1000 Best Frasier Quotes

Martin: I still don't know how it happened. I lobbed it right to him.
Niles: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing the Crane boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.

Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Frasier, thank you so much for dinner.
Daphne: Yes, it was wonderful.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It was my pleasure. Dad, don't you have something to add?
Martin: [as he sits] I already said thank you for dinner. What am I supposed to do, get down on my knees and kowtow to your fancy-ass American Express card?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I was referring to the gift we have for them.
Martin: Oh! Right, I forgot about that. Yeah, and thanks for dinner, Fraizh, it really was excellent. I didn't think I'd like beef cheeks.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes! Dad, give them the gift.
[Martin gives them the gift]
Daphne: This is so exciting, our first wedding present.
[Niles opens it]
Daphne: It's a silver picture frame!
Dr. Niles Crane: Beautiful.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And nota bene, it's been engraved with today's date in order to commemorate your wedding date until your real gift arrives.
Daphne: It's very sweet. Thank you Mr. Crane and Dr. Crane.
Martin: Well, you can't call us that anymore. We're family now.
Daphne: [Realizing] So we are.
[she turns to face Fraiser]
Daphne: Well, thank you... Frasier. Oh, that feels strange.
[Daphne and Frasier share a laugh as he kisses her on the cheek]
Daphne: [she stands up at the same time Martin does] And thank you...
Daphne: Martin/Dad.
Daphne: Dad.
Martin: Or Martin. Whatever makes you comfortable.
Daphne: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.
[Daphne kisses Martin on the cheek as they hug]
Martin: Don't mention it.

Frasier: [Eddie stares at him] Must he stare at me all day?
Martin: I don't know, I'll ask him. Eddie, must you?
[Eddie keeps staring]
Martin: Apparently, he must.

Frasier: Oh, go ahead and laugh. It still doesn't shake my belief in the basic goodness of people.
Martin: But sure. He's probably using your car to deliver hot meals to shut-ins.

Frasier: Well, I'm afraid I'm not very well connected in the Doo-Wop world, Dad. If there's ever a "Mahler-palooza," I'm your man.

Dr. Frasier Crane: They have the nerve to call it a day spa. It's nothing more than a front for a bona fide luxury spa which taunts those kept at bay outside it's golden door.
Martin: If you didn't go in, how do you know it was better?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It had to be. The door was gold. Ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver.
Dr. Niles Crane: Stupid silver.

Niles: [demonstrating word association] Crescent... moon... Daphne Moon... French maid... brass bed... satin robe...
Frasier: This is my dream.
Niles: I was just showing you the process.
Frasier: You were three words away from a cigarette!

[Niles gets complimentary basketball tickets]
Niles: Tell me, does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
Roz: If one wants to get the crap beaten out of one!

Niles: Well in honor of what happened today, a toast to winging it.What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead. Just enjoying the way that path wends and... and what it looks like and... and where it goes off to a...
Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast.

Dr. Niles Crane: [to Mel] I'll see you at "Schwanda der Dudelsackpfeifer!"

Frasier: You fell asleep with your cheek against the ice tray.
Niles: Oh that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.

Donny: Anybody else want something from the bar?
[to the bartender]
Donny: Uh, Scotch, rocks.
Daphne: Donny, it's barely noon!
Donny: Isn't that when your mom said she'd be here?
Daphne: Give him a double.

Frasier: You know Roz, if you're stuck, my dad's going to San Francisco for the weekend. You can always stay with me.
Roz: Wow, that would sure make things easier.
[quick]
Roz: Okay.
Frasier: [surprised] Well then, that's settled. That's that, then.
Roz: [realizes] Oh, you were just being polite, you didn't really mean for me to take you up on it.
Frasier: [covering] No, no, no, no. I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't something I wanted to do. You should know that.
Roz: All right.
Waitress: [brings coffee and bill] Here you go. There's your check.
Roz: I'll get that.
Frasier: No, no, no, let me get that.
Roz: Okay.
Frasier: [She hands it to him] Well then, lucky me - I'm getting everything I want today.

Martin: Well, I'm sure glad you two patched things up. You know, Duke and I go back a long way. I got a lot of friends, but there's somethin' I get from Duke that I don't get from anybody else.
Frasier: Seahawks tickets.

[last lines]
Frasier: Well, it was great meeting you. Oh, would you like me to leave the light on or off?
Norman: [who's blind] Surprise me.

Frasier: The people of Dad's generation would sit around the radio every night, absolutely mesmerized.
Martin: We were a simple people.

Niles: Your boorish behavior is simply appalling! I can no longer hold my tongue!
Frasier: Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you! You're drunk, Niles!
Niles: Drunk like a fox!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Think of what Freud said, "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."

Dr. Frasier Crane: Honestly Dad, when will you learn to take a hint?
Martin: I can't take a hint? Couldn't you see that Niles wanted to talk to you?
[the elevator doors open as Frasier and Martin get on. Mrs. Richman is already on the elevator, presumably headed to the basement]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [continuing the conversation with Martin] Well, whatever it is, it can wait
Martin: Oh, yeah! No big deal, he just got married, that's all!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [stunned] What?
Martin: He eloped with Mel yesterday.
Mrs. Richman: Poor Daphne...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Would you please keep out of this, Mrs. Richman?
[to Martin]
Dr. Frasier Crane: We have got to get back up there.
[Frasier presses a button]
Martin: We're going to the basement.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't wait that long!
[the elevator door opens on a lower floor. Frasier rushes out of the elevator and up the stairs, leaving Martin behind]

Dr. Niles Crane: How's it going?
Frasier: Well, let me see, what have you missed? Clint told us about how he learned to fly a plane, and then he recited a sonnet and, oh yes, he fixed my ice machine and he invented a new drink; the "Pink Webber!" I've got Daphne drawing a bath right now; in case the party starts to lag, we can invite him to walk on water, liven things up a bit.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You met him on a bus, didn't you?
Roz: No, actually we shared a cab... alright, he was driving it.

Daphne: [Frasier is having a hysterical breakdown] Well don't blame this on me! She brought the bloody tape over!
Roz: Oh, so this is all my fault? You saw that tape!
Daphne: I've seen your baby too, she could stand to miss a meal or two!
Roz: She's a healthy baby!

[Frasier is playing the piano when the doorbell rings. He stops playing,: the last moment of solitude. Then, he opens the door]
Frasier: [upbeat] Hi!
[laughs]
Frasier: [Niles enters, carrying two suitcases]
Niles: We finally made it!
[Martin follows Niles inside]
Frasier: Ah Dad, Dad, welcome to your new home!
[Frasier hugs Martin, who does not reciprocate and looks less than thrilled]
Frasier: You look great.
Martin: Don't B.S. me, I do not look great. I spent Monday on the bathroom floor. You can still see the tile marks on my face.
[Martin takes a seat on the couch]
Niles: [to Frasier] Gives you some idea about the ride over in the car.

[Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]
Gil: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: [picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.
Gil: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep. So who are you supposed to be?
Gil: Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.
Martin: Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after insulting his date] Please don't go. Child development is not my thing. My specialty is adult relations.
Kristina: Well, you won't be having any of those tonight.

Martin: Oh, his son is worried he's not gonna get his hands on his father's fortune. Boy, the minute a man starts getting up there, his kids start making plans to divvy up his stuff.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, you'll be pleased to know that Niles and I have decided to give all your things to charity. We're donating your clothes to the blind.

[Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolized]
Roz: Well, why don't you go over and introduce yourself?
Niles: I can't just walk up to a god like that.
Roz: Well, find a subtler way.
Niles: In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

Frasier: Did you finally find a date?
Niles: I asked Maris.
Frasier: Just how the hell did this happen?
Niles: Well, I was desperate for a date, and I knew Maris would be lonely this time of year. It's cruise season, she never partakes. She has an absolute terror of buffets.

[Niles enters the cafe with a shopping bag]
Frasier: The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.
Niles: I just discovered it! Apparently, there are a number of them.
Frasier: [suspicious] And what did you buy there?
Niles: Oh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase...
Frasier: That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!

Dr. Niles Crane: You know Brewster Cale? The pompous twit who is the president of our wine club? Well, at our meeting the other night I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists to play a little prank on him. When he thought he was tasting the Chateau Petrus, he was in fact sipping a Forcas Dupres. You see, we'd switched the labels.
[laughs at the farce]
Frasier: What scamps you are!
Dr. Niles Crane: There he was, proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine and of course none of us could contain our laughter.
Frasier: His face must have turned redder than a Piechoné Logeavie!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello. I'd like to return this purse.
Saleswoman: I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I'm not married at the moment.
Saleswoman: Girlfriend?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, no, no girlfriend either, in fact I don't have time to go into all my other non-existent relationships, it was a gift for a friend.
Saleswoman: Ah, well, perhaps your
[suggestively]
Saleswoman: FRIEND would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen.
Dr. Frasier Crane: This really was a gift, and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicize it!

Bulldog: Roz, you just missed the classic prank of all time. I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
Roz: Oh, who, who? Who'd you get?
Kenny: [entering] There he is!
Bulldog: I got this friend down at the impound lot, who came across a smashed-up BMW, same make and model as Frasier's.
Roz: You didn't! You got Frasier! Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage, the wreck went in its place.
Kenny: The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First he started swearing, and then he implored the heavens, and just when his lip started trembling, Bulldog comes out, tells him it's all a prank.
Bulldog: Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides, I got the whole thing on tape.

Dr. Frasier Crane: What is your point?
Professor: My point is that at the age of eight--at eight--you began to use psychiatry as a way to deal with a world that scared you to death. And this lifetime achievement award has made you realize that your career is finite. And once it's gone, all you'll have left is that frightened eight-year-old boy.

Carlos: Buenos noches. Habla espanol?
Roz: Uh, not really.
Carlos: Is no matter. I am sure you are schooled in the... international language.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!

Daphne: This weather doesn't help, does it. The heat gets inside you. It makes you so aware of your body. It's like nature's way of letting you know you're still an animal.
Niles: God, it's hot in here.

Leonard: [on the phone/on the air] ... now I'm afraid to go outside at all. I haven't seen another person in eight months.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Leonard, it sounds like you may have a very serious condition known as agoraphobia, but you're not alone.
Leonard: But I am alone, Dr. Crane.

Martin: Come on, Fraze, Abby isn't the first lawyer to pad a bill.
Frasier: Well, maybe not, but you know, Abby is not that kind of lawyer.
Martin: What world are you living in? They're all that kind of lawyer.
Frasier: I admit $4000 does seem rather high for phone consultations. Who the hell is she talking to?
Martin: All her friends, bragging about the new sucker she's got on the hook.

Roz: Kenny came down today and said if you don't get a call, you're fired.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well I wouldn't worry, we're bound to get a call.
Roz: Really? Because we haven't had one in six months.
[reveals the booth is covered in cobwebs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh dear God!
[phone rings]
Dr. Frasier Crane: What's that?
Roz: It's the phone!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [picks up phone] Hello caller, I'm listening.
[ringing continues]
Roz: Not that phone, in there!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [runs into the booth where dozens of phones are on the counter, grabs them frantically] Hello? I'm listening!
Roz: The black one!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, I'm listening!
Roz: Hurry! They're gonna hang up!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, I'm listening!
Roz: [dressed as Thelma & Louise with a Texas drawl holding a steering wheel] If you don't find that phone, I'm gonna drive this booth off a cliff!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [struggling with switchboard, near tears] I'm TRYING TO LISTEN!

Frasier: [Bulldog suggests his friend Maxine for a role in Frasier's play] Well, does she have any experience?
Bulldog: Are you kidding? If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage... oh, wait a minute, she does.

Dr. Niles Crane: Oh come on, Schnookums. We can get through this together.
Daphne: What did you just call me?
Dr. Niles Crane: Schnookums.
Daphne: Schnookums.
Dr. Niles Crane: It was an attempt at a pet name.
Daphne: Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep looking?
Dr. Niles Crane: Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... Truffles.
[awkward pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's the chocolate, not the fungus.
[another pause]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a work in progress.
Daphne: Yes.

Daphne: How did the scattering go? Any problems?
Niles: Nothing out of the ordinary.
[takes off his shoe and pours out ashes]

Niles: [to Gunnar] All right, fine, you want to challenge me? En garde!
Frasier: Oh yes, Niles, that's just what we need, a fourth language!

Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day; the two of us, tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was 13 before I realized cows aren't blurry.

Dr. Niles Crane: She invited me to join her for lunch; we hit it off. The next night, I took her to dinner, one thing led to another, and soon, there was no further need for words.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Except for your frantically babbled thank-yous.

Frasier: Frasier Crane has thumped his last melon.

Daphne: [about Irene's son] Is he the breached birth?
Martin: No that's the other one.
Daphne: Oh yeah, the one with the wife who won't ever let him visit. I can't stand her.

Frasier: [Referring to Lilith] Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing like that. The woman plays me like a lute.
[...]
Frasier: Look at me, I've got all the resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you got to help me through this...
[...]
Frasier: Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith.
Niles: All right, all right. Let me think, let me think. I think I have the answer.
[...]
Niles: When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellent you'll be incapable of any sexual desire. And... remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm? We found that dead horse lying in the hot sun crawling with maggots?
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course.
Niles: Hold on to that picture. You can ride that horse to safety.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles. I think that might just do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.

[last lines]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh... say, uh, do you play pool?
Lisa: [finding the question strange] No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [beguiled] Neither do I. Hi, my name is Frasier.
Lisa: [He offers his hand. Lisa takes it]
[equally delighted]
Lisa: Hi!

Phil: Damn it! How did you find me?
Frasier: Well, a certain Denise called the station today. She had to cancel your little rendezvous.
Phil: Great, and I put on my best suit.
Frasier: No, you put on my best suit.
Phil: Well, I guess this is it. Party's over. I'm so stupid. You probably want to call the police, huh?
Frasier: No. What I would like to do is throttle you 'till your eyes shoot across the room like champagne corks! But I won't, because this is still a civilzed world, but it won't be for long if you lowlifes have your way, because with every wallet you steal, you put bars on someone else's windows! With every purse you snatch, you put mace on another key chain! Every day, you make our lives a little less livable and I hope that burns on your conscience! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Phil: You're right.
Frasier: Oh, oh, oh, I see. I see. You think by agreeing with me, I'll let you off the hook.
Phil: No. I'm saying you're right. I'm not trying to weasel out of this. I'm guilty, and I deserve what I get. Look. Here's your keys. The car's out front with your briefcase in it. Here.
[handing him a cell phone]
Phil: Go ahead and call the police. That's your new car phone, by the way. I upgraded. Well, I should have known things were gonna turn out like this for me.
Frasier: Oh, yes, here it comes, yes. The old sob story. "Daddy didn't love me. Mother ignored me. The bully next door stole my baseball glove."
Phil: No. Dad loved me, mom spoiled me, and I *was* the bully next door.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, it's not like I did this on purpose, I'm part of a huge investment group.
Martin: You know, I don't get it. You guys stood there and watched me and my friends get all weepy and you didn't say anything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, what did you want us to say? "Say fellas, here's something ironic..."

John: How is Niles, anyway?
Frasier: Ah, er... ah, he's abroad now.
John: Really? Whoa, that must have hurt.

Niles: Well, were you seriously considering playing couple's therapist with Dad and that woman, after we just got rid of her?
Frasier: I have no intention in repairing the rift. God, last night for the first time in months I wasn't jolted awake at 2:00 AM by her rousing rendition of "Foggy Mountain Breakdown"!

[Frasier is in a booth, trying to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Just a hint...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do *by myself*, this is it!

Roz: They're taking us off the air.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, since when?
Roz: Well while you were out looking for Gatorade to pour over yourself, Kenny stopped by and said we're off the air for a week.

Frasier: [with feigned enthusiasm] To the park!
Martin: This time we'll comb every inch of that place. Every tree, every bush... uh, Daphne, we're gonna need more help, so call Niles and tell him we'll pick him up.
Frasier: Oh, yes, wouldn't want to go out in the wilds without one of the world's great outdoorsmen!

Martin: Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!

[Niles and Roz share a late-night coffee at the cafe]
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not going to be very good company tonight.
Roz: Well, whatever your problems are, you'll laugh at them when you hear what I've been through. I had a date tonight. I got halfway down my driveway when he called me on my car phone and cancelled. I was too humiliated to go back in the house and face the sitter, so - don't ask me why - I went to the zoo. You really want to feel good about yourself? Put on your best outfit and walk through the monkey house on a Saturday night. And be sure and stop by and see Remo the baboon, who knows all kinds of ways to have fun without a date. Feeling better about your problem?
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne and Donny got engaged yesterday.
Roz: Oh my God...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, and lucky me, I had to sit there and watch, horrified. There wasn't a thing I could to do stop it. Much like your monkey house experience.
Roz: I'm so sorry, Niles. You really did have a worse night than I did.
Noel: Hey Roz!
Roz: Wait, I'm gaining on you.

Charlie: None of the other guards has any trouble with my dad. Maybe your dad needs to toughen up a little.
Dr. Frasier Crane: My father fought in Korea.
Charlie: Did he? Or did you fight the Koreans for him?

Frasier: Oh, Lilith, that dress is stunning.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: It's from a new couture line called "Encore."
Frasier: Oh. Well... *Bravo*. I can almost feel the curtain rising.

Colette: May I help you?
Roz: Non-fat capp... Haven't seen you before. I'm Roz, this is Frasier.
Colette: Colette.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, your mother was a fan of the great French novelist and raconteur Sidonie-Gabriel Colette!
Colette: [going along] Okay.

[Frasier has offered to take Daphne out to get her mind off her troubles, but she has declined]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sure you won't change your mind?
Daphne: Positive.
[Simon comes back from walking Eddie]
Simon: Hello! We've just finished our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket for tonight then?
Daphne: All I want is a quiet evening at home.
Simon: Oh, Stilts, you and I are of one mind. I'll hoist a beer while you get dinner started. And then when our bellies are full and you've done the dishes, we will adjourn to the Winnebago, where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme, the "Muscles From Brussels" will ply his trade against the forces of evil.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ready at eight?
Daphne: Make it seven-thirty.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So your heart should be brimming with motherly emotion!
Aunt: When I find out who bent this skewer, I'm ramming it right in his eye!

Frasier: What truffles are to pigs so are these charlatans and pettifoggers to my mental acuity!

Daphne: I haven't had this much fun in the kitchen since your brother caught his tie in the pasta machine.

Frasier: Okay sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe.
[bangs a cymbal]
Frasier: You're on the air.
Mike: This is Mike. I wanted to talk to Bulldog but you'll do. So what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?
Frasier: Are you speaking of the frothy musical adaptation, or the baseball team of which I know nothing?
Mike: What a weenie!
[hangs up]
Frasier: Doesn't that take me back?

Daphne: [in flashback, talking to Frasier] I don't know how you put up with him.
Niles: [cut to present time in a shrink's office] Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that!
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind!

Roz: Hey, Frasier! Nancy, hi!
Nancy: Hi!
Roz: So, are you back to work yet?
Nancy: Almost, I start at KNFS tomorrow.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Roz, Nancy and I are having coffee.
Roz: Oh, none for me, thanks.
[to waitress]
Roz: Listen, can I have a fat-free muffin, please? Nancy, I have been dying to call you. My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for you!
Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Roz: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck. He is so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Kindly leave him there. You see, the person that Nancy is seeing is me.
Roz: Really? You two are dating?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Even as we speak!
Roz: Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Well, good for you! I mean, who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck?
[she gets up]
Roz: When my muffin gets here, could you send it over?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You won't even see it coming.

Bulldog: [on the phone] I'll never forget you either, Sandy... Linda? Really? I thought I was talking to your sister. Oh well, tell her same goes.
[hangs up]

Frasier: Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes.
Niles: Now the pressure's on me to find the perfect place for her to rest for eternity. I haven't the faintest idea what to do with her.
Martin: Why don't you just flush her down the toilet.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, you can't do that.
Martin: Why not, she loved water.

Daphne: Besides, nobody could've had as horrendous an evening as I did. I got stood up. At a bat mitzvah! I waited there an hour. Oh, he left some lame excuse on the machine, but if he thinks he's got another chance with me, he's meshugge!

[Donny has a divorce case in which a dumpster tycoon is cheating]
Niles: That is so depressing. You expect this sort of behavior from a mattress king, but we ask more of our dumpster royalty.

Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but the station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Dr. Frasier Crane: It's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.
Dr. Niles Crane: Not true, not true, that's really what I wanted to tell you. Maris and I are back on the expressway to love! Well, if not the expressway, then at least the on-ramp.

Martin: [talking about a plane crash] The last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!

Frasier: Oh, Daphne, listen, call me Frasier. I don't want people to know that you work for me, all right? If they ask, we've been dating for six months.
Daphne: [laughs] Alright, Frasier. Anything else, Frasier? Now, are we in love, or is this just a physical thing, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, now just stop that!

Niles: [hyperventilating] I can't do this! I'm telling her a new lie every time I open my mouth!
Martin: Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It's called marriage!

Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.

Daphne: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well...
Dr. Frasier Crane: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne: [takes Niles's hand] And what about Niles' dignity?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
[laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sorry, Niles.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, splendid idea, Roz, Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Claire?
Martin: Oh, I don't think she's got time.
Daphne: I'll ask her. Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one.

Dr. Frasier Crane: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Martin: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that a good sign?
Roz: Hello? She might as well have cat-roped you with her pantyhose!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Overbearing, as if!

[repeated line]
Frasier: Oh dear God!

Roz: You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops...
Dr. Niles Crane: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Frasier: You're a psychiatrist, you know what it's like to listen to people prattling on endlessly about their mundane lives.
Niles: Touche. And on that subject, I heard your show today.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there... gone! Daphne... gone! If I let him have Christmas, I'll have nothing left. Just end up some... doddering old bachelor sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy seventy-eight degrees.
Roz: And how is that different from now?

Jason: You know, my mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.
Gertrude: So does my son-in-law.
Jason: I know where we can find some crickets.
Gertrude: No! Now, we should do as we're told, and start cleaning up.
Jason: [sighs] Okay.
Gertrude: That way, they won't be expecting it!

Niles: [Niles helped Frasier to a chair] All comfy?
Frasier: Niles, this won't do. It's even harder than a seat on a public bus.
Niles: Oh when were you ever on a bus.
Frasier: At a cocktail party once for the Friends of Transit.

Niles: Frasier, look, it's my puppies! Oh, I've missed you. Hello, Gestalt! Hello, Gerhardt!
Frasier: Niles, don't they look just a bit agitated to you?
Niles: Well, that's because they're excited to see that the Lord has returned to the manor. Hello, boys!
[He starts to open the door and the dogs begin snarling; he quickly closes the door]
Niles: Oh my God. She hasn't changed the locks. She changed the dogs!

Dr. Niles Crane: Excuse me, excuse me, the lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in?
Waiter: No sir, but she did ask me to give you a message.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
[waiter splashes another glass of champagne in Nile's face]
Dr. Niles Crane: Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her?

Martin: You kids used to love eating there. You'd scream out at me, "Dad, pull over, quick, pull over!"
Frasier: Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.

Frasier: [to Niles] I'm so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are!

Frasier: Did anyone see you?
Gil: Several people. Hans, the German butler.
Mel: [German voice:] Ja, I saw zee gentleman.
Frasier: Stop! That's wonderful, Mel. But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
Mel: I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage!
Frasier: Yes, well perhaps they have different standards than I have.

Roz: Between spending my days with you and my nights with Alice, I've forgotten what a real conversation is like.
Frasier: Well, don't tell Alice that, it might hurt her feelings.

Frasier: Hiya, Dad.
Martin: Oh, Fras. You'll love this stuff I got from the farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of filet mignon, slices it real thin and makes jerky out of it.
Frasier: Look Dad, I don't...
[Martin throws it into his mouth, you can tell he is disgusted]
Frasier: Yes, if only I had a nice powdered Cabernet to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought to Daphne's wedding present?
Martin: Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage? You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people used to put stickers on to show everybody where they've been. Remember your grandad's? His whole life was on it: Topeka, Sioux Falls, Biloxi... it was like a map of the world.
Frasier: What a loss to us all that he failed to write his memoirs.

[At his apartment, Frasier is filming a political ad for Phil Patterson. Frasier is sitting in a chair facing towards the balcony, then slowly turns around to face the camera]
Frasier: Oh, hello there. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Many of you know me from my radio show, but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen.
[standing up]
Frasier: As a mental health expert, I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say. I like the way his mind works. He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people. That's why I'm proud to say that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
[Phil Patterson walks up to Frasier and shakes his hand]
Phil: Thanks, Frasier.
[facing camera]
Phil: Together, we can live the dream.
Frasier: Phil Patterson: the sane choice.

Rita: I am about to lose my mind. I am raising four kids by myself. The oldest one is not even seven and the other three are all under five. Between cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and tripping over toys, I... I feel sometimes like I am about to snap. What should I do?
Frasier: Have you considered getting a puppy?

Frank: I raised some eagle hatchlings when their mother was killed by a hunter and now we're going to go release them in the wild.
Roz: How can you tell when it's time?
Charlotte: Well, one of them ate his landlord's cat.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, if they're still hungry, my dad has a dog.

Dr. Niles Crane: [sees the cabin door open] Oh! Why don't we just send engraved invitations to ALL the bugs in the forest?
[closes the door]

Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Frasier, It could be a thoracic strain!
Daphne: or a bulging disc!
Regan: Yes, impinging on your lumbar nerve!
Frasier: Yes. It could easily be any one of those things. But, did you also consider that it might be the stripper chained to my wrist?
Daphne: Officer Nasty!

Frasier: Can I take your cello?
Laura: I checked my cello, this is my purse... I think that's funny, why doesn't anybody laugh at that?

Dr. Niles Crane: [to Roz] They're not going to see Donny, because you're going to invite him to watch the sunset down by the lake, you're going to continue to work his charms on him, and then you're going to invite him out to dinner, and who knows where that'll lead?
[laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, what am I saying, we both know where that'll lead!

[Martin, Frasier, and Niles are excited to attend "The Antiques Roadshow"'s appearance in Seattle]
Martin: Yeah, I'm going to go and have a little root around in our closet. I bet I can find a nice little objet d'art they'd be interested in.
[He exits, leaving Frasier and Niles stunned by his correct French pronunciation]
Dr. Niles Crane: It's as if that panhandler I gave money to was a genie granting all my wishes.
Daphne: Would you marry me in this?
[Daphne enters wearing Donny's mother's wedding dress, which looks like it belongs on a go-go dancer. Niles nearly faints]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [whispers] How much did you give him?

Niles: There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to, but I won the coin toss.
Frasier: Yes, what is it?
Niles: Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen, and he told me he's interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, BUT the object of his affections is not Daphne.
Frasier: Damn that Roz!
Niles: No, no. It's YOU.
Frasier: Me? That's impossible. Tom's not gay.
Niles: He seems to be under that impression.
Frasier: Well... what on earth could have made him think that I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theater, and men's fashions - oh, my god. Niles, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss. You, of all people, should know the pitfalls of an office relationship.
Frasier: Yes, but you know, he didn't say anything. He just never mentioned the fact that...
Niles: I'll call you tomorrow, but not too early, of course.

[Roz suggests that Martin move in with Niles]
Roz: Niles's place is so huge, and he's at work all the time.
Martin: Yeah, that's true. And Maris is out of the picture now...
Roz: You know what? I just thought of something. For a while there your daughters-in-law were Maris and Lilith. Whoa, Happy Thanksgiving!

