Top 700 Quotes From Archer
Ray: It's already cramped back there, what with that piss-reeking ocelot.
Lana: FBI? Literally, maybe five negro agents. Actually, probably less.
Trinette: Fewer.
Lana: Shut up.
[repeated line]
Dr. Sklodowska: ...so be it.
Cyril: OK, so human intelligence entails what exactly?
Sterling: Well, there's false flags, dead drops, drop outs, cut outs, active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles; the often underappreciated honeypot - one of my favorites.
Cyril: Wow, sounds like a lot to cover.
Sterling: Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... almost all of it.
Lana: Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abijean.
Malory: But the reward is a million dollars!
Lana: Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?
Malory: Well, who cares?
Lana: Seriously?
Sterling: Well, you can't give them the money; they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.
Lana: [Getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.
Sterling: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
Sterling: Did we lose some people?
Pam: Lana and Cyril bailed! Trifling bitches! Here! Unless you're a trifling bitch too!
[hands Archer a metal Thermos, he drinks]
Sterling: Oh! Agh! What did I just put inside me?
Pam: Green Russians! It's absinthe and...
[they notice a stripper]
Pam: milk. Sweet shitsnacks! Look at those!
[first lines]
Sterling: [driving a Mini] Because this is what was there, Lana.
Agent: Where? Outside a clown college?
Noah: If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat he has to step down, or just be dead.
Sterling: Since when?
Noah: Oh, since nineteen always!
Doctor: I'm talking about bionics. From the Greek for, like, "Kick Ass"!
Pam: Son of a shit-snacking whore.
Pam: You're kidding.
Sterling: No, I'm dead serious.
Pam: Yeah?
Sterling: I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.
Pam: On what grounds?
Sterling: He touched my penis with his penis!
Pam: Wow.
Sterling: Yeah. He just came up to me and was like, bwoop!
Pam: Where?
Sterling: All of it! Head and shaft.
Commander: I want to brief you all on what to expect when we dock with Horizon.
Lana: Uh, can we expect a pharmacy?
Sterling: Lana, it's not a strip mall. Although, I assume there's a bar.
Commander: A bar?
Sterling: Or whatever, cantina?
Sterling: No, I can't be alone.
[Lana groans]
Sterling: That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.
Torvald: You're breaking my arm!
Lana: Oh sorry. Did that hurt?
Torvald: Yes it hurt. What is wrong with you?
Malory: Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity to work with the UN.
Torvald: With hands like the Truckasaurus!
Lana: Hey!
Cyril: Gravlax, anyone?
Cyril: Who are these paramilitarios?
Sterling: Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law and order because the cops can't or won't...
Cyril: Well, that doesn't sound too bad.
Sterling: Or right-wing terrorists with a boner for kidnapping and murder.
Ray: That does.
Sterling: [regarding the small gun he has been tossed] A Baby Browning? This will be great if we have to bruise a sparrow.
Ruth: Oh, you poor thing. Does someone you love have breast cancer.
Sterling: Yeah. Me. Umm, name's Archer.
Sterling: Face it, Lana. Angry's basically your default setting.
Lana: Says who?
Sterling: Besides everybody?
Cyril: Well, not everybody.
Lana: Thank you!
Pam: Just the people who've actually met you.
Krieger: Ehhhh, possibly a few others.
Lana: Hey, assholes! I'm not, like, perpetually angry!
Sterling: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Really?
Lana: Yes, really!
Sterling: Scale of one to ten, Lana. How happy would you say you are, in general?
Lana: Oh, easily a six.
Sterling: A six? Then what's a seven? Yea! I've got tons of cancer!
Brett: [bleeding] Ahh. Ahh, so cold.
Ray: What? Brett, get off the phone!
Brett: You got it?
Sterling: Yes, hang up!
Sterling: What's with all the bottles? It's like a trailer park Easter.
Malory: Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins.
Cyril: You think her loins were stirring?
Malory: If not frothing.
Cheryl: I don't know, you see a line of suited men outside an office with blinds that go all the way down and you... start to hope.
[repeated line]
Barry: Hang on, other Barry!
Pam: That's 150 gallons... of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...
Sterling: Ohhhh, god!
Pam: Come at me, bro!
Lana: In case you've forgotten, I have an unborn child to think about.
Sterling: Jesus Christ, Lana, who can forget? It's baby this, baby that!
Lana: [pinching cheek] Aw, baby Awcher, who's a jeawous baby?
Sterling: What? Holy shit, do you have anemia?
Lana: No, I...
Sterling: Uh, edema, hypertension, pre-eclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?
Lana: I...
Sterling: GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?
Lana: Ahem. How do you know about the various possible complications of pregnancy?
Sterling: And I have another question, MOTHER...
Malory: [Archer is looking under Mascalzone's chair] No, Sterling, don't go back there!
Sterling: [looks] Why does this chair have no seat?
[looks again]
Sterling: And what... is in... his ass?
[Malory finishes her bourbon]
Malory: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
Sterling: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
Lana: Dogs... of war.
Sterling: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
[last lines]
Malory: Don't be shitty, can't we just enjoy the moment?
Sterling: [bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds] Yeah, how could we not?
Malory: [pause] Ass.
Cheryl: Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.
Dr. Krieger: You can with a little thing I like to call a deep-cycle marine battery. Or LSD.
Cheryl: Huh? Is that what you've been giving me?
Dr. Krieger: Yes?
Cyril: That explains a lot.
Cheryl: I just thought they were breath strips!
Sterling: Hey, you wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to God, Mr. Archer, I have HR on speed dial!
Sterling: Shut up.
Rona: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp. And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Lana: Wait, what?
Rona: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
Sterling: [listening in] While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit-covered tape? Frickin' actresses.
Sterling: This is my manservant, Jerkens.
Rip: Funny stuff.
Sterling: Not now, Jerkens.
Cyril: Laaanaaaaaa!
Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!
Sterling: Bet that's the first time you ever said that.
Ray: To reiterate! I am paralyzed!
Cyril: Well join a support group.
Malory: For who? Cripple, gay, hillbilly spies?
[Mallory and Lana are watching Archer from across the pool]
Malory: Ugh. Now damsel up and get over there. And remember, you have to pretend you don't have a history together.
[they watch the waiter bring Archer a drink; he sips it, then immediately spits it out and starts coughing]
Sterling: For the... sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
Lana: [sighs] I always do.
[she walks away]
Malory: Like a big brown giraffe.
Cheryl: Oooh, or an ostrich.
Malory: [sighs] Remind me why I let you idiots come.
Pam: For the free rooms? 'Cause the only thing you are more than mean is cheap?
Malory: Oh, shut up. And just because you own this place...
Cheryl: I think I just own the conglomerate that owns the holding company that owns the hotel chain that owns it.
Malory: Don't even think about screwing up our plan to cure Sterling's amnesia.
Cheryl: His what?
[across the pool, Archer is still yelling at the waiter]
Sterling: Five ingredients: tequila, Cointreau, lime juice, ice, kosher salt! Oh, and sorry about the Auschwitz crack, that's... that's not like me. I've been under a lot of stress lately.
Waiter: I'm not Jewish.
Sterling: Did I ask for your life story?
Cyril: Suppressing fire!
Noah: He just kinda keeled over.
Lana: Probably from your bucket stainch.
Pam: Hoof beats?
Cyril: In the middle of winter?
Sterling: Are we even in the right hemisphere?
Cheryl: Duh! They're in St. Moritz for White Turf. Uh - it's so hard to talk to poor people.
Pam: I think these uniforms are awesome! Here, let me get some pics of you!
Lana: To masturbate to?
Pam: [laughs] Pfff, please...... ..Please?
Doctor: Oh I'm just busy disseminating the patient.
Cheryl: EW!
Pam: Not what it means.
Lana: Still pretty gross though.
Ray: Lana? Hey, girl, are you there?
Agent: [On a video link] Yeah, I'm... Hey, can you see me?
Ray: I see your knock-off Fiacci drawers.
Agent: Ha, ha. You are such a bitch.
Agent: We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.
Sterling: Uhhh, any way we can bump that to five? I, I seriously need a shower.
Agent: Archer!
Sterling: Okay, God! Climb down off that rag.
Sterling: Hey! What'd I tell you, huh? Huh?
[Archer slaps man attempting to light cigarette]
Man: Ow!
[Archer grabs the man and shoves several bills of money in his mouth]
Sterling: There! Go buy a nicotine patch!
Pam: Awwww, c'mon! Clock your skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some dranks!
Pam: You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
Sterling: [In hansom cab, holding up Thermos bottle] Excuse me, whose ass do I have to kiss to get more hot cocoa back here?
[Horse whinnies]
Sterling: What are we going to do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine?
Malory: Well...
Lana: Oh, come on!
Sterling: What, Lana? We must be talking...
Cyril: Wholesale? Fifty, sixty million.
Lana: Wholesale? What, we form a cartel?
Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean...
Lana: Don't.
Malory: ...if Mexicans can do it...
Cheryl: Sploosh!
Sterling: Relax, Lana, Cyril is going to be fine.
[Hears a large jungle cat roar]
Sterling: Unless a tiger ate him.
Lana: Tigers don't live in South America.
Sterling: Well, at least one does, because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
Lana: That was a jaguar, dumbass.
Sterling: Thanks, Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!
Kintaru: At least give me the gun.
Sterling: [primes the weapon] I'll give you the bullets!
Kintaru: You'd rather we both die?
Sterling: I'm honestly kind of on the fence!
Malory: [On the phone] What? Yes, I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh, is that a fact? Oh, it is!
[Hangs up]
Sterling: So, how did that go?
Malory: Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me how ISIS won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.
Lana: What are you talking about?
Malory: Because apparently there's no proof that we did.
Lana: [Angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!
Malory: And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt?
Sterling: No... oh, shit.
Malory: Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at ISIS.
Pam: [Running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.
Malory: What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...
Doctor: [Following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh, for the love of god! Seal the exits!
Malory: Professional...
Cheryl: [Sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.
Malory: ...Excellence...
Sterling: Oh, speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.
Sterling: You want ants? Cuz this is how we get ants.
Sterling: [after Trinette takes his wallet, watch, and car] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I - Oh shit, my rug!
Sterling: [Lana and Archer are trapped in a high-rise hotel bathroom with Koreans shooting up the door on the other side, and Lana is trying to break the window with a toilet lid] Uhh, a couple things: one, we've got about a couple seconds before the door is matchsticks. Two, you're never going to break that win...
Lana: [Shatters the window] What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness!
Sterling: [Gestures to the thirty-storey drop to the ground] It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is 'Now what, idiot? Because I forgot my jetpack in my other pants!'
Sterling: No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.
Lana: The African Queen was the boat.
Sterling: No it wasn't. It was Audrey...
Lana: Katherine.
Sterling: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
Lana: ...of Africa?
Sterling: Yeah.
Lana: The white Queen of Africa?
Sterling: Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.
Lana: Archer...
Sterling: I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.
Sterling: Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins 'cause you're in the danger zone. From Top Gun!
Lana: I'm not tossing the fricking pope!
Lana: Because, you jackass, to recap: you locked us in the stupid limo!
Sterling: Well, I still don't see why that means I'm the one that has to carry Pyle.
Conway: Well, then slice out his retinas, okay?
Sterling: I can't. It would kill Lou-Ann.
[first lines]
Malory: Oh! Oh! I cannot believe you! Are you out of your big, fat Russian skull? Of all the dumb stunts you - Nikolai, how could you do this?
Doctor: [Kreiger's van screeches to a halt outside Archer's apartment] And here we are!
Malory: I swear, if anyone sees me in this awful van...
Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is, like, rolling probable cause.
Malory: So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray: Toot toot.
[last lines]
Cheryl: Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.
Agent: [laughs then stops abruptly] Um, sorry.
Dr. Sklodowska: Mission Control, this is Nereus. We are ready for miniaturization. Over?
Pam: Speak for yourself! Holy shrink-snacks!
Cheryl: Yeah, this is kinda terrifying.
Pam: So why are you messing around with this crazy shrink ray? It's not like you need a million bucks.
Cheryl: Wh- Are you kidding? It's not about the money. Pam, we are going on a voyage of medical discovery unparalleled in not only the history of mankind, but also, perhaps, its future. Hippocrates, Galen, Percival, Sharp. For thousands of years, physicians have dreamed of having the power to see what we've been given the chance to through this truly awe-inspiring process of miniaturization, which, I think you'll agree, is the very embodiment of Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law, which states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," or, if you like, a miracle.
Pam: I...
Cheryl: Plus, I'm going to use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Pam: Why?
Cheryl: Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah, aah!"
[Cheryl gives an evil laugh as she walks away]
Pam: Well, maybe she'll die.
Bucky: Hello. Give me Sterling Archer mother.
Cheryl: Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y.
Cheryl: Let me guess - you got all butt hurt because Lana hired an actor to shoot you so you wouldn't endanger the baby. So you went to Vegas and went on a bender and now you're broke and need me to bail you out so you can fly home.
Sterling: Let me tell you everything that you got wrong. Sending the money would be great except that I'm on the no fly list.
Pam: How did you get on the no fly list?
Sterling: Shut up Pam!
[flashback - Archer is on a plane pounding on the cockpit door with an empty Mai Tai and fighting off airline personnel]
Sterling: I wanna fly the plane!
Cheryl: So you need me to send you money for a train ticket?
Sterling: Well that would be great except I'm also on the no train list.
Cheryl: I didn't know there was a no train list.
Sterling: Neither did I.
[flashback - repeat of the plane incident, except on a train]
Sterling: I wanna fly the train!
Fat: So, see, in Middle Earth...
Conway: Shh! Shh, shh, shhh. Come on, buddy.
Malory: Well, now, this is just a disaster!
Brett: Yeah, ya think?
Malory: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Sterling: [laughing] He got shot again.
Malory: Cyril was insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.
Lana: Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Malory: If it came up. And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?
Sterling: Looking your way, Brett.
Brett: Hello?
Sterling: Was that so hard?
Brett: Yes? Yeah, one sec. Kidnappers!
Lana: Okay, keep them on the line.
Sterling: I'm lead negotiator!
Lana: No, you're not!
Sterling: I basically just lurch from one fireable offense to the next.
Cheryl: Ugh! Like the infamous luau incident?
Sterling: Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?
Cheryl: Once would be nice!
Sterling: Um, no.
Lana: I want to talk about the fact that we're standing in a cranberry bog of blood.
Pam: I don't even know who peed on your sofa.
Conway: I've tracked him to South Beach, where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban naval intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked off Miami Beach.
Malory: Ugh! Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.
Rona: You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.
Lana: Or my twin Tec-9's.
Rona: Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.
Pam: And I for one am fed up with it!
Cheryl: Yeah, fed full of muffins and denial!
Sterling: Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you; I honestly don't know what got into me, and when this is over, you can punish me however you see fit.
Cheryl: It's "howmever".
Sterling: Shut up! But this calls for some serious swashbuckling and no one else can buckle swashes like me.
Malory: Will you shut up? I need to think.
Pam: [bringing her a drink] Don't yell at me, I didn't lose her. Now just try to retrace your steps.
[tearing noise]
Malory: Well, I wasn't in the sofa cushions.
Cheryl: [holding a knife and slashed cushion] Agh! Well, you could have said that.
Malory: I did.
Cheryl: [screaming] I thought you were being sarcastic!
Pam: It is kinda hard to tell with you.
Lana: [on the phone to Archer] You're such a prick.
Charles: You are entirely too gay! You, like... *sneeze* glitter!
Pam: They are the stuff-throwinest family.
Lana: You know, the whole monster hands thing. Starting to border on mean.
Cheryl: Oh, you gonna go run and cry to Miss Archer like when Cyril cheated on you?
Lana: Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
Cheryl: Guess what? She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with!
Lana: And what is that supposed to mean?
Cheryl: Figure it out, Truckasaurus!
Lloyd: Here. Both of you. Get your fat mouths around some hot, crispy toast.
Dafydd: TOOOAST!
Lloyd: Damn it, Daffyd! Come and have some toast!
Pam: We gonna make some cooch chili, or what?
Malory: He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him, I called in someone who can. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
Rip: Manhunter. Now if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.
Sterling: Forget about Krause, there's your bomber. That guy, Beardsley McTurban-head.
Malory: You idiot. That's Sandhu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a Sikh.
Sterling: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim, he just gets a pass? Well that's called profiling Mother, and I don't do it.
Capt. Lammers: Mr. Singh is a Excelsior's majority shareholder.
Sterling: So.
Capt. Lammers: If anything went wrong with this flight, he'd lose millions.
Sterling: It's the perfect cover.
Anka: I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.
Sterling: What is it? The Alabama of Europe?
Lana: Ah, and, um, you remember Archer?
Lemuel: [Reaching to shake Archer's hand] Yesss, of course. We've got the mashed potatoes just how you like 'em - 98.6.
Malory: Oh, for... Sterling, Lana, go through the old ISIS files and find an arms dealer; Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here
[stares at Pam and her coke-covered face]
Malory: gobbles it all up; and Ron, take me to lunch.
Ron: It's 8:30 in the morning.
Malory: A bar, then; whatever. Ooh, or maybe a jazz club. We can smoke refers with these Negroes you're suddenly so nuts about.
Ron: It was 1940.
[last lines]
Sterling: You have a sister?
Lana: [groans] Yes, Archer, I have a sister.
[pause]
Sterling: She younger?
[pause, then Lana pushes the head wrap that she's been holding against Archer's wounds against him harder]
[first lines]
Krenshaw: Sterling Archer. Code name Duchess. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy.
Sterling: Well, then I should definitely get my turtleneck.
Sterling: And speaking of lame, my code name...
Malory: Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
Sterling: Random? It was your dog's name.
Malory: Ohh, Dutchess.
[Looks longingly at picture of her and the dog]
Malory: I loved her so much.
Sterling: That it was creepy and pathetic?
Malory: And if you were half as smart as she was...
Sterling: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
Malory: [Gasps] Exercise terminated!
Sterling: All right; that's lunch then.
Pam: Okay, so Cyril got in over his head.
Malory: Jesus. God, did he kill her?
Pam: No, no, no. He ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and long story short, I kinda had to drown her in the tub.
Malory: So you killed her?
Pam: Apparently not, so good news.
Sterling: Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his, but somebody's!
Lana: Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker?
Cheryl: Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks, and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria.
Agent: You were supposed to find the decoy earlier to create the diversion, but you were too incompetent to do even that, amateurs!
Sterling: And that is our strength, you waffle-faced... wait, you're actually still Belgian, right?
Agent: Yes! But I was raised in the states.
Sterling: You lambic-gargling, Limberger dick cheese...
Bartender: Those are silly stereotypes.
Sterling: So are you guys Flemish or Walloon? That would help my specificity.
