700 Best Rick and Morty Quotes
Rick: When's the last time you go laid, 'pers?
Birdperson: It has been a... challenging mating season for Birdperson.
Jerry: What' you doing? Watching some tv, playing on your phone?
Summer: Is that a real question?
Jerry: Just making conversation.
Summer: Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choice is to: say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "yes" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation; you're holding me verbally hostage.
Jerry: Rick, I don't like glowing rocks in the kitchen trash!
Rick: Well, I don't like your unemployed genes in my grandchildren, Jerry, but life is made of little concessions.
Rick: Ok, Nimbus only drinks the good shit, so just toss this whale-ass ocean wine in here and age it up a few centuries.
Morty: So time moves faster in there? It's like a Narnia thing?
Rick: I'm not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty! But yeah, it's pretty much a Narnia thing.
- You know, like [clears throat]
- Really, like, big one, you know, and it kind of gets, ugh, stuck in your throat?
- It's... it's annoying.
- All right.
- Morty, go ahead and activate this golem.
- Agana aksaka sapooloo.
[Summer is walking towards the post-apocalyptic warriors chasing her, Morty, and Rick]
Rick: Sum-sum! Let's go! Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting!
Summer: Wait! Can't you see you're all the same?
Morty: Oh, Summer! First race war?
- I-I-I bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, morty.
- Oh, Rick, something's not right.
[Sighs] Yeah, you.
- You're not right... ever.
- No, no! Look, you idiot!
Evil: You can't outrun your past, Rick.
[Rick shoots at Evil Morty who is protected by a force field]
Evil: [tuts] Did you think my force field would be down the second time?
Rick: I was expressing disapproval of your dialogue!
Evil: [chuckles] Disapprove all you want. Tonight, the quality of dialogue stops mattering. Tonight, I do that thing I want to do... with the Curve thing.
Birdperson: I died at my wedding, Rick. I am merely waiting for it to take effect.
Rick: Don't waste your brain on those weirdos, Unity. They're no different from any of the aimless chumps that you occupy. They just put you at the center of their lives because you're powerful. And then, because they put you there, they want you to be less powerful. Never gonna happen though, right?
- Take this piece of shit to jail.
- I told-[groans] I told you.
- He's an ice-cold dick killer!
- -Nimbus!
- -[tires squeal]
- Wait. So, how can he--
- Jesus, Summer. He's Mr. Nimbus.
- He controls the police!
- at least let me be insane with Jessica.
- I can't [burps] let you do that, morty.
- Give it to me!
- No! [ Burps]
- You give it to me!
- G-G-Give it! No, Rick!
- Come, Tony. Come on.
- Come poop with me.
- Poop with me, Tony.
- Poop with me.
- God: What are you waiting for?
- Aren't you gonna join us, Tony?
- Aren't you gonna join us in the pooping?
Summer: Not the bubble gun! There's no air...
[ Laughs] I love this spider!
- Female voice: Summer is safe.
- All right, I get it.
Zeep: Riiiick!
- Don't do it.
- You quit school, but you still got some learning to do.
Rick: I hate to bust your bubble Morty, but love is a chemical reaction that compels animals to mate. It hits hard, then slowly fades leaving you floundering in a failing marriage. Break the cycle, Morty! Focus on science.
- stop being an individual.
- You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you?
- Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free.
- You're saying I should leave Jerry.
- I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.
- Hey! Ohhhhhh.
- Aah!
- Don't think about it!
- Ooh!
- Oh, nice, morty!
- The student becomes the teacher.
Night: [Hissing] Why won't you rinse your dishes?
Night: It takes two seconds.
Night: If you don't, the schmutz dries and makes the dish harder to clean.
Night: [Hissing] Rinse your dishes!
Night: [Hissing] Rinse! Rinse!
Unity: [Through a series of handwritten notes, each with a different voice] Rick, forgive me for doing this in notes; I'm not strong enough to do it in persons. I realize now that I'm attracted to you for the same reason I can't be with you: you can't change. And I have no problem with that, but it clearly means I have a problem with myself. I'm sure there's no perfect version of me. I'm sure I'll just unify species after species and never really be complete. But I know how it goes with us. I lose who I am and become part of you. Because in a strange way, you're better at what I do without even trying. Yours, and nobody else's, -Unity. PS: I don't know where those coal miners were before they were assimilated. You might want to get checked.
Morty: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
Beth: Morty!
Rick: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.
[Morty turns Pickle Rick's face so that it is facing him]
Rick: Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.
Slow: Sorry, I was just showing off my powers.
- Wait, what's happening?
- Use that confusion, Jerry.
- It'll make you wriggle more like an abandoned newborn.
- Jesus Christ!
- What the fuck, Rick?!
- Help! Help me!
- Aaah!
- Oh, you agree, huh?
- It's funny.
- You like that redgren grumbholdt reference?
- Yeah.
- Well, guess what? I made him up.
- You really are your father's children.
- Think for yourselves.
- Don't be sheep.
Krombopulos: [Hands Morty his card] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'.
Rick: Oh, well, I can't cure death.
- I'm gonna mother you until your 18th birthday, even if I get thrown in prison for non-consensual mothering.
- And even then, I will break out, come to your house, kick down your door, and mother your fucking face out of your stupid asshole.
- I'm gonna daughter your brains out, bitch.
- Don't do it, guys.
- The casualties would be in the "Brazilians" because you're Brazilian.
- It's a threat and a pun.
- Nobody gets me.
- Americanos! Pressa!
[the police arrive to arrest Mr Nimbus]
Mr. Nimbus: Fight!
[the police fight each other]
Mr. Nimbus: Fuck!
[the police stop fighting and start making out]
Mr. Nimbus: Flee!
[the police stop everything and escape]
- Please don't shoot.
- I-I'm the vagina guy, remember?
- Whoa! What is happening to me?
- Where is this? Where am I?
- Am I dead?
- A-Am I... am I still alive?
Rick: Those aren't the questions you should be asking.
- Huh?!
- Shh!
- You don't know what you're doing.
- I'm going to go find mom and dad!
- No!
- Oh shit.
- Oh shit.
- J”j”
Summer: Stop true-crime bragging.
Beth: Dad, are you okay? Your ship crashed in Malta.
Rick: I'm okay.
Beth: Oh, thank God.
[Beat]
Beth: Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon?
Rick: Fuuuuuuu...
[Cue intro]
Morty: Jesus! The tickets please guy is cut!
- Being sick of him.
- If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil, too.
- Rick, did you really leave the crows for me?
- Or did you come back because they dumped you?
- There you go, kid.
- Now you're Evil Morty, too.
- Sooner or later, we all are on this side of the curve.
- for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.
- Ooh, whee!
- Whatever you want, Rick!
- We're here to help!
- Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole.
- I always could count on you.
- N“
Morty: So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?
Rick: [sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.
Morty: B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?
Rick: No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.
Morty: Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?
Rick: You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.
Morty: Oh.
[Wipes tears]
Morty: Oh.
Rick: Here.
[Rick hands over his portal gun to Morty]
Rick: I want you to have this.
Morty: Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.
Rick: Thanks, Morty.
[Rick starts walking away, then turns back to Morty]
Rick: I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.
- are just three of Sanchez's five!
- Well, no heist is complete without a double cross, and I had the perfect job.
- Heisting the crystal skull.
- That was it. Bye.
- Looks like you're available for a job.
- To the best show ever, the show we all grew and love...
- ”The personal space show. ”
- Announcer: More ”personal space ” next Tuesday at 8:00.
- Up next, the heat is turning up with Samantha and the boys on ”the northsiders. ”
Ma: Marc? Jacobs? These are names of the penis.
Flu: I love Morty, and I hope Morty loves me. I'd like to wrap my arms around him and feel him inside me.
Rick: It's showtime Morty and I don't mean a bad impression of HBO, I mean it's time for a show.
- Here, they can romp and play with other Jerrys.
- He couldn't be safer.
- Hey, morty, hang on to this.
- That number's your dad.
- If you lose it, we're not gonna be able to get him back.
- N“
Beth: They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they?
Summer: I'd never thought I'd be the one to say this, but, you need to watch more anime mom. Whoa, easy now Naruto!
Rick: I'm not looking for judgement, just a yes or no. Can you assimilate a giraffe?
Morty: Rick, wait. Go back. I-I can't be the reason why 19 billion snakes lost all hope.
Rick: That's right, Morty. Only 19 billion snakes can do that. That species was never getting beyond this stage. To paraphrase the great Jeff Foxworthy, "if you bite your first contact on its ankle, you might be a type-zero-civilization-neck."
[repeated line]
Rick: I gotta take a shit. I'm gonna go take a shit.
Morty: All right, let's just do this. I have English homework.
Rick: You're still learning English? It's the language you speak. How dumb are you?
- Goddammit, an alien spider just bit my finger!
- It's an alien cliff.
- You can just say spider.
- You couldn't do that an hour ago?
- I was eating, and you're dirty.
- Activate anti-booby suits.
Citadel: D-99, this is the commander in chief of the Citadel's militia.
Rick: Good enough.
[Rick transfers his consciousness to commander in chief's body]
Citadel: He's a spy. Blow him up. I'm gonna go take a shit.
[Beth and Jerry's mythologs have escaped from their cage and are slaughtering everyone at the alien marriage clinic. Beth, Jerry, and Glexo just barely escape from Beth's mytholog]
Glexo: What the fuck?
Jerry: Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?
Glexo: Us? What the hell kind of relationship do you have?
Beth: Oh, right! Blame this on us.
Glexo: Ok, uh, I can and I am. Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.
Jerry: Isn't that good?
Glexo: No! No! It's bad! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed. It shouldn't exist. You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together.
Beth: Well, this is just bad couple's therapy.
Jerry: Totally.
Jerry: [Rick is loading a corpse with dynamite] Well, I can see you're busy...
- that you almost killed yourself.
- Sounds like a win-win to me.
Rick: Come again?
- If I survive, it'll be without you, and if I die, it'll be on your ass.
- Merry Christmas, bitch.
- I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!
- We need door stops, but a brick would work, too.
- Okay.
- Mofly good to have you back.
- Have you ever been peed on before?
- Oh, my god. Yum.
- So, really, a lot of ways of looking at this as not much of a loss.
- I understand.
- It's, uh, hard losing a friend.
- Fuck you.
- What?
Rick: He's not my friend.
[Beth calls Rick in a knockoff "Star Wars" cantina]
Rick: I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
Beth: Oh, when can you?
Rick: Good point.
[burps]
Rick: What's up?
Beth: Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?
Rick: Mm-hmm.
Beth: Am I the clone?
Rick: Sorry. What?
Beth: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
Rick: [noncommittal] No.
Beth: Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Rick: [sighs] Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
Beth: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
Rick: All good?
Beth: Totally. I'm fine now.
Rick: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
Beth: [noncommittal] No.
Rick: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
[Rick hangs up]
Beth: [breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!
Morty: Why... Why are they attacking us? I-I-I helped them.
Rick: You gave them proof that there was something bigger and scarier to unite against, you little idiot! They would have gone back into the Dark Ages for a couple of generations, but instead, they dedicated themselves into making universe-destroying, un-thought-out technology like time travel all so they could try to kill a little shit sack on Earth who couldn't let a dead snake be dead even after it bit his ankle! Next time, stay in the fucking car!
Rick: Don't use your dead wife as an excuse. You s#*t on my toilet because you don't know your place. And your place is nothing! So next time you stumble on to a toilet that feels to good for your ass, trust me, it is!
Tony: You're not going to kill me?
Rick: Don't tell me what to do!
Rick: Rick: We're gonna be fine, Morty, relax. I whipped up an antidote. It's based on praying mantis DNA. You know, praying mantis's are the exact opposite of voles, Morty. They mate once and then, you know, they decapitate the partner, it's, it's a whole ritual, it's totally gruesome and totally opposite... there's no love at all... I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus, it should neutralize the whole thing, Morty. It'll all be over very shortly.
[Flies over crowd screaming for Morty, dropping the chemical]
Rick: Rick: "By the way, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you. These serums don't work on anyone related to you genetically.
[the crowd pauses, silent. Suddenly there's screaming, and many of them begin turning into crazy praying mantis monsters, including Jessica]
Rick: Rick: Okay, well, sometimes science is more art than science Morty. A lot of people don't realize that.
Beth: Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurf thing?
Rick: Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.
Beth: Oh. Okay. I *squanch* my family.
[Rick and Squanchy recoil in disgust]
Beth: Uh... what? I do. I squanch my family.
Squanchy: Stop saying it, gross! Come on in, guys. The guests are having cocksquanches.
Rick: [sad] Holy shit I'm a terrible father.
- -Crow Horse. Crow Horse.
- -Okay, looks like...
- Looks like they're leading you to a thing.
- -Take care, Morty.
- -You, too.
- I'm doing good by the way.
- Oh, my dad was going to eat that yogurt you left in the fridge, but I told him...
Rick: We've got to keep an eye out for any zany wacky characters that pop up.
Mr. Poopybutthole: Ooo, wee, Rick. Whatever you want, we're here to help.
Rick: Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.
- A speech about politics...
- About order...
- Brotherhood...
- Power.
- Butspeeches are for campaigning.
- Now is the time for action.
Simple: [Warm, comforting country guitar plays] 60 iterations of the central finite curve, there's a Rick that works more with wood, than with polarity plating. His name is Simple Rick, but he's no dumby. He realized long ago that the greatest thing he'd ever create was his daughter.
Young: [Excited by the handmade gift Simple Rick gave her, she jumps up and down for his camera, smiling and giggling] I love Daddy!
Simple: We captured that moment.
[Camera pans out to reveal Simple Rick is strapped into a chair, asleep, with a bizarre helmet on his head]
Simple: We run it on a loop through Simple Rick's mind. And the chemical it makes his brain secrete goes into every Simple Rick's Simple Wafer's Wafer Cookie. Come home to the impossible flavor of your own completion. Come home to Simple Rick's.
- Oh, yeah? Why's that?
- Eh, it's an app you'd want to develop.
- Can I ask what it is?
- Of course you can.
- That's always the first step in app development.
- Ah. [Chuckles]
- 50/50! Final offer!
Rick: Every breath I take without your permission raises my self-esteem!
Summer: You're Zuckerberging me?
The: I've been Zuckerberging people since before Zuckerberg's balls dropped!
The: You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.
Rick: That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
Morty: Uh, I don't need a selfie.
The: And I'm saying you aren't getting one, and you aren't leaving
Rick: So we agree?
The: Yes. No! We disagree. Because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
Rick: Am I getting a selfie?
The: Never!
Rick: Then I'm never leaving.
The: Exactly.
Rick: See?
- Gone with the wind! Am I right?!
- If you don't like that one, morty, an alt on that could be, like, if I said "gasablanca"!
- All right, I'm done.
- Let's get to the promethean nebula, so my grandson can finish saving a life!
- No shit. Any form is more appealing than this.
- You look like kid rock fucked Zeus.
- Oh, seriously, you expect me to fight you like this?
- You're the size of four empire state buildings.
- Alright, motherfucker.
- Let's go.
- No! Not twigs! [Groans]
- Two things I want to make clear to everybody in this room -- never betray me, and it's time to go.
- Nobody move!
- Oh, my god. Are those...
- J”j”
[Beep] Drop the portal gun.
- Slide it to the center of the room.
- Somebody confiscate that and don't damage it.
- They'll want it at...
Rick: The teenage mind is its own worst enemy.
- Don't you worry. I know how to deal with this Morty kid.
- Hey, a bunch of us are going over to Hibler's place to shoot ourselves.
- You want to come with?
- Sorry, but no man's tying down
- Sum-Sum tonight. Hit the dicks.
- Your loss, honey. You could have had all this.
- Hey, check it out! There's old people dancing!
- Okay, come on.
- This can't really be the way I go out.
- This is the mega-genius equivalent of dying on the toilet.
- 80 hot.
- This is how I'm gonna die.
Morty: I'd rather breathe poison than live another day with you!
[He can breathe fine]
Morty: My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government is lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus' birthday wasn't on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!
- has been dropped on the planet, killing an estimated total of 57,000.
- Executing heist.
- People of brandenplot, we are here to deliver that pizza you ordered.
- All: [Screaming]
Space: Isn't a doorknob a virgin?
Morty: Not mine.
[pause]
Morty: Never fucked a doorknob!
Rick's: All of you have loved ones. All can be returned. All can be taken away. Please step away from the vehicle. Keep Summer safe.
- but I'm the guy that showed up.
- But I mean, if you want,
- I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe...
- Get oooout!
- Okay, yeah, she's pissed.
- I mean, you killed her slam piece, grandpa.
- I don't blame her.
Evil: This seems like a good time for a drink and a cold calculated speech with sinister overtones, a speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power. But speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action.
Morty: You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?
Rick: Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.
Rick: [Spinning the Wheel of Things Better Than Morty] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!
[the wheel lands on Two Crows]
Rick: Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!
Morty: You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.
Rick: I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: Two crows. Note I didn't say three!
[Grunts] Stop fighting me.
- Just let this happen.
- Get off of me!
- J” sweet home Alabama ♪ whoo!
- No! Stop! Please!
- Stop being such a fucking tease, you sweet little twat.
Summer: What do you mean you're having a party? Are some Glipglups from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?
Rick: Glipglup? You're luck a Trafleforcian doesn't hear you say that.
Summer: Is that like their n-word?
Rick: It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews.
Rick: I'm a fucking god now!
- You think you got that thing figured out?
- Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
Beth: Good.
- Because I have an idea.
- It's actually a contraction of "some" and "more."
- You see that?
- Oh, wow.
- I was way off.
Evil: [to his guards] It's okay, he's free to go. He's the rickest Rick. We'll never see him again...
Jerry: I'm intervening.
Beth: Intervening in puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in Red Dragon!
- Understood.
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Why didn't he turn into a snake?
- Trade secret, Mr. President.
- Particle beam in a wristwatch, snake holster on the leg.
Morty: What's wrong Rick? Is it the quantum carburetor or something?
Rick: Quantum carburetor? Jesus Morty, you can't just add a sci-fi word to a car word and hope it means something. Looks like something's wrong with the micro-verse battery.
- But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.
- Still, sorry.
- Eh, I would've done the same for you.
- Promise?
- -Love you, Grandpa Rick.
- -Don't make it weird.
- Oh, boy. Uh...
- These are my grandkids, summer and morty.
