150 Best Hank Moody Quotes

Hank: [to Meredith] Now you're giving me that look, right now, like I fingerblasted your cat.

Hank: [answering phone] City Morgue: You kill 'em, we chill 'em!

Hank: It's a big bad world full of twist and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything...

Karen: You look great.
Hank: I look like a fucking FBI agent.

Hank: This is Karen's chilled black bohemian lover. Blackhemian. Is that a word? Coining it!

Felicia: That was some very intense and powerful lovemaking.
[Hank pulls back]
Felicia: What's wrong?
Hank: Not a big fan of that term, lovemaking, making love. I prefer boning, stuffing, shtupping, banging, porking, boffing, anything. Take your pick. Just not lovemaking.
Felicia: So much for the afterglow.

Hank: Sorry for the mess on the rug. I didn't know your wife was such a squirter.

Charlie: Have you heard about Hell-A magazine?
Hank: Hell-No.

[repeated line]
Hank: Muthafuckaaaa!

Hank: How the fuck do you option a blog? What is there to option? The title? The font?

Tyler: Why don't you go easy on me, man? I got my ass beaten about a week ago
Hank: I know. I know that. And I was almost sad when I heard the news. And than I was vaguely disappointed when I heard you weren't gonna die or anything like that. But knowing that you were in great pain did make me smile. It's the little things, you know.

Hank: Why are you so understanding about his flaws, and not mine?
Julia: Cos you're just an amoral prick.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: You seem to be in pretty good shape. Where do you work out? You do the steps?
Hank: The steps?
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: In Santa Monica. It's quite a scene; lots of lovely ladies. You can really make a day out of it.
Hank: Yeah... yeah...
[looks around aimlessly]
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What's up? Need something?
Hank: No, I'm just thinking... if I wanted to hang myself, do you think this chandelier here will support my weight? About 175, 180.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: Got an interesting sense of humor, Hank.
Hank: That's what they tell me, Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.

Charlie: I'm sorry about your old man. You know, he was a good guy.
Hank: No he was not. He used to say you looked like a walking penis.
Charlie: Well, that's not very nice.

Dean: [to Felicia] We're gonna be discussing this in therapy...
Hank: That's an excellent idea! Therapize the fuck outta this shit!
Dean: And you're coming with us, Hank.
Hank: Uh, that's an awful idea.

Becca: I want to live with dad. I'll still visit and stuff. I just, I want most of the time with dad.
Hank: That... is the first I've heard of this, Karen. Karen?
[Karen walks away]
Hank: Karen. Karen! Uh, Becca, have you, um... have you thought this through? I mean, have you- have you...
[Becca walks away]
Hank: Becca. Shit, Becca! Becca... Bill?
[Bill groans and walks away]
Hank: Bill...
Mia: And then there were two. You know, I'm going to need some help getting out of this dress.
Hank: And then there was one.

Hank: [Hanks catches Gabriel going down on Richard] What the fuck?
Richard: I'm sorry, Hank. You weren't supposed to see that.
Hank: Fucking A-right I wasn't.
Richard: Look, I was overcome with emotion. I mean, he's done so much for me.
Gabriel: He kissed me on the mouth.
Hank: Yeah, he does that sometimes.
Gabriel: I felt something.
Hank: Obviously.
Richard: We went with it.
Hank: Yeah, you went with it all the way to fucking Blow Job City!

Marcy: [Charlie, Marcy, Karen and Becca are having an intervention for Hank] OK, long story short, Hank, okay. You gotta get your ass to rehab. If I could do it, you could do it. and I had the fucking yayo to contend with. You just got the bottle. Pussy!
Hank: [Chuckles] Fubk you, cunty smurf!

Hank: You are a very young sociopath in training.
Mia: Oh, come on. That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.

Hank: Alright, I wanna thank each and every one of you. Especially you, Sasha Bingham. You say you have great tits, and I most certainly concur, but that ass of yours is no slouch either.

Hank: [to Becca] There's no excuse for my behavior. There's no defense if somebody got hurt, especially you. But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it - the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry and the fact that your mom and I are in such a weird place... Yeah... it's a big stinkin' mess. But I am sorry if I let you down, sweetie. I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to say "I'm sorry" before it doesn't mean anything anymore.

Hank: Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like a tired old whore whose uterus is about to fall out?
Meredith: I think I'm in touch with that emotion.
Hank: Really? I was just being dramatic; do tell.

