50 Best Shameless Quotes

Danforth: [Danforth does not raise the amount of money he's willing to offer to Frank, even if Frank tries to sweet-talk him by saying that the crucifixion of Christ was not the fault of the Jews] My ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.
Frank: [stops to yell as he exits the front door] Mel Gibson was right!

Jeremy: [leading chant] Me-tard, you-tard, Retard Nation!

Fiona: What if he shows remorse?
Carl: What's that?
Fiona: It means you say you're sorry!
Carl: [smirks] I'm not.

Steve: I don't buy and sell cars. I just sell them. But the cars I sell are mainly, uh, not mine.

Frank: All that money. All that fucking money wasted on child amputees, for Christ's sake. There's a lesson here, son. Charity is accepting help from others, not the other way around.

Lip: Facts cannot be racist. Many Irish are drunks. Many French smell. Most Chinese hate children, that's why they sell them to Americans.

Carl: [to Sammi] You think you scare me? Bring it, bitch!

Kevin: They kept my Binky. Suddenly, I feel like sucking my thumb and taking a nap.

Fiona: It's about what I did. And you know what? I did a fucking great job. Debbie is class president! She is on debate team, going to Nationals. Lip, he's top of his class. He set the curve! Ian was promoted in ROTC, and he tested out of english! And Carl made something blow up for his science fair! And you know what? They did it all, no thanks to you, because you weren't here!
Monica: And I appreciate that, Fiona, but I'm here now and Liam belong with me.
Fiona: He doesn't even know who you are!
Monica: I'm his mother!
Fiona: You were my mother too!

Dr. Anne Crowley: You have a very rare chromosomal pattern, Mr. Ball. You are, more specifically, one in two billion. Were you aware you are from the Huntsville subgroup?
Kevin: What the hell is that?
Dr. Anne Crowley: It's a genetic signature that only comes from one very particular area in Kentucky. They were cut off from civilization by the Johnsville flood in 1826. Trapped in a rural area known as a "hollar," until someone found them again 120 years later. As a result, they are one of the most inbred populations in the United States.
Veronica: Did you say "inbred"?
Kevin: Did you say "Kentucky"?

Lip: I'm not my dad. You hear me? I'm not my fucking dad!

Debbie: That's right. NO ONE FUCKS WITH A GALLAGHER!

Frank: I'd be crying right now if I wasn't so high.

Veronica: You don't have to be jealous, babe. I think Fiona helped me realize what her
[Svetlana's]
Veronica: real power is over me. It's not the vagina.
Kevin: What could be more powerful than a vagina?
Veronica: It's her bitchiness. It's not women. It's being dominated.
Kevin: Well, great. Maybe I could do that for you.
Veronica: You?
Kevin: Sure. Why not? What could I do? Just tell me. Give me some ideas. I'll try anything you ask. I'm yours to command. Just tell me how to dominate you.
Veronica: I think you're missing the point, babe.
Kevin: [BABY CRYING] All right, I'll go. I'll be right back and boss you around, okay?

Peg: [about Sheila] Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?
Sheila: And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here. Even though you weren't even invited. And not really "honored" because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.
Karen: Okay, mom, let's open presents.
Peg: Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up.
Sheila: I'm sorry. Have I offended you, in my home, where your an interloper?
Peg: No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.
Karen: Mom, let's go upstairs.
Sheila: She called me a Wacker Drive Whore.
Fiona: [whispers] Frank!
Frank: Oh, let 'em work it out.
Sheila: And I don't know how an angel like that man could've come out of your poisoned womb!
Peg: SHUT UP, YOU BATTY BITCH!
Sheila: You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. AND YOUR COOCHIE SMELLS OF BRIMSTONE AND SULFUR!
Peg: [Takes out her pistol and points it at Sheila] I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
Fiona: Shit!
Veronica: SHIT!
Sheila: DO IT, DO IT!

Mickey: All right shithead, this is like the two hundredth time I'm calling and you not picking up! I'm starting to get fucking homicidal. Call me the fuck back, Ian! I'm worried about you. I love you. Call me back.

Dr. Giles: Mr Gallagher, you are a 51 year old man with a new liver transplant. You should be able to take responsibility for your own medications, unless you're mentally incapacitated. Are you mentally incapacitated?
Frank: Mentally incapacitated?
Dr. Giles: Retarded. Are you retarded, Frank?
Frank: No.
Dr. Giles: Then get your shit together.

Fiona: It was me, Lip. Not Frank. Not Monica. Not nature. Not nurture. It was all me. I'm 23. It can't be about how much they screwed us up anymore.

Fiona: You know, for a guy who just got engaged, you don't seem very happy to be getting married.
Kev: It's 'cause I'm already married.

Cop: We have reason to believe
[Carl]
Cop: may have robbed his former foster parents while they were at work this afternoon.
Lip: What proof you got?
Cop: He was assigned a special code. He's the only one that knows it.
Lip: That's not evidence. Get your fucking hands off him.
Cop: The code was a series of four letters: C-A-R-L.