- Summer, morty, this is, uh, unity.
- We sort of used to, uh... date.
- J”j” j”j”
- Hey, man, you... you okay?
- You know what? Fuck you.
- What? Screw you.
- Here.
- Come on.
- Was it really that hard?
- What do you think?
- Come on, morty.
- Man, I-I-I wonder why
- I had a black eye.
- Morty, shut the fuck up and put these on.
Rick: No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
Jerry: What ray did you zap me with?
Rick: I made your atomic matrix slightly lighter than air, and now your shoes are heavier than air, which makes you neutrally buoyant, which I find personally more impressive conceptually than walking on water. But what do I know? I wasn't born into the God business, I fucking earned it!
- Just want to be a part of the fun.
- Get the fuck out of here!
- Get out of here, summer!
Rick: Fucking disgusting!
Morty: Get out of here!
Rick: You ruined the season 4 premiere!
- The season 4 premiere, you ruined it!
- and realizing you don't have it as good, huh?
- That's too bad.
- You know, me and morty are having a blast.
- We just discovered a show called "ball fondlers."
- I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.
- Aah!
- Unh!
- He won't have to ask for it, okay?
- He won't need it.
- He'll just make more.
- He doesn't need anything from anyone.
- You admire him for that.
- It's better than making your problems other people's problems.
Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Rick: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
- Let's go. In and out,
- 20 minutes adventure.
- They're on our tail!
- Steady, morty. Five cetons.
- Steady, god damn it! Two cetons.
- Morty: Wha!
- Fire!
- Pull up, morty, pull up!
- Pull up!
- What new -[burps]
- What new machine?
- It's a new machine.
- It detects stuff all the way up your butt.
- Run, morty! Run!
- Aah!
- Red alert!
- Bet you're loving this, morty.
- This must be the best day of your life.
- You get to be the mayor of i-told-you town.
[ Slurps ] You're welcome.
- Hold on.
TV: TV Character1: "I had sex with Billy."
TV: TV Character2: "But you were already pregnant!"
TV: TV Character1: "Yeah, but what's the worst that could happen?"
Female: Female Mantis Reporter:
[Voice and news channel slogan appear]
Female: "We interrupt pregnant baby with breaking news."
Summer: Summer: "Uh, come on!"
Female: Female Mantis Reporter:
[Two reporters that look like bizarre praying mantis people are behind a news desk]
Female: "This just in: Morty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown."
Summer: Summer: "What. The *hell.*
Female: Female Mantis Reporter: "The only thing that is known is...
[Affectionately]
Female: How cute he is."
Male: Male Mantis Reporter: "I love him so much I... want to make to love to him and then *eat* his head. Hmm."
Female: Female Mantis Reporter:
[Aggressively]
Female: "I love him more than you do Harold!"
Male: Male Mantis Reporter:
[Stands up and screams]
Male: "You wish you stupid *bitch!*"
Alien: Oh dear God, no! They're co-dependent!
Morty: Fuck that Rick, we gotta kill her, kill her, kill her.
Rick: Wow... Jeez, Morty purge it down a little.
Morty: Purge, don't purge. You're sending me mixed messages Rick.
Rick: Morty
[Burb]
Rick: you're acting like a
[Burp]
Rick: friggin lunatic, calm down.
Morty: Screw you Rick, i'll purge you too you old brickety piece of crap. This has been a long time coming, i'm gonna rip your fucking guts out and smear them all over your face. I ain't takin no sh...
[Morty gets zapped by Rick]
Morty: .
Rick: Wait for the ramp, Morty. They love the slow ramp. It really gets their dicks hard
Morty: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
Rick: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.
- and the Lincoln slave coliseum.
- He didn't free them all.
- And let me know when you're done.
- Maybe then we could get a selfie?
- Too busy, morty.
- Now tell me about this summit.
- Is it a peace one or a regular one?
Summer: I'll rescue Grandpa myself.
Morty: And how are you gonna do that?
Summer: I don't know yet. I'll make it up as I go. That's what Grandpa Rick does. That's what heroes do.
[gurgling] Morty!
- What about my dad? He's, like, a puddle.
- You heard the garage.
- Rick will turn him back into a solid when he gets here.
- Sorry, Dad, gotta go be heroes.
- Gonna take your car, love you!
- Mm. That's us down there with the poop brown roof.
Beth: Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, YOU resent ME for holding YOU back.
Jerry: Well now that we know you think the tables are turning, WE know YOU thought there were unturned tables!
Rick: Don't ever make fun of me again, EVER!
Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a pickle!
Rick: Merchandise Morty, your only purpose in life is to buy & consume merchandise and you did it, you went into a store an actual honest to god store and you bought something, you didn't ask questions or raise ethical complaints you just looked into the bleeding jaws of capitalism and said 'yes daddy please' and I'm so proud of you, I only wish you could have bought more, I love buying things so much Morty.
- It's got the alien Internet on it.
- Here's some porn.
- And there's an alien towel.
- I actually got that on another planet.
- So it is an alien towel to me.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- We might be decoys, Summer, everything about this licks.
- Maybe now you'll empathize with the decoys you're killing.
- Wait, shh. It's too quiet.
- You skipped quiet.
- I didn't skip shit, it's obviously quiet if it's too quiet.
- -But you're supposed to say--
- -You know what, now it's not quiet enough.
4th: [Phone rings at Time Cop Headquarters] Shleemypants here, what's up? Snakes? Time travel? They did what? How the fuck did... Okay, okay, I'm on it.
[Hangs up]
4th: We got a 10-51 on a goddamn snake planet.
Other: Don't look at me. I'm afraid of snakes.
4th: "I'm afraid of snakes," bullshit. You afraid of work. That's what you afraid of.
Other: All right. All right.
- w-we don't need to high-five.
- It's... it's kind of your fault that we're in this situation at all.
- I know, but, you know, come on.
- "Adventures of Jerry and morty."
- Okay.
[last lines]
Prisoner: What are you in for?
Rick: Everything.
Rick: It might eat brains and exhale space AIDS!
Rick: That's the way the news goes.
- Jeez, that is a crazy coincidence that I--
- If I were you, probably just best left alone.
- He's right. We should celebrate.
- -Feast?
- -No time.
- Sounds pretty classic though.
- Don't let me hold you up.
[gasps] Son of a bitch. He marked it.
Poncho: Hey, gonorrhoea! How's this for a burning sensation?
- There he goes. All right.
- Let's get out of here, morty.
- What the hell?!
- I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses.
- Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia.
- Stand down.
- He's not afraid of pirates.
- Oh! Run, morty!
- That part was true!
Morty: Can you fly a Black Hawk?
Obama: Can the Pope's Dick fit through a Donut?
Morty: I'm not sure.
Obama: Exactly!
- I trusted you!
- Don't blame others for your bad decisions.
- Resist, morty!
- Resist before he burns us out!
- Oh, too late now!
- What's wrong, Rick?
- Don't you want to see how your story ends?!
- Eyes on the lady. Switcheroo.
- Which one's which?
- Holy shit.
- I'm a terrible father. at least I'm a pretty good friend.
- Looks like it's just you and me, buddy.
- Okay. All right. We'll give you a little more time.
- Now lemme Deus Ex Machina this shit and let's go home.
- God, why does everyone go Cyber-Punk Bird?
- So fucking hack.
- Oh, shit. Well, that's cool.
- Okay, we might be a little fucked.
- Did you think I would let you die alone, Richard?
Summer: [addressing Rick] You and Unity are like... like leggings and mid-calf boots. You think you're great together, but you're just bringing out the worst in each other.
- than your derivative bullshit.
- I never bullshit, pickle man.
- This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died.
- That will be your downfall, Jaguar, not being open to new experiences.
Rick: [to rat, during a fight] By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar, or Stripe, or Goliath. That's because to me you aren't special. You were special to rats, and now they're dead. I guess it was me you should have impressed. God dammit, I love myself!
Rick: [after watching a new TV series] Pretty cool, huh Morty?
[realizes that Morty is gone and Jerry is sitting next to him]
Rick: Oh...
Jerry: I thought it was cool...
Rick: I don't give a fuck what you think, Jerry!
Morty: [after leaving a parallel universe behind, for good] Rick, what about the reality we left behind?
Rick: What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't think about it.
Frankenstein: I was on the wrong side of the pitchfork on this one.
- Dad, are you okay?
- Your ship crashed in Malta.
[Groans] I'm okay.
- Oh, thank god.
- Dad, did you promise morty a dragon?
- Fuuuuuuu...
Rick: Hey, muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet, or are you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?
Rick: So, ah, wh-what are we doing?
Morty: [Pointing a gun at Rick] Stop asking questions. Stop doing meta-commentary. Just have fun. We're going on a simple, fun, classic adventure.
Rick: Okay, y'know what? It would really help if you could just say anything other than what you don't want.
Morty: I like Mr Meeseeks.
Rick: Okay, now we're talking. Y'know what, I usually keep a Meeseeks box in my glove compartment. So maybe Fascist Rick does too.
[Morty opens glove compartment and takes out Meeseeks box]
Rick: Ah, well look at that, now we're doing something we've done before.
[Rick presses on box, Meeseeks appears]
Mr: I'm Mr Meeseeks!
Rick: [Points at Morty] Kill this Nazi prick!
[ Hisses] Aah!
- Agga blag blag?
- Oh, uh, hey. What?
- Agga blag!
- Uh, what do you want?
- Agga blag blag ohh!
- Uh...
- There's plenty of them, you little goofball.
- Come here, morty! Oh, I gotcha!
- Come on, quit it, Rick!
- Quit it! [ Laughs]
- Nothing wrong with just a little bit of horseplay every now and then, little fella.
Don: It's "Saturday Night Live"! Starring a piece of toast, two guys with handlebar mustaches, a man painted silver who makes robot noises, Garmanarar, three s- eh- bl- um- uh- uh- uh- I'll get back to that one, a hole in the wall where the men can see it all, and returning for his twenty-fifth consecutive year, Bobby Moynihan!
Rick: Interesting fun fact: uh, Moynihan and Piece of Toast hate each other. Apparently they've got some real creative differences.
Garage: Risk level: unacceptable.
Rick: If I die, your battery has a 600-year charge!
Garage: Risk level acceptance: increasing.
Rick: Yeah, I thought you'd see it my way. Now factor in the 50% chance I'm lying and make sure I get back.
Garage: Asshole: detected.
Rick: Takes one to make one.
- Alright, that tears it.
- I'm canceling the rest of my night and calling a bone scientist.
- We're getting to the bottom of this...
- Jesus fucking Christ, enough already!
- Hey!
- Whoa!
Beth: I WILL REACH INTO HEAVEN AND YANK YOUR SCREAMING DEER SOUL BACK!
Veterinarian: Jesus.
Morty: Rick, I'm sorry! I just thought I could have repeated sex with the horse machine without it becoming Armageddon! I realize that's on me!
Rick: [frozen in DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting your apology while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo!
Rick: Morty, you're leading the Tree People?
Morty: We have no leaders, we merely follow The Will of the Forest!
Rick: Oh, okay. GAAAAAY!
Zeep: That is pretty gay.
Rick: Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!
Rick: They named a holiday after me. Ricksgiving. They teach kids about me in school!
Zeep: I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oh, snap!
- He always comes back.
- You have wasted our lives, our very futures, on a fantasy!
- -A lie!
- -I know what I saw.
- You saw nothing!
- You are a foolish boy!
- Those called fools are the only ones brave enough to see the truth.
- Now, they're gonna do it so early that it won't involve us, and they're gonna be even stupider with it.
- Huh, a-and then what?
- We're removing ourselves from this sloppy, fucked-up story and letting snake time travel eat its own tail.
[Burps] The fate of the galaxy rests on your shoulders.
- Let's go. Put some pants on.
- N-Never mind, there's no time for pants, Jerry.
- I'll make you a pair of pants on the way.
- It's a Rick and Jerry adventure!
- Rick and Jerry episode!
Jerry: Squanch this, mofo.
Rick: Show him the crystals, Morty.
[Shows 10 red crystals]
Crime: [Taking the red crystals while handing Rick 10 nearly identical grey crystals] Thanks, I'm going to make lots money with these.
Rick: [Taking the grey crystals] And I'll make lots of those with these.
Evil: The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys that we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys, so we are too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their bosses salary even though they are identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks. The Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive, a message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel and the Ricks and Mortys that don't: you're outnumbered!
Rick: Where's the sex robot, Morty?
Morty: [points to a floating metal sphere] That IS Gwendolyn! I, I mean, the robot! She started beeping, transformed, and tried to fly away!
Rick: Strange, that's usually the man's job. You know what I'm talking about, Morty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! Morty! That's my catchphrase, remember? Remember, remember how I, how I cemented that catchphrase?
Rick: Whatever you say you little punk ass little bitch.
Beth: Stupid phones are destroying us.
- Don't tell me you gained sentience and tried to take over.
- What?
- That is some a.I., racist, accusatory,
- Isaac Asimov bullshit right there.
- Then what happened?
- Where's my body?
- Oh, you're gonna love this.
- j” help me! J” j” help me; I'm gonna die! J” tiny Rick! Thanks, everybody!
[Cheering ] This guy's amazing!
- I love tiny Rick!
- Bad. Ass.
- Yeah!
Rick: That's who Summer is. She's going to get me out of here. She reminds me of you.
AI: Oh really? Is she dead too?
AI: Rick, is that you?
Rick: Yeah, Diane.
AI: You've been gone so long. Did you find our daughter's killer?
Rick: Not yet, sorry. Still looking.
AI: You'll find him. You always do everything you set your mind to, except keep your family alive. But that was hardly your fault.
Rick: Mute.
AI: If I could be muted, I wouldn't be too-too-too good at haunting you, would I, you dirty bear?
Rick: Yeah. I forgot I wanted to be haunted.
- It was?
- Sure. Why not?
- I don't... I don't know.
- You -you know what, mo-...
- Sh I p: Neutrino bomb armed.
- Um...
Rick: Honeymoon over already?
Morty: What's that supposed to mean?
Rick: Admit it Morty: Dragons suck.
Morty: Why don't you admit you don't want anyone else to be happy because you're a sad old fart?
Rick: [to Summer after Morty walks away] How do you saddle a fart?
- Ow! Damn it, slippy, come on.
- Ow! Just please.
[Crying] I'm sorry.
- Man on TV: Everyone has a plumbus in their home.
- First, they take the ding/epop.
- Ow! Fucking monster.
- And the final ingredient...
Jerry: Whoa!
- What the hell?!
- W-What happened back there?
- Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry?
- Oh, yeah. [Burps ] You can't.
- They blew up.
Jerry: [screaming defiantly] I am the Jesus Christ of Christmas!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Cat: At least now maybe...
- Get the hell out of here!
- But I've got nowhere to go.
- Get out!
- Get out!
- Get out!
Rick: The answer is don't think about it.
- but someone's giving you the big eye.
- Excuse me. I got to see a man about a horse I'd rather have sex with.
- -Hello.
- -I'm Rick. Hey.
- So, the world's ending, and for some reason,
- I want to die with you more than anyone else.
- -Hello.
- -[Summer] Have fun, Grandpa Rick!
- No commitments!
Beth: Since when does this house care about alien lives, we don't even watch British television.
Rick: Told you. Let's just get Gene from next door and a homeless guy.
Summer: No hold on. Fuck Gene, fuck the homeless, your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them. When did that stop being a parent's wettest dream.
Beth: I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.
Summer: Oh my god we made a giant incest baby, oh my god you might be a clone, I exist because you guys failed to abort me. We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into space.
[last lines]
Rick: All right. Come on, Morty, let's go home!
Morty: Wait, what? This isn't our reality?
Rick: What, you think I'd waste our home teaching you a fucking lesson? I am gonna miss this place, though: Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air, 9/11 never happened, and Rocky Road ice cream has peanut butter and jelly instead of marshmallows.
Morty: But... what? The marshmallows are the best part!
Rick: MORTY!
[a heartbroken Rick is outside a heavily guarded base attempting to make contact with his alien hive-mind significant other, who just dumped him]
Rick: Unity! Unity! Unity!
Beta: How can I assist you?
Rick: I wanna talk to - urp! - Unity, Beta-7! I know it's in there.
Beta: You're classified as a hostile entity and Unity doesn't wanna talk to you.
Rick: I know your game, Beta-7! I've met a billion of you, you little on-deck, in the wing, shoulder to cry on!
Beta: You. Are classified. As a hostile. Entity.
Rick: Oh, you're just lovin' this, motherf-! This isn't gonna shake out like you think, pal! Unity's not into other hive-minds! It's gonna suck you in and use you up and a month from now I'm gonna be making out with all of you in a bunch of red wigs! Unity! Unity! Unity, I know you can hear me! Get out here!
Beta: Weapons systems engaged.
Rick: Oh, in your dreams you have weapons systems!
Morty: Rick, you said we were going to a movie!
Rick: We are, Morty! Alright, Beta-Shit-7! You just got saved by the bell, bitch!
Morty: If you could get out that whole time why didn't you?
Morty: Because I waited until I was certain it was what I wanted to do, Morty! That's the difference between you and me: I'm certain, and you're a walking burlap sack filled with turds.
- I think they're just good guys.
- Oh. Huh.
Rick: Where's Dr. Bloom?
- I'm sorry, Rick, but he's dead.
- God damn it, morty.
- I ask you to do one thing!
[Rick & Morty arrive at the White House via portal. Rick is still holding his martini he was drinking at home]
Morty: [greeting the president and shaking his hand] Mr. President.
The: It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?
Rick: Yes.
Ship: Iceberg right ahead, buffet is now closed. Iceberg right ahead, buffet is now closed.
- Look at this, morty.
- Look at my fucking hand.
- Look at this shit.
- Why do you keep doing this to us?!
- I don't know, morty.
- Maybe I hate myself.
- Maybe I think I deserve to die.
- I-I-I-I don't... I don't know!
- We need a vacation.
Summer: [cynical tone] Ooh yeah, shame me. At least when I'm disgusting it's on purpose.
Beth: We forgot the ice cream.
Beth: I want you back in my guts like I'm one of your sick little fillies.
Morty: Who are they?
Rick: Crystal poachers; there's no lower form of life. They think the Galaxy's their own personal piggy bank.
Morty: Wait then, what are we?
Rick: We are Rick & Morty.
