Top 50 Quotes From Sherlock, Season 3, Episode 3

- Because that's where they sit.
- The people who come in here with their stories.
- The clients.
- That's all you are now, Mary.
- You're a client.
- This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen.
- Then we decide if we want you or not.

Sherlock: Most ghosts tend to haunt a single house. This ghost, however, is willing to commute.

- Unwise, brother mine.
- -Brother mine... -[Cracking]
- Don't appal me when I'm high.
- Mycroft, don't say another word, just go. He could snap you in two and right now,
- I'm slightly worried that he might.
- Don't speak, just leave.

- Sherlock!
- You don't telljohn.
- Magnussen: Bad girl.
- Bad, bad girl.
- Look at me.
- And tell me you're not going to tell him.

- There isn't a man or woman in england capable of stopping that disgusting creature.
- Ma'am?
- Turn the car around.
- We're going back into town. Turn round.
- Where are we going, ma'am?
- Baker Street.

Sherlock: John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and consistency of your friendship.

- I agree.
- Sherlock, you need to fall on your back.
- Anderson: Right now the bullet is the cork in a bottle.
- The bullet itself is blocking most of the blood flow.
- But any pressure or impact on the entrance wound could dislodge it.
- Plus, on your back, gravity is working for us.
- Fall now.

Sherlock: So on to some funny stories about John. If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would... be better.

Mary: You don't tell him.
- You don't telljohn.
- You're Mary Watson.
- Who are you?
[Whispers] Mary Watson.

Mrs. Hudson: It changes people, marriage.
Sherlock: Mmmm, no, it doesn't.
Mrs. Hudson: Well, you wouldn't understand 'cause you always live alone.
Sherlock: Your husband was executed for double murder. You're hardly an advert for companionship.
Mrs. Hudson: Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can't imagine.
Sherlock: As does lethal injection.

- Now, where is Isaac Whitney?
- I don't know.
- Maybe upstairs.
- There you go. Wasn't that easy?
- No, it was really sore.
- Mental, you are.
- No, just used to a better class of criminal.

- without causing a riot on a daily basis.
- The alternative, however, would require your approval.
- Hardly merciful, mr Holmes.
- Mycrofi': Regrettably, lady smallwood, my brother is a murderer.

- Another in here.
- Security.
- John: Does he need help?
- Ex-con, white supremacist by the tattoos, so who ca res?
- Stick with Janine.
- Janine, focus on my voice now.
- Can you hear me?

James: Mr. Holmes, you and I are similar, I think.
Sherlock: Yes, I think we are.
James: There's a proper time to die, isn't there?
Sherlock: Of course there is.
James: And one should embrace it when it comes... Like a soldier.
Sherlock: Of course one should, but not at John's wedding! We wouldn't do that, would we, you and me? We would *never* do that to John Watson.

- Ask me.
- Why are you smiling?
- Because Sherlock Holmes has made one enormous mistake which will destroy the lives of everyone he loves and everything he holds dear.
- Let me show you the appledore vaults.

Janine: Can I keep you?
Sherlock: Do you like solving crimes?
Janine: Do you have a vacancy?
[Sherlock smiles, but then looks at John]

- Speaking of news, you will both be heavily featured tomorrow.
- Trying to sell state secrets to me.
- Let's go outside.
- They'll be here shortly.
- Can't wait to see you arrested.
- Sherlock, do we have a plan?
- Sherlock?

Dr. John Watson: [the drunken Sherlock is at an apartment looking for clues, while John, who is also drunk, watches] He's cluing for looks.
[Sherlock falls asleep on the floor]

- John, magnussen is all that matters now.
- You can trust Mary.
- She saved my life.
- She shot you.
- Uh, mixed messages,
- I Grant you. That is a...
- -[Groaning]
- Sherlock... Sherlock. Take him.
- Got him?
- Medic: Yeah.

- John: Sherlock...
Sherlock: Let him, I'm sorry. Just...
- Let him.
- Hmm? Come on, eye open.
- It's difficult, isn't it?
- Janine managed it once.
- She makes the funniest noises.

