300 Best BoJack Horseman Quotes

Princess: I know, we'll book Eddie Redmayne as the fetus

Diane Nguyen: I used to sit alone on the hill out by the dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.
BoJack: You do have great hair.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Are we at Tony Roma's right now? Cause there's a lot of ribbing going on here.

Danny: That wasn't your alcohol, right?
BoJack: Oh, I don't...
Danny: Because if it was, we're all in real trouble, you get what I'm saying.
BoJack: Y-yeah.
Danny: So, you don't know where she got the alcohol from?
BoJack: Yeah. I have no idea.
Danny: Okay. But someone's gotta answer for this.
BoJack: Well, don't look at me.
Danny: Hmm.
BoJack: What?
Danny: Nothing.
[referring to BoJack's hair]
Danny: Just... a little uneven, is all.

J.D. Salinger: This is my art goddammit. I'm J goddamn D goddamn Salinger and I want rain!

BoJack: Hey, why don't we just us two, sched a hang for this 'kend. 'Kend is how I say "weekend" now.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh, I love that, and I got a pair of tix to the 'stones show this 'kend. Wanna go?
BoJack: The Rolling Stones?
Mr. Peanutbutter: What? Oh! No no no no no no no. The Mighty Mighty Bos-stones.
BoJack: You know, I'm not really familiar with that outfit, but I do love trying new things!
Diane Nguyen: Who are you?

Joelle: Well honey, I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt.
BoJack: Woah, Jesus!
Joelle: What? That's a perfectly okay thing to say in England.

[last lines]
BoJack: You know what it's like? It's like that show "Becker," you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just... It couldn't put them together. And when it got cancelled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like "Becker." Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you - the stupidest goddamn part of you - was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across a room and says, "BoJack Horseman, I see you." But I guess it's good to know. It's good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it's good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now, and it's good. It's good that I know that. So... it's good my mother is dead. Well, no point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea what she wanted. Unless she just wanted what we all want... to be seen.
[walks to the casket and opens it. He looks inside for a couple of seconds before pulling out a note from inside his jacket. He looks to the audience, which we now see consists of a bunch of stranger lizards]
BoJack: Is this Funeral Parlor B?

Hollyhock: Ever since I was a baby, people have always said that I kind of look like Bojack Horseman.
Todd: Oh my god! That is a terrible thing to say to a baby!

Mr. Peanutbutter: I don't think you should be driving right now. Why don't I be like Eddie Money and take you home tonight?
BoJack: No, I can't go home tonight, not without doll. Also Eddie Money doesn't do the taking home in Take Me Home Tonight. So if you're taking me home, then I would be Eddie Money.

Ira: Your telephone is ringing. I'm Ira Glass. Thank you for being a sustaining member of public radio. Everyone has a story, and your phone's story is that it's ringing.

Gina: [in an entirely black environment, Gina approaches a panicked Bojack] Bojack, what are we doing?
BoJack: What?
Gina: All this running around.
BoJack: [referring to the TV show they're starring in, Philbert] Gina, someone is trying to take me down, take the show down.
Gina: So what, you solve this little mystery, fix this little hole, and then everything will be fine?
BoJack: I'm doing this for you, Gina.
Gina: You don't want that. For everything to be fine? How dreadfully boring.
[she begins to sing]

Sarah: Honey, college is for ugly people who can't tap-dance.
Sarah: I want to be an architect.
Sarah: Sweetheart, Mommy didn't do what Mommy did to that Star Search Producer so that you could be an architect.

BoJack: The most important thing is you got to give the people what they want. Even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

Sarah: It's ok. Sarah Lynn, you are calm, you are thin. Your skin is so soft it's like you murdered a baby and stole its skin. Your skin is murdered baby soft.

BoJack: Okay, okay. Here's the secret to being happy.
Diane Nguyen: Oh, I can't wait to hear this.
BoJack: Just pretend you are happy, and eventually you'll forget you're pretending.

Mr. Peanutbutter: I gotta go, my wife's head just disappeared into that busboy's pants.

BoJack: [Talking to Princess Carolyn while she is cooking] Just 'cause you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it. I'm good at driving sober, but I don't relish the opportunity.

Albino: Good news! The results are in! Bad news, the results are bad. Like an omelet bar at a mongoose convention, you are running dangerously low on eggs.
Princess: How many do I have left?
Albino: Well let's just say it's more than Harry Potter movies, but fewer than James Bond movies.
Princess: Doctor, no!

Mr. Peanutbutter: [to Pickles] If we put our heads together, I know we'll find the perfect guy for you to cheat on me with that makes it totally even, so things can go back to normal and we can get married.

Todd: Look how sad you are! You're a really good actor!

Diane Nguyen: I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it's even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, of if claiming to do so is just a lie we tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze.

BoJack: Princess Carolyn, what are we doing? This was a mistake. I've been acting crazy. You were right- Idon't love you, you don't love me, we're just two lonely people.
Princess: Well, this night took a turn! You know the worst part? I knew this was gonna happen and I let myself get excited anyway.
BoJack: So we agree that this is on you, then.

[final lines]
BoJack: My question is for Diane. Look, I'm sorry about all the stuff I said about you earlier. We can publish the book you wrote. You're obviously a better writer than I am. And... And I don't... actually even care what the world thinks about me anymore. I just hated reading that book because I hated feeling like that's how *you* saw me. Because I guess you know me better than anybody, if you think that.
[sighs]
BoJack: Um, I-I guess my question is do you... do you think it's too late for me?
Diane Nguyen: What?
BoJack: I mean a-a-a-a-a-a-am I just doomed to be the person that I am? Th-The person in that book? I mean i-it's not too late for me, is it? It's not too late? Diane, I need you to tell me it's not too late.
Diane Nguyen: BoJack, I...
BoJack: I-I-I-I need you to tell me that I'm a good person. I know that I can be selfish and narcissistic and self-destructive, but underneath all that, deep down, I'm a good person, and I need you to tell me that I'm good. Diane? Tell me, please, Diane. Tell me that I'm good.
[a long stretch of silence pans out, subtly accompanied by the sounds of ocean waves and BoJack's imaginary daughter, Harper, giggling in the background]
Audience: Hey, aren't you the horse from "Horsin' Around"?

Mia: Should we cut to commercial?
J.D. Salinger: Would Homer cut away from Odysseus's journey just as he was being enticed by the siren's song?
Mia: No?
J.D. Salinger: Well, there you are.

BoJack: You don't deserve to die young, only the greats die young.

Tom: There is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy seal.

Hank: I'll say it once for your article. I didn't do any of those things that you're accusing me of. I wanna be very clear. I'm not meeting you here because I'm scared of you. This is me doing you a favor.
Diane Nguyen: I think you are scared of me.
Hank: I'm not a bad guy, Diane, and I truly do believe that. 24 hours from now, the news cycle will move on to something else. I'll go back to hosting my dance show, which employs hundreds of nice, good, hardworking people. You, on the other hand, are pretty much done. People love me and they're not gonna forgive you for this.
Diane Nguyen: This isn't about me.
Hank: If you keep pushing this, you're gonna drag down the people close to you. Look, you had your fun. So, why don't you call it a day and go home to your husband?
Diane Nguyen: I know who you are.
Hank: Sweetheart, everyone knows who I am. I'm Hank Hippopopalous. Who the hell are you?

Angela: I'm not gonna waste your time with small talk because you work for me, and your time is my time. We're letting Herb go.
Angela: I/you can't do that.
Angela: I'm not asking you. It's nothing personal. I like Herb. I think he's a good guy. But this is a business and every day we don't fire him, we're flushing money down the crapper.
Angela: Well, if he goes, I/you go.
Angela: I wouldn't do that. BoJack, I think you're a star, and sometimes, being a star means making tough choices. You can storm out, make a big show out of what a "good" friend you are, or you could be the guy who does his job.
BoJack: Angela...
Angela: I'll tell you when it's your turn to talk again. Look, you're a star, but this is really just the beginning of the BoJack Horseman story. You can choose whatever path you want, but I'll tell you right now. You don't win awards and you don't get to be on the covers of magazines and you don't get to play the lead role in the "Secretariat" movie by being a good friend. What's that old expression about how the show must go on? Oh, right. It's "Don't be an idiot." So what do you think, BoJack? That's a courtesy question. I already know what you think because I have conversations like this one five times a day. I know who you are, and I know you've already made your decision, but if you want to surprise me, now's the time to do it.
BoJack: [no response]
Angela: That's what I thought. You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard. But if Herb's really your friend, he'll understand. Now, you've got a show to put on, so I'll let you get ready. This was a good conversation. Productive. If you're lucky, I'll never talk to you again.

Princess: [Suggesting male stars] Tony Shalhoub!
Lenny: Tony Sha-who-b? This is whattimeisitrightnow.com, not what time is it 15 years ago.geocities.com/monkfanpage

BoJack: Here's a story. When I was a teenager, I performed a comedy routine for my high school talent show. There was this, uh, cool jacket that I wanted to wear because I thought it would make me look like Albert Brooks. For months, I saved up for this jacket. But when I finally had enough, I went to the store and it was gone. They had just sold it to someone else. So, I went home and I told my mother, and she said, "Let that be a lesson. That's the good that comes from wanting things." She was really good at dispensing life lessons that always seemed to circle back to everything being my fault. But then, on the day of the talent show, my mother had a surprise for me. She had bought me the jacket. Even though she didn't know how to say it, I know this meant that she loved me. Now that's a good story about my mother. It's not true, but it's a good story, right? I stole it from an episode of "Maude" I saw when I was a kid, where she talks about her father. I remember when I saw it, thinking, "That's the kind of story I want to tell about my parents when they die." But I don't have any stories like that. All I know about being good, I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that's what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn't enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can't just screw everything up and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery, and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so... hard.

Sarah: I wanna be an architect.

BoJack: Festivals don't matter Todd. It's just so you can get some leaves on your poster.

Diane Nguyen: I wish I could have been the person you thought I was, the person who would save you.
BoJack: That was never your job.
Diane Nguyen: Then why did you *always* make me feel like it was?

Mr. Peanutbutter: [Speaking to BoJack] Always the Clydesdale, never the Clyde, right?

BoJack: [Young BoJack] Are you punishing me for smoking or for stealing?
Beatrice: I'm punishing you for being alive.

Mia: Have fun watching me win that pen.
Todd: I don't need a pen. I can walk into any Chili's with a child under 12 and get crayons for free.

