Top 700 Quotes From Archer
Malory: Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?
Cyril: [smashes phone] Hated that phone. Always dropping calls, you know?
Sterling: Yeah, you're probably holding it wrong.
Cyril: Oh yeah, just like Cyril Figgis always does everything wrong, is that what you mean?
Sterling: ...Basically.
Sterling: I gotta go stop him.
Lana: Stop who?
Sterling: WHOM!
Lana: Archer!
Sterling: Kreiger! He's making a gay terminator!
Lana: Aaannnd, yep. Officially confused.
Cyril: Yeah, I mean, did he mean a Terminator of gays? Because Krieger's creepy and weird, but he's not homophobic, I don't think, so he must have meant... well, no, aren't Terminators asexual?
Mallory: What is with all the banging and the shouting? Are we hosting a quinceañera?
[first lines]
[dreaming]
Malory: And that's your message, my God who...
[wakes suddenly and grabs a gun]
Malory: Who's there? What do you want? Because all you're going to get is holes! I-I mean holes in you, not my...
Commander: Is mutiny funny to you, Mr. Archer?
Sterling: I don't know. Maybe a mutiny of clowns.
Pam: You make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.
Malory: None of you had any field experience when you first started. And you've given Cyril some training.
Sterling: Which ended with a dead hooker in my trunk!
Cyril: No it didn't!
Sterling: Well it easily could have!
Lana: In what way, in what possible way did that work?
[Lana asks Archer after he lobbed a grenade in the bar car of the train]
Sterling: Well-eh, A, they are all incapacitated. And B, I got to blow up a train.
Lana: Well, thanks, Gomez.
Lana: Was the cat suit *really* necessary?
Mallory: For me? No, it's more for the public.
Sterling: Ugh, still got it.
Lana: Thank you, Sterling.
Sterling: And by "it", I mean this image burned into my retinas till the end of time.
Mallory: Lucky boy.
Sterling: And, how the hell did you find me?
Malory: I didn't, the CIA did.
Sterling: Oh, and how are your new overlords?
Malory: Oh, for the- They're not- Look, think of it as more of a merger.
Sterling: Ha!
Malory: [as ISIS signage is being rolled away behind Malory] Organizations change. They evolve. They grow. Unlike some people I know.
Malory: No. I am not sharing a room with you.
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it's got two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one, greasing up in the bathroom?
Sterling: Freaking Lana. I mean even for her this is over the line. She's going to wish I was never born.
Dr. Krieger: Just going to softball it in like that?
Malory: How can you even think about happy hour at a time like this?
[Malory takes a drink from a highball glass]
Cyril: Why would Ms. Archer give us until Friday?
Pam: I did that, because somebody in this building is going to have sex with me.
Sterling: Yeah? You think between now and Friday you can score some roofies?
Bucky: Hello. Give me Sterling Archer mother.
Cheryl: Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y.
Pam: Oh, please. You're so hot for him I could reheat this chili in your cooch.
Cheryl: Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing.
Sterling: No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent: [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling: That's why I dumped her.
Agent: You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling: See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!.
Cyril: Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me, I've been finding solace in food.
Sterling: Well, keep your chins up, Cyril. All eleven of them.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: I will stop, but I will not apologize.
Sterling: That was totally ninja!
Ruth: Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.
Sterling: What? I didn't come by to see you. I'm trying to bang a candy striper.
Ruth: Ha, ha, ha!
Ray: I have prosthetic legs.
Sterling: And plus you're a woman.
Lana: Yeah, a PREGNANT woman!
[at poker night]
Cyril: Jeezy petes, an inside straight? Damn it!
[everyone groans and complains as Ray rakes in his chips]
Ray: Got three on the hip, I need four for the weekend! I'm goin' to Hotlanta!
Cheryl: Have fun, I hope you get hate-crimed.
Cyril: Hey, whoa!
Doctor: Goddamn, woman.
Ray: Seriously.
Pam: I'll hate-crime your ass right here!
Ray: You know what?
Cyril: Guys! Come on! Can't we have one poker night without a hate crime?
Cheryl: Okay, A, the thing last month wasn't a hate crime...
[cutaway to the previous game with Cheryl on top of the poker table, screaming and sticking a gun in Pam's mouth, while everyone watches in horror]
Cheryl: Because I will straight-flush your brains out the back of your SKULL!
[cut to present]
Cheryl: ... it was just a regular crime.
Ray: And obviously now I put my gun in the timelock safe until the game's over.
Cyril: And so basically, the only thing keeping you from murdering each other is a lack of access to firearms.
Pam: Works for Canada.
Cheryl: Nothing works for Canada.
Pam: Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator, that's a bond of trust. Okay? And if you violate that trust, or the food.
Sterling: There's my favorite section head!
Pam: I am dealing with the break room problem!
Sterling: Oh, good, you caught the, um... oh wait, I had something for this. Pita predator!
Pam: You know what?
Sterling: Sorry, let's just call it what it is. Food rapist.
Pam: Not a pretty name, is it?
Sterling: What? Wait! So I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills?
Dr. Krieger: Yeah, you didn't think it was weird that your chemo drugs were chewable?
Sterling: No! Little kids get cancer.
Dr. Krieger: [sighs] They do.
Malory: This is the last time you make me out a fool, Len Trexler. You wanna play me hard?
Sterling: Phrasing.
Len: You know I do.
Malory: Well then you'd better nut up.
Sterling: Phrasing.
Malory: Because I've swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!
Sterling: Hey! Phrasing!
Malory: And we'll see who's smirking when ISIS steals that diamond for real!
Len: Oh, you're a naughty girl.
Malory: Right, then, commence Operation Rub Len Trexler's Big Fat Nose in it.
Sterling: Yeah. Sounds like you already have.
Agent: Wait. You want us to break back into the palace which now has the insane amount of security we recommended, plus god knows how many ODIN guys?
Malory: Yes, so take more of that poison.
Agent: And on top of that suck salad, you want to sprinkle on the bacon bits of "Oh, hey, let's tell them we're coming"?
Malory: Well?
Agent: Well, there's this new thing called the element of surprise?
Sterling: Holy shit, you guys! Look at his little spots!
Sterling: I'm sorry, I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter about how to introduce your mother to a hooker!
Noah: Pirates work for shares, and since you became a pirate king there hasn't been any booty, so...
Sterling: I'm going to go ahead and disagree with you there, buddy.
Noah: From pirated ships.
Sterling: Oh, I thought you meant from all the...
Noah: Native girls.
Cheryl: [yelling at the leader of a biker gang] Hey, Treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable things to and/or on me!
Cheryl: Milk comes from Mexicans? Oh my God, what's cereal made from?
Woodhouse: "I'm afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups."
Sterling: "Like I told you he would!"
Lana: Well, at least *my* ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
Sterling: [after Trinette takes his wallet, watch, and car] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I - Oh shit, my rug!
Mr. Deadly: Sorry, what was your name?
Cheryl: There's some debate on that.
Doctor: [Clone 3] Well, the important thing is that you're with us now.
Doctor: [Clone 2] Especially since your friends...
Doctor: "Friends" - please! Can you believe those jerks? After all these years, kicking me to the curb like... like...
Doctor: [Clone 1] A child!
Doctor: [Clone 2] A frog!
Doctor: [Clone 3] Frog-child!
Doctor: [Loud croaking from aquarium]
[All]
Doctor: No!
Doctor: Is... is that what I think it is?
Doctor: [All 3 clones] No!
Doctor: Well, let me finish, because I think it's some kind of unholy adolescent human amphibian hybrid creature.
Doctor: [Clone 3] Oh... then, yes.
Doctor: [Wiping tear from eye] I'm home. I'm finally home.
Doctor: [Clone 1] Just in time for our moment of triumph.
Doctor: Well, if there's one thing I love, it's triumph. What is it?
Doctor: [Clone 3] All will be revealed... in time.
Doctor: And if there's one thing I love more than triumph, it's annoying vagueness.
Pam: So then he's all like, you gotta go before my roommate gets home. And I'm like, who cares? And he's like...
Cheryl: You're a moped.
Pam: How'd you know? What's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam: Oh.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Pam: I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had 10 beers.
Cheryl: 40's?
Pam: No. Yes. Hence the shandy. My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.
Agent: Have you noticed anything weird about Conway?
Sterling: Other than the fact that he's not circumcised?
Agent: Wow. Okay. Glossing over *how* you know that...
Sterling: We touched penises...
Agent: No! Glossing!
Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: It's Carol.
Sterling: Uh, since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
[last lines]
Sterling: And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.
Malory: What? You knew about this?
Sterling: Yeah, I was on the planning committee. I'm not a huge fan of change.
Sterling: [steps out, laughs] Except for you, Milton!
[Archer's laugh fades into the distance as Milton rolls into Malory's office, stops in front of her, then ejects 6 slices of toast. She glares]
Sterling: Frickin' ODIN. I can't believe this.
Lana: How many are there?
Sterling: About a bajillion.
Lana: Damn it!
Sterling: Bajillion gay little copycats.
Lana: What?
Sterling: I didn't invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment! The tactical turtleneck, Lana.
Lana: Archer.
Sterling: The tactleneck!
Cheryl: Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing!
[hugs Malory]
Malory: Pam! What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
[keeps texting]
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry, I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer?
Malory: Oh, for the love. And would you get off? Breath!
Cyril: Malory, if there's anything we can do you just say the word.
Doctor: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.
Doctor: A what? That... what are you...? I don't have one of those!
[Flashback to Krieger's laboratory with a lot of squealing and a gun shot]
Doctor: ... Any more.
Sterling: Lana, it's the A-Team meets Scarface. That makes me...
Lana: Hannibal Montana?
Woodhouse: When I served in the King's African Rifles, the local Zambezi tribesman called human flesh "long pig". Never much cared for it.
Agent: [over building intercom] Um, attention. Hi, this is Agent Kane, and if you want to have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk, please line up and take a number.
Pam: [a group of guys show up immediately, Pam pushes to the front] You heard the lady. Take a number!
[holds up #1 card]
Sterling: Why are you sitting? At my table?
Woodhouse: The paper sir. There's an item.
Sterling: Oh, yeah. Did somebody finally out the queen? Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about.
Cheryl: I don't know, you see a line of suited men outside an office with blinds that go all the way down and you... start to hope.
Sterling: Un-uh. Pam, I will end you.
Hijacker: Shut up! Why would I listen to a captive?
Sterling: Well, you're kind of at the point of no return here. Pretty soon you'll have to start shooting people, and I don't think you want that... other than maybe that guy.
Hijacker: [Pointing gun at passenger eating] Oh, yeah! Well every fish you eat is loaded with plastic micro-beads from face soap.
Sterling: Kinda getting the last scene of Scarface vibe from this guy, but with gluten-free cocaine.
Hijacker: OK, what's your suggestion.
Sterling: Well, any time you need to make an example out of someone, maybe knock this guy
[Looks at Cyril, whose folding paper swans on his tray table]
Sterling: around a little bit.
Hijacker: I don't know. It feels like clubbing a baby seal. I'd hateto hit him if he doesn't deserve it.
Sterling: That's the point. If he gets hit, it could happen to anyone else. And let me tell you a secret - he's secretly a masochist; gets a lot of pleasure from being beaten up. He loves it; can't get enough of it. You'd be doing this guy a favor.
Hijacker: All right, that's a load of my mind.
Sterling: And off mine too.
Malory: He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him, I called in someone who can. Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
Rip: Manhunter. Now if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.
Crenshaw: Jesus, Archer.
Sterling: What?
Crenshaw: You think this is a game?
Sterling: No, I think Jenga's a game.
Crenshaw: What if I'd been real KGB?
Sterling: I'd assume you'd be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guys cock.
Sterling: Relax, Lana, Cyril is going to be fine.
[Hears a large jungle cat roar]
Sterling: Unless a tiger ate him.
Lana: Tigers don't live in South America.
Sterling: Well, at least one does, because I just heard its spine-tingling roar.
Lana: That was a jaguar, dumbass.
Sterling: Thanks, Marlon Perkins, I think I know a TIGER when I hear one!
Sterling: [Repeated line, after failing to think up a witty comeback in time] Damn it, I had something for this!
Malory: Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam: Too dead to read good news?
Malory: Is it my obituary?
Pam: Well, it's not that good.
Sterling: Relax, it's North Korea - the nation-state equivalent of the short-bus.
Sterling: Look at that thing. It looks like it's made out of Wolverine's bones.
[pause]
Sterling: You know. 'Cause they're... does nobody read X-Men?
Sterling: Happy, Cyril? You just destroyed Alderaan!
Conway: I've tracked him to South Beach, where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban naval intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked off Miami Beach.
Malory: Ugh! Just what Miami needs, more Cubans.
Cheryl: Apparently my great-grandpa was nuts for skating... that and the klan.
Rip: I tracked him down.
Malory: See!
Lana: How?
Rip: Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering.
Sterling: Mother, look out! Krenshaw is a mole.
Malory: Oh Pam's just full of crap as she is carbohydrates. Now...
Krenshaw: [holds gun to Malory's head] Not this time you impossible bitch!
[pause]
Krenshaw: Also, you should all be nicer to Pam.
Lana: Malory!
Malory: [after Lana breaks Malory's magnetic door] Jesus, do you have robotic hands?
Doctor: [holding a pair of robotic hands] Not yet, but you just say the word!
Malory: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
Sterling: Oh, my God! You have to try this! Hot cocoa, dark crème de cacao, hint of crème de menthe, and peppermint schnapps. I call it a Peppermint Patty.
Pam: You could shut your dick holster.
[Riley wakes up aboard the seaplane, handcuffed and with a black eye, to find Archer mixing a drink]
Rip: Ehhhh... what the - what the holy - what in holy hell are you doin'?
Sterling: Well, it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so I, uh...
Rip: Jesus Christ. How long was I out?
Sterling: It's hard to say. After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so...
Rip: Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...
Sterling: I thought you put it on autopilot!
Rip: It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find THE ONLY AIRSTRIP WITHIN A THOUSAND MILES SO IT CAN LAND ITSELF WHEN IT NEEDS GAS!
Sterling: Then I, uh... misunderstood the concept.
Rip: Uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS.
Rip: ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me!
Sterling: Okay! God! Wait a minute, is this a ruse?
[One of the plane's engines sputters and shorts out]
Sterling: Because if it is... pretty elaborate.
Pam: Soooo, is that why you're being such a bitch?
[first lines]
Malory: Torvald Utne.
Sterling: The Olympic shot putter?
Malory: The chairman of the UN intelligence committee. Do you not even skim the briefings in your inbox?
Sterling: I have an inbox?
[Archer is walking in an island jungle]
Sterling: Agh, son of a...
[Archer slaps the back of his neck]
Sterling: God, is one last non-malarial hurrah before I go home too much to ask? Agh.
[Archer slaps the back of his neck again]
Sterling: Thanks, jungle. Eat a buffet of dicks.
Male: [as man with no pants walks by] Absolutely enormous. I .. I mean does he need special pants?
Female: I swear to God, it looked at me.
Sterling: [In hansom cab, holding up Thermos bottle] Excuse me, whose ass do I have to kiss to get more hot cocoa back here?
[Horse whinnies]
Sterling: [under torture] I swear, I'm just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast who... shit! Why am I speaking English, with an American accent?
Lana: You really think I'm sexy and empowered?
Rona: Oh, my god, you're like a brown Boudica.
Sterling: [shouting] Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin' face!
Ray: And is the defendant ready to proceed?
Sterling: No, the defendant is not, because there is no defendant, because this whole thing is a sham and a farce, and I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority, because it's presided over by a male prostitute.
Ray: Courtesan!
Sterling: Popobot!
Ray: And, by god, you will recognize it, because prior to my current circumstances, for 16 years, I was a federation high court justice.
Cheryl: I have a question.
Ray: Woman, I swear to god...
Cheryl: How'd you go from being a federation judge to, like, blowing space truckers.
Ray: Well, missy, heh, th- that is a - oh, that is a long, crazy story. But it is entirely nongermane to the solemn proceeding before this bench.
Cyril: Hey, so how did you know where I was?
Agent: When we first started going out I may have
[quickly]
Agent: injected a tracking device into your body.
Cyril: In my body? No! Now that is a breach of trust, Lana.
Agent: Baby? Hun, do you really want to open this can of "trust-breachy" worms right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a dead hooker in the trunk?
Cyril: [long pause] I do not.
Agent: You do not.
Kintaru: Shit. Come. We must go now.
Sterling: Not yet. I gotta blow this thing.
Kintaru: [guerillas approaching] Then blow it, and then come!
Sterling: [sighs] I mean, really? It's like why even...
Sterling: Shoot, bitch! Democracy's at stake!
Sterling: [Archer is lost in the jungle and has spotted a bottle of tequila] Oh, goddess of the jungle, I take it all back, for when I was thirsty, you saw fit to slake my... .
[Archer steps into a trap and is hanging upside down]
Sterling: Goddess of the jungle, you are a whore.
[last lines]
Doctor: Whoo! Suck it, Alan Turing!
Pam: Y'know, I think we're makin' some progress.
Cheryl: Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!
Pam: We can, if certain people would help.
[She glares at Krieger, who is standing in a cardboard box fort]
Doctor: I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.
Sterling: The El Camino is not a car...
Ray: Truck, whatever!
Sterling: ...nor is it a truck, it's a...
Lana: ...vehicular hermaphrodite?
Sterling: Shut up!
Cyril: So, as you can see, we are already down to 125 kilos of cocaine, which was worth about six million dollars.
Sterling: Wait, how much is that in pounds?
Cyril: Forget pounds, we're doing kilos!
Sterling: No, I meant pounds...
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: Exactly! As in, Doctor Who money.
Kintaru: Is that... medicine?
Sterling: [mouth full] Painkillers. Mixed with candy.
[swallows]
Sterling: I call 'em "Mike and Vikes".
[Archer and Conway are clinched, naked. After they separate, Archer looks down]
Conway: What, you, uh, you see something you like?
Sterling: Wh- no, you... queer.
Conway: [laughs] Oh, *I'm* queer? From the guy whose tiny gun came with a matching purse.
Sterling: Hey, it's got plenty of stopping power.
Brett: Hah! That little...
[Archer shoots Brett]
Conway: Oh shit!
Brett: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: See that?
Brett: Again!
Sterling: He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just watch your step, mister... damn it.
Conway: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with was "Sammy Gay-vis Jr."
Sterling: Damn it!
Sterling: I'm getting my turtleneck. I'm not defusing a bomb in this!
Malory: I hope to God that was alcohol.
Cyril: Then who are those guys?
Sterling: [shouts] How should I know? KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye. I have enemies, OK?
Cyril: That's because no one likes you!
[calmly]
Cyril: Seriously, do you not sense that?
Sterling: But speaking of your body and my body, and stiffness...
Capt. Lammers: We don't normally drink on the bridge.
Sterling: Well I don't normally fly on the Hindenberg 2.0!
Lana: And Cyril doesn't normally storm off without kissing me goodbye!
Sterling: So we're all out of our comfort zone.
Malory: Not me! My stateroom is gorgeous.
Pam: Dude, that is a hard dick.
Sterling: It's not that hard.
Pam: Oh, please. I bet it hasn't been that hard since the time the Army checked you for a hernia.
Sterling: I told you that in confidence!
Pam: Yeah, well, I ain't your priest. Ha, ha, ha... speaking of hard dicks.
Sterling: [Inhales sharply] I also told you *that* in confidence.
Pam: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Lana: Why didn't you tell us you were bleeding like a Russian Princess?
Malory: Counterfeit cancer drugs?
Sterling: Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.
Cheryl: Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.
Malory: So, shut up and drive them damn bus!... Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal.
Lana: Right, and your 10% of it.
Malory: Or 50 or whatever.
Lana: WHAT?
Cyril: Fifty, really?
Lana: Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker?
[no reaction from others]
Lana: Nothing?
Cyril: Meh.
Pam: What's the poem going to be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
Ray: It's already cramped back there, what with that piss-reeking ocelot.
Pam: State dependent memory!
Cyril: So your plan is for us to get as black-out, knee-walking, shit-faced drunk as were last night in the hopes that we remember the password.
Cyril: For God's sake, Pam. Have you no sense of decency? That bathroom's like a war crime.
Pam: Don't blame me. It's those new low flow toilets. With the old ones you could flush a dachshund puppy. I mean, not that you would.
Cheryl: Do anything fun this weekend? Because I sure did! Friday night was cornhole league, then on Saturday...
