50 Best Goldie Hawn Quotes

Dean: [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?
Annie: Travis found a girlfriend.
Joey: Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!
Annie: [sarcastically] Very funny!

Elise: Annie, you choose. Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?
Brenda: Yeah, for once in your life make a decision? Who's your friend? Some Beverly Hills science project?
Elise: Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?

Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things, and I wouldn't want to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh, God...
Dean: Baby, we like you.

[to Dr. Korman]
Joanna: Grant's having another nervous breakdown, he thinks he's God. Keep him busy.

Dean: [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?
Greg: [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!
Charlie: [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!
Travis: [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.
Dean: Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.
Annie: [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.

Elise: And you didn't even invite me to your son's bar mitzvah!
Brenda: I didn't think you would come.
Annie: Yeah, it was in Hebrew!
Brenda: Oh shutup!

Andrew: Champagne for everyone.
Joanna: Andrew, I'd like a beer.
Edith: A beer?
Joanna: [takes a swig from a bottle] Mmmmm, good stuff.

Joanna: Captain Karl?
Capt. Karl: Yes madam?
Joanna: We've never really had time to talk.
Capt. Karl: No, we haven't.
Joanna: Well, there's no time now.

[Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]
Elise: Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.
Bill: Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?
Elise: Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.

Annie: Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.
Dean: Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,
[grunts]
Dean: and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.

Joanna: I'm not a bitch.
[pauses]
Joanna: Andrew! Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?

Joey: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.
Annie: A falsetto child?
Dean: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.
Joey: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.
[Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]

Elise: There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.

Doctor: Now, Miss X... we have a safer, more comfortable, private room... where you'll be a lot more comfortable, and we'll all be a lot safer.
Joanna: Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses. I was prepared to sue you. I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.

Dean: I can't believe you did that.
Annie: Oh! I saw you jump so I jumped...
Dean: No I don't mean that. I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
Annie: I didn't.
Dean: What? What do you mean?
Annie: Well the truth of the matter is it's all mine, the boat, the money, everything is all mine.
[Dean faints]
Annie: Dean! Dean, it's okay!

Joanna: Thank you Dean! Thank you for bringing me here and making a wife, and a mother and WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Elise: You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

Annie: Oh, a washing machine! But Dean, it's so expensive.
Dean: No, shit!

Dean: You jumped my bones the first night we met!
Annie: We did it on the first date?
Dean: Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven
Annie: I'm a slut
Dean: What did you say?
Annie: Nothing

[finding empty liquor bottles in trash]
Brenda: Let's examine the evidence. Look! all bottles and gallon jugs!
Elise: I had guests!
Brenda: Who? Guns N Roses?

Joanna: [Grant has just arrived at the hospital; Joanna doesn't know he's right outside, behind a one-way mirror] You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse...?
Grant: Can she see us?
Cop: Not unless she's Superwoman.
Joanna: Well, what DO you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible!
Doctor: You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia, either from the bump against the garbage scow, or the shock of the cold water.
Joanna: How temporary is it?
Doctor: We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
Joanna: Listen to me, medical people. As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over-easy. Now, I refuse - REFUSE
[angrily tosses a cup against the wall]
Joanna: - to be incarcerated in this semi-private room -
[turns to the only other patient in the room]
Joanna: You snore! - while there are no efforts being made by anyone to try and locate...!
Cop: [lowers the outside speaker volume, then turns to Grant] Is that her?
Joanna: I demand you do something! Do you hear me?
Grant: [to the cop] Nooo, I never saw her before in my life.
[leaves the hospital; later, back on the yacht]
Grant: Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!

Brenda: When men know women are a certain age...
Elise: Good bye love.
Brenda: Hello pop-tarts.

Elise: [Drunk] You never even wrote to me!
Annie: [Meekly] You were unlisted...
Elise: And you always talked about me behind my back!
Brenda: Oh, you deserved it!

[Joanna is about to jump off the yacht and swim to Dean]
Andrew: [grabs her hand] Oh no Madam. I cannot let you do this.
Annie: What?
Andrew: Not without a life jacket.

Annie: What if Elise starts drinking again and then you start sniping away?
Elise: Been there!
Brenda: Done that!

Dean: They're making out their Christmas lists
Annie: Oh, already?
Travis: How do you spell "Porsche"?
Dean: Well, they got me thinkin' though: what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?
Annie: A little girl.

Joanna: These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman.
Andrew: [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?
Joanna: No, I'm still tacky.

Elise: If only she'd called me. If only I was listed.

Annie: You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.
Dean: Yeah and they've got Calamine lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?
Annie: I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.
Dean: I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.
Annie: Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can't get him out of the bathroom.
Dean: Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.
Annie: They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.
Dean: Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.
Annie: They have enough pals, they need a father.

