.

Narrator: Next week, Batman versus Zelda the Great!

The: Egads. The tide is turing against us!
Jill: Let's scram, Joker!

Chief: On the ammunition used in the shootout with Batman and Robin; 297 rounds of ammunition, including Tommy guns and pistols. It's strange, isn't it, Commissioner?
Commissioner: Isn't what strange, Chief O'Hara?
Chief: 297 rounds of blanks, they cost more than the real thing.

Robin: Holy transistor's bill! What an installation!

Zelda: Some other lifetime, Batman...
Batman: Perhaps. Some other lifetime.

Robin: [about to enter a giant cookbook] I wonder what's on the menu inside.
Batman: Only one way to find out, Robin. Let's take a bite.

Robin the Boy Wonder: That orange color, doesn't that mean uranium?
Batman: Right on the nose, Robin, you're catching on fast.
Robin the Boy Wonder: [flattered] No kidding? Gee!

Dick: Oh boy! I like Rock & Roll music as much as the next red-blooded average American teenager. But this stuff is awful!
[turns off the record player Aunt Harriet is dancing to and hands the record to Alfred]
Aunt: It's the latest dance. They call it the 'Catussi'.
Alfred: [looking at the label] By 'Benedict Arnold and the Traitors'.

Batman: False Face, you'll regret this... eventually.

[last lines]
Dick: What's wrong, Bruce?
Bruce: It's funny, I... when I came in here I could swear I was wearing a hat.

Batman: The old Bioscope Studios, it's been abandoned for years...
Robin: False Face must have his hideout here in the crumbling sets and faded false fronts.
Batman: We'll expose his concealments to the light of day and put him behind real bars.

Narrator: [narrating] Holy Cow Juice, it's easy living!

Batman: [to Pauline] Stop! surrender! Give yourself up. Or by all that's holy I might forget myself and do you violence!

Robin: Holy cliché. Does he expect us to fall for that?
Catwoman: Ah, my tenacious teenager, you have a lot to learn.

Narrator: Next week, Batman faces the Catwoman!

Narrator: Next week, Batman meets the Mad Hatter!

Alfred: To serve you in any capacity sir, has always been my duty and my pleasure.

King: Remember Batman: Bruce Wayne's life is in your hand.

Commissioner: [With Alfred disguised as Batman] Say, Boy Wonder, uh, Batman looks a little, um, thinner these days. Is he alright?
Robin: Uh, except for the cold, he's fine.
Commissioner: Well, tell him to get some relaxation, and make sure to eat all his vegetables.
Robin: I'll tell him, sir.

Robin: Holy geography!

Bruce: [Finella has been invited to the Multi-millionaires Annual Award Dinner] Well, someday when you've paid your debt to society, you may be released from prison not only for one day, but forever.

Catwoman: What's the matter Batman, cat got your tongue?

Robin: Holy cats, a cat!

Catwoman: Felix?
Felix: Yes Catwoman?
Catwoman: You can brush my pussy willows before you leave. And don't go against the fur.
Felix: I'll treat them like they was my very own.

Narrator: Next week, Batman versus the Joker!

Robin: Then when you thought you were stopping him with your utility belt, he was really stopping us with his!
Batman: That tricky devil! He's hit us below the belt!
Robin: Golly. What do you suppose little Harold is going to think now?

Commissioner: [the police have gunned down Batman and Robin] Don't feel too badly about it, men, you did what you had to do. It's always tragic to see a crime fighter turn bad.

Robin: Holy popcorn!

Batman: That young lady's life isn't worth a plugged lollipop!

Robin: Holy rudder!

Robin: Don't fret. With good behavior, you could be out in seven-and-a-half years.
Catwoman: [sadly] I'll be an old tabby by then.

Narrator: Next week, the return of the Riddler!

Batman: You witch!
Catwoman: Batman! With all your many attributes, you haven't learned the first thing about good manners. A gentleman would kiss a lady's hand.
Batman: You are not a lady!

Commissioner: It was a sad day indeed when the word 'parole' was coined.

The: [on phone while eating from a large tin of sardines] Oh, good morning, commissionor. Have you snared the costumed crooks yet?
Police: [referring to the Caped Crusaders] They're still at large, Penguin.

Mr. Freeze: Nippy, have you ordered the airplane to go zoom-zoom-zoom?

