150 Best The Bill Quotes

[Dashwood is typing up a report for Roach]
Det. Sgt. Roach: That's not how you spell 'accommodation', is it?
[Roach tries to write it himself]
Det. Sgt. Roach: That doesn't look right does it? Come on, you went to bloody grammar school. Let's see you spell it without a dictionary.
[Dashwood writes the word 'lodgings' on a notepad]
Det. Sgt. Roach: [Roach picks up the notepad and looks at it] Lodgings. I suppose you think that's funny.

Insp. Gina Gold: Oh, and by the way, Gary, I've had to deal with enough nobs today; I'm sure it's very impressive, but keep it in your trousers...

Robert: I had to.
Mrs. Butler: This is serious Robert, they are going to put you away.
Robert: He would have recognised me. I had to do it. He was giving me bad deals.
Mrs. Butler: I hate you, I hate you.

DS: Listen, the only thing Manson cares about is promotion. Just the thought of a top three finish in the MET's lead tables gives him a hot flush!

Det. Insp. Galloway: What's your problem Ackland?
W.P.C. Ackland: Sir, Carver and Edwards have been on the radio, apparently they chased a man over the roof and the man tried to run them over in a car.
Det. Insp. Galloway: Did he get away?
W.P.C. Ackland: Yeah.
Det. Insp. Galloway: Bloody hell, have you circulated the number?
W.P.C. Ackland: No.
Det. Insp. Galloway: Well circulate it then.
W.P.C. Ackland: But sir, the car's got diplomatic plates.

Insp. Gina Gold: Rules are rules, and if I thought for one minute you were bending them for anyone--including me--I'd kick you from hell to breakfast!

[to DS Samantha Nixon]
DS: Sergeants stick together; maybe you should join the club.

Sgt. Alec Peters: Best thing to do is to close your office door.
Chief: Yeah, and tell the world to Foxtrot Oscar.

Sgt. Matt Boyden: When The Met employed Reg Hollis, they deprived a village of its idiot.

DS: Did you know the detection rate audit was this week?
DS: Yeah, the DCI sent around an email last Monday
DS: So why didn't I get it?
DS: Didn't get it? Or didn't read it...? Three off your target? Even DC Sim's solved more crimes than you! As if she isn't smug enough already!

P.C. Hollis: [referring to Bob Cryer] He's a nosy git, innit he?
W.P.C. Ackland: A good sergeant knows what's going on in his nick.

[to PC Klein]
Cass: You look like Dracula with the flu.

D.C. Dashwood: You know what they say: 'when you get above the rank of sergeant, never let police work get in the way of your career'

CSE: Got something for you. Sticky bun... and a chocolate éclair.
DC: Eddie, you're an absolute star! I haven't eaten all day.
CSE: Really? Me neither.
DC: Mmm, thank you! Mm mm, thanks!
CSE: There's a little Turkish place round the corner... Fancy a bite? My shout.
DC: I've gotta get through this work, Eddie.
CSE: Oh, yeah. Another time maybe?
DC: Sure, whenever.
CSE: Saturday night?
DC: Eddie, are you asking me out on a date?
CSE: Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, I felt something between us, didn't--It's not that funny is it?
DC: Yes, it is.
CSE: Why? I mean, we're mates, ain't we?
DC: Yeah, Eddie... we're mates, yeah. C'mon, I'm gonna buy you a drink and explain...

Sgt. Maitland: [Gary is chasing John Stack]
[On radio]
Sgt. Maitland: Sierra Oscar from 63, Gary's almost on suspect, I'm still with him.
Sgt. Wilson: [Gary chases John past Sgt. Wilson's car who is on observation who sees him and gets on his radio] Burnside from Wilson...
[cuts to to Sgt Maitland as Sgt. Wilson continues on his radio]
Sgt. Wilson: ... we have a small problem.
D.I. Burnside: [D.I. Burnside and D.C. Carver see Sgt. Maitland pass their car] I don't believe this.

Tombo: Will I be arrested?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Of course.
Tombo: Well, what then?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Well, my old son, haven't you heard of the story about the one that gets away?
[Pats Tombo on the back and leaves]

DCI: Are you sure I shouldn't have picked you up somewhere else?
PC: No, it's all right, if anyone asks, I'll just say you're my dad...

PC: [Pushing Bob Cryer out of his house in his wheelchair] And anyway, I've already shot you once. You don't think a kidnap's gonna bother me, do you?

D.I. Burnside: He made a sudden movement, which led me to believe he was about to assault me. I struck out in self-defence. Write that down, Alistair - they believe your notes.

[Rosie meets Liz Rawton for a cup of coffee and Liz asks her why she's still seeing Pallister]
Sgt. Fox: Sex! Everything else about him I could do without.