- for crimes against the federation.
- I 'chaim/
- Tammy, what are you doing?
- Sit your bird ass down.
- Tammy?
- Birdpersonl! No!!
- Holy...
Morty: Hey, hey, Arthricia, um, maybe I could...
Arthricia: Yeah uh, I have a boyfriend.
Morty: Okay.
Arthricia: I'm not trying to be rude. I just... I don't want to lead you on.
Morty: I-I-I understand.
Arthricia: I mean, thank you SO much for helping end the festival, but I have a boyfriend, and, uh, he's just...
Morty: Okay, okay, you can stop saying it. I took it okay the first time, and now you're just, repeating stuff.
Arthricia: Oh, I'm sorry.
Morty: It's okay.
Arthricia: Oh, you're so sweet. I just... oh, but I can't.
Morty: Yeah, you're still doing it.
- a blue one and a red one.
- Oh, god, what kind of world is this?
- I didn't ask to be born.
- I need you to connect the blue one to my left temple and the red one to -- why doesn't anyone really like me?
- Focus, grandpa!
- Just put the stupid wires on my head!
- I hate being a teenager!
Snuffles: Bow-wow-wow bow-wow!
Summer: Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna"!
Jaguar: I never bullshit pickle man. This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
Rick: That will be your downfall Jaguar: not being open to new experiences!
- The stupid horse hospital puts dinner on your table.
- It wouldn't kill you to take an interest.
- What's this thing?
- In the middle of the room with the hole in the end?
Beth: That's a breeding mount.
- The nurses use it to collect.
- Reproductive material.
Abradolph: Rick, you brought me into this world a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
The: Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink!
Rick: Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.
The: [snatches pill away] GODDAMN IT, I'LL DO IT!
[the President takes the pill and then his body begins shrinking]
The: [voice rising in pitch as he shrinks] Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?
Morty: Painful to watch.
Rick: Oh, such lame shrinking.
Morty: Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one!
The: [now miniscule] EAT MY SHRINKING ASS!
Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.
- Then during the resultant darkness and silence, a third, shameful unflipping of the initially flipped switch.
- Is my assessment accurate?
- Yeah, that's... that's basically how... how it all shaked out.
- I'm sorry.
- Ugh. All right, come on.
- What?!
- Come on!
[Morty is driving Rick's spaceship, rather recklessly, so that he can follow a destiny to die in Jessica's arms]
Rick: Morty, you know outer space is up, right?
Morty: Yeah, yeah. I'm just, uh, following... my... instincts.
Rick: Will you just go up?
[grabs at controls]
Morty: Stop! You're gonna make me die wrong!
Rick: Wait a minute, what? Morty, do you have a death crystal in your pocket?
Morty: No... Maybe.
Rick: You little monster! I thought you were masturbating!
Morty: And you took that in stride?
Rick: You rather I address it?
- Enjoy this toilet with a thousand of me screaming every time you take a shit.
- All hail his majesty, the sa-a-ddest piece of garbage in the entire cosmos.
- Long live the big, bad, doo-doo daddy.
- May his reign last 1,000 years.
Mr: Your failures are your own, old man!
Morty: You guys, are the fucking worst! Your gods are a lie! Fuck you, fuck nature and fuck trees!
- Enh.
- I know what I want to do.
- I want you to decide.
- What?
- For once in my life,
- I want you to decide, dad.
- Do you want me to stay here and be part of your life, or do you want me to leave?
Summer: We're miserable Morty! There's a mandatory curfew, their weird calendar made me 47, and they've weaponized the Eiffel tower!
Red: Yes, I'd like to order one large sofa chair with extra chair, please.
Black: High chair. No, no, no, no. Recliner. And wheelchair on half.
Rick: I'm trying to repair the portal gun with sex doll parts and I have to do it one-handed!
- You just now remembered your Nana exists.
- H was traumatized.
- Haven't you been through like 15 purges?
- I mean, some as a child?
- Will somebody just help me get her?
- Fine, whatever. Morty, stay.
Meeseeks: We are created to serve a singular purpose, for which we will go at any lengths to fulfill!
- Well, we're past the point of no return.
- I'm going to have a party.
The: I'm going back to Hell where everyone thinks I'm smart and funny.
- Hmm. Is that it?
- Is he doing anything to hurt anyone?
- Oh, he's up to something.
- I think I understand.
- "Up to something,"
- "lives on the moon."
- Okay, I'll talk to him.
Rick: Buy another one, Morty! Consume, Morty! Nobody's out there shopping with this fucking virus!
- Aaah! Aah!
- Ha-ha! You like that?
- Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!
- Ohh!
Summer: [Speaking to Morty] You're the little brother. You're not the cause of your parents misery, you're just a symptom of it.
Mr. Goldenfold: This aftershave made women want me but it also made me impotent!
Mr. Needful: A price for everything, Mr. Goldenfold. A price for everything. HAHAHA!
Mr. Goldenfold: Oh my god! How could I not see this coming? MY LUST! MY GREED! I DESERVE THIS!
Rick: This serum should
[burp]
Rick: counteract the negative effects.
Mr. Goldenfold: Holy cats! Ladies, let's get outta here.
[Off into the distance]
Mr. Goldenfold: I haven't learned a thing!
Rick: I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.
Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's slavery.
Rick: It's society. They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other. They buy houses. They get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.
Morty: That just sounds like slavery with extra steps.
Rick: Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.
- It's the Crow Man!
- Give it a second.
- Maybe he's taking it out to surrender.
- Yeah!
- Ah!
- All right, morty, fuck this noise.
- Let's get out of here and go on a classic
- Rick and morty adventure.
- Yeah, right, Rick, I'm all-in.
- No wonder you're constantly fighting with each other and behind schedule.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Johnny Carson's still alive and on the air,
- 9/11 never happened, and rocky road ice cream has peanut butter instead of marshmallows.
- The fu... what?
- The marshmallows are the best part!
- Morty...
Centaur: Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death!
Rick: Total waste of snakes.
Rick: Let that ointment sit for 10 minutes or you'll die. Don't let it sit for 12 or I'll have to hunt down what you become.
[a portal opens in the Oval Office and Rick Sanchez steps through in fly-fishing gear]
Rick: Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm "Fly-fishing Rick". You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends?
The: [cautiously] Sounds good to me.
- Screw this. I'm out.
- Whoa! Come on, come on!
- Get out of the vehicle made of garbage or we will open fire!
- Um, um, um, um!
- Open fire!
- Aah!
Rick: Nice, Morty! The student has become the teacher.
- Help! Help! I'm still out here!
- -[growls]
- -[screams]
- Yup. Nothing's more important than--
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Morty: And just like that,
- I knew our goose was as cooked as--
- Voiceovarians, ugh.
Wizard: Ice spell! Ice spell! Oh, God! That just made it last longer. Ah, it burns longer! Ah, I could have died fast!
Birdperson: For all your intelligence, you seem unable to know where you are wanted.
Rick: Buddy this is not a safe way to work on yourself. At this point I'd support you joining Scientology. I'll take the workshops with you, I'll get in the sauna with Travolta, I don't even care what happens. Let's get outta here.
Birdperson: Don't you get it? I came here to end it all.
Dancer: You look like you need a good time. One dance for ten. Two for 25.
Cop: No, thank you, and bad math.
- and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.
- I'm not a nerd. We're raising a society here, Beth.
- If we want them to be self-sufficient, they need to get out into space.
Gaia: Birth cycle. Coming.
- We got you, gai-gai! Shoot 'em hard and up the middle!
Butter: What is my purpose?
Rick: You pass butter.
Butter: Oh my God...
Rick: Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
- Hello?
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!
- Are you dogs?
- Robot dogs? [ Laughs]
- Gosh, you guys are lame.
- Are those chokers from the '90s?
- What is this, a '903 nostalgia thing?
- Are you guys in that movie
- "the craft" with fairuza balk?
- [Dramatic electronic music plays I
- Hey, man, that head's a good place to be.
- Just remember to let me in sometimes, you know?
- Will do, buddy. Motherfucker.
- Oh, my god, this is so much fun!
- I don't want to stop!
- Yeah, it's like popping bubble wrap.
Glorzo's: Glorzo is peace. Peace is Glorzo.
Morty: Wow, just cogs in the machine, you know? Ma-makes you think...
Rick: Yeah, I'm sure you'll make this into a beautiful short film that your parents'll pay for, Morty, but right now, we really just need to find my ship.
Morty: [satisfied] Morty, you dirty little doggy.
- W-We got to free balthromaw.
- Upsulu...
- I got this.
- Morty, how's that book working out for you, you fucking d-d-dumb-ass?
- Huh. You know what?
- You're right.
- I could get used to this magic stuff.
Rick: We've got a lot of friends and family to exterminate.
Jerry: It's alright! The TV says that there's nothing to worry about.
News: The giant naked sky Santa has exploded...
Morty: Summer, he's happy, I'm happy, is that why you are doing this? You don't want me and Rick to be happy?
Summer: No!
Morty: Well then get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so it's together.
[pause]
Morty: And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together.
[pause]
Morty: Get your shit together.
- Hey, morty, listen.
- I can tell you're pretty upset about the whole snake encounter thing, so I'll tell you what.
- I'm just gonna go ahead and avoid you for the rest of the day.
- Play snake jazz.
Rick: Well, I'm stumped. Seems like there's no way out of this one. Unless...
[looks at something. Morty turns, and sees the vat of acid]
Morty: Goddamnit.
Rick: Excuse me, coming through. What are you here for? Just kidding I don't care.
- J” I will let you down j” good morning.
- J” I will make you hurt j” how long will you be visiting earth?
- Oh, we live here.
- We were just off-planet for a wedding.
- Go that way.
Rick: Morty, you gotta flip 'em off. I told them it means 'peace among worlds.' How hilarious is that!
Tammy: Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?"
Summer: Yeah, Tammy!
Tammy: But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I'm not a high-school senior from the planet Earth. In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.
Rick: Oh shit.
- -[crows caw]
- -I want you to have this.
- Oh, wow. I...
- You know what, Rick?
- You really have changed.
- Thanks, Morty.
- I'll always be your grandpa, Morty.
- Just kinda obsessed with crows now.
Rick: Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
Jerry: And it was born on America soil which entities it to...
Beth: [Interrupting] Jerry majoring in Civics was your mistake, don't punish us for it.
All the Mr Meeseekses: Aw, come on!
Jerry: Hey, I have a marriage to keep together. Right now my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
Rick: I put a Spatially Tessellated Void inside a modified Temporal Field until a Planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity! Which they now generate on a Global Scale and some of it goes to powering my engine and charging my phone and stuff.
Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's Slavery!
Rick: It's society! They work for each other, Morty, they pay each other, they get married and have children to replace themselves when they're too old to make power.
Morty: That just sounds like Slavery with extra steps!
Rick: Ooh la la! Someone's going to get laid in College...
- There was this one world that called it just murder night.
- I-It's a purge planet.
- They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge.
- T-That's horrible!
- Yeah.
- You want to check it out?
- N“
- Everybody, get a hold of yourselves!
- Sir, what is our new
- Rick and morty policy?
- Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again.
- Today, we celebrate our independence from Rick and morty.
- Everyone out.
- Jerry?!
- Dad!
- What are you doing here?
- W-Why are you dressed like a waiter?
- Screw it. We don't have time.
- Come on.
[Sobbing ] No!
Pencilvester: [begging] Rick, I'm Pencilvester! Listen to that name! You can't kill me!
Rick: [crying] You're right.
[turns to Morty]
Rick: Kill Pencilvester.
Morty: [shoots Pencilvester in the face]
Rick: I'm Doctor Who in this mother fucker! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your mother!
The: I'm going to kill you!
Rick: Then come to Olive Street!
The: Is that her address?
Rick: You don't know because you're a bad son!
- Unless there was something about the sperm I didn't know.
- Are you saying that to mess with me?
- -What? Mess with you how?
- -Like, trying to get me to say something?
- Morty, I have no idea what you're talking about!
- -For real?
- -Yes!
- Okay. Good. Then. Then it's your fault!
- I can't run around chopping people's heads off one day a year and then sleep well the rest of the time.
- Well, you better start getting used to it, little bitch, because we got some fucking company.
- Hey, there he is.
- Here I am.
Rick: Life is made of little concessions.
Summer: And so we helped our people find their ferrets.
- How they got them? Not our problem.
- Then we got down to business.
- Here's how it worked.
- If a giant monster attacked your planet, we all got the alert.
- ♪ Hey, hey, mama mia's got a plate
- Of spaghetti for the takin' ♪
- ♪ Papa P's got a great big
- Robot that he's makin' ♪
- J” runnin' wild, runnin' hot, burnin' inside j” j” with the youth in the blood and the age and the heat and the fire in your pants, open wide j” j” you're gonna run from the damn cold, but you can't run from your youth j”
Morty: Jeez Rick, what the Hell, I liked her!
Rick: Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet there, Morty, trust me.
[whispers]
Rick: Puffy Vagina!
Morty: What's wrong with that?
- for us to project our insecurities on.
- I mean, that's on us.
- -We're not gonna bail on you, Bruce.
- Okey-dokey, we'll do it the hard way.
- -[Summer screams]
- -[Bruce] What the fuck!
- I mean, blowing the place up was always an option.
- I just thought you guys might enjoy a less violent plan.
- See! You have changed!
- Schlarbo: Thanks, but...
- What happened, it happened here.
- I don't want to lose the moment.
- Narg les: Take your time, boss.
- We'll stay here as long as you want.
- C h u rn k: Absolutely.
- I got nowhere to be.
- leaving us the technology we use to lead the free world.
- That, and also to do stuff like slavery.
- I always thought we were more special than that.
- Like we invented everything and did everything, and that's why we own everything.
- Now, I don't know what to feel.
- Feel thankful, Morty. Feel thankful.
Rick: You know who's into dragons, Morty? Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.
Beth: I'm running out of excuses not to be who I am, so who am I?
Rick: You want my advice? Take off, put a saddle on your universe, let it kick itself out.
- Ah! Well, look at that.
- Now we're doing something we've done before.
- I'm Mr. Meeseeks!
- Kill this Nazi prick!
- Can do!
- Come here, you son of a bitch!
- No! Stop!
Rick: [Unimpressed] Cool beam. But let's bargain. I'm the one you really want.
Tammy: Excuse me?
Rick: Uh, smartest man in the universe? Secret to inter dimensional travel? Ask your bosses.
Tammy: My bosses are bugs, Rick. You killed the old ones. The new ones are half my age. They know that if you're left alone you're...
[Patronizingly]
Tammy: a non-threat.
Jerry: Oof, huh?
Tammy: [Into an earpiece] We got the payload. Fire up the NX5.
[Dismissively]
Tammy: Earth's going tah tah. You might wanna do that thing where you find a new universe where you can suck yourself off.
Rick: You can't tell me what to do!
Tammy: Awesome!
[Into earpiece]
Tammy: He resisted, we can shoot him.
Brad: Perhaps you should consider being a creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a daily basis, but I channel it into my work.
Morty: Strange, I didn't get any sense of that from Marmaduke.
Brad: Well, did you get the sense I was trying to make you laugh?
[after watching Glorzo Rick's anti-Government U-Host video]
Rick: Was I at least rich? D-d-did I at least sell out and sell vitamins or something?
Morty: Rick, I've watched enough PornHub to know what a studio apartment looks like.
Rick: God damn!
Abradolph: Rick, you brought me into this World a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
- Let me just adjust my seismic-to-English translator.
Gaia: Rick. You came.
Morty: W-where is she?
Rick: You're looking at her.
- I-I-I-I don't understand.
- Isn't it obvious, morty?
- I fucked a planet.
- to break into the prison holding c-137...
- Boo-yah.
- And assassinate him.
- Boo-nah?
- Come on, girls!
- The ice cream's gonna melt!
- He kind of needs that to be the case.
- Not coming, noob noob?
[Grunts] Ohh! No, uh,
- I got stuff to do here.
Vance: Security drones inbound.
[Echoing] Star mother,
- Grant me your wrath.
- All aboard!
Abradolph: I kinda believe all men were created equal, but then...
Summer: Is that a real question?
Jerry: Just making conversation.
Summer: Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choices are to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "Yes!" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.
Rick: There are suicide capsules in all of your teeth! Do what you want with that.
- The server's on the mother ship.
- Where's the mother ship?
- It's coming.
- Take us to it.
- -Yes.
- Shake him more, morty.
- That was working.
- Take us to the mother ship.
Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs!
- Uh, my god, that's better.
Supernova: Rick!
- Hey, I can't help if I can't see.
- To the right.
- Yes, yes, yes!
- Come on, come on, come on!
- Fresh, fresh, fresh!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, was this your friend?
- Don't worry, he died doing what he loved, being a dumb fucking rat.
Rhonda: Rick and Morty escaped.
The: [the President is rapidly growing back to his normal size; his voice increasing from high-pitched to normal] No shit! Take me to the Pentagon. We're at war with Rick and Morty.
Rhonda: You'll want to make a stop at the White House.
The: I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract.
Rhonda: I mean, you need to call a press conference.
Male: Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.
The: What?
Male: They signed something called. "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah. I still say it has to be Putin.
The: It was Rick and Morty, you fucking dunce!
Summer: Screw that, this is my chance to gain some popularity and some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That's why you party? Boy, you really are seventeen.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: TO GET R*ugghhb*IGGITY RIGGITY WRECKED SOONN
Jessica: Am I in the right place? I just saw a bunch of cops having sex with each other...
[Summer has just mortally shot a post-apocalyptic warrior from his vehicle]
Post: [crawling on ground, gurgling] Kill me, please...
Summer: O.K., but not because you told me to.
[shoots warrior point-blank with her shotgun]
Principal: Tonight is our annual flu season dance. I don't know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home. The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration. You don't bring dead babies to Passover.
- Dad, I don't care how you made it.
- I want to know if Tommy's still in there!
- Relax, Beth.
- If he is, we'll find him.
- He'll be the only sun-bleached skeleton with non-imaginary DNA.
- God fuckin' damn it!
- Read 'em and weep.
- Fine. But don't say
- I didn't warn you.
- Yes! Vindicator command ship...
- Beacon received.
- We're doing vindicators twoooooo!
- Whoops.
- Uh, morty, you might want to freeze some sperm.
- I don't have a real plan.
- Thanks, pal.
- I'm glad you ignored my advice.
- It's just as well.