Miss: [to library customer] Now remember: no writing in the margins!

Commissioner: Chief O'Hara, are you anxious to be transferred to the Department of Sanitation?
Chief: No, sir.

Robin: Holy hailstorm!

Batman: Don't move, I'll get the universal drug antidote.
Molly: [gets out of the Batmobile and pulls out a revolver, pointing it at Batman] Reach, Batman!
Batman: Well, Molly. I was wondering when you would get around to that.
Molly: What? You mean you *saw* through my disguise?
Batman: A criminal always makes one mistake, Molly. Those straws you gave Robin to breathe through, I spotted the defect in the mask instantly. That was the one hole in your plan.
Molly: Well, there are gonna be some holes in you, Batman.
[pulls the trigger on her revolver, nothing happens]
Batman: Foolish girl. You were so bent on your murderous scheme, you failed to notice. In the Batmobile, I burned off your revolver's firing pin with a hidden bat-laser beam.

Robin: Holy headache.
Narrator: [narrating] Holy midnight!

False: What? Is it possible?
Batman: Not only possible, but true.
False: Please! Not that word!

Robin: [the two crooks shoot each other] Holy crossfire!

The: According to legal experts, the $1-million lawsuit filed this morning against Batman for assault, slander, and false arrest appears to have every chance of success. Causing even dismay in law-enforcement circles is the fact that Batman will undoubtedly have to reveal his true identity in court. Once unmasked, no longer will the Caped Crusader and his youthful aide be able to combat crime in Gotham City.

Batman: This jokes on you, Riddler!
Robin: When is a donkey spelled with one letter? When it's U!
The: A Trojan mammoth!

Robin: Holy headlines, we look like page one dumb-bells!

Big: Enclose them in a room full of imported California smog. They wouldn't last five minutes!

Commissioner: Well, you may not get all the kudos that Batman does, but believe me Bruce, you are the unsung hero of this dark hour. Thank you.
Bruce: I just want to do my duty as a proud citizen of this fair community.

Robin: Holy whiskers! That was a close shave!

The: What's the matter with you, Batman? I'm the funny man around here!

Whiskers: You want a piece of cheese?
King: Not without a good vintage port, you lackey!

Von: Achtung! Der Fledermaus! The Batman spots us!

Chief: There's nothin' so tragic as a good crimefighter turned bad.

Narrator: [narrating] Twelve and one half minutes later, inside this curious vehicle...

[as The Riddler crashes the party]
The: What is that?
Moldavian: It appears to be a vulgar, low comedian.

The: [after unsuccessfully trying to destroy the Batmobile] Curses! It's got more lives than a cat!

Allan A. Dale: [the Archer has just escaped through Commisioner Gordon's window, followed by the Dynamic Duo] He certainly is a spectacular man.
Chief: That he is, and the Boy Wonder's pretty good, too.
Allan A. Dale: I was talking about the Archer. A good publicity campaign and he'd replace Batman as the public's favorite.
Commissioner: Understand this, Mr. Dale: someone might be able to substitute for Batman for a very sort time, but...
[turns to face camera]
Commissioner: ... no one could ever replace him.
[O'Hara nods in agreement]

Pauline: Where am I?
Batman: Deep in the entrails of the Earth, Pauline. Where every instrument has been designed to combat crime and snare its perpetrators.
Commissioner: There are those who came to this Batcave and never left.

Robin: That was the closest call we've ever had, Batman. I have to admit, I was scared.
Batman: I had no fear whatsoever, Robin.
Robin: You didn't?
Batman: Not a bit. Haven't you noticed how we always manage to escape the vicious ensnarements of our underhanded opponents? Don't you know why?
Robin: Because we're smarter than they are.
Batman: I prefer to believe it's because our hearts are pure.

The: How irritating! Here I am, due to be released tomorrow, and I still haven't worked out one single crime worthy of my talents! My whole stay in this disgusting prison is wasted.
Cellmate: Yeah, well, that's the way it bounces, Penguin. Some years are just a blank spot out of a guy's life. Hey, wait a minute. My mother-in-law, she owns a candy store. You could always knock that over if you wanna.
The: [incredulous] What? A candy store? I am an aristocrat of crookery, my dear man! No, I must devise something royal, unsuspected, sensational! A caper that will make that Batman blow his brains out!
Cellmate: Yeah, that Batman. He sure is some kind of pest, ain't he? Say, do you ever stop to think, Penguin, if only the Batman was a crook instead of a law guy. Boy, oh, boy, we'd turn this world inside out!
The: What did you say?
Cellmate: Oh, I was just thinkin' out loud, Penguin. I said, "If only the Batman was like us, a crook."