Accountant: This company is more in the red than Carrie on prom night.

Cuddlywhiskers: Only after you give up everything can you finally find a way to be happy.

Diane Nguyen: [Answering phone] BoJack? It's 4am.
BoJack: No it's not, it's 7, I'm in New York, I'm calling from the future.

BoJack: Todd, how's it going with the heart-warming anecdotes?
Todd: Great! I'm writing about the time we officially became best friends.
BoJack: Nice! Can you change "best" to "pretty good"?

Diane Nguyen: Maybe there's someone on her phone we can call.
BoJack: Diane, kids these days don't call. They communicate via a combination of text messages, eye-rolls, and dick pics.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, fiddle-dee-dee.

Hollyhock: I know this must be painful for you.
BoJack: [referring to the nursing home] Not painful, boring. This place sucks. And if I'm not getting any credit for coming here, what's the point?
Hollyhock: [referring to Beatrice] If only there was some way for her to connect the BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week.
BoJack: Yeah, too bad we can't- Or can we?
Hollyhock: Can we what?
BoJack: Put on a live episode of "Horsin' Around" in the nursing home! Yeah, yeah! Good thinking, Hollyhock!
Hollyhock: Uhhh...
BoJack: We'll do a "Horsin' Around" here at the home. She'll love it, 'cause it's her son, BoJack!
Hollyhock: Okay...
BoJack: Then after the show, I'll come out and say hello, and she'll say, "BoJack? Is that you?" When her eyes spark with recognition, I'm gonna sit down next to her, I'm gonna squeeze her hand and get real close and say... "Fuck you, Mom!"

BoJack: Just need something to help me focus. Coffee. No, no. Cigarettes. No, tequila! Ugh, no. I just need the right music... to do drugs to.

BoJack: You screw-up. You're making your daughter hate you. Which is good. Because look at what happens when people love you. Look at Penny, and Herb, and Sarah Lynn. It's because you let made them love you Bojack. You gotta fix this dummy. How can you fix this?

BoJack: [writing script for new TV show, while heavily intoxicated] How do we make it clear that this isn't "Horsin' Around"? What if in the very first scene, we show my character literally taking a massive dump on a VHS copy of "Horsin' Around"?
Cuddlywhiskers: What? That's insane. Let's just put it in, we can always take it out later.
BoJack: I want this character to be really edgy. Like the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say, "No way. This character's too edgy for me."
Cuddlywhiskers: What if he had a catchphrase that was an anti-catchphrase?
BoJack: Yeah, like if every time he enter the room he was like, "Whassup, bitches?"
[Cuddlywhiskers laughs hysterically]
BoJack: Not that, because that's horrible. But, you know, something like that.
Cuddlywhiskers: "Whassup, bitches?"
BoJack: That is so dumb.
Cuddlywhiskers: But also kind of brilliant, right?
BoJack: Yes, put that in. Put all this in. This should be the show.
Cuddlywhiskers: This... should... be... the... show. I haven't felt this alive since the head of the Charles Regatta. That's a Harvard thing.
BoJack: Yes, yes, yes. This is brilliant.
Cuddlywhiskers: What if we had five minutes of him reading a book to himself?
BoJack: Oh, my God, yes! Just him turning the page. A close-up of my eyeball. The real shit, they never show that.
[the sun rises when they finish]
BoJack: Wow, we did it. We stayed up all night, but we really made something new and different and daring. We've changed everything but the title.
Cuddlywhiskers: Well, then, how about we give it a new title? "The BoJack Horseman Show."
BoJack: [gasps] Oh, Cuddlywhiskers, I don't know what to say.
Cuddlywhiskers: Well, then why don't you just say, "Whassup, bitches?" But, you know, not that. Something like that.
BoJack: We'll figure it out.

BoJack: [the sun rises when they finish the script] Wow, we did it. We stayed up all night, but we really made something new and different and daring. We've changed everything but the title.
Cuddlywhiskers: Well, then, how about we give it a new title? "The BoJack Horseman Show."
BoJack: [gasps] Oh, Cuddlywhiskers, I don't know what to say.
Cuddlywhiskers: Well, then why don't you just say, "Whassup, bitches?" But, you know, not that. Something like that.
BoJack: We'll figure it out.

Abe: New York is so great in the summer, but I don't think we're going to be done in time. We're looking at a ton of reshoots.
BoJack: Are you kidding?
Abe: Well, you know, because the movie's such a piece of shit and all.
BoJack: Did that hurt your feelings? I mean, you're the one who said we're not making "Casablanca".
Abe: Right, because "Casablanca" is a movie about a club owner named Rick. This movie's about Secretariat, a racehorse.
BoJack: Wait, you literally meant we're not making the actual movie "Casablanca"?
Abe: That movie already exists. Why would we make "Casablanca"? This is a different movie.
BoJack: I think there was a misunderstanding.
Abe: Wrong, boy-o. There was a *mister*-understanding. And that mister is me understanding you just fine. You come into my home and you call my work shit? You know what I think? *You're* shit. What? You think I don't get enough takes? I'll get *more* takes. Just wait, see how many takes I can get.
[cheerfully]
Abe: Well, don't go. We haven't had dessert yet. Shirley's lemon meringue? Mwah. I mean, it's no banana cream pie.
BoJack: Because it's a different kind of pie?
Abe: That's right!

BoJack: Thank you, Tonya, I know we've had our differences but seeing you always leaves me weak at the knees.

Princess: You say you want professionalism? Bullshit. You want a mommy you can slide your dick in and out of.
BoJack: I can want that and also want professionalism. A sex mommy that also keeps her boundaries, is that too much to ask?

BoJack: It's so sad that when you see someone as they really are, it ruins them.

Charlotte: [to BoJack] If you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you!

Officer: You haven't seen any extra chickens running around?
Todd: No, I don't think so.
Becca: Behhhk. Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk-ay.
Officer: Who's this?
Todd: Uh, this is my, uh, my wife...
Becca: Bawka.
Todd: Becca! Yeah, my wife Becca. Becca Chavez. There she is.
Officer: Okay.
Becca: Book book.
Todd: Yep, she loves her books. Big reader. Real nerd.
Becca: Back-aw.
Todd: Back off? Okay, I'm sorry, honey.
Officer: Hold on, if you're really a nerd, who's your favorite Baroque composer?
Becca: Bawk.
Officer: Bach? Not Vivaldi? You're insane!
Becca: Bick.
Officer: Yes, I'm holding a Bic pen, but I don't see how that's relevant, Mrs. Chavez.
Becca: Bawk-aw.
Officer: Sorry. Becca.

BoJack: Everyone's dumb and I am great. Why do I always forget that?
Princess: That's the spirit.

Sarah: You guys want hear my new catchphrase? "Suck a dick, dumb shits!" Pbbbt!

BoJack: I screwed it all up. It's too late for me, isn't it?
Diane Nguyen: I don't know. I'm just a crazy drug hallucination. I'll say whatever you want me to.
BoJack: Then tell me it's not too late.
Diane Nguyen: Well, it's not too late. It's never too late.
BoJack: Yeah, that's right.
Diane Nguyen: It's never too late to be the person you want to be. You need to choose the life you want.

[repeated line]
Princess: You/he/she needs an agent?

BoJack: You didn't tell me there would be another celebrity.
Wanda: Well, I had no idea that was coming. But some guy named Dong-Slinger420 loved the surprise. He said, "Two dongs way up."

[last lines of the series]
BoJack: Life's a bitch and then you die, right?
Diane Nguyen: Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.
BoJack: Yeah.
Diane Nguyen: But it's a nice night, huh?
BoJack: Yeah.

J.D. Salinger: Todd, stay out of hair and makeup.
Todd: But I like it in there. They brush my hair and tell me stories about their weekends.
J.D. Salinger: Big-nosed Todd want funny, Zombie Todd wasn't funny, Pretty Lady Todd wasn't funny, and this isn't funny. No more Tom-foolery.
Todd: When it's me, we call it "Todd-foolery."

BoJack: Hey Groundhog, I said no. Why don't you go see your shadow so you can give me 6 more weeks of leave me the hell alone.

Wanda: When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

BoJack: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

Princess: Wait: You're telling me your dumb drone downed a tower and drowned Downtown Julie Brown's dummy drum-y dum-dum-dum-dum, dousing her newly-found goose-down hand-me-down gown?

BoJack: You like it when I'm a mess. Because it makes you feel good about yourself.

BoJack: I want this character to be really edgy. Like the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say, "No way. This character's too edgy for me."

BoJack: Hollyhock, I'm glad you're here. If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty, and you're allowed to be mad at me. But you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.
Hollyhock: I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know? Like sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes like, 'Hey, everyone hates you, and they're not wrong to feel that way.'
BoJack: I know what you mean.
Hollyhock: That voice... the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?
BoJack: Yeah?
Hollyhock: It goes away, right? It's just like, a dumb teenage girl thing, but then it goes away?
BoJack: [beat] Yeah.

White: I'm a gynecologist. I specialize in fertility. Tell you what, I'd be happy to put you in the stirrups, and take a look at the ol' cat eggs.
Princess: Ecch! Not if you were the last albino rhino gyno on the planet!
White: Well, I'm the only albino rhino gyno I know! Shall we get some wine?
Princess: Oh great! You're also a win---e addict.

BoJack: Liquor before beer.
BoJack: Never fear.
BoJack: Don't do heroin.

BoJack: I'm a real jerk, huh?
Princess: Yeah but, you're honest, straightforward. You're not fake nice and you don't beat around the bush. Your heart is tender so you protect it from other people, but sometimes you open up a wall and it's incredible. You're doing the best you can considering your asshole parents. You've got great taste in art, and that pink spot on your nose is just adorable. How many nice things was that, about ten?
BoJack: Yeah, just about.
Princess: Okay one more. You let me help you tonight because you knew I needed it. You did it for me. Which was very sweet.

[During his hallucination...]
Sabrina: Horse! Horse! Horse!
BoJack: Yes?
Sabrina: Can you make me a penisbutter and vajelly sandwich?
BoJack: What?
Sarah: [suddenly grown up and wearing Sabrina's pink overalls] I said, "Make me a penisbutter and vajelly sandwich, BIIIIIIIIIITCH!"

The: When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you. It's not you, you tell yourself, it's that bad thing you did. Do you often keep people at arm's length? Are you afraid of being known and knowing others?