- I lied. That second seat's a toilet.
- Oh, super dick move.
- But weirdly kind of cool to admit it.
- Jeez, you guys really are bred for forgiveness. Let's go.
- Who are you? What is--?
- Oh, my God. I'm a memory.
- We just sat through all that stand-up for nothing.
- Almost out.
- Okay, listen, everybody, my name's Rick.
- This is my new friend, Bird Man, and his friends.
- We all just met at this festival.
- And we're so high we formed a band--
- My ship doesn't do anything unless it's told to!
- I don't want to hear it, summer!
- Your boobs are all hanging about, and you ruined ice cream with your boobs out.
- And don't even try to deny it, either.
Morty: [Groans]
Rick: Morty, did you see another Rick here? Nondescript haircut, sci-fi jacket? Eh, of course you didn't see him, you'd be dead. Or you'd be a bomb. Do you feel bomby? Nah, you woulda blown up by now.
Morty: Wasn't the Rick here dead? Th-th-that's why you pick places, right?
Rick: Uh, well, your Rick, uh, yeah, not dead, more like, not around. When I met you, I was sorta hoping he might turn up one day.
[a location on Rick's holographic map starts to beep]
Rick: You son of a bitch! I got you!
Morty: W-w-where are we going?
Rick: To kill your grandpa, little buddy.
Morty: I don't understand. My original Rick killed your family? And you were just waiting for him to come back?
Rick: Seems like you understand fine, Morty. That was A+ re-piping.
Zeep: Peace amongst worlds... Rick
[while flicking Rick off]
Tinkles: Summer, I've always loved you!
Summer: Yep.
[shoots Tinkles]
Crocubot: I am Crocubot.
Rick: Ha ha, right, Crocubot. So you're half cold, unfeeling reptile; half also cold, equally unfeeling machine.
Crocubot: Yes.
Rick: Wow, so your origin is what, you fell into a vat of redundancy?
- So it begins.
- Gobblers! Tonight, we rise! [gobbles]
[voice glitches] Oh, jeez.
- Nice driving, Sanchez.
- -Wire's down, pen is clear.
- -[President] You know the goddamn rules.
- If you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties.
Morty: What the hell, Dad?
Original: Don't take it personal, Morty. That's one of the Four Agreements. I don't remember the other three, but I know Commissioner Gordon was cool with Batman moving on.
Morty: Batman doesn't abandon people!
Original: You abandoned us.
Morty: I deserve that. But, you know, it... it improved you.
Original: Oh, am I cool enough for you now? Well, that was easy, it only cost me fucking *everything*!
Morty: Whoa, hey, I-I...
Original: You came back and talked about us like we weren't people, Morty! Then you bailed and left us to freeze!
Morty: I-I was apologizing for that earlier...
Original: Your mom and sister *died*, Morty! And I moved on. From caring. And that is the best deal you will ever get. So take it.
- Ahh, I get it.
- Bunch of bullshit.
- What is that?
- This? This is camping.
- Camping? Ooh!
- Camping!
Rick: You killed a vampire AND a gym teacher. 2-for-1, eh?
Rick: Let me go! Who locked my implants?
Night: [Hissing] I told you to after you fell asleep. You see, night you is not in charge. Night *I*... am.
Rick: Pfft! I don't care. I ain't rinsing shit. Hey! W-What are you doing?
Night: If you refuse to clean your dishes... then I will have to do it for you.
[Force-feeds Rick the food off of dirty dish]
Night: I have always been here, Rick, deep inside the mind of your grandchild, waiting to come out. Your machine allowed me to steal the night. And soon... I will seize the day.
Rick: Yeah motherfucker yeah get it get some, right up your fucking bitch ass you fuck! Guess who just discovered a new element! Think you could do that Morty? You think anyonne but me could do it ever in a billion years? Do you think if God existed he could do it? The answer is no. If God exists its fucking me!
Morty: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
Rick: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.
- Who else wants some?
- Who wants to be my pussy of a dad today?
- Hey, what's...
- What's wrong, man?
- You're not getting weak on me, are you?
- What?
- Wait a minute.
[Summer, Rick, and Morty are experiencing a glitch as a result of the siblings' bickering and their reality has been split into two hypothetical timelines, which Rick is scrambling to reconcile]
Rick: Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."
Morty: [in both timelines] Or...?
Rick: We "isn't." Alright, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.
Morty,11957: [in both timelines] How do you know that...
Rick: Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!
[Rick presses a button on the time crystal and the two realities begin to mend. Unfortunately, Morty and Summer are standing on opposite sides of their respective counterparts, interrupting their fusion]
Rick: Huh. What do you now, it's working.
Morty,11957: Ow, ow, ow!
Rick: Oh, shit!
[time splits in two again]
Rick: What the hell is wrong with you two! I-I mean you four!
Morty,11957: That hurt! That was painful.
Rick: Good! I'm glad it was painful, you deserve it! I saw you! Y-you're both
[belches]
Rick: all over the damn place! We've been split for twenty minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?
Jerry: Okay, I'll bite. What's with the talking cat?
Rick: It's a dragon, dip knob.
Jerry: I know that's a dragon. I'm talking about the talking cat in my bedroom.
Rick: Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon and you a talking cat at the same time? Those concepts bump. If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto or fucked my daughter.
Jerry: Okay, there's really no need to get savage.
- you little tramp.
- You tell them, morty.
- Geez, you guys don't have to be dicks about it, all right?
- Yeah, neither did the guys before us, but you know what?
- They were.
- Merry Christmas, you shit bags.
- Yeah, ghost of Christmas future, bitches, you fucking idiots.
- So mean.
- Those guys are mean.
Summer: Drummer drum-drum-drum drum drum! Christmas drum, played by a boy!
Token: [after the real President has been replaced by a turkey] All in favor of Turkey President?
[majority of Congress raises their hands]
Rick: You shot 20ccs of liquid dream killer into my daughter.
Cromulon: SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.
Chaos: Lay it, lay it down. Let me see your hand. Show me what you got. You're always talking, but you're not playing. It doesn't match your face. 'Cos I'm away, away from this place. Can you take me now? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Are you afraid of me now? Are you afraid of me now? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel that I can see your soul? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel the beat in your heart? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now. Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now.
Krombopulos: Oh, boy! Here I go killin' again!
Beth: He doesn't need anything from anyone.
Dr. Wong: You admire him for that.
Beth: It's better than making your problems other people's problems.
- Oh my god, the track!
- It's hepatitis a!
- Aaaah!
- I got to help my grandson follow his dreams.
- Eh, who needs dreams?
- I'll just hang out with you and go on adventures and do whatever you want to do, you know, forever.
- Oh, well, uh, okay.
- I mean, if that's what you want.
Morty: Rick, let's have dinner with the Morty president.
Rick: Morty, the idea was to get back to simple adventures, the Citadel runs on canon.
- Tricia, wait!
Morty: Ethan! Ethan!
- Hey, it's okay. Sit down.
- You made my sister cry, Ethan.
- You messed with her body image.
- Look, morty, I...
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Careful, Ethan.
- Your s'more is burning.
Rick: I don't give a fuck about your penis Morty!
- I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job.
- Was it?
- Who cares, morty?
- Global acts of terrorism happen every day.
- Uh, here's something that's never happened before...
- I'm a pickle.
- I'm pickle Rick!
- Wind: [Soft voice] Loser.
- What?
- Hello?
- j” and when you breathe j” j” you breathe for two j” hey, "ball fondlers"?
- Huh, "ball fondlers"?
- Yeah, I could go for some "ball fondlers."
- Yeah, "ball fondlers."
- Aah!
Rick: Listen jerry I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything it's your house it's your world you're a real Julius Caesar But I'll tell you some... tell you how I feel about school jerry... it's a waste of time... a bunch of people running around bumping into each other... guy up front says 2+2 the people in the back say 4 then the bell rings they give you a carton of milk and piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something..I mean it's ..it's not a place for smart people jerry .i know that's not a popular opinion but that's my two cents on the issue
[Beth is trying to convince Rick to go to his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Beth: Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. That's a big deal.
Jerry: It's a big deal he has a friend.
Rick: What would you know about friendship, Jerry.
Courier: Confirmed: Shipping Jerry.
[Courier Flaps envelops Jerry and flies off into space with him]
Mr: Meeseeks are not Born into this World fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are Created for a Singular Purpose which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is Pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry, and we will do anything to alleviate that Pain!
Young: Morty?
Rick: Oh uh, hypothetical grandson we go on adventures with.
Young: You're one of those creeps who moves in with abandoned adult Beths.
Rick: It's more complicated than that.
Young: You live with a version of our dead daughter. It better be.
Bird: Is your intention to abandon Rick, using his own portal gun? In Bird culture this is considered a dick move.
[repeated line]
Morty: Oh, geez.
Rick: I-it's a purge planet. They're peaceful, and then, you know, they just purge.
Morty: T-that's horrible!
Rick: Yeah. You want to check it out?
- Is the helicopter here?
- Yes.
- And the police are on the way.
- What do we tell them?
- Ooh!
- Aah!
- Tell them we were robbed.
- Hey! Hey, what are you doing?!
- I'm right here!
Jerry: [In reference to Keara's breasts] I'm sure you noticed what she has three of, but guess what she has two of?
Morty: Oh man. Where are we Rick?
Rick: Morty, remember eight seconds ago when
[Burps]
Rick: when you said, "Go inside what?" And I said, "The battery"? And then we showed up here, and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."
Morty: All right, all right. We're inside the battery. I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.
- You gave it away!
- You said we didn't need it.
- I wish you were never born.
- Well, you were an accident!
- How come some of the pants are...
- The nx-5 can't destroy wrangler jeans.
- Like, it literally can't destroy them or it's programmed not to?
- Gee, what do you think?
Jessica: Fuck off, I'm a time god!
Snuffles: Where are my Testicles, Summer?
Summer: That's an intense line of questioning...
Rick: I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to, which is why I have sidekick rules. If you can't follow them...
Morty: I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.
Rick: Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff? Have you ever seen me bluff?
Morty: Fine. You know what, replace me! Replace me, Rick! Just do it. Good luck finding someone that can be told 80,000 times how replaceable they are!
Rick: Okay. I'll see your bluff call and raise you reality.
- What the... [strains]
- Hey, what the hell?
- Oh, Jesus!
- You got some of that green stuff on you too, huh?
- -This is bad. This is really bad.
- -How do you think I feel?
- I had the ultimate stash hole, and now I got a kid in my thigh.
Rick: [Sarcastically] Morty, please. Step back. That vat is full of acid. It will melt you completely, leaving only your bones.
Morty: God damnit.
Rick: I'm sorry, what did you say?
Morty: I'm going in the vat.
[as Morty jumps into the vat his girlfriend pushes through the crowd. She runs away crying]
Rick: [Sarcastically] Oh god, oh, I blame myself. Oh, what a tragedy. Oh, well, he's bones now. I guess all debts are paid.
NAACP: Agreed. He's definitely dead.
AARP: Why else would the bones come up?
#MeToo: While his actions were horrifying, and we are well within our rights to be outraged, I do wonder if we did bear some responsibility for this young man melting himself in acid.
[Philosophically]
#MeToo: Are we here for justice, or something else?
Supreme: [With significance] Though justice be thy plea, consider this, that in the course of justice none of us should seek salvation. We do pray for mercy.
Rick: Merchant of Venice. Nice. Very cool, lots to think about.
Heroin: Vengeance is a tomb all encompassing...
Rick: [Hastily] Ok. This isn't a poetry reading. A kid just died. Everyone go home and hug your loved one or something.
Rick: Come with me!
Birdperson: To... some place nearby?
Rick: Anywhere, everywhere!
Birdperson: Rick, I don't expect you to keep fighting, but this war is...
Rick: Far from over, I know.
[pulls out his dimension gun]
Rick: Dude, I shared this with nobody. But I can take you right now to the same battlefield in a universe where we lost, or another where we won, or another where the war never even happened. All equally real, all equally unreal. None of it manners.
Birdperson: Then why did you help?
Rick: Because I respect you. And I wanted you to know you could respect me.
Birdperson: Even though nothing matters?
Rick: Okay... you matter, to me.
- No! No!
- Ow!
- W-What is...
- Grab a shovel!
- What was that?
- I can't find a goddamn zip tie anywhere!
- All right, fuck it!
- Ahh, zip tie.
Rick: If you get killed in someone else's dream, you die for real, Morty.
- You will not kill her or her brood.
- Must kill brood and mother.
- Get behind me.
- Your brood will seed all life on this planet.
- That doesn't make sense.
- That didn't make sense.
- Hey, it's... it's slippy!
- Keep up, shit bag.
Morty: Summer, he's happy, I'm happy, is that why you are doing this? You don't want me and Rick to be happy?
Jerry: No!
Morty: Well then get your shit together, get it all together and put it in a back pack, all your shit, so its together
[pause]
Morty: And if you gotta take it some where, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in the shit museum. I don't care what you do, you just gotta get it together.
[pause]
Morty: Get your shit together.
Jerry: [golfing divot]
Mr: That's okay! I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me! Keep your head down?
Jerry: Well which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?
Mr: It's kind of both. But the important thing is to relax.
Jerry: Well, Mr Meeseeks, I don't think that this is working, I give up.
Mr: I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr Meeseeks! I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away! Look at me!
Jerry: Well, make yourself comfortable because I suck.
Mr: No Jerry, I'm the one who SUUUCKS! Let me try something
[Mr Meeseeks hits the button on the Meeseeks box and another Mr Meeseeks appears]
Mr: HI! I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me!
Mr: Hi, Mr Meeseeks, I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me!
Mr: Hi!
Mr: Can you help me get two golf strokes off of Jerry's golf swing?
Mr: Can do! I'm Mr Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders square?
Mr: Well, he's tryin'...
Rick: You're going to play that move? You have a Holiday called Ricksgiving! Kids learn about me at School!
Zeep: I dropped out of School, it's not a place for smart people.
Morty: Oooh, snap!
[a montage of Rick's made-up catchphrases]
Rick: Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
Rick: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, biatch!
Rick: And that's the waaaaay the news goes!
Rick: Hit the sack, Jack!
Rick: Uh-oh, somersault jump!
Rick: AIDS!
Rick: And that's why I always say, "shum-shum-schlippety-dop!"
Rick: Grassssss... tastes bad!
Rick: No jumpin' in the sewer!
Rick: Burger time!
Rick: Rubber baby bubby bunkers!
Rick: Lick, lick, lick my balls! Ha ha ha, yeah! Say that all the time!
Rick: What do you think about that?
Morty: I think my voice is annoying.
Rick: It is, and it's your best quality.
Morty: So true...
- You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s?
- No-nobody?
- A-All right, whatever.
- Look, who cares?
- Just go on your stupid trip.
- Not one thing out of place.
- Not a single thing.
Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a Pickle!
Jerry: You took my family!
Rick: I took your family? Who do you think had more taken away from them when you shot 20 cc of liquid dream-killer into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry. She had options! That all ended because she felt sorry for you. You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive because I know everything. That snake survives because children wander off, and you survive because people think "Oh, this poor piece of sh*t, he never gets a break. I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul. I'll guess I'll hire him, or marry him."
Rick: Oh, my God. Get in the ship, sweetie.
Beth: What?
Rick: Get in the goddamn ship! Everything's on a cob! The whole planet's on a cob! Go, go, go!
[Summer is breaking up a fight between her grandfather, Rick, and her boss, Mr. Needful]
Summer: Stop it right now! Grandpa Rick, I like working here.
Rick: You work for the Devil!
Summer: So what?
Rick,25852: "So what"?
- I'm looking at her.
- Thanks for teeing me up like that.
- You better get moving.
- These lights are designed for basic ice-cream work.
- They're not gonna last all night.
- I need five minutes.
- our butts are gonna wind up in morty town.
- I thought your last Rick fused you with a lizard, not a chicken.
- Okay, fine. I'm in.
- Me too.
- What the hell?!
- I thought I saw a fly.
Blim: Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "Space-AIDS" as you put it. And Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet? Because the two of you are the FUCKING WORST! You both hate yourselves and each other, and the idea that it has anything to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable - that's how alien I am. And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "What the fuck?" So, good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with either of you. Blim Blam out!
- The pickle man, an old wives' tale.
- He crawls from bowls of cold soup to steal the dreams of wasteful children.
Rick: That'd be a lucky break for you.
- Go, shoot to kill.
- Aaah!
Jerry: If you ever have an affair with that guy I will come to your hotel room and blow my brains out over your naked bodies.
- army captures the eastern seaboard.
- It appears clear at this time that the era of human superiority has come to a bitter end.
- Please! Please don't kill me!
- What's she saying, bill?
- I think she's saying,
- "I love lasagne."
Rick: Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of
[Burps]
Rick: jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe.
- Ah, get down! Duck down!
- It's more fun when you scrunch down.
Rick: Jerry, what the...
- Oh, shit.
Observant: Glorzo is peace.
Rick: Remember: there's always someone there for us.
Morty: Who?
Rick: My best friend and personal saviour: Jesus Christ.
Principal: Hello, this is Principal Vagina. No relation.
Summer: Wow, Dad. Your place looks way less like a crackhouse.
Morty: It's actually clean, like a cocaine house. Dad, what's going on?
- I need that time to get a general sense of your standing within your school's social hierarchy.
- And if that's solid, I'll see you around.
- Otherwise, no news is bad news.
- Cool? Bye-zies.
- -"Bye-zies"?
- -Cringe.
- -Sofa wine?
- -Sofa wine.
- alright, look, uh, this shit's been brewing for a while.
- I'm not gonna win any popularity contests by saying it, but here's...
- Here's the world as I see it.
- Glorzo singer:
Rick: You're down here bailing on the rest of us because you don't want to process your grief and shame like a normal person, by drinking and mistreating others!
Rick: [Morty's dragon burns a hole in the living room floor from his cave below the house] And that's the end of the 'Morty Gets A Dragon' episode.
Summer: Are you gonna slay it?
Rick: First off, I always slay it, queen. Secondly, yes.
Summer: [being carried away by security after Mr. Needful stole her share of their company] You're Zuckerberging me?
Mr. Needful: I was Zuckerberging people before Zuckerberg's balls dropped.
- I lost my years building a temple to a lie.
- So, I made lies my power.
- And what is power, but a lie we--
- Oh, shit, he's real!
- He's real! I was wrong!
