1000 Best The Simpsons Quotes

Nelson: [Lisa has won over the students through song] Hey, I've got a song, too. "I am Iron Man."
[humming the song's guitar riff]
Nelson: Vote for me! Ah, screw it.

Lisa: You're reading "Gravity's Rainbow"?
Tina: Re-reading.
Carrie: Sorry, what are you guys talking about? I was making fractals.
Lisa: [thinking] These girls are brilliant. I've finally found kids I can relate to.
[out loud]
Lisa: You guys are so cool. I can't believe I never met you before.
Tina: Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie.
Carrie: Maybe we can hang out together.
Lisa: Oh, I'd love to.
Lugash: [coming in] You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone.
Tina: I had a dog.
Lugash: Is cat now!

Mr. Lassen: [as a prison guard] All right you maggots! Lights out! You too, you degenerate freak!
[to Sideshow Bob, who has a dartboard with Bart's face; Lassen sees it]
Mr. Lassen: You hate him too?
Sideshow: With every fiber of what's left of my being.
Mr. Lassen: We should team up. I can get you out of here.
Sideshow: A partnership. Who gets to gut him like a pot-bellied salmon?
Mr. Lassen: I assumed we would take turns.
Sideshow: No deal!

Homer: We can't give up, we're on TV. And when you're on TV, you dig in your claws and you never let go - just like Bill Moyers!

Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

Chief: Listen to me lady; the only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.
Lou: What about a hot air balloon?
Chief: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.

Mr. Burns: Behold, the most hideous of all!
[Opens curtain to reveal Moe]
Moe: How you doin'?
[Crowd gasps in horror]
Moe: Anyone here from New Jersey?
[Woman raises her hand]
Moe: I'm going there next week.
[Woman screams and faints]

[Lisa is being chased by a bighorn sheep and runs to Mr. Burns' house and knocks on the door and Mr. Burns answers]
Lisa: Mad beast!
Mr. Burns: Liberal midget!

Principal: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.

Lisa: Do you remember how you got home last night, Dad?
Homer: Of course. It was, uh, some kind of a... light rail.
Lisa: There's no light rail in Springfield.
Homer: Oh, won't anyone pretend to believe me?
Bart: I will, Dad.
Homer: And that's why you're my favorite.

Mick: We're doing a benefit gig before we leave town. How would you like to join us on-stage?
Homer: For serious?
Keith: For serious, Homer.
Homer: Can I have 40 guest passes?
[Mick looks to Keith, who shrugs; Mick, in turn, nods at Homer]
Homer: Whoo-hoo!

Todd: Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?
Homer: Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.
Rod: But users are losers.
Homer: You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"

Lea: Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much!

Homer: I never thought I'd say this, but...
[mumbling to himself]
Homer: ... stupid Flanders.

Bart: All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".
Principal: It's "pro bono".
Bart: I know what I said.

Homer: Camping is pointless. You take a bath and dress up to drive hours to a place with no showers or laundry. What I'm trying to say is, where's Maggie?

Lisa: All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!
Turanga: And bury Bart in the hole!
Marge: I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.
Turanga: In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.
Marge: Hmmm...

Homer: Oh, why won't anyone give me an award?
Lisa: You won a Grammy.
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
[announcement on the bottom of the screen: Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all]

Lisa: I don't get it. How can you be an undercover cop?
Shepard: Don't look so surprised. For thirty years I've been telling people to obey.
Abraham: What happened to you? You used to be the dean of the underground scene.
Shepard: I'm not about sucking up to posers anymore. I just sell them stuff now.

Mr. Burns: I haven't a friend in the world.
Smithers: You have me, sir.
Mr. Burns: I pay you, Smithers. A man cannot pay another man to love him.
Smithers: Well, actually...
Mr. Burns: I'll retire to my bed.
Smithers: That's where everyone put their coats.
Mr. Burns: Throw them in my woodchipper and use the remains to wash my car.
[Smithers tosses coats out window and into woodchipper, the shreds going into a bin marked "rags"]
Mr. Burns: Why does everyone hate me?

Homer: Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.

Homer: [singing] He's your peppy, perky, nightmare neighborino!
Homer: If you despise polite lefthanders...
Ned: [singing along] Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders, or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd.
Rod: That's us.
Todd: Hooray!

[Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins]
Bart: Mine has a cup holder.
Lisa: Bart, that a blowhole.
Bart: You're a blowhole!
[Bart puts cup on blowhole; dolphin starts to sink]
Bart: No, boy. Up! Up!

Announcer: That was "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats, or as they're known today... Men Without Jobs.

Marge: My goodness. What a lovely suit, Sheriff. Is that seersucker?
Officer: Nah, not on a civil servant's salary. It's nearsucker.
Marge: Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.
Officer: Yup. It's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been getting at it. Hoo, man!
Marge: Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.
Officer: Well, now.
[chuckles]
Officer: I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.

Lenny: The clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.
Homer: Like this, Mr. Kravitz?
Lenny: [seeing him in an identical outfit, with his beer belly spilling out of his shirt] God, no.
Apu: May we talk about, uh, accentuating the... masculine area?
Lenny: Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing. Now, I don't do it. Kenny Loggins does.
Kenny: [outside] I trusted you!
[he runs away sobbing]

Homer: An anarchic world of free expression!
Lisa: Little cars shaped like cupcakes!
Homer: I'm home!

[playing Monopoly]
Lisa: These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!
Marge: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
Lisa: Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
Bart: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
Homer: Why you little...!
[Homer starts strangling Bart]
Marge: Stop fighting!
[Marge starts strangling Homer]
Lisa: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.
[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
Marge: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Apu: [singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above
Bart,31226: [singing] Don't fence me in.
Apu: [singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.
Homer: [singing] Can't keep it in.
[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

Bart: And I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success led to some crazy propaganda network called Fox News.

Homer: HOMER MAD!

[Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer]
Sideshow: Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these.
[shows votes with all the same handwriting]
Homer: Nevertheless, the people have spoken.

Lisa: [Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!
Marge: [Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!
Homer: [Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?

Lisa: We beat them back! Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace.
Bart: Wanna melt it with a hose?
Lisa: Yeah, I guess. A couple of birds pooped on it over here.

Marge: I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.
Lisa: It's 300, Mom.
Marge: I could have sworn it was 302.
Lisa: Shhh!

Lisa: Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect... What can you do?
Marge: Some things will be handled at a later date.
Lisa: If at all.

Bart: When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eyes. Build up to it.

Marge: Everyone seemed so happy, but I'm surprised at Ned. He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.
Lisa: He's just being true to the Bible, which *is* pretty violent.
Bart: And sexy. King David stole someone else's wife, Mary Magdalene was a hooker...
Marge: Bart. How do you know these things?
Bart: [holding up "The Bible for Wise-Asses"] Eh, it's all in this book.

[first lines]
Marge: And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!
Lisa: Yay!
Homer: This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...
Lisa: Video game convention!

Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.

Homer: [Becky announces she's moving out] Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say... when's the ice cream gonna get here?
Squeaky: [thunder crashes and the lights go dark] And God say gather ye two of every flavor, anoint them with 62 sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it... "The Ark".
[a canoe-sized bowl of ice cream is carried out to their table; panting in excitement, Homer's face falls into it]
Becky: Homer!
Bart: Relax, he's gorging.
[waiting for Homer to move]
Bart: Okay, maybe not.
Becky: [pulling him out] We've got to save him!
[she starts mouth-to-mouth resuscitation; coming in and misunderstanding the context, Marge screams]
Marge: Usurper! Usurper! Usurper!

Bart: Maybe I'm magic too.
[Picks up a stick and aims it at the wizards]
Bart: Abracaramba!
Sorcererintendent: Yes, pick up a stick and say a funny word. That's not insulting to us at all.

[the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.

[Homer gets pulled out to sea by a giant rip tide]
Homer: Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave. And this rip tide is certainly nothing daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody Help!... Current too strong... I know, if I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.
[Homer sinks to the bottom, but quickly loses energy and has to come back up]
Homer: Maggie! Call Aquaman!

Homer: [Lisa wakes up after passing out] Are you okay, Lisa?
Lisa: I'm more than okay. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Aw, she must have dreamt about Hitler again.

Bart: How you doing, Mr. Assange?
Julian: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
Marge: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
Julian: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
Homer: Well I have a really big secret for you.
[whispers]
Homer: I'm not wearing any underwear.
Julian: You know, you should really get out less.

Lisa: [the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.
Homer: Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?
Dr. Hibbert: [Sternly] What did I just say?

Marge: My first gray hair!
Homer: Oh, Marge. Don't worry. Lots of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.
Marge: Oh, Homer. You always mean to say the nicest things.
Homer: Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.

Nelson: Hey, get a room, you two.
Lisa: We're brother and sister.
Milhouse: So are my parents, I think.

Homer: Good morning, everybody. What's for breakfast, cutie?
Marge: Homie, it's 5:00 p.m. We're having dinner.
Homer: What? Wait a... that can't be right.
[checking the clock]
Homer: Wait. Was last night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours?
Bart: No. It was the night you got loaded at Moe's and the car had to be towed home.
Homer: If I was that drunk, I would remember it.

Homer: Loyal citizens of New Springfield, you stayed on my side of town despite a total lack of hospitals and schools, and a sewage nightmare that threatens to consume us all.
Carl: How do we get our food? All the roads are blocked.
Homer: Don't worry. We have plenty of supplies to get through tomorrow. And then a wave of disease should help to...
[seeing citizens starting to climb the wall to the other side]
Homer: Hey! Stop streaming over the wall! At least wait 'til l I'm through talking. Okay, now, as for food, the following breeds of dog are edible.

Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

Homer: Mr. Burns, I've compiled list of safety recommendations for the plant.
Mr. Burns: Well, let me throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.
Homer: But the book said you'd applaud my initiative...
Mr. Burns: What book is that? "The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus"? Stop wasting my time and get out of my sight, you corn-fed man-cow!

Bart: Oh, when is our food gonna get here? I'm starved!
Homer: I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel.
Lisa: What about this swordfish?
Homer: Oh, my life's work ruined!
Sea: [coming up to the table] Yar, sorry 'bout the delay. The chef is having a bit of a problem with tonight's special.
[in the kitchen, the chef fights an octopus with eight knives in its tentacles]
Sea: Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you something from a better restaurant.
Marge: Red Lobster?
Sea: Not that good. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time.
[sitting down with them and puffing on his pipe]
Sea: Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history: the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea: Ah, yes, the ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea: Now who's being naive?

Apu: Snake? You're dead!
Homer: I know you are, but what am I?

Phil: Food does not equal love!

Homer: How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie?
Taxi: Little of both. You got a family?
Homer: Oh, yeah. Wife and two or three kids. Can't imagine my life without 'em.
Marge: [watching on TV] Oh, you big fooler. Pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.
Homer: [chuckling nervously] Yeah, I'm pretty great.
[his taxi conversation continues]
Homer: At the end of a hard day, there's no better feeling than coming home to the people that you love.
Marge: Oh, Homie.
Lisa: That is so sweet.
Bart: I had no idea, Dad. I just assumed with all the stranglings, you know...
Homer: That my family isn't the center of my universe? Are you nuts?
[on TV]
Homer: Then there's those other days where you just wish you never got married or had kids. One minute, you're a carefree teenager, with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy... then bam, some babe gets her claws in you...
Marge: Huh?
Homer: ...and boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love. So, whammo, you get stuck in some boring job where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women. And all you can do is watch yourself get bald and fat and kiss your dreams goodbye.
[he passes out and starts snoring]
Homer: [watching with the family] Aw, I can't believe they took "Monkey Trauma Center" off for this.

Chorus: [sung] Oh the Fat in the Hat doesn't care what moms say / The minute they leave you, he'll take you away / His breakfast is dinner, his dinner's dessert / You might see his name on an Amber alert

Tony: [Tony Blair has met the Simpsons at the airport. Lisa asks him to give them a personal tour of his country] I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at gate 23. Cheereo!
[He flys away on a jet pack]
Homer: Wow! I can't belive we met Mr. Bean!

Otto: Real songs are about deals with the devil, far-off lands, and where you'd find smoke in relation to water.

Marge: I'm not gonna let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
Homer: Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity, just in case I never become a real billionaire.
Marge: Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because...
Lenny: Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
Homer: Whoo-hoo!

Homer: Moe, my in-laws are coming, and I need something strong enough to make me forget I hate them but not so strong that I tell them I love them.

Stranger: [Bumps into Moe] Oh, sorry, pal.
Moe: Sorry, pal? That's common courtesy, the kind I've only seen in the movies.

Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful.
Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!

Homer: Prepers? I hate you guys! With your blazers and country clubs, while we townies have to pay our own bills.
Lloyd: We're prepers, not preppies. But I like your hatred.
Homer: It's based on nothing.

[Bart and Milhouse walk up to home plate]
Bart: Hey, Dad, can we play?
Robot: [scans Bart and Milhouse using X-ray vision] We cannot take the inferior one.
Milhouse: My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.
Robot: Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.
Robot: We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.

Betty: If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up" and "Shut Your Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.
Bart: Pledge drive? Ugh!
PBS: That's right, Betty White.
Betty: Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief.
PBS: Okay, take it easy, Betty.
Betty: Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!
Homer: You're mad? Where's my show?
PBS: And now it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."
Homer: Finally.
PBS: But first...
Homer: [disappointed groan] Ohh!

Professor: This chip synthesizes from all the great voices, from Clark Gable, to Walter Cronkite to Rush Limbaugh. I don't agree with his politics, but his body is a natural echo chamber.

Marge: Wow! If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore!

Admiral: Lieutenant Smash!
Smash: [waking from a daydream and saluting] Huh? Oh, Admiral.
Admiral: The hippie fantasy again?
Smash: They're getting less frequent, sir.

[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]
Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done.
[cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]
Homer: I don't want to die. I'm so young.

Homer: And now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me: sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Moe: Ugh, listen Marge, um- how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.
Marge: [breaks jar of pickled eggs on bar counter and points jagged edge of jar at Moe] Maybe death will stop your yammering.

Chief: [answer machine] 9-1-1. This better be good.

Marge: Lisa, could you pass the salad?
LeBron: [taking the bowl] And it's James with the steal!
["dunking" it through and hanging onto the chandelier, his weight breaks it and he crashes back to the table]
Marge: Who wants to help me clear the table?
Ming: [in Chinese] I'm sorry, but I do not understand English.
Lisa: Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English.
Ming: [quietly, switching languages] Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.

Dolphins: [after Lisa frees Snorky from the water park]
[subtitled]
Dolphins: Your Majesty! You're free at last!
Snorky: [subtitled] They made me do tricks, like a common seal!
Dolphins: [subtitled] Can you put it behind you?
Snorky: [subtitled] No! Here's my secret plan.
[he whispers an inaudible plan to the other dophins, as a crab overhears, realizes what is happening, and scuttles away in fear]

Taffy: I love your poem. It was romantic, and it rhymed.
Milhouse: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "this one, I guess."

Female: There's a latke bar downstairs.
Chief: Latke? What the hell's a latke?
Female: They're pan-fried...
Chief: Case dismissed!

[Homer is relaxing watching s 'Tuesday Morning Movie']
[TV character Jimmy rides off on his motorcycle]
Mother: Ooh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger, and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt...

Bart: You shouldn't be punished for something I did. You should just go unpunished forever.
Edna: Half-assed apology accepted.

Lisa: You're group writing a fantasy novel? But the only reason to do that is for...
[gasp]
Lisa: Profit!
Homer: So what if people write for money? I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing many meals.
Lisa: I'll show you! I'll write my own novel all by myself.
Homer: You're gonna be all the guys? How does that work out?

Homer: [singing to the music from The Nutcracker] I need a present for my wife / Or I'll have no sex for life / Diamond ring, a vase by Ming / Some kind of useful kitchen thing / I need a store I can break into / Or a place run by a Hindu
Apu: The Christmas rush has cleaned me out / I just have jerky made of trout

Lisa: Sorry, I'm too sad. I can barely play the soulless sounds of Kenny G.
Bart: No one likes Kenny G. That's why they killed Kenny A through F.

Principal: [At a meeting, discussing ways to save the school] Now, people, these are all good ideas...
Marge: No, they're not! They're terrible, terrible ideas!

Bar: And by the way, that tapestry was me.
Sponge: Yeah, right. And I'm the Guttenberg Bible.

Homer: See ya, kids! Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna go paint the town red... WITH SAVINGS! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson, then I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic!
Lisa: Um... dad...
Homer: [singing while leaving] Do you like piña colonics, and getting caught in the rain? Passing out in the ocean...

Apu: [Apu is wearing a rig of feeding bottles that make him look like a milk-cow] Welcome to my Hell.

[after weighing Homer]
Betsy: You've *gained* seven pounds.
Homer: Well, they say muscle weighs more than fat.
Betsy: Homer, your body is all fat.

Bart: Well, looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew a pair of chocolate chips.
Principal: Save your analogies for the analogy part of the test.

Manacek: A blue-collar Joe suddenly likes modern art? That story and two bits will get you a cup of coffee.
Lisa: What year do you think it is?
Manacek: Hey, who's the shamus here?

Werewolf: Diddly!

Lisa: Wow dad, you're surfing like a pro.
Homer: Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...
Lisa: Dad, that's Fox!
Homer: Augh! Undo! Undo!

Bart: Look at me! I'm Tomokazu Ohka of the Montreal Expos!
Milhouse: Well, I'm Esteban Yan of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!

Ray: [getting a box of shingles from the top shelf] Hey, look, Homer. I'm coming down with a case of shingles.
[Homer laughs]
Homer: What's in the box?

Bart: This is going to be the biggest dead thing we've ever poked with a stick.
Milhouse: If only that flattened squirrel could see us now.

Lisa: Now, can we do something that is Japanese?
Marge: Oh, I know that you wanna visit Japan, honey but we're down to our million yen
[pulls a yen bill out of her hair]
Homer: Here
[Takes the yen bill and makes an origami craine]
Homer: It's a craine they say it brings luck.
Marge: Careful Homer, we need that money to get home.
[Then the wind picks up and blows the bill away]
Homer: [In Japanese] D'oh!

Louie: Hey, They's throwin' robots!
Linguo: They *are* throwing robots.
Legs: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face!
Linguo: Shut up *your* face.
Legs: Whatsa' matta you?
Louie: You ain't so big.
Legs: Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza!
Linguo: Mmmm... Bad... Bad grammar overload! Error! Error!
[Linguo explodes]

Homer: I share your xylophobia!
Lisa: No, Dad, you mean "xenophobia". Xylophobia would be the fear of xylophones.
Homer: I *am* afraid of xylophones. It's the music you hear when skeletons are dancing!

Groundskeeper: Hoisting a bag. Aye, there's no better feeling on Earth.

Grampa: Who has disturbed my tomb?
Lisa: Grampa, you're not dead.
Grampa: Then wake me up when I am.

LeBron: Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life!
Lisa: Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract?
LeBron: That was a good day, too.

Bart: Dad, are you sure you can put in these new rain gutters all by yourself?
Homer: Yeah, maybe you're right. I do have a bad history of going up on roofs and waking up in hospitals.

Homer: [Krusty is helping the Simpsons hide from Sideshow Bob as extras in the opere] Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?
old: Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.
Homer: But I do such a great impression of him!
[he turns around, then turns back to Lisa with his hand covering one of his eyes]
Homer: Ooh, I am the gayest supervillian ever! Beware my scented candles! Ooh, scented!

Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Dr. Hibbert: What the Halle Berry?

Homer: Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Marge: Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?
Homer: What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?
Marge: Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.

Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.

Marge: This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
Homer: I'm... horny.
Marge: I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.
Homer: [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them] Mm-mm.
[the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment]
Dr. Hibbert: [dancing with his wife] Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.
[Marge gasps]
Dr. Hibbert: [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy] And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
Reverend: Super.

[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]
Nelson: I got prawn!
Milhouse: I got miso!
Lisa: I got dolphin.

Psychologist: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Marge: Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.
Psychologist: I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?
Marge: Oh, yes, he's kind of everywhere.
Psychologist: Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly...
Marge: I'm not insane!
Psychologist: You didn't let me finish. - insane!
Marge: [jumps out the window in panic then gets up like nothing happened] I'm not insane.

Grampa: Am I dead yet?
Marge: No.
Grampa: How about now?
Marge: No.
Grampa: Now?
Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
Grampa: Thank you.

Kim: Let's get him!
Alec: And this time, it's personal.
[Kim and Ron Howard stare at him]
Alec: What? It is personal! He's got our underpants!

Nelson: [Sprays Gatorade on Mrs. Krabappel after a dogeball game]
Edna: Hey! I'm not the coach!
Nelson: I know... I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.
Edna: [Put a hand to her chest and smile at Nelson]

Moe: You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal.
Homer: Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club.
Michael: You lied to us.
[Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer]
Peter: Michael, no.
Mike: It's not the R.E.M. way.
Michael: You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

Marge: Lisa, you're not buying more than your weight in books.
Lisa: But I have to save them. The books that no one wants will be chopped up and fed to pigs.

Bart: I know he doesn't look like him, but I'll never forget that voice.
Marge: A lot of people sound like Sideshow Bob. Like Frasier on Cheers.
Homer: Or Frasier on Frasier.
Marge: Or Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge in Down Periscope.

Lisa: I'll just give the signal.
[Calls: ]
Lisa: "Milk is murder!"
Voice: "Cheese is genocide!"

Rod: What are you doing, daddy?
Ned: Imploring some people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish an innocent man for doing something that nobody saw. That's what I'm doing!
Rod: Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
Ned: First things first!

Homer: Kids blow up so fast...

Kent: A philantropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns' grave.

Lisa: [narrating] Our Lord, Buddha, says: "The secret of existence is to pass beyond fear." My brother is about to meet fear... and as usual... he won't pass.

Marge: Ultimate punching? Ultimate makes everything worse!
Otto: Not frisbee.
Marge: Otto, don't you have a sack to hackey?
Otto: Indeed I do! One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up.

Moe: [as he's carried away by munchers] Little tip, you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Edna: Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.
Nelson: I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.
Edna: The British side was under the command of General Howe.
Nelson: I give Bart's mom a general wow!
Bart: Stop that, she's my mom!
Nelson: Keep-away with Bart's mom!
[Throws calendar to Milhouse]
Milhouse: Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.
Bart: [Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy.
[Milhouse lowers one eyebrow]
Bart: Now the other one.
[Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]
Milhouse: Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.
Nelson: I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom.
[Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

Homer: I had finally achieved every rock star's dream: hating being famous.

Homer: Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!

Chief: Do you ever stop breathing in your sleep?
Homer: Sometimes. They say it's because I'm overweight.
Chief: What, you? No way! Now me, I'm overweight. My underwear has to be made specially at a factory in the Ukraine. They call me Daddy Round-Round. They send me a postcard every year.
[Shows postcard of villagers standing inside underwear]
Homer: That is some big underwear.
Chief: I paid for their water distilation plant.

Lisa: [at Mr. Burns' elaborate dinner table] Mom, Bart's making faces at me!
[using a pair of opera glasses to get a better look]
Lisa: I think.

Selma: Always a bridesmaid. Only occasionally a bride.
Patty: Lisa, it's time you learned the truth about men.
Lisa: They're pigs?
Patty: The bitterness is strong in this one.

Jesse: [Krusty and the police are firing beanbags at him and his fellow protesters] You can't silence the truth with beanbags!
[Is immediately knocked off the building]

Lisa: I'm making a movie about a very special family.
Bart: Smithers and Burns?

Miss: There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.
Ralph: I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.

Homer: [his letter to Eduardo] Buenos días, Eduardo. Can you write back and tell me what that means?

Skinner: Where do you think you're going?
Bart: Go back to your knitting, Seymour.
Skinner: I will, but not because you told me to.

Darcy: You really are ten, I just thought you were really stupid.
Bart: I'm ten AND stupid!

[last lines]
Marge: This is nice. A family fun day.
Homer: [to kids] Here's fifty bucks.
[hands kids $50 bill]
Homer: For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist.
[laughs]
Homer: [kids run off]
Homer: Family fun day.
[kisses Marge]

Pete: We were expecting a bigger crowd, Homer.
Homer: Oh, don't worry, they'll be here soon, and then they'll see who's got the better town.
[giving Roger a setlist]
Homer: Now, these are the tunes I want you boys to play.
Roger: [giving it a once-over] Wait a minute. Homer, a lot of these are Grand Funk Railroad songs.
John: And we don't know "Pac-Man Fever".
Homer: Oh, come on, it plays itself.
[taking Pete's guitar, strumming and singing off-key]
Homer: A Pac-Man fever/A-doodle-ee-do/It's a-drivin' me a craa-aa-aazy!
[waving to Lisa]
Homer: Look, Lisa, Daddy's in the Who.

Homer: *Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.

Nelson: Haw-haw! I touched your heart!

Lisa: We're jamming, Mom. She's painting my music, and I'm playing to her painting. Isn't it wonderful to have a hip female influence in the house?
Marge: Yes. Well, I guess I'll go roll the socks. It's not hip, but it has to be done.
Becky: Actually, you could just tie them at the ends. That way, the elastic doesn't wear out.
Marge: Yes, I hate when things get worn out. Mmm. Socks, welcomes...

Lisa: Better technology doesn't mean better storytelling.
Randall: Well, now I *know* you're crazy.

Marge: Look, life's tough. It's hard to make it through. The only way I know is when you make a decision that comes from your heart, you stick with it.

[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

Barker: Step right up and see Dunkin, the incredible diving horse!
Marge: I wish people would stop telling me to step right up.

Homer: [seeing a gay pride parade float called "Fab Abs"] Aw, look at those abs. Everyone here has a six-pack, and I'm the only one with a keg.
[he lifts up his shirt]
Horrified: Oh, God, cover up!

Ned: [Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.
Homer: Give me that!
[Throws Ned's notepad out the window]
Homer: That's your problem. You're living up here.
[Points at head]
Homer: You should be living down here...
[Lowers finger an inch]
Homer: ... in the impulse zone.

Marge: Bart, what are you going to do for Black History Month?
Homer: I know, you could march to Selma, and tell her she's ugly.

Mona: To Lisa, I give something not even the government can take from you: my rebellious spirit.
Lisa: Oh, grandma. I accept your gift.
Bart: Lisa got nothing! Lisa got nothing!

Homer: Finally a movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snowpiercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ender's Game, The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District 9, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The Island, Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.

Homer: Ah no. No freezing.
Owner: No Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.
Homer: Can you pee in it?
Lisa: I'll take two hours!
Homer: Me too.

Dr. Hibbert: [inspecting Bart's mosquito bite] Hmm... now, you're sure you haven't been to China? There's no shame in it.
Bart: No. I told you. A mosquito came out of my Laffy Meal and bit me.
Marge: What's wrong with him, Doctor? It can't be mange. I just had him dipped.
Dr. Hibbert: Your son is exhibiting classic symptoms of Panda Virus. Here, take a look.
[as he gives her a magnifying glass, he shows her that Bart's bite looks like a miniature panda]
Marge: I knew it was serious when he said he didn't want ice cream.
Bart: I did want ice cream.
Marge: Well, your father ate it all.
Dr. Hibbert: Now, don't worry. These pills will take care of everything. But for a week, Bart will be highly infectious to others.
Bart: Contagious? Outrageous! I got me some teachers to lick.
Dr. Hibbert: [chuckling] Well, I don't know about that, but don't worry. While you're infectious, you will lead a normal life full of normal social interaction.
Bart: I don't like how many times you said "normal".
Dr. Hibbert: You'll be living in this bubble. It's clear plastic so the world can see how normal you are.

Bart: My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.
Ned: None taken.

Krusty the Clown: I'm a clown, I can't afford to look ridiculous.

Financial: You haven't set aside anything for retirement.
Chief: Oh, you know how it is with cops. I'll get shot 3 days before retirement. In the business we call it "retirony".
Financial: ...What if you don't get shot?
Chief: What a terrible thing to say - now look, you've made my wife cry!

Mr. Burns: [Reads note from pigeon] "Do a little dance while wearing no clothes." Bad grammar. Good advice.

Lisa: Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, comically mismatched roommate- Bart.
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Lisa: Ohh...
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]

Jerry: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.

Lisa: Let me explain, I have a chance for a grim and tolerable life but only if I give up hope. Now if you don't mind, and with all due worship, I would like to be alone
Bart: Lady Gaga, meet your biggest threat, Baby GooGoo.
[Maggie walks in, wearing a Gaga style dress and high heels]
Lisa: Can I please be alone?
[Gaga and Bart leave, Maggie waits by the door to place a pacifier on Lisa's bed before following. Lisa spots the pacifier]
Lisa: Well, it worked once...
[Lisa starts sucking on the pacifier to try and calm herself down]

Bart: I'm sick of hearing about Lisa. Just because she's doing a little better than me...
Marge: She's president of the United States!
Bart: President-*elect*. I could have been president but I'm too real. People can't deal with what I'm laying down!

Bart: Hey, 50 can I roll with you?
50: Nah, lil' man. But hey, stay in school and keep rapping. You'll blow up one day.
50: [to parole officer] Hey, does that count as community service?
[she shakes her head no]
50: Oh well, let's go to the park and pick up some poop.

Lisa: This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but dad, can't you control your woman?
Homer: How could I? I have nothing to withhold.

Hank: Bobby, I got propane in my urethra.

Declan: Are you and Marge planning on having children?
Homer: No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down.
[Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa]
Homer: I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.

Homer: Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this?
Marge: Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.
Homer: What the...? First I work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit? Why was I ever born?

Marge: Selma, I just can't get over the new you.
Selma: The world's a different place when you've got a waist. The clerk in the electronics store asked me if I needed help.
Patty: [impressed] Ooh.

Montgomery: Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.

[Homer picks up the stink bomb and notices the amount of time before it blows]
Homer: Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six.

Lenny: At last, the Pacific Ocean!
Lisa: That's a mud puddle.
Lenny: Some of us find solutions instead of looking for problems.

Manacek: Your family's story of how you fell in love with that painting did prove your innocence.
Homer: How?
Manacek: By providing one crucial fact: you're too dumb to steal anything.

Homer: But I can't ask Mom, she's on the run from the law!
Grampa: Serves her right for being a sixties radical! Though she was a demon in the sack!
[giggles]

Mr. Burns: Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.

Marv: That's it! Our next summer movie will be EveryMan!
Writer: Uh Marv. Ginormous Pictures bought the rights to EveryMan three weeks ago.
Marv: Damn it!

Bart: Cool, the NFL's oldest surviving player!
Old: I'm fifty-three years young.
Homer: [shudders]

Bart: But I thought you hated church.
Homer: For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.
Bart: The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.
Homer: Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.

[at Selma and Tony's wedding]
Homer: Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?
Marge: No!
Homer: [disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.
[cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]

Homer: [about to kill Death] This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Lisa: I can't go out with him. He's just Ralph with a dream.

Lisa: [Thinking] Let's move on to question two. "Question two: using what you've learned from question one..."
Lisa: [Out loud] Aaargh!

Homer: [singing] Nobody's gonna take my Ned, gonna teach him to have fun. Oh, he's a Flanders machine...

Mr. Burns: Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.
Homer: All your money and all your stuff.
Mr. Burns: Lower and likelier.
Homer: Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?
Mr. Burns: No-head day!

Marge: What are you reading, Homie?
Homer: [reading newspaper] The Bridge column. Heh heh heh heh heh. Oh, that South. You never know what he'll do next!

Homer: Wow. This place is completely alien, but everything's in English. Just like Canada.

Townspeople: crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders
Ned: I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.
Moe: What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.
Homer: I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.
Ned: The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.
Homer: Mmm! Soggy bre...
Ned: Homer, this is not the time for that now.
Homer: ...ead!

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.

Bart: ...So that's how Jenda dumped me.
Homer: Son, some times people just grow apart, like me and your mom.
Bart: No, mom dumped you because you blew all our money on this underwater house!
Homer: She'll realize she was a fool when... HEY! Come back with my patio furniture!... Stupid flounders!

Ned: A rude Frenchman? Well, I never!

Lisa: Oh great, I'm a freaking shinigami.

Skinner: Martin Prince was known by many names. Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartsin Prince, Martin the Brown-Nose Reindeer...
Kearney: That one's mine.

Nelson: I can't sing without dancing.
J.C. Chasez,26636: Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.
Nelson: Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.
Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
Ralph: I want to twirl.

Edna: [to Bart, after he revealed the situation] No matter what you've done, I always thought there was a spark of decency in you, Bart Simpson, but I was wrong. I never thought I'd say this to a child, but you are bad on the inside.

Homer: [rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?

Marge: Boring, that's what this straight "A" Girl Scout's become.

Rev. Lovejoy: We'll send you someplace safe 'til the heat dies down.
Homer: Great, but why am I on a plane?
Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific?
Homer: South Pacific? I didn't agree to...
[Lovejoy shuts the hatch, and the plane takes off]
Homer: [running to the cockpit] Wa-wait! I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.

Homer: Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?
Marge: I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Homer: Don't worry, son. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.

Lisa: We'll never get a good picure.
Bart: Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head?
Lisa: That picture's a cliche.
Bart: Picture?

Burns: Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Bart: Your stories have endings now?
Grampa: Yup, ever since they started putting something in the jello at the home.

Sideshow: Come on, Wikipedia, you unwieldy behemoth!

Homer: I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Principal: Due to education cutbacks, the following presidents will not be taught: Buchanan, Pierce, Carter, Bush, Bush...

Bart: [about Hamlet] I can't believe a play where every character is murdered could be so boring!

Marge: [Homer comes home with a new suit] Where did you get that suit?
Homer: Woah, woah, one question at a time.
[Points to Marge]
Homer: Yes, you?
Marge: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
Homer: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis!
[Homer walks away]
Homer: We have a kitchen?

Hans: [Lisa catches him and Lunchlady Doris at Holding Hands Point] We're just trying to rekindle our relationship.
Lunchlady: In the sack, he's Salsbury steak. Everywhere else, creamed corn.

Homer: I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.
Ned: That was Led Zeppelin.
Homer: Go back to your bong, hippie!

Mayor: All of those in favor of the cameras say "cheese".
All: Cheese!
Mayor: All opposed, say "I hate America".
Lisa: I... wait... Oh, what's the use?

Moe: I haven't been this confident since I saw "La La Land" win Best Picture and turned off my TV.

Judge: I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.
Homer: Tethered!
Judge: Tethered. Report to room five.
Homer: Room five!

Bart: Hey, Homer.
Homer: Who are you?
Bart: I'm your unwanted son from the future who kills all your fun.
Homer: Why you little!...
[Chokes Bart]

Nurse: Come on Bart. We don't want to over-stimulate these people, they just had pudding.

Homer: Vietnam veteran.
Ticket: Do you have a military ID?
Homer: ID? Man, Charlie didn't ask for ID when I fought at La Choy and Chun King! I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho!
Marge: Homer, give him the 50 cents.
Homer: Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No, man. They spat at me...
Ticket: Just go.
Homer: Thank you. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.

Homer: The king of fantasy novels in our fantasy novel writing team?
Bart: Okay, Gaiman, you're in. Your job is to get us lunch, and lose the British accent.
Neil: Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal!

Homer: Monster! You don't exist!
[Homer hits ray with a chair]
Ray: Hey! Nobody calls me a monster and questions my existence!
[Ray punches Homer]

Homer: Eat my dust, dust!

Bart: [after Bart changes channels at the very end of "Love Story"] Lisa made me! With a witch's spell.
Lisa: It's called Wicca and it's empowering!
Bart: Wicca's a Hollywood fad!
Lisa: That's Kabbalah, jerk!

Sideshow: Homer, think carefully. Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill?
Homer: Hmm. Well, there's Mr. Burns... Fat Tony, the Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush.
Marge: The late Frank Grimes.
Homer: PBS, Stephen Hawking... the fat little Dixie Chick.
Marge: And the state of Florida.

Lenny: Homer, how can you afford this Mardi Gras party every year?
Homer: Well, it's a little thing called a home equity loan. I spend all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. He he he he! Sucker.

Homer: Well Marge, if I die in here there's one thing I want you to remember. Don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work with our VCR!

Homer: Wow, the Who!
[laughing gleefully, he smashes a lamp]
Homer: Whoo! Rock and roll!
John: [Bart starts kicking the drum kit's bass drum] What the hell are you doing?
Bart: Duh. Trashing the hotel room.
Pete: But we promised the desk clerk we'd be good.
Roger: Yeah, we don't want to lose our pool privileges.
Homer: Whatever. The point is, I'm Homer Simpson.
John: The mayor of New Springfield?
Homer: That's right.
Roger: The crazy mayor of New Springfield?
Homer: That's right.

Homer: [to Lisa] Here's a secret, honey. All jobs suck. That's why you get paid to do them.

Homer: Oh, Elaine. Will you ever find someone who's spongeworthy?

Barney: I'm just saying that when we die, there'll be a planet for the French, a planet for the Germans, and we'll all be a lot happier!
Lisa: Mr Gumble, you're upsetting me!
Barney: No I'm not!

Lisa: [Bart opens his eyes] Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.
Bart: Lisa, I want to pass that test. But I need your help.
[From Lisa's perspective]
Bart: I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only
[Lisa starts closing her eyes at Bart like he did before ignoring her, doing it back at him]
Bart: know 24 letters. Don't you fall asleep on me.
[Lisa's eyes are finally closed]

Homer: Marge, the bathroom scale is lying again!

Lisa: Did your daddy teach you to fiddle?
Hettie: No. He was gonna start me out on the cigar box banjo, but, uh, before he could, he, he lost his sight.
Lisa: Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Hettie: Yeah, he got shot in the face.
[Lisa gasps]
Hettie: You know them puzzles where you slide the tiles? He looks a little like that now. My mother was an amazing banjo player.
Lisa: Mmm.
Hettie: Unfortunately, she did also go blind.
Lisa: Really?
Hettie: Yeah, it was winter and she was runnin' a fever and, um, then she got shot in the face.

Comic: The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi and Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories about that, which I will share with you never.

Jimbo: Your bully is a teacher?
Kearney: That means all of us could be teachers!
Dolph: Booyeah! I'm going to get a Hyundai Elantra!

Homer: Oh man, we killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is going to be so mad!

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby, with a TV and a wire hanger attached to him]
Homer: Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.

Homer: [at a school assembly] I am here to give hope to the least of you, because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
Nelson: Question.
Homer: Yes, Nelson.
Nelson: [quietly] A moron says what?
Homer: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However...
[he mumbles unintelligbly]
Nelson: What?
Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.

Homer: Billy Baldwin!
Alec: I'm Alec Baldwin!

Ned: Homer, stop eating the miracle!
Homer: Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.

Reverend: This concludes our service. Go now in the peace of the Lord.
Homer: So long, suckers!
[ushering the family out]
Homer: Move it, move it, move it! Do you want to be second out of the parking lot? DO YOU?
[Lisa trips]
Homer: Leave her!
Marge: We left her last week, and she didn't make it home for dinner!
Homer: [getting in the car and peeling out] You'll never catch me, Lord!