Malory: [interrupts] If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
Cheryl: [whispering] Saturday I watched a building burn down.
Malory: You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?
Pam: Jesus Jones, yes!
Malory: So when I asked for cucumber slices, which one of you idiots sent up zucchini?
Cheryl: Oh, well, um, that would be...
Pam: That would be Jane.
Malory: Scatterbrain Jane?
Cheryl: I know. She's just a mess.
Pam: Because this is obviously zucchini.
Malory: Oh, like you'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
Pam: What's that supposed to mean?
Malory: That is Pam, isn't it?
Sterling: Kinda wishing I'd taken my training more seriously right about now.
Lana: Oh, my God, I am exhausted.
Ray: Whereas I am merely confused. If you told every guy the same thing, then they all know that none of them had sex with you, so they're all gonna realize they're all lying.
Pam: Hey, yeah.
Lana: But remember, they're dudes.
Ray: Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
Sterling: Suck it, cancer!
Conway: Now, whom can I thank for these shrimp?
Cheryl: Me!
[Rips open her blouse]
Cheryl: Your secret Jew Santa.
Sterling: [as Trinette speeds away in his Charger] You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this, but I... oh, shit - my rug!
Lana: Wait. You already knew the code?
Sterling: Of course he did, he's a cyborg. It was probably Gaius Baltar's...
[Conway Stern shoots Archer in the back five times. Literally]
Lana: Archer? You double-crossing son-of-a-bitch!
Sterling: [out of breath] Cahh- called it.
Conway: Well, yeah. Come on. We all saw this comin'. Now, drop 'em.
[Lana drops her two guns]
Sterling: I-I was gonna say, "zip code," guys.
Sterling: Come on, get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.
Pam: Really?
Sterling: No. It's a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me.
Pam: Dick.
Sterling: And speaking of lame, my code name...
Malory: Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer.
Sterling: Random? It was your dog's name.
Malory: Ohh, Dutchess.
[Looks longingly at picture of her and the dog]
Malory: I loved her so much.
Sterling: That it was creepy and pathetic?
Malory: And if you were half as smart as she was...
Sterling: She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she?
Malory: [Gasps] Exercise terminated!
Sterling: All right; that's lunch then.
Sterling: Come on, 22 black. 22 black! 22 black-ass son of a bitch! Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? How about this expensive prostitute?
Lana: Did you see me?
Ray: Yeah.
Lana: Holding the baby?
Ray: It looked like Tyson holding that dove.
Lana: Listen, bitch...
Ray: Ahh! Careful, because in about three drinks you're gonna get all boo-hooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
Lana: What?
Ray: You watch.
Lana: No I won't.
Pam: You guys should totally do that! The mochaccino ones are the cutest! Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though. So, can you say "Best Dancer Ever"?
Sterling: Ugh, what is that? I've never smelled that smell in America.
Doctor: I live in a "transitional" neighborhood.
Sterling: As the crack dealers moved to nicer ones? This better be good, Krieger; I mean hula girls, a replica volcano, some...
Doctor: I have something better - a surprise.
Sterling: I HATE surprises. I mean, except for surprise fellatio. That I like... the non-Midnight Cowboy kind.
Doctor: Yeah, no, you can breathe easy.
Sterling: Actually, I can barely breathe at all.
Sterling: [Trapped in a jail with Lana surrounded by exotic animals] The tiger says...
[tiger roars]
Sterling: The tiger also says you owe me $1,000!
Lana: No, I don't!
Sterling: The welcher says...
Lana: What would cheer Malory up? What does she like?
Pam: Archer and money and liquor.
Lana: Besides that.
Cheryl: Some different liquor.
Pam: [holding microphone] So why are these damn peer reviews so hard? Only like ten people work in this whole goddamn chickenshit outfit.
[extends hand, drops mic]
Pam: Sorry.
Cheryl: Oh, don't be. It is a chickenshit outfit.
Pam: Jeez, LaRue. Can you believe this? A mandatory meeting at 7 am? Wonder what crawled up her butt?
Cheryl: Ugh, there's no telling. Our bodies are aswarm with microscopic organisms, Pam. Literally, a swarm.
Doctor: [Shows up with a thermos] Wait, what? What have you heard?
Pam: About the staff meeting?
Doctor: Oh, right, yes. Never mind.
Cyril: [Shows up with Ray] Then may I suggest we get up there, so we don't have to find out what "grave consequences" means.
Cheryl: [Scoffs] It means...
Cyril: In the context of her memo!
Lana: Because, between the cancer and the chemo and the just shit-tons of weed...
Sterling: Ooh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a second and burn one down.
Agent: [Sarcastically] OK, yes, I'm jealous.
Sterling: First step's admitting it.
Agent: Jealous that ODIN's going to beat us again...
Sterling: ODIN?
Agent: ...thanks to your epic poon-houndery!
Ray: Lana? Hey, girl, are you there?
Agent: [On a video link] Yeah, I'm... Hey, can you see me?
Ray: I see your knock-off Fiacci drawers.
Agent: Ha, ha. You are such a bitch.
Sterling: Seriously, Lana. This must be what it's like to have sex with me.
Lana: How could an air boat be selfish?
Sterling: So, here's the thing - i need to access my operations account, and you're preventing that. Now we can do this easy, or we can do it hard. Your call. No? Hard it is, then!
[shoots the door, bullet hits Brett]
Brett: AAH!
Sterling: Oh, god. Sorry.
Brett: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: I forgot that - did I get you?
Brett: What is wrong with you?
Sterling: Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you.
Sterling: I'm serious, Ray, I'm about to punch you in the face with your own fists.
Ray: First of all, you are a MEAN drunk on germicide.
Sterling: It's Blue Curaçao, you dumb idiot. Giuseppe keeps it in the back for me.
Ray: Well, then, you're a mean drunk on Blue Curaçao.
Sterling: I know. I'm actually banned for life from Willemstad.
Ray: Well, their loss. Now come on, put your money where your fat blue mouth is!
Sterling: No! We're not doubling the bet!
Ray: Come on, don't you have faith in your man?
[they look at Krieger, who is dancing around the barber shop, pretending to do karate moves]
Doctor: Shoo-shoo-shoo! Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo!
Sterling: Krieger!
Doctor: [ignoring him] Shooooo... sha-shoooo...
Sterling: [to Ray] I do not, no.
Ray: Well, I got faith in mine, 'cause he is lookin' muy Rico Suave.
Cyril: Oh, well, heh-heh. Gracias, amigo.
Sterling: [scoffs] More like Rico... Not Suave.
Ray: He said, like a drunk jealous bitch.
Sterling: I'm not drunk! Wait, I AM drunk.
Rona: You just have to find the right guy who's not intimidated by your power.
Lana: Or my twin Tec-9's.
Rona: Or those big steam shovelly scoops you call hands.
Sterling: [apologising to Lana after long awkward pause] Sorry I tried to spit roast your mom.
[repeated line]
Lance: Boom, bumper!
Cyril: Oh, my God, I must have embezz-arassed myself last night, huh?
Pam: Don't talk like black people. And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
Pam: You hear that, Miss Archer? We're all on board for the big win-win out here.
Malory: Well I'm not. Do your worst, Krieger!
Doctor: Okay!
Cheryl: Oh, my God, yes!
Malory: Yes! Go ahead, crank up the heat. I'm as naked as the day I was born.
Doctor: Oh, yes!
Pam: Naked or not!
Cyril: Well, don't keep saying it.
Pam: You can't stay in there forever.
Malory: Ha! I'll outlast you. I'm naked, and I've got half a lime, and almost... nearly two-thirds of a half-gallon of
[bottle breaks]
Malory: ... Shit.
Pam: Now we've got her!
Malory: Ha! I'll suck it right off this grimy linoleum before I give into you belly-achers. You've got nothing!
Pam: Fighting the war on the war on drugs.
Rip: But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk...
Sterling: Now that did see pirate-y.
Noah: I'm an anthropologist.
Sterling: A spider scientist?
Noah: A what?
Pam: That's an arachnologist.
Sterling: Like you would know!
Noah: No, no. It is. An anthropologist...
Sterling: I know what an anthropologist is!
Pam: No, he doesn't.
Sterling: Nobody does!
Sterling: Woo hoooo! Air boat!
Sterling: I beat cancer, everybody!
Woodhouse: Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
Sterling: Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?
Cyril: Three cheers for little Johnny Bastard!
Rip: Look, Lana, don't get me wrong. I like your spunk.
Sterling: Phrasing.
Sterling: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! For the last time, assholes, my name is-
[KGB agents open fire]
Sterling: SHAZAM!
Doctor: Press that red button.
Sterling: I- wait. Is it going to kill everybody?
Doctor: Press that blue button.
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: But in mean time, you think I will be safe?
Sterling: God! What's Russian for "Duh!"
Ron: And call me if you ever want to test drive the new Coupe De Ville.
Sterling: Well, actually, I just got a new El Camino, so...
Ron: Oh, so you're all set. That'll hold way more Hispanics and lawn mowers.
Mr. Deadly: As I said, doomsday device, designed by a race to whom mutual destruction was preferrable to defeat. I was hidden away on the edge of space, but the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis concluded without me. So, there I remained, my only companions: the velvety dark and solitude itself.
Sterling: And then?
Mr. Deadly: I got bored, so I nabbed you out of hyperspace to help me explode, at which point, I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.
Cheryl: [giggling and fanning herself with her hand] Who else is turned on right now?
Sterling: So, I bet she'll pay whatever ransom you ask for. Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us, as you can imagine.
Ray: Should you be smoking in here?
Lance: Should you be flaming in here?
Sterling: I'm going to be pretty upset if I end up having to murder Kenny Loggins.
Randy: Anyhow.
[Opens sliding door to reveal a huge pot growing facility]
Sterling: Dude.
Cheryl: Awesome.
Ray: Good gracious god.
Randy: This here's what E.Z. wants.
Ray: How did you afford all this?
Randy: Farm subsidy.
Janelle: He told the government he's growing corn for that high flooktose syrup.
Randy: But damned if I'm going to contribute to that obesity epidemic.
Sterling: Hey, man's gotta have a code.
Randy: Right? I put my heart and soul into this. But now, it's either roll over for that sheriff like a dog or fight... like a different, better dog.
George: No, no! What are you doing? Besides making a mess all over my train?
Sterling: [Holding a bloody steak that has dripped down the length of the hall] Uh, I'm looking for a terrorist and an ocelot.
George: What?
Sterling: Not necessarily in that order.
Sterling: Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky.
Krenshaw: How is this a Mexican standoff?
Agent: Dumbass.
Krenshaw: I don't care if you shoot her.
Cyril: I do.
Krenshaw: But what if I shoot *her*, mama's boy?
Malory: Sterling.
Krenshaw: Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
Malory: Sterling!
Krenshaw: ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
Agent: Jesus Christ!
Malory: What?
Cyril: What is it?
Agent: He's got an erection!
Malory: What?
Krenshaw: What the hell is wrong with you people?
[pushes Malory away, and gets shot]
Sterling: Nothing. You on the other hand -
[Malory hits him with her purse]
Sterling: ow! OW!
Malory: An erection?
Sterling: Hey! What's in there - buckles?
Malory: The thought of me dead give you an erection?
Sterling: No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... ugh.
[Malory sighs]
Sterling: Johnny Bench called.
[first lines]
Malory: Oh! Oh! I cannot believe you! Are you out of your big, fat Russian skull? Of all the dumb stunts you - Nikolai, how could you do this?
Doctor: Oh, and by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn't I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?
Malory: Huh. I never thought about that.
Sterling: [choosing between facing alligators or Malory] What's the difference? They're both cold blooded, prehistoric monsters.
[Ray finds Malory drunk and vomiting in the bathroom]
Ray: Don't get any on that snappy suit.
Malory: Don't you have better things to do than mince around and gawk?
Ray: About a million. But Cheryl was scared to come in here, so I took time out of my busy mincing schedule to tell you that you have a phone call.
Malory: [gasps] Is it Sterling?
Ray: I am sure I don't know.
Malory: Do you know you're a little bitch?
Ray: Will you remember this conversation?
Malory: Probably not, no.
Ray: Well, then, fuck off.
Lana: FBI? Literally, maybe five negro agents. Actually, probably less.
Trinette: Fewer.
Lana: Shut up.
Pam: They are the stuff-throwinest family.
Sterling: A black astronaut, Cyril. That's like killing a unicorn!
Cheryl: Are you just totally gay for her?
Pam: I'm... the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
Cheryl: [whispering] She is riddled with Herpes.
Pam: Hey! Inappropriate workplace topic... and also a deal-breaker.
Sterling: [Calling to Gabrielle as she walks away from the train] Gabrielle!
[Returning to train seat next to Lana]
Lana: Aww, you liked her, didn't you?
Sterling: I don't know.
Lana: But you didn't realize till just now, huh?
Sterling: Mmm, maybe.
Lana: I mean, I thought she was great.
Sterling: Whatever.
Lana: I mean smart, charming... and those cans! Am I right?
Sterling: Yeah, they looked pretty squeezy.
Lana: Thinking maybe instead of asking her out to make me jealous, you should've just asked her out because she's awesome.
[Lana stands and exits train. Archer sits alone]
Ray: Yeah, yeah it's just big old god-damned fairy tale.
Sterling: Fairy tale! Uhh, phrasing.
Malory: [to her chauffeur] If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.
Cyril: Hey, will I get to learn karate?
Sterling: Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? No, ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Cyril: Krav?
Sterling: We've got an ex-Mossad guy; comes in on Thursdays.
Cyril: Neato.
Sterling: Yeah, Tuesdays he does a really rigorous spin class.
Malory: All right, we want this to look like a classic hooker murder/suicide. So... Cyril take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Cyril: Wait, what.
Malory: Everyone shoots the chippy!
Lana: Pam, you okay?
Pam: [very angry] Do you people even give a shit? Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day, and nobody even tries to rescue me?
Ray: Archer's fault.
Sterling: Shut up!
Pam: YOU shut up, Mister "Pam's Not Worth It!" Then you stupid a-holes shoot a jillion stupid a-hole bullets at me!
Malory: Not me! I wasn't shooting!
Pam: And YOU, the worst of the bunch!
Malory: Me? Why me?
Pam: Five thousand measly dollars?
Malory: You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I-I-I had some wiggle room!
Pam: Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whipping five thousand bucks worth of your ass!
Lana: Hey, whoa, Pam!
Sterling: Lana. Let her have this one.
Malory: Sterling! Somebody? Anybody?
[Ray Gillette is loudly crying in drunken depression over not being able to walk]
Special: My God, are they... torturing a woman?
Special: [loudly while running up the stairs] Hang on, ma'am! I'm a Federal Agent, and I'm coming! By God, I am coming!
[Archer has a finger raised]
Lana: [to Archer, Cyril, and Kreiger] Okay, you three head upstairs...
Sterling: Hang on.
Lana: I'm going to the kitchen to make sure he doesn't stumble onto the coke.
Sterling: Hang on.
Lana: What?
Sterling: Question.
Lana: [annoyed] What?
Sterling: Are we not saying "Phrasing" anymore? Which, that's fine, whatever, but if we're doing a new thing and nobody told me, *that* I'd have a problem with.
Special: Oh, screw me!
[Archer raises a finger and everyone else disperses]
Sterling: [alone] Said Ripley to the android Bishop. Wait, hang on. Um... God damn it! What was wrong with "Phrasing"?
Ray: Nothing!
[Hawley opens the door]
Ray: I'm fine! Just get out, leave me alone!
Malory: I just can't even imagine life without my precious Sterling.
Ray: And have you ever told him that?
Malory: Are you kidding? No!
Ray: Wow, really? 'Cause my momma told me how much she loved me all the time.
Malory: Exactly. Look how you turned out.
Ray: Uhh, with high self-esteem?
Barry: It's cold in here.
Len: Because she's here! The big, bad lady is here and she is cold.
Malory: Len! What's going on?
Len: You're mean. And I don't like you! And I don't want ISIS or you. All I want is this lettuce and his brother.
Sterling: Rabbert Klein.
Len: Rabbert Klein! So Barry, you ass.
Barry: Yeah.
Len: For the love of all things green, take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.
[last lines]
Malory: Don't be shitty, can't we just enjoy the moment?
Sterling: [bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds] Yeah, how could we not?
Malory: [pause] Ass.
Sterling: [Lana and Archer are trapped in a high-rise hotel bathroom with Koreans shooting up the door on the other side, and Lana is trying to break the window with a toilet lid] Uhh, a couple things: one, we've got about a couple seconds before the door is matchsticks. Two, you're never going to break that win...
Lana: [Shatters the window] What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness!
Sterling: [Gestures to the thirty-storey drop to the ground] It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is 'Now what, idiot? Because I forgot my jetpack in my other pants!'
Sterling: That wasn't so hard, was it?
Cheryl: [sniggers] That's what I said.
Sterling: Hey! So, what happened was, somebody ordered room service, but the regular room service guy, uhh, he died, so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.
Ray: Cyril, you need any last-minute pointers?
Sterling: [laughing] From you?
Ray: The quarry may change, but never the hunt!
Cyril: Hmm, let's see. Oh, here's one. Uh, when do I start negging her?
Sterling: [laughing] Negging? Jesus Christ. What grade are you in? Why don't you try putting some Spanish fly in her brass monkey?
Cyril: Heh-heh, I think you mix it with mole's blood.
Sterling: What are you - where the hell would you get mole's blood?
Doctor: [eagerly] Why? You need some?
Sterling: I need YOU to get your big, bushy, Bob Rossian head out of your ass, 'cause we've got a bet to win!
[he looks at his drink]
Sterling: And also, Giuseppe, I'm pretty sure this IS actually germicide, so...
Ray: What?
Cyril: Damn it, Archer!
Sterling: Yeah, that's... not great. Although, silver lining, bet I could eat a whole big bowl of germs right now.
[he belches loudly]
Sterling: Okay, let's go seduce this broad!
Cyril: Archer, where are you going?
Sterling: Well, judging from the decor, I'm guessing Spelvin's got one of those kick-ass Japanese soaking tubs.
Cyril: What? After all that, you want to take a bath?
Sterling: Do you not?
Cyril: Do you know how hard I worked on this budget? Nights, weekends, cancelled my vacation, and, and now it's all wasted.
Pam: Wasted. Exactly. Let's go be that. C'mon, happy hour at Pita Margarita's, chikka chikka chow.
Cyril: Ugh, is that what it sounds like?
Pam: Only if it sounds like a shitload of tequila and some A-rab hoagies.
Pam: Ummm, I maybe, kinda slightly, took it.
Ray: Why would you do that?
Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?
Pam: I... shut up!
Lana: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?
Sterling: Well, obviously, before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.
Malory: What is the point of these situations...
Sterling: Crenshaw's arousal?
Malory: - if you don't take them seriously?
Lana: God shit dammit, Archer! What?
Agent: Can you just get out of the way?
Sterling: What? Are you going to shoot me again?
Agent: Yes!
Sterling: Well then hang on.
[He moves out of her way]
Agent: Cyril's already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air drying your unkempt bush!
Sterling: Unkempt bush?
[Someone knocks at the door]
Sterling: Ha, you're one to talk!
Agent: Huh! My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet
[opens the door and sees Cyril]
Agent: with terrible timing.
Pam: These nutsacks want to take us to Mars to be baby factories.
Agent: Where's the hobbit guy?
Sterling: A frickin' hobbit works here now? Jesus, Lana, they're called little people, not hobbits.
Agent: No, he's not *a* hobbit. He's a hobbit *enthusiast*.
Sterling: [wierded out] Oh.
Agent: Yeah, I know, but he knows how to work all the computers and satellites and shit.
Sterling: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Sterling: I can be both.
Malory: Thank you, dear. For a moment there I thought I was going to be unhappy.
Cheryl: Sploosh!
Sterling: [to Kazak, the dog, as villains are firing weapons at them] See, that's why I said "scrooch down."
[shouting out car window]
Sterling: Lana, scooch down!
Lana: No, no, no. Archer, don't!
[Archer fires a burst of rounds]
Lana: Are you out of your mind?
Lana: No, although I am out of ammo.
[Turns and talks to Kazak]
Lana: OK, buddy, so here's the deal: A. Scrooch down, and B. Normally in this situation I do a pit maneuver, but if I do, this truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case is she's a paraplegic, and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags, I start to resent her, and the night nurse is, like Brazilian, and 20.
[Kazak growls]
Lana: Don't judge me; I have needs, man. The point is, and it might be a shitty plan, but I'm gonna jump on the truck, and I need you to take the wheel and
[Kazak woofs]
Lana: exactly, so... Kazak?
