Top 1000 Quotes From The Sopranos

- I'm child of divorce.
- Shouldn't have been drinking in the afternoon.
- How about a little sympathy?
- You got ice in your veins?
- I had ice in my veins on your uncle couch?
- Most expensive piece of ass I ever had.
- Right. I know what you are thinking too.
- Take care, Tony. You're a strong guy.
- You'll be all right.

- Take one car?
- I'll follow you.

Bob: Some people would have you believe dinosaurs existed millions of years ago. It's just not true! God created the Earth six thousand years ago. And I tell my kids: 'You have to remember: dinosaurs and human beings lived on the Earth at the same time!'
Tony: What? Like the Flintstones?
Bob: It's in the Bible!
Tony: What about all that Carbon dating stuff? A lot of scientists would disagree with you!
Bob: I think you'll find those people all have an agenda, Tony: Evolution, which is Satan's plan to deny God! Evolution and Salvation are mutually exclusive!
Tony: Guy next door is a scientist. Think he'd disagree with you big time!
Bob: Then that man's not saved!

- Look, you guys move.
- Go hang somewhere else,
- I'll give you this bike.
- It's a Gary Fisher.
- It's only a year old.
- My parents gave it to me last Christmas.
- All right.

- I'm taking you back to your mom's early.
- I should take off.
- Yeah, you know,
- I really gotta run them over there now.
- All right. Yeah.
- I'll see you later.
- All right.
- I'll come over to the hotel.
- Yeah.

Tony: What was your mother like? She ever let you down, do anything to hurt your feelings?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Of course she did. She was controlling, manipulative at times. She also never tried to kill me.
Tony: I pushed her over the edge.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: By placing her in a lovely retirement community.
Tony: It's a nursing home!

- You got it?
- Yeah, it's good.
- Regarding Phil, I gotta ask: Whatever happened to
- "stop and smell the roses"?
- You're right. You're right.
- You can't fight every fucking battle, right?
- Asbestos.

- What's the matter?
- I'm... I'm not what you think.
- I don't know what to do.
- I need... I want to tell you all something.
- It's driving me crazy.
- Well, you know you can tell us anything.

- Is this a nonsmoking room?
- Go ahead. [Laughing ]

- I hear that.
- So I saw my cousin this week.
- It turns out he ran into a friend of yours, the big guy, vito.
- And...
- He was in a fag bar, dancing with a guy.
- Get the fuck out!

- Hi. Come on in.
- Jesus. What's the other guy look like?

- Either it has meaning or no meaning.
- And the vito thing...
- The man harbors a faggot.
- It's true.
- Five fucking families.
- And we got this other pygmy thing over in Jersey.
- There's no scraps in my scrapbook.
- Make it happen.

- You're fired.
- Oh yeah? Oh, who's laughing now?
- What do you think? I can't press charges
- 'cause of my friendship with Tony?!
- Three months you worked here!
- You think that doesn't go on your permanent record?!
- We lead the world in computerized data collection!

- I got cash-flow problems of my own.
- A one-time hit, 50, 75 grand to cover the audibility expert.
- I got two kids in private schools.
- Goddamn it!
- Get your shy running right.
- That's what you should be focused on.

- We were right to disappear him.
- You're right.
- For the business.
- Take these out back later and burn them.

Paulie: You know we should hit a Devils game some night
Salvatore: You still get tickets from the Greek?
Paulie: Right on the fuckin ice
Salvatore: I'll bring my sweater
Paulie: [Greeting Furio as he walks up to their table] hey, "chef of the future", have a seat
Salvatore: [to Furio, intentionally mispronouncing his name, mocking him] how you doing?
Furio: [Correcting him, unaware of the insult] Furio
Salvatore: [while Furio pours wine for him, jokingly then laughing] you didn't stomp those grapes yourself, did you?
Johnny: [Noticing them] look at this group
Paulie: [to Johnny] hey, "Mr. New York." What did you do? Swim across that river?
Johnny: [Before hugging him, referring to his promotion] come over here: congratulations
Johnny: [to Pussy, referring to his impoliteness] hey, don't get up
Salvatore: I wasn't gonna
Johnny: [Jokingly] piece of shit
Paulie: [referring to Italy] Say hello to Furio, "friend of ours" from the "other side"
Johnny: Oh, hey, I heard a lot about you
Furio: Nice to meet you
Johnny: Yeah, me too, my pleasure

Agent: [after showing her surveillance footage filmed from outside her club, asking to explain what she was doing] so?
Adriana: I was throwing the garbage out, so what? Isn't that illegal anyway? To film people without telling them?
Agent: and the reason you didn't just leave the garbage in the dumpster?
Adriana: there were bills and stuff: our account numbers were on it
Agent: [shows her a photo of a dead body] friend of yours?
Adriana: [startled by the photo] oh, Jesus Christ
Agent: his name was Gilbert Nieves, there were partial traces of an infrared stamp on his hand from the Crazy Horse
Adriana: I don't know him
Agent: but you told the Long Brach Police he was at the Crazy Horse that night
Bureau: let me ask you a question Ms. La Cerva? Do you really think we have you in here because we don't know what's in that garbage bag?
Agent: [sternly] he was stabbed in the club: you tried to dispose the evidence
Adriana: I didn't do nothing
Bureau: Ms. La Cerva, I suggest in the strongest possible terms that you start telling us what you know

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Look Carmine, you basically know what's going on with your dad, Johnny, and us over in Jersey
Little: First let me say I understand and I appreciate the respect you've shown by coming down here and reaching out this time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Always
Little: And I'll also go on record and say I know my old man can be a tough nut to crack
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't want to "crack nuts", but I will
Little: I feel the anger
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When I try for the second time on a separate issue entirely to make an accommodation and he don't even make a counter offer: where's his respect?
Little: I have no way of knowing what kind of advice his getting from Johnny
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Johnny's always usually a voice of moderation: me and him get along good, so with all due respect let's not jump in and blame Johnny
Little: True, John's a pragmatist but his also a greedy mother fucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He lives above his head
Little: Look Tony, all I can promise you is I will look into it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I understand you've got feel out your old man so we don't give you "armatz" for sticking your nose into it
Little: Tony I haven't been afraid of my father for quite some time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fair enough, but Carmine bear in mind he came onto my turf. He tried to recruit my mulignan. And worse, he roughed up my appraiser. If the proper response is not forthcoming in a business like time frame, my next move will not be further conversation
Little: I get it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before shaking hands] oh, so you should know my next call will be to call Johnny Sack: to let him know we talked. he shouldn't feel blindsided

- I'd like to see you go to a therapist.
- And I'm not the only one.
- Oh, really?
- Well, you can tell them all that I can't afford it.
- Well, it's not really your business anymore, whether I go or what!

- What the fuck did you do?
- Hel... help!
- All right, I got you.
- Stop fighting me.
- All right.
- Don't...
- All right, turn around.
- Grab the side.
- Grab the side right there.
- All right.

Silvio: [sees Marie coming] Oof, look at this mezza mort'.

Georgie: Hey Ralph!
Ralph: I have come to reclaim Rome... for my people.
Georgie: How ya doin'?
Ralph: [grabs Georgie by the neck, yelling] I have come to reclaim Rome... for my people!
Georgie: I don't get it. What do you mean?
Ralph: Fuckin' Gladiator, ya fuck!
Georgie: Oooh, the movie! I didn't see it.
Ralph: You're an asshole then.

- Let's talk about my daughter.
- Principal says girls in sports do better.
- They don't take drugs or get knocked up.
- But now this shit.
- If my daughter ever tried to kill herself...
- Oh, god!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I brought you some books on tape since you say you can't concentrate to read.
Livia: I wish The Lord would take me now!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well... in the meantime.

- The thing is,
- Tony has an open incision.
- If you are there in the room and they change the dressing, it's very hard to take.
- And I don't know that aj should see that.

- You sure this is it?
- Pike's hollow.
- A mile in, by the picnic table.
- Where's their car?
- Maybe they left.
- No, they wouldn't leave without calling.
- Let me try him again.

- What?
- I need to give this back to you.
- I can't keep it.
- But why? I mean, I love you.
- I love you too, Anthony.
- Look, I don't know. Maybe I don't.
- All's I know is
- I just don't feel it.

- Anybody who's anybody's in my head.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing. Just, here we go.
- Here.
- Why now? Why the fuck now, just when things were going good?
- Boot your computer, cops are coming.
- So?
- You want them to see that porno you downloaded?

- Listen, by the way,
- Artie bucco's here to see you.
- I gotta go, guys.
- Take care.
- Artie, you all right?
- I can't.
- What are you talking about?
- We discussed this.
- You gotta leave town.
- I'm sorry.

Patsy: [shaking hands] Welcome to the neighborhood, we're from the Northward Merchants Protective Cooperative
Coffeehouse: I'm kind of busy, you guys looking for a donation?
Burt: [referring to Patsy] Let him finish
Patsy: You may have noticed, not to denigrate anyone but this is a transitional neighborhood. I mean, demographically speaking you still have a lot of marginal types
Burt: And we merchants have found, you really should have some round the clock security
Coffeehouse: Isn't that what the police are for?
Patsy: they do their best but they got their hands full: your weekly dues to us will give you all the supplemental safety net, you'll ever need
Coffeehouse: I can't authorize anything like that: it'll have to go through corporate in Seattle
Patsy: We merchants prefer to deal on a personal, one on one basis
Coffeehouse: I don't have any discretionary fund: it's gotta go through corporate
Burt: How do you think corporate would feel, for the sake of argument, someone threw a brick through your window?
Coffeehouse: They've got like ten thousand stores in North America, I don't they'd feel anything
Patsy: What if, God forbid, it wasn't just vandalism? What if an employee, the manager, let's say, was assaulted?
Coffeehouse: Look, every last fuckin coffee bean is in the computer, it has to be accounted for, if the numbers don't add up, I'd be gone and someone else will be here

Silvio: [at Artie's restaurant] Where'd they get this bread? The bread museum?

- That was wonderful, reverend.
- You call us if you need anything.
- Thank you.
- Good night.

Bobby: Mom started going downhill after the World Trade Center. You know Quasimodo predicted all this.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Who did what?
Bobby: All these problems - the Middle East, the end of the world.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus. Quasimodo's the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Bobby: Oh right. Notre Damus.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nostradamus, and Notre Dame. Two different things completely.
Bobby: It's interesting though, they'd be so similar, isn't it?" And I always thought okay, Hunchback of Notre Dame. You also got your quarterback and halfback of Notre Dame.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: One's a fucking cathedral.
Bobby: Obviously. I know, I'm just saying. It's interesting, the coincidence. What you're gonna tell me you never pondered that? The back thing with Notre Dame?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No!

Johnny: [after Tony witnessed his father cutting someone's thumb with a cleaver] What you seen today Anthony, a very sad thing.
[stern]
Johnny: You disobeyed your old man, and I oughta give you the belt. But I gotta say... a lot of boys your age would have run like a little girl.
[glad]
Johnny: But you stayed. I know you like Mr. Satriale, we all do, he's a lovely man, the man is a gambler. He got over in his debt, he owed me money and he refused to pay. He avoided me. That's why you... should never gamble Anthony. What was I supposed to do? That's my livelihood, that's how I put food on the table. You should never gamble Anthony!
Young: [from the kitchen] Johnny, dinner's ready! Anthony! Janice turn that off!
Johnny: Let this be a lesson to you. A man, honors his debts!

- Or if it does, I'll at least yell
- "fore!" Next time.
- I'm sorry, I shouldn't make jokes.
- Get me a glass of water.
- Yeah.
- You want ice?
- No.
- Let the water run, make sure it's cold.
- Are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Maybe you should go back, Heidi.
- Kennedy, I'm on my learner's permit after dark.

- If that's what you're saying, you should be hospitalized.
- Oh, yeah?
- You get a couple of guys, come to my house, try it.
- All right.
- I'm gonna push the Prozac to 60 milligrams.
- Sure, why not?

- "When a Jew gets a divorce, even the altar sheds tears."
- All right, I heard enough.
- Look, I'm getting kind of tired.
- Let's go get a cup of coffee.
- See you later, Jackie.
- Take care.
- Take care.
- All right, Jackie.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're entitled to shit!

- Couldn't be helped apparently.
- You ever see Phil with the goomar?
- Once maybe. Why?
- Could he talk to her in Ukrainian?
- Ukrainian? The fuck do I know?
- I gotta go.
- Paulie, it's done.