Homer: Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh, man, that would be sweet.

Eduardo: Go as far as your heart will take you.

Superintendent: Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!
Seymour: Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
Superintendent: They're blank, Seymour.
Seymour: Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.
Superintendent: [Chuckle] Yes, there are.

Lisa: How'd you know the plan would work, Mom?
Marge: Thanks for asking. Well, I was watching "Dateline", and Stone Phillips said SUVs always roll over when you turn sharply, and the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
Zookeeper: And she also knew if a rhino sees a flame, he'll instinctively try to put it out.
Marge: Stone Phillips again!
Homer: Is there anything that guy doesn't know?
Zookeeper: Why this Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke! What television network is he on?
Bart: Why, NBC, of course!
Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat!
Chief: Do ya think there's anything great on NBC right now?
Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.
Marge: But there's only one way to find out!
[the episode ends]

Mr. Burns: I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside. Oh, there's another coin. That should do it.

Bart: So, the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs. Doody, and everyone's looking at me like, "Take it, Bart. Run with it." Then it hits me; I've become a clown... a class clown. And it sickens me.
Homer: [thinking] Wow, Bart has feelings.
[laughing]
Homer: Mrs. Doody.

Marge: You slept in the plane, you slept during customs, you slept on the way here. Copenhagen is calling.
Homer: Take a message.

Max: [singing, loosely, to the tune of Shirly Bassey's "Goldfinger"] Max Power. He's the man with name you want to touch, but you mustn't touch! He's name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it, you mustn't fear, 'cause his name can be said by anyone.

Nelson: Haw-haw! You're a spaz!
Lisa: That's not true. First of all, Milhouse only fell because you tripped him. Secondly, spaz is short for spastic diplegia, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. And thirdly, your Haw-haw, by overuse, has lost its power.
Nelson: Wow. I bow before your logic.

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, Girl-Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!

Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

Marge: Dear Lord, we thank you for the sexual intimacy we are about to enjoy.
Homer: And, as always, have fun watching.
Homer: Go, lovemaking!

Kim: Wow, Homer. You got everything. Even the Oscar polish!
Alec: Honey, don't you think you've polished that enough? You're taking the finish off.
Kim: When you win one, you can take care of it how you want.

Lisa: My boyfriend will be here. Remember not to be yourselves.
Homer: I know, I know. Don't serve anything with garlic, don't try to stab him in the heart with a stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein, it's racist somehow.

Marge: I hear the language on these roasts gets a little... B-L-U-E.
Homer: Huh?
[Marge points at hair]
Homer: Oh!

Lisa: You don't need to help me by humiliating people.
Homer: Oh ho-ho... you love sausage but you hate to see it getting made.
Lisa: I don't love sausage!

Lisa: Hey Karen!
Karen: Hey Lisa!

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

Mr. Burns: [seeing Lily for the first time] I feel a tingle that I haven't felt since they took the cocaine out of Coca-Cola.

[Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotise Bart]
Sideshow: You are in my power.
Bart: I am at your command.
Sideshow: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow: Excellent! Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Lisa: Look, there's Dad!
Bart: Whoo-hoo! Yay, Homer!
Marge: I'm his groupie.
[with a giggle]
Marge: Am I saying that right? Groupie?
Homer: [seeing his friends and family cheering for him and tapping the microphone] Test. Test.
Marge: Why is he performing the duties of a roadie? Am I saying that right? Roadie?

Chief: Well boys, now it's our turn.
Lou: [hands over his gun] This thing always made me feel like a man, y'know. Now all I got is my enormous genitals.

Homer: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book...
[looks at it and laughs a bit]
Homer: I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.

Homer: Well, I'll always have my prank calls.
[dials his cell phone]
Homer: Hello? Old lady from "Titanic"? You stink!
[laughs]

[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty the Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

Marge: How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?
Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

Bart: Who are you?
Smash: Oh, you'll find out in due time.
Bart: [seeing the placard on the rear-view mirror] Well, it says here your name is L.T. Smash.
Smash: The time has come. I'm L.T. Smash.

Principal: Willie. Go get those kids and bring them back!
Groundskeeper: I'll bring 'em back dead or alive!
Principal: NOT dead.
Groundskeeper: Aww, ya never let Willie be Willie!

Dr: All the easy research and engineering has been done. Now there's just the much harder business of coming up with the name.
Homer: The Remembererererer?
Dr: Well, it's not important.

Bart: Hey, writers! The Da Vinci Code just sold another hundred copies!
[writers moan; Bart laughs]

Ned: Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.
Homer: Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?
Ned: Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...
Maude: I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.
Brandine: Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?
Cletus: Now, honey, they's my parents, too.

Homer: Ah, I got my memory back and my life is ruined!
Dr: Well, if you can't take the Neural Activity, stay out of the Neural Activator! Mm-Bwa-hey!

Captain: Everyone thinks they can learn our language on the Plane! Do you know how disrespectful that is?

Nelson: [confused at the Whack-A-Mole game] What do you hit them with? There's no mallet!
Ned: You can stop Satan with your faith.
Nelson: With my face? You calling me ugly?
Ned: No, no, no, I think you're beautiful!
Nelson: Oh, that's it!
[goes after Ned]
Ned: Aaaaah!

Fat: When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some ten year old punk making a prank call.

Elizabeth: Elizabeth Hoover: That's enough. Ralph, you're up
Bart: Ralph Wiggum: My hero is my thumb. It has its own room in my mittens. Thank you.

[first lines]
Homer: Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."

Mexican: Que Malo. Once again, I must sugar my own churro.

Marge: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters.
Max: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Homer: [answering front door] Hello, Flanders. Don't you have a neighbor on the other side?
Ned: Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you. It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread!
Homer: [groans]

Homer: I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti.

Milhouse: Trust me, Bart. It's better you walk in on both parents than to walk in on just one.

Professor: This comically large capsule has lifetime supplies of niacin, thiamin and riboflavin-glavin!

Homer: Hey, Milhouse. Who're you spying on? Those bullies?

Bart: Wait, do you even have a family?
Gina: No, they're imaginary - like your brain!

Lisa: I'm sure you were once an inquisitive little girl like me.
Elaine: Not like you -- I knew when to keep quiet.

Homer: [riding Ned Flanders as a cow-centaur, singing] In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

[Martin is hanging by his underwear; Bart knocks him down with his slingshot]
Martin: Good shot.
Bart: Not really. I was trying to bounce it off your left teste.
Martin: Testes, my good friend.

Homer: I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.

Moe: Well the only way I can recoup from this is...
[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.

Homer: [he finally gets the old painting back, but Marge already got a new one] I did it.
Marge: Oh, fuck you.

Homer: Ah-ah-ah! Now, here's your biggest problem of all!
Mel: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite!
Homer: And it was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

Marge: Shut up, Becky!

Velma: Hey! You're stealing my trailer! I like that.

Grampa: Now that's what I call a fishing trip.
Homer: That's what I was going to say.

Homer: It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this bible in my crotch.

Professor: Oi! Gloivick! The Oculus Frink or Froculus provides you with a complete virtual reality experience.
[groans]
Professor: Letting you live in a world of your dreams. Goi!
[mutters]
Professor: To adjust the focus, turn the dial on the side. Oi.

Homer: Bring on the Rapping Granny!
[the crowd stares at him]
Homer: What? She's hilarious.

Marge: [to the Sheriff as the family is being arrested for killing the alligator] You seemed so understanding before. What happened to "boys will be boys"?
Officer: You see, during Spring Break, the beer companies pay me to look the other way. The rest of the year, I'm a real hard-ass.

Homer: Something happened in this room. If only these walls could talk. Then people would pay to see my talking walls, and I could use that money to... Oh, another memory!

Homer: There are so many parking spots when you come in early.
[At the cafeteria]
Homer: There are so many donuts when you come early.
[serves himself coffee]
Homer: Hot coffee? Is there such a thing?

[Homer saves Bart and Lisa from a forest fire while drunk]
Bart: You did it, Dad!
Homer: You can't prove I did it!
Lisa: No, you saved our lives.
Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.
Lisa: What?

Warden: Lady I know he charmed with some pleases and thank yous, but he wasn't so polite to the guy he shot.
Apu: Actually, he was. He waited with me 'til the ambulance came then... ran like a deer.

Herstory: Milhouse has made his choice, and if there's any justice, he's doomed. Now let's see what Maggie is up to.
[Cut to Maggie rocking her crib back and forth; image freezes as she falls over]
Herstory: Moving on.

Ned: Son of a diddily!

[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
Homer: They're milking rats! Milking rats!
Mayor: [to Fat Tony] Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

Lenny: I never got along with my old man. He was always disappointed I didn't follow him in the family business.
Moe: What did he do?
Lenny: He was editor of Life magazine.
Moe: I thought that was defunct.
Lenny: Yeah, he keeps saying a real son would have bought it out of bankruptcy and launched it as a digital platform. Well angel funders want too much equity! Sorry, dad!

Dr. Hibbert: [removing Homer's jaw wires] Whew! Homer, your breath smells terrible. I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
Homer: [he does so] Nicely done.

Homer: Eight kids?... Hmmm.
[pause]
Homer: I'm sterile, right baby doll?
Marge: Yes dear, from the nuclear plant.
Homer: Beautiful.

Marge: [walking through a prison] I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
Lisa: It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Homer: Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.
Marge: Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".
The: Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!
Homer: I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".
Marge: Enough!

Tom: Moe, which writer has influenced you? Jack Kerouac? Chuck Bukowski? Me, Tom Wolfe?
Moe: Well, the last book I read was Superhound: the Guide to Dograce Betting. Any of you wetnaps wrote that?

Homer: I've never been so embarrassed. And the worst part is, this is brunch so you've ruined two meals! I'll see you all at lupper!

Marge: I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!
Homer: Listen very carefully: don't do anything they say; remain panicky; and above all, try to be a hero.

Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.

Homer: Dad, if it were up to me you wouldn't die at all. But try telling that to Killy McGee up there...

Mr. Burns: I want to die gently in my own terms, crushing as many of those baby turtles as possible. Goodbye, insuficiently cruel world!

Kid: We'll give that punk a Joe C-section.
Joe C.: Let's do this thing.
Officer: All right now, boys. That's enough. Kid Rock, that's not like you.
[Kid Rock frowns]
Officer: And Joe C., would your mama want you stretching out that sweatshirt like that?
Joe C.: No, sir. Please don't tell Mama.
Homer: They called you a pig, Sheriff.
Officer: Well, I don't care what they call me as long as they play "Fist of Rage." That's a good song.
[chuckles]

Homer: Give me a beer, Moe.
Moe: I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.
Homer: Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.

Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.

George: Simpson, you're a menace!
Martha: Leave him alone George.
George: Martha, I want a divorce.
Martha: Oh thank you, you've made me so happy.

Carl: Wow, everyone from the nuclear plant is here. Except the bosses, of course.
Lenny: Yeah. Not even Homer would be stupid enough to invite...
Mr. Burns: So this is the famous party?

Carrie: Hey, you doing anything tomorrow night? Robert Pinsky's reading at Cafe Kafka.
Lisa: Robert Pinsky? The former Poet Laureate?
Tina: It's gonna be great. The three of us could share a scone.
Lisa: Non-dairy?
Carrie,25836: Duh.

Bart: Someone's cleaned our field!
Nelson: Its awful it looks like Wisconsin

Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal. And did you hear about Krusty?
[laughing]
Homer: Whoo, man. I mean, I knew he was a player, but, jeez, a kid?
Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.
Homer: Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So, how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Ooh, yeah, really? All those guys?
[seeing the family staring in mortification]
Homer: Amen.

Alec: Okay, you're on. But look, nobody knows we're in Springfield, and we wanna keep it that way.
Kim: Will you promise to keep out secret?
Homer: Absolutely. If you promise to keep mine.
Alec: Okay. What is it?
Homer: [shamefully] I can't read.
Kim: But you just read that card from the Gersh Agency.
Homer: I recognized the logo.

Homer: [to Ned] You hang on to resentment like a Confederate widow...

Homer: A library selling books? If I don't want 'em for free, why would I want to pay for them?
Marge: Why do you always wait until we arrive to complain?
Homer: I don't know.

Homer: Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.
[Thought bubble shows Homer with trophy; Danica Patrick appears]
Danica: Congratulations, Homer.
Homer: Danica Patrick in my thoughts?
Danica: That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.
Marge: You brickyard bimbo!
[They fight; the thought bubble fades]
Homer: I ended that a little too soon.
[Thought bubble reappears with Danica and Marge beating up Homer]
Homer: What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.

Joy: Homelah, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.
Barbara: Do you promise not to revive your "weckless, weckless" ways?
Homer: I don't know. The demolition derby is next month.
Marge: Please, Homie. No more craziness, for me?
Homer: Well, okay. For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.
Barbara: Very good. Our next topic, "My son still wets the bed."
Milhouse: [entering with his mother] You told me we were going to Red Lobster!

Edna: So I get paid to do nothing all day?
Principal: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Superintendent: Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?
Homer: [whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Homer: Stop the madness! Start the movie!
Lisa: Maybe we should try to calm dad down.
Bart: I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?
Homer: [hysterical scream] YAAAHHHHHH!

Homer: This is my favorite part of the parade; laughing at all the losers at the Kwik-E-Mart who forgot to buy parade supplies. Which reminds me, I need to buy parade supplies.

Bart: Alan Moore! You wrote my favorite Radioactive Man comics.
Alan: Oh, really? You liked how I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?
Bart: I don't read the words, I just like it when he punches people.

Homer: Booze, why are you doing this to me? I drank every kind of you.

Elf: Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.

Art: [At art class:] Everyone paint me 20 lapses.

[the Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"]
Elevator: Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.
Elevator: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Homer: Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Luann: You're getting too overexcited, Milhouse. You'll get a nosebleed.
Milhouse: I will not!
[Blood comes out of his ear]
Milhouse: See?

Homer: Well, I can't lift anything this heavy without my weightlifting belt.
[Bends down to reach belt, but cracks his back and moans]
Marge: You know you can't lift your weightlifting belt without wearing your weightlifting belt.

Marge: Bart's so well-behaved now. Maybe you and I can have a night out.
Homer: Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My ten-year ban ended yesterday.
Marge: I was thking of something a little more... adult.
[whispers]
Homer: Oh, Marge!
Marge: And then afterwards...
[whispers some more]
Homer: Hee-hee, hee-hee! Really? With butterscotch on it?
Marge: I think you misheard me.

Principal: Congratulations, Mr. Student Body President. Your Casino Night is a huge success.
Martin: Thanks, Principal Skinner. I got the idea from an episode of "Saved By the Bell."
Principal: Mm, that was always on too late for me.

Bart: Dad, am I bad on the inside?
Homer: No, but the layers of badness reach almost to the center.
Bart: But there's still a kernel of good inside me, right?
Homer: I don't know. Kernels are kinda big.

Lisa: Aw, thanks for reading me the corrections. It makes me feel better about my own family.
Artie: Doesn't your father ever read to you?
Lisa: He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory... It consumes him.

Ralph: Clouds are God's sneezes!
Mitch: Ooh, I like this kid!

Young: How could you let me turn into you?
Homer: But, but, but, but... the poncho...
Young: [mimicking] "Buh, buh, buh, buh, the poncho!" Hit the road, square!

Lisa: Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy!
Homer: Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?

Homer: Marge, after all my divorce-worthy statements and actions-many of which you don't know about-how can you kick me out now that I'm sick?

Montgomery: Faster, rickshaw driver, faster!
Waylon: Ow! Sir, the whip isn't helping.
Montgomery: Silence! You call yourself Chinese?

Nelson: What do you think, Mom?
Mrs. Muntz: Why don't you ask your new father?
[Birthday clown honks horn]
Nelson: You haven't earned the right to call me that!

Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.

Homer: How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

Elizabeth: Elizabeth Hoover: Okay, Lisa, your future is in my hands.
Lisa: Lisa Simpson: I'm-I'm... not sorry! I'm just glad I won't have you next year as a teacher.
Elizabeth: Elizabeth Hoover: I might just move to third grade to torment you.
Lisa: Lisa Simpson: That would be a real hack move.

Homer: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.
Moe: Oh, boy! Move over liquor license.
[takes the license of the wall]
Lenny: [examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhode Island... and it's signed by you!
Moe: Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

Kent: Our top story, today Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun. A solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. We recommend using a homemade camera obscura, fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper towel tube.
Kent: [pulls out a shoebox with tape and paper towel tubes] This was supposed to be pre-made. Fine I'll do it myself.
Kent: [trying to peel the tape back] Where's the end of the freakin' tape?
Kent: [throws the shoebox and tape] Forget it, we'll do it next week!
Producer: The eclipse is today.
Kent: There's an eclipse when I SAY THERE'S AN ECLIPSE!

Bart: Dad, I want a baby brother.
Homer: Son, I love you kids, but I'm only going to the hospital one more time in my life and I ain't coming out.

Homer: [after sneaking into the elementary school] So, is this your school?
Bart: It used to be.

Lisa: Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.
Homer: Really? Who was it with?
Bart: Uh... Apu.
Homer: Oh, yeah.

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER.

Bart: You guys are sick.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
Marge: You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer: I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

[Homer is about to disable the Ultrabot CPU]
Homer: I'm gonna enjoy this!
Pierce: Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod!
[Homer removes the British charm unit]
Pierce: Ah, thanks a lot, asswipe!
[losing power]
Pierce: I coulda kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat... slime... bucket.
[voice dying]

Duff: The local mug who fills your mug with the drug you chug. Ohhh yeah, give it up for Moe Szyslak!

Patrick: Alright you unwanted miracles, give back the ladies cupcakes you don't have the teeth for.
Irish: Aye, but we can gum the frosting!
Patrick: Well if it's good gummin your after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?

Homer: Hey, Flanders. Why don't you take a tip from your precious Bible and zip it?
Ned: Where in the Bible does it say zip it?
Homer: It's the first thing the Burning Bush said to Moses.
Homeless: Thank you for teaching us Scripture.
[Hugs Homer; Homer sticks tongue at Ned]

Marge: All this commotion just for a store?
Homer: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. Mega means good, and store means thing.

Homer: O.K., a few ground rules: everything I say, I want five of. Five Krusty Burgers
Squeaky: Got it: five Krusty Burgers.
Homer: No! I thought I was clear: twenty-five Krusty Burgers!
Squeaky: A hundred and twenty-five Krusty Burgers?
Homer: No, that's not what I..! Fine.

Bart: Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.
Homer: When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.
Lisa: Why aren't you going to these little activities?
Homer: Uh, because no one can make me.

[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...? Extra cheese? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?

Milhouse: Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa: I've read your letter.
Principal: We've all read it.

Homer: Hey! Frank Grimes wasn't married! How could have a son?
Frank: He happened to like hookers, OK?

Sideshow: The deed is done! Twenty-four years of trying to kill a 10-year-old child has finally paid off!

Bar: [Being cradled by Moe while he sleeps] And so, my thousand year fall from grace is complete. But I guess it's not so bad. Here I have a certain comfort, if predictable...
[a hand grabs the rag]
Bar: Moe! Moe, wake up! I don't want to meet someone worse than you!

Homer: [leaving the Pride Awards and lugging a giant statue with him] Well, that was a great night for us all.
Marge: That's not an award. That's part of the set.
Homer: Nothing you can say will diminish this honor.

Moe: Oh, Homer was spending money like a... teenage Arab. He bought me a Rolex and cashmere jeans. I felt kinda guilty 'cause I was always tryin' to score with his wife. So, when do we start filming?
[realizes the crew has been filming the whole time]
Moe: Oh.