[Kazak leaps into the other truck bed and attacks the villains holding Lana]
Lance: Food? We're not making food, people! We are creating cuisine! Food is what a dog eats! Or a tourist!
Sterling: Fine! Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Cyril: I... you have a shoemaker?
Sterling: Do you not?
Sterling: How do you say The Hulk in Spanish?
Ramon: El Hulk.
Sterling: Gay.
Ramon: What? We don't have a word for hulk.
Sterling: Do you have a word for gay?
Ramon: Gay.
Sterling: Gayer. Jesus, Spanish, our jobs aren't enough you gotta take our words?
Lana: Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!
Sterling: Oh, so now it's OK? What happened to your fragile ecosystem?
Lana: Screw the damn ecosystem! Shoot!
Sterling: You are such a hypocrite! I'll bet you probably eat veal.
Lana: Screw you, Archer! Sullen wench?
Sterling: Come on, Lana, relax. I had to make it look good!
Lana: You had to make it look good?
Sterling: And also annoy you.
Lana: Walther PPK. Chamber 32 ACP. What's the capacity?
Sterling: 8 rounds?
Lana: Plus one in the chamber for a total of nine.
Sterling: OK, thanks, Rain Man; your point?
Lana: Malory's clip was empty, but she claims she only fired three rounds.
Sterling: Whoa, wait a minute, you're saying mother lured Mascalzone up to her apartment, squeezed him into a six foot man rubber, calls us, then pulls a gun on him? That would be a crock of shit, because that would mean she called the cops on herself.
Lana: Knowing they would not come back after they searched the apartment which was full of people and spotless.
Sterling: Oh, my god! Do the math, Rain Man! The wall was shot three times, and Mascalzone was shot five. For a total of - wait for it - 8.
Lana: Plus the one in her arm.
Sterling: [laughs] So wait a minute? Mother shot herself? Oh, my god! Which would mean that mother has been banging this guy once a week for the last 35 years, and the whole time she's been holding a grudge! Holy shit - she killed him.
Lana: And got us to dispose of the body.
Sterling: But why?
Lana: Who knows? It's Malory. You really want to know why she killed a guy?
Malory: [Flashback - Malory removes her trench coat] Honey, you still got it!
Sterling: So much of this I never want to know the answer to. By the way, do you want to go for a slice?
[Thinks about it]
Sterling: God, what is with me and Italian lately?
Cyril: I spent last night in The Tombs getting worked over by the cops.
Malory: Watlz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, waiving a cleaver, and reeking of what I hope to God is meat, and that's all you have to say?
Pam: That idea would suck a dick just to cut in line to suck a bigger dick.
Doctor: And so a small power unit goes here on your... spiney... thing, which sends electical impulses to your muscles and ligaments and... stuff, which I will fuse to a vanadium alloy endoskeleton, replacing your current, uh, leg... bones.
Ray: I have to say, it kind of worries me that you don't know the names of the actual bones.
Sterling: Seriously, Krieger. You are my Oprah.
Sterling: Woodhouse? What the hell is this?
Woodhouse: I believe it's squash, sir.
Sterling: What are you shoveling it into?
Woodhouse: The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend.
Sterling: WHAT!
Woodhouse: For the Pimps and Ho's Ball I believe she said. Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.
Sterling: He's a Master Chef, Lana, which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above Architect.
Sterling: Eat a dick, jungle.
Lana: Morphine! Dahh, I don't need... ahhh...
Sterling: Yeah?
Lana: Yeah. That actually feels waaaaay better.
Sterling: Good. Then get up. You're sitting on the beer.
Malory: I don't care if you're captain...
[pause]
Sterling: Crunch! No wait, Beefheart.
Sterling: Claudio, we had a deal!
Sterling: Wait, Kangaroo.
Malory: [to Cheryl] Will you please cover yourself?
Cheryl: With what? I don't have any
[aerosol can spraying is heard; Cheryl's breasts are revealed to be covered]
Cheryl: there; happy?
Malory: No, I didn't mean with whipped cream!
Pam: It's actually whipped cocaine, so
Malory: [Malory groans] That explains where some of it went.
Cheryl: Ummm, and the tingling numbness of my nipples.
Malory: And why are you dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally decided they had to stone to death?
Cheryl: Duh! We were shooting my album cover.
Doctor: [Scene shifts to flashback of cover shoot] Yes. Good. Yes. That is perfect.
Pam: Perfect for what? C'mon, it's an album cover, not a... Amish Bible.
[squirts whipped cocaine into her mouth]
Pam: You gotta sex that shit up sexy.
Doctor: Ummm
Cheryl: I think it's pretty sexy.
Pam: You think that's sexy? With the rocket pops outside of you?
Cheryl: I mean...
Doctor: But if she eats them, we lose the whole red, white, and... . oookay.
Pam: Yeah - not talkin' about eatin' 'em.
Cheryl: Wait, what are you You want me to put a rocket pop in my vagina?
Pam: Well, for starters, but let's not rule anything out, ya know. Let's kinda see where that leads. We've got a shit-load of film.
Doctor: [Looking at the camera he's holding] I'm supposed to have film in this?
Conway: Ugh. I think I might be concussed. "Hell hath no fury," huh?
Lana: Meaning?
Conway: "As a woman scorned," Lana. Remember? I kinda scorned you last time we met?
Lana: [chuckling] Yeah, you are definitely concussed.
Sterling: Not to mention a Decepticon! Where the hell did you get a bionic hand?
Conway: Uh...
Doctor: [flashback] So, what's new? How you been?
Conway: Shhharper Image?
Lana: Uh-huh. Sounds more like Krieger.
Sterling: Jesus Christ! Will he not rest until we've all been enslaved by Skynet?
Lana: Hey, we are leaving in five, so...
Sterling: Just as soon as I enjoy this here Vermante and Kanya smoothie with a WD-40 float.
[drinks some from a straw, coughs]
Sterling: Ugh, although "enjoy" is maybe a bit strong.
Pam: And that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time, nipple towwwwwwn!
The: Eh, Luther had some valid complaints.
Cheryl: Yeah, what does a blimp do, Pam?
Pam: Uhh, kick your skinny ass?
Lana: ...and so basically, we are totally unprepared for this mission.
Sterling: Unless it involves night shoveling.
Sterling: Potato, po-dildo.
Sterling: Lana... Lana... Lana... LLAANNAA!
Agent: WHAT?
Sterling: ...Danger Zone!
Katya: Really?
Sterling: [Archer on one knee in front of Katya] Yes, really, and... . Krieger! Today!
[holding hand up toward Krieger]
Doctor: Huh? Oh... sorry.
[hands Archer a small box]
Sterling: A little thing called timing, Krieger. And the erection's really not appropriate.
Doctor: I'm still happy.
Sterling: [to the federal air marshal who has demanded Archer drop his gun] Okay, relax; it's okay, we're...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: And we're on a mission to stop an ecoterrorist...
Lana: Dut dut dut dut dut!
Sterling: From blowing up a gas pipeline!
[Addressing flight attendant]
Sterling: So for the love of God, woman, go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes!
Lana: Great. Way to keep a low profile.
Sterling: Thanks.
[chuckles]
Commander: I want to brief you all on what to expect when we dock with Horizon.
Lana: Uh, can we expect a pharmacy?
Sterling: Lana, it's not a strip mall. Although, I assume there's a bar.
Commander: A bar?
Sterling: Or whatever, cantina?
Cyril: So, you'd ask Krieger to watch your baby before you'd ask me.
Lana: I didn't... Well, that would be weird.
Cyril: Weirder than the guy trying to make some kind of ejaculation ray?
Lana: No, it's a pants-shitting ray.
Malory: Stirred up, Cyril. In the loins.
Cyril: You think her loins were stirring?
Malory: If not frothing.
Malory: You just listen to me, buster.
Bucky: Bucky.
Sterling: Sour mix, in a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?
[headed to Korea]
Lana: The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!
Sterling: Relax, it's North Korea. The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.
Cyril: Screw you, Archer!
Sterling: Hey! Hostile work environment!
Sterling: You're just doing this to spite me.
Lana: And?
Sterling: [In a deadlock with George] Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Do you hear that?
George: Hear what?
Sterling: That crunching noise?
[Headbutts and breaks George's nose]
Cyril: This isn't my fault.
Sterling: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
Cyril: You cheated on Lana plenty!
Sterling: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Sterling: Yeah, they were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh.
Lana: Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
Sterling: [laughing facetiously] Uh, um, vaguely.
Lana: Okay, well, we all thought you were going to die... and one night, you got really drunk and we almost had sex.
[Archer begins to play with the baby's face with his finger]
Lana: Right before you passed out, you told me Mallory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like, 'Huh, weird.'
[At this point Archer realizes what she's saying, shocked. The ringing in his ears gets louder until eventually it drowns out Lana's voice]
Lana: And then you didn't die, and then a few years went by, and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single. And all the other stuff aside, physically, you're an amazing human being, and all the other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample, just sitting there in Dr. Feldman's - who's security system is a joke, by the way - and so I guess it maybe wasn't the *most* ethical thing I've ever done in my *entire* life, but... Archer? Archer? ARCHER?
Cheryl: I'm not going to stuff that poor girl into my clothes in the trunk of a car like so much... forcemeat.
Sterling: So much what?
Cheryl: Forcemeat! Such as one might find in a quenelle, roulade, or galantine.
[Archer stares at her]
Cheryl: Well, now you're just being obtuse.
Sterling: *I'm* being obtuse?
Pam: And I for one am fed up with it!
Cheryl: Yeah, fed full of muffins and denial!
Malory: But the reward is a million dollars!
Lana: Exactly, and how many drug users would be cured with that money?
Malory: Well, who cares?
Lana: Seriously?
Sterling: Well, you can't give them the money; they'll just go buy a million dollars worth of crack.
Lana: [Getting annoyed] You don't give them the money.
Sterling: You can't. They'll blow it on crack.
Sterling: [Kneeling on front of race car, punching Benoit] And I never got my swan-shaped towel.
Benoit: I can't see, you fool. Get off!
Sterling: I am getting off; I love this.
Cheryl: [post-coital] Conway! That was amazing!
Conway: Yeah, so uh... okay...
[he leaves]
Cheryl: [to herself] Oh my God, I hope I'm pregnant!
Sterling: [the whole Isis staff is injured after Archer crashes the space ship] Hey did I tell you guys I got a goat?
Noah: He just kinda keeled over.
Lana: Probably from your bucket stainch.
Lana: [Talking to Slater] Why are your plans always so complicated? You're like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones. Out.
[first lines]
Sterling: Shh!
Katya: Where will we go? If ISIS thinks you are double agent, we can't stay here, and if we go back to Russia...
Sterling: Russia! Look, no offence, but standing in line for beets and toilet paper isn't my idea of a good time.
Pam: [Sound of machine-gun fire] Oh, my God, did you hear that?
Cheryl: What do you think it is?
Malory: Immigrants! That's all they do, you know - just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.
Sterling: Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life. Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth.
Malory: Well, people in hell want ice water.
Sterling: It's like Meowschwitz in there.
Sterling: Who hunts dogs?
Pam: [off camera] Orientals, duh!
Pam: [Answering phone] Yello.
Cyril: Pam. Listen.
[Chuckles awkwardly]
Cyril: I need you to come to L'Orange. Archer stuck me with a huge tab, then left with my coat, which had my wallet in it, and there's a menacing busboy who won't stop staring at me.
Pam: And you want *me* to come over there and blow a busboy, so he'll forget about your dinner tab.
Cyril: What? No! Come with money to pay the tab.
Pam: Oh... lame.
Lana: [looking for Cecil's keys in his pants] Eww! Son of a...
Cecil: I'm priapic. From the shock.
Lana: Shock doesn't cause priapisms.
[Abbiejean cries]
Malory: [to Abbiejean] Oh, shut up.
Sterling: [to Malory] Hey!
Lana: I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...
Sterling: No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?
Malory: Believe me, I tried.
Lana: Zip it, Gee-baw!
Malory: [gasps] No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!
Lana: Then hush.
Lana: [to Archer] Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.
Sterling: Lana, they're just gonna get broken.
Lana: [weary sigh] I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.
Sterling: I would! I would love to talk, Lana.
Sterling: [drinks] Just don't wanna listen.
[drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]
Malory: Good God! You'd think he's half fainting goat.
Malory: Ugh... it smells like a whorehouse in here.
Sterling: Something something, your own fingers.
Malory: What?
Sterling: Nothing... Johnny Bench called.
Dr. Krieger: I still have one bullet left. It's your choice Cyril.
Cyril: Archer, I thought he used all six how many are left?
Sterling: I don't know who do I look like? Count... Bullets?
Lana: Kazak? Hello? Kazak? Kazak!
[Dog comes bounding up to Lana]
Lana: Ahh, get away from me. What're you doing?
Sterling: WHAT are you doing? Lana, you can't beckon him and then rebuff him.
Lana: Beckon and rebuff whom?
Sterling: Kazak.
[Dog woofs]
Lana: Ooooh, he's not. He cannot be Kazak.
Sterling: Yes, he can, according to his name tag.
Lana: Ooooh. Son of a bitch!
[Dog woofs and barks]
Sterling: [Petting dog] Well, technically, she's right, huh. Is she right? Who's a sonuvabitch? Are you a sonuvabitch?
[Dog barks agreement]
Sterling: Lana, look, he thinks he's people!
Charles: You are entirely too gay! You, like... *sneeze* glitter!
Pam: Well, thank God for them internets.
Sterling: Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?
[last lines]
Commander: Welcome to the... danger zone.
Brett: Breast cancer? Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Sterling: And the last thing you need is another drink!
Lana: Ugh, seriously! How can you be drinking after last night?
Sterling: How can you not?
Lana: Because I don't have a problem.
Malory: [sighs] Well, I do...
Sterling: First step's admitting it, Mother.
Malory: What? Not with drinking!
Sterling: Eh...
Burt: You're kidding me...
Sterling: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
Burt: You should get a bat-pole.
Sterling: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt: What?
Sterling: Lowest quote I got.
Burt: Well, that's ridiculous.
Sterling: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like, "But what do we do with the garbage?"
Burt: Yeah, but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
Sterling: I know!
Burt: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Sterling: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt: And you were gonna pay for it yourself.
Sterling: Yep.
Burt: No assessment or anything.
Sterling: Yep.
Burt: Ridiculous.
Sterling: Preaching to the choir buddy.
Pam: Whatcha doin', Krieger?
Dr. Krieger: Well, I feel bad for Archer, so I'm making him some Portuguese flashcards.
Cyril: Portuguese? But isn't... I thought Krieger was a German name.
Dr. Krieger: Über-German. It means "warrior".
Cheryl: How come you know Portuguese?
Dr. Krieger: [evasively] Because I grew up in Braz - istol... County... Rhode Island. Lotta... Portuguese in Rhode Island.
Cyril: [skeptically] Where you're from.
Dr. Krieger: Born and raised!
Cyril: Uh-huh. What's the state capital?
Dr. Krieger: Of...
Cyril: Rhode Island.
[Krieger thinks for a moment]
Dr. Krieger: Dallas?
Cyril: A-ha!
Pam: A-ha what?
Cheryl: It's Austin! Duh!
Cyril: It's Providence! But I bet he knows the capital of Brazil, don't you?
Dr. Krieger: I don't have to answer that! Who do you...
Cyril: [interrupting] Warum hast du Umzug nach Brasilien?
["Why did you move to Brazil?"]
Dr. Krieger: Weiter den Kampf der mein Führer!
["To continue my Führer's fight!"]
Dr. Krieger: [Realizing what he just said] Schieße!
[He runs away]
Sterling: Yeah, and what do you even do here? Sit on your ass and analyze data? Well I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life, so, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage. Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet. Stupid thing's electric.
Cyril: Well, he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.
Malory: The secret is negative reinforcement.
Sterling: Yeah, I'm, uhh, just getting that.
Malory: About time. Ass!
Pam: We're a go on operation. Ooh, what should we call it?
Cheryl: Dick Sledge!
Ray: You wanna?
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl: It was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked then I'd have an in. So one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what kind of music he was into or turtles or roll around in his clothes or whatever.
Pam: But you were so busy sniffing his jock you didn't hear him come in?
Cheryl: Because he totally snuck up on me! I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: What? Why did you have a knife?
Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors. And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed.
Pam: Holy shit snacks.
Cheryl: Yeah, they said he could have gone pro.
Pam: [stopping at the janitor's closet] I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.
Cyril: Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.
Pam: For my shower at home.
Lana: Gross.
Ray: Oh, gross.
Cyril: Oh, Lord.
[Pam: 934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall]
Pam: Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.
[Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of saké]
Pam: How's the water?
Doctor: Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...
Pam: Pam.
Doctor: Yes, of course, I know you're...
[Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings]
Pam: So I gained the weight back! Sue me!
Doctor: No, I was...
Pam: Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.
Doctor: Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.
Pam: Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".
Doctor: [she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri] Super. Kampai.
Sterling: Kampai.
Doctor: I need access to a 2 inch drain, hot water, 3 GFCI outlets, this bathroom should do nicely, and a pot of coffee just like I like my women: black, bitter, preferably fair trade. Oh, and your sauce needs less salt.
Sterling: How can you?
Doctor: Put two halves of a potato in with the sauce. It'll absorb the salt. Oh, and I assume that's our patient?
Sterling: Not ours, Krieger. Yours.
Doctor: Thank you!
Kintaru: At least give me the gun.
Sterling: [primes the weapon] I'll give you the bullets!
Kintaru: You'd rather we both die?
Sterling: I'm honestly kind of on the fence!
Ray: Aaah! Derby Day. Wore that exact same hat.
Sterling: Shock.
Malory: [Cheryl is lying unconscious in a pool of water] Oh, my God! What the hell happened here?
Pam: Well, she and Cyril were getting it on, and Cyril lost it...
Malory: So he killed her?
Pam: No, no. And then Cheryl got all freaked out and, long story short, I had to drown her a little bit.
Malory: So *you* killed her?
Pam: [Cheryl comes to, spluttering water,] Apparently not.
Sterling: Astronaut training sucks complete ass. Literally! What's the deal with all the enemas?
Doctor: Uhh.
Sterling: And why do you need so much blood? And wait, now that I think about it...
Commander: Why is this man in the restricted area?
Doctor: Who, him?
Commander: You.
Sterling: What? Krieger!
Doctor: Uhh, smoke bomb!
Commander: And why aren't you with the other trainees?
Sterling: I was told I had to undergo a bunch of extremely invasive medical tests.
Commander: Well, normally you would but by our doctors. But since you're on such an accelerated training schedule...
Sterling: Six enemas is a luxury we can ill-afford. Got it.
Malory: Six?
Sterling: Or, who knows. He put me under. Maybe twelve.
[first lines]
Lord: Malory Archer, you get more beautiful every time I see you.
Sterling: I'm sorry!
Pam: For what? Space-blastering me in the frickin' tits? Or tricking me into that fart-locker to get blasted into outer goddamn space on the off chance you might wanna bang me?
Sterling: Both I guess. Look...
Pam: After you blew me off for Katya the big-titted cyborg! Little Miss, uh...
Sterling: R2-double-D2?
Pam: [chuckles] Nice.
Ray: I'll clean him up, try to get some coffee in him.
Malory: Make sure that's all you put in him!
Malory: Have I made myself clear?
Sterling: You're looking for the answer 'yes'?
Malory: Yes!
Sterling: Then... yes.
Malory: I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet as a Pez dispenser.
Sterling: Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins 'cause you're in the danger zone. From Top Gun!
Pam: Okay, so Cyril got in over his head.
Malory: Jesus. God, did he kill her?
Pam: No, no, no. He ran from her to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts freaking out and long story short, I kinda had to drown her in the tub.
Malory: So you killed her?
Pam: Apparently not, so good news.
Sterling: Because *you* said we were on a break!
Lana: So two days later your *cock's* wet?
Sterling: [scoffs] Oh, I'm sorry, Lana, is there a grace period? Because...
[they begin arguing over each other]
Lana: There is an acceptable amount of time...
Sterling: ...if there is, you neglected to tell me about it...
Lana: ...before you start cramming your trash dick...
Sterling: ...but I guess that's par for the course with you...
Lana: ...into every woman unlucky enough to walk by with...
Sterling: ...because you never bother to consult with me on...
Sterling: *anything*!
Sterling: And for your information, this stupid break wasn't my idea, *it was yours*!
