The Best Sex Education, Season 1, Episode 3 Quotes

Student: I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.

- Hey.
- I fixed the sign.
- Your sign looks really good.

- Menstruation is a very good thing.
- Actually, it's... it's good to have a good clean out.
- Um...
- Um, it's very healthy, actually, okay?
- -Because if--
- -Sit down. Sit down.
- Dude, I am so proud of you.

Otis: I can imagine it's hard when you're comparing your lack of experience to someone's sexual history.
Pro: What? No, I have experience.
Otis: You do?
Pro: Yeah. Hand jobs, fingering, oral, 69ing, a bit of anal stuff.
Otis: That's... extensive.
Pro: Yeah, but no sex. That's sacred, between a man and a woman on their wedding night.

Maeve: I'm not inviting you in. I'll text you if I die.

- Bye, Casual Hamm.
- Oh, this? [chuckles]
- Yeah, no, I'm auditionin' for Swing Band, thanks for askin'.
- So nice that you care about what's happenin' in my life.
- Okay, good night.
- Good night.

- and thrust it towards her abdominal sex cavity.
- But his phallus grew limp.
- "I'm gay," said the interrogator.
- Disappointed, Glenoxi left the room.
- Her quest for a mate would lead her across the galaxy, until she found an alien dick to deflower her once and for all.

- Hey, Mum.
- Let's get you home.

- -I'm not sure.
- -Hm?
- -I just wanna feel a dick in my vagina.
- -Mm-hm.
- Lily, it's time for you to go home.
- Um...
- Thank you for having me.
- See you at school, Eric.

[automated voice] Sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service.
- -[musical ringing continues]
- -[tuts]

- Do you want me to come inside with you?
- -Just in case--
- -I'm not inviting you in.
- -I'll text you if I die.
- -[chuckles]
- I'll keep my phone close.
- If you tell anyone about this,
- I'll kill you.
- I have a hatchet and I know a good place to hide a body, okay?

Sarah: Don't worry, love. I got three kids, and I feel way more guilty about the ones that I had than the ones I chose not to. It's better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.

Charlie: God loves you.
Maeve: Yeah, well, I wish he'd worn a condom.

- Gormenghast and Titus Alone?
- -Come on, I bet you know this one.
- -Yeah, it's Mervyn Peake.
- -Mervyn Peake.
- -Yeah.
- I think we'd all appreciate a bit of quiet right now, thanks.
- ...called Berlin Game and Mexico Set.
- What city is in the title of the third book, Match...

- I'd like to have sex.
- I think you're sexy, and I really want to have sex with someone.
- -I'm gay!
- -Fuck! Really?
- Yeah, properly.
- -You could pretend I'm a boy.
- -Um, I don't think--
- -We could wank each other off.
- -No. No. No, thank you.

- Maybe I should just leave.
- You obviously don't want me here.
- Oh, right, so the babies aren't that important then?
- Okay. I think I am gonna go to the shops.
- -Stretch my legs.
- -I'll come with you.
- Okay, well, how about we all go to the shops together?
- -I'm not going with him.
- -Whatever.

- -I didn't--
- -Don't say sorry.
- Okay.
- -Are those flowers for me?
- -Uh... Yeah.
- -Seems a bit inappropriate now.
- -No.
- No, I like 'em.
- Nothing says "Happy Abortion" like a bouquet.

- You don't want to let an opportunity like this pass you by.
- -I know.
- -Do you?
- That's the voice you use when you're not listening.
- -Mum. It's okay, all right? I know.
- -[sighs]
- You don't wanna live with regret, trust me.
- I'm gonna book you in with a dietitian first thing tomorrow morning.

- -♪ Sing me to sleep... ♪
- -[nurse] Maeve?
- Hi, Maeve. I'm Dr. Atwan.
- Hop up on the table.
- -Maeve, are you rightor left-handed?
- -Right-handed.

- No. Uh, sorry... Uh...
- I don't need therapy. I...
- I just wanted Molly Bell to see me coming in here so she thinks I've had sex.
- Uh, you don't have to speak.
- Oh. Right.
- Okay.

Eric: [about sex] It feels good to wank, so it must be like that, but better. And doing it with someone who likes you must be awesome, because they really get you. Maybe the two of you become one, like the Spice Girls said.

