50 Best Team America: World Police Quotes

News: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo

Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn't wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and... I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

Kim: It will be 911 times 2356.
Chris: My God, that's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim: Nobody does!

Kim: Why is evawyrone so fuckin' stoopid?

Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this.
[hands Gary a hammer]

Chris: Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?
Gary: What's your problem with me?
Chris: Yeah, you wanna go?
Joe: Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

Tim: Let me explain to you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their... in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y... and they make money.

Helen: Let's go, bitch. I've done action films!

Sean: Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.
[Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]
Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.

Kim: Herro!

song: ["End of an Act"] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark, When he made Pearl Harbor. / I miss you more than that movie missed the point, And that's an awful lot, girl. / And now, now you've gone away, And all I'm trying to say, is: Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school, He was terrible in that film. / I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part, He's way better than Ben Affleck. / And now, all I can think about is your smile, and that shitty movie, too! Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you. / Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? / I guess Pearl Harbor sucked, just a little bit more than I miss you.

Kim: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
Lisa: I'm sorry, it's what?
Kim: Inevit, inevitabre.
Lisa: One more time.
Kim: [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!

Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.

Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I'll never die.

Lisa: [to Gary] You had me at "dicks fuck assholes".

Chris: Bad news Tim Robbins... I'm a smoker!
[he throws his cigarette and it causes an explosion killing Tim Robbins]

song: [Song] America, fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah! / America, fuck yeah! Freedom is the only way, yeah! / Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you have to answer to / America, fuck yeah! So lick my butt and suck on my balls! / America, fuck yeah! What you gonna do when we come for you now!

Gary: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
Gary: No.
Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.

song: The hour's approaching to give it your best / And you've got to reach your prime / That's when you need to put yourself to the test / And show us the passage of time / We're gonna need a montage / Ooh, it takes a montage / Show a lot of things happening at once / Remind everyone of what's going on / In every shot, show a little improvement / To show it all would take too long / That's called a montage / Girl, we want a montage / In anything, if you want to go / From just a beginner to a pro / You need a montage / Even Rocky had a montage / Always fade out in a montage / If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage...

Chris: If you betray us, I'll rip your fuckin' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls!

Janeane: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

Kim: I was sent from pranet Xiron to conquer the Earf / I had a twiffic pran - I thought it would work / I tried to get the Earfrings all to kill each other, y'see / But it all went wrong and now I must decree / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You have faiwred in every way / and now my stock in you has fawren / Your career is stawrin' / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / That's why I brew your head off / And your chirdren are all bawrin' / Pranet Xiron is inhabited with Xipods rike me / But arso with Balmacs who are giant bees / The Xipods and the Balmacs are at constant war / So we wanted a new home and that's what Earf was for / But you are worthress Arec Barrwin / You are worthress Arec Barrwin / You fucked up my whole plan / and now Xiron is smeared with Balmac porren / Your garbage needs some hawring / and you're worthress Arec Barrwin / Now I must return home a faiwrure / I'm afraid the pit of Cryrock is cawrin'.

[Deleted Scene]
Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.

Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!

Gary: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes.
Gary: And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

Guy: See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!

Gary: Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
Gary: [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
Tim: [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
Chris: Gary!
[Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
Tim: [shouts] Actors Ho!
Helen: Helen Hunt!
Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
Matt: Matt Damon!
[a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson: Motherfucker!
[Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
Spottswoode: Gary, Chris, come in!
[no response]

Lisa: I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. is down! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.!

[repeated line]
Lisa: Sometimes... believing is all we have.

Gary: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

Spottswoode: Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris: Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
Gary: My acting? My ACTING?
Gary: [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
Spottswoode: Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
Gary: I'm through with this!
Spottswoode: Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
Intelligence: [pause] Yes, there is.

Joe: Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

Gary: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
Gary: Yeah I bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
[Gary gets in the limo]

Kim: Hans Brix? Oh no! Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, but your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
Kim: Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't have any weapons of mass destwuction, OK Hans?
Hans: Then let me look around, so I can ease the UN's collective mind.
Kim: Hans, you're breakin' my barrs here, Hans, you're breakin' my barrs!
Hans: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you. Let me in, or else.
Kim: Or else what?
Hans: Or else we will be very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim: OK, Hans. I'll show you. Stand to your reft.
Hans: [Moves to his left]
Kim: A rittle more.
Hans: [Moves to his left again]
Kim: Good.
[Opens up trap, Hans falls in]

Chris: [Gary and Chris had entered and saw an actress tied up] Susan Sarandon.
Susan: Oh, thank God. We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong II is mad. Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is.
Chris: All right.
Gary: [interrupting] No, Chris, stay away from her.
Chris: Fuck you! She wants to help us.
Gary: [calmly] No, Chris! She's acting.
Susan: I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans.
Susan: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Gary: You shall die a peasant's death!
[she starts to get up and using her guns to kill them but Gary shot her and fall to death]

Lisa: Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

Terrorist: What do you know?
Gary: I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.
Terrorist: Get out of here! We have put out a jihad on the infidels because they destroyed our lives. What do you know about pain and sadness?
[Gary pauses, recalls sounds of gorillas roaring]
Gary: I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.
Terrorist: I like you. You have balls. I like balls.

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

[last lines]
Lisa: Wait a minute! Look!
[a cockroach crawls out of Kim Jong-Il's mouth and towards a spaceship]
Kim: You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!
[enters spaceship and launches out of the palace]
Kim: So rong, Earthrings!
Gary: We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!
Chris: All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary: Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
Lisa: Fuck, yeah.
Gary: Fuck, yeah.

Kim: You are worthress, Arec Barrwin!

song: What would you do/if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom/what would you do/if asked to make the ultimate sacrifice/would you think about all them people/who gave up everything they had/would you think about all them war vets/and would you start to feel bad/freedom isn't free/it costs folks like you and me/and if we don't all chip in, we'll never pay that bill/freedom isn't free/no, there's a hefty fucken fee/and if you don't all chip in your buck o'five who will/mmm buck o'five/freedom costs a buck o'five

Gary: You can't be serious.
Spottswoode: Oh, I am serious. Look, this is my serious face.

Joe: One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[looks through binoculars]
Gary: [waving the distress signal towards Joe and Chris] It's me! It's me!
Joe: Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
Chris: Smart-ass motherfucker!
[fires missile at terrorist jeep]

Joe: Your plan will fail! You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for 9 hours!
Kim: Oh no? I've got Arec Barrwin!
Joe: Dear God!

Gary: Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Haka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.
Terrorist: Ahhh! Derka derka derka!
[Allows Gary into terrorist hideout]

[Chris is fighting Samuel L. Jackson]
Samuel L. Jackson: Stop tryin' to hit me and hit me!

song: Liberty!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Wax Lips!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: The Alamo!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Band-aids!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Liberty!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Las Vegas!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Christmas!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Immigrants!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Popeyes!
Americans: Fuck Yeah!
song: Popeyes!
Americans: Fuck yeah!
song: Sportsmanship!
Americans: ...
song: Books!
Americans: Huh?

[repeated line]
Matt: Matt Damon.

Chris: Have you ever thought about just telling Sarah how you feel?
Joe: Oh, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothin' about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, I would love to show her a moonlit night out by the hay stacks.