- How you doing, Roy?
- Congratulations.
- Hector, large old blue eyes for this gentleman. Soft drinks of choice.
- Look.
- Take away Tony soprano, he's a zero with shoes.
- He's wearing a stripe now.
- My uncle Richie was gonna...
- Yeah, but he never did.

Phil: Take your fuckin' sorrys and stick 'em in your ass.

- Yeah.
- Tony here?
- Yeah, come on in.
- Hey.
- Let me know if you guys need anything.
- You gonna tell me about the traffic again?
- Here, our friend sent this for you.

Tony: [to Jackie Jr] I'm going to say a few things: I'm just going to say some bad words and your just going to have to deal with it, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking I clipped your uncle. I didn't. I got some bad news for you your uncle was a rat. I've known you since you were a kid, I'm practically a member of your family and this hurt all of us.

Tony: [walking up to a man at a nearby table wearing a baseball cap] Take your hat off.
Capman: Excuse me?
Tony: They don't sell hot dogs here. They took the bleachers out two years ago.
Capman: It's my hat. I'll where it where I want.
[Tony stares at him, breathing angrily. The man hesitantly takes his baseball cap off]
Tony: [to man's date] How you doin'?
[leaves]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!
Reverend James Sr.: Jesus ain't got nothing to do with it.

- Ho, get the skip a chair.
- I don't want a chair. I'm fine.
- Ton', how you doing?
- What are you weighing these days?
- Don't ask. 265.
- Let's go.

- Okay, we'll call you tomorrow.
- All right then, good night.
- What do you think?
- That if we lose this house,
- I'm gonna die.
- Ton', what do you want to do for dinner?
- I'll be right down!

- I'll be relieved when somebody puts their finger on whatever the fuck it is that's wrong with me.
- I wish it was physical, so I could have it ripped the fuck out.
- I'm sorry, it's just very frustrating,
- I know you're only trying to help.
- You know, losing some weight wouldn't hurt.

- Forget that.
- I was listening to that guy on TV.
- Dr. Phil?
- And he was talking about a similar situation.
- And he said that you could if you wanted to.
- There's no set rules.
- It's basically about malpractice...
- And you probably couldn't get sued.
- That's not the point.

Paulie: [after hearing Tony pounding on his front door] Who is it?
Tony: Open this door!
Tony: I want to talk to you. I hear you got some beefs. You want to phone everybody?
Tony: [while walking into Paulie's living room and seeing his painting of him and his racing horse he originally wanted to have discarded] what the fuck?
Paulie: I know you said you wanted the picture burnt T, but the picture moved me
Tony: That's because you knew it cost me a fuckin arm and a leg
Paulie: If it was in-quality work I'll admit that but I told the guys it was a chance of hanging a picture of you on my wall so I rescued it from the flames
Tony: What's with the hat and shit?
Paulie: Huh?
Tony: Don't give me "huh."You know what it does to me? To be reminded of that fuckin horse?
Paulie: I'm sorry T, but you don't come here no more, I didn't figure it'd be a problem
Tony: [Referring to the FBI] I don't come here no more because they're watching all our houses. It's no good for us to visit
Paulie: I know
Tony: What do you and your whores get a big laugh out of that?
Paulie: That's no joke T
Tony: Then what the fuck is it?
Paulie: That's no joke, it cost me a lot of money to get the re-touching done
Tony: Then what the fuck you do it for? Don't bullshit me Paulie
Paulie: Part of it was to fix some fire damage on the guy's feet but while I was at it, I also thought I don't have a modern look in here, so I'm going with something more traditional. Something that captures what your really all about
Tony: A God damn lawn jockey?
Paulie: That's not a lawn jockey, that's a general
Tony: What general? Who?
Paulie: That's not a real general from history

- If you pray.
- Will you pray?
- Okay, you just have to follow me.
- In the name of the father...
- The son...
- And the holy spirit.

- Room 728.
- Elevators are on your left.
- Have a good night.
- Thank you.
- Good night.
- Night.

- Cocksucker! This is an outrage!
- You can't clip someone like this!
- Junior, I want to do it.
- Eight years sitting on my ass.
- It'll feel good being useful.
- He's tough.
- What if things don't go your way?
- If they don't, they don't.
- What the fuck, I'm dead anyway.

Carmela: If you stop now, it'll be that much harder to get back on track
Tony: Your mother's right
Carmela: just out of curiosity, what're you planning on using for money?
Meadow: Cheap tickets' is running a sale, I can cash in the bonds nana gave me: most likely I'll be working
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, on some student film
Meadow: It's not a student film, it's a feature on DV-CAM: he got honorable mention at the Winnipeg Film Festival last year for his short
Tony: Forget money, what about security? You think traipsing around Europe is the smart move these days?
Meadow: Like Europe is any less safe than here? Look, you don't seem to get it. I keep having images of Jackie April lying in a pool of his own blood in some street somewhere
Carmela: So, French discos drive away sad thoughts?
Meadow: You've never heard of the restorative nature of travel? Read Henry James. Why does every college have junior year abroad if there isn't a need for it?
Carmela: Then why don't you wait for junior year? It's eight months
Meadow: Because I need it now
Tony: [irritated] You want to go to Europe? Go! Clear your head, do whatever the hell they do over there
Meadow: Thank you, I will
Carmela: [to Tony] Don't you think she should talk to someone first? A counselor maybe?
Tony: Maybe the college of hard knocks is what she needs? Let's see how she likes it when some gypsy lifts her wallet, let her find out you can't work over there without a permit like the French hang onto like their balls

- How could you say that?
- Look, Tony.
- I don't feel well. My joints ache, my stomach is all queasy.
- You asked, I told.
- Just making conversation.
- If you don't care, don't bring it up!
- All right, calm down.
- I don't have enough on my plate?
- One of my key guys disappeared to Naples, for Christ sakes!

Paulie: [referring to the incident with Valery] so, we open the trunk, this suffocating Russian cocksucker pops up: his still alive
Christopher: [after they all laugh] we lead him through the snow, this asshole's shivering. I mean his wearing fuckin pajamas and slippers in like eight-degree weather
Christopher: [continuing the story and the sound of a gun, after Tony greets them and leaves] anyway, he starts running, the Russian. Boom! I'm telling you the top of his head came off like a fuckin bad rug
Paulie: what a beating we had to give this prick
Vito: where's he now, do you think?
Paulie: who the fuck cares, right Chrissy?
Christopher: who the fuck knows?
Vito: [referring to Valery] poor bastard
Christopher: never would've happened if Paulie hadn't initially "overacted" but it's one for the books
Paulie: what'd you mean "overreacted?"
Christopher: you choked him with the guy's lamp, Paulie, we could've got Silvio's money without having to spend the night in the fuckin open
Paulie: [clarifying the details to everybody, referring to Christopher] he let him jab him with the shovel was the problem: he let his guard down
Christopher: we would've caught up to the prick, if you didn't lose your fuckin shoe
Vito: Paulie, you lost your shoe? You didn't tell us about that
Christopher: [impersonating Paulie pleading] "Chrissy please, don't leave me out here."
Paulie: you little cocksucker
Christopher: I covered your ass with Tony about that whole "thing" and never a word of fuckin thanks: ever!
Paulie: who's playing the "blood relations" card? Tony's "little favorite"
Christopher: fuck you!

- Getting cute with me?
- With my mother dead?
- Raritan township recycling manager,
- Joe Zachary.
- I'm in line for the contract, but he's talking to Albert.
- He's threatening to go to the epa.
- He said that?
- All right, fix it.
- No more fires.

- Stupid? Just hung up with Paulie.
- His nephew's got six broken vertebras.
- I know that, and I'm sorry.
- But this is the second fucking time
- Paulie flouted his authority to my face.
- The shit with the tools, he set up the deal with the Cubans...
- But this is my father-in-law we're talking about, Tony, my family.
- This bullshit could have been handled with a conversation.

- And now the news.
- You wanna take it for a test drive?

- Oh, my god.
- I didn't wanna tell you.
- Look, we're doing everything we can.
- We're gonna find him.
- We'll get him help.
- We'll get him to rehab.
- Let's just hope he's not too far gone.

- Thanks, but no.
- Let's try it.
- What you were saying before with the mris and...

Tony: I came here today to tell you, in all seriousness, that I'm done. I did what you said. I gave it a lot of thought and I decided, once and for all, it's over. The truth is this therapy is a jerk-off. You know it and I know it.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I actually don't know it but please continue.
Tony: It's a jerk-off.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, you've said that.

- Hi. How are you doing?
- I need a room for the night.
- I don't have anybody down for a reservation.
- The sign said "vacancy."
- Oh, we have rooms. We usually don't get walk-ins. Come in.

- Jesus god, Duke, they're hosin' us for a 2,000 dollar factory seat.
- Come on, Joey.
- Tony, nice to meet ya.
- Come on, you comin'?
- Joe, try to keep him cooled down.

- We're asleep!
- All right, help me.
- Dude, take it easy.
- I'm sorry, man.
- Fuck.
- Oh, dude.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, fuck me.

- Tony! Over here!
- Over here!
- Paulie! Christopher! Where are you?
- Over here, Tony!

Carmela: Jackie Junior took her into the city to see, "Aida".
Tony: I ate her?

- Vincent?
- Jiggle the toilet after.
- Vincent!
- Vincent!

Ralph: [referring to the amount of money he robbed from a safe] nice haul, crackin that strong box, almost a 100k
Paulie: where's my half? Fuckin week now
Ralph: well, let's see, after you kick upstairs, you'll net...
Paulie: [interrupts him] what're you, my accountant?
Ralph: I'm better at numbers than nine tenths of your accountants
Paulie: kind of in our ears in the respect department, aren't you?
Ralph: fuck you talkin about?
Silvio: [referring to Jackie Jr., then Christopher and Furio] your future step son, robbed your card game, he pissed on your leg, killed your dealer, shot at two made guys
Paulie: [points to Paulie and Silvio] A, you're talking shit that's none of your business and B, I'm gonna give that little fuck a beating he'll never forget, as soon as we locate him
Silvio: his in the housing project in fuckin Boonton
Ralph: [ignores Sil, to Paulie] so, this fifty, g's, you think you deserve it?
Paulie: deserve? It's my territory

- You should've called first.
- How's John?
- Some Christmas present, huh?
- I'll see you in the morn...
- I'll see you in the morning.
- God loves you.

- Pull over to the side.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- What are you gonna do?
- Honk the horn.
- Pull over! Police!
- Police? In a Ferrari?

- I brought some leftover Turkey and stuffing.
- Keep it. Everything goes through me.
- And these drafts.
- I should be down in boca.
- Drafts? It's like the fucking
- Amazon jungle in here.
- What's the thermostat say?
- Don't touch it!
- All right. Jesus.

- Just got the call.
- They put him on a corrections bus this morning.
- This was the better move than taking him out.
- Man was a legend.
- Christopher agrees, by the way.
- Well, that's nice that he agrees.
- But I'm not running a fucking popularity contest.

- You should have told me.
- I'm telling you now.
- This is a place to live. I got no intention of sticking my beak in.
- I mean, there's our family and then there's the soprano family.
- Don't I get to see the rest of this?
- You can help me unstick this rain bird.
- I'm a stranger in a strange land out here.

- Yeah?
- What?

- We played that just right.
- Think his time over there with me whipped him into shape a little.
- Hmm.
- Think you'll see a difference.

- You can see cows from in there.
- Sit down and eat before it gets any colder.

Carmela: [to AJ] So every time I asked you "how was work?" you say "fine", you were having your own private little joke on me.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Tony enters the room] what's going on?
Carmela: I went to Blockbuster to rent Cinderella Man, but guess what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Is it still a classic?
Carmela: I found out our son, the liar, was fired three weeks ago
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: From Blockbuster? They have the worst managers over there.
Carmela: He was taking promotional items and selling them, stand ups.
A.J. Soprano: Standees, this whole thing is bullshit, most of that stuff gets thrown out anyway.
Carmela: The store's policy was very clear
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, well maybe I care about the environment did that ever occur to you? "'Wallace and Gromit" that weighed like fifty pounds, how many trees gave their lives for that? It just goes to the dump.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Can I come to a peaceful house one God damn night?
A.J. Soprano: You always tell me to think like a business man, yet every time I do there's something wrong, I was making money throwing parties in high school that was no good.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know what I think, all those days you call in sick, you show up late, you deserve to get canned
Carmela: The worst part is: you don't even give a shit
A.J. Soprano: I should give a shit about Blockbuster? I can't live on what they pay me anyway.
Carmela: Why not? You live at home, we feed you.
A.J. Soprano: You have a social life but I can't, you have any idea what it costs at a descent club in New York? It's five hundred dollars for a bottle of Cristal, and it's a two bottle minimum.
Carmela: You spend a thousand dollars a night on champagne?
A.J. Soprano: [Lying] no, not every night, barely ever

Paulie: [talking privately on two tables in out front of Satriale's] Tone, I never told this to another livin' soul but...
Tony: Yeah?
Paulie: One time at the Bing, I was alone to meet Eddie Lind. I saw the Virgin Mary.
Tony: Why didn't you say somethin'? Fuck strippers, we coulda had a shrine. Sold holy water in gallon jugs. Coulda made millions.

