50 Best Abbi Jacobson Quotes

Elfo: You'll be amazed how much fun I am on my own.
[Bean puts flower in the basket]
Elfo: [chuckles] That's not a daisy.
Bean: What?
Elfo: [chuckles] You put a dandelion in the daisy basket.
Bean: So?
Elfo: So, we're making a daisy chain, not a dandelion chain. Why even bother to call it a daisy chain if you're just gonna...
[crying]
Elfo: Oh, God. I'm so sorry! I lied! I'm not really fun. The pressure... it just got to me!
[gasps]
Elfo: And then the pressure to sustain the lie? Oh, God, it was a nightmare!

King: Humans bring nothing but treachery and pain.
Bean: I also brought booze.

Bean: Resist temptation. Give up the goo. Who's with me?
[Silence and cricket chirps]
Trøg: The crickets have spoken. Now give him the goo!

Bean: He thinks he's got it so tough 'cause his mom works? Cry to me when your mom tries to bolt a crown to your skull.

Bean: Whoa, Elfo. You're kinda scary when you're in a blood rage.

[Bean and Oona lap up snake root]
Bean: I don't feel any...
[Her pupils dilate as the drugs kick in]
Bean: Whoa! There it is!
Oona: Now, as you scream, think about key moments in your life and see them in new light.
[Moments later, Bean and Oona run around the fountain, yelling. Bean switches directions and crashes into Oona]
Bean: Whoa, I am seeing my life flash before my eyes. Am I dying?
Oona: No, is effect of drugs.
[They run through the castle grounds]
Oona: Unless you took too many drugs, in which case you are dying.
Bean: Dying. I'm gonna go with it. 'Cause I let my friend Elfo die, and, and where do you go when you die? I mean, Elfo went to Heaven, but I ended up going to Hell to rescue him, because I would rescue him anywhere, because we gotta get the band back together, but guess what?
[She and Oona run around the maze]
Bean: We never even got back together, and we all talk about it, and it's never gonna happen. But you know what? I'm still a good friend, 'cause I went to Hell for him and I got him!
[They run around the fountain again]
Bean: Maybe that's my purpose. I mean, to go to Hell for people. I mean, what else is going to Hell? What else can I go to Hell for? Dreamland! Oh my God, I need to be a friend to Dreamland!
Oona: Is good realisation.
[Bean and Oona run up and down one of the castle towers]
Bean: My whole life has been a lie. I mean, the mother I trusted turned out to be evil, and the stepmother I thought was evil turned out to be harmless.
Oona: Oh, yes, evil stepmother trope is very problematic.
Bean: I've been through a lot. I mean, I've evaded two loveless weddings. One where the guy accidentally got killed. Not my fault. Maybe a little bit. Whatever.
[She and Oona bounce on the thrones in the throne room]
Bean: The second one, the guy turned into a pig. But again, not my fault. Maybe a little bit. Whatever. I had a love-filled fantasy hallucination with a mermaid, and I still have a sweet, pint-sized stalker who I love, sure. But I'm not, like, in love with. And there's a difference, y'know? People say that they have personal demons, but I actually have one that was sent to destroy my life. I mean, we're all at odds, but... Oh my God, we form a trio, just like the Trøgs said.
Oona: What the hell is Trøgs?
[Later, Oona styles Bean's hair]
Bean: No amount of drugs in the world can explain them. But now I don't know what's real and what's a dream. That's what Luci once said, but he was high, so I discounted it. But now I think it means something. All I really know is that I need to focus on things that I can fix. Like, how bad I smell. Oh my God, I wanna shower again. That means I've regained the will to live! I have to start believing in myself now, because I'm a savior. And saviors save people from things like scary robots!
[Bean now lies on the map in the council room]
Bean: Okay, so robots are basically tiny suits of armor without anyone inside of them that roll around on squeaky little wheels and try to kill you. But they're super easy to tip over. And Steamland also has one of my boots. Someday, I will get that boot back. As God as my witness, I will get it back. But the absolute most insane thing of all? There is this giant wall of sandwiches.

