100 Best Eastbound & Down Quotes

Kenny: Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick. Everyone.

Kenny: [Kenny's audiobook plays] So, in closing, I'd like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there's one thing I've learned through all my adventures and conquests, it's that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I'm not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that's just the way shit works sometimes. This has been based on a true story. The motherfuckin' end.

Kenny: So, besides getting shot in the back of the head do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school and no, I'm not making that up.

Kenny: You're fucking out.

Kenny: Smashing a brick through a dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people.

Stevie: No bunts! No bunting!

Cassie: Her name is Rose, named after Ms. Kate Winslet in the movie 'Titanic'.
Kenny: [laughs] Y'all named your daughter after fucking 'Titanic'?
Dustin: Cassie's favorite movie.
Kenny: [laughs] Wow, you gotta be shittin' me.
[points to Dustin's son]
Kenny: What's his name, fuckin' Shrek?

Kenny: You're fuckin' out!

Casper: Hey, Stevie. Did you get cancer?

Dustin: You got any credentials there, pal?
Pat: Credentials? Yeah, I got some credentials.
[reveals black credit card]
Pat: Business account, of course.
Dustin: What's black? Is black better than gold?
Pat: Uh, yeah. Gold might get you Jonas Brothers tickets. Black will have all three of them sucking your dick.

April: Kenny, what are you doing in my bedroom?
Kenny: What, you mean besides creeping around here like a rapist?

Kenny: You're fucking out!

Kenny: Nah dude! This is a real job, not like teaching kids. You can't get fucked up.

Kenny: Funny thing, when you're on top of the world, every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable... just to... regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of fuckin' day.

Kenny: Where were you? I told you to wait in the car. Why is there silver shit all over your face?
Clegg: I was hangin' out with those dudes in the parking lot.
Kenny: Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?

Ashley: [shouting] Ashley Schaffer BMW! Ashley Schaffer BMW! Ashley Schaffer BMW!

[first lines]
Kenny: When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.

Kenny: Honey, I love you, I think you're a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.

Kenny: Honey, I love you... I think you're a terrific girl, but you got clothes like a fuckin' dickhead.

Kenny: That was the moment I realized I had finally achieved everything I had worked so hard for, despite the countless obstacles and adversities I faced along the way. It was that exact moment when I looked into that batter's eyes and I saw stone cold childlike fear. For the first time in so many moons I thought I was in total control. I held my own destiny in my hands as sure as I held that baseball. My future-everything-comes down to one final pitch.

Kenny: Work drugs.

Kenny: Alright, got time for one more.
[picks timid looking kid in the bleachers]
Kenny: Timid Kid.
Timid: My dad said you ruined baseball.
Kenny: You know what, I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull ups or pushups you do.
[to the class]
Kenny: If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class...
[points back to timid looking kid]
Kenny: Aim for him, because I ain't watchin'.

Kenny: Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball, I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

Terrence: Kenny, I've called you here for something rather serious and kind of sad. Coach Booth died this morning. They're not sure, but they think he may have been taking too many of the pain pills the doctor gave him for his back.
Kenny: Shit, you can die from that?

Kenny: You came.
April: Yeah, I heard it on the radio.
Kenny: So does this mean...?
April: Yes.
Kenny: I just want you to know that I've been thinking a lot about what happened at the cook-out.
April: Can we talk about it later when everyone is not around?
Kenny: It was just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and then I saw those tits and I started feeling your ass, and then i just started breathing heavy and i almost got a headache, and then my vision started to go all colorful... Then I just came in my pants.
April: Ok...
April: But I won't do that again.
Baseball: Hey, can we finish this or you just gonna yakkity yak with tits and legs over there?
Kenny: Hey! She's more that just a pair of tits with legs, Mackworthy!

Terrence: When I heard you were gonna be subbing here I almost lost my mind.
Kenny: Well that's good for you.
Terrence: There's something you need to know, Kenny. You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a Triathlon right now. Doin' a lot of running, and cycling, swimming. Well you know all about that.
Kenny: No actually I don't. I do SPORTS. Not try to be the best at exercising.

Kenny: Where were you? Why is there silver shit all over your face?
Clegg: I was hanging out with those guys in the parking lot.
Kenny: What were you doing? Giving Robocop a blowjob?

Kenny: Fuck that noise.

Stevie: Look at me mom. Look at me mom.
Prostitute: Get it daddy. C'mon.
Stevie: I feel like I could go all fucking night.
Prostitute: But you only paid for an hour baby.
Stevie: Right, no, but if I had paid for more than an hour I could
[trails off into a groaning orgasm]
Prostitute: Let it all out, get a good return on that dollar. That's it, go on and get it.

Janitor: Where the f**k is that dude goin'? It's still first period!

Kenny: It seems to me an establishment such as this could go for an overhaul in the advertising spokesman game. I'm talking about a real celebrity, not some sign spinning fucking monkey. I'm talking about goddamn me in the store, live, un-cut, in person, bringing in the customers, lubing the deals.