Ghost: "See you on the Other Side"? Oh, Bojack. There is no Other Side. This is it.

[last lines]
Diane Nguyen: It's too late. What's done is done.
BoJack: No.
Diane Nguyen: There's nothing I can do, BoJack. I'm not real. None of this is.
BoJack: So, what do I do now?
Diane Nguyen: BoJack, it doesn't matter.
BoJack: Well, if it doesn't matter, can I stay on the phone with you at least?
Diane Nguyen: Okay.
BoJack: How was your day?
Diane Nguyen: Good.
BoJack: Yeah?
Diane Nguyen: Yeah. My day was good.

Rutabaga: I gotta look at paint swatches for the new kitchen. I have to pick a shade that won't clash with the splatter of blood when I blow my brains out after talking with Katy about paint swatches all day. We do have fun.

Rutabaga: Give me some gossip. My wife is making me go to the opera tonight and I need something to distract me from the thought of a bunch of d-bags singing songs in German about their boners.

BoJack: But now I can feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.
Mr. Peanutbutter: "BoJack things up?" You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? Then share a laugh with your good friend, Mr. Peanutbutter?
BoJack: No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don't think I can take that. Maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you. I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love".

BoJack: [on the phone] What do you want, Mom?
Beatrice: Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.
BoJack: Do you need more blood?
Beatrice: I don't need blood. I read your book, BoJack.
BoJack: Oh.
Beatrice: It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank.
BoJack: That was a diary.
Beatrice: I read the parts about me. The things I've... said to you.
[sighs]
Beatrice: You must think I'm a real monster.
BoJack: Mom...
Beatrice: I don't wanna fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you I know. I know you wanna be happy, but you won't be and... I'm sorry.
BoJack: What?
Beatrice: It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we... well... you come by it honestly. The ugliness inside you. You were born broken. That's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects, your books, and your movies, and your little girlfriends...
[sighs]
Beatrice: ... but it won't make ya whole. You're BoJack Horseman. And no cure for that. Anyway, do you remember who directed "The Philadelphia Story"? 5 letters, second letter "U".
BoJack: [pause] Lubitch?
Beatrice: [sighs] No, BoJack. Goodbye.

Mr. Peanutbutter: [to Pickles] Is there any chance we can talk IRL? Intimately, Rigorously, Lengthily.

BoJack: You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're next. I mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

Diane Nguyen: I can't believe this country hates women more than it loves guns.
Princess: [after a pause] No?

Diane Nguyen: You know, sometimes I feel like our marriage is like a Magic Eye poster.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I love those things.
Diane Nguyen: I know. And it's messy. and at first glance, it doesn't seem to make any sense. And it's hard to figure out. But sometimes, if you squint at it just right, everything lines up, and it's the most perfect... beautiful, amazing thing.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah. I know what you mean.
Diane Nguyen: But...
[voice breaks]
Diane Nguyen: I'm so tired of squinting.
[sobs]

Skinny: Once your body gets too banged-up they don't want you no more. Thar she blows, then thar she goes.

Diane Nguyen: When I first moved to L.A., I thought I was gonna do really important work. Y'know, just writing stuff that makes a difference! Then you gotta fall into one thing, and then another.
BoJack: Well, you got time. There's always later, right?
Diane Nguyen: Yeah, I guess there's always later. Do you remember the last time I saw you and you asked if I thought you were a good person deep down?
BoJack: Do I remember that? Yeah, vaguely.
Diane Nguyen: You really caught me off guard. I didn't know what to say.
BoJack: Well, do you? Think I'm a good person? Deep down?
Diane Nguyen: That's the thing. I don't think I believe in "deep down". I kinda think all you are is just the things that you do.
BoJack: Well, that's depressing.
Diane Nguyen: [laughs]
BoJack: For what it's worth, I think your writing does make a difference.
Diane Nguyen: Thanks.
BoJack: I really wanted you to like me, Diane.
Diane Nguyen: I know.

BoJack: People usually don't want to hang out with me after rehab. I'm really more of a before rehab friend.

Kelsey: So BoJack, in this scene, Secretariat is sad, right? He's afraid he's going to lose his scholarship.
BoJack: Oh sure, yeah. Sad, of course. Duh.
Kelsey: Ok here we go, Action!
Corduroy: Hey, Secretariat...
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing here?
BoJack: Well, *that* was bad. I know that was bad. Let's just keep it rolling.
Kelsey: I'll say when to keep rolling.
BoJack: Ok.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing here?
BoJack: Did we get it? I can tell by your face that we didn't get it. Alright, let me try again.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] What are *you* doing...
BoJack: I'm sorry, I am having trouble with the words. Is it ok if i play around with it a little bit?
BoJack: [as Secretariat] When did *you* get here?
BoJack: Sorry, no, got it, got it, got, man these lights are bright, huh? Can we kill these lights at all? Is that a...
Kelsey: No.
BoJack: Ok, I'm sad. I'm sad. Acting sad. Secretariat is sad. Ok, here we go.
BoJack: [as Secretariat] I'm *sad*.
BoJack: Sorry, what was the line?

Herb: Cut! Get your head out of your ass, BJ. Your line is, "This is all I am and all I'll ever be."
BoJack: This is all I am and all I'll ever be.

BoJack: See you on the other side.
Herb: Oh, Bojack... no. There is no other side. This is it.

BoJack: Still don't believe, I let you talk me into this.
Todd: And I still don't believe, Goober ended up molesting those Laker girls.
BoJack: Goober did not molest those Laker girl, "THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED GOOBER" molested those Laker girls.
Todd: Hey, this is nice, right?

BoJack: I don't understand how people... live. It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say: "Yeah, another day, let's do it." How do people do it? I don't know how.

Diane Nguyen: No! You're about to get pushed out of a plane and the two of you are talking like you're trying to brainstorm ways to get back on the plane! That's not gonna happen I- You can try to find a parachute, or you can dive headfirst into the earth, but the plane is gone!

BoJack: This is my last chance to make people love me again. If this goes out, everybody's gonna see the real me. Now, I spend a lot of time with the real me, and believe me, nobody's gonna love that guy.

Mr. Peanutbutter: I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. I had this breakthrough recently. One day in therapy, I just blurted out: "Is my problem with women any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because, yes, women are involved, but it's never really about the women. It's about me."
BoJack: That's actually somewhat astute.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Then it occurred to me: Are my self-destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of codependency the popular Jim Carrey character the Mask? Because, somebody stop me.
BoJack: Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British prog rock band from the 70s? Because... "Yes."
BoJack: Ugh.

Naomi: Isn't this town sick of creating three-dimensional roles for women? This happens to me all the time! A.O. Scott is sick of talking about how brilliant I am!

Princess: You know a lot of people go their whole lives and they never give a damn. But Herb, he gave those beavers a dam.

Mr. Peanutbutter: "Team players wanted"? Oh, I'm such a good team player, I make all the other team players look like garbage.

BoJack: Critics are the worst. That's my review of critics. Two thumbs down! Four percent fresh! One star! You all eat a flat butt!

BoJack: Move over Sad Dog, make room for Remorse Horse!

Flea: I ain't got time for this. I'm prepping a sensitive coming of age movie about a young girl in hiding built out of the animated corpses of other young girls in hiding.
Chloë: [in character as Anne Frankenstein] In spite of everything, me still believe people good. Fire bad!
Flea: Not now, Chloë Grace.

Security: Breaking and entering? That is against everything that Nixon stood for.

[repeated line]
Todd: Hey, this is nice right?

Princess: [Answers phone] Mr. Peanutbutter! My favorite weekday client. Why are you calling me on the weekend?
Mr. Peanutbutter: I need your help. I've done something bad. Very bad.
Princess: Put the corpse on ice. I'm on my way.
Mr. Peanutbutter: What? No, it's not... why would I? Listen, I was sniffing around where I didn't belong, and I got skunked.
Princess: What?
Mr. Peanutbutter: You gotta help us!
Princess: Us?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah, Todd's here too.
Todd: I'm skunked Princess Caroline, skunked real bad.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah yeah, we got real bad skunked. Super skunked! Hardcore.
Todd: Yeah, hardcore skunked.

Ending: Back in '07, I was in a not-successful TV show. / I'm BoJack the Horseman / Goddamn! / What the hell was I thinkin', bro? / When you're an artist, / Yeah, it's hard to play it safe. / That show stumbled hard / Right out the starting gate. / Wonder if I'm ever / Gonna get another chance. / Maybe a listicle at best. / Yeah, I'm not a horse, I'm an ass! / BoJack!

Mary: Can we use I statements?
Todd: Ai, ai, ai! You took my cheese!

BoJack: [writing script for new TV show, while heavily intoxicated] How do we make it clear that this isn't "Horsin' Around"? What if in the very first scene, we show my character literally taking a massive dump on a VHS copy of "Horsin' Around"?
Cuddlywhiskers: What? That's insane. Let's just put it in, we can always take it out later.
BoJack: I want this character to be really edgy. Like the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say, "No way. This character's too edgy for me."
Cuddlywhiskers: What if he had a catchphrase that was an anti-catchphrase?
BoJack: Yeah, like if every time he enter the room he was like, "Whassup, bitches?"
[Cuddlywhiskers laughs hysterically]
BoJack: Not that, because that's horrible. But, you know, something like that.
Cuddlywhiskers: "Whassup, bitches?"
BoJack: That is so dumb.
Cuddlywhiskers: But also kind of brilliant, right?

[last lines]
BoJack: As a great woman once said... "Suck a dick, dumbshits!"
Eddie: Where are you going?
BoJack: Home.

Todd: Where am I? Bagels? Pizza? Hipsters? Urine? Am I in Minneapolis?

BoJack: [after Mr Peanutbutter takes credit for the 'D' theft] That son of a bitch! That literal son of a bitch!

Princess: Stop pissing off the orphans. A lot of them grow up to be serial killers.

