1000 Best American Dad! Quotes

Hayley: It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.

Gay: Women don't ask for much, do they?
Stan: No, just don't pee in the shower on her birthday, and you're good to go.

Kid: [Stan's mind is in the body of a racehorse] Hey, can I pet your horse?
Roger the Alien: Sure.
[Kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes]
Roger the Alien: Honey, don't do that. Horses don't like being poked in the eyes.
[the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again]
Roger the Alien: Stop that. He doesn't like it.
Stan: [the kid makes to poke at Stan's eyes again] If you ever do that again I'm going to come round to your house and kick your Mom to death right in front of you!
Kid: Ahh! Ahh!
[Runs away terrified]

Francine: The only good hairdresser in town is Mr Beauregard, and it's impossible to get an appointment unless you know somebody.
Klaus: But Francine, you do know somebody. You know Roger. Oh, wait, he's just a nobody.
Roger the Alien: [gasps] Don't... cry... in front of the fish!

Stan: [about how the house is decorated for Christmas] Seriously? I'd give you an "A" for effort, but this isn't U.C. Santa Cruz.
Steve: What did we do wrong?
Stan: Where do I start? Well, for one thing, the stockings. They're supposed to be hung with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there. The INXS guy hung himself with more care. And the nativity scene. The three Wise Men look like transvestites, but the mannish kind. Not the attractive Asian kind you're always hoping your friends will hire for your birthday party.

Hayley: Hey, Roger, we have something that might cheer you up.
Roger: Don't look at me. I'm hideous! I'm a hideous monster.
Steve: Not anymore.
Roger: Rick Baker's Celebrity Nose Kit?
Steve: They're latex copies of actual celebrities noses.
Roger: [gasps] Just like porn stars do with their genitals.

Roger the Alien: So, were you serious about trading places?
Stan: Hey, you want to start a job, pay the bills, deal with everyone's problems? Be my guest. When it all gets too much for you, I'll be getting drunk up in the attic.

Stan: Steve, your mom and I are paying a lot of money for you to go to this school.
Steve: More like so you can go! All you care about is taking me there so you can be friends with that senator.
Stan: Friends? Did he use that word?
Steve: God, you're embarrassing! But you're gonna be way more embarrassed if you make me go back there. I'll act like a wolfman.
Stan: No, you won't.
Steve: I'm a wolfman. My dad is Stan Smith. Don't put him on any task forces!
Stan: You wouldn't do that!
Steve: And I'd pant real fast! Wear makeup under the eyes. Is that what you want, Dad? You know I got the pipes!
[makes a howling noise and the monster hunter breaks through the window]
Monster: Die, demon of the night!
Stan: I was joking!
Steve: He was joking!
Monster: What? Don't joke about that.
Steve: I won't!
Stan: We won't!
Monster: I do a serious job. I don't need this.
Stan: We really appreciate everything you do.

Roger the Alien: [after a hallucinogenic meal] I just don't have the words for it. Schmooblydong. Is that a word?

Snot: Where are we? Smells like a Depeche Mode concert.

Stan: [Roger tries to talk to the president. Stan slams a door in his face so he falls down] Uuh, that's our maid.
George W. Bush: Oh, fun! I love Mexicans! Some say they're essential to our economy. Others say they're a drain on our resources. All I know is, burritos are delicious!

Francine: [points at Jeff] Look at him... still rocks a goatee... poser ass bitch!

Steve: We all had a black friend!

Steve: Seriously, can't you do *anything*?
Roger the Alien: I can get my feelings hurt and throw a world-class hissy fit!

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Judge: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Dr. Miller: Easy, bud. Your troubles are over.
Stan: Really? 'Cause to me, they seem to be starting. Why don't you turn off the drill, and we'll talk about point of view. You see, every villain is the hero of his own -- apple, cinnamon, monkey, toaster.

Klaus: [Hayley runs naked outside] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: Help! Raccoons took my penis!

Roger the Alien: Oh, Staniel!

Stan: What happened?
Francine: You were about to tell me about my birthday present, then you started making bird noises, got an erection and started tongue-kissing the air.

Cinema: That'll be eight fifty.
Stan: Eight fifty? In the newspaper it said five fifty.
Cinema: That's when the movie starts sir. That's why you showed up at five fifty.
Stan: Feel good? Feel like a big man?

Roger the Alien: Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

Principal: [over the intercom] Word is, those nerds managed to put the slip on the drama geeks. Guess it's up to the stoners to take them down now. Lunch tomorrow will be fish sticks and tartar sauce.

Hayley: [to Stan] What's the deal with the flower?
Stanley: On our wedding day, I placed this yellow flower in your mom's white bouquet. It symbolized her sunshine brightening my otherwise cloudy world.
Hayley: Dad, I've never seen this side of you. It's so sweet.
Stanley: Well, if you tell anybody, I'll kill you.
[he and Hayley laugh]
Stanley: I'm serious. I will kill you. I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart and eat it, all of it, every last bit. Well, sweet dreams, angel.

Steve: Get my tub of chalk. I'm gonna write some swear words in the driveway, blow off some steam.

Hayley: [to Roger about his disguise] Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat?
Roger the Alien: Eight months preggers. They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.

[repeated line]
Roger: Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you

Stan: [about Cookie] How do we sober her up?
Roger the Alien: We don't. She's she is strung out, but she's a heavy user with a massive tolerance, so she might pull it together. She also might die. Either way, I'm eating dessert. I've been very good this week.

Roger: If I can't make friends with Jeff face-to-face, I'll have to do it the way fat people do: over the internet.

Roger: [When Roger and Francine are practicing their dance routine and Francine accidentally drops Roger, causing him to fall on the floor] Oh, my God, you stupid bitch. Why did you drop me? I can't breathe. Why can't you do that move? You stupid bitch. I'll kill you.

Hand: The Egg... is Collected!

Roger the Alien: There's only one thing I do with non-blended drinks and that's drive.

Stan: [to Johnny] Bam! Dead kid! Mama's crying as she takes your crayon drawings off the fridge!

The: I'm not going back to Tooth Fairy Duty, not after the way I quit! Did you know there's DNA in poo? 'Cos I didn't!

Francine: Great Grizzly Adams! Who fired the gardener?

Francine: [to Roger] What a cute beret.
Roger: Cute? Puppies are cute! Reese Witherspoon before children was cute.

Steve: Jewel, I'd like you to meet my friends.
Toshi: Godzilla!
[Steve's friends run away]

Francine: Oh, come on, Hiko. Let 'em have some fun. College is years away.
Hiko: That attitude is why my children will attend Harvard while Steve will be lucky to be wait-listed at an online, offshore college.
Francine: Oh, you whore.

Hayley: My film was the biggest hit in Groff Community College history. I got a "check plus-plus". That's like a "C" at Arizona State.

Stan: [Speaking to Steve] Now son, these Mexican callgirls have seen thousands of men. So when they tell you you're the best they've ever had, it's quite a compliment.

Stan: Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
Klaus: There might be some room left in the vast wasteland between your testicles and anus, hmm?
Stan: Nope, occupado.
[pulls out a spiked ball and chain]

Stan: The new Pixar movie, Clothes. It's about the secret lives of clothes. John Ratzenberger plays a tie.

Francine: Check it out.
[goofy voice]
Francine: I'm Doctor Fart Face, and I need 10cc of diarrhea.

Steve: Don't you have any feelings?
Stanley: Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.

Francine: You quit your job!
Stan: Francine I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance.
Francine: You mean you haven't got the job yet!
Stan: Francine I'm going to be rich in adventure
Francine: Rich in adventure!
[Pretends to be on the phone]
Francine: Hello MasterCard do you take payment in the form of adventure, hello colleges I'd like to pay my son's tuition, I don't have any money but my husband is rich in adventure!
Stan: Well what'd they say.

Francine: [to Stan] Shut up, you pre-eating douche bag!

Francine: We can't ride on the bus. We're wwhhiittee.

Stan: [to Hayley about her swimsuit] You are not wearing that to Buckle and Sharri's pool party. You look like you should be holding up round cards at a dogfight in Fresno.

Stan: [CIA awards] But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my gym teacher Mr Raglan, who taught me everything I know about seduction!

Stan: What about all the sexy coupons at the end? You two did the Tennessee Logjammer! Where are the other two guys? And did you at least put my ladder back?

Hayley: If the whoIe CIA is at this carnivaI, who's out there undermining democracy?
Stanley: The FBI pulls a double shift.

Hayley: I haven't had this many female friends since that bunch of popular girls in high school tried to trick me into killing myself.

Roger the Alien: I'm going to make you cry and dip my cookie in your tears.

Steve: Let's make a baby. Yeah, sexy talk.

Hayley: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap?
Steve: And we widen to reveal...
Stan: Look at all this cool stuff!

Stanley: [his wife's roots are showing] Francine, looking at your hair, I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit.

Bob: [about Santa Claus] I'm going to shoot that fat turd in the belly.
Santa: I heard that, Bob Todd.
Bob: I hope you did, you butt licker!

Roger the Alien: It's not Silly Juice it's Necessary Juice!

Avery: You're a complicated man, Smith. I would love to do mushrooms with you.

Stan: [Stan is bound by ropes] If this rope was any scratchier it would be overseen by the state lottery commission.

Klaus: There's an old German saying: "Don't blame the fish!" There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Steve: [after Steve learns that his friends went to Wild West Land without him] Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends. How could you come here without me?
Snot: Because you hate Jenny and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
Steve: Stop saying that!

Becky: Hi, I'm Becky, cruise activities director.
Steve: I'm Steve. I have five friends on MySpace and I'm waiting on approval from a sixth.
Becky: You're cute.
Steve: Oh, in a harmless little brother kind of way, right?
Becky: [laughs] No. In an I've taken a lot of boys' virginity kind of way.

Snot: Erm, I'm not trying to compare Dads. I'm just saying that yours is in his underwear swatting at invisible owls

Francine: [to Stan and Roger] Enough! Can't we have one meal without you two getting into an angry singing contest? Why is everything a competition?
Hayley: Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with.
[everyone looks at her]
Hayley: Clearly, they have repressed sexual feelings for each other that they're channeling into hostility.
Steve: How's that Psych 101 class going?
Hayley: It's only day three, but I understand how the whole world works now.

Steve: I have an oral report on fossils tomorrow. I already know how to talk. So the remaining 10% of the work will be on fossils.

Roger: The arm is disbombed... Damn it.

Steve: Shut up, Mom! Get me chips!

Roger: Talented, talented greaseball. From Ohio.

Steve: [after learning that Bobo the Gorilla wants him to stay with him overnight] I don't wanna die from Gorilla sex!

Klaus: Francine! I can see your Schmootzplatschen!

Roger: [to Steve] I asked if you wanted drugs, I said it in a weird voice so your Dad wouldn't hear but now he has, you blew it

Stan: You had to remember
Mercyville: Come on, you're not gonna kill me just cause I know your secret
[Stan enters the Smith's new house with his shirt covered in blood]
Stan: So this place isn't working out

Guy: Hey J.C., we're out of sushi.
Jesus: Check again.
Guy: Thank you!

Roger the Alien: [the entire family will die, Roger is redecorating] I'm thinking of sea foam! What do you think?
[they stare blankly, insulted]
Roger the Alien: 'Cause, you know, I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all of the sad.

Stanley: My butt is on the line!
Roger the Alien: Well, that must be one massive line, 'cause your butt is huge!

Stan: Stop. Where's Roger?
Roger the Alien: I left in the middle of the song. It turned into all gibberish, and I won't be a part of it.

Klaus: Hurry up, Roger. "Grey's Anatomy" starts in just three minutes.
Roger the Alien: Don't you think I know that? I'm trying to create a drink that matches the show in both taste and sinfulness. I call it "The Sandra Oh."
Klaus: Mmm, I'd like to breath her bathwater.

Roger: Make sure to check out our Stan Smith pan flute rainforest music. Each song sounds the same, yet somehow manages to be worse than the last.

Stanley: Hey, boss! Look! The eraser is stuck up Bin Laden's pooper!

Steve: Are guys really think, I'm a werewolf.
[as Snot ties his hands behind his back with rope]
Snot: Well we can't take any chances, there's a full moon tonight.
[Barry and Toshi then hold up a gag and kimono]
Steve: Wait a minute, I understand the rope. But what's the deal with the gag and kimono?
Barry: I don't know, but I walk into my parents, once and they were using all three.
Steve: But there's no way I'm...
[Barry shoves gag into Steve's mouth]
Barry: YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU BITCH!
[Boys stare at Barry shocked]
Barry: That's what my mom says to my dad.

Lorraine: You forget about Lorraine already? I'm wearing my Pocahontas boots.
[clutches her ankle]
Lorraine: Oh, damn. Oh, damn, my ankle. Damn it! These Indian boots are sexy as hell, but they do not support my frame.

Joanna: Oh, a wedding. Lots of guys are afraid of commitment.
Stan: I'm not. I'll commit to anything. I'm on a six-year cell phone plan.
Joanna: I've a 14-year gym membership.
Stan: I have a lifetime subscription to Ebony. Checked the wrong box. Not giving it up.

Steve: Now to just type 'fossils' into the search engine. And now to separate the fossils sites from the porn sites. Tyrannosaurus, fossil. Babe-a-saurus, porn. A synposium on the Pangea theory of the Permian extinction... WOW, that is some nasty porn!

Stanley: Francine, you be very careful out there today, we're at terror alert orange! Which means something might go down somewhere in some way at some point in time.
[shouts]
Stanley: So look sharp!

Roger: Get your whore jacket off me.

Roger the Alien: I don't know. Obama may be black, but I bet he keeps his butt clenched like he's white. That's from my stand-up routine. Check it out. You ever notice when a black man poops in the pool, he's like, "Yo, check it," but then when a white guy poops in a pool, he's all, "Oh, my. I'm defecating in the swimming receptacle."

Timmy: [about Roger] There he is, Mommy! The monster!
Timmy's: Timmy, it's not nice to point.
Timmy: But he doesn't have a nose.
Timmy's: He can't help it if he's deformed.
Roger: Deformed? I'm just as God made me, madam!

Steve: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illumi-nutty?
Stan: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Francine: Something weird is going on, Stan. Hayley's become a totally different person. It's almost as if something's been done to her brain. Like her brain's been put through some sort of cleaning process. Like it's been scrubbed or rubbed vigorously with soap and water. Brain scoured? Mind polished?

Steve: [while studying] Chlorine, bromine... crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words "teen" and "ass" in it.

Stan: [yelling at Steve] Stop flipping channels yesterday!

Stanley: Time for cake.
Klaus: I get the piece with the rose on it. I called it. You heard.
Steve: Mom, cut me an end piece!
Hayley: How can you even think about eating that cake? Do you realize how many innocent cows were raped... or as you say "milked," to make that cake?
Stanley: Shut up, Hayley.

Stan: Francine and I are going to have the maritals. I just hope I don't pre-marital in the car on the way home.

Stanley: Francine, your roots are showing!
Francine: I know. My hairdresser lost his touch when he decided he was straight. Apparently, it is a choice.

Jim: [to Stan about Francine] Hey, is- is this your daughter?
Stan: Wife.
Jim: [impressed] Damn!

Steve: I think I'll hit the sack. And then I'll go to bed.

Betty: [to Stan about Roger] Who's that?
Stan: Oh, don't worry about him. That's just a nobody who lives in the basement.
Roger the Alien: A nobody?
[farts]
Roger the Alien: Who farted? Nobody!
[runs away crying]

Francine: L-O-V-E "Love". Because you love me so much you wanted to be alone with me all weekend. Your turn...... "Blurazzy"? That's not a word.
Stan: Then I pass.
Francine: But you have two blanks. You can spell "liar", "go", "take", "smokes", "to", "skank", "across", "the", "kale".
Stan: I pass! Well time to get more firewood.
Francine: You've gone for firewood every 10 minutes. Are you okay?

Stan: I am a rock. I am an island. I am incontinent. Get it? Sounds like "continent."

[last lines]
Stan: Hey, you still play golf, right?
Brett: Stan, I'm a Satanist, not a poor person.

Roger the Alien: [to Klaus] Remember we were watching CSI, I said I want to do that, you said you totally should, ring a bell?
Klaus: No. Are you sure you weren't high on angel dust and talking to the ceiling fan?

Stan: Santa Maria!

Klaus: You don't know the Story of the Fraulein and the Little Person?

Tim: Has anybody seen that buffalo? If I'm gonna get his highlights in by tomorrow, I've got to get him in the chair now.

Steve: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty bad-ass.
Francine: Steve, language!
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.

Roger the Alien: Inserting laxative into hot dog "A." Inserting hot dog "B" into my "A."

Roger the Alien: I need a drink. Where's the booze?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger the Alien: [pause] Seriously, where's the booze?

Football: Stan, I thought the CIA was done with me! I still have the headaches and the nightmares! What happened in Munich? Who did I kill?
Stan: No, I'm not here about that. It's my kid's birthday!

Roger: I'll be Ernest Shlumpel, Etan's long-lost great uncle. When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad...
Steve: You're playing a waiter.
Roger: But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine Mykonos accent.
Steve: You're not doing an accent.
Roger: [gets up close to Steve menacingly] Oh, yeah? You son of a bitch. You know I'm not a fighter.

Steve: [while possessed by Nemo] Mene mene tekel. Satana satana.
Hayley: Mom, Steve's acting weird again.
Francine: Steve, stop babbling at your sister in Aramaic. It's a dead language.

Roger the Alien: I wish Francine would buy me something other than Coppola wine. Tastes like beard hair and Sofia sweat.

Steve: [Sees Snot has made it to the funeral] Just drive.
Trucker: A railroad gypsy took my vas deferens but you, boy, are just bumming me out.

Newspaper Headline: Democratic Party Missing: Feared Dead

Stan: Francine, you know I only laugh at "Two and a Half Men." Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores, then has breakfast with a fat child. It's funny just talking about it.

Hayley: Can't we just go home?
Stan: If you can go back in time, have you smoked that much weed Hayley? If you see me back there, tell me don't jump in the pool! Don't jump in the pool!

Stan: [to Bullock about Hayley] Sir, I have to tell her it's not just a stupid dream. She needs to know about "Project Daycare."
Avery: That you let her be brainwashed and trained as a sleeper agent for the CIA? Oh, yes, that's sure to put a puff in her petticoat.
Stan: I never meant to hurt her. I thought it'd be fun to have a father-daughter spy team.
Avery: Yes, that does sound like fun, but as we learned from "Alias", the idea gets tired very quickly.

Klaus: Welcome to the water jungle baby!

Kevin: I used to work in real estate.
Stanley: What are you, gay?
Kevin: I was when I worked in real estate. Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that.
Stanley: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Dressed already? Where you going?
Stan: I was... uh, gonna... gonna get some coffee.
Roger the Alien: Ooh, sounds like heaven. I'm also a little "nibbly nib." You wanna grab some brunch?
Stan: Uh, w-we should... we should probably just head on home. Can I... uh, have my shirt back?
Roger the Alien: Oh, boo. It's so comfy. Tell you what. Why don't I give it back to you after I wash it?

Klaus: He was my only Uncle, Steve! The odds of my grandparents crapping out another Uncle at this point are pretty low...

Francine: Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
Stan: Oh, oh, Linda's making a run for the gate!
[Electrified noise, Linda screams]
Stan: Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.

Roger the Alien: [as Chinese restaurant manager] Where you been? You so late. You take "bicyc-quow", make delivery.
Steve: What are you talking about?
Roger the Alien: Bicyc-quow!
Steve: What happened to the gym?
Roger the Alien: Oh, Chinese restaurant much more profitable.
Steve: But I paid for a month membership. I want my money back.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so sorry. You don't read fine print on contract. "In event gym turn to Chinese restaurant, you bicyc-quow delivery boy."
Steve: I'm not delivering your Chinese food on a bicycle.
Roger the Alien: A what?
Steve: A bicycle...... . a bicyc-quow.
Roger the Alien: You ride bicyc-quow!

Francine: This will have to do until I can fashion a shiv out of a chicken bone.

Francine: I have a new dream now. You wanna know what it is? You really wanna know?
Stanley: Eh.
Francine: My dream... is to destroy George Clooney. That arrogant, overrated, memo-writing bastard! He's not even an actor! He just does the same cheesy move every time. Looks down, then looks back up squinting underneath his eyebrows. And everybody's buying it! God, if I just had the chance. I know exactly how I'd bring him down. You see, Clooney's never fallen in love. It's always a fling here, a fling there. Well, I'd make him fall in love with *me*. And then I'd break his heart and watch him cry until his eyeballs bleed!
Stanley: Francine, I'm sorry, but that's the craziest most unsettling thing I've ever heard in my entire life. And we're totally gonna make it happen!

Roger the Alien: [Sees a Planet of the Apes ornament] This bust of Ben Stiller is hideous. But it's mine!

Roger: [while in disguise] Name's Fantasia Lopez. I'm on my way to Welfare to get some free stuff.
[to a bunch of dolls]
Roger: Don't you worry, babies. Mama's gonna get some food stamps so you can get the Milk Duds you need.

Roger: [Seeing Stan hanging by the neck in his office] Stan, are your trying to kill yourself, or thrill yourself?