Kenny: I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's buy the bar and get shitfaced. Get me paid, bitch!

Cassie: You get the Christmas cards we got you this year?
Kenny: Uhh, yeah I think so, yeah. I mean I get a shit ton of fan mail, so it's a lot of mail to go through. So, uhh yeah I think I did. Ya'll get that tanning bed I sent ya'll last year?
Cassie: Yeah the one you sent three years ago?
Kenny: Three years? Wow. Um. Um. Well it is a tannin' bed, you know. So...
[to the boys]
Kenny: you boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers who used to live down the streets from us. Hilarious
[referencing Dustin]
Kenny: I mean this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he has a family. He's got a nice shirt on.
Cassie: We try to teach our children NOT to make fun of others who are challenged
Kenny: 'MONGOLOID' Mike. Is that what we used to call him? We used to bush his head open with a stick. Remember that?
Cassie: Okay. I think we're gonna tone down the language, right.

Kenny: You know when dealing with bad depression, and, sad shit, it's cool to pretend like nothin' is wrong. That sometimes works. But, eventually, you gotta call a goddamn spade a spade and be like "yo I'm fucked up and I gotta make a change." Sometimes you gotta wash away the paint and reveal to the world the jackass that is hiding beneath. Sometimes, you just gotta get back in the fucking game.

Kenny: [repeated line when pitching a strikeout] You're fucking out!

Kid: My dad said you ruined baseball!
Kenny: You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you! And I'm probably not going to like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do! If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, cause I aint watching

Kenny: Fine. You want me out of here?
April: Yeah.
Kenny: Ok, I'm out. Party's over. I guess I'll have to find somebody new to fall in love with who will appreciate these; want some fucking rubies?
April: Get the fuck out.
Kenny: Some fucking emeralds?

Kenny: I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.

Ashley: We got beautiful cars, beautiful surroundings... beautiful women.
Kenny: Oh yeah, they are pretty hot, huh?
Ashley: They're my closers. And they help people who are slightly hesistant to buy cars; so you happen to be a man? Ashley over there will suck your dick.
Kenny: I like how you work.
Ashley: You happen to be a woman, Scott will finger you with his penis.

Kenny: Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. i honestly just feel that America is the best country and all the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called 'patriotism'.

Reg: I know where you at, man. You had it all, and now it's gone. And it's torn a whole in your soul bigger'n my Escalade. So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human traffickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... darkness.

Kenny: You came back for me.
Stevie: No, I never really left.
Kenny: Well, that's illegal. We shouldn't just have it out, but thanks dude.

Kenny: People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

Kenny: A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

Kenny: I need to record something!
Stevie: Well, I have a cracked version of Logic Pro 8.

Ashley: That's my game!
Ashley: Dick slappin's my game!

News: So, Kenny. How do you feel about playing for New York?
Kenny: You mean 'JEW' York? It's fuckin' great.

Reg's: Clegg here?
Kenny: The fuck do you want?
Reg's: You Clegg?
Kenny: Maybe.
Clegg: [whispers] Then again, maybe not.
Reg's: I will fuck you up, motherfucker!
Kenny: That's not what I was insinuating. By my body language I was just saying welcome to Sh-Boom Sh-Booms.
Reg's: Look, whichever of you two faggots is Clegg, I got the money.
Clegg: Oh, wait, you're the bodyguard.
Reg's: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, listen, um, can we take care of this shit out back? This bar smells like a old lady farted piss.
Clegg: That's gross.

Kenny: I'm just an average American... with extraordinary hair.

Kenny: If there's one thing I hate in this life, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.

Ashley: Dickslapping's my game!

Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
Clegg: You mean, like from the store?
Kenny: No mother fucker! I'm talking about roids. Don't act like you don't know about drugs when you do!

Terrence: You want a smoothie?
Kenny: No, I'm straight.

Kenny: Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... when I do you from behind...

Kenny: There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it. And that image, that one image is your big tits.

Kenny: Remember. There is no I in team, but there is a U in cunt. So don't be little jealous cunts, ok?

Marcus: [sitting behind Kenny, on his cell phone] Hey, you're never gonna believe who's sitting in front of me. Kenny fucking Powers. No shit. Yeah, it's him. No, hell no, he looks like shit. He looks like a big bag full of mashed up asshole.

Kenny: Fuck man, I'm a bulletproof tiger, dude!

Ashley: I had a dream about this moment... When I was making love... to my wife Donna. On top a her; powerful thrusts, filling the sultry night air. Heavy breath. My son Gabriel walked in, little boy. My wife sprung out of bed and said "No, Gabriel! Leave!" And I said "No, honey, shut your mouth, let him watch." Let him watch what is being consecrated here. And I want the people to watch what is going to be consecrated here. And I will bring my son down here, and he will watch.

Ashley: Can you feel the tension? I can. I can feel down in my plums. Getting a nice, bluish hue. Getting ready to take them down to the farmer's market.