Daphne: [Frasier answers the door and Daphne is standing there with her hand down her blouse] Oh, hello. Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin. I'm Daphne, Daphne Moon.

Dr. Niles Crane: [pouting while laying down on Frasier's couch] Frasier, I want to go home.

Frasier: Talk to me.
Roz: I don't even know where to start. Everything in my life is about to change. My body, my love life...
Frasier: Yes. But it's also going to change in fantastic ways. I remember the first night I brought Frederick home from the hospital. You put this tiny thing into a tiny little bed and you look around and realize that the entire house has changed.

Marie: I don't know when I've had such a delicious meal. You really made this yourself?
Frasier: Well, yes. A little something I call "Crane Brulee."

Dr. Nora Fairchild: Alright, let's get right to our first caller. Whom do we have?
George: We have Jenny from Tacoma on line one.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Hello Jenny, I'm Dr. Nora and I'm here to help.
Jenny: Hi Dr. Nora, my boyfriend and I have been living together for about two years.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Are you having sex?
Jenny: Our sex life's not the problem, Miss, it's great, but whenever I mention marriage he changes the subject. Do you think that he's afraid of commitment?
Dr. Nora Fairchild: No, that's not it. Let me help you see this from a different perspective: you're a whore, Jenny.
Jenny: [gasps] Huh?
Dr. Nora Fairchild: You're sleeping with a man you're not married to, in my book that's a whore.
Jenny: Well I'm- I'm not a whore! I'm a flight attendant!
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Oh, you think there's no overlap?
[she laughs smugly]
Roz: [listening from the hall] Well, she's got her jitters under control.
Dr. Nora Fairchild: Wake up, Jenny, you have blown it. Dump this creep. Find a new guy and until you're Mrs. New Guy you keep those knees together, okay? Staple 'em! I don't care if you have to hop to the altar!
[she laughs again]
Dr. Nora Fairchild: God bless, honey! Who's next?

Martin: Now, you know, Fras', I know you're always looking for an explanation for everything but sometimes there isn't one.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah, I know Dad. It's gonna just drive me crazy. You know, until I know why it ended, I'll just assume it was any number of things about me. My self confidence will be shattered.
Martin: Well, you've got two choices here. You can spend days trying to figure it out until it drives you nuts or you can do the smart thing, make a clean break, never talk to her again, and get on with your life.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [pause] You're right, Dad, that's exactly what I should do. Thank you.
Martin: No problem.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, sometimes you're very insightful.
Martin: Well, I've been around the block a few times.
[pause]
Martin: So, when are you going to go talk to her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right after my waffles.

Dr. Niles Crane: Hey Frasier, am I dressed appropriately for something called "Bananarama?"
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're in Armani, who could object?

Roz: You come over here acting all sympathetic, but you're still the same old horny, low-class slimeball you've always been!
Bulldog: Hey, before you say something that ends up offending me, look, all I wanted to ask you is if you'd be interested in producing my show.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [answering his phone] Hello? Niles, you're forty minutes late! Listen, I've just finished my third basket of bread, and there is an angry mob breathing down my neck. What? Oh, you've torn your trouser cuff, I'm so sorry. For God's sakes, will you hurry it up! More hemming, less hawing!

Dr. Frasier Crane: This is heaven, right here and now. Why do we have to think about someplace else?
Dr. Niles Crane: This is only heaven for the people who can't get into the real heaven. The platinum heaven.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Regan Shaw, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Dr. Niles Crane,71269: [awkwardly at the same time] Hello.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [noticing] Do you two know each other?
Dr. Niles Crane,71269: [At the same time] No/Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well. I'll just go get us all some coffee, and you two can decide if you know each other or not.

Frasier: That unprofessional hack. All he did was give a bottle full of horse tranquilizers, didn't care about getting to the root of the problem. He just wanted to shut me up.
Niles: I think it might be time for one of those pills.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, the man's amazing. He has the musical panache of Leonard Bernstein and the nose of a Tuscan truffle hog.

Martin: [Jerome has threatened Frasier into recommending Brandi agree to marriage] Listen, I've heard your show. One more piece of half-assed advice isn't going to kill you.

Frasier: Bulldog, is there nothing I can say to appeal to your sense of decency?
Bulldog: Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced.

Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Niles, we are not calling Aunt Vivian.
Dr. Niles Crane: Why? Are you scared you'll find out something you don't want to know?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. That she knows where I live and she still drives.

Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her
[Maris]
Niles: this weekend. It'll be a costume ball - with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons!

Martin: [Entering the apartment] Hey, Daph.
[No response from Daphne]
Martin: What's wrong? Are you all right?
Daphne: Well, actually no. I overheard something I wasn't supposed to hear. It's about Dr. Crane. I overheard him say he's in love with me.
Martin: What?
Daphne: And he wants to show me how much he loves me while he still has the chance.
Martin: Oh, jeez, not this!
Daphne: You knew about this?
Martin: I'm not getting in the middle of this!
Daphne: Then it's true?
Martin: Look, I kept my mouth shut for six years, I'm not saying anything now.
[Martin heads towards the kitchen]
Daphne: Six years? He's felt this way for six years?
Martin: You didn't hear that from me!

Martin: They had this one great exhibit where you climb into this boat, you put on a life jacket, and they simulate what it's like to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.
Frasier: [Niles enters looking seasick] Good Lord! Niles, why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that?
Dr. Niles Crane: I didn't. I dined at the snack bar.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, Bebe. However did you land Dr. Phil?
Bebe: We met about a year ago at a charity donkey basketball game.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Donkey basketball?
Bebe: Texas, darling. It's like the symphony to them.

Roz: [to Rick] When I get married it's going to be to somebody I'm in love with, and somebody who's in love with me.
[Rick tries to speak]
Roz: And somebody who can legally drink champagne at our wedding.

Niles: [sees Roz with her date] Oh look, look that must be Roz's coffee companion. Wow! He's really handsome, isn't he?
Frasier: "Wow"? Did you say "Wow"?
Niles: Good Lord, I did. I've never said "Wow" when describing another man before. I wonder if that means something.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Oh, absolutely. It means you're a gay man. Your life with Maris was a charade and you should have come out of the closet years ago. Are you going to tell Dad or shall I?
[They laugh]

Frasier: [Niles and Daphne fight and make up] Niles, what was that all about?
Niles: I'm not sure, but oh, MOMMA, it was glorious! Blood pounding, sarcastic zingers flying!
Frasier: Are you saying you enjoyed fighting with Daphne?
Niles: Every exhilerating moment was pure unbridled passion! I think I still have some of her spittle on my forehead! Oh why did Dad ever tell us not to fight with girls? It's wonderful!

Roz: Oh, Daphne, it's okay, it's okay; everything's gonna be fine.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I know you're in hell right now, but, in just about twenty minutes comes the disconnecting of the ventilator and the extubation. You can see it all in the diagram on page 24 -
Daphne: He's not a diagram! He's my husband! And he's on a table with his chest cut open! I'm sorry if I can't handle this as well as the rest of you, but I'm terrified.
Roz: Daphne, it's okay; just calm down. I mean, when all this is over we're just gonna -
Daphne: There is no "when this is over"! There's no tomorrow, no next week, no next year - there's *nothing* until he comes out of there and I know he's okay!

Daphne: Donny, after seeing you at the restaurant last night, I want you to know I'm worried about you.
Donny: Okay, this is about Nancy?
Daphne: I'm sure she's a lovely person. And I probably have no right saying this, but I hope you're not rushing into anything.
Donny: Uh, look, Daphne...
Daphne: I know, I know. I'm way out of line here. But, I still care what happens to you. Take the time to get to know each other. Believe me, you'll be glad you did when the day comes you finally do get married.
[Nancy comes up in a white outfit and carrying a bouquet]
Daphne: Well, what do you know, it's here.

Dr. Niles Crane: [upon tasting Petyr's Beluga caviar] It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

Roz: We have Marianne on line four. She's concerned about her daughter.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on air] Hello Marianne, I'm listening.
Marianne: Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, as we try to forget the image that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne?
Marianne: Well, two days ago, Judy, my twenty-two year old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules.
Marianne: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But... are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sex. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my 63-year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered that he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. The entire episode completely unnerved me. Why? Because I had never thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always just plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed of the hereditary Crane good looks. I suppose what I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne?
Marianne: Sorry, Dr. Crane, I've gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room.
[hangs up]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, as Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages.

Niles: Maris and I will be over forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.
Frasier: Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

Niles: The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
Niles: You mean, boudoir wise?
Frasier: For starters, yeah.
Niles: Like how?
Frasier: Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.

Frasier: [quoting "Maude Müller" by J.G. Whittier] "For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."

Professor: [Professor Tewksbury is having Frasier diagnose himself as if he were a caller] On line one, we have Frasier Crane from Seattle.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Dr. Crane. I love your show, I'm a big fan.
[laughs at himself, then]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I won't bore you with all the details of my life... because you know them. Suffice to say, I'm a successful psychiatrist. My problem is that, in spite of the life I've built, I feel... empty.
[He gets up and moves to the other chair at Tewksbury's gesture]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote...
Professor: Stalling. Deal with the feelings.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, fair enough. Perhaps caller, if we reframe the issue...
Professor: Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Uh... let's run down Beck's Depression Inventory...
Professor: Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller feels empty. Go on.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right. Last month in the New England Journal...
Professor: He's already read it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How do you know?
Professor: The caller is Frasier Crane. If you did, he did.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can suggest certain visualization techniques...
Professor: He knows them already.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling?
Professor: He told you: because he's empty. Keep going.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter...
Professor: He's already got himself on the phone.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't know what he wants!
Professor: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because that's all I have!
[Frasier is shocked at the revelation. Tewksbury gives him a knowing, sad look]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, caller, I can't help you.

[Daphne is practicing an American accent]
Daphne: I'll see you later.
[normal voice]
Daphne: You see, that's the problem when I speak American, I don't know what to do with my "R"s.
Frasier: Try hauling it out of here!

[Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem]
Niles: Uh-uh.
[Martin reaches for another piece]
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Martin: All right, what would you do?
Niles: Well, for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
Martin: That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
Niles: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier, try to understand...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, what happened last night was just...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it.
[bitter chuckle]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!

Daphne: I know you're angry, but please say something.
Dr. Niles Crane: Angry doesn't begin to describe it.
Daphne: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: You have violated this person's privacy. If she found out, I... they could suspend my license.
Daphne: I am so sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: And you don't trust me. How could you possibly think there could be somebody else?
Daphne: Because I was "somebody else".
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Daphne: You were married to two other women while you claimed to have been in love with me. And now that we're together, how can I be sure - really sure - that there won't ever be another somebody else?
Dr. Niles Crane: Because I would never... because this time, it's different. Our love is different. It's not based on somebody's expectations or-or... anything I'm supposed to be. Uh... when I was with Maris, or with Mel, I found myself thinking about you. Going about my day or, uh... even when I was in a session. I found myself thinking about you. Well, now we're together. I find myself thinking about you. It's not going to stop.

Daphne: Our bodies must be in continuous contact, with not a sliver of daylight between us.
Niles: I can do that.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are NOT a good couple.
Dr. Niles Crane: I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy and vulnerable woman.
Roz: [calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?

Dr. Frasier Crane: My God, it's for the Cecilia Bartoli concert! My God, they've been sold out for months. How on earth did you score these tickets?
Dr. Niles Crane: I simply phoned the box office and said this is Niles Crane, the new arts critic for The Monocle.
Daphne: The Monocle. Isn't that that magazine they hand out to rich people in all the snootiest apartment buildings?
Dr. Niles Crane: And the snootiest hotels.
Dr. Frasier Crane: How could this happen, Niles?
Dr. Niles Crane: I was at a party thrown by the publisher, Olga Suerbread. The pretentious fop who had the job before me was there too, spouting sheer drivel about Leonard Bernstein. Being polite, I kept my tongue sheathed. Until he referred to Bernstein's conducting as "overrated."
Dr. Frasier Crane: [indignant] I assume you pounced?
Dr. Niles Crane: [dignified] Like a ninja! By the time I had finished with him, Olga could see I was a far better critic than that arrogant poseur.
Daphne: She fired him right there?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, he was leaving anyway for his junior year abroad.

Frasier: [Niles's prosthetic nose is sticking up at a crazy angle] Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?

Martin: You know, it's time you guys learned, everything doesn't have to be perfect.
Frasier: Yes, it's that kind of advice that leads to shag carpeting!

Frasier: Dad, you haven't even cut your cake yet. Where are you going?
Martin: I'm gonna sit in the tub with a hairdryer and wait for the power to come back on.

Daphne: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
Martin: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
Daphne: Yeah, she looked once and it was over. You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
Martin: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
Daphne: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.

Frasier: You know, maybe there's still time to win her back.
Martin: Well, it'd take a pretty big bouquet of flowers to do that.
Frasier: I don't know, Dad. Maybe if I just explain to her what really happened, she'll forgive me. Sometimes the best apology is just the truth.
Niles: You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
Frasier: ...Well, not that truth. Some other truth.

Niles: Frasier, that woman by the side of the road, spearing trash, it's Roz!
Frasier: My God it is.
Niles: If she realizes we recognize her, she'll be utterly humiliated.
[shouts]
Niles: Oh Roz!

[Eddie the dog stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Unbeknownst to Frasier, Daphne walks in to the room wearing a robe]
Frasier: I really do love Daphne and I'm about to lose her. I've got to show her how I feel about her, while I still have the chance.
[Daphne, taken aback by the comments, quickly tiptoes back to her room before Frasier notices her]
Frasier: Well, I don't know whether it was the therapy or the painkillers but I actually feel a bit better. Let's try this.
[Frasier pulls himself to sit more comfortably on the chair; Meanwhile, Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.
Daphne: [returning to the living room, acting] Oh, Dr. Crane! I didn't know you were here, I can't hear anything in that shower of mine, it's like a soundproof vault!
Frasier: Daphne, I wanted to apologize for being so short with you this morning.
Daphne: It's fine.
Frasier: No, it's not. It's never fine. Listen, come here, please
[Daphne hesitantly walks over to him]
Frasier: Give me a hug
[They hug somewhat awkwardly, with Daphne keeping some distance between her body and his]
Frasier: Oh Daphne, do you know how much you mean to me?
Daphne: I'm getting an idea!

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

[after a bitter argument with Niles]
Frasier: Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.
Martin: Have you talked to your brother yet?
Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

Dr. Niles Crane: We attended Colonel Turner's very large very high Episcopalian funeral, during the course of which my cell phone rang repeatedly. I was not allowed to answer it and Mel had set the ringer on La Cucaracha.

Bob: "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
Frasier: Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger!

[Frasier is breaking up with Marie]
Marie: Am I crazy or are you breaking up with me?
Frasier: They're not completely unrelated.

Daphne: [Daphne and Roz want to set Frasier up on a date] No, we should go with my person first. You don't have the best track record.
Roz: Me? Whenever you've set me up with guys, I knew they were losers the second I saw them. They turned out to be bad in bed, too.

Roz: It's a spa! How much better could it be? I mean, are they gonna carry you around like a sultan? You gonna be massaged by supermodels? And what if you do get through the gold door? What next, the diamond door? And after that a titanium door! And after that a plutonium door!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, that's ridiculous. Plutonium's radioactive, no one's going to make a door out of it.

Norman: You know, I remember one day I was listening to your program, and it was right after my wife died and I was going through kind of a rough patch. You told this guy who was going through the same thing that he should keep pictures of his wife around to help with the transition. That was a good idea.
Frasier: So you started keeping pictures of her?
Norman: [who's blind] That wouldn't make much sense now, would it?
Frasier: [sheepish] Well, no. Well, what did you do?
Norman: Well, I remembered when we were dating, Helen made this life mask of herself for art class, and I had my daughter dig through the attic, and lo and behold, she found it.
[He holds up a delicate porcelain mask]
Norman: This is the way she looked when we met. Isn't she beautiful?
Frasier: Oh, yes.
Norman: So you were right. Every night, before I fall asleep, I run my fingers over Helen's beautiful face, and it takes me back to all those wonderful years we had together. It made a world of difference. I want to thank you. You really helped me.
Frasier: [warmly] You've no idea how nice it is to hear that.

Ferguson: Manchester, right?
Daphne: Is it that obvious?
Ferguson: To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.
Daphne: Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

[after Martin and Daphne have dissed Zora and Walt, Ed reveals that he hid his video camera nearby, pointing at them]
Ed: I wanted to capture the whole family, naturally, just as they are.
Martin: Well... we were really boring! I mean, why don't you just rewind that a few minutes and then start over?
Ed: Funny, Mrs. Pappas said the same thing.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: You're white as a sheet.
Albert: No, actually, I'm always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed because I'd turn off-white.

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, why don't you join us?
Roz: No, no thank you. There's a cute new handyman in my building. I thought I'd just go home, slip into a negligée and rip out my faucet.
[she leaves]
Frasier: You think she's kidding, don't you?

Bebe: [Bebe is smoking in the kitchen. When she hears Frasier and Niles coming, she puts out her cigarette and drops it into her purse] I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. But I'll remember those helpful hints. It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
[blue smoke is wafting out of her purse]
Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.

Frasier: [to a woman in a nude bodysuit and long hair] Let me take a stab, Lady Godiva?
Eve: No, I'm Eve, from the Bible.
Frasier: Now I see why it's called the *Good* Book.

[Niles' wife Maris is suspected of having an affair with the husband of one of Frasier's callers]
Roz: You just tell her that you know she's been mattress surfing with some other guy and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
Frasier: It's not that easy. You don't know this woman. She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
Roz: Whoa! It's Maris.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, I'm 41. That's hardly middle-aged. Middle age is more like 50, 55.
Dr. Niles Crane: Only if you live to be 110.

Frasier: Hello, Doug, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Doug: Yeah, well, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life, and I mean, she doesn't want to do anything or-or go anywhere. And she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it's-it's... It's very frustrating. I think...
Frasier: Um, Doug, I'm sorry. Can we just go back for a second? You said your mother *literally* hangs around the house. Well, I suppose it's a-a pet peeve of mine but, uh, what you mean to say is that she *figuratively* hangs around the house. To-to literally hang around the house she'd have to be a bat or a spider monkey, you see. Now, back to your problem.
Doug: Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve?
Frasier: Oh, not at all.
Doug: I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when you come to them for help. That's what I got a problem with!
[Doug angrily hangs up the phone]
Frasier: I think what he means is that is a thing... with which he has a problem.

Frederick: I'm going to go call my friends. I love you.
[exits]
Lilith: I don't understand, I was so sure.
Frasier: Oh gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith. After all, what parent doesn't at one time or another completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being? Oh well, there he is. Telling his friends that all of his dreams have come true.
Lilith: Unless that's what he wants us to think?
Frasier: When will you stop?
Frederick: [Lilith puts the phone on speaker to listen in on Frederick's call] It worked! All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy and they crumbled.
Frederick's: What does that mean?
Frederick: I'm getting a minibike.
Lilith: Frederick.
Frederick: Uh-oh!
[hangs up]

Frasier: A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits!
[look of horror]
Frasier: Oh dear God, I'm quoting Grandpa Willie!

Martin: Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.

Frasier: Lord, aren't we a pair: a narcoleptic and a weak-willed sexual obsessive. We're like a couple of brothers out of an O'Neill play!

Daphne: I've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.

[Niles realizes that the expensive gifts in Frasier's bag are meant for him]
Niles: [excited] You don't suppose it's Daphne?
Martin: [sarcastic] Yeah, she took that second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair just so she could give you Cartier. Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: Hmm... there's been so few women since Maris. So few women before Maris. Hence there was Maris.

Roz: Wonder Woman really is my hero, she's everything I admire: beautiful, smart, independent, moral...
Dr. Niles Crane: [drunk, as Martin] And talk about hooters.
Martin: [to Niles] Hey, I keep that to myself.

Dr. Niles Crane: You know the saying, Ferguson. "Champagne after sherry makes the tummy grow wary."
Ferguson: You have your brother's wit, sir.

Frasier: Listen, Niles, I want to apologize for getting upset this morning. I've been giving it some thought and I think maybe Kit is just what the doctor ordered.
Niles: [gloating] Is she ever!
Frasier: And no strings? Just fun, right? That's what she says.
Niles: Exactly. So, you really like her?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Niles: And you're not just saying that?
Frasier: Absolutely not.
Niles: You want her?
Frasier: Excuse me?
Niles: Frasier, she's killing me!

Daphne: I'm already exhibiting the three signs of a woman in love: I can't stop thinking about him, I can't eat and I bought meself all new underwear!
Martin: We gotta get her a girlfriend to talk to.

Annie: [Annie is seated on the coffee table, facing Niles, with a sympathetic hand on his knee] Oh, I know the pain you're going through. I mean, I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was. Eventually.

Dr. Lilith Sternin: I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel's laws, allowed for anomalies and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words, I'm gonna need some kissin'.

Frasier: People of Seattle! Listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals and we are NOT FRENCH!

[during Frasier's 2,000th show]
Frasier: Roz, what do we have next?
Roz: It's time for another blooper.
Frasier: Oh, well, I believe we're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on, during the show...
Roz: [on tape] Now what the-
[beep]
Roz: Is this? You call this a-
[beep]
Roz: Paycheck? How the-
[beep]
Roz: Am I supposed to live on this-?!
[beep]
Roz: I'm gonna have a little word with that-
[beep]
Roz: -damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-
[beep]
Roz: -ing place!
Kenny: [who's entered] Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.

Martin: [after Mel has left] Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.
Roz: I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!
Daphne: I think I'll order a pizza.
[Daphne gets up from the couch and takes phone into kitchen]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!
Martin: Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!
Martin: Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't like Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: But he's repeating a terrible pattern.
Martin: Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!

Roz: Oh my God! How could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute." What am I - Marcia Brady?

[before Frederick's birthday party, Niles is dipping balloons into a glass of water, then twirling them in the air to dry]
Martin: Should I even ask?
Dr. Niles Crane: These balloons come in an unsealed package, covered in some mysterious dust, straight from some southeast Asian sweatshop. Doesn't that worry you?
Martin: Oh, you bet it does. I remember back in Korea, we'd crouch in our foxholes, scared to death those bastards were gonna drop balloons on us.

[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]
Daphne: Hello! Ohh... ohh... ohh... this is enough to make me give up my search for a meaningful relationship.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles has just banged his knee against a table at Cafe Nervosa] Niles, Niles, are you all right?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, no, I've just aggravated my old bossa-nova injury.

Niles: Well, crisis has passed. She
[his dog Girl]
Niles: just needed a little rest. Fortunately I remembered to bring her sleep mask.

Frasier: Excuse me, perhaps you could help us here.
Salesman: [not stopping] Yeah, perhaps.
Frasier: Well, we're looking for a chair.
Salesman: [still not stopping] We got 'em.
Frasier: Wait, wait-wait-wait!
[the salesman stops]
Niles: Ideally, we're looking for something with the presence of a Mies van der Rohe and the playful insouciance of an early Le Corbusier.
Salesman: [pointing to chair at random] This one vibrates.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, you've just been through a very traumatic experience here and you are deep in denial here. You are going through some very extreme emotions right now, and rather than feeling them, you're denying they even exist.
Niles: I'm not denying my feelings. I'm so in tune with my emotions I was able to move through them quickly. In fact, I've logged them all in my journal.
[He takes out a small notebook and reads from it]
Niles: Let's see, where are we? Here...
[reading]
Niles: "Awake, 5:00 AM: Blissful confusion. Something's happened, but what? 5:01: Ah, yes. An overwhelming sense of emptiness and despair. 5:07..."--this one's hard to read... oh, right!--"Wept uncontrollably. 6:15: All cried out. Hungry now. Ate entire box of Frosted Flakes, they're gr-r-r-reat!"
[closes journal]
Niles: So don't you tell ME I'm not in touch with my emotions!
Martin: [Niles exits] 9:45: Get out the butterfly net.

[after Niles's fall]
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles, I'm here for you. I promise we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY!

Frasier: That Jordan, he's really something, huh? The way he scores those points and gets the ball back when the other team misses... Wow! That's incredible. He made the same impossible shot twice in a row!
Martin: It's the instant replay.

Dr. Frasier Crane: My date for Saturday night called to cancel because I am not her type. Oh, and guess what? Her honesty was not refreshing.

[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier: What's all this?
Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier: Niles?
Niles: [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier: Good.

Niles: Hello, Daphne. Is Dad around?
Daphne: Actually, he's gone off with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at Daphne]
Daphne: As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
Niles: Ohhh...
[Looks questioningly at her again]
Daphne: The answer to your next question is "beats the hell out of me."

[Martin grunts]
Frasier: Was that a "leave me alone" grunt or a "you've bested me again, son, with your unassailable logic" grunt?
[Martin grunts again]
Frasier: I thought so.

Daphne: Here you are, Dr. Crane. I stopped off at the Tre Anon Day Spa and picked up your papaya exfolliant and your neck cream por aloe.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you, Daphne. I wouldn't have sent you out in this weather if it weren't an emergency.

Frasier: I was elected by the employees to present our demands to Kate.
Daphne: Well, that was a smart move. Did you give her a good tongue lashing?
Frasier: In a manner of speaking, yes.

Martin: This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.
Frasier: Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?
Martin: It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.
Niles: I don't want it.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

Bebe: Oh come on, Dr. Crane, I've heard those spots you've done for that Chinese restaurant. You make me want to stuff my face full of egg rolls and... I don't know why.

[at a cocktail party to compete for entry into an exclusive club, Frasier brings Daphne]
Frasier: Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?
Niles: Well, you are a man. She is a goddess... whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.
Frasier: On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?
Niles: The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives. Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crabmeat into the poor woman's décolletage.
Frasier: Accidents will happen.
Niles: As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.

Dr. Niles Crane: Dinner is almost ready. Shall I set you a place or would it make you feel better to go out and shoot your own eggplant?

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles. Where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?
Dr. Niles Crane: The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002.

Roz: [Looking in Frasier's bag] Is this for us too?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, actually this is another "Dancing Santa" for Dad. His other one got damaged.
Roz: I thought you threw that thing over the balcony.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, which damaged it.

Alan: I'm no farmer, Crane, but I can smell manure a mile away.
[They chuckle]
Alan: You'll be a welcome addition!

[on the way to the Natural History Museum]
Dr. Niles Crane: Why do you like Pygmies so much?
Martin: They're short and they blow darts. What's not to like?

Martin: Will you give me your cash? Both of you, come on! Hurry up!
Frasier: Why?
Martin: Never mind why, just hand it to me. Come on, be quick, Niles.
Niles: [takes money out of wallet] Oh all right, do you want all seven hundred dollars?
Martin: You carry seven hundred dollars in your wallet?
Niles: Well, Maris asked me to stop by the drugstore later.

Roz: You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.
Frasier: Clarence?
Roz: Yeah, Clarence the guard.
Frasier: Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.
Roz: You signed his get-well card.
Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday! I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!

Daphne: [having a psychic flash about woman in Martin's case] She had a lot of men in her life, didn't she?
Martin: No kidding. She was a hooker.
Daphne: No, I mean she had four brothers.
Martin: ...That's amazing! She did have four brothers.