- Tony.
- Tony!
- I'm sorry, Tony.
- What's the matter?
- I can't. The music.
- Meadow, turn it off!
- What?

- Look, Dr. Kim,
- I spent 10 years as a litigator.
- Buy this property, I'll make your life a misery. I'll tort you into the poorhouse.
- I've got an overseas call.
- Well, think it over.
- You have Virginia's number.
- We'll see.
- I wouldn't wanna be the patient...
- He's gonna operate on.
- Let's hold a good thought?

- Where's my rolls?
- I don't know, ma.
- Waiter.
- These Parker house rolls, they belong to my ma.
- They do not.
- They were for the table.
- Wrap these up, will you? Cellophane.
- Come on, ma.

- Yeah?
- It's me.
- I called you half a fucking hour ago.
- Adriana put my keys where I couldn't find them.
- Go to the drugstore.
- Get two pairs of surgical gloves...
- Some bleach, come to our friend's house. The contractor.

- She wasn't from the school?
- My god, she sounded so convincing.
- I'm just trying to be honest.
- Yeah? Why'd you lie?
- I didn't wanna piss you off.
- It's about you?
- What? I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
- No, you didn't wanna piss me off, meaning you'd have to deal with me...
- Which is more about sparing you than my fucking feelings!

Dr. John Kennedy: [Chuckles, accepting Tony's gift] well I guess I could use some extra distance
Tony: Who couldn't?
Tony: [Starts walking closer to him with Furio to intimidate him] you know my uncle, his not doing so well. His got a bad reaction to that Chemo
Dr. John Kennedy: That happens all the time, there's nothing I can really do
Furio: You know there are worst things that can happen to a person than cancer
Tony: [Continues walking closer to him until Kennedy's right foot steps into the pond] my uncle thinks his going to die. His convinced of it. You know how old people are with their superstitions. He thinks it's because he went against you
Dr. John Kennedy: I'm just a surgeon that's all
Tony: Show that man the respect he deserves: answer his phone calls
Dr. John Kennedy: [Takes out a digital recorder to record a message for his secretary, before Tony slaps the recorder out of his hand and into the pond] "Cheryl, make sure Mr. Soprano is scheduled for..."
Tony: [Before driving off in a golf cart] just remember it

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

- Burt wasn't speaking for just himself.
- Guys are getting squeezed hard to sway them towards new management.
- They thought you'd be a part of it.
- And he got an answer.
- My hope is maybe now
- Phil gets the message.
- You know, we can talk this shit through.
- Talk?

- Vic?
- Carmela, hi.
- Imagine running into you here.
- How are you?
- Good. I'm fine. And how are you?
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Just shopping for a roller.

- I'm sorry I haven't paid you, Herman.
- I know you are.
- And I never meant to denigrate Tony soprano.
- Want to walk on the rocks?
- Crutches, I can't.
- It's beautiful out there.
- Come on, we'll help you.
- I go out there to think.

Corrado: Keep thinking you know everything. Some people are so far behind in a race that they actually believe they're leading.

- He'll attend the church service...
- Then pay his respects to the family aftennards.
- Thank you, counselor. We appreciate it.
- You're worth every fucking cent.
- They're gonna have Scottish bagpipes at the funeral.
- It should be interesting.

Tony: What the fuck's with you?
Carlo: Root canal, they got me on oxycodone. My whole fuckin' head is numb.
Tony: Well, that answers some questions.

Tracee: I'm pregnant. It's Ralphie's.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Congratulations.
Tracee: What should I do? He acts like he doesn't give a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You ever think he's not acting?

- Hey.
- Where is everybody?
- What're you doing?
- Receipts from Sunday's game.

- one little thing goes wrong, you're left with nothing.
- Honey, I'm not Adrianna.
- I'm healthy. Our baby's healthy.
- Stop worrying and enjoy this time, okay?
- I am. Let's just stop countin' the chickens.
- Any anesthesiologist, dial 5248.

- What do you got for me, Nicky?
- Let met get my wallet.
- Fucking skeeve, this shit.

- But he's also a greedy motherfucker.
- He lives above his head a little.
- I am reminded of Louis the whatever's finance minister, de-something.
- He built a chateau. Nicole and I saw it when we went to Paris.
- It even outshone versailles, where the king lived.
- In the end,
- Louis clapped him in irons.

- Supposing that happened...
- What about the other issues that were on the table?
- I swear to you, on our children...
- That my midlife-crisis problems...
- Will no longer intrude on you anymore.
- Okay.

- Never pass a drug test.
- Call me a taxi.

- You're awake.
- I made Lincoln log sandwiches.
- Maybe later.
- I am meeting gab for lunch...
- And then we are stopping at nordstrom's.
- If you go out, make sure you set the alarm. Okay?

Meadow: Look, you guys, I know what I did was not OK and I've been thinking about it a lot and really not feeling good about myself. I think you should take away my Discover card.
Carmela: You better believe it.
Tony: That's right.
Meadow: For two weeks.
Tony: Three.
Meadow: How do I buy gas?
Tony: Your allowance.
Meadow: I spent my allowance and I already owe mom.
Carmela: [after Tony looks at her implying he wants to know what Meadow owes money for] The Pashmina.
Carmela: [to Meadow] We can wait on that.

- What, I make the rules now?
- Guy's a captain.
- I know, but when he was in jail...
- All I'm saying is, if you get the extra responsibilities...
- You should get the benefits too.
- You're right.
- I'll say hello to the guys from you.

- Did you see?
- How I didn't rise to the bait?
- The mulignan?
- A lot of good it did me.
- Does anybody!
- It's still going on!

- when gene, the actuary, completely unloads on me.
- Jerk.
- Like yellin's gonna make me do anything but screw up more.
- You know you have to remember that when you're the boss.
- The boss.
- It's amazing isn't it?

- Trouble is I lost my wallet, so how the hell am I going to check in there without a credit card?
- You'd face the same problem here.
- Yeah, but I stayed here as a guest just last night.
- You couldn't sign on that bill, you've already closed it out.
- Thanks for being so helpful.

- I wanted to thank you for taking components out of the home theater.
- Hey, I bought that for us to watch movies as a family, okay?
- Not to entertain your girlfriends.
- I talked to my lawyer about filing a separation agreement.
- I'm not paying a lawyer! We should be able to settle this thing like adults!
- Then stop taking shit out of the house!

- Aunt Barb's comin' later.
- Uncle Tom had to work.
- All right, honey.
- I miss you too.
- Merry Christmas.
- Love to Finn, huh?

- Speak.
- He's at 146 route 9a, kinderhook.

- My name is orange j.
- I'm down with massive genius.
- That's who it was.
- The gangsta rapper.
- I told you to shut up!
- We're having a party at g's crib.
- Englewood cliffs. You interested?
- And I get served with black-eyed peas tomorrow? Yo, I know what time it is.
- Massive's heard of the crew you with.
- There's business to be done.

- There's no such things as ghosts.
- The cake...
- Maybe it was for the nuns.
- Sometimes when I'm walking down the hallway I can smell her hair.
- Well, maybe if we did something bad, she'd haunt us for our own good.
- There's nothing to be scared of.
- Go back to bed.

[playing Monopoly]
Janice: Boardwalk. I own it.
Tony: And you blew guys under it.

- Show me the money.
- What's your corkage fee?
- How about that prick's face when he saw the gat?
- The grizzly Adams motherfucker?
- "Whoa, take it easy."
- "We're with the vipers."

- I thought there was a sadness about him.
- And the children?
- Childless. She had a hostile womb.
- I had a dream about him.
- You did?
- Christine.
- He asked me about you too.
- He was wallpapering my dining room.
- It was your subconscious telling you you want him to wallpaper the room.

- Barb'll testify. You back her up.
- I should have kept my mouth shut, like a mute.
- In the future, any deal they make...
- You keep your mouth shut.
- For a year I didn't speak to you.
- Maybe I should have kept it that way.
- Fuck it. Do what you want.

Tony: I'm trying to keep a low profile, what's the fuckin point? I'm still a miserable prick and I'm still passing out
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Remains silent]
Tony: Well, you seem very mellow today?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's talk about you
Tony: [Eventually referring to the suicide of the actor George Sanders] You seem like you're on drugs and I'm boring myself to death and I'm ready for the "George Sanders long walk here"
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you know why a shark keeps moving?
Tony: [while rubbing his head] they gotta keep moving or they'll die or something

- He ain't a bad guy once you get to know him.
- I always liked him.
- I was very touched by that funeral the other day.
- Real heart-grabber.
- That fucking little carmine.
- And after what?
- Five years in Florida fixing wet t-shirt contests.

Adriana: [after he takes the blindfold off her and she sees an empty club] What?
Christopher: It's yours
Adriana: What is?
Christopher: This is the Lollipop in Long Branch: this is your club
Christopher: [when she looks confused] I'm a partner here now, me and Furio. We're gonna be silent, you're gonna be the owner and manager, you book the bands, you find the talent, whatever you wanna do, it's yours
Adriana: [hugs him] Oh my God, I can't believe it
Christopher: Your gonna turn this place into the biggest Jersey club since the Stone Pony
Adriana: thank you, I'm so excited, can we change the name?
Christopher: Whatever you want baby
Christopher: [introducing him, after Rocco is escorted in by Furio and Benny] This is Rocco, he works for you

- Yeah, to you.
- I wasn't the one selling heroin.
- I wasn't the one pinched for it.
- So, what do I do?
- What do you do?
- You do everything you can do.
- Do what you do to a girl that you want to fuck. Make him love you.

Tony: here we all are
Angelo: right, I called you boys because Lorraine calls me and she said there's a "situation" in our family that's gotten out of hand with John and little Carmine
Lorraine: fuckin Johnny: he wouldn't even let the maggots get on Carmine before his telling me to "kick up" direct to him
Tony: the problem is Carmine never named his successor and we all assumed it'd be Johnny because his son's down in Miami with the discos and what not
Angelo: [to Tony] his grabbing with both hands: John, "this" could get ugly there's a lot of "potential" for bloodshed
Jason: [interrupting them] "potential?" They almost killed us
Lorraine: Jason, men are talking here
Angelo: [to Tony] now your close to John, do you have any ideas?
Junior: [answering for Tony] What are you asking him for? He never even had the makings of a varsity athlete
Angelo: Your point being what, Junior?
Tony: [answering for Junior] no, forget it, he's just breakin balls. One thought I had, in the interest of harmony, maybe there could be a power sharing "situation"?
Lorraine: the Sopranos have two bosses
Junior: that's not all it's cracked up to be: believe you, me
Tony: [to Junior] let's not get into "that" right now
Tony: [to Angelo] What I was think was three bosses, like a "tri-umber thing", like Caesar: Little Carmine, Johnny, and you
Angelo: I'm retired
Tony: you were Carmine's consigliere for over thirty years, if it wasn't for that little construction beef down in Yonkers, it'd be you running that family today
Angelo: things happen how they happen
Tony: think about it: it doesn't have to be 9-5, you can still take your grandson to the park. Things get "heavy", your just another voice to "weigh in" and John still does better financially than he ever did under Carmine

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was wondering who's Z24 was sitting in the driveway, what? You get a new car?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: yeah
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want anything? A coke?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: No, I'm set. I heard about Ralph Cifaretto... that he got passed over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [surprised] you heard about what? Who?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I'm just saying Ralph, it's probably a smart move. I mean the more I get to know him, his kind of a cool guy but...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] it's none of your fuckin concern, you told me you were gonna go to college then I gotta hear Christopher's shit about you?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [realizes Christopher told Tony that Jackie Jr. drove the getaway car for the robbery on his college campus] oh, you talked to Chris, oh shit
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's right. I promised your dad: don't make this hard on me. I already got him once to bust my balls
Meadow: [after arriving home carrying her laundry bag] hey Jackie, what're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: waiting for you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What? I don't get a hello?
Meadow: I need two hundred dollars for November to put in my student account
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] You don't talk to me for weeks but my money's still green
Meadow: [sarcastically] I'm looking forward to total independence, believe me. African Americans go to Columbia dad, some of them are my friends
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum] friend, my ass, under a blanket, on my couch, watching television with his shoes off, with you

- It's just a habit.
- Well, stop it, alright?
- You're gonna be bald.
- It's obsessive compulsive.
- I'm gonna head upstairs.
- Don't go on account of me.
- I have that poly-sci paper anyway.

