Top 150 Quotes From What We Do in the Shadows

Sean: You know, you're lucky to have a guy like Lasz taking care of you. Colin:
Colin: I guess. Sometimes I think that Lazzo doesn't like me so much.
Sean: Are you kidding me? He loves you.
Colin: He's always saying, "I'm not gonna have you grow up to be a bald-headed, energy-sucking bore."
Sean: Huh, that's why my old man wouldn't let me watch PBS.
Colin: Do you think I'm boring?
Sean: What? You got your little computer pad, and a... stick. And a whole bunch of other neat stuff, right? What else do you like doing?
Colin: Well, I like to go into the basement in the house and smash holes into the wall with a hammer. Like, really hard. Just over and over again. Just smashing and smashing and smashing, and I can't help it. It makes me feel good.
[as he's listening, Sean moves the sling of his firearm to his other shoulder, further from Colin]
Sean: But like, only walls, right? You don't like, uh... smashing a person or something?

Guillermo: Being a vampire is no different than being a human. We're all just doing what it takes to survive. We go on about our day. Blend in. Act like everyone else. But the truth is we're all just hiding in plain sight.

Jim the Vampire: I can see by the look on your face you were never expecting to see me again.
Laszlo: No, you can see by the look on my face I haven't got a fucking clue who the hell you are!

Nandor: [as Sean runs for comptroller] Typically, in a situation such as this, the best move is to identify your opponents and then slaughter them in their sleep.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, I wish, but, uh, no, we just got to get the most votes.

Colin: I'll be honest with you. My lookalike is kind of giving me a chub.

Nadja: I'm sorry, but why did you not answer the telephone?
Guillermo: Because you had me in a cage in the basement!
Nadja: Always an excuse with this wise guy.

Nadja: Yes, they are near. The smell of beef and sulphur is overwhelming.
Colin: That's just Brooklyn.

Laszlo: You can do some impersonations!
Coach: My wife!
Laszlo: There you go! Henry the 8th!

Nandor: I know when I'm not wanted. And this is not one of those times. Come on, boys!

Nandor: I'm not saying that Nadja is hysterical, but she blames everything on witches.

Djinn: Well, you know, I'm used to the questions about penis enlargement because people want to get it right.

Guillermo: Did you have to chain me?
Colin: Uh, no.
Guillermo: Then why did you do it?
Colin: Well, seemed kind of fun.

Nandor: I'm not a creep. I'm just a very powerful and ancient warrior who wishes to marry you.

Colin: I think what's happened is they finally figured out that I don't even know what the hell this company does.

Colin: I'm sorry if my hands are a little oily. It's from my rash cream.

Nadja: [walking into a room filled with feathers] Guillermo, did you kick five holes in the wall and then fuck a chicken?

John: You, uh, you okay back there? You look like shit.
Colin: Well, yeah, I mean, you ran over my foot.

Nadja: I am not going to do trust exercises with a dog!

Charmaine: [catching sight of Sean] Honey! I've been calling for you for like twenty minutes. The garbage disposal's all messed up again.
Sean: [staring worshipfully at Charmaine] You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
Charmaine: [uncertainly] Stop messing around.
Sean: I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. This is for you.
[gives her a handful of trinkets from his pockets]
Sean: It's a token of my undying love.
Charmaine: You emptied out a junk drawer? What the hell is wrong with you?

Colin: All work, no play makes Colin Robinson a dull guy.

Nandor: Listen to me, little man. From Panera Bread you came, and to Panera Bread you shall return.

Nadja: [discussing familiars] Remember Joey?
Laszlo: No, my dear. I'm not that familiar.
[laughs hysterically]

Guillermo: Master, you know I would do anything for you, but I'm not gonna circumcise you.

Guillermo: Why do I always shit in your scenarios?

Nandor: I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing a few times, the magic kind of wears off.

The: All right, so tonight is Friday. Otherwise known in spiritual circles as Freaky Friday.

Nadja: Well, yes, Laszlo is not just my husband, or my number one fuckbuddy, but he is also my best friend.