Kenny: I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I'm not dancin with any wolves no matter how high I get. Not that I get high, but if i did my shit would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ"

Kenny: Listen, you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth!

Roy: Kenny Powers, it is time to quit tickling balls and start sucking your dream's dick.

Kenny: I transcend race, hombre.

Kenny: If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it's losing and getting cancer.

Kenny: You named your baby after "Titanic"? What's this mother fucker's name? Shrek?

Kenny: Why are you all trying to make me out like I'm goddamn Eric Roberts in Star 80?

Terrence: A lot of people are feeling a lot of things right now! Let's just get our feelings out there and talk it through and calm down!
Terrence: I've been a little bit upset!
Terrence: I've mostly been out in the woods! And it's... not normal for me... to live out in the woods.
Terrence: I've been going a little bit of crazy!

Terrence: [At party] Well look at this, Kenny Powers you made it! Wow. And who is this lovely lady you've got with you?
Kenny: Lovely - her?
Tracy: Don't be so fucking rude.
Kenny: Cutler this is Tracy. Tracy, Cutler. And he's my boss so don't try to suck him off.

Kenny: Fuck that noise!

Kenny: When we were kids, me and your Dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used live down the street from us. Hilarious! I mean this guy was the most ruthless one! Now, I'm sittin here, he's got a family, nice shirt on.
Cassie: We try to teach our children not to make fun of others who are challenged.
Kenny: Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him?

Reporter: Kenny, What do you think of New York?
Kenny: You mean Jew York? It's fucking great.

Stevie: Okay, so I can have the EQ optimized for what you wanna do. I just need to know, ah, are you gonna be singing?

Kenny: A stork wrapped around a tree branch. That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know that's how the plague started back in the day. It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

Stevie: Watch out, ass blood.

Kenny: [at Catuey's table] Do you all have room for one mas more?

Clegg: Powers. Step into my office. Let's do some blow.
Kenny: Finally, motherfucker.

April: I'm just not ready to take that risk... of my life... on that gamble.
Kenny: What the fuck does that even mean?
Kenny: The risk... of... the life... with the gamble - -what?
April: I'm not ready to risk my life on a gamble!

Kenny: [Kenny speaking to Stevie about how great his life is in Mexico] Yeah, this is pretty much me, every day. Staring at butt holes and getting my buzz on.

Girl P.E. Student #1: Is it true you were in jail?
Kenny: No babe, rehab.
Girl P.E. Student #2: Did you hurt yourself?
Kenny: No, I didn't hurt myself.
Girl P.E. Student #2: 'Cause Coach Booth said after his back surgery he has to go to rehab.
Kenny: Oh okay. Yeah I hurt myself, I hurt my nose.

Pat: Fuck the kids!

Kenny: Can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream... while I do you from behind.

Kenny: You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself, 'cause those charges were dropped.

Kenny: [on phone with prostitute] Alright, so let me get this straight. So I gotta pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a fuckin' hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin' I got a house. You can just get your ass over and we could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM' while I do you from behind.
[prostitute hangs up]
Kenny: Hello? Hey?

Kenny: Y'all named your kid after fuckin' Titanic? You gotta be shittin me!
Dustin: It's Cassie's favorite movie.
Kenny: Oh wow, you better be shittin me. What's his name fuckin' Shrek? No, huh?

Kenny: Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.

Ashley: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Can you feel the tension? I can! I can feel it... down in my plums. They're getting a nice bluish hue, gettin' ready to take 'em to the farmer's market.

Kenny: Ya'll get that tanning bed i sent ya'll last year?
Cassie: Yeah, you mean the one you sent three years ago?
Kenny: Wow. Three years... hmm. Well, it IS a tanning bed.

P.E. Kid: When you did steroids, did they make your balls shrink?
Kenny: Oh, you think that's funny? How 'bout I show you my balls right now and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information, I have full-size balls. Next question.

Reg: When did you become such a pussy? I mean, you've always been a pussy. But now you're like a vagina with a mullet.

Timid: My dad said you ruined baseball.
Kenny: You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you. And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or push-ups you do. All right, anybody who wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him, 'cause I'm not watchin'.

Kenny: I'm gonna have a fucking panic attack. I need four xanax and two Miller Lites.

Kenny: I'm the man who has the ball. I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So that is why i am better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick... everyone.

Kenny: But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

Kenny: I need you to score me some juice.
Clegg: What do you mean? Like from the store?
Kenny: No, you idiot. Steroids!

Kenny: Listen here you beautiful bitch. I am about to fuck you up with some truth.

Kenny: I'm trying so hard not to be an asshole to you guys, Ok? I'm just disappointed with my own arm, and how its trying to buttfuck me back here.

Kenny: I should have never trusted a man that size.

Cassie: [about Kenny] Dustin, I know it is our Christ-given duty to help out family, but can't we just kill him instead?

Terrence: There's something you need to know about Kenny, you're not the only athlete here at Chip Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon. Doing a lot of running, cycling, swimming, but you know all about that.
Kenny: No actually I don't. I play real sports, not try to be the best at exercising!