Martin: [on phone with Duke] No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for the fight?
[turns so Frasier can hear]
Martin: That's a great son you've got there, Duke.
Daphne: [opens door for Niles] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Hello, Daphne, Dad. Frasier, I thought you might like to join me. I'm going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans re-seasoned.
[Martin quickly turns away the phone so Duke doesn't hear]
Frasier: Gosh, I'd love to, Niles, but I've just drawn myself a nice herbal bath.
[Martin turns the other way]
Martin: [laughs] No, no, it's just Daphne, she's watching PBS.

Frasier: Don't you believe in second chances?
Martin: I did. Then we had Niles.

Dr. Dorfman: Just think of me as "Mr. X"!
["Mr. X" gets into his car and drives away]
Frasier: That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr. Dorfman!

Daphne: [dreamily] If Eddie were one of the Beatles, I think he'd be George... I don't know why!
[She exits]
Frasier: And yet she's never been commited.
[imitating her]
Frasier: I don't know why!

[Frasier and Cam are writing out the terms of their "friendship."]
Cam: Fine, I will arrange an introduction to my sweater weaver.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good, thank you.
Cam: But, then I must insist on the formula for your bath blend.
[Frasier considers that for a moment, while he sips a glass of sherry]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I think we were closer on an earlier draft.
Cam: Concur.

[Daphne's psychic tester arrives]
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Actually I'm a professor of psychiatry at Seattle University.
Dr. Niles Crane: Really? Please, have a seat.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Thank you.
Dr. Niles Crane: So... you're more of a debunker.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Well, no, not at all. Actually, I apply scientific principles to the search for paranormal phenomena. Believe me, nothing would make me happier than discovering a legitimate psychic.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, so then you've never found one.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: Well, if by "psychic" you mean people with above-normal prescience, then a few. If you mean somebody who could beat the house in Vegas, then no.
[drifting off]
Dr. Sheldon Morey: I thought I had one for a while, but, uh... no.

[driving a Winnebago]
Daphne: How does it feel behind that wheel, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Manly! This is mine, and it's big!

Young: I specifically requested my macaroni and cheese al denté.

Frasier: [Roz enters in fancy evening dress. Daphne is to the side in a robe, she holds another dress] Oh, Roz! That's lovely!
Daphne: Oh! We have twenty minutes.
[both ladies start for Daphne's room]
Niles: What's going on?
Roz: There's a huge reception at the British Consulate tonight. Daphne got us tickets!
Daphne: [ladies continue toward Daphne's room] Who knows, Roz? You just may meet a charming British lord who'll make you a lady!
Niles: [to Frasier] At this point, I think it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Daphne: [arriving at Niles' costume party] We would've been here sooner, but Sherlock here got us lost.
Martin: So we went to the wrong apartment, I notice you didn't complain when the old lady gave us peanut butter cups.

Diane: So there I was on the balcony of my Malibu beach house when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash I was on the beach scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded when not twenty yards offshore I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of, of, um...
Niles: Sea kelp.
Diane: Exactly right. Sea kelp.
Martin: Oh ho, that's funny. I thought he said "Seek help."

Martin: When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk. I didn't want to leave the house. Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
Dr. Niles Crane: [pausing] I know my fears aren't rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine. But I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...
Martin: Well, you don't know! That's exactly what I came to realize. Life's a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since Niles made that basket, his head's been getting bigger and bigger.
Roz: Well, you have to admit it was pretty amazing.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Amazingly lucky! To hear Niles tell it, it all started with a little rubber factory in Sumatra, where an unsuspecting basketball began a journey that would lead to greatness.
Roz: So he's milking it a little bit, you'd do the same thing!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I would not! I would treat it as the chance occurrence it was... like finding a terrific parking spot in front of the opera house.
Roz: You bragged about that for weeks!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it was right in front of the steps, Roz!

Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Roz: What?
Frasier: This number he left: It's local. The beast walks among us.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [after spending the night in jail] Was it really necessary to take my belt and shoelaces?
Cop: Standard procedure. It's for your own protection.
Dr. Frasier Crane: For God's sake, you had me in the drunk tank. If I'd wanted to kill myself, I'd have taken a deep breath!

Frasier: Wait a minute! Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having some sort of a party?
Niles: Yes, at Ken Lauerbock's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a huge event.
Frasier: Of course, "Auld Lang Wine!" Niles, call to see if we're still invited.
Niles: All right, I'm on it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [dripping wet, Eddie enters and shakes water everywhere] Oh God, he's wet too! Stop! Stop! Damn him! Daphne... Daphne get this canine sprinkler out of here!

Dr. Frasier Crane: All right. I screwed things up with Lana. But wait, that wasn't my fault. She was still in love with her ex-husband.
Lilith: No, Lana is not the problem.
Hester: No, she wasn't right for you at all.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, mother, you would say that. You never approved of any of my relationships.
Hester: Don't pin this on me. I liked Claire.
Diane: Oh, she was perfect for you.
Nanette: Everybody thought so.
Hester: So why didn't it work out?
Lilith: Maybe because she was just right for you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What does *that* mean?
Hester: Well, Claire was everything we ever looked for in a woman.
Lilith: And that terrified you.
Diane: Because inevitably she would have left you.
Nanette: And so, of course, you ran away.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No. No, no, no. I left Claire because I discovered I had feelings for Lana.
Lilith: You *created* feelings for Lana...
Hester: Who was extremely flawed...
Lilith: So you'd have an excuse to leave Claire.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, but I didn't need an excuse. I didn't love her!
Lilith: You didn't *want* to love her.
Hester: She was too good.
Diane: And that's why you were afraid.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, you're saying that I'm afraid of a good woman?
Hester: You're afraid of *losing* a good woman. Again.

Customer: Here he is. He's the man who's been impersonating Frasier Crane.
Cop: All right, let's go.
Frasier: What are you talking about? I am Frasier Crane.
Cop: Do you have identification?
Frasier: Well, no, no, but it's the truth.
[to Phil]
Frasier: Well, tell them.
Phil: Thank god you got here when you did, officer. I've detained him as long as I could.

Dr. Niles Crane: [after they've tried and failed to teach each other to ride bikes] A good teacher doesn't YELL at his student!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!
Dr. Niles Crane: I thought it would make you try harder!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh well you're gonna make one HELL of a dad!

Frasier: Have you ever had an unexpressed thought?
Niles: I'm having one now.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Roz is on a laptop] Oh, what are you up to?
Roz: Oh, they put in phone jacks so you can go on-line. I was just talking to this guy who sounds really great.
[Frasier sighs at the idea]
Roz: What? I'm a very busy person, how else am I going to meet people?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It just seems so impersonal, Roz. God, what ever happened to human contact? Engaging people, face to face, eye to eye.
Roz: There's your dad.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [turns away] Don't let him see me!

Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, even though he's expressed no dissatisfaction with his love life whatsoever, these two have decided to make it their mission to find him a mate.
Martin: It's not a bad idea. It's been a long time since Frasier was excited about someone. I kind of miss that spring in his step, you know. The nervous energy he gets where every first date might be "the one." The electricity of that 30-point self-inspection before he rolls out of the showroom.

Daphne: Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
Martin: Where?
[spots it]
Martin: Oh! Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you?
[Daphne throws him a large roll of duct tape]
Martin: Thanks.

Bulldog: Oh, by the way: Roz, baby or no baby, your ass has never looked better.
Roz: Shut up!
[Bulldog exits]
Roz: How sick is that?
Frasier: Well, he's just being Bulldog.
Roz: No - that I liked hearing it?

Cam: My mother's a vet and she happens to be staying with me. I'm sure she wouldn't mind taking a look... even if it is Frasier's dog.
Martin: He's mine. Frasier can't stand him.
Daphne: When he's healthy he jumps on Dr. Crane's bed, drools on his pillow, chews on his slippers...
Cam: Really? We've got to get this little rascal back on his feet!

Martin: [to his beer] Well, hello there. Will you be my Ballantine?

Daphne: [to Frasier] You slept awfully late.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream. I was climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Daphne: An ice volcano. Wonder what that could mean.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [noticing his answering machine is blinking] Oh, what's this?
[pushes the playback button]
Lilith: [on machine] Hello, it's Lilith.

[last lines]
Board: Can you tell us what consideration, if any, you've given this crime?
David: Well... I regret it, everyday. I was young at the time, and I wasn't thinking - you know, about the consequences. And I'm very sorry.
Board: The victim is here. Mr. Crane, would you like to make a statement?
[Martin stands, looks at the prisoner's mother, then shakes his head]
Martin: I have nothing to say.
Board: Would you give us a moment?
[pause while the board members confer]
Board: Mr. Hicks, the board commends you for your participation in the in-house programs to better yourself, and for your record of excellent conduct. We have weighed this against your conviction of shooting a police officer during the commission of a robbery, and find that the length of your time served has not yet met the standards for proportionality, equality, and justice as required by state law. Parole is denied.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Clive called for you earlier
Daphne: Did he sound British?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [on trying a matchmaker] So I gave her the money and I filled out the questionnaire.
Roz: You fudged a little bit on your answers, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, of course not. Why would I?
Roz: Because nobody's honest on those things. There's a code people use. Like "mature" means old, "athletic" means flat- chested, and, uh... oh, "not model thin" means circus fat.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with "V"
Dr. Niles Crane: Vagabonds.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No.

[last lines]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night.
Daphne: You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes Daphne, I think it is.
Daphne: All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the laundry.

Bob: [wearing a sprig of mistletoe on his hat] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head?
Roz: Almost any clever remark?
[Gil bursts out laughing]
Bob: What's she mean by that?

Daphne: [the men pull her up, looks down] Oh bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!

Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, let's just settle this. We don't like each other, but we do have to coexist here. So why don't we agree that I won't criticize you, and you won't criticize me. Do we have a deal?
Martin: No.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No?
Martin: No, I will undermine you every chance I get, because you, Dr. Crane, are a dangerous man!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm dangerous?
Martin: Yes. Seattle's great enabler. You tell tramps and fornicators that their problem is low self-esteem. They should have low self-esteem, they're going to hell!

[Frasier and Niles wonder why Martin invited them to Duke's Bar]
Daphne: Could it be that he just wants to lift a pint with his sons?
Niles: No. Duke's is where dad hangs out with his cop buddies. It's where he goes to escape the stresses, strains, and petty annoyances of everyday life.
Frasier: In other words, us.

Roz: Well, okay, Frasier. No offense, your father is a very nice man, but let's face it: My mother was attorney general of Wisconsin.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I hope he remembers to curtsy before the Dairy Queen!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes well, at least you had a better night than I did. Halfway through our date, Natalie got a phone call - an emergency at home.
[chuckles bitterly]
Dr. Frasier Crane: I decided to take a little walk. Twenty minutes later I saw her in a different bar with another man.
Dr. Niles Crane: There was no emergency?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Not unless he had an infected earlobe which required an immediate tongue-flicking.

Daphne: [to Martin, who has just entered the living room] Oh, don't you look nice.
Martin: Yeah, Frasier wanted me dressed up for this mystery lunch of his.
Daphne: He hasn't told you what the occasion is either?
Martin: No, but I'm sure it's something very important. I'm sure he wants to unveil his new antique Elizabethan egg timer.
Daphne: [laughs] Or debut his pre-Columbian spoon rest.

Lana: I just want you to know, Frasier, that no matter what happens, you are a really good...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Don't... Don't use the F-word.
Lana: I wasn't about to!
[Playfully tapping his shoulder]
Lana: I was going to say we're *friends*!

Daphne: I don't understand! How come you never said anything before?
Niles: Daphne, I wanted to. I just... the timing just never seemed right.
Daphne: Oh, and the timing's right now? I'm twelve hours from the altar and you're on your honeymoon!
Niles: I would never have gotten married if I thought there was the slightest chance that you shared my feelings. Trust me, Daphne, say the word and I will leave Mel in a heartbeat.

Daphne: I am so soaked, my dress is pasted right onto me. It's a good thing I had this coat in the trunk.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, that was lucky. Let me take it for you.

Daphne: [Niles has a date with Marjory Nash, the Fruit on the Bottom Yogurt heiress] What's she like?
Niles: Well, she's terribly haughty and rumors persist about her husband's death, but still a date's a date.

Daphne: Leo, we need you to bring Mr. Crane's chair back in here.
Leo: Ah, no can do fish 'n chips.

Martin: Give me a top hat and cane, and I'm Fred Astaire.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Add a monocle, and he's Mr. Peanut.

Dr. Niles Crane: [to Frasier] Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together?

Martin: I'm excited for you, Daphne. Takes me back to when I had my kids. So, what are you hoping for, boy or girl?
Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Be kind of nice to have a boy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier is showing off his new hand towels to Niles] Niles, just look at the edging on this.
Dr. Niles Crane: Have you ever? Have you ever? And look, this is all hand-stitched.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mm-hmm!
Daphne: Or a girl. Either way.

Niles: When Maris says "get together," she means, "You wear the creme fraiche. I'll lick it off," sense.

Marta: Si, si, Missy Crane very different. Nicer to everyone. And this time no happy pills.

Daphne: [as Dr Morey getting ready to leave after administering phychic ability test on Daphne] I'm sorry Dr. Morey, we've wasted your time.
Dr. Sheldon Morey: It's OK. Your dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting
[looks at Eddie]
Dr. Sheldon Morey: [Daphne and Niles give looks of surprise] I'm kidding! They weren't that funny.

Alex: [Alice innocently defaced a painting by a famous artist for the party so Roz has taken it to have it fixed by an art restorer but Daphne has left the drape over the easel so Niles and the guests won't think anything is amiss] Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Alex: I'm dying to see it.
Daphne: Oh, oh sorry. No peeking. You have to wait until the unveiling.
Alex: [chuckling] That sounds like a challenge. You're gonna have to watch me like a hawk.
Daphne: Won't that be fun!

Frasier: Well, that's all the time we have today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you a good day and good mental
[sees Lilith]
Frasier: Aaaugh!

Dr. Niles Crane: [pointing at flowers on table] That's a striking arrangement.
Martin: It's from Bebe. After what happened today, she's trying to woo him back.
Dr. Niles Crane: Birds of Paradise. I suppose that's her idea of floral irony.

Frasier: [in pirate's voice for Roz's demo tape] Well, when my mates and I put in to port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: [in pirate's voice] Head for the antique sales.

Frasier: Look at this place. I never felt so conspicuous in my life.
Niles: You must simply try to blend in. Fortunately, I haven't shaved in several hours. You should loosen your tie.
Frasier: Yes, and you might try tucking in your watch fob.
Niles: That happens to be a Phi-Beta-Kappa key.
Frasier: Oh, then by all means, let it dangle. Perhaps they have a local chapter.

[Ferguson begins to offer the guests their coats, in order to end the party abruptly after seeing Niles and Mel start arguing]
Ferguson: [handing Diane her wrap] Your wrap, madam, Dr. Crane thanks you for coming...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ferguson, Ferguson, what in blue blazes are you doing?
Ferguson: Perhaps to spare you some embarrassment, sir, I took the liberty...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop! You're taking far too much liberty with the liberty-taking! Please, just see that everyone has some champagne.
Ferguson: [obeying] Sir.

Martin: Lilith had an affair?
Dr. Frasier Crane: The most painful and humiliating experience of my entire life. I'm sure you felt the same way.
Martin: Well, I hadn't thought about it for quite some time, but thanks for reminding me.

Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend! It'll be a costume ball, with a Louis Quatorze theme, right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! May I presume you're both coming down with colds?
[Martin and Frasier both cough loudly]
Niles: And so it goes.

Niles: You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?
Frasier: Oh, yes: the one I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford punch bowl was.

Frasier: Everyone, we have some very happy news: Lilith is going to be married again.
Martin: [hesitantly] To who?
Frasier: Someone else.
Martin: [tosses aside his cane and rushes across the room to Lilith] Oh, that's great! Congratulations! Wonderful!

Dr. Frasier Crane: You would not believe the hostility I've encountered. Even at the Cafe Nervosa, my sanctuary, I thought they were trying out a new cappuccino maker, I turned and saw three tables hissing at me!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Daph.
Daphne: What are you doing here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Had a nightmare. Couldn't get back to sleep.
Daphne: [sitting] That's strange. Niles had a nightmare, too. And I just dreamt...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [interrupting] Niles had a nightmare?
Daphne: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What about?
Daphne: He dropped the baby and it shattered.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [chuckling] That's perfect. Wait a minute. How did he drop it? Was it from a height? In a crowd? Was there water involved?
Daphne: No, it was in the nursery.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [satisfied] Yes!
[Niles enters]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, hi, Niles! I understand you had a bad dream.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, it was utterly inscrutable. There was a table saw and apple pies, and...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Spare me, Niles, you broke the baby. Now who has the obvious dreams?
Dr. Niles Crane: It was still more interesting than yours.
[to Daphne]
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier dreamed he killed me and married you.
Daphne: At least he wasn't cheating on me with the service people because I was fat!
Dr. Niles Crane: Will you please stop blaming me for something I did in your dreams?
Daphne: So you admit it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Daphne, Daphne, I will always find you attractive. Your dream shouldn't worry you at all. Unlike mine, I could very well turn out to be a bad father.
Dr. Frasier Crane: At least you two can face your fears together. Whom do I have to hug away my nighttime terrors, hmm?
Daphne: Oh, boo-hoo, send yourself some flowers.

Aunt: Just once it would be nice if we could have a family gathering where no one leaves in an ambulance. Am I right?

Maitre'D: Would any one of you like a drink?
Kirby: Yes. The lady and I will have the Coca Cola.
Roz: Yeah, make sure the lady's has a lot of Jack Daniels in it.

[Niles lets Daphne try on a necklace he bought for Maris, but it falls down the front of her blouse; Frasier enters]
Frasier: Hello, Niles. Whatever are you doing here?
Niles: I, um, bought an emerald necklace for Maris, and I needed some place to hide it for her birthday.
Frasier: Emeralds? Well, may I see it?
Niles: Not at the moment, no.
Frasier: Why not?
Daphne: It's down my blouse.
Frasier: I see. Well, I'm sure Maris will never think of looking for it there.

Martin: So they gave you a big forehead. It makes you look smart.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It makes me look like I discovered fire!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier shows his antique chess set to Niles] Paris 1882, designed by Jean-Francois Blon, while attending L'Ecole des Beaux Arts!
Dr. Niles Crane: Mon Dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking! I'm breathless!
[gasps]
Dr. Niles Crane: I need to take a breath.

Baby the Cockatoo: Stephanie's horny!

[Niles and Adelle drop by to pick up their opera tickets]
Frasier: Say, have you got time for a coffee before you go?
Adelle: That'd be nice.
Frasier: Splendid! It'll give me a chance to debut my Limoges coffee set. Each cup bears a portrait of a different wife of Henry VIII. My antiques scout just found an Anne of Cleves to complete the set!
Martin: He loves to rub it in. I'm still looking for a Wilma to complete my juice glass set.

Frasier: As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"..."I Hate Frasier Crane". What trenchant criticism. Move aside Voltaire, step back in the shadows H.L. Mencken, there's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... *hate*... Frasier Crane."

[Roz enters the Cafe wearing an elegant dress]
Niles: You look like an almost-passable version of someone who works with my brother.
Roz: Bite me!
Niles: Oh, it is you.

Wentworth: Cocktails, gentlemen?
Frasier: Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.
Mr. Drake: There's a discriminating choice.
Niles: Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits. Undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.

Martin: Hey, Roz!
Roz: Hey, Martin, what's going on?
Martin: Oh, Niles bought me some new shoes!
Daphne: [mock approvingly] Oh yes, look! They have tassels!
Dr. Niles Crane: Aren't they exquisite? Those shoes were individually handmade by an artisan toiling in a hilltop village above Florence. The man is a hero there. It's an event when he completes a pair of shoes. They ring the cathedral bell and the whole town celebrates!
Roz: There's a town that needs a bowling alley.

[Frasier asks Martin if it ever occurred to him that his son could be gay]
Martin: All right. Yeah... okay, yeah, I thought about it. But no, Frasier, no... I don't believe that. And you know why? Because you would have known by now. Your unconscious or whatever the hell you call it could no more have kept its yap shut than the rest of you.

Frasier: You know, I hate to be a stickler here, but as Mary would be the first to point out, she is not a doctor.
Dr. Mary: Oh, I don't mind. Call me Dr. Mary. You know Latifah's not a real Queen, right?

Niles: Daphne? I want to apologize for the other night. I was rude, and disrespectful, and I'm sorry I hurt you.
Daphne: Apology accepted. Oh, come here.
[they hug]
Niles: Thank you.
Daphne: You know, I was just about to make myself some dinner. Would you like to join me?
Niles: I would love that.
[Daphne heads for the kitchen]
Niles: Actually, wait, Daphne? I'm going to pass on dinner.
Daphne: Oh, it's no trouble.
Niles: Oh, I know that, it's just that... I don't really care for your cooking.
Daphne: [dumbfounded] What?
[Frasier and Martin come in from the bedrooms]
Niles: Well, you're not the best cook in the world. In fact, you're not very good at cooking. At all. Bad, BAD cook!
Martin: [to Frasier, whispering] What the hell is he doing?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [intentionally interrupting] Uh... Well, we're off.
[Frasier and Martin head to the door with their coats]
Martin: [to Niles] God bless you, son!
[Frasier and Martin head out. Before Frasier closes the door, Niles gives him a thumbs up]
Niles: [to Daphne] You okay?
Daphne: How could I be after that horrible thing you just said to me?
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I just want to show you I see you the way you really are.
Daphne: And who I am is a bad cook, is that what you're saying?
Niles: No, that's not fair. I, I thought this was what you wanted.
Daphne: Well it still hurts. I have feelings, you know. I thought you loved my cooking. Well, you certainly could have handled this better.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh dad, do you care for a coffee?
Martin: Nah, I can see why you might think I would though. Guy walks into a coffee bar, you can't blame people for thinking he likes coffee.

Niles: Well, that was quite a diagnosis.
Frasier: Yes, there's no denying it. We are vindictive and competitive.
Niles: Petty, mistrustful
Frasier: And as so often in these cases, it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us.
Niles: Well dad always said it, but he has no credentials.
Frasier: Well there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. My God, the man is an expert in his field, graduated from the University of
[checks the diploma on the wall]
Frasier: Grenada.
Niles: Well surely that was just his undergraduate schooling.
Frasier: Oh yes of course, his graduate work was done at... Aruba.
Niles: An all Caribbean schooling. Well tally me banana.
Frasier: I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.

Frasier: What are you doing?
Niles: I'm moving the Chepalire.
Frasier: I like it where it was.
Niles: Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light.
Frasier: I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight.
Niles: Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering!
Frasier: They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car.
Niles: Oh, nonsense, Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust!
Frasier: This plant is going right over...
[Niles protests, and he and Frasier start bickering]
Martin: And so it begins!

Dr. Niles Crane: Uh, Mel, may I see you for a moment?
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Uh, well actually I...
Dr. Niles Crane: [quickly cutting her off] Yeah, thank you, thank you, excuse us, excuse us, just one second.
[Niles leads Mel into the kitchen. Ferguson sees them and quickly exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: New Year's Eve with you? Are you out of your mind?
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Keep your voice down!
Dr. Niles Crane: Look, I have gone along with this charade because I hurt you, but now you're just dragging it out to be vindictive. I'm not going to tolerate it any longer.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Oh, really? And what are you going to do about it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Keep pushing me, you'll find out.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Don't threaten me. You made a promise, and you're going to keep it!

Gary: You know, I was getting a little nervous, the way you were describing me on the air.
Roz: Why?
Gary: Well, my wife listens to the show.
[Roz gives a look of disbelief]
Roz: You're married?
Gary: Yeah, but it's okay. I still want to go out with you.
[a ticked-off Roz begins assaulting him with the flowers he brought for her]

Martin: [joining Frasier at the bar] Hey, Fras. Had enough?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yeah. I think I hit my limit when, in the middle of my toast I looked down and there was a man chewing on my boutonniere
Martin: Ah, God, it's been a hell of a week. I STILL can't get over Niles and Mel.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Didn't see that one coming.
Martin: Well, at least he say she makes him happy. So, there's nothin' you can do about it, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Actually...
Martin: Fras! Don't even think about trying to talk him out of it. He's married, end of story.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's really not that simple Dad. You see... Ah, I shouldn't be talking to you about this.
Martin: Is this about Daphne?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why do you say that?
Martin: Oh, come on. I've got eyes, I know something's going on. I've seen the way she's been looking at him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: She found out how Niles has felt about her all these years.
Martin: You're kidding! How'd she find out?
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's not important right now, Dad. The problem is that she told me she thinks she might have the same feelings for him.
Martin: Oh, geez...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Of course, then Niles shows up married, now she says it's just jitters.
Martin: Well, you can't tell Niles all this, he says he's happy with Mel.
Dr. Frasier Crane: She says she's happy with Donny. But I'm not sure I believe either one of them.
Martin: Just remember Fras, there are two marriages on the line here. So, before you get involved, you better make damn sure you know what you're doing.

Niles: This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today. Okay, Roz, who's my first caller?

Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, how bad was it?
Dr. Niles Crane: Mortifying. First of all, he refused to go nude, even in the private rooms.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well Niles, don't forget, Dad is of a different generation.
Dr. Niles Crane: Wearing socks and underpants and carrying a wallet into a mud bath is not a generational issue. If you ever hear me offer to take Dad to a spa again, wash out my mouth with jug wine.

Frasier: [having recovered from his back pain] Oh, Daphne, by the way, thank you for the massage, I think it did just the trick.
Daphne: Anytime, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Listen, just before I drifted off I'm afraid I might have said something I wish I hadn't.
Daphne: [worried] Yes?
Frasier: It's about Dad's chair, it may be comfortable but I still want to get it out of here.
Daphne: [slightly relieved but still tense] Oh, that...
Frasier: Why, I didn't say anything else I shouldn't have said, did I?
Daphne: [Nervously] Well... No, no. And don't worry.
[points at Martin's chair]
Daphne: Mum's the word!
[the doorbell rings]
Daphne: [sarcastically] I'll get it.
Frasier: Why, thank you.
[as Daphne goes to answer the door, Martin walks in to talk to Frasier]
Martin: Did you straighten things out with Daphne?
Frasier: Yes, I did.
Martin: Boy, that was a close one. I almost blew Niles's secret!
Frasier: In the future, would you try to be more discreet? I can't pull your chestnuts out of the fire every time!

Frasier: Oh my God! This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom!
Mr. Drake: Yes, on family night we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.

[on Sherry]
Frasier: Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company he has no right to... what's the polite word for "inflict"?

Roz: Would you like to go to a party with me on Saturday?
Roger: I'd love to. I found a great pair of shoes this morning. They damn near match.

Bebe: You wanna see a carcass, chum?
[grabs Frasier and faces him toward mirror]
Bebe: Look in the mirror. Look what you've let that man do to you. Your face is riddled with bird bites, your name's a punchline, and your career is five minutes from over, and he's only been your agent for three days! Send him in against the Hammer and you'll be doing fog reports from a lighthouse in Puget Sound!

Roz: Her name is Sharon. She's five-seven...
Frasier: Oh Roz, I'm not interested.
Roz: But she's an incredible person. She's smart, she's funny, she's a former pro-golfer. She just hasn't met the right guy.
Frasier: A woman golfer. Are we quite certain there is a right guy?
Roz: She dates men.
Frasier: Not this one.

Waitress: And now if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: Claim our steaks?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley!
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Daphne: [getting kicked out of Martin's new chair] Oh, all right. Just like a man. Now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!