BoJack: Back in the 90s, I was in a very famous TV show called Horsin' Around.
[man coughs]
BoJack: Please hold your applause. And I remember one time, a fan asked me, "Hey, um, you know that episode where the horse has to give Ethan a pep talk after Ethan finds out his crush only asked him to the dance because her friends were having a dorkiest date contest? In all the shots of the horse, you can see a paper coffee cup on the kitchen counter, but in the shots of Ethan, the coffee cup's missing. Was that because the show was making a statement about the fluctuant subjectivity of memory and how even two people can experience the same moment in entirely different ways?" And I didn't have the heart to be, like, "No, man, some crew guy just left their coffee cup in the shot." So instead, I was, like... "Yeah." And maybe this is like that coffee cup. Maybe we're dumb to try to pin significance onto every little thing. Maybe when someone says, "I see you," it just means, "I see you." Then again, it's possible she wasn't even talking to me because, if I'm being honest, she wasn't really looking at me. She was looking just past me. There was nobody else in the room, so I want to think she was talking to me, but, honestly, she was so far gone at that point, who knows what she was seeing? Who were you talking to, Mom?
[sighs]
BoJack: Not saying, huh? Staying mum? No rimshot there? God, whatever I'm paying you, it's too much.

BoJack: Hey, buddy.
Herb: You come back for that vitamix, you...
[coughs]
BoJack: Ooh, you should get that look at.
Herb: Ha, yeah. I've been meaning to see a doctor.
BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you about... You know, I... feel bad, about what happened.
Herb: So, you're apologizing.
BoJack: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Herb: Okay, I don't forgive you.
BoJack: Herb, I said I'm sorry.
Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
BoJack: Uugh! Not sure you get what's happening here. This could be the last time...
Herb: No, I'm not going to give you closure. You don't get that.
[coughs]
Herb: You have to live the shitty thing, you did, for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never ever going to be okay.
BoJack: I really think that we'd both feel better if we...
Herb: I'm dying. I'm not gonna feel better. And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better.
[coughs]
BoJack: You have to believe me, I did everything I could.
Herb: Yeah, then why didn't you call me? Huh? Twenty years you didn't call me.
BoJack: Look, I-I-I wanted to, but I didn't thin...
Herb: You know what it was like for me? I had nobody, everybody left. I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure, but you?
BoJack: It's not my fault you got fired.
Herb: I don't care about the job! I did fine, I had a good life. But what I needed then was a friend, and you abandoned me, and I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!
BoJack: I...
[sighs]
BoJack: [walks out of Herb's room, pokes his head for a second]
BoJack: Yeah, this is a dumb question, but the gay thing and rectal cancer thing aren't related, are they?
Herb: GET OUT OF HERE!
BoJack: Never mind, stupid question. Forget I brought it up.

BoJack: Look, for a lot of people, life is just one long hard kick in the urethra.

BoJack: The Academy does not look kindly on murder. Rape, they don't seem to have a problem with.

BoJack: I was in the hospital with her those last moments, and they were truly horrifying, full of nonsensical screams and cries, but there was this moment, this one instant of strange calm, where she looked in my direction and said, "I see you." That's the last thing she said to me. "I see you." Not a statement of judgment or disappointment, just acceptance and the simple recognition of another person in a room. "Hello, there. You are a person. And I see you." Let me tell you, it's a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life, your mother sees you. It's an odd realization that that's the thing you've been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn't feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like, "Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me." I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid, and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment. All that I was ready for. I was not ready for "I see you." Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I'm giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn't about connection. Maybe it was a... maybe it was an "I see you," like, "I see you." Like, "You might have the rest of the world fooled, but I know exactly who you are." That's more my mom's speed. Or maybe she just literally meant "I see you. You are an object that has entered my field of vision." She was pretty out of it at the end, so maybe it's dumb to try to attribute it to anything.

Gina: [after getting strangled by BoJack] What the fuck is wrong with you?

J.D. Salinger: Okay, this is it, everybody. Moment of truth. Now it's in the hands of God. And for the next 30 minutes, I am that God.

Pam: After we made love, he covered himself in sheets... like an Arab!

[last lines]
BoJack: You guys hungry?
Todd: I could eat.
BoJack: Ethiopian?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Cool! I haven't had Ethiopian in a while.
Princess: I should go home. I haven't seen my boyfriend in ten days. He's probably worried about me.
Todd: I'm down for Ethiopian! I love that sponge bread!
BoJack: What do they call it? Injera?
Diane Nguyen: Yeah. Injera.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Injera, right.
Princess: That's right.
BoJack: Yeah, that's good bread.

BoJack: What's great about Los Angeles is nobody cares where you're from or who you are. It's a superficial town where you can worry about stupid shit like keeping your pool clean, and what artisanal nuts to put on your salad.
Diane Nguyen: I do like salad.
BoJack: Oh, it's the best! Why do you think people keep moving there?

BoJack: [regarding Diane's life with Guy] How'd you learn how to trust it? The happiness?
Diane Nguyen: I didn't. But I trust him.

Some: Coming up, a food truck that serves just one thing, gravy.

Princess: BoJack! Are you watching MSNBSea right now?
BoJack: Great question. Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea, while simultaneously crippling myself, thus forcing me to watch MSNBSea. So no, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now.

BoJack: [Speaking to Mr. Peanutbutter] Less talkie and more coffee.

Todd: Andrew Garfield hates Mondays, and loves lasagna?

BoJack: I gotta say, I'm really carrying this double act. At least with Penn and Teller, the quiet one does card tricks.

Princess: [Bojack has gifted Ruthie with his painting] Look what Uncle BoJack brought you Ruthie, it's a 1970s pop art interpretation of the Narcissus myth! Perfect gift for a baby.
BoJack: Narcissus? I thought the painting was about me.

Vanessa: Are you okay? You're not your usual medium-clever self.
Princess: Can I ask you something? So, there's work, right? I mean, work makes sense to me. And I'm good at it. I don't feel that way about my baby. I don't think I'm feeling what I'm supposed to feel. What I thought I would feel. I mean, I love her, of course I do. Of course I love my daughter. But...
[sighs]
Princess: But I don't know if I love her. I know I'm a terrible person for even thinking it, but what if it never happens?
Vanessa: Do you love all your clients' projects?
Princess: Of course.
Vanessa: No, you don't. But you take care of them and you keep them alive, because that's your job, right?
Princess: Yeah.
Vanessa: So, now you've got a new job. And it is a ruthless one, and I mean ruthless. You don't have time to waste second-guessing how you feel about it. You just have to do it the best that you can, and know that that's the best you can do.
Princess: You know,
[scoffs]
Princess: we have so much in common. I don't know why we've spent so many years hating each other.
Vanessa: I never hated you. Do you hate me?
Princess: [lying] Uh, no.

BoJack: [First lines, in voice-over] Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit. You're a real stupid piece of shit. But I know I'm a piece of shit. That at least makes me better than all the pieces of shit that don't know they're pieces of shit. Or is it worse?

BoJack: Is it terrifying?
Herb: No. I don't think so. It's the way it is, you know? Everything must come to an end, the drip finally stops.
BoJack: See you on the other side.
Herb: Oh, Bojack, no, there is no other side. This is it.

Todd: You have to watch cheesy old holiday specials on Christmas; it's tradition.
BoJack: Why? They're never any good.
Todd: Things don't become traditions because they're good, BoJack, they become good because they're traditions.

Princess: How long is that doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at three o'clock.
BoJack: You have other clients?
Princess: [sarcastically] No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all day.
BoJack: Are your other clients more talented than I am?
[beat]
BoJack: Your silence speaks volumes.
Princess: [singsongy] That was my intention.

BoJack: My dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, "Wait, did you say he died in a duel?" and "Who dies in a duel?" The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn't get any stores to carry it or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So my father, ever the proud Mary, decided he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn't understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn't like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He'd even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was as batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed: ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he'd actually read the book and what he thought, but, not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.
[murmur]
BoJack: I wish I'd known to go to Jack in the Box then. Maybe I could have gotten a free churro. It would've been nice to have something to show for being the son of Butterscotch Horseman. My darling mother gave the eulogy. My entire life I never heard her say a kind word to or about my father, but at his funeral she said, "My husband is dead, and everything is worse now." "My husband is dead, and everything is worse now." I don't know why she said that. Maybe she felt like that's the kind of thing you're supposed to say at a funeral. Maybe she hoped one day someone would say that about her. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Or maybe she knew that he had frittered away all her inheritance, and replaced it with crippling debt, which is a pretty shitty thing to leave your widow with. "Bad news, you lost a husband, but don't worry, you also lost the house!" Maybe Mom knew she'd have to sell all her fancy jewelry and move into a home. Maybe that's what she meant by "everything is worse now." Is that what you meant, Mom?

BoJack: Hey Todd can you drive me to get my car?
Todd: Uhhhhhhh.
BoJack: I wanted to be responsible last night so I Uber'd home, and left my car in the fountain.

Mr. Peanutbutter: They say 'the devil's in the details,' so let's summon the devil!

Todd: Fool me once. Fool me twice. Fool me chicken soup with rice.

BoJack: You can throw this turd of a book in the garbage, and then light the garbage on fire. In fact you can burn all books because my book, written by me, is going to kick your dick off.

Pickles: [Speaking to Mr. Peanutbutter] Dog, you stay!

[last lines]
Underwater: Hey! Move it, buddy! Whatta you, deaf?
BoJack: [presses button on his suit] Oh, you have got to be k...

Butterscotch: Time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. It merely marches forward.

Tom: Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.
BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically, I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks; Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's O.K. to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

Todd: Hello, I am Mustache Todd. Like regular Todd, but with a mustache.
Mia: Listen, Boo Boo. I didn't graduate first in my class from a prestigious university, rise through the ranks at an elite news organization, win a well-known award, never ever be sick at sea, and also my name is Mia McKibben, so that I could deal with your nonsense.

BoJack: What do I do now?
Diane Nguyen: Well, That's the problem with life, right? Either you know what you want, and then you don't get what you want. Or you get what you want, and then you don't know what you want
BoJack: Well, that's stupid.
Diane Nguyen: Yeah...

Mr. Peanutbutter: All I ever wanted was to be your friend. And you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?
BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter...
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.
BoJack: Because... I'm jealous.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh. Of what? Diane?
BoJack: No. Of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possible owe you?
BoJack: I... want... to feel good about myself. The way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.

Sarah: You know, it's amazing that it's legal for kids to be actors. How is that not child labor? I didn't know what I was signing up for. - I was three.

Richie: These orcas have the floppiest dorsal fins in town.

BoJack: Oh, it's "Hu." Doctor Hu.
Dr. Allen Hu: That's right, Doctor Hu. Doctor Allen Hu.
BoJack: No, no, no, but I thought it was "Who," like Doctor Who.
Dr. Allen Hu: Yes, that's exactly what it's like.
BoJack: No, not H-U, but, "who," like, "Hello, who is it?"
Dr. Allen Hu: Uh, I don't know. Who is it? I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke?