- by picturing it.
- I just sit here, I close my eyes and down I go to my vaults.
- I can go anywhere inside my vaults.
- My memories.
- I'll look at the files on mrs Watson.

[playing a game of trying to guess the name stuck to their foreheads while they are drunk]
Dr. John Watson: Am I a woman?
[Sherlock laughs]
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Am I... pretty?
[points to forehead]
Dr. John Watson: This.
Sherlock: Uh, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
Sherlock: I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
Dr. John Watson: You picked the name!
Sherlock: Yeah, but I picked it at random from the papers.
Dr. John Watson: You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?

Sherlock: [Sherlock and John are both severely drunk] Don't compromise the integrity of the...
[Sherlock vomits on the carpet]
Dr. John Watson: ...crime scene.
[John puts his hand up for a high five]
Sherlock: [Sherlock lifts his head up and sways a bit] Yeah, that...
[Sherlock wipes some vomit from around his mouth]

- Now, talk and sort it out and do it quickly.

- I have an interview with the one show and I haven't made it up yet.
- Just one thing.
- You shouldn't have lied to me.
- I know what kind of man you are.
- We could have been friends.
- I'll give your love tojohn and Mary.

- They're just ordinary spectacles.
- Yes, they are.

- So you're okay?
- Oh! Are we doing conversation today?
- It really is Christmas.
[Scoffs] Now?
- Seriously? Months of silence and we're going to do this now?

- I might as well say it now.
- Sherlock is actually a girl's name.
- It's not.
- It was worth a try.
- We're not naming our daughter after you.
- I think it could work.
- To the very best of times, John.

- He's pulled through.
- Really?
- Yeah, you...
- Seriously?
- Mrs Watson. You're in big trouble.
- Really, why?
- His first word when he woke up?
- Mary.

Sherlock: You will look after him for me, won't you?
- Don't worry, I'll keep him in trouble.
- That's my girl.
- Since this is likely to be the last conversation I'll have with John Watson, would you mind if we took a moment?

Mary: Oh Sherlock,
[smiling at his jealousy]
Mary: neither of us were the first you know.
Sherlock: Stop smiling.
Mary: [Smiling bigger] It's my wedding day.

Sherlock: There was one feature and only one feature in the whole baffling case. John Watson. Who, while I was trying to solve a murder, instead saved a life.

Dr. John Watson: The telegrams.
Sherlock: Right, um... Mm... First things first. Telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams. We just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently.
Sherlock: [reading] "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."
Dr. John Watson: Ah, Mike...
Mary: Aw.
Sherlock: [next telegram] "To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big..."
[pause]
Sherlock: "... big squishy cuddles from Stella and Ted."
Sherlock: [next telegram] "Mary, Lots of love...", Oh!
Dr. John Watson: Yeah?
Sherlock: [with precise diction] "... poppet."
[John and Mary giggle]
Sherlock: [next telegram] "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."
[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]
Dr. John Watson: Hey, hmm?
Mary: Yep.
Sherlock: [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day." "Very special day." "Love." "Love." "Love." "Love." "Love." Bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People are basically fond.

Sherlock: Now, serviettes.
[pulls tray with two fancily folded napkins out from under coffe table]
Sherlock: Swan or Sydney Opera House?
Mary: Where did you learn to do that?
Sherlock: Many unexpected skills required in the field of criminal investigation.
Mary: Fibbing, Sherlock.
Sherlock: I once broke an alibi by demonstrating the exact severity of...
Mary: I'm not John. I can tell when you're fibbing.
Sherlock: Okay. I learnt it on YouTube.

Mum: He said you had some pictures for him as a treat.
Sherlock: Er... yes, if he's, um, good.
Pageboy: Beheadings.
Sherlock: [quickly trying to change the subject] Lovely little village.
Mum: Hmm?
[to boy]
Mum: What did you say?

Sherlock: I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
Dr. John Watson: No, I don't have an international reputation.
Sherlock: No. And I can't even remember what for. It's... crime. Something like that.