Paulie: [when it becomes clear that Don Vittoria, boss of the Naples family, is senile] Ton', you give this guy a golf club, he'll probably try to fuck it.

- Fine.
- You were pretty upset when you left...
- And I wanted to call.
- I began to rue what happened, and I was probably a little...
- I'm going back with my husband.
- Oh, well, that's good.
- Well, all the best.

- She's dead.
- What?
- Yeah.
- She... she drowned on a picnic.
- Well, I thought I picked up on something between her and me.
- I'm not trying to be conceited.
- Tony!

- Can't have been an easy decision, killing a made guy, huh?
- Naturally Phil won't brag about it 'cause he can't.
- Phil was in a tough situation, his family honor was stained.
- If I got to vito first, net result would have been the same.
- Fucking-a.

- Really beautiful, Noah.
- It's not that bad, okay?
- I want options when
- I graduate, Meadow.
- I'm going to law school in two short years.
- A c-minus is fucked for me.
- It's early in the semester, you'll make it up.

- Later, I don't feel good.
- What happened to your face?
- Leave me alone.
- I want to know what happened.
- You never went to Meadow's after you gave me your word.
- Get off my back.
- You are a liar!
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?
- Get back here.

- Right, the coke.
- The real kind, not the diet shit.
- Ice-cold, five buttons.
- Plus, we got snickers, kit kats and sprees, also five.
- I'll take some sprees.
- Okay, ante up.

- Ade? It's been 40 minutes.
- How long you gonna stay in there?
- How long you gonna let me go without a lawyer?
- I told you, they're backed up.
- We left four messages.
- Eight fucking hours
- I've been here already.

- Well, the way I feel right now,
- I'd like to meet a bear.
- What would you do if you did meet him?
- Oh, that bear'd have just as much a chance as this pork chop.
- Where you boys all going?
- It ain't over.
- Somebody's gonna get something they ain't expecting.
- Have a bite...

Paulie: [Questioning Christopher about his near-death experience, where Christopher thought he went to hell] Was it hot?
Christopher: Yeah... I don't know. What the fuck?
Paulie: The heat would've been the first thing you noticed. Hell is hot! That's never been disputed by anybody. You didn't go to hell; you went to purgatory, my friend!

Tony: [about Janice] She's lucky she isn't here or I'd be bouncing her fucking head against the wall!

Christopher: [while Tony grabs him by the mouth] what's the matter now?
Tony: What's the matter? I got a call from Loiaco down at the brokerage firm: your two friends beat the shit out of a broker, two others quit
Christopher: The guy was pushing some other stock
Tony: It attracts negative attention and then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building
Christopher: I'll call them
Tony: No, you'll go down there... now. What'd you get your license for? You're résumé? I've been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage firm: you're the fuckin SEC compliance officer for Christ's sake, you gotta show impulse control, ok?
Christopher: I'm sorry

Corrado: [to Warren] I saw your girl today at pet therapy. How she keep her coat so shiny?

Skip: [meeting privately, referring to meeting with Tony] how'd it go?
Skip: [after Pussy hands him an audiotape of the wiretap his been recording] was Sundeep there?
Salvatore: yeah
Salvatore: [before handing him a white envelope full of money] my whole cut
Skip: [handing him a small amount of money from the same envelope] here
Skip: [when Pussy rolls his eyes and shakes his head after looking at the small amount of cash] what's the matter?
Salvatore: what's the matter?
Skip: [irritated] I know, Tony's your best friend
Salvatore: President Franklin is my best friend, and his in there
Skip: look, some cooperators, when they finally get their new identity, they do pretty fuckin good. Some snitch I worked with became garbage commissioner of a good size city in Florida

- She's just gonna call back.
- Come on.
- When do I ever ask you for anything?
- All right, you better stay there.
- And be home on time tomorrow.
- I don't want any shit from mom.
- Stop.
- Frida, why do you and Diego have separate houses?
- Because we are two different people, but our love makes us into one.

[Tony and Paulie are driving through Maryland]
Paulie: Chevy Chase. Fuck ever happen to him?

Dr. Harrison Wong: [to Tony, referring to Junior and the mental state exam] He was disoriented when he came in and scored low on his Folstein but that's consistent with concussion
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yells] We're gonna sue the God damn Justice Department
Dr. Harrison Wong: CAT scan's negative, so far, so good
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He didn't seem like himself
Dr. Harrison Wong: Man his age could've been working on dementia for quite a while and the blow to the head tipped him over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You mean like Alzheimer's?
Dr. Harrison Wong: That's one form of it: that's why we want to keep him here to keep an eye on him. There's a good chance this can go away

- You're not depressed.
- You're sad because you did something stupid, and you got grounded.
- You can't watch TV or play on your computer for a couple weeks.
- It's gonna stay like that.
- It isn't fair.
- You got that right.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to Bobby Baccala] if I'd known you were going to get out so fast for this medical shit, I never would've talked to that calzone with legs
Junior: He gave me the message
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Junior remains silent] don't fuckin pout, be grateful I'm letting you earn
Junior: What's on your mind?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after looking around in the doctor's office] how'd you "swing" this?
Junior: This Dr. Schreck is Mani Schreck's kid
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Mani the bookie's son? His cardiologist. It's not bad
Junior: The law says the Feds can't bug your doctor's office. He lets me use this place whenever I need to conduct business
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So you heard about Massarone construction?
Junior: Bacala's taken care of it. The joint fitters know he speaks for me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's got to go sixty forty my way
Junior: Did you do what I asked?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What'd you ask me to do?
Junior: You know, make peace
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Now you listen: enough with that shit, that woman's dead to me. You let it go
Junior: Why the fuck should I? She's my brother's wife. She doesn't realize what she says half the time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's put our cards on the table here. I heard your radio debut on those tapes the Feds made at Green Grove so doesn't know what she's saying half the time, well which half did you listen to? The half that doesn't make any sense? Or the half that we know that played you like a fuckin child?
Junior: Nobody played me. She didn't know that she was setting you up to get popped. That's right, your uncle isn't as dumb you think. You, that miserable fuck Altieri the rat bastard all my capos meeting behind my back
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You let sleeping dogs lie ok? I have my reasons
Junior: I'll tell you one dog you left still barking: that fuckin Freddie Capuano that mother-less money grubbing little son of a bitch
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The guy that owns Green Grove retirement community?
Junior: His like an old fuckin lady and has been going around telling Soprano business to anybody that'll listen. His the one that's been saying shit about you trying to whack your mother.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you want to tell me what your thinking?
Tony: Believe me, you don't want to know. You want to know what I'm thinking? Seriously?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Nods]
Tony: I'm thinking I'd like to take a brick and smash your fuckin face into fuckin hamburger
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: OK
Tony: Don't worry, I know I broke your coffee table and it's not going to happen again but you asked: I told
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you'd like to smash my face
Tony: Not really, it's just a way of describing how I'm feeling
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Do you think making hamburger out of me would make me feel better?
Tony: Mother of Christ, is this a "woman thing"? You asked me how I'm feeling. I tell you how I'm feeling and now your going to torture me with it. I don't know who I'm angry at, I'm just angry ok? I mean why the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back. I got the world by the balls and I can't stop feeling like a fuckin loser
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Who makes you feel like a loser? Your mother?
Tony: Please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one. It's everything and everybody. I see some guy walking down the street with a clear head. You know the type, his always fuckin whistling, like the happy wanderer. I just want to go up to him and rip his throat open. I want to fuckin grab him and pummel him for no reason, why should I give a shit if a guy's got a clear head? I should say "good for you."
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Let's get back to smashing my face
Tony: [Annoyed, leans back on his chair and moans] Jesus Christ
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No, I think it all ties in
Tony: Alright, sometimes I resent you making me feel like a victim that's all
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I make you feel like a victim?
Tony: Yeah, remember the first time I came here? I said the kind of man I admire is Gary Cooper: the strong silent type and how all Americans are crying and confessing, complaining, a bunch of fuckin pussies, fuck them, and now I'm one of them: a patient
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy
Tony: Yeah, see? There you go again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You said yourself your not the happy wanderer
Tony: Well I'm more like one of those assholes, fuckin jerk offs, and douche bags I see leaving this office

- I was just thinking about when we watched Casablanca last week.
- That new print is great, huh?
- "Of all the lousy gin joints in the world, why'd you have to pick mine?"
- Of all the finocchi priests, why did I get the one who's straight?
- Carmela.
- Come on, it's a joke.

- Penn. And I didn't fuck him,
- I gave him head.
- Which one is he?
- The big one.
- They were playing ac and they're funny.
- He followed me into the ladies' room...
- You lowlife cunt whore!
- Get out of my sight!
- You fucking shitbag motherfucker!
- In the fucking bathroom?

Carmela: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
Anthony: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
Tony: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.

Walden: [Paulie walks into the main room in Satriale's and sees the cat staring at the photo of Christopher] yeah, he does that all the time, sometimes he spends most of the day just staring at his picture you know their funny that way, I had an aunt her cat would only sit at exact corners of the table staring out or the intersection of two walls staring in
Paulie: The fuck? This animal is history today, pick him up
Walden: You pick him up
Paulie: [Tony enters the room] T, you see this shit?
[Referring to the cat]
Paulie: he says he does it all time
Tony: [Referring to the cat] Oh yeah? Leave him, his a good guy
Paulie: Look at him staring at that dead kid, it gives me the fucking creeps
Tony: [to Walden] give us some privacy
Paulie: [to Walden] what the fuck kind of name is that for an Italian?
Walden: I was named after Mr. Bobby Darin, Walden Robert Cassotto
[Walden picks up the cat and leaves]
Tony: The Cifaretto crew, it's like a Chinese fire drill over there, especially now Carlo's absent
Paulie: I know
Tony: I want you to skipper that thing
Paulie: Really?
Tony: Fucking thing is like one big ATM machine, it's all in construction with New York, it falls right into your kick
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Jesus Christ I thought you'd be pleased I didn't just hand you a diagnosis of the clap
Paulie: With all due respect I'd just like to mellow it a little

Tony: [to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.

[Paulie and Christopher chase Mikey into the woods, until he finally twists his ankle and falls]
Mikey: Please, please, come on! No!
Paulie: Fuckin' poison ivy all over me.
Christopher: My friend Brendan, you shot him in the bathtub, naked. No chance to run.
Mikey: I swear to god, it wasn't me! It was Junior! He fucking hated that kid!
Christopher: Yeah, right. It was Junior. Mr. Magoo!

- Now, I want you to answer me truthfully.
- Look, I know I haven't been a fucking Saint, all right...
- And you got plenty of issues of your own on that subject...
- But you haven't exactly been a fucking Saint yourself.
- No. No, no, no. Come here.
- You think I would go near that girl like that?

- Lord fuckpants? Whose moniker is that?
- I'm not sure it is a moniker.

- You believed a ufo was over Jersey.
- I won't tell you again!
- T, I'm asking you to reconsider.
- You requested a sit-down.
- He heard you out.
- But Christ, I'm leaving
- $38,000 on the table.
- Tony! I had to park the car all the way over there.
- Son of a bitch!

Christopher: I look in her eyes, man, and she looks back at me...
Paulie: How the fuck do I put myself up for adoption?
Christopher: What?
Paulie: Nothin'. Go ahead.
Christopher: She ain't adopted Paulie.
Paulie: I'm kiddin'. What were you sayin'?
Christopher: My point... What the fuck?... It's babies. They're the future. You realize by the time Caitlin's outta college it'll be like the year 2027 or somethin'.
Paulie: She takes after you she won't be outta fourth grade by then. 'Course by that time she'll be workin' here so who gives a shit.

- I could slice an ear off his head.
- Richie, wait.
- Ma, if you need something, call. I'll bring it up.
- Are you smoking marijuana?
- I want to watch the TV.
- We should get one for your room.
- Listen to her.
- Like Rose Kennedy, with all her money to throw around.

- None of those dipshits want to work either.
- I did get him to hose down the trash cans though.
- That's something.
- You're probably busy.
- I'll let you go.
- I just wanted to say hello.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too. Be careful, eh?