Milhouse: Bart, is that cootie shot ready yet?
Bart: The science fair isn't until next week.
Milhouse: But I need it now! My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.
Bart: How is it accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Bart: Dad, I don't think you're giving them what they were promised.
Homer: The trick is to not read the comment cards.

Krusty the Clown: Today we'll pick the lucky children who get to compete on the air. I was going to be your celebrity judge - but then I realised, I'd have to pay attention.

Homer: How do you like your comeuppance? 8X10, or wallet size?

Moe: I love Valentines Day. Just mix a couple of drops of Jagermeister with some pink lemonade, add some cherry chapstick, call it Cupid's Ambrosia and charge it up the wazoo.

John F. Kennedy: Get up, Liser.
Lisa: President Kennedy!
John F. Kennedy: That's right, Liser. Academics are important, but you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, uh, yes.
Lisa: Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote "Profiles in Courage."
John F. Kennedy: Yes, uh, wrote it, uh... well, uh, good luck, Liser.
Lisa: Thanks. I'll see you in heaven!
John F. Kennedy: Uh, yes, er, uh, heaven.

Homer: The marriage I have taken for granted all these years has suddenly exploded in my face. What do I do?
Herstory: Typically, men have two choices.
[Thought balloon over Homer shows a pair of boxing gloves labeled "Fight" and a pair of winged sneakers labeled "Flee"]
Homer: I like the looks of those winged shoes. I choose flee!
[Starts running, but after a couple of blocks gets exhausted and stops]
Homer: Where's an automatic sidewalk when you need one? Fleeing didn't work. I have no choice. I must do... whatever the other thing was!

Warden: [Prisoner chasing calf on a horse. The Prisoner ropes him and brings him down. He runs over an hogties him then pulls out a knife and holds it to the calf's throat] No, Dilbert, we're not slaughtering the animals!
Prisoner: [Puts away the knife] It's not like that Warden, we was just having a conversation.
[to the calf]
Prisoner: Ain't that right?
[Calf nods and moos uh-huh]

Carl: Man, I love conventions.
Lenny: Yeah, they're the perfect combination of work and binge drinking.

Homer: [Finds Helen Lovejoy at a sex shop] The minister's wife? What are you doing here?
Helen: Uh, protesting.
Reverend: [Comes out of a dressing room wearing bondage wear] Is this domineering enough for you?
Helen: Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
Reverend: Help me out here, Homer.
[Homer laughs uneasily and walks away]

Homer: They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their time. Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.

[as Homer hangs naked, from a hot air balloon]
Sideshow: Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

Homer: Marge, I'm sorry but it wasn't my fault. Liquors drunkened me!

Ned: [from The Island of Dr. Hibbert. Homer is milking Flanders who has been turned into a half-man, half-cow] That's nice. You're actually quite gentle when you want to be.
Homer: You know, you're not helping.

Lenny: I said no mayo!

[last lines]
[Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]
Jack: [in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!
Bart: What about me?
Jack: [points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!
[a bunch of units move into the gym and they all point guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]
Jack: I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.
[big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]
Jack: It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
[everyone sighs with relief]

Grampa: Back in my day, children didn't need no meds! You just gave 'em a shot of whiskey and sent 'em off to school! And if they lost their snowshoe, you beat 'em with the other one! That's how we raised the generation that lost Vietnam.

Homer: If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.

Homer: Thank God I have my pocket bacon.

Moe: Don't you dumb dames know that all figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz?
Elvis: That is such a misconception. For your information, I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Moe: Fake girlfriend, fake city.

Homer: Fat Tony?
Fat: That's right, Fat Homer.

Lisa: My own daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.
Homer: Oh, Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

Kang: Pathetic humans. They are showing a Halloween episode, in November!
Kodos: You're still thinking about Halloween? We already have our Christmas decorations out.

Bartender: Bad news, Sherrif...
Homer: [voice-over] Lisa Simpson!
Bartender: Some Indians took all the...
Homer: McNuggets! Mmm, McNuggets
[drools]
Homer: .

Homer: And "The Cosby Mysteries" - that show had limitless possibilities!
[strangling Garth Trelawney's tux]

Apu: [flipping through his vinyls on the shell] Who is your favorite Indian pop singer?
Homer: Oh, don't make me choose.

Apu: Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having that affair.
[Manjula elbows him hard in the stomach]
Apu: She used to elbow me in the face!

Canadian: Well, circle-cut my bacon! Look at all these Yankee-Doodly-Dandies! Is there another Vietnam goin' on?
Ned: Hello, neighborino to the North! I sure like the cut of your gibberish!
Canadian: Coin-dodily-diddly. Diddly-daddly. Di-di-doodly. Noodly-daddly-diddly-doodly. Shat-a-diddly-daddly-atner. Doodly-dodly-diddly-dodly.
Ned: [simultaneously] Diddly-oodly. Diddly, oodly. Oodly-oodly. Maply-aply. Diddly-oodly.
Canadian: Say, would you like to puff on a reeferino? It's legal here.
Ned: They warned me Satan would be attractive. Let's go!

Homer: Lisa, don't feel bad. Judas betrayed Jesus, but he still got paid.

Bart: There's nothing worse in this universe than a ride steering wheel that does nothing.

Homer: "Find the Hidden Objects"? You're awful pushy for a book I just met.

[Homer has changed his to Max Power]
Max: Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Max: Yes, but faster.
[Homer walks into a cactus]

duff: [walking to microphone in the middle of the stadium] so homer how do you feel?
Homer: me... meatloaf "hung-y"...

Giuseppe: Actually, July 2 is when congress declared independence, the date that-a should be celebrated.
Homer: Hey, Super Mario. Don't you tell me about America!
Giuseppe: Idiot! I'm-a right!
Homer: No, you're a-wrong!

Homer: Should I really let the men who ruined my past and present hang out with the kid who's going to ruin my future?
Bart: I'll bring you home my dessert.
Homer: Text me the choices.

Kumiko: Oh, but I don't know much about babies. Except how to dress like one.

Marge: This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Manjula: Please don't make a scene.
Homer: But if you do, bring back some breadsticks.

Waylon: Oh it's such a pleasure to pour tea for someone, and not have to help him chew it.

City: "Go, Dog, Go", pages missing. Lego spaceship, poorly constructed. Clearly this is the appartment of elementary school children. Too bad. I was really looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.
Homer: Oh, thank you, friendo!
City: I am not your friendo.
Homer: But I thought...

Rod: Daddy, can I buy this one?
[holds up a short that says "Get Bent"]
Ned: Let's see. "Get Bent" Well the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray. We'll take the whole box.
[passes t-shirts to people]
Ned: Get bent everyone!

Homer: [Homer gets a message on his phone] Aah! Mike just invited our family to spend next week on their on their private island!
Marge: Wow, a whole week! Too bad the kids have school.
Homer: Marge, please! Lisa's not gonna fall behind - and Bart's not gonna catch up.

Mr. Burns: [voiceover, as Smithers leaves the prison] This would have been the perfect time for it to start raining. Oh, what the hell? I'm telling the story.
[It starts raining]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, not dramatic enough.
[the rain turns to snow]
Mr. Burns: Frostbite took his nose.
[Smither's nose falls off]
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Sherpa: Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.
Sherpa: Frankly we don't care.
Homer: I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own!
Sherpa: Then technically, shouldn't you go back down and start all over?

Marge: You're getting acid in the bed! I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Homer: She sure loves that couch.

Lisa: Dad, if I join a clique, I'd become someone I hate.
Homer: Lisa, our country was founded by a clique, the Continental Congress. Dolphins live in cliques. Those are my two examples.
Lisa: Those are good examples.

Homer: [Referring to Kid Rock and Joe C] They called you a pig, sheriff.
Officer: I don't care what they call me. As long as they play "Fists of Rage". That's a gooood song.

Krusty: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to make ice? She forgot the recipe! How come you don't see many blonde snowwomen? It takes too much time to hollow out the head!
Bart: [laughing] He sure got you pegged, blondie.
Lisa: You're blond too, you know.
Bart: Blond boys aren't dumb, they're evil, like in Karate Kid or World War II.

Chief: Men, I want these brownies confiscated.
Lou: There are no drugs on these brownies.
Chief: I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL
Lou: I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you.
Chief: That was for pants.

Marge: [Stuck in the basement due to agoraphobia] What to do now? Too crazy to go outside; not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

Lisa: Do you think I could join Dirt First?
Jesse: Well... we might have an opening at the poser level.

Homer: Wait a minute! My dad was an aspiring songwriter, like Charles Manson? I never knew that.

Nelson: She can do the kind of math that has letters. Watch. What's X, Lisa?
Lisa: Well, that depends...
Nelson: Sorry. She did it yesterday.

Professor: I'm going to spray myself with this pheromone and wait for a bee to be attracted.
Babe: [appears out of nowhere] Marry me, and I'll support you for life!
Professor: You're not a bee! This stuff is useless.

Marge: There's only one fair way to do this. We must put it to a vote.
Bart: Before we do, I would like to point out that in Sophie's Choice, she chose the boy.

Homer: This is worse than Nude and Screwed season six when Jerry got airlifted out because howler monkeys bit his pixilated area!

Krusty the Clown: [dressed as a vampire; reading from an offscreen cue card] Hey, hey! Tonight I'm going to suck!
[pauses in confusion; reads from another card]
Krusty the Clown: Your blood.

Chief: My wife's shopping for a swimsuit that doesn't make her look horsey, so I'm gonna be here a while.

Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?

Trent: Oh, hey... My 1:00 canceled. Have you had any lunch?
Max: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?
Max: Tie good. You like shirt?

Homer: You want to erase the 2009 Oscar red carpet? But they had some amazing dresses, along with a few disasters!
Marge: Fine, then what should I erase?
Homer: I don't know, but hands off my Hoarders, don't erase any of my episodes of Episodes, and if you erase any of my episodes of Revenge...

Homer: Well, when your wife came to Moe's, I was there being my usual, effervescent self.
[Cut to Homer passed out on the bar]

Marge: When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?
Homer: Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Lisa: Mom, there has to be another way.
Homer: [Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty.
[Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]
Lisa: Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.
Moe: Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?
Homer: Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.
Moe: Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.
Homer: All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.
Moe: Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.

Marge: How could you kill your own mother?
Bart: It was just a game. A game I was enjoying it until you mommed all over it.

Ned: I want you hit me in the eye. If you do, we'll be even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.
Homer: So you went and hired a law firm, eh?

Sea: I'm married to the sea, plus I have a thing on the side with two of the Great Lakes. I won't say which, but it's Erie how Superior they are.

Bart: Whoa! Airshot! Dead? But in the movie he lives. Wh-What happened?
Black: You happened! You son of a swamp witch!
Moby: You showed your Comic Book Guy a spoiler of Airshot using his breath to save himself.
Hydrangea: The powers of evil in our dimension saw this and, so warned taped Airshot's mouth shut. And killed him.
Bart: [whimpers] I didn't know! I never dreamed that spoilers really hurt people. But they do. Spoilers kill. I love you, Airshot!
[sobs]

Homer: See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it.
Marge: I know what the sun is.
Homer: Yes, now you do.

Bart: [to Homer, who's hallucinating that Bart's dressed as an Arab woman] Ignore her, effendi. We have each other.

Krusty: Kid, I gotta admit, you're starting to grow on me.
Sophie: Same here, Dad. It's nice that you don't always have to be on.
Krusty: I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell you, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
Sophie: [taking out a violin] Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset.
Krusty: [she starts to play] Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play it when I was a boy.
[sniffling]
Krusty: It's beautiful.
Sophie: Do you play?
Krusty: No, I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes. Might want to watch out for that, too.

Nelson: You're reading a chapter book, for fun! Bullies, come to me!

Ned: Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Homer: Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?
Ned: Well, actually, yes.
Bart: Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.

Radio: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
Homer: Flanders?
Radio: Mars!

Homer: [pondering] Homer Simpson, do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do?
Jesus: Hey, you gotta pay to find out.

Abe: Crying in the corner, huh? Mind if I join you?

Marge: Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble-making I expect from your brother.
Bart: You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem.
[picking up a brick, he throws it at a school window; it rebounds and hits him in the head, knocking him out]
Lisa: Mom, I was elected to make this a better school.
Marge: Well, couldn't you just hang some colorful crepe paper in the gym?
Lisa: They've taken away our crepe paper.
Marge: Those fuddruckers!
[police cars pull up, a siren whooping]
Marge: Oh, no, they heard me.

Manjula: I don't know why you listen to Sanskrit 93.7, The Dot?
Apu: I like Mamud, Maheet and Badujin in the morning. No caste is safe from their merry japes.
Manjula: Having a Ma-hot-ma or Ma-not-na contest is not a jape. It's sexist sacrilege.
Apu: Well, you have so much in common: non-stop talk at drive time!
Manjula: Take it back!
Apu: I take it back.

Ceasar: Hello Homer, I'm Ceasar Chavez.
Ceasar: But, how come you look like Ceasar Romero?
Ceasar: Because you don't know who Ceasar Chavez looks like.

Elizabeth: Have any of you seen John Frink?
Moe: He ain't here.
Elizabeth: But his hover-tronic Frink-a-ma-car is parked outside.

Judge: According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?
Homer: Uh, your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol.
Judge: You abandoned your son to win forty dollars?
Homer: And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion.
[Holds it up and admires it]
Homer: Cool.
Judge: And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?
Homer: Your Honor, if may sing a little bit of, "Don't Fear the Reaper," I think you'll agree...
Judge: I'm familiar with BOC. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision.
Homer: I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair.
Judge: Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.
Homer: It won't!

Lenny: Maude, when I look in that man's face, I see Jesus.
Maude: When you look at everything, you see Jesus. I bet you're seeing Jesus right now.

Madam: [to Marge] Maybe someday someone will love you too, childless servant.

Homer: [as a medieval peasant] So long, Marguerite. I'm off to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders.

Bart: I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta.
Milhouse: Who am I again?
Bart: Yum Yum. I'm Peep-Bo.
Milhouse: [dialing a phone] Mom? Dad? I got the lead!

[fireworks system overturns, aiming to the bystanders]
Professor: The term "target audience" is taking on a sinister connotation.

Homer: What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head] I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Lisa: But corporate sponsorship cheapens our nation's treasures.
OmniTouch: Actually, they're OmniTouch's treasures now. We bought them during the last budget crisis.

Homer: The real magic is raising three kids in this economy!

Homer: Alright, how should I get there?
[looks at rowing boat]
Homer: Hmm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose!

Bart: Can't talk now. Texting.
Moe: Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.
Barney: [the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!
Moe: Why you... when I...
[texting]
Moe: "When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.

Bart: I want to be emancipated!
Homer: Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

Mr. Burns: Look at that comic book fellow, calmly eating candy like a Spaniard!

Lisa: Entidiement? I thought this family meeting was about reducing the carbon footprint of my College Fund?
Homer: Done and Done.
Lisa: Wait, Wait! Why is it so easy?
Homer: Moving on!
Lisa: Oh, Man.
Homer: I thought your mother was gonna tell us that Grandpa died.
Abe: [Camera pans over to Abe] Well, the meeting ain't over yet!

Homer: [drunk] But I don't wanna go home. I'm not done talking to me.

Homer: [at Springfield's sci-fi convention] How am I supposed to know it's not a real spaceship?

Dr. Hibbert: Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.
Lisa: Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.
Bart: Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?

Marge: Good news. The only ants I'm finding are already dead.
Homer: Leave the corpses. It'll send a message to the colony.

Marge: [angrily] You listen to your friends but you never listen to me.
Homer: Heeey, that's great!

Kent: This town has been hit by a plague... a blue bonnet plague. Easter time is here, and everyone is dressed up to celebrate the resurrection of...
[Looks at notes]
Kent: ... Jesus Christ.

Sideshow: Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one...
[commercial break]

Lisa: Dad, please don't leave.
Bart: My grades will suffer. In fact, they're suffering now.
[Shows him his report card]
Bart: Look at this garden of 'F's. You planted them all!

Bart: Your movies have lost their way.
Randall: No they haven't! My characters are getting better all the time, now that we've perfected digital eyelash rendering.

Comic: I adore Edna. She's near mint and comes from a very limited edition - females who will talk to me.

[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

Bart: I can't believe "Smell You Later" replaced goodbye.

Homer: He's tasted human flesh. He'll be a slave to his succulence now. Look at him eyeing me. He knows I taste best.

Homer: But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.
Marge: You'll be all right. You always are.
Homer: Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.

Smash: Bart, I want you to meet and greet the other members of the Party Posse. He's smart, he's soulful, he's Milhouse!
Milhouse: What up, G Money?
Smash: Next, he'll break your nose, your glasses, and your heart, Nelson.
Bart: Wait, these are just guys from school. Who's next, Ralph Wiggum?
Ralph: [spinning in his chair] Whee! I'm a pop sensation.

[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

Mr. Burns: I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.

Marge: Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.
[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]
Lisa: Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
[Maggie holds up calendar]
Bart: But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens.
[He takes all the calendars]
Bart: Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Marge: The reason I don't want this car is because... I want to have another baby.
Homer: An on-purpose baby?

Chief: Here we are, 123 Fake Street. The home of Knifey Wifey!

Homer: This place is nothing like Animal House. I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages... successfully!

Homer: Oh, man, that church service was so boring. I did a whole book of Find-A-Words.
Lisa: Ugh, dad, all you circled were the "I"s and "A"s.
Homer: Those are words.

Homer: Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.
Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job.

Milhouse: [about Doctor Doolittle] The running time is 152 minutes.
Nelson: The running time is now!
[Tries to run for the door, but Groundskeeper Willie hits him with the hose and knocks him back in his seat]

Lisa: Would you guys turn that down!
Homer: Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

Dr. Hibbert: Oh my goodness, it's Matt Groening!
Lenny: Wow, the creator of 'Futurama'!

Marge: The pound hasn't reported any greyhounds, but they have a daschund, a schnauzer and a pregnant raccoon.
Homer: Sounds like a trade up. How much for the pregnant raccoon?
Marge: We're not getting a raccoon!
Homer: Good, Marge. Get the price down.

Charles: I have a joke.
Marge: Ooh! I like jokes. As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in".
Charles: So, there's a man, right? and he comes across a genie.
Marge: That's funny!
Charles: That's just the setup.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's set me up for a lot of laughs.
Charles: So, the genie says to the man "I'll give you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your wife will get double."
Marge: Umm-hmmm.
Charles: So, the man says "I want a brand new car," and the genie says "Your wife gets two!" You remember, the whole double...?
[Marge smiles and nods]
Charles: Then the man says "I want a house." "Your wife gets two!" You see how it works...? So now the man has one more wish, and here's the humor, right? The man says, "I want you to beat me half to death."
[laughs]
Charles: Right, you see? See, since the wife gets double, if the man gets beaten half to death, that means the wife would be beaten to death!
Marge: That's not funny. That's horrible!
Charles: I agree, simply awful, spousal abuse and all... It is a wee bit humorous, though, don't you think?
Marge: No.
Charles: No, of course not.
Marge: I did like the part with the genie, though.

Chief: Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse in the book.
[walks into door]
Chief: All right, door. You're coming downtown.

Bart: I don't wanna take drugs.
Homer: Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...
Marge: Tommy Lee...
Homer: Andy Dick...
Bart: He's just flamboyant.
Homer: Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Homer: And now for one of my favorite things: going downhill.

Dr. Julius Hibbert: How many fingers am I holding up?
Marge: Two.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Good. Now I can put them back in the jar.