Allan A. Dale: I like that cape, Batman. Very chic. Wash and wear?

Batman: Few men die of threats, Robin.

Robin: We might have been killed!
Batman: Or worse.

Batman: Blaze. She's as elusive as a flickering flame.
Robin: I'll bet that's how she earned her nickname.
Batman: I warrant you, we'll snuff out her fiery criminal career.

Riddler: [coming into the lair and seeing all of the River Rats asleep] RISE AND SHINE!
[the Rats tumble out of bed]
Riddler: Sorry, my dear Rats, to disturb your slumber, but I believe you *are* working for me?
[one of the Rats nods]
Riddler: Then sleep ON YOUR OWN TIME!

Commissioner: There are three new umbrella factories. None of them, unfortunately, in the name of Penguin. It's a dead end.
Robin: Could he be using an alias?
Batman: Good thinking, Robin. Chief, read me the names on those umbrella-factory licenses.
Chief: Here's R.L. Howard. K.G. Bird. Sherlock...
Batman: Bird?
Robin: K.G. Bird... cagey bird! The Penguin, get it?
Commissioner: Get it? Why, it's practically transparent.

Alfred: Shall I bring in the pièce de résistance, sir?
Multimillionaire: Pièce de résistance?
Robin: French, sir. It refers to the feature of the evening.

Robin: [after getting accidentally zapped by the Mad Hatter's ray when Batman reflects it with a mirror] Holy ricochet!

Moth: [about Batman] Oh, he, he looks so handsome beneath that mask.
The: A diamondback rattlesnake is a handsome creature, too, but dangerous and deadly. Remember, Moth, Batman is our sworn enemy. We can Ill afford such emotions as pity...
Batman: [regaining consciousness] Where am I?
The: Ah, you could say you're in the proverbial pickle, Batman.

The: Adios, amigos. See you in court!

Batman: I think I've got it...
Robin: You have, Batman?
Batman: [picks up the Joker's doll by the head] What other kind of clown is there besides a circus clown? I'll give you a hint: tonight, there's going to be a live telecast of the Gotham City opera company.
Robin: [hits palm of his hand with fist] Golly, Batman, I still don't get it.
Batman: They're performing a certain celebrated Italian opera...
Robin: [thinks for a moment] Holy ravioli!
Robin: You're warm...
Batman,71078: Pagliacci!

The: Oh, great heavenly sunshades. I have it! It's a fantastical scheme. It's hatched, full blown. U-Day. U for Umbrella day. What a dazzling plot!

Joker: [laughing] Have a sneeze on me, Batman!
[Joker administers sneezing powder upon Batman, which has no effect]
Batman: No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you, cold!

Narrator: Next week, King Tut tangles with the Dynamic Duo!

Batman: [reading from a card] The Penguin Protective Agency, incorporated.
Robin: Holy leopard. What a change of spots.

Narrator: [narrating] One hint: The worst is yet to come!

Octopus: Hey, boss?
The: Hmm?
Octopus: You know what I'm gonna do with my cut? I'm going to the South Seas and open up a school for pirates!

The: To quote an old axiom: the finer the bait, the shorter the wait.

Lisa: Sorry I'm late, Jervis, but I needed a pedicure.
Robin: The girl from Magda's!
Batman: Up to her pretty neck in evil.
Mad: You're just in time. Batman and Robin are about to undergo a treatment I usually reserve for rabbits, muskrats and beavers.
Lisa: Jervis, how droll! Do get on with it though, then perhaps you can take me for a bite to eat.

Leo: I say, there was one little thing you might call peculiar.
Robin: What is it?
Leo: The young lady who paid for the announcement. She was not only staggeringly beautiful, she had green hair.
Robin: Green hair... holy wigs!
Batman: Blaze.
Leo: Does that mean anything to you?
Batman: Indeed it does. Good observation, Gore. Darn good observation!

Police: [while interrogating a less-than-cooperative suspect] A hard-baked cookie, this one.
Chief: Covered with armor-plated icin'!
Police: Let's give him a turn, shall we?