- You really are in love with yourself, aren't you?
- What do you mean?
- Conceited?
- Self-centered.
- "Okay." I mean there's a bunch of alternates you could've said.
- You deprive yourself of nothing.

Junior: Must be different in the can now Not like the old days. Fuckin' animals.
Feech: It's all about setting a precedent.

- And I appreciated it.
- But we both know no matter how much help I gave, you'd still be here fuckin' complainin'.
- Oh my god, there's nothing holding us together but DNA.

- I ate grilled cheese off the radiator instead.
- I wanted to fuck a woman...
- But I compromised.
- I jacked off in a tissue.
- You see where I'm going?
- Yeah.

- When he was taken into custody, junior made pointed references to the mcguire sisters,
- Sam giancana.
- You mean the Kennedy assassination?
- Yeah.
- You mean as related to this?
- I had to ask.
- My husband was three years old.

- See why she'd never tell me.
- I'm afraid we have to stop now.
- When will your office be finished?
- My new carpet's not in yet.
- I'm sorry. I know this is awkward.
- My old therapist worked out of his home.
- That's... not convenient for me.

Tony: [after kissing her on the cheek, noticing something's bothering her] I see this "grey cloud" over your head
Tony: [referring to AJ] Where's "prince Albert"? still sleeping?
Carmela: Who knows? I've been very patient with you because you've been sick: you were gonna talk to the building inspector, my spec house
Tony: Oh, yeah. I sent Little Paulie, he made some "headway" with the... supervisor but the other guy, the inspector, his a "piece of work." Next time, I'll get Sil on it

- But I feel so much better now.
- About everything.
- It's like this great sadness is beginning to lift.
- Sadness?
- Yeah.
- Well, I'm happy for you.
- Thank you.
- I am.

- An extra 5 g's it cost me just to hold her place.
- You been back 30 seconds, you already got a fistful of cash...
- Not to mention the no-showjobs
- I got for you.
- You're right, ton. I know.
- Enjoy the party.
- I will.
- All right.

- What time is he gonna be there?
- I hate to say this, but the truth is he ain't good enough for you.
- I mean, he's a good kid.
- What you need is a man.
- Tell him to put it in the trunk.
- You know how long
- I been waiting to do that?

- I don't know what
- I would do, uncle rich.
- I love him so much.
- He's gonna make it.
- I don't want that fuck here.
- I told him that.
- He's full of negative energies.
- He said he'd only come back here if he had something on Matthew.

- Why aren't you dressed for the dance?
- I can't go.
- Why not?
- Don't you need me here?
- And disappoint the future miss New Jersey?
- Mom was gonna drive.
- She can't now.
- You're gonna go.

Tony: [referring to Hugh's accident] How's your father?
Carmela: much better: He'll be fine for the party, thank God
Tony: That's good, what party?
Carmela: Seventy fifth birthday, the surprise party we talked about last summer?
Tony: Oh, yeah, that's coming up?
Carmela: Yeah, next Saturday but actually, that's why I wanted to come by, I think it maybe it would be best... easier anyway for both of us if I went at it alone and not have you there?
Tony: Oh, yeah
Carmela: You know my father would love to have you there, you know? His crazy about your sausages and all the rest of it but I thought that's why it would put "us" and people in a "uncomfortable" situation?
Tony: I decided when I woke up that I wasn't coming
Carmela: Really? I'm so glad you understand: it was hard for me to come to this decision let alone tell you
Tony: [while taking money out] I'd like to contribute anyway
Carmela: No, mom and I are taking care of it
Tony: For Hugh's seventy fifth? I insist
Carmela: You know, I'd rather see you go back to your therapist
Tony: [angrily] I'd like to see you go see a therapist and I'm not the only one
Carmela: Oh, really? Well, you can tell them all that I can't afford it
Tony: Well, it's really not your "business" anymore whether I go or what

- I've been thinking about your behavior therapy idea. You got a point.
- I could use some help with a few things. If they can help me there...
- I should go there.
- No.
- You sure about that?
- Because the last couple of times...
- I've been getting the feeling that you're giving me the boot.

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...
- I see that you are hopelessly deadlocked.
- And I have no choice but to declare a mistrial.
- I know that you did the best you could.
- You have performed a valuable service.
- You may be excused.

Tony: [Yelling] Tony!
Tony: Jesus Christ
Salvatore: Can I talk to you?
Salvatore: [Angrily] where the fuck you been?
Salvatore: [Referring to the entrance of Tony's driveway, implying they should talk somewhere more private] we're going to talk here?
Tony: Come into the house
Salvatore: I got your word if I walk in there, I'm walking back out?
Tony: I don't see you for all this time, no word: nothing. And this is the way you come back to me?

- But Tony says he's gonna hire a detective.
- Look at this.
- Two of you were so cute.
- Well, even then my cannoli was bigger than his.
- Oh, stop.
- Oh, man, there he is.

- Churchill.
- Fucking niggers.
- Barry!
- Who else, huh?
- Who else?!
[ Female ] West essex orthopedic group.

Juror: Stay in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.
Female: I wouldn't want to think of you on that day.

Carmela: [after seeing a news report showing AJ cursing at reporters, rushes into his room to confront him] I swear I'm going to fucking kill you
A.J. Soprano: [after Carmella pulls his blanket off him] what the fuck?
Carmela: You made a fool of yourself and our family on national fuckin television
Carmela: I didn't even say that shit. They totally misquoted me
Carmela: Of course they did. That's what they do. Which is why I and everybody else told you don't talk to the press
A.J. Soprano: Yeah well, your the one who looks like an asshole: dragging me around like I was five years old
Carmela: [Calling him the religious idiom] Your a "cross to bear", to me, to your father to everybody
A.J. Soprano: [Before storming out, grabbing his shoes and clothes] fuck this! Fuck it all!

- What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you?
- I don't know, it was a trip...
- Having those wild creatures...
- Come into my pool and have their little babies.
- I was sad to see them go.
- Oh, Jesus, fuck. Now he's gonna cry.

- You're not going anywhere.
- Let go! Your son'll be home.
- You want him to see his father like this?
- You'd love that.
- I'm not leaving here, carmela.
- I don't love you anymore!
- I don't want you! You are not sleeping in my bed, Tony!
- The thought of it now makes me sick!
- Jesus Christ almighty,
- I'm going fucking crazy!

- You got a lot of balls coming to me.
- And as for your husband, Janice...
- "Exile on main street."
- Don't say that.
- You trust a guy, you bring him along, and for what?
- He feels sorry for junior?
[Mumbles ] Bullshit.

- Okay, phase one, sign here...
- And there...
- And here.
- And...
- That's it.

Jimmy: Who is it that made you hate these fuckin Russians?
Christopher: I had these two pricks Junior brought around who would pound on my ass. For a while, I was biter but Tony's comare is Russian: you couldn't ask for a nicer person, these two tonight are friends of hers
Jimmy: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died
Jimmy: Whoa, easy for you to say, I don't get young ones like before
Christopher: You're gonna be glad I got you out of bed tonight. Russian boo, boo's, you go for some basic foreplay, they'll detail your car
Jimmy: [referring to his clothes] You didn't let me put anything decent on

Carmela: How are you? Everything ok?
Tony: [Showing her his school assignment] AJ left this in his room. I thought he might need it to turn in
Carmela: [after reading the name on the paper] did you even look at this? Who the hell is Anne Dunmn?
Tony: How should I know?
Carmela: Well, she's obviously some girl who was an expert on Lord of the Flies three years ago. This is an A+ paper
Tony: Since when do you eat duck?
Carmela: I can't believe he would do this
Tony: Neither could I, considering how tight he is with money
Carmela: That's not what I meant. What? You think he bought this? God damn it
Carmela: [after answering the phone] hello?
Robert: I was just laying here thinking about you. What're you wearing?
Carmela: [Trying to hide her affair with AJ's teacher from Tony by talking casually] yes hello Mr. Wegler, I'm afraid now's not a good time
Robert: I'm serious, I want to know
Carmela: [Attempting to end the conversation] Well yes thank you very much. I will make sure he brings it in, ok goodbye Mr. Wegler
Robert: I made reservation at that crab place down by the shore: dinner and a little night swimming
Carmela: [Before hanging up] Right, ok thank you
Tony: What'd that fag want?
Carmela: Jesus Christ Tony, everybody's a fag to you. Maybe your a fag? You ever think about that?
Tony: Could I help it if I know one when I see one?
Carmela: Oh really? What're the signs? Education? Culture?
Tony: Suckin a guy's cock usually tips me off
Carmela: How do you know who sucks whose cock? What? You got a little secret? And what'd you care if somebody's gay? Must be some big fear of yours or you wouldn't talk about it so much

Phil: [meeting privately] I just now find out it's asbestos you're dumping over there
Tony: what'd you think it was?
Phil: I never asked, Tampax, fuck do I know?
Tony: well, now you know
Phil: you and your friend Stefano have been "pocketing" how much on this "cowboys and Indians" asbestos removal?
Butch: building the townships like you're following all the EPA regulations
Tony: [ignores Butch] you got the same scams Phil, why don't we cut through the bullshit, how much you think your owed on this?
Phil: twenty five percent
Tony: don't be an asshole
Christopher: [to Phil] you know there's "close monitoring" at every fuckin landfill
Phil: [sarcastically, referring to Tony] maybe if somebody had been up front with me from the beginning?
Tony: nobody hided nothing, I just seen him dumping it there with what's his name? The Operations Manager, since "I've" been there at Barone Sanitation?
Phil: you're not "there" anymore, I am and you're enjoying your "generous" severance package
Tony: twenty five percent: that's not gonna happen
Phil: [before Tony ignores him and leaves with Christopher] you got a backyard, pool? Dump it there, it's my only other "suggestion"

- I only do it once in a while.
- Somebody gave me some when they didn't have any money.
- I'm sorry.
- You got your whole life in front of you.
- Wanna throw it away on drugs?
- Okay.
- One, two, three.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's always good news until it ain't.

- All anybody talks about is prosciutto, cheese and beans!
- I'm drowning here!
- Christ, take it easy!
- We're not even engaged!
- When you're married you'll understand the importance!
- Fuck the importance.
- Oh!

- Perhaps they should examine their own needs to have you stay in school.
- Blow off their self-esteem issues.
- So you book on Columbia, you can come back when you're ready.
- Or I could write you a letter to the university of Barcelona.
- It's a hot school.
- I'm on a consultancy there.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Will I see you next week?
Tony: Unless you know something I don't
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Just so that you understand I have to charge you for the missed session
Tony: What'd you talking about?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We agreed on that on our very first meeting
Tony: I know that but I just explained to you my situation
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I understand but it's important we respect the agreement
Tony: What if I got hit by a car?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: But you weren't
Tony: I know that but what if?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You weren't
Tony: Why don't you answer my fuckin question?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I will not
Tony: [Agitated, stands up removes a roll of cash and start tossing it on her coffee table] alright because this is what it's all about right? Mother fuckin cock suckin money here!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I don't understand that comment and I don't appreciate being made to feel afraid
Tony: I don't appreciate feeling like I pour my heart out to a fuckin call girl
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that how you see me?
Tony: Not until now but it's obvious you don't give a SHIT about my situation or what's happening with me or you wouldn't be shaking me down
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It'll be shown as paid on next month's bill
Tony: Fine. Stick it up your ass

- When your food is grilled to perfection.
- This grill does all the work for you.
- With my exclusive 20-minute digital countdown timer with auto...
- Heroin? You got only one option.
- A dog you love catches rabies, you put her out of its misery, Anthony.
- Salute.

- Fuck, my fucking balls.
- Oogatz here.
- The freeze.
- Nothing.
- Come on, let's blow.
- Lot of fucking noise we made.
- Fuckthat close the goddamn door.

- As a metal band they were great, but this...
- As far as I am concerned, blows away matchbox 20.
- What do they call themselves?
- Used to be defiler. Then some personnel changes, bass and drums.
- But Richie and vito are still the core of the band.
- Now they're called visiting day.

- Then she is picking up my parents and they're coming here.
- They're each bringing some antipasto.
- I complain about my mother, about how she just sits at home...
- And feels sorry for herself.
- But she's always ready to drive those friends of hers that can't drive.
- I'm proud of her. It gives me hope.

- Don't talk to carmela.
- You go some place, have a cup of coffee.
- You wait till I call you.
- Huh?
- It's okay. We're gonna take care of it.
- Go ahead.