Lana: Because you, prolapsed rectum that you are, are infatuated with Veronica Deane, whose cobwebby old snooch, by the way...
Lana: [looking at Archer's crotch] *I can smell from here*!
Sterling: [chuckling] Well, it's not cobwebby anymore.
[Archer drinks directly from the champagne bottle he had been holding in front of his exposed privates. Lana attacks him]
Sterling: Seriously Krieger, you are my Oprah.
Mallory: New rule! No more office gun play.
Pam: Fine by me; knives and chains are so much more... intimate.
Pam: You know you got shot, right?
Cheryl: For your information, this is a prior wound.
Commander: Okay. Archer.
Sterling: Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Or to her, who... Why is she here?
Malory: Because Tony invited me.
Sterling: Tony? What, are you trying to get my mother into the Million-Mile High Club?
Malory: [a picture of Anka Schlotz is displayed on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch] Sterling Malory Archer! You will not touch a single hair on that girl.
Sterling: Uhh, see... how I just let that go by. Look at me. I am the perfect gentleman.
Pam: Awwww, c'mon! Clock your skinny ass out already, and let's go get outside some dranks!
Dr. Speltz: [after Archer's surgery] Not too soon for good news, I hope. Oh, and also some very bad news.
[Malory gasps]
Malory: What's the bad news?
Dr. Speltz: Oh, I have to take a rain check on that drink.
Malory: What?
Dr. Speltz: I'm on call this weekend.
Cyril: Oh, hey, Archer. Come to think of it, where were you last night?
Sterling: Ask your wife.
Pam: Aww, you know his wife left him... for you, Archer. You screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout. So then she thought the two of you would get married and live happily ever after, but then, you were like whaaaat?
[Archer looking dumbfounded]
Pam: Exactly, that face right there.
Sterling: I...
[turns and walks away]
Sterling: ... Oh.
Cyril: How did that help?
Pam: Mmmm... humanizes you?
Sterling: Lana, I have to taper off! Trust me, if these... Noma Scojens are a real threat, you do *not* want me hungover.
Lana: Do you even still get hangovers?
Sterling: Normally no, but I drank about two gallons of mamajuana this afternoon. I was, uh, playing dominoes with a... Dominican bike gang. Or was it Mahjong? I don't remember.
Malory: [off-screen] Ridiculous!
Sterling: I'm always bored.
Cyril: How are you bored?
Sterling: Because I've been lying in scorpion piss for two hours in the sun-blasted shithole which is Texas, waiting for a stupid truck stuffed with smallish brown people who just want a job.
Cyril: And probably Mexican cartel gunmen!
[last lines]
Sterling: You have a sister?
Lana: [groans] Yes, Archer, I have a sister.
[pause]
Sterling: She younger?
[pause, then Lana pushes the head wrap that she's been holding against Archer's wounds against him harder]
Commander: What the hell is going on here?
Sterling: Uh, an electrical fire in the simulator. And knowing that my colleague's life was in danger, I...
Commander: Acted without thinking.
Lana: As always.
Sterling: Not always...
Commander: Well, thank God you did.
Sterling: ...But almost always!
Malory: Schwein doesn't even touch it.
Sterling: Yeah, well neither did I, mother. I saved her life! Go ask that dick I set on fire!
Sterling: I have cancer.
Pam: Of the tits!
Overweight: You got any idea how much I've got on my plate?
Sterling: Huh, huh.
Overweight: ** sigh ** You know...
Sterling: What? I could have crushed that.
Sterling: Eat a dick, Gort.
Lana: I want to talk about the fact that we're standing in a cranberry bog of blood.
Sterling: Face it, Lana. Angry's basically your default setting.
Lana: Says who?
Sterling: Besides everybody?
Cyril: Well, not everybody.
Lana: Thank you!
Pam: Just the people who've actually met you.
Krieger: Ehhhh, possibly a few others.
Lana: Hey, assholes! I'm not, like, perpetually angry!
Sterling: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Really?
Lana: Yes, really!
Sterling: Scale of one to ten, Lana. How happy would you say you are, in general?
Lana: Oh, easily a six.
Sterling: A six? Then what's a seven? Yea! I've got tons of cancer!
Sterling: Seriously, these potato-heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.
Paddy: You know who yer messin' with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
Sterling: Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board.
[He cocks his shotgun and aims it at Paddy's kneecap]
Sterling: Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Paddy: Vincent... Van Gofuckyourself.
Sterling: Hmm. Vincent Van Gofuckmyself. Survey says?
[He shoots Paddy's kneecap]
Lana: Jesus! Archer!
Sterling: What, Lana? I said it was a rampage!
Lana: Still, though!
Paddy: [screaming in pain] Oh, you son of a whore!
Sterling: [in a mocking Irish accent] Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
[He turns to the second mobster]
Sterling: Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge!
[no response]
Sterling: Err-err! Need an answer!
[the mobster spits in his face]
Sterling: Hmm. Cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Let me see cock-flavored spit!
[He shoots the second mobster's kneecap; Archer reloads as the mobster screams in pain]
Sterling: Guys, that's two strikes. One more wrong answer, and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank!
[He turns to the bound and gagged janitors]
Sterling: I'm just assuming you guys don't know what actually goes on here; I hope that doesn't sound racist.
[He turns to Mikey]
Sterling: Okay, kid...
Lana: He IS a kid, Archer, so...
Sterling: Lana, you're in the isolation booth! Lookin' for the douchebag who's...
Paddy: Mikey Hannity, you say one word, and I'll cut yer yellow heart out...
Sterling: Err-err!
[He shoots Paddy dead]
Mikey: OH, CHRIST!
Sterling: Mikey... you gotta listen to me. I have breast cancer.
Mobster: Ha-ha, breast cancer!
[With an annoyed look on his face, Archer shoots the second mobster dead]
Sterling: So you'll forgive my impatience, because I and a lot of other people have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.
Mikey: Chemo? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!
Sterling: Do I look like I need bald guy cream? Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this. It's so thick, my barber charges me double. I love my hair. As I'm sure you love your kneecap.
Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution!
Sterling: Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
Mikey: They make the pharmacists buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to - I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with the fake stuff here! And those pricks do all the packin'!
[Archer turns to the janitors]
Sterling: Wh - you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!
Lana: [sarcastically] Were ya?
Sterling: [after explosions or gunfire] Meep, meep.
Pam: My cooch has cobwebs!
Woodhouse: Oh, I'll just yank his pants off, splash a lot of scotch and women's underthings about, and then tell him he slipped and fell chasing a terrified Asian prostitute out onto the patio. It's not the first time I've bashed his head in and had to cover my tracks. Happens three, four times a year.
[last lines]
Sterling: No! Not Deliverance.
[chuckles]
Sterling: In Gator.
Agent: [disgusted] Oh.
Sterling: Right.
[pause]
Sterling: How can you not see that?
Slater: Pam and Crazy Glue, your job is to stay out of everybody's way, so maybe go do that in the rear.
Pam: [scoffs] What, like, butt-sex?
Slater: Of the ship.
Pam: Well let's keep an open mind.
Cheryl: Yes, I spent like every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about
[link=nm1118823]
Cheryl: . Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Sterling: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Not THAT, ass. Prove you're really a Tunt.
Sterling: Oh, man. What have I been doing?
Lana: Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Sterling: Ewwww.
Lana: Figure of speech.
Sterling: Still, though. Ewwww.
Sterling: I basically just lurch from one fireable offense to the next.
Cheryl: Ugh! Like the infamous luau incident?
Sterling: Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to apologize for that?
Cheryl: Once would be nice!
Sterling: Um, no.
Trinette: What?
Sterling: Breast cancer and yes, seriously. And I don't know how it's going to turn out, so I wanted to, you know, spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.
Trinette: He's not even your real kid!
Sterling: So?
Trinette: So, it's weird.
Sterling: So is me paying you child support, Trinette, but you keep cashing the checks!
Trinette: Hey.
Sterling: I'm sorry. Come one, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son, but he's probably as close as I'm ever going to get.
Trinette: Ugh, um... Where are you taking him?
Sterling: I don't know. What's he into?
Slater: [raises fist] Yeah, you know what this is?
Sterling: Your best gal?
Lana: And what are you doing in the window?
Conway: [a la Chuck D] Base!
Conway: [normal voice] Jumping.
[laughs]
Conway: This is a parachute.
Commander: No! We can't jeopardize the women.
Lana: Cough?
Malory: Well, not you.
Sterling: Did we lose some people?
Pam: Lana and Cyril bailed! Trifling bitches! Here! Unless you're a trifling bitch too!
[hands Archer a metal Thermos, he drinks]
Sterling: Oh! Agh! What did I just put inside me?
Pam: Green Russians! It's absinthe and...
[they notice a stripper]
Pam: milk. Sweet shitsnacks! Look at those!
Malory: [to Lana] But let me just tell you, okay? You should be thankful you have Cyril.
Cheryl: [to Pam, softly] For about twelve reasons.
Sterling: Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.
[Cyril: Hey]
Agent: [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling: Make me!
Agent: What?
Sterling: What?
Sterling: What? You hear machine guns and decide now's a good time to take out the... oh. Oh, that's groceries. I'm sorry. I thought it was garbage.
Ray: But do reverse cowgirl because that carpet is seriously heinous.
Sterling: [riding across "Ken's" shoulders] Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs, and then all the remaining ones?
Sterling: America is not your enemy! Japan has no enemies! You're like...
[pauses, laughs]
Sterling: I want to say, "a platypus," but... I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.
Cheryl: You guys, I'm kinda freaking out. Is it OK if I glue up?
Malory: It's your house.
Ruth: Oh, you poor thing. Does someone you love have breast cancer.
Sterling: Yeah. Me. Umm, name's Archer.
Malory: The classic Irish man's dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?
Doctor: Aw, Goatly.
Goon: Ty skin syn, ISIS shiphon! Even if you kill us, more will come, Archer.
Sterling: [in Russian] Khorosho! Ya ih Toje zamochu togda!
[Archer places the cooking spray can into the goon's mouth and shoots it]
Claudette: [Entering hot tub, nude] Mmmm, oh, isn't this just so relaxing?
Sterling: [Awkwardly embarrassed] Is it?
Claudette: Well, nudity is our natural state.
Lemuel: He's not nude!
Claudette: Whaaat? Then why are you in here?
Sterling: I was just asking myself that same...
Claudette: That's ridiculous. You have to be naked, otherwise it's pointless.
Sterling: [Gulping] Is it?
Claudette: Trunks, young man; trunks!
Sterling: Ah... okay.
Lemuel: There, that's not so hard, is it?
Sterling: So, do you guys do "phrasing"?
[first lines]
Malory: And if that happens again I'll put a lock on it so no one can enjoy it.
Sterling: So when you filled out your insurance, you weren't thinking about my tan, muscular arms, or my ass in the combat firing stance.
Lana: No! I wasn't. I don't. I mean, I'm...
Sterling: So full of shit your eyes are brown.
[a grenade is thrown onto the bridge of the yacht where Archer and Lana have taken cover. They both reach for the grenade, their hands touch, and they gaze into each other's eyes]
Sterling: No, they're...
[Archer tosses the grenade away]
Sterling: Oh, my God... they're green.
[the grenade explodes]
Sterling: Like emeralds. How did I never see that? Lana, your eyes are amazing.
Lana: Archer.
[They close in to kiss]
Sterling: I mean, not compared to your tits, but...
[Lana shoots Archer in the foot]
Sterling: Ow! Ow! What is your problem!
Sterling: Noah, I'm half drunk and slathered in every bodily fluid there is, so, yeah, this is about as pirate king-y as I'm going to get. Brief away.
[first lines]
Sterling: [driving a Mini] Because this is what was there, Lana.
Agent: Where? Outside a clown college?
Sterling: There's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that. Ugh, I touched my mother's dildo.
Malory: I think Lana just broke Torvald's hand.
Sterling: Truckasaurus!
Lloyd: Here. Both of you. Get your fat mouths around some hot, crispy toast.
Dafydd: TOOOAST!
Lloyd: Damn it, Daffyd! Come and have some toast!
Sterling: I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock its luxuriant fullness. Touch it, Barry.
Malory: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.
Sterling: Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenaged sociopath, interrogated by gendarmes, oh, three stitches in my penis, so, yep, it's all breaking my way.
Pam: But this time, get in there! All you've been doin' is giving one side hell!
Pam: [sitting on toilet] Ah, man, am I missing all the hot Asian group action?
Cheryl: [looking out window through binoculars] No, nobody's doing anything. Well... Lana's destroying the toilet.
Pam: Join the club.
Cheryl: Ugh. That's what you get for eating elk.
Sterling: That's good, because I have waited my entire life to say this exact phrase.
[Archer draws his sawed-off double-barreled shotgun]
Sterling: I am commandeering this airboat!
Robert: And sure enough, we made love right there in the jazz club, and to this day, I can't even hear a muted trumpet without getting erect.
[mimics trumpet fanfare]
Sterling: What a great story, Robert. I just wish it could have been louder and grosser.
Ray: E.Z., don't shoot; I'm coming out.
Sterling: [laughing] Phrasing.
Cheryl: It's not you, it's your weak womany hands. It's like being choked by a child, which I thought would be hot, but...
Dr. Krieger: Wait, I can take steroids!
Sterling: [fires grenade launcher] Whoo!
Lana: Archer?
Sterling: Hold on.
[grenade goes off]
Sterling: Yes, Archer, duh. And if you're done doing each other's hair, let's...
Commander: ...retake the ship!
[runs off]
Sterling: Or just run around interrupting people.
Sterling: Well, look on the bright side!
Lana: Which is?
Sterling: Which is what?
Lana: What's the bright side?
Sterling: Oh... It's a figure of speech.
Pam: [Covering Malory with a blanket] Aw, look. She's almost not terrifying.
Lana: [sighs] Thanks, you guys. I think the spa day took her mind off Archer being missing... even if it almost got weird.
Cheryl: She made it weird.
Lana: No, you did. Nobody wants an enema.
Cheryl: Some people...
Lana: Not with yogurt.
Sterling: How could she pick Lana over me?
Woodhouse: The mind fairly boggles.
Sterling: Exactly! Wait. Was that sarcasm?
Woodhouse: No, sir.
Sterling: Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.
Woodhouse: Well played, sir.
Sterling: Thank you.
[long pause]
Sterling: Thank you.
Sterling: Look how tiny this room is.
Malory: Oh, my God, it's like a broom closet.
Sterling: And yet, a surprising amount of storage.
Malory: Oh, shut up. And Cyril, very eager to know why you're still here.
Agent: He was just...
Cyril: ...helping Lana get settled.
Sterling: Trust me, Cyril, she already settled.
Cheryl: Does anybody's ass look good in a flight suit... no!
[last lines]
Sterling: Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y -
[starts laughing uncontrollably]
Sterling: .
Ramon: And what is so funny about that?
Sterling: [still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - scared and alone!
[laughs]
Sterling: And possibly dehydrated!
Pam: [Pam, riding in the car with Archer, learns the bus is carrying a hundred pounds of cocaine] Holy dick burn; you got a buyer lined up in Texas and everything?
Sterling: Well, not exactly or at all. But, Pam, come on, we're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere wants enough cocaine to forget they live there.
Pam: Yeah, but not a hundred pounds.
Sterling: Maybe, we'll get lucky; find an entire town that wants to commit suicide.
Sterling: Well, all of my hair fell out.
Lana: I'm sorry.
Sterling: Me, too. It was my fifth best feature.
Lana: But if you didn't, uh OK, so where would Archer get that much cocaine?
Malory: Well, who knows with him. Maybe wherever he got that new kind of V.D. none of the doctors had ever seen before.
Lana: Wha.. when was that?
Pam: Yeah, when was that?
Cheryl: Seriously, when...
Malory: Trust me, if you had it, you'd know.
Pam: Whew!
Lana: I loathe knowing that I had sex with the same person as you two.
Pam: What? You had sex with *me*.
Lana: No, I...
[gasps]
Lana: Oh, my god, that's right.
Malory: Ha!
Pam: What are you laughing at?
Malory: Oh, my god, that's right.
Slater: If you think the Middle East is messed up now, just wait until nobody needs their oil.
Cheryl: Let me guess - you got all butt hurt because Lana hired an actor to shoot you so you wouldn't endanger the baby. So you went to Vegas and went on a bender and now you're broke and need me to bail you out so you can fly home.
Sterling: Let me tell you everything that you got wrong. Sending the money would be great except that I'm on the no fly list.
Pam: How did you get on the no fly list?
Sterling: Shut up Pam!
[flashback - Archer is on a plane pounding on the cockpit door with an empty Mai Tai and fighting off airline personnel]
Sterling: I wanna fly the plane!
Cheryl: So you need me to send you money for a train ticket?
Sterling: Well that would be great except I'm also on the no train list.
Cheryl: I didn't know there was a no train list.
Sterling: Neither did I.
[flashback - repeat of the plane incident, except on a train]
Sterling: I wanna fly the train!
Cheryl: So, Krieger's a doctor!
Cyril: Not the medical kind!
Dr. Krieger: Not even the other kind...
Sterling: Oh boy...
Dr. Krieger: ...technically.
Sterling: If Pam knows, then everyone knows, because of Pam's huge mouth.
Woodhouse: Sometimes I think I should just run away, but who would take me in? No one, Woodhouse; no one.
Sterling: Commence operation something about I rescue Lana and she begs me to take her back, so then Cyril commits suicide... Swear to god I had something for this.
Sterling: I seriously don't feel good at all.
Malory: That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood.
Sterling: Oh, hey, speaking of fifth...
Malory: A drink's the last thing you need.
Agent: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Sterling: Hey! What'd I tell you, huh? Huh?
[Archer slaps man attempting to light cigarette]
Man: Ow!
[Archer grabs the man and shoves several bills of money in his mouth]
Sterling: There! Go buy a nicotine patch!
Cheryl: But it mutated and now we're on the verge of World War II.
Pam: Three.
Cheryl: It's not a competition, Pam!
Sterling: Super glad I didn't wet my pants.
Agent: I don't care if you have fifty dead hookers in the trunk. You lied to me.
Sterling: The "famille" thing actually makes this borderline creepy.
Framboise: Perhaps if you tried it from behind?
Sterling: Yeah, let's try that.
Sterling: [Steals the uniform of a crewmember prisoner] How's my disguise?
Lana: Depends. Who're you supposed to be, Topper Bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?
[Prisoner laughs at Archer]
Sterling: What - they're you're clothes, idiot!
[He shoots the prisoner]
Lana: Ah, dammit, that was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain.
Sterling: There's a chocolate fountain?
Mallory: To bumble or not is up to you... , but whoever finds it, gets to keep it.
Sterling: [about to throw grenade] Oh, I had something for this one... uummm... Eat grenade!
Doctor: And now a sad moon is on the rise.
Anka: I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is fourteen.
Sterling: What is it? The Alabama of Europe?
Sterling: So I get to go to the French Riviera on the ISIS dime. To do what exactly?
Malory: Locate a stolen shipment of Red Eye missiles and kill the arms dealer trying to sell them, Spirodon Skorpio.
[Video screen behind Malory displays a picture of an overweight, hirsute man in a bathing suit]
Sterling: Whoa! What, is diabetes busy?
Malory: What is it with you people and reefer?
Lana: Do you mean musicians or Negroes?
Malory: Pick one.
Pam: [to Cheryl] If your brain were a drug, I'd snort the shit out of it.
[repeated line]
Cheryl: [shouts] You're not my supervisor!
Sterling: [sniffs shell casing] Yeah, that's our Lana. Let's see, so judging from the shell ejection, she was firing at, what I really hope was not an Ent... because that is the last thing we need - an Entmoot. Oh, my god, what if I'm gay for Tolkien?
Cyril: Laaanaaaaaa!
Lana: I'm coming, Cyril!
Sterling: Bet that's the first time you ever said that.
Woodhouse: Hell indeed, sir, because, one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce... are being murdered.
Sterling: Oh, my God. Are we out of Bloody Marys?
Cherlene: [Cherlene, hiding in a wooden box which is fired upon by machine guns, safely jumps out] God dammit! Who drilled my box?
Sterling: So, we're just done with "phrasing", right? That's not a thing anymore?
Malory: Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...
Sterling: [On recording] Hello?
Malory: Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...
Sterling: Ha, voicemail. You know what to do.
Malory: Oh, for God's sake.
Sterling: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
Malory: Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.
Sterling: Hold on, hold on! Hang on!
Malory: Pick up, Sterling. Pick...
[Vase smashes and cat meows]
Sterling: I got it.
Malory: Sterling?