Sterling: Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.
Cyril: Ha ha, yeah, we're the idiots says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.
Sterling: [sniffs shell casing] Yeah, that's our Lana. Let's see, so judging from the shell ejection, she was firing at, what I really hope was not an Ent... because that is the last thing we need - an Entmoot. Oh, my god, what if I'm gay for Tolkien?
Pam: Dude, that is a hard dick.
Sterling: It's not that hard.
Pam: Oh, please. I bet it hasn't been that hard since the time the Army checked you for a hernia.
Sterling: I told you that in confidence!
Pam: Yeah, well, I ain't your priest. Ha, ha, ha... speaking of hard dicks.
Sterling: [Inhales sharply] I also told you *that* in confidence.
Pam: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
[Krieger runs a Geiger counter over a glowing green pig, its readings are off the scale]
Doctor: Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing...
[Rruns the Geiger counter over his own crotch, getting the same result]
Doctor: And probably a few other things...
Pam: These nutsacks want to take us to Mars to be baby factories.
Malory: I just can't even imagine life without my precious Sterling.
Ray: And have you ever told him that?
Malory: Are you kidding? No!
Ray: Wow, really? 'Cause my momma told me how much she loved me all the time.
Malory: Exactly. Look how you turned out.
Ray: Uhh, with high self-esteem?
Pam: And that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time, nipple towwwwwwn!
Cyril: Oh, my God, I must have embezz-arassed myself last night, huh?
Pam: Don't talk like black people. And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
Rip: I tracked him down.
Malory: See!
Lana: How?
Rip: Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering.
Sterling: But speaking of your body and my body, and stiffness...
Cyril: [to Lana] You're no longer on Malory's teat.
Sterling: Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?
Slater: [laughing] Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...
[Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off]
Sterling: Seriously, okay, as I was saying...
Lana: [yelling] God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowjob!
Sterling: Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...
Lana: I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.
Sterling: When then?
Sterling: [coughs] Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?
Lana: [sighs] Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.
Cyril: Oh, hey, Archer. Come to think of it, where were you last night?
Sterling: Ask your wife.
Pam: Aww, you know his wife left him... for you, Archer. You screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout. So then she thought the two of you would get married and live happily ever after, but then, you were like whaaaat?
[Archer looking dumbfounded]
Pam: Exactly, that face right there.
Sterling: I...
[turns and walks away]
Sterling: ... Oh.
Cyril: How did that help?
Pam: Mmmm... humanizes you?
Pam: I'm a desirable, full-bodied woman, but nobody will have sex with me! And I have so much love to give!
Overweight: You got any idea how much I've got on my plate?
Sterling: Huh, huh.
Overweight: ** sigh ** You know...
Sterling: What? I could have crushed that.
Sterling: Sorry, I can't stay for dinner. I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
Lana: And what are you doing in the window?
Conway: [a la Chuck D] Base!
Conway: [normal voice] Jumping.
[laughs]
Conway: This is a parachute.
Malory: Don't shoot! Please! I just killed a man and I think my water just broke, so, I could really, really use a drink.
Sterling: So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.
Cheryl: Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? Snark victory.
Sterling: I mean, if this goes tits up...
[Archer stares at Lana's jiggling cleavage while she fires an AK-47 on full automatic]
Lana: Now? Really?
Sterling: Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect".
Lana: Discount? Hello? This is Fiacci!
Sterling: Uh, I think it's pronounced "knock-off".
Ray: Cyril, you need any last-minute pointers?
Sterling: [laughing] From you?
Ray: The quarry may change, but never the hunt!
Cyril: Hmm, let's see. Oh, here's one. Uh, when do I start negging her?
Sterling: [laughing] Negging? Jesus Christ. What grade are you in? Why don't you try putting some Spanish fly in her brass monkey?
Cyril: Heh-heh, I think you mix it with mole's blood.
Sterling: What are you - where the hell would you get mole's blood?
Doctor: [eagerly] Why? You need some?
Sterling: I need YOU to get your big, bushy, Bob Rossian head out of your ass, 'cause we've got a bet to win!
[he looks at his drink]
Sterling: And also, Giuseppe, I'm pretty sure this IS actually germicide, so...
Ray: What?
Cyril: Damn it, Archer!
Sterling: Yeah, that's... not great. Although, silver lining, bet I could eat a whole big bowl of germs right now.
[he belches loudly]
Sterling: Okay, let's go seduce this broad!
Doctor: [Clone 3] Well, the important thing is that you're with us now.
Doctor: [Clone 2] Especially since your friends...
Doctor: "Friends" - please! Can you believe those jerks? After all these years, kicking me to the curb like... like...
Doctor: [Clone 1] A child!
Doctor: [Clone 2] A frog!
Doctor: [Clone 3] Frog-child!
Doctor: [Loud croaking from aquarium]
[All]
Doctor: No!
Doctor: Is... is that what I think it is?
Doctor: [All 3 clones] No!
Doctor: Well, let me finish, because I think it's some kind of unholy adolescent human amphibian hybrid creature.
Doctor: [Clone 3] Oh... then, yes.
Doctor: [Wiping tear from eye] I'm home. I'm finally home.
Doctor: [Clone 1] Just in time for our moment of triumph.
Doctor: Well, if there's one thing I love, it's triumph. What is it?
Doctor: [Clone 3] All will be revealed... in time.
Doctor: And if there's one thing I love more than triumph, it's annoying vagueness.
Slater: If you think the Middle East is messed up now, just wait until nobody needs their oil.
Pam: [to Archer] Nice one, Father Guido Sardouchebag!
Barry: So don't try do anything stupid.
Sterling: I don't have to try. Shit. Whatever. Move.
Sterling: Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber egg plant.
[headed to Korea]
Lana: The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!
Sterling: Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.
Agent: [Sarcastically] OK, yes, I'm jealous.
Sterling: First step's admitting it.
Agent: Jealous that ODIN's going to beat us again...
Sterling: ODIN?
Agent: ...thanks to your epic poon-houndery!
Bucky: You will never make it to the helicopter. My men will cut you down like dogs.
Sterling: Thanks, human shield.
Sterling: Mother, look out! Krenshaw is a mole.
Malory: Oh Pam's just full of crap as she is carbohydrates. Now...
Krenshaw: [holds gun to Malory's head] Not this time you impossible bitch!
[pause]
Krenshaw: Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
[first lines]
Lord: Malory Archer, you get more beautiful every time I see you.
Sterling: Oh, my God! You have to try this! Hot cocoa, dark crème de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a Peppermint Patty.
Pam: [Covering Malory with a blanket] Aw, look. She's almost not terrifying.
Lana: [sighs] Thanks, you guys. I think the spa day took her mind off Archer being missing... even if it almost got weird.
Cheryl: She made it weird.
Lana: No, you did. Nobody wants an enema.
Cheryl: Some people...
Lana: Not with yogurt.
Rona: Oh, my God, this is gonna be amazing!
Sterling: [being choked by a laughing Conway Stern] How do you still have two hands?
[Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics]
Sterling: You cyborg son-of-a-bitch.
[Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops]
Lana: You're out... of sugar.
[Conway groans]
Sterling: [hoarsely] Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.
Lana: So just bourbon.
Sterling: But I doubt if the...
Conway: Aah.
Sterling: [normal voice] Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...
Conway: Puke Skywalker? Mm.
Sterling: God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.
Sterling: [under torture] I swear, I'm just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast who... shit! Why am I speaking English, with an American accent?
Sterling: [Beeping horn while sitting in his 2-seat car that is on top of a flatbed truck] Let's go, you dumb idiots! Well, one of you anyway; the rest of you, maybe car pool. Luigi won't let anybody ride in the cab. I mean, unless you're down for road head.
Pam: [Raising hand] Shotgun!
Rona: But you're a man.
Sterling: And then some.
Sterling: I gotta go stop him.
Lana: Stop who?
Sterling: WHOM!
Lana: Archer!
Sterling: Kreiger! He's making a gay terminator!
Lana: Aaannnd, yep. Officially confused.
Cyril: Yeah, I mean, did he mean a Terminator of gays? Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic, I don't think, so he must have meant... well, no, aren't Terminators asexual?
Cheryl: But it mutated and now we're on the verge of World War II.
Pam: Three.
Cheryl: It's not a competition, Pam!
Pam: Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator, that's a bond of trust. Okay? And if you violate that trust, or the food.
Sterling: There's my favorite section head!
Pam: I am dealing with the break room problem!
Sterling: Oh, good, you caught the, um... oh wait, I had something for this. Pita predator!
Pam: You know what?
Sterling: Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.
Pam: Not a pretty name, is it?
Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Sterling: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid of any Apex Predator that lived through the KT Extinction.
Cyril: The...?
Sterling: Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of cold-blooded fury with the bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...
Cyril: Screw you, Archer!
Sterling: Hey! Hostile work environment!
Malory: [to Lana] But let me just tell you, okay? You should be thankful you have Cyril.
Cheryl: [to Pam, softly] For about twelve reasons.
Sterling: [Caressing his new Dodge Challenger] Ohhh, I can feel it. I can feel your power. What's that? You want me inside you?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: You know my name?
Malory: STERLING!
[last lines]
Sterling: Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y -
[starts laughing uncontrollably]
Sterling: .
Ramon: And what is so funny about that?
Sterling: [still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - scared and alone!
[laughs]
Sterling: And possibly dehydrated!
Sterling: [as Trinette speeds away in his Charger] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I... oh, shit - my rug!
Ray: E.Z., don't shoot; I'm coming out.
Sterling: [laughing] Phrasing.
Sterling: Woodhouse, what are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.
Sterling: What, at the table?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: Like people?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: What? Look, he thinks he's people!
Malory: Watlz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, waiving a cleaver, and reeking of what I hope to God is meat, and that's all you have to say?
Pam: We're a go on operation. Ooh, what should we call it?
Cheryl: Dick Sledge!
Ray: You wanna?
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl: It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked then I'd have an in. So one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what kind of music he was into or turtles or roll around in his clothes or whatever.
Pam: But you were so busy sniffing his jock you didn't hear him come in?
Cheryl: Because he totally snuck up on me! I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: What? Why did you have a knife?
Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors. And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed.
Pam: Holy shit snacks.
Cheryl: Yeah, they said he could have gone pro.
Hijacker: Shut up! Why would I listen to a captive?
Sterling: Well, you're kind of at the point of no return here. Pretty soon you'll have to start shooting people, and I don't think you want that... other than maybe that guy.
Hijacker: [Pointing gun at passenger eating] Oh, yeah! Well every fish you eat is loaded with plastic micro-beads from face soap.
Sterling: Kinda getting the last scene of Scarface vibe from this guy, but with gluten-free cocaine.
Hijacker: OK, what's your suggestion.
Sterling: Well, any time you need to make an example out of someone, maybe knock this guy
[Looks at Cyril, whose folding paper swans on his tray table]
Sterling: around a little bit.
Hijacker: I don't know. It feels like clubbing a baby seal. I'd hateto hit him if he doesn't deserve it.
Sterling: That's the point. If he gets hit, it could happen to anyone else. And let me tell you a secret - he's secretly a masochist; gets a lot of pleasure from being beaten up. He loves it; can't get enough of it. You'd be doing this guy a favor.
Hijacker: All right, that's a load of my mind.
Sterling: And off mine too.
Sterling: Say what you will about the Swiss, but they hate the shit out of horses.
Sterling: God, Cyril, would you go?
Cyril: I should be carrying her.
Sterling: Cyril, I paid her. I get to carry her corpse.
Pam: What's the poem going to be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
Agent: [over building intercom] Um, attention. Hi, this is Agent Kane, and if you want to have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk, please line up and take a number.
Pam: [a group of guys show up immediately, Pam pushes to the front] You heard the lady. Take a number!
[holds up #1 card]
Sterling: [to Kazak, the dog, as villains are firing weapons at them] See, that's why I said "scrooch down."
[shouting out car window]
Sterling: Lana, scooch down!
Lana: No, no, no. Archer, don't!
[Archer fires a burst of rounds]
Lana: Are you out of your mind?
Lana: No, although I am out of ammo.
[Turns and talks to Kazak]
Lana: OK, buddy, so here's the deal: A. Scrooch down, and B. Normally in this situation I do a pit maneuver, but if I do, this truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case is she's a paraplegic, and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags, I start to resent her, and the night nurse is, like Brazilian, and 20.
[Kazak growls]
Lana: Don't judge me; I have needs, man. The point is, and it might be a shitty plan, but I'm gonna jump on the truck, and I need you to take the wheel and
[Kazak woofs]
Lana: exactly, so... Kazak?
[Kazak leaps into the other truck bed and attacks the villains holding Lana]
Rip: I'm setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.
Sterling: A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?
Sterling: A secret agent! That's what I am! And I shouldn't even be saying that. But you have a certain... thickness about you that I find... appealing.
Suicide: [disguised as woman] Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing.
Sterling: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
Sterling: Eat a dick, gravity.
Cyril: Where'd you get the steak?
Conway: Cristal. Yet another offering of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood.
Cyril: Yeah, she's kinda weird that way.
Conway: Yeah, she's kinda weird a bunch of ways.
Sterling: Uhh, yeah, crazy rich. She invented the splashless urinal cake.
Woodhouse: Oh, I'll just yank his pants off, splash a lot of scotch and women's underthings about, and then tell him he slipped and fell chasing a terrified Asian prostitute out onto the patio. It's not the first time I've bashed his head in and had to cover my tracks. Happens three, four times a year.
Woodhouse: Ants! All over my body.
[Ray slaps Woodhouse]
Ray: So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some "Malcolm X" tea!
[Ray slaps Woodhouse again]
Malory: Oh, don't stand here gaping at me. Go... thwart something!
Pam: Oh, come on, haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
Ray: No. Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks For Hands?
[long pause]
Ray: A booby trap blew his arms off.
[last lines]
Sterling: And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.
Malory: What? You knew about this?
Sterling: Yeah, I was on the planning committee. I'm not a huge fan of change.
Sterling: [steps out, laughs] Except for you, Milton!
[Archer's laugh fades into the distance as Milton rolls into Malory's office, stops in front of her, then ejects 6 slices of toast. She glares]
Sterling: Why would you throw away a perfectly good gun?
Malory: Because it touched your... junk.
Sterling: How dirty do you think my junk is?
Malory: As dirty as if it were made of dirt, and then got dropped in some different dirt, and then Pigpen came along and kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
Sterling: Fair enough.
Malory: Oh, that reminds me - Pam! At 9:00 AM Friday all Isis employees are required to take a drug test.
Pam: [Pam is smoking a joint, begins coughing] Crack whore!
Malory: And knock off that damn beat boxing!
Pam: [sighs]
Malory: Last week it was free styling.
Lana: Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!
Sterling: Oh, so now it's OK? What happened to your fragile ecosystem?
Lana: Screw the damn ecosystem! Shoot!
Sterling: You are such a hypocrite! I'll bet you probably eat veal.
Sterling: [Lana and Archer still in bed] Oh, God. I just ejaculated dust. I'm pretty sure it was my own pulverized skeleton. One more go?
Krieger: [Suddenly appearing in the bedroom] So, hey guys.
Lana: I would act startled, but it would probably kill me.
Krieger: Turns out those eggs are highly addictive and make you act out your deepest desires.
Sterling: Yeah, that's kinda where we came out on it. So, if you'll excuse us...
Malory: Woodhouse, dear.
Woodhouse: Yes, mum.
Malory: I assume you're holding.
Woodhouse: Holding? Why just this tray of...
Malory: Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend!
[repeated line]
Pam: Holy shitsnacks!
Ray: [to Pam] If you were any more on the prowl, there'd be an APB out on your cooch.
Rip: Look, Lana, don't get me wrong. I like your spunk.
Sterling: Phrasing.
Sterling: And there's so much I still wanna do!
Malory: Oh, now you're gonna be fine.
Sterling: Like I've never been to Rome.
Malory: What? Yes you have.
Sterling: For work, mother!
Malory: Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you, look at me, you are going to beat cancer.
Sterling: But what if I don't?
Lana: So, how's this going?
Malory: Not great.
Sterling: Lana, what if I don't?
Lana: Um.
Malory: Can you take him home?
Lana: Can you not?
Malory: No. If I don't get something to eat I'm going to literally die.
Malory: So help me God, Sterling. Sometimes I think I've failed as a mother.
Sterling: Sometimes?
Malory: Oh, shut up!
Malory: Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? My god, a black
[pause]
Malory: ops field agent.
Pam: Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
Malory: You just listen to me, buster.
Bucky: Bucky.
Sterling: Who are you? Wait. Hang on.
Conway: Horatio Kane.
Sterling: God damn it.
Conway: But, Kane, obviously, spelled with a...
Sterling: I got it!
Pam: [to Cheryl] If your brain were a drug, I'd snort the shit out of it.
Lana: WHAT?
Sterling: Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.
Doctor: And now a sad moon is on the rise.
Korean: Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Sterling: Oh, then, do go ahead and shoot us.
Lana: Archer.
Sterling: What, Lana? It's none of those things. It's not democratic, not a republic, and definitely not glorious. Jesus, watch "Frontline" once in your life.
Noah: Oh, my God. Just screw already!
Bucky: Seriously.
Rip: Then kill each other, and then shut up. And then kill each other again. And call me, so I can watch you do it.
Cheryl: Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug or 2, you get inside me.
Cyril: Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
Cheryl: I don't think that's how blimps work.
Cyril: Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid naturally safe helium.
Cheryl: But I am liking the jamming imagery. And the killing!
Cyril: And are you just gonna sit there?
Pam: Yeah, until she tags me in!
Cyril: What?
Pam: I'm kidding. My back's all messed up.
Lana: And right next door is that?
Cheryl: Yes...
Lana: 'gasp' That's the Roosevelt mansion!
Cheryl: Total shitbox. They're weird.
Agent: Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!
Sterling: [after explosions or gunfire] Meep, meep.
[last lines]
Agent: OK, then, what did you want to talk about?
Cyril: Um, well, uh, a lot of stuff really.
[There is a loud explosion]
Cyril: Starting with the fact that we just bombed Ireland.
Agent: Um, pretty sure that's Wales.
Lana: Why didn't you tell us you were bleeding like a Russian Princess?
Sterling: Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface. That makes me...
Lana: Hannibal Montana?
[Riley wakes up aboard the seaplane, handcuffed and with a black eye, to find Archer mixing a drink]
Rip: Ehhhh... what the - what the holy - what in holy hell are you doin'?
Sterling: Well, it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so I, uh...
Rip: Jesus Christ. How long was I out?
Sterling: It's hard to say. After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so...
Rip: Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...
Sterling: I thought you put it on autopilot!
Rip: It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find THE ONLY AIRSTRIP WITHIN A THOUSAND MILES SO IT CAN LAND ITSELF WHEN IT NEEDS GAS!