[last lines]
D.I. Burnside: [John Carrick has closed his front door on Burnside, Woods and Croft] Got any helpful suggestions?
W.P.C. Croft: Dunno Guv. It's an arrestable offence. Break the door down?
[Burnside kicks the door in]

Det. Insp. Galloway: Has anybody seen Ted or Mike?
W.P.C. Ackland: Yes, they're looking for a blue car parked at the railway station!
[Galloway nods his head]

DI: Annoyed? First Class passengers on the Titanic were annoyed. What I'm feeling now goes beyond that.

DI: If you don't keep your eye on the ball, old son, Jesus will not be your friend - he'll be your next door neighbour!

Sgt. Matt Boyden: Let's keep the off-air chit-chat off-air, shall we?

Sgt. Cryer: You know, Roy, sometimes, just sometimes, you're almost human.
Det. Insp. Galloway: Oh, get stuffed!

TDC: Loving someone isn't holding them hostage.

Sgt. Bob Cryer: Never Volunteer; it's an old army saying.
DI: I'll have to remember that next time I'm in an old army.

PC: [on the way to a roadblock to catch a thief who hit Boulton and escaped arrest] He's a dangerous man, Pol. So when we're checkin' these cars, I want you to stay nice and close to me!
PC: [Gary and George laugh] I thought that's what you meant!
PC: You may laugh, but he's knocked the crap out of CID's finest!
PC: Yeah, well, that's not very hard!
PC: From the description, he sounds like a dwarf!
PC: Well, he's a vicious dwarf! He kneed DS Boulton in the orchestra stalls!

[last lines]
W.P.C. Ackland: It's not such a bad job after all.

[about PC Honey Harman]
Sgt. Matt Boyden: She's a bit of a bungalow... you know, nothing upstairs.

P.C. Ramsey: You know, Burnside's a shrewd fella, coming up with an angle like that to get himself out of trouble.
D.S. Roach: I wouldn't make a folk hero out of him if I was you, Ramsey.
P.C. Ramsey: All the same, he's still a man after my own heart.
D.S. Greig: Remember Goebbels? He was a hero-worshipper.

Sgt. June Ackland: Ma'am?
Insp. Gina Gold: Mmm?
Sgt. June Ackland: I wonder if we could start again?
Insp. Gina Gold: Why?
Sgt. June Ackland: Because, I feel we've got off on the wrong foot.
Insp. Gina Gold: Oh, no we haven't. We've got off at exactly the right foot.
Sgt. June Ackland: Well it doesn't feel like that to me...
Insp. Gina Gold: No, it wouldn't. You June, have been perfectly civil, pleasantness itself, and I have been an awkward, cantankerous cow.
Sgt. June Ackland: Well, I wouldn't say that.
Insp. Gina Gold: I know you wouldn't. You're far too nice, whereas me, I'm not nice. Not nice at all. And the sooner everyone around here knows that, the better. Save a whole lot of messing about.
Sgt. June Ackland: Well you can't be all bad...?
Insp. Gina Gold: I'm glad you think that! Be a whole lot of fun proving you wrong...

Maggie: [drinking her tea from a paper cup] Why can't I have a cup and saucer, like everybody else? I remember the time when you could get a decent cup of tea in this nick.
Sgt. Cryer: Safety regulations, Maggie.

CSE: DC Jo Masters... You're wondering how I did that, aren't ya?
DC: Not really, no.
CSE: It's your perfume. 'Sensual for Women,' innit? Suits you... Kinda like me...
DC: I hear you have a match on a partial print for me, Eddie?
CSE: Yeah, it was easy, you know what the stoners are like: sloppy, always takin' their gloves off. I think it's the loss of motor function.
DC: Let me guess... Tray Simpson, 43 Rudkin Road?
CSE: Yeah.
DC: Ahh... Wondering how I did that, aren't ya?

DC: Anything else?
DI: Yeah, a garage full of bricks.
DC: What kind of bricks?
DI: The kind the third little pig used to build his house out of. Brick, bricks.

P.C. Carver: [Carver is doing a crossword puzzle] What's a big bird, 5 and 3 ending in T?
W.P.C. Ackland: Er... tit.
P.C. Carver: Eh?
W.P.C. Ackland: Grey tit. Well don't you normally associate that with birds?

W.P.C. Ackland: [to Galloway] I've always been told, if you can cop a plea of guilty in court, cop a plea of guilty!

Ch. Insp. Wallace: You don't appear to appreciate my taking the trouble.
Ch. Insp. Cato: I can appreciate your reasons for coming here, I'm just surprised that someone of your seniority - if not experience - didn't handle the whole thing better.

D.I. Brinkworth: You really fancy yourself, don't ya?
D.I. Burnside: Is this the five minute argument or the full half-hour?
D.I. Brinkworth: I wouldn't waste two minutes on you, Burnside.

[Rosie's boss and boyfriend, DCI Richard Pallister, accuses her of having feelings for Eddie Santini]
D.S. Rosie Fox: Oh, I do enjoy a thorough, well-considered argument!