Nadja: Okay, now we are all friends again, and we're breaking each other's ball.

Colin: [reading] Huh. Says here that sour cream is on sale over at Shop Mart.
Laszlo: Shut up, Colin Robinson.

Laszlo: A fucking sparrow. The lamest of all birds.

Colin: It's like the old adage, you know. Co-workers die, vampire roommates... they're forever.

Nandor: Come on, Guillermo. Not everyone is lucky enough to hold their great-great-great-great grandfather's penis in their hands. I know I certainly would have liked to.

Nandor: Guillermo, if you want to cry, that's fine, we won't judge you. But if you wish to poop your pants, then I'd rather you go somewhere else to do it.

Laszlo: I can play any instrument, apart from bagpipes. They sound fucking terrible to everyone.

Nandor: Well, it was a nice dinner, so you have had a happy birthday to distract you from the fact you will soon die. You are welcome.

Nadja: Rich humans are basically like veal--conceptually repulsive, but so rich on my tongue.

Nadja: Nadja: And he's got an enchanted nutsack as well, apparently.

Nadja: Alright Dr Arsehole, how does your 'Science' explain what we just saw?
Laszlo: Now you see it can be one of two things: One, Mercurial Zyphyria. Two, Esparragos Gases possibly from a Peat Bog. Now, if you capture these, add them together using Yellow Bile from a Plague Victim, you got what looks like a Ghost. But, it's Science.
[Esparragos translates to Asparagus]
Nadja: Ooooooh..
[Nadja gestures with a masturbatory hand gesture with a climatic explosion]
Nadja: Thpttth!

Laszlo: I'm as dry as a nun's doodah.

Nandor: We could get locks for our coffins--inside locks. Does such a thing even exist?

Nadja: My darling, I will see you when we are kissing the ground of your native land, and make love on the bones of those who scorned you.

Nadja: You haven't had an original idea since 1925, when you decided to go down on me for the first time in two hundred years!
Laszlo: Biggest mistake I ever made.
Nadja: You said I tasted like goat's cheese!

Nadja: In conclusion, the two steps to creating a bank account are one, go to bank, two, open account.

Nadja: Something here stinks of a snake's shit.

Nandor: [about Colin] He's a wild card, that one.
Nadja: What are you talking about? He's not a wild card, he's a card you get on the top of a deck that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away.

The: You know, this house does have a belfry filled with local bats. Maybe Laszlo went up there.
Nadja: Oh, so like my darling perverted husband, to sniff out the local bordello immediately upon arrival.

Nadja: Mrs. Nandor the Relentless has joined us, and she fits right in. She looks very like a girl from my village called Celina, but she's just wearing much less pig skin.

Laszlo: [after the nightclub explodes] I think my hat's probably cursed.

Nadja: Guillermo is fine. Just your average weak-boned, broken-foot familiar.

Nadja: [to Nandor] Thirty-seven wives and you still cannot read the room when a woman needs some attention!

Nandor: It's not the best school class I've ever attended, even though it's the only one.

Nandor: If that were to happen, Guillermo... then I will kill you. I would not like to do it, but I would have to do it. And then I would kill myself, which I would not like either.

The: Now Nandor is gone. I was caught in a trap and I told him to leave me behind. And he did. Like, really quickly. Like you would think he would say, "No, I'm not going to leave you behind," just to be nice, but he took off.

Ring: Holy shit, he's Phantom Menacing! Lot of flash... regular Darth Maul, Jr. over here. I call him Darth Small.
[Nandor punches Guillermo out of the frame]
Ring: Ohh! Boom goes the dynamite!

Laszlo: What are those vehicles called that are all brightly colored? Very jolly.
Nandor: Oh... You mean chariots, dragging the corpses of your vanquished foes.
Charmaine: We call them "floats."
Nandor: Yeah. The corpses float also.

Nandor: You mock me. You disrespect me. You contradict me.
Nadja: No we don't.

Djinn: Ninety percent of my business is penis enlargement.