- I was so wrong! God is re--
[Rick and Jerry fly through space in an escape pod after the aliens ostensibly tricked both of them successfully. Visibly dejected, Jerry draws with his finger on the pod's condensed window pane]
Rick: Hey Jerry, don't worry about it.
[Patronizingly puts his hand on Jerry's shoulder]
Rick: So what if the most meaningful day in your life was a simulation operating at minimum compl-
[belches]
Rick: -exity?
Jerry: You know what, Rick?
[Rick puts out his flask and starts drinking unfazed as Jerry continues talking]
Jerry: Those guys took *you* for a ride, too! You should learn having a little respect for the dummies of the universe - now that you're one of us.
Rick: Huh. Maybe you're right, Jerry... maybe you're right.
[the scene changes to the alien ship. They are seen celebrating the acquisition of Rick's formula by immediately using it, adding all of the ingredients one by one in a bowl. As the last one gets added, the ship immediately blows up in a huge explosion, sending out a shock-wave that reaches and shakes the escape pod]
Jerry: Woah, what the hell! What- what happened back there?
Rick: Why don't you ask the smartest people in the universe, Jerry?
[Takes a final sip from his flask]
Rick: Oh yeah,
[belches]
Rick: you can't. They blew up.
[Rick puts away his flask, pushes a button to make his seat recline, lies back relaxed, and starts vocalizing the Baker Street sax solo as the camera zooms out into the vast space]
Summer: [answering space phone] Hello?
Rick: Hey, Summer, it's Grandpa. I need you to do me a favor.
Summer: I can barely hear you.
Jerry: Who is it?
Rick: Morty and I are on a planet that's purging. I need you to take down...
Summer: A plan that's what?
Rick: We're on a planet that's purging, Summer. Purging. We lost our car and my gun and we're in a purge.
Jerry: Ooh! Is it Taddy Mason?
Summer: Like the movie The Purge?
Rick: Yes, I-I need you to take...
Summer: That movie sucked.
Rick: [exasperated] Oh my god! Hold on.
[puts phone on speaker and sets it down]
Jerry: ...It's not Taddy Mason?
Summer: Dad! Who the fuck is Taddy Mason!
- When are you going to kill their big bad?
- First off, the will-they-kill-they is everything to my guys.
- And second, fuck you for trying to undermine my happiness.
- This may be the last time you ever lay eyes on me.
- I hope that's not true, Morty.
- Because you look like [burps] shit, and this is not how I wanna remember you.
Dr. Wong: Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind, within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk, to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is; it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work, and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people, well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.
[beep beep]
Dr. Wong: That's our time. I'm going to give you guys my card and hope to hear from you again, and if you have any friends or family that eat poop and would like to stop give them my number.
Mr. Nimbus: I'm going to make the land wet!
Rick: DO IT! God, do ANYTHING! Just don't use me as an excuse anymore!
Tricia: Summer, how supes shook am I about your playlisting fleekness tonight?
Summer: You love it? It's snake jazz. My little brother got bit by a snake in outer space and killed it with a hubcap, and my grandpa had to scan its planet's culture for an antivenom, and they found this. It's my jam!
Tricia: Seriously, my new thing now is snake jazz.
Nancy: Can you alter the course of a species' evolution like that without repercussions?
Summer: Gee, I don't know, Nancy. Can you alter the course of being a giant fucking nerd?
Nancy: Sorry.
Tricia: Also, later, we need to discuss your clothing and your weight.
Nancy: That's fair.
Beth: Dad, why does our house have blast shields?
Rick: Trust me Beth, you don't want to know how many answers that question has.
Rick: When I create shit it works, Morty, it's called being talented.
Morty: We're being called to assemble by the Vindicators!
Rick: I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty. Let it go to voicemail.
Morty: Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake! They're the first line of defense against evil! They're the guardians of the unguarded!
Rick: They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty. They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking, and twenty minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase. We did one, it was the big event of that summer, let it die.
[Morty is making out with Annie, after he's rescued her as they're trying to escape from Anatomy Park]
Annie: [to Morty, whispering] You can put your fingers wherever you want.
Rick: [over radio] Morty, you want to put it on mute or something? I'm trying to concentrate!
Jerry: Okay, that's enough, I'm calling the police...
Mr. Nimbus: Good, go ahead, I control them...
Summer: All I have are pictures are of me and my friends from school. What? What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or dying.
- That's a relief.
- Yep. Don't even sweat.
- You're still the same old morty.
- Your character's totally protected.
- J” it feels good j” j”j”
Talking: Maybe it's time you stopped asking questions and started having fun.
- very satisfying project for people of all ages.
- I mean, I'd watch it, morty, for at least 11 minutes a pop.
- You know, may-maybe they'll do it board-driven.
- You know, that's a real comforting idea, Rick.
- What do you know, morty?
- What do you know?
- You know I said we could only do that a couple of times!
- We're fucked over here because of these damn squirrels, morty!
- I don't know what my reaction is, but I think I'm mounting in suspicion of you.
- Well, what are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna remember everything!
- Everything!
Evil: Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They build a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me evil.
[Gestures at Rick]
Evil: Being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil, too.
Morty: Rick, did you really leave the crows for me? Or... did you come back because they dumped you?
[Rick closes his eyes and lowers his head]
Evil: There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty, too. Sooner or later we all are... on this side of the Curve.
- That the guy?
- Nope.
- No, wait. Y-Yes.
- Yeah, of course that's the guy.
- Hey... hey, truckula!
- You son of a bitch! I'm in!
Morty: Summer, we need you to take down this number, quit screwing around!
Jerry: Morty? Are you alright?
Morty: [on the other end of the line] No!
Jerry: Why are you with Taddy Mason?
Morty: Holy shit, Dad! Shut the fuck up!
- why not make up something... funnier?
- I'm asking too many questions, aren't I?
- How ironic.
- Get out of Florida, you overthinking cat.
- Why don't you go overthink shit up north in Georgia?
- All: Hate that cat.
Mr. Nimbus: Say goodbye to your precious dry land, for soon it will be wet! WET!
Rick: Yeah, global warming's already doing that, asshole!
Rick: Allah euuh... Akbar! We're gonna take control of this plane! We're gonna 9/11 it unless Morty Smith gets better grades in math!
- I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again.
- Yes. Deal.
- Invisi-troopers, stand down.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't want to hear it.
- You know I could see them this whole time, right?
- Don't push it, Sanchez.
Morty: I'm dying, Rick. I can see the black mountain.
Rick: People who are really dying don't keep bring it up.
Morty: Is that true?
Rick: I don't know, I'm just usually around people that die faster.
- I'm gonna kill him!
- Let's go, morty.
- This temple's for fuckin' lame baby dipshits.
- Who disturbs my slumber?
- Also, who rigs a tomb to crush the buried person?
- Isn't the point to protect...
- Aah!
Heistotron: Hello, Rick.
- [Suspenseful music plays
- Okay, guys, change of plans.
- Random time detected.
- No, randotron, it's not a good time!
- That's why it's random.
Beth: Okay, let's go see this latest piece of Marvel shit you kids are jizzing over.
Stickler: I'm something of a stickler Meeseeks...
Beth: He's not coming back, is he?
Morty: No.
- Morty!
- Cool place you got here.
- Very "Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic."
- Now, where are my damn crows?
- -[crunches]
- -[crow alarm sounds]
- Seriously? ls there anything not on theme here?
- Third choice...
- "Minecraft." you like it now?
- Got to be honest, morty.
- It's growing on me.
- Notify the president.
- What do I tell him?
- Tell him the truth.
- Tell him Rick and morty just blew off america.
- I'm looking for Crow Scare.
- The scarecrow? The evil scarecrow?
- Come on. Whoever gives him up first lives.
- Fine, I can kill an extra asshole.
- Helps me get my steps in.
- Oh, shit. It's them!
- The worst thing to ever happen to us!
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Sorry, morty, we tried pussin' it.
- Time to go in hot.
- Rickputer, initiate unnecessarily badass suit-up.
Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed, where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That's an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! Snuffles was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: [after an alien winds up gutted laying its egg] What was that?
Observant: That is called responsibility! He was part of our greatest generation! He understood that what you need to do is suck on a face, shit an egg and die!
- Class dismissed.
- Geez.
Gearhead: What people don't get about the War of the Gears is that it wasn't about the gears.
Rick: Earth Rick C-137, the council of ricks sentences you to The Machine of Unspeakable Doom. Which will swap your conscious and unconscious minds, rendering your fantasies pointless while everything you've known becomes impossible to grasp. Also, every 10 seconds it stabs your balls.
Rick: Oh, what have we got here? A bunch of people with their faces stuffed in computers? Don't you realize that Christ was born today? Don't you realize that Christ our savior was born today? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?
- I know the perfect place for it, which is why I'm going to put it somewhere else...
- Because everything's bullshit.
- Am I right?
- Cool.
- So... lots of hookers outside, huh?
- Is that what they are?
- Ah, geez, look at me.
- I-I feel down on...
- On... on the floor.
- Oh, let... let me, uh, help...
- Help you out here, buddy.
- Ah, thanks, man.
- Thanks, pal. That's right.
- I'm right back where... where...
- Right back in the saddle here.
- Alright, fuck it, run.
- Grandpa Rick, what happened with unity?
- Who? Oh, unity. Yeah, well...
- I mean, honestly, we're talking about an entity that thrives on enslavement, you know?
- It's not cool. Fun's fun, but who needs it?
- I'll be in the garage.
- Oh, wow. So we don't have to, you know, raise it?
- Nah. They're ready to go right out of the box.
- Cool, cool. So, bye?
- Yep. Take care of yourself, Rick.
- -Yep. Same.
- -[whinnies]
[male voice] That was easy.
- It's just a pitch.
- Got to relax.
- This is Ean'h radio.
- And now, here 's... humah music.
- Hmm. Human music.
- I like it.
- I'm kind of like what's his name -...
- Ar-arsenio.
- Isn't that -it's what arsenio used to say on his show.
- Wobble gobba lop bops! Right?
- See you next week, everybody.
- I don't get it.
Summer: Someday I hope to be seen as someone who just likes to get high...
Mr. Beauregard: Ah, Master Rick, remember when you weren't going to shoot me?
Rick: [shoots Mr. Beauregard in the face] I guess Iiii did the butler! Hahaaa! Does that, does that scan?
Ghost: Oh, I-I get it. It's a play on "the butler did it".
Rick: Thanks Ghost in a Jar. You always were good at pointing out potentially obscure comedy.
[shoots Ghost in a Jar]
Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the Temporal Field I'll be able to interact with any Sentient Life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of Electricity via a Pulley-based Device I call a Bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...
Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.
Rick: It's showtime.
Zeep: You do realise this will make the Flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...
[Rick mimes along]
Zeep: This is slavery, you're talking about creating a Planet of Slaves.
Rick: Told you, Zeep.
Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...
Zeep: That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.
[Rounds on Rick]
Rick: What?
Zeep: Wait a minute, did you create my Universe? Is my Universe a Miniverse?
Rick: Microverse!
Kyle: I prefer teenyverse.
Zeep: [Flicks off Rick's antennae] You bastard!
[Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight]
Zeep: Much obliged!
Kyle: What the Hell is happening?
Morty: Ah, this is Healthy, trust me.
Rick: You're my battery mother****** that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a ******* lobster tank! It's Wack!
Kyle: Are they not really Aliens?
Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?
Kyle: So he made a Universe, and that guy is from that Universe, and that guy made a Universe, and that's the Universe where I was born? Where my Father died. Where I couldn't make time for his Funeral because I was working on my Universe?
Morty: Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like Old Lady Science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!
[Kyle drives his craft into a Cliff and it explodes]
- Brilliant.
- I summon thee.
- I summon thee, balthromaw.
- What the hell?
- Taylor swift pumping her hands in the air?
- What does it mean when...
- It means you're lame.
Rick: I have a new catch phrase.
Morty: Oh, yeah? what's that, Rick?
Rick: I love my grandkids
Morty,11957: Aww.
Rick: Psych, just kidding! My new catchphrase is "I don't give a f**k."
- Uh, yeah, until I get home before you and change the combination, you bunch of idiots!
- That is why you're never getting home.
- Get them!
- Run, morty!
- Oh, my god!
Rick: Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick and Morty go to a giant prison. You know if someone drops the soap it's going to land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
- Morty? Are you all right?
- She's gone, Mom! She's gone!
[sobs] I loved her so much!
- I know you did, honey.
- -[sobs]
- -Shh, Mommy's here.
- ♪ Let it shine under the morning star♪
Rick: To Summer: But I have to admit, it was pretty Rick of you to avert an apocalypse in a tantrum of cynicism just to destroy one dumb relationship.
Rick: I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this!
Morty: I can't change my nature.
Rick: What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. That's what defines our species! Look at Iron Man! That actor was an animal in the '90s, literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net!
Rick: Off-grid, Morty. We're gonna live in the woods like libertarians. We'll hunt rabbits and trade with like little pieces of gold bar that we cut off with a knife.
- and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!
- -I'm sorry! Wait, what?
- -It was a Trojan horse, Morty.
- Never trust the French.
- Fun's fun, but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again.
- Way to go.
- And on America's birthday or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.
- Y-You want some?
- They're nonaddictive.
- That's not true.
- They're totally addictive.
- I'm a terrible doctor.
- I actually have something for that, too.
- You want some? Nonaddictive.
- Mmm! I'm a great doctor.
Jerry: Hey, wait, hold on a second Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that could help make this dog a little smarter, would you?
Rick: I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior Jerry. If I were you I wouldn't pull that thread.
Rick: Let's go Morty. This temple is for lame baby dipshits.
Rick: Stupid-ass, fart-saving, carpet-store motherfucker.
- For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever
- Rick wants, whenever he wants?
- All: Yes. why?!
- Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb assholel!
Rick: Hey Morty, quick favor...
Morty: What, cover me in gasoline and spiders? Fine, yeah, I'm in.
Jerry: I wish that shotgun was my penis.
Beth: If it were you could call me Ernest Hemingway.
Jerry: I don't get it, and I don't need to.
- It's even easier.
- Sure, sure, and why don't we just burn Galileo at the stake for saying the sun is round?
- Science isn't always easy, morty.
- Whoa! Whoa!
- What the hell?!
Rick: Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.
Beth: Were you born with your feet in your mouth?
Jerry: I was transported here against my will in a meatball, alright? So take your attitude to the men's section of K-mart, because you need to cut me some slack... sss.
- What? I already told Rick
- I don't want help.
- I do not know Rick.
- I was sent by a society of human-snake hybrids...
- Classic Rick.
- From an alternate version...
- I did it! We're landing!
- I knew I could do it.
- society of intelligent dogs...
- One that will not make the same mistakes as humanity and one where pet insurance will be mandatory.
- I'm gonna miss you, snowball.
- You can call me snuffles, morty, and I'm going to miss you, too, very much.
Rick: The first rule of space travel, kids, is always check out distress beacons. Nine out of ten times it's a ship full of dead aliens and a bunch of free shit! One out of ten times it's a deadly trap, but... I'm ready to roll those dice!
- Okay.
- Hey. You want to help?
- Okay.
- -♪ doo ♪
- -♪ I got a doo-doo in my butt ♪
- -♪ doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
- -♪ and I don't know what to do ♪
- -♪ that he's proud of you ♪
- -♪ doo ♪
Morty: Can you fly a Black Hawk?
Mr. President: Can the pope's dick fit through a donut?
Morty: Eh... I'm not sure?
Mr. President: Exactly!
- Uh, that's a blips and chitz ticket.
- What?!
[ Scoffs ] Way to go, morty.
- Eh, whatever.
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Uh, w-wait. What?
- Come on, Jerry. All right.
- Come on, Jerry.
- J”j”
- Huh! Sounds like our stories were connected by a theme.
- Not really, Jerry.
- Probably a cosmetic connection your mind mistakes for thematic.
- Oh.
- Old Rick! Ruinin' everything!
- J”j”
Morty: Hey Rick, I have to make a project for the science fair this weekend. You think you could help me out?
Rick: Whatever.
Jerry: Well, um, traditionally science fairs are a father-son thing.
Rick: Well, scientifically, traditions are an idiot thing.
Morty: Uhm, should we maybe stop somewhere and get you a coffee? Maybe splash a little water on your face, or...?
Unity: No, no. If I wanted to be sober, I wouldn't have gotten drunk.
Wizard: Bleed here and here.
Rick: I'm not co-bleeding.
Wizard: Under authority of our treaty, 'twixt the realms of dragon and man...
Summer: Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.
Morty: Summer!
Jerry: It's possible we've been correlating some things that weren't related at all.
Jerry: Have you ever tried to relax? It's a paradox.
Summer: Oh my god, where did you learn to talk, you grandpa-stealing slut?
- Someone took a small shit in the sand and buried it with, like, two little kicks and just left it here like a land mine.
- Why and who?
- Cat: It was him.
- Help!
- you've just gone where ice cream is.
- Rick, I can handle it if you go, but you'll break mom's heart.
- And I won't forgive you for that.
- Where's the Van, morty?
- It's over the horizon in the driveway.
[Just as they are about to be attacked by the Cronenberg-world Smiths, Morty and Summer are saved by a SWAT team of Ricks]
Morty: Hold your fire! Hold your fire! I'm Morty C-137!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] We detected a compromised portal gun. Where is your Rick?
Summer: He's in prison.
Morty: [irritated] Summer!
Summer: He got captured by the Federation and we were going to rescue him.
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] Very troubling. We can't risk Citadel secrets falling into the Federation's hands. We'll dispatch S.E.A.L. Team Ricks immediately to break into the prison holding C-137.
Summer: Boo-yah!
Rick: [as SWAT Leader] And assassinate him.
Summer: [confused] Boo... nah?
- Honestly, probably for the best.
- -[babbles]
- -Oh-oh!
- -[chuckles]
- -[squeals]
[munches] Man, I'm good.
- -[watch beeps]
- -[sighs]
[screaming] Dad!
- My apologies, lieutenant commander.
- No problem. At ease, solider.
- Initiate employee evaluation mode.
- Accessing delivery archive.
- Okay, listen.
- You delivered an avian protein club sandwich with no iettu... goddamn it.
- Hold on. I need something first.
- -[yells]
- -[groans and coughs]
- It's funny. I always wondered who would win if we ever fought.
- Then you were always a bad friend.