DI: Good night.
PC: Oh, Ma'am!
DI: Eurgh, so close! Yes?
PC: You're needed down the Grape and Bottle.
DI: You mean the Seven Bells.
PC: No.
DI: Is this... Is this some sort of, weird way of asking me out?
PC: No, it's, erm... there's been a serious assault.
DI: Well, I'm sorry, Nate, I knocked off about an hour ago.
PC: Yeah, sorry. It's just, they specifically asked for a, senior, CID officer.
DI: Right. OK, tell them I'm on my way. And err, by the way, there are people up there much older than me.

DI: I can't believe this! I cannot believe this! I knew this was going to be a bad day, I knew it! The moment that Jo Masters walked in the building, I knew something was gonna kick off!
DCI: Neil, will you do me a favour?
DI: What?
DCI: Just put a sock in it will ya? It's bad enough being here without you whining on!
DCI: [Some Time Later] Are you still sulking or have you passed out?
DI: My backs itchy.
DCI: So what do you want me to do about it?
DI: Come on Guv, I'd scratch yours.
DCI: Make a change from stabbing it.
DCI: [Some More Time Later] You took your time.
DI: Four hours. Four hours we've been stuck in here.
DC: Glad to see you've not lost your charm.
DI: You just concentrate on doing your job DC Masters, instead of always trying to antagonise your senior officers.
DCI: Just how long does it take to search one hospital floor?
DC: I should've known you'd both try and blame someone else for the mess you got yourselves into...
DI: What's that supposed to mean?
DC: Can you manage Honey?
PC: Yeah...
DC: I've got better things to do with me time.
PC: She's been great. Hero of the hour!

D.I. Burnside: You're not only gonna take a man away from me for six months, you lose me an entire day's work out of this office, on top of which, I'm liable to have a sectarian conflict on my hands.
D. Supt. Martins: Well you could have saved it all by recommending me someone.
D.I. Burnside: Oh yeah? Well what about the ones I don't recommend, how are they gonna react? And all this to get a nice, balanced team together? Well that's what I had here before you walked in.
D. Supt. Martins: Could I have a look at the arrest rates, please, Frank?
D.I. Burnside: No you bloody couldn't.
D. Supt. Martins: Was that "No you bloody couldn't", or "No you bloody couldn't, Sir?"

DS: [talking about a married suspect who's got his 24-year-old girlfriend pregnant and doesn't know what to do] Can't help feeling sorry for Ted.
DC: What? C'mon! He's trading in his clapped-out old Escort for a brand new GTI. Unfortunately it's got a baby seat built in as well!
DS: You're a right bleeding heart, Rod!

P.C. Stamp: Hi Dave, Mastermind's been looking for you.
P.C. Quinnan: Hey?
P.C. Stamp: Turnham.

Det. Insp. Galloway: [Galloway has run into the back of a taxi cab and gets into a fierce argument with the cabby not long before all the other cabbies get involved] You're worse than the mafia, you lot!

[last lines]
DCI: You're putting your trust in a cop killer

PC: What was the cash for?
Harry: Sadie. She's a... well, you know... the lady of the night. Only for me it has to be the day - I nod off after 7 o'clock.

Chief Supt. Charles Brownlow: Did the prisoner hurt himself?
Sgt. Matt Boyden: Unfortunately not, sir.

Sgt. Burnside: Hello, Bob. How are ya?
Sgt. Cryer: Tommy Burnside.
Sgt. Burnside: Long time, no see.
Sgt. Cryer: So, why spoil it?
Sgt. Burnside: Go and take a jump, Sergeant.

PC: [about Inspector Gold] I heard she murdered a bloke once.
PC: Oh yeah? What with?
PC: Bare hands probably...

DCI: So, d'ya fancy a drink?
DI: Yeah!
DCI: Shall we ask the Super?
DI: Nah...

PC: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

PC: Where you going?
DC: I'm gonna go and see Aaron's social worker again, I think there's something we might've missed here...
PC: What about Hunter?
DC: I'm following my instincts on this one!
PC: He could go ballistic...
DC: I don't care if he spontaneously combusts!

Det. Sgt. Roach: [Standing at the urinal] I wish people wouldn't bung fag-ends in here.
Sgt. Cryer: I know, it makes 'em so difficult to light.
Det. Sgt. Roach: Ha bloody ha.

DC: And have we found anything interesting?
CSE: No, but I smell something interesting. Apricot Danish?
DC: It's peach, and it's mine.
CSE: Oh, come on, I've been here since 6am. Give us a bite and I'll tell you about a partial print I found?

Sgt. Cryer: [Sgt. Cryer and DI Galloway are in the pub, having a drink]
[last lines]
Sgt. Cryer: [to Galloway, jokingly] Why don't you stuff your job, right up your arse?
[Galloway and Cryer both chuckle in amusement]

Sgt: [pulls a quantity of drugs from a pushchair] "Makes a change from a cuddly toy".