BoJack: Every time someone leaves rehab, it makes you think about your own progress. Some days it feels like you're not progressing at all, other days you think, "Well, maybe a little." The main thing I think about is how stupid I am I didn't do this sooner. I wasted so many years being miserable because I assumed that was the only way to be. But I don't wanna do that anymore.

Pinky: My boss loves this place. Do you know Wanda Pierce? Wanda just got named of programming at NBN. We're here to celebrate. Well that, and she just woke up from a 30 year coma.
BoJack: Wait, she just got out of a 30 year coma and she's the head of programming at a major broadcast network?
Pinky: Well she's been with the company 30 years. Everyone above her kept getting fired.

BoJack: Because in real life did I already say the thing about the urethra?

Henry: There is no shame in dying for nothing. That's why most people die.

Todd: As you know, I was hurt. But then I realised, that's just how you are. You know, and maybe I just need to stop expecting you to be a good person, so that way I won't get hurt when you're not.

Wanda: Hey did something exciting just happen because people on the app, and I quote, 'are losing their tits'. Oh wait, I stumbled onto a cancer support message board.

[last lines]
BoJack: Hey.
Diane Nguyen: Hey.
BoJack: Still here?
Diane Nguyen: Yep. Still here.

BoJack: I do love you, by the way. I mean, as much as I am capable of loving anyone. Which is never enough. I'm sorry.

[repeated line]
Todd: Hooray!

Virgil: Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man to fool me, and I'll be fooled for the rest of my life.

BoJack: This place was supposed to be a fresh start for me. *Rehab* was supposed to be a fresh start. But no matter how many starts I get, there's always the same ending. Everything falls apart, and I end up alone.
Princess: I'm still here, BoJack.
BoJack: Why?
Princess: I don't know. I'm a fool, I guess. And you were my first client. And one time you were drunk and you smiled at me, and I said: "What?" And you said: "I just like being in a room with you. You make rooms good."
BoJack: You still do.
Princess: I have loved you for 25 years, and I never loved anyone better. That kind of love, you only get it when you're young and stupid. I'm not gonna get it again. And when I tell my daughter the story of the great love of my life, I want it to have a happy ending.
BoJack: Is it possible you letting me go *is* the happy ending?

BoJack: [to Diane] Hey, wouldn't it be funny if this night was the last time we ever talked to each other?

BoJack: God Dammit, Honeydew? Jesus, why does Cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party it can bring along its dumb friend Honeydew? You don't get a plus one Cantaloupe.

Todd: BOJACK, IT'S CHRISTMAS!
BoJack: Well,don't get too excited. I didn't get you shit.
Todd: HA! Shows what you know, when you were passed out, I used your credit card, to but me this new hat. Merry Christmas, to me.
[Todd takes off Santa hat, to reveal "new hat", which looks exactly the same has his old one]
BoJack: It looks exactly like your old hat.
Todd: Yeah, it's my favorite kind of hat, Thanks buddy.
BoJack: Okay, great. Christmas transaction complete, please leave now.
Todd: Or we could watch, "Sabrina's Christmas Wish."
BoJack: Hard pass.
Todd: WHAT, come on, you love "Horsin' Around'.
BoJack: Yeah, but I always skip the Christmas ones.
Todd: Because the theme's about family and togetherness are a chilling reminder of your isolation?
BoJack: No, but thank you for that. Todd, special holiday episodes are always stupid. Cynical cash grabs, by greedy corporations, looking to squeeze some extra nelson points, from sentimental clap-trap for mush brain idiots, who'd rather spend their Christmas watching a fake family TV, then actually trying to have a conversation with their own dumb families.
Todd: I like when people on TV, hug each other.

BoJack: [Via his letter] Kelsey, in this terrifying world, all we have are the connections we make. I'm sorry I got you fired. I'm sorry I never called you after.

BoJack: Everyone loves a male feminist. It turns out, the problem with feminism, all along, is it just wasn't men doing it. We're much less shrill.

Character: I was too convincing! Oh, if only I wasn't so good an actress!

[first lines of the series]
BoJack: "Horsin' Around" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sabrina: [sighs] Mondays.
[canned laughter]
BoJack: Well, good morning to you, too.
Sabrina: Oh, hey.
BoJack: Where? I love hay!
[canned laughter]
Charlie: In 1987, the situation comedy "Horsin' Around" premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of "Horsin' Around", BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.
BoJack: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic...
Charlie: It's really no problem.
BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.
Charlie: You parked in a...
BoJack: I'm sorry. Disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature?
Charlie: Maybe you should move the car.
BoJack: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm incredibly drunk. Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it. Yes.
Charlie: Anyway, we were talking about "Horsin' Around". To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?
BoJack: Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over "Horsin' Around", but at the time, I can tell you... Is it okay to say "shit"?
Charlie: Please don't.
BoJack: 'Cause I I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure, but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes, everything's gonna turn out okay. You know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
Charlie: Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation?
BoJack: That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh... Uh, I... Um...

BoJack: The two of you are playing with fire.
Mr. Peanutbutter: A fire called having a good idea.
Todd: Maybe a fire called friendship.
BoJack: Fires aren't called things.
Todd: What about the Chicago fire? Or Gabe.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Who's Gabe?
Todd: Just a fire I meant once, named him Gabe.

Kelsey: BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed.
[beat]
Kelsey: We got it.
BoJack: Really? I didn't cry.
Kelsey: You didn't have to.

BoJack: Why put the "Skip Ad" button so late? I'm not skipping now. I'm invested.
Diane Nguyen: BoJack, you're driving a car right now.

BoJack: Well that was another in a long series of regrettable life choices.

Princess: [reads excerpt from Diane's script] The only longstanding relationship in BoJack's life is with his agent, Princess Carolyn. Her loyalty must come from a deep-rooted faith that she's talented enough to sustain the career of a man that society perceives as a joke.

Diane Nguyen: Okay, I know you're upset...
BoJack: I'm not upset. I'm just sick of nerd-girls like you beating up on stars like me. It's pathetic! I'm sorry no one wanted to date you in high school, Diane, but I don't see why I have to suffer just because you were never especially pretty or interesting.
Diane Nguyen: You really let me down, BoJack.

[as Mr. Peanutbutter's house is returned to the surface]
Jessica: No, please! I'm important down here!

Diane Nguyen: Quoting Sextina Aquafina's song- I hope and pray to god my little fetus has a soul, because I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole.

BoJack: What are we doing just sitting here? I just got nominated for an Oscar. We gotta party like it's 1982, the year Prince released '1999'.

Jessica: The rule of man is over, now begins the rule of fire! I will no longer be shackled by the civilized society of the above ground. This is Underground and the only law here is flame. The fire wants not for justice, the fire wants not for reason, the fire desires only to be fed! Feed the fire!

Beatrice: The man sitting next to me was wearing a t-shirt, a t-shirt Bojack, in the theater.
BoJack: Yes a t-shirt, that is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone in the theater.
Beatrice: The t-shirt told me to 'Just Do It'.
BoJack: Here we go.
Beatrice: I don't know to what 'It' the t-shirt referred, but I will not be spoken to in that tone by an article of clothing.

Princess: Did you ever love me? At all?
BoJack: I don't, I-I'm not... you know that I don't do the whole love thing. Either you end up hurting someone or they hurt you, so what's the point?

Diane Nguyen: Princess Carolyn, wait. I understand you're trying to be helpful, in your own pushy, self-absorbed way.
Princess: Oh, thank you!
Diane Nguyen: But I don't wanna write a middle-grade fiction detective series.
Princess: I think you do, though. Because when I was reading it, I could tell you were having fun.
Diane Nguyen: Yeah, but I'm not writing a book to have fun. If I don't write my book of essays now, I never will.
Princess: So, don't write your book of essays.
Diane Nguyen: I have to!
Princess: Why?
Diane Nguyen: Because if I don't, that means that all the damage I got isn't good damage, it's just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it, and all those years I was miserable was for nothing. I could've been happy this whole time and written books about girl detectives and been cheerful and popular and had good parents, is that what you're saying? What was it all for?
Princess: I-
[sighs]
Princess: I don't know, Diane. All I know is that this book about the girl detective is fun. I liked it. I like thinking that my daughter could grow up in a world with books like that. Or if my daughter's not a reader, a lucrative film adaptation.
Diane Nguyen: When I was a little girl I thought that everything, all the abuse and neglect, it somehow made me... special. And I decided that one day I would write something that would make little girls like me feel less alone. And if I can't write that book...
Princess: Then... Then maybe write this other book. Maybe this book does that, too.
Diane Nguyen: Yeah?

Diane Nguyen: BoJack, when people find out that someone like you, who seems larger than life, is actually just as wounded and vulnerable as they are, it makes them feel less lonely.
BoJack: Ugh, no! Maybe that's what flawed, sad fatties want from other celebrities. But for BoJack Horseman, they want a heroic horse-stud who is awesome and who can save them from their flawed, sad, fatty lives.

Sarah: [her final words] I want to be an architect.

Jessica: The rule of man is over. Now begins the rule of fire!

Song: Keep driving, keep driving / Girl, don't turn that car around / Break your pattern of needing to fix other people / Just keep on driving away
Princess: Ugh, who do they write these songs for?
Song: Don't go back to the restaurant, Princess Carolyn / Keep driving away

Joseph: Alright, believe it or not, time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. It merely marches forward.

Princess: Well, well, well, look what the me dragged in. Is it dragged or drugged?

BoJack: Ugh, Todd, your good-hearted naïveté has once again conspired with outrageous happenstance to completely dick me over!

Lenny: TV pitching is like the Israeli flag, it's nothing without a big star.

Jill: [Talking to the waitress] But before you fold the omelette, I would like the chef to hold the pan up and whisper his or her dreams into it.

Princess: You are loved by millions.
BoJack: That's not a compliment. So is Kim Jong Un and Teri Hatcher.

BoJack: Hey, where's Kelsey?
Lenny: Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene that's not in the movie anymore. Uh, silly me, I didn't like that. So I fired her ass.

Todd: So if anyone asks, you were born in La Jolla, you majored in Communications at USC, and now, you're the booking agent for Kings of Leon.
Becca: Book behk.
Todd: Fine, you also book Beck.

