Top 50 Quotes From Sherlock, Season 3, Episode 3

James: Mr. Holmes, you and I are similar, I think.
Sherlock: Yes, I think we are.
James: There's a proper time to die, isn't there?
Sherlock: Of course there is.
James: And one should embrace it when it comes... Like a soldier.
Sherlock: Of course one should, but not at John's wedding! We wouldn't do that, would we, you and me? We would *never* do that to John Watson.

- Mrs Hudson will cry.
- And mummy and daddy will cry.
- And the women will cry and John will cry buckets and buckets.
- It's him that I worry about the most.
- That wife...
- You're letting him down, Sherlock.
- John Watson is definitely in danger.

Sherlock: Why, WHY would he date all of those women and not return their calls.
Dr. John Watson: You're missing the obvious, mate.
Sherlock: Am I?
Dr. John Watson: He's a man.

- Now, where is Isaac Whitney?
- I don't know.
- Maybe upstairs.
- There you go. Wasn't that easy?
- No, it was really sore.
- Mental, you are.
- No, just used to a better class of criminal.

Sherlock: Basically, it's a cute smile to the bride's side, cute smile to the groom's side, and then the rings.
Pageboy: No.
Sherlock: And you have to wear the outfit.
Pageboy: No.
Sherlock: You really do have to wear the outfit.
Pageboy: What for?
Sherlock: Grownups like that sort of thing.
Pageboy: Why?
Sherlock: I don't know. I'll ask one.
Pageboy: You're a detective?
Sherlock: Yep.
Pageboy: Have you solved any murders?
Sherlock: Sure, loads.
Pageboy: Can I see?
Sherlock: Yeah, all right.
[both go to Sherlock's computer where he pulls up old cases]
Pageboy: What's all that stuff in his eye?
Sherlock: Maggots.
Pageboy: Cool.

- At this hour, almost certainly his pa.
- So, how does that help us?
- Human error. I've been shopping.
- Here we go, then.
- You realise you don't exactly look like magnussen?
- Which, in this case, is a considerable advantage.

Sherlock: There was one feature and only one feature in the whole baffling case. John Watson. Who, while I was trying to solve a murder, instead saved a life.

Dr. John Watson: [Sherlock and Watson are sitting side by side on a park bench, staring straight ahead] The thing about Mary is she has completely turned my life around. Changed everything. But, for the record, over the last few years there are two people who have done that, and the other one is...
[turns to Sherlock who is no longer there]
Dr. John Watson: ... a complete dick-head.

- That's not what I meant.
- That is not in any way...
- Mr magnussen, can you recall an occasion when your remarks could have influenced government policy?
- Or the prime minister's thinking in any way?
- Magnussen: No.
- Are you sure?

Sherlock: [Sherlock and John are sitting on a bench opposite Royal Guards on duty] You think they give them classes?
Dr. John Watson: Classes?
Sherlock: How to resist the temptation to scratch their behinds.
Dr. John Watson: Afferent neurons in the peripheral nervous system. Bum itch.
Sherlock: Oh.

- Now, talk and sort it out and do it quickly.

Janine: Can I keep you?
Sherlock: Do you like solving crimes?
Janine: Do you have a vacancy?
[Sherlock smiles, but then looks at John]

Sherlock: John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and consistency of your friendship.

[playing a game of trying to guess the name stuck to their foreheads while they are drunk]
Dr. John Watson: Am I a woman?
[Sherlock laughs]
Dr. John Watson: What?
Sherlock: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Am I... pretty?
[points to forehead]
Dr. John Watson: This.
Sherlock: Uh, beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
Sherlock: I don't know who you are. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
Dr. John Watson: You picked the name!
Sherlock: Yeah, but I picked it at random from the papers.
Dr. John Watson: You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you, Sherlock?

- All right, shezza?
- Shezza?
- I was undercover.
- Seriously, shezza, though?
- We're not going home, we're going to barts.
- I'm calling Molly.
- Why?
- Because Sherlock Holmes needs to pee in a jar.

- Another in here.
- Security.
- John: Does he need help?
- Ex-con, white supremacist by the tattoos, so who ca res?
- Stick with Janine.
- Janine, focus on my voice now.
- Can you hear me?

- Man: Your car is waiting outside in the front, thank you.
- See you tomorrow.