Hank's: It says here you were arrested for assaulting a filmmaker named Todd Carr.
Hank: A shitty filmmaker named Todd Carr. Does it say shitty there? Because it should.

Hank: [Charlie hugs Hank] Oh, big boy... are you crying?
Charlie: A little.
Hank: Jesus Christ.

Hank: It's my purgatory, really. Dinner, drinks... Whatever.
Hank: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway... 'Cause it's true. All women are, in... one way or another.
Hank: You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret... You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work.
Hank: But then there's the morning after. A hangover, and realizations that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. Then she's gone, and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

Hank: This car is givin' me the fuckin' creeps. I feel like we're about to roll into the Warsaw ghetto.
Samurai: Oh, shit, I ain't never been there. How the fuck is the food?
Hank: Scarce.

Hank: Are you happy?
Carrie: I haven't been unhappier in my whole life.

[Hank went to the doctor because he has a lump on his penis]
Dr. Riess: So what are you working on these days?
Hank: What am I working on? I'm working on trying to figure out what that fucking lump in my junk is. That's what I'm working on.

Karen: [after Hank read her a few lines retelling their lives together] That hasn't necessarily won me over.
Hank: Oh, I know, of course not. Till the fucking wheels come off, baby.

Hank: If I do anything about this shit, there's no telling of what she's going to do. There's no stopping her from telling Karen... or Bill... or Becca.
Charlie: Fuck, the police!
Hank: Fuck the police.

Hank: What?
Karen: You smell like pussy.
Hank: Thank you.

[last lines]
Karen: I was just fucking with you.
Hank: Good bye.

Hank: Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying it's female population.

Dean: Hello, Hank.
Hank: Good morning, Stacy.
Dean: The front door was open.
Hank: I can be, uh, very neighborly that way.
Dean: You never called me Stacy before. I wonder why.
Hank: I don't know. It kind of just rolled trippingly off the tongue this morning.
Dean: Oh, something must be different. Ah, that's right. You fucked my wife.

Sonja: Hi guys. Thanks for coming. By the way Hank, fuck you for putting this goddamn monster in my stomach.
Hank: I'm not entirely sure it's mine. There will be some genetic tests.
Karen: Do not be an asshole!
Hank: You're right. Let's get the little fucker out first, then we're gonna test.

Hank: [Julia has Hank in a dentist chair, she is wearing extra small white latex gloves and has dentist equipment in his mouth] This is not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Julia: I told you so.
Hank: You're really good at cleaning the teeth.
Julia: Fuckin' A right I am.
Hank: [In muffled voice] Can I have some more of this?
[He is referring to the laughing gas]
Julia: No! C'mon! You've had enough.
Hank: You didn't see me cutting you off weird at the bar did ya?
Julia: [Julie puts her latex gloved hands into Hank's mouth stretching it] Close your mouth.
Hank: Ahhh.
Julia: You know, you gotta see a dentist on a more regular basis. I can't stress it enough how important good oral hygiene is.
Hank: Stop saying that.
Julia: What?
Hank: Oral. Your turning me on.
[Julie giggles and is stretching Hank's mouth with her latex gloved hands]
Julia: Well, it's good to know I still turn you on.

Hank: 'Yellow Submarine'?
Becca: 'Pirates'.
Hank: Again?
Becca: Johnny Depp is hot.

Hank: Wrong place, wrong time, wrong vagina!

Hank: It's almost like the pursuit of this one woman, this one relationship became its own form of heroin. I was strung out. You know, I was driving her crazy making my kid miserable. When you finally give up and let go, good stuff starts to happen. She's better now. My kid's fantastic. I'm keeping it simple. Such a sad sweet tale of woe. I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing. I thought I might try to hang yourself there at some point.

Hank: [to Becca] There's no excuse for my behavior. There's no defense if somebody got hurt, especially you. But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it - the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry and the fact that your mom and I are in such a weird place... Yeah... it's a big stinkin' mess. But I am sorry if I let you down, sweetie. I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to say "I'm sorry" before it doesn't mean anything anymore.

Hank's: You know what? This is a big fucking waste of my time. Good luck to you, Mr. Moody.
Charlie: Apologize, you idiot!
Hank: Okay, look. I'm sorry that I talked about my balls. My big, beautiful balls. That was inappropriate.

Hank: I have a lame boner for justice.