P.C. Litten: How do you spell that then, guv?
Lord: Spell what?
P.C. Litten: Objet, whatchamacallit?
Lord: Objet d'art.

D.I. Burnside: Always got someone to do the dirty for you, didn't you Alan?
Ch. Supt. Pearson: They'll get you one day, Frank. It's only a question of time, but they'll have you.
D.I. Burnside: They'll have to be a damn sight cleverer than you, pal.

W.P.C. Ackland: [to Hollis] You don't know where Viv is, do you?
P.C. Hollis: No, no, I don't.
W.P.C. Ackland: Ah, now you see that's the problem. You're missing out on all the juicy bits of gossip.
P.C. Hollis: What juicy bits of gossip?
[Ackland walks out of the canteen]
P.C. Hollis: Oh, June, hold on!

[last lines]
PC: You see, justice has finally caught up with you. This time, you're not walking away.

Sgt. Cryer: [after seeing Sgt. Peters eating a sandwich in the CAD room] Oi, no sandwiches in here!
Sgt. Peters: It's cheese and chutney!
Sgt. Cryer: Oh, well, that's alright then.

DC: Can I let you into a secret? When I said before that I was sorry I hit you. I didn't mean it. You deserved that slap.
DS: That's okay. I didn't mean it either. I've been dying to wipe that smug little look off your face.
DC: Make me a promise. Promise me, that you'll never change. That you'll stay that, mixed up, self centered mess that you are.
DS: Just aslong as you don't ever lose that stuck up, 'i know better than anyone else' view of the world.
DC: It's a deal.
DS: Good.
DC: Great.
DS: Nice.
DC: Fine... This is the bit where we hug...
DS: Right.
[Hug]
DC: Won't miss ya!
DS: Me neither!

DC: What's this? DC Dasari by day, Spider Woman by night?

DS: [a lawyer standing in his underpants in a football changing room] Oh, great. The brief in briefs.

DC: Nixon's been looking for you.
DS: Oh, yeah? What'd ya say?
DC: I said I didn't know where you were.
DS: Nice one! Yeah, even Ken would've done better than that!
Acting: DS Hunter! My office now!... I said now!... Where have you been? And don't try telling me it's to do with the Brewer case.
DS: No, I slipped out.
Acting: You slipped out? For over two hours? What's going on?
DS: It's personal.
Acting: Oh, is it? When I assign you to an investigation, I expect you to just get on with it, not go swanning around to goodness knows where!
DS: It was important.
Acting: This job is important. Now I'm under pressure to get results here!
DS: Yeah, well, so am I... Look, I apologise for not consulting you first, all right? Can I go back and do some work?
Acting: Well, if it's not too much trouble!

D.I. Burnside: [Empties a bag of weapons onto the table] What were you gonna do? Start your own war?
Terry: I'm not saying nothing. He fished that out of the canal. You can't stick this on me. I've never seen that bag before in my life. Right?
D.I. Burnside: All this stuff will be sent down to forensic to be dusted for fingerprints. And I'm sure we'll come up with a matching pair. Then, we'll get a warrant to search your address. And it will be searched, with a fine toothed comb. And should we find anything that could connect you with the attempted murder of two of my constables, the full weight of the law will descend upon you, and all that will be left is a greasy, little stain. Got anything to say now?

[last lines]
Det. Sgt. Roach: If the Chief Super says you've gotta go some place, well, pfft... you've gotta go, haven't you?

[Cryer walks furiously out of Galloway's office after an argument and drops pieces of paper on the floor without picking them up]
Det. Sgt. Roach: Hey! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?
[Once more Cryer ignores Roach]
Det. Sgt. Roach: Well say bloody sorry or something, ya berk!
[Roach picks up the pieces of the paper off the floor just as Galloway comes out of his office]
Det. Sgt. Roach: What the hell was all that about, guv?
Det. Insp. Galloway: [Galloway licks his finger and pretends to draw a number 1] Superstars: 1, Woodentops: Nil.
[Galloway, Roach and Dashwood chuckle in amusement]

[about Inspector Gina Gold]
PC: How's the dragon this morning? Is she breathing fire or smoking it?

Sgt. Penny: Turnham said he fell in the water, probably his gigantic brain over balanced him.

DS: Two months ago, you rang up my ex and told him that I was dead. You stole files, important documentation from me. Yesterday you had me arrested 'cause you told the police that I was harassing you. And today you nearly murdered my colleague. Now, which part of this are you apologising for?

Insp. Gina Gold: What is it with these kids? Why do they have to give themselves such ridiculous names?
PC: It's a youth-culture thing.
Insp. Gina Gold: It was a rhetorical question, thank you, PC Armstrong! I may be the wrong side of 50, but I am still alive!

Sgt. Cryer: [At Lord Barstow-Smythe's residence] What took you so long?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Litten. He's a lousy driver.

PC: He's so far in the closet, he might as well be in Narnia!