Laura: Molly sent a driver?
Frasier: No, no, I'm not a driver, I'm a psychiatrist, I'm here to help you.
Laura: Molly's having me committed?

Daphne: I'm gonna live in your apartment!
Niles: Our apartment.
Daphne: Our apartment. Oh, my, I'm gonna have to practice saying that. "Let's go back to our apartment."
Niles: "Why don't we meet at our apartment?"
Daphne: "Oh, my, our apartment has a gas leak."
Niles: "Oh, no! Our apartment's going to explode!"
Daphne: "Oh, no! There goes our apartment."

Dr. Niles Crane: You know, I said I wanted closure, but I won't have it until I do one more thing...
[He takes off his wedding ring and goes to the balcony]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, be careful, Niles, from this height that could hurt somebody.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, all clear.
[throws the ring and shouts]
Dr. Niles Crane: Goodbye, Maris! You've hurt me for the last time!
Martin: Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
[Niles looks down]
Martin: Whoa! Oh, well, a good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Kenny: Roz, Larry Gamba couldn't make it, so if he wins can you accept for him?
Roz: Sure, Kenny. Nothing takes the sting out of not being nominated like accepting an award for my former intern.

[Martin emerges from the men's room at Cafe Nervosa]
Martin: Boy, I can't stand these yuppie joints. Some bozo went through the bathroom, correcting all the grammar in the graffiti with a red pen.
Frasier: Yes, I noticed.
Martin: I mean, who'd have that much time on his hands?
Frasier: Unbelievable!
Martin: It was Niles, wasn't it?
Frasier: I'll talk to him again.

Niles: Apparently, Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out. She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableau vivant pose with the, with the crossbow - which, she needs all the practice she can get. She has terribly weak triceps. Well, all of a sudden Esteban burst back in through the balcony window. Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense. He was dead before he hit the parquet.

Niles: Oh, for goodness sake, Frasier! I'm a happily married man! Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

Dr. Frasier Crane: How was your day at the spa?
Dr. Niles Crane: Fantastic. You should have seen Dad. I walked by the serenity room just as Olga and Sergei were giving him a full-body sudsing.
Martin: I never felt so clean and so dirty at the same time.

Dr. Niles Crane: [holding up a folder] Frasier, prepare to salivate!
Frasier: Niles, if that is a picture of your new Biedermeier loveseat, you've already shown it to me.
Dr. Niles Crane: [pulling out a photo] No, this is a photo of my latest purchase: an exquisite, eighteenth-century Turkish prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
Frasier: Certainly worked for the dealer.

Martin: [looking at one of Niles' childhood drawings] What is this one supposed to be?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh! That is an Egyptian battle scene from "Aida." That's Radames and that's the jealous Amneris... Oh, I misspelled "Amonasro." Oh, to be six again.

[Niles sees Roz and Daphne talking]
Niles: Well, there's a Christmas tableau: "Naughty & Nice."

[talking about death]
Martin: You think about that too? I thought it was just me.
Frasier: Everybody thinks about it.
Martin: Do you lie real still and hold your breath and pretend you're in the ground?
Frasier: No, that's just you.

Frasier: [giving Roz instructions on caring for his orchids] I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers.
Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I?

Dr. Campbell: And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian could still save him.

Bebe: [referring to Roz] That voice! I could listen to it all day. It's pure, yet smouldering... like a nun with a past.

Dr. Niles Crane: I don't think we're really quite hard up enough yet to stage a singles party.
Martin: Ok, suit yourself. Well, we'll just get ready for the evening. I'll dish out the spaghetti, and you guys set up the card table. I got us a new jigsaw puzzle. Ten thousand pieces. It's called "The Wheat Field."
Frasier: I'll send the invitations.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll call the caterer.

Martin: I can't believe that because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for stuffed grape leaves and zither music!

Guy: You are not the Crane I want!
Frasier: You're not even the *sex* I want!

Niles: Frasier, I no longer require your punch bowl, but may I borrow your blow dryer?
Frasier: Yes, why?
Niles: Sven just finished Maris' ice sculpture, and she's convinced she looks a bit "hippy."

Martin: You bought a starter's pistol?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes. You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, but this way no one can get hurt.
[Niles accidentally fires the pistol and jumps on Frasier's couch in fright]
Frasier: [running in from his bedroom] What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Dr. Niles Crane: [casually] Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: Just getting up? Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: [trying to placate Frasier] Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Dr. Niles Crane: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!
Martin: Niles, you really shouldn't have *any* kind of gun. And for that matter, now that Mr. Sunshine is home all day, maybe *I* shouldn't either.

Daphne: Nobody likes going to the doctor, except me brother, Michael. He'd start getting undressed in the car, and mind you that was just the dentist.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Okay, I'll be brief. It's just that I'm on vacation with my girlfriend Claire, a woman who by all conventional measures is perfect for me, and yet I just had a vivid sexual dream about someone who differs from her entirely.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: A man?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [beat] Not that different.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Someone you've slept with?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, yes, but it didn't work out. You see, I worshipped her for years, and then we had a parting of the ways because it turns out she was just unpleasant, and confrontational, self-centered...
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier, if you're dreaming about me, just say it.

Roz: It's not like she worships the devil.
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to. He worships her.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Latin singing sensation, Carlos, the Barracuda, del Gato?
Roz: Don't you remember him from the 70's? He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda.
Dr. Niles Crane: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The hustle was too strenuous. She had no booty to shake.

Niles: Excuse me, you saw my Maris completely naked?
Frasier: Oh, don't fret, Niles, it was really nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom. More like glimpsing a birch sapling through a thick fog.
Niles: Life is so unfair! You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eye-full of Dad!
Frasier: Well, I say we hit about the same level on the "Yikes!" meter!

Frasier: Dad, there's a big difference between a policeman and a skilled bodyguard. These people are trained to size up a crowd, plan escape routes, even get shot if necessary.
Martin: Hey I know how to take a bullet.
Frasier: Oh yes that's just what your personality needs - another bullet!

Frasier: Roz, listen to me, for God's sake. If you've got the tiniest shred of sense or dignity left, remember what this woman did to you this afternoon and renounce her. She has no scruples, no ethics, and no reflection.

[last lines]
Woody: [offering a toast] Cheers.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cheers.

[Frasier fears he has offended a mobster]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!

Martin: Coffee, black, and don't put anything fancy in it.
Waitress: We have two special coffees...
[off Martin's look]
Waitress: I'll surprise you.

Martin: Look at this fireplace. Your mom and I used to to sit in front of the fire here holding hands. I wonder if that...
[pulls up rug]
Martin: Oh yeah! It's still here. That graffiti you scratched into the floor.
Niles: That's not graffiti, Dad. That's a Latin pun. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi--Always Wear Underwear.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [regarding Daphne's mumbling brother, Stephen] Do you have any idea what he's saying?
Dr. Niles Crane: Not a word. Apparently Stephen was dropped as a child.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I thought the mumbler was Michael.
Dr. Niles Crane: He was dropped on Michael. The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane genes are in there, too.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella Sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.

Frasier: Look, why don't we just change the subject from Dad, and talk about something else.
Niles: Absolutely, pick a new topic. Something light and frothy.
Frasier: I agree... Are you in love with Daphne?
[Niles does a spit-take]
Frasier: That's a little frothier than I had in mind.

Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next?

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm amazed you can hear it over in Mission Control!

[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together]
Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
Niles: Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm having fantasies about her all the time.
Martin: Well there's nothing wrong with that. You know, when I first met your mother she was so upbeat and bouncy I used to fantasize about her wearing a skimpy little cheerleader outfit, shaking her pom-poms...
Dr. Frasier Crane,196104: Dad!
Martin: Grow up, you two! I'm just saying it's perfectly natural. I can't tell you the number of times I was on a stake-out in the cold, picturing your mother in front of a warm fire wearing nothing but a...
Dr. Frasier Crane,196104: Dad!
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry. One day your mother and I went on a church picnic and the two of you came floating down the river in little wicker baskets.

Arlene: [in labor] Ahh! It really hurts!
Niles: That's okay. It's natural.
Arlene: No, you're squeezing my hand!
Frasier: Oh, just get a hold of yourself, Niles!
Niles: I'm sorry! I only did this once before, in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.
Arlene: You fainted?
Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

Danny: Were you the kid who used to carry his gym shorts in an attache case?
Niles: It was a valise.

Martin: All right, now. Quiet, it's getting ready to start.
Niles: You dragged us over here to see a commercial for Holden Thorpe?
Martin: Shh!
Frasier: The man is a fascist. He's like Himmler without the whimsy.

[Daphne comes home and is furious to see Frasier opening her letter to her mother in Manchester]
Frasier: You don't understand. I just wanted to...
Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was. A seventy-three year old woman in Manchester is about to find out that you dye the grey out of your temples. There, you happy?
Frasier: No, I am not happy, I am mortified!
[He looks down in shame... then raises his head]
Frasier: How did you know that? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cuff-link box.
Daphne: Yeah, well... I'll let it go this time.
[She flees to her bedroom]
Frasier: Oh, we haven't got time for this! We've to get down to that party!
Niles: I knew you were dyeing your hair.
Frasier: Shut up.
Niles: "No, no, really, it's just my new conditioner."
Frasier: Shut up!

[after Martin, Ronee, and Ronee's mother catch Frasier in an embarrassing situation]
Ronee: [mock stern] You may get away with this now, young man, but once I'm your mother...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, get out!

Randy: [to Frasier and Niles who have joined an auto repair class and are failing it miserably] I have a feeling you two are going to be my special project.

Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, we can't leave without seeing the apartment. Frank was kind enough to put on pants to bring us up here.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Can you explain... this?
[holds up sponge with barbecue tongs]
Martin: A grown man's obsession with a sponge? No I can't.

Dr. Niles Crane: [about Frasier] Is he still here?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Yes. He wants to make love to me.
Dr. Niles Crane: Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here - and yes, I'm aware of the irony.

Niles: Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: Well, we all are, at some point in our lives. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music?
Niles: Was I ever that young?

Martin: I don't know how to be Jewish.
Niles: Well, just answer questions with a question.
Martin: Like what?
Niles: What, I have to explain everything?
Martin: Can't you give me an example?
Niles: What, I should give you an example?
Martin: Are you going to help me or not?
Niles: You're saying I'm not being helpful?
Martin: Oh, forget it!

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm hashing over an ethical dilemma, so I think I could use some black coffee.
Coffee: What size would you like?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Uh, I've got a lot to ponder, so I think a large.
Coffee: I'm afraid we don't have large, sir. We have piccolo, macho, mucho and mucho macho.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. Uh, do you happen to know what size would correspond to a Nervosa grande?
Coffee: No. But our mucho is about the same as the semi-colossal over at Don't Spill the Beans.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, ah, all right. I know that their colossal is comparable to a Nervosa grande, so the semi-colossal would be three quarters of a colossal, so the mucho and the semi-colossal would be equivalent... so I should have the mucho macho. But only fill it five-eighths.

Frederick: Uncle Niles, are you going to watch my dad play in the softball game? He's the best one on the team.
Niles: Of course I am, Freddy. I'll be there sitting right between you and Daphne.

Samantha: Well, just tell me what you want, Frasier. Do you want to be the traditional man, and I'll be the put-upon woman?
Frasier: No. That's not what I want. I just wish that we could have a relationship where neither one of us is the man.
Samantha: So, that would make us, what? A lesbian couple?
Frasier: [laughs] Well, they're very in now.

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Dr. Niles Crane: [Gasps] Which one was he?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Big neck, dead eyed, snapped your PBS umbrella.

Martin: Looks like Louise's whole retirement home turned out for this, must've been liver and onions day.

Rabbi: What was that gobbledygook?
Frasier: It's a blessing for my son!
[Recites sentence in Klingon]
Rabbi: That means nothing. It's gibberish!
Frasier: What?
Jeremy: That's not gibberish - it's Klingon!
Frasier: Oh, dear god!
Jeremy: Freddy's dad just blessed him in Klingon!

Frasier: So, what's new?
Niles: Well, Yoshi the gardener finally won the battle of the wills. He got Maris to dig up her camellias so he could put in that precious Zen garden that he's been hocking us about since last fall.
Frasier: How did that turn out?
Niles: Oh, it's beautiful, it's the perfect place for meditation. Yesterday, I found Maris smack-dab in the middle sitting in the lotus position.
Frasier: Well, good for her. Apparently it's bringing out her spiritual side.
Niles: I'm not sure, she was reading a Danielle Steele novel and making a nail appointment on her cellular phone.

Frasier: Where was I?
Niles: You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

Martin: [to Niles] All right, what's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he has a date or something?
Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't.
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself.
Martin: Oh, that's all right.
[sitting in his chair]
Martin: Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember, one hand washes the other around here.
Frasier: What does that mean?
Martin: Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris from 14-12.
Frasier: Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on?
[In the background, Niles stands behind his chair, grinning widely]
Martin: Oh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner.
[without looking back]
Martin: Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
[Niles looks offended]
Martin: What do you say, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we've got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we got playing cards - does she like to play Canasta?
Niles: Oh! - and PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands of the 30's and 40's.
Frasier: Ooh, wow...
Martin: Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little liniment into each other's joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch!

Martin: So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Daphne: Let me guess. I'm a bit psychic. Let's see... you're some sort of a doctor. An osteopath, perhaps?
Jerome: No.
Daphne: Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Would we sleep together?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I thought we'd freeze your sperm.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Is that a yes or a no?

Daphne: [drinking with Bulldog in a limo] I love champagne, but it makes me tipsy, but that's the beauty of riding in a limo, unless of course the driver's been drinking. I'll check.
[picks up phone]
Daphne: You're not drinking, are you?
[to Bulldog]
Daphne: He says he's not. So, let's drink to the driver not drinking. Did I mention this is my first time in a limo? Yes of course I did.

[Niles refuses to sub for Frasier during his vacation]
Frasier: Very well. You leave me no alternative but to call in my marker.
Niles: [nervous] What marker?
Frasier: Oh, I think you know.
Niles: You wouldn't.
Frasier: I would.
Niles: You can't!
Frasier: I will.
Niles: That was three years ago.
Frasier: I don't recall there being any statute of limitations. I distinctly recall that when you asked me to go out with Maris's sister, you said that you would "owe me one forever."
Niles: But you only spent one evening with Brie. That hardly compares with what you're asking me to endure.
Frasier: Oh? Shall I refresh your memory? Midway through the opera her ermine muff began to tremble. As it turned out she had used it to smuggle in her adorably incontinent Chihuahua. Just as I thought we'd reached the low point of the evening I suddenly felt a sandpaper tongue licking my earlobe. Alas it did not belong to little Hervé! Fortunately my shriek coincided with the on-stage murder of Gondolfo! Roz will expect you on Monday at two.
Niles: For your information, Brie had a very tough row to hoe growing up. It's not easy going through life with one nostril.
Frasier: Did I mention she had a cold that night?
Niles: ...Monday at two it is.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You had me convinced that you held the keys to Claire's kingdom and the truth is, I didn't need the key. When I got there the gates were open, the mat said "Welcome Frasier".

Bebe: Isn't he marvelous? He's a cowboy wrapped in a genius wrapped in a dream... wrapped in another cowboy.

Frasier: It may be an unwise man that doesn't learn from his own mistakes but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.

Roz: So what was it like being married to Nanny Gee?
Frasier: Oh, gosh... we were so young and immature. We had huge fights over nothing. But in the bedroom...
Roz: [nods to Alice] Frasier!
Roz: Sorry.
Roz: So, uh, Nanny Gee gave you nice "hugs"?
Frasier: Oh, big hugs.
Roz: No kidding.
Frasier: We used to hug our brains out. In fact, you know, the last time we saw each other she wanted to have a little reunion hug, but alas, I was still married to Lilith and settling for my weekly handshake.

Martin: I guess it's too much to expect my own family to make a person I care about feel welcome.
Frasier: Wait a minute! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome?
Niles: Ooh! Frasier, you're right. He almost got away with that.
Frasier: When did Lilith ever set foot in your house that you didn't make her feel as wanted as a fungus?
Niles: Not to mention my Maris.
Martin: You're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow- wife?

Dr. Niles Crane: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.

Martin: Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay too.
Bebe: That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us "kids" out here unchaperoned.
Martin: Better him than me.

Lilith: If he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?
Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that.

Frederick: I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help?
Niles: I wouldn't know where to begin.

Niles: Everyone deserves a fuss. You above all. You've helped a lot of people, they deserve a chance to thank you for it.
Frasier: Thank you, Niles.

Roz: I discovered I'm not the only woman using my dog to meet men. Apparently we also hunt in packs.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, please, I have had enough of your finger wagging. I am doing what any red-blooded American man would do. For God's sake, there's nothing wrong with playing the field.
Niles: It looks like you've been eating the field. What did you have for lunch?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Pesto. Oh, my God! I better go freshen up.

Dr. Niles Crane: [seeing his party guests out] Thank you so much for this second chance. I can assure you, from now on this will be the quietest apartment in the Montana.
Roz: [offscreen, seeing Baby's dead body in the fridge] Oh, my god!
Dr. Niles Crane: [trying to ignore Roz] Goodnight.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, Roz, please trust me, my way is better. Get in here.
[Frasier and Roz enter the waiting room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ah, Mrs. Mulhern. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's such a pleasure to meet you.
Mrs. Mulhern: Oh, Dr. Crane, I can't thank you enough for finding me and bringing me here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I was so moved by your story. It's a joy to do this for you.
Mrs. Mulhern: For twenty years I wondered where my little girl was, and if I'd ever see her again.
Roz: What did you two fight about to begin with?
Mrs. Mulhern: Oh, I blame myself. I thought the man she wanted to marry wasn't good enough for her, so she eloped. And I've been so afraid the emphysema would finish me before I could ask her forgiveness and tell her I love her.

Dr. Niles Crane: Roz, are you trying to avoid me?
Roz: Well, can you blame me? I mean, it took you nearly a year just to learn my name and every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide remark to make.
Dr. Niles Crane: Name one.
Roz: Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get into than a community college.
Dr. Niles Crane: I was hoping you'd name that one.

Dr. Niles Crane: [after finding a skull] Perhaps it's a builder who got trapped during construction, or an exterminator who was overcome with fumes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Excellent hypotheses, Niles. But unfortunately, neither is plausible.
Dr. Niles Crane: Why not?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Because, Niles, when you die, your head doesn't pop off like a champagne cork!

Lana: [Frasier takes a drag from her cigarette] I didn't know you smoked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't. The way you're driving, I'm not going to die from natural causes anyway.

Roz: Okay, table four wants to make some changes: they want the Sole Veronica without the grapes,
[Daphne begins flicking off the grapes]
Roz: spinach instead of broccoli and risotto instead of pasta. They also want the swordfish but hold the capers.
Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes, can't you just tell them no substitutions?
Roz: I have trouble saying no.
Niles: So the guidebooks tell us.
Roz: You want to get thrown in the tank with the rest of the eels?
Daphne: Well, you're not making this very easy. You waltz in here, queen of the waitresses, la-di-da, extra broccoli, hold the capers, and then you go back out on the fun side of the door.
Roz: You want to trade places with me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

Daphne: Dr. Snow has a little saying: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".
Frasier: She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it.

Martin: You sleeping?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I was trying to. I'm attempting to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpiness is nocturnal, so I have to be, as well.
Martin: I got the answer to the problem, right here in this box.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?

[Bulldog picks up Roz's daughter Alice]
Bulldog: Hey, look who's here. Hey, sweetpea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room any more.

Julia: You're a magic eight-ball with a Harvard degree.

Bebe: I've been to hell and back so often I've got frequent flyer miles!

Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, there's something else we never got around to in Bora Bora.
Madeline: Well *you* got around to it, I just watched.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [handing Claire a glass of wine] Here we are. This is one of my favorites!
Claire: That's so sweet of you, but Neil just brought me a glass.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, this one, yes. That's a delightful little wine. But this happens to be a Bavaresco Diam, the greatest Italian red since Roberto Rossellini!

Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Cassandra, I know this may sound like a silly question seeing as how we're... in bed together and... nearly naked, and... I've just been wondering: Is this a romantic date, or... a business thing?

Alistair: Frasier, this apartment is stunning.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thank you.
Alistair: The view - breathtaking; the art - perfect; the chair - hilarious.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, why can't we be happy. Why must we allow the thought of something that to this point could only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?
Dr. Niles Crane: I don't know, let's figure it out on the other side.

Dr. Niles Crane: [after watching Eddie's pigeon fall down to his neighbour's awning] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! Not you, Mrs Cunningham.

Daphne: Do you know how many operas I'm gonna get dragged to now that you're not around?
Frasier: Well, I promise I'll fly up for all the German ones!

Niles: Oh, I know who you should see. Dr. Gary Numan - his office is in my building. He has a very successful practice. I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.
Frasier: Oh, a Lichtenstein! Sounds perfect!

Daphne: [about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.
Niles: Nonsense!
Daphne: And that I'm too picky.
Niles: Poppycock!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone.
Niles: [after a pause] Just to play devil's advocate...

Frasier: Well, you're a fountain of comfort this evening!
Niles: Oh, I'm just teasing. If you must know, I'm a little jealous. I told Maris about your troubles. All she does is sulk and talk about bodyguards. "Why don't we need one? Aren't we important enough to be stalked?" I have no idea what to say to the poor woman.
Martin: Tell her to just go on being herself and her day will come.

Tom: [after realizing Niles is not gay] So this Maris he keeps talking about is really a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Ever since you arrived here, you have been nothing but condescending and dismissive.
Julia: Whatever.

[Maris has been arrested for murder]
Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [answering his office phone] Hello? Yes, well, I'm afraid my calendar is rather booked right now. All right, I suppose I could try to squeeze you in somewhere. And your last name, please? Rection? That's unusual. And your first name?... That's not funny either, Dad!

Bebe: Why are you so tense? What could be more fun?
Frasier: Watching a loved one be autopsied.
Bebe: Think of them sweating in their offices, chain smoking, biting their nails, their ulcers churning out enough acid to burn a hole in a ship's hull, oh God! And to think I nearly went into nursing.

Gil: Thank God I'm nominated. Now I won't have to attend the Chestertons.
Roz: The Chestertons?
Gil: It's an elaborate awards show my wife and the dogs put on when I'm overlooked by the SeaBees.

Daphne: I think you look particularly lovely tonight. There's a real glow about you.
Roz: Oh no! Oh God, not a glow!
[calms down]
Roz: I'm sorry, I'm just a little jumpy. I had... kind of an accident, and I just haven't found out what the damage is yet. Actually, I need to check my machine. Do you know where a phone is?
Daphne: Yeah, there's one at the top of the stairs.
Roz: Thank you.
Daphne: Try not to worry. A few years back, I got rear-ended. Is that what happened to you?
Roz: Not exactly.

Daphne: When I shook hands with that woman, I lost all feeling in me arm.

Dr. Niles Crane: Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream, creating a powerful epoxy!

Shangri: Hey, it's the Coyote!
Dr. Niles Crane: Evening, evening, Jimbo. Check you later.
Martin: Wow, you got a nickname down there already. That's great! The Coyote?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And how did you earn that honorific?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, it was quite the merry road. Yes, it evolved from Niles to Nilesy to Niley to Nile E. Coyote and now simply "The Coyote."

Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except contempt.
Martin: There he goes again. You know what they say about people who protest too much.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I know what you used to say: they should all be tear-gassed!
Martin: [pause] I still think that, you know.

Faye: That was an escape call, wasn't it?
Frasier: No. What are you talking about?
Faye: Come on, it's a blind date. You wanted a way to back out.
Frasier: You are sharp, aren't you? How did you know?
[Faye's phone rings]

Bob: [using a fake Chinese accent] Aww, so you come chop-chop to Hoo-nan Parace, where Pekin' duck is awrays extla clispy!
Roz: We're gonna get sued this time, for sure.

[during a blackout]
Frasier: Now we can all sit here in the dark and be miserable or we can try to have some fun.
Niles: I'm going to call Maris.
Frasier: Well, Niles has voted. Who votes for fun?

Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, well. This has been delightful, but I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.

Niles: I'll be fine. There'll be plenty of time to sleep after the baby's born.

Martin: [Niles finishes playing a lively song on the piano, while he and Martin are smoking cigars] Ah, they don't write songs like that anymore.
Dr. Niles Crane: This is really what men do, isn't it, Dad?
Martin: Yeah. This, and some things outdoors, but we'll just stick to this for now.

Daphne: Oh I need a cup of tea.
Frasier: Tea! Why don't you just waive a crumpet in the air and start singing "God Save the Queen"!

Dr. Frasier Crane: It's asleep, Dad.
Martin: No, it's not.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really, he hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.
Martin: That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security. The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.
[long pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane: What-are-you-talking-about?
[measures with his fingers]
Dr. Frasier Crane: A gecko's brain is, like, this big.
Martin: [measures with his fingernails] But a cricket's brain is only this big.

Appraiser: [the guys are watching "Antiques Roadshow" and playing a drinking game] The real clue here is the veneer.
Martin: Veneer!
[they all take a sip of alcohol]

Frasier: Coffee, Dad?
Martin: Why not? I'm up six times a night anyway, I might as well be alert!

[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Frasier: Yeeeess?
Niles: Searched the credenza!

[Martin answers the door to Niles, a nervous wreck]
Martin: Hey, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Maris found a gray hair.
Martin: Daphne, get Niles a brandy.
Dr. Niles Crane: It was right at the apex of her widow's peak.
Martin: Better bring the bottle!
Dr. Niles Crane: She blames me, Dad. She said it's from the stress I caused her last night when I thoughtlessly turned on the light while she was getting undressed.

Dr. Niles Crane: [flashback; Maris' car has been booted] Dad, Maris is very upset. And so am I. I can't believe you booted her.
Martin: Hey, I wouldn't be upset if you booted her.
[Martin and Frank laugh, slapping hands under the table]

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles is lying on Frasier's couch, nursing his sore knee] Is there anything I can get you, Niles? A cold pack, perhaps?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no. If Daphne ever comes out of her room, I'll just use her icy stare.

Niles: How he could notice a fleck of foie gras on a Jackson Pollock is beyond me.

Diane: [to Mel, after Niles has essentially humiliated her] It's all right, dear, we've known for some time he doesn't deserve you.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Well, you've seen what I have to put up with. I've tried so hard, I really have.
Lois: I don't know how you've put up with him this long.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: I just want out.
Ted: Don't worry, I'll handle the divorce papers personally! This jackass will be out of your life by the end of the week!
Dr. Niles Crane: You mean it?
Alan: [to Frasier] See you around, Crane.

Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.

Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Niles, this is important. If anyone should ask about the honeymoon, we're flying to Paris, then we're taking the Orient Express to Venice, where we'll spend two weeks at the Monsarta Palazzetto suite at the Cipriani.
[Niles stares at her for a moment]
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: What's the matter?
Dr. Niles Crane: Sounds like a wonderful trip.
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: It's not my fault we're not going.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know.

Kirby: You never said there was gonna be pop quizzes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's the "pop" part.

Martin: So, you've been out on a double date, huh?
Beth: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.
Martin: Oh, what did you see?
Laura: 'The Man Who Came To Dinner.' It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
Martin: Oh, comedy?
Frasier: I used to think so.

Caitlin: I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat. Oh! I hope I'm not screwing up your menu. What are you serving?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, so far, parsley.