Roger the Alien: You're putting me on your family plan?
Steve: Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith. We couldn't start a new family plan without you.
Stan: Steve's right. Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut and let me finish my own moment. You defiled my moment, son. Right in front of my wife.

Francine: Say hi to Betty for me!
Tuttle: Oh, I would, but she died six months ago. The big C.
Francine: Cancer?
Tuttle: No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign. Fell right on top of her.

Francine: Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
Roger the Alien: Everyone else gets to.
Francine: Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
Roger the Alien: Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.

Roger the Alien: [when he's dressed up as Hayley] Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.

Roger: My piece!

Francine: Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
Stan: Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food. Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna use their sandpapery toilet scrolls on my proud American button.

Stan: Francine, maybe we'll all just give up making you happy for Lent. Would that make you happy?

Nebraska: Ooh! I love babies! Jesus was a Baby!
Stan: Yes, he was also a murder victim.

Francine: You don't want to be here after closing. That's when they come to life.

Roger the Alien: In the words of sit-coms in the early '90s and the Midwest through out the '90s, "don't go there."

Roger: I will not be a loser, I will stay on this phone as long as it takes. Steve, go get the diaper I sleep in after Indian food.

Steve: Hayley, here's what I know: I'm off to deliver food to the elderly to earn my gerontology badge. I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears, itches my head and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair. Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.

Stan: [about Scott] He doesn't look so tough.
Michelle: Actually, up here, you get smaller and cuter every time you win a case.
Stan: Oh, my God! I'm screwed! Look at him! He's cuter than a puppy and a kitten trying to climb into the same slipper!

Steve: Why are you always so mean to me?
Avery: I ENVY YOUR YOUTH!

Stan: You look like that little slut from Tangled.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I know the restaurant business. I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years. Everyone called it "Party Hardee's" 'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there. I was "sick" the day of the raid. Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning. But I... I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again.

Francine: I call malarky, Stan.

God: [playing with toy dinosaurs] These things rule. Why did I ever send them to Mars?

Roger the Alien: Spoiler alert! The sweet potatoes suck. How can sweet potatoes not be sweet? Hmm? Frannie, how'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?

Stan: Francine was dangerously close to saying the four words I never ever want to hear from her again: "I told you so."

Roger the Alien: Here's a condom. Don't use it. Do what I do. Pretend to put it on, then hide it in your poop cannon.

Stanley: [to Steve] So, what do you need to know?
Steve: Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
Stanley: Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.
Steve: Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know...
Stanley: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve: Well, I guess not, but...
Stanley: See, if l tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It'll just be a fact: an ugly, moist fact squatting on your brain like an octopus, and you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
Steve: No.
Stanley: And that's where babies come from.

Hayley: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad.
Stanley: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.

Steve: I don't feel that hung over. Guess I can handle my alcohol better than you guys.
Hayley: Oh, yeah? Pubic hair and mayonnaise ice cream.
[Steve vomits]

Roger: [as he sees Michelle out the window] There's a flying hooker watching you hug. Go away, hooker!

Steve: I can't believe what this school is coming to under Lisa's leadership. Last week, I was at a mandatory pep rally, and they threatened to kick my ass because I wouldn't give them an "O." I mean, I just gave them a "G." What, am I made of letters?

Roger: Isn't that James Patterson?
Francine: He's here to receive a special award. More of his books have been left on beaches than used condoms.

Roger: [after getting a faceful of cocaine] I AM INCREDIBLY FOCUSED RIGHT NOW!

Steve: Wait a second, that's it! I can sign up for the footballs team! Dad loves sports! I bet he'd love to watch me play!
Roger: Steve, look at those kids. They're athletes. When was the last time you ran anywhere? I mean with your own legs, not by pressing 'X'?

Stan: I was passed over for the Chavez assassination... again!

Janet: [to Debbie] We're gonna destroy you, you fat cow!
Tim: Where is this fat cow? I have some fresh new styles that can get any bovine ready for summer.

Stan: Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.

Stan: Hear that Francine, Doc's giving me a prescription for raw-dogging.
Roger: Yeah!

Roger the Alien: Poor Ned Beatty. He can he can play Rudy's dad all he wants, but when we look at him, all we see is him getting rammed in the woods.

Wendie: Welcome to 'Best Buddiez!" where you can whore your knowledge of your buddy for thousands of dollars.

Barry: I confess. I went into Hayley's room. I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth. It tastes like mint, and sometimes I find food.

Stan: I'm going to go check out the situation, and you guys can check out my ass as I walk away. I think you'll be pleased.

Avery: I had some Gay experiences at Boarding School. Nothing fancy, just some night poundings.

Steve: [to the Mailboxes clerk] W... wait. Tell us what the key is for.
Mailboxes: I work at a store called Mailboxes, not at a store called "I Help People Who Hurt Me." That store is down the block. It is amazing. I wanted to work there, but they told me I was too ugly.

Stan: Steve, I can't believe you're here! The Schwartztein's house is going off! It's like a damn Ludacris video: pimp cups, shorties. It's all crunked out.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted!
Stan: Is it Arctic White?
Roger the Alien: Yeah. It's weird how white it is. Weirder than one of those white dog poos.
Stan: Oh, yeah, those are weird. Have you ever seen a dog lay one of those?
Roger the Alien: No. Just seen them on the grass.
Stan: Me too.

Stan: [to Francine] Where's Steve? I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing.
Francine: Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was. He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
Stan: Fucking nerd.

Stan: An above ground sprinkler on the front lawn! No sir! What's next, prostitutes rising out of the ground and spitting all over our lawns? Well not in my neighborhood!

Steve: Dad, can we go to Graceland?
Stan: Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.

Klaus: There was a very famous Jewish girl who kept a diary. It ended badly. But enough about Fran Drescher.
[laughs]
Klaus: You thought I was making a Holocaust joke! Shame on you!

Hayley: [after Stan is checked out of rehab] Mom, while we're here I really think I should check myself in for my pot problem.
Francine: Just stop it, Hayley.

Stan: If I had died in that crash today, who would remember me?
Francine: I would.
Stan: That's right. Nobody.

Stanley: They're like vampires... or the gays!

Betty: Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon.
Francine: [imitates Betty's voice] Mr. Yabo is taking me to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon. Seriously, that's how you sound.

Roger: [after he gets into a fight with Stan] Don't be starting what you can't finish, bitch.

Steve: I'm Steve. I'm the kind of guy who drives cross-country to take his friend to his old man's funeral, then gives it all up when he finds his manic, pixie dream girl along the way.
Dream: Wait a minute. You blew off your grieving friend to hang out in a hot tub with a complete stranger?
Steve: No. No, you don't understand. I helped him get in touch with his sadness. I'm the only reason he even went to the funeral.
Dream: Oh, I just figured you out. You're an emotional tourist.
Steve: A what?
Dream: You're the kind of person who feeds off other's experiences to fill the void inside of you. An emotional tourist. And I'm sorry, but that's not the trip I packed for.

Klaus: You don't know the Story of the Hawk and the Schnauser?

Commercial: Do you sometimes feel irritable? Restless? Uneasy? Sad? Normal? Or just-plain not high? Maybe it's time to try CRACK.
[Stan hits the crack-pipe, hallucinates]
Commercial: CRACK may cause shivers, night terrors, gay-for-pay, heart palpitations, homicidal paranoia, or the sensation that you're on fire. Peeing blood and seeing friends faces as talking skeletons are possible side-effects of CRACK. People who use CRACK may also experience five-to-seven years in prison, where brutal raping may occur. If you experience one or more of these side-effects, consult your dealer. You may need more CRACK.

Stan: [to George W Bush] Is it true that you can make Tony Blair do anything you want? Like if you said he had to eat a bug, he'd eat it even if it had lots of legs?

Francine: When you're family, you connect on a whole other level. You guys wouldn't understand.
Steve: We HAVE a family... THIS one!

Stanley: You know what? The hell with Chuck White! And forget the deaconship! Son, you're keeping your alien baby.
Steve: Thanks, Dad.
Doctor: Did you say "alien baby"?
Stanley: No, I said "doctor's corpse found in desert."

Roger the Alien: [when he meets his old family, the Logans] Why did you leave me like that?
Brad. Logan: You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
Roger the Alien: I paid you in laughter!
Jenny: We were afraid of you!
Roger the Alien: Jenny, you better shut up right now or I will cut your face.

Jeff: I want a son to carry on my legacy. My Subaru Legacy.

Francine: Well, I already signed us up to tour the private school.
Stan: Fine, but I'm not gonna try to impress anyone. No jokes, no charm, and I'm gonna wear the PJ bottoms where my pud always falls out.

Stanley: [as Stan is watching "Sesame Street"] Shoot him! Shoot him!
Elmo: Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
Stanley: Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies, but he never swallows anything.

Jeff: Mr. Smith, no one has to die! I promise I won't tell anyone! I swear! I swear on my promise!
Stan: That's not what people say, Jeff.

Roger: [while in his Fantasia Lopez disguise] I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso till I catch me a man.

Stan: Francine, run!
Roger the Alien: Oh, can't a brother get a "Run, Roger"? Damn! Gotta be all self-runnin' and whatnot!

[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Stanley: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell Francine? What is this really about? I mean I hate Susan Serandon but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just... cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that **** with cucumbers on his eyes. Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stanley: Oh God! This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: [stunned] Midlife crisis... wait, future senator?
[irate]
Francine: Oh I will ******* chop his head in two!
Stanley: Francine, don't you see. Sure, Clooney has no cares, no-one that depends on him, but... he HAS no one that DEPENDS on him! But you; you have a family. A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband, who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stanley: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh hysterically]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn and stare at Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.

[Stan has taken General Pequeño shopping for new clothes]
Store: [holding up his uniform] What do you want to do with this Rhythm Nation outfit?

Steve: I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
Roger the Alien: Oh! Oh, take me with you. Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Francine: I knew this was a mistake. Hayley, get up!
Hayley: [slurring] I'm showing Dad I'm responsible.
[vomits]
Hayley: When did I eat vomit?

Stan: These rocks will make a fine raft!

Roger the Alien as Tearjerker: Is there anything more terrifying than a hovering blimp?

Stan: [watching games shows] This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.

Stan: I'm surrounded by people who hate me. It's our wedding all over again.

Roger: [to his date] You know, you're not as ugly as I thought. I just might sex you later.
Roger's: I'm gonna go.
Roger: Ugh. Now you've ruined it by talking.

Reginald: It's heartbreak hotel up in here. Damn it, Elvis. Leave us alone!

Hayley: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear!
Stanley: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!

Mr. Rivera: [to Roger] You don't have any lines. Stop improvising!
Roger the Alien: I need to be heard. I have 20 people coming to see me. I'm crushing hard on one of them. Do you know what that's like, Mr. Rivera-Perez? You're a gay, amateur director. You must've crushed hard on someone along the way. Daniel? Maybe... maybe there was a Daniel in your life?

Dr: You're caught in what I call the Western Pharmacycle. Doctors give people with diseases cures that give them other diseases. It's a great business model, if you're the Devil.

Stan: She's called Thundercat.

Roger: [after dressing up as a woman in revealing clothing in an attempt to win a sexual harrsament settlement] Huh, Probably Shouldn't have farted before I started that walk.

Stan: Hi. We don't have a reservation, but I'm Stan Smith.
Maitre: Pf!

Stan: [as Steve is flipping through channels on the TV] Steve, please, kindly, please find a movie and stop flipping channels before I wring the last breath out of your very, very, very annoying body.

Francine: [while watching everyone ascend] What's going on?
Father: It's the Rapture. Turns out there really IS a God.

Principal: Aww hell, I can't stay mad at you, Ricky. I'm on WAY too many anti-psychotics!

Francine: Mohammad Ali changed religions and became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Hayley: A drug dealer called me a loser. For the fourth time, in 3 months. This one feels like rock bottom.

Francine: Steve, I just did a big Trader Joe's run. Pour yourself some unsweetened cherry juice. Maybe have it with some sunflower paste on a flax crisp. There's also a scallop shu mai that tastes like nothing and a mushroom flatbread pizza that smells like nut sack.

Donald: [Sutherland saying to a lady at a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?
Stan: [Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

Roger the Alien: I'm Krispy Kreme McDonald's. My Krispy Kreme mama got raped by my McDonald's daddy.

Francine: [to Stan, After faking her death] Dry those bitch tears and tongue kiss me you big galoot.

Guest: The average white man thinks about sex every six minutes - but thinks about sex with a black man only once a year!
Steve: I have no idea what he's talking about but I feel terrible.

Francine: Roger, what's going on with Stan? He's been acting very nervous and secretive.
Roger the Alien: You can add distant and hurtful to that list.
Francine: Something happened in Atlantic City, didn't it?
Roger the Alien: No.
Francine: Roger, look at me. What happened in Atlantic City?
Roger the Alien: Why don't you ask your husband?
[breaks his coffee mug and hides under the blankets]
Roger the Alien: I'll thank you to leave now.

Stan: [while Stan and Roger are wrestling] Use your legs! I can't!
Roger: I have really weak legs.
Stan: No, you don't. You have the opposite.
Roger: I know. Today's opposite day.
Stan: No, it's not!
Roger: That means it is.
Stan: I'm not playing!
Roger: That means you are.

Town: [Looking up at a Statue of Stan] He died as he lived! In his house.

Francine: Yeah! I just got the biggest, bloodiest period of all time!

Zoey: We have to stop at Kristen's house, because she accidentally wore underwear.
Kristen: Hey, I'm all for making a guy work for it, but not that hard.

Stan: [about Jim James, the lead singer from My Morning Jacket] He makes Enya sound like a Russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.

Roger: Mardi Gras, bitches! I'm having a party at my bar. I got beads aplenty, so I want to see all your ta-tas! Except you, Hayley. You have the worst boobs. They're like 90% nips. Like two dark castles with tiny little moats.

Steve: Mum you are not smart, I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb for example My Mama's so dumb I don't tell Your Mama's so dumb jokes, I tell My Mama's so dumb

Jeff: I have my animal crackers and poop bucket.

Francine: [to Klaus] Stop talking, fish.

Stan: [Stealing Steve's bike] Well I'm going to mount this and ride it Hard! Like I did your mom last night.

Steve: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day.

Arboreus: If this mall expansion goes through, hundreds of trees will be slaughtered. Now, we have a plan. But to prove you're dedicated to our cause, you must first make out with tree.
Hayley: Wait, you want to make out with me?
Hayley: ME? No, I got a redwood in Canada.
[holds up bonsai tree]
Hayley: But my friend here thinks you're really cute.
[Hayley awkward stares at Arboreus]
Hayley: What's wrong? Is it because he's Asian?

Stan: I can't believe starving to death is how I'm going out. I thought for sure I'd shoot myself in my study.

Principal: Snot, you're Jewish; you'll be in charge of the money. Steve, you'll be in charge of watching Snot because I don't trust Jews. Come on, let's go play some blackjack!
Snot: Now? But we have geometry class.
Principal: I'll write you a note.
[writing]
Principal: "Dear Math Bitch, These kids ain't showing up. Love, your main man. P.S. One plus one equals the two of us. Plus one more would be nice though. Maybe Jill from the cafeteria. Or your sister Lisa - you know, when she's legal."

Meter: [When Stan beats up a meter maid for writing him a ticket] Please stop.
Stan: Sorry. I already started.

Stan: [to Roger] So when did you realize Scarlett was an alien hunter?
Roger the Alien: Took a little longer than I'd prefer to admit. For a while, I just thought we were having super-kinky sex and then she cut off my face.

Stan: We're moving. The house is moving, I see that now.

Francine: Hot Jazz In Your Face closed awhile ago. People stopped, coming.

Roger: [on the phone] Hello?
Klaus: Roger, it's me. Jeff and Stan are at Jeff's father's house in North Carolina.
Roger: Really?
Klaus: Yes. Now, in return for this information, you must give me...
[Roger hangs up]
Klaus: ... nothing. If you had just waited for me to finish, you'd know I want nothing from you!
[cries]

Roger the Alien: That punch. That punch right there. That's the punch where everything went black and I was finally able to achieve orgasm.

Female: But then I think of how handsome he is, and I just want to sit on his Face!

Stan: You mind if I come over and throw the ol' pigskin around with your dad before you tell him you're a turd burglar?

Steve: Becky, thanks for getting us this lifeboat. I mean, lifeboobs. Wait... no, no, I was right.

Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
Francine: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche

Roger: Ah, I love your religion - for the crazy! Virgin birth, water into wine; it's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Stanley: [about Steve] He's only 14. I don't want some unionized pervert teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.

Hayley: I think we all knew it would end this way.
[Giant mutant Klaus rears over the horizon]

Principal: Suicide, bitch! Canyon style!

Roger the Alien: It's dick-off time!

Hayley: I am a proud and evolved woman and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[takes off her robe and poses]
Roger the Alien: Nice.
[waves at Hayley. Hayley gasps and covers herself]
Roger the Alien: Madam, please uncover yourself. Does anyone have any areola pink? I only have one tube.

Roger: Somebody, please! My name is Clive Trotter and I'm an American, and I am in trouble!

Roger the Alien: [while clinging to Francine] Hugs, not drugs. That's what I say. I'm also on drugs.

Roger the Alien: Oh, no, not my Frankenberry! Oh, Francine, be reasonable!
[he crashes through the table, sending breakfast items everywhere]
Roger the Alien: Oh, great. I've got a bear claw in my ass.

Stan: And by the way, father of the year here. This is how I wish I lost my virginity. Not to some coked-up airhead.
Steve: Didn't you lose your virginity to Mom?
Stan: Mm-hmm.

Steve: [after seeing Betsy White] Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Retton!

Steve: Snot, you need to process this. This is a big deal!
Snot: Yeah, it's my big deal! And I am not going to pretend to have some big theatrical reaction to this just to make you happy!
Steve: But you should have some reaction. You have to feel something. He was your dad and now he's gone.
Snot: We're all going to die, Steven! I'm gonna die! You're gonna die! Everyone dies! Do you really think any of this is going to last forever? 'Cause it's not!

Francine: [to Hayley] I went to a few concerts when I was your age. I'd get backstage all the time. Of course back then, you really had to work for it not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways. "Oh, you're caller 96. Bravo!" Fit that whole phone in your mouth, you might have been able to hang with my crew.

Francine: Yeah, I killed my college roommate. I can't believe you didn't know that. I stabbed her.

[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Time for my vitamin!
[Realizes he ran out of them]
Barry: I should run home and get more.
Stan: You don't need those. Your little candy pills won't make you live forever, will they?
[seriously]
Stan: Will they?

Francine: [Francine slaps Roger]
Roger: Roger: You... You struck me with a bass.

Stan: The second greatest nation is donation. Won't you all become citizens?

Roger: [to Steve] You think this fake detective agency with real cases in a pretend office in your father's garage is a joke?

Stan: Hayley, I just want you to know, everything I did, I did because I wanted to make you happy.
Hayley: I am happy, Dad. I'm not just gaining a husband. I'm losing a father.

Stan: So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
Bob: Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
Stan: Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
Francine: So, the block party starts at 3:00pm and goes 'till question mark. It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.
Stan: But not smallpox.
[laughs]
Stan: Kidding. Kind of joking, but not really.

Steve: [to Janet] You think Debbie's fat? I'll show you fat.

Steve: [narrating] We went out in search of a way to say goodbye to an absent father, but we found a lot more than that. We found each other, not to mention ourselves. And like the open road, we are infinite.
Snot: Will you shut up? You've been narrating for four hours.

Roger: We just saying the first thing that pops into our mind? Ticklemonster
Steve: I know Dad, I put up with this every day at the agency
Roger: Your Ghost Dad's not here!
Steve: Oh no, then who's possessing me?
[Steve stands up out of the wheelchair and slaps Roger repeatedly]
Roger: Stop it, stop it Wheels, Wheels, stop it Wheels' father
[Steve stops and Roger gasps]

Stan: [Looking at Avery's RV] She's a beauty sir.
Avery: If you ever want to drive around with your poop, this is the vehicle.

Kazim: You should not be out in the streets unescorted. Do you want to get stoned?
Hayley: Yes! Do I! It's been like forever!
Kazim: You want to be buried up to you neck in sand and have angry men throw rocks at your head?
Hayley: Ummm... no.

Jeff: Even rainbows have shadows...
Steve: I don't know if that's true.

Steve: [entering his bedroom, rubbing his feet] Oh my stars, what a day.
[presses a button on the answering machine]
Answering: You have new messages.
Steve: [puzzled] When did I get an answering machine?

Steve: [In a flashback scene where Steve and his friends are young kids]
[to Snot]
Steve: Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another ten years. You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty. Girls, this guy's worried about!
Snot: You're right, Steve. You're always right.
Barry: Interesting how we've developed such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
Steve: Shut up, Barry.
Barry: I'm at the bottom.

Steve: [drunk] What up, you ass face bitches? You stupid-ass honky fuckin' faggots?

Jeff: Cool, a new imaginary friend! I've got so much to tell you! Did you know Keyser Soze was Kevin Spacey?
Roger the Alien: I did. I've known that for about 15 years now.

Avery: Back to the cyber-terrorist. Once again he sent a note in the same mysterious language. All of our living code breakers are absolutely stumped. Therefore, because we have no leads, this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque.