Homer: Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-Yuck and Tweedle-Blech.
Fat: Ahem. I hope I'm not interrupting.
Homer: [scared] Um, Fat Tony. I was just complimenting your beautiful girlfriend while insulting her hideous twin.
Marge: I'm sorry, Fat Tony. My husband doesn't realize what he's saying, then five seconds later...
Homer: [scared] Oh, my God!
Fat: All will be forgiven. If you sketch a portrait of Patty showing her inner beauty.
Homer: You are cruel but fair.

Krusty: Hey, hey, kids! You're old pal Krusty is going to teach you five new words: unlicensed use of my image.

Lisa: [auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have?
Nelson: I dunno. Making nerds cry?
Lisa: Perfect! You can be our TV critic.

Nelson: [throwing spelling book in fire] Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.

Garth: [Upon learning that Marge is in his office to complain about his sugar business] Hey, Marge. I'm not up on the current slang, but do the kids still say, 'get the hell out of my office'?

Prof. John Frink: [writes something on his note pad] By my calculations we're only one strike away from victory.
[the note pad is shown. It says '3-2=1']
Prof. John Frink: Numbers are fun.

Milhouse: [running] I'm doing it! I'm doing it! And when I win, I'm changing my name to something cool like Winnie!

Smash: Well, boys, the Party Posse is over, but at least I saved you from a public spoofing.
Bart: [the MAD cover flutters to the ground] Aw, man! We could have been on the cover of MAD.
Nelson: They called me "Smelson." Haw-hah!
Homer: [laughing with the boys] Smelson. It's funny 'cause you smell.

Russian: So, you return from a hard day of taking our jobs to your lover.
Marge: He's not my lover.
Moe: Let the man speak!

Newsman: To Springfield!
Newswoman: Which Springfield?
Newsman: The one the Simpsons live in!

Ben: We now return to "The Swellest Slum", the musical romp starring Debbie Reynolds as Rosie, the Puerto Rican seamstress.
Debbie: Don't tell me we have to walk through the all the booze bags over in the Irish district!
Ben: ...And we won't be showing that movie anymore. Coming up next on TCM... nothing.

Marge: A doctor who treats kids and pets?
Dr. Thurmond: Hey, in this economy I'll even remove tattoos.
Homer: Can you remove my tramp stamp? I got the idea from watching a show where people regret these.

Guard: Oh, so you wanna see the Who, huh? Well, I'll take you to the Who.
[throwing Bart and Homer into the band's hotel room]
Guard: Here's your Who!
Roger: I thought we fired that guard.
Guard: [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, right. I got fired by the Who. Whatever you say, pal.
[whistling and doing the "crazy" hand gesture at his temple]
Guard: Wacko.

Bart: Stop going for my groin!
Doreet: No groin, no krav maga.

Edna: Bart, you had a month to do that assigment. You started thirty minutes ago.
Bart: Thank you, thank you.
Edna: That wasn't a compliment. You have crushed my dreams of teaching ever since I saw "To Sir With Love" as a little girl.
Nelson: Ha-ha! You're old!
Edna: It was on VHS in the '80s.
Nelson: Outdated medium. I stand by my "Ha-ha!"

Homer: Alright, let's see. Oh, English side ruined. Must use French instructions. Le Grille? What the hell is that?

Homer: Hi Fat Tony! Still in the Mafia?
Fat: Er, yes, Homer. Thanks for asking.

Marge: I'm tired of your broken promises. "I'll fix it tomorrow." "I'll be home at 8:00 PM." "I'll be home at 8:00 AM." "I'll take you on the most romantic dinner of your life." Well, I'm through with your excuses!
Homer: Marge was so happy when I made those promises. What changed?

Lisa: Your film's not all bad. If you cut out the parts that don't work, it could make a great short film.
Bart: A short film?
Lisa: Many directors, like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin and Tim Burton, started out with short films.
Bart: Name one more.
Lisa: Taylor Hackford.
Bart: I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced!

Evelyn: Does a momma opossum skip church on Sundays?

Lisa: [to L.T. Smash] But you have recruiting ads on TV. Why do you need subliminal messages?
L.T Smash: It's a three-pronged attack: subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.
Lisa: Super liminal?
L.T Smash: I'll show you.
[shouts out the window to Lenny and Carl]
L.T Smash: Hey, you! Join the Navy!
Carl: Uh, yeah, all right.
Lenny: I'm in.

Nelson: Adults you strut around like your farts don't stink.

Ralph: Hi, Bart! My nose makes its own bubblegum.

Dr. Chang: You're in Canada now, where your health care is free!
Lisa: Free health care. Why can't America do that?
Homer: She's delirious, Doc. America can't pay for health care and give corporations the tax breaks they so desperately need.

Lisa: This is our home. There's nothing buried here except hopes and dreams.

Marge: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Yesum!
[Bart says grace in Latin]
Homer: What the hell was that?
Lisa: Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.
Homer: [Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?

Bart: Lise, I don't get it... Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?
Lisa: Bart, Bart, Bart, you're worried you're losing Milhouse, and love is a selfish thing!
Bart: Shut up! I don't love Milhouse!
Lisa: Oh Really? The more you deny it, the more I know it's true!
Bart: Oh, yeah? Well, whenever you're mean, I'm a trampoline. So everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.
Lisa: [Laughs] God, that was lame. Where did you get that?
Bart: From Milhouse! Oh, I love him so much!
Lisa: Aww, it's okay!

[returning home after Isotopes' defeat]
Lisa: With a little middle relief, they might even make the play-offs!
Homer: You'll be in your cold, cold grave before that ever happens.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop talking about the children's graves?

Roz: Who told you?
Homer: I won't say, but his initials are S.F.
Roz: Stupid Flanders!

Homer: With you at my side, this toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.

Manacek: Sorry, I can only solve impossible crimes if I'm seducing an amazing woman. It's my process.

Squiggy: [repeatedly in his sleep] Hello, Laverne...

Bart: Hey, Paris! I saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet. Your face!

Jack: The following takes place between 2:34 PM and 3:04 PM. Or maybe it's AM. Whichever one is the morning one; it's not that one.

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this.
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000-page sleeping pill.

Krusty the Clown: Move over! I know how to talk to kids: we want to give you a little present, a tainted victory that will haunt you forever.

Homer: [to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago.

Homer: Lisa, you take the car.
Lisa: But I can't drive.
Homer: Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?
Lisa: A little.

Homer: Why, you - you made them cancel "Platypus Man"!
[strangling Garth Trelawney's tux]

Lisa: [at Janey's funeral and burial ceremony] Why? why did my best friend have to die?
[She sobs a bit]
Lisa: I mean, it's a great college essay, but it's just not worth it."

Bart: To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.
Martin: Oh, to be a mathlete without the M.

[Marge accidentally gets breast implants]
Marge: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding!
Dr. Velimirovic: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.
Marge: You better! If not, my husband's gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face!
Dr. Velimirovic: Oh, yes, your husband.
[sarcastically]
Dr. Velimirovic: I'm *sure* he'll be furious.

Krusty the Clown: [after the oxygen bar he's in blows up] Oh, now where will I get my oxygen?

Bart: You don't know how impressive that is to a kid whose dad can't get the dog to sit.
[Cut to Homer yelling at Santa's Little Helper]
Homer: Sit. Sit. Sit!
[Santa's Little Helper starts hopping on his hind legs]
Homer: I don't know what the hell that is, but it's not sitting!

Mr. Burns: ...and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin.

Homer: [to Marge] This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Robot: Hey, these cards are marked.
[table falls]
Robot: Now look what you've done.
Robot: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?

Mr. Burns: Congratulations, I dub thee king of the morons, also known as supervisor for sector 7-G.

Bart: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
Bart: Go away.
Milhouse: Yes, Master.

Kent: Now, Reverend Simpson...
Homer: Please, Kent, call me your Your Holiness.

Lisa: Juliet's father is the utmost John Grisham scholar.
Juliet: He found several hidden plot lines in The Firm, and proved that the real villain in A Time To Kill is the justice system itself.
Homer: Told ya, Marge. Told... Ya!

Shop: Want to try a new camcorder, sir?
Homer: All I'm here for is a battery!
Shop: Care to make love, sir?
Homer: Battery, battery, battery!

Grampa: Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday!
[a thought bubble appears and fills up with static]
Grampa: Uh-oh.

Homer: We dispose of your relationships humanely thanks to our patented TenderDump system. We'll be there in thirty minutes, our your next break-up is freeee!

Robert: There isn't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big fella.
Homer: The Governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Chief: Your mission is to find the firework smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief: Yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape.

Homer: I have a plan to deal with that. Step one: change everything about ourselves until we are super-cool. The end.
Marge: I've always thought you were cool!
Homer: Honey, I'm not cool. I was never cool. I didn't go to college! Every CD I have I bought at a carwash. Black and white films make me angry. I can't pronounce artisanal. I only know David Cross from the Chipmunks movie! Not only do I like Van Halen but I think they keep getting better!

Marge: Good lord! This bedroom is as big as our house!
Homer: And the bed never needs to be made. Check it out.
[pulling a lever, a trap door opens and the bed drops into a furnace; another trap door opens and a new bed replaces it]
Marge: Hmm. Seems a little wasteful.
Homer: Wasteful and practical.

Lisa: Well Bart, how does it feel to be trolled, memed, gif'd, and dare I say, pwned?

Lisa: O Lord Buddha, I know I shouldn't ask for anything, but come on!

Principal: Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.
Brody: Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.
Marge: They kissed?
Madison: On the slide.
Homer: That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!
Madison: Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.
Homer: Maybe you should get easier jobs.

[first lines]
Ranier: McBain to base, under attack by Commie-Nazis.

Bart: [looking under the couch cushion] Hey, remember that pet gerbil we used to have? He didn't run away after all.
[crosses himself]

Bart: I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything.
Homer: You did do it, I saw you do it, and here's proof!

Sideshow: Sideshow Bob, hoisted on his own petard.
Lisa: Actually, that's hoisted *by* his own petard.
Sideshow: Oh, get a life.

Gabriel: Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.

Homer: [after Marge hands him a gift wrapped box] What is this? Did I get drunk and buy useless stuff on eBay again?

Judge: Let me look at your file, son.
Bart: Your Honor, I can save you some time. I've done it all: juvie, state juvie, groovy juvie, the Montessori prison, Outward and Inward Bound. So you're down to fry me or free me. What can I say? I'm a widdle dickens.

Choreographer: Sneer, sneer. Two, three, four, and thrust, and grab yourself right there.
[grabbing his crotch]
Choreographer: Now let go and flirt.
[seeing Ralph's blank look]
Choreographer: You call that a flirt? I'm not melting!

Lisa: Mom, can I have permission to swear?
Marge: Okay, if it's tier one.
Lisa: Dammit!
[beat]
Lisa: That didn't work. Can I go to tier two.
Marge: I'm afraid not.
Lisa: Dammit!

[Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field]
Tom: [shouts] Everyone sucks but me!

Homer: God, I love to watch that woman get beer.

Homer: There's no violence like self-inflicted violence.

Homer: I'm not made of money. I'm made of man meat and a skeleton.

Edna: Okay, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?
Homer: Ahhh!
Edna: What is it now, Bart?
Bart: Night terrors.
Homer: Ahh! Cobras!

Sideshow: This brunch has turned into a jazz brunch!

Milhouse: I hate these flood pants.
[opens door and water comes in up to his ankles]
Milhouse: Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

Lenny: I don't care what anyone says; massages are relaxing.

Homer: [meeting Roz] A woman of stature!

Mark: [singing to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady", dressed as Luke Skywalker] Luke, be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for Yoda while we serve our guests some soda. And... uh... do it for Chewie and the Ewoks. And all the other puppets. Luke, be a Jedi tonight.

Julia: I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed.
Homer: Wow. You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.

Abe: People say bullies are cowards. Well, they're wrong. Bullies are brave because they're strong.

Jerry: Question 2. How long is your weiner, seriously?
Mr. Burns: Great heavens! What kind of Radiola show is this?

Manacek: Ah, Clancy. You're looking well... fed.
Chief: See? He deliberately put that pause between those two words!
Manacek: Maybe I did, and maybe I... didn't.
Chief: Well, two can play at that... pause!

Ned: Springfield, my home town. Pretty little place, although even the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.

Burns': Hiya, pal! I guess we're just two white-collar criminals.
Mr. Burns: Oh, thank God. I thought you might be a hardened tattooed criminal.
Burns': Nah, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth.
Mr. Burns: Dartmouth? Guard, get me away from this brute! Get me out this instant!
Burns': Got my Masters at Virginia, the public Ivy.
Mr. Burns: Guard!

Jim: [about why he encourages the Myth that all Mohicans are "gone"] Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.

Bart: [to Marge] It's your fault for giving birth to my arch-enemy.
Lisa: At least I was planned.
Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Marge: This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house!

[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]
Homer: Well, I am bald and important!

Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecueing.
Homer: Oh. Is that one?
Bart: That's just a guy with red hair.
Homer: Oh.

Casting: What the fudge?

Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Marge: [Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!
Homer: We did everything we could for him during the commercials!

Marge: I love tapas. They're like appetizers for a meal that never comes.

Homer: Typical eco-jerks! Usin' words to talk!

Kirk: Milhouse played the violin for years, until it turned out the vibrations were screwing up his bones.

Artie: I thought this might happen, so I've mastered Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
[Lies down on floor]
Artie: Fall atop me and meet your doom!

Bart: [after Rick and Morty horribly mutate the Simpsons] No more guest animators, man!

Bart: Ahh, you gotta love a religion with merch.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these dungarees? I look like a square.
Waylon: Uh, that crease is in your leg, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, so it is.

offcier: listin rookie these streets are hard it not like air bud four strong arm of the paw

[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

Sheldon: I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.
James: To quote Chandler Bing from Friends, too much information. And to quote Dwayne from What's Happenin'!, Hey... hey... hey.

Homer: Krusty, you let everyone down. And even worse, you let down this sacred document.
[Homer brandishes a rolled-up scroll]
Krusty the Clown: You're right. It's time I made a difference!
[Krusty storms off]
Lisa: Dad, this is a kids menu where you help Yogi Bear get to the Washington Monument.
Homer: ...stained with the blood of American patriots.
Lisa: That's jelly.
Homer: ...from the Unknown Toaster.
[Homer salutes]

Agnes: How come you're not off fighting like a real man?
Homer: I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Bart: I like going to work with you, dad.
Homer: And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.

Superintendent: Now that we have a man on the inside, we'll put Bart Simpson away from a long, long time.
Principal: By long, the most we can give him is five days suspension.
Superintendent: That's long for a kid.

Homer: [sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Bart: That's it! I want a license.
Mayor: To kill?
Bart: No, to drive.
Mayor: Suit yourself.

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Marge: And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Homer: Relax, sweetie. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.

Becky: Otto?
Otto: [playing Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", he offers her a skull-shaped ring] Becky... you're my rose. Will you let me be your thorn?
Becky: Oh, Otto, of course my answer is...
Becky: [turning the volume up] Ooh, wait, wait, wait, wait. This solo is kick-ass!
Becky: Honey, could you turn it down?
Otto: Okay, but this better be worth it.

Ralph: Why do people run from me?
[Pees his pants]

[watching a green Homer being taken down by the cops]
Stan: He can't be the Hulk... I'M the Hulk!
[rips his shirt open, growls, and tries to change into the Hulk]
Comic: Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.
Stan: Come on, dammit, change!
[continues to growl and signs]
Stan: Ah, forget it.
[goes back to growling]
Stan: I really did it once.
Comic: Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.
[they go back inside and Stan Lee starts growling again]
Comic: Almost had it there.

Homer: Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?
Marge: I would like it. You never come to my mother's.
Homer: That's because I hate her.

Bart: There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?
Grampa: Nope, everybody's paid up.

Apu: If only that mark on your forehead was an off button!

Marge: I'm not a hoarder. Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?

Moe: Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven.
[worried]
Moe: Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?
Homer: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

Homer: So, you were saying something?
Marge: Why do I waste my breath?
Homer: Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.

Homer: I can't stand Marge's gray hair. It's like I'm married to Richard Gere.
[Phone rings]
Homer: Not now, phone. I'm talking to myself. It's okay, Homer. It's just a couple of minutes. Thanks, Homer.
[Picks up phone]
Homer: Hello?
Moe: Hello, wing man? You were supposed to be here two minutes ago.
Homer: Oh, thank you, prior commitment!
[Kisses receiver and hangs up]

Bart: [trying to return the Bounty to Tahiti] Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are, the most beautiful women in the world
Kearney: Those are penguins.
Bart: Well, look at it this way: we're gonna discover the North Pole.
Jimbo: South Pole.
Bart: Oh, boy, do I suck.
Jimbo: Yeah.

Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny: Really? Let's try it.
Moe: [after a moment of silence, from another room] Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about "Orgasmville"?

Principal: I have broken a ten-year-old's spirit. Time to reward myself with a fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt. Plain, plain, plain, plain... ooh, fruit.

[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal: Well Edna, it just might have some company.

Klaus: [narrating "Strupo: A History"] "The Grey Troll," "Brine of Madness," "Angel's Urine"... all names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo. Though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses, local alcoholics soon found Strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort. The noxious liquor causes powerful olfactory hallucinations, gender confusion and wandering mouth. So if you visit Isla Verde, be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo. Strupo: lose everything!

Kent: As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.
Homer: Hey, the TV man is talking about us!
Kent: A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.
Homer: How the hell did they find that out?

Warden: Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to foxtrot are 10 percent less likely to commit a double homicide.
Delinquent: Who conducted this study?
Warden: The Institute of Shut-Your-Fat-Face!

Homer: I never thought Homer Simpson would be a part of The Day of the Locust.

Lisa: I thought I was just donating blood.
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh, you are, along with lymph, spinal fluid and all the trimmings.

Lisa: I say we hit them where they live. With a candlelight vigil.
Homer: Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.

Bart: Now to go back to the future, where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich man's house. Either way, it's better than here.

Homer: Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning.

Lisa: Dad you've become the new Grim Reaper!
Homer: No way! Forget it! I may occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point but I am not a Grim Reaper!

Lisa: I think I can say with all humility, I am going to be the best school president ever.
Bart: [clapping, sarcastic] Bravo, Lisa. Bravo.
Marge: Oh, isn't that sweet? Even your brother's adding his kudos.
Bart: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: You were?
Bart: [with heavy sarcasm] No, I was being sincere.
Homer: Oh, I'm so confused.
Bart: Lise, Skinner is using you, like a pawn on his unholy chess set.
Homer: On my chess set, the pawns are all Hamburglars.

Sideshow: Python jaw: Unhinge!
[swallows Kearney's head]
Kearney: [muffled screams] I don't wanna die in some old dude's mouth!

Abe: Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.
Jasper: The Simpsons?
Abe: No, Christmas.

Moe: Here I am all depressed, when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world, writers.

Dr. Kissingher: Your only hope is to get a wingman.
Moe: What's a wingman?
Dr. Kissingher: A wingman is a friend who...
Moe: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now I gotta get a friend?

Homer: To me, it looks like garbage salad. But that's the great thing about art. Everyone can have their own opinion on why it sucks.

Mr. Burns: I swear on the squid beak of Lord Cthulhu and all his briny shoggoths, I will get revenge on you, Jay G.
Homer: [narrating] And so Mr. Burns beat on, fists against the hologram, punching back ceaselessly into his own face.

Marge: Bart, honey, would you like some more cod liver oil?
Bart: Yes, mum.
[he gulps it down]
Bart: I thought I was regular before, but I was wrong!