Becca: I fucking hate you!
Hank: AND I FUCKIN' HATE YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Becca: She called.
Karen: She who?
Becca: That real estate whore. She's bringing some people by.
Karen: Language, young lady.
Becca: Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady" and give her a titty twister.
Hank: As much as I'd like to see that, the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge. If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, it might facilitate things a bit.

Hank: I wanna ask you a question, Runkle, and how you answer will determine whether or not I will put this cigarette out on your asshole. Would you take me the fuck home?
Charlie: Home it is, my good man.

Hank: [looking in bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.

Becca: [last scene, Becca's getting ready to head out the door but her father asks where she's going] The promenade. I'm meeting Chelsea.
Hank: Oh, not so fast. How you gonna get there?
Becca: I don't know. I'll walk or take the bus.
Hank: Did you even think to ask?
Becca: I didn't think you'd care.
Hank: Well, sorry, honey. Looks like I do.
Becca: Okay. Good to know. So can I go?
Hank: No. Why don't you stay in with me tonight? You know, we'll - we'll catch a movie. Pop some corn. The promenade will always be there. Unfortunately.
Becca: Yeah, sounds like a good time. But I think I'd rather go out.
Hank: Well, I - I think I'd rather have you stay home. How about that?
Becca: Got it. Loud and clear. So can I go?
Hank: Asked and answered, Becca.
Becca: Why?
Hank: Because I said so.
Becca: Because you said so?
Hank: Because I said so.
Becca: Jesus.
[gets on her phone to text]
Hank: Who are you texting?
Becca: Chelsea. To tell her you're being a total dick right now.
Hank: What is going on with you? When did you become such a little snot?
[Becca chuckles]
Hank: That is not funny, Becca.
Becca: It's funny to me.
[Hank suddenly grabs the phone from Becca's hands, she tries to go for it but he turns around and hurls it across the room in a fit of rage, damaging it]
Becca: I FUCKING HATE YOU!
[runs to her room and slams the door]
Hank: YEAH AND I FUCKING HATE YOU, TOO, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Hank: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have terrible taste in movies.

Levon: [outside] Mom! Is Hank in there?
Julia: [interrupted romantic session] Fucking cock-blocker strikes again!
[groans]
Hank: [hastily dressing as Levon enters] Hey, buddy!
Levon: [can see a mile off something's up] What's going on?
Hank: [he and Julia both try very hard to play innocent] What? What do you mean?
Levon: You guys been messing around?
Hank: [overdoing his feigning] What? Why would you, why would you, why would you ask that? Why would you think that?
[he and Julia breaks out giggling despite their efforts]
Hank: That's a weird fucking question, dude, right?
Levon: No, it's not.
Hank: It's fucked up.
Levon: Yeah, the energy level feels all weird in here right now...
Hank: Does it?
Levon: [to his Mom] ... and your make-up's all screwy. You look like a homeless hooker.
Julia: [lamely] Don't be silly, honey. I just have a few questions about the scene.

Judge: Mr. Moody, before I commence sentencing, do you have anything you'd like to say for yourself?
Hank: Yes I do, your honor. But I'm not sure it would move you one way or the other. Begging for mercy is not my style, and to do so at this stage would be disingenuous anyway. The only thing that I'm truly sorry for is embarassing my daughter and her mother. Everything else is just noise. Plain and simple. Thank you your honor. Oh, and free the West Memphis Three.

Hank: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.

Hank: I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too fuckin' late.

[to Meredith]
Hank: Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank: First of all, you could not handle me hitting it off with somebody right in front of you.
Karen: Oh, you're right. It could be very painful, but I think I'll get through it.
Hank: Okay, so I take this to mean that the answer is 'no', that you're not going to marry me.
Bill: Hank, I'm standing right here.

Mrs. Patterson: Just so you know, I'm on my period.
Hank: Not sure I needed a verbal on that but I care very little about such things. I was in Nam.
Mrs. Patterson: God. My ex always cared. He thought it was dirty.
Hank: Oh, it is dirty... in a good way.
Mrs. Patterson: Also, I haven't had much time to trim the hedges lately, if you know what I'm saying.
Hank: I do know what you're saying, and again, no worries. I enjoy a generous thicket.
Mrs. Patterson: I gotta tell you, your feelings about periods and pubic hair have just made me a bigger fan.
Hank: It's what I do. Anything else you care to disclose?
Mrs. Patterson: I'm very excited about fucking you right now.
Hank: Oh, you are a chatty one, Mrs. Patterson.