Sterling: Then I, uh... misunderstood the concept.
Rip: Uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS.
Rip: ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait a minute, is this a ruse?
[One of the plane's engines sputters and shorts out]
Sterling: Because if it is... pretty elaborate.
Sterling: I'm sorry, I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter about how to introduce your mother to a hooker!
Sterling: ...in the break room. Alone. Like a pervert. Wallowing in a miasma of microwave fish curry and its subsequent farts.
Sterling: Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.
Lana: Did you say man-crush?
Sterling: No. I'm pretty sure it was "shut up".
Sterling: Yeah, and what do you even do here? Sit on your ass and analyze data? Well I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life, so, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage. Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet. Stupid thing's electric.
Malory: Because that's...
Lana: Silvio Mascalzone, the prime minister of Italy?
Sterling: Prime minister? I thought Italy used a king.
Lana: What? No, they don't "use" a king!
Malory: [sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!
Cyril: Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did!
Lana: And is this... is this Brett's blood?
Cheryl: Ugh, no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains. Some of which actually were fudge!
Pam: And some of which merely resembled it.
[Malory sobs anew]
Ray: But *why* would you *do* this?
[Cheryl snickers and holds her arms down and forward toward Malory, as if saying, "Obviously, for this!"]
Sterling: Come on, get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.
Pam: Really?
Sterling: No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me.
Pam: Dick.
Sterling: Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?
Lana: Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.
Sterling: Arrested?
Sterling: [while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...
Agent: [She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.
Sterling: Oh, is that what you want?
Agent: Yup...
Sterling: Because that's how you get ants.
Agent: [sarcastically] Yay!
Sterling: Who's Dicky?
Woodhouse: My brother.
Sterling: What?
Woodhouse: He's younger.
Sterling: Obviously.
Sterling: [Exiting lavatory as Flight Attendant adjusts her clothes] Hey, I gotta tell you, that's the first time that line worked for me, and I've tried it a bunch.
Eryn: By the way, I'm a flight attendant, not a stewardess.
Sterling: Definitely the priority right now. Okay, flight attendant, can you show me the way to the second floor?
[Eryn opens the door to the service dumbwaiter]
Sterling: Wow! You sure know your way around a shaft. Wait, no, I'm sorry. That was coarse; I apologize.
Eryn: [Peering into the dumbwaiter] Hmmm. Looks like a tight fit.
Sterling: Dammit! That one's better.
Ray: Should you be smoking in here?
Lance: Should you be flaming in here?
Sterling: Let's talk this out.
Agent: Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? Or, ooooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick.
Sterling: Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
Agent: Ya think?
Sterling: Yeah. He's not coming back. That chick was like, the Pelé of anal.
Sterling: [after sword fight] Wow! Aleister, you're hired.
Aleister: Thank you, sir. You would have had me if not for the leg. I can suggest some rehabilitation exercises.
Sterling: [Looks lovingly at Aleister] I'd... I'd like that.
Pam: Should we leave?
Cheryl: I'm staying.
Malory: Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping during the birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.
Ray: Ach. Gstaad.
Lana: Gstaad? Oh, yeah! Count me in.
Sterling: Yeah, and me out. I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.
[a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]
Sterling: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.
Cheryl: Please, if you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will, because you're just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her death bed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.
Lana: [Upset] Excuse me.
Pam: Daaaaaamn!
Cheryl: What?... Oh my god, was I talking?
Commander: No! We can't jeopardize the women.
Lana: Cough?
Malory: Well, not you.
Rona: Omigod, strong and sexy...
Sterling: Gotta get by.
Rona: ...amazinnnnnnggggg!
Sterling: Will you shut up?
Malory: How can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?
[Malory takes a drink from a highball glass]
Mallory: To bumble or not is up to you... , but whoever finds it, gets to keep it.
Sterling: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Sterling: I can be both.
Lana: I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.
Malory: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
Lana: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsel-y?
Malory: Pam.
Sterling: Fuck you, space!
[repeated line]
Cheryl: [shouts] You're not my supervisor!
Lana: If anything goes wrong, I'm holding YOU responsible.
Sterling: Yeah, that'll teach me.
Katya: Where will we go? If ISIS thinks you are double agent, we can't stay here, and if we go back to Russia...
Sterling: Russia! Look, no offence, but standing in line for beets and toilet paper isn't my idea of a good time.
Sterling: On the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something. It's like, Meowschwitz in there.
[the seaplane's second engine dies]
Rip: Damn it, there goes number two!
Sterling: But it can land on water, right? I mean, isn't that the whole point?
Rip: It's a kinda different story when we're droppin' like a ton of bricks!
Sterling: Oh.
Rip: Goddamn, I can barely hold her level!
Sterling: You want me to help steer, or...
Rip: [Furious] Haven't you done enough already?
Sterling: How is this suddenly my fault?
[Rip gives him a hard look]
Rip: Okay, this is it! Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Lookin' good, girl!
[the plane levels out just above the ocean surface]
Rip: I think we're gonna be okay!
Sterling: Wait! You didn't put the wheels down!
Rip: The what? No, no, what are you d -
[Archer jabs a button; the landing gear drops and skims the water]
Rip: NOOOOO!
[the plane crashes]
Lemuel: Lana, this is all just crazy. Why does he have a gun? And why is he driving? I should be driving.
Lana: No, daddy. Archer should drive. He's actually pretty great at it.
Sterling: Eeep... eeep... eeep.
[Looks at Lana]
Lana: [Turns her head away] When he's not ejaculating.
Lemuel: Not in my Mustang, you don't... . But seriously, what's wrong with him?
Pam: What are you doing? From the left, dear. One serves from the left.
Cheryl: Whatever has gotten into you, Calpernia?
Lana: My mistake, ma'am.
Sterling: Well, I should say it is, Calpernia! Mother, your maid is...
[pause]
Sterling: Oh, hello!
Ray: I'll clean him up, try to get some coffee in him.
Malory: Make sure that's all you put in him!
Sterling: Why are you sitting? At my table?
Woodhouse: The paper sir. There's an item.
Sterling: Oh, yeah. Did somebody finally out the queen? Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about.
La: Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?
Sterling: Not without a blood transfusion, no.
Sterling: There's a sniper out there whose bullet can start World War 3, and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit!
Pam: Yeah.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Ray: Nooo...
Sterling: Cause I really don't see a downside to that Archer-wise...
[picks up a gunbelt]
Sterling: Here load up... should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.
Malory: [arguing over the phone with Len Trexler] You wanna play me hard?
Sterling: Phrasing.
Malory: Well, then, you better nut up!
Sterling: Phrasing!
Malory: Because I've swallowed just about all I'm going to take from you!
Sterling: Hey! Phrasing!
Lana: Oh, you are shitting me! How did you shoot the boat?
Sterling: Lana, I have to taper off! Trust me, if these... Noma Scojens are a real threat, you do *not* want me hungover.
Lana: Do you even still get hangovers?
Sterling: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of mamajuana this afternoon. I was, uh, playing dominoes with a... Dominican bike gang. Or was it Mahjong? I don't remember.
Malory: [off-screen] Ridiculous!
Doctor: I need access to a 2 inch drain, hot water, 3 GFCI outlets, this bathroom should do nicely, and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.
Sterling: How can you?
Doctor: Put two halves of a potato in with the sauce. It'll absorb the salt. Oh, and I assume that's our patient?
Sterling: Not ours, Krieger. Yours.
Doctor: Thank you!
Sterling: You're just doing this to spite me.
Lana: And?
Cheryl: You guys, I'm kinda freaking out. Is it OK if I glue up?
Malory: It's your house.
Lana: We're stuck inside a space nautilus somewhere between his colon and his cloaca.
Pam: What's a cloaca?
Cyril: It's an organ that's used for excretion and also intercourse.
Pam: [chuckles] Smart.
Malory: [about Mascalzone] As we grew older, his tastes began to grow more exotic. And he began introducing these "acoutramons" very gradually.
Sterling: Well, he'd have to, that thing is huge.
[Lana slaps Archer]
Sterling: Ow, your hands, they're like cricket bats.
Cyril: Why the hell are you two still here?
Cheryl: Because I knew you'd be here because you don't trust Lana with Mr. Archer.
Cyril: No! No, now that is...
Cheryl: ...so ironic, Cyril, especially in light of recent rug-burny events.
Cyril: No!
Pam: Oh, my god, you two BANGED?
Cyril: I, uh, see, here's the thing... uh fruit basket!
[Dumps basket on floor]
Pam: Wow. You are just a dog in a manger.
Cheryl: I don't know what that means, Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh for the... It's called a dairy.
Pam: [Answering phone] Yello.
Cyril: Pam. Listen.
[Chuckles awkwardly]
Cyril: I need you to come to L'Orange. Archer stuck me with a huge tab, then left with my coat, which had my wallet in it, and there's a menacing busboy who won't stop staring at me.
Pam: And you want *me* to come over there and blow a busboy, so he'll forget about your dinner tab.
Cyril: What? No! Come with money to pay the tab.
Pam: Oh... lame.
Cyril: Why would Ms. Archer give us until Friday?
Pam: I did that, because somebody in this building is going to have sex with me.
Sterling: Yeah? You think between now and Friday you can score some roofies?
Rip: But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk...
Sterling: Now that did see pirate-y.
Malory: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Sterling: Ha, ha. He got shot again.
Doctor: Aw, Goatly.
Sterling: Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is, so, yeah, this is about as pirate king-y as I'm going to get. Brief away.
Lana: AJ, meet Sterling Archer.
Sterling: Hey, uh...
[AJ holds up index finger and turns her head away to finish drinking her juice box]
AJ: Ahhh.
Sterling: Hey, AJ. Uh, we had a lot of very weird and dangerous times together, but you were probably too young to remember me.
AJ: No, I remember. You're Sleeping Beauty; that's what I called you. I kissed you so you'd wake up. It just took a while.
Sterling: You... you brought her to visit me?
Lana: Yeah. It was really important to me that she see Sleeping Beauty.
AJ: That's not what she called him. I called him Sleeping Beauty; she called him a sperm delivery device.
Lana: I said that... one time.
[Show ends]
Cheryl: [yelling at the leader of a biker gang] Hey, Treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable things to and/or on me!
Sterling: I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock its luxuriant fullness. Touch it, Barry.
Malory: I'm off for a seaweed wrap.
Ray: [sotto voice] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.
Sterling: Well, look on the bright side!
Lana: Which is?
Sterling: Which is what?
Lana: What's the bright side?
Sterling: Oh... It's a figure of speech.
[repeated line]
Sterling: Shut up.
Woman: [looking from behind shower certain with fellow] Hey, freaky bigtime.
Sterling: Ah!
Woman: You owe us a hundred thousand bhat!
Sterling: Oh, uh, right, yeah, yeah. No- no problem. Oh, and I've got an extra twenty thousand if you're genetic females.
[they open the curtain wide, revealing themselves entirely to Archer; of them we see only their soapy backsides]
Sterling: [looks at their crotches in turn] Super.
[first lines]
Sterling: [coughs] Oh-ho, God. Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher... for I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen."
Malory: And what the hell are you wearing?
Sterling: I think, technically, it's a... loincloth?
[pause]
Sterling: Fashioned out of a baby-doll nightie.
[Malory lifts a finger to say something, then lets out a sigh]
Sterling: Well, sorry, Mother. I didn't know I was going to a funeral.
[pauses]
Sterling: [looks to Lana] I would've worn a black one.
[everyone gives him a stern look except Lana, who closes her eyes and shakes her head]
Cheryl: The Isle of Man... Oh, my God... Is that like Whore Island for women?
Sterling: Freaking Lana. I mean even for her this is over the line. She's going to wish I was never born.
Dr. Krieger: Just going to softball it in like that?
Sterling: Potato, po-dildo.
Katya: [in bed with Archer] Try to relax, darling. You are - how do you say? - to push a rope.
Sterling: Sorry, babe; I'll focus. But could you close your eyes? I... I kinda feel like I'm banging taillights on a country road.
Cheryl: Are you just totally gay for her?
Pam: I'm... the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
Cheryl: [whispering] She is riddled with Herpes.
Pam: Hey! Inappropriate workplace topic... and also a deal-breaker.
Sterling: [fires grenade launcher] Whoo!
Lana: Archer?
Sterling: Hold on.
[grenade goes off]
Sterling: Yes, Archer, duh. And if you're done doing each other's hair, let's...
Commander: ...retake the ship!
[runs off]
Sterling: Or just run around interrupting people.
Cheryl: Deaf people are so gross.
Pam: Not as gross as the hook hand ones.
Cheryl: Ehh.
Cheryl: I'm not going to stuff that poor girl into my clothes in the trunk of a car like so much... forcemeat.
Sterling: So much what?
Cheryl: Forcemeat! Such as one might find in a quenelle, roulade, or galantine.
[Archer stares at her]
Cheryl: Well, now you're just being obtuse.
Sterling: *I'm* being obtuse?
Sterling: [Trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says...
[tiger roars]
Sterling: The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!
Lana: No, I don't!
Sterling: The welcher says...
Sterling: And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".
Cyril: Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?
Sterling: It's a working title! Idiots!
Malory: Liked him better when he had cancer.
Sterling: First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER?
Lana: Yucca Strike Team is Archer, Pam, Cyril and Krieger.
Sterling: Wait... you're not coming?
Lana: Definitely not the first time you've used that phrase.
Ruth: Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.
Sterling: What? I didn't come by to see you. I'm trying to bang a candy striper.
Ruth: Ha, ha, ha!
Lana: Well, at least *my* ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
Pam: Shut up. We're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: ...I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Lana: Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
Sterling: [laughing facetiously] Uh, um, vaguely.
Lana: Okay, well, we all thought you were going to die... and one night, you got really drunk and we almost had sex.
[Archer begins to play with the baby's face with his finger]
Lana: Right before you passed out, you told me Mallory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like, 'Huh, weird.'
[At this point Archer realizes what she's saying, shocked. The ringing in his ears gets louder until eventually it drowns out Lana's voice]
Lana: And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by, and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single. And all the other stuff aside, physically, you're an amazing human being, and all the other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample, just sitting there in Dr. Feldman's - who's security system is a joke, by the way - and so I guess it maybe wasn't the *most* ethical thing I've ever done in my *entire* life, but... Archer? Archer? ARCHER?
Woodhouse: When I served in the King's African Rifles, the local Zambezi tribesman called human flesh "long pig". Never much cared for it.
Sterling: Relax, it's North Korea - the nation-state equivalent of the short-bus.
Sterling: You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek... get it?
Sterling: Get 'em up, Dudley Douchebags!
Woodhouse: Sometimes I think I should just run away, but who would take me in? No one, Woodhouse; no one.
Sterling: I seriously don't feel good at all.
Malory: That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood.
Sterling: Oh, hey, speaking of fifth...
Malory: A drink's the last thing you need.
Sterling: Oh my God! The thermostat's become sentient! That's how Maximum Overdrive started!
Lana: Have you ever heard a country song?
Sterling: Um, "Danger Zone"?
Sterling: Come on. Don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
Sterling: How do you say The Hulk in Spanish?
Ramon: El Hulk.
Sterling: Gay.
Ramon: What? We don't have a word for hulk.
Sterling: Do you have a word for gay?
Ramon: Gay.
Sterling: Gayer. Jesus, Spanish, our jobs aren't enough you gotta take our words?
Sterling: Wow, it's kinda weird opening up like this, huh?
Malory: Yeah, give me another belt.
Crenshaw: Jesus, Archer.
Sterling: What?
Crenshaw: You think this is a game?
Sterling: No, I think Jenga's a game.
Crenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
Sterling: I'd assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guys cock.
Commander: Is mutiny funny to you, Mr. Archer?
Sterling: I don't know. Maybe a mutiny of clowns.
Sterling: Eat a dick, jungle.
Pam: Whatcha doin', Krieger?
Dr. Krieger: Well, I feel bad for Archer, so I'm making him some Portuguese flashcards.
Cyril: Portuguese? But isn't... I thought Krieger was a German name.
Dr. Krieger: Über-German. It means "warrior".
Cheryl: How come you know Portuguese?
Dr. Krieger: [evasively] Because I grew up in Braz - istol... County... Rhode Island. Lotta... Portuguese in Rhode Island.
Cyril: [skeptically] Where you're from.
Dr. Krieger: Born and raised!
Cyril: Uh-huh. What's the state capital?
Dr. Krieger: Of...
Cyril: Rhode Island.
[Krieger thinks for a moment]
Dr. Krieger: Dallas?
Cyril: A-ha!
Pam: A-ha what?
Cheryl: It's Austin! Duh!
Cyril: It's Providence! But I bet he knows the capital of Brazil, don't you?
Dr. Krieger: I don't have to answer that! Who do you...
Cyril: [interrupting] Warum hast du Umzug nach Brasilien?
["Why did you move to Brazil?"]
Dr. Krieger: Weiter den Kampf der mein Führer!
["To continue my Führer's fight!"]
Dr. Krieger: [Realizing what he just said] Schieße!
[He runs away]
Farooq: The only phrase you know in Urdu is, "No, shit, you goat-raping pig-devil"?
Sterling: What? I thought it meant, "I'm sorry". Huh. Probably why that night in a Karachi whorehouse suddenly went from pretty bad to much worse.
[first lines]
[Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected]
Sterling: [takes the call and puts phone to ear] Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?
Malory: Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...
Sterling: [exclaiming] Mother?
Malory: Well, I'm not falling for it again.
Sterling: Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.
Malory: Then what is the square root of nine?
Sterling: Uh... negative nine?
Malory: [gasps] Sterling?
Sterling: Ha! Elaborate...
Malory: God damn it!
Sterling: I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.
Malory: Ass.
Agent: [On cell phone] So, what would you say if I told you that your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?
Sterling: I'd say that's fairly classic her.
Agent: Oh, shut up.
Sterling: And then I'd just sort of laugh at the... uh, uh, watchamacallit... irony?
[Sees bomb timer ticking down]
Agent: Where's the hobbit guy?
Sterling: A frickin' hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people, not hobbits.
Agent: No, he's not *a* hobbit. He's a hobbit *enthusiast*.
Sterling: [wierded out] Oh.
Agent: Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and shit.
Sterling: You're not worried?
Lana: Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?
Sterling: No, about...
Lana: Or that he'll double-cross us again?
Sterling: Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?
Lana: Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.
Sterling: Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?
Lana: Uh, from ten doubles.
Sterling: "A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.
[Lana is about to say something, then stops]
Malory: Well, me, obviously.
Cyril: You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.
Malory: Who else would they possibly choose?
Ray: You've met yourself, right?
Ray: [lights cigarette] If it's anybody around here, it's me.
Cyril: Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.
Ray: Dukes!
[Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette]
Cyril: Ray!
[Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee]
Cyril: You know...
[Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough]
Malory: [batting away the smoke] All right, Virginia Slim. You're...
[she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face]
Malory: [quickly] Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.
Doctor: [indicating hypnotized Pam, Cheryl, and Cyril] See? Easy-peasy, zombie squeezie.
Ray: You still gotta get Miss Archer, and she's not a candy-ass like these ones.
Doctor: She's 80 pounds. This stuff could paralyze a gorilla... on angel dust.
Malory: [from outside the room] What? I better not smell marijuana.
Doctor: Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Malory: I swear to god, you people.
[Krieger sprays her with the hypnotizing aerosol]
Malory: Huh!
Doctor: Maolry?
Malory: Yes, Doctor.
Doctor: You're under my con...
[Malory slaps Krieger hard across the face]
Doctor: Oooww.
Malory: [continuing to slap and punch Krieger as he retreats across the room] You son of a... are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? Walk in here with you idiots smoking reefer like a bunch of yardbirds and you spritz me? YOU SPRITZ ME? Well let me tell you something, Herr Doktor! I killed seven Krauts with a shovel, so one more beardy son of a bitch like you won't make a damn bit of difference.
[Stabs the now completely beaten man sitting on the floor in the shoulder with her high-heeled left shoe]
Doctor: [Screams in pain] Aaaarrrggg.
Sterling: If Pam knows, then everyone knows, because of Pam's huge mouth.
Malory: Look at me! Chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand.
[first lines]
Malory: And if that happens again I'll put a lock on it so no one can enjoy it.
Sterling: Suck it, cancer!
Sterling: Oh is that what you want? Because that's how you get ants!
Sterling: [riding across "Ken's" shoulders] Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs, and then all the remaining ones?
Agent: I blew jack shit!
Sterling: Name dropper.
Agent: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Woodhouse: "I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups."
Sterling: "Like I told you he would!"
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: What's the frequency?
Sterling: Kenneth?
Sterling: [sighs] Well, I hope you're happy, because I feel like a total dick.
[Archer is marching Sato through the jungle, hands bound and at gunpoint]
Sterling: And also kinda racist. And I resent you making me feel like that, so...
[pause]
Sterling: [scoffs] I'm not a racist.
[next scene, Ray is fanning Malory with a Japanese paper fan]
Malory: [sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!
Malory: Why the hell are you naked?
Sterling: It's after Labor Day!
Ray: [Trying Krieger's drug-cleansing tea] Oh, god! It tastes worse than it smells!
Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... I'd have eight nickles.
Cyril: So, as you can see, we are already down to 125 kilos of cocaine, which was worth about six million dollars.
Sterling: Wait, how much is that in pounds?
Cyril: Forget pounds, we're doing kilos!
Sterling: No, I meant pounds...
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: Exactly! As in, Doctor Who money.
Malory: I don't care if you're captain...
[pause]
Sterling: Crunch! No wait, Beefheart.
Sterling: Claudio, we had a deal!
Sterling: Wait, Kangaroo.
Lana: [looking for Cecil's keys in his pants] Eww! Son of a...
Cecil: I'm priapic. From the shock.
Lana: Shock doesn't cause priapisms.
Malory: Is Krieger hard at work?
Sterling: He literally might be, yeah.
Lana: Ew.
Sterling: So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms, or my ass in the combat firing stance.
Lana: No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
Sterling: So full of shit your eyes are brown.
[a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]
Sterling: No, they're...
[Archer tosses the grenade away]
Sterling: Oh, my God... they're green.
[the grenade explodes]
Sterling: Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
Lana: Archer.
[They close in to kiss]
Sterling: I mean, not compared to your tits, but...
[Lana shoots Archer in the foot]
Sterling: Ow! Ow! What is your problem!
Sterling: [Threatening to throw the emergency beacon out of the lifeboat] I told you, I'm not going back there!
[Riley aims a flare gun at Archer]
Rip: Well, you say that...
[Archer points his pistol at Riley]
Sterling: Riley, no shit, I will shoot you.
Rip: And then I'll shoot YOU with a flare, and then I'll use a D-ration to burn two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
[pause, then Archer lowers his gun]
Sterling: Goddamn, dude.
Rip: Sorry, but you're actin' really crazy.
Sterling: Well, being a spy makes you crazy! I mean, what kinda job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? Hello! Stress! And don't even get me started on my mother. I mean, she...
Rip: She can be a steel-clad bitch. I know! Why do you think I left ISIS?
Sterling: Wh - you were an ISIS agent?
Rip: Briefly, way back. It didn't work out because, y'know, your mother...
Sterling: Was impossible to please, right?
Rip: [under his breath] God, if you only knew.
Sterling: What?
Rip: [Recovering quickly] How much your mom loves you... you would at least have the heart to tell her you're quittin' in person.
Sterling: Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Rip: Oh, man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.
Sterling: Oh, come on, that marriage was doomed.
Rip: And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
Sterling: Uh... yeah.
[a ship's bell rings in the distance]
Sterling: And hey, we're not doomed. Look!
[a speedboat rapidly approaches the lifeboat]
Sterling: Over here! Hey! Over here!
Rip: No, no, no, quit waving, get down!
Sterling: Don't you wanna get rescued?
Rip: Yeah, but those could be pirates.
Sterling: Wh - okay. Then I guess they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians.
Rip: What?
Sterling: What, what? What are you talking about?
[Cut to Archer and Riley, tied up aboard the pirates' speedboat]
Sterling: I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were... still a real thing.
Pam: What a hunk!
Cheryl: Total sploosh!
Lana: Actually, yeah. Gotta give him a sploosh.
Ray: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
Capt. Lammers: We don't normally drink on the bridge.
Sterling: Well I don't normally fly on the Hindenberg 2.0!
Lana: And Cyril doesn't normally storm off without kissing me goodbye!
Sterling: So we're all out of our comfort zone.
Malory: Not me! My stateroom is gorgeous.
Bardsley: [Seeing Lana making out with Lloyd on the table] Right, then... obviously I've make an extremely embarrassing mistake, so... ah...
Sterling: [Bursting out of the closet by kicking through the door] What the shit, Lana!
Lana: Ah, ha!
Bardsley: Ah, ha, what? Who is this man?
Sterling: I... wait... shit, who am I?
Bardsley: You're Lloyd Llewellyn, if I don't miss my guess, which means your brother Dafydd can't be too far off.
Sterling: Uh, in the closet, jacking off in a hat.
Cheryl: Yeah, what does a blimp do, Pam?
Pam: Uhh, kick your skinny ass?
Pam: [a masked man punches Pam in the face] Who taught you how to punch? Your husband?
[the man punches her again]
Pam: You better just fucking kill me.
Woodhouse: Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I've been with your family ever since.
Sterling: You... You saw mother's VAGINA! Oh, my god! Ahhh! Oh, god! Oh, I can't breathe.
Sterling: [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.
Cyril: Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.
Sterling: That's because it's a hypodermic needle.
Cyril: What?
Sterling: And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poizo... caine.
Cyril: [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey, whoa. Wait a minute.
Sterling: Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason.
Cheryl: George says you stiffed him.
Malory: What? No, I didn't. I gave him a tip.
George: A stick of gum?
Malory: Well?
Pam: Really?
Ray: Did you not have a button?
Malory: [after Utne is shot] It's okay! They're just blanks!
Agent: Well, see, you say that...
Malory: But they were blanks, weren't they?
Sterling: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
Sterling: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! For the last time, assholes, my name is-
[KGB agents open fire]
Sterling: SHAZAM!
Ray: What's going on?
Lana: The timer sped up!
Ray: What? Did you cut the green one?
Sterling: Yes. Roger. Steven. Whoever!
Ray: What were the last two letters?
Sterling: B as in butthole!
Lana: Ray, what do we do here?
Sterling: And M and in mancy.
Ray: What?
Lana: M as in what?
Sterling: Mancy. What did you think I said?
Ray: Nancy! You idiot!
Lana: Ray, tell me what to do!
Ray: So, do ya'll have parachutes?
Lana: No!
Ray: Well that would be, you know, problem solved.
Lana: Ray!
Ray: I don't know. Push it off with your big-ass hands! Good luck, honey.
[first lines]
Narrator: All aboard for safety and adventure on the rigid airship Excelsior, where the pampered luxury of a cruise ship meets the smoothness of modern air travel.
[last lines]
Cheryl: Cyril, you can trust me. You know. Probably.
Cyril: Probably?
Cheryl: wah wah
Lana: What's their beef?
Malory: Oh, the same entitled crap as always. "I can't make ends meet. I'm on food stamps. My child died because I couldn't afford new bone marrow." Just, me, me, me, me, me.
Lana: Jesus, whose kid died?
Malory: Oh, who remembers?
[discovering their mission is to extract Conway Stern from Argentina]
Sterling: Yeah, can I start? You guys mind if I start? I'll start. Are you out of your shitting mind?
Malory: [simultaneously] Sterling!
Slater: [simultaneously] Excuse me?
Sterling: He literally stabbed me in the back!
Slater: Because you jeopardized his mission.
Lana: What mission? To sell classified military technology to the Chinese?
Slater: *Phony* technology we *wanted* China to have. They've been chasing their tails on the whisper drive for years.
Lana: Oh.
Sterling: "Oh"?
Malory: I knew it. In my heart of hearts, I knew he was one of good guys.
Sterling: Literally! The back! Stabbed it!
Slater: Well, but then you people ripped off his hands, so...
Sterling: After he literally stabbed me! In the back!
Malory: Oh, give it a rest, Sterling. I'm sure you did something to deserve it.
Sterling: What-?
Malory: But now you have a chance to right that wrong, which is a rare thing.
Slater: About as rare as getting called up to the majors from single-A ball, which is...
Lana: Hey!
Malory: Lana! I'm sure that was a sports analogy meant to be cutting, but we will take the mission, won't we, Sterling?
Sterling: Huh? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I- It's just, I-I'm worried my entire life I've been misusing the word "literally"!
[smashed intercom beeps]
Cheryl: [distorted] And certaintly *over*using.
Goon: Ty skin syn, ISIS shiphon! Even if you kill us, more will come, Archer.
Sterling: [in Russian] Khorosho! Ya ih Toje zamochu togda!
[Archer places the cooking spray can into the goon's mouth and shoots it]
Lana: God shit dammit, Archer! What?
Lana: In what way, in what possible way did that work?
[Lana asks Archer after he lobbed a grenade in the bar car of the train]
Sterling: Well-eh, A, they are all incapacitated. And B, I got to blow up a train.
Lana: Well, thanks, Gomez.
Sterling: Commence operation something about I rescue Lana and she begs me to take her back, so then Cyril commits suicide... Swear to god I had something for this.
Ray: No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal, and get out. No snooping.
Pam: Aw, come on. I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common like.
Cheryl: Tons of cock porn lying around?
Pam: I don't have cock porn just laying around. But sometimes you just, you know, forget it's in the VCR.
Ray: How do you forget?
Pam: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here's Joe Frasier's dumb ass drowning and you forget it's in there. Until mom and dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's Disease.
Ray: Why would you think it's okay to share that?
Cyril: So, you'd ask Krieger to watch your baby before you'd ask me.
Lana: I didn't... Well, that would be weird.
Cyril: Weirder than the guy trying to make some kind of ejaculation ray?
Lana: No, it's a pants-shitting ray.
Sterling: But Chef, Why?
[Archer asks why he murdered the Albanian Ambassador]
Lance: Six-million bucks - which I'm gonna use to deficit finance a new show where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the globe.
[Anthony Bourdain is remembered for his shows where he explored world cultures and their cuisines. Through "Lance Casteau", Bourdain pokes fun at himself]
Sterling: Danger zone!
Malory: I hope to God that was alcohol.
Malory: Does it matter if we don't get that disc for that snooty has-been, we'll have to shut off the lights?
Cheryl: How will that help?
Pam: Oh, please. You're so hot for him I could reheat this chili in your cooch.
Malory: For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?
Cheryl: In my work.
Malory: That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.
Sterling: Super glad I didn't wet my pants.
Malory: [the wee baby Seamus is sitting, crying on Malory's desk] What the hell is wrong with him?
Sterling: He might have a tiny hangover.
[first lines]
Lance: Why do I seem annoyed? Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, I'm talking to you cockwits. What else? Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the State Department and Albania. So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security threat, so my highly-trained staff... Has been infiltrated!
Lana: Sorry...
Lance: By Shithead Squadron!
Lana: Just need to grab some menus, for - the camera, why is there a camera?
Lance: I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers?
Interviewer: [off-screen] Two-point-eight.
Lance: Because it's not promoted properly!
Lana: This is gonna be televised?
Interviewer: [off-screen] Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef?
Lana: Mm. Scuse me.
Lance: Thank you, giraffe-lady! Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason they have to do that undercover, so -
[sound of metal bowl hitting floor, making a WONGWONGWONGWONG noise for a long time]
Sterling: [off-screen] Whoops.
Lance: That's probably why I seem annoyed.
Sterling: It's like Meowschwitz in there.
[last lines]
Malory: Well, Conway's gone. And I'll have nothing to remember him by.
Cheryl: [comes in carrying a blue stick] Except his little mocha love child!
Malory: Oh, my God! You had sex with Conway!
Cheryl: Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.
Malory: But - wait. He was only here for two days. How in hell is that pregnancy test showing positive?
Cheryl: No, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a blue sticker on it.
Malory: Anyway, Savio was in Italian intelligence...
Sterling: Rimshot.
Malory: Shut up.
Lana: Kinda curious. Why do you even work at ISIS?
Cheryl: Why do you?
Lana: Ha! Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.
Cheryl: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Malory: And how much will you be splitting?
Cheryl: It actually is a billion dollars.
Lana: I am literally wet with jealousy.
Sterling: Fine! Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: I... you have a shoemaker?
Sterling: Do you not?
Slater: Pam and Crazy Glue, your job is to stay out of everybody's way, so maybe go do that in the rear.
Pam: [scoffs] What, like, butt-sex?
Slater: Of the ship.
Pam: Well let's keep an open mind.
Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did! Friday night was cornhole league, then on Saturday...
Malory: [interrupts] If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
Cheryl: [whispering] Saturday I watched a building burn down.
Doctor: Press that red button.
Sterling: I- wait. Is it going to kill everybody?
Doctor: Press that blue button.
Sterling: And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. Trust me, mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights walking home from a lot of jazz tap lessons.
Sterling: That is a goddamn space ocelot!
Sterling: [choosing between facing alligators or Malory] What's the difference? They're both cold blooded, prehistoric monsters.
Sterling: Sky-Captain of yesteryear!
Rip: At least I'm not Sky-Captain of I-ran-away-from-home!
Sterling: I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip: By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
Sterling: Apparently, that's my grieving process.
Cyril: Well, for your information, Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm.
Sterling: Yeah, I bet.
Cyril: Aaaah! The computer worm!
Sterling: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like
Sterling: Grilled cheese.
Malory: What?
Sterling: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Doctor: And so a small power unit goes here on your... spiney... thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg... bones.
Ray: I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.
Lana: ...and so basically, we are totally unprepared for this mission.
Sterling: Unless it involves night shoveling.
Sterling: You want me to take a baby... to a murder.
Malory: Wherever. Just out of here. I have no more love to give today.
Sterling: Yeah, but, what is it, like 2:30?
Prince: And so, beckoned by the servant, a powerful Negress giant, Fawad entered the boudoir and soon became a man.
Sterling: [apologising to Lana after long awkward pause] Sorry I tried to spit roast your mom.
Guard: Ay! Coronel!
Sterling: Um, okay.
Guard: Su carat, Coronel, por favor.
Sterling: Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...
[Archer opens the back window]
Sterling: esposa grande.
Guard: [sighs] Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?
Guard: [with suspicion, reaching for his holster] Calrissiano?
Sterling: So, here's the thing with that.
[Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck]
Guard: [holding tranq gun] Boring conversation anyway.
Lana: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!
[Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure]
Conway: Archer!
Lana: Don't drive angry!
[Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards]
Lana: What the hell are you doing?
Sterling: I'm Archer-izing this plan!
Lana: What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.
Sterling: [laughing] I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!
[Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in]
Sterling: And then, also, cover me, please.
Ron: And call me if you ever want to test drive the new Coupe De Ville.
Sterling: Well, actually, I just got a new El Camino, so...
Ron: Oh, so you're all set. That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawn mowers.
[Abbiejean cries]
Malory: [to Abbiejean] Oh, shut up.
Sterling: [to Malory] Hey!
Lana: I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...
Sterling: No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?
Malory: Believe me, I tried.
Lana: Zip it, Gee-baw!
Malory: [gasps] No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!
Lana: Then hush.
Lana: [to Archer] Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.
Sterling: Lana, they're just gonna get broken.
Lana: [weary sigh] I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.
Sterling: I would! I would love to talk, Lana.
Sterling: [drinks] Just don't wanna listen.
[drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]
Malory: [to her chauffeur] If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.
Sterling: Look at that thing. It looks like it's made out of Wolverine's bones.
[pause]
Sterling: You know. 'Cause they're... does nobody read X-Men?
Lana: Wait. You already knew the code?
Sterling: Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...
[Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally]
Lana: Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-bitch!
Sterling: [out of breath] Cahh- called it.
Conway: Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.
[Lana drops her two guns]
Sterling: I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.
[repeated line]
Sterling: Phrasing!
Commander: [wounded] The bridge... We have to make it... to the...
Sterling: The bridge, yes, I heard you. So unless we're going the wrong way...
Commander: Uh, no. That's it right there.
Sterling: Then shut up! God.
Malory: My point is...
Cherlene: All babies should be drowned?
[stares from Malory, Pam, and Lana]
Cherlene: Not all babies. Just baby people.
Trinette: What the shit!
Sterling: I know. I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...
Trinette: Not yours, shit brain. His!
Sterling: Yeah, it's like we've got each other's backs. Right?
Trinette: You can't tattoo a frickin' baby!
Sterling: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra $100.
Trinette: How about I slip somebody $100 to throw acid in your face!
Sterling: Costs more than that, I bet. To buy acid, Trinette.
Trinette: Come on, Seamus. I hope your stupid cancer kills you!
Sterling: Oh yeah, well, I hope... I hope it doesn't!
Sterling: [Kneeling on front of race car, punching Benoit] And I never got my swan-shaped towel.
Benoit: I can't see, you fool. Get off!
Sterling: I am getting off; I love this.
Sterling: And, for dessert, we will have the truth! You hear that, mother? After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth. Uhh, and also, hopefully, shitloads of vodka.
Lana: Okay. Let's set up a defensive perimeter.
Sterling: Yeah, right after I set up the grill.
Sterling: I beat cancer, everybody!