PC: You got a minute?
DC: Errr... no, as it happens, I don't... Wanna know why? I've just come from court... three months I spent preparing for that court appearance... an entire rainforest has died to provide the amount of paperwork I've submitted... the electricity bill for the unpaid overtime I've clocked, has irrevocably changed the earth's climate... and ya know what? The judge throws it out on the first day of trial, on a technicality. So no, I don't have a minute... I wanna sit at ma desk... I wanna eat a cream-filled chocolate eclair... and I wanna surf the net for holidays in the Seychelles...

Insp. Gina Gold: [to Smithy, after being presented with a large bouquet of flowers] Put those in water. Preferably the Thames.

Sgt. Cryer: [surprised to see Burnside] Detective Sergeant Burnside? What are you doing here?
Det. Insp. Galloway: [angry] Don't talk to him, Bob!
[to Burnside]
Det. Insp. Galloway: Come here!

Factory: Gonna get our wages back for us, are you, Guv?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Gonna try, love.
Factory: You can question me any time you like!
Det. Insp. Galloway: You never know your luck...
Factory: Oi! Don't leave me out - I've got an itchy fanny!
[both factory girls laugh]

Insp. Gina Gold: Rationing finished in 1953, in case it passed you by - could I have another sausage, please?

P.C. Carver: [to Litten, after seeing Galloway] What's up with him?
P.C. Litten: Indigestion. Always the same after he's had a big meal.

Hayley: I've changed my mind, I'm not keeping it. What do I want a baby for, I've got to go inside haven't I?
P.C. Dale Smith: So? You'll get out,
Hayley: She's better off without me...
P.C. Dale Smith: Hang on, let's have a look at this... The granddad is a child abuser, the father's a pimp and the mother... well you're not much more than a lying tom.
Hayley: And it's only the lying tom that's going down, isn't it?
P.C. Dale Smith: So what's going to happen to the baby?
Hayley: Exactly. Best give her up then, yeah?
P.C. Dale Smith: Listen, you have children, you owe 'em.
Hayley: It's easy for you to say that...
P.C. Dale Smith: Right... You're going down the hospital now - even if I have to drag you!

D.I. Burnside: Did you know, gentlemen, that there is a crime commited every seven seconds in this great metropolis of ours?
D.C. Lines: Alright, Guv?
D.I. Burnside: Bunch of louts kicking a bag of wind around and everything grinds to a halt, does it?
D.C. Lines: There's public relations for you.
D.I. Burnside: Public relations will improve when our results improve. You two are supposed to be detectives. So get off your backsides and start detecting.

Det. Insp. Galloway: Where is it?
Det. Sgt. Burnside: What?
Det. Insp. Galloway: The bottle.
Det. Sgt. Burnside: What bottle? I don't have to bring a bottle!
Det. Insp. Galloway: You don't get in, then.
Det. Sgt. Burnside: Who says so?
Det. Insp. Galloway: I say so.

PC: Everything all right up there?
PC: We got a dead body!
PC: I'll take that as a no then...

[Sgt. Cryer enters the charge room to find it jam-packed with the suspects from the drugs raid, along with a stressed Sgt. Penny, who is taking their names down]
Sgt. Penny: [raises his voice to all the suspects in the charge room] One at a time, what do think I am, a bloody robot? LET'S HAVE SOME QUIET, PLEASE!
Sgt. Cryer: [to Penny] 'Ere, is that perspiration on your forehead?
Sgt. Penny: How would you know?
Sgt. Cryer: Listen, I've got someone to make an old man very happy.
[Sure enough, Maggie, along with Miss Newnham, enters the charge room]
Sgt. Penny: Oh, no!
Maggie: [to Penny] Well, if you're gonna be like that, I'll come back later. I don't mind.
Sgt. Penny: [to Miss Newnham] Salmon?
Miss: Yes, 3 tins.
Sgt. Penny: All a mistake, I suppose.
Maggie: [to Penny] Well, I wouldn't do it on purpose, would I?
Sgt. Penny: [sighs] What on earth are we going to do with you, Maggie?
Maggie: Well, you can start off, by making me a nice cup of tea.

D.I. Burnside: Viv'll manage, no trouble.
D.I. Burnside: What, has she finished that typing then?
D.C. Lines: Dunno. Look, I'd have brought her in myself but I got all these chores.
D.I. Burnside: What chores?
D.C. Lines: That's very kind of you, I'll have a pint, please.

Det. Insp. Galloway: Anyone know what 'MO' is?
[turns to Edwards]
Det. Insp. Galloway: Edwards?
P.C. Edwards: Er, medical orderly, sir.
[All the other officers snigger]
Det. Insp. Galloway: Modus Operandi. Latin.
P.C. Edwards: Oh.

P.C. Litten: [takes a packet of cigarettes from a cigarette vending machine, and looks at it] Blimey. If my mum sees that, she'll kill me.

DS: [Putting on aftershave]
DC: That reminds me, I must get my drains sorted...

