The Best Maria Bamford Quotes

Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [after when she got humongous] Whew, I'm exhausted.
Nick: [he saw her so small] Hey, you're not so scary when you're small.
Jessi: Yeah, a mosquito is actually pretty manageable.
Gratitoad: And they taste delicious.
[he uses his tongue to swallow Tito]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [she was swallowed] Yaah!
Gratitoad: Mm-mmm! When those bugs come back, and they will, you call your old friend the Gratitoad.

Nick: [after the spaceship explodes] There's no one left. I'm alone. I'm all alone.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're not all alone, Nick.
Nick: W... who's there? Who... who are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [comes out of his spacesuit] It's me silly.
Nick: Oh god, Your Tito, the... the Anxiety Mosquito.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your Nick Birch. You're sitting on a bus right now, FREAKING THE FUCK OUUUUUUUUT!

Tobias: And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not from the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.
Debrie: I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Tobias: Episodics? Been there.
Narrator: It wasn't episodic.
[flashback to a bedroom film set with a visible boom mike and actors reading off cue cards]
Narrator: She had been in a series of softcore porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called "Straightbait".
Debrie: This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.
'Gay': And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.
'Straight': [interrupts] I'll show you I'm not gay I am.
[all three begin to undress]
Narrator: She did six of these movies,
[they get onto the bed in a triangle arrangement, which eventually causes it to break]
Narrator: and after lunch, did three more.

Andrew: I've missed you, too!
Nick: Aw, give me a hug.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Nooooooooo!
Andrew's: [crying out loud when he fades away] Oh No! I'm losing my grip. Oh my god! Motherfuckeeeeeeerrrrrrs!

Kelsey: So BoJack, in this scene, Secretariat is sad, right? He's afraid he's going to lose his scholarship.
BoJack: Oh sure, yeah. Sad, of course. Duh.
Kelsey: Ok here we go, Action!
Corduroy: Hey, Secretariat...
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing here?
BoJack: Well, *that* was bad. I know that was bad. Let's just keep it rolling.
Kelsey: I'll say when to keep rolling.
BoJack: Ok.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing here?
BoJack: Did we get it? I can tell by your face that we didn't get it. Alright, let me try again.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing...
BoJack: I'm sorry, I am having trouble with the words. Is it ok if i play around with it a little bit?
BoJack: [as Secretariat] When did *you* get here?
BoJack: Sorry, no, got it, got it, got, man these lights are bright, huh? Can we kill these lights at all? Is that a...
Kelsey: No.
BoJack: Ok, I'm sad. I'm sad. Acting sad. Secretariat is sad. Ok, here we go.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] I'm *sad*.
BoJack: Sorry, what was the line?

[last lines]
Nick: I'm so sorry, but I can't stop!
Nick: [slaps Tito in the face]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You killed me! I get it! I'm the worst, and so are you.
Nick: I know! Andrew hates me.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And so does Seth! There probably making fun out of you right now.
Nick: You think so?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Here's what there definetly saying.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Andrew] Nick is a whiny little baby!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Seth] Let's jerk off on his pillow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Nick: NO! Please stop saying this stuff!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're gonna have the worst summer. Everyone's gonna hate you.
Nick: [frightend] Oh shit, they are.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [spliting into three and then more] There gonna know you are aselfish little prick who has a little prick that nobody wants to fuck. You're gonna die a virgin. All Alone! As the world explodes from global warning! You dead, lonely little virgin.
Nick: I don't wanna be a dead lonely little virgin.
[sobs into fear]

Jessi: I keep reading the same paragraph and makes less and less sense.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Can I point something out?
Jessi: Please.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Everything's kinda crumbling around you.
Jessi: Uh-huh.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your lying to everyone and so you're gonna have to remember all those lines.
Jessi: [gloomy] Yeah.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And that doesn't feel good, right.
Jessi: [heard a knock] Go away, mom! I'm studying!

Depression: Hello Jessi. It's been too long.
Jessi: Oh shit.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [excited] Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, Is that you?
Depression: Tito Taylor Thomas as I live and breathe.
[both laughing]
Jessi: You guys know each other?
Depression: Oh we've been working together for ages.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [taking a disguise] Remember, Van Gogh? I see crazy.
Depression: Oh my god,I still have the earlobe in my locket!
Jessi: Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study!

Nick: Andrew?
Andrew: Why, Nick? Why did you kiss, Missy?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Maybe it's because your SELFISH.
Nick: No, I'm... I'm just a fierce advocate from my own happiness.
Andrew: And why did you make fun of my DOPE hats?
Nick: I stand my ground on that one.
Andrew: FUCK YOU, THE HATS RULE! Your the condescending prick. And will never be friends AGAIN.
Nick: [screams] NOOOOOO!

Finn: Get up, Gork!
Gork: [wakes up] Huh? Why?
Finn: [sings] I'm not gonna let you lie here and waste away.
Finn: [kicks Gork] You better get up, Gork, or I'll kick you up. Today's the day.
Gork: Whoa, okay, man, just be cool.
Gork: [kicks Gork again] And I'm not gonna be cool, 'cause I'm pipin' hot.
Finn: [kicks Trudy and Kim] Get up, Trudy! Get up, Kim!
Kim: Okay, okay!
Finn: I'm not gonna let you rot!
Jake: [wakes up] Hey, Finn.
Finn: Ja-a-ake, stop tellin' me to enjoy bein' a foot, and get outta that trash!
Jake: [chuckles] I can't take you seriously when you're singing, man.
Jake: [kicks Jake furiously] GET UP! All of you make me sick! I'll fix you with my kicks! Gonna reconstruct y'all self worth...
Finn: [kicks everyone out of the bridge] ... brick by emotional brick!

Nick: [running away and shivering in fright] God! Andrew and Seth are such ASSHOLES. Ugh! Why are there so many fucking mosquitos? I can't breath! I'm fucking freaking out.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [strangling] Oh No! Are you having a panic attack? Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Nick: What? Who said that?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Me! I did.
Nick: Aah! What the hell are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm Tito, the Anxiety Mosquito.
Nick: Anxiety Mosquito?
[when Tito bites his arm]
Nick: OW!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm sorry, people hated when I do that. People hated when I do everything. But do I stop? Noooooooooo!
[spins around up and down and bites his neck]
Nick: Oh fuck!

Kelsey: BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed.
[beat]
Kelsey: We got it.
BoJack: Really? I didn't cry.
Kelsey: You didn't have to.

Nick: Oh god, where am I?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Your LOST in the WOODS! I think this is how Berman's brother died.
Nick: Oh, I can't believe they were so many jokes about BERMAN!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous] And then you sang!
Nick: Fucking CONNIE told me to be vulnerable.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: It was humiliating! Andrew's gonna tell everyone it's glow what a LOSER you are!
Nick: Oh that's totally what he's going to do!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous when screaming] What if they call you soup... IN EIGHTH GRADE!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [when Nick saw lockers with the word Soup] YOU'LL HAVE NO FRIENDS! You'll never get LAID. You'll be an old man with an UNTOUCHED dusty little DICK!