Frasier: [Frasier is directing a rehearsal of "Nightmare Inn" in his living room] I'm still not entirely happy with the second McAllister sister. She doesn't sound spinsterish enough for me.
Mel: I see. You also told me that me gamekeeper sounded too cultured, that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic, and that my dwarf was too tall.
[walks to the front door]
Mel: Let me try Hans again; tell me how my German is sounding.
[opens the door]
Mel: I qvit!
[walks out, slamming door]

Bob: Hey doc. Roz. Wait till you hear this. I got a job today.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really?
Bob: You ought to rub me for good luck.
Roz: Where?
Bob: Well start on my knee, work your way up.
Roz: Where's the job?
Bob: Oh, it's this new all-sports station. I got the breakfast slot. I even came up with a slogan: 'Coffee, eggs and Bulldog.'
Dr. Frasier Crane: Sounds like some sort of a Malaysian Happy Meal.

[Frasier and Chelsea bring home a trophy]
Martin: [to Niles] But I don't want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don't.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh please, Dad, I'm a little more mature than that.
Martin: No, you're not. It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that was your fault!

Frasier: Niles, have you been self-medicating again?

Dr. Niles Crane: [Roz spits raisins into a paper cup] Well it's good to see all those years at finishing school haven't gone to waste.

Daphne: Don't you ever clean that thing out?
Martin: No, it's bad luck. Everybody knows that. You show up on a fishing trip with a tackle box that doesn't smell like the most rancid, rotten thing on the face of the earth, then nobody will sit by you.
Frasier: [entering the apartment with Niles] Yes, Niles, I used to have the same problem with my multiple personality patients. They always kept saying that the other one had sent the check.
Niles: [sniffing] What an odd combination of odors. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

Martin: One time when I was on the force I saw a guy shoot somebody, when we caught him I started to read him his rights but he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't get a chance to finish. Two months later i'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if i read him his rights in full. Now if I say no this guy walksand this guy has been in and out of jail all his life, he could have read ME his rights. So I said 'Yes, I did. I read 'em in full'. I lied under oath. Now you might think that I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue to the peppy part?

Martin: Why do animals always drag these kinds of things into the house?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What is it, a rat?
Martin: Worse.
[Eddie runs in with a Barbie in his mouth]
Martin: He found a doll in the park the other day and all he does is carry it around in his mouth. He never did these kinds of things until you got him fixed.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
Bebe: You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Uh-huh.
Bebe: They haven't come up to it yet.

Frasier: Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

Daphne: I don't understand this American obsession with sports figures. They're all so superficial.
Martin: Yeah, it's not like they do anything real important, like sit on a throne or christen ships.

Roz: Got some messages. Bob. Bob. And--oh look--here's one from Bob.
Frasier: Two weeks and 45 phone calls. Can't we just get an unlisted number?
Roz: They sort of frown on that with call-in shows.

Frasier: A Hall and Oates tape. That rules you out, Dad. And it definitely rules out Niles.
Daphne: [in tears] Dr. Crane...
Frasier: Or does it? Perhaps the tape is just a red herring, meant to throw me off the scent. A psychological game. There's only one of you that would combat me on that level.
Daphne: I did it.
Frasier: Ah-ha!
Dr. Niles Crane: You can't say "Ah-ha". You thought it was me.

Martin: [trying to hit a high note] O niiiiiiiggggghhhhhht, DEVIIIIIIIINE!
[tenant below pounds on the ceiling]
Martin: Oh shut up!

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare] So, you're going to see her again?
Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You're not still feeling guilty, are you?
Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, I have a theory.
Martin: Geez!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.
Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!
Daphne: Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?
Martin: [being sarcastic] Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?
Daphne: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.
Martin: You think that was wrong?
Daphne: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.
Martin: See, I told you, Frasier.
Daphne: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.
[getting carried away and confused]
Daphne: We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne?
Daphne: Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.
[Daphne leaves to her room]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boy that was strange, wasn't it?
Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!
[Martin gets up and gets his coat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Where the hell are you going?
Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!

Frasier: Niles, was that Natalie Spencer I just saw you talking with?
Niles: As a matter of fact it was. I've been admiring her all evening, so I steeled myself and asked her if she might be free next week.
Frasier: And?
Niles: Well, her lips said "no", but her eyes said "read my lips".

Niles: In the last five days, that woman has made my life a living hell.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You wanna trade? Simon put my sixty-five-dollar apricot skin polish on his muffins!

Daphne: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella.
Frasier: Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set-up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here.
Daphne: Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean.

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off!
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this I'll kill you."
Martin: Big talk for somebody in a Volvo!

Martin: [for Frasier's party, Niles is dressed as Martin and Daphne as Elton John] All right, stop it.
Dr. Niles Crane: What?
Martin: I don't want to watch myself make out with Elton John.

Frasier: Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Martin: Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some foundation garments.
Frasier: I think they call them "bras" now.
Martin: Not these, you don't. You could cross the River Kwai on one of those babies.

Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don't you just try talking to her?
Dr. Frasier Crane: We tried talking when we were married. We found we were better at playing games.

Niles: [as personality differences between Frasier and Martin are becoming more apparent] Now that you two are settled in, I have to run. I'm late for my "Dysfunctional Family" seminar.

Roz: Is there no place I can go without running into some guy I've dated?
Niles: I was reading about a Trappist monastery in the Amazon that they somehow built into the treetops.

[Niles's counseling has turned around a basketball player's game, making him the toast of Seattle]
Niles: Suddenly I'm being revered as a god by the same troglodytes who, in junior high school, tried to pack me into my own briefcase. It's glorious.

Frasier: Quiche Lorraine, anyone?
Steve: Quiche her? I hardly know her!
Paula: Oh, Steve!
Steve: [Puts nose over it] Boy, that smells wonderful.
Paula: [With nose over it] Does it ever.
[Frasier holds in his laughter]
Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosy.
[Frasier tries his utmost not to laugh]
Paula: Me nosy? You're the nosy one in the family.
Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosy!
Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
Martin: [Frasier walks back to the kitchen] Something wrong, Fras?
Frasier: [Frasier bursts with hysterical - and clearly audible - laughter] "Quiche her? I hardly know her!"
[everyone laughs]
Frasier: I just got that!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice, I swear I am in a full-blown crisis.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you are talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's not the belt! My high-school reunion is tonight and you know my history.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, not this folderol again.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's not folderol!
Dr. Niles Crane: It's folderol.

Roz: I read an article that said listening to classical music makes toddlers smarter. Something about making their brain bigger, or wider... I don't know.
Frasier: I believe the word you're looking for is "smartified."
Roz: Oh, yeah? Well guess which word I'm looking for now.

Niles: [about Maris] She's pushed me around long enough. Metaphorically of course. In reality she can hardly push at all. Like that terrible afternoon last spring she spent trapped in the revolving doors at Bergdorf's!

Frasier: I was enjoying our museum chat and I was wondering how we got onto the subject of mothers.
Marie: Well, it was a Whistler exhibit.

Roz: [knock at the door] I'm sorry Mrs. Wozniak. I know the balcony is not for sex play.
Frasier: It's Frasier. And by the way - charming.

Carrie: Excuse me, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Carrie.
Carrie: Hi. I have your pants.
Bob: Whoa, doc!
[honks horn]
Bob: Where'd you leave them?
Dr. Frasier Crane: They're new, Bulldog. Some of the finer department stores deliver garments to their busier customers.
Carrie: Actually, we don't. I just thought it would be nice to see you again.
Bob: Excuse me. You look very familiar. Didn't I let you pour a flaming tequila shooter down my throat at Sloppy Nick's during ah, last year's Indy 500?
Carrie: Ahhh, no.
Bob: Well, what are you doing next Memorial Day?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Bulldog, as certain as I am that any young lady in the world would love to set your face on fire, Carrie, I believe, is here to see me.
Bob: Okay. Hey, you can't blame a dog for trying. Just on the off chance it might make a difference, I drive a '94 Camaro.
[He leaves]
Carrie: Is he gay?
[Frasier looks at her, surprised]
Carrie: I've been studying about this in school, and it seems like he's really overcompensating.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, well, I'm not sure. But I certainly look forward to running that theory by him.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my book?
Martin: No problem.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Martin sits quietly, not looking as Frasier reads. This finally irks Frasier] What are you doing?
Martin: I'm leaving you alone.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, it's very annoying!

Marta: [after Niles says his goodbyes to the servants] Uh, the staff, they have a question: Can we come with you?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into] I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?
Niles: On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.
Martin: [Holding Niles' dog] Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

Madeleine: Well, you know when we first started going out, we both agreed we didn't want to rush into the physical part, that we'd save ourselves for the right moment.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [looking around in surprise] It's now?
Madeleine: No, actually, uh, I was wondering what you thought about us going away for the weekend -- just the two of us.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, uh... I'd miss my favorite shows, but sure.
Madeleine: I was thinking, two, three days...
Dr. Frasier Crane: [They kiss. The kiss gets deeper. They throw their arms around each other] I was thinking more like a week.
Madeleine: Okay, now for the really big question: When?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, the minute we get there.

Roz: Oh, those awards are torture, they're endless. Can I bring my sister?

[Lillith is visiting the apartment; Eddie the dog is refusing to enter the building]
Daphne: It's like he can sense an earthquake or a dark force or... hello Lillith.

Lorna: You know, I thought you'd be a nice rebound fling, get my feet wet dating again, you don't want that, that's fine. But I'll tell you what we are going to do: you're going to take my arm, you're going to escort me in that room, we're going to dance, make out like freshmen and leave with your hand on my ass, you got it?
Frasier: Shall we?

Jeremy: Seriously, your dad's Klingon is really good.
Frederick: What did he say?
Jeremy: Well, roughly translated, it says, "My dearest son, each day you redeem, may your journey be filled with the same joy, wisdom, and purpose you have given mine." It's a lot more beautiful in the original Klingon.

Bebe: You have a way of cutting through the baloney that knocks me cold.

[Niles paces back and forth on Frasier's balcony, swatting Frasier's ficus plant every time he passes it]
Daphne: What's Dr. Crane doing?
Frasier: He's a little frustrated because I wouldn't let him do something. He's taking his anger out on my ficus.
Daphne: I've never seen him so angry, he's like a madman.
[Niles starts waving his arms around like a madman. Frasier lets him in]
Niles: Good Lord! There's a bee out there the size of a wood finch!

Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

Dr. Niles Crane: I just met the most fabulous woman.
Frasier: Oh that's fabulous.
Dr. Niles Crane: [to bartender] Two white wines.
Frasier: I also met someone who's terrific.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, wait, wait. I can't wait. I have to show you mine first. She's over by the buffet.
Frasier: Right, so's mine.
Dr. Niles Crane: [They both wave to the corner, Vickie waves back] Frasier, let me ask you something: At what point would you like to acknowledge that we're both waving to the same woman?

Claire: Frasier, I wanted to ask you something. Saturday night, are you free?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Only with a coupon.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You're just in time, I'm throwing a party for my fan club.
Martin: Here?
Dr. Niles Crane: Is there some problem with the bridge they normally meet under?

Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried] Here?
Martin: [worried] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic] Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

Frasier: Oh look, there's Niles. No, no, don't look! Pretend we don't even see him.
Roz: Real mature, Frasier.
Frasier: Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase that I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."

Roz: Now, Daphne. If the jewelry wasn't that good, and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost, here?
Frasier: Roz weighs in with the Gabor approach to therapy.

Daphne: I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous sheep's head stew.
[looks of horror]
Daphne: Oh, don't worry; the name's a bit misleading... It's actually more of a soup.

Daphne: Well, this woman you're so in love with. Who is she?
Dr. Niles Crane: You didn't hear that part, did you?
Daphne: No, so come on! What's her name? You can't back out now.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, you're right, I can't. Ok, her name. Well, her name just happens to be... Da - Phyllis.
Daphne: Oh, I've never heard that name. DaPhyllis.
Dr. Niles Crane: It's a family name. Her friends call her Phyllis. 'Scuse me.

Roz: Is that a new TV?
Martin: Yeah.
Roz: That's great. Did you get it hooked up yet?
Martin: No, I decided I'd let Niles take a crack at it first.

Dr. Niles Crane: [smells the air] Frasier's morel mushroom and tarragon sauce.
Samantha: How did you know that?
Frasier: Niles has always been able to identify sauce from a great distance.
Martin: His mother and I were so proud.

Bulldog: [Roz sits back and sexily unbuttons her blouse, revealing her underwear to Bulldog] Wow! Victoria's Secret, page 39.
Roz: Why don't we just skip dinner and go straight to dessert?
Bulldog: Uh-ho! Penthouse Forum, page 23.

Dr. Niles Crane: It's just as possible that she knew those men were wrong for her. Isn't that right, Dad?
Martin: [searching the room] Leave me out of this. I'm just looking for my TV Guide.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I could use a little support here.
Martin: [straightens up] Well, maybe that's why I said to leave me out of it. I'm sorry, Niles. I want you to be happy, but I'm with your brother on this.

Frasier: Hello ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens up?
Laura: Oh, please do!
Frasier: Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and...
[pauses to look at Niles wiping down his chair]
Frasier: ... this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.

Martin: You think I don't see the way you look at Daphne?
Niles: What are you implying?
Martin: You know damn well what I'm implying. Take my word for it - you're sticking a fork in a toaster.
Niles: Well, my muffin's stuck!

Niles: [smelling Daphne's perfume] Is that "Forbidden"?
Frasier: In every sense of the word.

Daphne: Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.

Kirby: You can't quit now, Dad! If you're gonna come back, you gotta get used to her screaming!

Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago.
[starts to chuckle, then]
Niles: Nope, still can't laugh about it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz was right. The minute I stop looking for the perfect woman, she falls right into my lap.
Niles: Well I hope you're comfortable with that arrangement because that's where she'll be seated Friday night.

Frasier: My God, are you half as nervous as I am?
Lilith: And then some.
Frasier: We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
Lilith: Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
Frasier: I'll assume you meant the Valium.
Lilith: Perhaps before the interview, you should sheath that butter-knife sharp wit of yours.
Frasier: Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two!

Daphne: [with the box of puppies] Oh, couldn't you just eat them up!
Frasier: For God sakes, don't love them! They'll think they're staying!

Roz: [to Kenny, who has passed the presenter's role to Martin] You are such a weenie.
Kenny: Yeah, weenie like a fox.

Daphne: How much longer do we have stay?
Martin: What are you in such a snit about?
Daphne: This lot. Thanks to your sister-in-law, they're all sniggering about me being your "physical therapist."
Martin: Oh, don't let it bother you. She's always been a pain.
Daphne: You're telling me. Dried-up old grape leaf!
Martin: Yeah, and she's one to talk about reputations, too. Between you and me, before she married my brother, she was easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich.

Bob: [At the lost luggage counter] You been waiting here long?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Time is irrelevant here in the 7th circle of Hell. The place where even despair dies.

Daphne: I'm so sorry. My timing's so terrible.
Donny: Not really. If you hang around a few minutes, I'm sure we can get you on the wedding video.
Daphne: I really had no idea you were getting married so soon.
Donny: Well, call me crazy, but I've got a prejudice against long engagements.

Niles: You know, sometimes I wonder if I'm not just in psychiatry for the money.
Frasier: Oh, I wouldn't say that's true. If it were... oh, forget it.
Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years: did I marry Maris for the money?
[Frasier nods]
Niles: I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.

Daphne: Can we offer you a drink?
Sherry: Well, actually, since it's a special occasion, I brought some bubbly. Let's crack it open!
[tosses the bag containing a bottle to Niles]
Niles: Yes, why not? Oh look Frasier--Cold Duck!
Sherry: You ever had it?
Frasier: Just once!

Lilith: Daphne, is your fiance joining us?
Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.
Lilith: Wow. Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.
Daphne: Yeah, it's been a good year.

Kim: This is fun. But, I'm kinda thinkin' that I'd like to go someplace a little less... crowded.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Okay. Uh, well, thank you, I enjoyed our time together.
Kim: No, I meant someplace... a little more private.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I understand completely. I take no offence.
Kim: Your place.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes, yes indeed. Well, should we go together to my place or...? Well, you must have your own car so I could give you directions or, well, we could drive together and then I could drive you back here or we could drive together and then you could get a cab back here...
Kim: [Kim puts her hand over his mouth] I don't care how we get there, let's just get there!

Frasier: Hello there.
[sits with him]
Frasier: Could I buy you a cup of coffee? You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse, trying to get in touch with America. Now, you, you look like you be a farmer.
Farmer: Oh, I get it. You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby clothes and you pin your little label on him. Well guess what, I am a farmer. But I'm also a beautiful, flawed, complicated human being, and it's going to take more than a cup of coffee to get inside here.
Frasier: [Awkward pause] I'll just go see how my father's doing.

Daphne: Well, isn't this ironic! All these years I've nagged him to make something of himself. And now look at him, a captain of industry, and still as handsome as ever.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, well, send in the clowns!
[Roz and Frasier enter from the balcony]
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't bother, they're here.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Charlotte, hi. You remember my brother Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, Charlotte, how are you?
Charlotte: Oh, hello. Well, frustrated. Been selling this guy all over town, but no one's buying.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, perhaps if you threw in a toaster.

Noel: Me, nothin' much has changed. Still living with my mom. Still working on that Klingon-to-English dictionary.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Noel, how do you say "goodbye" in Klingon?
Noel: Oh, it depends. If you're talking to a superior officer, then...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Noel!
Noel: Krish-krush.

Niles: So, you want to build a two-master schooner...
Daphne: Schooner? I thought it was a frigate.
Niles: No, a frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
Daphne: No, no, that's a brigantine.
Niles: Oh, you're right. Well, then what's a frigate?
Martin: That's when you just don't give a damn anymore!
[leaves]

Bulldog: You know, I never would have thought this a couple of weeks ago, but you and I have great chemistry together, don't we?
Bulldog: Uh-huh. I like chemistry. I flunked it, but I like it.

Frasier: You know, I guess I better get packing.
Martin: What're you talking about? You got your bags right there.
Frasier: No, Dad, these are my "Daddy" clothes. I have to go and pack my "Come to Daddy" clothes.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] All right, here's our plan. We go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and, once we've tapped into their mainframe, La Porte D'Argent will give up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night!

Frasier: You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?
Niles: Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

Niles: Dad? I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me on Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way. I understand that if the onion rings aren't as big as your head, you get them for free.

Gil: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: Mmm, cheesy.
Gil: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." *Le mot juste*. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep.

[cooking with Daphne]
Niles: Whisk.
[she hands it to him, he whisks]
Niles: Spoon.
[she hands it to him, he stirs]
Niles: Cheese cloth.
[she wipes his brow; the oven pings]
Niles: Perfect timing. Daphne, open the oven.
[he places it in the oven]
Niles: Ready.
Daphne: Shall I close, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Please.
Daphne: Do you think it'll be all right?
Niles: It's out of our hands now, Daphne.

Frasier: Niles, are you going to be spending the evening with us?
Niles: Yes. As much as my Maris misses me, she feels family comes first. When she saw this model, she felt it was the perfect project for me to share with dad.
Frasier: She wanted you out of the house, huh?
Niles: Like a musty smell.

Gil: [Frasier is still casting for his radio play Nightmare Inn] Oh, Frasier. I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Kragen, the brutish gamekeeper.
Frasier: You know, Gil. I think that's just a bit too on the nose.
[Gil nods in agreement]

Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality; the power lines always take out a few.

Madeline: Well, what's your name, little fella?
Dr. Frasier Crane: You promise you won't laugh?

Martin: Well, my vote sure goes for Cassandra.
Daphne: Oh, you would say that. Any young woman who shows you any attention, you're ready to sign over your pension check. I think he should go for Faye.
Martin: Oh Faye, Faye, if he wants some boring, artsy-fartsy conversation, he's got Niles.

Martin: There's nothing like the smell of charbroiled meat.
Niles: This aroma's triggering a sense memory. Something familiar. It's... oh, of course, Maris in her home tanning bed.

Frasier: Well, it's not unheard of for a woman like you to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants.
Kate: Oh, very clever! What about you using your masculine wiles to get what you want?
Frasier: You think my wiles are masculine?
Kate: No, I am not going down that road again.
Frasier: 'Course you're not. Because at the end of that road is a cul-de-sac of vulnerability. That's not you, is it?
Kate: Cul-de-sac of vulnerability?

Sherry: I just love making people laugh. I think humor is like medicine.
Niles: [aside] Oh, we must be in the placebo group.

Niles: [has just found out that Daphne is in love with him] I was just talking to Frasier about a conversation you two had.
Daphne: Oh, dear!
Niles: No, no. Don't get upset.
Daphne: I specifically asked him not to say anything. What was he thinking?
Niles: No, I'm glad he told me.
Daphne: Oh, yes! So we can have a big talk about it! That's what you psychiatrists always do, drag everything out into the open so we can work through it. No matter how awkward it might be. Well, I just don't see the point!
Niles: No, Daphne, I'm glad he told me - because I love you.

Frasier: Niles, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little bit concerned about this. Maris claps her hands; you come running?
Niles: Well, don't forget, there's a little something for me in this, too. I haven't had sex in six months.
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating. You've only been separated for three.
Niles: Your point would be?

Niles: Well, let's get back to work. I need something to take my mind off the fact that, at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into non-fat milk bath.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue.
Morrie: More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother - who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time...
[Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking]
Morrie: I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy? See how she gets?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps what is needed here is...
[click]
Celeste: You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment...
Celeste: A man? It's worse than I thought.
[Another click]
Celeste's: Celeste?
Celeste: Hang up, Ma!
Celeste's: You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen.
Morrie: How about washing a dish or two while you're down there?
[Yet another click]
Britney: I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home.
Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And neither is this conversation.
[He cuts off the line]

Dr. Niles Crane: I've never missed the kennel club show. If I don't go this year, people will think I've let Maris and Schenkman intimidate me! I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.

Niles: There we go--double espresso, and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to you?
Frasier: No.
Niles: Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand.
[takes a sip and swishes them around like wine]
Niles: Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm --waxy.

Frasier: Oh, er, Dad...
Martin: It's not here yet.
Frasier: How did you even...
Martin: You've been yakking about it for weeks. Your new blazer's coming. It's Italian, it's hand-stitched, it cost more money than my first car.
Frasier: Yes, well, it's made from very expensive material. They have to find exactly the right kind of goat.
Martin: Looks like they did!

Niles: 'Course, it's been no picnic for those of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new stationery with an accent aigu over the 'e' in our name. Hereafter, her memos will read, From the desk of Maris Crané.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles hangs up on Maris] Well, good for you, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, the second I heard her voice I knew I couldn't go back.
[looks at the room]
Dr. Niles Crane: But how am I ever going to live here?
Martin: Now, it's just temporary, Niles. She can't drag this divorce out forever.
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, Niles, perhaps this place is the price you'll have to pay for your freedom.
Dr. Niles Crane: [pauses] Well, it's worth that.

Martin: But that's not going to happen and you know why? Because we'll put a little harness on the gecko so it doesn't run away.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, this just gets better and better.
Martin: I thought I had some twine here.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I used it to stabilize a veal shank. Why don't you just make a little harness out of, uh... the dental floss?
Martin: Hey, that's not bad!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I wasn't serious... not my cinnamon waxed!

[while Niles is filling in for Frasier]
Bulldog: Hey, Dr. Doolittle! I heard your show. It didn't suck!
Niles: Ah. "Dear Diary...
Bulldog: So, how's it feel?
Niles: Like I'm walking away from my lamppost, and counting the bills in my garter belt.

Niles: Frederick's first Christmas with you, I bet he has visions of sugar plums dancing in his head.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he probably has visions of bran.

Roz: So, is Donny going to be joining us?
Daphne: No, he's got wedding business this afternoon. He's composing our vows.
Roz: Oh, isn't that romantic?
Daphne: He's not exactly Wordsworth strolling through a shady glen. When I left, he was lying on the couch in his underwear with a tin of Vienna sausages and a rhyming dictionary on his chest.

Cora: Why would they want to drag us into their feud?
Martin: They're so much alike, you'd think they'd get along.
Cora: I think they're worried if *we* became friends, they would at least have to *try* and be nice to each other.
Martin: We ought to get married, that'd really show 'em.
Cora: [laughs] It'd be worth it just to see the looks on their faces.

Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: [surprised] Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.

Kenny: Hey, Julia! You're going to the Bike-a-Thon, right?
Roz: Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny. It's got to be tough finding a comfortable bike seat when you're such a tight-ass.
Julia: This from a woman who "peddles" her ass all over town.

Frasier: [on the air, narrating details of Roz's recent date with a doctor] Apparently, he was an avid collector of antique gynecological equipment.
[Roz pours a cup of water on Frasier's head]
Frasier: I've just gotten the signal from Roz that we're running out of time, so I'll skip ahead in our story.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Frank injured himself on our hike, so I've got Charlotte all to myself this evening. I'm not going to waste this opportunity. I'm going to make her a romantic dinner and then tell her how I feel about her.
Martin: Wow, really?
Dr. Niles Crane: Are you sure she's ready for that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I don't know, but I can't stand this ridiculous threesome anymore. You know, the worst part is how completely unthreatening Frank finds me. As if I'm some sort of a harem eunuch.
Daphne: How'd he hurt himself, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he strained his back carrying me over a brook.

Kate: [facing all employees] Aren't you people on the clock?
[everyone rushes away except Frasier]
Kate: Well, heigh ho, the dairy-o, the cheese stands alone.

[Diane's recollections of Maris]
Diane: Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman, she was the queerest little creature...
[accepts a glass of wine from Frasier]
Diane: Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen!
[she laughs loudly, then stops when she notices Frasier's uncomfortable look]
Diane: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: No, can't say as we did.

Donny: Where's Daphne? I got this little gift for her.
Niles: Oh, a John Deere cap. How... could you?
Donny: Oh, no, I'm just giving it to her to see her pretend to like it. Then I'm gonna give her a bracelet.

Lana: Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick, pick. Well, you're certainly an expert at that.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What is that supposed to mean?
Lana: It means... that nothing is ever good enough for you. You complain about everything.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not true!
Lana: Oh, come on, Frasier! I have been out with you! "The wine has turned." "The silver has tarnished." "The service is too slow." "The cheese is runny."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Fine, it was Camembert. If anything, it wasn't runny enough.

Martin: [about Regan] Pretty sweet, huh? I just found her right out in the hall.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes well, I'm sorry Dad, but you can't keep her.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [singing] I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.
Dr. Niles Crane: [singing] I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical.
Leland: [singing] About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
Dr. Frasier Crane,196104: [singing] With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
Martin: [singing] With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus.

Niles: Well, no wonder you're heartbroken. You've just lost the only woman you could ever possibly, sometime down the line, perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one.

Niles: Are you insane?
Frasier: If I were, "Doctor", you'd never know it!

Frasier: [on the phone with his son] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.

Bob: Oh, I love weddings. Never been to a wedding where I didn't bag at least one bridesmaid and the uglier the dress, the quicker they want to get out of them.

[Maris is witholding sex to persuade Niles to fire their marriage counselor]
Frasier: Now, now, now, Niles, withholding sex may be just as difficult on Maris. She may crumble first!
Niles: Are you serious? One hour of passion can sustain her for months. She stores it up like some sexual camel!