Sterling: Don't hang up!
[Pans clatter then answering machine beeps]
Sterling: Hello?
Malory: Sterling, it's...
Sterling: Ha. Elaborate voicemail hoax. Leave it.
[Malory grunts and repeatedly slams the phone down]
Sterling: Fuck your dolphin, Pam. Fuck your fucking dolphin.
Agent: I think she's down.
Sterling: Fuck you.
Agent: I think she peed.
Sterling: Hey! You idiots want to hear my plan or not? All right. So. Suggestions?
Cyril: About what?
Sterling: What are we talking about? Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN.
Cheryl: You said you had a plan.
Sterling: My plan is to crowdsource a plan.
Sterling: Lana, I'm sorry I attacked you; I honestly don't know what got into me, and when this is over, you can punish me however you see fit.
Cheryl: It's "howmever".
Sterling: Shut up! But this calls for some serious swashbuckling and no one else can buckle swashes like me.
Noah: If the king loses to a challenger in one-on-one combat he has to step down, or just be dead.
Sterling: Since when?
Noah: Oh, since nineteen always!
Malory: I'm off for a seaweed wrap.
Ray: [sotto voice] I didn't know they made sushi with dried clams.
Malory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist so you can jet off to Whore Island.
Sterling: That's not... a real place.
Malory: I have 50 agents who'd literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be VACANT!... Sterling?
Sterling: Hmm? Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Lana: If anything goes wrong, I'm holding YOU responsible.
Sterling: Yeah, that'll teach me.
Malory: Why not?
Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also cannot be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory: So make her forty.
Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
[Malory hits Cyril on the back of the head with a rolled up magazine]
Brett: [bleeding] Ahh. Ahh, so cold.
Ray: What? Brett, get off the phone!
Brett: You got it?
Sterling: Yes, hang up!
Sterling: [Threatening to throw the emergency beacon out of the lifeboat] I told you, I'm not going back there!
[Riley aims a flare gun at Archer]
Rip: Well, you say that...
[Archer points his pistol at Riley]
Sterling: Riley, no shit, I will shoot you.
Rip: And then I'll shoot YOU with a flare, and then I'll use a D-ration to burn two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
[pause, then Archer lowers his gun]
Sterling: Goddamn, dude.
Rip: Sorry, but you're actin' really crazy.
Sterling: Well, being a spy makes you crazy! I mean, what kinda job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? Hello! Stress! And don't even get me started on my mother. I mean, she...
Rip: She can be a steel-clad bitch. I know! Why do you think I left ISIS?
Sterling: Wh - you were an ISIS agent?
Rip: Briefly, way back. It didn't work out because, y'know, your mother...
Sterling: Was impossible to please, right?
Rip: [under his breath] God, if you only knew.
Sterling: What?
Rip: [Recovering quickly] How much your mom loves you... you would at least have the heart to tell her you're quittin' in person.
Sterling: Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Rip: Oh, man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.
Sterling: Oh, come on, that marriage was doomed.
Rip: And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
Sterling: Uh... yeah.
[a ship's bell rings in the distance]
Sterling: And hey, we're not doomed. Look!
[a speedboat rapidly approaches the lifeboat]
Sterling: Over here! Hey! Over here!
Rip: No, no, no, quit waving, get down!
Sterling: Don't you wanna get rescued?
Rip: Yeah, but those could be pirates.
Sterling: Wh - okay. Then I guess they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians.
Rip: What?
Sterling: What, what? What are you talking about?
[Cut to Archer and Riley, tied up aboard the pirates' speedboat]
Sterling: I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were... still a real thing.
Sterling: [Archer shows Cyril a pen] This is what a real field agent uses.
Cyril: Huh. Point's a lot finer than what I prefer.
Sterling: That's because it's a hypodermic needle.
Cyril: What?
Sterling: And the cartridge is full of a deadly supertoxin called poizo... caine.
Cyril: [Archer puts pen in Cyril's pocket] Uh, hey, whoa. Wait a minute.
Sterling: Keep it in here. But be careful! The cap slips off for like no reason.
Malory: My point is...
Cherlene: All babies should be drowned?
[stares from Malory, Pam, and Lana]
Cherlene: Not all babies. Just baby people.
Lana: I'm serious. I want it on record that I think this is a terrible plan.
Malory: Duly noted and disregarded. And I expect you to be totally convincing.
Lana: As the damsel in distress? Have you ever met a woman less damsel-y?
Malory: Pam.
Cheryl: Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug or 2, you get inside me.
Cyril: Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
Cheryl: I don't think that's how blimps work.
Cyril: Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid naturally safe helium.
Cheryl: But I am liking the jamming imagery. And the killing!
Cyril: And are you just gonna sit there?
Pam: Yeah, until she tags me in!
Cyril: What?
Pam: I'm kidding. My back's all messed up.
Sterling: Way to go, Chokely Carmichael!
Lana: OK, we got the French chick and Carol and... anybody else, Rambone?
Cyril: Nooo.
Scatterbrain: [Waving as she walks past the open office door; in sing-song voice] Hiiii, Cyril.
[Her light laughter turns into coughing and hacking]
Lana: Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
Cyril: Well, say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Lana: [laughing] Oooh, right, I forgot your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Cyril: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
Lana: Yep. Anybody else?
Cyril: Um.
[Memory flashback to being in Malory's office]
Cyril: Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
[Malory is heard to laugh]
Cyril: Aren't you?
[Flashback ends]
Cyril: NOPE! No one.
Lana: Okay; get out.
Cyril: Of my own office?
Lana: Yep.
Cyril: Why?
Lana: Oh, you don't wanna be here... when I bang every last dude in the building.
Cyril: WHAT?
Lana: Right here on your blotter.
Sterling: Eat a dick, gravity.
Lana: We're stuck inside a space nautilus somewhere between his colon and his cloaca.
Pam: What's a cloaca?
Cyril: It's an organ that's used for excretion and also intercourse.
Pam: [chuckles] Smart.
Fat: So, see, in Middle Earth...
Conway: Shh! Shh, shh, shhh. Come on, buddy.
[while being chased by the cops at high speed]
Burt: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
Sterling: Hooray.
Burt: You know what your problem is?
Sterling: My pants are wet?
Burt: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
Sterling: Don't make it weirder!
Burt: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
[a police car pulls up next to them]
Burt: Oops. Hang on!
[He sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
Sterling: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
Burt: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
Sterling: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
Sterling: OW!
Burt: How 'bout now?
Sterling: It's gone. I'm all ears.
Burt: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
Sterling: See wh -
[He looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
Sterling: No! BURT, NOOO!
[Burt laughs]
Sterling: Please don't do this!
[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
Sterling: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
Sterling: My pants are now literally wet.
Burt: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
[pause]
Sterling: Huh.
Burt: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her", I mean...
Sterling: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
Sterling: ... bet. Goddamn it.
Burt: Now whaddya say we have some fun?
Sterling: [Holding up his pistols] Whatever.
Sterling: Oh, and I also got stabbed.
[Cyril writing pros and cons on the board]
Sterling: How is that a pro, you dick?
Cyril: Uh, learning experience?
Sterling: Well, joke's on you; I didn't learn anything.
Lana: There's your fridge magnet.
Rona: Ohmigod, this is going to be...
Sterling: Don't say it! I swear to God!
Rona: [whispered] Amazing!
Sterling: That is a goddamn space ocelot!
Sterling: Forget about Krause, there's your bomber. That guy, Beardsley McTurban-head.
Malory: You idiot. That's Sandhu Singh, the billionaire investor. He's a Sikh.
Sterling: Oh, so if he's not a Muslim, he just gets a pass? Well that's called profiling Mother, and I don't do it.
Capt. Lammers: Mr. Singh is a Excelsior's majority shareholder.
Sterling: So.
Capt. Lammers: If anything went wrong with this flight, he'd lose millions.
Sterling: It's the perfect cover.
[first lines]
Slater: [V.O. on establishing location shot] Wait. What happened? I thought you were gonna renovate this place.
Malory: As did I, but I was betrayed by a lying little country music wannabe.
Cheryl: [shouting from outside the room] Was that directed at me?
Malory: Yes! Who else?
Cheryl: [shouting] I don't know who all lies to you!
[intercom beeps]
Cheryl: [sweetly over intercom] Also, there's a Mr. Slater here to see you.
Slater: It's just "Slater". It's a mononym, like...
Malory: Jesus Christ!
Slater: Nope.
[chatter on police radio]
Detective: Well, what do you think?
Detective: I think that in my next life I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
Detective: Yeah, Look out, gay porn.
Detective: Rim shot.
Detective: Yeah, that could be your name. So what, some movie star lives here?
Detective: Yes, Veronica Deane. Don- don't you remember? She's a person of interest in the other murder we're working.
Detective: No shit.
Detective: Wait, what are you- We were just questioning her ten hours ago! *He* was her alibi.
Detective: You like her?
Detective: As an actress or for this homicide?
Detective: Both.
Detective: Loved her in Shanghai Moon.
Detective: Oh, my God, that dress?
Detective: Right? But as for Tenessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her. See if she knows who tried to weight him down... with an ounce of lead. Found it on the ground, over there, by the table.
Detective: Is it hers?
Detective: Hard to tell with no serial number.
Detective: Yeah, probably why they put them on there.
Detective: Rim shot.
Detective: Hey, you should ask Veronica Deane if her agent reps gay porn stars.
Detective: And maybe if she murdered this guy.
Detective: Huh, you've got a real knack for this.
Detective: Rim Schott.
Detective: [flicks cigarette into pool] Yeah, you don't have to say it every time.
Detective: No, as my gay porn name. Not bad.
Lana: You good?
[Archer takes several fast, deep breaths]
Sterling: RAMPAAAAAAAAAGE!
[He dashes out of the car, but trips over his IV stand and falls]
Lana: Ugh...
Sterling: Little help?
Sterling: Are you shitting me?
Pam: I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd.
Rona: Ohmigod, if I possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
Woodhouse: Not much left of the old Double Deuce any more. We're all dying off.
Sterling: Yeah, uhh, not a huge surprise.
Malory: Baby A.J.! She's missing!
Cheryl: [simultaneously gasp, say] Oh, my god!
Pam: [simultaneously gasp, say] Oh, thank god!
Cyril: Where'd you get the steak?
Conway: Cristal. Yet another offering of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood.
Cyril: Yeah, she's kinda weird that way.
Conway: Yeah, she's kinda weird a bunch of ways.
Sterling: [Caressing his new Dodge Challenger] Ohhh, I can feel it. I can feel your power. What's that? You want me inside you?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: You know my name?
Malory: STERLING!
Sterling: And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. Trust me, mother's idea of horizon broadening is a lot of fights walking home from a lot of jazz tap lessons.
Prince: And so, beckoned by the servant, a powerful Negress giant, Fawad entered the boudoir and soon became a man.
Bardsley: [Seeing Lana making out with Lloyd on the table] Right, then... obviously I've make an extremely embarrassing mistake, so... ah...
Sterling: [Bursting out of the closet by kicking through the door] What the shit, Lana!
Lana: Ah, ha!
Bardsley: Ah, ha, what? Who is this man?
Sterling: I... wait... shit, who am I?
Bardsley: You're Lloyd Llewellyn, if I don't miss my guess, which means your brother Dafydd can't be too far off.
Sterling: Uh, in the closet, jacking off in a hat.
Kenny: My boys are bad ass.
Cyril: Well, so am- Lana. And I'm learning. Oh, and don't forget about Archer.
Kenny: The drunk guy?
Cyril: Well, he may have seemed drunk, but he's...
Lana: [off-screen] ... still drinking?
Sterling: [next scene] Relax, Lana, it's just a bloody mary.
Sterling: [toward bartender] And by the way, not a great one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.
Lana: Archer, at any time in the next 12 hours, this train could be attacked by radical Nova Scotian separatists.
Sterling: [chuckling] Armed with what? Pamphlets about Canada's responsible gun control laws?
Lana: Ugh, the New Scotland Front *has* guns, and they're not afraid to use them, so...
Sterling: So OK, God! I'll switch to coffee.
Sterling: [to bartender] Hey, Heinz fifty-*six*, can I get an Irish coffee?
Lana: No!
Sterling: Lana, I have to taper off!
Pam: That's 150 gallons... of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...
Sterling: Ohhhh, god!
Pam: Come at me, bro!
Pam: What are you doing? From the left, dear. One serves from the left.
Cheryl: Whatever has gotten into you, Calpernia?
Lana: My mistake, ma'am.
Sterling: Well, I should say it is, Calpernia! Mother, your maid is...
[pause]
Sterling: Oh, hello!
Pam: You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
Sterling: Oh is that what you want? Because that's how you get ants!
Lord: Good show, Archer! You really saved my bacon.
Sterling: Huh?
Lord: You really saved my bacon.
Sterling: Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. I love you, Santa Claus!
[Archer covers his face as he weeps]
Sterling: I do!
Malory: We have had to increase the number of field agents since someone went and got himself paralyzed.
Ray: Yeah, that's me, Mr. Selfish.
Malory: More like "Ms."
Agent: [On cell phone] So, what would you say if I told you that your mother made a phony bomb threat just to get a free ride on a blimp?
Sterling: I'd say that's fairly classic her.
Agent: Oh, shut up.
Sterling: And then I'd just sort of laugh at the... uh, uh, watchamacallit... irony?
[Sees bomb timer ticking down]
Sterling: What's with all the bottles? It's like a trailer park Easter.
Sterling: [sighs] Well, I hope you're happy, because I feel like a total dick.
[Archer is marching Sato through the jungle, hands bound and at gunpoint]
Sterling: And also kinda racist. And I resent you making me feel like that, so...
[pause]
Sterling: [scoffs] I'm not a racist.
[next scene, Ray is fanning Malory with a Japanese paper fan]
Malory: [sobbing] Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!
Sterling: I think the phrase your looking for is mission accomplished.
Mallory: The phrase I'm looking for would fill my swear jar to the fucking brim.
Pam: Hmm? Infiltrated the enemy, huh?
Nurple,: The what?
Pam: Enema! Just talkin' about enemas, and how clean and fresh they make you feel. I mean, not you, per se, but people, you know, in general, I guess. And kids also, maybe, I don't know what kids are into these days. Are whippets still a thing? Point is... shitter's clogged.
Rona: Oh, my God, this is gonna be amazing!
Sterling: Well, then, it sucks to be you!
Malory: You'll be who it will suck to be if I have to call my bridge partner!
Sterling: Oooh! Who's your bridge partner?
Malory: The district attorney.
Sterling: So?
Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face. And she says she can't go to a hospital because she's, I quote, "tripping balls".
Sterling: [Awkward pause] You know when I was little, I used to pretend you weren't my mother.
Malory: Me too.
Malory: Not you, Mr. Blood Mobile!
Sterling: Ha, ha. He got shot again.
Malory: [On the phone] What? Yes, I heard what you said! I can't believe the head of the DEA has the balls to say it! Oh, is that a fact? Oh, it is!
[Hangs up]
Sterling: So, how did that go?
Malory: Oh, fine. He was just explaining to me how ISIS won't be collecting the bounty on Calzado.
Lana: What are you talking about?
Malory: Because apparently there's no proof that we did.
Lana: [Angry] But we literally handed Calzado to him!
Malory: And in return, did they hand you a signed receipt?
Sterling: No... oh, shit.
Malory: Well done, because that's exactly the brand of unparalleled professional excellence I've come to expect at ISIS.
Pam: [Running naked by Malory's office] NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! They'll never take me alive.
Malory: What was I saying? Oh yeah, unparalleled professional...
Doctor: [Following Pam with a tranquilizer gun] Oh, for the love of god! Seal the exits!
Malory: Professional...
Cheryl: [Sitting naked with Ray on his wheelchair] That's our pee, and that's the last I better hear about it, because this stupid building is a tinderbox, and I'm going to burn it to the ground.
Malory: ...Excellence...
Sterling: Oh, speaking of excellence, did you hear we met a tiger? But... he... got... murdered.
Pam: We gonna make some cooch chili, or what?
Malory: But wait, Krieger, the body, the bathroom, how did you...
Doctor: Shhhhhhhhhhhh... you do not want to know. Although you probably want to go wash your lips.
Malory: EW!
Lana: Well, that is what portentous means...
Pam: [to Archer] Nice one, Father Guido Sardouchebag!
Malory: Why the hell are you naked?
Sterling: It's after Labor Day!
Malory: Don't shoot! Please! I just killed a man and I think my water just broke, so, I could really, really use a drink.
Pam: Shut up. We're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl: No, we're not. Say the right stuff and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: ...I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Sterling: [in a racecar] Wow, this might be hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection.
Slater: [gets up] So, uh, should I come back?
Malory: No. No, no, no, no, no, of course not.
Slater: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Sterling: There's a sniper out there whose bullet can start World War 3, and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit!
Pam: Yeah.
Cheryl: Yeah.
Ray: Nooo...
Sterling: Cause I really don't see a downside to that Archer-wise...
[picks up a gunbelt]
Sterling: Here load up... should be a big box of grenades around here somewhere.
Lana: [in an air ventilation shaft] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here! I thought that was a joke.
Ray: I was married. For two years. Yeah, I mean, she was a lesbian, but still. We met in a "Pray Away the Gay" Bible group. That was a pretty weird time for me.
Cheryl: Oh my god! How much cancer was in him?
[last lines]
Agent: OK, then, what did you want to talk about?
Cyril: Um, well, uh, a lot of stuff really.
[There is a loud explosion]
Cyril: Starting with the fact that we just bombed Ireland.
Agent: Um, pretty sure that's Wales.
Lance: Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy.
Sterling: Thank you, chef. Want me to prep the 'shrooms?
Lance: No I got these, you do the aubergines.
Sterling: Right away, chef. If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass!
Lance: Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B.
Sterling: Always Be Berating And Belittling.
Lance: [to Lana] And you. Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line.
Sterling: [regarding the small gun he has been tossed] A Baby Browning? This will be great if we have to bruise a sparrow.
Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Sterling: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down, I'm afraid of any Apex Predator that lived through the KT Extinction.
Cyril: The...?
Sterling: Physically unchanged for a hundred million years because it's the perfect killing machine: a half ton of cold-blooded fury with the bite force of twenty-thousand newtons and a stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hooves. And now we're surrounded, those snake eyes are watching from the shadows waiting for the night...
Malory: Woodhouse, dear, I need some more ice.
Woodhouse: Straightaway, mum.
Malory: Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor.
[crushes the drink glass she was holding]
Sterling: Oh, whoa.
Lana: You're not emasculating Krieger.
Doctor: What the hell was the mirror for?
Malory: So you could watch.
Lana: Sterling Archer, I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abijean.
Rip: He's been here voluntarily, partying his ass off, as king of the pirates!
Cheryl: You stood me up again last night.
Sterling: Last? Oh yeah, oh my, what happened was, um, did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much. Happened.
[pause]
Sterling: I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't...
Cheryl: It's Cheryl.
Cheryl: I know, OK, Cheryl.
Sterling: Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual, just, uh, for you know, normal bodily waste excretion.
Malory: If you're quite finished...
Sterling: Damn near.
Malory: then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.
Sterling: Um, why? To all three of those?
Malory: Because, if and when Nikolai shows up, he's not staying at my place!
Doctor: [indicating hypnotized Pam, Cheryl, and Cyril] See? Easy-peasy, zombie squeezie.
Ray: You still gotta get Miss Archer, and she's not a candy-ass like these ones.
Doctor: She's 80 pounds. This stuff could paralyze a gorilla... on angel dust.
Malory: [from outside the room] What? I better not smell marijuana.
Doctor: Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Malory: I swear to god, you people.
[Krieger sprays her with the hypnotizing aerosol]
Malory: Huh!
Doctor: Maolry?
Malory: Yes, Doctor.
Doctor: You're under my con...
[Malory slaps Krieger hard across the face]
Doctor: Oooww.
Malory: [continuing to slap and punch Krieger as he retreats across the room] You son of a... are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you? Walk in here with you idiots smoking reefer like a bunch of yardbirds and you spritz me? YOU SPRITZ ME? Well let me tell you something, Herr Doktor! I killed seven Krauts with a shovel, so one more beardy son of a bitch like you won't make a damn bit of difference.
[Stabs the now completely beaten man sitting on the floor in the shoulder with her high-heeled left shoe]
Doctor: [Screams in pain] Aaaarrrggg.
Sterling: You want me to take a baby... to a murder.
Malory: Wherever. Just out of here. I have no more love to give today.
Sterling: Yeah, but, what is it, like 2:30?