Billy: Annie, those are my underwear.
Annie: Yours?
Billy: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.
Annie: But what about Gertie?
Billy: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.
Dean: [comes up to them] What's going on?
Billy: I confess. The jig is up!
Dean: The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
Billy: I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?
Annie: [smiles] No, no
[hugs him]
Annie: I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!

Brenda: I remember your first talk-y.
Elise: Oh yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? "Best digestion?"

Elise: I'm not Monique's Mother!
Maurice: No.
Elise: Angela Lansbury's Monique's Mother!
Maurice: Uh-huh.
Elise: Shelley Winters is Unique's mother!
Maurice: Now that's a good one.
Elise: Sean Connery is Monique's mother!
Maurice: And I'm going to get you some coffee.

Joanna: Try to understand,Grant, I don't love you anymore.
Grant: What's love got to do with marriage?

Andrew: [Andrew hands Joanna her earrings after they've drank tequila shots below decks with the crew] You best not lose these again, madam.
Joanna: [perplexed] Again?
Andrew: You will forgive me, madam.
[clearly mocking her]
Andrew: "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between 64th and 68th street, find them."
Joanna: [geniunely contrite] I've behaved so badly. I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
[Andrew raises his eyebrows]
Joanna: You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you.
[beat]
Joanna: I'm sorry.
Andrew: [embarrassed] Apology accepted, ma'am.
[he turns away and to the sink]
Joanna: [following him] Everyone thinks I'm crazy around here. Do you think they're right?
Andrew: [turning around to face her] Oh no, madam. Oh no. You... most of us go through life with blinders on, madam. Knowing only that one little station to which we were born. But now you, madam, on the other hand, had the... rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell. To see life from an entirely new perspective. How you choose to use that information, madam... is entirely up to you.

Elise: I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person.
Brenda: No, that's why your co-stars drink.

Annie: I'm a short, fat slut.

Annie: Let's synchronize our watches.
Brenda: Ooo, just like "Mission: Impossible!"
Elise: Oh, that was a big hit.

Joanna: [on her yacht; she's about to call for caviar when Andrew brings it in] Well! I almost had to wait.
[tastes it and makes a disgusted face]
Joanna: What is this gelatinous muck? Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples, must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait? Caviar should be round, and hard, and of adequate size, and should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.

Annie: Discipline problem?
[grabs her purse and leaves the classroom]
Annie: My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken!

Dean: Hey hey hey, guys, look who's home!
Greg: Hi Mom!
Travis: Hi Mom!
Charlie: [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!
Greg: [pretending to cry] Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!
[Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]
Annie: They aren't mine...
Dean: Oh I was sure you'd remember them!
Annie: I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...
Dean: Four, honey, don't forget little Joe!
[Joe sticks his head out the window and waves; Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]

Annie: I just... ate a bug!
Dean: Keep your mouth closed, there's a lot of things flying around out here!

Brenda: I'm saying this, with love compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood... you are full of SHIT!
Elise: Whhhaaattt?

Annie: Joey, don't, honey. Don't, don't get that near your eyes, sweetie. Look, I want you to read this; you see what it says? "Don't get near your eyes". Read on.
[Joey looks at the bottle for a few seconds, then tosses it aside and goes to bed]
Annie: What's this all about?
Charlie: He's embarrassed 'cause he doesn't know how to read.
Annie: Well, he's a small child.
Travis: He can't read for a small child, either.
Greg: The teacher makes fun of him.

Annie: [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?
Dean: [thinking fast] Oh, well, your dad showed up shit-faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we had to throw him out.

Elise: It's the 90s, plastic surgery is like good grooming.

Joanna: [aboard her yacht, Joanna is on the phone] I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting. I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction? $1,700,000.
[gunshots]
Joanna: Grant, I'm on the phone!
Grant: I can't hear you, Tea Rose! I'm shooting skeet!
[goes back to firing]

Capt. Karl: What're you doing?
Annie: I'm turning the boat around.
Capt. Karl: Why?
Annie: I'm going home.
Capt. Karl: You're turning that wheel around too fast!

Joey: Are you gonna leave?
[the other boys stare]
Annie: No, I'm your mommy.
Joey: Sometimes moms leave.
Annie: Well I suppose that's true, but I'm not going anywhere.
Joey: Good.
[takes a necklace out of his overalls and hands it to her]
Annie: Ooh! Is this a present for me?
Joey: Yes, I did it with macaroni.
Annie: I love this, I'll always wear it.

Grant: [to Annie] I suppose we're on our way back to the jungles of Oregon?
Joanna: I want to go back, Grant.
Grant: To him.
Joanna: Yes. I'm sorry.
Grant: You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!

Elise: No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!