30 Best Alfred Hitchcock Presents Quotes

[afterword - Hitchcock steps out of the theater]
Alfred: After an experience like that, we need something to break the spell and I have just the thing. I shall rejoin you in a moment.
[commercial break]
Alfred: On rare occasions, we have stories on this program which do not lend themselves to levity. "Bang! You're Dead" is a case in point. We only hope that this play has dramatized for parents the importance of keeping firearms and ammunition out of reach of children. Accidents of this type occur far too frequently nowadays and the tragic fact is that with proper precaution, it could be avoided. That is all for tonight. Please join us next week when we shall return with another story. Until then, good night.

Detective: Thanks for the invitation, lady. It was worthwhile.

Sarah: [describing the deceased Mr. Wright] Well, he didn't drink, kept his word as well as most, I guess. Paid his debts. But he was a cold, harsh man. Well, just passing the time of day with him was like a raw wind cuttin' clean to the bone. And that's the only human bein' Millie ever saw, day in, day out.

[last lines]
Hugo: Smile, Irene! Smile! Smile!

[Hitchcock arrives for his introduction dressed in a safari outfit and pith helmet]
Alfred: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to darkest Hollywood. Night brings a stillness to the jungle. It is so quiet, you can hear a name drop. The savage beasts have already begun gathering at the water holes to quench their thirst. Now one should be especially alert. The vicious table-hopper is on the prowl, and the spotted back-biter may lurk behind a potted palm. To take me through this most savage of lands, I have hired a native guide.
[He snaps his fingers. An old man joins him, wearing a billboard sign that reads, "Maps of the Movie Stars' Homes - For Sale"]
Alfred: He claims to know where I can find the big ones.

[afterword]
Alfred: I don't know quite how to put this. However, I must tell you the truth. The saw worked excellently, but the wand didn't. Hugo was terribly upset. And Irene was beside herself. As for the police, they misunderstood the whole thing and arrested Hugo for murder. There's not much more to say, but I shall say it after the following commercial break.
[after commercial]
Alfred: The forgoing has made it obvious to me that we've had quite enough for one evening. We shall save the rest for next week when I shall reappear. Until then, good night.

Self: Not even a "with your leave" or "by your leave"... he just left.

Elise: Tell me, was I meant for just one man and one life?

Mrs. Boyd: Ever since the first Mrs. Orford died, this house has become gloomier and gloomier.

Mrs. Meade: I've had nothing but shortwave diathermy for years.

Elisa: When he talked about Saint Sebastian, when he spoke about torture, he seemed to revel in it. Did you see his face? He was a different man.

Jim: You've been sitting here all day while he's been lying up there?
Mrs. Millie Wright: Didn't seem like there was anything else for me to do, seeing he was dead.

Perry: That crumb. I'd like to kick him in his baggy pants.

Meyer: They say that no man's a hero to his valet. Well, believe me, I can understand that.

[introduction - HItchcock is in the box office of a movie theater]
Alfred: Good evening and welcome to "Alfred Hitchcock Presents". The feature is about to commence. Please don't be alarmed. We are not charging admission. This is not pay-TV. As usual, all we ask is that on those occasions when you can't view our show, that you let us know so that we can send it to someone else. Please don't be a no-show.
[steps out of the box office with a gun]
Alfred: This is not a holdup. I wish to dramatize the title of tonight's play.
[Hitchcock pulls the trigger and a flag with the word 'BANG' pops out]
Alfred: Tonight's story is called "Bang! You're Dead". Despite the fact this has been introduced with my usual flippancy, it concerns a very serious subject and I would be doing it a disservice if I led you to regard it lightly. Now I must hurry into the theater, for I don't want to miss the beginning. Fortunately, I have a minute to find my seat before the feature starts, for it is preceded by an unselected short subject. It is the management's way of discouraging those who might stay through more than one show.

Kate: I'm not giving you a divorce, Paul. For the ten thousandth time, I am not.
Paul: Then what do you expect me to do? You don't want me around and you won't let me go.
[slaps top of dresser in frustration]
Paul: What do you think I am?
Kate: I know *exactly* what you are.

Self: In these times, a thorough grounding in psychology is essential in any profession, even blackmail.

Susan: I'll make myself important.

Leon: Sheriff, please, you've gotta let me out of here! You can't keep me locked up!

[introduction]
Self: Good evening. We have here one of the latest and most improved parking meters. The old type merely indicated a violation and, unless a policeman happened by, the driver could get off scot-free. This meter assures us that the violator will be punished. Needless to say even if the automobile is hauled away, it can easily be identified. And so can the driver if he is within range. The advantages are not all on the side of the law, however. For this device also will blow away any parking ticket left on your windshield. And now I see our sponsor is parked in a one-minute zone, following which we shall have tonight's story.

Alfred: [signing off] I hope you'll join us again next week, when we will present you with another story of gripping, spine-tingling suspense, and three boring commercials to take the edge off of it.

Alfred: Tonight's story is entitled "The Greatest Monster of Them All", which certainly should be a cue for the sponsor to speak up.

The: [Joe, hearing giggling, stumbles upon an intimate young couple] Freddie, do you know this guy?
The: No, I never bombed him before. What's with you, dad?
Joe: I'm sorry. I was looking for someone.
The: Yeah? Buzz me another. Who do you expect?
Joe: My wife. She didn't come home this evening. Maybe you've seen her. Blonde hair, not too tall, wearing a green waitress uniform.
The: We haven't seen anybody. Freddie was just walking me home from a party down the block.
Joe: If you happen to see...
The: Get lost.
The: You heard the man. Get lost.

Morty: Oh - Freddie, boy. We just been dropping your name.
Fred: [laughs dryly] How clumsy.

[first lines]
Sadini: Hey, wake up. This is no place to sleep. Come on, wake up. You'll freeze to death.

Cyril: Youth is a powerful opponent.

Julia: You know what they say, "a day without wine is like a day without sunshine"... or something like that.

Alfred: [introducing commercials at the end of the show] I hope you have enjoyed our program. Seeing a murder on television can help to work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, these commercials will give you some.

Herbert J. Wiggam: Shall we synchronize our watches, Gentlemen?

Molly: Why didn't you let me cook dinner for you and Miss Snooty Nose?