Sterling: Because *you* said we were on a break!
Lana: So two days later your *cock's* wet?
Sterling: [scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
[they begin arguing over each other]
Lana: There is an acceptable amount of time...
Sterling: ...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
Lana: ...before you start cramming your trash dick...
Sterling: ...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
Lana: ...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
Sterling: ...because you never bother to consult with me on...
Sterling: *anything*!
Sterling: And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, *it was yours*!
Lana: Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way...
Lana: [looking at Archer's crotch] *I can smell from here*!
Sterling: [chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]
Sterling: Please! Just pretend I'm... whose your go-to movie star, you know, for...?
Ray: Lorne Greene.
Sterling: Wow.
Ray: Yeah.
Sterling: Bonanza or Battlestar?
Ray: Duh! So I come to the Ponderosa looking for ranch work, but my chaps get torn, and Hop Sing's just, you know...
Sterling: Uh, Ray, time's kinda a factor here, so...
Ray: I am *not* ever sucking your taint.
Sterling: Okay, so, Cyril, better ChapStick it up, buddy.
Cyril: Well, first of all, does sucking out the venom not help the snakebite victim, it can also envenom the...
Sterling: Taint-sucker, that's you, let's go.
Ray: Okay, yes, and second of all, the venom's not there anymore. It's pumping through you veins to your heart and brain.
Sterling: My... , well, put a tourniquet on me.
Cyril: You can't tourniquet the taint.
Sterling: Wait, is my dick going to be OK?
Malory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist so you can jet off to Whore Island.
Sterling: That's not... a real place.
Malory: I have 50 agents who'd literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be VACANT!... Sterling?
Sterling: Hmm? Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Pam: [Listening to gunfire in the distance] What the hell is all of that, you reckon?
Malory: Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and... snow.
Lana: You good?
[Archer takes several fast, deep breaths]
Sterling: RAMPAAAAAAAAAGE!
[He dashes out of the car, but trips over his IV stand and falls]
Lana: Ugh...
Sterling: Little help?
Sterling: [about to throw grenade] Oh, I had something for this one... uummm... Eat grenade!
Cheryl: Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.
Sterling: Oh, my god! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl!
Sterling: No, Cyril!
Cyril: She was a call...
Sterling: When they're dead, they're just hookers. God, I said the cap on the poison pen slips off for no reason, didn't I?
Cyril: But I just assumed that if anything bad happened...
Sterling: No, do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument.
Woodhouse: And also woefully esoteric.
Sterling: Woodhouse...
Woodhouse: Fetching a rug, sir.
Sterling: Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
Cyril: No! No, I'm not happy!
Sterling: Well, guess what? Me neither! I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
Woodhouse: Sir, I have fetched the rug.
Sterling: Plus, now I'm out of a rug.
Sterling: Hey! So, what happened was, somebody ordered room service, but the regular room service guy, uhh, he died, so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.
Ray: And is the defendant ready to proceed?
Sterling: No, the defendant is not, because there is no defendant, because this whole thing is a sham and a farce, and I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority, because it's presided over by a male prostitute.
Ray: Courtesan!
Sterling: Popobot!
Ray: And, by god, you will recognize it, because prior to my current circumstances, for 16 years, I was a federation high court justice.
Cheryl: I have a question.
Ray: Woman, I swear to god...
Cheryl: How'd you go from being a federation judge to, like, blowing space truckers.
Ray: Well, missy, heh, th- that is a - oh, that is a long, crazy story. But it is entirely nongermane to the solemn proceeding before this bench.
Malory: The classic Irish man's dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
Malory: None of you had any field experience when you first started. And you've given Cyril some training.
Sterling: Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk!
Cyril: No it didn't!
Sterling: Well it easily could have!
Pam: The soup kitchen was a sex club.
Sterling: America is not your enemy! Japan has no enemies! You're like...
[pauses, laughs]
Sterling: I want to say, "a platypus," but... I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.
[Archer is walking in an island jungle]
Sterling: Agh, son of a...
[Archer slaps the back of his neck]
Sterling: God, is one last non-malarial hurrah before I go home too much to ask? Agh.
[Archer slaps the back of his neck again]
Sterling: Thanks, jungle. Eat a buffet of dicks.
Malory: What the hell are you wearing?
Cheryl: Uhh, this thing called "My boss made me sleep at my desk", so pajamas.
Cherlene: [Cherlene, hiding in a wooden box which is fired upon by machine guns, safely jumps out] God dammit! Who drilled my box?
Sterling: So, we're just done with "phrasing", right? That's not a thing anymore?
[while climbing down a hidden shaft in the pirate fortress]
Sterling: Where the hell does this go?
Noah: I don't know. Down?
Sterling: Wow. You're only a doctoral candidate?
Noah: Hey, guy? My field's anthropology.
Rip: [chuckling] Good luck with the job hunt.
Sterling: Right?
Noah: Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach.
Sterling: Anthropology?
Noah: What - yes!
Rip: To, uh, anthropology majors?
Noah: Hey, you know what?
Sterling: Thus continuing the circle of "why bother?"
[Repeated line]
Lana: God... DAMN it, Archer!
Sterling: I'm going to be a pirate king.
Cyril: That's what people want to see, not "Granny Gets Jungle Fever".
Sterling: Astronaut training sucks complete ass. Literally! What's the deal with all the enemas?
Doctor: Uhh.
Sterling: And why do you need so much blood? And wait, now that I think about it...
Commander: Why is this man in the restricted area?
Doctor: Who, him?
Commander: You.
Sterling: What? Krieger!
Doctor: Uhh, smoke bomb!
Commander: And why aren't you with the other trainees?
Sterling: I was told I had to undergo a bunch of extremely invasive medical tests.
Commander: Well, normally you would but by our doctors. But since you're on such an accelerated training schedule...
Sterling: Six enemas is a luxury we can ill-afford. Got it.
Malory: Six?
Sterling: Or, who knows. He put me under. Maybe twelve.
Pam: [about the prime minister] So is that why you dressed him up like a big giant penis?
Mallory: What is with all the banging and the shouting? Are we hosting a quinceañera?
Katya: Really?
Sterling: [Archer on one knee in front of Katya] Yes, really, and... . Krieger! Today!
[holding hand up toward Krieger]
Doctor: Huh? Oh... sorry.
[hands Archer a small box]
Sterling: A little thing called timing, Krieger. And the erection's really not appropriate.
Doctor: I'm still happy.
Malory: Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?
Malory: [pours herself a drink] Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...
Malory: [sniffs] Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...
Malory: [winces] goop.
Lana: What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!
Malory: [hand on hip] Prove it.
[Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise]
Malory: So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?
Sterling: [Archer takes martini from wee baby Seamus] Seamus! No! Huh uh! No no no!
Sterling: [Seamus begins crying] Woodhouse, I can either do... God! You are such a little brat.
Sterling: [Archer hands martini back to Seamus] Here!
[last lines]
Commander: Welcome to the... danger zone.
Ray: [to Cyril] Forget those first two darts and just find your center.
Sterling: Maybe it's in your vagina.
George: No, no! What are you doing? Besides making a mess all over my train?
Sterling: [Holding a bloody steak that has dripped down the length of the hall] Uh, I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.
George: What?
Sterling: Not necessarily in that order.
Cyril: But why hasn't she called? I mean, what if she's in danger, or...?
Sterling: Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.
Cheryl: How could you say that?
Sterling: What? I said worst case!
Ray: I was married. For two years. Yeah, I mean, she was a lesbian, but still. We met in a "Pray Away the Gay" Bible group. That was a pretty weird time for me.
Malory: [after being in a cramped car surrounded by luggage] Ridiculous! This thing's a sardine can! How are people supposed to travel like this?
George: Most people bring less luggage.
Malory: Most people fly. So your days of sullen superiority are numbered.
George: I have no response for that.
Malory: They never do.
Sterling: So, I bet she'll pay whatever ransom you ask for. Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us, as you can imagine.
Sterling: [in a racecar] Wow, this might be hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection.
Sterling: The "famille" thing actually makes this borderline creepy.
Framboise: Perhaps if you tried it from behind?
Sterling: Yeah, let's try that.
Malory: And then you almost got everyone killed, and then...
Mr. Moto: Almost nothing. I'll kill you all right now!
Malory: Do you mind? I'm trying to parent!
[Shoots at Moto]
Malory: That was for Pearl Harbor!
Lana: Seriously.
Sterling: What?
Lana: I just heard you get hard.
Everyone: Ewww!
Agent: I don't care if you have fifty dead hookers in the trunk. You lied to me.
Sterling: Seriously, Krieger. You are my Oprah.
Cyril: Hey, do you think those guys are Doctors Without Borders?
Sterling: Yes, Cyril, I do. I bet those assault rifles shoot polio vaccine.
Noah: I'm an anthropologist.
Sterling: A spider scientist?
Noah: A what?
Pam: That's an arachnologist.
Sterling: Like you would know!
Noah: No, no. It is. An anthropologist...
Sterling: I know what an anthropologist is!
Pam: No, he doesn't.
Sterling: Nobody does!
Pam: Fighting the war on the war on drugs.
Sterling: Are you out of your mind?
Malory: What? I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
Sterling: Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
Malory: Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling: Twelve.
Rona: Ohmigod, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
Slater: [points to door with thumb] I'm gonna go.
Sterling: [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean] Good. Why are you here in the first place?
Malory: Mr. Slater...
Slater: Just "Slater"! And hang on.
[to Archer]
Slater: Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?
Sterling: [pouring a drink] I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...
Malory: Sterling, Mr...
Slater: [firmly] *Just* "Slater".
Malory: has...
Slater: Had...
Malory: [appeasingly] an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for
[makes "touchdown" gesture]
Malory: a home run.
Slater: [pointing to door] I'm gonna go.
Lana: [stops him, speaking softly] Look, you're already here.
[runs a finger down his chest]
Lana: Why not just tell us what the mission is?
Slater: I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...
Sterling: What do you call him?
Slater: I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from
[in Latin American accent]
Slater: Buenos Aires.
Sterling: Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."
Lana: And-
[aside to Archer]
Lana: hush.
[back to Slater]
Lana: And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?
Slater: Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?
Lana: I...
Slater: As in "Beeswax", Lana.
Lana: Yes, I...
Sterling: [muffled into his hands] Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.
Lana: Tooo help a patient who's been burned?
Sterling: [muffled] No.
Slater: Anyway
[sighs]
Slater: his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.
Pam: [holding microphone] So why are these damn peer reviews so hard? Only like ten people work in this whole goddamn chickenshit outfit.
[extends hand, drops mic]
Pam: Sorry.
Cheryl: Oh, don't be. It is a chickenshit outfit.
Malory: You have no idea who this person is?
Cheryl: No.
Malory: Or what this is about?
Cheryl: No.
Malory: "Zissner office meeting ten." And you have no idea what that means?
Cheryl: I feel like I made that very clear.
Malory: Unlike this cryptic idiocy! Why do you even bother to answer the phone?
Cheryl: Because you scream at me when I don't!
[Lana walks in, looking very tired]
Lana: Volume! Jesus!
Malory: My God! Lana, you look like hell!
Cheryl: [under her breath] Like I've been saying for years.
Lana: Woman, you do not wanna light this particular fuse. A.J. was up all night with the croup.
Malory: Did you give her bourbon?
Lana: Y'know, I was going to, and then I realized that no, I wasn't going to.
Malory: Always worked for Sterling.
[brief pause]
Cheryl: [to Lana] And you're just gonna...
Lana: Yeah, too sleepy.
Lana: Because I don't want it in my car!
Sterling: Well, what do you want me to do, Lana?
[Archer holds up a used airsickness bag]
Sterling: Just throw it out the window?
Lana: Obviously!
Sterling: Oh.
[Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian]
Pedestrian: Ahhhhh!
Sterling: Ha, ha!
[Archer drives off in a limousine Malory wanted]
Malory: Son of a bitch!
Pam: YOUR words.
Malory: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
Lana: OK, we got the French chick and Carol and... anybody else, Rambone?
Cyril: Nooo.
Scatterbrain: [Waving as she walks past the open office door; in sing-song voice] Hiiii, Cyril.
[Her light laughter turns into coughing and hacking]
Lana: Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
Cyril: Well, say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Lana: [laughing] Oooh, right, I forgot your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Cyril: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
Lana: Yep. Anybody else?
Cyril: Um.
[Memory flashback to being in Malory's office]
Cyril: Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
[Malory is heard to laugh]
Cyril: Aren't you?
[Flashback ends]
Cyril: NOPE! No one.
Lana: Okay; get out.
Cyril: Of my own office?
Lana: Yep.
Cyril: Why?
Lana: Oh, you don't wanna be here... when I bang every last dude in the building.
Cyril: WHAT?
Lana: Right here on your blotter.
Sterling: Woodhouse? What the hell is this?
Woodhouse: I believe it's squash, sir.
Sterling: What are you shoveling it into?
Woodhouse: The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend.
Sterling: WHAT!
Woodhouse: For the Pimps and Ho's Ball I believe she said. Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.
[while being chased by the cops at high speed]
Burt: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
Sterling: Hooray.
Burt: You know what your problem is?
Sterling: My pants are wet?
Burt: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
Sterling: Don't make it weirder!
Burt: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
[a police car pulls up next to them]
Burt: Oops. Hang on!
[He sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
Sterling: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
Burt: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
Sterling: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
Sterling: OW!
Burt: How 'bout now?
Sterling: It's gone. I'm all ears.
Burt: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
Sterling: See wh -
[He looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
Sterling: No! BURT, NOOO!
[Burt laughs]
Sterling: Please don't do this!
[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
Sterling: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
Sterling: My pants are now literally wet.
Burt: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
[pause]
Sterling: Huh.
Burt: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her", I mean...
Sterling: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
Sterling: ... bet. Goddamn it.
Burt: Now whaddya say we have some fun?
Sterling: [Holding up his pistols] Whatever.
Pam: You could shut your dick holster.
Pam: Soooo, is that why you're being such a bitch?
Sterling: I never even heard of that position. Did the missionaries not swing by here or... ?
Malory: To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.
Sterling: It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.
[Archer's: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac]
Malory: [scoffs] Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.
[muntjac barks]
Sterling: Really? It's been six weeks?
Malory: Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...
Lana: Is that Archer?
Sterling: Is that Lana?
Lana: [simultaneously] Let me talk to him.
Sterling: [simultaneously] Let me talk to her.
[Malory holds the phone away from Lana]
Lana: [loudly so the phone could pick her up] So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?
Sterling: I- Wait, was that rhetorical?
Sterling: [feeding the muntjac a banana] Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!
[muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something]
Lana: Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?
Sterling: [laughs] Oh, that is- that is...
[Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey]
Sterling: You don't know me!
Lana: Ha!
[twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom]
Sterling: [Boarding School Flashbacks]
Agent: Can you just get out of the way?
Sterling: What? Are you going to shoot me again?
Agent: Yes!
Sterling: Well then hang on.
[He moves out of her way]
Agent: Cyril's already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air drying your unkempt bush!
Sterling: Unkempt bush?
[Someone knocks at the door]
Sterling: Ha, you're one to talk!
Agent: Huh! My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet
[opens the door and sees Cyril]
Agent: with terrible timing.
Cyril: I'm not sure that's technically irony.
Sterling: What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.
Malory: No. I am not sharing a room with you.
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it's got two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one, greasing up in the bathroom?
Pam: [stopping at the janitor's closet] I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.
Cyril: Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.
Pam: For my shower at home.
Lana: Gross.
Ray: Oh, gross.
Cyril: Oh, Lord.
[Pam: 934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall]
Pam: Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.
[Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of saké]
Pam: How's the water?
Doctor: Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...
Pam: Pam.
Doctor: Yes, of course, I know you're...
[Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings]
Pam: So I gained the weight back! Sue me!
Doctor: No, I was...
Pam: Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.
Doctor: Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.
Pam: Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".
Doctor: [she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri] Super. Kampai.
Sterling: Kampai.
Sterling: [On a rooftop across from ISIS with a grappling hook gun] So, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol!
Robert: And sure enough, we made love right there in the jazz club, and to this day, I can't even hear a muted trumpet without getting erect.
[mimics trumpet fanfare]
Sterling: What a great story, Robert. I just wish it could have been louder and grosser.
Sterling: Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual, just, uh, for you know, normal bodily waste excretion.
Malory: If you're quite finished...
Sterling: Damn near.
Malory: then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.
Sterling: Um, why? To all three of those?
Malory: Because, if and when Nikolai shows up, he's not staying at my place!
[chatter on police radio]
Detective: Well, what do you think?
Detective: I think that in my next life I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
Detective: Yeah, Look out, gay porn.
Detective: Rim shot.
Detective: Yeah, that could be your name. So what, some movie star lives here?
Detective: Yes, Veronica Deane. Don- don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.
Detective: No shit.
Detective: Wait, what are you- We were just questioning her ten hours ago! *He* was her alibi.
Detective: You like her?
Detective: As an actress or for this homicide?
Detective: Both.
Detective: Loved her in Shanghai Moon.
Detective: Oh, my God, that dress?
Detective: Right? But as for Tenessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her. See if she knows who tried to weight him down... with an ounce of lead. Found it on the ground, over there, by the table.
Detective: Is it hers?
Detective: Hard to tell with no serial number.
Detective: Yeah, probably why they put them on there.
Detective: Rim shot.
Detective: Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.
Detective: And maybe if she murdered this guy.
Detective: Huh, you've got a real knack for this.
Detective: Rim Schott.
Detective: [flicks cigarette into pool] Yeah, you don't have to say it every time.
Detective: No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.
Sterling: [Archer reassures Katya that he still loves her as a cyborg] All I care about is what I see when I look into those big, green... oh, I guess they're red now, huh? Anyway, your eyes.
Katya: Dah? And what do you see in my eyes?
Sterling: Mostly those insane boobs.
Lana: Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Malory: Is that a reference I should get or...
Lana: Seriously?
Malory: Well, I'm sorry Lana. I didn't go to rabbinical school.
Sterling: I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!
Woodhouse: Well, I was very fond of a boy at school once. Reggie Thistleton, but he died in the war at Flanders.
Rudy: Flanders?
Charles: What war was that?
Woodhouse: Oh, the Great War.
Rudy: They're all great.
Charles: Oh my God, yes! Those Nazi uniforms?
Rudy: Hugo Boss.
Charles: Shut up!
Rudy: Swear to God.
Sterling: You besmirched!
Malory: Please, we just want to go home.
Sterling: But, space bots...
Cheryl: Jesus! Think about someone else for once in your life!
Lana: And that's her saying that.
Cheryl: Exactly.
Barry: Domo arigato, Archer roboto! Oh hey, let's get it on brother.
Sterling: Yeah, I can't get it on. Maybe next time. Sorry.