Guillermo: Why did you yank me early?
Colin: That's what she said. Heh heh. I just found out about that series of jokes.

Baron: The Garlic Burns A Little But it.. BAAAAAAH..
[the Baron Tried A Slice of Pizza for the first time then is propelled into building walls like a leaky balloon. Recall the bad reaction Garlic has with Vampires]

Laszlo: This is a huge honor for us, but like all huge honors, it's a pain in the nutsack.

Nandor: What is the point of having a glowing orb section if you're going to put a glowing orb in the monkey paw section?

Laszlo: I didn't become a vampire to end up as pen-bushing bureaucrat. I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever.

Nandor: All you ever do is lay about or tinkle on your piano or have sex with Nadja wherever and whenever you please!
Lazslo: How is that an insult? Sounds to me like life goals achieved, me old fruit.
Nandor: You take and you take and you take. You took the seat in the Honda Element that wasn't behind Sean's seat in the Honda Element, even though you know that Sean likes his seat in the Honda Element pushed right far back, and I have the longer legs!

Laszlo: [after Laszlo and Nandor attempt to hypnotize Sean] I think it's worked... .
Sean: What happened?
Laszlo: [reassuringly] Quite all right, Sean.
Sean: Uh yeah, totally.
[pause]
Sean: Who's Sean?
Laszlo: Shit. He's forgotten everything.

Laszlo: My powers are fading. BAT!
[He turns into a parakeet instead]

The: I hate to say it, but I think it might be... a hex.
Nadja: Do you mean, like, a curse?
The: No, no, curses are just supernatural excuses people make up for being losers. Hexes, on the other hand... that's a real thing.

Nandor: I did all kinds of shit for him that I can't even think of now.

Laszlo: To cut a shit story short, we've been found out.

Nadja: To be honest, I can't really keep track of whatever the fuck is going on around here.

Gustave: Ladies and gentlemen. It was a pleasure for me to suck myself off for you.

Joanna: Now I am here with a local resident who has been watching the situation closely. His name is Nandor...?
Nandor: Nandor, the Relentless.
Joanna: Nandor De Laurentiis.

Nadja: You wouldn't know a punchline if it ran over your scrotum with a penny farthing.

Colin: You can't tell me why I grew a foot and a half overnight, like a human radish.

Nandor: MILFs... . even better.

Colin: Sorry, Fred Mercury... I am the champion!

Guillermo: You know, I've been thinking...
Nandor: Oh, great.

Nandor: Bazinga is the war cry of Sheldon.

Nandor: What is "arise" again? Ctrl-Alt-7?

Nandor: I don't do that.
Laszlo: You do do that.
Nandor: You just said "Doo doo."
Laszlo: Touché. Can we get on with this?

Nandor: Stop throwing stakes. It's rude.

Nandor: But I'm excited for this trip now. It's going to be a real "Eat, Pray, Love" kind of journey for me.
Guillermo: What do you mean? You're going to pray?
Nandor: Well how am I gonna eat if I don't prey on people, dummy?

Nandor: I personally value qualities that cannot be taught. Courage. Relentlessness. Being tall.

Nandor: Is there a reason why you have delayed the bestowal upon me of a giant dick?

Laszlo: If there's anyone that can get to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me. Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms.

Colin: [Mocking vampires' aversion to sunlight] The vampires are always like, ooh, I'm a vampire! I'm immortal! I'm.. Whatever! Well..ok. How 'bout if, uh, you go be immortal at brunch?

Laszlo: I can speak 14 languages, as long as they are English.

Colin: I don't live to drain. I--I drain to live.

Laszlo: We're not going to kill him. It goes against our non-killing agreement.
Nandor: Yes, but it is now necessary to do the humane thing and rip Sean's head off.

Nandor: Creepy Paper

Nadja: Perhaps I'm that one extra piece leftover when a puzzle is already completed and there is no place where it fits. Which is not how a puzzle works, of course. But who gives a shit? That's how I feel.