Roger the Alien: [to Francine] You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place, it's filthy!
[makes a stain on Francine's apron]
Roger the Alien: Yeah, that's a big dirty "S" for "schmutz."

Jeff: [in the game, they have obtained an amulet to bring Steve's character back to life] What do we do with the amulet?
Hayley: It's a suppository.

Stan: I cannot hear those words again and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her from saying them. As God as my witness!
[lightning strikes]
Klaus: Weird. Not a cloud in the sky.
Stan: Yeah, I know. Must be heat lightning.

Steve: [to Roger] You know what? You're nothing but a drug addict. Birds died because of you!
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God. Who cares?
Steve: Our partnership is over! I never want to see you again!
[walks off]
Roger the Alien: Then don't look in the night sky because I'm a star, and that's not the cocaine talking.
[to the women]
Roger the Alien: So, girls, tell me more about your childhood. Now that's the cocaine talking.

Stan: And Hayley your face will remain metal free, like a good radio station.

Roger the Alien: [while in the bathtub with Hayley] Baths are so great 'cause the toilet's right there, you know? No stress.

Francine: Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on "Scrubs" don't have time to be funny.

Stan: Tanqueray, let me break it down for you. Exposing your body for money is wrong. The only people who should see you naked are your mother your doctor and your best friend in third grade. Just that one time. Under the waterfall. Jeremy Davis.

Steve: [to Roger about Henry hurting him] Oh, my God, your eye! Did he hit you?
Roger the Alien: It was my fault. I disobeyed Captain's orders and jeopardized the mission.
Steve: Stop making excuses for him! You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie and you remember what happened to her.
Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen to me.

Stan: [to Hayley] You can't go out dressed like that.
Hayley: Don't worry. I'll be taking it off at art class where I'll be posing nude.
Stan: You'll do nothing of the sort.
Hayley: I'm late. Can we just cut to the key yelling points?
Stan: Fine. I forbid it. Not while you're under my roof. I didn't raise a hussy.
Hayley: It's my right as a woman. Nudity empowers me. There's nothing sinful about the female form. We done?
Stan: Yeah, we're done.

Stan: My favorite color is blue. My lucky number is three. My favorite movie is The Burbs, and I'm terrified of fountains. They're unnatural. To force a rainbow angers God.

Stan: [Waking up in the hospital] Is it the future? Did we make it to Mars? Are Legos affordable again?

Klaus: Am I early for Book Club?
Roger the Alien: No! You're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!
Klaus: I didn't read it anyway...

Father: Look, according to the church there are no pets in heaven. Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children and apes who use sign language. Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs, your smart types and self-aware robots.

Roger the Alien: Don't cry... in front of the fish.

[Francine is preparing a tray of lemonade for Stan's meeting of the National Gun Association in the living room]
Hayley: I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters!
Francine: Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy?
Hayley: I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Francine: [stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.

Snot: Steve I now have no choice but to get your mom to handle my nardledangers. Get ready pal. Your mom's gonna touch more sack than a medieval grain merchant on inventory day.

Francine: I did it again. I said something helpful and went past it.

Snot: [to Steve after Debbie dumps him] You know what? You're better off without her. She's not fit enough to recalibrate your tricorder.
Barry: Or fit enough to wear people clothes.
Steve: That's the same lame joke from the Web page.
Barry: I mean I'm Barry.

Steve: You don't know how to blow a bubble?
Stan: And you don't know how to make love to a woman, not everyone knows how to do everything okay Steve!

Hayley: [Stan handing Hayley new sandals] Thanks, I needed new Burks.
Stan: I know, I can smell.

Steve: Well Snot, that's the super-ball conundrum. We want them to bounce higher and higher, and then we lose them.

Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch.
[gives Steve the doormat]
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
[Barry's watch beeps]
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!

Stan: Francine, if your cooking gets any better, I'm gonna have to get a stomach staple, then bust it out Roker-style. Poor Roker. He will always be fat.

Stan: You know who else was a cockroach? Theo Huxtable's best friend.

Roger the Alien: Glass of scotch in my hand, fan on my crotch. Scotch-crotch-bygotch.

Francine: Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer, but it has just become the answer. I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
Steve: Good! That ass needs a pounding!
Francine: Yeah. That's what your father said last night.

Bullock: Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority. Then we can track down the bastards that have been harboring it and punish them brutally. I mean, really brutally. Weird stuff. Butt stuff.

Roger: I was just taking a midnight stroll when I saw what looked like a magical owl fly by and... oh! Look at that! It's right here, and it's carrying a letter!
[Steve opens the letter and gasps]
Roger: What does it say?
Steve: It says I've been admitted to Hogwarts School of Wizardry! The gypsy was right! I am special!
Roger: [snickering] And here I was thinking you were just a gullible idiot.

Francine: [to Stan] You made me think I was a murderer? Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through? I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain that to Jesus?
Stan: I'm... I'm sorry.
Francine: You're sorry? Do you know what super diarrhea is, Stan? Do you know how much you've screwed up my life?
Stan: Francine, I know I've done some terrible things, but I'll fix it. I'll fix everything, I swear.
Francine: What about Sanjit? I don't want an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Roger the Alien: It's not silly juice, it's necessary juice!

Hayley: Roger, you had no right coming to that class and sketching me.
Roger the Alien: The subject telling the artist what he can and can't do? That's like a soup can telling Warhol where to buy speed.

Maxine: This style of comedy was pretty revolutionary for the time. Because no one was bothering to do it anymore.

[at the "Aids Hotcakes" kiosk]
Jimmy: How come no one is buying your hotcakes, Mr. Aids?
Mr. Aids: Because I'm Irish, Jimmy. Because I'm Irish.

McCreary: You're familiar with the first line of Genesis?
Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: I should say I am, sir. I should say I am.
McCreary: Does this sound right? "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the transvestite who pooped mozzarella dinosaurs."

Roger the alien: She's as graceful as a frozen turd.

Hayley: Stomp the premsses! I got a hot scoomp!

Hayley: I'm going to devote my time to the Heifer Project.
Stan: No daughter of mine is going into fatty porn!

Steve: [to Barry, Snot and Toshi] Do you have any idea what you've done? Because of you, I destroyed three innocent girls, lost Debbie and jammed laxatives arm-deep into a buffalo!

Patrick: And now we are Proud to Present the only one of Mr Winkle's plays that I did not immediately eat out of sheer jealousy. Blood Crieth Unto Heaven!

Stan: Now, make me that breakfast you owe me.
Klaus: Right away. But first, let me ask you something. How many eggs should I eat to get enough energy to plow your wife?
Stan: Uh, three should do it... What?
[Klaus knocks Stan unconscious with a frying pan]

Stan: [In his new accent] In the future America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada
Stan: A great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people

Francine: [to Stan] You followed Steve all day?
Stan: Yeah. I do stuff like that. Followed you last week. I don't know what you thought was in your butthole in the Target parking lot, but you were... you were really trying to find it.

Stan: [while telling a joke] What are the three rings of marriage? The first one's the engagement ring, the second one's the wedding ring and the third one? The "suffer"-ring.
[everyone laughs]
Roger the Alien: Stan, that's not a good joke 'cause it's not racist.

[Roger must play a burn victim in front of Steve's crush]
Roger the Alien: I even watched the latest Meg Ryan movie where she played that burn victim.
Steve: She never played a burn victim.
[Steve walks off]
Roger the Alien: Oh, Meg, honey...

Francine: How's your French toast, honey?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this "American toast" is fantastic!

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Stan: [while stealing food at a camp for deaf kids] Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food. Marlee Matlin sucks! Ah, you know, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on "The West Wing."

Roger the Alien: White mission control be all, "Uh, we are clear to initiate landing sequence for space shuttle Atlantis," but black mission control be all, "Get out of the way. Here comes the shuttle!"

Roger: While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy jay.

Roger: Small bills are in the safe. The rest are in my ass.

Stan: I hope this is the year I get to ride Tequila Joe!
Jeff: But Mr. S, no one has ever ridden Tequila Joe. He's untamable!
Stan: Jeff, why is it that you only ever open your mouth to shit on my dreams? Go inside. You're not coming to the dude ranch.
Jeff: Babe?
Hayley: Maybe next time no talking 'till we get there.

Klaus: [When Klaus and Hayley are stoned listening to music] They say if you play it backwards, you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Whoa. Wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

Steve: [Giving advice to a fan] It's real easy. Just write something and it'll get published. Any idiot can do it.

Stan: [to Hayley] You whore! Music slut! Shaking those ears all over town, letting anyone in!

Jeff: Whoa! Hundred dollar bills. Hello, President Shakespeare.

Jeff: Geez, Mr. S. Nailing your daughter makes me super hungry.

Francine: Meredith, are you okay?
Meredith: Some lunatic kidnapped me and dumped me here.
Francine: Yeah, that's my friend. She's stolen your life. She's running your gala. Oh, and she may be having relations with your husband.
Meredith: No! My gala!

Francine: [about Stan and Roger] I don't get it. They're friends again?
Hayley: Told ya. They just needed to fuck.

Stanley: Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?
Francine: Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon.
Stanley: I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!

Stan: [after finding the photo of Roger in the paper] How did this happen?
Roger: I have no idea. I leave the house in disguise, but six Rob Roys later, things happen that I can't be responsible for. Like buying this puzzle. Why the hell did I buy this puzzle?
[begins tearing the nearly complete puzzle apart]
Roger: I hate puppies! Get out of that tea cup! That cup is for tea!

Stan: You're over, Paddington. So take your little rain slicker and your little boots, and go die in an alley!

Francine: Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis. My husband is just a teeny bit concerned that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
Stanley: That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal so you could shove his face right back in there!

Stan: There's so much crime in the desert!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan as he's dancing] Look at me like you're a virgin!

Stan: [about Roger's girlfriend] Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
Francine: Well, now that you've put the image in my head, yes, but not the Verne Troyer kind. That's too midgety.

Stan: You were all rubbernecking. See? I told you! All men do it. But that doesn't make us bad guys. It's like I said in my note, Francine. I may look at other women, but it doesn't mean I love you any less. My eyes may wander, but my heart always comes home.

Steve: [All the boys are looking at drunk girls in bikinis] Oh yea, I'm going to hit that!
Snot: I'm going to tear that up!
Barry: I'm going to kill her with a bottle.

Francine: [after turning Steve into a toddler] Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome young man.
Steve: Just so you know. I'm speaking calmly right now, but there's a tantrum brewing in me the likes of which this mall has never seen!

Francine: Stan, all you ever feel is anger. Why is that the only emotion you can express?
Stan: Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything! Now, pass me the fucking sweet potatoes!

Stan: [as he's getting beat up] Steve, help! Wrote a few checks with my mouth, bud. Need you to help me cash them.

Roger: [to Stan] You're a liability! You know what your problem is? Pappa Wheelie doesn't have a backstory. All right, all you have is a prop. How did you end up on that unicycle? Are you a hipster? Are you a Frenchman? Were you raised by a Russian circus bear? You don't know! You just woke up one morning and saw a unicycle, you stupid hack. I don't know about you, but this case has put me in the mood for some cocaine.
Stan: I-I get that joke. 'Cause cocaine comes in keys, right?
Steve: The Legman doesn't joke about cocaine.
Roger: Cocaine is not a joking matter.

Roger the Alien: [Roger is imitating Gollum] Masters wants to destroy it
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] You mean the medal?
Roger the Alien: [in his Gollum voice] We have to destroy masters
Roger the Alien: [in his normal voice] Say it, don't spray it and secondly I agree with you

Hayley: Does Jeff seem a little weird to you guys since he got back, like a little different?
Stan: Hell yeah he's better!
Francine: Way better, if I were you Hayley I'd lock that down!
Hayley: Mom we're already married
Francine: I mean lock it down for real, rings catch girls
[rubs Hayley's belly]
Francine: babies trap boys
[Hayley looks disturbed]

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh my God, I took a hit out on myself. And I probably charged it to me. Still, miles.

Stan: [after learning to stuff food into his cheeks from an anorexic woman] Thank you Veronica you fat whore!

Roger: Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Mrs. Hannigan: Well, are you?

Angel: I have this jar of Salsa I stole from the Office Potluck I'm still working on. I don't live well.

Hiko: [to Toshi] I've got half the Yakuza looking for your sister. In the meantime, take the bloodhounds and search the city.
Toshi: [English translation] Shouldn't we call the police?
Hiko: What? Why do you only speak Japanese? I don't even speak Japanese.

Steve: Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?
Stan: [wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Roger: A public pool. Society's unflushed toilet.

Steve: Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that! You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?

Sergei: Perhaps it was the haste of a man who wanted to take his revenge like his Vodka, in one dreadful swallow.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for like two weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Hayley: What is Dad's problem with music?
Francine: Well, music makes you feel things and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass and a literal one.

Stan: We're going to their tepee in crap-hole Arizona.

Newspaper Headline: Israel pulls out of Gaza; Gaza not pregnant.

Steve: I lost Roger, Hayley. I was wrapped up in my science project and I yelled at him, and I drove him into the arms of a kid who beats him!
Hayley: Oh. I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
Steve: I don't know what to do. Why does he stay, Hayley? Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff: [as he peaks out of the pantry] Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
[throws something at the pantry; Jeff goes back inside]

Handyman: [Turning his eyes upwards] Forgive them, they know not what they do.
Francine: Oh we know what we're gonna do. We're going to crucify you, on Angie's List.

Jeff: [Stan, Jeff and Henry are sitting around the kitchen table, having dinner] So Dad, Stan's a friend of mine from Langley Falls. I've got a pretty good life up there: I'm in charge of tire inflation at the bike shop.
Henry: [sarcastically] Uh! Tire inflation? Oh, that is so great! Course, I'm not surprised: that's just the latest in a long list of achievements. I'm so proud of my son. In fact, this is the wall where I keep all his awards.
[shows Stan an empty wall; then, still sarcastically, standing up]
Henry: What? There's nothing there! Oh my God! They've been stolen! I better call the sheriff!
[pretending to dial a number]
Henry: We're gonna get to the bottom of this! It's ringing... Hello, Sheriff Perkins? Henry Fischer. Yes, yes, father of the illustrious Jeff Fischer. Someone has stolen all his awards. All of them! Must have been several strong men with a huge truck. What? What do you mean, Jeff's never won an award in his entire life? But if that were true, that would mean my son is a worthless piece of crap who never accomplished anything! Well, sir, I'm not gonna sit here while you say those awful things about my pride and joy!
[hangs up the phone, then kneels down before a smiling Jeff]
Henry: I promise you, son: I will not rest until I get every single ribbon, trophy and letter of commendation back on that wall!
[salutes Jeff and leaves. Then enters again]
Henry: I'm gonna go down to the bar, round up a posse. We'll get Charlie's dogs, close off the perimeter! You just sit there and keep on making me proud.
[pretends to wipe off a tear, then leaves again]
Jeff: [to Stan] Isn't he great?
Stanley: Great? Jeff, your dad is a humongous jerk!
Jeff: No, he's just kidding around. He loves me. That's why he can never know what happened in Florida.
Stanley: Look, Jeff, no one wants to admit their dad is a bad guy, but...
Jeff: Bad guy? Look who's talking! You're the one who tricked me and pretended to be my friend! My dad would never do anything that mean.
[Henry comes back, still sarcastically speaking to Jeff]
Henry: I need something for Charlie's dogs so they can pick up the scent. Do you have your high school diploma? No? They got that too? Oh, those monsters are gonna pay.
[leaves]

Stan: [to Betty Sue] Well, it's been fun. Hey, do me a solid. Keep me out of the suicide note, huh?

Stan: Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
Francine: Can I make any trades?
Stan: No. Just set the lineup.
Francine: Stan, you need a power forward.
Stan: I have Dirk Nowitzki.
Francine: He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
Stan: I don't want Ron Artest. You know what, forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
Francine: Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.

George W. Bush: [Bush goes into the bathroom] Oh! There's already a guy in here! Uh, Oh that's, no that's just a mirror.

Francine: [Talking in her sleep] I don't care if you are Sean Connery, that's my jet-ski.

Raina: As you can see, Mrs. Smith we are positioned directly across the street from Clooney's hotel.
Francine: Are they building a basketball court in his hotel room?
Raina: Clooney has it written into all of his movie contracts.
Francine: What do the Coen brothers see in him?
[Francine punches her fist through a glass window]

Hayley: Oh, Tanqueray, you leaving?
Tanqueray: Yeah. I'm gonna try and get in Playboy. I've got a lot of good short stories. This suitcase is filled with science fiction.

Steve: I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

Newspaper Headline: Missing Twins Found in Gingerbread House

Francine: [upon learning that Roger has hypnotized Hayley into believing she's a six year old] Roger we can't have a grown woman acting like a child this ain't no Disney channel!

Roger: [singing to the tune of Jingle Bells] Jingle bells Santa smells, everything's so lame, Christmas time is such a grime
[caroler shoves him]
Roger: Hey don't push me away! Hey!
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells I'm unwell watching others play, they have fun but I am bummed, cuz Santa skips my place
Roger: [drives his car through the mall] Crashing through the mall, cuz I'm driving while I'm baked, but I don't care at all
Snot: [pops up in the car with him] I was crying the whole way
Roger: Ha, ha, ha, ha
[singing]
Roger: See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line, all we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes
[drives past a Jewish boy being bullied]
Snot: [singing] Jingle bells hear me yell Jewish gifts are dumb, what's in the box oh it's just socks and not a paintball gun
Roger: [singing] Jingle bells this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame, compared to this it's like a briss, just chop my dick away!

Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

Octopus: [Roger pours sauce on its head] Eeeee!

Stan: Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
Roger the Alien: It's a waste of time. Like getting an HIV test. Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!

Johnny: And what kind of an idiot points a loaded gun at a child? I made lemonade and fudge!

Roger the Alien: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it?
[drinks it]
Roger the Alien: Mmmmmm... tastes like I might die.

Stan: [after Francines crashes her car into his car] Francine! You T-boned me, bro!

Stan: Someone's true value is determined through the eyes of others. That's in Genesis. Their first album, I think.

Roger the Alien: Pillow Fight!
[clocks the hooker, knocking her out]
Roger the Alien: Whoops, forgot I put some sodas in there...

Snot: Let's not get bogged down in the details of who was masturbating where.

Snot: [about Etan's Bar Mitzvah] This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame. The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder.

Steve: Gotta go put a popsicle on the ol' starfish.

Roger the Alien: [throughout his chase with Jeff and Hayley] Myah! Myah! Myah!

Spelling: [to Steve] Your word was dog and you spelled the entire Arrested Development song "Mr. Wendal."

Peter: Terry, what is Greg's favorite appetizer?
Terry: Oh, that's easy. It's potato skins.
Greg: No. It's wasabi tuna in a raddicchio sauce.
Terry: Even I think that's gay.

Steve: [to Roger] Do you know what time it is?
Roger the Alien: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises 'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.
Steve: Roger, you have to stop this.
Roger the Alien: I see. I know what's really going on here. You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now and you're no longer king of the nerds.
Steve: That's ridiculous! I mean sure there's been an established hierarchy, but...
[looks at the object that Roger has]
Steve: What wh-what is that?
Roger the Alien: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve: But there's a crack in it.
Roger the Alien: Uh-huh.
Steve: Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been...
Roger the Alien: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Francine: [while on the phone to Stan] Bitch, did you just hang up on...?
[Stan hangs up on her]

Roger the Alien: P.S., everyone. There's a wedding. There's gonna be chafing dishes, a carving station and lots and lots of Jews.
Francine: I'm sorry, are you saying "juice"?
Roger the Alien: No, Jews.

Roger: [after punching Klaus] Punch a fish, make a wish.

Principal: [sees Liqour bottles in the hallway, set up by Steve to frame Roger] Oh, God, did I slip up? Wait a minute. Vodka? Whiskey? These aren't mine. I'm a rum man. But let's see who did slip up... Hmm.
[finds bottle of Rum on the ground]
Principal: Ahh! Yeah!
[sips, slams bottle on floor, shattering it]
Principal: *Rum'*s the only thing that gets *my* engine going!
[imitates vehicle]
Principal: Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum-Rum! Rum! Rum-rum-Rum-Rum-Rum!
[imitates brakes screeching when he reaches Roger's classroom]
Principal: Oh, this is bad. Looks like Harvard's got a habit.
[rifles through drawer finding another rum bottle]
Principal: Jackpot! Hmm. We can't have a drunk teacher around here.
[swigs]
Principal: But a perfectly buzzed principal's good for *everybody*!

Francine: [after spotting a customer leaving Sub Hub and getting into his car] Meat thief! Meat thief!
Hayley: This is my Big chance to make a bust!
[Man reverses away]
Hayley: We gotta tail him!
Francine: To the meat mobile!
[Hayley dives into the driver's seat, Francine jumps and slides along the hood but tears her dress off on the wing mirror, leaving her in her underwear]
Francine: Goddamn Witches, Man...

Roger: [dressed in Ricky Spanish costume] Damn I look good in this. Tilda Swinton good.

Steve: Anyway, I'm going to go hit the sack. Then I'll probably go to bed.