Abraham: I'm taking that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical college dissecting table, or wherever you're planning on dumping me.

Krusty: [at a book signing] Name?
Bart: Hey, it's me, Bart.
[Krusty stares confused]
Bart: Your biggest fan.
Krusty: Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna... know that all my fans are all...
[he mumbles under his breath]
Bart: [looking at the autograph] "K the C"?
Krusty: Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day. Now, if you could...
[ushering him out of the way]
Krusty: Up, bup, bup, bup, bup. Yeah.

Homer: Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Bart: I don't want to be the guy who killed everyone's fun. That's Skinner's job.
Principal: Don't look at me. I didn't kill everyone's fun, fun killer.

Lisa: My hero isn't someone famous.
Homer: Pfth. Loser.
Lisa: He's never accomplished anything great.
Homer: Pa-thetic.
Lisa: And he's not in any history book.
Homer: Makes me sick.
Lisa: He's my dad.
Homer: Bwah?

Marge: I hate it when you and Selma fight.
Homer: Me too. I also hate it when you agree.

[after discovering Dr. Bushnell's illegal diamond mining operation, Lisa examines the scientist's research]
Lisa: These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies! This is disgraceful, Doctor!
Dr. Bushwell: All right! So I snapped! You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.

Jack: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Oh... well... . you know, lots of people shoot Apu. It's just a $100 fine now!

Lisa: Mr. Burns, you can't do that.
Mr. Burns: I can, I am, and soon I shall have been. I'm unstoppable!
[Turns around and walks into a tree]
Mr. Burns: Have his acorns killed and make him watch.

Newspaper editor: I want you to over-hype this story so much it makes the New York Post look like the New York Times. Or, the New York Times look like the New York Post. I.. forget which one the good one is.

Milhouse: A Playbox? I didn't know you had one!
Bart: Neither did I.
Milhouse: Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the sales receipt? Where's the dessicant packet that says "Do not eat"? And believe me, you shouldn't.
Bart: I think this game player was liberated from its former owner.
Milhouse: Liberated? You mean stolen?
Bart: You can't spell crime without me.
Milhouse: C-R-I... there it is, at the end!

Bart: Why are we taking it with us? And this time I don't mean Lisa.
Lisa: I'ts amazing how I can pity you and hate you at the same time. I bet there's a German word for it.

Krusty: Can't argue with the laughs. Oh well, it's not my job to make kids laugh.

[three years after Kodos and Kang's alien armies have conqured the Earth, Kang arrives at Springfield's devestated city hall in an armed tri-pod]
Kodos: Colonel Kang, your report.
Kang: Well, the Earthlings continue to resent our presence.
[a large explosion nearby shakes the building]
Kang: You said that we'd be greeted as liberators!
Kodos: Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds.
[Kodos holds up a human brain and heart]

Homer: Are you a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.

Homer: Meals on Wheels. Eat it up or I go to jail.
Old: [seeing the dessert has been eaten] Didn't these meals used to have a cobbler?
Homer: Uh, they discontinued the cobbler.
Old: [sniffing him] You smell like cobbler.
Homer: Now, let's not get into who smells like what.

Homer: Boy, if anyone needs me, I'll be taking a popcorn bath. It's a thing I read about in a men's health magazine in a dream.

Manjula: Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.
[does baby-talk]
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.

Marge: You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.
Homer: Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Lisa: Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is my friend Nelson.
Nelson: S'up, Zuck?
Mark: [Typing] Mark Zuckerberg is... happy to make new friend.
Lisa: That's nice. Mr. Zuckerberg, I want to show my friend the importance of a college education.
Mark: Actually, I dropped out of Harvard.
Lisa: You did?
Nelson: Better earnin' than learnin'.
Mark: Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree: honorary, baby!

Bart: [Golem kicks a hole in Bart's bedroom wall] Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "Kick Homer's walls".
Homer: [Homer walks into the bedroom] Bart -
[Golem kicks Homer in the crotch]
Homer: Ooop!
Bart: That's more like it.

[Snake pushes past Marge as the moviegoers leave the cinema after "The Poke of Zorro"]
Snake: Move it, Q-tip!
Homer: Why, that little - he insulted your honor!
[grabs a glove from a janitor's back pocket and approaches Snake as he lights a cigarette]
Homer: Sir, I demand satisfaction!
[slaps Snake across the face, knocking his cigarette out of his mouth]
Snake: Are you crazy, dude?
Homer: I challenge you to a duel!
[slaps him again]
Snake: [chuckling] The dude *is* crazy!
Homer: [threatens to slap again] Will you duel, or are you a coward?
Snake: Would a coward do this?
[seemingly reaches for a gun]
Snake: Bye!
[runs away as the moviegoers cheer]
Marge: [kissing Homer on the cheek] My hero!
[Homer grabs a ketchup bottle from a concession stand and squirts it to form the shape of an "H" on Marge's dress]
Homer: "H" is for Homer!
Marge: [annoyed] Thanks, Homer.

Homer: [Tracking down Kirk at the strip club] All I gotta do, is go in, get the pervert and bring him back to a park full of children.

Principal: [an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!

Moe: [Looking at Tom Brady on the television] I can't stand that pretty boy quarterback. He thinks he's so handsome, just because he's drop-dead gorgeous.

[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]
Lisa: Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.
Priest: The power of Christ compels thee!
[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]
Marge: [sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]
Homer: Heh heh heh, suckers.

Lisa: So many times we've watched our father go under the knife.
Marge: One more and I get a free hysterectomy!

Krusty: [stopping Sophie's mom from assassinating Saddam Hussein] I just saved my baseball bit. Who's Sayin's on first, Iya Tol'ya's on second, and...
Sophie's: [jumping on him and choking him] You stupid clown!
Krusty: [the flashback ends] When I came to, she was gone and the war had been over for eight months. Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
Sophie: All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown. So typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.

Homer: [learning of the crayon in his brain] I've had thousands of head x-rays. How come no one ever noticed it before?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever, I pick up an x-ray, I always hold it like this. My thumb must have covered up the crayon every time.
[chortling]
Dr. Hibbert: I'll show myself out.
Scientist: Do you have any idea how this might have happened?
Homer: Well, I'm not sure, but it might have happened when I was six.
[flashback to six-year-old Homer putting crayons up his nose]
Homer: Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen! Who-hoo!
[feeling woozy]
Homer: Oh, I don't feel so good.
[as he sneezes, the crayons come out of his nose]
Homer: Uh, I think that's all of 'em.

[last lines]
Marge: Is that your wallet?

Marge: It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?
Bart: Not anymore.

[singing along with an R.E.M. song]
Homer: Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

Homer: [in the Nerd's room] Smells like comic books and loneliness.

[Homer starts sliding down the ski slope]
Homer: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...
Ski: [thought bubble] If you get into any trouble, all you have to do is...
[image changes to Flanders, wiggling his butt]
Ned: [thought bubble] Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all!...
Homer: AH! Stupid sexy Flanders.
[Homer's legs slide apart]
Homer: Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!
[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Lisa: Comic Book Guy, have you seen our mom?
Comic: Ohh, a complete list of things I have seen or not seen is available on my blog. Your mother is on the not seen list, along with a Star Wars film that was only good since the first one. And even that has been ruined by CGI additions... Bravo George...
[claps]

Bart: Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money. Except money.

Lisa: Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.
Bart: So that's why I'm so cool.
Lisa: So that's why my jazz is so smooth.
Homer: So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.

Ian: Please, take these free tickets to my play!
Homer: What? What play?
Ian: We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
Homer: You mean 'MacBeth'?
[a car splashes Ian McKellen]
Ian: Quiet, you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
Homer: What, by saying 'MacBeth'?
[an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]
Ian: OW! Stop saying it!
Homer: Saying what?
Ian: 'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Bart: This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']
Marge: Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'!
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Lisa: Mom, you said 'MacBeth'.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Homer: Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry.
[McKellen is hit by lightning]
Ian: That's quite alright. You didn't know.

[At Moe's]
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.

Bart: [the third grade kids are driving on the school bus to Capital City. Bart looks bored, but then sees a red Volkswagen Beetle out the window] Punch Buggy red!
[Bart punches Lisa]
Lisa: Oww! You are such an immature...
[Lisa sees a white Volkswagen Beetle]
Lisa: Punch Buggy white!
[Lisa punches Bart]
Bart: Oww!
Audrey: [to Lisa and Bart] Stop fighting!
Lisa: [pointing at Bart] He started it! He did Punch Buggy first!
Dakota: [looking over at Bart and Lisa] What's "Punch Buggy"?
Bart: [explaining to Dakota how to play] When you see a Volkswagen Bug, you punch someone and yell the colour.
[all the third graders look over at all the Volkswagen Beetles and gasp]
Kevin: [punches blow on the bus] Punch Buggy blue!
Kid: Punch Buggy green!
[punches blow on the bus]
Kid: Punch Buggy taupe!
[punches blow and the kids groan]
Otto: Two for flinching!
[two punches blow and the kids groan]

Bart: Joke if you will, but did you know most people use ten per cent of their brains? I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place. Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam. Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.
Lisa: Are you standing up to get me to leave?
Bart: It's from the book.
Lisa: [scans the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"] Hey! I'm not a Time Burglar!
Bart: [opens electronic organizer, types as he speaks] Memo to self: Lock door.
Lisa: All right, I'll go! You don't have to be a jerk about it.
Bart: [typing again] Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.

Lisa: This doesn't make sense. Dad would never leave an open wings bar. And he loves mom and us, yadda yadda yadda.

Astrid: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, or a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly, or chimpanzee.

Homer: Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven?

nelson: He really does have the power go forth and spread the word. Spread it!

Lisa: [after her vision board fell off the wall] That hook was meant to take a whole lifetime of disappointment!

Bart: I wish I could see mom one more time so I could say, "this was all your fault!"

Marge: [after seeing Homer drunkenly admit his occasional resentment of them] So, I'm just some babe who sank her claws into you.
Homer: A hot babe.
Marge: [frustrated groan] Ooh!
Lisa: Have you always resented us, Dad?
Homer: Oh, I don't resent you, sweetheart. What I was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right words, was that marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail. But as coffins go...
Lisa: Please don't say anymore.

Homer: I learned something today. Did you know that my work is the reason I get those checks every week? And now that I've been demoted, those checks have gotten smaller. Not in physical size, but in...
Marge: I know!

Marge: I've brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brainfood. I guess that's because there's so much dolphin in it.

Lenny: Oh God, I miss Lisa's cat so much!

Lisa: Apu, how did you survive?
Apu: As a vegetarian, I did not eat any tainted burgers. And as a convenience store owner, I'm armed to the teeth.

Homer: It's so cool here in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior.
Ned: Unknown? He's the most famous person who ever lived!
Homer: Porky Pig?
Ned: Porky Pig isn't a person! He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig!
Homer: But he is buried here, right?

Homer: I can't believe I'm having lunch with the Mayor. Next time I vote for you, It'll be on purpose.

Mr. Burns: [asking Homer how he can let people like him] Simpson! I want to be loved again.
Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

Chinese: [singing] American jerks are going home! / Now we sleep for a thousand years! / When we wake, the world will end!

Apu: [two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.

Lisa: Why don't you do what Everybody Loves Raymond did?
Krusty the Clown: Quit while I'm still successful? That horse has left the stall, been made into glue, and used to make art projects.

Snake: Don't worry Gloria, I'll win you back even if I have to beat this guy to death.
Gloria: Snake, beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me!
Snake: It used to! What if I beat him harder?
Gloria: Ugh! You sooo don't get it!

Krusty the Klown: Let's try this. Break into a peppy vamp.
Stephen: Good, and I can counterpoint it with...
Krusty the Klown: No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy!
Stephen: [Starts playing] Hey, this peppy stuff is not bad. Maybe I could do that jingle for Buzz Cola.

Moe: Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya!

Lisa: Wow, you look really hung over, Dad. What did you do last night?
Homer: Last night? Uhh...
[Homer imagines a whitewashed version of his drunken antics]
Homer: [patting Lisa on the head] Uh... hello, big Maggie!

Henry: Meet Maggie Simpson; IQ 165
Mrs: 165? That's amazing for a Christian!

Homer: If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.
Bart: Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!
Lisa: You threw your car keys in my bean plant!
Homer: A hero!
Ned: Homer, is that my camera?
Homer: Hero away!

Mr. Burns: [removes Pie Man's mask and gasps] Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!
Homer: It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

Lisa: [observing the wreckage] Look at the wonders of the computer age now.

[Marge drives Homer, Carl and Lenny home from a strip club]
Lenny: Can we stop for ice cream?
Carl: Homer always stops for ice cream.
Marge: We'll see.
Lenny: That always means no.

Homer: Eating is to me what drinking is to me!

Jacques: [Fighting Homer with Bowling Balls] I will ball You to death!

comic book guy: It seems I will never sell these she hulk vs spink comics worse cross over ever.

Bart: [Bart, as the boy Mozart, is accepting an award as Outstanding Composer Age 10 and Under"] I want to see you all next week at my concert in KRAKOW!
[as he says this, he turns and "moons" the audience]

Devon: Devon Bradley. Character actor, dancer, singer. I'm a triple-threat!

Edna: skinner ive moved on r romance is iin the history books and there is nothing left worth highlighting.

Moe: You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.
Homer: Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
Carl: We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
Lenny: When it gets to here, we can drink again!

Principal: Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.
Superintendent: We fear your son may be dealing drugs.
Marge: Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!

Homer: [as Shady] I didn't know you were such a feisty, high-class bitch.
Marge: [as Vamp] I like how you used the technical term for a female dog.

Department: I don't chop off people's heads. People chop off their own heads, I just tip them into the basket.

Homer: [They get off the bus] Here we are. Branson, Missouri.
Bronson: [Looks and sound like Charles Bronson] No, pally. This is Bronson, Missouri.
Lisa: Well, how do we get to Branson?
Bronson: Number 10 bus.
Bronson: [Sounds like Charles Bronson] Hey, Ma, how about some cookies?
Bronson: No dice.
Bronson: This ain't over.

Homer: Ocean sex rules! Screw land sex!

Homer: [as the Tiki] Behold, I'm King Talky Tiki!
Homer: Hey, Flanders, can your god do that?
Ned: Actually, Homer, you and I worship the same god.
Homer: [as the Tiki] Irregardless, I am your god, now!

Krusty the Clown: I can be a clown again!
[laughs]
Nehorai: He was a clown? He was the least funny person on this socialist commune.

Seymour: [singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never start.
Groundskeeper: I'm so drunk, I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hay.
Bart: Lisa is a fool.
Seymour: I think the rules are cool.
Groundskeeper: I've fallen in the pool!

Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?

Homer: Sometimes you have to wait till you're 38 to discover who you really are.

[Homer and Bart enter Krusty Burger and make for the fryer]
Krusty: Can I help you, sir?
Homer: [excited] My God, you're greasy!
Krusty: Mr. Maruka? Heeelp!

Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...

Ned: Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.
Homer: Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?
Marge: Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?
Lisa: Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.
Bart: Great, more Hell for me.

Lenny: Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.
Carl: You know what this reminds me of. My Icelandic boyhood.

Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back - hey, would you cuddle me?
[the bar patrons laugh]
Moe: Dude, that little!
[turns to his own telegraph machine]
Moe: I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule.

Fred: It's a beautiful day... to KICK YOUR ASS!

Bart: [as Johnny Rotten] Tonight, we're gonna play like we've never played before: competently.

Homer: We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.

Homer: Wolves are taking all our women!

Homer: Hors d'ouvres, big fancy desserts, and my wife's paying for it all. Now I know why pimps are always so happy.

Bender: Zzzzz... Kill all humans... Zzzz... Kill all humans...
Homer: Zzzzz... Start with Flanders... Zzzzz... Start with Flanders...

Milhouse: I got it! I got it!
Bart: [Pushes Milhouse away and catches the ball] I hogged it! I hogged it!

Ned: [after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals] I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky.
[Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]
Ned: Now cut that out.

Homer: [after being turned into a blue SnagglePuss] Heavens to Margeitroid! Exit stage right!

[Marge discovers her new breasts]
Marge: [outraged] You've turned my maguppies into bazongas!

Bart: I think Dad might be a little heavy for parasailing.
Homer: Faster, Marge! Faster! The snapping turtles are massing!

Yes: [Homer dressed as a bum enters an expensive store] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
[Homer flashes his money]
Yes: Oh ye-e-e-e-e-s!

Marge: Three, two, one... Happy new year!
Marge: Of school!
Bart: What are you guys doing?
Marge: It's the first day of school.
Homer: You're the government's problem now!

Homer: If it's such a Good Book, why are there no blurbs in the back? Not even from David Sedaris, and he'll blurb anything.

Homer: [reading his Self-Test quiz book] Ok, there's a black widow at your door, a rattlesnake at the window and a scorpion on the phone. Do you A: None of the below, B...
Marge: Homie, for godssakes, it's 2AM!

Homer: [drunkenly gets into his car and fumbles with the key] I'm in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself! I'm drunk!

Homer: [singing arpeggios to practice his voice] D'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh, d'oh. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, whoo-hoo. Stu, stu, stu, stu-pid Flanders.
Ned: [poking his head in] Why the crescendo, my dear old friend-o?
Homer: [singing] Get lost, you waste of a mustache.
Ned: [leaving] Okily-dokily.

Barbara: Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw?
Marge: Well, he would eat all the time. We'd be making love and he'd have a mouthful of Hersey's miniatures.
Homer: [ashamed] Krackle was my favorite.

Auctioneer: Do I hear a hundred thousand?
[Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]
Waylon: Sir, why do you even want this house?
Mr. Burns: I need a place to store my cufflinks.
Auctioneer: Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...
Ned: One hundred and one thousand!
Mr. Burns: Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.

Marge: I bet Homer is in that bar getting hammered.
[Cut to Homer at Moe's working on the train; Barney accidentally hits his thumb with a hammer]
Homer: Ow! All worth it for Marge.

Mitch: Hi I'm Mitch Hartwell, creator of The 1895 Challenge. And by 'creator' I mean I saw it on Dutch television, and tweaked the title.

Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.

Grampa: Everyone's making whoopee and hanky panky. A few are even having sex.

Homer: One hundred dollars? Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?
Marge: A hundred.
Homer: Woo hoo!

Bart: Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?
Milhouse: No, Walter's been cool.

[the Simpsons family hold a seance for Ned to contact the spirit of Maude]
Bart: [dressed as Maude; ghastly voice] Ned, I'm back! Gimme a kiss!

Homer: Ah, there's nothing better than relaxing with my favorite magazine.
[unfolding a page of "Pie Times" like a nudie magazine centerfold]
Homer: [excited gasp] Ooh... they're showing the filling now. Can they do that?

Mel: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.

Snowball: You really did it this time, Homer. You lost your family.
Homer: Wait, you can speak on this side?
Snowball: Yes, I just don't like to. Makes the dog feel inferior.

Milhouse: [a pile of Krusty memorabilia is burning] I told you not to light the toys yet!
Nelson: I didn't. They just burst into flames.

Homer: Evening, fellow rockers.
Elvis: There you are. We thought we were gonna have to go on without you.
Homer: I'm ready. Just give me a guitar. How many solos should I do? Four?
[blank stares]
Homer: I'll do four.
Tom: Uh, Homer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with...
Homer: [gasping] My official tour jacket! Lookit...
[seeing "honorary roadie" on the back]
Homer: Wait. You misspelled "guitar hero".
Mick: Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer. We really just need you to tap the mics and say "Test. Test."
Homer: Can't you do it?
[as Keith opens his mouth in shock, his cigarette falls out, and Mick folds his arms over his chest]
Homer: [sadly] Oh. Okay. So I'll, uh... okay.