Hollyhock: That voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm dumb and stupid that's just stupid, it goes away it's just a teenage girl thing right.
Hollyhock: Those voices... they go away, right?
BoJack: Yeah, right.

BoJack: I'm not interested in being rebirthed, thank you. I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.

Todd: No? Well, isn't it too late to say no, BoJack? This is the road you chose.

Ana: After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water, so I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them, but you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. Cause those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.
BoJack: [after a long pause] What does that have to do with me?

Herb: The show was never the same after I left, admit it!
BoJack: Some people prefer the later years!

Herb: [after a fight over a telescope] You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admit to yourself that you're a selfish, goddamn coward who takes whatever he want, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts! That's you! That's BoJack Horseman.
BoJack: I don't why I came here.
Herb: Yeah, you do.

Wanda: Mr. Peanutbutter!
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, hey Wanda.
Wanda: I'm only half paying attention to whatever you two are arguing about but it's killer! Now all we need is a happy ending.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I don't think we can just resolve everything cleanly in a half-hour.
Wanda: Uh, this is network television. So resolving everything cleanly in a half-hour is kind of what we do. You want to host a game show where everyone feels bad at the end?
[with increasing force in her voice]
Wanda: You can get in your little car, drive to Santa Monica and pitch it to AMC. But these people want resolution, okay? So you get your little butt back on that stage and you resolve.

Ana: Apparently, the French people do not care for you ever since you said that thing in the press.
BoJack: Hey, I stand by my critique of Sartre. His philosophical arguments helped tyrannical regimes justify overt cruelty. Also, the French smell and I hate them.

BoJack: Maybe because you're skinny, and maybe because you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things. But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person.
Pam: You think I'm pretty?

[repeated line]
Sarah: That's too much, man!

BoJack: A better man than you once said, and I quote, "It's the responsibility of little guys like you to be looking out for big shots like me."
Todd: Who said that?
BoJack: I don't know, Jesus, Ghandi, Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Clean up your shit!

BoJack: And I know I'm not the perfect guy. I actually kind of hate myself a lot of the time. But when- when I'm with you, I, uh, don't hate myself. I like being around you, and I don't know if I ever told you that in so many words, so I'm telling you.

Sarah: I guess I'm at that stage where I don't have to work on myself and can surround myself with sycophants and enablers. I'll probably die tragically young. Them's the breaks!

BoJack: I don't understand why you're being so nice to me. After everything you know about me, and all the shit I've put you through.
Diane Nguyen: When I was in high school, I had this friend. Abby. She was my only friend and we did everything together. Until she got adopted by the cool kids, and then she turned on me, so fast. She used every secret she knew about me, every vulnerabilty. She made me miserable my entire sophomore year. But then that summer, when her mom got sick, like really sick, and all her cool friends were off vacationing in Martha's Vineyard, I was there for her.
BoJack: Why?
Diane Nguyen: Because I'm an idiot. And it was Abby. And I hated her, and I will never forgive her, but she needed me, and... she was my best friend, and I loved her. And now... you're here, and I hate you, but you're my best friend, and you need me.

Diane Nguyen: [Speaking to BoJack] The Winters in Chicago are as cold as shit. I don't know why anyone would build a city there. No wonder that cow started that fire. I get it. I'm on team cow.

Wanda: What happened?
BoJack: Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me and then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.

Todd: Wow, I got a promotion and an apartment all in the same day.
Maude: I never realized my boyfriend was butter.
Todd: You're right, I am on a roll.

BoJack: I used to be on this TV show called "Horsin' Around". Seriously, though, hold your applause.
[pauses]
BoJack: Well held. It was written by my friend Herb Kazzaz, who's also dead now, and it starred this little girl named Sarah Lynn. And it was about these orphans. And early on, the network had a note, "Maybe don't mention they're orphans so much, because audiences tend to find orphans sad and not relatable." But I never thought the orphans were sad. I always thought they were lucky because they could imagine their parents to be anything they wanted. They had something to long for. Anyway, we did this one season finale, where Olivia's birth mother comes to town. And she was a junkie, but she's gotten herself cleaned up, and she wants to be in Olivia's life again. And of course, she's like a perfect grown up version of Olivia, and they go to the mall together and get her ears pierced, like she's always wanted and... Sorry, spoiler alert for the season six finale of "Horsin' Around", if you're still working your way through it. Anyway, the horse tries to warn her, "Be careful, moms have a way of letting you down." But Olivia just thinks the horse is jealous, and when the mom says she's moving to California, Olivia decides to go with her. And the network really juiced the cliffhanger, "Is Olivia gone for good?" But of course, because it's a TV show, she was not gone for good. Of course, because it's a TV show, Olivia's mother had a relapse and had to go back to rehab, so Olivia had to hitchhike all the way home, getting rides from Mr. T, Alf, and the cast of "Stomp". Of course that's what happened, because what are you gonna do, just not have Olivia on the show? You can't have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because if everyone's happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show... has to keep going. There's always more show. And you can call "Horsin' Around" dumb, or bad, or unrealistic, but there is nothing more realistic than that. You never get a happy ending, 'cause there's always more show.
[pauses]
BoJack: I guess until there isn't.

Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack, what is the average annual rainfall in Bora Bora?
BoJack: Uh, this is general knowledge?
Mr. Peanutbutter: It's just an average we're asking for.
BoJack: I don't know. Seven?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Wrong! So wrong. Wow, when it comes to Bora Bora, maybe this celebrity should have studied more-a more-a.

BoJack: [Talking on the phone] Mom, can I talk to you for awhile, or is this the one night a year you emerge from your crypt?

[repeated line]
BoJack: Oh God...

Mr. Peanutbutter: These poor guys. I wonder if they had kids...? families...? Who will never know...
Flip: Could you just say the lines, please?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Barf me a river, fartbags!

BoJack: Life's a bitch and then you die, right?
Diane Nguyen: Sometimes life's a bitch and you keep living.

BoJack: I never subscribed to the L.A. Gazette. I never read the L.A. Gazette. I have called this number so many times to ask you to stop sending it to me. Yet every morning I open my door on a new addition of the L.A. Gazette. It's like I'm living in a really boring episode of The Twilight Zone.

BoJack: [to the bartender] Give me a bottle of something to help me forget my problems.
[the bartender gives him a bottle of cyanide]
BoJack: Ooh, maybe not *that* strong.
[the bartender gives him a bottle of vodka]
BoJack: What is this, breakfast?
[the bartender gives him a bottle of absinthe]
BoJack: Yeah, that's about right.

Sextina: [pimping her new single] America, get yo' uteruses turnt, 'cause this song is called "Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus".

BoJack: So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, "Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?" Not, "How are you doing today?" No. "Are you having an awesome day?" Which is pretty shitty because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I'm not having an "awesome day," suddenly I'm the negative one. Usually when people ask how I'm doing, the real answer is I'm doing shitty, but I can't say I'm doing shitty, because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, "I'm doing shitty," then they say, "Why? What's wrong?" And I have to be like, "I don't know, all of it?" So instead, when people ask me how I'm doing, I usually say, "I am doing so great." But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, well, today I'm actually allowed to feel shitty, today I have a good reason, so I said to her, "Well, my mom died." And she immediately burst into tears. So now *I* have to comfort *her*, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there's a line of people forming behind me, who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she's bawling, and she's saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," and I'm like, "It's fine, it's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but, you know, it's... fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I've kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh?" And the girl apologizes, again, and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I'm leaving, I think, "I just got a free churro because my mom died." No one ever tells you when your mom dies, you get a free churro.

Rutabaga: Carolyn you are my gritty witty city kitty, I want you wit me fitty fitty.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Admit it! You like my girlfriend.
BoJack: Oh, come on. I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no.

BoJack: [about Todd's rock opera] That was, and I don't say this lightly, worse than a hundred September 11ths.
Todd: [sadly] Yeah, you're right. This was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.
[jovially]
Todd: Well, guess I'll give up forever.
BoJack: That's the spirit!

Wanda: That was fantastic. Of course I haven't had sex in 30 years. I hope.

BoJack: I feel like we can beat this font. Ah, Copperplate, a font for the truly modern man. Ha, no! There you are, Verdana. Thought you though you could hide at the end of the alphabet, did ya? Oh, Comic Sans, you drunk, go home. 3:10? I just spent six hours playing with fonts? Holy shit!

BoJack: I actually had a near-death experience recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I'm an actor, I do my own stunts. I'm on this new show "Philbert." I'm Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn't come out yet, but it's already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz...
[inhales]
BoJack: I'm supposed to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up 'cause of the shooting schedule, I don't even know what morning means anymore. There's a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who's been to so many funerals, he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves.
[gulps]
BoJack: Anyway, you know what I thought, when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? "Won't they be sorry." Cool thought, brain.
[rimshot plays]
BoJack: No, that wasn't... would you just... dial it back, all right? I don't even know what "they" I wanted to be sorry. My mom, even before she died, could barely remember who I was. And of course, my dad's dead. The last conversation I ever had with him was about his novel. He was so certain this book was his legacy. Maybe he thought it would vindicate him for all the shitty things he ever did in his stupid worthless life. Maybe it did, I don't know. I never read it, because why would I give him that?

Sandro: [Speaking to BoJack] You are the opposite of an onion. Because if I cut you I'm no gonna cry.

BoJack: I don't want to talk to someone. What I want is to have control over my own life. Which is why I'm begging you to please cancel my delivery of the L.A. Gazette.
The: I don't think you want to do that.
BoJack: I promise you that I do.
The: No, because that's just theater. It allows you to think you're in control, but the whole idea of control is a myth. The universe is a wild beast. You can't tame it, all you can do is try to live inside it.

Jorge: Todd, this is serious.
Todd: I understand. You are very serious. You read serious books and listen to SiriusXM.

Todd: Call me 4 out of 5 dentists, 'cause I agree!
Yolanda: ...What?

BoJack: [surprised] Slap my salami, the guy's a Commie!