Agent: You looking for me?
Walter: [showing her footage of the surveillance camera they installed aimed at the parking lot of Adriana's club] Yeah, the Crazy Horse, that's you right?
Agent: Yeah, you got something?
Walter: Yeah, the pole camera three days ago: she locks up the club for the night, she's throwing away the garbage
Agent: Yeah?
Walter: Then she changes her mind
Agent: Interesting

- See you went out and forgot your shoes.
- Where do you live?
- Belleville.
- You don't wanna tell me your name?
- You're not in any trouble or anything.
- Corrado soprano.
- I'll tell you what, sir.
- Why don't you get in the car where it's warm?
- We'll try to get in touch with your lawyer, all right?

- I'm feeling pretty happy myself.
- Why the big change of heart?
- Well, I was never hesitating because of you.
- I just had to get my head into a place...
- Where I felt that I could really commit, you know.
- To lavish all the care on you that you should have.

- _hey!
- Whoa!
- Don't look like you're gonna cry.
- You made your bed.
- I need $15.
- Excuse me?
- A Cole Porter cd. It's for madrigals.
- We're doing three of his songs.
- You took my card, remember?

- Yeah. The two of us should sit down with Meadow.
- Talk as a family.
- With him, they'll test him and we'll see what's what.
- Right?
- Good night.
- Good night.

- The sleep of death.
- He's talking about his own death...
- Which has yet to come, but will come.
- That's fucked up.
- Gotta go.
- I thought black was death.
- White too.
- I'm coming, I'm coming.

- He's drunk!
- I told John, "look..."
- Let's talk downstairs.
- Motherfucker.
- I don't understand this at all.
- Cocksucker.

- Yeah.
- Dad's pretty cool.
- Where's ai? She was supposed to loan me a cig.
- I'll come with.
- Ai?
- Ally!
- If you're smoking, you owe me $5!

- So med and Patrick parisi?
- Little awkward though, maybe.
- Patsy still works for Tony.
- He's an underling.
- Well, cupid's dart lands, you know?
- I'm gonna send some iimoncellos over in celebration.
- Great.

Ralph: [while in a diner] you see that shit before? The look on Tony's face when I turned down that drink? Buy me a drink? Fuck you, he knew it was wrong, what he did
Vito: he is the boss: he can do whatever he wants
Eugene: boss or no, you don't raise your hands to another "made" guy. Joe Vul from Mulberry Street, exact same situation, he smacked that guy around
Ralph: rules are rules otherwise, what? Fuckin anarchy
Eugene: at the very least, Tony owes you an apology
Ralph: the money I put in his pocket from construction alone, it should hit his knees, this prick
Ralph: [to Eugene when he doesn't respond] what? You think I'm afraid of that fat fuck?
Ralph: [to Vito] no offense
Ralph: I could see if it was his daughter or a niece of his but all this over some dead whore, he had to been fuckin her
Vito: no, he knew you were fuckin her
Ralph: that's why, that's how he is, like a dog with two bones. I'm supposed to go over there for Thanksgiving, me and Roe
Eugene: really?
Ralph: fuck him and his turkey, I should shove a drumstick up his ass

Tony: [while inside David Scatino's sporting goods store after business hours, referring to the police investigating the murder of Matt Bevilaqua] if they do have something, why aren't they talking to you?
Salvatore: Give them time, they will
Tony: [Referring to the charges they'll face] murder, aiding, and racketeering
Salvatore: [On the possible sentence they'll receive] Twenty to life
Tony: [while Paulie and Furio enter the store, jokingly] there they are: the Flaying Gavone Brothers
Paulie: [to Tony] not good, not good
Tony: [Suddenly stands up and forcefully grabs Paulie by his shirt] on my fuckin kids I will cut you, just tell me
Paulie: Take it easy Tone. It's fixable. First off it's not a rat
Salvatore: Thank God
Paulie: [to Pussy] don't thank Him yet. There's an eyeball witness
Tony: What're you talking about?
Tony: [after kicking a table, to Pussy] Jesus Christ! Shit! Did you see anybody? Did you see another living fuckin soul?
Salvatore: Fuck no
Paulie: Don't worry, it's only a mere bump in the road
Tony: Oh, you're beautiful
Salvatore: Do we know him?
Paulie: My friend at the station only knows is that his a civilian. A flag saluting mother fucker
Furio: [to Tony, unintentionally incorrectly using the Idiom "go on the lamb"] Maybe you should lamb chop it for a while?
Salvatore: I keep a suitcase in my trunk
Paulie: Yeah, tell us about it
Salvatore: Hey, fuck all of you, bygones are never fuckin bygones
Tony: This is a fuckin nightmare. I've got to move some cash around, if I going to lamb it I'm going away with a fuckin "package." I'm not going to be like Mickey Mcsuko. That poor prick had five fuckin minutes to run. He ended up in some rat infested motel down in Elvis country
Furio: [to Paulie] where is that?
Paulie: Anywhere there are no Jews or Italians
Furio: I don't get it
David: [after coming out of his office] it's starting. It's fuckin starting
Salvatore: Get back in your office David
David: I'm opening my mail and it's a lawsuit, there's a fuckin lean on the building they're going to close me down
Tony: Davey, not fuckin now ok?
David: They're going to know after this it's fraud. I'm going to go to jail for this
Tony: [Angrily stomps towards David while shouting] get the fuck back in your fuckin hole now!
Tony: [after calming down, realizing they still David to continue their bust out scheme] Davey, you're doing a good job
Paulie: Don't worry about this witness T
Furio: [In Italian] that's true. We'll find him
Salvatore: Exactly
Paulie: You don't even know what he said
Salvatore: Fuck you. I did too
Paulie: What then?
Salvatore: I understood
Paulie: What does it mean?

- Well if an old man carries the respect of troops, you keep him around.
- I did something like that myself.
- We're cousins.
- You hungry?
- I could eat.

- Let go of me, you piece of shit!
- You're a shitty businesswoman who built a piece-of-shit house...
- That's gonna cave in and kill that fucking unborn baby any day!
- And now you can't sleep.
- Go fuck yourself!
- When I'm gone, you can live in a fucking dumpster for all I care.

- Family.
- Nothing is more important.
- That's why you gotta plan ahead.
- There's 200 in here.
- Okay.
- Same drill. To Isle of Man.
- Four days, clean as whistle.
- We drink.

- Fooling around with blondie?
- Quit it.
- Look at that guilty look on his face.
- Let him eat.
- Mr. Tough guy, huh? Come on, tough guy. Come on, tough guy.
- Jesus.
- I have calls to make.

- Unit 1, baby bing headed your way.
- Copy, control.
- Unit 2, you got bada bing headed your way.
- Excuse me. Unit 3,
- Mrs. Bing also in motion.

- To the people I love.
- Nothing else matters.
- Hear, hear.
- Whoa, slow down, slow down.
- Supposed to savor it.
- It's important in life.

- Oh, shit.
- Down with legislation!
- What are you doing?
- This is a peaceful demonstration here.
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey! Everybody, get over here!
- Get him out of here.

- Cake pan?
- Meadow, I have a lot to do today.
- Hello?
- I'm making dessert, to help?
- Seems like a nice guy.
- Yep.

- What?
- John, what's wrong?
- I can't listen to this bullshit.
- I'm trying to explain.
- Fuck you!
- John, please...
- Don't fucking "John" me!
- Hey, hey, we're trying to settle this.
- It's not about that.
- I'm sorry, carmine. I can't be in the same room with this man.

- I gotta start spending a lot more time on the floor. Crack the whip.
- I'm beat, tell you the truth.
- I think I'm gonna grab 40 winks till patsy gets here.
- Wait, you don't have Chrissy's cell, do you?
- He called, but he didn't leave a new number.
- He'll probably try you again.
- He's due back tomorrow.

- Is he around?
- Chrissy? No.
- He don't come around here no more, you know that.
- That Baldwin was pretty good, huh?
- He was a mean fuck.
- I'll give him that.
- And that girl that played the fiancée, she was hot.
- You know, the one he was fucking.

Janice: [after seeing him upset] What's the matter?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Jackie Aprile is man who loved knowledge, when he was dying of the cancer, he was praying his son would go to medical school. If he knew he dropped out of college... it'll break his heart
Janice: It didn't hurt the Beatles, Bill Gates: his uncle Richie is looking out for him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Richie's son pursuing a career path as a ballroom dancer] He should deal with his own son
Janice: Hey, don't do that. You know his taking AJ to the dirt bike championship at Giants Stadium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: AJ can't go: he got a C in Algebra
Janice: does Carmela know about this?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, you really wanna know? I don't want him around my kids
Janice: Who? Richie?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods] You heard me
Janice: The fuck are you talking about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Ask Gia Gaeta
Janice: Richie told me all about that, the transmission slipped out of gear. Richie's lucky he didn't crushed by the car too and for your information, Beansie Gaeta owed him major dollars for ten years and Richie wasn't asking for the interest
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Why not?
Janice: And if we're so awful, why are you throwing us an engagement party?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Because you're my sister and I try to do what's right. Anyway, it's my wife's thing
Janice: Does right include planking that little Russian girl of yours on the side?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [irritated] You know what? Being that I am, be a fuckin codependent to a fuckin shitbag, what the fuck do I care?
Janice: You know, you just can't stand to see me happy, can you? You motherfucker

Ralph: I represent a group of concerned citizens who are very upset about this protest your "spear heading", no pun intended
Professor: Who do you represent?
Ralph: Italians here in New Jersey, good people "family" people and they asked me to tell you that it's not in your best interest to go through with this fuckin thing
Professor: Well, if you've come here to intimidate me? You don't know much about Indian resolve
Maggie: Del, should I call security?
Professor: No
Ralph: [Showing him a poster of Iron Eyes Cody] you remember this guy?
Professor: Iron Eyes Cody, he was an actor in the movies
Ralph: [Listing some of movies he was in] Son of Paleface, Sitting Bull. Your fuckin poster boy. Part Cherokee, part Cree. Wasn't even a fuckin Indian. Second generation Sicilian from Louisiana named Espera DeCorti
Professor: Well, I think you better leave now
Ralph: The guy's a total fuckin phony, total fugazi but he kept it quiet. Well, we're not going to. You keep up with your bullshit, we're going to go wide with this thing
Professor: Knock yourself out
Professor: [after Ralphie leaves, to his assistant] Jesus Christ is this true? This is a fuckin disaster
Maggie: [Rubs his arm to conform him] chill out. You didn't know about this? It's been on Access Hollywood, E!
Professor: [Interrupts her] this is a major PR boner
Maggie: Del, it's been researched: Cody was definitely a Native American, a total environmentalist
Professor: Are you sure about this?
Maggie: Look Del, I'm one eighth Italian myself
Professor: You are? You never told me that

- Jas, you let me handle this.
- I don't want to see you get hurt.
- The carting business...
- It's a different corporate culture.
- You're tired, t.
- We'll leave. Come on.
- All right. Bye, Tony.

Tony: [referring to attacking Phil's crime family] We gotta hit first
Tony: [referring to agent Harris giving him information on Phil Leotardo] This hooked up tells me all the information I got that this cocksucker already has a target on my back
Silvio: It's a big move
Tony: [asking Bobby for his opinion] So?
Bobby: When he stuck you with the tab on Vito Jr., I said let it go. Obviously, truth is, a fuck like Phil, appeasement don't work

Junior: [During a sit down meeting over the speakerphone] Ralph insulted John's wife?
Johnny: That's correct
Junior: What did he do exactly?
Johnny: He made a very hurtful remark that's not worth repeating
Silvio: Let's point out too it's only been "alleged" on what he said
Johnny: He "allegedly" said what he said to a group of people: "friends of ours"
Junior: If you weren't there how do you know it's true?
Johnny: I'm not at liberty to say
Tony: With all due respect but this is bullshit somebody in my family is talking out of school and you don't have the liberty to who? I should be making the beef here
Junior: My nephew's right
Johnny: I want to average her honor, this is my right to do
Tony: Alright fine you bring in here who ever told you, if he collaborates with what you're saying I'll give you ralph on a platter
Johnny: Is nothing scared? What happened to this thing? If this was years ago would I even have to ask? We bend more rules than the Catholic Church
Tony: Let's just say for the of argument ralph said what he said is clipping him going to un-ring that bell?
Carmine: Nobody's getting clipped
Johnny: I want satisfaction
Silvio: Will you accept an apology?
Johnny: That ship that has sailed
Carmine: Your being unreasonable John
Johnny: Ralph's the only one who can handle the Esplanade? Put the other guy in
Carmine: There's millions of dollars are at stake
Johnny: Again with the money?
Carmine: Yeah, again with the money, it's settled name a price or the fuck over it
[John leaves]

- Jennifer...
- Civilization...
- Don't worry.
- I'm not going to break the social compact.
- But that's not saying there's not a certain satisfaction in knowing...
- That I could have that asshole squashed like a bug.
- If I wanted.

