The Best Bill Atchison Quotes

[Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]
Elise: Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.
Bill: Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?
Elise: Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.

Bill: Nice car, used to have one myself.
Shelly: Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?
Bill: Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.
Shelly: Me neither.
Bill: So, are you here with anybody?
Shelly: Not really.
Bill: How old are you?

Bill: I'll sue you, I'll *break* you! You vindictive sack of silicone! That's my car, you piece of plastic!