[Litten, Cryer and Martella are in the floor of the foyer in Decker's Club, frisking suspects for drugs]
P.C. Litten: 'Ere, you don't want to swap places with this one, do ya, Viv?
W.P.C. Martella: Not if it's a rubber glove job, I don't.
Sgt. Cryer: Now, cut out the romance, you two.

Det. Insp. Galloway: [to Bloomfield] Somebody's grassed you up, my old son.
W.P.C. Ackland: [to Bloomfield] Done you up like a kipper.
P.C. Carver: Can't trust anybody.
[Galloway and Ackland stare at Carver]
P.C. Carver: Well, you can't, can ya?

P.C. Edwards: [on the phone] Message reads "The Ides of March are upon you". Yes, you know what it means.

PC: Honey, what type of a name is that?
PC: Who cares what her name is? I'd give her a pint of Best!

W.P.C. Ackland: Mrs Ferne, I'd hate to have to ask you this, but... has your husband ever been violent towards your son?
Joyce: [emotionally] Yes! Yes, he has!
[starts crying]

P.C. Hollis: I accept what you say sir, all I can do is apologise and ask you to put this one down to excessive zeal.
Ch. Insp. Conway: I wish I could put you down Hollis.

[to DS Hunter]
Insp. Gina Gold: Now if you ever dare question my integrity again, I'll have your nuts in a jar.

DS: Why are attics always full of rubbish?
DS: Mine's quite tidy actually.
DS: Well, you're a freak.
DS: That's very kind of you

Det. Sgt. Roach: [after being informed by Galloway about the equipment needed for the drugs raid] What are we going to hit, guv'nor? Fort Knox?

Det. Insp. Galloway: Got some good news for you, Johnny Boy.
Johnny: Yeah?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Gotta take you back to court, get that handling charge quashed.
Johnny: Don't get ya.
Det. Insp. Galloway: That gear wasn't nicked.
Johnny: Still don't get ya
Det. Insp. Galloway: Counterfeit, my old son.
Johnny: It's what?
Det. Insp. Galloway: Rubbish.
Johnny: Oh, you've got to be joking, I payed a lot of money for that bit of gear.

PC: D'you think Reg is all right?
PC: He's not exactly Rambo, is he?
Insp. Gina Gold: Reg may not be a superhero, but I know who I'd like to be with me in a tight corner, and it wouldn't be you, Best, all right!

DC: Give me the SP on the ISP ASAP!

Det. Sgt. Burnside: [at the retirement party, to Litten, referring to Ackland, who is the bar maid] She's quite a tasty bird, innit she?
P.C. Litten: Yeah, well you can keep your drawers off her, skip, she's taken!
Det. Sgt. Burnside: Oh, really?
P.C. Litten: Yeah!

Sid: [referring to Alan Ferne] The man is not trustworthy. He's irresponsible, he's frequently unreliable, he's subjective to physical violence and is quite capable of doing the same to the boy!

W.P.C. Martella: How about these, Dashers? Turn you on, would they?
[holds up a pair of long frilly knickers]
Det. Con. Dashwood: Depends who's in 'em.
W.P.C. Martella: Ohh !
Sgt. Cryer: Last person I saw running around in a pair like that was Stanley Matthews.

DC: We've got ourselves a major break through on this one, boys. Looks like I've uncovered another member of the gang, though, nowhere near as good looking as the other two... That is you changing the proceeds of drugs money, flashing your warrant card, and consulting with the chief suspect, isn't it DC Best...?

Johnny: Why don't ya ring the nick, Galloway? Have them all round here?

Sgt. Cryer: I think it will be another woman.
Sgt. Penny: Probably a one-legged, black, lesbian single parent.

Acting: Problems, Phillip?
DS: You don't wanna know.
Acting: You're damn right I don't wanna know!

PC: Smithy thinks the lotus position is having sex in a flash car.

D.I. Burnside: You're rancid.
P.C. Hollis: Yeah I fell in some puke, didn't I !

P.C. Edwards: [Litten is typing up a report on Lord Barstow-Smythe's stolen necklace before Edwards enters the room] How's it going with the superstars then?
P.C. Litten: What do you want?
P.C. Edwards: There's a rather nice young lady at the front desk. Says she want's to see the man in charge. Now I told her that Clouseau had gone home I did, but his assistant I said, he's something else and your in luck, because he's working late.
P.C. Litten: [Litten sticks two fingers up at Edwards and Edwards chuckles. Stressed, Litten scrunches up the piece of paper and throws it] Ah, shit!
P.C. Edwards: Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. You'll soon be back on the beat, boy.
[Edwards picks up the scrunched up piece of paper that Litten threw and puts it in the bin before leaving the room]

Insp. Gina Gold: This is not a Marxist collective, you know. When I say do it - you go do it.