Barry: No, no don't apologize. You know, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu of a penis I completely understand and you need to deal with that. Honestly, we can do this another time.
Sterling: Next time, Barry.
Lana: Yeah. Um, so, Trish?
Trish: What?
Lana: Still with the tone. So seriously, none of you know how to fly this thing?
Trish: No! We're scientists! We never even trained on the simulator.
Cyril: The simulator! Guys, I can fly us home. I will fly us home!
Malory: Schwein doesn't even touch it.
Sterling: Yeah, well neither did I, mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!
[last lines]
Doctor: Whoo! Suck it, Alan Turing!
Cyril: Archer, what am I going to tell her?
Sterling: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
Sterling: [Steals the uniform of a crewmember prisoner] How's my disguise?
Lana: Depends. Who're you supposed to be, Topper Bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?
[Prisoner laughs at Archer]
Sterling: What - they're you're clothes, idiot!
[He shoots the prisoner]
Lana: Ah, dammit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain.
Sterling: There's a chocolate fountain?
Pam: But this time, get in there! All you've been doin' is giving one side hell!
Sterling: I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh, god... I could eat!
Malory: What?
Lana: What?
Sterling: Well, not necessarily sphaghetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean, man, I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I could literally die.
Sterling: Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth.
Malory: Well, people in hell want ice water.
Lana: [in an air ventilation shaft] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here! I thought that was a joke.
[Malory has attacked and is choking Cheryl in the restroom when Pam peeks over the wall between stalls wearing her bra under nothing else]
Pam: Hey! Is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?
Cheryl: [gasping] I mean, I'm not a labor attorney...
Malory: Yes! It is entirely too much to ask!
Pam: I thought so, yeah. I'll pass that on to who or whomever asked.
Sterling: Woo hoooo! Air boat!
Sterling: Happy, Cyril? You just destroyed Alderaan!
Sterling: California is assholes.
Lana: You really think I'm sexy and empowered?
Rona: Oh, my god, you're like a brown Boudica.
Sterling: I have cancer.
Pam: Of the tits!
Cyril: Hey, so how did you know where I was?
Agent: When we first started going out I may have
[quickly]
Agent: injected a tracking device into your body.
Cyril: In my body? No! Now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Agent: Baby? Hun, do you really want to open this can of "trust-breachy" worms right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
Cyril: [long pause] I do not.
Agent: You do not.
Cyril: How do you keep track of all these lies?
Sterling: Practice, Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.
Cyril: In your job.
Sterling: Sure.
Len: [after Barry reads Archer's "burn notice" out loud] Ah, it must have killed her to do this.
Barry: And I'm smirking.
Len: No, you don't smirk at a mother's suffering, Barry! You asshole.
[Punches Barry's wounded arm]
Barry: Ow! It's just with the shattered femur and the gunshot wound, and - I don't know if you knew this - but Framboise and I were kind of engaged.
Len: I did not know that.
Barry: Yeah.
Len: And I served her up like a pudding.
Barry: Well, engaged to be engaged.
[Trexler punches his arm again]
Barry: Ow!
Len: Ass. If you love it, put a ring on it. Okay, so... Okay, you go fix this.
Barry: You know, I'm not even sure I want to now. She was obviously into him.
[Trexler punches his arm again]
Barry: Ow!
Len: Ass! Not Framboise! Archer!
Barry: The burn notice? His mother just obviously sent that to...
Len: ...to every agency on the planet. Look at this: the CIA, MI6 Interpol. We can't keep him now, Barry.
Barry: Oh, so...
Len: So you take him to the basement, you put one in his ear. Can you do that?
Barry: Oh...
[Overlapping Archer's first word]
Sterling: [Enters office zipping up pants] Oh, my god! That Framboise is a freak, huh?
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Pam: [after head-butting an archduke] Oh, sorry, your archdukeness.
Ray: I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like violence against an archduke ever led to somethin' bad.
Malory: Thank you, dear. For a moment there I thought I was going to be unhappy.
Sterling: Jesus! You want to blow us all to shit, Sherlock?
[Archer slaps the face of a man attempting to light a cigarette]
Malory: Sterling!
Capt. Lammers: For the last time, the Excelsior is filled with non-flamable helium!
Pam: Hmm? Infiltrated the enemy, huh?
Nurple,: The what?
Pam: Enema! Just talkin' about enemas, and how clean and fresh they make you feel. I mean, not you, per se, but people, you know, in general, I guess. And kids also, maybe, I don't know what kids are into these days. Are whippets still a thing? Point is... shitter's clogged.
Conway: Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?
Lana: Meaning?
Conway: "As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?
Lana: [chuckling] Yeah, you are definitely concussed.
Sterling: Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?
Conway: Uh...
Doctor: [flashback] So, what's new? How you been?
Conway: Shhharper Image?
Lana: Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.
Sterling: Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?
Lana: Hey, we are leaving in five, so...
Sterling: Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.
[drinks some from a straw, coughs]
Sterling: Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.
[at poker night]
Cyril: Jeezy petes, an inside straight? Damn it!
[everyone groans and complains as Ray rakes in his chips]
Ray: Got three on the hip, I need four for the weekend! I'm goin' to Hotlanta!
Cheryl: Have fun, I hope you get hate-crimed.
Cyril: Hey, whoa!
Doctor: Goddamn, woman.
Ray: Seriously.
Pam: I'll hate-crime your ass right here!
Ray: You know what?
Cyril: Guys! Come on! Can't we have one poker night without a hate crime?
Cheryl: Okay, A, the thing last month wasn't a hate crime...
[cutaway to the previous game with Cheryl on top of the poker table, screaming and sticking a gun in Pam's mouth, while everyone watches in horror]
Cheryl: Because I will straight-flush your brains out the back of your SKULL!
[cut to present]
Cheryl: ... it was just a regular crime.
Ray: And obviously now I put my gun in the timelock safe until the game's over.
Cyril: And so basically, the only thing keeping you from murdering each other is a lack of access to firearms.
Pam: Works for Canada.
Cheryl: Nothing works for Canada.
Ray: I have prosthetic legs.
Sterling: And plus you're a woman.
Lana: Yeah, a PREGNANT woman!
Sterling: [after watching the demo video for his new Dodge Challenger] It makes the Mach Five look like a vagina!
Sterling: Are you shitting me?
Pam: I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd.
Pam: Sploosh.
Sterling: I'm sure you did, mother, but, apparently, Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...
Malory: [said to Seamus] So are you if you piddle in here. And that goes double for number two, mister man, so you just hold it in.
Sterling: Wow. Ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.
Pam: [Sound of machine-gun fire] Oh, my God, did you hear that?
Cheryl: What do you think it is?
Malory: Immigrants! That's all they do, you know - just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.
Malory: Cyril, go do whatever it is you do...
Sterling: Like suck at stuff.
Malory: ...and leave this to people who are more qualified.
Sterling: At not sucking at stuff.
Barry: It's cold in here.
Len: Because she's here! The big, bad lady is here and she is cold.
Malory: Len! What's going on?
Len: You're mean. And I don't like you! And I don't want ISIS or you. All I want is this lettuce and his brother.
Sterling: Rabbert Klein.
Len: Rabbert Klein! So Barry, you ass.
Barry: Yeah.
Len: For the love of all things green, take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.
Kenny: My boys are bad ass.
Cyril: Well, so am- Lana. And I'm learning. Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
Kenny: The drunk guy?
Cyril: Well, he may have seemed drunk, but he's...
Lana: [off-screen] ... still drinking?
Sterling: [next scene] Relax, Lana, it's just a bloody mary.
Sterling: [toward bartender] And by the way, not a great one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.
Lana: Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours, this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
Sterling: [chuckling] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?
Lana: Ugh, the New Scotland Front *has* guns, and they're not afraid to use them, so...
Sterling: So OK, God! I'll switch to coffee.
Sterling: [to bartender] Hey, Heinz fifty-*six*, can I get an Irish coffee?
Lana: No!
Sterling: Lana, I have to taper off!
Lana: [cradling a baby] But you said I could hold him!
Trinette: You've been holding him, and you've been drinking, and your hands are so damn big.
Lana: But...
Trinette: I don't want you to crush him.
Lana: But I'm gentle.
Pam: Lana...
Ray: Give her the rabbit, Lenny!
Agent: Uhh... Kill... Kill... God, when do I get to the end so I can see what Cyril said?
Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam: I seriously think you're scary!
Cheryl: No, no no no... Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk, and you think, "Yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth to mouth." But instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is him squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just "flurr", falls right onto your popped out eyeball...
Pam: Jesus Christ!
Cheryl: I know, right?
Agent: What the hell!
Cheryl: I'm wet just thinking about it.
Agent: Cyril! Cyril, you get your ass out here right now!
Cheryl: Is she freaking 'cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny the Intern?
Pam: No, I think it's 'cause he said he wanted to marry her.
Cheryl: She's so weird... Hey, will you choke me a little bit?
Lana: Since when do you care about other people's feelings?
Sterling: Well, unlike you, Lana, I have empathy. Oh, wait. Uh, sympathy?
Pam: I think it's "symphony".
Sterling: A black astronaut, Cyril. That's like killing a unicorn!
Lana: Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just shit-tons of weed...
Sterling: Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.
Sterling: [shouting] Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin' face!
Burt: You're kidding me...
Sterling: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
Burt: You should get a bat-pole.
Sterling: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt: What?
Sterling: Lowest quote I got.
Burt: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sterling: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like, "But what do we do with the garbage?"
Burt: Yeah, but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
Sterling: I know!
Burt: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Sterling: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt: And you were gonna pay for it yourself.
Sterling: Yep.
Burt: No assessment or anything.
Sterling: Yep.
Burt: Ridiculous.
Sterling: Preaching to the choir buddy.
Sterling: Cyril's about half a wreck, huh?
Pam: Yeah. So why do you pick on him?
Sterling: I... Oh, was that not rhetorical?
Woodhouse: Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
Sterling: Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?
Sterling: How could I ever trust her? You know, plus she obviously makes bad decisions.
Manu: [Passing Archer and Poovey on the stairs] I'll say.
Sterling: You'll say what?
Manu: What?
Sterling: Goddammit, Manu, if...
Mallory: [Out of scene] Sterling.
Manu: [Chuckles] Mama wants you.
Sterling: Don't call her that.
Pam: [Pointing at Manu's butt as he walks up the stairs] Oh, I would just murder that.
Sterling: Me too.
Pam: I meant sexually.
Sterling: I meant murder-ly.
Woodhouse: Let's liven things up, Burroughs. Five grams of junk says I can shoot a piña colada off your wife's head.
Sterling: So, here's the thing - i need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your call. No? Hard it is, then!
[shoots the door, bullet hits Brett]
Brett: AAH!
Sterling: Oh, god. Sorry.
Brett: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: I forgot that - did I get you?
Brett: What is wrong with you?
Sterling: Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you.
Cheryl: Yes, I spent like every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about
[link=nm1118823]
Cheryl: . Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Sterling: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Not THAT, ass. Prove you're really a Tunt.
[Archer and Conway are clinched, naked. After they separate, Archer looks down]
Conway: What, you, uh, you see something you like?
Sterling: Wh- no, you... queer.
Conway: [laughs] Oh, *I'm* queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.
Sterling: Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.
Brett: Hah! That little...
[Archer shoots Brett]
Conway: Oh shit!
Brett: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: See that?
Brett: Again!
Sterling: He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.
Conway: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."
Sterling: Damn it!
Lana: Go ahead and say it.
Sterling: What?
Lana: How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.
Sterling: Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.
Sterling: He's a Master Chef, Lana, which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above Architect.
Sterling: Would you say we'd be venturing into a zone of danger?
Commander: Well, yes. Obviously.
Sterling: No, but I mean how would you phrase that?
Commander: The zone will be one of danger?
Sterling: No, I mean. Not if you'd say the thing that. Forget it. Nevermind.
Lana: God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self-exam.
Pam: Hey, about we check each other?
Lana: So, what's next? Do you, um...
Pam: [pokes Lana's breast] Boop!
Pam: Come at me, bro!
Cheryl: Oh my god! How much cancer was in him?
Mr. Deadly: Sorry, what was your name?
Cheryl: There's some debate on that.
Lana: But if you didn't, uh OK, so where would Archer get that much cocaine?
Malory: Well, who knows with him. Maybe wherever he got that new kind of V.D. none of the doctors had ever seen before.
Lana: Wha.. when was that?
Pam: Yeah, when was that?
Cheryl: Seriously, when...
Malory: Trust me, if you had it, you'd know.
Pam: Whew!
Lana: I loathe knowing that I had sex with the same person as you two.
Pam: What? You had sex with *me*.
Lana: No, I...
[gasps]
Lana: Oh, my god, that's right.
Malory: Ha!
Pam: What are you laughing at?
Malory: Oh, my god, that's right.
Lana: Morphine! Dahh, I don't need... ahhh...
Sterling: Yeah?
Lana: Yeah. That actually feels waaaaay better.
Sterling: Good. Then get up. You're sitting on the beer.
Lana: [referring to a painting] Even though it's very delicate, it can withstand a surprising amount of shit.
Sterling: Wait, is this an extremely ill-phrased analogy about my penis?
Lana: Yes, Archer, it is, because everything, everywhere, every when is about the paragon of adequacy that is your dick.
Sterling: Oh, man. What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Sterling: Ewwww.
Lana: Figure of speech.
Sterling: Still, though. Ewwww.
Malory: All right, we want this to look like a classic hooker murder/suicide. So... Cyril take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Cyril: Wait, what.
Malory: Everyone shoots the chippy!
Sterling: Well, all of my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Sterling: Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.
Lord: Good show, Archer! You really saved my bacon.
Sterling: Huh?
Lord: You really saved my bacon.
Sterling: Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you, Santa Claus!
[Archer covers his face as he weeps]
Sterling: I do!
Cyril: Do you know how hard I worked on this budget? Nights, weekends, cancelled my vacation, and, and now it's all wasted.
Pam: Wasted. Exactly. Let's go be that. C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's, chikka chikka chow.
Cyril: Ugh, is that what it sounds like?
Pam: Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.
Bucky: We hold erection for king!
Sterling: Well, that's flattering. It's not really necessary.
Noah: He means elections.
Cheryl: It's not you, it's your weak womany hands. It's like being choked by a child, which I thought would be hot, but...
Dr. Krieger: Wait, I can take steroids!
Lana: [Talking to Slater] Why are your plans always so complicated? You're like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones. Out.
Ray: Aaah! Derby Day. Wore that exact same hat.
Sterling: Shock.
Malory: Well, at least I'm not a sex addict!
Sterling: And cue the collective sigh of relief.
Malory: Oh, shut up.
Sterling: [Repeated line, after failing to think up a witty comeback in time] Damn it, I had something for this!
Malory: What is the point of these situations...
Sterling: Crenshaw's arousal?
Malory: - if you don't take them seriously?
Sterling: Kinda wishing I'd taken my training more seriously right about now.
Pam: Okay, let's go put some stank on it!
Cheryl: Beep, beep, beep.
Pam: Oh you're giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
Sterling: I'm going to be pretty upset if I end up having to murder Kenny Loggins.
Sterling: [with a southern accent] Ma, they got ol' Lando this time.
Sterling: [coughs up some blood] I'm done for.
Lana: Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.
Sterling: You really think so?
[sound of a vehicle approaching]
Lana: I mean, maybe.
[a hearse drifts a corner and races up to them]
Lana: Although that can't bode well.
[last lines]
Sterling: So, uh, is that a yes or a maybe or... what?
[pause]
Sterling: Oh, OK, I guess just pout.
Pam: Well, thank God for them internets.
Lana: Hey! Enough, you two!
Sterling: Tell him that!
Lana: Pretty sure I just did.
Sterling: Look how tiny this room is.
Malory: Oh, my God, it's like a broom closet.
Sterling: And yet, a surprising amount of storage.
Malory: Oh, shut up. And Cyril, very eager to know why you're still here.
Agent: He was just...
Cyril: ...helping Lana get settled.
Sterling: Trust me, Cyril, she already settled.
Cyril: You slept with her too!
Sterling: When I was bored!
Lana: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?
Sterling: Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.
Sterling: Seriously, Lana. This must be what it's like to have sex with me.
Lana: How could an air boat be selfish?
Malory: Counterfeit cancer drugs?
Sterling: Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.
Sterling: Oh, come on. What kind of world would it be if every person I insulted made my life worse?
Mover: I don't know. A better one?
Sterling: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Burt: Well, calling yourself that can't help.
Kintaru: How can I relax when we are at war?
Sterling: We're not! Here.
[Archer taps his phone, shows it to him]
Sterling: Shut up. Look. Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri.
[swipe]
Sterling: Here's all the VJ Day parades in America. Here's
[swipe]
Sterling: The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. That's Lupus and Tanner. Oh, and
[swipe]
Sterling: here's a link to an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man about this exact thing we're doing right now!
Kintaru: The "six million" who?
Sterling: [sighs] God, we've got so much to catch up on. Okay, so there's this guy, Steve Austin, and he was an astronaut, but- damn. Wait. Okay, So, an astronaut...
Kintaru: [takes the phone] What is this thing? This device?
Sterling: It's a telephone, kinda, that talks to outer space, and also a- shit!
Kintaru: What?
Sterling: [takes phone back] I'm supposed to go find a computer.
Kintaru: [chuckles] Here? There are no building in the jungle big enough to hold a computer!
Sterling: No, they're really smal now. I think you guys actually did that.
Sterling: Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.
Woodhouse: These are all black.
Sterling: Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black and five in a slightly darker black?
Cyril: For God's sake, Pam. Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a war crime.
Pam: Don't blame me. It's those new low flow toilets. With the old ones you could flush a dachshund puppy. I mean, not that you would.
[last lines]
Lana: [moved to tears] Archer. Archer, that is the sweetest thing anybody has ever given me, ever.
Sterling: Well, yeah. But, I mean, the big present, obviously, is, uh...
Sterling: [gestures to the band] "Danger Zone"?
Lana: "Danger Zone".
Sterling: The... Lana, the song.
Cherlene,170147: [singing] Highway to
Kenny: the
Cherlene,170147: Danger Zone / Right into the Danger Zo-o-o-o-one... / Ooh
Lana: Oh. Oh, okay.
Sterling: "Danger Zone", Lana. You know how I'm always saying "Danger Zone"?
Lana: Uh, kinda? Yes?
Sterling: Well...
Lana: It's from a song?
Sterling: [frustrated anger] Yes, it's from a song! Recorded by Grammy winner and possible Faustian bargain-maker Kenny goddamn Loggins!
Lana: [chuckles] Okay, calm down.
[pause to watch them play]
Lana: So who's beard guy?
Sterling: [scoffs] Are you...? That's Kenny Loggins!
Lana: [gasps] From Kenny Loggins Roasters?