Stan: Sweep low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe

Stan: Hey, Donny, tell my son about the guy who tried to sneak a lipstick camera past the XR-21.
Donny: [reluctantly] I accidentally shot him.
Stan: Yeah you did! It's called "justice," and it was hilarious!

Stanley: I wanted to thank you all for eIecting me deacon. UnfortunateIy, something unexpected has come up, and I have to abdicate my position.
Whiny: But why?
Stanley: It's a bizarre situation. Not "8 SimpIe Rules let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre", but cIose.

Stan: [entering Steve's room full of communist memorabilia] Oh my God!
[picks up a framed picture]
Stan: It's Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon!

Roger: That's why I'm the perfect soldier and the perfect guy to watch movies with. I don't poke holes. I just enjoy the ride.

Francine: You can't speak ill of Oprah. Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah and now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin.

Shannon: Shannon Sharpe, sharpening a machete, gonna catch an alien and eat some spaghetti.

Steve: [to Snot] We have to get rid of that doll!
Snot: No way! I'm done!
Steve: Mount Vernon, dude.
Snot: I hated that trip! I pooed my pants on the bus ride there. That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything.

Jeff: [after his clothes are ripped off while skiing] Aah! Cold Penis!

Roger: Stan, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to go downtown and buy crack? You could have bought from me right here in the house.
Francine: Roger, you're not being helpful.
Roger: Did you really expect me to be?

Stan: There's something you should know about me by now, Roger: I don't learn lessons.

Stan: What are you mad at me for? I stopped Steve from shooting a deaf kid. I'm a hero.
Steve: Hero? Thanks to you, I missed a week at school and got addicted to hallucinogenic berries. That's right. They make me see colors and I'm keeping them.

Principal: [Reviewing CCTV tapes and watching the Janitor morph into a werewolf] Oh, Shit!

Roger the Alien: [Talking to Snot] I knew your dad. We were blood brothers. I gave him hepatitis.

Stanley: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you Iost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stanley: You're not the man I married.
Francine: That makes no sense.
Stanley: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

Stan: [Looking at Hayley] You're patient zero of this yawn outbreak.

Randy: Isn't playing "Popcorn" fun?
Snot: Something doesn't seem right here.
Steve: Yeah. At the very least we should've popped by now.
Randy: I'm the salt. All kernels have to wrestle me to get salted.

Sushi: [Hiding in Air Vent] This is the perfect place to learn my Father's Secret...
Sushi: Whenever the Cucumber Shipment is late, I like to look at this photo of my Son's Mother. She was the love of my life, and an amazing Prostitute.

Jeff: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
Francine: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
Steve: [off-screen] What?

Terry: [yelling at Greg] Don't tell me you voted for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stanley: Smelly and ungrateful! But this American toast is delicious.

Steve: [after Hayley convinces Steve to pose as a girl so she can join the roller derby team] I'll do it. I'll pretend I'm a girl. Also, it might not be a lie because that split just destroyed my balls.

Francine: Stan, what's the matter?
Stan: What's the matter? You're not the homecoming queen. I'm not gonna be the cool guy dancing in the spotlight! I'm just gonna be the dork by the punch bowl slumming with the Duchess of Second Place.
Francine: You know what, Stan? If it's so darn... no. Damn! That's right. I went there. If it's so darn important for you to dance with the homecoming queen, why don't you just go with Betty Sue?

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, Dad. I want that kind of relationship with you.

Steve: [after Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"] Scotty?
Roger the Alien: That's my new nickname for you. Your favorite "Star Trek" character.
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Stan: Look, Francine. Your friendship is dead and buried, buried behind the Olive Garden. The one in Richmond.

Roger: Maybe you should just give up on your dad. Face it he's a douche, and I would know. I used to run Human Resources for Summer's Eve.

Stan: Kids, you want to play "20 Questions" until we die? I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!

Roger: [Throwing beads at Mardi Gras] Tremé! Etouffée! Beignet!
[Points to Greg and Terry]
Roger: You're gay!
Greg,199200: Hooray!

Francine: Okay, calm down. It's not cheating. It's just acting. Acting's not that hard. Renée Zellweger just makes it look hard.

Akiko: [after Francine kidnaps Akiko and traps her in the basement] Let me out of here!
Francine: I'll let you out when Steve's a national champion. Here's a Nintendo to keep you busy.
Akiko: My mother says video games are bad for you.
Francine: Yeah, well, so is smoking an eight ball of crack in 30 minutes, but that's how long it takes.

Klaus: I'll tell you something, though. You've just eaten all the potato salad Francine made for the Deacon's Wake! Ha ha ha!
Roger the Alien: And you didn't stop me? How could you do that?
Klaus: Yeah, still German...

Roger the Alien: I got the Egg Madness, y'all!

Stan: [Speaking to Hayley] Good job honey. Kinda reminds me of early Dylan. Like really early. Like before he learned to play the guitar.

Stan: Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours.

Roger: Why can't they make a good red wig? I look like Garfield had a miscarriage on my head.

Roger: [pretending to be a realtor] You must be the Hannigans. Maurice Barnes, All-Star Realty. You're gonna love this house.
[handing Mrs. Hannigan a leaflet]
Roger: Here you go. I'm also a singer-songwriter, I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffehouse next Thursday; plugging my new self-released CD, real soul-searching, heavy stuff. Buy the house, don't buy the house: you're comped eather way, don't let it influence your decision. My mother killed herself when I was 12, track four. One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue, it's in the liner notes. Come in, come in come in! Now, I love these built-ins, you don't see these anymore.
[inside the house]
Roger: And these are walls! You know, when people say the walls are closing in on them? Well, this is what they're referring to. So, do we have a deal?

Stan: Party time! Enjoy your last look at my ass 'cause I'm gonna party it off.

Hayley: [to Stan] Come on, let Mom have some fun once in a while.
Stan: Why don't you ever take my side?
Hayley: Because your side is always wrong.
Stan: Your side is always wrong.

Stan: [to Roger while drunk, wearing a bathrobe] Welco... welcome home, space lothario. You might have slept with Scarlett, but I'm wearing your robe. Ha!
Roger the Alien: Hey, that's my pooping robe. I can tell by all the poop on the edges.

Roger the Alien: Oh, Franiel!

Stan: [after Jeff finds out that Roger is an alien] And now that you know, to protect this family, I have to kill either you or Roger.
Hayley: Dad, no! I love him!
Roger the Alien: Thank you. The feeling's not mutual, I find you a little doughy, but...
Hayley: Not you! Jeff!

Stan: [to his family] We can be together again! I've got a plan.
Roger the Alien: Does that plan include explaining why a footless blind man is giving an expert bajowski to our baggage handler?
[looks outside the window]
Roger the Alien: Admire the skills!

Francine: Stan, help me. I've been faking an affair to impress the Ladybugs. They found out I was lying, and now they're trying to kill me.
Stan: A cult of murderous housewives. Before 9\11, I wouldn't have believed it, or at least I'd ask you some follow-up questions, but that's just not the world we live in anymore.

Hayley,8490: [Last line of episode to Gross Oyster Guy] Suck our Butts!
[both punch him]

Stan: [to Steve] Weren't you supposed to quit crying for New Year's?
Steve: [while crying] I'm sensitive! It's a desirable trait in some cultures.
Stan: In France, maybe Oh, my God! Move to France! Go the hell to France!

Barry: Hey, if people can get past, can they also get futured?
Stoners: Whoa!

Stan: You brought Fat into our house!

Stan: [thinking] All right, Stan, don't make a scene. Just say something witty and exit on the laugh.
[yells]
Stan: So jealous!
[smacks his head on the table and falls]

Francine: Man, you got me thinking about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda. I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out.

Stan: [about Barry] Careful, Steve! He's as mad as he is fat!

Hayley: Oh, God, Mom. Were you ever cool?
Francine: Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool. Get it? I was making a Dr. T reference.

Steve: Flap Flap a-zap-zap!

Francine: She was an old woman.
Francine: She probably died before we hit her.

Jack: Now son, breaking in to a safe is like making love to a woman.
Stan: So, we should just pound on it for like two minutes?

Francine: Anything for me?
Stanley: Just a postcard that says your hair looks like crap. Hey, it's from me.

Steve: I thought we hated gays.
Stan: Well, that was before I knew they came in Republican form.

Roger the Alien: [as he's riding in Henry's bike] This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine.

Francine: I just can't believe Stan forgot our anniversary.
Klaus: I would never forget our anniversary.
Francine: We have an anniversary?
Klaus: October 25, the day you forgot to put on underpants. Let's celebrate early. Quick! Straddle mein bowl.

Stan: Klaus, I think I might have done a bad thing. I kind of brainwashed Hayley.
Klaus: Yeah, I'm sort of reading.
Stan: She's a sleeper agent and, well, I activated her. She'll do whatever I tell her. Of course, I feel terrible about taking away her ability to think for herself, but it's only for seven days. Then I have to deactivate her or she'll lose her free will. So I've only got until Saturday at 7:35 to make sure she stays on the path to happiness. I know it seems wrong, but it's for her own good. So that's okay, right? What do you think?
Klaus: I think you only talk to me when there's no one else to turn to. You don't care what I think. You just need to hear yourself talk. I think you're a selfish bastard and I think you can go to hell.

Debbie: Life is a banquet, and death is... dessert.

Steve: [to Roger] Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed and it's my fault.
Roger: All because you refused to do the heist my way.
Steve: How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything?
Roger: We'll never know now, will we?

Roger the Alien: [after knocking out two girls in their living room] Did you see where they went?
Stanley: Who?
Roger the Alien: The black guys that did this.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Surprise!
[scene cuts to Roger begging to Stan at gunpoint]
Roger the Alien: Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! You can't do this, it's not right! It's a wrong situation! I couldn't help it, it's my nature. Somebody hands me an angle, I play it. I don't deserve to die for that! You think I do? This is not us! This is some hop dream. I'm praying to you! I can't die! I can't die out here in the woods!
Stan: What the hell are you talking about?
Roger the Alien: It's from my favorite movie, "Miller's Crossing." Bravo, Joel and Ethan Coen. I mean, there are some proud parents, huh? Some nachas for the Coens?

Roger the Alien: [after Jeff gets beaten for the umpteenth time] This is getting ridiculous. You want me to walk you home again?
Jeff: [pushes him away] It didn't help last time!
[Jeff leaves]
Roger the Alien: Jeez, just trying to help the kid out.
[Jeff slams the door, Roger stretches and cracks his knuckles]
Roger the Alien: I'm gonna rape him this time.
[Jeff walks down the dark hallway looking perturbed until his sees Roger again once again in his cat burglar disguise]
Roger the Alien: You know the drill here.
Jeff: [voice breaking in anger] You know, I remember a time when this was a safe hallway. I left my door unlocked, kids playing after dark. I can walk home without being scared - AND I DON'T WANNA BE SCARED ANYMORE!
Roger the Alien: Just shut up and give me...
[Jeff grabs his gun and shoots at Roger repeatedly until the gun cocks out, Jeff walks away, Roger weakly takes out his gun to shoot Jeff until his hand slips shooting his own foot]
Roger the Alien: OW! That's a whoopsie.

Stanley: [Talking to Roger] You're the Adam Sandler of this house and nobody wants punch drunk love, just give us waterboy

[last lines]
Stan: Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!

Francine: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
Steve: I got so high.

Steve: [After bully Stan throws a coffee in his face] Ah! It's in my eye!
[And before Stan can respond]
Steve: I know, I know - that's what Mom said last night.
Stan: That right!
[Nodding happily]
Stan: While I was doing her! Bah-Boom!

Roger the Alien: Stan, how could you say nothing special happened?
Stan: Because I just want to forget about it, okay? I was drunk, and I made a mistake, and we're never gonna talk about it again.
[Roger gasps]
Francine: What are you boys whispering about?
Stan: Different types of sandwiches!

Stan: I don't know why Francine's so mad about me for always being right. I don't get mad at her for always being wrong.
[pause]
Stan: Boobs are holding up nicely for a gal her age, I'll say that.

Steve: [talking about the cool things a video game alien can do] Oh... um... sorry, Roger
Roger the Alien: No, no, you said it. It's out in the open. We have to live with it now.

Steve: [to Snot about Hayley] If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps.
Jeff: [sticks his head out the window] Yeah, she does.

Roger the Alien: [sniffs] Oh, I'm cleaning with gin. That means I've had 14 Pine-Sol martinis. And explains why my diarrhea cleaned the toilet.

Stan: Hey, Hayley, be our line judge!
Hayley: Can't! I'm making a landing pad for when the aliens bring Jeff back.
Roger the Alien: Okay, sweetie.
[to Stan]
Roger the Alien: I'm sure by now he's been dissected for science. Or for fun. It's pretty fun.

[last lines of the episode, as Stan goes outside to look at the damage done by the hurricane]
Stan: [sighs] What a day.
Cleveland: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
[Stan turns to see Cleveland and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
Cleveland: I don't even know where the hell I am.
Stan: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
Cleveland: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
[Two guns are heard cocking and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
Peter: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
[We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
Peter: Everybody shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
[Francine comes out the front door]
Francine: Stan, have you...
[Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
Peter: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic "American Dad".

Doctor: Steve, I spoke to your father, and he informs me you have a growth you wouId Iike me to ''take care of."
Stanley: You know, that ''inside zit'' we talked about.
Steve: So you want me to get rid of it. But I thought we were conservatives.
Stanley: We are, in America. Down here, we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez, orange farmers from Oaxaca, who've come in for a delicate procedure.
Steve: Okay, Dad. I know if Mr White found out you had a pregnant son, he'd be aII and you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!" So I won't have this baby.
Stanley: Wait. You think that's what this is all about? Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
Steve: Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups.
Doctor: And I've been drinking.

Francine: I'm *having* a *baby*.
Stan: No!
[Francine pepper sprays in Stan's eyes]
Stan: My eyes!
[Stan runs into the door]
Stan: My mouth!
[Stan runs back into the side table]
Stan: My back!
[Stan looks at a dead plant on the dresser]
Stan: My begonia!
[Stan accidentally turns on the radio, My Sharona plays]
Stan: "My Sharona"!
[Stan backs up into the television, accidentally turning on My Best Friend's Wedding]
Stan: My Best Friend's Wedding! Ah, my eyes again!

Roger: Why does everyone hate the juice?

Quacky: [to Stan] You are, without a doubt, the cruelest most disgusting excuse for a human being I have ever met!
Stan: Look, Quacky, you and me? Not gonna happen, okay? I'm like candy to these people.

[Klaus is riding on a model train]
Francine: Klaus, you got the train to work.
Klaus: Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.
[everyone gasps]
Klaus: No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

Steve: [to Hayley] If I go down, you go down with me. Then all that ink on your arm; it'll just be a bunch of nonsense no one can read unless you move to China, but who are we kidding? You don't have the guts.

Hayley: Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
Steve: Yeah, I guess so. Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
Roger: [slurred] Oh, yeah. Fatherhood. Jazzed. It's not Iike I wanted to do anything with my life, like Iearn to surf or go to JerusaIem.
Steve: Are you drunk?
Roger: Get used to it!
[slams the door]

Hayley: So you're the cat, huh?
Roger: Meow.
Hayley: God bless ya, you *commit*.

Jeff: What are you doing?
Hayley: Oh this? Just testing... the nature.
Jeff: [calmly] Did it test positive for
[exasperated]
Jeff: *genital lies*?

Francine: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but, please, keep going.
Francine: Oh, just forget it!
Stan: Great call, Francine.

Roger the Alien: [singing] I'm gonna eat some bread. Gonna eat my potato bread. Gonna eat some p-o-t-a-t-o-t-o-t-o bread. Potato Bread!

Roger the Alien: [while drunk] Christianity. My favorite deadbeat dad story. Check it: God fathers this kid, then disappears and then when the kid becomes famous, God wants to come live with Him. Exact same thing happened to Shaq. He did a rap about it called "My Biological Didn't Bother".

Hayley: [to Snot] I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.

Male: [seeing Steve wearing a back brace for correcting his scoliosis] Different!
[all students start throwing things at Steve]

Snot: Dudes! Vince Chung's throwing a bonfire beneath the water tower tomorrow night and get this: anyone can come as long as they bring booze or girls!
Barry: My sister's a girl!
Snot: Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski.

Stan: [to Roger] Shut it down, pack it up.
Roger the Alien: What?
Stan: Pack up your crap. You're moving to the basement. My mom's gonna live up here from now on.
Roger the Alien: But, Stan, this is my attic. This is my home. You can't do this.
Stan: Sorry, bro. Mom's family.
Roger the Alien: But I'm family, too! You just called me bro!
Stan: Sorry, cuz, I was just using it as slang. Let me break it down for you, son: Family is your siblings, your kids or most importantly, people you have physically been inside either sexually or as a fetus.

Francine: [to Stan] How come every time we go to a party you push me in the pool!
Stan: Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool. You're that girl. You're the party starter.
Francine: My purse tampons were floating in the water!
Stan: People were impressed by how big they got.

[after Bah Bah rescued Stan from being trapped in his own home because Mr. Dawson refuses to bail him out and arrogantly abandons him with his wife]
Stan: Why did you cut her out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Bah: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She failed math in school. Imagine, Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan: It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.

Jeff: [after bring home a child] Hayley, meet our son. I named him after my favorite character in literature, Nemo from the novelization of the film "Finding Nemo."

Francine: [while she and Stan are at a nightclub back in the '90s] Oh, remember this place, Stan? Right over there I slipped on a Beanie Baby and tore my flannel shirt 'cause it was the '90s, you see.

Barry: [during his birthday party] This is the worst Christmas ever.

Stanley: Oh, I could make potato salad.
Stanley: Potato salad? Hm, not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

Steve: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?

Roger: [inside the Mini Mart with Stan, both stoned] Stan. Do you feel lighter? I'm definitely getting lighter. I think I'm becoming immune to gravity.
Stanley: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait! It's a cheetah! CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world!
[hugs the bag of Cheetos he is holding. Roger cries off-screen]
Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?
[Stan sees Roger lying on the floor]
Stanley: Cause you're lying on them.
Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?
[Stan poses a lot of snack bags on the check-out counter and speaks to the cashier]
Stanley: Do you live here? Cause I could live here, this place is great!
[looking at the bags]
Stanley: Hey, look! Someone picked out all my favorite stuff!
the Cashier: That'll be...
[Roger arrives to the check-out counter holding a Colonial cat food bag]
Roger: And this!
Stanley: Cat food?
Roger: If I hold this, I won't float away.
the Cashier: That'll be $147.
Roger: What? Where would... Where are we gonna get that type of cash?
Stanley: We can turn in Jeff!
Roger: I thought Jeff was innocent.
Stanley: Uh! We gotta save Jeff!

Steve: [to Stan] You don't get to talk about air guitar!

Francine: [to Stan] Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ballgame with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ballgames, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Francine: [when Tungi returns] I forgot how much he S-U-U-U-U-C-K-E-D!

Francine: Wow, Klaus, I guess Roger's ass is cuter than you. Dick.

Francine: HonestIy, Stan, what does HayIey have to do with you getting a promotion? It shouId be enough you're good at your job.
Stanley: Yeah, it shouId, but we don't Iive in ShouIdIand. Ah, ShouIdIand, where cIean-cut kids cruise ShouIdIand BouIevard, and the ShouIdIand High team gets their asses kicked by their cross-town rivaI, ReaIity-Check Tech.

Roger: [while fleeing down the cliff and running into Francine] Oh, Hi Frannie. How was the barge?
Francine: Honestly? Pretty Great.

Steve: [to his friends] If we're lucky, we might just take a few of them with us!
[Steve and his friends face the angry mob, but they end up getting beat up by them]
Steve: We're not taking any of them with us!

Francine: [lets out a long fart] Ahh... I've been holding that in since Jeopardy.

Francine: Hayley, your cold sore is leaking into the mashed potatoes.
Hayley: That's the last time I use a lipstick I found on the bus.
Francine: No one's buying that, honey.

Steve: Dad! There you are.
Stanley: [nervously] Of-of course I'm here. Wh-where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
Stanley: [laughs] Well said, soldier.

Stanley: [to Jeff] Let me get this straight. You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival just to get my attention?
Jeff: Did it work?
Stanley: Did it ever!

Akiko: [to Steve] It's not what you think. Your mother...
Steve: Your mother!
Akiko: Steve, let me explain...
Steve: Your mother! I don't want to hear your lame excuses! I don't want to look at your stupid face!
Akiko: Fine. Forget it, jerk. I'm taking you down.
Steve: I'm already down. You don't give me comfortability problems anymore.

Francine: You'd better know what you're doing you dumb Irish Bastard!

Stan: [on the phone to Director Bullock] I have something you're gonna wanna see, no it's not nude photos of Talia Shire, I'm not asking you to guess, no I'm not getting you a belt, you can wait, sir stop it

Roger the Alien: [to Steve] Go to your room. Get back here. Give me a kiss. You're a good boy. You just frustrate me.

Francine: Good morning.
Stanley: Francine, your negligee is see-through. Unfortunately, you are not.

All: [singing in the car] Spawn of a demon whale. And a drunk King Kong. He's as big as a bus, with a 12 foot dong.