[first lines]
Butterscotch: [drives a car. Young BoJack is waiting for him while holding a football] Yes, I see you. Get in. Get in.
[pauses while BoJack gets into the car and then he starts to drive]
Butterscotch: Your mother is having another one of her episodes. Last night, she went to see "A Doll's House" with a couple girlfriends, and now she has ideas. I emerged from my sanctum this afternoon to discover that not only had she not made me lunch, which is a meal I need in order to live, but she'd furthermore locked herself in the bathroom to weep... loudly. Now, it's one thing for a woman to weep, but when they do it at such a volume you can hear it through the door, that's when you know they're doing it just for the attention. Anyway, I was able to cobble together a sandwich for myself, so I'm the real hero of the story. It was a couple hours later when I realized I was on a good run with my novel. I had this really interesting sentence that kept going for pages and pages, and I thought about how rare it is to really get in the groove like that. How most days I can't concentrate, because my idiot child is blasting the television, and it suddenly dawned on me: Hot cock on a rock, she never even picked up the little noise and snot factory! So here I am, being your mother, which I know is giving you all sorts of mixed up ideas about gender, while your brain is still loose and stupid. Just remember, if you become a queer later in life, this isn't my fault. Don't you sing no songs in your nightclub act called, "My Daddy was My Mommy" while gazing longingly at a tangled string of pearls. Pearls are for ladies, BoJack. Pearls are for ladies. You know Sunday is my writing day. Sundays are the one day that are just for me and my craft, and still you and the black hole that birthed you conspire to ruin it for me! What am I supposed to do now? Just go back to writing? I'm out of the zone now, the whole day's shot! All because of you and that brittle wisp of a woman you made the mistake of making your mother.
[pauses, then sighs]
Butterscotch: No, it's not her fault. She's doing the best she can, after all. It's just that, you can't depend on women. You can't depend on anyone. Sooner or later, you need to learn that no one else is gonna take care of you. That's what I learned when I had to make my own sandwich. You can't rely on other people, BoJack. It's good for you to know. And she's a good mother for teaching you that. You've got a head start on most kids. You're actually very lucky.
[pauses, clearly expecting BoJack to say something. He never does, just looks out through the window. Butterscotch aggressively leans over towards him]
Butterscotch: Thaaaaank youuuuuu?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Um... do you want to talk about what happened?
Diane Nguyen: What happened? No. I don't want to talk about what happened. I just want to clean up.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Ok.
Diane Nguyen: Why, what do you think happened?
Mr. Peanutbutter: I just...
Diane Nguyen: Because what I think happened is that Bojack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to, and I said Tony Curtis died.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh...
Diane Nguyen: And you said, "Did he?"
Mr. Peanutbutter: Right, but...
Diane Nguyen: And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said "Really? I'm not sure about that."
Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah.
Diane Nguyen: And I said, "Well I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."
Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh huh.
Diane Nguyen: And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead." And you said, "Let's check the internet!"
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, I know, but...
Diane Nguyen: And I said, "We don't need to check the internet, I'm telling you, he's dead." And you said, "Let's just check though."
[breaks plate in half]
Diane Nguyen: Is that what you think happened?
Mr. Peanutbutter: So, do you want to talk about it? Because it kind of feels like you want to talk about it.

BoJack: Charlie, listen, you know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over "Horsin' Around", but at the time I can tell you - Is it okay to say "shit"?

[last lines]
BoJack: Oh God, lungs on fire.
[Stops to catch his breath before resuming]
BoJack: Ow, crap. I hate this. Running is terrible, everything is the worst.
[Lying down, panting heavily]
BoJack: Oh my God, oh my God.
Jogger: [stands over BoJack] It gets easier.
BoJack: Huh?
Jogger: Everyday, it gets a little easier.
BoJack: Yeah?
Jogger: But you gotta do it everyday, that's the hard part. But it does get easier.
[Jogger runs off]
BoJack: [to himself] Okay?

Jorge: [to Security Guard] Oh, thank God you're here! I saw someone at the buffet putting ketchup on a hot dog!

Diane Nguyen: I'm excited to be on my own. I can do whatever I want. I can pick up in the middle of the night and go to Disney World or Vietnam.
BoJack: Do you mean literally Vietnam, or like when Old Navy told me they were looking for a fresher face for their performance fleece commercials, and they ended up with Sherman Hemsley?
Diane Nguyen: What?
BoJack: That was *my* Vietnam.

Princess: [referring to Mr. Peanutbutter] Even if he stole your stealing of the D, what he made his was telling Diane how he felt from his heart. You could never say it to me, and you still can't say it to her.
BoJack: That's not true. I can express feelings.
[cutaway to BoJack with his hand over a burning stove]
BoJack: Nothing on the outside. Nothing on the inside.

Beatrice: I don't understand. Where- where am I?
BoJack: You're- in Michigan.
Beatrice: Michigan?
BoJack: Yeah. At the lakehouse.
Beatrice: I am?
BoJack: And it's a- it's a warm summer night, and the fireflies are dancing in the sky, and your whole family is here, and they're telling you that everything is gonna be alright.
Beatrice: Yes, that's right. What else?
BoJack: The crickets are- are chirping, and the lake is still. And the night is full of stars.
Beatrice: I can see it, it's so clear. What- what are we doing here, BoJack?
BoJack: We're sitting on the back porch, and we're listening to your brother play the piano, and we're eating ice cream. Vanilla ice cream.
Beatrice: Yes, that's right. Oh, it's all so marvelous.
BoJack: Can you taste the ice cream, mom?
Beatrice: Oh, BoJack. It's so- delicious.

Flip: Can we get some ice? Can we get some *nipple* ice for Gina?

Princess: BoJack, tell us every bad thing you ever did.
BoJack: [sighs] It's gonna be a long night.

BoJack: All I know about being good I learned from TV. And in TV, flawed characters are constantly showing people they care with these surprising grand gestures. And I think that part of me still believes that's what love is. But in real life, the big gesture isn't enough. You need to be consistent, you need to be dependably good. You can't just screw everything up, and then take a boat out into the ocean to save your best friend, or solve a mystery and fly to Kansas. You need to do it every day, which is so... hard. When you're a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough. That even though your parents aren't what you need them to be, over and over and *over* again, at any moment they might surprise you with something... wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof, that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting. Hey, Mom, knock once if you love me and care about me and want me to know I made your life a little bit brighter.
[pauses while nothing happens]

BoJack: I told you I don't know where it is. Don't put things in my butt if you want them back.
Laura: [confused] And... hold for Princess Carolyn.

Princess: Oh fish. Of course! Why would you ever make things easy for me when instead you could make things incredibly difficult. Laura! Clear our my schedule! I have to push a boulder up a hill and then have it roll over me time and time again with no regard for my well-being!

BoJack: [Reading list of women he's slept with] Tonya Harding? She's not gonna be happy to see me. She said sleeping with me is the worst thing she ever did.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Crack an egg on your head. Let the yolk drip down.

Secretariat: The weak breeze whispers nothing/The water screams sublime/His feet shift, teeter-totter/Deep breath, stand back, it's time/Toes untouch the overpass/Soon he's water bound/Eyes locked shut but peek to see/The view from halfway down
[audience claps and the spotlight appears on the black corridor]
Secretariat: I'm not done! Hold on, I'm not done. I'm not done.
Secretariat: A little wind, a summer sun/A river rich and regal/A flood of fond endorphins/Brings a calm that knows no equal/You're flying now/You see things much more clear than from the ground/It's all okay, it would be/Were you not now halfway down
[the light comes onto the black corridor again, closer this time. Secretariat's voice becomes more agitated]
Secretariat: Thrash to break from gravity/What now could slow the drop/All I'd give for toes to touch/The safety back at top
[the black corridor is now right behind him]
Secretariat: I change my mind! I change my mind! I don't wanna...
Herb: [soothingly] It's okay.
Secretariat: [the black corridor disappears for a minute. Secretariat continues] But this is it, the deed is done/Silence drowns the sound/Before I leaped I should've seen/The view from halfway down/
[the black corridor is now right behind him]
Secretariat: No!/I really should've thought about/The view from halfway down!
Herb: Find your peace, big guy. Find it.
Secretariat: [with fear in his voice] I wish I could've known about/The view from halfway down!

Wanda: Wanna talk about the elephant in the room?
Elephant: Wow. Okay. You know what? You know what? Here's First of all Wow. All right, I can't even
[groans]
Elephant: You know what? I
[scoffs]
Elephant: Wow.
BoJack: He is never gonna forget that.

Gina's: [to Gina] What the fuck is wrong with you?

Todd: BoJack, stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid! It's you! Alright? It's you. Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

BoJack: Can't believe Diane thought this was so hard.
[mocking Diane]
BoJack: Ow, my fingers are cramping from all this typing. It's like they're having their period.
Todd: Did Diane really say that?
BoJack: No, but my fingers are cramping. It's like they're having their period.

BoJack: I'm not gonna stand up here and pretend I ever understood how to please that woman, even though so much of my life has been wasted in vain attempts to figure it out. But I keep going back to that moment in the ICU when she looked at me, and...
[pauses, realizing]
BoJack: I-C-U. "I... see... you." Jesus Christ, we were in the intensive care unit. She was just reading a sign.
[pauses again, taking it in]
BoJack: My mom died and all I got was this free churro.
[pauses again with a pained expression]
BoJack: You know the shittiest thing about all of this? Is when that stranger behind the counter gave me that free churro, that small act of kindness showed more compassion than my mother gave me her entire goddamn life. Like, how hard is it to do something nice for a person? This woman at the Jack in the Box didn't even know me. I'm your son! All I had was you!

[last lines]
Pig: You're pregnant.
Diane Nguyen: Motherf...

Character: [to Mother Superior] When you get to Heaven, look up Margo Martindale! I won't be there, but my movies will!
[speeds off in a sports car]

Princess: Assistants are like Belushi brothers, the good ones leave too soon, and the bad ones never go away.

Henry: There is no meaning in death. That's why it's so terrifying.

BoJack: Yea, I'm calling this road-trip a double-O seven, because we are going to bond.

BoJack: If you're going to put things up my butt, don't ask for them back.

BoJack: Oh, you think what you do is *so hard*?
[mocks Diane]
BoJack: Oh, I'm a writer. I go to coffee shops with my laptop and my notebook and my dumb glasses that I have to wear because I'm so important I have to see clearly.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Sweetie, you know I support you, whatever you want to do, but you're not gonna find what you're looking for in these awful made-up places. The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead.

Diane Nguyen: I think there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them, even if they were never meant to be in your life forever.
Diane Nguyen: I'm glad i knew you too.
BoJack: Knew, huh?
Diane Nguyen: Mm
BoJack: Hey, wouldn't it be funny if this night was the last time we ever talked to each other?