[gives Lana a stern look]
Kenny: [singing] Gonna take you
Cherlene,170147: right into the Danger Zone / Highway to the Danger Zone / Right into the Danger Zone
Sterling: Say your name.
Benoit: [sighs] Benoit.
Sterling: Balls.
Lana: Well, that is what portentous means...
Sterling: Where'd you learn all that stuff?
Pam: You know I grew up on a farm, right?
Sterling: Really hoping that's not relevant.
Lana: Screw you, Archer! Sullen wench?
Sterling: Come on, Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!
Lana: You had to make it look good?
Sterling: And also annoy you.
Lana: Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?
Sterling: 8 rounds?
Lana: Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.
Sterling: OK, thanks, Rain Man; your point?
Lana: Malory's clip was empty, but she claims she only fired three rounds.
Sterling: Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of shit, because that would mean she called the cops on herself.
Lana: Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.
Sterling: Oh, my god! Do the math, Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.
Lana: Plus the one in her arm.
Sterling: [laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh, my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years, and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy shit - she killed him.
Lana: And got us to dispose of the body.
Sterling: But why?
Lana: Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?
Malory: [Flashback - Malory removes her trench coat] Honey, you still got it!
Sterling: So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way, do you want to go for a slice?
[Thinks about it]
Sterling: God, what is with me and Italian lately?
Woodhouse: Not much left of the old Double Deuce any more. We're all dying off.
Sterling: Yeah, uhh, not a huge surprise.
Malory: Good God! You'd think he's half fainting goat.
Sterling: I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.
Mallory: New rule! No more office gun play.
Pam: Fine by me; knives and chains are so much more... intimate.
Pam: You know you got shot, right?
Cheryl: For your information, this is a prior wound.
Kintaru: Shit. Come. We must go now.
Sterling: Not yet. I gotta blow this thing.
Kintaru: [guerillas approaching] Then blow it, and then come!
Sterling: [sighs] I mean, really? It's like why even...
Conway: Now, whom can I thank for these shrimp?
Cheryl: Me!
[Rips open her blouse]
Cheryl: Your secret Jew Santa.
Pam: Oh, my God! You two banged?
Cyril: I thought to myself, "What would Lana do?"
Sterling: Not Archer?
Cyril: I had to outsmart them.
Malory: What is it with you people and reefer?
Lana: Do you mean musicians or Negroes?
Malory: Pick one.
Sterling: Way to go, Chokely Carmichael!
Sterling: Wow, what a pussy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
Lana: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
Sterling: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
Cheryl: [post-coital] Conway! That was amazing!
Conway: Yeah, so uh... okay...
[he leaves]
Cheryl: [to herself] Oh my God, I hope I'm pregnant!
Slater: [raises fist] Yeah, you know what this is?
Sterling: Your best gal?
Pam: Jeez, LaRue. Can you believe this? A mandatory meeting at 7 am? Wonder what crawled up her butt?
Cheryl: Ugh, there's no telling. Our bodies are aswarm with microscopic organisms, Pam. Literally, a swarm.
Doctor: [Shows up with a thermos] Wait, what? What have you heard?
Pam: About the staff meeting?
Doctor: Oh, right, yes. Never mind.
Cyril: [Shows up with Ray] Then may I suggest we get up there, so we don't have to find out what "grave consequences" means.
Cheryl: [Scoffs] It means...
Cyril: In the context of her memo!
Malory: This is the last time you make me out a fool, Len Trexler. You wanna play me hard?
Sterling: Phrasing.
Len: You know I do.
Malory: Well then you'd better nut up.
Sterling: Phrasing.
Malory: Because I've swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!
Sterling: Hey! Phrasing!
Malory: And we'll see who's smirking when ISIS steals that diamond for real!
Len: Oh, you're a naughty girl.
Malory: Right, then, commence Operation Rub Len Trexler's Big Fat Nose in it.
Sterling: Yeah. Sounds like you already have.
Agent: Wait. You want us to break back into the palace which now has the insane amount of security we recommended, plus god knows how many ODIN guys?
Malory: Yes, so take more of that poison.
Agent: And on top of that suck salad, you want to sprinkle on the bacon bits of "Oh, hey, let's tell them we're coming"?
Malory: Well?
Agent: Well, there's this new thing called the element of surprise?
Woodhouse: Hell indeed, sir, because, one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce... are being murdered.
Sterling: Oh, my God. Are we out of Bloody Marys?
Sterling: That was totally ninja!
Malory: Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
Sterling: [On recording] Hello?
Malory: Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
Sterling: Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.
Malory: Oh, for God's sake.
Sterling: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
Malory: Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
Sterling: Hold on, hold on! Hang on!
Malory: Pick up, Sterling. Pick...
[Vase smashes and cat meows]
Sterling: I got it.
Malory: Sterling?
Sterling: Don't hang up!
[Pans clatter then answering machine beeps]
Sterling: Hello?
Malory: Sterling, it's...
Sterling: Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.
[Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]
Sterling: The El Camino is not a car...
Ray: Truck, whatever!
Sterling: ...nor is it a truck, it's a...
Lana: ...vehicular hermaphrodite?
Sterling: Shut up!
[repeated line]
Lance: Boom, bumper!
Bucky: But I shoot gun many times and in all excitement I lose track myself, huh. So now you thinking, did he fire eight shots or only...
Sterling: Four, idiot.
Pam: State dependent memory!
Cyril: So your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking, shit-faced drunk as were last night in the hopes that we remember the password.
Sterling: Shoot, bitch! Democracy's at stake!
Lana: Was the cat suit *really* necessary?
Mallory: For me? No, it's more for the public.
Sterling: Ugh, still got it.
Lana: Thank you, Sterling.
Sterling: And by "it", I mean this image burned into my retinas till the end of time.
Mallory: Lucky boy.
Sterling: Lana... Lana... Lana... LLAANNAA!
Agent: WHAT?
Sterling: ...Danger Zone!
Sterling: You better call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the danger zone.
Agent: I am sick of you getting the best assignments just because your mother's the boss! Do you know how that feels?
Sterling: Besides awesome?
Sterling: There's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that. Ugh, I touched my mother's dildo.
Cheryl: Apparently my great-grandpa was nuts for skating... that and the klan.
Cyril: This isn't my fault.
Sterling: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
Cyril: You cheated on Lana plenty!
Sterling: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Sterling: Yeah, they were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh.
Sterling: Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.
Lana: How many are there?
Sterling: About a bajillion.
Lana: Damn it!
Sterling: Bajillion gay little copycats.
Lana: What?
Sterling: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.
Lana: Archer.
Sterling: The tactleneck!
Sterling: Who hunts dogs?
Pam: [off camera] Orientals, duh!
Malory: Dammit, I told Sterling six o'clock!
Sterling: I *thought* you meant six *A.*M.
Malory: No, six - Sterling, are you drunk?
Sterling: [Drunk, loud, and incoherent] Winner!
Kenny: Nice.
Lana: Archer...
Malory: You knew we were transporting a dangerous terrorist to Canada! So how and why you are drunk at six o'clock?
Sterling: [Slurring] Well, the how's pretty self-explanatory, and the why is because...
Sterling: [hiccough] I thought we were leaving at six *A.*M. *tomorrow*. Ergo - Latin - plenty of time to sleep it off.
Noah: Pirates work for shares, and since you became a pirate king there hasn't been any booty, so...
Sterling: I'm going to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.
Noah: From pirated ships.
Sterling: Oh, I thought you meant from all the...
Noah: Native girls.
Sterling: You're all rigid and stiff, which, you know, I'm all for, huh huh rimshot, but not on the range.
Rona: Ohmigod, this is going to be...
Sterling: Don't say it! I swear to God!
Rona: [whispered] Amazing!
Sterling: No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent: [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling: That's why I dumped her.
Agent: You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling: See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!.
Sterling: What? You hear machine guns and decide now's a good time to take out the... oh. Oh, that's groceries. I'm sorry. I thought it was garbage.
Sterling: I'm serious, Ray, I'm about to punch you in the face with your own fists.
Ray: First of all, you are a MEAN drunk on germicide.
Sterling: It's Blue Curaçao, you dumb idiot. Giuseppe keeps it in the back for me.
Ray: Well, then, you're a mean drunk on Blue Curaçao.
Sterling: I know. I'm actually banned for life from Willemstad.
Ray: Well, their loss. Now come on, put your money where your fat blue mouth is!
Sterling: No! We're not doubling the bet!
Ray: Come on, don't you have faith in your man?
[they look at Krieger, who is dancing around the barber shop, pretending to do karate moves]
Doctor: Shoo-shoo-shoo! Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo!
Sterling: Krieger!
Doctor: [ignoring him] Shooooo... sha-shoooo...
Sterling: [to Ray] I do not, no.
Ray: Well, I got faith in mine, 'cause he is lookin' muy Rico Suave.
Cyril: Oh, well, heh-heh. Gracias, amigo.
Sterling: [scoffs] More like Rico... Not Suave.
Ray: He said, like a drunk jealous bitch.
Sterling: I'm not drunk! Wait, I AM drunk.
Malory: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice.
Woodhouse: Straightaway, mum.
Malory: Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor.
[crushes the drink glass she was holding]
Sterling: Oh, whoa.
Lana: You're not emasculating Krieger.
Doctor: What the hell was the mirror for?
Malory: So you could watch.
Sterling: Eat a dick, Gort.
Mr. Deadly: As I said, doomsday device, designed by a race to whom mutual destruction was preferrable to defeat. I was hidden away on the edge of space, but the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis concluded without me. So, there I remained, my only companions: the velvety dark and solitude itself.
Sterling: And then?
Mr. Deadly: I got bored, so I nabbed you out of hyperspace to help me explode, at which point, I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.
Cheryl: [giggling and fanning herself with her hand] Who else is turned on right now?
Rip: He's been here voluntarily, partying his ass off, as king of the pirates!
Sterling: Well, then, it sucks to be you!
Malory: You'll be who it will suck to be if I have to call my bridge partner!
Sterling: Oooh! Who's your bridge partner?
Malory: The district attorney.
Sterling: So?
Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face. And she says she can't go to a hospital because she's, I quote, "tripping balls".
Sterling: [Awkward pause] You know when I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.
Lana: Pam, you okay?
Pam: [very angry] Do you people even give a shit? Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day, and nobody even tries to rescue me?
Ray: Archer's fault.
Sterling: Shut up!
Pam: YOU shut up, Mister "Pam's Not Worth It!" Then you stupid a-holes shoot a jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me!
Malory: Not me! I wasn't shooting!
Pam: And YOU, the worst of the bunch!
Malory: Me? Why me?
Pam: Five thousand measly dollars?
Malory: You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I-I-I had some wiggle room!
Pam: Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whipping five thousand bucks worth of your ass!
Lana: Hey, whoa, Pam!
Sterling: Lana. Let her have this one.
Malory: Sterling! Somebody? Anybody?
Doctor: Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?
Malory: Huh. I never thought about that.
Sterling: Was that so hard, Count Snackula?
Malory: Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam: Too dead to read good news?
Malory: Is it my obituary?
Pam: Well, it's not that good.
Pam: You hear that, Miss Archer? We're all on board for the big win-win out here.
Malory: Well I'm not. Do your worst, Krieger!
Doctor: Okay!
Cheryl: Oh, my God, yes!
Malory: Yes! Go ahead, crank up the heat. I'm as naked as the day I was born.
Doctor: Oh, yes!
Pam: Naked or not!
Cyril: Well, don't keep saying it.
Pam: You can't stay in there forever.
Malory: Ha! I'll outlast you. I'm naked, and I've got half a lime, and almost... nearly two-thirds of a half-gallon of
[bottle breaks]
Malory: ... Shit.
Pam: Now we've got her!
Malory: Ha! I'll suck it right off this grimy linoleum before I give into you belly-achers. You've got nothing!
Sterling: That's good, because I have waited my entire life to say this exact phrase.
[Archer draws his sawed-off double-barreled shotgun]
Sterling: I am commandeering this airboat!
Lana: At least this time you fired downrange.
Rona: And oh, my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.
Brett: Totally my fault.
Rona: Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.
Brett: I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.
Rona: Oh, my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
Lana: Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Sterling: OK.
[pause]
Sterling: It's not, though.
Sterling: Yeah, tell me how my father might be Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB, or Len Trexler, head of ODIN. I assume those are my only choices.
Malory: Ahem.
Sterling: Oh my. Who else?
Malory: Gene Krupa.
Sterling: What!
Malory: No, wait.
Sterling: The drummer?
Malory: Not Krupa, the other one with the teeth. Buddy Rich.
Sterling: Oh my.
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Sterling: Could you say no to anybody?
Malory: [Slaps Sterling Archer] I said no to plenty.
Sterling: [Calling to Gabrielle as she walks away from the train] Gabrielle!
[Returning to train seat next to Lana]
Lana: Aww, you liked her, didn't you?
Sterling: I don't know.
Lana: But you didn't realize till just now, huh?
Sterling: Mmm, maybe.
Lana: I mean, I thought she was great.
Sterling: Whatever.
Lana: I mean smart, charming... and those cans! Am I right?
Sterling: Yeah, they looked pretty squeezy.
Lana: Thinking maybe instead of asking her out to make me jealous, you should've just asked her out because she's awesome.
[Lana stands and exits train. Archer sits alone]
[Ray finds Malory drunk and vomiting in the bathroom]
Ray: Don't get any on that snappy suit.
Malory: Don't you have better things to do than mince around and gawk?
Ray: About a million. But Cheryl was scared to come in here, so I took time out of my busy mincing schedule to tell you that you have a phone call.
Malory: [gasps] Is it Sterling?
Ray: I am sure I don't know.
Malory: Do you know you're a little bitch?
Ray: Will you remember this conversation?
Malory: Probably not, no.
Ray: Well, then, fuck off.
[first lines]
Slater: [V.O. on establishing location shot] Wait. What happened? I thought you were gonna renovate this place.
Malory: As did I, but I was betrayed by a lying little country music wannabe.
Cheryl: [shouting from outside the room] Was that directed at me?
Malory: Yes! Who else?
Cheryl: [shouting] I don't know who all lies to you!
[intercom beeps]
Cheryl: [sweetly over intercom] Also, there's a Mr. Slater here to see you.
Slater: It's just "Slater". It's a mononym, like...
Malory: Jesus Christ!
Slater: Nope.
Lana: Sorry!
Sterling: Whooooo!
Lana: It really is an emergency!
Sterling: Of an awesome and ass-kicking nature!
Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: It's Carol.
Sterling: Uh, since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Chant: What do we want?
Strikers: Unfair!
Chant: When do we want it?
Strikers: Change!
Cheryl: Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing!
[hugs Malory]
Malory: Pam! What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
[keeps texting]
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry, I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer?
Malory: Oh, for the love. And would you get off? Breath!
Cyril: Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word.
Doctor: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.
Doctor: A what? That... what are you...? I don't have one of those!
[Flashback to Krieger's laboratory with a lot of squealing and a gun shot]
Doctor: ... Any more.
[last lines]
Sterling: ...I was here...
Sterling: [drinks] ... half drunk and having amazing sex.
Pam: Well, I wouldn't say amazing.
[pause]
Pam: What? Come on, you were pushin' rope!
[first lines]
Sterling: Shh!
Lana: That crazy son of a... Come on!
Cyril: Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?
Lana: Uh, because I'm not a giant pussy.
Cyril: Although, somehow, incredibly single.
Lana: What? I go on... tons of dates!
Cyril: With who?
Lana: Men. Men models. Men who model.
Cyril: Hey, will I get to learn karate?
Sterling: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Cyril: Krav?
Sterling: We've got an ex-Mossad guy; comes in on Thursdays.
Cyril: Neato.
Sterling: Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.
Sterling: Non-lethal violence is my second favorite kind!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Yes, so, heh heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?
Malory: Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did... which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard the "Chum Guzzler"!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Oh, ha ha ha! I am just getting that!
Sterling: Come, render the salad unto Caesar.
Sterling: [Archer is lost in the jungle and has spotted a bottle of tequila] Oh, goddess of the jungle, I take it all back, for when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my... .
[Archer steps into a trap and is hanging upside down]
Sterling: Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.
Lana: What would cheer Malory up? What does she like?
Pam: Archer and money and liquor.
Lana: Besides that.
Cheryl: Some different liquor.
Sterling: [In a deadlock with George] Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Do you hear that?
George: Hear what?
Sterling: That crunching noise?
[Headbutts and breaks George's nose]
Cheryl: [as Malory takes a grape off the serving table and pops it in her mouth] Holy shit, did she just eat a grape?
Pam: Must be her cheat day.
Sterling: Un-uh. Pam, I will end you.
Commander: What the hell is going on here?
Sterling: Uh, an electrical fire in the simulator. And knowing that my colleague's life was in danger, I...
Commander: Acted without thinking.
Lana: As always.
Sterling: Not always...
Commander: Well, thank God you did.
Sterling: ...But almost always!
Malory: Why not?
Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also cannot be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory: So make her forty.
Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
[Malory hits Cyril on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine]
Sterling: That's silvertip badger, kid. Do you know how much this cost?
[Archer takes shaving brush from wee baby Seamus, who starts crying]
Sterling: No. Don't. Hey, come on.
[Archer hands brush back to Seamus]
Sterling: Here. God! Baby!
Malory: Pam!
Pam: I will stop, but I will not apologize.
Sterling: Come on, 22 black. 22 black! 22 black-ass son of a bitch! Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
Cheryl: Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing.
Sterling: Seriously Krieger, you are my Oprah.
Sterling: Oh, and I also got stabbed.
[Cyril writing pros and cons on the board]
Sterling: How is that a pro, you dick?
Cyril: Uh, learning experience?
Sterling: Well, joke's on you; I didn't learn anything.
Lana: There's your fridge magnet.
Sterling: [Spoken into the bathroom mirror] You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine! You want little Countess Von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine!
Sterling: [a door is heard opening in the other room] Oh, oh, oh, and as for you, Ray, Sterling Archer may be many things...
Sterling: [Archer walks out of the bathroom] ... but he is not...
Sterling: [Archer sees Anka just inside the door of his hotel room] ... fine?
Anka: I think he is very fine.
Sterling: Uhh, no, no, Anka, you can't be in here.
Anka: Anka? Mr. Archer, how familiar.
[Anka walks forward, unzipping her jacket]
Anka: You must address me by my title, Countess Von Fingerbang.
Sterling: That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.
Cyril: Jesus H. Chrysler!
Pam: So then he's all like, you gotta go before my roommate gets home. And I'm like, who cares? And he's like...
Cheryl: You're a moped.
Pam: How'd you know? What's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam: Oh.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Pam: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had 10 beers.
Cheryl: 40's?
Pam: No. Yes. Hence the shandy. My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.