Francine: [in India] I prayed to an Elephant! How am I supposed to explain that to Jesus! Do you know what Superdiarrhea is, Stan?

Stan: I've never slept with anyone except you. But you... you have a sex garden that was on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.
Francine: Oh, is that what this is about? My past? Stan, that was just sex. Sex without love is meaningless.
Stan: Francine, I'm listening to you talk, I'm looking in your eyes, but all I can see is you taking more poundings than Omaha Beach before the ground assault began.

Stan: [while on the phone] Hi. I have to sell my house because my neighbors don't like me. Yes, that's the only reason. Well, I guess you and I have different definitions of silly. Remind me to never go to the circus with you.

Roger: Oh, Cagney & Lacey! You were so much more than thick ankles and carefuI police work.

HG: [Speaking fluidly to imprisoned Hayley] And then, I put a little bit of mint, banana, a green apple. Sometimes. It's practically everything: flax, chia, fish oil, CBD oil, coconut oil, olive oil, Pennzoil -- it's very oily. Don't spill it, because you'll be cleaning for the rest of the morning. But you'll have *crazy* energy if you get *any* in your mouth.
Hayley: How long do I have to be in here?
HG: Until you're ready to dance again.
Hayley: You mean... I can just go back to class?
HG: Sure. But if you *are* gonna make the smoothie, do *not* smoke for up to 36 hours after. You *will* explode.

Steve: Everyone? You told me you hadn't been touched in 6 years.
Klaus: Yea, and you took the hundred dollars. No one's a saint here.

Roger the Alien: [while dressed up as a doctor] You know, the thing about working in a hospital is if you don't have a funny black friend, things get pretty boring.
Turk: Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
Roger the Alien: Aah! Take whatever you want!

Quacky: Apparently, Betty Sue was so devastated by losing homecoming queen she walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and never came out. And speaking of coming out, ta-da!
Stan: So that's why you're so pale. This is the first time you've come out of your house. Welcome! This is a necktie and that's a table.
Quacky: No. I'm gay.
Stan: What? My gaydar is totally off.
[looks down at his watch which says "Straight, Curious, and Gay" and the arrow points at "Straight"]
Stan: Damn! SkyMall screwed me again!

Hayley: I got ninja-darted in the neck and while I was in the void between this world and the next, an overwhelming realization washed over me that Jeff is gone and I accept that now.
Stan: Great!
Hayley: I also accept that you two jerks are the reason he was abducted in the first place. And now, I'm taking your shuttlecock.
[takes the shuttlecock away and leaves]
Roger the Alien: She'll be back.
Stan: Roger, I think you're in denial.
Roger the Alien: No, I'm not.
[angrily]
Roger the Alien: I hate you! I've always hated you!
[nervously]
Roger the Alien: If she brings back the shuttlecock, I'll feed the needy, I swear.
[about to cry]
Roger the Alien: Oh, God, I don't think I can face this. I don't want to be around people.
[sighs and calms down]
Roger the Alien: You know what? It is what it is.
Stan: Roger, you just went through the five stages of grief!
Roger the Alien: But my species has six stages.
[kicks Stan in the groin, causing him to fall down in pain]
Stan: Was that the sixth stage?
Roger the Alien: [smiles] Nope.

Stanley: [passing out after being shot] Hayley, tell Roger... he's annoying.

Stan: Ten bucks. Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.

Francine: Francine to Roger, 'He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.' Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, Dr. Evazan to Luke Skywalker: 'He doesn't like you. I don't like you either.'

Stanley: [after the family is infected with a virus, Roger is making plans to redecorate the house] What makes you so sure you're going to survive?
Roger the Alien: Oh, my species is immune to all human ailments.
Stanley: So explain that cold sore.
Roger the Alien: [shouts] Mind your own business!

Betsy: Gymnastics was a prison I'm finally free from. Now that I'm an unwed teenaged mother, the world is my oyster.

Roger the Alien: My name is Braff Zacklin. I was an international racecar driver. One day, a baby carriage rolled out onto the track so I swerved into the retaining wall to avoid it. The car burst into flames, but the baby miraculously survived. I was that baby.
Steve: That doesn't make any sense.
Roger the Alien: I'm Braff Zacklin!

Roger: [about his exam] Why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda rights" I put, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby." Are these questions not about Sex and the City?

Stanley: [seeing crowd of nerds at a sci-fi convention] Good God! Who's manning the internet?

Francine: Oh, you're worrying about a hill of bananas.
Stan: Am I? I don't think so.
[Then thinking for a moment]
Stan: By the way, "hill of bananas"? I like that. Is that a real expression?
Francine: No.
Stan: [Smiling and point at her] Good for you!
[She smiles back at him]

Tanqueray: [while doing a dance for Stan] Oh, God! Leg cramp!
Stan: Are you all right?
Tanqueray: I'm still sexy! I'm still sexy for you, baby!
Stan: Cramp, huh? You need to get a banana in you.
Tanqueray: Uh, I don't do that, sir.
Stan: No, you need to eat a banana. You have a potassium deficiency.

Stan: You're right. I have a crack addiction and I've been stealing from all of you to support it. I took the TV and Francine's jewelry. Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs but those were just to wear while I was high. It's super fun to walk around high in a wig.

Stan: I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?
Father: Well Stan, we're hardly best friends.

Hayley: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control.
Stanley: You know what I have to say to that?
[pauses]
Stanley: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

Stan: A world without children. Future generations will thank us!

Roger the Alien: [on the phone] Watching the news?
Stan: How did you know?
Roger the Alien: Cause I'm right behind you
[Stan looks]
Roger the Alien: I'm just kidding, I'm at Indianapolis airport

Hayley: So, you're a despicable CIA fascist like my father.
Jack: No, dollface, I work for the Scarlet Alliance. It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck.
Klaus: Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin. I did lines with Falco in the men's room. Greedy, greedy Falco.

Stan: [while listening to Paco and his family sing] My God, listen to them sing about America. They aren't parasites, they're people. Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country. All we do is take it for granted and they're willing to work in my basement for soda, soda that I watered down. It's not about having kiss-my-ass money. It's about being here in the greatest country in the world. That's the American dream, Francine.
Francine: Okay, but can I have just one to help me with the laundry? There's just so much laundry, Stan.

Roger: [while Roger and Francine are dancing and Francine throws Roger off a cliff] I have the car keys in my pocket, you stupid bitch!

Newspaper Headline: Gas Prices Higher Than Dude At Weezer Concert

Steve: Okay, next up is Daniel.
Roger: [as Ricky Spanish] Daniel? I can't face Daniel. What I did to him was too horrible. Skip down! Skip down to someone else! No, forget it. Let's start a business. We'll buy a truck and do pedicures in it. We'll call it "Nail Salon Wheels Truck," I don't know!

Stan: [Looking at the fake ID] If these got into the wrong hands, they could be a huge threat to national security.
Avery: That's what I was trying to tell her father before he fell on all those bullets coming out of my gun.

Stanley: [to Francine] Sweetie, I made a mistake. Can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and just let it go?

Roger: [gasps] Stan, I just saw a deer! Or is that an elk? Or a moose? A horse? Oh! It's a picnic table.

Stanley: Francine, why did you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?

Stan: [Speaking to Francine over the phone] Still haven't found that blabbermouth. But when I do I'll kill him so hard that Death will throw me an ice cream party.

Religious: [to Hayley] You should be stoned!
Jeff: I'm way ahead of you, kid!

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You can't keep two girls on lockdown. You already got Francine. If you want to let her go, then I'll back off Scarlett. Of course, then, I'll plow Francine.
Francine: I'd let him, too. Dan Andsome-Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.

Francine: I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.
Stan: What was wrong with our old traditions? Like letting homeless people smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?
Francine: On "The View", they said we could try the Dutch custom of putting presents in wooden clogs. Barbara Walters said it and she had an affair with a married black senator. So, you know, she doesn't drive in the slow lane.

Francine: So Steve is carrying an alien baby in some sort of faux uterus. How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday?

Roger's: [to Roger] So do you like music?
Roger: Do I like music? No, no, I'm the one person on Earth who doesn't like music.
Roger's: Why did you answer my ad online if you were just gonna ignore me?
Roger: My profile has four pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window through binoculars. You knew what this was.

Barry: Girl shoulders!

Roger the Alien: Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here. Your inner child is putting his foot down.
Stan: I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
Roger the Alien: It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.

Francine: Steven Smith, I am your mother! If you don't get out of that cage, I will push you back up my clownhole and birth you again and name you my bitch.

Stan: Ah, Mr. Pibb. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing and totally lacking in pretension.

Stan: [to Bullock] Sir, you killed your date? What in the name of Phil Spector happened?

Stan: [to Steve] What are you doing?
Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan: I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Francine: Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
Jeff: I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
Francine: Just bad timing, Jeff.
Jeff: It's a sex thing.
Francine: I know, Jeff.

Avery: We've located an al-Qaeda cell camped out in the desert of Algeria.
Stan: Are they planning an attack?
Avery: No, they're just on a camping trip.
Stan: Those s'mores-making bastards!

Steve: Pop, you need to eat. You're wasting away. You're doing a reverse Vince Vaughn.

Francine: [Alarms are going off] Stan what's happening!
Stan: Not much, what's happening with you?

Stan: If you'd like to learn more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station.

Roger the Alien: Um... yeah. Could somebody tell Snake Pliskin here to back off?

Barry: [pulling his eyes to make them slanted] I'm Sulu.
Toshi: [translated] Laugh now, the next century belongs to us.

Stan: Here we go - mac and cheese. "Boil water." What am I, a chemist?

Sergei: To win Competition your mind must be Hard and Joyless, like Russian Turnip.

Roger the Alien: Au revoir, stardom.
[pushes a cinder block which drags the Roger doll to the bottom along with Steve off the boat and into the water]
Roger the Alien: Oh, did I tie that to Steve's ankle? Guess I'm clumsy like he wrote in the book. How do like that ending, Steve?

Avery: [to Hayley] How dare you taIk to me that way, you third-rate tart?
Avery: Sir, she is my daughter.
Avery: SiIence, man-horse!

Hayley: After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do women, but then... that wasn't working out. So, long short story, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.

Stan: [to Roger as he falls at Niagara Falls] Why'd you let go?
Roger the Alien: Because I don't think your mom and I are gonna be able to patch things up and I'd rather be dead than no longer a part of your family!
Stan: I was wrong, Roger. You don't have to be in my family to be my family!
Roger the Alien: Dude, seriously? I really wish I'd known before I let go!

Hayley: Hayley I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your marriage to Jeff.
Stan: Dad, you could have said that at my wedding instead of demanding that the band play more white music.

Debbie: Steve, I'm sorry, but well, Etan asked me to be his date to his Bar Mitzvah and I said yes.
Steve: What? You're dumping me for that snobby rich kid?
Debbie: Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature. I'm sorry, but I need a man, not a boy.
Steve: A boy? Could a boy produce tears this big?

Donald: [Sutherland saying to a lady in a restaurant] You know, you should get involved in politics. Let's talk about it over drinks. Maybe at my place?
Stan: [Stan listening in to Sutherland's conversation] Let's talk about it over your brains. Maybe all over the place?

Stan: [to Roger as he's beating him up] You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!

Roger the Alien: What is this and how can I replace my Blood with it?

Newspaper Headline: Stuff Happens As Wave of Ambiguity Spreads

Francine: [to a police officer] Oh, come on. I live right there. Can't you just give me a break, pig-fucker?
Officer: That is not my name, ma'am.
[points to his name tag which says "Officer Figpucker"]
Francine: Oh! Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.

Roger the Alien: [after Stan accidentally stabs him with the daggers] Ah! You dumb son of a...! No, that's not who Roland is. Hey! You're doing great!

Paco: Hayley, I'm here because of your father. He said I was spending too much time with you and not focusing on my career. He said I was spending too much time with you and not focusing enough on my career, so I must break up with you.
Hayley: What? No! I let you give me a mole frijole. That's the most intimate thing a white woman can give a Mexican man.

Stan: [to Hayley about Jeff] Just because you married him doesn't make him a part of my family.
Hayley: Actually, it does, Dad, and you need to accept that.
Stan: Hayley, the only thing I have to accept is that socially I can't wear mascara even though it makes my eyes pop like firecrackers.

Avery: Well done, Smith. I'm going to pat you on the bottom.

Roger the Alien: [In front of Storage Unit] BEHOLD, my fortress of solitude.
Stan: [whistle] Impressive.
Fat: Afternoon, Sotineers. Strawberry Coors, it something I invented, I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a twizzler, you see.
Stan: I really Like your roommate.
[Roger opens his storage slightly and rolls through opening]
Stan: Nice touch, with the rolling. Don't want open the door too wide, and let disability check Dan there, See your...
[in awed my Roger's slightly damaged spacecraft]
Stan: fortress of solitude. Oh, good lord, it's real.
Roger the Alien: You know Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine, the rest of them can suck it, but Francine I hate to see die.
[climbs into his ship]
Stan: [Nervously] Roger, we... we joke a lot, me and you. But you know, that deep, deep in my heart, I've always loved...
Roger the Alien: TOO LATE STAN! YOU'VE SEALED YOUR FATE AND NOW...
[Roge press a button, and nothing happens]
Roger the Alien: Something's wrong. What the? Why isn't this
[Roger frequently press a lot of random button]
Stan: [discovers a note taped behind the craft's review mirror and then read it out loud] "Dear human who discover, this wreck please disregard it. We crash this ship into your planet to test new safety features, because we care about our customers. The alien inside, is merely a crash test dummy who most likely died within impact."
Roger the Alien: Crash test dummy? But they told me...
Stan: AH HA HA, the decider, that is classic I am loving this,
[laughs hysterically]
Roger the Alien: No, no this can't be.
Fat: Excuse me, gentlemen. If I just found out I am the Lindbergh baby, whom do I tell?

Viewer: ["Geneveive Vivance" goes off the air] I can't read! I depend on you!

Hayley: Wait, I recognize you. You're that amoral puppet master behind George W. Bush!
Karl: [flattered] Thank you.

Francine: You've been sneaking out for the last 20 winters to ice skate? How come you've never told me?
Stan: How can you tell someone you love you're a monster?

Roger the Alien: [while reading US Weekly] Stars. They're just like us. Ooh! Here's Tara Reid buying a gallon of vodka and a case of morning-after pills. I drink gallons of vodka. I should be a star.

Roger the Alien: Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape. Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them. If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.

Snot: [after Hayley beats up Snot for taking her panties] That was amazing. Those are the luckiest panties in the world.

Steve: Wh... wh... who took my panties, m-my women's panties th-that I was wearing? Has anyone seen my women's panties that I was wearing?

Stan: [Roger has just walked in on Stan and his mother in the bath] What do you do when your mom's unhappy/Jerry's left her feeling crappy/sing her a shanty nice and snappy/wash her in the bathtub/wash... wash... wash your veejay, scrub, scrub, scrub your veejay/rinse... rinse, rinse your veejay/next we'll do your tushie/wash... wash... wash your tushie/scrub... scrub... scrub your tushie/rinse... rinse... rinse your tushie/we just did your tushie!

Stanley: Sorry I'm late, I was getting a piping-hot cup of coffee. It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man-mouth can take it.

Barry: Why are you talking like that?
Snot: Tooooo muuuuuuuchhh Zooooooolooooooftttt aaaaaandd Iiiiiiiiii'mmmmmm stiiiiiiillll soooooo saaaaaaadd...

Francine: Nothing bonds a family like a dark, horrible secret.

Stan: It's High School, Steve, it doesn't matter.
Steve: You said that last time, when's it start to matter?
Stan: Never.

Klaus: You know what? I'm not gonna push the conversation. I'm just gonna chalk this up as a "W."
Stan: Shut up, Klaus!
Klaus: And I broke even.
Francine: Quiet, Klaus!
Klaus: And I blew it.

Stan: [about Steve] Kid's got his mother's ass. Lucky son of a gun.

Steve: Uh, Mom? Dad? I think I'm pregnant.
[lifts up his shirt to show his pregnant stomach]
Hayley: You can't be pregnant! You're a virgin... and a boy!
Steve: Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples!

Stan: [When Stan ends up in court for beating up the meter maid] This is humiliating.
Francine: Relax, Stan. Nothing's gonna happen. Punching a meter maid. It's like punching a fat person. No one cares.

Stan: Who's the boob? Is that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It's like "fatty" or "baby penis."

Steve: I feel it coming on!
Francine: Don't you do it, young man!
Steve: I think I'm gonna go bananas.

[on the roof, speaking through a megaphone]
Stan: Until you give the exact details of your next attack, I'm depriving you of sleep.
Linda: It's two in the afternoon.
Stan: No sleep! That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it? Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet... lilting... lullaby...
[snores, falls off roof]

Roger: Uh yeah, Steve, I'm a professional film editor, I can do anything. Tyler Perry's movies are actually quite good before I get my hands on them.

Ashley: [to Snot about her doll, Julia] You took advantage of Julia!
Snot: What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Ashley: Get out!
Steve: What's going...?
Ashley: Both of you, get out!
Steve: No, no, wait!
Ashley: She was a virgin!
[holds Julia close to her]
Ashley: What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?
Steve: You didn't use a condom?
Snot: Are you kidding me?

Francine: This man's given me something you haven't for a long time.
Stan: We've talked about this. My neck gets tired.
Francine: I'm talking about respect, Stan.
Stan: Oh my God, you respected her? You're dead, Klaus!

Stan: Our grandkids are gonna be half loser, I'm gonna hate them, I'm gonna tell them, I'll look them right in the eye and say Pop Pop hates you

Francine: It must be fun to play an Army guy.
Roger: Play? Puppies play! Reese Witherspoon plays to her strengths when she takes on middle-of-the-road romantic comedies like "Sweet Home Alabama."

Roger: [while outside the hospital's cancer ward, speaking through a megaphone] You're all going to die! Your parents and your doctors are lying to you!

Stan: [after Stan learns he might not be Hayley's father; while hugging Francine] You big whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.

Stanley: [after swallowing a self-destructing letter] I'm pooping blood tonight.

Francine: Roger, I'm glad you're not straddling me anymore, but you're ruining your Build-A-Bear.
Roger the Alien: Hey, if he doesn't like it, he can say something. That's why I gave him three mouths. Well, that's not why.
[laughs]

Steve: Behold, it is here! My first pube!
[pulls down his pants and shocks the entire family]
Hayley: Ugh, it's red!
Steve: Fi-yahh!
Hayley: Oh God, I'm gonna be sick!

Francine: You're the richest guy in the world because you have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Stan: I'm the richest
[pretending to be on his cell phone]
Stan: Hello Bill Gates turns out I'm the richest guy in the world because I have an adoring wife and a loving family , hello UNICEF
Francine: I get it.
Stan: I'd like to donate some of my immense riches, you mean children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you!

Roger: I'm a docent, Stan. If he breaks your record, I'm out of a job and I will not go back to Relax the Back. I repeat, I won't go back to Relax the Back as long as Douglas works there, and we both know Douglas is going to work there for the rest of his life.

Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Oh, now, why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work or mow the lawn or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

Francine: [about Steve] That four-eyed bastard. That malnourished pasty geek. I knew I should have aborted him.
Stan: Goodness.

Steve: Au revoir, les enfants. That means
[bleep]
Steve: you!

Francine: People are stressing me out and I can't smoke, so I'm gonna go sit on the dryer and think about Stamos.

Stan: You're too old to be playing with toys!
Steve: What? You're never too old to play! Using your imagination's a healthy way to escape reality for a spell.
Stan: No, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.

Snot: For my bar mitzvah, I need to get to the park before dawn to get the picnic table next to the swings. It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or boner carved into it.

Klaus: [while looking at cute animal pictures] Ugly, ugly. The walls of my anus are cuter than that panda.

Stan: Sounds like a job for Suck Machine!
Greg: How did you know my high school nickname?

Roger the Alien: [jail guard blowing whistle] Look out! He's calling the Von Trapp children
[dogs barking]
Roger the Alien: Oh, that makes more sense. Run!

Roger: Tonight we find out who shot Mr Burns?
[to someone off-screen]
Roger: 15 years ago? Well who was it? Really? The baby?

Roger the Alien: It's four, ninety-nine.
Stan: I guess we can add another five bucks to your tab.
Roger the Alien: Five bucks? For "Barbra Sings Celine"? No - it's four hundred, ninety-nine dollars. Barbra comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
Stan: Four hundred, ninety-nine dollars? I wouldn't pay that much to see Barbra DO Celine!

Bob: Ooh. That'll make some nice venison. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna cook y'all a hell of a meal today. Right after me and this here reindeer make sweet, tender love. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Stan: I'm a useless old man. I have no sense of temperature, I got a pocket full of wet hankies and all I want is 45 more seconds to speak at a town council meeting.

Stan: [to Steve] Your face is freaking me out. You look like the cashier at CVS.