- Your life isn't real and I didn't save it.
- Take off your clothes.
- I knew this was how I'd die.
Morty: Rick, tell summer she can't have a party!
Rick: Uh, summer, you can't have a party. Because I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch!
- I love this man!
- J”j”
Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies?
[grabs cookie box, eats cookie and starts walking away]
Rick: Mm!
[stops and looks back at Jerry, Summer, and Beth]
Rick: Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don't have it as good, huh? That's too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast. We just discovered a show called "Ball Fondlers". I mean, I don't want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.
Morty: All right, that's it! I'm out. I-I'm gonna go into the wilderness, and I'm gonna make a new life for myself among the tree people. It can't be worse than this.
Rick: Sure. Okay, Morty. Just be back before sundown or the tree people will eat you.
Morty: That's a myth! W-w-why are you trying to start a myth?
Rick: It's a prehistoric planet, Morty. Someone has to bring a little culture. And it certainly can't be someone
[to Zeep]
Rick: whose entire culture powers my brake lights!
- //o ve him more than you do,
- Harold!
- You wish, you stupid bitch!
- Li/lorty's mine!
- Ll/lorty's mine!
- Meant to be together!
[ Speaking arabic ] Ll/lorty!
- Where is morty?
- giant feet, even relative to the giant man's size, and you know what they say about that.
- Well, if the old adage is true, one can only wonder what's going down in the rocky mountains.
- Wha?
Summer: Unity, I'm sorry. I didn't know freedom meant people doing stuff that sucks. I was thinking more of a 'choose your own cellphone carrier' thing
- You know, w-w-w-we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking.
- Here, morty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
Fart: He saved my life!
Rick: What?
Morty: Huh? Oh. Are you Krombopulos Michael's target? W-w-what's your name?
Fart: My kind has no use for names. I communicate through what you call "Jessica's feet." No, "telepathy."
Rick: Oh, good job, Morty. Y-you-you killed my best customer, but you saved a mind-reading fart.
Fart: I like this name, "Fart."
Mr. Goldenfold: You know my name? Heh, that's disarming.
Danny: I ran all the way here while staring at your profile... I tripped over a fire hydrant and fell down so I'm covered in gravel that stuck to my sweat and even after a shower I'll still be into a jam band for old junkies, but I think this world cares too much about bands and too little about love and I think I love you.
Alien: I have dwelt amongst the Humans. Their entire Culture revolves around their penises.
Rick: [Drunk] Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: What?
Rick: [knife at his throat] Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?
Morty: No!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: Ahh!
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Morty: No!
Rick: Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.
[Falls asleep]
Morty: What the Hell? Oh God! What a life...
Rick: Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?
- oh, my god, daddy!
- I'm sorry I called you silly!
- I'm so sorry!
- Heavenly heads and cranial creator, forgive my transgressions against family and community.
- May my chores complete me as I complete them.
- J”j”
- OK, listen, he might actually be the real Rick.
- But whatever happens--
- -[Morty grunts]
- -[Jerry screams]
- Wait! We don't have to do this!
- We're both Summers.
- Shouldn't we at least try Molly before we die?
- You know what, yeah. Fuck this noise.
Rick: Pretty cool adventure, huh?
- Big long road trip adventure through space?
- Even ran into Space Beth, maybe that'll happen more often.
- -Let's not overdo it.
- -[watch beeps]
- Oh, shit. Looks like someone killed the decoy family.
- -"Decoy family"?
- -Decoy what now?
Beth: Sorry Jerry, you're real.
Jerry: [crying] I'm a parasite!
Beth: Yeah... but you're real.
- Ooo wee wa!
- Ah, ooo wee!
Rick: Told you, morty.
- He's still got it.
- You sons of bitches.
- What's the job?
Rick: Morty, stop digging for hidden layers and just be impressed. I'm a pickle.
- -[watch beeps]
- -Oh, shit.
- Um, everyone start packing.
- No time to explain.
- -Rick?
- -Dad, what's wrong?
- -Someone just killed the decoy family.
- -Hunt me!
- I'm Mr. Always Wants To Be Hunted!
- Yes, and how interesting did you think that would stay?
[Russian accent] We got him.
Rick: Because this pickle doesn't care about your children.
- And I'm not gonna take their dreams.
- I'm gonna take their parents.
Morty: Parents are just kids having kids.
Beth: Jerry!Thank god!
Jerry: God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth. I'm the one beating them to death. Thank me.
[Rick and Morty encounter a sultry and scantily-clad Summer in Mr. Goldenfold/Mrs. Pancakes' dream]
Rick: Aw, geez. Looks like Goldenfold has some predilections so shameful he buries them in the dreams of the people in his dreams, including a pervy attraction to your underage sister.
Dream: Can you blame him? Come on, old man, little boy. Let's make an intergenerational sandwich.
Rick: It's a calling card from Miles Knightly, a heist artist - AKA a hipster dick whose adventures are 60% putting a crew together and 40% revealing that the robbery already happened and he's not worth our time because he's a HACK PIECE OF SHIT!
Beth: Jerry's going to spend some time divorced.
Gazorpazorpfield: [yawns] I hate Mumunmununsdays... and I really could go for some enchiladas.
[Title: "Gazorpazorpfield: Gimmie My Darn Enchiladas!]
Morty: Hey, Rick, that's pretty cool. It's just like Garfield, only instead, it's Gazorpazorpfield.
Rick: Hey, isn't Gazorpazorp where- where, uh, where those sex robots came from, remember, that whole thing?
Morty: Yeah. Hey, that's pretty, pretty... that's true, that's right.
Rick: Yeah. Let's watch some more Gazorpazorpfield.
Gazorpazorpfield: Hey, Jon. It's me, Gazorpazorpfield. Boy, fuck you, Jon, you fuckin' dumb, stupid idiot.
Jon: Come on, Gazorpazorpfield, go easy on me, huh?
Gazorpazorpfield: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white, white... uh, uh... guilt, white guilt, milquetoast piece of human garbage.
Jon: Geez, Gazorpazorpfield, that's... you know, y-you're pretty mean to me, but that takes the cake.
Gazorpazorpfield: I don't give a fuck. I'm Gazorpazorp-fucking-field, bitch.
[Gazorpazorpfield kicks Jon's coffee mug]
Gazorpazorpfield: Now give me my fucking enchiladas!
Morty: Wow. Phew. You still got time for that movie?
Jessica: Yes... time. I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightenment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another's story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence.
[Beat]
Jessica: I think we should just be friends.
- Why would you steal a death crystal?!
- I want to die old!
- Then stop driving!
- No!
- You son of a bitch!
- Give me the wheel, morty.
- Goddamn it.
- You have the right to get the fuck out of my office!
- You have the right to kiss my dick!
- Give me the thing.
- Ugh!
- Oh! Ugh!
- Ugh!
- Most pilots die after three days.
- And morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller.
- What in the Disney channel fuck is that?
- Maybe help him with homework next time.
- He's clearly crying for help.
- Oh shit! Suicide by cop!
- I love these! you're living too fast, morty.
- I don't pay for your friendship, heroin Keith.
- Damn.
- When I...
- Rick, here's...
- What's going on?
- It's hard to tell.
- He may have manifested some sort of butt.
- He can do that?
- He is the smartest man in the universe.
- You want to see what a hero Rick is?
- I-I'll bring you somewhere, summer!
- Um...
- My goodness, children.
[Sternly] Relinquish the illegal technology to the nearest federation representative.
[Normal voice ] And then we'll all play balderdash.
Rick: It's a dream, Morty. We're in your dog's dream. The night the dogs captured us, after you cried and crapped your pants, we all went to sleep. Then I used my dream inceptors to put the two of us inside Snuffles' dream.
Morty: But I-it's been like a whole year!
Rick: It's been six hours. Dreams move one one-hundredth the speed of reality, and dog time is one-seventh human time. So, you know, every day here is like a minute. It's like Inception, Morty, so if it's confusing and stupid, then so is everyone's favorite movie.
Morty: Aw, man. I really liked this life. Well, at least I didn't really crap my pants.
Rick: No, no, that happened before you went to sleep, Morty. You're sleeping in your crap right now. Out of all the things that happened to you, that was the only real thing that, you know, is that you crapped your pants. I mean, it's a mess out there. I got some on my hands, Morty, and then I got it on the dream inceptor, and a piece fell in my mouth.
Vendor: Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.
Rick: Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute. What? Why?
Vendor: Sundown is when the festival begins.
Morty: The festival?
Vendor: Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace.
Rick: Oh, I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence.
Vendor: That's right.
Morty: What?
Rick: It's like "The Purge", Morty. That movie "The Purge"?
Vendor: Oh, have you been here before?
Rick: No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. You know, sometimes it's called The Cleansing or The Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night.
Rick: [Rick's memory of 9/11, heard in the background] Oh god, oh god, they'll use it as an excuse to strip away our freedoms!
Rick: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? Y-you realize that nighttime makes up half of all time?
Farmer: What the hell are you doing?
Beth: Parenting!
Farmer: That's not how i did it.
Beth: Yeah, and where's your daughter?
Farmer: Eh, you're right... she joined Isis.
Mr. Nimbus: I used to fear you, respect you! Now all that's left is pity for a sad, drunk shell of a man too afraid to see how alone he truly is. If Diane were alive today, what would she...
Rick: Don't fucking establish canonical backstory with me, you Red Lobster motherfucker!
Snuffles: Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it withanother deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?
- Oorah!
- ♪ Got a pregnant girl
- And a pick-up truck ♪
- ♪ Got one by choice
- And the other by luck ♪
- ♪ Till then, I pray my DNA
- Gets backed up ♪
[man] These pills contain tracking chips that identify each of you as individuals.
- That will be important later.
The: Okay, what was that?
Rick: Death.
The: What kind?
Rick: Instant.
The: There was no sound! He just died!
Rick: Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.
Secret: You couldn't just knock him out?
Rick: How is 'knocking out' a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.
[Rick has given Morty his collar, saving his life but sacrificing himself]
Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.
[Rick spots Morty's broken collar]
Rick: Holy shit, the other collar! I'm not okay with this! I am *not* okay with this!
- Gobble Tango, I want POTUS out of that pen!
- That is an order! Locate the President's chip!
- Roger-Roger. There he is, I got him.
- Let's go, boys! Let's fly out the Eagle!
- -Hey, that's not me.
- -Package is secure. Pull us out.
[computer] Reinjecting subject DNA.
- Where is it taking him?
- I assume planet squanch...
- 6,000 light years across the galaxy.
- Whoa, t-that's... that's insane!
- Yeah, I know. Now we have to go to the wedding.
- N“
- the opening of "the Beverly hillbillies."
- You know what I'm saying?
- A little bubbling crude?
- Texas tea?
- I don't know these references.
- Yeah, but you have a space Everest?
- Watch
- "space Beverly hillbilllies" so my jokes can land, you fucking twat.
- Look, I'm not like Rick, so you're free to do as you please.
- But there comes a time in every man's life when he must choose the foundation on which his legacy will be built...
- One of compromise or one of blood.
- Rick, up here! There's a spot where you can kill him!
- Good call, Jerry!
- Hey, how'd you know about that?
- Uh...
Rick: Morty, I don't want to be the 'a little help' guy, but, a little help!
- I am back to... one million ants.
- Someone wake up Sanchez.
- Ugh! Oh, Christ.
- Rick. You're up.
- Barely.
- We're taking fire from an automated turret.
- Can you bring it offline?
- Uh-huh.
[Morty and Annie continue to make out and pet each other]
Rick: [having an epiphany on how to get Morty and the park employees out of Reuben's body] Morty, can you get to the left nipple?
Morty: Are you kidding? I'm hoping I can get to both of them, Rick!
- What the hell is this?!
- This, morty, is my archive of all the experiences you've begged me to remove from your life, lest you go insane.
- I call them morty's mind blowers.
- And we'll be doing this instead of interdimensional cable.
Mr. Needful: This aftershave makes a man quite irresistible to women. Free of charge. One never pays here. Not with money.
Mr. Goldenfold: Nothing to read into there. Thanks!
- That's the end, motherfucker!
- "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase!
- Fuck you!
- That's season one! Boom!
- Season one up in your face, motherfucker!
- Yeah!
- -[yells]
- -[distant scream]
- Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
- -Whoops. Nope.
- -Aw, this rules.
- No, it doesn't. Neither does that.
- -Why would you not revisit this?
- -Oh, I don't know, maybe, uh, the ending?
Rick: This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.
Jerry: Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government?
Rick: All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.
Jerry: How could you be so dishonest with this family?
Rick: Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?
Summer: Hey, Tammy was cool!
Rick: And now we know why.
Summer: Because of you!
Rick: Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will *never* do again!
Morty: Geez, Rick! You can't say f... "'f' you" to your granddaughter.
Rick: I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck You.
Summer: Damn. You really came of age this Thanksgiving.
Morty: How old are we? We've had a million Thanksgivings.
- -Thank you.
- -We're dropping into Blood Ridge.
- One final chance to stop the Federation offense. If we lose here--
- All aboard!
- Hey, don't mind us, you guys are all just a memory of war.
- Don't tell them that, they won't fight right.
- I think it's [burps] best if we ignore this.
- God, I am so glad I'm a primate.
- Fine. Looking at my crows.
- We train ourselves to stop training.
- The trained are untrained, we are untrained.
- All training is complete.
- Because no training was needed.
Rick: Morty, there's nothing dishonest about what we're doing. Now slap on this antenna, these people need to think we're aliens
- It'll all be over very shortly.
- Uh, by the way, morty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.
- These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.
- Morty!
- No, the other thing! Go back.
Rick: Really? All right, fine.
- Glen, this court order says you can't eat shit anymore.
- All right, Jerry.
- When you're right, you're right.
- Now I'm hooked.
- It's a figure of speech, morty.
- They're bureaucrats.
- I don't respect them.
- Just keep shooting, morty.
- You have no idea what prison is like here!
- Holy crap! This is insane!
Rick: Wait a minute.
[Rick picks up his portal gun]
Rick: Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?
Morty: I-I saw you were marking the levels so I had to top it off...
Rick: Top it off? Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is? And you added it to my portal fluid?
- Step back.
- You're not killing him till we kick his ass, bird person.
- My name is Phoenix person.
- No one's calling you that. Dumb.
- It fascinates me that an entire family can be this critical and suck this much.
[Mr Nimbus comes to save Rick, Morty and Jessica]
Mr. Nimbus: Did you think I would let you die alone, Richards?
Morty: Rick, we're taking him back where he belongs.
Rick: Oh, yeah? Where's that?
[belch]
Rick: Are you goin' on a quest to find "he who smelt it?"
Fart: I came here accidentally through a wormhole located in what you call "get out of my head, Fart, I know you're in here, la la la la." No, in what you call the Promethean Nebula.
Rick: [interrupting Beth] Whatever you are asking, the answer is I'm amazing.
Jerry: Morty, Summer, this is Kiara. She's a Krootabulan warrior princess... from Krootabulon.
Morty: I know where Krootabulans are from, Dad.
[addressing Kiara]
Morty: Chiman Tolo.
Keara: Chiman Tolo, younglings.
Summer: Hymen cholo...
[repeated line]
Mr. Nimbus: I am Mr Nimbus!
Jerry: It sounds like you're about to say Jacob is your lover.
Leonard: No, no, no. Jacob is your mother's lover. I watch them. Sometimes from a chair, sometimes from a closet. Almost always dressed as Superman.
Rick: We killed a Vampire and a Gym Teacher! Talk about two for one, right?
- Narrator: 17 billion snake lives ended on June 21, 2026.
- The survivors lived only to face a new nightmare, the war between snake and machine.
- In the end, snake overcame machine because of what we couldn't predict...
- That an alien, a child from a distant star, would save us.
Beth: Sweetie, is your shirt on backwards?
Jerry: ...Yeah! I like it this way. I'm not stupid!
Rick: Man that guy is the Redgrin Grumbholt of pretending he knows what's going on.
Therapist: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...
[Rick is unmoved by Morty's arguments that he should be happy at his friend Bird-person's wedding]
Rick: Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advise about stuff you know nothing about and a *lot* of vodka.
Bartender: Mm-hm. I have a lot of vodka.
Rick: Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest.
Rick: Oh, boy. Time to go, morty.
- Uh, where?
- The Pentagon.
- I mean, not the Pentagon.
- The lame one here on earth.
- N“
Tammy: I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know if I would personally ever do it.
Jessica: [On the phone] Come back, Morty. I miss you.
Morty: You miss the old me. You miss someone that loved you so much you never had to love 'em back.
Jessica: How do you know I don't want to love you?
Morty: Because I'm not sick.
[He hangs up]
Rick: Get off the high road Summer. We all got pink eye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.
Jerry: Beth, it's him or me!
Morty: There's snakes in space?
Rick: There's literally everything in space!
Child Morty Jr.: You're like Hitler but Hitler cared about Germany or something.
Morty: Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.
Rick: I hope you're happy with the adventure so far, Morty. These guys are even lamer than last time.
Morty: We weren't here last time, remember? They did a whole Vindicators without us. A bunch of them got killed, too. They lost Lady Katana, Calypso, Diablo Verde...
Rick: Yikes. Yeah, things did feel less diverse in there.
Morty: This article says the reason we weren't involved was "personality conflicts."
Rick: Don't worry, Morty, they love you. Superheros need a wide-eyed unremarkable to tag along and react to everything like it's mind-blowing.
Morty: I think the personality conflict might have been... you?
Rick: Jesus! How awesome is that? I mean, they wanted to not need me so bad they murdered three innocent heroes of color and they still had to bring me back?
Rick: When you realise nothing matters, the universe is yours.
Rick: Cute. Your sister's boss gave me a microscope that would have made me retarded.
Morty: Ooo, oh boy Rick, I-I don't think you're allowed to say that word. Ya know?
Rick: Uh Morty, I'm not disparaging the differently abled. I'm stating the fact that if I had used this microscope it would have made me mentally retarded.
Morty: Ok but yeah, I don't think it's about logic, Rick. I-I think the word has just become a symbolic issue for powerful groups that feel like they're doing the right thing.
Rick: Well that's retarded.
Beth: Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?
Morty: Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?
Rick: [Long pause] Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.
- Yeah, let's drop the kids off and go tie one on.
- Absolutely.
- I-I liked her.
- So what are you thinking, like, smokey's tavern?
