Top 30 Quotes From Shallow Hal

[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?

Mauricio: She's got CANKLES!

Artie: It never occurred to you that picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way to go about it?
Hal: What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?
Jen: High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.
Hal: What's that supposed to mean?
Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.
Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

Mauricio: That's why they call it a quip, not a slooooooow.

Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

Hal: See, the problem is I'm kinda picky
Tony: What do you mean, picky?
Hal: Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout?
Tony: You're looking for a young Paulina type?
Hal: Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.

[Walt puts on a pair of rubber gloves]
Nurse: What are those for?
Walt: You ever walked through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?

Tony: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song "Who Let The Dogs Out"?

Mauricio: [when Hal tries to point out Rosemary] Is she... behind the rhino?

[after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio]
Hal: Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Hal: There's Rosemary.
Mauricio: Where?
Hal: Right there!
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

Mauricio: You Had Me At "Get Lost".

Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.
Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.

Rosemary: I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me; I thought he was going to shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Hal: What are you talking about? All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.
Mauricio: Really?
Hal: Yeah. Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.
Mauricio: Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.
Hal: You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?
Mauricio: You're right. I'm probably more immature than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.
Hal: [about 8 seconds later] Yeah... bigger than a mouse's.
Mauricio: What the hell was that?
Hal: I said your willie's...
Mauricio: I heard what you said, but it took you, like, 8 seconds. You can't come back with a comeback after 8 seconds. You got 3 seconds... 5, tops. That's why they call it a "quip." Not a "slooowp."

Hal: And Vicki?
Mauricio: Who?
Hal: Vicki!
Mauricio: Who's Vicki?
Hal: Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.
Mauricio: Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic!

Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H.!

Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.
Reverend: Ok, sure. Send her in.

[Mauricio has just seen Hal dancing with some unattractive women]
Mauricio: What in the name of all that is holy?

Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.
Rosemary: I never read that book.
Hal: What book?
Rosemary: Things losers say.

Walt: Don't you read the business section?
Hal: Why, what's up?
Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft!
Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?
Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

Mauricio: Uh Hal, it's 10:00, we gotta go.
Hal: [laughing] What are you talking about?
Mauricio: We gotta go do that thing, you know at the place.
Hal: What thing?
Mauricio: Sorry ladies, I gotta steal your dance partner here.
[Mauricio grabs Hal away from the three unattractive women on the dance floor]
Hal: What are you doing?
Mauricio: I am rescuing you.
Hal: From what?
Mauricio: From what? From a pack of stampeding buffalo, that's what!

Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.

Mauricio: Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.

Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?
Mauricio: Third Party Perspective!

Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.

Tony: Hal, don't you think you're being a bit shallow here in the way you look at women?
Hal: Well, no! You know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
Tony: Ok Hal, hypothetical situation; Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?
Hal: Hmmm, toughie. What about the remaining breast? Is it big?

[after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair]
Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?
Restaurant: Uhh... Steel.