Stan: [to Roger] My God! Did you get in a fight at school?
Roger the Alien: No. Look, you know, I'm gonna be a straight shooter with you now. I think I screwed the pooch on this one.
Stan: What?
Roger the Alien: You know how you said try to be friends with the senator's daughter?
Stan: Yeah.
Roger the Alien: Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle and then I sold her to a drug dealer. The end.
Stan: You what?
Roger the Alien: Are you seriously mad at me, Stan? You're the who's always telling me to go with my instincts. I thought you'd be proud of me.
[looks out the window]
Roger the Alien: Ah, there's a blue jay out there.
Stan: I don't want to see the blue jay.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's so blue. You're not gonna want to miss this.
Stan: No.
Roger the Alien: Stan...
Stan: Fine.
Roger the Alien: Oh, it's gone.
Stan: Why would you sell the girl?
Roger the Alien: Why would you not look at the blue jay earlier?

Steve: OK, so Megan Fox and Seth Rogen come out of a room containing only one chair. Do you sniff the chair?

Hayley: What do you know about Henry Kissinger?
Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.

Steve: [after learning that Cassandra committed suicide] Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
Francine: [Mockingly] I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants!

Francine: God, Hayley! I get it! I'm un-rapable, not stupid!

Francine: We're grandparents!
Stan: Steve was raped by a confused lesbian?

Klaus: [referring to Roger the Alien] I wish he'd get sick like ET.

Roger the Alien: Delorean? Are you doing coke?
Stan: No
Roger the Alien: I get it, talk later, I'll take half a key

Hayley: Jeff, I don't want to have kids. I have no maternal instincts. I only have animal instincts: eating, pooping, lying down before it rains.

Snot: Take it from someone who's getting sniz on the reg.

Francine: [as Stan rushes to get to church on time] Wait! My bra!
Stanley: No time! Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see 'em!

Stan: [after seeing Steve and Snot playing air guitar] I don't know where to start here. Look at you two. Best case scenario: you're telling me you're gay with each other.

Roger: [after escaping from a burning barn] You know what I meant to ask you? How did we get out of there?
Stanley: I think we did some sweet maneuvers from that movie Backdraft.
Roger: I never saw Backdraft.
Stanley: Me either.

Steve: [after seeing a dog on the street] Sandy!
Chris the Bum: His name is Ronald! You trying to rename my dog? This guy's trying to rename my dog!

James: [Talking to Francine] I just want to say I'm a big fan of your work. The way you write dialog reminds readers it's really hard to write dialog.

Snot: Steve, what the hell are you wearing?
Steve: Ah, man. I must have grabbed a pair of Hayley's underwear from the dryer. This day can't get any worse!
Snot: Those are Hayley's? Let me smell them.
Steve: Snot, we're on the bus. I'm not going to take them off.
Snot: That's not what I asked.

Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, THE GUY!

Jamaican: [the flights are delayed] Where the irie plane, mon?
Jamaican: You trying to tell me this flight is late, skank?
Jamaican: Rude boy!

Roger the Alien: Sorry again about the whole cheek thing.
Stan: Nonsense, you just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through. A glory hole, in my face.

Stan: [to Roger] I'm acting the crap out of you.

Roger the Alien: I guess you had to come out of, or regularly visit- Francine's clown hole to matter around this place!
Francine: It *is* a happening spot.

Avery: Dick, I believe you're up.
Dick: I don't have anything for show and tell. I just found out I have liver cancer.
Avery: I'm giving you a zero for the day.

Stan: [simultaneously demonstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.

Matthew the R.B. Burgers Murderer: Facebook is for racist Grandmas!

Francine: Well I'm going to go enter my pie.
Stan: Like I did last night, huh?

Klaus: Yes, I heard about the bunny-poops.

Roger the Alien: [real estate scam] Oh look, another serious buyer.
Husband: But you're so young
Wife: How can you possibly afford this house?
Steve: Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Of course.
Steve: Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.
Roger the Alien: Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?
Wife: Well, are you?

Roger the Alien: You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.

Francine: [to Stan] You have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self righteousness of Sean Penn and the embarrassing hypocrisy of Rush Linbar, you're almost as bad as Rachel Ray

Stan: [as his car runs out of gas] Stupid gas-guzzler...that I as an American have every right to drive.

Francine: Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!
Steve: We could go skiing!
Stan: Or, here's an alternate pitch. Uh, stay here, watch the Duke game - just hear me out - I order boneless wings from KFC - hang on to that thought, Hayley - I take a long bath and then, wait for it... none of you are here!
Francine: Or - just hear me out - we stay home and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off, I'll slam a book on your testicles.
Steve: [pause] Did someone say skiing?

Stan: That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt.
Rusty: Um, I don't...
Stan: Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a slapdash job.

Newspaper headline: Optimist Drowns in Half-full Tub.

Stan: Work is where I come to socialize. Having Francine will ruin that. How would you like it if your wife worked here?
Avery: Oh, I'd love it. Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets in a Red Lobster parking lot?

Steve: [to Stan] Damn your experimental steroids!
Stan: It's okay, son. You're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called "roid rage."
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right.
[opens up his bathrobe to reveal he has breasts]
Steve: I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

Steve: Principal Lewis. Thank God, we're saved.
Principal: Sorry, Smith. I've ordered my administration to turn a blind eye to these proceedings.
Janet: Thanks, Daddy.
Steve: Janet's your daughter? How come you never mentioned this before?
Principal: Because I'm ashamed of her for more reasons than you can imagine. Still, that's my little girl, man.

Francine: Maybe you should take Steve
Stan: Steve who? Steve Guttenberg, that would be a road trip, picking up tail, signing autographs, all the best love Mahoney

Roger: [Roger Begins his second attempt at his sexual harrasment suit by keeping a box of donuts between his legs] Hey, you looking for something glazed and bad for you?

Principal: Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Langley where we lay our scene. Shakespeare, bitches!

Stan: You know, you're a real bright kid, Johnny. I gotta say, I've lived in this neighborhood for a long time and...
[pulls out his gun]
Stan: Bam!
[Johnny screams]
Stan: Dead kid in the cornfield! Crows picking out your eyes! Mama can't find you for weeks!
Johnny: You're an ass, Mr. Smith.
Stan: And you're funny-looking.

Stanley: [discussing Francine's potato salad] What if I told you that it contained a horrible ingredient? An unholy ingredient.
Karl: Unholy, you say?
Karl: [stands up and opens his robe, traumatizing the entire family then sits back down] Anything else?
Steve: Where... where does your food go?

Stan: What do you want, Hayley?
Hayley: I just wanted to give you a store-warming present. A bag of my mulch. It's filled with crap, just like you.
Stan: Now, that is funny enough for you to leave on.

Stan: [after Francine brings home a dog] What the hell is that?
Francine: This is Fussy. His owner was killed, and he needs a home.
Stan: No way, Francine! We're Smiths, and Smiths have manly dogs. This dog couldn't be any more effeminate, even if it had 20 vaginas, and then it would just be a freakish mutant or a beautiful symbol of fertility.

Roger the Alien: [crying] Sons of Tucson, new on FOX? When was this on? I watch FOX. I never saw this.

Steve: I can't believe we've been walking around all night and couldn't find one crime.
Roger: This neighborhood's gotten too safe since the Blacks moved out. David and Franklin Black. Two white brothers who killed every Mexican in town.

Roger the Alien: And now Francine's in prison and it's all because I lost my edge. I'm washed up. I'm done.
Isabella: Listen to yourself. Your friend's locked up and all I hear is " I, I, I".
Roger the Alien: Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.

Stan: [drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
Tank: What're you talking about, Fruit loop She's Terry's girlfriend.
Stan: No, she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
Tank: ...What?
Stan: Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay!
[Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner. His father, confused, catches him]
Stan: See? That's not how a straight guy faints. This is how a straight guy faints!
[collapses forward and lands flat on his face]

Stan: [to Bullock] Are you nuts? You hired my wife?
Avery: So? I also banged your daughter. And remember your 4th of July barbeque. I muff-punched your gram-gram. She was just too senile to know it.

Francine: Oh, my God! Our house!
Stan: Nothing to worry about. Just your average greasy Chinese duck fire.
Francine: Is everyone okay? Steve? Hayley? Roger?
Stan: Everyone's fine.
Francine: [sees Klaus] Oh, and... and Klaus. Is Klaus okay? He's the only one I really care about.
Klaus: [with angry despair] Too late, Francine. Too fucking late.

Roger the Alien: [while on the phone with the police after Steve runs away from home] Officer, he's not in the house, he's not answering his phone. I'm his guardian. If anything happens to him, I'm responsible. Calm down? Calm down? Okay. He was exactly right. That was good advice.

Roger: Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.
Klaus: Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. I'm aIways in mein crapper.

Steve: You're making me mad Barry. I'm getting real frustrated.
Evil: Don't you do it, Steven. Don't you go bananas!

Cam: [leaves with Tom] Come on, let's get out of here before these geezers have a heart attack.
Stan: Why would I tweezer my fart crack? Dumb kids...

Avery: [as he rides Stan like a horse] Thanks for the Iift, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube.

Francine: What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
Stan: The manliest man, he'll do you right, seriously? you should be having sex with him, I don't think he's asleep, I can get him for you

Francine: [after finding out Stan's been lying about his father] I can't believe you lied to me all these years.
Stan: And the best part is I'm still lying about a bunch of other stuff!

Stan: I just feel so violated by the fact that that thing was inside of me. It would mean a lot to me if I could have the first cut.
Avery: All yours, Smith.
Roger: [screaming] No! Don't put that mask on me! I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!
Stan: I'm doing what has to be done.
Roger: [screams as Stan turns on the gas and is knocked out] Huh. He reversed the gas. Son of a bitch Superman 2'ed me!

Stanley: I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenataI exam aIone. It's kind of a father-son thing.
Francine: Oh, okay. HayIey and I'll go say heIIo to the donkey running around the cancer ward.

Klaus: [to Stan] Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss, but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend.
Stan: Who's the talking fish?

Francine: [while sleeping] Do whatever you want. Just don't get it in my hair.

Stan: When Roger washes up on shore, we can take him to the emerghmancy rom.

Roger the Alien: As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures: trash TV and booze. Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.

Hayley: [At a party] Jeff you were so good at dinner.
Jeff: Babe we're good together, which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
Hayley: Woah it's only been three weeks and besides I don't think my dad would be too happy about that.
Jeff: Babe your dad digs me, I can tell he wants us to be together
[Two CIA agents Stan hired break into the house, stuff Hayley into a sack, and drive off with her in a helicopter]

Hayley: Jeff, you have mayo on your back.

Stanley: Sweet Sally Struthers... Sweet Sally Struthers! I can say "Sweet Sally Struthers!"

Roger: All right. I didn't want to do this.
[puts two toilet plungers on his chest]
Roger: Plunger boobies! Oh, my God! Could you imagine if I really had nips like these? I'd like to think I'd find love.

Principal: Spaghetti and meatballs. Gotta love my peeps!
Steve: Wait, Principal Lewis, Italian food is part of your culture?
Principal: What *should* I be eating, Steve? What should a man with *my* physical attributes be eating? Something from a different part of the world, perhaps? A certain continent? Should I be wearing a different kind of clothing while eating it? Enlighten me, Steve! What should I be eating?
Steve: [thinking on his feet] Uh... Deez nuts?
Principal: Your silver tongue has gotten you out of yet another scrape, Smith.

Stan: [to Steve after he gets breasts from the steroids] Let's not panic. The CIA scientist gets back from vacation in a few days, so until I get the antidote, we have to keep your magnificient ta-tas underwraps.
Steve: What am I supposed to do now?
Stan: Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages. It's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in "Boys Don't Cry." You know, that movie where she got what she deserved.
[Steve gasps]
Stan: An Oscar! And brutally sodomized...
Steve: Dad!
Stan: In a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press. Steve, is this really the time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!

Roger the Alien: I'm out of here.
Mr. Rothberg: Whoa, the wedding's about to start.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, I lied. I'm not an orthodonist.
Mr. Rothberg: That's okay. You can work for my greeting card company.
Roger the Alien: I'm also not Jewish.
Mr. Rothberg: You'll convert.
Roger the Alien: I'm not even human.
Mr. Rothberg: Who is?
Roger the Alien: Oh, you're strong.

Sensei: Enough chit-chat. Now make like a woman who's neighbor has a pet chimpanzee, and face off!

Stan: [to Francine as she's in jail] So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
Francine: What?
Stan: Like at summer camp.
Francine: You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
Stan: I would. I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras and trade up for something lacy.

Steve: [to Roger] I guess we all figured you'd be with Scottie. How is he by the way? Has he been worrying about whether having boners at night means he's gay? Because I have.

Steve: Let's go home.
Jeff: Orrrrr... should us brothers split the acid I've been saving in my pocket all tour?
Steve: That's all you, big bro.
Jeff: Good, 'cause I already took both doses and I'm banana monkey bingo foot. May I have this darnce, Madam Eucalyptus?

Klaus: Stan, these people are monsters! You know what my country's done and even I find this repulsive.

Taylor: Kai, big news, man. There's a typhoon in the Atlantic that's reversing the jet stream.

Roger the Alien: It's not a real party until somebody dies!

Roger the Alien: [to Farmer Ted] Here's my home number, my cell and the women's shelter where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife. Soup is not a meal, Vera!

Principal: Hey, can I get another one of those Stephen Hawking pills where my mind's working but my body ain't? Maybe I'll write a book while I'm out. Call it "A Brief History of Fine". Be about Diana Ross. Yeah...
Jeff: Here, take the whole bottle.
Principal: Great, see you all in twelve hours.
[eats pills and collapses]
Principal: Fire up the cloud car, Lando - I'm coming to visit!

Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?"
[laughs]
Stan: Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint? Yeah, I'd rather die

Bullock: [to Stan] You'II get your promotion, just as soon as you do one Iast thing for me.
Stanley: I've picked up your Iaundry, I've poIished your shoes, I've done everything but bend over backwards, and my daughter did that. What eIse couId you possibIy want me to do?

Hayley: [to Jeff about Francine] If you even look at her, I'll pour this hot coffee down your pants, pervert.
Jeff: Yeah, well, it'll be the first time you got me hot in a while, Frisbee whore.

Henry: Roger, don't go! I swear I'll change. We'll play all day and we'll make a fort out of pillows and I'll never be too busy for you. You're my alien.
Roger the Alien: Oh, Henry, yes, yes! A thousand times, yes!
Steve: No! God, Roger, what the hell? You're the most backward-ass advanced live form ever.
Henry: See? He doesn't care about you.
Steve: Look, Roger. I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it because you're not my alien. You're my friend, my best friend.

Steve: [shouts] The monacle!
Steve: YES STEVE, THE MONACLE! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

Francine: Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad? He's really obsessed with this band.
Hayley: [after getting trapped in the pool by Stan] Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour. Thank God the pool guy came.

Paramedic: [to Stan] Hey! Where are you going?
[to Fireman]
Paramedic: Anyway, Listen me prattle on; How was your Dad's Funeral? Did you cry?

Roger the Alien: Cops already? What, are we next door to a freakin' Krispy Kreme?
Stan: You're thinking about donuts now?
Roger the Alien: No, I'm just saying the cops got here fast!
Stan: What the hell do fast cops have to do with a Krispy Kreme?
Roger the Alien: Because cops love donuts!
Stan: You are not making any sense!
[the police car stops as Roger hides in the trunk of Stan's car, then the cop comes out]
Stan: Evening, officer. Is there a...
[vomits right onto the cop's chest, who glares at him, then he's soon after put under house arrest for DUI]

Doctor: When you ran over your wife, twice, it caused her brain to detach from her central nervous system. She's what we in the medical profession call a "husk."
Roger the Alien: I've heard of that.
Doctor: We can reattach her brain, but it's an experimental procedure your insurance won't cover.
Stan: That's my wife. I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it.
Doctor: It's $178,000.
Stan: What if l don't need her to talk?

Steve: [narrating] So now I was a published writer, but my life had become boring. As boring as a bad metaphor or a simile. Whatever, I'm not a writer.

Steve: She played Lady Macbeth in our school production of Oklahoma. Frankly, it was a mess, but our drama teacher finally got sober. Thank God!

Steve: [about his roller derby name] Stevie Wonderbra. I like it 'cause it's about tits.

Stanley: [to Roger after he makes a napkin] What the hell is this?
Roger: Metrosexual soccer icon, David Beckham. I can't do swans. I don't know why.

Principal: Hey, Steve, I'm just telling a few people, I'm making belt buckles now if you want to buy one. Check it out.
[shows Steve one of his belt buckles]
Principal: He's got red eyes from smoking weed.
Steve: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian.
Principal: My job's mostly administrative.

Steve: Don't think anyone's gonna pick up a half naked 42 year old and his young boy companion, just saying

Steve: [walking to jukebox] I'm gonna see if they got any Keith Sweat up in this piece.

Stan: [Stan is wearing panties] Steve stop stealing glances, if you want to check out the meatballs on this thing, go ahead, I'm your Dad

Roger: It's time for me to cut loose. Footloose! So why don't you two get lost before I kick my Sunday shoe up your ass?

Greg: So it's satirical home performance art? Not bad.

Klaus: [They're communicating telepathically] Use the mental telepathy we share to take down Steve
Hayley: No, bring down Steve without our powers
Klaus: Stick in the mud bitch
Hayley: You know I can hear you
Klaus: Yeah I'm pissed

Roger the Alien: Myeeeah!

Steve: [to Stan] You can still be a good dad if you get me some more nachos, fat ass. And don't skimp on the chili peppers! I want my farts to hurt!

Stanley: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.

Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
Stan: Well don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.

Francine: Stan, I'm late for my period.
Stan: Maybe if you jump up and down... get things started.

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God! It's happening for me. I'm almost a star. Oh! There's my cell phone. Oh, my God! It's Johnny Depp.
[pretending to talk on the phone]
Roger the Alien: Deppster! What's shaking?
Klaus: That's not a cell phone. That's a bar of soap you painted black.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, hang on, J.D. Watch it, Klaus or I'm gonna cram this bad boy 20,000 leagues up your butt.

Steve: [to Dane Cook] I don't care what every single person on Earth says. You're hilarious.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] And what makes you the big dog?
Stan: Um, everything. I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, I can wet-nurse better than you.
[starts to lactate]
Stan: Easy, girls.

Roger: Chaz, can you take me home? My tummy doesn't feel so good. I should have just had sex with that mayonnaise.

Roger: Go kiss him while he's pooping. You know, give him a San Diego Thank You.

Barry: Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yay!
Stanley: Oh, God, I want to hit you!

Francine: Tulips? Where did you find this asshole?

Stan: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

Roger the Alien: [after he and Stan get kicked off My Morning Jacket's tour bus] You boner.

Steve: Well, I guess it's back to squinting really hard till stuff looks like boobs.

Steve: Aw, what am I gonna to do?
Francine: Well, you have two options: You can fall apart like a bitch punk in the street or you can Mark Zuckerberg this thing!
Steve: You think?
Francine: Yeah. Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Stan: I've been planning a road-trip for the family to see all of our country's greatest monuments. And of course we'll take the secret back roads. You always want to enter a National Park from behind. Not many parks will let you. But if you find one that will, they'll pretty much let you do anything.

Stan: [to a photo of George W. Bush] Who's going to take over when I'm enjoying a glorious Reagan-style slide into dementia? What do you think? You're the smartest person I know. I mean, I've always respected you, even when you were drinking and doing all that coke.

Hayley: Roger, your lecture today was just ideological nonsense.
Roger the Alien: Oh, really? You've just earned yourself a week of detention!
Hayley: There's no detention in college.
Roger the Alien: Oh, right. Well, then I'm taking 50 points from Gryffindor!

Steve: [to Stan and Francine] Leave me alone, embarrassing straight parents or I'll pee in your cereal!

Stan: [to Francine] Just because snow is the same color as our refrigerator doesn't mean you know how it works.

Avery: [On the phone] I said kill them, kill them all! Yes, yes, them too; also them! No! not him, that's me...
[hangs phone]
Avery: Idiots.

Stanley: [picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.
Principal: Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
Stanley: Oh, God, he's gay. This is it. This is the gay call. I've been ready for this for years.
[starts chugging down pills]
Principal: Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
Stanley: I see.
[foam starts coming out of his mouth]
Stanley: Henry, antidote.

David: Hey Bones, look at this bone.
Emily: I know, but did you see this bone?
David: Where'd you find that bone?
Emily: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting here next to this bone.
Woman: Dr. Brennan? Bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone?

Avery: Our Alien Task Force clearly needs some rejiggering. Ray, you're no longer in charge.
Ray: Of what?
Avery: The Alien Task Force.
Ray: What the hell's that?
Avery: The task force you've been in charge of!
Ray: Oh. How did I do?

Francine: [after Linda saves Francine from being killed by the Ladybugs] What are you doing here?
Linda: Duh. It's Wednesday, our grocery shopping day?
Francine: Isn't that crazy? I thought my boring routine was killing me, but it ended up saving my life. And that fake lesbian kiss, What a great idea!
Linda: Fake? Oh, yeah... of course. Fake.

Roger: Hello, Sharper Image? Yeah, give me three Sopranos pinball machines, the radio golf ball, a floating ant farm, a flashlight hammer to smash the ants with if they piss me off...

Steve: [to Stan] Why do you care how I get those oranges up those steps, I can pay someone to do it for me just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass

Newspaper Headline: Scientist Discovers Wife Cheating

[last lines]
Stan: Coochie-coochie-boo!
[waits for response]
Stan: Did she smile when I said that?
Terry: No!
Stan: Will you ever remove the restraining order?
Terry: No!
Stan: She likes sugar in her coffee!