Supt. Adam Okaro: Jack; Neil. I believe you already know, DC Jo Masters.
DC: Jack; Neil. Good to see you both again.
DI: Yeah, you too Jo.
DCI: So, you're joining us then?
DC: Yeah I'm looking forward to it... I'm sure we'll make a great team.
Supt. Adam Okaro: Well that's all for now gentlemen, if you'll excuse us. Jo and I have a few more things to run through.
DI: Sir.
DCI: [Jack & Neil Leave Office] Jo Masters aye? So how do you know her?
DI: We worked on a joint operation together, how about you?
DCI: I've only met her a couple of times, at police doos. But I know her reputation. She's gonna make our lives hell isn't she?
DI: Absolutely.
Supt. Adam Okaro: [Back In Office] They're good officers... but... they're so busy bickering with each other at the moment that they've become distracted. Which is where you come in, do you think you're up to telling our DCI and DI a few home truths?
DC: Up to it? Oh I'm looking forward to it.
Supt. Adam Okaro: It's a strong CID team, but with them at each other's throats at the moment, well the holes are starting to appear. It's your job to show them where they're going wrong. I want you on their case Jo, morning, noon and night.
DC: Not a problem. When I start, they wont know what's hit them.

Acting: You've made my mind up for me. I want you to act as Family Liaison Officer to the Weavers.
DS: You what?
Acting: You heard.
DS: Guv, I'm hardly tea-and-sympathy material, am I?
DC: He's not wrong there, Guv.
DS: See? Can't you get Eva to do it?
Acting: Look. I know you've got all the listening skills and empathy of a breeze-block, Phil, but that's not what's needed here. Weaver's up to his neck in all sorts, and some of his associates will've lost a lot of money when Joel Brewer decided not to throw that fight, so if we wanna find that little girl, we need to know who Weaver's wound up. And how nasty they are. And as you're our expert in all things nasty... low... devious...
DS: Yeah, thanks very much.
Acting: You're welcome... Shift your arse.
DC: [laughs]
DC: Wipe that smile off your face, Constable!

D.I. Burnside: There are only two things a policeman can be certain of, Ted - death and divorce

D.C.I. Burnside: I'll tell you what - I've had my fill of trawling gay bars.
D.C.I. Meadows: Not enjoying your work then?
D.C.I. Burnside: I feel about as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

D.C.I. Burnside: [catching D.S Boulton when they are investigating] Unbelievable. When you want an old bill, there's never on there. And when you don't want one, they're banging the front door down.

W.P.C. Ackland: Well, this is an interesting tool. What's it for?
Robert: It's a screwdriver.
W.P.C. Ackland: What do you do, sit on it?

Sgt. Cryer: [to Maggie] You must have more tins of salmon at home than John West!

PC: Bradford? She's got about as much community spirit as Adolf Hitler.

DC: You got any perfume?
DC: Yeah, why?
DC: Might wanna give yourself a spray. Sammo's personal hygiene isn't all that.

DC: Clear off or I'll nick ya!
Suspect: What for?
DC: I'll think of somethin'!

Sgt. Burnside: I need a result off you, Lennie. And I need it badly. So you better come across. I wanna see some bodies in the frame.
Lennie: Anything, Mr Burnside, whatever you say. I'll put in overtime on it.
[Burnside gives Lennie a pack of cigarettes]
Lennie: Thanks, Mr Burnside.
Sgt. Burnside: You're a ponce, Lennie, a no-good, thieving ponce. I oughtta break your arm. You just remember, I don't like my people pulling strokes. Alright?

Det. Sgt. Roach: Listen, why don't I go out on obbo tonight, and see if they move the load?
Det. Insp. Galloway: I know what you're thinking, Ted, but you're going to that retirement party, whether you like it or not.
Det. Sgt. Roach: Henry Talbot is a 24-karat prat!
Det. Insp. Galloway: Look, what's that got to do with it?
Det. Sgt. Roach: The man is a prat, I don't even like him!
Det. Insp. Galloway: Well, he's not exactly my blood brother either, but the Chief Super has said everybody's got to be there and you will be there, Ted!

D.C. Dashwood: I hope you realise I'm missing a young conservatives wine and cheese party for this.

CSE: I mean, how naff is that? Big bank robber smoking Menthol! Ya know I heard it causes impot...
DC: How does that help us, Eddie?

Ch. Supt. Brownlow: Some lunatic fool has climbed on top of the west stand and he's inciting the crowd. Any idea how we can get him down?
Sgt. Cryer: Well we could use a sniper Sir.

W.P.C. Ackland: You've got to be joking. That pair, Bonnie and Clyde?
P.C. Carver: Well, the description fits.
W.P.C. Ackland: We've been had over, do you know that, bloody well had over. I'll murder that Bloomfield.

[Galloway, Ackland and Carver, leave the flats, just as a woman walks past them and turns to Bloomfield]
Johnny: Pity, you haven't got anything better to do, than come crashing up here like that!
Woman in Flats: You bleeding well tell them, Johnny Boy!
Johnny: [leans over the balcony and shouts out at Galloway, Ackland and Carver] BLOODY PIGS!

