The Best Congressman David Dilbeck Quotes

Darrell: Hey, are you that guy from Price is Right?
Congressman David Dilbeck: No! I'm Congressman David Dilbeck!
Darrell: Congressman? No shit! Well, I steal wheelchairs, so we got a lot in common.

Erb: David...
[sees Dilbeck's attire]
Erb: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
Erb: Hot out of the Maytag.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Oh!
[inhales deeply]
Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!

Erb: Why are you all shiny?
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
Erb: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
Erb: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
Erb: All right. The Young Christians are waiting, so...
Congressman David Dilbeck: When will I see her?
Erb: It's in the works.
Congressman David Dilbeck: When?
Erb: [finally fed up] It's in the works! Clean yourself up! I did not go into politics to pimp for a twisted old fuck like you! I've had it, Davey. I quit.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You are such a child.

Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know how much I love you. I even sent my man Erb to collect your lint!
Erin: My *lint*?
Congressman David Dilbeck: Fresh, hot lint!
Erin: And what did you do with that fresh, hot lint?
Congressman David Dilbeck: Well, I'm afraid I made love to it.

Congressman David Dilbeck: I'm about to mount this here filly!
[Erin pulls out a gun]
Congressman David Dilbeck: Maybe not.

Congressman David Dilbeck: [while Erin is stripteasing for him on his private boat and making conversation] I can't do that!

Congressman David Dilbeck: Everybody has a bad night, especially if they're under the pressure, like we are, under the public eye of...! Who recognized me?
Malcolm: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Now?
Malcolm: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
Malcolm: Because... it's not about money.
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
Malcolm: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
Malcolm: He's not sleeping with her.
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
Malcolm: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.

Congressman David Dilbeck: That doesn't look like a regular visitation, does it Erb?

Congressman David Dilbeck: See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw.

Congressman David Dilbeck: [practicing in front of a mirror] Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck. You are... you're a beauty.
[Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
Erin: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
[Dilbeck nods dumbly]
Erin: [little laugh] And you must be...
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
[laughs nervously]
Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.

Congressman David Dilbeck: My brain has just turned to shit...
Chris: Well hey, that's why you're in Congress!

Erin: If I come back tomorrow, can we talk more about my case?
Congressman David Dilbeck: We can talk about anything you want, long as you're naked.

Malcolm: This is a major disaster! Major! Unbelievable! Without doubt, the most ludicrous piece of human behavior...
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
Malcolm: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
Malcolm: I can't? When you go psycho in a girlie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Freaking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, freaking hands!