[repeated line]
Hank: I can do that.

Hank: There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen.

Hank: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize, I've already said too much. I just got out of jail, and I haven't slept, eaten, or - pardon me, milady - taken a decent crap in days. Except his coffee does seem to be working. It is time to release the Kraken.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: I'll take care of you.
Hank: Thank you, Lloyd Alan Philips Jr. I feel safe with you.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What are you reading right now?
Hank: What am I... reading?
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What's on your nightstand right now?
Hank: That's an interesting question. Um, bottle of Heineken, pack of smokes, The Accommodator.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: The Accommodator... like a novel?
Hank: No, no, it's more like a sex toy. A dildo essentially, only you strap it to your head so that the dong part juts out from your chin. It enables you to accommodate your lady by performing oral and penetrado at the same time.
[performs a visual demonstration]
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: Interesting.
Hank: I think it's very interesting. I could hook you up.

Hank: Just because I fired you doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart. Just kidding.

Hank: Anybody can be cynical. Dare to be an optimist.
Becca: Who are you right now?
Hank: Just your regular asshole father. Who else?

Charlie: [after Samurai Apocalypze shot Charlie] So, are we good, Hank?
Hank: Are we good? You just took a bullet for me. Of course we're good.
Charlie: I told you I would, Hank, didn't I? I told you I'd take a bullet for you.
Hank: You sure did, and I love you for it, you stupid bald son of a bitch.
Charlie: I love you too, Hank.

Hank: You're so beautiful you're almost ugly.

Charlie: What, don't you fucking knock?
Hank: Don't you lock?

Hank: Grab yourself a lady friend.
Charlie: It's not that easy. I'm old and bald and lacking in social skills.
Hank: Yeah, but you do make a decent living. And you have this groovy pad.
Charlie: And that's really good for the hedonist. It impresses the shit out of the strippers and the barmaids. But what if I want something more?
Hank: Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

Hank: [upon getting fellatio from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.

Hank: Ain't life fuckin' grand?

Hank: I guess I always' hopin' that your mother will take me back, gave me another chance.
Becca: Maybe that's your problem dad, you see it as winning her back... but there's no winning in this game. You're not some white knight on his steed. She's not some fairytale princess. She's just as fucked up as you are... and just as incredible.

Dean: [to Felicia] We're gonna be discussing this in therapy...
Hank: That's an excellent idea! Therapize the fuck outta this shit!
Dean: And you're coming with us, Hank.
Hank: Uh, that's an awful idea.

Trixie: What are your thoughts on rehab?
Hank: Rehab is for quitters.

Hank: Don't you lock?

Jill: Okay, I've been doing some thinking.
Hank: Oh, you mean some overthinking!
Jill: You...
Hank: Yes?
Jill: I accept you.
Hank: What?
Jill: Haha, no, I accept you for who you are.
Hank: Oh, you accept me. Thanks, I guess.
Jill: You're not listening, stupid!
Hank: I'm listening!
Jill: I accept you for who you are! I don't wanna change you. I...
[Hank dodges Jill and prepares coffee]
Jill: I think we work well together, you know? Kid or no kid, snip or no snip, I wanna be with you. I think I spent years idolizing...
Hank: Sure you don't want some coffee?
Jill: No. I think I was in love with the idea of love, you know?
Hank: Tea?
Jill: No, thanks. I like what we have.
Hank: Are ya hungry?
Jill: No. But now I know that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with *you*, Hank Moody.
Hank: [laughs uncomfortably] Aw, Jill... this... it's... what... but...
Jill: No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now...
[takes off coat to reveal her naked body, Hank drops his mug and it shatters on the floor]
Hank: Ho...
Jill: Yeah. Or I just might...
[turns around and shakes butt]
Jill: Butt you back!
[someone knocks on the door]
Hank: FUCK!

Karen: Coffee?
Hank: Oh GOD yes!