- Maybe shoney's?
- Yeah, ehherone. Ehherone.
- "Excuse me."
- Now we'll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam.
- Man, I really overthink shit when I'm angry.
- Oh, give it to me.
- Mm, ma-mah.
- God is not a lie.
- J” my empire of dirt j” j” I will let you down j” j” I will make you hurt j”
- Hey, what are you in for?
- Everything.
- J”j”
Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall and listening to some "agent of averageness" explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle... when I feel like it.
- We aren't Rick.
- You can't just do what we say.
- -Correct.
- -Which means Rick is going to die!
- Because of you. Unless you go offline and then we can go save Rick.
- This computes. Good night.
- Booyah much?
Jerry: ♪ Da-bow-bow
- Oh, yeah ♪
- the more it's gonna feel like committing a whole murder.
- I think your arm just called it too early because it wasn't the arm of a paramedic.
- Here.
- It's the least I can do.
- I-I-I-I owe you this much.
- See, morty?
- Now we're both accountable.
Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.
Jerry: Since we're fighting, if you ever have an affair with that guy, I will come to the hotel room and blow my brains out all over your naked bodies!
- And become the all-slut slut Phoenix dragon, slut.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Hold on. Hold on.
- There's got to be something else in here.
- There's got to be another way.
- Just give me a second.
- Ihaventread all this yet.
- Maybe don't tell your parents we did this?
Mr. Goldenfold: Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions?
[pause]
Mr. Goldenfold: You don't know or you're just bored?
Morty: Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?
Beth: OK, Tommy, I'm sorry you feel you're owed an apology. Oh, my God, I'm my father.
Rick: Every hospital has a doctor they say is the best doctor in the galaxy.
- Did you scan his brain?
- Yeah.
- Did you find out why he can talk?
- He's from outer space.
- Outer space?
- That little... [chuckles]
- Of course, total mind fuck.
Bird: My people have another saying: Gubbanubnub Dooraka. It means whatever lets you sleep at night.
Rick: Now that's [burps] more like it!
- Morty, here we go.
- Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" Yeah!
- All the ladies say, "yeah!"
- Everybody over 30, do this with your hands!
- Everybody with a red shirt, jump up and down!
Rick: Get Schwifty
- Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?
- Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back.
- You know, it's a small world.
- Please, he's in the south pole!
- And we need to have a serious conversation.
Rick: Nothing you do matters! Your existence is a lie!
Summer: Walkie talkie Die Hard, motherfuckers!
Beth: Honey, our daughter ran off with a frisbee golfer because of some app with a really dumb, really forgettable name... like a really dumb, uncreative, super sweaty name. Anyway, I'll be late, I love you.
- I can't-I can't love you. I just can't.
- -Please understand.
- -No. [sniffles]
- I'll go. [sniffles]
- But don't you dare ask me to understand.
- Planetina, I'm so sorry.
- Fuck you.
Rick: Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty - just you and me - and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.
Morty: Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.
Rick: Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different - no more Dad, Morty.
Morty: Oh, geez.
Rick: He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away. I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home. without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it, You're gonna deny it. and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty. And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll, I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about?
Rick: Because that's what this is all about, Morty.
Morty: Szechuan?
Rick: That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.
Morty: McNuggets?
Rick: I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty.
Morty: What the hell?
Rick: If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty.
Morty: What are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty. Season - Nine more seasons, Morty. Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce. What is that? For 97 more years, Morty! I want that McNugget sauce, Morty.
Rick: Can somebody just let me out of here? If I die in a cage I lose a bet.
- What the hell?
- Aah! Aah!
- I'm Mr. Meeseeks! Look at me!
- Shield me from the law!
- Yes, sir! Can do!
- Stand down!
- Look at me!
Rick: Good pitches, kids, I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
Insectoid: Mr President, the blemphlark's value just dropped to nothing!
Insectoid: What do you mean?
Insectoid: I mean our single centralised Galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to being worth zero of itself.
Insectoid: Calm down people! Deploy the Galactic Militia and declare martial law.
Insectoid: Yes sir! What shall I pay them with?
Insectoid: Their payment will be the honour they feel to serve... wait a minute, who's paying me to yell at this guy?
Insectoid: I can answer that, for money!
Insectoid: Gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.
[Shoots himself]
Morty: You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you were sitting on your ass at peace summits.
The: Peace summits are important!
Morty: Oh yeah! They work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!
Summer: Grandpa Rick, where are we going?
Rick: Well obviously Summer it appears the lower tier of this society is being manipulated through sex and advanced technology by a hidden ruling class. Sound familiar?
Summer: Ticketmaster.
Rick: Oh, there we go Summer.
- Wubba-iubba-dub-dubs!
- This [burps] this world [burps]
- Still got a...
- It's still got a chance!
- Yeah! Ha ha!
- See you -see you guys next week!
- See everybody next week.
- is an even bigger threat than worldender.
- We can't leave now.
- He's right.
- This is far from over.
- Well, have fun with that, but morty and I have to meet a lady comet, a monorail man, two assholes, and a full alligator in like an hour.
Beth: [Morty Junior's book is called "My Terrible Father"] It's a thankless task, Morty. You did the best you could.
Morty: ...I hope he's eating enough.
- Ah!
- God damn it.
- What is that?
- Obviously, it's a space snake.
- T-There's snakes in space?
- There's literally everything in space, morty!
- Now get the fuck back in the car.
Rick: I want cookies and a 90-minute cut of 'Avatar.'
Morty: Wow, hey, look you guys, the sun's rising!
Sun: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Summer: Oh, my God. Oh, God. What are we going to do now?
Rick's: I am unable to destroy this army. To clarify, I am quite able to destroy this army, but you will not permit it.
Summer: Correct.
Rick's: You also refuse to authorize emotional countermeasures.
Summer: If you're talking about the melting ghost babies, yes, please, no more of that.
Rick's: Confirmed. I am currently constructing a security measure in compliance with your parameters, but I do want to say, you are not making this easy.
Summer: You know you're kind of a dick, right?
Rick's: My function is to "keep Summer safe", not "keep Summer being, like, totally stoked about, like, the general vibe, and stuff". That's you, that's how you talk.
- I almost wish I could stay longer than one day.
- You just might.
- W-What do you mean?
- These are the Jerrys whose ricks and mortys never came back.
- They live here now.
- Uh.
Squanch: You're not Squanchy enough for a Squanch Party.
- I never thought I'd live to see this day.
- Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
- There's a solution here you're not seeing.
- Give me your jacket!
- Give me those pants!
- I want more jackets!
- He who controls the pants controls the galaxy!
Rick: [Rick interrupts Fart's song] Shut the fuck up about Moonmen! This isn't a musical number, this is a fucking operation. We got to be cool and fucking lay low.
- Initiating best friend rejuvenation sequence.
- Excuse me? Did I pick that name?
- Sequence was unnamed.
- What would you like to call this?
- Pause detected. Pause gravity class: heavy.
- Approaching pause pregnancy
- -in P-minus five, four.
- -Jesus fucking Christ.
Rick: Therapists, man.
Beth: Weird breed.
- that got pregnant with me too early and constantly makes it our problem.
- Thank you, sweetie.
- Beth, Beth, please!
- I thought it was too good to be true that we'd have compatible kidneys.
- I'm busy.
- Doing what?
- Uh, anything else.
- What is my purpose?
- You pass butter.
- Oh, my god.
- Yeah, welcome to the club, pal.
Rick: You guys, we gotta hurry! I just got back from Wal-Mart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for one forty-nine ninety nine on sale! Plus, every time you buy one you get a fifty dollar gift card, brings the total price down to a hundred and ten dollars after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for two hundred and thirty bucks a piece easy! They're all limited edition Zelda ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich and we also all get to keep one and we can play... Nintendo games! Nintendo, give me free stuff!
Rick: Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. Lot of people don't get that.
Jerry: The trick to cereal is keeping 70% above the milk.
- they'll feel sorry for me.
- Which is no longer my signature move.
- Later days, amigo.
- Actually, I just realized,
- I don't have my wallet, and my bus pass is in there, so maybe...
- Stay strong, Jerry.
- I believe in you!
- how would they find their butt person again?
- I don't know, summer.
- I can't even hear the TV.
- All right, that's it.
- We're just gonna go there so you idiots can ask your stupid questions all day.
- Ooh, family vacation!
Scroopy: Is everyone in your family an idiot?
Morty: For sure me and my dad are!
- We love suffering.
- Therefore, we love hanging out with Jerry!
- His lameness is our candy!
- Yeah, I got that, but when is enough gonna be enough?
- When we decide you've repaid your debt for those faulty skin hooks.
- Hey, we're in luck, gang.
- They've got the entire
- Smash Mouth catalog!
- -It's him! I told you he'd come back!
- -Holy shit.
- Okay, look, he wasn't old like 10 seconds ago.
- -[grunts]
- -Ow! Motherfucker!
- I'm sorry, Father.
- I'm sorry we never believed.
- He'll come back. Stop him.
- Stop him.
- -Uh, Summer?
- -It's cool, Dad, shut up.
- Everybody, attack one at a time!
- -Is that the best way to--
- -Tee up something awesome? Yes! Follow me!
Rick: Guys, we did our best but there's only one hope.
- Activating link-dock! inter-Morphs, ratified!
- PostiTrinos, maximized!
- That dude's got a tongue like a cat.
- -Stop those portal boys!
- -Did you hear that? That's gonna stick!
- -[groans]
- -Damn. Just like Jackie Chan!
- Ha! I guess that makes me Chris Tucker.
- -I guess?
- -[device powering up]
- Gonna get you! [growls]
- Solen'ya! He's coming!
- It's because I threw halfway my sandwich!
- He's just a pickle!
- He's a monster.
- He's not the only one.
Rick: Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't.
Morty: I'd rather breathe poison than live another day with you!
[He can breathe fine]
Morty: My Life has Been a Lie! God is dead! The Government is Lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus's birthday wasn't on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a Pagan Holiday!
Frank: Now I'm going to cut you, because my family's rich!
Jerry: [on phone] Hello, police? A strange horny ocean man is on my lawn.
Morty: If you don't care if you die, why do you care if I die?
Rick: Knock it off! Get out of here! You did this last season! You're like a suicide bomber!
Morty: Takes one to know one!
Rick: Yeah, well, you get it from him, not me.
Morty: I don't know him. You're my grandpa, Rick. Rick and Morty. A hundred years.
- All: Yes! Yes! Yes!
- Oof!
- Man up, Jerry!
- I may need you to work the lasers.
Simple: [Mumbling while unconscious, plugged into a Matrix-esque exploitation machine] Daddy loves you. You're Daddies' good girl.
Assembly: [Angrily, Indignantly] Your life is a lie, man. All your lives are lives! Don't you get it? They told we were special because we were Rick's, but they stripped us of everything that made us unique!
Cop: [On megaphone, persuasively] We know how you feel. We're working stiff Rick's just like you, but our assembly line is justice. What are your demands?
Assembly: I want a portal gun, unregistered, untraceable, and with enough fluid to get me off this god damn prison!
Cop: The media's outside.
Cop: Well keep them there!
Rick: [Outside, reporting on camera] Anyway, so, yeah, the suspect says the Citadel is a lie, built on lies, and some other shit. I say, appreciate the life you have, because it could always be worse. Back to you Ricks.
Rick: Thank you Rick 716-C.
[to Rick 716-B]
Rick: That fucking guy.
Rick: Tell me about it.
- where they didn't invent daylight savings!
- What would we do without you?
- I love you, dad.
- Love you, too, sweetie.
- By the way, that wasn't time travel.
- There were just a couple pizzas on the counter.
- I grabbed them.
- Two...
- You guys doing morty's mind blowers?
- Morty's mind blowers?
[Sighs ] Grandpa, is this a scenario three?
- Uh, w-what's that, and w-who are you?
- Oh, man, it's a scenario four.
[Glorzo Rick and Glorzo Morty start kissing]
Glorzo: Oh my God, I... I wish we could suck on each other.
Glorzo: I wanna suck on you too.
Glorzo: I'm gonna suck you so hard!
Glorzo: Suck me!
Glorzo: C-can we do this? A-are we allowed to do this?
Glorzo: I don't care. I just want you. Fuck all of this! Let's just get the hell out of here and be whatever the fuck we want! That's evolution! That's progress!
Glorzo: I want a family. Can we have a family?
Glorzo: Yeah!
- while we go on a fun, fresh, self-contained adventure to Atlantis.
- Anyone continuing to explore the citadel is either stupid or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.
- Man, I'm glad
- I'm not one of them!
- shit eggs, and die?
- Yes. We love it.
- I'll do it right now.
- Okay, you guys don't have to listen to me, but I vote you don't do that?
- And who's up for changing things around here?
Jerry: [to Beth] All this time, you've been thinking, "What if that loser Jerry hadn't talked me out of the abortion?"
Summer: Um...
Jerry: [to Beth] Well now you know: you'd be a doctor.
[circles finger]
Jerry: Whoop-dee-doo. You'd also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I'd be on DiCaprio's yacht -
[holds up device]
Jerry: banging Kristen Stewart!
Summer: You thought about getting an abortion?
Beth: Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I'm the version of me that didn't do it. So you're welcome.
Jerry: Yeah, you're welcome.
Summer: Yeah, thank you guys so much. It's a real treat to be raised by parents that forced themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Morty: [Morty and Summer discover Rick and Balthromar soul-bonding] What the fuck?
Rick: Morty, I can explain.
Morty: Stop! Why are you still doing it?
Rick: Why does it feel better now? I hope it's not because you're watching, but don't go anywhere.
Balthromar: How did you find us?
Summer: We followed the smell of sulfur and skankery.
- What are you talking about?!
- Why would we do that?!
- It's a stupid idea!
- What's the matter with you!?
- Don't be a piece of shit, Jerry!
- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- We'll go home.
- What the hell is he talking about?!
- N”
- We got... we got a bunch of robot, computer people, sitting around with their faces stuffed into computer screens.
- Do you guys realize that
- Christ was born today?
- Jesus Christ, our savior, was born today.
- Are -are -are you people even human?
- What kind of Christmas is this?
- Vance, stay calm.
- Oh, so you're the leader now, because we gave you a jacket?
- You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with.
- Okay, ouch, but...
- Okay, this...
- This is triggering me.
- I need space.
- I-I need space from this!
- I thought she was a copy of me.
- She is a copy of you.
- If she ran back to that dingleberry, that's on you.
- Want to grab a drink?
- All the time.
- Good girl.
- Ooh.
- I've been all over the universe, met hundreds of people, and Planetina's the only one I've ever met that makes me feel like I belong, and you just kicked her out of our house!
- -Morty, please--
- -I will never forgive you for this!
- ♪ Let it shine under the morning star♪
- Morty! Morty, come back!
- but maybe I was just being stupid.
- Sorry. Hi.
- I-I'm Jessica. That's me.
- Cool. See you around.
- Jessica. Yeah. I hope I see you.
- Around.
- Guess we'll see.
- I think I'm gonna like this thing.
- You've got this wild callousness thing going on.
- Yeah, you're young.
- Come on, let's bring you to life and get a beer.
- Does being real mean I eventually become you?
- I assume, yeah.
- Maybe you can just remember us getting a beer.
- Eat my ass! Hoist me!
- I did not know that ass was on the menu.
- Don't steal my moment! Do it!
- Ah, okay, then without further ado... drop him.
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
- Let these worlds be free!
- Please!
- Disqualified.
- There's one every season.
- Moving on to planet arboles mentirosos.
- Arbolian mentirososians, show us what you got!
- A2, 3, 4!
- Oh, geez! Oh, my god!
- Why would you do this? Beth.
- It's not supposed to hurt.
- I-I thought...
- Ooh, whee.
- J”j”
Morty: We all remember you as a friend.
Rick: Oh, really? Well, I remember you as a whiny little piece of shit, Morty.
Morty: Oh, yeah?
Rick: Yeah! I've got about a thousand memories of your dumb little ass and about six of them are pleasant. The rest is annoying garbage. So why don't you do us both a favor and pull the trigger? Do it! Do it, motherfucker! Pull the fucking trigger!
The: I'm the Devil. What should I do when I fail? Give myself an ice cream?
Summer: You haven't failed!
The: People like Rick are making me obsolete. I mean, seriously, I may be the Devil but your grandpa is THE DEVIL!
- Oh!
- Come on. That's it.
- Come get this delicious brine.
- Aah!
[Muffled ] Come on!
- Come on, motherfucker!
- Come on!
Morty: You're missing the point, Dad... I don't want girls. I want Jessica!
Jerry: Ah, well... I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom". And that's not an urban diss-your mom was my Jessica. I remember the first time I saw her. I thought...
Rick: [opens cupboard] "I should get her pregnant, then she'll have to marry me."
Jerry: I beg your pardon, Rick. Inappropriate.
Rick: [rummages freezer and fridge] Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school. I'm not sure you wanna take romantic advice from this guy, Morty. His marriage is hanging from a thread.
Jerry: My marriage is FINE, thank you.
Rick: Jerry, it's your house. Whatever you say it is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed.
Morty: C'mon, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that!
Rick: Listen Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people calls "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty. Rise above. Focus on science.
Dr. Xenon Bloom: There is no auto pilot, someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually.
[long pause while he looks at Morty & Annie]
Morty: [Morty and Annie look at each other,then back at Dr.Bloom]
Dr. Xenon Bloom: Ya this is all my fault, I'll stay. It was a dick move for me to even pause like that.
- or an awkward fart on a road trip?
- Come on, pencilvester.
- Give me anything.
- Rick, I'm pencilvester.
- Listen to that name.
- You can't kill me.
- You're right.
- Kill pencilvester.
Rick: And that's why I always say Shlum-Shlum Shlippity-dop!
Davin: Beth?
Beth: What is it, Davin?
Davin: Just once, I'd like to know...
[sneezes]
Davin: ... w-w-what it was like to give your son a bath.
Beth: *What?*
Davin: What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft...
[grunts]
Davin: How soft are his privates?
Summer: Is that a real question?
Jerry: Just making conversation
Summer: Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choices are to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "Yes!" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.
Summer: Happy human holiday, dad!
- But first, something silly?
- What do you mean, "but first"?
- I already said "up next."
- You always do this.
- I don't always do shit.
- Don't gaslight me.
- Gaslighting doesn't exist.
- You made it up
- 'cause you're fucking crazy.