[DI Burnside is being subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from a woman while making an arrest]
DI: Stick her on.
WPC: What's the charge?
DI: Possession of an offensive mouth!

DS: Why does the blackmailer want the money dropped off here? I mean, how does he know no-one's gonna pick it up first? And why's this location a convenient place?
DC: Well, it's overlooked on all four sides, and he or she might be watching us as we speak.
DS: Yeah, probably in the same building as our OP; how's it going up there, Jo?
DC: You make a lovely couple.
DS: A lovely couple of what?
DC: No comment!

Det. Sgt. Roach: Brownlow was ready to have me hung, drawn and quartered, all because of that bloody retirement party!

D.I. Burnside: [to Greig] You listen to me, pal. I've got a lunatic running around out there with a gun. And my resources are stretched to the limit. I've had to put uniformed men into plain clothes, I've had to borrow detectives from other divisions, and do you know what I detest most of all? Having to go cap-in-hand to some toffee-nosed, arrogant Chief Superintendent who hates my guts, pleading for assistance.
D.S. Greig: With respect, that's not my problem.
D.I. Burnside: Oh yes it is. Now, I asked for an extra Sergeant, I didn't ask for a part-time copper. You will work your guts out while you're under my command, Mr Greig, so get in that office and start grafting, now, or you and I are gonna have a very stormy relationship, mark my words!

DI: [on Brownlow's secretary Marion] I'd like to do the Lambada with her.

[to Pallister, who thinks she's too involved in a case]
D.S. Rosie Fox: Just because I'm sleeping with you doesn't mean I can't do my job.

Sgt. Cryer: [Referring to Edwards and Carver, after catching them in the middle of a water fight in the men's lavatories] Bleedin' Woodentops!

[the car thief, Carver's first arrest, is in the charge room, about to have is name taken down by Sgt. Penny]
Sgt. Penny: Games aren't gonna do you no good, son. Now what's your name?
Lennie: [gives Sgt. Penny a false name] Mickey.
Sgt. Penny: Right, now we're being sensible. Michael...
Lennie: Mouse.
[Edwards, who is also in the charge room, discreetly sniggers]
Lennie: [cheerfully] Mickey Mouse.
Sgt. Penny: Alright, sunshine, you want to play silly-buggers...
Lennie: I want to see the CID. DI or DCI, nothing lower.
Sgt. Penny: You what? Fat chance, pal. You, if you haven't noticed, are in dead lumber!

Superintendent: We didn't have a choice.
Insp. Gina Gold: Well, you could have given them a chance to open the door.
Superintendent: Every second counted.
Insp. Gina Gold: Clearly, but don't you think in retrospect that your decision was a bit rash?
Superintendent: Did Okaro have to put up with your constant criticism?
Insp. Gina Gold: No, because to be honest there was a lot less to criticise.
Superintendent: Oh, please, don't stop there, you obviously have an opinion on the way I'm handling things, carry on. I'm very interested to hear what you have to say, Inspector.
Insp. Gina Gold: You could have asked for my opinion before you smashed into the people's house. I think it's a bit late asking now, Sir.

DI: [Jack and Neil have been handcuffed together] My back's itchin'!
DCI: So what do you want me to do about it?
DI: Come on Guv... I'd scratch yours.
DCI: Make a change from stabbing it!
DI: [Jack relents and scratches Neil's back] Down a bit...

Sgt. Tom Penny: [while taking a leak in the toilets] So this is where you've been hiding out Muswell.
PC: Leave it out Sarge!
Sgt. Tom Penny: Better not, might get arrested.

D.S. Greig: Which finger do you wear the signet ring on son?
Robert: My pinky.
D.S. Greig: Let's see.
D.S. Greig: Yeah, it's a bit small, isn't it.

Acting: I want results...
DS: Yeah, well, I was thinking along those sorta lines as well...
Acting: Well, pull your finger out! And stop skiving!

DC: Right... He got a caution for public disorder six months ago... and there are several charges of GBH and threatening behaviour... Lovely! Just the sorta' bloke ya wanna borrow money from...

W.D.C. Martella: [shouting] Don't you ever talk to me like that again... .. Sir.
D.I. Burnside: Welcome to the firm, Viv.

PC: So basically, I've just gotta put up and shut up?
Insp. Gina Gold: That's what I like about you Lewis. Fast learner.

PC: [about PC Noble] There's something going on between her and the super. I reckon he's brought her in to spy on us.
Sgt: She knows the super through her ex-husband. They're old mates, that's all. You're such an old woman, Tone!

Det. Insp. Galloway: Now. Listen, smartarse. Believe it or not, I'm here to help you. Now, if you wanna be a comedian, we'll wait till you're doing your bit o' porridge, and we'll all have a laugh. And I'll be the one to laugh the loudest, alright?