- Because that's where they sit.
- The people who come in here with their stories.
- The clients.
- That's all you are now, Mary.
- You're a client.
- This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen.
- Then we decide if we want you or not.

David: They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.
Sherlock: High-functioning sociopath. With your number.

- I might as well say it now.
- Sherlock is actually a girl's name.
- It's not.
- It was worth a try.
- We're not naming our daughter after you.
- I think it could work.
- To the very best of times, John.

- You're the sane one, aren't you?
- Aren't you?
- Oh, sorry. I just...
- Oh. Do you two need a moment?
- If you don't mind.
- No, of course not. I'll go see if I can help with something or another.

- Oh, Sherlock.
- What have you done?

Sherlock: [to Molly] I want you to calculate John's ideal intake and mine to remain in the sweet spot the whole evening.

Mrs. Hudson: It changes people, marriage.
Sherlock: Mmmm, no, it doesn't.
Mrs. Hudson: Well, you wouldn't understand 'cause you always live alone.
Sherlock: Your husband was executed for double murder. You're hardly an advert for companionship.
Mrs. Hudson: Marriage changes you as a person in ways that you can't imagine.
Sherlock: As does lethal injection.

Sherlock: You look well.
Molly: I am.
Sherlock: How's...
[long pause as Sherlock tries to remember a name]
Sherlock: Tom?
Molly: Not a sociopath.
Sherlock: Still? Good.
Molly: And we're having quite a lot of sex.
[Smiling happily in sharing this information]
Sherlock: [Sherlock moves his eyes back and forth as if trying to figure out where to put this information in his mind. All the while smiling politely]

Janine: Do you always carry handcuffs?
Sherlock: Down, girl.

Sherlock: [Sherlock and John are both severely drunk] Don't compromise the integrity of the...
[Sherlock vomits on the carpet]
Dr. John Watson: ...crime scene.
[John puts his hand up for a high five]
Sherlock: [Sherlock lifts his head up and sways a bit] Yeah, that...
[Sherlock wipes some vomit from around his mouth]

Sherlock: You will look after him for me, won't you?
- Don't worry, I'll keep him in trouble.
- That's my girl.
- Since this is likely to be the last conversation I'll have with John Watson, would you mind if we took a moment?

- Unwise, brother mine.
- -Brother mine... -[Cracking]
- Don't appal me when I'm high.
- Mycroft, don't say another word, just go. He could snap you in two and right now,
- I'm slightly worried that he might.
- Don't speak, just leave.

- It's for a case, you said.
- Yep.
- What sort of case?
- Too big and dangerous for any sane individual to get involved in.
- You're trying to put me off?
- God, no.
- I'm trying to recruit you.
- And stay out of my bedroom.

[Sherlock commences the Best Man's speech at John's wedding]
Sherlock: Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, and... um... others.
[He stammers uncertainly]
Sherlock: ... Also...
Dr. John Watson: Telegrams...
Sherlock: Right. Um... First things first: Telegrams. Although they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams, I don't know why. Wedding tradition... Because we don't have enough of that already, apparently...
[reading]
Sherlock: "To Mr. and Mrs. Watson: So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes. Mike Stamford."
Dr. John Watson: Ah, Mike...
Sherlock: "To John and Mary: All good wishes for your special day with love and many big..."
[chokes the cloying words out]
Sherlock: "... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted."
[next telegram]
Sherlock: "Mary: Lots of love..."
Dr. John Watson: Yeah?
Sherlock: [with precise diction] "... poppet."
[John and Mary giggle]
Sherlock: "Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes, from Cam. Wish your family could have seen this."
[Mary's expression darkens momentarily]
Sherlock: [shuffling rapidly through remaining telegrams] Um, "Special day," "Very special day," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," "Love," bit of a theme, you get the general gist. People basically fond.

Major: Is that what this is all about? Distracting me so that *this* man could get in here and kill Bainbridge?
Dr. John Watson: So I...
Sherlock: Kill him with what? Where's the weapon?
Major: What?
Sherlock: Where's the weapon? Go on, search me, no weapon.
Dr. John Watson: Bainbridge was on parade. He came off duty five minutes ago. When's this supposed to have happened?
Major: You obviously stabbed him before he got into the shower.
Sherlock: No.
Major: No?
Sherlock: He's soaking wet and there's still shampoo in his hair. He got into the shower and then someone stabbed him.
Duty: But the cubicle was locked from the inside, sir. I had to break it open.
Major: Must have climbed over the top.
Sherlock: Well, then I'd be soaking wet, too, wouldn't I?