Frasier: [after Niles has failed to reconcile Daphne's parents] Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out.
Martin: Well, she can't say you didn't try.
[Daphne enters the apartment]
Dr. Niles Crane: Hello.
Daphne: Hello.
[Awkward silence]
Frasier: Well, uh, Dad, why don't we go into your bedroom? I want to show you how to use the closed captioning on your TV so you won't have to have it up so loud at night.
Martin: Yeah, sure.
[Frasier and Martin head for the bedrooms, leaving Daphne and Niles alone]
Dr. Niles Crane: Your dad's here in your room, leaving you a note. How's your mom?
Daphne: Apparently there's nothing left for her in England, so she's thinking about putting down roots here.
[Daphne sits down on the couch]
Dr. Niles Crane: [kneeling next to Daphne] Daphne, from the bottom of my heart...
Daphne: Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later? I'll drive Daddy to the airport.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'll move his suitcase to your car.
[Niles exits just as Harry comes back from Daphne's room]
Harry: There you are. Well, back to England, then.
Daphne: Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together?
Harry: Don't think so, love. Not this time.
Daphne: Maybe if you give it another chance. You could...
Harry: Daphne - I'm sorry. It's over. Has been for a long time! I mean, I've got no complaints, I got something wonderful out of it: you!
[Harry sits down next to Daphne on the couch and hugs her]
Daphne: If you don't love each other, why did you stay together for forty years? Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting?
Harry: That was for you kids.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Our show deals with the whole range of human emotion from euphoria to despair, and nothing says despair so quickly as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Roz: Nothing says "Turn off the radio" so quickly either.

Dr. Frasier Crane: What the hell did you hope to accomplish with that anyway?
Dr. Niles Crane: I was simply trying to nudge Daphne into the realization that I am the man in her vision.
Martin: Niles!
Dr. Niles Crane: [reluctant] All right. But why else would she come to me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Surely, you of all people realizes that there is some psychological basis for these visions of hers. It represents a fear of some kind. A fear of intimacy, a fear of commitment, a fear of the Windsor Knot, who knows?

[Niles abandons his decision]
Niles: I don't care what you're saying - I'm going to Maris!
Frasier: You will rue the day!
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

Ronee: [about her mother] If she sees me like dressed this, she'd know that I spent the night and then she'd be carping about it the whole weekend.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What, she doesn't approve of pre-marital sex?
Ronee: Judging by the diving bell she wore as a nightgown, she wasn't real big on post-marital sex either.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [to Niles] Yes, you sit at that piano every Sunday morning and play Mahler for Maris. But you hate Mahler. Besides Maris, who doesn't?

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne twisted her ankle] Oh my, it's swollen already.
Daphne: [looks at her feet] It's the *other* one!

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
Niles: [reading Honey's manuscript] I can't help it. Have you read this?
Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.

Dr. Niles Crane: Alright, fine. If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself. I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice. Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it!

Harry: [Niles is trying to convince Mr Moon to stay another night in Seattle in a last ditch bid to save his marriage] I can't let you buy me a suite in a 5-star hotel!

Usher: Oh, I'm sorry sir, these aren't for this performance.
Niles: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: What? But they say for the sixteenth, that's the sixteenth right there, that's today.
Usher: Yes sir, they were for the matinee.
Niles: Oh, no, no there has to be some mistake, let me just... Oh, dear God.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm so sorry, Niles.
Niles: Well, surely you must hold some tickets aside for emergencies. We'll take anything, anything at all.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, even mezzanine.

Daphne: I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day.
Harry: Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller.
Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
Daphne: You barely know him.
Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make *you* happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing.
[rubs his fingers together]
Harry: He's worth a bob or two.

[Frasier's date to the Empire Club's cocktail party cancels on him]
Frasier: This is disastrous!
Martin: Well, just go stag.
Frasier: No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.
Martin: Wait a minute. What are we worried about? We've got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.
[Daphne enters, with her hair in rollers and heading for the kitchen]
Daphne: Well, that's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under my nails I look like I've been worming a pig.
[Frasier looks concerned]
Martin: Trust me, the English accent'll sell it.

[Niles considers carrying around a sack of flour to practice for fatherhood]
Niles: Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.
Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour.
[reading from the label]
Frasier: Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

[Frasier snatches Jerome's card from Niles]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a... a Martin Scorsese film!

Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier: What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe: I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe: Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne: [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?

Martin: Hey, Frasier, what happened to Bulldog?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [nervous] Who told you?
Martin: Nobody told me anything. I tuned into the Gonzo Sports Show like I do every afternoon, and they had Father Mike filling in. I hate that! All it was, was "Notre Dame, Notre Dame, Notre Dame..."

Niles: Good news, Frasier. I pulled some strings with the spa, and they're squeezing us in for a salt glow with our Swedish massage.
Frasier: Fabulous!
Martin: Ah, forget about a plumber, I'll do it myself. My manicurist cancelled on me.
Frasier: Dad, you will not do it yourself.
Martin: I'll bet you don't even have any tools around here.
Frasier: Oh well, that's where you're wrong. Let me show you something, mister. Here...
[He opens a drawer and pulls out a pocket toolkit]
Frasier: See this? Every possible tool for every possible need. Got this from Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Niles: Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
Niles: Onyx. Onyx is so showy. I don't...
Frasier: Oh, I don't think so. I love onyx, onyx is a stone that resonates within me...
[they begin to argue]
Frasier: Martin: This is why I never took any home movies. You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
[exits]
Frasier: Niles:
[examining the toolkit]
Frasier: Oh! A lemon zester!
Martin: You two realize what a couple of delicate doilies you are? Sheesh, you don't even know the meaning of the word self-reliant. Thank God there's not a national disaster happening, you'd be helpless.
[He exits]
Niles: [examining the toolkit] Oh! A lemon zester!

Bulldog: [Having just arrived at Frasier's apartment, picks up a piece of African art] What is this, anyway?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, that's an exceedingly rare fertility symbol from a small nomadic tribe in Ghana.
Bulldog: I guess when they were passing out equipment, this guy was in the back of the line.

Frasier: I should register this dressing gown with the *love police*.

Frasier: The whole thing catapulted me back to high school. You know me as an adult, but back then I was rather an un-athletic, bookish sort.
Roz: [sarcastically] Get out!
Frasier: Jocks were the bane of my existence. They would always call me a "weenie" and steal all the girls that I wanted.

Dr. Niles Crane: Just at that moment, the sun peeked over the mountaintops, illuminating not only my splendid nakedness, but the bus for the Christian Women's Society.
Martin: They went to a nude beach?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, and neither did I. Uh, the next few minutes were a blur, as I zig-zagged my way back to the car, while being pelted with driftwood and Bibles.

Kate: So... nice place. Whoa, what a view!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [bitterly] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.
Kate: Well... I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to apologise.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, really? For what? Turning on me when I went out of my way to protect you? You know we're both responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot and you look like a no- nonsense boss!
Kate: All right, all right, just tell me what I can do to make this right.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say, to make this up to me.
Kate: [no-nonsense] The owners wanted you fired.
Dr. Frasier Crane: ...That's pretty good!

Roz: You have quite the ego on you, I mean, we slept together two years ago. What do you think, you're some kind of slow-acting timed-release love bomb?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't remember you having any complaints when we were in bed. I seem to recall hearing the term "stallion-like".
Roz: I never said that.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well one of us did!

Bebe: Ambition, the word is candy to me.

Niles: Well, what did we talk about? Uh, we discussed the upcoming women's arts festival and their tableau vivant. They're going to be re-enacting Schmitt's painting of "The Martyrdom of St. Ursula by Atila the Hun." Naturally, Maris will pose as the Hun.
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: A tad Germanic for my taste, but nonetheless I told her I'd help out by lending her my antique crossbow to help complete the tragic scene on the Rhine. Of course, talk of the Rhine inevitably led to that wonderful anecdote about the Nazarene painters of Biddlesbock Palace...
Frasier: [joins Niles in loud guffaws] Those beer-loving rascals! Tell it, Niles!

Phil: There's only one person to blame for my problems, and that's me.
[dialing Frasier's phone]
Phil: Yeah, hi. The number for the Seattle PD, please.
[to Frasier]
Phil: I take the easy way out of everything. I always have, and you want to know why? I'm lazy. Lazy, lazy, lazy.
[into the phone]
Phil: Oh, sweetheart, I don't have the energy to look for a pencil. Could you just connect me? Thanks, hon.
Frasier: You expect me to believe that your entire life of crime can be attributed to your laziness?
Phil: Hey, it's the truth. I don't like to work, never have. And believe me, it's a lot easier to take something than to get a job. And I'm even a lazy criminal! A briefcase here, a set of car keys there, maybe a little light shoplifting; but, uh, a bank robbery? All that planning and split-second timing? Forget it. And that second-story stuff - grappling hooks, glass cutters - who does that?

[last lines]
Dr. Frasier Crane: You know Dad, ever since you moved in we've been trying to find something that we have in common. I think we've finally found it.
Martin: Yeah... wish it was a birthmark.
Dr. Frasier Crane: So do I.

Martin: Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier shouts to the clerk as Niles scuttles him out of the bookstore] You know, by the way, you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

Young: [throws a skull down and hits Frasier on the head with it] I'm sorry, Frasier, are you all right?
Young: No, you cracked my skull!

Baby the Cockatoo: Peter's a letch.

Big: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
Big: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy.

[Frasier's phone rings. Bulldog is calling from his show, using a snooty voice]
Bob: Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Bob: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado".
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my "Yum-Yum!"
Bob: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, let me see. Of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but, um...
[high-pitched voice]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a schoolgirl well well be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
[Martin enters with his radio, laughing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here!
Martin: You sure are. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air!
[laughs]
Bob: [normal voice] Sayonara, Doc!

Dr. Niles Crane: [to Daphne] Maybe later we'll try out my Wagner for Lovers CD.

Aunt: You're not Jewish, are you?
Frasier: No, no, uh, my, my ex-wife is, though, and, uh, so thus my son is, which makes me sort of, well, I guess, uh, you could say no I'm not Jewish.

Dr. Niles Crane: At some point we all run into someone who's our superior.
Frasier: Oh, it's just that I've never dealt with this sort of thing before.
Dr. Niles Crane: Never?
Frasier: I can see how that could be baffling to you, as my younger brother, you've dealt with this sort of thing all your life.
Dr. Niles Crane: At least we know he won't out shine you in the egomania department.

Roz: All right, all right, listen up everyone, I've been working the office grapevine, I've got the scoop on the new boss.
Gil: Is she going to fire me?
Bob: Hey, first things first! Is she baggable?
Roz: Forget it, Bulldog; she'd have you for breakfast.
Bob: Right, like I ever stick around that long.
Roz: Anyway, the word is that she's like this psycho perfectionist. Everyone at her last station was scared to death of her. She's kind of becoming my idol.
Bob: Hey, what if she hates sports? I need this job! I just promised my mom a new pacemaker! Wait, think I could get her to believe I said "pasta maker?"

Roz: [in hospital flashback, coming in with Alice, anxious] Excuse me... my baby has a rash. I looked in the book and I don't think it's chickenpox, but it does kind of look like scarlet fever.
Colleen: [looks at Alice] Is this your first child?
Roz: Yes, why?
Colleen: It's just lipstick.

Dr. Niles Crane: But he says he's happy!
Daphne: Isn't that what you would have said too before your brother helped bring us together?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's my point exactly, let's start calling babes!

Audrey: So, Dr. Crane, I don't see why I should fix the dress when my sister can't even fit into it anymore.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Audrey, you borrowed the dress, you tore it. As an old Greek haberdasher once said, "Euripedes, Eumenides."
Audrey: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's a little joke on the ancient dramatist Euripedes and the mythological Furies.
Audrey: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Just fix the dress. We'll be back after the weather.

Daphne: It's too late to turn back now, I say we make a run for it!
Frasier: Oh that's a great idea, a high speed chase in an 8 ton motor home! I'm sure that'll be an amusing anecdote for the border patrol newsletter!

Frasier: [to Niles] Whenever I feel envious about your IQ again, I'll just conjure up an image of you sprawled out on a bed of live Koi, weeping and desperately trying to revive that little plastic diver.

Roz: Oh my God. It's in love!
Bulldog: Last night for the first time in my life I actually said those three little words: "stay for breakfast."
Frasier: You had sex with Sharon?
Bulldog: Doc, please! We "made love." You know what? I gotta call her.
[picks up the phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get.
[slams phone down]
Bulldog: But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her.
[picks up phone]
Bulldog: No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that.
[puts phone down]
Bulldog: I shouldn't call her. But I want to!
[picks up phone before putting it down again]
Bulldog: Doc, what should I do?
Frasier: [bewildered] Don't ask me, I don't even know who you are!

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne had fled from her wedding] Here we are: the end of the driveway.

Niles: Anything else in the box, Pandora?

Frasier: [has everyone tell him his faults] Fuss budget! Well, listen, if you don't mind the substitution, I think maybe "demanding" is more the mot juste.
Daphne: Pretentious.
Frasier: Right, you see, this is very good. Roz, you must have something?
Roz: Well, you are a little full of yourself.
Frasier: Great. Okay, pompous.
Roz: And you do tend to ramble on with the callers.
Frasier: A tad loquacious.
Martin: Pretentious.
Frasier: Dad, I already wrote that down.
Martin: Underline it.
Niles: Oh, snippy.
Daphne: Sarcastic.
Martin: Bossy.
Niles: Huffy.
Roz: Vain.
Frasier: Oh, how nice we've finally found an activity we all enjoy together!
Martin: Oh, don't worry about it Frasier. You'll be fine, you'll bounce back. You're tough.
Roz: And resourceful.
Niles: Resilient.
Martin: Optimistic.
Niles: Tenacious.
Daphne: Conceited.
Martin: Wrong list, Daph.

[last lines]
Roz: Dr Crane, we have Claire on line four. She's having a problem getting over a relationship.
Frasier: Hello, Claire. I'm listening.
Claire: I'm a... well, I'm a mess! Eight months ago my boyfriend and I broke up, and I just can't get over it. The pain isn't going away. It's almost like I'm in mourning or something.
Frasier: Claire, you are in mourning. But you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend. You're mourning the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. Let it go. Things don't always work out how you planned; that's not necessarily bad. Things have a way of working out anyway... have you ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Martin: McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
Niles: This is a disaster.
Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon. So, the same thing that's killing him is keeping him alive. There's your "O. Henry" story.

[Martin has just returned with Daphne, having bailed her from jail]
Frasier: Daphne! Daphne, it's so good to have you home, safe and sound.
Daphne: Sod off.
Martin: She's a little mad at ya.
Frasier: Yes, thank you, Dad.
Frasier: Daphne, I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.
Daphne: As you should. You left me handcuffed and helpless.
Dr. Niles Crane: If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me.
[a look of innocent confusion from Daphne and eye-rolling from Frasier]
Dr. Niles Crane: ...for help.

Dr. Niles Crane: [Daphne has read one of his patient files] Those files are confidential. How could you?
Daphne: Look, before you get going, you should probably know...
Dr. Niles Crane: No, there's no excuse. That is the worst thing you could have done.
Daphne: You would think so.

Martin: [trying to convince Frasier to lie about Niles' feelings for Daphne in his divorce proceedings] You're really not going to go down there tomorrow and blow it for him, are you?
Frasier: Dad, there is nothing more I'd like to do than to help my brother. But I would like to find a way to do it without violating my ethics!
Martin: But Maris is responsible for this divorce! Niles's feelings for Daphne has nothing to do with it! Now, if you cover for Niles you won't be doing anything wrong.
Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?
Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake!
Martin: And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier: Who am I lying to, the comet?
Martin: Oh, just answer the question!
Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...
Martin: So, then you'd lie?
Frasier: To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Niles: So... does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night?
Frasier: Oh please, nobody refers to having sex as "getting lucky" anymore.
Niles: I do.

Daphne: Well! Aren't you a bobby dazzler!
Frasier: Well, I'll go out on a limb and take that as a compliment.

Frasier: [after Frasier has just met Daphne, Martin's new kooky, live-in physiotherapist] The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden! Not to add to it!
Martin: Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.
Frasier: Oh Dad! Dad, you're... you're twisting my words! I meant burden in its most positive sense!
Martin: As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?"
Frasier: Something like that, yes!

Martin: You know, it wouldn't hurt you to go out a little bit every once in a while too.
Niles: If you're suggesting that I start dating, you can save your breath. Women don't exactly find me irresistible.
Martin: Oh, come on, Niles. You've had lots of girlfriends.
Niles: Oh, let's count. There's Maris.
[Long pause]
Niles: Oh, Dora, my childhood pen pal from Costa Rica.
[Another pause]
Niles: I seem to recall a little girl in the fourth grade who lured me to a stairwell to show me her underpants.

Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.

[about the pathetic attendance at his Christmas party]
Frasier: People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable?

Martin: [to Eddie] Hey, you're lookin' a little under the weather. You all right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: He most certainly is not. He dined on that lovely can of bacon fat you've been hiding under the sink.
Martin: Oh, geez. Poor little guy. You know, bacon grease is bad for dogs.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Ironic, considering its vast health benefits for humans.

[Daphne opens the door to Roz and Alice]
Roz: Hey, Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz, Alice. What brings you here?
Roz: We're borrowing Frasier's car.
Daphne: Oh, I see. And you're leaving Alice here as collateral.

Niles: [Frasier has seen Daphne naked] Frasier I want to help you with this, so you have to tell me everything, every sight, every sound, unburden yourself before you explode!
Frasier: No!
Niles: [getting out a pencil and paper] All right, I'll show you how I've always imagined her and you tell me where I'm wrong.

Dr. Niles Crane: Who dares enter the dark labyrinth of the human mind? What festering secrets are buried in the recesses of the subconscious?Lurid images! Lewd desires! Guilty pleasures! Strange compulsions! The whole catalogue of human behavior from the aberrant to the monstrous lurks behind a locked door to which one man holds the key!

Frasier: As long as we're tying up loose ends here, I was just wondering, what was your ring doing on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub, right next to my favorite scented candle - which was burned down to the wick?
Daphne: I'm going to let my attorney handle this one.
[goes into the kitchen]
Daphne: I'm sorry, Frasier. I guess after a little champagne we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. But don't worry, we'll replace the candle.
Frasier: If only you could replace the image.

Niles: Frasier, I must apologize; I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick.

Daphne: [to Frasier] I want you to know that your assertiveness inspired me. For weeks now, some louse has been removing my wet clothes from the washer and leaving them on the table in a soggy mess. This morning, I decided to get my revenge. So I took off my new red panties and I popped them in with his whites.
Dr. Niles Crane: Bravo, Daphne. Good for you. God, I wish I'd been there.
Frasier: Daphne, don't you think you were overreacting just a bit?
Daphne: Absolutely not. Those were my panties and I wasn't afraid to use them!
[Niles bites down on his fist]

[last lines]
Daphne: [Niles is holding a woman's phone number. Daphne approaches, coat in hand] Well, are you ready?
Niles: [looking at the card] No, I don't think I am.
Daphne: [He drops it on the table] I beg your pardon?
Niles: Er, I mean yes. Uh, let's go.
Daphne: [She takes his arm, and they start to leave the room] Well, we certainly had fun tonight, didn't we?
Niles: [laughing wryly] We certainly did.
Daphne: And to think you almost didn't come to the ball! You know, it's such a shame when people let fear stop them from trying new things.
Niles: [pauses and removes Daphne's arm from his] Excuse me.
[Turning back to the table, he picks up the card, puts it in his jacket pocket, returns to Daphne's side and offers his arm. He smiles]
Niles: I'm ready now.
[They leave]

Poppy: You know, I should get the name of your dentist. I can't find one I like. They're always giving me Novocaine when I don't need it and then it's hours before I can talk again.

[Niles picks his cemetery plot]
Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier: You mean - ?
Niles: Yes: I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Checkmate.

[about their shared childhood experiences with gym teachers]
Frasier: You know, perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne: He's running out of room back there.

Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
[pause]
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: [laughs]

Dr. Niles Crane: [on the phone with Maris] Yes, I'm sure, no, you can't gain weight from a glucose IV.
[laughs]
Dr. Niles Crane: No my little worry-wart, there's no such thing as a NutraSweet drip.

Bebe: I'm sure you remember my number.
Frasier: Still 666?

[as the restaurant owner's wife leads her daughter out of the kitchen, and calls her husband out as well]
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, listen, if-if everyone comes out here, how will you know when our duck is crispy?

Roz: [entering from booth] Fras, I gotta go. Your messages are on my desk and... whoa, who is this?
Sam: I'm Sam Malone. I was a buddy of Frasier's in Boston.
Frasier: This is Roz Doyle.
Roz: [to Frasier] So this is the Sam Malone you've always talked about? The one who has no respect for women and treats them like dirt?
[to Sam]
Roz: Need anyone to show you around Seattle?
Sam: Well, you know, to tell you the truth, I'm all right with the city, but I get real lost in my hotel room.
Frasier: Oh, boy. Just look at the two of you face to face. I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent. Good-bye, Roz.
Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. Here's my number.
Sam: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card.
Frasier: Yes, it glows in the dark.
Roz: So do I.

Niles: Frasier, I've always dreamed of looking in the library card catalog and seeing my name under "Mental Illness."

Blaine: [saying Grace before a meal] Dear Lord, bless this food and this company. Give us your guidance and teach us to be forgiving as you instructed your apostles.
Frasier: I'll give you fifty bucks if you can name three of 'em. Here you go - two twenties and a ten. Tell you what... I'll spot you John.

Frasier: Roz, who's on the line?
Roz: On line 4, we have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.
[Roz tries to put Ted on the phone, but accidentally hangs up on him instead]
Frasier: Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.

Daphne: [Frasier suspects Roz of squandering his loan, and wants to confront her] Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding? So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras- munching hypocrite?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, I did repay you.
Daphne: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten.
Daphne: Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.

Daphne: You really should stay home and let me tend to you. I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I didn't get injured playing soccer.
Daphne: Neither did my hooligan brothers. Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.

Niles: [about his father] Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles, we have nothing in common with the man.

Nanny: Frasier, if you knew how bored I am, being "Nanny Gee." How trapped I feel...
Frasier: You have a wonderful career.
Nanny: But nothing ever changes! Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?

Daphne: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
[She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat]
Daphne: You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Kenny, divorce can be one of life's most difficult transitions. Have you considered seeing a professional once or twice a week?
Kenny: I've thought about it, but prostitutes are expensive.

Martin: [Frasier is sat on the couch with his head in his hands as Martin stands by his chair] I just feel so responsible. Maybe there was something more I could have said, something more I could have done. I keep playing it over and over in my head.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'll ask her out today, Dad.

Moira: We hit a patch of whitewater, and my dentures went flying into the Colorado river. I damn near dove in after them, they cost more than the whole trip.

Lana: Now, don't you think you should get back to work?
Phillip: I guess. That air traffic isn't gonna control itself.

[after Daphne hides her ring-less hand from Donny's gaze by pretending to be busy in the kitchen]
Frasier: You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works, too. Just see how it catches the light...

[Niles seems strangely oblivious to Daphne's recent weight gain]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Listen, Niles. This may be a bit of a sensitive subject, but have you noticed anything... different about Daphne lately?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she's happier, as am I.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I guess I meant more in a... physical way.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, she trimmed her bangs, that was a week ago. Men!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I, I guess what I'm really talking about is her... size.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, that's my fault. I was self-conscious about our height difference and I asked her to stop wearing high-heeled shoes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [gives up] I hope one day to love a woman the way you love Daphne.
[Niles hugs him]
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't worry, you will, you will.

Martin: [refusing Niles' request to borrow his service weapon] I don't believe in civilians having guns.
Dr. Niles Crane: This isn't fair! Maris' mother gave her a gun.
Martin: Well, then Maris' mother can clean up the mess after she accidentally blows your brains out.
Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, now you're talking nonsense. Maris' mother has never cleaned anything in her life.

Julia: You really do try to see the best in everyone, don't you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I do.
Julia: So, what do you see when you look at me?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I see a woman who's been hurt, not once but many times. A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone that she won't allow herself to be vulnerable. A woman whose eyes are going to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that!

Roz: [calling a woman for Frasier] Hi, Miss Marshall? Could you please hold for Dr. Crane? Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [She pushes Hold and steps back. She and Bulldog urge Frasier to pick up the phone] Oh, all right. "Once more unto the breach."
[picks up and punches line one]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I know we've never met, but you know, from everything I know about you, you just seem like the most fascinating person. I was just wondering if - well, why don't I just come out and say it? Would you be so good as to have dinner with me tonight?
[beat]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh well, well, that's very gracious of you to accept, Chester, but I didn't mean you.
[to Roz]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, you could have told me she was on line two!
Roz: You could have asked.

Daphne: [Niles mistakenly jumped into bed with Daphne's mother] What were you doing in there?
Dr. Niles Crane: I just... wanted to... take my wife into my arms and show her how much I love her.
Daphne: [excited] Are you sure you're ready?
Dr. Niles Crane: Trust me. If my heart can take that, it can take anything.

Niles: Those two are coming on to us.
Frasier: You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.
Niles: On a date? We just met!
Frasier: [sarcastically] Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Really Woody, there's nothing to worry about. I know my life may seem rather dreary to you but ah, it's really quite enjoyable. In fact, it's even a lot of fun. I love my life now, honestly. You know what, I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers for anything, but I am very happy with my life the way it is today.
Woody: [incredulous] You mean it?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. That's what makes this conversation so ironic. You see, you see my life as some sort of middle-aged compromise and, well just the other day I was thinking about your life. And all I could think was...
Woody: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier pauses, knowing that telling Woody exactly what he thinks won't help anyone. He then realizes another truth] How lucky you are. You see, you've found where you belong and you've made your home there. I guess for some of us it just takes longer than others.

Julia: Hello, Frasier. Wow, who's this? Your stunt double?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's my brother Niles.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, Frasier, I have had... the worst day imaginable. I need a sherry.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Brace yourself.
Dr. Niles Crane: [noticing the empty bottle] You always think it's going to happen to someone else.

[Lilith has just introduced her boyfriend, Brian, to Frasier]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Brian is a seismologist at MIT.
Frasier: Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian, being a seismologist, and you, having so many faults.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [listlessly] Morning, Dad, Daphne.
Martin: Frasier, you sound awful!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [unconvincingly] It's just a little bug.
Daphne: But you can't be thinking of going to work! You're all pasty and clammy and pale!
Martin: And coming from an English person, that's bad!

Aunt: May I help you?
Frasier: I didn't realize this was a mirror, I thought that maybe you were having an unveiling later.
Aunt: You're not Jewish, are you?

Martin: Its no crime to go down to Acapulco and come back empty-handed.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I did not come back empty-handed, I came back with two huge handfuls.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!
Roz: [livid] *ME?* The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm a bad, bad man.

[first lines; Niles is playing the piano while Martin and Daphne sit down to breakfast]
Daphne: I love it when he plays the piano. No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything seem a little brighter.
Martin: [digging in] I feel the same way about bacon.

Niles: May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and a stage swarming with stand-bys.

Dr. Niles Crane: Oh. I take it you had a whiz-bang time at the karaoke bar?
Dr. Frasier Crane: For starters, Woody sang "What Kind Of Fool Am I?". Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet, "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better." They were both wrong. I guess the highlight of the evening was when Gil, after one too many Kir Royales, performed a haunting rendition of "I Feel Pretty," during the latter verses of which Noel joined him on the apron of the stage and translated into Klingon.

[Niles has been giving Daphne phony stock payoffs to get hugs and kisses from her]
Niles: The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
Frasier: Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
Niles: No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.