Sheila: I will make this kitchen my bitch.

Veronica: [while giving birth] OB? I need to make an appointment with a vet. I'm havin' a damn litter!

Lip: I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you!

Frank: You and I had a good thing once, didn't we?
Kate: We did not.
Frank: I always liked you. You were fun. What happened?
Kate: I stopped drinking.
Frank: Why?
Kate: I kept waking up next to you.

Sammi: You dry-humped my thigh for half an hour yesterday.
Frank: Dry-humping is not incest.

Fiona: With a name like Chip, you think you'd want to defy the stereotype.

Carl: [to Liam] Are you retarded now? I hope you're sleeping and not in a retarded haze.

Steve: [predicting Fiona'a thought process] I lose respect for guys like Steve, because people unlike Steve, or people diametrically opposite to Steve have always let me down. So deciding that he's overeducated and has more money than sense is somehow more socially acceptable than asking myself, for instance, why do the men I always date treat me like shit?

Cop: What the fuck man? I told you not to let Billie Eilish drive the car

Kevin: [to Veronica when she's about to give birth] Baby, you know what this means, right? I got a magic dick!

Fiona: Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

Sheila: Frank! I want us to see the world!
Frank: I've seen it. It's a piece of shit.

Carl: [about constantly getting in trouble at school] A shrink at school says I'm one of God's mistakes.

Fiona: What's the one thing that we needed? One word? One thing?
Steve: Sterilization?
Fiona: Continuity. Continuity. Con-tin-uity.

Debbie: Why are you all fressed up?
Fiona: I'm gonna go see the lawyer, try to get Carl home as soon as possible.
Frank: It's a tragedy when a young man ends up behind prison bars.
Fiona: Bad parenting.
Frank: Oh, don't blame yourself.

Steve: Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?
Debbie: No.
Steve: Because they lie to help people. Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die." He would say, "We're doing everything we can." Wouldn't he?
Debbie: Yeah?
Steve: So, pretend you're being a doctor today and tell a doctor's kind of lie. Can you be a doctor for me?
Debbie: Can I be a nurse?
Steve: That's my girl.

Veronica: [to Fiona] So is Lip getting serious about Mandy Skankovich?

Steve: You're gonna be disappointed.
Fiona: Wouldn't be the first time someone's disappointed me.

Sheila: I heard you have cancer.
Peg: Yeah.
Sheila: I hope it's painful.
Peg: Your wish is granted. You've got two more - don't waste 'em.

Frank: You're a man now, Carl. The cancer makes you a man. And as a man, it's your job to keep secrets from the women who love you.

Steve: You know, 90% of the world's problems are caused by tiny words that come in pairs. I mean, we're healthy and we're happy, but when people ask, we say "Not bad."

Sheila: So, I'm just curious about what happens at the Purity Ball tonight.
Eddie: Well, it's a Christian event designed to strengthen the bond between fathers and daughters. We make a covenant... of purity, like an oath. And then we exchange promise rings and, uh we do some chastity prayers. It's fun.
Sheila: Wow. Do they have these, um, balls for young men?
Eddie: [perplexed] Why would they?

Steve: And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?
Kevin: Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Fiona: [to Debbie] Nobody *fucks* with the Gallaghers!

Kevin: [Attempting dominant bedroom talk] And do you think I like picking long scummy hairs out of the drain? No. But do you give a fuck? No. If you did, you would use the goddamn mesh drain stopper. Wouldn't you?
Veronica: Yes!
Kevin: Wouldn't you?
Veronica: I'm close. I'm so close!
Kevin: You never hang up wet towels. You never refill the ice tray! You never buy stamps!

Monica: There's always gonna be people that are gonna try to fix us, and you can never make those people happy. Like, it breaks their heart just to look at you.
Ian: Yeah, even Mickey, now.
Monica: That's your boyfriend, right?
Ian: Yeah, you remember him?
Monica: I'm sure he means well, but you need to be with people who accept you for who you are, and they're out there. You should never apologize for being you. You, Ian. I love you.

Frank: I'd be crying, too, if I wasn't so high.

Fiona: It's not like that, he may need to be hospitalized.
Mickey: What do you mean, like a psych ward? No fucking way. No fucking way! He's staying here.
Fiona: He could end up suicidal!
Mickey: Then we hide the knives until he perks up! I can... I can take care of him, okay? Let me take care of him until he's better.
Fiona: It can be weeks! It's mood swings, okay, it's almost impossible to handle!
Mickey: Don't fucking tell me what's impossible! We're taking care of him here, you and me, us. His fucking family!

Amanda: The feminazis are after me. Accused me of trying to destroy a high-status female because I've internalized my own gender oppression. Two thousand comments on my Facebook page, including death threats.

Hockey: Think you would tap that ass?
Customer: Sure, if I double bagged it.
Hockey: Project girls. You know they are all whores.