Bean: I wish you were this wise when you're awake.

Bean: [hugging her father] Thanks for being my dad, okay?

Bean: Stop! Nobody fries my dad.
Hillbilly: Yeah? Which one of y'all gonna stop us? Skinny girl? Kitty cat? Gross baby?
Elfo: [Chuckles at Luci] He called you a gross baby!

Abbi: Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?
Ilana: God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.
Abbi: So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.
Ilana: Totally.

King: You're fifty percent her, fifty percent crazy.
Bean: And I'm fifty percent you, so, great, I'm one hundred percent off my nut.

Bean: Pops, uh, I'm just kicking back with my new... cat.
Luci: Me.
[Bean kicks him]
Luci: Meow. That's what cats say, right?
King: I'm not here to answer cat questions.
[He kicks Luci away]

Bean: [seeing Elfo hurtling past in a tube] Did you see that? He made it! We're all here together! This is so-
[Elfo continues to scream]
Bean: Oh, wait, hang on. He's still screaming.
Luci: I think he's done now.
[Elfo screams again]
Luci: Nope. Wait... Okay, yes.
[They cheer. Elfo starts screaming again. Bean and Luci share an embarrassed silence]

Bean: Wearing dresses is hard...

King: I've been a nut, a hothead, a ventriloquist and a monster, but I'll always be your Dad.
Bean: Oh, Dad, you've always been a monster, but that never stopped me from loving you.

Bean: Remember, the trick to not getting swept over the waterfall is swimming upstream.
Elfo: Got it. Now, what's "swimming"?

Bean: [high on mushroom gas] Whoa, I can see colors and hear sounds!

Bean: Hop on and be glad that you don't have a crotch.

[an ogre guard carries Elfo into the prison where Bean is locked in a cell]
Elfo: Don't worry, Bean! I'll save you!
Bean: Look, I'm not some damsel in distress! Well, technically I guess I am, but still.

Malfus the Philosopher: The Eternity Pendant must not fall into the wrong hands!
Bean: Malfus, how do you know we'll use the vial properly? You don't know anything about us.
Malfus the Philosopher: I know all about you, Tiabeanie.
Bean: But I didn't tell you my name.
Malfus the Philosopher: It's a long story. I...
Luci: [spurring the horse] Hyah!
[Bean and company ride off]

Queen: Oh, good, you found the dungeon!
Bean: Whoa!
Queen: You know, it's a shame it had to end up this way. I really do love you.
Bean: Then set me free.
Queen: Not that much. Actually, pretending to care about your feelings was exhausting. And I no longer have to call you "darling".
Bean: Great. How about you also stop calling me "honey", "sweetie", and "disappointment"?
Queen: Have it your way, fat-ass.
Bean: Flat-ass!
Queen: Elf-diddler!
Bean: Skull-sucker!
Queen: Destiny denier!
Bean: Prophecy hag!
Queen: Squirrel face!
Bean: Well, at least I don't have a small waist and long legs!
Queen: [leaves]
Bean: Yeah, you better slouch!

Big: Jokes are a sign of fear. A fear that is well justified.
Luci: Hold on. There's something I've always wanted to try.
[He starts spinning Bean's head around a-la-Pazuzu]
Luci: So cool! I didn't even know that the human body could do this!
Bean: ...It can't...
[She falls back on the bed and her body unspins the entire way]

[Bean and Elfo escape through a secret passage]
Bean: Don't step on the rats, Elfo.
[the queen closes the passageway and suddenly recognises the name]
Ogre: Elfo?

Bean: Oh, good. You're still up.
King: I'm always up. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks. They say turkey helps, but I took two and nothin'

Bean: When you understand it, stience is magic.

Bean: This is all because Alva's after the magic.
[Alva's robots close in on her and Elfo, their claw-like hands raised]
Bean: I don't have any magic!
[Black lightning shoots out of Bean's hands and sweeps across the pier, downing the robots and shortening their lightbulbs. The entire amusement park goes dark, followed by the whole of Steamland]

Bean: The weather report said nothing about flying dirt!