Jeff: [to Laszlo] Hey, thanks for cutting my head off. Again. You dick.
Nadja: Now, now. He was just doing his husbandly duties.

Nadja: [commenting on her heirloom necklace unwittingly being given to Charmaine by Sean] I suppose it is quite sweet. I'll just get it when they die.

Nandor: Remember: there are no stupid ideas, just stupid people.

Colin: I don't like our seats.
Nadja: You haven't seen them.
Colin: I don't like seats.

Nandor: [who is too drained to move] C-Camera 2, come over here and put your neck in my mouth.

Laszlo: No one here knows I'm a vampire. Apart from the people I've drained and killed, but they're dead now so that that problem's pretty much solved itself.

Laszlo: I don't know how to put this lightly, but you're fucked.

Nandor: We are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you.

Laszlo: After all that nonsense on Staten Island, I cut loose to Pennsylvania. Because it sounds like "Transylvania", and we all know that sounds cool.

Guillermo: [finding a note] "Laszlo sucks". Backwards.
Laszlo: Laszlo doesn't suck. And if he did, he certainly wouldn't do it backwards.

Colin: Well, at least he died doing what he loved: beating off in the toolshed.

Laszlo: Previously on this filmed documentary program, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be.

Nadja: I could sense he was getting more and more sad recently. I could smell it on him, it comes from the groin.

Nandor: You think I was born yesterday? I was born a long time from yesterday.

Laszlo: Now, I've turned my attention to isolating the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation. It's a very complex scientific procedure where I mix his DNA with the DNA of stray animals just to see what shakes.

Nandor: I'll go get my head-ripping gloves.

Nandor: I hate my feelings.

Colin: Make yourself look appetizing, Guillermo. Shake your moneymaker.

Sean: Once we clear Keasbey, it's a straight shot down the Garden State Parkway until we hit the Pine Barrens. And let me tell you, the Pine Barrens is some forest primeval shit.

Guillermo: You just can't walk out into the street like that. You have to look both ways. That's literally rule number one of being human.

Guillermo: I'm beginning to think my whole life is a big pile of bullshit.

The: Time lays waste to all. Love turns to dust. Ruin is inevitable. And all else is prelude.
Sean: He's got a point.

Nandor: So we are taking you out for a birthday dinner. Change into your nicest shitty sweater and we will see you at the restaurant.

Laszlo: She's half-chicken.
Colin: Yeah, no one's perfect.

Nadja: Vampires have always loved child novelty acts. I mean, who knows why.

Lazslo: No, the Jersey Devil is not real.
Nandor: It is just a myth that vampires made up to explain all the dead bodies that we leave in the woods.
Lazslo: Sean may be my best friend, but like all humans, he doesn't realize when he's been fucking had.
Nandor: Sean is your best friend?

Nadja: I know what it is like to watch your entire family die in front of you, and it's not great.

Nandor: [pretending to be Laszlo's spouse] Completely gay. We are like two French trombones.

Laszlo: Well, how high can you fly?
Nandor: Outer space.
Laszlo: Write that down. Maybe not write that down, on the account of it being... bullshit.

Charmaine: Sean? Oh, Seanie...
[Sean is lying on his front lawn on his back, eyes closed, still in his formal outfit from the wedding, but with his pants down around his ankles. Three female joggers run by, averting their eyes]
Sean: [blearily] Shut the fuck up!
Charmaine: What's wrong with you?
[She aims a kick at Sean's ankle]
Sean: Jesus!
Charmaine: What did you do last night?
Sean: Uh, uh... I dunno. I don't remember.
[grins sheepishly]
Sean: I must have really torn one up, huh?
[Charmaine turns away in disgust]
Sean: Wait a minute! Weren't you there?
Charmaine: No! I was in bed by nine o-clock... oh, shit. I think I had one of those CBD gummies Brenda gave me. They make me fucking crazy.
[to Sean]
Charmaine: Just get up!
Sean: That's why you don't do the marijuana!
Charmaine: Oh, my God -- I would never do the marijuana! That...
Sean: What do you think CBD is?