- the personal freedom of anyone you've ever met is a fantasy.
[Knocking] Yoo-hoo.
- Oh, that was the doorbell.
- Couldn't you hear it?
- It's in the fridge. It kept ringing.
- Oh, that's not a fault, Sherlock.
- Who is it?
- Mr Holmes says you can go right up.

David: They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.
Sherlock: High-functioning sociopath. With your number.

- you had a problem.
- More specifically, you had a witness.
- Magnussen: What do you do now?
- Kill the both of us?
- S h erlock: This solution, of course, was simple.
- I[ill us both and leave.

Dr. John Watson: Am I a woman?
Sherlock: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Am I pretty?
Sherlock: Beauty is a construct based on childhood impressions, influences, and role models.
Dr. John Watson: But am I pretty?
Sherlock: I don't know. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
Dr. John Watson: You picked the name!
Sherlock: I picked it at random from the papers.
Dr. John Watson: You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you?

- Hang on, is that...
- Hi, Janine.
- Go on, let me in.
- I can't, you know I can't.
- Don't be silly.
- Don't make me do it out here, not...
- In front of everyone.
- Do what in front of everyone?

- Oh, I don't know.
- What's the matter with you?
- There is nothing the matter with me!
- Imagine I said that without shouting.
- I'm trying.
- No, you can't come, you're pregnant.
- You can't go, I'm pregnant.

- Ch rist, Sherlock!
- Don't fire.
- Mycro fi': Do not fire on Sherlock Holmes.
- Do not fire!
- John: Oh, Christ, Sherlock.
- Give my love to Mary.
- Tell her she's safe now.

[delivering his best man's speech]
Sherlock: I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species.
[long pause]
Sherlock: But anyway, let's talk about John.
Dr. John Watson: [painfully embarrassed] Please.
Sherlock: If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel...
[Janine and the other bridesmaids look offended]
Sherlock: And contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of His creation. Or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.
[the minister looks offended, and a mutter runs through the room]
Sherlock: The point I'm trying to make is that I am... the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous...
[looks at the Minister]
Sherlock: Unaware of the beautiful...
[looks at Janine]
Sherlock: And uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
[looks towards John and Mary]
Sherlock: So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend. And certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion... actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss - so sorry again about that last one - so know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife, and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

- That's not what I meant.
- That is not in any way...
- Mr magnussen, can you recall an occasion when your remarks could have influenced government policy?
- Or the prime minister's thinking in any way?
- Magnussen: No.
- Are you sure?

[Sherlock commences the Best Man's speech at John's wedding]
Sherlock: Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and... um... others.
[He stammers uncertainly]
Sherlock: ... Also...
Dr. John Watson: Telegrams...
Sherlock: Right. Um... First things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently...
[reading]
Sherlock: "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."
Dr. John Watson: Ah, Mike...
Sherlock: "To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..."
[chokes the cloying words out]
Sherlock: "... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted."
[next telegram]
Sherlock: "Mary: Lots of love..."
Dr. John Watson: Yeah?
Sherlock: [with precise diction] "... poppet."
[John and Mary giggle]
Sherlock: "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."
[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]
Sherlock: [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People basically fond.

Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock and Watson are sitting side by side on a park bench, staring straight ahead] The thing about Mary is she has completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that, and the other one is...
[turns to Sherlock who is no longer there]
Dr. John Watson: ... a complete dick-head.

Janine: [to Sherlock, obviously attracted to him] I wish you weren't... whatever it is you are.

- Except it's not dead-eyed, is it?
- You're reading.
- Portable appledore.
- How does it work?
- Built-in flash drive?
- 4g wireless?

Dr. John Watson: The best man.
Sherlock: The best man?
Dr. John Watson: What do you think?
Sherlock: Billy Kincaid.
Dr. John Watson: Sorry, what?
Sherlock: Billy Kincaid, the Camden garroter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity never disclosed. Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure. And ran the best and safest children's homes in North England. Yes, every now and again there would be some garrotings, but stacking up the lives saved *against* the garrotings, on balance I'd say...
Dr. John Watson: [interrupts] For my wedding. For me. I need a best man.
Sherlock: Oh, right.
Dr. John Watson: Maybe not a garroter.