Stan: [Hayley changes her mind about eating Becky] Hayley!
Hayley: This won't be a problem. I've eaten macrobiotic burritos, I can do this.

Francine: I take the tour every day except for Sundays when the tour is free and the place gets a little
[whispers]
Francine: ethnic.

Jeff: [to Hayley as he lies in bed with her] So babe I'm just curious, I'm not really sure how you feel about us right now
Hayley: [appearing to talk to him in a childish manner] I love you, you're my best friend
Jeff: [breathes a sigh of relief] That's so great to hear, I love you too Hayls
Hayley: [pan to reveal Hayley is talking to an Anna doll from Frozen] It's so awesome you're a princess, what's that Anna, there's a stinky, hairy ogre in the room?
[turns towards Jeff]
Hayley: you and your pee-pee are gross!

Stanley: We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.

Roger the Alien: Hawaii... that's where Japan goes to play golf.

Roger: So let me understand this wrestling thing. The goal is to lie on top of another man against his will for three seconds in a bathing suit. Is this a high school sport or my trip to Cancun?

Steve: "My crazy sister locked me up and made me kiss a raccoon on the mout-" No! That's not true! None of this is!

Stan: Mr. President, I'm sorry. I just thought if you fudged in the pool, maybe people would stop laughing at me.
Barack: Oh, man. You can't worry about what other people think of you. Do you know how mad the black community gets at me because I don't smoke menthols?

Stan: [Threatening Steve] Don't say a fuckin' word...

Jeff: Ah, the source of my power.
Hayley: Whoa, are you're full demon now?
Jeff: I was forged in this spicy habenaro mango infused cason. The first element of all God's creation.

Belgian: This IHOP has desecrated the Belgian waffle for the last time! What you call "Rooty Tooty French 'N Fruity" I call spitting in the face of my countrymen!
Little: But that's served with pancakes.
Belgian: Shut up, pig dog!
Belgian: [opens coat to reveal suicide bomb vest]

the Mexican: We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Señor Toad's family. Ribbit! It's like "olè". Anyways, here is your official Señor Toad sombrero and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.
Roger: Is this heaven?
the Mexican: No. It's Mexico.
Roger: That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.

Roger: Ow! I stepped on that glass! I stepped on that mother-loving glass! You're all sued when I get back!

Camera: No-one's more Unincluded than the Camera Guy.

Francine: [to Roger] Go back to your whore family!

Roger the Alien: Oh, what fresh Hell is this?

Jesus: Kneel before the Lord... punk.

Roger the Alien: [When Roger and Henry are playing video games] I win.
Henry: Let's have a rematch.
Roger the Alien: Nah, let's do something else. Ooh, ooh, let's play catch with a Koosh ball.
Henry: I said I want a rematch!
Roger the Alien: Ow, you're hurting me! Let me go!
Henry: Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you.
Roger the Alien: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that's exactly what you've done because I am hurting very much so.
Henry: It's just that I hate to lose and I don't own a Koosh ball and I thought you wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore!
[starts crying]
Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Don't worry. We all make mistakes. I once took down the better part of a bottle of Amaretto and busted a growler in a museum donation box.

Francine: How humiliating. Hayley made me look like a total idiot.
Stan: Honey, you're not a total idiot. I mean, you got the point of the film, right?

Stan: [To Hayley] I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, you were aging in reverse and your life would soon be over

Steve: [to Roger] You slut!
Roger the Alien: I have to say, it was super relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve: Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
Roger the Alien: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Oop, I mentioned it.

Snot: [to Toshi] LEARN ENGLISH! LEARN! ENGLISH!
Toshi: Eat... My... BOWLS!

Francine: You were right, Stan. I want to meet my real parents.
Stan: Don't worry, honey. I'll find them, no matter how long it takes. They'll be here at 6:00.

Evil: Yes, Francine's first on my list. My list to kill! My name is Barry.

Gertie: You tell him he's a Carpetbagger!
Roger the Alien: [Drunk] You're a Carpetbagger, Stan! Wassat?

Greg: [after Greg and Terry tell Francine about them preparing Libby for college] You gotta start early if your child is going to be exceptional. It's the only way to get into the Ivies, but don't worry, Francine. Hayley turned out fine.
[he and Terry snicker]
Francine: You guys are both bitches!

Roger the Alien: I made it rain, made it rain. I made it rain on them boys!

Stan: I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisys.

The: Um, we're kind of in a hurry here.
Francine: I'm not going back to that filthy decade without any Purrel!

Stan: They called me Stan The Man. There was a girl in my class named Stan.

Francine: Oh, Stan, you're probably just having a midlife crisis. Do you wanna cheat on me?
Stan: A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!

Avery: [to a couple of strippers] You. Give this man your finest "Trouser Arouser". And you, strangle me while I brush you hair.

Kristy: Francine, I heard you bullied your way into the "Parade of Homes". Too bad you can't strong arm your house into looking presentable.
Francine: I think it looks okay.
Kristy: Well, if you think "okay" is good enough then you're as stupid as your house is ugly. Oh, my God, I'm a bitch. Okay, vroom-vroom.
[drives off in her car]

Stan: [to Francine] If she's having sex at any time, the dot will turn purple, I paid extra for that option, I can explode her breasts

Stanley: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. CheetAH. CheetOS. There is so much beauty in the world.
[hugs bag of Cheetos.]

Stan: [Gatecrashing Heaven] We're Mormons! We were born dead!

Stan: It's raining wise men. Hallelujah.

Steve: I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad. All the running, all the all the studying, all the planning for your Christian camp. I know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not going to happen! We can't get the permits!

Roger the Alien: Oh, my God, Stan! How upset are you? Seriously, on a scale from one to pissed? Oh, who gives a flying fig? I'm a star!

Jeff: [after Hayley wakes up screaming from a bad dream she's having] Babe, you're having a bad dream.
[Hayley breaks Jeff's arm in her sleep and he screams]
Hayley: [as she wakes up] Jeff, you're having a bad dream.
Jeff: No, I'm not. You broke my arm.

Hayley: Yea, watching Rick compared to Todd did give me a brief tingle in my downtown tinsel town.

Roger the Alien: Holy Toledo, you killed your son's dog! And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cause that's a giant load of crap.

Steve: I don't know. Pepperoni doesn't seem like a last sleepover pizza. You know, because pepperoni starts out as one stick and then you have cut it all up. I fear it sends a message of separation more than unity.
Snot: You're killing me!
Steve: Don't bite my head off!
Barry: Yeah, don't bite his head off!
Snot: Shut up, Barry! You're just going to eat all the pizza anyway.
Barry: Hey, don't lob factual statements at me as if they're insults!

Roger the Alien: [when he's about to go back to his home planet] Do I have to go? My planet's freezing cold, there's no booze and sex is so boring up there. It's all consensual.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan on the phone] We need to talk about Atlantic City. Francine's asking questions and I don't know what to tell her.
Stan: Tell her nothing! Look, I have work to do.
Roger the Alien: Don't hang up! I will not be ignored, Stan. I'll come down there. Oh, yeah, I'll come down there, and I will make such a scene!

[Family is playing Scrabble]
Steve: Quivecs? That's not a word.
Roger the Alien: It is on my planet!
Francine: Is it a proper noun?
[beat]
Roger the Alien: Damn!
[rearranges letters]

Principal: [standing on the roof of a building during a hurricane, wearing speedos and firing two machine guns into the sky] End of days, bitches!

Francine: I may be bIonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

Terry: I'm very particular about what I put in my body.
Greg: Yea, unless you're on a booze cruise in Mazatlan.

Stan: [Stan and Roger open the bedroom door and find Steve laying on the bed reading while a line of guys take turns feeling his breast] Oh my god! My son's a slut!
Roger the Alien: Oh my god! I just made that bed!

Stan: [Bullying his son onto the pavement] Give me your wallet.
Steve: Stop!
[Struggling with his dad while on the ground]
Steve: get off of me!
Stan: Yeah that's what your Mom said last night!

Principal: Yep, looks like the pottery class is coming in. Perhaps we should relocate as I am not legally permitted to be within 100 feet of the instructor, or more specifically, her sugary sweet ass.

Stan: [to Lorraine] Oh, hey. How's your ankle?
Lorraine: Not good. Doctor says I got to lose 55 pounds. I said, "Well, I'm losing you. That's 200 pounds right there."

Stan: When you tell the truth, you don't need to flush. Your ass has betrayed you!

Steve: [as he and Stan burst into the sci-fi convention] That's Dan Vebber!
Stanley: Sorry, Vebber. You're going away for a long time, so pack your Baggins!
[crowd groans]
Steve: Dad, I know people here.

Stan: The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum. Dedicated to the high school wrestling career of Stan Smith.
Steve: Um, I've lived in this house my whole life. How long's this been here?
Roger: Construction of the museum began in 1998. I should know because like Ross on "Friends", I'm a docent. But unlike Ross, I don't look like a Monchichi.

Stanley: I'm this cIose to a promotion and our darIing Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.

Steve: [to Amy] You think Debbie's a buffalo? I'll show you a buffalo.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a Baggie, touch a urinal, then touch your face.
Stan: Yeah, okay.
Roger the Alien: Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony, get an ear infection...
Stan: All right. I understand, Roger.
Roger the Alien: Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-O, touch penises with a neighbor boy.

Roger the Alien: [to Jewel] l... It's not you. It's the timing, you know? I just got out of a bad relationship.
Jewel: You're lying. I'm a loser.
Roger the Alien: Don't be like that. You're not a loser. Think how pretty you make people look by contrast. That's a gift.

Avery: Did you know that P. Diddy only sleeps four hours a night? Like I've always said, let's run the CIA Diddy style: He's up all night designing sweatpants, picking colors, textures, various velours. Piping here, double pockets there, his mind is a volcano.

Steve: [narrating] The court ruled in my favor and I was finally free of my parents. Did the book make me rich and popular? Yeah. Did it all go to my head? Oh, yeah. Did I start talking like Robert Evans? You bet your ass I did. Did I even know who Robert Evans was? Not by a long shot.

Paco: Ooh, I must hurry. If I'm late, Misters Greg and Terry give me so many pinches.

Francine: Listen, I don't want a baby either. Trading sushi and bourbon for hemorrhoids and swollen boobs. Screw that.

Roger: [to the song "Xanadu"] Xanadu/Can't cry on cue/Now I am here in Xanadu
[to an older lady]
Roger: Here you go, ma'am, I talked to the chef. There's no cream in the soup, just like you asked for.
[back to the song]
Roger: Xanadu... !
Francine: Roger's playing Olivia Newton-John on our cruise ship? Oh, this has Goo written all over it!

Linda: [to Francine] So did you throw out the lasagna?
Francine: No. I just have to find a way to make it taste fresh on Thursday, but tonight is "Leftover Wednesday", so I have to make a casserole that tastes like I made it yesterday. If I stay in this rut, it won't be long until it's "Head-In-The-Oven Friday."

Steve: [to Snot] Okay, so Ashley's crazy as hell, but she's good to go.

Stan: Ah, Damn autocorrect. It changed "doc gave me meds" to "dog gave me AIDS". Let me juuuust... send. Damn it! "dong gave me AIDS". Let me juuuust...

[repeated line]
Stan: OOH!

Roger: You hustling me, boy?

Roger the Alien: We're poor, we've got too many kids, it stinks to high heaven. This'll inspire one hell of a country song. Just need a macchiato to get me going.
[to Naydern]
Roger the Alien: Where's our espresso maker, dear?
Naydern: The what?
Roger the Alien: [Scene cuts to Roger driving off] No, thank you!

[Roger and Stan pretend to meet for the first time at the CIA]
Roger: What's your name?
Stan: [through clenched teeth] Stan.
Roger: Hmm, I already know a 'Stan'. I'm going to call you Mortimer. Now, run and fix me a coffee.
[Stan doesn't move]
Roger: Today, Mortimer James!
[turns to Bullock]
Roger: I add his middle name when I'm disappointed in him.

Roger the Alien: [while holding a net standing next to a big envelope] Elian? Is that you, baby? Come on in. You're safe here. I will not send you back to Coo-ba.

Roger the Alien: [Persian Club Shark] My cousin makes porno and I think you girls should get involved, I hear it makes you feel really good about yourself.

John: She's twelve.
Francine: Yea, a hard twelve. Grass on the field, go shoot the President.

Snot: We had to do it, Steve... you were out of control.
Barry: Like my cholesterol!

Steve: Hayley, let me in! I was led astray by a false prophet and I forgot my keys!

Dusty: Whoops, sounds like someone had a little too much to drink.
Klaus: Please, how can anyone get drunk paying fourteen dollars a beer. It's half my disability check just to catch a buzz.

Roger the Alien: Hey, hey. Should I come out of the closet and then make a big stink when they won't let me take my 50-year-old boyfriend to the prom?

Shannon: [to Steve and his friends] Yo, nerds, any of you seen an alien?
Steve: No, we're looking for panties.
Shannon: Oh, we're all looking for stuff.

Francine: Oh, Roger, we just love Qurchhhh.
Hayley: Uh, yeah, she's terrific. Plus, she hasn't seen The Wire and I love to turn people on to The Wire.

Francine: [to Roger] Why is everybody staring at us?
Roger: Maybe 'cause we're at a funeral and you got your taters out.

Stan: Damn it, Roger! I've told you a million times! No smoking in the house!
Roger: And I told you it's menthol, so it's healthier than an apple.

Stan: [to Steve] I had a bully once. Stelio Kontos was his name. He was as mean as he was Greek. He made my life a living hell. He totally tormented me. One time, he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day. Gave me ass rabies. My anus was frothing like a cappuccino. Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
Steve: The kind that bullies his own son?
Stan: Right

Hayley: Listen, Reginald, I never had a chance to say I'm sorry for trying to kiss you the other night. I was drunk and stupid. It'll never happen again.
Reginald: Girl, don't even sweat it. That was the liquor talking and liquor loves talking to my cute ass.

Cam: I can not tell you guys how glad we are to have found you. The last couple we met was so boring.
Tom: Well that's because they are so old, I mean they were like 40.
Steve: 40, ha well Lois was he from that village in china where they live forever?

Roger the Alien: Tam, I gotta go, the Boss is being a real Catch you Next Tuesday...

Linda: [holds up glass] To new friends.
Francine: You guys, I have a confession to make. This wasn't a theme party. I was just covering for Stan.
Bob: Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.
Francine: You have?!
Bob: Oh, sure. But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante, he's still a hundred times better than our last neighbors.
[laughs]
Bob: They were black.

Stan: I might just make a holiday yet. Then I'll have kiss-my-ass money.
Hayley: This is outrageous.
Stan: Kiss my ass, Hayley!

Hayley: Steve you are never going to get laid, there is nothing attractive about you, you have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a psychiatric hospital

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Oh, my God! I'm gonna die and I still have two years left on my Apple Care.

Roger the Alien: Hey, Hayley-kins, want to play Jenga?
Hayley: That game's kind of lame. Unless you want to make it a little more interesting.
Roger the Alien: Uh... no thanks.
Hayley: I thought you loved to gamble.
Roger the Alien: Oh, is that what that means? Oh, I thought you were hitting on me. No, sure, yeah, let's play.

Steve: [to Roger] Maybe you should go to fat camp. Damn! Because you're taking up so much space right now. Oh, damn!

Steve: Dad, face it. I'm never gonna be popular like Vince Chung.
Stan: Don't say that! Don't ever say that! Don't you see, son? Everything's better when you're popular. Colors are brighter, jeans fit snugger. You know when you put a piece of Juicy Fruit in your mouth and for the first five seconds, it tastes so sweet and perfect like someone sprayed a little miracle on your tongue? Well, that's what being popular is like, but all the time.

Dick: When I was your age we had to work harder than this!
Stan: When I'm your age I want to be dead for ten years.

Stan: [to George W Bush] Is it true that you can make Tony Blair do anything you want? Like if you said he had to eat a bug, he'd eat it even if it had lots of legs?

Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's g-string.

Steve: [to Mitch] Sorry, my... um, war veteran uncle here blew up your car.
Mitch: No matter. A car is merely a means oftransporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived, for they contain the dough of life.
Roger the Alien: [pretends to wake up] I'm sorry. I drifted off. Are you on Thorazine? What the hell? I mean, what year is it? Who's president?
Steve: Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish your route, won't you lose your job?
Mitch: Perhaps, for lo, when a pie reaches not its destination, a trust is broken forever.
Roger the Alien: Yeah, look, Kung Fu, I prefer my crazy in my bread.

[last lines]
Pedro: Bye, have a beautiful time.

Roger the Alien: God! Who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay?

Stan: God pays twice as much attention on Christmas, like the media when a white kid goes missing.

Roger: Mirror, mirror on the wall. Let's see how you like it on the floor!
[smashes the mirror]

Steve: [about Ronald Regan] But he's dead?
Stan: But not unreachable
Steve: Like Gandalf the Grey when it came back as Gandalf the White
Stan: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads

Snot: Wow! Uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan.
Toshi: Unlikely. Those women are not underage schoolgirls.

Hayley: [after Stan poops in Buckle and Sharri's pool] I was in the pool when he did it. I was at Ground Zero.
Roger the Alien: Hayley, it's not okay to use that term. I was actually at Ground Zero. I was the first one on the scene selling erotic T-shirts: "Osama Bin Sexy," "Sexy Bin Laden" and "Yo Mama Bin Farting." That last one was not erotic to everybody.

Stan: So, uh, what do you think the CIA will do with the alien when you bring it in?
Shannon: Oh they're going to dissect him like a frog, like Kermit. That's probably my favorite frog.

Stanley: Francine, this happens every time! First you pull out a gun and threaten to shoot me. Then I pull out *my* gun. Eventually, your arm gets tired, you leave, and we have passionate "nobody-got-shot" sex.

Mrs. Lonstein: Eveything okay down here? Oh, you turned this into a darling little rumpus room.
Klaus: Yeah, it's pretty sick.
Mrs. Lonstein: Gosh, I haven't been in a basement like this since high school.
Mrs. Lonstein: [Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" plays on the jukebox] Ooh, this song. It really takes me back. Did I ever tell you about the summer I went on tour with a Journey cover band?
Klaus: This is literally the first time we've met.
Mrs. Lonstein: Mmm, air hockey?
Klaus: No thanks. I don't feel like playing.
Mrs. Lonstein: [seductively] Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?
[climbs on air hockey table, hits air conditioning which blows her skirt]
Klaus: Oh, no. The basement has her. Listen to me. We must leave this place right now!
[Mrs Lonstein flips the puck knocking Klaus' bowl towards her blowing skirt, sending him under]
Klaus: Oh, boy.

Roger the Alien: You know, we can't all look like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies, Francine.

Roger the Alien: [after seeing Stan act] Somebody remind me to cancel my Ambien prescription.

Newspaper Headline: Economy Turns Corner, Falls Down Stairs

Roger: You know what kid I wanted to kill? The youngest daughter in "Mrs. Doubtfire." Hated her face. By the time I could get a good shot at her, she had grown up and turned into nothing.

Sweatshop: As you can see, our facility is exceptionally cruel. Our workers may pray for freedom, but they hope for death.

Stan: Enjoy that job until your first drug test.
Jeff: It's cool Mr. S., I know everything about drugs.

Steve: Hey, Roger, a missing remote. Looks like another case for...
Steve: [both] Wheels and the Legman!
Klaus: Enough!
Roger: What the hell's your problem?
Klaus: Every "Wheels and the Legman" is the same. You pick a boring case, you bicker, then you solve it. The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
Roger: It's true. I've got the remote right here.

Roger the Alien,20272: Francine!
Roger the Alien: Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour, but we may still have some crab cakes. Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
[snaps his fingers]
Francine: I don't want any crab cakes.
Roger the Alien: Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.

Stan: [Hayley is hospitalized after Stan set the house on fire] Hayley, when they told you to feel the burn, I think they were talking about exercise! I shouldn't joke about this, I did this.

Stan: Did you know Greg and Terry have an illegal alien walking their dog?
Francine: Isn't it terrible? I'd be way too uncomfortable having some poor immigrant working for me like that.
Stan: Oh, are you done? I was hoping you'd talk more about yourself.

Stanley: Damnit! This is all Francine's fault! She could have started the wave of laughter. Laughter is contagious, like Small Pox or Gay!

Butch: My name is Butch Johnson from 5 Green Lane, Plymouth, Indiana, zip 46563-3781. I like shooting hoops and Ms. Kelly Ripa. But seriously, anyone seen anything to do with launch codes?

Kevin: Ice-T! I have to say, "Cop Killer" is absolutely my favorite song. It got me through Boarding School!

Roger: I'm not ready to die! Not before Shatner!

Roger the Alien: Behind the wheel of every taxi is a sad confused person who lost a bet they didn't understand.

Stan: Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, dissapointment, diarrhea more often than not. I don't- I don't know if there's an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days.

Stan: I don't want another religion, I want my religion.
Francine: I know, honey, but the thing is, you already kind of screwed yourself there.