Comic: Breath short. Left arm numb. Can't go on describing symptoms much longer.

Ted: This is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote no on Proposition 87. If we don't allow crossbows in our public schools, how will we protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always... I say Wango! I say Tango!

Moe: And now its time for the annual Christmas tradition of trying to kill myself.

Bart: Mom married Artie Ziff?
Artie: Indeed, and that makes you Bartie Ziff.
Bart: [Takes off hat, revealing curly hair] Oy caramba!

Homer: [kicks a Saleswoman out of the house] We don't need your high-priced safety junk!
[Maggie falls from an upstairs window. The Saleswoman catches her, and gives her to Homer]
Homer: Oh, thank you.

Chief: Whatcha got there, Simpson?
Homer: Just my lunch. Roast beef parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, moo goo gai parm, my wife can parm anything.
Chief: My wife only parms for me on my birthday, and that's only if I give her the sad puppy face look.

Lisa: PBS is showing a performance of an Edward Albee play.

Krusty the Clown: Look at this list of words they won't let me say on the air.
Bart: Oh, all the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.
Krusty the Clown: It's doing thirteen while she's eleven-ing your five.

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?

Homer: Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?
Apu: By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.
Homer: Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.
Apu: Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?
Homer: Could you beeee any more...
[pause]
Homer: Hellooooo...
[laughs]
Homer: ... Look, just give me some ice cream.
[Apu removes a tub]
Homer: Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.

Catholic: The Catholic Church. We've made a few... changes.

Marge: So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me?
Rev. Lovejoy: Hmm? Oh, yes. Your husband's in Microatia.
Lisa: Microatia? That's 12,000 miles away.
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh-huh. He needed to get away for a while. I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.
Marge: Missionary work?
Bart: He's dead, isn't he?
Rev. Lovejoy: No, no. You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.
Homer: [over the radio] Jebus, where are you? Homer to Jebus.
[disappointed groan]
Homer: Ohh...

Bart: Can I have a beer?
Homer: All right, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge.

Bar: [Rolling in a drier] I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell...

Ned: Homer, I'm insisting on a fisting!
Waylon: What's this about a fisting?

Bart: Look! There's the Rich Texan and his daughter, Paris Texan.

Lisa: How could you soil the good name of Star Blitzzz Promotions?
Smash: Oh, come on, Lisa. We've always used pop stars to recruit people, going back to Elvis. Then there was "Sgt. Pepper's," the Captain & Tennile, and the KISS Army.

[while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.
Homer: Ooh, Bart. My first prank call. What do I do?
Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger".
Homer: What's the gag?
Bart: [sighs] Oh, forget it.
[hangs up]

Marge: Hey! We never opened that envelope to see what our free gift is.
Homer: We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place.
Marge: I know, but we didn't.
Homer: [reaches for the envelope] Well, here it is. So we can open it and find out now.
Marge: Perfect!
Homer: [opens it] Aw, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car!

Homer: Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?
Lisa: As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.
Homer: What?
Lisa: Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.
Father: [laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...
Lisa: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Homer: its a blackout oh every time santa and i get together its a disaster.

Marge: [Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are] What is that billowing down the stairs?
[Gasps]
Marge: It's smoke!
Lisa: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

Doug the Cameraman: Sorry I ran out of tape before that beautiful speech of hers. But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.

Lisa: Mom and dad have completely given up. Their relationship has no spark or romance!
Bart: You got me out of my game for girl words?

Cletus: Hey, Brandine! The woods is full of scary white people!
Brandine: So what else is new? Now get the traps ready. I need a new people coat.

Bart: Stan Lee came back?
Comic: Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Homer: [stabbing his fingers with a knife] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Marge: No knife games on the kitchen table.
Homer: I didn't hit your precious table.

Chief: [inspecting the Simpson house] Someone in this family's made a deal with the Devil and now the Devil wants his due. Now remember: the creature feeds on your fear.
[Cuckoo clock chimes]
Chief: What the hell was that?
[screams and runs out, returns as a skeleton]
Chief: Actually, it feeds on more than just fear.
[collapses]

Lisa: Martin Prince took my essay subject. What do I do?
Bart: Here's what you do. Write about your dad.
Lisa: Everyone writes about their dad.
Bart: Sure, everyone writes about the good dads, but with our dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top, or you die there frozen. Either way, hell of a show.

Dolph: I'm gonna kiss the ground.
Kearney: Loser, you're gay for the ground.
Dolph: Well, you're gay for homophobia!
Kearney: Wow, you just made me gay for tolerance!

[Lenny and Carl are meditating]
Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts?
Carl: I... like... short shorts.

Sea: Here's your bill. And will there be anything else?
Lisa: We haven't gotten our food yet.
Sea: I'll look into it.
[going to the kitchen]
Sea: What the...?
Marge: Who else has a story?
Homer: I do.
Marge: Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest.
Bart: Hey!
Marge: I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you.
Bart: Well, one time I read this boring comic book about a ship called the Bounty.
Marge: Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on.

Cletus: We home school 'em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.

Tommy: I need you to reinvent the wheel. No, de-invent the wheel. No, re-unvent the whool.

Lisa: [At the outlet stores] Look at all these monstrosities.
Homer: Honey, what did I tell you about worshiping our corporate overlords?

Lenny: Date Night: It's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.
Carl: I never should've given you that Egyptology book.

Martin: To quote Mark Twain, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Nelson: Yeah, rumors of your wussiness are a hundred percent true.

Marge: Now, Lisa's going through this phase where she doesn't eat any meat. So I usually sneak a little meat juice into her vegetables.
Becky: Wow, you're a real-life Martha Stewart. I mean, without the evil.

Barney: When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's...
Homer: Wasted? But what about our staring contests? And how we always knew what football coaches should have done!

Homer: [pulls compliance chip out of his head]
Homer: I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Lisa: Are you sure you want me to be your double's partner?
Homer: Absolutely, sweetie.
Lisa: And you're not doing it out of spite?
Homer: No, of course not! Now aim for your mother's heart.
[points at a cardboard model of Marge]

Brazil: Nazis!
Germany: Nazi Harbourers!
Bystander: : [chuckles] Guys, you're both right.

Homer: Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never, ever let the police get their hands on you!

Marge: Mister, you are grounded.
Homer: And no TV.
Marge: And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.
Homer: And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you are up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out.

Bart: Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.
Homer: A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.
Bart: I like the beat. Play me the tune.
Homer: We're taking down kids who read.
Bart: Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach, but what's the cream?
Homer: I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write?
Bart: Tween-lit gang-write?
Homer: Tween-lit gang-write, but this Babar needs a Zephir.
Bart: A Zephir?
Homer: You're the Zephir.
Bart: This better not turn out like Kansas City.
Homer: It won't be like Kansas City.
Bart: [typed into the video game's high score list] I'm in.

Martin: Individually we are weak, like a single twig, but as a bundle we form a mighty faggot.

Phony: Hi, I'm Phony McRing-Ring, mascot and president of the telephone company, and I'm here to explain why the convenience of area code in...
[an automated voice dubs in "your town"]
Phony: ...has been replaced by the convenience of two area codes.
Homer: Uh, I have a question, Phony.
Lisa: It's a movie, dad.
Homer: Quiet, honey, daddy's asking the man a question.
Phony: You're probably thinking, "Sure, more area codes are great, and I don't mind paying the extra hidden fees, but how will I remember all those numbers?"
[opening a closet, refrigerator magnet-like numbers fall out]
Phony: Whoa! Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
Chief: Well, how big of a monkey?
Phony: [laughing] Of course you're not.
Lenny: [the film ends] Well, I'm convinced. A professional-looking film like that has got to be right.

Homer: Aw, you look like a little tiny dinosaur.
[it bites Homer]
Homer: YOW! That's one vicious baby bird!
Lisa: Dad, they aren't birds.
Bart: Sure they are. They came from eggs in a bird's nest, therefore they are birds. Ickso, Fatso.
Lisa: One, they don't have beaks. Two, they don't have feathers. And three, THEY ARE LIZARDS!

Declan: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?
Homer: Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Homer: As someone who has fallen off cliffs multiple times, the best thing we can do is teach him how to fall off cliffs.

Bart: Lisa, are you on a secure line?
Lisa: I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.
Bart: But it looks so cool!

Marge: You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go after last year's... unpleasantness.
[indicating a newspaper front page of a drunk Homer riding a donkey, crashing into a cake, under the headline "Local man ruins everything"]
Marge: That donkey is such a bad influence on you. But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet, maybe we can go.
Homer: [nodding] Mm-hmm.
Marge: [he smiles] Mmm, I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.
[as she does so, he sighs contentedly and taps his foot like Thumper from "Bambi"]

[first lines]
Reverend: And may we burn in painful and foul-smelling fire for ever and ever.

Kirk: Hey, I can't leave this place! I get three square meals a day and trailer time with Springfield's craziest chicks.

Homer: The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in?
[talks from side of mouth]
Homer: And I talked like this?

Homer: They say Muhammad Ali was the greatest of all time, but he never fought Cassius Clay.

Lisa: I created something popular!
Homer: And I created something that created something popular.
Abraham: And I created an alcoholic hippo.
Homer: Well, you never showed it to me.
Abraham: A stupid alcoholic hippo.
Homer: Are you just saying that because you don't want to show me the hippo?
Abraham: You're the hippo!
Homer: All right, don't show me the hippo!
Abraham: There is no hippo!

Nursery: [singing to a group of babies] If you're happy and you know it, that's a sin! If you're happy and you know it, that's a sin!

Cletus: You have the eloquence and sense of urgency of a census worker caught in a bear trap.

Homer: [to Marge] That is not possible, we are not in Gattaca.

Homer: If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought!
[Suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and start to rain]
Homer: I mean a thousand year flood.
[the clouds parts and it stops raining; a rainbow appears on the distance and a flower grows at Homer's feet]
Homer: D'oh! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.

Marge: Nelson? I explicitly forbade Bart from playing with that little monster. Oh, Bart is in deep, deep trouble. Oh, yes, and punish Lisa for lying to us.
[leaves the house]
Homer: All right, young lady. March yourself directly to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer. Get a little somethin' for yourself, sweetheart.

Bart: So what's the plan now, Skinrash?
Principal: My name is not Skinrash. It's Principal Skinner, and you will refer to me as such.
Bart: Sure thing, Such.
Principal: I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later.

Kent: Ralph, both parties want to offer you their nomination. Whom do you like?
Chief: Go ahead, Ralphie. You're invited to two parties: One with a donkey and one with an elephant. Who do you like?
Ralph: ...Elmo?
Kent: Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations. So, Ralph's a Republican!

Marge: I hate to say this about the Cat Lady, but I think she's crazy. She's a hoarder.
Lisa: This is so sad. Can we help her?
Marge: We can! It'll be great, like a reality show without the cameras.
Lisa: You mean just reality.

Marge: Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?
Lisa: No.
Marge: It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.
Lisa: Oh! Oh.

Ned: I'm going to a Christian rock concert.
[holds up two tickets reading "Chris Rock in Concert"]
Ned: It's gonna be one wholesome evening!

Abraham: I want a foot rub.
Bart: But do you need a foot rub?
Abraham: No one needs a foot rub. Now start rubbing!

Lisa: I tried to play God, and like the real God, it went horribly wrong.

Lisa: [Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.
Bart: No, that's a much larger animal.
Homer: [In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.

Buck: in seemed the 70s it seemed westerns were out and detective shows were in all they had me do was shoot hippies.

[Homer and Bart are on a spaceship listening to Rosie O'Donnell sing]
Bart: Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.
Homer: Not fast enough!
[he presses the eject button, which sends them into space where their heads explode]

Marge: [Picks up copy of The Onion] "Scientists Prove That Cat Heaven Is Real But People Heaven Is Not"? That's so sad.
Emily: No, Marge. It's not a real headline. It's satire.
Marge: Oh, satire. And these fake movie reviews are so mean, they're hilarious!
Emily: No, those are real reviews.
Marge: Great newspaper.

Wayne: I can't live in the real world!
Abraham: This is the real world? Hot diggity dog! I'm still alive! And I'll treasure every moment, except the ones that aren't like they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, somebody kill me now!

Optometrist: Okay, let's get started.
[turning off the lights, she hears him snoring]
Optometrist: Hey, wake up!
Homer: What do you...? Oh, sorry.
Optometrist: Now, read the first line.
Homer: "I ate pee pee."
[writing "I 8 PP", Bart laughs]
Homer: [strangling him] Why, you little...!
Optometrist: [switching lenses] Better or worse?
Homer: Worse!
Optometrist: [switching them again] Better or worse?
Homer: *Much* better!

Chief: [after putting the Wiccans in the back of the squad car] I feel kinda sorry for them. Lou, toss them a Judy Blume novel.
Lou: All we got is Wifey.
Chief: Really, nothing with kids in it? Damn budget cuts.

Lisa: I'm so proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people did before you.

Ned: Hell, I felt a little guilty for taking back what belonged to me.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Flanders isn't perfect!
Ned: Never claimed to be!
Homer: Yeah, and aren't.

Homer: My lifestyle is my retirement plan.

Homer: I don't know what it is about having all my dreams fulfilled, but I feel great!

Kent: This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It's your turn for sure!

Lisa: Dad, can I ask you something?
Homer: Sure. What's troubling you, my son... I mean, my girl son?

Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped.

Marge: Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

[Marge finds Homer playing with Homer Jr]
Homer: Aah! My other baby mama!

Bart: The point of dinosaurs is that an asteroid is going to wipe us out no matter what we do, so we should just party hard and wreck the place.
Homer: Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Chief: Alright smart guy, where's the fire?
Homer: Over there.
[Homer points to a fire at the police station]
Chief: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.

Homer: Alright food nerds, reality check. All the food in those pictures is poop by now. Minds blown, you're welcome.

Marge: *Privacy* is at stake here.
Homer: Oh, I'll eat some mayonnaise.

Homer: Oh, boy, Casino Night! Finally, they'll teach our kids the dangers of doubling down on a six.
Marge: I really shouldn't be here; I have a problem with games of chance. I played Candyland with Maggie and ended up throwing vodka in her face.
Homer: Aw, Marge, I bet you've gotten that out of your system.
Marge: Bet... system... betting system! God is telling me to gamble!
[pushing her way through, she goes to Ralph Wiggum's blackjack table]
Marge: Deal! Hit me! Hit me! Hit me! Busted! Mmm.
[she throws a martini in his face]

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?
Superintendent: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?
[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]
Principal: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.
[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]
Ralph: Intercourse?
Superintendent: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.
[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

Rod: Hurry, let's climb down.
Bart: Okay but don't let our hands touch. It's gay.
Rod: What's gay mean?
Bart: Uh, it means you use to be afraid
[brief pause]
Bart: , but now you're not.
Rod: [to his father Ned Flanders below] I'm gay Daddy... I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay.
Marge: [nervously to Ned Flanders] I believe he's saying... he's okay.

Grampa: Before you judge me, look where my DNA leads.
Homer: [Tangled in the venetian blind cords] I'm okay.
Abraham: I think he's cute. Would he like to play with my keys?
Homer: I'm a normal adult man, and yes.

Jack: You see, I didn't want to go so cutesy-wutesy.
Skinner: Because?
Jack: Because it's not my style.
Skinner: Well, if you want to keep this job, you'll make it your style.
Jack: All right. You're the bossman, ain't ya?
Skinner: Darn right, I'm the boss. Don't forget, I can take you back where you came from, college boy!

Homer: [singing] I'm shavin' my shoulders.

Bart: Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!
Homer: Yeah, you promised, mom!
Marge: I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.
Homer: Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Bart: [as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
Moe: [as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?
Bart: You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.
Moe: Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.
[clears his throat]
Moe: Note to self: kill that kid.

Marge: [after Sunday mass] Well, where should we go for brunch? Griddler on the Roof? Thank God It's Fried Eggs? Luftwaffles? Bodacious Frittatas? Buffet the Hunger Slayer?
Homer: I wanna say one!
Marge: Be my guest.
Homer: Denny's.
[dejected groan]
Homer: Oh...
Bart: Every place has such a long line.
Homer: Don't worry. We'll just go home. Your mother can cook.
Lisa: I just want a simple salad with pine nuts, haricots verts, seasonal heirloom tomatoes...
Marge: Forget it! One day a week, I should be able to put on nice clothes and have someone bring food to me.
Bart: There's a place... with no line!
Homer: Whoo-hoo!
Lisa: [seeing a catering van] Bart, that's not a restaurant, it's somebody's house.
Homer: Lisa's right, son. Your mom is way too classy to crash a private...
Marge: [crawling through a window in the basement] I'm not cooking!

Marge: It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.
Lisa: Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.
Homer: Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.
Bart: And I'll have been on every continent.
Lisa: Except Antarctica.
Homer: The Simpsons are going to Antarctica.
[brief pause]
Homer: Next year. This year, Brazil.

Bart: Come on, Dad, we got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time.
Homer: Boy, if were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act.
Bart: Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
Homer: Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old driving a crappy car with a son who doesn't respect me and I'm one snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes. Mmmm, snickers pie.

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you?
Mayor: [points to Homer] HIM.
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."

Grampa: So how long will you be rooming with me?
Homer: The rest of your life, for sure.

Commercial: [Homer, part of a focus group, is watching a political ad] Who should America elect in 2008? Former governor Vincent Aleppo said in the New York Times, "I will protect the nation from attack."
Homer: He's got my vote.
Commercial: But, in that same issue of the New York Times, they also printed an article about terrorist leader Nussaf Al Mustaffi.
Homer: Dear God, what have I done?
Commercial: "And you shall judge them by the company they keep."
[a photoshopped image of Aleppo and Mustaffi sharing a milkshake is shown]
Homer: My god! They're going steady! Did everyone see that?

Homer: Why haven't you thrown that bum out?
Marge: Christian charity.
Homer: Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Marge: Is that the cat in there?
Homer: It's *a* cat. I'm not certain it's *the* cat.

Dr. Zander: You're serious? You mean you lay your hands on your son's neck?
Homer: Yeah. I guess it's the way I was brought up.
[Flashback to Homer as a boy]
Grampa: Homer, your grades are a disgrace. No more TV for a month.
Homer: Why you little...
[Strangles Grampa]

Meathook: Alright Satans, we roll out at dawn.
Marge: Where are we going?
Meathook: To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke is comin' and we're gonna jump him.
Marge: You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
[entire gang looks around at each other, confused]
Marge: Haven't any of you had a dream?
Ramrod: Yeah, I had a dream! I was in this beautiful garden... pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper. Then...
Marge: Noo! I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.
Meathook: Aww man, to get all that you'd have to kill live fifty people!
Marge: Noooo, you don't have to kill anyone! Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching resume.
Ramrod: Nah, actually it's called résumé.
Meathook: Actually, both are acceptable.

Bart: Lisa, I know all about addiction from watching dad, and the first step to recovery is to get rid of the substance. So take off your pins. All of them.
Lisa: What is this, tough love?
Bart: I prefer to think of if more like soft hate.

Professor: See those red spots? This bee is suffering from bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles.
Homer: Animals get sick?
Professor: I'm going to talk to the girl now.
Homer: You're the nerd.

Mr. Burns: I just love champagne that's been in space, don't you? Now, listen to me, your friends don't give a whit about you.
Professor: That is not true! Those guys are my best buddies! Fatso and Drunky and the evil bartender there.
Mr. Burns: Well, think about this, Professor. The curse of wealth is that you will never, ever again know if anyone truly likes you.