Sterling: You besmirched!
Pam: [a masked man punches Pam in the face] Who taught you how to punch? Your husband?
[the man punches her again]
Pam: You better just fucking kill me.
Lana: Because I don't want it in my car!
Sterling: Well, what do you want me to do, Lana?
[Archer holds up a used airsickness bag]
Sterling: Just throw it out the window?
Lana: Obviously!
Sterling: Oh.
[Archer throws the bag out the car window, striking a pedestrian]
Pedestrian: Ahhhhh!
Sterling: Ha, ha!
Malory: Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? My god, a black
[pause]
Malory: ops field agent.
Pam: Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that.
Sterling: Do you have any idea how many times I've had to get out of handcuffs?
Lana: Whew! Well, thank God you've been arrested so many times.
Sterling: Arrested?
Sterling: This is my manservant, Jerkens.
Rip: Funny stuff.
Sterling: Not now, Jerkens.
Sterling: Ray, to be honest, I'm kinda having second thoughts about this whole thing.
Cheryl: Uh, get in line.
Janelle: Andy Gillette, where are your manners? Get these folks a map of that damn mine field so they can come inside.
[Tone softens]
Janelle: I got some nice hot pie for 'em.
Sterling: OK, now I'm having third thoughts.
Ray: Oh, please don't.
Sterling: It would be rude not to eat her pie, which I assume is not only hot but also moist. Although, hopefully not flaky.
[last lines]
Lana: [moved to tears] Archer. Archer, that is the sweetest thing anybody has ever given me, ever.
Sterling: Well, yeah. But, I mean, the big present, obviously, is, uh...
Sterling: [gestures to the band] "Danger Zone"?
Lana: "Danger Zone".
Sterling: The... Lana, the song.
Cherlene,170147: [singing] Highway to
Kenny: the
Cherlene,170147: Danger Zone / Right into the Danger Zo-o-o-o-one... / Ooh
Lana: Oh. Oh, okay.
Sterling: "Danger Zone", Lana. You know how I'm always saying "Danger Zone"?
Lana: Uh, kinda? Yes?
Sterling: Well...
Lana: It's from a song?
Sterling: [frustrated anger] Yes, it's from a song! Recorded by Grammy winner and possible Faustian bargain-maker Kenny goddamn Loggins!
Lana: [chuckles] Okay, calm down.
[pause to watch them play]
Lana: So who's beard guy?
Sterling: [scoffs] Are you...? That's Kenny Loggins!
Lana: [gasps] From Kenny Loggins Roasters?
[gives Lana a stern look]
Kenny: [singing] Gonna take you
Cherlene,170147: right into the Danger Zone / Highway to the Danger Zone / Right into the Danger Zone
Korean: Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
Sterling: Oh, then, do go ahead and shoot us.
Lana: Archer.
Sterling: What, Lana? It's none of those things. It's not democratic, not a republic, and definitely not glorious. Jesus, watch "Frontline" once in your life.
Malory: [the wee baby Seamus is sitting, crying on Malory's desk] What the hell is wrong with him?
Sterling: He might have a tiny hangover.
Sterling: Say your name.
Benoit: [sighs] Benoit.
Sterling: Balls.
Sterling: Was that so hard, Count Snackula?
[first lines]
Krenshaw: Sterling Archer. Code name Duchess. Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy.
Cyril: But why hasn't she called? I mean, what if she's in danger, or...?
Sterling: Cyril, come on! Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Skorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.
Cheryl: How could you say that?
Sterling: What? I said worst case!
Malory: I know you didn't plan on this baby, but, Sterling, sometimes the unexpected things can turn out to be the most important things in the whole world.
Sterling: Wow! You sound shit-faced.
Sterling: Well, then I should definitely get my turtleneck.
Mallory: Driver, now we're going too fast! We're trying to follow that horse in front of us not inseminate it.
Lana: No, I'm serious. Name one, just one single favor that Archer ever did for any of you.
Cyril: Uhh...
Cheryl: Oh! Oh my God! Chlamydia. Which put me over my deductible so the rest of the year, all my doctor visits were totally free. Score!
Lana: Wow.
Cheryl: Right?
Pam: How much did you go to the damn doctor?
Cheryl: I dunno, like a lot? I kept getting chlamydia.
[She reaches for one of Ray's chips and he slaps her hand]
Cheryl: Ow!
Ray: Get off! Chlamydiot!
Cheryl: Oh, I get it. 'Cause of the chlamydia. Oh, and I'm an idiot.
Sterling: Uhh, yeah, crazy rich. She invented the splashless urinal cake.
[Repeated line]
Lana: God... DAMN it, Archer!
Sterling: Who are you? Wait. Hang on.
Conway: Horatio Kane.
Sterling: God damn it.
Conway: But, Kane, obviously, spelled with a...
Sterling: I got it!
[last lines]
Sterling: So, uh, is that a yes or a maybe or... what?
[pause]
Sterling: Oh, OK, I guess just pout.
[opening lines]
Sterling: [finishes cooking the burger of the week] Okay, kids. Who wants Manning Coleslaw? And-or an explanation of why that's --
[Archer and the Belcher kids get an unexpected visit by the KGB]
Sterling: Funny? Sorry, guys, we're uh...
[One of the officers flips the door sign]
Sterling: Closed, yeah, thanks for getting the sign for me because we are closed.
[a KGB goon locks the door]
Sterling: Especially now that the door is locked and you're not really supposed to be back here. Even if you have, uh, um...
[the other goon reveals a gun under his jacket]
Sterling: I-I was gonna say hairnet.
Cyril: Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?
Sterling: No! Yes. Look, shut up.
Pam: That is some high priced milf.
Sterling: Hey. Shut up, and think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother.
Pam: We could give her a milf-ectomy.
Sterling: If you say milf one more time I will shoot you in your eyeballs.
Pam: I, for one, am going to go watch Hooper and masturbate until my fingers bleed.
Cheryl: [pause] Just tape 'em up.
Pam: [after head-butting an archduke] Oh, sorry, your archdukeness.
Ray: I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like violence against an archduke ever led to somethin' bad.
Cyril: How do you keep track of all these lies?
Sterling: Practice, Cyril. Lying is like 95% of what I do.
Cyril: In your job.
Sterling: Sure.
[Malory has attacked and is choking Cheryl in the restroom when Pam peeks over the wall between stalls wearing her bra under nothing else]
Pam: Hey! Is it too much to ask during the goddamn workday for two separate sessions of 80 uninterrupted minutes each of quality dump time?
Cheryl: [gasping] I mean, I'm not a labor attorney...
Malory: Yes! It is entirely too much to ask!
Pam: I thought so, yeah. I'll pass that on to who or whomever asked.
Sterling: I'm sure you did, mother, but, apparently, Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...
Malory: [said to Seamus] So are you if you piddle in here. And that goes double for number two, mister man, so you just hold it in.
Sterling: Wow. Ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.
Cheryl: [as Malory takes a grape off the serving table and pops it in her mouth] Holy shit, did she just eat a grape?
Pam: Must be her cheat day.
Cyril: I thought to myself, "What would Lana do?"
Sterling: Not Archer?
Cyril: I had to outsmart them.
Lana: AJ, meet Sterling Archer.
Sterling: Hey, uh...
[AJ holds up index finger and turns her head away to finish drinking her juice box]
AJ: Ahhh.
Sterling: Hey, AJ. Uh, we had a lot of very weird and dangerous times together, but you were probably too young to remember me.
AJ: No, I remember. You're Sleeping Beauty; that's what I called you. I kissed you so you'd wake up. It just took a while.
Sterling: You... you brought her to visit me?
Lana: Yeah. It was really important to me that she see Sleeping Beauty.
AJ: That's not what she called him. I called him Sleeping Beauty; she called him a sperm delivery device.
Lana: I said that... one time.
[Show ends]
Lana: [taking fire from space pirates] Everybody strap in.
Pam: Really...
Lana: I said "in", not "on".
Sterling: Woodhouse, what are you doing?
Woodhouse: Uh, sitting down, sir.
Sterling: What, at the table?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: Like people?
Malory: Sterling!
Sterling: What? Look, he thinks he's people!
Malory: [about Mascalzone] As we grew older, his tastes began to grow more exotic. And he began introducing these "acoutramons" very gradually.
Sterling: Well, he'd have to, that thing is huge.
[Lana slaps Archer]
Sterling: Ow, your hands, they're like cricket bats.
Malory: And then you almost got everyone killed, and then...
Mr. Moto: Almost nothing. I'll kill you all right now!
Malory: Do you mind? I'm trying to parent!
[Shoots at Moto]
Malory: That was for Pearl Harbor!
Lana: I'm not tossing the fricking pope!
Lana: [referring to a painting] Even though it's very delicate, it can withstand a surprising amount of shit.
Sterling: Wait, is this an extremely ill-phrased analogy about my penis?
Lana: Yes, Archer, it is, because everything, everywhere, every when is about the paragon of adequacy that is your dick.
Malory: Well, at least I'm not a sex addict!
Sterling: And cue the collective sigh of relief.
Malory: Oh, shut up.
Sterling: And I have another question, MOTHER...
Malory: [Archer is looking under Mascalzone's chair] No, Sterling, don't go back there!
Sterling: [looks] Why does this chair have no seat?
[looks again]
Sterling: And what... is in... his ass?
[Malory finishes her bourbon]
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: What's the frequency?
Sterling: Kenneth?
Lana: [on the phone to Archer] You're such a prick.
Malory: [pours herself a drink] Well yes, but you can hardly blame Archer for being upset, I mean...
Malory: [sniffs] Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach. Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his...
Malory: [winces] goop.
Lana: What? Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was *your* idea!
Malory: [hand on hip] Prove it.
[Lana lets out a huge gasp of surprise]
Malory: So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean. Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a... Malory?
Rona: But you're a man.
Sterling: And then some.
Linda: Bob, what do they want?
Sterling: Hambledurgers, Linda. Would you please go in the goddamn back.
Linda: Well, excuse me, Ike Turner. Jeez.
Sterling: And everybody else, shut up, and watch "Terms of Enrampagement".
Cyril: Why don't you call it "Magnum, P.U."?
Sterling: It's a working title! Idiots!
Malory: Liked him better when he had cancer.
Sterling: First of all, WHAT THE SHIT, MOTHER?
Cheryl: Deaf people are so gross.
Pam: Not as gross as the hook hand ones.
Cheryl: Ehh.
Sterling: And, for dessert, we will have the truth! You hear that, mother? After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth. Uhh, and also, hopefully, shitloads of vodka.
Malory: Oh, that reminds me - Pam! At 9:00 AM Friday all Isis employees are required to take a drug test.
Pam: [Pam is smoking a joint, begins coughing] Crack whore!
Malory: And knock off that damn beat boxing!
Pam: [sighs]
Malory: Last week it was free styling.
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Yes, so, heh heh, did I say is nice boat, or what?
Malory: Yes, Nikolai, you certainly did... which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard the "Chum Guzzler"!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Oh, ha ha ha! I am just getting that!
[last lines]
Malory: Well, Conway's gone. And I'll have nothing to remember him by.
Cheryl: [comes in carrying a blue stick] Except his little mocha love child!
Malory: Oh, my God! You had sex with Conway!
Cheryl: Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.
Malory: But - wait. He was only here for two days. How in hell is that pregnancy test showing positive?
Cheryl: No, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a blue sticker on it.
Sterling: Yeah, tell me how my father might be Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB, or Len Trexler, head of ODIN. I assume those are my only choices.
Malory: Ahem.
Sterling: Oh my. Who else?
Malory: Gene Krupa.
Sterling: What!
Malory: No, wait.
Sterling: The drummer?
Malory: Not Krupa, the other one with the teeth. Buddy Rich.
Sterling: Oh my.
Malory: I could never say no to a drummer.
Sterling: Could you say no to anybody?
Malory: [Slaps Sterling Archer] I said no to plenty.
Pam: Come at me, bro!
Sterling: [On a rooftop across from ISIS with a grappling hook gun] So, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined, I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream, you... Carol!
Sterling: Who's Dicky?
Woodhouse: My brother.
Sterling: What?
Woodhouse: He's younger.
Sterling: Obviously.
Lana: WHAT?
Sterling: Well, first of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer. And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.
Malory: Anyway, Savio was in Italian intelligence...
Sterling: Rimshot.
Malory: Shut up.
Lana: Kinda curious. Why do you even work at ISIS?
Cheryl: Why do you?
Lana: Ha! Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.
Cheryl: Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Malory: And how much will you be splitting?
Cheryl: It actually is a billion dollars.
Lana: I am literally wet with jealousy.
Lana: Since when do you care about other people's feelings?
Sterling: Well, unlike you, Lana, I have empathy. Oh, wait. Uh, sympathy?
Pam: I think it's "symphony".
Cyril: OK, so human intelligence entails what exactly?
Sterling: Well, there's false flags, dead drops, drop outs, cut outs, active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles; the often underappreciated honeypot - one of my favorites.
Cyril: Wow, sounds like a lot to cover.
Sterling: Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... almost all of it.
Bucky: We hold erection for king!
Sterling: Well, that's flattering. It's not really necessary.
Noah: He means elections.
Sterling: [Holding up shirt on hanger] Lana! Hey, what does this smell like?
Agent: Umm, like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago!
[Flash back to Archer and Lan in bed]
Agent: Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Sterling: You are amazing, Sweet Stuff.
Agent: Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn?
Sterling: God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're those little cookie elves.
[Lana makes a kiss noise toward Archer; his phone rings]
Sterling: Just a second.
Agent: No, Baby, don't answer that.
Sterling: I have to; sorry, it's mother.
Agent: Oh.
Sterling: Mother, hey.
Agent: I cannot believe you.
[Switches off porn]
Sterling: [On phone] Just a second.
[Turns to Lana]
Sterling: No, turn it... turn it on. I... I can do both.
[Lana gives him a side-eye glance]
Sterling: What?
Agent: So don't speak to me - ever. And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die.
[Knocks the shirt out of Archer's hand]
Sterling: Oh, really. After all that HR mediation? Really?
Kintaru: How can I relax when we are at war?
Sterling: We're not! Here.
[Archer taps his phone, shows it to him]
Sterling: Shut up. Look. Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri.
[swipe]
Sterling: Here's all the VJ Day parades in America. Here's
[swipe]
Sterling: The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. That's Lupus and Tanner. Oh, and
[swipe]
Sterling: here's a link to an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man about this exact thing we're doing right now!
Kintaru: The "six million" who?
Sterling: [sighs] God, we've got so much to catch up on. Okay, so there's this guy, Steve Austin, and he was an astronaut, but- damn. Wait. Okay, So, an astronaut...
Kintaru: [takes the phone] What is this thing? This device?
Sterling: It's a telephone, kinda, that talks to outer space, and also a- shit!
Kintaru: What?
Sterling: [takes phone back] I'm supposed to go find a computer.
Kintaru: [chuckles] Here? There are no building in the jungle big enough to hold a computer!
Sterling: No, they're really smal now. I think you guys actually did that.
Sterling: Get 'em up, Dudley Douchebags!
Lana: [cradling a baby] But you said I could hold him!
Trinette: You've been holding him, and you've been drinking, and your hands are so damn big.
Lana: But...
Trinette: I don't want you to crush him.
Lana: But I'm gentle.
Pam: Lana...
Ray: Give her the rabbit, Lenny!
Sterling: And there's so much I still wanna do!
Malory: Oh, now you're gonna be fine.
Sterling: Like I've never been to Rome.
Malory: What? Yes you have.
Sterling: For work, mother!
Malory: Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you, look at me, you are going to beat cancer.
Sterling: But what if I don't?
Lana: So, how's this going?
Malory: Not great.
Sterling: Lana, what if I don't?
Lana: Um.
Malory: Can you take him home?
Lana: Can you not?
Malory: No. If I don't get something to eat I'm going to literally die.
Malory: For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?
Cheryl: In my work.
Malory: That may be the funniest thing you've ever said.
[Archer and Lana are captured by North Koreans]
North: Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish, we take you back to glorious Democratic Peoples' Republic of Korea.
Sterling: Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us.
Lana: Archer!
Sterling: What, Lana? It's none of those things! It's not democratic, it's not a republic and definitely not glorious!
Ziegler: [Referring to a group of German soldiers] Oh, do not listen to them; their pockets are stuffed with back pay... and they have not seen a woman in months.
Mallory: [Holding out a money bill] Ahem... here, take this down to the shop and tell Mr. Wong you want the biggest jar of cocoanut butter he's got.
Charlotte: Why?
Mallory: Trust me.
Agent: Baby, I AM putting you in the corner!
Malory: What the hell are you wearing?
Cheryl: Uhh, this thing called "My boss made me sleep at my desk", so pajamas.
Woman: [looking from behind shower certain with fellow] Hey, freaky bigtime.
Sterling: Ah!
Woman: You owe us a hundred thousand bhat!
Sterling: Oh, uh, right, yeah, yeah. No- no problem. Oh, and I've got an extra twenty thousand if you're genetic females.
[they open the curtain wide, revealing themselves entirely to Archer; of them we see only their soapy backsides]
Sterling: [looks at their crotches in turn] Super.
Malory: Ugh, too salty.
Sterling: Yeah, I know. You got a potato?
Malory: What is this, Christmas?
Malory: Cyril, go do whatever it is you do...
Sterling: Like suck at stuff.
Malory: ...and leave this to people who are more qualified.
Sterling: At not sucking at stuff.
Rip: I'm setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.
Sterling: A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?
Pam: You're kidding.
Sterling: No, I'm dead serious.
Pam: Yeah?
Sterling: I want to file an HR complaint against Conway.
Pam: On what grounds?
Sterling: He touched my penis with his penis!
Pam: Wow.
Sterling: Yeah. He just came up to me and was like, bwoop!
Pam: Where?
Sterling: All of it! Head and shaft.
La: Are you sure you cannot make love to me just once more?
Sterling: Not without a blood transfusion, no.
Sterling: It's pretty hard to stay anonymous when you're the world's greatest secret agent.
Burt: Well, calling yourself that can't help.
Malory: Oh, don't stand here gaping at me. Go... thwart something!
Sterling: [Beeping horn while sitting in his 2-seat car that is on top of a flatbed truck] Let's go, you dumb idiots! Well, one of you anyway; the rest of you, maybe car pool. Luigi won't let anybody ride in the cab. I mean, unless you're down for road head.
Pam: [Raising hand] Shotgun!
Agent: We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits.
Sterling: Uhhh, any way we can bump that to five? I, I seriously need a shower.
Agent: Archer!
Sterling: Okay, God! Climb down off that rag.
Malory: Dr. Krieger's covert team installed these surveillance cameras while Limón was out shopping yesterday.
Doctor: Yep, we've got video and audio with a satellite feed back to these hard drives. Same set-up I've got in my van.
Sterling: Jesus, Krieger. You're still taping bum fights?
Doctor: No, now I'm into something... darker.
Pam: Okay, let's go put some stank on it!
Sterling: [Lana and Archer still in bed] Oh, God. I just ejaculated dust. I'm pretty sure it was my own pulverized skeleton. One more go?
Krieger: [Suddenly appearing in the bedroom] So, hey guys.
Lana: I would act startled, but it would probably kill me.
Krieger: Turns out those eggs are highly addictive and make you act out your deepest desires.
Sterling: Yeah, that's kinda where we came out on it. So, if you'll excuse us...
Woodhouse: Ants! All over my body.
[Ray slaps Woodhouse]
Ray: So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some "Malcolm X" tea!
[Ray slaps Woodhouse again]
[repeated line]
Dr. Sklodowska: ...so be it.
Malory: Oh, for... Sterling, Lana, go through the old ISIS files and find an arms dealer; Cyril, go lock up the product before Cokie Monster here
[stares at Pam and her coke-covered face]
Malory: gobbles it all up; and Ron, take me to lunch.
Ron: It's 8:30 in the morning.
Malory: A bar, then; whatever. Ooh, or maybe a jazz club. We can smoke refers with these Negroes you're suddenly so nuts about.
Ron: It was 1940.
[first lines]
Lance: Why do I seem annoyed? Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, I'm talking to you cockwits. What else? Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the State Department and Albania. So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security threat, so my highly-trained staff... Has been infiltrated!
Lana: Sorry...
Lance: By Shithead Squadron!
Lana: Just need to grab some menus, for - the camera, why is there a camera?
Lance: I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers?
Interviewer: [off-screen] Two-point-eight.
Lance: Because it's not promoted properly!
Lana: This is gonna be televised?
Interviewer: [off-screen] Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef?