Nadja: Magic can be a very strange and confusing thing, which is why I do not fuck with it.

Nadja: [shopping for a make-a-bear] I am looking for the exact proportions of Venus herself when her pussy was serving witches tea, nipples so sharp they're on the most wanted list, and a taint that can sign its own checks.

Laszlo: [Laszlo running past Nadja, Nandor and Guillermo COVERED in Cats attacking his back, arms and chest he ironically rescued from the Animal Shelter] oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh..
Nandor: Still no thank you ?
[Yelling at the cat covered Laszlo whom the three rescued from the Shelter]
Laszlo: Release your claws, you ungrateful bastards.

Laszlo: I didn't scrape and murder my way to Pennsylvania to watch those talented athletes get fucked off.

Helen: Ever since you have come here, you have brought with you a very dark, spectral... specter.

Laszlo: Gay is in. Gay is hot. I want some gay.

Colin: [about Nandor] You may have fooled him, 'cause he has the IQ of a Russian toilet.

Laszlo: Personally, I'm a man of science.
Nadja: All right then, Dr. Arsehole, how does your "science" explain what we just saw?

Colin: Hey, Siri, play some New Jersey music.
["Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi starts playing]

Nandor: We vampires do not hunt.
Lazslo: Of course we fucking do. We hunt humans.
Nandor: Does that count, though?

Laszlo: [looking at the oblivious Sean] 'Cause he's my best friend, he's my pal. He's my homeboy, my rotten soldier. He's my sweet cheese. My good-time boy.

Nandor: Just look up "Guillermo".
Colin: I'll do this just to show you how dumb you are.

Laszlo: Gizmo, what are you doing out there?
Guillermo: Having a wank?
Laszlo: Ah, good man. Carry on.

Colin: Have a seat. I don't want to take up too much of your time, I know it's valuable. Because there's so little of it left.

The: What's the point of being able to turn into smoke if you're just going to go around using doors?

Nadja: [Guillermo calls the house to warn Nadja, Lazlo and Nandor that a group of Vampire Hunters are coming to kill them. The three listen to the phone message thinking It is "Bloody Mary" who emailed them a Chain Letter] How did Bloody Mary get our Bloody Phone Number?
Laszlo: Her Power has no bounds.

Colin: Energy vampires love a good road trip.

Nandor: I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Nandor: Hello, Guillermo. Did you bring more people to yank on my pee-pee?

Guillermo: I just fear that the hypnosis is making the borough dumber and dumber.
Laszlo: We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice.

Colin: Hey, Mr. Rinaldi, guess what?
Sean: What?
Colin: I don't believe the Jersey Devil is even real.
Sean: All righty, then. I guess it's not my fault if he comes and eats you.
Colin: Okay, well, if he's so real, then what does he look like?
Sean: He's got dragon wings, and a half-goat horse face with a chinstrap beard like an Amish. And he's got hooves and horns, and two low-hanging balls with a button cock on top.
Lazslo: [whispering] Fantastic.
Sean: And he creeps through the Pine Barrens, looking for little kids who don't believe in him.

Nadja: Guillermo, I give you permission to take a break from your breaking.

Nadja: I cannot believe that such a group of fresh, dazzling moonbeams are related to such a gray dud.

Nadja: Lilith, I should have known it was you. Your stinky old stunk was all over it.

Nandor: The problem with Laszlo is that he cannot admit that there's something that even he does not know. He thinks that he knows all things. And if there's one thing I cannot abide, it is someone who's a know-it-all-things.

Guillermo: [smashes a glass one the ground] Why are we all sitting on our asses, let's do something!
Colin: Get a broom.

Nandor: [abut Guillermo] He can run, but he cannot run far. Because he has very short legs.

Laszlo: What kind of goat sorcery is this?

Guillermo: [about Nandor] I think he might be having a midlife crisis. But he's immortal, so I guess maybe more like a crisis-crisis.

Nadja: If you think the missionary position involves lying on top of a missionary, you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!