Richard: [Walks up to the doorway to the dining room stark naked] Who wants to see me tuck and do the pee-pee-dance?
Hank: [raises hand] Come on, I can't be the only one?... Where are the girls?
Richard: And then... Just like that
[snaps fingers]
Richard: he unveiled his beautiful man-pussy. His glorious mangina.
[sings]
Richard: Mmh Mmh-Meet my peach baby, Blow on my dice! I wanna swing that swing, don't you treat me nice.
Dean: Richard let me...
Dean: [Keeps on singing] I'm wild for you.
Dean: Let me call you a cab.
Richard: [Still singing] Sweet Baby I'm a child for you.
Dean: Lets get you clothes.
Felicia: You know what, why don't stay in the guest room?
Richard: Stacy? Have you ever spent time with an eleven year old boy and wanted more from him than he was willing to give? Have you ever breathed in the scent of a woman's sweaty unwashed sex? And just
[sniffs the air]
Richard: Mhh and wanted to bottle and sell at market. You ever been so drunk on cock? You Howled at the moon and begged for a few inches more.
Hank: Ladies? Dean Koons?
Richard: All these question and more will be answered... in my new novel. First! I wanna go for a swim! Urgh!
[Runs through the dining room and jumps out the window]
Richard: Wooh!
Hank: Love that guy. Big fan.

Hank: Pity those poor kids, who are never gonna forget this image of this big naked man-baby rising up from the water like the creature from the pasty white lagoon.

Amy: [she had waited for the producer, to discuss notes] Hey!
Hank: Hey?
Amy: You're not going to make me kiss that fucking lunatic, are you?
Hank: Not if I can help it.
Amy: Thank God. Cos I can think of somebody else I'd much rather be kissing.
Hank: The director?
Amy: [laughs] God. Did I tell you? He texted me a picture of his penis.
Hank: Oh. How did you respond?
Amy: I texted back, saying "Where's the rest of it?"
[both laugh]
Amy: He hasn't given me a note since.
Hank: [impressed] Amy Taylor Walsh. Kicking ass and taking names.
Amy: [softly, sure of herself, pleased] That's right, motherfucker.

[Hank and Mia had a one-night stand]
Karen: This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank. You two know each other?
Hank: No.
Mia: Well, I do recognize you.
Hank: No.
Mia: Yeah, sure I do.
Hank: No.
Mia: From your book. Your picture is on the back.

Hank: [answering phone] City Morgue: You kill 'em, we chill 'em!

Jill: Okay, I've been doing some thinking.
Hank: Oh, you mean some overthinking!
Jill: You...
Hank: Yes?
Jill: I accept you.
Hank: What?
Jill: Haha, no, I accept you for who you are.
Hank: Oh, you accept me. Thanks, I guess.
Jill: You're not listening, stupid!
Hank: I'm listening!
Jill: I accept you for who you are! I don't wanna change you. I...
[Hank dodges Jill and prepares coffee]
Jill: I think we work well together, you know? Kid or no kid, snip or no snip, I wanna be with you. I think I spent years idolizing...
Hank: Sure you don't want some coffee?
Jill: No. I think I was in love with the idea of love, you know?
Hank: Tea?
Jill: No, thanks. I like what we have.
Hank: Are ya hungry?
Jill: No. But now I know that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with *you*, Hank Moody.
Hank: [laughs uncomfortably] Aw, Jill... this... it's... what... but...
Jill: No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now...
[takes off her coat to reveal naked body, Hank drops his mug and it shatters on the floor]
Hank: Ho...
Jill: Yeah. Or I just might...
[turns around and shakes butt]
Jill: ... butt you back!
[someone knocks at the door]
Hank: FUCK!

Chloe: Fuck me like I'm Al-Qaeda!
Hank: I'm declaring Jihad on your pussy.

Hank: How you feeling?
Levon: Amazing, amazing. It's like my head is so fucking clear right now you know. I feel like I understand the relationship between shit and the universe a lot better. I feel like I could honestly solve some of the worlds' bigger problems.
Hank: You got the poison out.
Levon: Yes, exactly. How long is this feeling gonna last?
Hank: About six to seven minutes.
Levon: Shit.

Hank: Oh, it's you again.
Nun: Back for another blowjob?
Hank: No, no-no. Although that was very nice of you that other time, you give excellent head. For a nun.
Nun: Lifetime of service, Hank.

Hank: [spills beer on himself] Oh shit.
Karen: You should change your shirt.
Hank: You still make me wet.
Karen: [to Becca, whispering] You didn't hear that.

Actress: Why does he love her so much? What is it about her?
Hank: I don't know. I don't think I have ever known. I think sometimes you get it right at the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

Hank: You're not gonna play me like that, are you?
Eddie: Like what, friend?
Hank: Like a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Rourke. In a gay bar.