Martin: Come on now, you don't want to say something you're going to regret! Now you're acting like a couple of fishwives!
[Daphne and Sherry both stare at him, offended]
Martin: See, I'm regretting that one already.

Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, as always I've enjoyed getting together with you for coffee.
Martin: What do you guys talk about all the time?
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you know. Sports, chicks, monster truck rallies.
Martin: Okay, don't tell me.

Roz: I see Poppy's having a little party.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not a party. That's a hostage situation.

Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly *use* sex to get what we want? Sex *is* what we want.

Frasier: How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log"!

Frasier: [looking at baby pictures of Alice] Oh, well, that's just adorable, the silly little one with the jam all over her face.
Roz: Actually that's not jam, Frasier. It's baby eczema.
Frasier: Oh. Well, don't worry about that. That sort of thing is bound to clear up...
[looks at the next picture]
Frasier: or spread.

Frasier: [as the doorbell to his apartment rings, Frasier gets up to answer] Oh Niles, you make me sound like a goat staked out in a clearing. No one is hunting me down. No one is closing in on me.
[Frasier opens the door to find a large number of balloons floating outside]
Frasier: Oh. Look. These must be from the station
[Frasier sees a card attached to the balloons and removes it]
Frasier: [Reading the card] "From your number one fan Kari. Your time has come. You're finally going to get what you deserve."
Niles: The loop tightens!
Frasier: Oh, stop it Niles. She's probably just referring to the fact that it's time I win this award. Try as you will you are not going to turn me into some sort of a nervous wreck.
[Frasier goes to bring the balloons inside but accidentally bursts one of them, startling him]
Frasier: It's just not going to happen

Roz: Oh, hey Daphne.
Daphne: Hello, Roz. How are you?
Roz: Okay. Can I ask you something? Does Frasier seem weird to you?
Daphne: Oh, God yes.
Roz: I haven't even finished my question yet.
Daphne: Yes, well, when you know the answer, it's hard not to hit the buzzer.

Dr. William Tewksbury: [at Roz's apartment, Dr. Tewksbury comes out of the bedroom wearing a short silk robe] Frasier! Hello, what are you doing here?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just uh... wearing clothes.

Niles: I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And besides, I'm a married man.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?

Roz: Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other an apology?
Frasier: Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Zombie #2, what are you doing?
Zombie: I'm scaring Bulldog?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. Is that what zombies do, they scare people?
Zombie: Um...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Wrong. They eat brains, and THAT'S what scares people!

[last lines]
Waitress: [giving Frasier yet another cup of coffee] Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat milk, no cinnamon in sight. Now - ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [finally answering Niles's question] You know, in the greater scheme... yes, I'd say I am.

Frasier: Well, close the record books. That was just the dullest three hours in the history of the Frasier Crane Show.
Roz: Oh, come on. It wasn't so bad. What about that woman who was so concerned about her appearance she wouldn't leave the house?
Frasier: That was a commercial! I believe Miss Clairol solved the problem!

Frasier: What, don't you think I can do any of these things?
Martin: No, I think you can do anything you put your mind to, Frasier. You always have.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad.
Martin: I just wonder about all these projects.
Frasier: Well, as I said, I am streamlining.
Martin: You know, I think what you discovered this week is that something's missing from your life. And before you start to fill it up with everything but the kitchen sink, I thought you ought to just ask yourself, "what do I really want? What is really going to make me happy... now?"
[pause]
Martin: Well, that's weird. I suddenly feel like having a beer.

Martin: Sounds like it's from someone who dumped you.
Daphne: Well, that's no short list now, is it?
Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonja woman he was going out with.
Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too?
Martin: And a niece!
Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.

[during their separation, Maris visited Niles for their weekly conjugal visit]
Niles: I've never seen her look so seductive. She wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick, even earrings, which she tends to avoid as they make her head droop. She pulled me down upon the bed and began playing my spine like a zither. And then, just as things were heating up, she renewed her request that I dismiss Doctor Wilphaum. So tremulous with desire was I that I almost relented, but then I remembered your advice, Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire the good doctor... at which point Maris told me I wouldn't be firing anything else in the foreseeable future! And she left!

Niles: Are you all right?
Frasier: Yes. Thank goodness your fist softened the blow of the airbag.

[to keep a party afloat, Martin has been forced to impersonate Mike Shaw, a painter]
Jeremy: What impresses me the most is the way you reinvent identity while recording anonymity.
Martin: Well, that took years to get down.
Alex: Sure. Sure.
Thad: Come on, tell us: What do you think of Warhol?
Martin: [faux-contemplative pause] Crap.
Thad: Kienholz?
Martin: Crap.
Antonia: It is so refreshing to have someone speak so candidly.
Martin: And you have to believe me, because I'm a fancy-ass artist.
[everyone laughs]

Martin: [on his new suit] Look at this, it's real sharkskin, watch it change colors when I move.

Frasier: Oh Niles, Niles, just sit down and relax, for God's sakes. You're being irrational.
Niles: Don't you *dare* call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!

Frasier: Hello Seattle, the people who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man who betrays his principles. I am not a man who misleads his listeners and I am not a man who will shrink from a fight. Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show. But rather than truffle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principal, even if it means...
[Roz enters his booth]
Frasier: I'm not on the air, am I?
Roz: No. He put on The Best of Crane.
Frasier: How much did I get out?
Roz: Well, let's see.
Frasier: [Roz presses a button]
[Voice over]
Frasier: People who know me best will not be surprised by what I'm about to tell you: I am not a man.
[In person]
Frasier: Perfect.

Martin: Remember when you were little and you convinced Niles that we were all figments of his imagination, the whole world was just in his mind?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I told him we disappeared whenever he left the room.
Martin: Yeah, months afterward, he was always darting into rooms to make sure we were all still there. Scared the crap outta me, I was ready to kill you.

Dr. Niles Crane: I'm just so proud. I had to stop for gas, and I pumped it myself!

Dr. Frasier Crane: So that's it... all this work, just to find out that I have a fear of rejection?
Lilith: That's right.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [beside himself] So I'm alone... because I'm afraid to be alone?

Frasier: I plan to go running just after I finish my obituary.
[Daphne looks at him askance]
Frasier: It's a self- actualizing exercise. You write your obituary the way you'd like it to appear - years from now, of course - and then it helps you to focus your goals. Here they are, all my hopes and dreams.
Daphne: [reads] These are dreams, all right. "Dr. Crane came late to athletics, he became a fixture in the Seattle marathon, the America's Cup yacht race, as well as the Kentucky Derby."
[laughs]
Daphne: A jockey at your size? You better start writing an obituary for the horse!

Dr. Niles Crane: Well, we were just chatting on the elevator. I walked her to her car where, it turned out, she'd locked her keys inside. My resourcefulness saved the day.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What did you do, fish them out with a coat hanger?
Dr. Niles Crane: No, I called the auto club. Where would I find a coat hanger?

Frasier: You know, it suddenly occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I never really got the wedding of my dreams either. Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little clandestine affair, we dashed off to city hall. I could hardly imagine a wedding more lacking in ceremony, 'till my second wedding, which was lacking a bride. Then came Lilith. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked down the aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.

Daphne: Eddie, let's go for another walk!
Martin: I thought you already walked him this morning?
Daphne: I did, twice.
Martin: He's gotta go again?
Daphne: No, actually I do!
[Martin and Frasier look askance]
Daphne: That didn't sound right. There's a very nice-looking gentleman who plays frisbee in the park with his Labrador. Eddie and I are hoping to run into them again. Come on, Eddie!
[she tugs on his leash, Eddie doesn't move]
Daphne: He's just playing hard to get.
Frasier: I'm glad somebody is.

Martin: [Frasier has found Daphne's engagement ring] Well, you sure saved Daphne there.
Frasier: Yes, and I also did myself a little favor as well. Can you imagine what conclusions Faye might have jumped to had she found this engagement ring in my room?
Faye: [Faye comes in and sees the ring] Oh, Frasier, for me? I had no idea!
Frasier: Well, actually, uh...
Faye: [grabbing the ring] It's beautiful! It's so beautiful! Yes, Frasier, I do! I do!
[she gives him a big kiss; he gropes for words to explain]
Faye: Oh, calm down, you big dope. I know it's Daphne's ring.
[she hits him playfully as Martin laughs]
Faye: And, uh, I can't tell you how flattered I am by those beads of sweat on your forehead.
Frasier: Well, they're love beads, honey!

Billy: He's yelling at us something about "repressed tendencies," so we stuffed a fire extinguisher down his pants! We called it...
[thinks]
Frasier: A jet pack!
Billy: [howling with laughter] That's it! Man, you remember them all.

Roz: Would you stop worrying about me, Frasier? This one's different. I can tell he really cares about me.
Ben: [handing Roz her coffee] Here you go, Sunshine.

Frasier: [Frasier answers a phone call] Hello? Yes, I'll hold.
[to Niles]
Frasier: It's Cleo Fenwick.
Niles: Cleo Fenwick?
Frasier: Yes, you remember her, she's on the board of the theater. You've seen her: bad eye-job, dowager's hump you could cross the Sahara on.
[into phone]
Frasier: Hello, Cleo, you lovely thing. Uh-huh. Oh, well, you're a dear for trying. Thanks.
[He hangs up]
Frasier: Oh, don't despair Niles, I'm getting another call.
[into phone]
Frasier: Hello? Yes, Dora! Yes, uh-huh. Too bad. Well, thank you. Yeah, oh, that is a wonderful idea, yes I will! Thank you, bye-bye.
Niles: [He disconnects] She has a lead for us?
Frasier: Yes, she said I should call Cleo Fenwick.

Daphne: I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.
Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.
Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.

Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Don't be silly. I've been here enough times to know how to get the coffee made. Daphne, make us some coffee.
[awkward pause]
Dr. Mel Karnofsky: Kidding!

Frasier: What parent has not, at one time or another, completely obliterated their child's chances of future happiness?

Frasier: Dad, I'm not having another person living in this house!
Martin: Give me one good reason why not!
Frasier: Well, for one thing, there's no room for her!
Martin: What about that room right across the hall from mine?
Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study - the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world! You'll adjust!
Frasier: [angry] I don't want to adjust! I've done enough adjusting! I'm in a new city, I've got a new job, I'm separated from my little boy, which in itself is enough to drive me nuts. And now my father and his dog are living with me! Well, that's enough on my plate, thank you. The whole idea of getting somebody in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it!
Martin: [looks at Eddie] Oh, do you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.
Frasier: Oh Dad, Dad, you're, you're twisting my words! I meant burden in its most positive sense!
Martin: As in, "Gee what a lovely burden"?
Frasier: Something like that, yes!
Martin: Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know. Two years ago I'm sailing toward retirement and some punk robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these.
[pounds his cane to the ground]
Martin: Well, I had plans too, you know! And this may come as a shock to you, sonny boy, but one of them wasn't living with you.
Frasier: I'm just trying to do the right thing, here. I'm trying to be the good son.
Martin: Oh, don't worry, son. After I'm gone you can live guilt-free, knowing you've done right by your pop.
Frasier: You think that's what this is about, guilt?
Martin: Isn't it?
Frasier: Of course it is! But the point is, I did it! I took you in! And I've got news for you - I wanted to do it!
[on the verge of tears]
Frasier: Because you're my father. And how do you repay me? Ever since you've moved in here it's been a snide comment about this or a smart little put-down about that.
[grabs his coat and goes to the door]
Frasier: Well, I've done my best to make a home here for you, and once, just once, would it have killed you to say "thank you?" One lousy "thank you?"
[Martin turns to face Frasier, who waits expectantly. Martin looks thoughtful]
Martin: [to Eddie] Come on, Eddie, it's past your dinner time.
[Eddie jumps off the couch and follows Martin into the kitchen]
Frasier: I'm going out.
[Frasier leaves the apartment]

Bulldog: [to Sharon] Whoa! Hello, gorgeous.
Frasier: Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog: Not you. Hey, aren't you gonna introduce me?
Frasier: Well, actually I wasn't, no!
Bulldog: [introducing himself] Bob Briscoe.
Sharon: [shaking hands] Sharon Payton.
Frasier: Yes, good to see you, Bulldog.
[trying to push him away]
Frasier: Don't be a stranger.
Bulldog: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. Sharon Payton--I know you. LPGA. You won the Denver Open in 1992.
Frasier: 1992? You know, that's a fabulous year for a particular Chambertin I took a shine too...
Sharon: I know you, too. You're that guy that says golf is not a sport.
Bulldog: Well, it's not.
Sharon: Really?
Bulldog: Yeah. No cheerleaders, no blood and the only cups involved are in the ground!
Frasier: You know, this reminds me of a debate I had with my brother Niles about whether or not Steven Sondheim is really light opera...

Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.

Niles: Again, I'm sorry for not making it over for dinner last night, but you know I had this tickle in my throat...
Frasier: Spare me your lame excuses, Niles. We both know why you weren't there.
Niles: How was Sherry?
Frasier: Colorful as ever. Last night she treated us to a selection from her unpublished volume of Limericks for Lovers. The last several were about a well-traveled man fortuitously named Horatio!

Dr. Niles Crane: Dad, good luck!
Dr. Niles Crane: It's well known, of the cruelest grades, Ninth is third, 7th is second and 4th is first.

Frasier: Oh, what do I ever say? "You're in denial, seek help, whatever, blah, blah, blah."

Dr. Niles Crane: [having had enough] Okay, well, I'll be off.
Bonnie: [pointing to Niles's blazer] Oh, hold on, you've got a loose button right there.
Dr. Niles Crane: No, no, it's all right.
Bonnie: No, it's about to come off.
Dr. Niles Crane: No...
Bonnie: [pulling off the button] See? Here, I'll sew it back on for you.
[pulling the blazer off a reluctant Niles]
Bonnie: I've got needle and thread. You don't want to lose it, do you?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm trying not to.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, how about a woman's perspective? Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a night of passion...
Daphne: What, you and me?
[laughs]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes!
Daphne: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the air?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [annoyed] It's a hypothetical question!
Daphne: I'll say it is!
[laughs again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, all right, somebody else! So, you have a mad tryst with this young man and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
Daphne: I suppose I'd say: "Thanks for being honest. Probably right, we were moving fast."
[suddenly bitter]
Daphne: "Not that it was too fast for you last night... Ooooh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we?"
[Martin, disturbed, turns around in his armchair and stares at her]
Daphne: But, now you've had your fun, though not too much apparently, and you want to be my friend-"
[angry]
Daphne: "Well, you can just SOD OFF, Trevor Mulgrew!"
[She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at her]
Daphne: You know, I think I might have some buttons for this shirt.
[walks out]

Dr. Frasier Crane: Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine - you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again - well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again.

Frasier: I suppose the situation you're in is, you'd like to stay with Maris, but you'd like to have an affair with Daphne.
Niles: Yes. Can I do that?
Frasier: No you can't!

Frasier: What esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? "Cosmo"?
Roz: No. "Glamour."
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."

Young: [knocks bread roll on table] Yes, this is the hardest roll since Hamlet!
Young: Good one, Frasier. May I use it?
Young: But of course.

Niles: Belltown is sort of a sketchy neighborhood, wouldn't you say?
Martin: Oh, Niles, to you a sketchy neighborhood is when the cheese shop doesn't have valet parking.

[Frasier and Niles are looking through brochures for rest homes for Martin, and Niles is trying to talk Frasier into taking him in]
Niles: Golden Acres. We care, so you don't have to.
Frasier: It says that?
Niles: Well, it might as well.

Martin: You and your damned advice!
Daphne: Mr. Crane, Dr. Rudnik asked me to monitor your blood pressure, and I'd like to get an accurate reading.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stop pointing fingers. Why don't we try to solve this problem?
Martin: I don't see how! She's a vindictive woman, and she's gonna keep on punishing us because of you! If you kept your big trap shut for just once in your life, my nephew would probably be a surgeon now, and I'd be going to his wedding!
Daphne: There, now: 240 over 11. Sounds about right!

Bob: So, Roz, who's the proud papa? You got it narrowed down yet?
[laughs]
Roz: That's nice, very nice. Frasier, will you excuse us?
Frasier: Yes, of course. Just remember the baby's future, Roz. Try to make it look like an accident.
[Frasier leaves]
Bob: Look, I was just kidding. I'm sure you probably know who the dad is.
Roz: Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember Janet's party a couple months ago? You got really drunk and I drove you home?
Bob: Yeah... what about it?
Roz: Well, you invited me up, and I guess I'd had a few myself, because the next thing I knew...
Bob: [terrified] No, whoa - I don't believe this. I don't even remember us...
Roz: Now calm down, Bulldog.
Bob: No, come on, please, just tell me you're joking!
Roz: Look, we don't have to get married right away...
Bob: Oh, man! Oh, man!
[he paces, chewing his knuckles; she caresses his back]
Roz: I thought you'd be happy about this. I mean, we were wonderful together. When you made love to me, you were so tender and caring...
Bob: Hey, whoa! Ha, ha! "Tender and caring?" No way was that me! Yeah, you almost had me! Good one, Roz!

Daphne: [on Martin] I don't know what's wrong with him. Lately, he's had a face as long as a wet weekend. Yesterday, when I insisted he do his exercises, he told me to put my feet behind my head and spin like a top.
[Niles gets a glazed, dreamy look]
Frasier: Oh well, the best thing to do is just ignore him when he gets sarcastic. Isn't that right, Niles... Niles?
Niles: [snaps back] I'm sorry, Frasier. For some reason I feel a little dizzy.

Martin: Now the beauty of the "Hot & Foamy" is the ultra-quick heating action. You just plug it in and two minutes later, presto, guess what comes out?
Daphne: [sarcastic] Well, the obvious answer would be shaving cream, so I'll go with... music?
Martin: You had a lot of sassy things to say about my clothes steamer, too. But didn't those snow peas taste delicious?

Niles: Well, this blackout could go on all night. It's time I braved the dark streets and got back to my Maris. I just hope it isn't like the lightning storm last month. The only way I could coax her out from under the bed was by tying a Prozac to the end of a string!

Daphne: What happened to your hair?
Martin: Well, what do you think? I colored it, just like you told me to.
Daphne: Yeah, but this isn't cinnamon sable.
Martin: Well, I couldn't use that, it had a woman's picture on the box. So I used some stuff called "Color In a Can" instead. It said "As Seen On TV--just spray on and go." How did I know it was a lousy product?
Frasier: If only there had been some clue.

Dr. Niles Crane: We can't tell her that we're married. It would crush her.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, all of the wine presses in Bordeaux couldn't crush that woman!

Niles: It wasn't as bad as all that. It's not like you saw her naked or something.
[No answer from Frasier]
Niles: YOU DID!

Mel: Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. The corkmaster and I brought this along for you.
[Mel hands a bottle of wine to Frasier]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, thank you very much, that's a lovely bottle. I guess Niles must have told you about his eleventh hour victory.
Mel: Oh, yes, and I'm so proud of him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, let's give credit where credit's due, to Mel.
[they kiss]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [surprised] To Mel?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Really? Well, perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone.
[Frasier goes to put the wine bottle away]

Daphne: Have a good time. Don't spend too much.
Martin: Oh, don't worry about that. I've got a whole system worked out where I can get everything I want for the minimum bid.
Frasier: Dad, it's hardly in the spirit of the evening. We're raising money for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Oh, baloney. You just want to go there so you can hob-nob with all your snooty friends.
Frasier: Oh, that is not true.
Martin: Oh, yeah? Well, then answer me one question: just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?
Frasier: Kelly Ann Grunther is... the person... responsible for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.
Martin: Well, what does that mean?
Frasier: Well, I guess she's just a very wealthy person that put up a lot of money, right?
Roz: I thought she had some kind of disease?
Dr. Niles Crane: I always thought she was a scientist doing research.
Martin: So, in other words, it could have been called...
[looks at Eddie]
Martin: the Eddie Eddie-mund Foundation, as long as there was fancy food on silver platters.

Bulldog: [to Alice, as he feeds her] Okay, one more bite, then we can watch "Sports Center."

Dr. Niles Crane: So far tonight I've had the Prosciutto di Parma, the Pesto Genovese, and the Venetian Sea Bass. One more bite will conclude our little tour of Italy with my impression of Pompeii!

Frasier: Hello. I'd like to return this purse.
Saleswoman: I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it?
Frasier: Well, I'm not married at the moment.
Saleswoman: Girlfriend?
Frasier: No, no, no, no girlfriend either. In fact I don't time to go into all my other non-existent relationships. It was a gift for a friend.
Saleswoman: Ah, well, perhaps your "friend" would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen.
Frasier: This really was a gift, and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicize it!

Martin: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to!

Roz: Do you see that obnoxious old lecher?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, you're going to have to be a lot more specific.

Frasier: [after a disastrous evening] Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll, and it suddenly struck me: I'm single. I'd gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm forty-three, and I'm alone.

Roz: Frasier knows pretty much everything there is to know about wine.
[exuberantly, selling again]
Roz: Tell us some things about wine, Frasier!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [teasing Roz] Sometimes you have to know when to put a cork in it.

Frasier: [seeing Daphne with her clothes in disarray] Apparently, in England, it's the fourth date.

Dr. Niles Crane: All right, that's it, enough is enough!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, who are you calling?
Dr. Niles Crane: I am calling Maris! I'm going to beg her to take me back!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You don't want to do that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, yes, I do! Life with Maris wasn't so bad! It was my fault, after all! I was too rigid! I was always making demands!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles...
Dr. Niles Crane: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"

Sam: Hey listen, you wanna really put a smile on Maris's face, let me tell you what you do.
[whispers in Nile's ear]
Niles: Exactly where am I supposed to find whipped cream and a car battery at this hour?
Sam: You got neighbors, don't you?

Dr. Frasier Crane: [screaming at his family] This is the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not have that ruined!

Dr. Niles Crane: Morning, gang.
Daphne: How's my natural man?
Dr. Niles Crane: Mmm, as hungry as I am hairy.
[kisses her]
Claire: No kidding, that goatee sure came in fast.
Dr. Niles Crane: I know. I credit the hothouse atmosphere of this tropical paradise - that and our nearly constant nudity. Gone is the citified dandy of just last week. In his place stands a feral Caliban, a sandy-bottomed Dionysius, a lusty, insatiable... ooh, scones!

Dr. Frasier Crane: She wrote a book called "Day Trade Your Way Out of Debt." Apparently, some people lost money.

[Niles' hair has secretly become a 'lucky rabbit's foot' to a pro basketball player]
Reggie: Man, where have you been? I've got to be on the court in five minutes!
[he reaches to rub Niles' head]
Niles: [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand a moment before Reggie's security guard can see what just happened] Stop! Before you rub your hands all over me, we need to talk.
Reggie: [the guard gives them both an askance glance] What's up?
Niles: Well, I'll come right to the point. This entire affair has grown out of control. I-I need to end it.
Reggie: [Pfft] What are you saying? You're not coming down here any more?
Niles: Well... no. We can still see each other - to talk, but no *touching*.
[the guard now furrows his brow]
Niles: That part of our relationship is *over*.
[the guard is now actively glaring at them]
Niles: [to the guard] Does this concern you?
Guard: It's starting to.
[guard walks away]
Reggie: Aw, come on, Dude.
[Reggie reaches again for Niles' head]
Niles: [Niles quickly halts Reggie's hand mid-air] No! Now listen... Do you really expect me to drop what I'm doing and race down here every day just so you can run your fingers over my head?
Reggie: [wondering what's the problem] Y-Yeah.
Niles: [Niles briefly gathers his thoughts] Listen to me closely. You are a gifted athlete with tremendous skill. Marshal your talents. Concentrate. Focus. The key to your success is to trust your own God-given ability. It has nothing to do with my head!
Reggie: [after a long thought] It must be your hair.
Niles: Will you *stop* it? You're obsessing!
[just then the guard re-enters]
Reggie: [Reggie reaches for Niles] Come on, man. Just let me touch it!
[the guard silently turns and walks away again]
Niles: [Niles realizes what's happened, then refocuses] No!
[Reggie sighs]
Niles: You have to look at this logically. I can't come down here for every game, and I certainly can't go with you when the team is on tour. This is not a long-term solution. What you need is legitimate therapy. If you want to start, come inside. I'll give you a quick session. We can proceed from there.
Reggie: [ponders] Yeah. You're right, Doc. I mean, what I need is a long-term solution.
Niles: Good!
[Niles quickly walks off for their session]
Reggie: [Reggie spots a pair of scissors, picks them up and hides them behind his back as he follows after Niles] Coming, Doc.

Dr. Niles Crane: [speaking of the lakefront cottage] It's a fabulous place, Dad. It's got a stereo and a big screen TV, and a sauna, wine cellar...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Perfect for three guys roughing it in the wilderness!

[Roz is thinking of writing a children's book]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good for you, Roz! You know, I dabbled in juvenile fiction myself. Yes, Niles and I, when we were boys, wrote a series of stories together in which we were the heroes. Along the lines of a Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew.
Roz: The Nancy Boys?
Dr. Frasier Crane: [giving her a hooded look] *No.*

Roz: You don't know how many times I wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield.

Frasier: Where's Maris? Are you two taking separate elevators again?

Frasier: Niles, you know what, you should leave. You're embarrassing yourself, for God's sakes.
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm never leaving while you're still... not leaving. You know you had the good bed.
Frasier: Well, now you're just hallucinating.
Dr. Niles Crane: When we moved to Wallace Lane and we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be to having your... sleeping.
Frasier: [Niles puts his left elbow in the butter] Niles, the beds were identical. Oh, why am I even bothering, explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!
Dr. Niles Crane: [Looking at his right elbow] Well, who's hallucinationing now?

Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
Dr. Niles Crane: Prepare to whoop like a sweepstakes winner! Cancel our dinner! I've scored us two seats, front row, for the event of the season!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You mean...?
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes!
Dr. Frasier Crane: But...?
Dr. Niles Crane: I know!
[proudly holds up tickets]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles!
Martin: [to Daphne] I love when they do it this way, I can pretend it's a Seahawks game.

[Frasier brags about having three dates in a row that weekend]
Roz: Not bad.
Frasier: "Not bad"? If I didn't know better, I'd say someone was a little jealous. After this weekend you may have to give up your dating crown.
Roz: I once had three dates on a single Saturday and still had time to defrost my refrigerator and rotate my tires.
Frasier: [deflated] It's a wonder you could rotate anything after that.

Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the ax to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare.
Frasier: Wine?
Lilith: Love some.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Whatever you do, don't get specific about the play. That's the mistake you made last year when you lied about having seen "The Silent Echo." All that yammering about how the play had third act problems. It fooled no one.
Dr. Niles Crane: What makes you so sure?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, for starters, "The Silent Echo" doesn't have a third act!

[Martin pretends to be Niles's boyfriend to fend off a gay man's advances]
Frasier: I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Niles: You're embarrassed? They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane.

Frasier: Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.

Dr. Niles Crane: I saw him first!
Dr. Frasier Crane: You've had a gardener and a maid!
Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, but never a butler!
Dr. Frasier Crane: But it's my turn!
Dr. Niles Crane: But it's my dream!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne won't have to clean anymore!
Dr. Niles Crane: [smiles and puts his phone away] I tip my cap, sir.

[after using the Winnebago's bathroom]
Niles: Dear God, it's like being sealed upright in a Formica coffin!
Martin: Remember the old days, Niles?
[to Daphne]
Martin: When they were kids, all they had in the back seat was a mayonnaise jar!
Frasier: Yes, it took quite a bit of skill to use it successfully at seventy miles per hour! Never really been fond of mayonnaise since.
Niles: Or speed bumps.