Luci: I am a demon.
Bean: [muffled] You're a demon?
Luci: That's right. In fact, your personal demon. Get used to it, 'cause you are stuck with me for all eter...
[Bean spits him across the room, where he hits the wall and rolls down it like a Wacky WallWalker]
Luci: ... nity.

Lincoln: I'm not really that hungry though.
Abbi: I never understand when people say that.

Bean: They're gonna burn us at the stake.
Elfo: Oh, God, I'm gonna smell like burnt candy corn.

The: If you need anything, just ring.
[Bean tests out the bell]
Bean: There's no clapper.
The: That's okay. These rooms are soundproof anyway.

Bean: You never appreciate your lizard stepmom until she becomes a sexy pirate.

Bean: If anyone asks, just be honest and say she was alive when we ran away.
Luci: Some might say her cries for help were a cry for help, but I think she was just being an attention whore.

Bean: [high on snake root] Wow. My God, you guys, we should start a band.
[They start clapping rhythmically]
Bean: Yes, we sound amazing. We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country, playing what we want to play, never selling out, never splitting up. Elfo, you're out of the band!
Elfo: What the hell?
Bean: We're a duo now. The fans didn't even notice. Luci, you fell off a balcony, or were you pushed? We'll never find out. Dreams come true because I am a solo act now! The fans love my voice. I have dreadlocks, but then I shave my head, like a true artist. Why is the crowd booing? Oh no, I'm the talentless one! Elfo, you came back! Luci, I thought I pushed you. I mean, we're together again. Let's get out there. We're back on top. Nothing will stop us now. Oh no, I have cancer. What?
[She collapses]
Elfo: I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean.
[Elfo and Luci start clapping again. Bean cheerfully sits up and joins in]

Prince: And all this time I thought you wanted me dead.
Bean: Two things can be real.

Bean: It's drunk and I'm late.

Bean: [after Elfo comes between her and Sven] What is your problem, man? This weekend was my one chance at freedom, and you ruined it, just like my dad.
[She walks out the door]
Bean: You are just a little, green Zøg.
Elfo: No, wait! I was just trying to control you... Ohhh. Well, it's not like your dad is entirely... Ohhh. Well, at least he... Ohhh...

Bean: And that, my friend, is how you return a gift.
[She turns to walk away and sees that Luci is right behind her, on a crutch]
Luci: If we keep this up, it's gonna be a long eternity.
[Bean sighs]
Bean: You win.
[She sweeps Luci's crutch with her foot]

Bean: What is this feeling that I don't want to drink away?
Elfo: That's hope. It's hope!

Bean: I'm going to destroy magic forever.

Bean: My mom's not just evil, she's a real asswipe.

Bean: Where's the moon now?
Trøg: Beats me. We're in a cave.

Bean: Ah! Toasty, drunken slumber. And here come the spins. Whee! Whee! Whee!
[It slowly dawns on her that she's being rolled through the streets in a barrel]

Bean: Well, I've never murdered anyone. It's always been an accident, self-defense or justifiable homicide. Oh, God! I've killed a lot of people!

King: Like I always say, I'm proud of you Bean.
Bean: You've never said, "I'm proud of you."
King: Well, today I got dangerously close.

Bean: God, how many creepy puppets does this castle have?

Bean: I should know this, but does Elfo have a last name?
Luci: On checks he just writes "Elfo" and then puts a little heart at the end.

Bean: [swallowing the snake root] I don't know. I'm not really feeling anything.
Luci: Me either.
Elfo: Me either. Me either. M'either. Meither. Meither, meither, meither, meither, meither, meither, meither. Meither. What's happening?

[Bean finds that Luci's Inferno is closed]
Bean: Closed? But I have feelings to surpress!

Bean: That's never happened to me before, that thing with my fingers.
Queen: As you reach maturity you will notice many more changes.
Bean: Duh, I already know.
Queen: This isn't a sex talk.
Bean: Oh. What kind of talk is it?
Queen: There are some things you need to know about yourself, Bean.