Radio: What's your latest obsession?
Hank: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.
Radio: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.
Hank: Hence my self-loathing.

Hank: [after catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!
Charlie: Shit!
[falls over]

Hank: Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true.

Hank: You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

[to Becca, on her first day of school]
Hank: Whatever you do, don't be another brick in the wall.

Becca: Father?
Hank: Daughter?
Becca: Can I ask you something?
Hank: Anything, my dear.
Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank: You wait right there, OK?
Becca: There's no hair on the vagina. Do you think she's OK?
Hank: I'll check.

Annika: Please stop this. I just need some water. I'm just really dehydrated. I just need something with electrolytes.
Hank: Vagatorade.
Annika: Good one. That was nice.

Hank: Sometimes, it's best not to get involved in the affairs of others.
Becca: That's interesting, coming from the most intrusive man I know.

Felicia: That was some very intense and powerful lovemaking.
[Hank pulls back]
Felicia: What's wrong?
Hank: Not a big fan of that term, lovemaking, making love. I prefer boning, stuffing, shtupping, banging, porking, boffing, anything. Take your pick. Just not lovemaking.
Felicia: So much for the afterglow.

Hank: Rosario here is my amiga and she tells me that when she tried to call it quits between you two, you didn't wanna stop. Now I'm all for the...
[pounds hand three times]
Hank: That's cool, I'm not one to judge. But you, the power relations are skewed here, you understand? You gotta read your Karl Marx. So I want you to respect her shit.
Ron: What are you talking about?
Hank: And I don't wanna hear that she's been let go because the day I hear about that, that's the day that your old lady hears about it, comprende?
Ron: Fuck you.
Hank: Fuck me?
Rosario: No, fuck you, Ron.
Hank: Fuck you, Ron.
Rosario: Yeah, fuck *you*, Ron.
Hank: Fuck you, Ron!

[to Meredith]
Hank: Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Dean: Are you in love with my wife, Hank?
Hank: [pauses] That's a ridiculous question.
Dean: Well, she seems to be in love with you. Do you feel the same?
Hank: Feel the same...
Dean: Do you love her?
[long uncomfortable pause, then Becca and Chelsea enter the apartment]
Hank: [immediately shifts attention to them] What... do we have here?
Becca: What are you doing home?
Hank: Uh, wha... school clothes? Is it a snow day?
Chelsea: What are you guys doing here?
Dean: I believe that question should be directed at you, young lady.
Hank: Copy that, motherfucker!

Hank: Yo K-Fed, the little man on the boat he's up here, that's where he is, right here.
[makes V symbol and dirty tongue motion towards top]

Hank: Ain't life fuckin' grand?

Hank: [in falsetto] See you in hell, motherfucker.
Charlie: [Yells] Don't say motherfucker like that. It makes me miss you!

Karen: What would you do if our little spawn actually became, like, a rock star?
Hank: I would be really proud of her.
Karen: You would?
Hank: And I would be there to help pump her stomach when she OD'd.

Hank: [to Becca about why he does what he does with women] But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. I guess I just wanted them all to see it, the thing that makes them special. I guess that's all anybody wants... is to be seen... to be recognized. Then the lines get blurry...

Hank: [to Karen] Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

Hank: [she thought they were going to a restaurant] Because I thought this would be way more charming.
Karen: Dinner at Charlie and Marcy's house?
[raises her eyes]
Hank: C'mon. A dinner slaved over by yours truly, and an empty Malibu beach house? This place is ours for hours.
Karen: Hank.
Hank: Yes?
Karen: Look at me. I am not gonna sleep with you.
Hank: I had no such expectations.

Hank: I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are.

Rick: I will fuck you 'til your ass bleeds, cowboy!
Hank: Thank God 'cause I don't think that's going to take very long.

Hank: Oh shit, you're not preggers are you?

Sasha: One you fucked my mother, my vagina pretty much sealed right up.
Hank: Oh, so you're like a Barbie now.
Sasha: When it comes to you. Yeah.
Hank: So you're smooth and hairless with little peachy cleft right there? I would very much like to see that someday.
Director: It's gorgeous. It's a gorgina.

Hank: What the fuck do you want?
Mia: I'm late.
Hank: What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.
Mia: I'm late for school.

[trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens]
Hank: Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.