Lana: Mm. Scuse me.
Lance: Thank you, giraffe-lady! Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason they have to do that undercover, so -
[sound of metal bowl hitting floor, making a WONGWONGWONGWONG noise for a long time]
Sterling: [off-screen] Whoops.
Lance: That's probably why I seem annoyed.
Pam: I'm a desirable, full-bodied woman, but nobody will have sex with me! And I have so much love to give!
Slater: [points to door with thumb] I'm gonna go.
Sterling: [walking in with Lana and baby Abbiejean] Good. Why are you here in the first place?
Malory: Mr. Slater...
Slater: Just "Slater"! And hang on.
[to Archer]
Slater: Excuse me, are you and I gonna have a problem?
Sterling: [pouring a drink] I mean, I'm sure we will at some point, but...
Malory: Sterling, Mr...
Slater: [firmly] *Just* "Slater".
Malory: has...
Slater: Had...
Malory: [appeasingly] an important assignment for us, which I'm sure we can... kick right through the basket for
[makes "touchdown" gesture]
Malory: a home run.
Slater: [pointing to door] I'm gonna go.
Lana: [stops him, speaking softly] Look, you're already here.
[runs a finger down his chest]
Lana: Why not just tell us what the mission is?
Slater: I will, but only because I choose to. One of our... well, I guess you can call him a freelancer...
Sterling: What do you call him?
Slater: I call him a freelancer. So shut up, please. Anyway, he needs an extraction from
[in Latin American accent]
Slater: Buenos Aires.
Sterling: Ugh, it's just us. You can say, "Buaynos Air-eez."
Lana: And-
[aside to Archer]
Lana: hush.
[back to Slater]
Lana: And what operation is the CIA operating in Argentina?
Slater: Oh, sorry. It's called "Operation Nunya"?
Lana: I...
Slater: As in "Beeswax", Lana.
Lana: Yes, I...
Sterling: [muffled into his hands] Dr. Kane, report to the burn unit.
Lana: Tooo help a patient who's been burned?
Sterling: [muffled] No.
Slater: Anyway
[sighs]
Slater: his cover's been blown. Argentine Intelligence is onto him and he needs an extraction A.S.A.G.D.M.F.P.
Sterling: Danger zone!
Woodhouse: Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I've been with your family ever since.
Sterling: You... You saw mother's VAGINA! Oh, my god! Ahhh! Oh, god! Oh, I can't breathe.
Cyril: Well, for your information, Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm.
Sterling: Yeah, I bet.
Cyril: Aaaah! The computer worm!
Pam: Christ on a bike!
Agent: I am sick of you getting the best assignments just because your mother's the boss! Do you know how that feels?
Sterling: Besides awesome?
Sterling: Hey, you wanna smell something?
Receptionist: Swear to God, Mr. Archer, I have HR on speed dial!
Sterling: Shut up.
Pam: The soup kitchen was a sex club.
Cheryl: Please, if you really cared, you'd resign, but there's no way you ever will, because you're just counting the days until, her face bloated and yellow from liver failure, she calls you to her death bed and, in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is totally incompetent and that you, the long-suffering Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run ISIS and you weep shameful tears because you know this terrible place is the only true love you will ever know.
Lana: [Upset] Excuse me.
Pam: Daaaaaamn!
Cheryl: What?... Oh my god, was I talking?
[repeated lines]
Sterling: Lana!
[No response]
Sterling: Lana!
[Still no response]
Sterling: LANAAAAAAAAAA!
Lana: WHAT?
Sterling: [singing] Danger Zone
Pam: [Listening to gunfire in the distance] What the hell is all of that, you reckon?
Malory: Immigrants. Cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and... snow.
Cyril: Suppressing fire!
Lana: And right next door is that?
Cheryl: Yes...
Lana: 'gasp' That's the Roosevelt mansion!
Cheryl: Total shitbox. They're weird.
Sterling: Sky-Captain of yesteryear!
Rip: At least I'm not Sky-Captain of I-ran-away-from-home!
Sterling: I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip: By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
Sterling: Apparently, that's my grieving process.
Sterling: So, about this blowjob.
Lana: Shut up.
Sterling: Why? In... in the sink? Is your vagina?
Katya: Why?
[laughing]
Katya: Darling, it was dirty.
Woodhouse: The remedy for which, miss, if you'll forgive my boldness...
Katya: Dah, please, Woodhouse, I think boldness is needed. What do you suggest?
Woodhouse: White vinegar, mineral oil, and elbow grease. Same thing we used in the RFC to clean the engines of our Sopwith Camels.
Sterling: [unintelligible mumbling] I... uh... . I...
Woodhouse: And so, with your permission, while you breakfast on the terrace, I'll get that little pleasure boat looking Bristol.
Sterling: [unintelligible mumbling] Br... ah...
[faints and falls to floor]
Woodhouse: I took the liberty of poaching you an egg.
Katya: Uh... is not much of a liberty considering that you are going to polish my vagina.
Woodhouse: No... no, it isn't.
Sterling: Sorry I ate so much food.
Rip: Yeah, that was a pretty dick move.
Malory: Will you shut up? I need to think.
Pam: [bringing her a drink] Don't yell at me, I didn't lose her. Now just try to retrace your steps.
[tearing noise]
Malory: Well, I wasn't in the sofa cushions.
Cheryl: [holding a knife and slashed cushion] Agh! Well, you could have said that.
Malory: I did.
Cheryl: [screaming] I thought you were being sarcastic!
Pam: It is kinda hard to tell with you.
Sterling: If I stop drinking all at once, I'm afraid the cumulative hangover will kill me.
Pam: Hoof beats?
Cyril: In the middle of winter?
Sterling: Are we even in the right hemisphere?
Cheryl: Duh! They're in St. Moritz for White Turf. Uh - it's so hard to talk to poor people.
Cheryl: Beep, beep, beep.
Pam: Oh you're giving me the truck noise, Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
Bucky: You will never make it to the helicopter. My men will cut you down like dogs.
Sterling: Thanks, human shield.
Lana: Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker?
Cheryl: Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks, and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria.
Lemuel: Lana, this is all just crazy. Why does he have a gun? And why is he driving? I should be driving.
Lana: No, daddy. Archer should drive. He's actually pretty great at it.
Sterling: Eeep... eeep... eeep.
[Looks at Lana]
Lana: [Turns her head away] When he's not ejaculating.
Lemuel: Not in my Mustang, you don't... . But seriously, what's wrong with him?
Sterling: I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!
Malory: Look at me! Chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand.
Agent: I blew jack shit!
Sterling: Name dropper.
Pam: I don't even know who peed on your sofa.
[first lines]
Sterling: [coughs] Oh-ho, God. Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher... for I am a sinner in the hands of an angry god. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death... which I hope is soon. Amen."
Sterling: [outside the bathroom] So, uh, hey, hi, I'm, uh, Sterling Archer. You- you may remember me from the strip club and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible sex that I've personally ever had. Uh... hello? Oh right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an- an implied oral agreement about heroin, but...
[Archer opens the bathroom door]
Pam: Heroin?
Sterling: What-?
Pam: [on the toilet] That's the last freakin' thing I need!
Pam: [straining] I'm bound up tighter'n Dick's hat band.
Sterling: Oh no, no, no, not- Wait... were you? Did- did we...?
Pam: Yeah, we did it and you loved it!
Sterling: [weakly] No, that's not... I can't...
[Archer passes out. Pam strains out a fart]
Sterling: On the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and at least get him a stuffed animal. Something. It's like, Meowschwitz in there.
Pam: Oh, come on, haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
Ray: No. Well, except for Randy Muckler, who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft, so I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks For Hands?
[long pause]
Ray: A booby trap blew his arms off.
[repeated line]
Pam: Holy shitsnacks!
Malory: Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping during the birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.
Ray: Ach. Gstaad.
Lana: Gstaad? Oh, yeah! Count me in.
Sterling: Yeah, and me out. I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.
Malory: Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.
[a picture of Anka flashes on a video screen behind Malory. In the picture, Anka is stepping out of a limousine with no underwear and a shaved, but blurred, crotch]
Sterling: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly, so I will be that someone who is constantly on her.
Sterling: [Archer reassures Katya that he still loves her as a cyborg] All I care about is what I see when I look into those big, green... oh, I guess they're red now, huh? Anyway, your eyes.
Katya: Dah? And what do you see in my eyes?
Sterling: Mostly those insane boobs.
Len: [after Barry reads Archer's "burn notice" out loud] Ah, it must have killed her to do this.
Barry: And I'm smirking.
Len: No, you don't smirk at a mother's suffering, Barry! You asshole.
[Punches Barry's wounded arm]
Barry: Ow! It's just with the shattered femur and the gunshot wound, and - I don't know if you knew this - but Framboise and I were kind of engaged.
Len: I did not know that.
Barry: Yeah.
Len: And I served her up like a pudding.
Barry: Well, engaged to be engaged.
[Trexler punches his arm again]
Barry: Ow!
Len: Ass. If you love it, put a ring on it. Okay, so... Okay, you go fix this.
Barry: You know, I'm not even sure I want to now. She was obviously into him.
[Trexler punches his arm again]
Barry: Ow!
Len: Ass! Not Framboise! Archer!
Barry: The burn notice? His mother just obviously sent that to...
Len: ...to every agency on the planet. Look at this: the CIA, MI6 Interpol. We can't keep him now, Barry.
Barry: Oh, so...
Len: So you take him to the basement, you put one in his ear. Can you do that?
Barry: Oh...
[Overlapping Archer's first word]
Sterling: [Enters office zipping up pants] Oh, my god! That Framboise is a freak, huh?
Barry: Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.
Lana: Have you ever heard a country song?
Sterling: Um, "Danger Zone"?
Sterling: Comas aren't as entertaining to watch as I'd hoped.
Sterling: God, Cyril, would you go?
Cyril: I should be carrying her.
Sterling: Cyril, I paid her. I get to carry her corpse.
Mallory: You were shot. By a crazy woman.
Sterling: Just like Eddie Waitkus.
[the seaplane's second engine dies]
Rip: Damn it, there goes number two!
Sterling: But it can land on water, right? I mean, isn't that the whole point?
Rip: It's a kinda different story when we're droppin' like a ton of bricks!
Sterling: Oh.
Rip: Goddamn, I can barely hold her level!
Sterling: You want me to help steer, or...
Rip: [Furious] Haven't you done enough already?
Sterling: How is this suddenly my fault?
[Rip gives him a hard look]
Rip: Okay, this is it! Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Lookin' good, girl!
[the plane levels out just above the ocean surface]
Rip: I think we're gonna be okay!
Sterling: Wait! You didn't put the wheels down!
Rip: The what? No, no, what are you d -
[Archer jabs a button; the landing gear drops and skims the water]
Rip: NOOOOO!
[the plane crashes]
Dr. Sklodowska: Mission Control, this is Nereus. We are ready for miniaturization. Over?
Pam: Speak for yourself! Holy shrink-snacks!
Cheryl: Yeah, this is kinda terrifying.
Pam: So why are you messing around with this crazy shrink ray? It's not like you need a million bucks.
Cheryl: Wh- Are you kidding? It's not about the money. Pam, we are going on a voyage of medical discovery unparalleled in not only the history of mankind, but also, perhaps, its future. Hippocrates, Galen, Percival, Sharp. For thousands of years, physicians have dreamed of having the power to see what we've been given the chance to through this truly awe-inspiring process of miniaturization, which, I think you'll agree, is the very embodiment of Arthur C. Clarke's Third Law, which states that "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic," or, if you like, a miracle.
Pam: I...
Cheryl: Plus, I'm going to use the money to buy an orphanage and then bulldoze it.
Pam: Why?
Cheryl: Shits and grins. And screams. "Wah, porridge, wah, aah!"
[Cheryl gives an evil laugh as she walks away]
Pam: Well, maybe she'll die.
Pam: [after setting fire to the dead bodies] Yeah, I'm kinda hungry... is that weird?
Malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.
Cyril: But you shot a machine gun at me.
Agent: Around you. Because my feelings were hurt.
[first lines]
[Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected]
Sterling: [takes the call and puts phone to ear] Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?
Malory: Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...
Sterling: [exclaiming] Mother?
Malory: Well, I'm not falling for it again.
Sterling: Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.
Malory: Then what is the square root of nine?
Sterling: Uh... negative nine?
Malory: [gasps] Sterling?
Sterling: Ha! Elaborate...
Malory: God damn it!
Sterling: I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.
Malory: Ass.
Ray: [Trying Krieger's drug-cleansing tea] Oh, god! It tastes worse than it smells!
Pam: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... I'd have eight nickles.
Cyril: Were you raised in a barn?
Pam: No, I just slept out there a lot.
Sterling: So what's the plan here? Stuff him in a cargo hold and bug out?
Lana: No, then he just blows up a bunch of other people. We can make this work, if we just find something he likes enough to live for.
Sterling: Oh, my god! You always have to fix people, don't you? This is why our marriage didn't work.
Lana: Really? It wasn't the fact that you slept with everything on two legs.
Sterling: Hmm... not always two.
Pam: Come on, Ms. Archer, you've been in there ten hours. Meet us halfway, and Kreiger will let you out of there.
Dr. Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love that you know how to do that.
Dr. Krieger: And I love that I have an erection that didn't involve homeless people
Guard: Ay! Coronel!
Sterling: Um, okay.
Guard: Su carat, Coronel, por favor.
Sterling: Uh, bueno. Conmigo estan el Presidente de Brasil. Y su...
[Archer opens the back window]
Sterling: esposa grande.
Guard: [sighs] Por supuesto, Coronel Cal... Espere. Lando?
Guard: [with suspicion, reaching for his holster] Calrissiano?
Sterling: So, here's the thing with that.
[Guard pulls his gun, but tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck]
Guard: [holding tranq gun] Boring conversation anyway.
Lana: God damn it, Archer!
Sterling: That's Coronel Calrissiano to you!
[Archer floors the gas, smashing through the arm and racing into the parking structure]
Conway: Archer!
Lana: Don't drive angry!
[Archer slams on the brakes amongst more guards]
Lana: What the hell are you doing?
Sterling: I'm Archer-izing this plan!
Lana: What? No, no! Unh-uh. You cannot make yourself a verb! I will not allow it.
Sterling: [laughing] I'm a verb now, Lana. Deal with it!
[Archer gets out of the car, then ducks back in]
Sterling: And then, also, cover me, please.
Lana: Seriously.
Sterling: What?
Lana: I just heard you get hard.
Everyone: Ewww!
Sterling: [being choked by a laughing Conway Stern] How do you still have two hands?
[Stern tears at Conway's left hand, revealing bionics]
Sterling: You cyborg son-of-a-bitch.
[Lana hits Conway over the head with the teapot she's been making tea with while humming to the tango tune playing throughout their fight. The music stops]
Lana: You're out... of sugar.
[Conway groans]
Sterling: [hoarsely] Oh good. You're making tea. 'Cause I could use some with honey and lemon. And bourbon. But actually, without the honey and lemon. And the tea.
Lana: So just bourbon.
Sterling: But I doubt if the...
Conway: Aah.
Sterling: [normal voice] Oh, shut up. Don't ruin it. I had something for...
Conway: Puke Skywalker? Mm.
Sterling: God damn it! Anyway, I doubt the robot has any bourbon, and I'm not really in the mood for a WD-40 and Coke. Unless that is, literally, the only thing to drink.
Malory: Woodhouse, dear.
Woodhouse: Yes, mum.
Malory: I assume you're holding.
Woodhouse: Holding? Why just this tray of...
Malory: Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend!
Cyril: Jesus H. Chrysler!
Sterling: Let's talk this out.
Agent: Talk what out? How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN? Or, ooooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick.
Sterling: Ex-boyfriend, I bet.
Agent: Ya think?
Sterling: Yeah. He's not coming back. That chick was like, the Pelé of anal.
Sterling: Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.
Lana: Did you say man-crush?
Sterling: No. I'm pretty sure it was "shut up".
Lana: Oh, you are shitting me! How did you shoot the boat?
Sterling: Are you out of your mind?
Malory: What? I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
Sterling: Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
Malory: Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
Sterling: Twelve.
Sterling: No, I can't be alone.
[Lana groans]
Sterling: That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.
Malory: Is Krieger hard at work?
Sterling: He literally might be, yeah.
Lana: Ew.
Ray: [to Pam] If you were any more on the prowl, there'd be an APB out on your cooch.
Malory: [after being in a cramped car surrounded by luggage] Ridiculous! This thing's a sardine can! How are people supposed to travel like this?
George: Most people bring less luggage.
Malory: Most people fly. So your days of sullen superiority are numbered.
George: I have no response for that.
Malory: They never do.
Sterling: What are we going to do with literally, not figuratively, a ton of cocaine?
Malory: Well...
Lana: Oh, come on!
Sterling: What, Lana? We must be talking...
Cyril: Wholesale? Fifty, sixty million.
Lana: Wholesale? What, we form a cartel?
Malory: Well, how hard can it be? I mean...
Lana: Don't.
Malory: ...if Mexicans can do it...
Lana: Ah, and, um, you remember Archer?
Lemuel: [Reaching to shake Archer's hand] Yesss, of course. We've got the mashed potatoes just how you like 'em - 98.6.
[last lines]
Sterling: ...I was here...
Sterling: [drinks] ... half drunk and having amazing sex.
Pam: Well, I wouldn't say amazing.
[pause]
Pam: What? Come on, you were pushin' rope!
Katya: [in bed with Archer] Try to relax, darling. You are - how do you say? - to push a rope.
Sterling: Sorry, babe; I'll focus. But could you close your eyes? I... I kinda feel like I'm banging taillights on a country road.
Sterling: [Archer takes martini from wee baby Seamus] Seamus! No! Huh uh! No no no!
Sterling: [Seamus begins crying] Woodhouse, I can either do... God! You are such a little brat.
Sterling: [Archer hands martini back to Seamus] Here!
Sterling: Lana, introspection is the enemy of happiness. So, my advice is, don't. Always worked for me.
Cyril: Archer, what am I going to tell her?
Sterling: Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth.
Cyril: I'm not sure that's technically irony.
Sterling: What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby and named it this exact situation.
Slater: He's had the clap so many times it's more like applause.
Sterling: Say what you will about the Swiss, but they hate the shit out of horses.
Sterling: Why would you throw away a perfectly good gun?
Malory: Because it touched your... junk.
Sterling: How dirty do you think my junk is?
Malory: As dirty as if it were made of dirt, and then got dropped in some different dirt, and then Pigpen came along and kicked it around with his dirty shoes.
Sterling: Fair enough.
Sterling: That's silvertip badger, kid. Do you know how much this cost?
[Archer takes shaving brush from wee baby Seamus, who starts crying]
Sterling: No. Don't. Hey, come on.
[Archer hands brush back to Seamus]
Sterling: Here. God! Baby!
Malory: I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
Sterling: Really? But you're so...
Malory: ...grandmotherly?
Sterling: No! Old.
Woodhouse: Well, I was very fond of a boy at school once. Reggie Thistleton, but he died in the war at Flanders.
Rudy: Flanders?
Charles: What war was that?
Woodhouse: Oh, the Great War.
Rudy: They're all great.
Charles: Oh my God, yes! Those Nazi uniforms?
Rudy: Hugo Boss.
Charles: Shut up!
Rudy: Swear to God.
Cheryl: George says you stiffed him.
Malory: What? No, I didn't. I gave him a tip.
George: A stick of gum?
Malory: Well?
Pam: Really?
Ray: Did you not have a button?
Agent: Uhh... Kill... Kill... God, when do I get to the end so I can see what Cyril said?
Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam: I seriously think you're scary!
Cheryl: No, no no no... Like, a big sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk, and you think, "Yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth to mouth." But instead, he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is him squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just "flurr", falls right onto your popped out eyeball...
Pam: Jesus Christ!
Cheryl: I know, right?
Agent: What the hell!
Cheryl: I'm wet just thinking about it.
Agent: Cyril! Cyril, you get your ass out here right now!
Cheryl: Is she freaking 'cause Cyril said he wanted to bang Danny the Intern?
Pam: No, I think it's 'cause he said he wanted to marry her.
Cheryl: She's so weird... Hey, will you choke me a little bit?
Sterling: A secret agent! That's what I am! And I shouldn't even be saying that. But you have a certain... thickness about you that I find... appealing.
Suicide: [disguised as woman] Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing.
Sterling: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
Sterling: But Chef, Why?
[Archer asks why he murdered the Albanian Ambassador]
Lance: Six-million bucks - which I'm gonna use to deficit finance a new show where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the globe.