Sterling: Look at his tufted ears!
ISIS: Do something!
Sterling: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril! I'm shooting the gun, I'm driving the car...
ISIS: I could drive better than that!
Sterling: Well, knock yourself out, I'm ejecting.
Sterling: And, how the hell did you find me?
Malory: I didn't, the CIA did.
Sterling: Oh, and how are your new overlords?
Malory: Oh, for the- They're not- Look, think of it as more of a merger.
Sterling: Ha!
Malory: [as ISIS signage is being rolled away behind Malory] Organizations change. They evolve. They grow. Unlike some people I know.
Sterling: The two things we don't allow in here. What are they?
Woodhouse: Dogs and your mother.
Sterling: That's a very short list, isn't it?
Woodhouse: Yes, but you were quite insistent an exception be made.
Sterling: I'm always insistent, Woodhouse.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Sterling: But I'm not to be trusted, am I?
Woodhouse: No, sir. But
Sterling: Stop. Shut up. I have to go, but if I find one single dog hair when I get back I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
Sterling: I also need you to go buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Sterling: I don't know if they grade it but... coarse.
Malory: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.
Sterling: Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.
Cyril: Archer, where are you going?
Sterling: Well, judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin's got one of those kick-ass Japanese soaking tubs.
Cyril: What? After all that, you want to take a bath?
Sterling: Do you not?
[first lines]
Malory: Torvald Utne.
Sterling: The Olympic shot putter?
Malory: The chairman of the UN intelligence committee. Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?
Sterling: I have an inbox?
Malory: We have had to increase the number of field agents since someone went and got himself paralyzed.
Ray: Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.
Malory: More like "Ms."
Cyril: [smashes phone] Hated that phone. Always dropping calls, you know?
Sterling: Yeah, you're probably holding it wrong.
Cyril: Oh yeah, just like Cyril Figgis always does everything wrong, is that what you mean?
Sterling: ...Basically.
Lana: Well, if your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.
Pam: Y'know, I think we're makin' some progress.
Cheryl: Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!
Pam: We can, if certain people would help.
[She glares at Krieger, who is standing in a cardboard box fort]
Doctor: I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.
Sterling: So, about this blowjob.
Lana: Shut up.
Cheryl: Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?
Lance: Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy.
Sterling: Thank you, chef. Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
Lance: No I got these, you do the aubergines.
Sterling: Right away, chef. If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass!
Lance: Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
Sterling: Always Be Berating And Belittling.
Lance: [to Lana] And you. Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line.
Cheryl: You stood me up again last night.
Sterling: Last? Oh yeah, oh my, what happened was, um, did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much. Happened.
[pause]
Sterling: I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
Cheryl: It's Cheryl.
Cheryl: I know, OK, Cheryl.
Rip: Archer, what a coincidence; I was just talking about you.
Sterling: With who? Because that bucktoothed little shit doesn't even speak English.
Bucky: I do little bit.
Sterling: No, you don't.
Bucky: And correct syntax is "with whom".
Dr. Krieger: I still have one bullet left. It's your choice Cyril.
Cyril: Archer, I thought he used all six how many are left?
Sterling: I don't know who do I look like? Count... Bullets?
Cyril: Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?
Sterling: No! Yes. Look, shut up.
Pam: That is some high priced milf.
Sterling: Hey. Shut up, and think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother.
Pam: We could give her a milf-ectomy.
Sterling: If you say milf one more time I will shoot you in your eyeballs.
Sterling: Gravity... you utter bitch.
Sterling: Great you killed a black astronaut Cyril, that's like killing a unicorn!
Cyril: But you shot a machine gun at me.
Agent: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.
Lana: I mean, am I jealous because Archer gets preferential treatment? Yes! But, ha, am I still attracted to him? I mean, c'mon.
Ray: Is a pig's ass pork?... I'm sorry, did you want to hear what I think or just what you want to hear?
[Sips his drink]
Ray: He asked pretty sarcastically.
Sterling: What? You're black... ish.
Agent: Ish?
Sterling: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon'.
Agent: Imagine that!
Sterling: You imagine it!
Malory: Both of you imagine shutting up!
Cyril: How do you not know the different kinds of porn?
Sterling: Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril. My girlfriend's not equal parts the internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing, and a sock.
[repeated lines]
Sterling: Lana!
[No response]
Sterling: Lana!
[Still no response]
Sterling: LANAAAAAAAAAA!
Lana: WHAT?
Sterling: [singing] Danger Zone
Pam: I, for one, am going to go watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.
Cheryl: [pause] Just tape 'em up.
Sterling: Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.
Paddy: You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
Sterling: Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.
[He cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap]
Sterling: Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Paddy: Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.
Sterling: Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?
[He shoots Paddy's kneecap]
Lana: Jesus! Archer!
Sterling: What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!
Lana: Still, though!
Paddy: [screaming in pain] Oh, you son of a whore!
Sterling: [in a mocking Irish accent] Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
[He turns to the second mobster]
Sterling: Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!
[no response]
Sterling: Err-err! Need an answer!
[the mobster spits in his face]
Sterling: Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!
[He shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain]
Sterling: Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!
[He turns to the bound and gagged janitors]
Sterling: I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here; I hope that doesn't sound racist.
[He turns to Mikey]
Sterling: Okay, kid...
Lana: He IS a kid, Archer, so...
Sterling: Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...
Paddy: Mikey Hannity, you say one word, and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...
Sterling: Err-err!
[He shoots Paddy dead]
Mikey: OH, CHRIST!
Sterling: Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.
Mobster: Ha-ha, breast cancer!
[With an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead]
Sterling: So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.
Mikey: Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!
Sterling: Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.
Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!
Sterling: Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!
[Archer turns to the janitors]
Sterling: Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!
Lana: [sarcastically] Were ya?
Malory: I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet as a Pez dispenser.
Cyril: Were you raised in a barn?
Pam: No, I just slept out there a lot.
Linda: Bob, what do they want?
Sterling: Hambledurgers, Linda. Would you please go in the goddamn back.
Linda: Well, excuse me, Ike Turner. Jeez.
Sterling: Lana, introspection is the enemy of happiness. So, my advice is, don't. Always worked for me.
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: But in mean time, you think I will be safe?
Sterling: God! What's Russian for "Duh!"
Malory: The secret is negative reinforcement.
Sterling: Yeah, I'm, uhh, just getting that.
Malory: About time. Ass!
Sterling: So what's the plan here? Stuff him in a cargo hold and bug out?
Lana: No, then he just blows up a bunch of other people. We can make this work, if we just find something he likes enough to live for.
Sterling: Oh, my god! You always have to fix people, don't you? This is why our marriage didn't work.
Lana: Really? It wasn't the fact that you slept with everything on two legs.
Sterling: Hmm... not always two.
Malory: I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
Sterling: Really? But you're so...
Malory: ...grandmotherly?
Sterling: No! Old.
Ray: But do reverse cowgirl because that carpet is seriously heinous.
Sterling: Welcome to Nazi Canada!
Sterling: I'm getting my turtleneck. I'm not defusing a bomb in this!
Mallory: Driver, now we're going too fast! We're trying to follow that horse in front of us not inseminate it.
Pam: You make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.
Sterling: That wasn't so hard, was it?
Cheryl: [sniggers] That's what I said.
Sterling: A secret agent! Yeah, that's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that, but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.
Terrorist: Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing!
Sterling: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
Lana: Oh, my God, I am exhausted.
Ray: Whereas I am merely confused. If you told every guy the same thing, then they all know that none of them had sex with you, so they're all gonna realize they're all lying.
Pam: Hey, yeah.
Lana: But remember, they're dudes.
Ray: Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
Sterling: [to the federal air marshal who has demanded Archer drop his gun] Okay, relax; it's okay, we're...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: And we're on a mission to stop an ecoterrorist...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: From blowing up a gas pipeline!
[Addressing flight attendant]
Sterling: So for the love of God, woman, go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes!
Lana: Great. Way to keep a low profile.
Sterling: Thanks.
[chuckles]
Agent: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway?
Sterling: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
Agent: Wow. Okay. Glossing over *how* you know that...
Sterling: We touched penises...
Agent: No! Glossing!
Sterling: Sour mix, in a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
Cyril: But it's Stir-Friday!
Lana: Hooray.
Brett: Breast cancer? Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Sterling: [to Cyril, in Arnold Schwarzenegger accent] Your clothes. Give them to me.
Cyril: Aah!
Sterling: Haha, I'm kidding - obviously. I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater vest!
Rodney: One RPG-7 launcher and two grenade as per the note from your mother.
Sterling: Thank you... sorry, what was your name again?
Rodney: Rodney.
Sterling: Thank you... asshole.
Sterling: How could she pick Lana over me?
Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles.
Sterling: Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?
Woodhouse: No, sir.
Sterling: Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.
Woodhouse: Well played, sir.
Sterling: Thank you.
[long pause]
Sterling: Thank you.
Sterling: If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.
Pam: [to Cyril] Dude! Your balls are made of pussy.
Pam: That idea would suck a dick just to cut in line to suck a bigger dick.
Malory: [Cheryl is lying unconscious in a pool of water] Oh, my God! What the hell happened here?
Pam: Well, she and Cyril were getting it on, and Cyril lost it...
Malory: So he killed her?
Pam: No, no. And then Cheryl got all freaked out and, long story short, I had to drown her a little bit.
Malory: So *you* killed her?
Pam: [Cheryl comes to, spluttering water,] Apparently not.
Lana: Malory!
Malory: [after Lana breaks Malory's magnetic door] Jesus, do you have robotic hands?
Doctor: [holding a pair of robotic hands] Not yet, but you just say the word!
Sterling: What the hell was that?
Cheryl: Ugh. My stupid ocelot.
Sterling: I've never seen an ocelot!
Sterling: Why? In... in the sink? Is your vagina?
Katya: Why?
[laughing]
Katya: Darling, it was dirty.
Woodhouse: The remedy for which, miss, if you'll forgive my boldness...
Katya: Dah, please, Woodhouse, I think boldness is needed. What do you suggest?
Woodhouse: White vinegar, mineral oil, and elbow grease. Same thing we used in the RFC to clean the engines of our Sopwith Camels.
Sterling: [unintelligible mumbling] I... uh... . I...
Woodhouse: And so, with your permission, while you breakfast on the terrace, I'll get that little pleasure boat looking Bristol.
Sterling: [unintelligible mumbling] Br... ah...
[faints and falls to floor]
Woodhouse: I took the liberty of poaching you an egg.
Katya: Uh... is not much of a liberty considering that you are going to polish my vagina.
Woodhouse: No... no, it isn't.
Slater: He's had the clap so many times it's more like applause.
[last lines]
Malory: Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.
Trinette: What?
Sterling: Breast cancer and yes, seriously. And I don't know how it's going to turn out, so I wanted to, you know, spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.
Trinette: He's not even your real kid!
Sterling: So?
Trinette: So, it's weird.
Sterling: So is me paying you child support, Trinette, but you keep cashing the checks!
Trinette: Hey.
Sterling: I'm sorry. Come one, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son, but he's probably as close as I'm ever going to get.
Trinette: Ugh, um... Where are you taking him?
Sterling: I don't know. What's he into?
Sterling: I'm always bored.
Cyril: How are you bored?
Sterling: Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shithole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.
Cyril: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!
Cyril: Then who are those guys?
Sterling: [shouts] How should I know? KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye. I have enemies, OK?
Cyril: That's because no one likes you!
[calmly]
Cyril: Seriously, do you not sense that?
Sterling: Fuck your dolphin, Pam. Fuck your fucking dolphin.
Agent: I think she's down.
Sterling: Fuck you.
Agent: I think she peed.
Sterling: [Holding up shirt on hanger] Lana! Hey, what does this smell like?
Agent: Umm, like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago!
[Flash back to Archer and Lan in bed]
Agent: Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Sterling: You are amazing, Sweet Stuff.
Agent: Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn?
Sterling: God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're those little cookie elves.
[Lana makes a kiss noise toward Archer; his phone rings]
Sterling: Just a second.
Agent: No, Baby, don't answer that.
Sterling: I have to; sorry, it's mother.
Agent: Oh.
Sterling: Mother, hey.
Agent: I cannot believe you.
[Switches off porn]
Sterling: [On phone] Just a second.
[Turns to Lana]
Sterling: No, turn it... turn it on. I... I can do both.
[Lana gives him a side-eye glance]
Sterling: What?
Agent: So don't speak to me - ever. And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die.
[Knocks the shirt out of Archer's hand]
Sterling: Oh, really. After all that HR mediation? Really?
Sterling: [the whole Isis staff is injured after Archer crashes the space ship] Hey did I tell you guys I got a goat?
Lana: [Archer and Lana in bed, talking "afterwards"] Talking to you is like talking to a very selfish rock... with mother issues.
Sterling: Rocks don't have moms! Unless you count volcanos... but speaking of things that are hard as a rock... Great segue; that was pretty amazing, right?
Lana: Unfortunately... yes. Round 2?
[They kiss]
[first lines]
[dreaming]
Malory: And that's your message, my God who...
[wakes suddenly and grabs a gun]
Malory: Who's there? What do you want? Because all you're going to get is holes! I-I mean holes in you, not my...
Dr. Speltz: [after Archer's surgery] Not too soon for good news, I hope. Oh, and also some very bad news.
[Malory gasps]
Malory: What's the bad news?
Dr. Speltz: Oh, I have to take a rain check on that drink.
Malory: What?
Dr. Speltz: I'm on call this weekend.
[repeated line]
Malory: Sterling Malory Archer!
Cheryl: So, Krieger's a doctor!
Cyril: Not the medical kind!
Dr. Krieger: Not even the other kind...
Sterling: Oh boy...
Dr. Krieger: ...technically.
Cheryl: Does anybody's ass look good in a flight suit... no!
Slater: [gets up] So, uh, should I come back?
Malory: No. No, no, no, no, no, of course not.
Slater: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Sterling: Ugh, what is that? I've never smelled that smell in America.
Doctor: I live in a "transitional" neighborhood.
Sterling: As the crack dealers moved to nicer ones? This better be good, Krieger; I mean hula girls, a replica volcano, some...
Doctor: I have something better - a surprise.
Sterling: I HATE surprises. I mean, except for surprise fellatio. That I like... the non-Midnight Cowboy kind.
Doctor: Yeah, no, you can breathe easy.
Sterling: Actually, I can barely breathe at all.
Ray: Yeah, yeah it's just big old god-damned fairy tale.
Sterling: Fairy tale! Uhh, phrasing.
Sterling: And the last thing you need is another drink!
Lana: Ugh, seriously! How can you be drinking after last night?
Sterling: How can you not?
Lana: Because I don't have a problem.
Malory: [sighs] Well, I do...
Sterling: First step's admitting it, Mother.
Malory: What? Not with drinking!
Sterling: Eh...
Cyril: Well, he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.
Malory: Dr. Krieger's covert team installed these surveillance cameras while Limón was out shopping yesterday.
Doctor: Yep, we've got video and audio with a satellite feed back to these hard drives. Same set-up I've got in my van.
Sterling: Jesus, Krieger. You're still taping bum fights?
Doctor: No, now I'm into something... darker.
Pam: [after setting fire to the dead bodies] Yeah, I'm kinda hungry... is that weird?
Malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.
Malory: So, shut up and drive them damn bus!... Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.
Lana: Right, and your 10% of it.
Malory: Or 50 or whatever.
Lana: WHAT?
Cyril: Fifty, really?
Lana: Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?
[no reaction from others]
Lana: Nothing?
Cyril: Meh.
Malory: [a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.
Sterling: Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.
Sterling: [outside the bathroom] So, uh, hey, hi, I'm, uh, Sterling Archer. You- you may remember me from the strip club and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible sex that I've personally ever had. Uh... hello? Oh right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an- an implied oral agreement about heroin, but...
[Archer opens the bathroom door]
Pam: Heroin?
Sterling: What-?
Pam: [on the toilet] That's the last freakin' thing I need!
Pam: [straining] I'm bound up tighter'n Dick's hat band.
Sterling: Oh no, no, no, not- Wait... were you? Did- did we...?
Pam: Yeah, we did it and you loved it!
Sterling: [weakly] No, that's not... I can't...
[Archer passes out. Pam strains out a fart]
Lana: Did you see me?
Ray: Yeah.
Lana: Holding the baby?
Ray: It looked like Tyson holding that dove.
Lana: Listen, bitch...
Ray: Ahh! Careful, because in about three drinks you're gonna get all boo-hooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
Lana: What?
Ray: You watch.
Lana: No I won't.
Pam: You guys should totally do that! The mochaccino ones are the cutest! Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though. So, can you say "Best Dancer Ever"?
Pam: [sitting on toilet] Ah, man, am I missing all the hot Asian group action?
Cheryl: [looking out window through binoculars] No, nobody's doing anything. Well... Lana's destroying the toilet.
Pam: Join the club.
Cheryl: Ugh. That's what you get for eating elk.
Male: [as man with no pants walks by] Absolutely enormous. I .. I mean does he need special pants?
Female: I swear to God, it looked at me.
Malory: But wait, Krieger, the body, the bathroom, how did you...
Doctor: Shhhhhhhhhhhh... you do not want to know. Although you probably want to go wash your lips.
Malory: EW!
Related Content You May Interest
Movies & TV Shows
The Best Future Man Quotes
The Best Blood & Gold Quotes
50 Best Trolls Quotes
100 Best Las Vegas Quotes
700 Best Justice League Unlimited Quotes
The Best The Flight Attendant Quotes
200 Best Beauty and the Beast Quotes
Top 100 Quotes From The Shawshank Redemption
The Best City of Lies Quotes
20 Best V Quotes
Top 50 Quotes From Grand Theft Auto V
Top 30 Quotes From The Thundermans
Characters & Artists
50 Best Julia Sugarbaker Quotes
Top 50 Quotes From Dixie Carter
30 Best Mary Jo Shively Quotes
100 Best Annie Potts Quotes
The Best Anthony Bouvier Quotes
20 Best Meshach Taylor Quotes
30 Best Charlene Frazier Stillfield Quotes
100 Best Jean Smart Quotes
50 Best Suzanne Sugarbaker Quotes
Top 50 Quotes From Delta Burke
The Best Bernice Clifton Quotes
The Best Alice Ghostley Quotes
The Best Carlene Frazier Dobber Quotes
30 Best Jan Hooks Quotes
The Best Allison Sugarbaker Quotes
Top 20 Quotes From Julia Duffy
The Best B.J. Poteet Quotes
The Best Judith Ivey Quotes
The Best J.D. Shackelford Quotes
The Best Richard Gilliland Quotes
The Best Reese Watson Quotes
The Best Hal Holbrook Quotes
The Best Vanessa Hargraves Quotes
The Best Olivia Brown Quotes