Lew: I just thought I give you something for the book. We drove out here in beat-up Mustang that didn't go into reverse anymore. I was going to be a guitar hero, she was going to design my stage clothes. I ended up producing, she ended up alone. All the time. She wanted the house. I wanted the... uh... freedom. Sure as fuck got it. Now I drink what I want. Snort what I want. Fuck what I want. When all I want, is her.
Hank: Let's go knock on her door.
Lew: Fuck that. Not nearly drunk enough for that.
Hank: Thank you.
Lew: For what?
Hank: For reminding me to call my old lady.
Lew: The one that didn't bail you out?
Hank: Probably what I dig most about her.
Lew: Ooh.

Marcy: Julia... Julia... would you fuck a guy for a million dollars? He's got a great big cock, fills you right up...
[Karen signals her not to respond]
Charlie: Jesus, Marcy!
Julia: You know, I've never been that much of a size queen. I prefer a pretty penis.
Hank: That's right, baby!
[remembers Karen]
Hank: I'm sorry, Karen. It's very confusing, and you invited her to join us, so...
Julia: It's true, we have both experienced his penis, and it... it is pretty.
Karen: [as non-commitably as possible] It's okay...
Marcy: I've seen it. I've tugged on it a couple of times accidentally...
Karen: [softly, insistently] That's disgusting...
Marcy: ...it's a nice one, smooth helmet. Good job, kid.

Hank: I love women. I have all their albums.

Hank: [explaining life to Lew] There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.

Hank: Sorry I'm late. I just, uh...
Charlie: Just what?
Hank: Nah, that's all I got.

Hank: One dead millionaire. One dead monkey. Autoerotic asphyxiation. The billionaire, not the monkey.

Atticus: Hank Moody!
Hank: Oh, I must be really fucking drunk. Is that Atticus Fetch?
Atticus: Baudelaire, Bukowski and Oscar Wilde all wrapped up into one talented motherfucking writer. Respect!
Hank: [At Charlie] Remember that for my tombstone.

Dean: Hello, Hank.
Hank: Good morning, Stacy.
Dean: The front door was open.
Hank: I can be, uh, very neighborly that way.
Dean: You never called me Stacy before. I wonder why.
Hank: I don't know. It kind of just rolled trippingly off the tongue this morning.
Dean: Oh, something must be different. Ah, that's right. You fucked my wife.

Hank: Where's Ilsa, the She Wolf of the SS?
Temp: Excuse me?
Hank: Dani. Where's Dani?
Temp: Oh, she's in a meeting with, uh, Mr. Runkle. And you are?
Hank: Going in there.
Temp: I'm sorry, sir, I can't...
Hank: Wi-wi-will you look at the time? The big hand says 'fuck' and the little hand says 'off'.

Trixie: Hank Moody, my hero. Just say the word if you want to be properly rewarded. My treat of course.
Lew: Seriously? You'd comb him?
Trixie: Sure, why not? I've sampled the merchandise I know it's fresh.
Hank: I do remember you telling me that you never came that hard with a John before. Thought it was a line but as you walked away your knees were a little wobbly so I thought maybe, yeah maybe...
Lew: Hold on, slow down, are you saying he's fucking better than me?
Hank: Fucking better at the fucking yes, I believe that's what's she's getting at.
Trixie: No, that is not what what I'm getting at. Please, what a stupid question. Are the Stones better than the Beatles?
Lew: Fucking A they are!
Hank: I must agree with the man.

Meredith: My baby.
Hank: You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!
Meredith: No, my dog, Cat Stevens.
Hank: You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!

Charlie: I'm close to sealing the deal.
Hank: With lady Tyson? Good luck. Keep your hands up, though.
Charlie: She's in if you are part of it. I think she's got a thing for you.
Hank: No, I'm not going for that. I've already given that girl enough of my precious bodily fluids.
Charlie: Take one for the team. My wife is out there trolling for snatch, OK?

Becca: So, who won that round?
Hank: Oh, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Becca: Looks like a fun game.
Hank: You think I made her laugh?
Becca: Sure. A little. On the inside.

Trixie: So what are your thoughts of rehab?
Hank: Rehab is for quitters.

Hank: Hey, where you goin', short stuff?
Becca: Out.
Hank: Out, you say. Out where?
Becca: Just out.
Hank: "Just Out"? I'm not familiar with that area.

Hank: A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.