Marge: Let's push bullying to the ground and make it cry and point and laugh at it!

Homer: Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!

Lisa: Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.
Bart: Does dad give you money for good grades?
Lisa: I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.

Moe: Have you ever thought of racing that bird?
Homer: You can bet on pigeons?
Moe: Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.
Bart: What about the Detroit Lions?
Moe: Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool.
Milhouse: And also educational. We can learn about science.
Homer: Science.
Bart: Uh... he didn't say 'science', he said... 'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm... pie pants...

Bart: Captain Bligh, there's a message from Admiral Nelson.
Principal: [taking out a telescope] Thank you, Mr. Christian.
Nelson: [raising a row of flags] Mm-hmm.
Principal: [interpreting] "Bligh... eats... dolphin... boogers."
Nelson: Ha-ha!
Principal: Well, when you eat as much dolphin as I do, there's bound to be a booger or two in the mix.

Bart: I didn't study.
Principal: What?
Bart: I fell asleep on the books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.
Principal: So you know what osmosis is?
Bart: Uh... pajamas?

Patty: Hey, saturated fats. I came to ask you a favor.
Homer: Let me get my beltsander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.
Patty: Very funny.
Homer: I wasn't joking!
[Homer pulls out a beltsander, turns it on, and advances on Patty]

[at a Julia Roberts movie parody]
Homer: That wasn't funny.
Patty: Wait a minute! Somebody's not laughing! It's him!
Homer: Hey, don't blame me! This movie is tired and predictable! You know she's gonna wind up marrying Richard Gere!
[all gasp]
Dr. Hibbert: I thought she'd wind up with that rich snob.
Sea: Ably played by Bill Paxton.
Homer: It's Bill Pullman, you fool!
[gets thrown out]
Movie: Go point out your plot holes elsewhere!

Ramona: So you're the maneater Hall and Oates warned us about?
Homer: Hall and Oates? What's going on here?
Ramona: Your wife and my husband have been watching British television together.
Homer: [Grabs Ben by the lapels] Serious drama or naughty comedy?
Marge: Drama! Drama!
Homer: You just dodged a bullet, sugar lips.

Marge: We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly?
Lisa: [grabbing the game boxes from the cupboard] Which version? We've got Star Wars Monopoly, Rasta-Mon-opoly, Galip-olopoly, Edna Krabappoly...
Marge: Let's stick to original Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is - how can an iron be a landlord?

Princess: We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.
Sideshow: What? Ewwwwww.

Krusty: [excited about a poker hand] Oh, what a lousy hand. I'll stand.
Fat: I raise. Two G's.
Moe: I'm out.
Snake: Fold-o-rama.
Homer: Can we make this hand high-low?
Fat: No.
Homer: I'm out.
Fat: Krusty, are you in or are you out?
Krusty: [checking his wallet] Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
Fat: [revealing a watch on his wrist] You mean this one?
Krusty: Oh, yeah, right. Just let me go to my car.
Fat: [as Krusty leaves, Homer starts singing "Whimoweh"] Don't do that.

Guinea: You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig. You know, most of these guys are rejects from the big guinea pig mills in the Midwest. Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers.
Homer: You don't have children, do you?

Homer: Kids, have you seen your mother? Or yourselves?

Barney: Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years.
Moe: Oh, that's okay, Barn.
Barney: No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Moe: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Homer: Oh, I thought I knew what hunger was, but now I know that was just not being full.

Narrator: Before a riot could break out, Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing.
Jimmy: [to rap music] Got a brother named Billy, and my teeth look silly! Break it down now!
[Carter begins breakdancing on stage]

Lisa: You did this on purpose! My future is at stake!
Bart: So don't is mine!

Lisa: It's not fair. Adults always blame kids for everything.
Homer: Well, if kids are so innocent, why is everything bad named after them? Acting childish, kidnapping, child abuse.
Bart: What about adultery?
Homer: Not until you're older, Son.

Professor: I was able to put Homer's memories in the body of a clone, identical to the original in every way. I wanted to clone a sheep, but I needed to start with something simpler.

Principal: Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.
Lisa: Absolutely.
Alex: Apple... pick?
Lisa: Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-a-longs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything!
Principal: Ah, you forgot apple bobbing.
Lisa: No, I didn't!

Marge: [after seeing a TV show wherein a character has the same name as Homer] It was all a coincidence... like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall that stole your stereo.
Bart: [sarcastic] Yeah... coincidence.

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make a lot of graphs...

Mick: There's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer.
Elvis: We acted like a bunch of angry young men.
Lenny: Yeah, rock 'n' roll is supposed to be about peace and love.
Brian: I hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.
Tom: [with his foot bandaged] What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry. By the way, I don't suppose any of you have seen my, um...
Lisa: No. Sorry.

Lisa: Moe, you are a heartless jerk!
Moe: Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

Superintendent: [weakly] Skinner! If I die, I want you to take over...
Principal: [pleasantly surprised] Really?
Superintendent: ...the search committee for a new superintendent.
Principal: [shakes head dejectedly] Mmm...
Superintendent: Just hold my head and say soothing things.
[lies down with head on Principal Skinner's leg]
Principal: Third grade math scores are holding steady.
[rubs Superintendent Chalmers' head]
Superintendent: [contentedly] Aah, yes.

Lisa: Sometimes I wish strangling your children was still legal.
Marge: Not since they passed Homer's Law.

Bart: The bone's the very thing, methinks, to prank my sister and the dink.

Shauna: You just got into a flame war with a teenaged girl.
Comic: Flame on!

Marge: We've found a new place that we love. A place that may not have indoor plumbing, but it's got something we treasure more.
Homer: Yeah, non-jerks!
[the crowd gasps]
Mayor: Maybe he's right. We *are* jerks!
Chief: You want I should spray some of my Jerk-Off on ya?

Homer: So, seen any good beer commercials lately?
Man: Asinine! Everything you say is asinine!

Homer: I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
Martin: Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
Groundskeeper: I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you!
Homer: But I'm up $200,000!
[grabbing Martin]
Homer: Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?
Martin: You don't understand; it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!
[to the shocked people]
Martin: Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.
[the people begin rioting and overturning the game tables]
Lenny: [pushing a slot machine] Look at me! I'm a big man!
[it falls on top of him]
Lenny: But I break... just like a little girl.

[the Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them]
Marge: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.
[Clicks on Matthew Perry]
House: Could I BE more of a house?

Kent: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.

[the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license.
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!

Lisa: Dad, can you please get me the syrup.
[Homer gets the syrup from the cupboard]
Homer: See, before, I probably would have just driven to the syrup.

Mary: Bart, if any girl wants to change you, let her, because you have a lot of problems. But mostly you're great.

Krusty the Klown: I brought the greatest American composer... this guy. What's your name?
Stephen: Stephen Sondheim. I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.
Krusty the Klown: Well, I bet you hear this a lot: You cost me an arm and a leg, so get to work!
Stephen: Here's the opening number.
Krusty the Klown: Aha... Complex harmonies... Sophisticated lyrics... Pithy observations on everyday life... What is this crap! Where's the zazz? Why don't you do what you did on Cats?
Stephen: I didn't write Cats.
Krusty the Klown: Oh, no! All right, I think we can save this.

Lisa: Dad, you were supposed to read me a bedtime story.
Homer: Oh, sorry sweetie. Bart can read it to you.
Bart: Read to Lisa? Why don't you just ask me to kiss her?
Marge: If you kissed her, that would be lovely.
Bart: I'll read! I'll read!
Homer: And kiss!
Lisa: Does anyone want my opinion?
Homer: Please, Lisa, I had eighteen martinis today.

Moe: [to Marge] Now, I gotta warn you. Even for this day and age, I'm considered a bad husband.
Homer: She's gonna marry him 'cause he wears boots instead of blackening his feet.
[he starts to cry]
Bart: Well, I'm sure the way to win her heart is to be fat and crying.
Homer: Why, thee little...!
[as he starts strangling Bart, Marge puts a hand on his shoulder]
Homer: D'oh.
Marge: Oh, don't stop. You're choking him just the way his father used to.
[opening a locket of her late husband choking Bart]
Marge: Good times. Whoo! Maybe thou wouldst make a good father.
Homer: May I escort you to the railing?
Moe: Oh, my God. Look at that hand-on-hand action. If I don't do something, soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries.
Marge: Yes, the weather is fair.
Moe: Man! That guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious!
[breaking the fourth wall]
Moe: That's how we talk. Weird, huh? Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

Krusty: As my newest personal assistant, it's your job to drive me to work and avoid anyone I've wronged on the way. There's one now! Former writing partner! Ex-wife! Dog I abandoned! Bookie! AA sponsor!

Treadmill: You look like you're close to death.
Homer: Close than you think.

Gretchen: Do you have a cell phone?
Homer: Everyone has a cell phone. Mine's at home.

Lenny: If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.
Carl: Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?
Moe: Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

Deuce: Take my hand son, it's strong from turning the can opener.
Homer: Your chili was store bought?
Deuce: I didn't say I paid for it.

Becky: I hope we didn't scare you, Marge. Bart's just filming a music video for his class project.
Lisa: And I'm directing the "making-of" video.
Marge: Oh... well, then, I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything, except you cutting my brakes.
Homer: Oh, about that. Uh, when I changed your oil, I may have drained your brake fluid. I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad.

Comic: youre mocking me oh thats rich. you are all banned banned i tell you.

Mr. Burns: [Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?

Cab: That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.
Marge: Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.
Cab: No problem-o.
[He drives away]
Butler: [the scene cuts to a shot of a Bavarian castle, and then to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] This just arrived, Herr Baron.
[Hands him the taxi bill, which he reads]
Baron: [In German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy?

Bender: Great, you guy are my new best friends!
Homer: You wish!
[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]

Mr. Burns: [Sees Homer asleep, but wearing eyepatches with eyes painted on them] Look at those wide-alert eyes. Now there's an employee with a case of the go-get'ems.
[Homer snores]
Mr. Burns: Listen to that lion's roar of determination.

Principal: Uh-oh looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth.

Ludacris: I'm the enemy of cavity / Unstoppable like gravity / So brush with regularity / And you'll avoid calamity. See you in Atlanta, GA. Dirty, dirty, dirty mouth, y'all!

Ned: I'll have a Shirley... No, a virgin... No, a children's... Oh, what the heck? You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer!

Principal: Lisa Simpson in detention? My horoscope said I would see something interesting today, but I thought that would be the horoscope itself.

Homer: [narrating] I had betrayed Mr. Burns and felt sick about it. Searching for an open grave in which to barf, I heard a horrible sound which I was strangely drawn towards.

Homer: [in international waters] There are no laws. We can do anything we want. Anything.
[Lenny runs up and starts kicking him in the shins]
Homer: Ow! Ow! Oh, real mature, Lenny.

Homer: This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

Homer: We're heading to the one place that can never decline, because it was never that great. Upstate New York!

Marge: [about Amber] Low class all the way.
Homer: Marge, could you let it go? You *won*. She's dead.

[last lines]
Mr. Ding Dong: Oh you stinking chevy.

Krusty the Clown: Round up some more donkeys. We're in the burger business again!

Krusty the Clown: A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late.

Marge: Oh my, I've been so unfair to Becky. Maybe I am insane. I mean, I am talking to myself.
Hans: [sadly] You are? Oh, I thought I made a friend.

Bart: So I did all of that for nothing?
Abraham: Sorry, I faked it like we fake loving your homemade gifts.
Bart: But mom said it was made with love.
Abraham: Did she?
Bart: No.
Abraham: But what you did wasn't for nothing. You made these last two weeks the best two weeks of this horrible part of my life.
Bart: Aw, Grampa. You're the one thing I've ever taken care of that didn't die.
Abraham: I get that a lot.

Homer: Before we begin, what's the safe word?
Demon: Cinnamon.
Homer: Oh, that's nice. Now, I'd like to try something new, if you don't mind.
Demon: Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

Moe: [as Moe wipes down the bar, he thinks of Maya and sighs sadly, then smiles] Hey, Homer was right.
Moe: [Moe walks over to a picture of himself with Maya] Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I think I can defuse the situation.
Chief: Defuse a situation? Well, there's a first time for everything.
Lisa: Can you hand me your megaphone?
Chief: Well, every police regulation says no, but you know what says yes?
Lisa: What?
Chief: Your eyes.
Lisa: Aww.

Abraham: Nothing can top an old man's romantic gesture.
Charles: [Arrives inside a gift box hauled by Smithers] Except a rich man flaunting his wealth.
Abraham: Oh, the one thing I can't compete against: competition.

Mark: Hey, pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it.
Louie: You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school.

Comic: Two ten years old running my store? What is this? Bizarro World?

Bart: You could be my father figure.
Homer: No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.

Kent: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Mr. Burns: You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay"!

Pilot: [after the plane has entered turbulence] I didn't think I would be flying today, so I was doing heroin.

Father: We can't lose Bart now that we're so close. If I do, I'll be the worst priest ever! Well, except for... you know.
[long, awkward pause. Homer coughs uncomfortably]

Marge: [When L.T. Smash wants Bart to join his boy band] Now hold on. I have some concerns.
Bart: Please, Mom. My dream is to be a rock star!
Homer: And my dream is to get rid of Bart.
Marge: But...
Homer: How many lives must you ruin?
Marge: Oh, okay.

Milhouse: I don't know if I could go a whole day without doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.

Homer: [whispering to Dunkin] When the race starts, run really fast!

Homer: Me hungry.

Miss: Three, two, one. Okay children, I've just been granted tenure, so Im gonna sit back and let Ralph teach for a while.
Ralph: Class in what year was one plus one. The answer is The amazing Ralph!
[Jumps out window]

Bart: Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.
Milhouse: Wow! Imagine his sidekick.
[Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler]
Milhouse: If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.

Stephen: I live here now. You are looking at the new owner of Little Caesars. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza...
[He repeatedly pushes a button on his speaking machine]
Stephen: Sorry, that button sticks.

Lisa: Next, making his runway debut, Bartholomew. The vest is courtesy of Nelson, and the tights are Hello Kitty.
Bart: Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew, ew, ew!

Duff: [watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!
Moe: [Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?
Duff: [Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!

Lisa: You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!
Principal: Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.
Chalmers: And not a good placemat. It's from some place called Doodles.

Homer: [after he pulls Maggie's legs off] Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs!

Agnes: Seymour! I knew this journal was a lie!
Lisa: Um, how would you know that?
Agnes: Seymour never uses semicolons. He says they make him queasy.
Principal: I don't even keep a journal. I have no inner thoughts.

Halle: And the winner is... not going to be announced until we see a lengthy clip from each short.

Marge: It's amazing how the world seems brighter with a little food in your belly!

Mr. Burns: What are you doing, Godfrey? You're a villain, not some bullet-brained rail-splitter!

Sideshow: You may think that the slide whistle is just a whistle that slides. Let me disprove you of that notion.
[Plays "Flight of the Bumblebee" on slide whistle]
Bart: Pass.
Sideshow: Do you have any idea how difficult...
Bart: Pass!
[Mel plays sad slide, then continues with "Flight of the Bumblebee]

Bart: Bart Simpson: Finally, thanks to Mrs. K, I'll know what goes on in the teachers' lounge.
Helen: Elizabeth Hoover: No, this is not a sales call. It's an opportunity to improve your life with gutter guards.
Ms. Timberwood: Ms. Timberwood: Ma'am, are you sure your family will be taken care of in case of a sinkhole?

Bart: Lower the drawbridge!
Lisa: What's the password.
Bart: [begrudgingly] I love my sister.

Penn: Because, when he...
Teller: Quiet! You talk on-stage. I talk off-stage. That was the curse the witch put on us.

Homer: The sky is blue but nobody really knows why.

Homer: [asking Reverend Lovejoy to hide him from PBS] Please help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle. I'll help with your next charity scam.
Rev. Lovejoy: The word is "drive."
Homer: Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.

Homer: I can't believe it! I'm actually running a marathon!
[clutching his chest]
Homer: Aghh! Oh, I hit the wall! This is so painful!
[feeling okay]
Homer: Hey, I got my second wind!
[clutching his chest again]
Homer: D'oh, another wall!
[feeling okay]
Homer: Whoo hoo! Third wind!

Chief: Sorry to bother you, but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a "strip-diddly-dipper"?

Homer: Do you know a way to please a woman that starts with F?
Moe: As a matter of fact, I've been reading up on this Fifty Shades of Gray, and apparently what women today want is to give her what for in the bedroom.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!
Moe: I dunno, if this is what women are into, I should be a lot more popular.

Homer: So, it's a war of the worlds
[He looks out the window into the sky]
Homer: Good thing we have the sun on our side!

Bart: Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies.
[turns on TV]

Bart: From now on, if anyone laughs at you, they're gonna have to go through me.
Homer: What about the Incredible Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Are you gonna stop him from laughing?
Bart: Is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?
Homer: Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why, he's just trying to fit in.

Giraffeapus: Hello, I'm a Giraffeapus! I'm uncomfortable in water and on land!

Homer: [singing] Mama took those batteries / She took them away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!

[last lines]
Homer: I don't need two kidneys.
[probing Bart's kidney]
Homer: I've got everything I need right here.
Bart: Hey, you're tickling me!
Bart: Yeeees... tickling.

Homer: [blood on wind shield] Stupid horse, it's a deer crossing!

Bart: [after the plant opens] Man, the plant cut one!

Bart: [after Lisa and Homer fall of the Duff blimp] There's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp, or this airship.

Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, you have a talent for killing celebrities.
Homer: Well, I'm no drunk driving.

Comic: Stop right there! I have the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Comic: [Sarcastically] Yeah. Everyone's *real* happy then.
Lindsey: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Professor: [Looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding me? This baby is off the charts!
Comic: [Extremely sarcastic] Oh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a *real* useful invention!
[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

Ned: Homer, could you please turn off the camera?
Homer: If you ask me like Dracula.
Ned: Homer...
Homer: Please, please, please?
Ned: Blah!
Homer: [shoots video] That's going on StupidFlanders.org.

Snake: Give me my car, fatty!
Homer: What? This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!
Snake: Right.
[they start fighting over the steering wheel]

Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.

Lindsey: Hello, I'm your customer service rep, Lindsey Neagle.
Marge: We've met you many times, Ms. Neagle. Why do you keep changing jobs?
Lindsey: I'm a sexual predator.
Marge: Oh.
Lindsey: Now, how may I best dispense with you today?
Marge: We've been charged for calls to Brazil that we didn't make.
Homer: We are not paying this bill.
Lindsey: Fine. I'll cut off your service.
Homer: Fine. I'll cut off your ponytail.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: [quietly] Marge, it's called negotiating.

Carl: Capital City has a twin?
Lenny: It moved to California to become a star, but it just ended up turning into Glendale.

Bart: [from "Untitled Transformers Parody"] Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.
Lisa: Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.
Bart: Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.
[Bart burps into Lisa's stocking]

Ned: Marge, you know I thought I was Springfield's Wing Ding King, but you make my chicken look like cock-a-diddily-doo-doo!

Homer: [after giving the pilot the money] Sempher Fudge.
Pilot: Did you just say Sempher Fudge?
Homer: No I said the right thing.

Homer: [while hunting] Heeere, turkey turkey turkey . Tuuuuurkey turkey turkey turkey turkey. Nobody's gonna kill you!

Homer: This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!

Mr. Burns: [Catches Homer in his office] Who are you?
Homer: Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: Oh, sorry, Mr. Burns. I won't trouble you again.

Homer: I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavour?
Squishy: Sure.
Homer: Grape.

Homer: And check these out.
Bart: VIP passes!
Homer: Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?