Klaus: Has anybody noticed we're watching Gay Porn?
Frat: Maybe it's only Gay at the beginning! I say we keep watching!

Roger the Alien: Floor Spaghetti!
Francine: Floor Spaghetti?
Roger the Alien: [Floor Spaghetti] Floor Spaghetti.

Avery: [Talking to Stan] My students call me Professor X. Because I'm always trying to sell them ecstasy.

Steve: [to Dream Girl] What are you doing here?
Dream: I'm traveling cross-country taking Polaroid pictures of people walking other people's dogs. It's pretty hard to tell, but I didn't become an artist because it was easy.

Stan: Once we were foes lockin a death struggle now he works for me. Stalin's up in heaven cryin' his eyes out.

Roger: You gonna share that crack you're doing or what?
Stan: Crack? This is cold medicine.
Roger: No sir, it's crack.
Stan: It's not crack! I bought on a park bench outside a soup kitchen from a guy in a lime green sui... oh my God it's crack.

Steve: Hi, Betsy. Steve Smith. We were in first grade together before you Ieft for gymnastics camp.
Betsy: Steve! Great to see you again.
Steve: Are you still into the juice and crackers thing?
Betsy: No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet. I can only eat what Coach Béla Kàrolyi approves.
[holds up glass of water with a lemon wedge]
Bela: Lemon wedge? Fatty wants a lemon wedge? Here's your precious lemon wedge!
[rubs a whole lemon into Betsy's face]

Mr. Beauregard: These are my associates. They like to watch.
Steve: Oh that's unsettling.

Stan: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Steve: Every time I walk, it's like a game of g-nip g-nop

Roger the Alien: I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy
Francine: I just feel so sad for those poor actors

Principal: [Realizing he just broadcasted of him talking about sex with minors] Oh fuck me.

Stan: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.

Roger the Alien: You're a bum, Qui-Lo! You think you can treat people like this because you've got everything going for you? Well, obviously you can because I'm fine with you and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday!

Francine: We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
Bullock: Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah. She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists. Hey, do I smell meat loaf?

Snot: [Looking at Klaus dressed as a hamster] I can't wait to tell you about Jewish Camp.
Klaus: Wait, you came back from Jewish Camp?

Steve: [to Dream Girl] I just realized I don't know your name.
Dream: I could tell you my name, but would my name tell you that I'm incapable of seeing the color orange? I just have to trust people who give me these. Or that I think mustaches are t-shirts for lips? Or that I wear ice skates to weddings? It's hard to dance, but that's just the type of person I am.

Klaus: You don't know why the Americans and the Germans were fighting in World War 2? Nobody knows...

Client: Please, this key is my grandfather's legacy.
Steve: Uhp, "legacy".
Roger: Fine, we'll take the case. You're lucky you said a word with "leg" in it. It's my only weakness. That's how I got this Foghorn Leghorn key chain and this bag of legumes.

Stan: I don't negotiate with terrorists.
The: Oh really? Have you ever bought a mattress?
Stan: Okay, you got me.

Roger the Alien: [about Stan] The boob strikes again.

[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I mean, I can't even think of a metaphor that's better than this. And I'm a published poet. Now, come on. Put it down.

Hayley: Plus-sized women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Häagen-Dazs.

Hayley: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes!
Steve: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
Hayley: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
Steve: And?
Hayley: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once.
Steve: Aww yeah!

Stan: We're too late.
[sinks to his knees]
Principal: *I'm* right on time!
[cuts off Greg's remaining leg]
Greg: Aaah! You Big Black Bitch!

Roger the Alien: 3:43. Just peed myself... asparagus.

Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You got a best buddy? Can I be your second best buddy?
Stan: Let's see. How do I hang an air freshener on this? You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you.

Steve: Snot? Are you okay?
Snot: I almost didn't make it to school.
Steve: Oh, no, Jenny. What did she do?
Snot: Oh, Steve! We went to Taco King and then we rode the Ferris wheel, then we went to the beach and stayed up all night talking about our hopes and dreams. Then I fucked her! I finally did it, man. I'm not a virgin anymore.
[Steve has a shocked look on his face]

Roger the Alien: Steve, just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Stan: Steve, your mother will be raising you which unfortunately means that your life will suck worse than Nicolas Cage in "Ghost Rider."

Roger the Alien: [excited about Stan's fancy new drink] Oh my god, what is this and how can I replace my blood with it?

[last lines]
CeeLo: Well, that's it. Stan's dead. Goodnight.

Stanley: [to Steve] I look around me and I see it isn't so!
Steve: What?
Stanley: I mean, why'd you cheat?
Steve: I'm sorry. It's just... creative writing is hard, I can't do it.
Stanley: Can't? We don't live in Ameri-can't, Steve we live in Ameri-ca. No, no, no, wait, we live in Ameri-can. No, wait, that's not right. We are Ameri-can. W... where was I going with this?
Steve: Um, I said creative writing is hard...
Stanley: Oh, yeah, yeah. Perseverance, Steve. It's all about perseverance and if I Ameri-can't teach you about it, I have a friend who Ameri-will. Well, that sounded good. Had a bumpy start there, but I think I pulled it together.

Ray: Who are you to say I'm too old?
Stan: Ray, you microwaved a sponge yesterday, thinking it was a Hot Pocket. You cooked it for 30 seconds, flipped it over and then cooked it another 30 seconds. You had a lot of opportunities to see it wasn't food.

Roger: Alexa, what's left on my schedule for today?
Klaus: You have a 3:15 as traveling nurse DeAndre Comadendo.. Then after that...
Hayley: [recognizing the voice] Klaus? Did you hollow out Roger's Echo?
Klaus: [denying] No way! I'm not Klaus. It's me, Alexa, bro!
Hayley: [skeptical] Alexa, who was the fourth emperor of the Ming Dynasty?
Klaus: Um... Chickety-China, the... Chinese chicken?
Hayley: Hmm... That could be right.

Suze: You know what I just realized, this kid has no mom. If he died here today there would be no mommy to morn him.
Trish: And no mommy to press charges.
Steve: How did this get so dark?

Klaus: There's an old German saying: "don't blame the fish." There are other sayings, but they, um, mostly involve genocide.

Roger the Alien: Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends. Your cooking is worse than her acting!

Collector: We're going to have to change the name of the Blorpher, I feel stupid saying Blorph all the time.
Collector: You will have to take that up with the inventor of the Blorph, Dr. Blorphy McBlorph-blorph!

Avery: Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances. Oh, the things you can buy with a handful of bills. It makes me excited. It gives me the chills. There'll be filch-arounds, breeders, hambones and tweeners. Zobows and debows and blobs that go "eener." For a one-dollar bill, you can pull down their zippers. I am the Snorax. I speak for the strippers!

Mitch: One thing delivering pizzas has taught me is that easy street isn't always the best route.
Steve: So true.
Roger the Alien: Okay, Steve, when people start a sentence with, "What delivering pizzas has taught me," that's the go-ahead to tune out.

Roger the Alien: [about Scarlett] I think I'm going to ask her out.
Stan: You? You three-foot-tall, gray, disgusting piece of shit! Scarlett's an angel. You're a pig. She would never go for you.
Roger the Alien: Listen, you, that hurts. I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, but you... you cracked it.

Barry: [after farting on Steve who he orders to sleep under his own bed] That should be with you momentarily.

Newspaper Headline: Bush finally gets joke about his last name.

Stan: Look at this! We're having a father/son moment.
Steve: [punches Stan in the groin] Quit ruining it!

Francine: Stan, I know you're upset.
Stan: Upset? I'm just now finding out my daughter might not even be mine. I can't believe it. I mean, I changed her diapers, I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces, I sent her to college. Holy shit, that guy owes me so much money.

Roger: Let's try that on the fart setting.
[plays farty notes on keyboard]
Roger: I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension...

Klaus: [after Francine brings home a commission check that is bigger than Stan's paycheck] Oooh, it looks like you have been trumped by the earning power of your little house frau, mmmmm.

Stanley: Hayley, where's your mother?
Hayley: Last time I saw her, she was in the kitchen serving up body shots.
Stanley: What a hostess.

Hayley: [to Roger] Hey, what happened to being a country singer?
Roger the Alien: Oh, living the honky-tonk life was too hard. I'm doing calypso dancing now.
Hayley: I don't blame you. The woman you ran off with was a mess. Did she have a tattoo of Burt Reynolds on her stomach?
Naydern: No, she didn't. It's Victor from "The Young and the Restless."
[shows off her tattoo]

Francine: [When Francine goes over to the CIA to find Stan] Stan, this is the last time you put work before Steve!
Avery: He's actually with Steve right now.
Francine: What? So Stan's at the dance?
Avery: No, he's here, but he's remotely controlling a teen girl at the dance who's about to get sex-pummeled by your son.
Francine: What?
Avery: It's a lot like "Avatar."
Francine: Like what?
Avery: Avatar. It's a movie?

Roger the Alien: Hayley don't Preach/ I'm in trouble deep/ Hayley don't Preach/ I need booze to sleep/ but I've made up my mind...

Amy: I'm not gonna kiss you with my top on
[removes her shirt]
Amy: [Steve's alarm sounds]
Steve: No Amy! I have so much horniness to give!

Hayley: Please, Ahnt Gwen.
Gwen: "AHNT"?
[in English accent]
Gwen: Get a load of her majesty.

Jack: [after Stan discovers his dad is a jewel thief, one-eyed Jack locks Stan in a cage so he can't turn him in] Sorry son, but I can't go to prison. Do you have any idea what they'd do to my eye socket in there?

Francine: [If believing she ripped up the contract Stan signed to become a robot] The refrigerator manual
Stan: I'm still Stan

Stanley: Osama, is that you?

Stan: [to Steve] Son, good grades won't get you anywhere in life. You only get places through athletic accomplishments.
Steve: Well, what about Bill Gates?
Stan: Before he blew out his ACL and had to do computers, Bill Gates rushed for over 300 yards a game.
Steve: Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
Stan: And I don't know the recipe for apple pie, but that didn't stop me from making one.

Principal: Always bet on red!

Stan: [Waking up in an empty bed] Merry Christmas Francine.
[shouting]
Stan: Honey, where's my morning BJ? I have to get my own breakfast juice? Some Christmas.

Stan: Their laughter can't hurt me if I don't let it, extended fantasy sequence Obama helped me realize that
[He walk into his house, everyone's laughing at him, Stan writes Barack Obama in a book, he closes it to reveal the cover People who gave me bad advice in my extended fantasies]

Roger the Alien/Sydney Huffman: Rudy, Tootie, fresh and fruity! I'm in a pile of doody!

The: [reassessing her life] Shoulda married Chad...

Stan: God is my co-pilot! And the Virgin Mary is the hot stewardess! Ding! More peanuts, Mary!

Stanley: Hillary, look out for the mine!
[Explosion]
Stanley: What did I say? You heard me, what did I say?
Steve: You said look out for the mine.
Stanley: I said look out for the mine.

Francine: Stan, you were supposed to give up yelling for New Year's.
Stan: But I love yelling! It feels good and it's good for you. That's why Sam Kinison lived so long.

Jewel: [to Roger] You can do whatever you want to me.
Roger the Alien: Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of "Raiders"?

Barry: The all is lost moment!

Stanley: [to Hayley] What the heII do you think you're doing?
Hayley: Avery caIIed to apoIogise for what he said. We met for coffee and, weII, I know it's crazy, but I Iike him. He chaIIenges me, and he has a huge...
Stanley: Penis! I mean, HayIey. Damn, I was trying to cut you off before...
Hayley: I was gonna say ''heart'', but, weII, you shined his shoes.

Hayley: [to Stan] Overweight people have enough problems being disgusting without you making fun of them.

Avery: Jeff, quick question: Why do you only shave your left goose egg? I'm doing it now too and I want to know the reason why.

Klaus: [as the family is playing Simon] Like countless children and stoners before you, you have been enslaved by the four-tone succubus! Damn you, Hasbro!

Stan: Oh son, every day with you is like a punch in the nads.

Bartender: [to Francine] Hey, Mr Fishburne.
Francine: Yo, what up, G? Two fingers.
[to Stan]
Francine: Last time, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne. I just never corrected him.
Stanley: What a mess! If they find out my son is pregnant, I'll Iose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again!
Francine: Stan, forget Chuck White. Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
[the bartender gives Francine a glass of whiskey]
Francine: I said two fingers, bitch!
[slaps the glass to the floor]

Roger: Once upon a time, there was a little alien who went to the police academy.
[imitates the "Charlie's Angels" opening credits and the kitchen explodes, causing Francine to scream]
Roger: Had to blow up the kitchen, Frannie. It goes real well with this thing I'm imagining.

Charlotte: I'm a registered sex offender.
Snot: Where are you registered, and what have you still not received?

Stan: It's okay to be afraid. Fear is what keeps us alive.
Steve: But you're not afraid of anything.
Stan: Yes, I am. I'm afraid of losing you. That and people finding out I can't pronounce the word "dorktor's oyfoice".
Steve: Are you trying to say "doctor's office"?

Roger the Alien: [can't roll an oreo from his navel into his mouth] Dammit!

Stan: [to Steve] Where'd you go?
Steve: I got the usher.
Stan: I almost died!
Steve: I almost died too... of shock. I accidentally ran into a Hugh Grant movie. Ugh. Such a youthful haircut on such an old face.

Roger the Alien: Speaking of which, you know what I neglect sometimes? My own needs.
Roger the Alien: That's not a joke. It's something sad.

Melinda: Francine, why didn't you tell me about Avery's unbelievably sexy accent?
Avery: Ben Rothlisberger.
Melinda: Ooh, yeah.

Hayley: So how was the big night?
Roger the Alien: It was... what's the word? Shmooblydong? Is that a word?

Greg: Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela. It made me want to become journalist.
Nelson: I am so happy it spoke to you.
Stan: I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies. Especially "The Bucket List." Whew, it got me. It got me.
Greg: Stan, I think you're mistaken.
Stan: [to Nelson Mandela] Aren't you Morgan Freeman?
Greg: This is Nelson Mandela. Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela?
Stan: I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames like Captain Morgan or Freckles.

Hayley: It's a little weird that this buffet has a VIP section, right?
Stan: You wanna hear something weird? The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.
Francine: Oh, you guys wanna hear something really weird? Zerp Znap Za-noodle!

Hayley: My mother stole my boyfriend!
Stanley: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Stan: [to Sexpun T'come] I'm going over to the Juice Bar. You wouldn't like it, it's not about reliving childhood trauma it's all positive and about Juice.

Reginald: [when he's not allowed on a ride at the amusement park] Oh, come on, man. You got to let me on. I'm trying to create a moment with this girl. I respect this bitch. I love this bitch.

Bah: [he's just farted in Stan's bathing suit] Uh-oh. Gambled and lost.

Stanley: You know what's so wrong about gayness? If there are two men, who has the vagina?
Jackson: Yeah, yeah - you need a vagina.
Jeff: Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.

Stan: You know, son, the great thing about First Love is that it's the first of many.
Steve: But how will I forget my feelings for Akiva?
Stan: Well you see son, as time goes by you'll find - Amy! Amy, why won't you love me! Bwah-ha-ha! I don't wanna live!

Roger: Roger's Spot wasn't always one of America's highest revenue generating casual dining experiences. It actually started out as a kind of place where you could trade your child support check for booze.

Stan: Ladies, ladies! You're both Mrs. Smith.
Francine: Stan, what the hell?
Stan: Surprise! I got us a second wife. You know, to help with cooking and cleaning. Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her "Thundercat."

Scott: [while on the phone] Yeah, don't worry, babe. This won't take long. I'm up against Michelle. Yeah, I know. Anyway, I'll see you at home. Ooh, I like it when you talk like that. When I get home, the things I am gonna do... you're not gonna fly right for a week.

Steve: Is it weird that I have a boner?
Stan: It'd be weird if you didn't!

Francine: [sees the Boss with a pitchfork when the elevator stops] Something tells me that big fork isn't for a giant salad!

Roger the Alien: [after stopping the show to receive an award for the 1000th vagina joke] Wow. I don't know what to say. Except I'd like to thank vaginas everywhere. They're creepy and I don't know what they're used for but they sure are funny!

Steve: [walking in a carnival with Roger] You spent all your money trying to win a hat with antlers?
Roger: [angrily] I do not choose to discuss it.
Fortune: [pointing at Steve] I see a very lucky boy.
Steve: Wow, really? Will you tell my fortune?
Roger: Steve, before she tells you your future, let me tell you her past: forty years of alcoholism and three doctorless abortions.
Fortune: You are a sad, angry little person.
Steve: That's uncanny!
Fortune: What would you like to know?
Steve: Uhm... I don't know. I guess just if there's anything special about me or...
Fortune: Yes! You are special. I - I see it!
Steve: Wow!
Roger: Steve, she's just repeating whatever you say.
Steve: You're just jealous because I'm special and you're not. You're boring and regular.
[walks off]
Roger: Uh! "Regular"? Oh, Steven... I'm going to hurt you so bad.
[to the fortune teller]
Roger: I got a question about the future: you see yourself taking a shower ever?

Stan: Your mom's enthusiastic spending is exactly what Jesus had in mind when he invented capitalism.

Stan: Roger I think I've figured out a way to get off the island. Is there such a thing as a Time Crab?

Reggie: They got me, y'all! Watch my boat!

Jeff: Does your family always have such messed-up Christmases?
Stan: Yeah, Jeff. And now you do, too.

Francine: Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk.
Hayley: Okay.
Francine: Your husband's "condition" is way out of control. Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
Hayley: But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
Francine: Well, then you got to do it better. Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinky.
Hayley: I'm using my pinky, Mom.
Francine: I don't think you're using your pinky.
Hayley: I told you I'm using it.
Francine: But are you really using your pinky? I don't think so!
[brings out a tub of lube]
Francine: Get. Up. In. There.

Stan: Oh, great. Now it's making a black tinkle out of the whoosie-whatter.

Roger: Ascent! You're flying now! I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby.
[laughs]
Roger: It's like the diaries of a madman!

Stan: Bill you ever pull it in the great big blue? Hey don't judge. Wipe that look off my face.

Francine: [while Francine fights with Stan, who is inside the avatar] I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now!
Stan: Get out of here, Francine. This is the only way I can remain close to Steve. We were finally spending quality time together and then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
Francine: No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
Stan: He's gonna die at 28?
Francine: Maybe. Maybe sooner.

Francine: [about Bullock] Stan, what is he doing here? And he's wearing HayIey's robe. God, I can see his junk.

Francine: I was finally making friends, Stan. How could you ruin my party?
Stan: It was easy. I just yelled "Terrorist!" and everyone ran away. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were asking, how did I ruin your party? And I'm like, you were there, baby. You had a front row seat.

Doctor: [following Mammogram] Your breasts are full of spiders!
Roger the Alien: That's how I like 'em!

Jewel: I had this boyfriend. He was in an avalanche. He survived three days on melted snow and his grandfather found him because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
Roger the Alien: Wow! You had a boyfriend?

Stan: [as he aims a shotgun at Hayley] Hayley, don't make me have to...
[Hayley takes the shotgun from him and aims it at him]
Stan: ... spare your life because you're a part of the family!

Stan: I'm so sick and tired of that job. I want to be my own boss. I want to make so much money that I can tell people they can kiss my firm white ass. That's the American dream.

Hayley: I just can't flunk out of Social Studies, I just can't!
Klaus: Why not? I think you'd make a great Pharmaceuticals sales rep...

Stan: I feel like Tara Reid on an average Tuesday!

Hayley: [to Stan about her swimsuit] Dad, I'm sweating like a pig in this thing. It's humiliating.
Stan: Not to me. And show some respect. Your grandmother drowned in that bathing suit.

Roger: [high] Why do you keep calling me Legs! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why we have a wheelchair, you Nazi walrus bastard!
Klaus: [As a hallucination] Steve, who's he talking to?
Roger: Shut up Garfield! Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!

Stan: [to Francine] So did you take the pregnancy test?
Francine: I did.
Stan: And? Am I going to be a father again?
Stan: Well, I didn't have a home pregnancy test, so I had to take one online. I'm waiting for the doctor to e-mail me back with the results.
Stan: How do you take a pregnancy test over the computer?
Francine: Well, per instruction, I first took several pictures of my genitals.
Stan: You what?
Francine: And then one of me peeing on a teddy bear and sent them to the doctor.
Stan: I-I don't think, uh, that that-that's that's real.
Francine: He's a legitimate doctor, Stan. See for yourself.
[shows Stan the website; the computer beeps]
Francine: That must be the result. Oh, God, here goes.
[reads her results]
Francine: Oh. Dr. Vadgers says my lab work requires more information. He needs to see my boobs popping out of a cheerleading outfit.
[Stan looks at her]
Francine: I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test going to tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful.

Hayley: I've... done things.

Avery: She's fat, she's loose, she's Asian. I hit the Trifecta!

Stan: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes and Steve's abusing the hose.
Francine: Oh, that's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
Stan: What?
Francine: You caught him playing with himself?
Stan: Damn it, woman! You always jump to that.

Hayley: [to Miles] You go to Georgetown? I'm a woman's studies major at Groff Community College.
Miles: I know Groff. That's the school my retarded cousin took classes at.