[Frasier is being saluted as a hero]
Dr. Niles Crane: [sulkily] No one's ever given me the thumbs-up.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I've driven on the freeway with you. The rest of the hand has been well-represented.

Niles: No, no, Marta, that's alright. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message: "I've flushed out her family secret."... Helloooo Maris.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh Roz, you look beautiful!
Roz: Thank you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But we're not going.
Roz: What?
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz: Frasier, I hired a babysitter... twice, I did my makeup... twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress... twice, only to be stood up... twice!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz: SHUT UP!
[hits him with her handbag]
Roz: You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz: Well, DO IT TWICE!

Frasier: I've invited the entire building -- even Cam Winston.
Martin: Oh!
Frasier: In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to put an end to our feud.
Roz: What are you feuding about?
Martin: Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer.
Frasier: Yes well, that car is grotesquely oversized! I've often been forced to exit from the passenger's side. Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift.
Roz: [Frasier exits]
[to Martin]
Roz: Why doesn't he just back in?
Martin: Are you kidding? He can barely hit that space even when the guy's car isn't there.

Roz: You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog...
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that...
[Frasier and Roz just wait]
Bulldog: Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential!

Samantha: I hope this doesn't offend you, but I've had the most stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk. Plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly if we just -
Frasier: I know where this is heading. You don't have to say it.
Samantha: Frasier, could we just go somewhere and have sex?
Frasier: Well, I'm flattered, and the thought is very tempting, but you see, on my show I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one other, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. What's your favourite colour?
Samantha: Blue.
Frasier: Mine too, check please!

Kenny: Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
Frasier: Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.

Donny: [smelling Daphne's hair] That scent is wonderful, what is it?
Niles: [turning away, quietly to himself] Cherry bark and almonds.

Martin: All we need is a rhyme for "ombudsman" and we can go to bed.

[first lines]
Frasier: So, that's our show for today. Don't forget, Bob "Bulldog" Brisco is up next and... oh, yes. This is KACL Cash Call Week. $5,000 when you answer your phone with the phrase that pays. So when your phone rings, don't say "hello", say...
[Frasier sees Sam outside the studio]
Frasier: Well, blow me down! No, no, no, no! Just, uh, say, uh, "KACL is the talk of the town." Talk of Seattle, whatever. Bye-bye.

Martin: About three months into our partnership Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout - three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together sleeping sitting up, drinking too much coffee. Didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves.
Niles: Because he was a big, egotistical fat face?
Martin: Because we were human.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [speaking to Martin about Niles] Well, when we were younger, there was a certain sway I had over him. Oh God, do you remember that time back in prep school when he was going to try out for the track team and I convinced him that all the really cool kids were going to join the Madrigal society?

Frasier: [on Maris] So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No, no, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles is gone and has left a note] 'Dear Frasier, Dad, and Daphne, by the time you get up and find this note, I'll be gone. Thank you all for your love and support, but I don't want to be a burden anymore. Love, Niles'.
Daphne: Oh dear... you don't think...
Martin: Of course not. We know my gun is still locked up, and the balcony doors are still locked.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, and Daphne's shepherd pie is still in the fridge.

Laura: The anticipation, the excitement, the hope... marriage is the death of all that.
Frasier: I hope you didn't write your own vows.

Daphne: Snow Ball? Sounds very glamourous.
Martin: I didn't know you could dance!
Niles: Oh, I can't.
[Realizes]
Niles: Oh, dear. You don't think she'll want me to? I've taken Maris to dozens of these things, she's never once asked to dance. Of course, Maris dislikes public displays of rhythm.

Roz: Happy anniversary!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Roz trade gift boxes] Oh, Roz! Oh, this is so much fun, Roz! I got you one too!
Roz: Oh, thank you! Okay, you first. I mean, it's nothing really, it's not expensive or anything, you probably won't even like it, I'm not good with gifts...
Dr. Frasier Crane: Look, don't oversell it, Roz.
[unwraps it]
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's a tape.
[reads]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "The Dr. Frasier Crane Show: Show #1, May 21st, 1993."
Roz: It's our first broadcast.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, Roz! I can't wait to listen to it! Did you ever think I'd stay on the air this long?
Roz: Oh, hell no.
[reads her card]
Roz: "To Roz, who believed in me from the start."
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, it's from Hallmark's "Irony" section.

Roz: Okay, so who is she?
Daphne: Who's who?
Roz: Niles' patient.
Daphne: All right. I saw one of his files by mistake. The woman is madly in love with him.
Roz: So who is she?
Daphne: Her name is Heather Murphy.
Roz: Heather, huh? That's trouble. What else do you know?
Daphne: Well, that's it. I only got a quick look at the file.
Roz: So what are you gonna do?
Daphne: Nothing. Niles said he can't talk about his patients, so... what choice do I have? I should trust him.
Roz: If I found out some babe was after my guy, I would have to know everything about her. What she looks like, her profession, what she's being treated for.
Daphne: Yeah, I don't think that's relevant.
Roz: What if she's a sex addict?
Daphne: You can be treated for that?
Roz: So they say.

[Frasier's blathering before Niles' surgery is annoying Niles]
Roz: I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, I'm pretty used to him by now.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, right, the - yes.

Martin: Hey, Abby, you'll like this one. I used to tell it at the precinct. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Abby: I don't know. It depends on how many cops planted it there?
Frasier: Thrust and parry, Dad!

Frasier: Bebe, I don't think there are any words to describe what we shared last night.
Bebe: It was like Greco-Roman wrestling on a Trampoline.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you guys something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks, with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two - if you bring him four - he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, uh, how's everybody at Cheers?
Sam: Oh, wow. Uh, well, let's see... you know that Rebecca finally married that plumber?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, yes... it's ironic, isn't it? You know, she spends all her energy trying to land some rich guy and she ends up with an ordinary plumber.
Sam: Well, that ordinary plumber struck gold. He's got a patent on some low-flow toilet thing. I mean, he's rich beyond her wildest dreams.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Sam: Well, don't be - he dumped her. She's back at the bar.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Working at Cheers again?
Sam: No, she's just back at the bar.

Martin: What are the Sonics thinking last night? If you're two for fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the paint?
[pause]
Frasier: Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.
Martin: [rolls his eyes] You know, if you took an interest in sports, I bet you'd end up enjoying it. It's got drama, it's got graceful stuff...
Frasier: Thank you, Dad, but frankly I'm quite satisfied with the likes of Pavorotti's "Pagliacci." You have your big man in the paint, I have mine.

Roz: My dream is to have front row seats at Bruce Springsteen. That way, when he starts doing "Dancing in the Dark", there's a chance he'll pull me up on stage with him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I see. And this concert is on a Friday afternoon?
Roz: No, grandpa. The tickets go on sale Saturday and I want to be the first in line.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, well, if you hadn't called me "grandpa," I would have found a polite way to no, but as it is, no.

Dr. Frasier Crane: You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into the street to get around them and then they drive too close to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And they wear brown shoes with white socks!
Daphne: What has that got to do with the rain?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Nothing! But I mean, really, get a fashion sense!

Joanne: So, another year has gone by.
Martin: Well... time really flies.
Joanne: I guess it goes a little slower for me.

Martin: [recording his memoirs] My name's Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now... I'm *dead*! Trapped in a box, underground...
[chuckles]
Martin: Pretty scary, huh?
[he throws his head back and laughs evilly. Niles lowers the camcorder]
Niles: Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century?
Martin: All right, all right, I do.
[Niles resumes filming]
Martin: Remember to always work hard, and that family comes first. And... I have a million bucks in unmarked bills that I took off a drug dealer that I have stashed in my old army foot locker. The combination is left fifteen, right thirty-two, le-le...
[he pretends to choke and die. Niles wearily turns the camcorder on himself]
Niles: Future generations, see what I had to put up with?

Frasier: I'm getting desperate here.
Dr. Niles Crane: Don't obsess about this. My love life's not much better than yours, but you don't see me going off the deep end.
Frasier: Oh, really? Did it ever occur to you that this recent antique-buying binge you've been on is nothing but a way of sublimating your frustrated sexual desires?
Dr. Niles Crane: That's preposterous! These purchases have nothing to do with sex.
Frasier: Oh, don't they? In addition to the loveseat, let's see, your most recent acquisitions have been: a French bed- warmer, a pair of Toby jugs... the less said about that Civil War ramrod, the better.
Dr. Niles Crane: Oh, you Freudians! Sometimes a ramrod is just a... oh hell, even I can't make that one fly.

Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. Shame on you, Dr. Crane. Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?

[while Daphne is teaching Niles to blow smoke rings, Frasier comes in and sees her puckering her mouth close to his]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, what are you doing?
Dr. Niles Crane: I'm learning how to blow smoke.
Dr. Frasier Crane: *Where*?

[Frasier is about to make a sperm sample]
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Frasier! It probably doesn't matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Thanks for that. I was going to think of the plight of the American Indian.

Frasier: What was it like in the old days, when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
Martin: It was hell.

Niles: [reads from their mother's journal] "April 3, Niles remains as docile as ever. He constantly allows himself to be cowed and dominated especially by females."

Frasier: Roz, I'm going to tell you something that I didn't learn until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them.

Frasier: Dad, this is not about what you or I want, this is about what Niles needs! For God's sakes, the man is devastated, he's vulnerable. We need to rally around him and show him our support.
Martin: [giving up and following Frasier out the door] Well, why didn't we just do this on Sunday?
Frasier: We had our girlfriends over!

Dr. Frasier Crane: So, wow! Is that espresso?
Martin: Yeah, a little pick-me-up in between dates. This juggling thing isn't as easy as I make it look. But don't you worry: they're both gettin' first class passage on the S.S. Martin!
Dr. Niles Crane: [to Frasier] So that's where you get that from.

Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?
Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it?

Daphne: [the doorbell sounds] That'll be Donny. Could one of you get the door?
[Frasier and Martin look around helpless and confused]
Daphne: [angry] Well, you've seen ME do it enough times. You just turn the handle and pull!

Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do!
Niles: You do?
Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit!
Frasier: What?
Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison!

Martin,27688: [They both go into the kitchen, shocked at how much Niles and Rodney mirror each other] What the hell was that?

Renata: Hello? Hey, Tiffany.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany!
Renata: That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Celebrate the ethnic mosiac that is America, but nonetheless...
[takes phone and hangs up]

Daphne: So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.
Niles: [quickly] No, I haven't.
Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.
Niles: Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.
Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.
Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...
[snaps his fingers]
Martin: ...person.
Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

Dr. Frasier Crane: So what do you think?
Dr. Lilith Sternin: As a working hypothesis, I'd say you... have the hots for Lana.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No, no, you see. Maybe I'm not making myself clear. You see, the woman irritates me to no end. She's antagonistic and, and opinionated. Critical...
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Oh, so I see. What you're saying is that unlike most women you've dated, she challenges you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, maybe so, that's not the point. You see Claire IS perfect for me.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: All right. Why does this dream about Lana upset you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I don't know.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: Are you sure?

Martin: [to Niles and Frasier] Well, I gotta go call Duke. But don't get excited, he's not a real duke!

[about Aunt Louise]
Martin: Every year she was gonna take a trip to the South Pacific. It was a big dream, but would she spend the money? No, she just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
Frasier: My guess is she finally made it.

Frasier: [about Niles's fall in the Cafe Nervosa] My god, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!
Dr. Niles Crane: I landed on a fork.

Dr. Niles Crane: I must say, you're taking this rather well.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What do you mean?
Dr. Niles Crane: Many people in your position would feel threatened at the thought of... well, another cat sharing the litter box.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Your flattering analogy aside, Niles, I take it as a tribute. Obviously, the station is so pleased with my show that they're looking for more of the same. They could hardly ask me to do another three hours. Imagine how exhausting that would be.
Dr. Niles Crane: And for you as well.

Roz: Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I would have thrown you a party at the station.
Frasier: Question asked, question answered.

Frasier: My coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan... more like a lonely Samaritan.

Frasier: Maris was upset with Niles so he bought her a Mercedes.
Roz: Woof!
Frasier: And if you're suggesting that I buy my way out of my problem, the answer is no! It's the coward's way out!
Niles: Oh, so I'm a coward?
Frasier: Yes!
Niles: Well, I'm a coward with a hickey!
Roz: Buy me a Mercedes and I'll make your neck look like a relief map of the Andes.

Lana: Kirby needs a passing grade in history.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't guarantee that.
Lana: No passing grade, no Claire.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, an hour on Tuesdays.
Lana: Two hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Two hours on Tuesdays, no Thursdays.
Lana: Three on Tuesdays.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Done. Happy birthday.
Lana: [They shake on it] Thank you.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for dad?
Daphne: The Ab-Blaster or the Flab-Buster?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Right, I tell you what. Bring me both of them, I'll put them together and see if I can get a real good workout.

Frasier: God, when you think about all the care I put into decorating my home, only to have it mocked by this atrocity.
Niles: The bottom line is, it is your home. Why don't you just make him get rid of it?
Frasier: Well, it's not that simple, you know? Dad does have his feelings, and he does have quite an attachment to this little chair...
Niles: You're afraid to stand up to him, aren't you?
Frasier: Oh, like you're not!
Niles: Well, at least I don't have to live with something unattractive.
[Frasier shoots him a look. Niles gapes in outrage]
Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm just having some fun with you. I happen to think Maris is rather attractive, in a... a minimalist sort of way.

Martin: [about Eddie] Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday they did it for three hours... No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time.

Frasier: [after finding Blaine's empty wheelchair in the hallway] BLAINE!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Now... we've got a free evening. This sounds like the perfect opportunity for a couple of guys on the loose to, ah... hit a sports bar, have a couple of brewskis, maybe take in a game or two.
Dr. Niles Crane: Right. What shall we do?

Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, there it is, "Frasier Cranium".

Caller: And I said "Mummy, my Puppy won't wake up..."

Frasier: Are you implying that you want to fight me?
Derek: I'm not implying it, I'm saying it.
Frasier: Fight, as in a fist fight?
Derek: No, I thought we might throw pies at each other.

[correcting a continuity error from Cheers]
Martin: [about Frasier] Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: [surprised] Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam: [to Martin] You were a cop?
[to Frasier]
Sam: You told me he was a research scientist.
[Martin reacts]
Frasier: [to Martin] You were dead! What did it matter?

Niles: Ran up too many stairs! Lost count! Big dog! Need place to die!

Donny: [after hearing about Niles's break-up] Did you talk about moving in together, making any long-term plans?
Niles: This is really bringing out the lawyer in you, isn't it?
Donny: The bartender, actually. I was just wondering how big a drink to make you.

Frasier: The little white lies one will tell for a good table. Of course, I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now if Chef Wakim's lobster comfit were at stake!

Daphne: Don't let his shake your confidence. You'll be fine. Maybe she's had her fill of attractive men and is ready for a change.
Frasier: Aren't I lucky. Normally, a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date.

Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving.
Niles: Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce. Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex. Where, last night, they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets.

Martin: Oh, all right, it was worse than any of that.
[pause]
Martin: He told people... I cried at "Brian's Song."
Dr. Frasier Crane: [dryly] Dear God. You always think that's the kind of thing that happens to other people's fathers, not your own.

Dr. Niles Crane: Now Eddie, it's a routine operation. They say it's almost painless, although I can't imagine...
Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps it's best we don't discuss the operation. We might spook him.
Dr. Niles Crane: Excuse me, are you saying he understands me?
Frasier: Well, he understands the word B - A - T - H. God knows how much English he's picked up.
Dr. Niles Crane: Fine. Tu tournes a droit.
Frasier: Ah, bon, bon. Je marcherai derriere lui...
Dr. Niles Crane: Mais, tu es celui qui va l'amener chez le medecin pour le... snip-snip.
Frasier: Ah, c'es vrais, mais... oh, what are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is ridiculous.

Roz: Let's get something straight. If you get drunk, the evening is over. And if you fondle, massage or cup any portion of my body the evening is over. Got it?
Kirby: Man, you're like a total prude, huh?
Roz: Yes, I am.

Dr. Frasier Crane: What did you do?
Frederick: We played frisbee. It sucked with all those trees.

Daphne: Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Neiman Marcus.

[as a girl, Daphne starred in a British TV show, "Mind Your Knickers."]
Daphne: It was about a group of high-spirited, ethnically diverse twelve-year-olds in a girls' private boarding school. I played Emma, the short, spunky one. Of course, by the end of the series, I was sixteen, five foot ten, and they had me boozies bound up tighter than a mummy. Well, I'm off.
[leaves]
Frasier: The woman is like an artichoke. You just peel away one astounding leaf after another.

Dr. Frasier Crane: When you look at me, do you see me as a young man or an older man?
Daphne: Oh no, no you don't. You're not getting me into that Viet nam.

[last lines]
Niles: Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.
Daphne: Fasten yours, Niles.

[Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...
[as she keeps nuzzling him]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, just stop that!
Dr. Niles Crane: Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.
Roz: I'll save you the club dues.
Dr. Niles Crane: What-?
[Roz kisses Niles and exits]
Dr. Niles Crane: Everyone kisses better than Maris!

Dr. Frasier Crane: I've had gay friends before!
Dr. Niles Crane: Not ones that think you're gay too!

Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier reluctantly agrees to go to a dog show with him] Thank you, thank you, I knew I could count on you for this, Frasier. It's nice to know that some things never change.
Roz: [a flustered Roz enters the cafe, carrying two suitcases] Do you guys know where I can get a cheap hotel room in a hurry?
Dr. Niles Crane: Case in point! Goodbye, Roz.

Lilith: [wakes up in bed with Niles] Oh my God! What did we do?
Niles: Well first you put your...
Lilith: I know what we DID! What do we do NOW?
Niles: Don't panic, these kinds of things happen every day... every day in Arkansas!

Cliff: You were always there for me, Al.
Phil: I'm Phil. Al's been dead for fourteen years, ya dumb son of a bitch!

Niles: Oh, God, I'm using humor to mask sexual frustration; it's high school all over again.

Frasier: As it turns out, after I left the hospital some poor devil used my name to jump the line and he dropped dead of a heart attack. I must say, it does seem a bit strange having plunged all of Seattle, albeit temporarily, into so much grief.
Roz: I know, I'll never forget where I was when I heard you had died. I was out on the street. There was this crowd watching a television through a department store window, and before I knew it, we were weeping and hugging each other.
Frasier: Very amusing, Roz!
Roz: And then it began to rain, and I had this feeling that all the angels were crying.
Frasier: [irate] Yes, all right, Roz!

Niles: Frasier, I think that fever of yours is making you delusional.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no! I filled in for you when you were too sick to meet with your "Fear of Intimacy" group!
Niles: [heading into the bathroom] I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I guess you're right. It's probably a bad idea. Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess. You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly, and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
Niles: [re-entering the room] Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Then you're not going to do my show?
Niles: [defiantly] No, I AM going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever DREAMED of doing it!

Martin: You all right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: No.
Martin: Want to talk about it?
[He makes a face]
Martin: Whew! I gotta get this chair cleaned.
Dr. Frasier Crane: She doesn't want me, she wants somebody else. I don't have a chance.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry.
[beat]
Martin: That's the second one, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yeah.
Martin: So, what are you gonna do?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, that's a good question: What am I gonna do? I suppose I could pine over her for the next several weeks, make myself more miserable every day. Or I could do the sensible thing and just let her go.
[rising]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Excuse me.
[He grabs the cordless phone and dials, pacing]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, Charlotte, it's Frasier. About coffee on Monday? Let's just forget that. How 'bout lunch instead?
[Martin gives him a smile and a wink of approval]

Frasier: [discussing Natalie's exotic accent] God, she could read me the phone book, and I would melt like an overripe Camembert. Imagine what she would do with that -
[imitating her]
Frasier: Camembert.
Dr. Niles Crane: R-R-R-Roquefort.
Frasier: Reblochon!
Dr. Niles Crane: Blu!
Frasier: [giggling] We're terrible!

[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
Guest: Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.

Daphne: Thanks for what you said about me, though I haven't been completely wonderful.
Niles: No. You've been irritable and you made me sleep on the couch.
Frasier: That's the stuff, Niles. Doesn't it feel good to get it off your chest.
Niles: Oh stuff it, Mr. Malaprop. Family spokesman? The Manson family should have a spokesman like you.

Daphne: The biggest thing in my life is that I got all my hair cut off months ago and no one's even mentioned it.

Frasier: Hi Dad. How was work?
Martin: Oh great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Butz" on the sign-out sheets.
Frasier: So, who was it?
Martin: Senior Vice President Butz. I'm on probation for a week.

Dr. Frasier Crane: We have wine club tonight, and I'm sort of counting on Niles to help me become "Cork Master."
Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?

Frasier: I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?
Phillip: Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Frasier: What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?

Niles: Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
Dr. Frasier Crane: And I WON'T be!

Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, hear me now, this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two! This is it! Finished, finito! Non quam postea!
Martin: Uh-huh.

Martin: Ooh, it looks like it's going to be another scorcher.
Frasier: Mmhmm.
Martin: Radio said high nineties.
Frasier: [not interested] Yes, it's hot.
Martin: Yeah, well, I guess they'll be some more brown-outs. Hate to think what it's gonna do to the crops.
[He takes a part of Frasier's newspaper]
Frasier: Dad please, I'm trying to read.
Martin: Oh, sure, sorry.
[reading]
Martin: Ooh, double homicide last night. Yeah, with this heat wave though I'm not surprised. I wonder what started that?
Frasier: [Glaring] Perhaps someone wouldn't stop talking about the weather.
Martin: [Oblivious] Yeah, you might be right, it's a real scorcher out there.

Dr. Frasier Crane: We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become Cork Master.
Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Cork Master is the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from.
Roz: I wish I had a cork right now.

Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.
Martin: Well, I could use a big something.
Dr. Frasier Crane: It hasn't been a good day all around.
Dr. Niles Crane: Yeah, Dad, uh... Maris and I have split up for good.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Niles Crane: She-She's in love with someone else.
Martin: Oh, Niles. You all right?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well, I will be.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier brings a bottle of Scotch along with three glasses, which he fills. He then hands glasses to Niles and Martin before taking one for himself] Well, this may come as small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the alter once.

Bulldog: I got canned last Friday for saying something on the air. I was talking with this golfer chick who said she wants to enter the Women's Open. Like I'm supposed to leave that alone.

Dr. Frasier Crane: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says, "I AM PRO OPERA AND I VOTE!"
Roz: Frasier, you've got to admit, it was clever.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I admit nothing. That is the last we shall discuss of it, we have a show to do.
Roz: OK.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Good afternoon, Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances, or evolutionary tools? Hmmm... the surprising answer, after these words.
[He goes to commercial]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [on tape; wailing] My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar! What did they do to you? Oh, my bay-beee...!

Carol: You must tell us all about your Africa tour, Dr. Crane.
Alfred: Yes, did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?
Dr. Niles Crane: Well yes, quite a bit, except of course for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads.

Niles: I have every reason to believe Maris and I may be on the road to reconciliation.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: We met for lunch today. I told her I couldn't stand being in separation limbo any more and unless she wanted the marriage to end, we simply had to get into counselling.
Frasier: And she agreed?
Niles: Her exact words were "I'll think about it", but I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.

Roz: [about Poppy] Thank God today is her last day. You know, this morning she cornered me by the coffee machine and told me her whole life story. I just wanted to grab her by the throat and say, "What am I, your biographer? Shut up!"

Niles: My wife, Maris, actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Kristina: I hope you didn't go to too much trouble... you rented a restaurant trolley.
Dr. Frasier Crane: No no, I own it. Don't tell me you don't have one of them.

[off-screen, Eddie is barking]
Frasier: What is the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone too. I think he suspects foul play.
[Eddie keeps barking]
Frasier: Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

Daphne: You know, my uncle was a political writer for one of those London tabloids. I can still remember his biggest scoop. The headline read: "High-ranking politician caught wearing women's clothing." Of course, you turn to page 2 and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher, but by then you'd already bought the paper.

Niles: I'm not without resources. My Tae Kwon Do instructor tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening!

Martin: [Frasier is trying to guess which one of Martin's poker buddies spent time in jail] Wow, Frasier, I may have underestimated you.
Frasier: Really?
Martin: Yeah. You're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought.

Frasier: You signed with Bebe?
Roz: Okay, I know, I should've told you, I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.
Frasier: I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whomever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!

Roz: Going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles and I did not go to the prom together! Our dates were sick and we went stag!
Niles: In retrospect, we should have cancelled the horse-drawn carriage, but hindsight is 20-20.

Daphne: I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day.
Frasier: You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver.
Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know - "Elaine in 1410, come to dinner! Come to dinner!
Frasier: Well that's very charming, but Elaine's in 1412.
Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set another place at the table.

Dr. Frasier Crane: For God's sake Niles, why don't you just hide in the men's room?
Dr. Niles Crane: Where do you think Yvonne is right now?

Frasier: What exactly do you expect me to do? Say to a caller, "Listen Bob, I'm sorry you lost your job, but unemployment's a snore. Why don't you go sleep with your best friend's wife and call in on Monday when it'll be Infidelity Day on the Frasier Crane show".

[Frasier and Niles visit a couples' therapist to deal with their sibling rivalry]
Dr. Schacter: In thirty years as a couples' therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each other, competitive to the point of madness! So trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other!

Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

Servant: Shall I fire up the hot tub, sir?
Alistair: Absolutely.
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm afraid I don't have a bathing suit.
Alistair: Then, you'll fit right in.

Frasier: [Opening his radio show] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?
Roz: We have Mitch on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbors.
Frasier: Hello, Mitch.
Mitch: Make that *had* trouble. This idiot next door had his leaf-blower going at 7:00am, again
Frasier: Oh, that's very inconsiderate.
Mitch: Yeah, I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an "etiquette lesson." I grabbed that leaf-blower and smashed it against a tree.
[Frasier is taken aback by this. Roz, however, seems amused]
Frasier: Mitch, I must say I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a minor infraction.

[Martin comes back early from a trip to San Francisco with his old Army buddy]
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse was a sushi bar, and this morning, Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kind of like a pep rally or something. So, we joined them. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, and the next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.

Harlow: All aboard! All aboard! Get your tickets ready. Have your tickets ready, please. Have your tickets ready.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles has just entered Frasier's apartment] Hello, Niles.
Dr. Niles Crane: Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.
Dr. Frasier Crane: What for?
Dr. Niles Crane: I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of fourteenth-century Japanese netsuki figurines.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, then the rumors were true?
Dr. Niles Crane: Hurry, hurry, I want to get there before the line forms.

Frasier: I plan to leave Dad and Eddie to fend for themselves while I go off and spend an obscene amount of money being pampered like a spoiled child. I know it's self-indulgent, but what else are vacations for? By the way, what are you doing for your week off?
Roz: Oh, I'm taking my mom to Ireland to stay in the sod house where her mother was born.
Frasier: Why don't you just write the words "bad son" on my forehead!

Frasier: Oh, good morning.
Daphne: Morning.
Martin: I didn't hear you come in last night. You have a date?
Daphne: [Frasier comes back from the kitchen holding up two mugs] Well, I guess that answers that.
Martin: Well, ease up there, Cassandra's a great gal - women like her don't come along every day.
Faye: [Faye enters, wearing the same blue robe Cassandra wore the previous day] Morning!
Daphne: No, they certainly don't!