- So, do you have any hobbies, Maeve?
- Oh, the usual. Water polo.
- Crochet.
- I also run illegal cock fights.
- Is this supposed to be knocking me out?
- 'Cause I don't think...

Nurse: And have you considered the possibility of adoption?
Maeve: I don't think anyone would want a pregnant 17-year-old.

- Come on, Jackson!
- Come on!
[boy] Jackson!
- Jackson!
[man] On your marks, please.

- Fuck you, Jeffrey!
- That's domestic abuse.
- Forgettin' someone's birthday is not domestic abuse, Cynthia.
- Everything all right, love?
- Yeah.
- Bye.

- All right?
- Besides, didn't Jesus say something about forgiveness?
- Yeah, it's pretty much his whole thing.
- What do you get someone who's having an abortion?
- Sunscreen.
- They'll need it in Hell.

- The American War of Independence took place during the reign of which British king?
- Uh, Henry VIII.
- -George III.
- -Yeah.
- -Whose 1950 novel A Town Like Alice...
- -Fuckin' tits!
- ...is set in the Far Eastern theatre of the Second World War?

- Thank you.
- Fucking piece of... wanking piece of fucking shit!
- Yes, I'm writing a book, you fuck.
- You don't fucking own words, you...
[yells] Shit!
- -Ow!
- -[bleeping]
- Bearded piece of fucking shit.

Lily: Black Jesus is much sexier than White Jesus

- than the ones I chose not to.
- It's better not being a mum at all than being a bad one.
- I bet your kids really love you.
- Hm!
- Oh, fuck off and let me eat my mousse.
- Okay.

- -That'll do it.
- -So... yeah.
- -[Eric laughs]
- -So...
- Cool. Cool.
- -Bye, Jean.
- -Bye, Eric.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- -Jean Milburn?
- -Yeah, that's me.

Otis: What do you get someone who's having an abortion?
Pro: Sunscreen. They'll need it in hell.

- Just gettin' a glass of water.
- Kegel exercises are really thirsty work.
- Oh! Your mum told us all about your big news.
- Congratulations.
- What news?
- Your ejaculation.
- Well done, you!

- -What's in here?
- -Uh, no--
- -Do you dress up like a lady?
- -No.
- No, I mean, I like dressin' up, but no, I’m not a ladyboy or anythin'.
- Let’s do a makeover.
- Really?
- -Okay!
- -[both giggle]

[whispers] Not my business.
- Not my business.

- 'Cause I-I really don't like vanilla, it's not even a flavor.
[nurse] Like I said, we haven't got any.
Sarah: Yeah, and like I said,
- I don't fucking like vanilla.
- So I just want a chocolate one.
- We're not a restaurant, Sarah.
- Maybe there'll be a chocolate one next time you're here.

- Dad, it wasn't...
- We were just havin' a bit of fun.
- -You know, dressin' up for--
- -It's time for you to grow up.
- Get a job, take responsibility.
- See what the real world is all about.
- Take that stuff off your face before your mother sees.

Otis: I had a... sex dream... about Maeve.
Eric: That's brilliant! Was it ALS challenge or just your basic dick sneeze?

- Um...
- When we come out, you won't shout at my friend, will you?
- Um...
- Probably will.
- Yeah, I thought so.

- -Here we go! Good.
- -Yeah. Coolio.
- -[chuckles]
- -Okay, guys, from the top.
- One, two, three, four. One!
- God!
- Oh!
- Feel it!

- Eric's got a girlfriend!
- A girlfriend.
- Hey.
- It'll be all right.
- I promise.
- Just take my bloody hand.

- -Push him hard today, Coach.
- -I always do.
- Where's the only place that success comes before work?
- -The dictionary.
- -Teamwork?
- -Is dream work!
- -Get in there and swim, swim, swim!
- -Okay!
- -[laughs]
- -♪ This is the day ♪
- -♪ Your life will surely change ♪

- My pubes are out of control.
- I've only just cut them and they've grown back.
- I'm like Wolverine.
- And then how did that make you feel?
- I fucked a warm melon, and now it stings when I pee.
- Now, that is unusual. Hm.