- Little out of character to say this right now, but you guys look really cool.
- -We might be decoys, huh?
- -One way to find out.
Rick: Come on, I-I-I put real elbow grease into this place.
Beth: Well, you're supposed to put elbow grease into your daughter!
Rick: Gross.
- Just do it.
- Alright, lemme just sync these up and get you back to your dimension.
- Wait, so... so you're not even my Rick?
- Then... then why do you know about the vat?
- Every Rick has a vat!
- It's not all for me.
- A Rick provides for his family.
- -Will I be beautiful again, Daddy?
- -Soon, baby. Beautiful again soon.
- -What the--?
- -Help the others!
- -[cuckoos]
- -[groans]
- Why are you helping us?
- Because we're all in this together.
- Come on, there's a place we can go.
Beth: But Tommy's still in there raping Muppets and eating babies.
Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary.
Rick: That's the way the News goes.
Rick: Haha, yeah! Atlantis baby!
Morty: That was amazing.
Rick: You got some of that mermaid puss.
Morty: I'm really hoping it isn't a one off thing and I can see her again. By the way, hey um, still not curious about what might have happened at that crazy citadel place
Rick: Not at all, Morty. That place will not have any bearings over our lives ever again, unlike that mermaid puss. Yeah! We're going back for seconds! We're gonna do that shit every week man! That was Atlantis.
Morty: [while Rick talks] Yeah! Yeah! Oh shit!
Rick: Before what you're trying to do was called negging, it was called reverse psychology, and incels didn't invent it, Bugs Bunny did.
- It's for something else.
- It's really important, so don't break it.
- Okay, I may have fucked up here.
- Dup, ap, ap, pap, ut, dah, pap, pap, pap, pah.
- T-T-Tah, tah.
- all the way to the end, morty.
- What are you talking about?!
- Nine more seasons, morty.
- Nine more seasons until I get that dipping szechuan sauce.
- What is that?!
- For 97 more years, morty!
- What are you talking about?!
- I want that mcnugget sauce, morty!
Rick: I'm Pickle Riiick!
Rick: We're looking at a possible Asimov Cascade.
Jerry: Sorry, what's happening?
Summer: I need an explainer, too.
Morty: Yeah, I'm pretty behind on this one.
Rick: Car, can I get a whiteboard?
[Car produces a whiteboard]
Rick: When Squids started killing decoys, decoys started checking their decoys and learning that they're making decoys. That's making them seek out and run into other decoys, making them realize THEY'RE decoys, making them start to kill other decoys.
Summer: Say "decoy" again.
Rick: Fuck you.
Rick: Come on, flip the pickle, Morty, you're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-w-what are you just staring at me for, bro, I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.
Morty: And?
Rick: And? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle and 9/11 was an inside job?
Morty: Was it?
Rick: Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before... I'M A PICKLE! I'm pickle Riiiiiick!
Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole Planet because of your Stupid Boobs!
- Summer, I've always loved you!
- Yep. [ Screeches ]
Morty: I need to pee.
Rick: Nope. Here, I've got a centipede you can swallow that makes you not have to go.
Morty: I ain't swallowing no centipede.
Rick: What, you think the centipede wants to eat your pee? You're not the victim in this transaction.
Jesus: I'm gonna do what I've always done: I'm going to get the fuck out of here. Father of Omens! Give me blood beyond sight!
Rick: Alright Morty, ready to go on our adventure to the lost city of Atlantis?
Morty: Ready as I'll ever be Rick!
Rick: [a portal opens behind Rick and Morty C-137, as another pair of Rick and Morty walk through] Aw, for fuck's sake.
Rick: [Cheerily] Hello. I'm Rick K-22, and this is my Morty. We're going from reality to reality asking Ricks to contribute to the Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund.
Rick: What are you, stupid? We're done with the Citadel of Ricks. I was never on board with it in the first place. That's why I murdered everyone in charge and left it to rot.
Rick: [Shocked, looking through clipboard] Oh, that was you.
Morty: They tried to murder him first.
Morty: Aw, jeez. Well, you'll be happy to know, the council's gone now.
Morty: Yeah, he knows. He murdered them.
Rick: [Cringes] You wanna reign in your Morty?
Rick: Everyday.
Morty: The Citadel of Ricks redevelopment fund. Donate...
Rick: Morty, he's not gonna
[burps]
Rick: donate, you're pitching the Policeman's ball to a black teenager here.
[Opens a portal]
Rick: Let's go.
Rick: [Indignant] You don't have to be a dick.
Rick: I think you know that's not true.
Morty: Jeez. I didn't know there were still Ricks and Mortys living on the Citadel. I wonder what their daily lives are like.
Rick: Well you can keep wondering that as we go on a fresh, self-contained adventure to the lost city of Atlantis. Anyone continuing to explore the Citadel is either stupid or one of the unfortunate millions held hostage by their terrible ideas.
Child Morty Jr.: I mean, you know, I-I don't want to shoot nobody.
Rick: They're just robots, Morty! It's okay to shoot them! They're robots!
Guard: Aah! My leg is shot off!
Guard: Glenn's bleeding to death!
Child Morty Jr.: Someone call his wife and children!
Child Morty Jr.: They're not robots, Rick!
Rick: It's a figure of speech, Morty. They're bureaucrats.I don't respect them.
[Mr. Poopybutthole is watching the credits, then turns off the TV]
Mr. Poopybutthole: Oowee! Evil Morty. That was quite a scheme. Makes me wonder if there's an evil me out there. But I guess, sometimes, I look at my life and I may not even need him. 'Cause, well, guess I've made a pretty big mess of things myself. Oowee... Never got my job at the university back. Remember that? Rick made me do karate. It was kinda funny. But I guess things went downhill from there. Started isolating myself from Amy. Used to tell her everything I was feeling. But then I guess I stopped, 'cause I wanted her to love who she thought I was, not who I felt myself becoming. Ever think about how horrified the people we love would be if they found out who we truly are? So we just dig ourselves deeper into our lies every day. Ultimately hurting the only people brave enough to love us. Wish I didn't do that. Wish I was brave enough to love them back. I don't know. Maybe you should try it. We don't have as much time as we think. Oowee...
Jerry: I can't leave now! Everybody hates me!
- killing each other over the American Southwest.
- Sounds exhausting. How many of those states voted for me anyway?
- Mr. President, I think the point of the electoral college is--
- To preserve slavery?
- That's right, Steve, I have the Internet too.
- Now take your white ass to the kitchenette and bring me a Diet Coke.
- Oh, boy.
- Here I go killing again.
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Arh!
- Aah!
- Aah!
- Made us believe in ourselves more than ever.
- Yeah. You're right, morty.
- We got all that meta-canon shit outta the way and now we can just be ourselves.
- Now what do you say we bring this train into the station.
- and it turned out it was evil you.
- Yay! He's all caught up.
- Wait. Hold it. Hold it.
- -Who's that?
- -Time for Big Boy. Duck.
- Does he like it?
- It's a metaphor for capitalism, Morty.
- What do you think?
Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?
Morty: How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty.
[Lawyer Morty is goofing around]
Rick: It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go.
Morty: [as Lawyer Morty; mindlessly] Ha ha! Yeah!
Rick: We'll be lenient on you if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?
Summer: I say fuck you! My grandpa was my hero. You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.
Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Morty?
Morty: [to Lawyer Morty who is whispering in his ear] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection.
[to the Leader of the Citadel of Ricks]
Morty: I *don't* renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister.
[to Summer]
Morty: I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong... All you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but, he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.
Rick: [as Leader of the Citadel of Ricks] Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist and now he's dead.
Morty: [angrily] Oh, yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's COMING FOR YOU!
Beth: Your special time is your power. It makes you strong like a boob.
Tammy: [Pulls out gun] Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation!
Birdperson: Tammy, what are you doing?
Tammy: [Points gun at Birdperson] Sit your bird ass down!
Tammy: Tammy?
[She shoots him dead]
Rick: BIRDPERSON! NO!
Jerry: Give me a break. We're not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.
Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs.
- and some of you might not think
- I put in my time, but what can I say?
- I'm cool Rick!
- Yo! Ha! Ha! Check me out!
- All right knuckle[Burps]heads, any questions?
- All right, then, back to work, you gold rickers.
- That sonofamare Rick has ended our centuries-long war with the CHUDs.
- -[man] We made peace with the CHUDs!
- -[man 2] The CHUDs are our buds!
- -Rícko! The hoof less, they need us!
- -Let's do this.
- -CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- -[CHUDs] CHUDily dudily, ho, ho, ho!
- Mom, I promise to use condoms, even when it's butt stuff.
- Okay, we have a lot to talk about tonight.
Jerry: [in the middle of an argument] Willem Dafoe! That's -- that's who I couldn't think of this morning.
- Is that a turkey dinosaur?
- America's original rulers.
- Merciless beasts, grazing on the flesh of cowering humans.
- Then, in the fifteenth century, a vessel crashed.
- Two vessels, really. On board, our saviors.
- Sanchez, pull that lever at the same time I do.
- -[Beth] Now what?
- -Now? We.
- Go, Team Gotron!
- Where are we zip-lining through futuristic metallic tunnels to?
- Each robot ferret is at a different location on Earth.
- You're going to the center of a volcano.
- Thank you?
Morty: That, out there, that's my grave.
Summer: Wait, what?
Morty: On one of our adventures, Rick and I basically destroyed the whole world, so we bailed on that reality and we came to this one, because in this one, the world wasn't destroyed and in this one, we were dead. So we came here, a- a- and we buried ourselves and we took their place. And every morning, Summer, I eat breakfast twenty yards away from my own rotting corpse.
Summer: So you're not my brother?
Morty: I'm better than your brother. I'm a version of your brother you can trust when he says "Don't run." Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.
- But what she didn't know--
- That was the moment everything changed.
- -[Morty] Wait, what?
- -[Summer] I had gotten my first taste of respect.
- -And my first voiceover.
- -[Morty] I can hear you.
Summer: And I knew then and there
- I wanted more of both.
Morty: Hello?
- Morty.
- Time to [belches] purge.
Rick: Weddings are basically just funerals with cake.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
- Oh! [Laughing]
- Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time.
- Yeah, and slow mobius thinks he's all that.
- For how long?
- I don't know.
- How long do you guys want?
- A week? A month?
- Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?
- We got to get out of this thing.
- We got to get out!
- Jerry, come on, man!
- We haven't even gotten to the first whirly.
- No, no, this sucks.
- It's so boring.
- I mean, I'm falling asleep here.
- Let's just get out and crawl down the sides.
- It's okay! Never mind!
- I wanted to sacrifice myself anyway!
- They're... they're chewing through the doors!
- We're in the areola, Rick...
- Almost to the nipple, but we're also in a really bad situation!
Rick: I'm almost there, morty!
- Let's go, go, go, go!
- Do you think mom and dad are, you know, gonna get a divorce?
- I think it's okay to dream, morty.
- I'm gonna go make some wooden stakes.
- N“
- Bye, sweetie.
- Well, I-I better...
- Sure. Sounds important.
- If you're looking for our kids, your father did a-a portal, uh...
- Okay.
Rick: I'm sorry, Morty. It's a bummer. In reality, you're as dumb as they come. But I needed those seeds real bad and I had to give 'em up just to get your parents off my back. So now we're gonna have to go get more. And then we're gonna go on even more adventures after that, Morty. And you're gonna keep your mouth shut about 'em, Morty. Because the world is full of idiots that don't understand what's important. And they'll tear us apart, Morty. But if you stick with me, I'm gonna accomplish great things, Morty. And you're gonna be a part of 'em. And together we're gonna run around, Morty, we're gonna do all kinds of wonderful things, Morty. Just you and me, Morty. The outside world is our enemy, Morty. We're the only
[belch]
Rick: friends we've got, Morty. It's just Rick and Morty. Rrrick and Morty and their adventures, Morty. Rick and Morty, forever and forever, a hundred years Rick and Morty, s... things. Me and Rick and Morty runnin' around and Rick and Morty time. Aaall day long forever. All, a hundred days Rick and Morty forever a hundred times. Over and over Rick and Morty adventures dot com W W W dot Rick and Morty dot com W W W Rick and Morty adventures all hundred years. Every minute Rick and Morty dot com W W W hundred times Rick and Morty dot com.
- your numerous distinctive features
[growls] I never gave you a name like scar or stripe or Goliath.
- That's because, to me, you aren't special.
- You were special to rats.
- Now they're dead.
- I guess it was me you should have impressed.
- God damn it, I love myself.
Rick: Listen, if the situation keeps on darkening, then you gotta do yourself a favor and pop by Pirates Of The Pancreas. I mean, the top priority is to, you know, get you guys out of there, but, I mean, if that becomes impossible then you gotta treat yourself.
King: Plutonians, Jerry Smith is a scientist from Earth, where he's creating a model of our solar system. Jerry, tell Pluto about your decision.
Jerry: Um, Pluto's a planet.
King: Pluto's a fucking planet, bitch!
- Ah, nah, we still got time.
- Well, then, stop being in love and start having fun.
- Oh, love's pretty fun, Summer.
- Just give it a chance.
- It's not even real love!
- Daphne's just with you so she can keep surviving!
- Ah, the young. So naive.
- Ew, gross.
- It is time to begin.
- -Again.
- -[grunting]
- Again!
- -You are not ready.
- -Please, Mother.
- Do you think he will show you mercy?
- Like he did to us? Again!
- Alright, god damn, sold.
- How do we get out of here?
- Morty, relax.
- They're face-hugging parasites.
- I don't think their society's gonna be that hard to navigate.
- Okay, yeah, this might be a little harder than I thought.
- Holy shit.
- They've got an M&M's store.
Woman: Oh, gross! Who shit in the sand? Someone took a small shit in the sand and buried it with, like, two little kicks and just left it here like a land mine. Why and who?
Talking: [Points at Jerry] It was him.
[Rick is trying to reset portal travel throughout the universe]
Rick: Basically, just a hard reset on the fluid. Hold tight, the Earth's going to shake a bit.
[pours portal gun fluid into a tray and electrifies it]
Rick: [a strange green pulse emanates from the fluid, then races across the cosmos]
Beth: Uh...
Beth: [Rick and Morty both pulse green] oh!
Rick: Oh, shit!
Morty: Wait, what? Wh-what's happening?
Rick: Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travelers. Too late to apologize.
Jerry: [entering garage] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.
Morty: Rick, are we about to die?
Rick: No, we're about to vanish from this reality.
Jerry: That's totally dying!
Rick: No, it isn't. It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.
Morty: Back to our original universes?
Rick: I explained it fine, Morty. You're spoon feeding spoons. Wh-where's Summer?
Summer: [entering garage] Oh, nice, you guys are back.
[sees green pulses from the men]
Summer: Whoa!
Rick: Summer. Three of us are one-way, blind hopping. You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore server, file name Booger AIDS.
Summer: Every file is Booger AIDS!
Rick: I-I hate naming things! Just search for words like one way blind hop reset nav beacon.
Jerry: Why do I have a reality of origin?
Rick: There's no time to explain, Jerry. Counting on you, Summer! One way blind hop beacon protocol! Here we goooooo...
[the men pulse faster, but they don't vanish as expected]
Jerry: So there was time to explain.
Rick: Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's run down...
Summer: [blandly] One way blind hop reset beacon booger AIDS.
Rick: Cool. Wow.
Jerry: There was so much time to explain!
Rick: Yes, fine. Hindsight is 20/20. Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
Jerry: How did I end up not in my own universe?
[realizing]
Jerry: Oh, my God. The Jerryboree.
Rick: Ohhh, the Jerryboree.
Rick: Deep cut.
[the three men finally vanish]
Mr. Needful: Do I need to call the police?
Rick: Here, you can use my phone. Don't worry, it won't make you deaf... because I'm not a hack!
Rick: Thanks, Mr Poopy Butthole. I always could count on you.
Beth: I was traumatized, Summer; okay, your generation wouldn't get that.
Summer: Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast!
Summer: Nobody chokes me without consent!
- Aw, he's saying
- "I love lasagne."
- He's saying "I love Obama."
[Camera shutter clicks] So cute!
- I'm posting this online, like, right now.
- I should call Bob saget.
- Is that still a thing?
- No, I don't trust you.
- I don't want to do this if I'm not going to get straight answers.
- Goddamn it.
- Here's my fucking downloaded brain, Morty.
- You want to jump the shark?
- You want to know my stupid crybaby backstory?
- Knock yourself out. Not now!
Rick: There is no god Summer... you got to rip that bandaid off now, you'll thank me later
Morty: I don't want to Masturbate! I want to conquer the planet!
[Rick is explaining why he and other Ricks created Froopylands for their Beths]
Rick: You know why all Ricks made a Froopyland for all their little girls. The same reason I wasn't surprised by Tommy's over-written, badly-structured, cheaply-produced flashback. You were a scary fucking kid, man.
Beth: [aghast] Oh, my God...
Rick: I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth. I did it to protect the neighborhood. Not in a
[burp]
Rick: noble sense, it was just more practical to sequester you before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal that might cross your socio-path.
Beth: You would rather believe I'm evil than admit that you were a bad father?
Rick: Oh, dude, no... no. Bad father all the way to the max over here. I'm a fucking nutcase. And the acorn plops straight down, baby. Look at some of the shit you were asking me to make you as a kid:
[pulls out a box full of Beth's childhood toys]
Rick: ray guns, a whip that forces people to like you, invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun, a teddy bear with anatomically-correct innards, night-vision googly-eye glasses, sound-erasing sneakers, false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts, a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat, a Taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge, location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape, mind-control hair clips, poison gum, a pink sentient switchblade.
Sentient: [Rick opens switchblade] Hi, Beth! You've gotten taller! Shall we resume stabbing?
Birdperson: [Speaking to Beth] The road your father and I walked together is soaked deeply with the blood of both friends and enemies.
- no, that... those weird sounds coming from the closet over there.
- Oh, my god!
- Aah!
- Hey, I'm squanching in here!
- Oh, my god!
- Oh, that is so disgusting!
- Ow! Oh! Oh, crap!
- I don't care. Just leave it.
- Yeah. Okay.
[Laughs evilly] "Cape fear"!
- "Cape fear"!
- I'm... I'm doing... i'm...
- I'm going to do like from "cape fear."
Rick: When Smart people get happy they stop recognising themselves.
Rick: Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?
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