[Anthony Bourdain is remembered for his shows where he explored world cultures and their cuisines. Through "Lance Casteau", Bourdain pokes fun at himself]
Malory: So help me God, Sterling. Sometimes I think I've failed as a mother.
Sterling: Sometimes?
Malory: Oh, shut up!
Lana: In case you've forgotten, I have an unborn child to think about.
Sterling: Jesus Christ, Lana, who can forget? It's baby this, baby that!
Lana: [pinching cheek] Aw, baby Awcher, who's a jeawous baby?
Sterling: What? Holy shit, do you have anemia?
Lana: No, I...
Sterling: Uh, edema, hypertension, pre-eclampsia, Braxton Hicks contractions, pica?
Lana: I...
Sterling: GERD? Lana, do you have GERD?
Lana: Ahem. How do you know about the various possible complications of pregnancy?
Sterling: [Exiting lavatory as Flight Attendant adjusts her clothes] Hey, I gotta tell you, that's the first time that line worked for me, and I've tried it a bunch.
Eryn: By the way, I'm a flight attendant, not a stewardess.
Sterling: Definitely the priority right now. Okay, flight attendant, can you show me the way to the second floor?
[Eryn opens the door to the service dumbwaiter]
Sterling: Wow! You sure know your way around a shaft. Wait, no, I'm sorry. That was coarse; I apologize.
Eryn: [Peering into the dumbwaiter] Hmmm. Looks like a tight fit.
Sterling: Dammit! That one's better.
Sterling: [Boarding School Flashbacks]
Sterling: What? You're black... ish.
Agent: Ish?
Sterling: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'quadroon'.
Agent: Imagine that!
Sterling: You imagine it!
Malory: Both of you imagine shutting up!
Pam: [about the prime minister] So is that why you dressed him up like a big giant penis?
Lana: Please tell me that's a smoke grenade.
Sterling: OK.
[pause]
Sterling: It's not, though.
Sterling: I'll probably never be able to eat again without thinking about spaghetti and meatballs! Oh, god... I could eat!
Malory: What?
Lana: What?
Sterling: Well, not necessarily sphaghetti and meatballs, but not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs either. I mean, man, I really want some spaghetti and meatballs. I mean if I don't get some spaghetti and meatballs, I could literally die.
Sterling: Great you killed a black astronaut Cyril, that's like killing a unicorn!
Sterling: What the hell was that?
Cheryl: Ugh. My stupid ocelot.
Sterling: I've never seen an ocelot!
Malory: Does it matter if we don't get that disc for that snooty has-been, we'll have to shut off the lights?
Cheryl: How will that help?
Sterling: Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.
Cyril: Ha ha, yeah, we're the idiots says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.
[while climbing down a hidden shaft in the pirate fortress]
Sterling: Where the hell does this go?
Noah: I don't know. Down?
Sterling: Wow. You're only a doctoral candidate?
Noah: Hey, guy? My field's anthropology.
Rip: [chuckling] Good luck with the job hunt.
Sterling: Right?
Noah: Not that it's any of your business, but I plan to teach.
Sterling: Anthropology?
Noah: What - yes!
Rip: To, uh, anthropology majors?
Noah: Hey, you know what?
Sterling: Thus continuing the circle of "why bother?"
Sterling: Come on. Don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
Malory: You have no idea who this person is?
Cheryl: No.
Malory: Or what this is about?
Cheryl: No.
Malory: "Zissner office meeting ten." And you have no idea what that means?
Cheryl: I feel like I made that very clear.
Malory: Unlike this cryptic idiocy! Why do you even bother to answer the phone?
Cheryl: Because you scream at me when I don't!
[Lana walks in, looking very tired]
Lana: Volume! Jesus!
Malory: My God! Lana, you look like hell!
Cheryl: [under her breath] Like I've been saying for years.
Lana: Woman, you do not wanna light this particular fuse. A.J. was up all night with the croup.
Malory: Did you give her bourbon?
Lana: Y'know, I was going to, and then I realized that no, I wasn't going to.
Malory: Always worked for Sterling.
[brief pause]
Cheryl: [to Lana] And you're just gonna...
Lana: Yeah, too sleepy.
[first lines]
Narrator: All aboard for safety and adventure on the rigid airship Excelsior, where the pampered luxury of a cruise ship meets the smoothness of modern air travel.
Woodhouse: Let's liven things up, Burroughs. Five grams of junk says I can shoot a piña colada off your wife's head.
Sterling: I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima.
Barry: So don't try do anything stupid.
Sterling: I don't have to try. Shit. Whatever. Move.
Pam: I think these uniforms are awesome! Here, let me get some pics of you!
Lana: To masturbate to?
Pam: [laughs] Pfff, please...... ..Please?
Cyril: Why the hell are you two still here?
Cheryl: Because I knew you'd be here because you don't trust Lana with Mr. Archer.
Cyril: No! No, now that is...
Cheryl: ...so ironic, Cyril, especially in light of recent rug-burny events.
Cyril: No!
Pam: Oh, my god, you two BANGED?
Cyril: I, uh, see, here's the thing... uh fruit basket!
[Dumps basket on floor]
Pam: Wow. You are just a dog in a manger.
Cheryl: I don't know what that means, Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh for the... It's called a dairy.
Sterling: [to Burt Reynolds] I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant, throbbing erection.
Pam: Sploosh.
Pam: Son of a shit-snacking whore.
Sterling: I mean, if this goes tits up...
[Archer stares at Lana's jiggling cleavage while she fires an AK-47 on full automatic]
Lana: Now? Really?
Sterling: Oh, right! Because you walked into Strippers' Discount Warehouse and said, "Help me showcase my intellect".
Lana: Discount? Hello? This is Fiacci!
Sterling: Uh, I think it's pronounced "knock-off".
Sterling: [while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...
Agent: [She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.
Sterling: Oh, is that what you want?
Agent: Yup...
Sterling: Because that's how you get ants.
Agent: [sarcastically] Yay!
Cheryl: The Isle of Man... Oh, my God... Is that like Whore Island for women?
Sterling: Would you say we'd be venturing into a zone of danger?
Commander: Well, yes. Obviously.
Sterling: No, but I mean how would you phrase that?
Commander: The zone will be one of danger?
Sterling: No, I mean. Not if you'd say the thing that. Forget it. Nevermind.
Sterling: Oh, my god! You killed a hooker!
Cyril: Call girl!
Sterling: No, Cyril!
Cyril: She was a call...
Sterling: When they're dead, they're just hookers. God, I said the cap on the poison pen slips off for no reason, didn't I?
Cyril: But I just assumed that if anything bad happened...
Sterling: No, do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument.
Woodhouse: And also woefully esoteric.
Sterling: Woodhouse...
Woodhouse: Fetching a rug, sir.
Sterling: Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
Cyril: No! No, I'm not happy!
Sterling: Well, guess what? Me neither! I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
Woodhouse: Sir, I have fetched the rug.
Sterling: Plus, now I'm out of a rug.
Sterling: Wow, it's kinda weird opening up like this, huh?
Malory: Yeah, give me another belt.
Pam: What a hunk!
Cheryl: Total sploosh!
Lana: Actually, yeah. Gotta give him a sploosh.
Ray: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
Lana: Go ahead and say it.
Sterling: What?
Lana: How since we're gonna die in the morning that we should both have sex with each other.
Sterling: Well after seeing a tiger get murdered, Lana, I'm not really in the mood. Well if you wanted to, I could watch while you masturbate, but I'm gonna tell you, my heart is not in it, my heart is with that poor tiger's family. But go ahead, I mean, start.
Lana: Yeah. Um, so, Trish?
Trish: What?
Lana: Still with the tone. So seriously, none of you know how to fly this thing?
Trish: No! We're scientists! We never even trained on the simulator.
Cyril: The simulator! Guys, I can fly us home. I will fly us home!
Sterling: You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek... get it?
Sterling: I'm going to be a pirate king.
Sterling: Sorry, I can't stay for dinner. I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
Lana: Hey! Enough, you two!
Sterling: Tell him that!
Lana: Pretty sure I just did.
Sterling: So, shut up and watch my movie, for which I really need a better title.
Cheryl: Ooooh! How about "Citizen Dickbag"? Snark victory.
Sterling: Cyril's about half a wreck, huh?
Pam: Yeah. So why do you pick on him?
Sterling: I... Oh, was that not rhetorical?
Lana: That crazy son of a... Come on!
Cyril: Why is your instinctive response to run toward explosions?
Lana: Uh, because I'm not a giant pussy.
Cyril: Although, somehow, incredibly single.
Lana: What? I go on... tons of dates!
Cyril: With who?
Lana: Men. Men models. Men who model.
Lana: At least this time you fired downrange.
Rona: And oh, my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.
Brett: Totally my fault.
Rona: Please go buy a new suit at Bergdorf's and send the bill to my manager.
Brett: I will take you up on that. Right after I go to the hospital.
Rona: Oh, my God if I, like, possessed the capacity to be embarrassed.
Sterling: Please! Just pretend I'm... whose your go-to movie star, you know, for...?
Ray: Lorne Greene.
Sterling: Wow.
Ray: Yeah.
Sterling: Bonanza or Battlestar?
Ray: Duh! So I come to the Ponderosa looking for ranch work, but my chaps get torn, and Hop Sing's just, you know...
Sterling: Uh, Ray, time's kinda a factor here, so...
Ray: I am *not* ever sucking your taint.
Sterling: Okay, so, Cyril, better ChapStick it up, buddy.
Cyril: Well, first of all, does sucking out the venom not help the snakebite victim, it can also envenom the...
Sterling: Taint-sucker, that's you, let's go.
Ray: Okay, yes, and second of all, the venom's not there anymore. It's pumping through you veins to your heart and brain.
Sterling: My... , well, put a tourniquet on me.
Cyril: You can't tourniquet the taint.
Sterling: Wait, is my dick going to be OK?
Sterling: Thanks, ghost of Teddy Roosevelt.
Cyril: Well, Mrs. Archer said to dress for the tropics.
Sterling: Tropics or Busch Gardens?
Sterling: [after sword fight] Wow! Aleister, you're hired.
Aleister: Thank you, sir. You would have had me if not for the leg. I can suggest some rehabilitation exercises.
Sterling: [Looks lovingly at Aleister] I'd... I'd like that.
Pam: Should we leave?
Cheryl: I'm staying.
Chant: What do we want?
Strikers: Unfair!
Chant: When do we want it?
Strikers: Change!
Sterling: Wow, what a pussy! I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
Lana: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick-hole. Which, again, ick!
Sterling: Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
Commander: [wounded] The bridge... We have to make it... to the...
Sterling: The bridge, yes, I heard you. So unless we're going the wrong way...
Commander: Uh, no. That's it right there.
Sterling: Then shut up! God.
Farooq: The only phrase you know in Urdu is, "No, shit, you goat-raping pig-devil"?
Sterling: What? I thought it meant, "I'm sorry". Huh. Probably why that night in a Karachi whorehouse suddenly went from pretty bad to much worse.
Lana: Sorry!
Sterling: Whooooo!
Lana: It really is an emergency!
Sterling: Of an awesome and ass-kicking nature!
Cheryl: Trust me, you can't control a person's heart.
Dr. Krieger: You can with a little thing I like to call a deep-cycle marine battery. Or LSD.
Cheryl: Huh? Is that what you've been giving me?
Dr. Krieger: Yes?
Cyril: That explains a lot.
Cheryl: I just thought they were breath strips!
Sterling: [to Cyril, in Arnold Schwarzenegger accent] Your clothes. Give them to me.
Cyril: Aah!
Sterling: Haha, I'm kidding - obviously. I wouldn't be caught dead in a sweater vest!
Malory: Sterling, no, you're not well. What are you going to do?
Sterling: Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war.
Lana: Dogs... of war.
Sterling: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana! Shut up!
[last lines]
Malory: Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.
[Archer drives off in a limousine Malory wanted]
Malory: Son of a bitch!
Pam: YOUR words.
Lana: God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self-exam.
Pam: Hey, about we check each other?
Lana: So, what's next? Do you, um...
Pam: [pokes Lana's breast] Boop!
Rona: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp. And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Lana: Wait, what?
Rona: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
Sterling: [listening in] While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit-covered tape? Frickin' actresses.
Sterling: That is my foot in your face! Smell the embarrassment.
Sterling: You're not worried?
Lana: Why should I worry? Because I'm the one that ripped off Conway's hand?
Sterling: No, about...
Lana: Or that he'll double-cross us again?
Sterling: Which, a blow-job says he does. And Mother and Slater and the CIA are idiots for trusting him. But I'm talking about us flying on the same plane, Lana. What if it crashed?
Lana: Then I wouldn't have had to watch you pound twenty drinks and then try to talk the stewardess into a handjob.
Sterling: Wh-where are you getting "twenty drinks"?
Lana: Uh, from ten doubles.
Sterling: "A", those were mini-bottles; and two, I'm talking about A.J., Lana. Who's going to take care of her if something happens to both of us.
[Lana is about to say something, then stops]
Malory: Well, me, obviously.
Cyril: You think- Okay, wow. You think, in the event of their deaths, that you would be A.J.'s legal guardian.
Malory: Who else would they possibly choose?
Ray: You've met yourself, right?
Ray: [lights cigarette] If it's anybody around here, it's me.
Cyril: Of course. The one who smokes next to the baby.
Ray: Dukes!
[Ray takes a long draw from his cigarette]
Cyril: Ray!
[Ray holds up a finger, continues to draw until the cigarette is almost entirely ash, then drops the whole thing into Cyril's coffee]
Cyril: You know...
[Ray exhales the smoke into Cyril's face, causing him to cough]
Malory: [batting away the smoke] All right, Virginia Slim. You're...
[she looks into the pram, a startled expression frozen on her face]
Malory: [quickly] Nap time! I have a meeting. Good-bye.
Pam: [to Cyril] Dude! Your balls are made of pussy.
Cyril: You slept with her too!
Sterling: When I was bored!
Sterling: Welcome to Nazi Canada!
Pam: Oh, my God! You two banged?
Malory: [arguing over the phone with Len Trexler] You wanna play me hard?
Sterling: Phrasing.
Malory: Well, then, you better nut up!
Sterling: Phrasing!
Malory: Because I've swallowed just about all I'm going to take from you!
Sterling: Hey! Phrasing!
Cyril: [to Lana] You're no longer on Malory's teat.
Lana: You know, the whole monster hands thing. Starting to border on mean.
Cheryl: Oh, you gonna go run and cry to Miss Archer like when Cyril cheated on you?
Lana: Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
Cheryl: Guess what? She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with!
Lana: And what is that supposed to mean?
Cheryl: Figure it out, Truckasaurus!
Cyril: But it's Stir-Friday!
Lana: Hooray.
Sterling: I'm hungry.
Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like
Sterling: Grilled cheese.
Malory: What?
Sterling: Grill me a cheese.
Malory: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
Sterling: You better call Kenny Loggins, 'cause you're in the danger zone.
Torvald: You're breaking my arm!
Lana: Oh sorry. Did that hurt?
Torvald: Yes it hurt. What is wrong with you?
Malory: Nothing but too much enthusiasm for the opportunity to work with the UN.
Torvald: With hands like the Truckasaurus!
Lana: Hey!
Cyril: Gravlax, anyone?
Trinette: What the shit!
Sterling: I know. I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...
Trinette: Not yours, shit brain. His!
Sterling: Yeah, it's like we've got each other's backs. Right?
Trinette: You can't tattoo a frickin' baby!
Sterling: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra $100.
Trinette: How about I slip somebody $100 to throw acid in your face!
Sterling: Costs more than that, I bet. To buy acid, Trinette.
Trinette: Come on, Seamus. I hope your stupid cancer kills you!
Sterling: Oh yeah, well, I hope... I hope it doesn't!
Slater: [laughing] Come on. We're not going to put a couple of untested rookies in the starting line-up of game seven of the World...
[Lana closes the partition, cutting Slater off]
Sterling: Seriously, okay, as I was saying...
Lana: [yelling] God damn it, Archer! I'm not giving you a blowjob!
Sterling: Not that. A.J. If something happens to us...
Lana: I really don't think that this is the time to talk about that.
Sterling: When then?
Sterling: [coughs] Why don't you want to talk about it, Lana?
Lana: [sighs] Because I'm afraid it'll hurt your feelings.
Bucky: But I shoot gun many times and in all excitement I lose track myself, huh. So now you thinking, did he fire eight shots or only...
Sterling: Four, idiot.
[last lines]
Cheryl: Cyril, you can trust me. You know. Probably.
Cyril: Probably?
Cheryl: wah wah
Lana: I mean, am I jealous because Archer gets preferential treatment? Yes! But, ha, am I still attracted to him? I mean, c'mon.
Ray: Is a pig's ass pork?... I'm sorry, did you want to hear what I think or just what you want to hear?
[Sips his drink]
Ray: He asked pretty sarcastically.
Lana: Yucca Strike Team is Archer, Pam, Cyril and Krieger.
Sterling: Wait... you're not coming?
Lana: Definitely not the first time you've used that phrase.
Malory: To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.
Sterling: It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.
[Archer's: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac]
Malory: [scoffs] Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.
[muntjac barks]
Sterling: Really? It's been six weeks?
Malory: Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...
Lana: Is that Archer?
Sterling: Is that Lana?
Lana: [simultaneously] Let me talk to him.
Sterling: [simultaneously] Let me talk to her.
[Malory holds the phone away from Lana]
Lana: [loudly so the phone could pick her up] So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?
Sterling: I- Wait, was that rhetorical?
Sterling: [feeding the muntjac a banana] Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!
[muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something]
Lana: Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?
Sterling: [laughs] Oh, that is- that is...
[Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey]
Sterling: You don't know me!
Lana: Ha!
[twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom]
Sterling: Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber egg plant.
Sterling: Fuck you, space!
Doctor: I'm talking about bionics. From the Greek for, like, "Kick Ass"!
Sterling: [with a southern accent] Ma, they got ol' Lando this time.
Sterling: [coughs up some blood] I'm done for.
Lana: Archer, shut up. You're gonna be okay.
Sterling: You really think so?
[sound of a vehicle approaching]
Lana: I mean, maybe.
[a hearse drifts a corner and races up to them]
Lana: Although that can't bode well.
Noah: Oh, my God. Just screw already!
Bucky: Seriously.
Rip: Then kill each other, and then shut up. And then kill each other again. And call me, so I can watch you do it.
[repeated line]
Sterling: Phrasing!
Sterling: Come, render the salad unto Caesar.
Doctor: [Kreiger's van screeches to a halt outside Archer's apartment] And here we are!
Malory: I swear, if anyone sees me in this awful van...
Lana: How could they, with this illegal-ass window tint? Dude, this van is, like, rolling probable cause.
Malory: So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.
Ray: Toot toot.
Sterling: Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse, that's why I bought ten. Now arrange those by color.
Woodhouse: These are all black.
Sterling: Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black and five in a slightly darker black?
Sterling: Look at his tufted ears!
Sterling: Oh my God! The thermostat's become sentient! That's how Maximum Overdrive started!
Sterling: No, no, by all means, let me do this Lana. You just sit there like the African Queen.
Lana: The African Queen was the boat.
Sterling: No it wasn't. It was Audrey...
Lana: Katherine.
Sterling: Whichever Hepburn, she was the queen.
Lana: ...of Africa?
Sterling: Yeah.
Lana: The white Queen of Africa?
Sterling: Yeah. Back then Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing. Like Amos and Andy were white. A white guy played Charlie Chan.
Lana: Archer...
Sterling: I'm pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.
Cyril: Who are these paramilitarios?
Sterling: Either heroic vigilantes trying to restore law and order because the cops can't or won't...
Cyril: Well, that doesn't sound too bad.
Sterling: Or right-wing terrorists with a boner for kidnapping and murder.
Ray: That does.
Sterling: Gravity... you utter bitch.
Cyril: Hey, do you think those guys are Doctors Without Borders?
Sterling: Yes, Cyril, I do. I bet those assault rifles shoot polio vaccine.
Sterling: You're all rigid and stiff, which, you know, I'm all for, huh huh rimshot, but not on the range.
Sterling: A secret agent! Yeah, that's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that, but you have a certain thickness about you that I find very appealing.
Terrorist: Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing!
Sterling: I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you.
ISIS: Do something!
Sterling: I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril! I'm shooting the gun, I'm driving the car...
ISIS: I could drive better than that!
Sterling: Well, knock yourself out, I'm ejecting.
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