- Is it possible he knows where Phil leotardo is?
- I want to try to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt.
- I'm just saying, if you heard anything from your pal...
- I haven't.
- I figured maybe money's sent to the middle east.
- You're overreaching.

- I can't believe it. I mean,
- I knew it would happen, but...
- So now can we get out of here, you know?
- Get a big loft, maybe?
- You're giving notice today.
- You wish.
- The wife of a made guy doesn't hostess.
- I'm so proud of you.
- I love you, Christopher.
- You better.

- What the fuck?
- I got him, didn't I?
- Yeah. Fuck!
- Maybe he's stunned.

- Fucking stunad, this guy.
- Did you like the bread?
- What?
- The datenut bread.
- I have recipes...
- Hey, sweetheart, not now, alright?

- ."Fifleen.
- Good.
- My son was a big help in all this.
- I want you always to remember that.
- Even after I'm gone.
- But I'm not going no place.
- Healthy as a fucking rhino, this guy.
- You stay that way.

- I'll be back in a little while.
- Stay, wait.
- I'm gonna get cigarettes. Be right back.
- Smoke mine.
- Don't smoke. You'll want a vodka.
- What?
- Come on.
- I love you, baby.
- I love you.

- What are those, tic tacs?
- I just found them.
- I didn't know I had them on me.
- Give me some!
- There ain't no more. I ate them.
- I'm dying here!
- Then fucking die already.
- Where you going?
- I'm eating those berries.
- I'm telling you, they're poison.
- At least I won't die hungry.

- Yeah, well, fuck him and his highfalutin bullshit.
- Who does he think he is, sir Walter Raleigh?
- That's enough of you and your stupid fucking remarks!
- Go back to Miami and play volleyball, whatever the fuck you do down there...
- While we clean up your fucking mess!
- Maybe even keep your ass alive.

- I'll wait in the car.
- I'll wait in the car.
- Now what's the matter?
- Nothing.
- Are you coming?
- Yeah.
- Hi. How are you both?

- Look, like I said, maybe I don't want to admit there's something wrong...
- But if he's got this thing...
- We'll deal with it.
- If he had polio, we'd deal with it.
- You pick up the pieces and you go on from there.
- So that's what we're gonna do.

- Been sliding this stupid bill in and out of the cigarette machine for like an hour.
- An hour? I bet you can go longer than that.
- Listen to you. Why do you always talk like a whore?
- Because men like it.
- Yeah?
- I think you're right about that.

Stokley: I reviewed your chart so I ruled out any internal injuries so your free to go. I'll have the nurse process your discharge orders
Tony: [Before he walks away] whoa, whoa this was a very bad accident. I mean are you sure you did all the tests? I can afford it
Stokley: I did the "appropriate" tests. I have a medical degree from John Hopkins, my grandmother was the first black woman licensed to practice medicine in Delaware
Tony: Alright, take it easy. The young lady I was with, they said she was ok, but can I see her?

- Dad, it's uncle sil!
- I gotta get that.
- Say hello to Janelle.
- I'll walk you out, bri.
- Hang it up, a.J.!
- Hey.
- What happened?

- It should look like a carjack.
- See? That's why you came to us.
- That's some stereotyping shit.
- He goes mall-walking inside king's Plaza.
- 7:00 am, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- Regular.
- Macy's entrance,
- Avenue u and flatbush.
- You got the down payment?

- Bobby.
- Go down by the cellar door, see if murf left the envelope under the flagstone.
- He wouldn't have been around today.
- I'll go look later.
- Do it now. Is that asking so much?
- I just went through the trial of my life.

Carmela: [talking loudly from the kitchen counter] We're not eating at home tonight I thought we'd go to Holsten's
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [in the living room of the Soprano home] You said we'd have Cannelloni
Carmela: I have meetings with carpenters

- All this shit's for nothing?
- If it's for nothing, why must I think about it?
- That's the mystery, isn't it?
- The mystery of god, or whatever you want to call it...
- And why we're given the questionable gift...
- Of knowing that we're gonna die.

- I just put her house on the market.
- Oh.
- Lookuu
- I'm glad you're here. Okay?
- You want to play Florence nightingale, that's your choice.
- Only this is the last time we mention her in this house.
- Okay.

- It's on again possibly.
- You, maybe people close to you.
- If it was solid, you would've been warned officially...
- But my colleague in Brooklyn, the one with the collaborator...
- Snitch is implying the wheels have been set in motion.
- Implying.

Christopher: [singing from inside his car as he pulls up to the guys at the no-work construction site] If I were a carpenter and you were a douche-bag...

- Good, kid. Introduce him to his desk.
- Take an anger management course.
- Fucking racial slurs.
- Why you doing this to me?
- That's what you get for using a baseball bat.
- Let's go, kid.

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And you were feeling so positive
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It "flushed" over me
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You are dissolving a twenty year marriage
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It's not my mother fuckin God damn marriage ok? I had another panic attack and I thought I had this shit beat
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What happened?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I was playing golf with a friend of mine. He was talking about this young guy who passed away. I guess I became overcome with emotion because they had to help me off the tee. It's not the first time it's happened recently.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I wish you had told me
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, I wished you cured it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When the attacks first reappeared, what was going on in your life?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You'd just reap off my affections
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: When you actually passed out, were you thinking about me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My cousin moved into my house and the cleaning girl was crying on the phone about her cousin went off the road in some Mexican bus wreck or something and I remember feeling inside on how I wanted to fuckin choke her because it was always something going on with her, then the next thing boom!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Your cousin was at your house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: "Tony uncle" whatever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Correcting her] Uncle Al
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And your maid was crying about her cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The other day at the golf course my cousin came into my head too
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In what way?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: He hurt his foot
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You were so concerned about your cousin's foot you collapsed on the golf course? His a grown man isn't he? Is he in danger of losing his foot?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck his foot, it's not the foot, forget the foot. I worry about him, his right out of jail ok? Look, the reason he went to jail is because he got pinched hijacking a truck of TV's in 1996 and they hooked him on a RICO and he got 17 years and I was supposed to be there the night of the hijacking
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, you see
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Why didn't you go?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I got jumped by a bunch of Moulinyans, they were trying to take my shoes and I fought them off. They fuckin cut my head open, the fuckin jiggaboo cock suckin mother fuckers...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Interrupts him] ok forget that, and your cousin went to prison, that's tremendous guilt to carry
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the military classification that is given to someone trying to join the military indicating that person is not acceptable for service because of medical reasons] If he went to Nam, I was 4-F and that's how our friends look at it
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: And that's why you favored tony Uncle Al
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know in 17 years I did so good, he lost his wife, and his daughter
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: No wonder why your having anxiety attacks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Maybe if you came clean with him...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before beginning to breathe deeply, nods] yeah well
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You ok?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, go on with what you were saying
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Are you having an attack now?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, I had a huge lunch that's all, it's gas
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it Anthony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Alright, the night he got pinched I had a fuckin panic attack from my mother God damn it. I didn't know what it was then

Devin: I "pictured" your house different, I figured it'd be like Don Corleone's compound with gates and walls with a big old Cadillac, isn't that stupid?
A.J. Soprano: [referring to the sequel of The Godfather, jokingly] our place in Tahoe looks like Michael's in 2
Devin: [impressed] wow, really?
A.J. Soprano: [smiles] no, we don't have a place in Tahoe: we have a boat though
Devin: I'm like a gangster dude's girlfriend

- I thought you were sick.
- Go to bed.
- I'll see you later.
- Maybe too much.
- Don't think I want any less.
- Do you love me?
- I think I do.

Tony: [Meeting privately in a car] I thought you weren't coming
Agent: You don't want to know
Tony: Actually I do
Agent: We had Intel that a Sulafa cell was at Newark Airport boarding some man into a 767 to London
Tony: Your right I don't want to know
Agent: We get this all the time our source was either wrong or it done to study our response time
Tony: It happens all the time?
Agent: What's up my friend?
Tony: My kid is obsessed with this shit his making a molar out of this, is he right?
Agent: [Harris' cell phone rings and answers it] Hey, probably another hour just leave it out I'll heat it up then don't leave it out, what do you want me to say?
[hangs up]
Tony: You got tough enough of a job with this terrorism shit I'll let you get home, the reason I called is because those two Arabs that turned you onto when I happened to remember my nephew mentioned a bank that they had an account a branch Demeter Merchant Bank
Agent: You just remembered that?
Tony: Yeah
Agent: Thanks
Tony: I know you that friend in the Brooklyn office is it possible he knows where Phil Leotardo is? I want to avoid any more of my guys getting hurt
[Harris chuckles]
Tony: I'm just saying if you heard anything from your pal
Agent: I haven't
Tony: I figured money sent to the Middle East
Agent: You're overreaching
[Tony leaves]

- Coming out.
- To sil, to the doctor, how about a winner this time?
- How much is he into us for?
- About 45 boxes of ziti.
- He grabbed ten while you slept.
- He said you okayed it.
- Go get that.

- I was his best friend.
- Don't bust my balls.
- I gotta go make a stop in nutley.
- Come here.
- I love you.
- You're a good boy.

Tony: How's your brother in law?
Anthony: [Implying Silvio should leave the room so they can talk privately] John's fuckin made of steel. I was told your ears only?
Tony: [Referring to the expensive roller ball pen he gave to Tony and making a joke] oh, that's why he didn't get a pen?
Anthony: [Nervously] no
Silvio: [Before leaving the room] his fuckin with you Anthony. Johnny's a silent partner in this heavy equipment leasing thing down in New Orleans
Tony: Good, Fema is down there handing out Krugerrands in buckets
Anthony: He said post Katrina you had some knowledge of business in the area
Tony: Well, let's just say that's another universe
Anthony: On the account of John's asset freeze, he'd love for you to contact these brothers: the owners, says Phil Leotardo shouldn't be involved, and John's asking as a friend. Obviously there's be a finder's fee for you

Tony: [to Gigi, referring to his user name on his laptop computer] Log off, that cookies shit makes me nervous.

- But I just did that thing.
- That's not my department.
- Well, can I talk to Tony at least?
- I wouldn't bother him.
- He's out on the new boat.
- Does he think
- I'm gonna talk about shit up here, with what I've done, what I just did?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Any idea what my life would be worth if people knew I was in a laughing academy?

Tony: [to Carmela regarding the bear] What, you trying to prove your independence? This ain't "Little House on the Fuckin' Prairie!" Those things are dangerous!

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I feel for you males. It's our goddamn fault you don't know how to act.
Randall: Oh! Admitting mistakes?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: We tell you to be more sensitive, you join Promise Keepers. We say get in touch with your feelings, you run off into the woods in a loincloth gunking yourself with bear fat beating a drum.
Randall: Hey, don't ruin my evening.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: You know what I mean.
Randall: Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.

- that experience made me appreciate life.
- It's short. It could end at any time, and if you've got the chance to do something that might make you happy, you should take it, you know, like when you left binghamton.

- Hello.
- Hello, it's Svetlana.
- That slut sow stole my leg.
- The fuck is this? You owe me $300!
- I ain't using. Chris, I got mugged...
- That's it! I want my money!
- I want my money!
- Fuck!

- Two tickets to see your padres take a beating from the yanks tonight.
- Shit.
- Third-base line. Plus, it's bat night.
- That's really nice, vito, but I...
- Don't know if I can...
- Don't pull that "aw, shucks" shit with me. You're fucking going.
- I'll see you under the bat tonight.
- Seven sharp.
- And I don't like to miss the national anthem.

- Where is he?
- He's in your office, on the phone with his girlfriend.
- Hey, ton, how's it going?
- You can take the night off. I'll spell you.
- No, no, no, ton, that's all right.
- It's okay, really.
- I'll take over, okay, for tonight.
- Okay, well, night, Mrs. S.
- Good night, Benny. Thank you.

U.S. Attorney: You prefer Corrado or Junior?
Corrado: I prefer Mr. Soprano.
U.S. Attorney: Your tenure as boss was a short one. Actually, it was unusual in several ways. Let me put this to you as simply as I can. You can avoid sentencing on these charges if you will testify that in fact, you were not the boss of North Jersey, that in fact, your nephew Anthony Soprano was and is. That he de facto controlled your capos with the backing of two of the New York families communicating through their emissary, John Sacrimoni. We want Johnny Sack. But more than him, we want Mangano and Teresi.
Corrado: I want to fuck Angie Dickinson, let's see who gets lucky first.