BoJack: You know what the problem is, with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.
Diane Nguyen: I want to hear the truth. I don't know if you want to tell it though.

[first line, continued from the previous episode]
Diane Nguyen: -ucker!

Princess: Face it, you're afraid of commitment.
BoJack: I am not afraid of commitment. I commit to things all the time. It's the following through on that commitment that I take issue with.

Beatrice: Go out there.
BoJack: I can't.
Beatrice: Can't lives in a house on Won't Street. You will not embarrass me in front of the entire Supper Club. I told them you were going to sing the Lollipop Song.
BoJack: But I don't feel like singing.
Beatrice: Nobody gives a damn what you feel. You've got an audience out there and they want to hear you sing. Now, you want your mommy to love you? You go out there and you do the only thing youre good for, which is singing the goddamn Lollipop Song.

Kyle: [on the phone with BoJack, pretending to be a recording for a cable company] Could you tell me what channel Netflix is on?

Princess: Sometimes life is like the second season of Friday Night Lights. You have to push through and hope there's better stuff ahead.

BoJack: So there was no mention of another bigger celebrity in the document you faxed me?
Wanda: Oh, I couldn't read it. My fax machine cut it up into little strips.
BoJack: That sounds like a shredder.
Wanda: Yeah well, I guess I shredded it to you.

BoJack: Cuddlywhiskers, let's give ourselves one night to stick our dicks in this script and go balls deep into the universe.

[repeated line]
BoJack: Shut up Todd.

BoJack: [typing] My parents loved me so much, it was crazy. I remember one Sunday afternoon, my mother said, "Your father and I want to spend quality family time together. All the kids in school envy your intelligence and kickball ability. Here's an ice cream sundae." No, wait. "An ice cream sandwich." No. "A dreamsicle." No. I don't know. This is dumb.
Butterscotch: [in fantasy, slaps young BoJack] Nice writing, Shakespeare.
Young: [in fantasy] What did I do?

BoJack: You know, sometimes I think I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me and now its all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it?

Mr. Peanutbutter: No goodbye? Well he's a conversational Amelia Earhart.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Todd, it's all happening!
Todd: Hooray! And you know I don't throw that word around lightly.

[repeated line]
Mr. Peanutbutter: BoJack Horseman! What is this, a crossover episode?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Mr. Peanutbutter: The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't the search for meaning; is to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you will be dead.

[last lines]
BoJack: See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past, or how we'll be remembered. The only thing that matters is right now. This moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn? Sarah Lynn?

Sarah: [singing] Why don't you touch my prickly muffin? My prickly muffin. Ooh, it's prickly and it's muffin and it's...
[auto-tuned]
Sarah: It's a ready for your stuffin'!

BoJack: So then we had sex.
The: What? Why?
BoJack: I dunno. I was lonely, she was there. Why does anyone have sex with anyone?
The: Intimacy? Affection? A deep need to connect to the world at large. The same reasons 3 million people subscribe to the L.A. Gazette.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, I say California's tired of rolling over! What do YOU say?
[Crowd shouts "Yeah!"]
Mr. Peanutbutter: I say it's time for me to stand up and speak!
Diane Nguyen: Diane-Diane-what now?

Sextina: [singing new single "Get Dat Fetus, Kill Dat Fetus"] I'm a baby killer, baby killing makes me horny. Aliens inside me, I'm gonna squash it like Sigourney.
Jay: Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus! Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus!
Sextina: Brrap brrap pew pew! Brrap brrap pew pew!
Sextina: I'm a dolphin doll face, bitches in my crawlspace. Have abortions sometimes? No, I'mma have abortions always!
Jay: Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus! Get dat fetus, kill dat fetus!
Sextina: Brrap brrap pew pew! Brrap brrap pew pew!
Sextina: [bridge] And sometimes I do have doubts and it's hard to sleep.
Jay: Tell it!
Sextina: I think about my child's heartbeat and oh, it makes me weep. I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul. Because I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole.

Rutabaga: Can you really afford to be picky? What? I'm just saying, what, you think you're gonna find some perfect unattached guy who's gonna love you like I do? Who's gonna make you laugh and feel good about yourself? This is it, Carolyn, this is what you get. If you're holding out for something better, well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna be alone for a long time.
Princess: I'm not afraid of being alone. And you might wanna find someplace else to work, because you're not coming with me.
Rutabaga: Wait, wait, wait, what? It's my company.
Princess: My name is on all the paperwork. I think I can do it without you. Good luck.
Rutabaga: Whoa, Carolyn, we just... Come on, Carolyn!
Princess: My name is *Princess* Carolyn.

Mr. Peanutbutter: No wonder my wife had to write your book for you.
BoJack: Hey, yeah, you know, while we're talking about your wife, I've got a question. How come your wife flew all the way to war-torn Cordovia just to get away from you?
Mr. Peanutbutter: That's not what happened. She went to help people.
BoJack: Or maybe she went to help herself get away from her awful marriage. Oh, was that too far?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh-ho, you want to get into things?
BoJack: Well, I mean...
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, no, no, no, no. Let's get into things. Let's get real. Everybody, BoJack wants to get real. Cancel the Bubble Round. Because we're getting real.

BoJack: I can't tell if you're being smart or stupid.
Todd: Oh, I never know.
BoJack: I think you had it for a moment, and then you lost it.
Todd: Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted, right?
BoJack: Sure. It was nice while it lasted.

BoJack: [repeated line, a few episodes] It doesn't matter. Nothing... matters.

Anonymous: Do you think Israel has a right to defend herself? And what part should U.S. play as an ally?
BoJack: It's a shame that Arafat walked away from the table in 2000. I mean, obviously, there's no panacea but a two-state solution with an emphasis on human rights feels like a place to begin.

Joseph: Beatrice, you're looking well! Which is just fine, because your debutante party is vitally important.
Beatrice: Will it end poverty, war and injustice, or bring back civil rights activist Medgar Evers, who was shot in Mississippi this week?
Joseph: Yes! Or rather it will end you worrying about that nonsense, because it will land you a husband.
Beatrice: At least Evers' death means no-one else will be assassinated this year, 1963. The FBI is on too high alert to allow anything like that to happen again.

BoJack: Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower so I can't tell if I'm crying or not.

Ending: Back in the '90s, I was in a very famous TV show. / I'm Mr. Peanutbutter
[Oh, yeah!]
Ending: / Now tell how can I get no vote? / Yeah, I'm for the future, yeah / Everyone will get a free TV
[All right!]
Ending: / I'll put my face on billboards / The entire world will see / Yeah, I promise peace and love / Across the broken land / Yeah, I'm your governor / Mr. Peanutbutter man / I'm tasty and good-lookin' / 'Cause that's just who I am
[Go vote!]

Judah: So, the Stephen King musical opened right next door to the Sondheim revival. We have clients in both and I was worried there'd be tension, but it turns out Misery loves Company.

Henry: Let us now read his final tweets: "I'm gonna live forever! #cancerfree #invincible #tweetingwhiledriving", "Oh, no, I think I'm gonna hit that truck. #hopefullyitisntfullofpeanuts #ohnoitwasfullofpeanuts"

BoJack: I don't trust that guy. I bet he's seen "Home Alone"
Wanda: BoJack, I'm starting to lose the thread of your character. You think you can drop the "jealous boyfriend" routine? It feels a little done.
BoJack: You're right. I'm sorry. Call me Snoop Dogg because I will "drop it like it's hot."
Wanda: BoJack, I don't... Oh! I got that one! Snoopy the dog. From Peanuts. Ok.

Diane Nguyen: Ten minutes, swear to God. You can play with this kaleidoscope I got you at the airport.
BoJack: What? A kaleidoscope? I'm not five...
[looks through the kaleidoscope]
BoJack: Shapes and colors the likes of which I've never seen.

BoJack: Taneisha, nobody completes anybody. That's not a real thing! If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don't let go, no matter what.
Taneisha: So what? I should just... settle?
BoJack: Yes! Thank you, exactly: settle! Because, otherwise, you're just gonna get older and harder and more alone. And you're gonna do everything you can to fill that hole- with friends and your career and meaningless sex, but the hole... doesn't get filled. And one day you're going to look around and you're going to realize that everybody loves you... but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

BoJack: Can you recommend another facility?
Dr. Pepin: Frankly at your mothers' situation, she doesn't have much time left.i recommend she spends it surrounded by the people who care about her.
BoJack: Ookay.. Who are they? Do you have their number?

Diane Nguyen: Hey! What seems to be the problem?
BoJack: Good grief. I'm so depressed. I just want everyone to love me, but I don't know how to make them do it.
Diane Nguyen: You can't force love, you blockhead. All you can do is be good to the people in your life and keep your heart open.

Todd: Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go?
BoJack: Linus walked around with a blanket, and no one gave him shit for it.

Secretariat: Secretariat: BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running, and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.

BoJack: Once again, my life has been worsened by a brush with musical theater.

Diane Nguyen: Mr. Peanutbutter is nice to me! He's kind and he's generous and he's loyal.
Wayne: You know what your problem is? You're trying to be a Zelda but you're so obviously a Zoe.
Diane Nguyen: Ugh! Don't label me. You don't know who I am.
Wayne: You can live your happy Zelda life in this happy Zelda town and pretend you're a happy Zelda, but I know you, and this isn't you. People don't change, Diane, not really. Mr. Peanutbutter's a Zelda. He's happy and he's carefree and he's loving, but you and me, we're Zoes... We're Zoes, Diane. We're cynical and we're sad and we're mean. There's a darkness inside you, and you can bury it deep in burritos as big as your head, but someday soon, that darkness is gonna come out, and when it does, I want you to call me.

BoJack: Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend?
Butterscotch: Imaginary friends are freeloaders invented by Communists to ripoff Welfare. Why don't you do something productive like bang your head against the wall until your brain isn't so stupid.

Princess: Hey, you know what i do when I have really, bad, awful, terrible day?
BoJack: What?
Princess: I imagine my great, great, great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me, she's poised and funny and tells people about me and how everything's worked out in the end, and when I think about that I think about how everything's going to work out because how else could she tell people?
BoJack: But it's... fake.
Princess: Yeah well... it makes me feel better.

BoJack: You know what your problem is? You think you're so much smarter than everybody. Well, guess what? I spent as much time with you as you did with me. Why don't I write a book about how you married Mr. Peanutbutter because he's too dumb to see how much better you think you are?