[first lines]
Narrator: [narrating] Another glorious morning in Gotham City. The day people are just starting to work, and the night people are ready to call it a day.

Batman: [standing over an unconscious Joker] That's what easy living gets you, kids. Stick to your books!

Batman: Exactly, which leads to only one possible conclusion:
Robin: The crook was a lady!
Batman: Hardly a lady, Robin, but female, yes.

Batman: [to the Joker] Here's a joke on you, you fiend!

[first lines]
Narrator: Eleven o'clock in Gotham City and all is well... or is it? Criminals prefer plying their trade under the cloak of darkness, and tonight is no exception.

Girl: Good afternoon, may I help you?
Bruce: Thank you. We thought we might find some amusing favors for a small diner party this young man is giving.
Girl: To be sure. How about these?
[hands over some fake glasses]

Batman: [to bartender] A large, fresh orange juice, please.

Commissioner: [drinking from the Riddler's spiked lemonade] Morrie Whittle's better than Honus Wagner?
Chief: 50 times better.
Commissioner: You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I wonder why I keep you in my department.
Chief: Your Royal Highness, often I wondered why I don't resign!

Commissioner: [speaking into intercom] Oh, Bonnie, get me my good friend millionaire Bruce Wayne. I expect he'll be at his stately residence, Wayne manor.

Aunt: I'm afraid you're going to have to practice more diligently, Dick. You're just not making any progress with Chopin.
Dick: Gee whiz, Aunt Harriet, what's so important about Chopin?
Bruce: All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.

What: [outside the What A Way To Go Go discoteque] Sorry Batman, I'm afraid the boy is under age.
Batman: It's the law.
[dramatic pause]
Batman: Very odd. This could be a plot to seperate us.

Robin: Holy asp! A trick Egyptian snake!

Octavia: [referring to Batman] He does have a warm, attractive voice, doesn't he?
The: So what? He's still a second rate genius.

Blaze: So, you finally fumbled, False Face.
False: For the moment.

[repeated line]
Mr. Freeze: Wild!
[cackling]

Jack: [referring to Robin the Boy Wonder] Let's can the gabbathon and thrown this rascal out!
Robin: [Robin is grabbed by Catwoman's catboys] I might have known you were involved! A person like you could give a bad name to gossip columnists!

Robin: [King Tut sets off the ejector seat in the Batmobile] Holy skyrockets!

Chief: The baleful bird is about to chirp!

[Defeated by a gizmo from Batman's utility belt]
The: I swear by all that is funny, I shall never be foiled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again!

Eagle: Gee, that cement filled umbrella sure cooled 'em off!

The: By thunder, thee will walk the plank deck.
Robin: Holy Blackbeard!

Bruce: This is one time we don't wait for the Batphone.

Robin: Batman!
The: [a sword hanging on a wall falls and hits Batman in the head. Batman pretends to be knocked out. The Joker's henchman restrain Robin; he laughs] We have two more jewels for our collection! My comic crondies, Batman and Robin, the dashing diamonds of derring-do.
[laughs]
The: Come, my funny fellows! We've got a little diamond cutting to do!
[the two henchman lead Robin away and two more henchman pick up batman and begin to walk away with him]

Riddler: I've... been out-riddled!

Reporter: It's alive! The snake's prophecy was right. The king has risen again.
Bruce: [loudly shouting] Is there a doctor in the house?

Robin: Holy hole in donut!

Batman: I'll be back in three minutes and twenty seconds.

Batman: [Batman is trying to contact the Batcave on his Bat-communicator] Do you think Alfred's there?
Robin: He's a creature of well disciplined habits. It's his regular time for dusting the atomic pyle.

Catwoman: I'm not just pussyfooting around this time, Batman!

Catwoman: It's too bad it had to end now, guys. But look at it this way: you will have starred in a new show.
Batman: What's that?
Catwoman: Bat on a hot tin roof!
[Catwoman and her cat-burglars laugh]
Batman: That's not a bit funny.

The: [presenting "What's my crime" on television] Are you listening out there, Fatman and Boy Blunder?
[bursts out with insane laughter]
Robin: [slaps the palm of his hand with his fist while watching in the Batcave] Oh boy! How I'd like to top him with a punchline!