- by picturing it.
- I just sit here, I close my eyes and down I go to my vaults.
- I can go anywhere inside my vaults.
- My memories.
- I'll look at the files on mrs Watson.

- John: Sherlock...
Sherlock: Let him, I'm sorry. Just...
- Let him.
- Hmm? Come on, eye open.
- It's difficult, isn't it?
- Janine managed it once.
- She makes the funniest noises.

Sherlock: Sorry, that was one more deduction than I was really expecting.
Mary: Deduction?
Sherlock: Increased appetite.
Mary: [flashback to earlier] I'm starving.
Sherlock: Change of taste perception.
Mary: [flashback to earlier] Ugh, I chose this wine. It's bloody awful.
Sherlock: You were sick this morning. You assumed it was just wedding doubts. You got angry with me when I mentioned it to you. All the signs are there.
Mary: The signs?
Sherlock: The signs of three.
Mary: What?
Sherlock: Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test.

Sherlock: So on to some funny stories about John. If you could all just cheer up a bit, that would... be better.

[last lines]
Dr. John Watson: This isn't a waltz, is it?
Mary: No.
Sherlock: Don't worry, Mary, I have been tutoring him.
Dr. John Watson: He did, you know. Baker Street, behind closed curtains. Mrs. Hudson came in one time. Don't know how those rumors started.

Sherlock: I will solve your murder but it takes John Watson to save your life.

Sherlock: Imagine someone's going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?
Mrs. Hudson: I think you're a popular choice at the moment, dear.

- Ch rist, Sherlock!
- Don't fire.
- Mycro fi': Do not fire on Sherlock Holmes.
- Do not fire!
- John: Oh, Christ, Sherlock.
- Give my love to Mary.
- Tell her she's safe now.

Janine: [to Sherlock, obviously attracted to him] I wish you weren't... whatever it is you are.

- ♪ it's raining, I'm crying
- We're losing you. Sherlock!
- Come on, Sherlock.
- Just die, why can't you?
- One little push and off you pop.

- Speaking of news, you will both be heavily featured tomorrow.
- Trying to sell state secrets to me.
- Let's go outside.
- They'll be here shortly.
- Can't wait to see you arrested.
- Sherlock, do we have a plan?
- Sherlock?

Bainbridge: [a letter addressed to Sherlock is read aloud] Dear Mr Holmes, my name is Bainbridge. I'm a Private in Her Majesty's Household Guard. I'm writing to you about a personal matter, one I don't care to bring before my superiors, it would sound so trivial. But I think someone's stalking me. I'm used to tourists, it's part of the job. But this is different. Someone's watching me.
[pause]
Bainbridge: He's taking pictures of me every day. I don't want to mention it to the Major, but it's really preying on my mind.

- There isn't a man or woman in england capable of stopping that disgusting creature.
- Ma'am?
- Turn the car around.
- We're going back into town. Turn round.
- Where are we going, ma'am?
- Baker Street.

Mary: Oh Sherlock,
[smiling at his jealousy]
Mary: neither of us were the first you know.
Sherlock: Stop smiling.
Mary: [Smiling bigger] It's my wedding day.

- Did you bring your gun as I suggested?
- Why would I bring my gun to your parents' house for Christmas dinner?
- Is it in your coat?
- Yes.
- Off we go, then.
- Where are we going?
- Appledore.

Dr. John Watson: Am I a woman?
Sherlock: Yes.
Dr. John Watson: Am I pretty?
Sherlock: Beauty is a construct based on childhood impressions, influences, and role models.
Dr. John Watson: But am I pretty?
Sherlock: I don't know. I don't know who you're supposed to be.
Dr. John Watson: You picked the name!
Sherlock: I picked it at random from the papers.
Dr. John Watson: You're not really getting the hang of this game, are you?

Mary: You don't tell him.
- You don't telljohn.
- You're Mary Watson.
- Who are you?
[Whispers] Mary Watson.

- He's pulled through.
- Really?
- Yeah, you...
- Seriously?
- Mrs Watson. You're in big trouble.
- Really, why?
- His first word when he woke up?
- Mary.