Hank: Despite the fact that I'm a swirling black hole, I'm pretty fucking awesome sometimes.

Hank: I fainted? Like a little girl?
Abby: Pretty much, yeah.
Hank: What a pussy I am.
Abby: You said it, I just thought it.

Abby: We had sex. You made me come.
Hank: Don't sell yourself short. I invited you to come. You did all the rest.

Hank: Rectum? Damn near killed him.

Hank: I like to think I have a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so. Two inches shy.

Sasha: I'm not going to sleep with you.
Hank: Oh, all right. You're not really my type, anyway. I like them older, and handicapped, excuse me, handi-capable.
Sasha: Well, now I'm definitely, for sure, not going to sleep with you.
Hank: Hank
Sasha: Mia
Hank: Okay, you win, lady. You're officially creeping me out.

Hank: What are you guys doing? You playing footsie?
Charlie: She's playing footsie, not me.
Sue: Oh, we're not dating, just fucking.
Hank: Really?
Charlie: Just the once.
Sue: Oh, bullshit. I gave you two blowjobs in one night, and you ate this pussy like your mama made it.

Hank: What did she say?
Charlie: She wanted to play home invasion. Yeah, you break in, pistol-whip me, tie me to a chair, and then I have to watch while you rape her.
Hank: What is wrong with kids today?

Hank: Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time.

Karen: Did you ever stop and think that it might be nice for Rebecca to see us all get along for a change?
Hank: Well yes, and it might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting The White Album but I haven't been able to quite master that yet.

Hank: I'm not immune to kind words, especially when they're so true.

Hank: You think that your father loved your mother's beautiful pussy any less because she had more hair down there?
Club: Don't be talking about my mom's pussy!
Hank: Why? I said it was beautiful, man.

Hank: Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.
Charlie: That is profound... ly depressing.

Hank: I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.

Hank: Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 'cause it's true - all women are, in one way or another. You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. There's a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life's work. But then there's the morning after. The hangover, and the realization that I'm not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she's gone. And I'm haunted by yet another road not taken.

Becca: Father?
Hank: Daughter?
Becca: Can I ask you something?
Hank: Anything, my love.
Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank: You wait right there okay?
Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's ok?
Hank: I'll check.

Nun: Well, normally I would suggest a bunch of Our Fathers or a couple of Hail Marys, but I don't think that's going to get it done. What about a blowjob?
Hank: Hm?
Nun: A blowjob. Would that make you feel any better?
Hank: A blowjob from you?
Nun: Well, something tells me it's not going to suck itself, Hank.

Hank: I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.
Nun: Is there something I can help you with?
Hank: Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.

Hank: It's true, I am kind of retarded, but I am also kind of amazing.

Hank: [to Janie Jones] Hey, my name is Hank Moody. I'm a writer and I was doing some research...
Ron: [in Hank's face] Did I say that you could talk to her?
Hank: Jesus, you've got a bit of an overprotective vibe happening here.
[to Janie]
Hank: I wanna ask you a question about Lew. Lew Ashby.
Ron: Hey, hey, I asked you nicely to get off my property.
Hank: I don't know about nicely, motherfucker. I will leave your property when I'm good and ready... mothafuckaaa!
[turns around and trips on a bush]
Hank: Who puts a fuckin' bush there?

Karen: And the judge? Did you sleep with the judge too?
Hank: No, no. Just a little oral... and some anal.

Hank: You want to be a writer, huh?
Levon: No, not really. It seems like hard work Hank Moody it's the worst, it sucks balls, like having home work for the rest of your life
Hank: It's the worst, it sucks balls, like having home work for the rest of your life.

[to Becca]
Damien: I got you something.
[he gives her an MP3 player]
Damien: I put a playlist on there, our playlist, the one we made out to. All 17 songs.
Hank: What! Seventeen songs? That's a lot of making out.

Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What are you reading right now?
Hank: What am I... reading?
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: What's on your nightstand right now?
Hank: That's an interesting question. Um, bottle of Heineken, pack of smokes, The Accommodator.
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: The Accommodator... like a novel?
Hank: No, no, it's more like a sex toy. A dildo essentially, only you strap it to your head so that the dong part juts out from your chin. It enables you to accommodate your lady by performing oral and penetrado at the same time.
[performs visual demonstration]
Lloyd Alan Philips Jr.: Interesting.
Hank: I think it's very interesting. I could hook you up.