Dawn: [the Dynamic Duo enter through the window] Eek! Oh help, there's, there's guys from outer space.
Batman: Don't be alarmed, Miss Robbins, we're NOT law-breakers.
Robin: We're here to protect you, ma'am.

Batman: You'd set a thief to catch a thief; you'd set some cheese to catch a mouse; to catch this breed of cat, you'd set...
Robin: A bird!
Batman: Correct, Robin. And what kind of bird?
Robin: A canary!
Batman: You've done it again, old chum.

Robin: [he and Batman are in the grip of Penguin's Penguin magnet] Holy fly-paper, what a fix!

Eivol: After Batman escapes from the Doom Trap, he walks into instant liquidation!

Batman: To the Batboat via Batmobile!

Batman: [sounding inebriated after drinking a spiked glass of fresh orange juice] Officers, out of my way, they've got Robin!
[gets into Batmobile]
Batman: Out of my way I said, I've got to get after Robin.
Young: Hand me the key, Batman. I'm afraid you're in no condition to drive.

Robin: Holy magic lantern! An immense picture of the new bridge!
Batman: Yes, he's blown it up all right.
Robin: Huh?
Batman: That photograph of the bridge, it's hugely enlarged. 'Blown up' in photographers lingo.
Robin: Gosh... what a tricky play on words.

Narrator: [narrating] Good night, sweet guard.

Robin: Holy ball and chain!

Narrator: Victory for the tricky birds?
Narrator: The dynamic duo's darkest hour?
Narrator: Dawn... gone!
Narrator: One dawn gone, but then another comes.

Robin: Holy smokes! Sky writing!

King: [as he wakes up in Commissioner Gordon's office as Professor of Egyptology] Oh my!... Whatever will the Dean say?
[Last words]

Mr. Freeze: I am sorry, Batman. I wanted to toy with you a little longer. But, das is the way the Ice-cube crumbles.

Catwoman: [Batman is fighting Catwoman's pet tiger, Tigerlily] T.T.F.N.
Batman: And what's that's supposed to mean?
Catwoman: Ta ta for now. I'm off to pluck Robin's feathers.

Freeze: [holding up Batman's utility belt] Is this what you are looking for? Very ingenious, this utility belt; batrope, batarang, explosives, gas pellets, and other things... such imagination! A most useful thing to have... *when* you have it!

Batman: Meantime, let's ponder the crooks motive.
Chief: A hundred-thousand smackers, that's the motive!

Catwoman: From now on: pussy willows galore. We're rich!

[Batman and Robin have cornered Riddler and his three henchmen]
Riddler: There are four of us against the two of you, but we're not afraid.

Batman: That's correct, Robin. It's as plain as the masks on our faces.

The: Well, good for you. The Dynamic Duo. Their faces completely covered with Penguin egg.

Robin: Ok, Batman, lets deliver the punchline!

Bruce: Yes, Commissioner?
Commissioner: Brace yourself for a shock. It's the Penguin.
Bruce: We'll be right there.

The: [wearing an elephant mask that doubles as a gasmask] Has anybody seen my friend Kersh?
The: Kersh who?
The: Gesundheit!

Jill: [referring to a captured Batman] I bet he wouldn't try to knock you off if he had the chance!
The: Oh, no, he'd merely try to incarcerate me in durance vile for the rest of my life! A fate much worse than death for a spirit such as mine!

Alfred: [Bruce is explaining fine art to Dick] Forgive me for interrupting, sir, but it's the Bat phone.
Dick: Hot diggety!

Robin: Holy Alps! I'd better brush up on my geography!

The: [laughing] And now, people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for.
[still laughing]
The: The grand finale! The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!

Catwoman: [off screen] If you pick the right door, I'm yours, Batman. If you pick the wrong door, you're mine. So which is it, Batman? The lady or the tiger?

Narrator: Same Bat time, Same Bat channel.

Commissioner: [hangs up the Batphone, having tried to contact Batman while Bruce and Dick are standing in his office] He's not there.
Chief: [sounds as if he's about to cry] But... what are we to do now, commissioner?
Commissioner: [hangs his head low] I... I just don't know.

[singing to the tune of "Rock-a-bye Baby"]
The: Batman and Robin rotate and revolve / As the heat grows, your bodies dissolve / When it's still hotter, then you will melt / Nothing left but your utility belt.

Aunt: [about Bruce & Dick] Mercy alive, such an impetuous pair. There should be some way to harness such energy.