- It's amazing. You want me to be honest?
- The favoritism Tony still shows for our fucking cousin...
- After what he's done?
- What does Tony b. Have on this guy?
- I'm supposed to take a bullet for this skive.
- After all your uncle's done for you,
- I need to get into specifics?

- Yes?
- The Tony soprano wiretap has been neutralized.
- What do you mean?

- Okay. You watch me, you do the same.
- Everybody, come on.
- Everybody, come on.
- That's it.
- God, I'm such a spaz.
- No, no, you're good. Come.
- Meadow.
- Come on.

- Oh, Tony, I hate to ruin the party.
- Got a call from loiaco down at brokerage.
- "Chip and Dale" sent one of the brokers...
- To the emergency room.
- Oh, fuck me! These kids!
- My fucking nephew, right?
- You call him and tell him
- I want to see him right away.

- We thought we were gonna have to talk to each other or read a book.
- The usual, guys?
- Are we boring?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Here's yourjohnnycakes.
- I gotta warn you, they're addictive.
- They look good.

- Does Christopher know?
- You kidding me? He'd kill him.
- Not really, I mean...
- You know, he'd be angry.
- I'm supposed to meet my mom.
- Go ahead.
- Thank you.

- Glad I have your fucking approval.
- Whatever you say, cappy.
- Here it is. For you, junior, and anybody the fuck else.
- Gigi's captain.
- He gave the order.
- Iokayedit end of fucking story.
- Tony, no offense.
- Obviously it's your call.
- Yeah, obviously.

- Yeah, that would be the healthy choice.
- Healthy for who?
- Why would I trust somebody who would leave me holding my cock like this?
- I shouldn't have heard that either.
- Well, there you go.
- There's the fucking problem.
- John.
- I still consider you a dear, dear friend.

- Motherfucker!
- Fuck!

- UN-fucking-believable.
- Buffalo! Fucking-a! [Cheers]
- Listen to this fucking guy.
- Probably won $35 down there.
- Final score, buffalo 28, tampa bay 24.
- Skip, another beer?
- No. No, no, I'm gonna go take a snooze.

- You're too distracted with work.
- This is partly your fault.
- Call me later if you can't sleep.
- Love you.
- Love you.
- Good morning.

Christopher: [Talking to each at other in the restaurant] my heart's still pounding
Paulie: You're doing real good year with the sports book
Christopher: Yeah it's been good
Paulie: I'm going to give it to you, it's yours
Christopher: I was wondering when it was going to be
Paulie: The only thing is: there's a 6 grand minimum every week. I've got to get something out of this, but 6 grand, that can be a lot or a little, it all depends on you and how much business you bring in
Christopher: I love you Paulie, we're in it together now
Paulie: I love you too kid

- Look, your dad's gone, okay?
- You're the man of the house now.
- Start fucking acting like it.
- You get me?

- It's so simple for you, isn't it?
- It's simple for everybody who isn't expecting things to be handed to them.
- Even Finn got a job working construction.
- Well, good for Finn, then.
- There are options in life.
- Isn't that what you always told me?
- You have options.
- I have a lawyer.

Tony: [after entering his office] "Hey", yourself, what the fuck John?
Johnny: I got nothing to say
Tony: You got nothing to say?
Tony: [Referring to Donny K. after John assaulted him] the fuckin kid is in intensive care
Johnny: I thought he worked for Ralph?
Tony: And Ralph works for me, so I ask you again, what the fuck?
Johnny: Let's suffice that I know and Carmine knows that "boppy" cocksucker is holding out on us: Fernandez Paving, Ralph's contracting company. My guy went over the receipts for the water proofing at the Esplanade, this fuckin Ralph is more creative than Spielberg. His off almost four grand, third time in a row now. We agreed no looting the job site
Tony: First of all, that hasn't been established, second of all, this is how you handle it?
Johnny: Consider it a "message."
Tony: His in Miami, they got phones down there the last time I checked
Johnny: His got a bad history Tony, cute cocksucker could wind up dead
Tony: What're you saying here?
Johnny: His a two-faced fuckin prick
Tony: I thought Ralph was your friend?
Johnny: Right, that's rich, did you hear what my "friend" said about my wife? Made a crack about Ginny's weight, something about her having a ninety pound mole on her ass?
Tony: Well, that's deplorable. Who told you this?
Johnny: What's important is that it was said
Tony: If he did say it, I didn't hear it because he knows better to make a remark like that when I'm around
Johnny: She's fighting a weight problem since the kids were born: Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, fasting, she works very fuckin hard
Tony: You telling me how hard it is?
Johnny: It's different for women, body image, and self-esteem. I'll you though, I never had a problem with Ginny's weight: to me she's beautiful. "Rubenesque." That woman is my life. To think she's being mocked
Tony: Alright John I'm not going to sit here and deny that Ralph could be a fuckin asshole and that was a horrible thing to say. Well even if it was said, you can't be serious about him winding up you know...
Johnny: She's the mother of my children
Tony: I know she is John. I know she is. At least hear Ralph out? How long we go back? All of us?
Johnny: The kid last night: he was laughing
Tony: About this?
Johnny: I don't know

- What do you want?
- To use this sad occasion...
- To put bitterness and sore-headed feelings aside.
- I'll behave how Tony wants.
- I don't want to add to his stress.
- There they are.
- Hi, uncle jun.
- How's that surfboard I gave you?
- Tony's waiting.

- Family? I told you.
- They're a glorified crew.
- Whatever they are, carmine, the sopranos bring in a lot of cash.
- I've been close with Tony for a lot of years.
- On reflection, maybe that's the sticking post.
- Tony feels you're friends, not business associates.
- See? What am I always saying?
- I hate this fucking shit!

- So what the hell's wrong with me?
- My guess is simple gas.
- I always say he's full of hot air.
- Pharmacy's down the hall.
- They will give you some antacid.
- Take care.
- Arrogant prick.
- Nervous Nellie.
- That's what you are.

- Thank you.
- Look at him.
- Douche bag. Good for you!
- Send them a bottle of montepulciano.
- Get the license plate of these two guys sitting behind Artie.
- They look like cops.

Tony: [after leaving the meeting, shouting, pounding the steering wheel in anger] what the fuck did I say?
Christopher: I'm sorry T, I just thought...
Tony: Now I've got to un-fuck what you just fucked up, I've got to do something nice to John, like what? What the fuck am I suppose to do? You've got to understand this shit between Johnny and Little Carmine is bad: the instability but worse comes to worse, it could work to our advantage
Christopher: How?
Tony: If they fight we pick up any crumbs from the fallout. The odds are Johnny will end up on top but who knows? So keep your ears open and keep your mouth shut!

- I'll never get over it.
- Certain people...
- Let me tell you.
- Oh, come on, not sil again.
- Carmela.
- He's a fucking vegetable.
- But I still gotta pay tribute to the Princess of little Italy.
- The boss' wife. What are you gonna do?
- Fuck her.

Christopher: You wanted to see me?
Tony: Adriana ok?
Christopher: Fine
Tony: [while handing him a pencil he used to scrap off animal feces from his shoes] people who don't clean up after their pets: pop this into that basket over there will ya? Its blind luck that accident. The cop told me he thought he was coming up to a fatality when he saw the car. I'd be thinking the same thing if I were you. But it's not true
Christopher: I don't know what you're talking about
Tony: Her car was in the shop. I was driving her home from work, that's all
Christopher: In Dover?
Tony: What difference does it make? You don't seem to give a shit she almost died. She could've been scarred up or paralyzed and you got a puss on?
Christopher: What were you doing out there alone in the car with my fiancée?
Tony: We were talking about you. You selfish prick, and how you were the best thing that ever happened to her
Christopher: Oh, you don't think this fuckin devastates me?
Tony: Frankly you scored so far over your head when you got her, what'd you expect?
Christopher: The fuck you talking about?
Tony: She's a knockout: a ten, and look at you. Your average at best so you better reconcile yourself with that or your going to be paranoid your whole life
Christopher: So, this is my fuckin fault now?
Tony: Nothing happened. I'm not going to say it again. You should've married that girl two years ago
Christopher: Everyone knows you've been the biggest cooze hound the past four, five years. Your midlife crisis: you'd fuck a catcher's mitt
Tony: On everything I hold sacred. On my children, there's nothing on with me and Adriana

- It was good.
- Tired, though.
- You wanna take a nap?
- Smells good.
- Downy fresh.
- God, this feels great.
- It does.

- You want the macaroons?
- I don't care.
- Leave some out for the lunatics.

- Ai, this is a big fucking mix-up.
- I thought Paulie called you.
- The guy's waiting.
- So you break in?
- I got a silent alarm goes right to my house.
- He'll take care of you. Don't worry.
- Let me talk to my son-in-law.
- Chris?
- Fine by me, but if I were you, I wouldn't make a problem where there ain't one.

Jim: [on the phone] Hello?
Vito: Hi!
Jim: Fuck you!
Vito: I know, look...
Jim: Not a word. Not a note. What kind of person are you?
Vito: You're right, I'm sorry.
Jim: You need help. You're seriously fucked up!
Vito: I got kids, I couldn't live without them.
Jim: Bullshit! It was the fucking life that you couldn't live without. The gambling, the money, who knows what else!
Vito: You're right. I didn't want to drag you into this pit I'm in.
Jim: Hey, fuck that! Everybody else is stupid to you, aren't they?
Vito: No!
Jim: You can live and throw it down in fucking Jersey. Everybody kisses your ass!
Vito: I miss you.
Jim: I don't wanna know you! I don't want to hear your voice. Don't ever call me again!
[hangs up]

Tony: You knock off early, we, uh, go back to your place, christen those new sheets you were telling me about.
Lori: The man with the plan, huh?
Tony: Uh, the man with the erection.

Ralphie: Now that you've moved back home, are you gonna be humping Tony Soprano's little girl on our couch?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Fuck her! And Tony, too, with his stay-in-school bullshit. He could have reached out to somebody at Rutgers.
Ralphie: [mocking] He should break the dean's legs, 'cause you're too lazy to read a fuckin' book.

Phil: Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?
Tony: No.
Phil: Well, give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.

- Creep forward.
- Give us some magnification.
- That baby's gonna blow.
- Tony got about six months left on that lining.
- A shame we can't warn him.
- During his trial we can inform him.
- Except that's at least a year from now.
- By that time, boom!
- Okay, now you see that lamp there?

- Yeah, I wanted to show you this.
- It's the hat I told you about.
- Jfk's.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Look at this.
- May I?
- Yeah.

- Talk to Paulie here.
- He'll tell you about fair!
- Absolutely.
- You're worse than my son!
- Get him the fuck outta here!
- Hey!
- How was I supposed to know?
- My family kept me in the dark.
- What kind of pathetic fuckin' excuse is that?! Don't you communicate?
- You make me sick, you fucking baby.

- Janice got laid. She took off.
- Shelaughed at all this shit.
- Then the trip's over and she's back and she's one of us.
- And she wants her piece.
- Well, let me tell you, she gets nothing!
- 'Cause I got the scars!
- So it's mine!

- How much you paying for your call?
- I can sell you a thousand hours.
- See this card?
- Sells for twenty dollars.
- I'll give it to you for...
- Seven.

- You don't think you keep mentioning him every 24 hours at a minimum?
- Because he's thinking of becoming an oral surgeon.
- And you might've had a new friend...
- If you hadn't been so obnoxious to him at the club!
- Can we just stop fighting?
- You got out a suitcase!
- I'll put it back, okay?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, I was thinking about you.
Svetlana: So you're drunk already.

Principal: [In his office, to AJ and Egon, showing them their tests] imagine neither of you ever got so much as a passing grade on any geometry test and then the mid-term. Sister Agnes shared these with me: both of you ninety-six percent. Remarkable, I'd like to call your parents and share the good news with them
A.J. Soprano: Oh, you really don't have to
Principal: What do you want to tell me? If you cooperate now, it'll be easier later
Principal: [Referring to the janitor] I don't have to waste my time with you, it was both your urine that Mr. Lugumo spent two hours scrubbing. Your DNA was an exact match
Egon: [Begins to cry] oh, Jesus
A.J. Soprano: His the one who peed first! I didn't even have to pee until he did it. I could take another test. You can watch me

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as AJ walks down the stairs in a military uniform] oh, Sgt. Bilko
Carmela: [Chastising him for teasing AJ] Tony
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Your right. I'm sorry. You shouldn't get too gloomy about this
Carmela: [Admiring him his appearance] My God Anthony, you know what? You look very handsome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: She's right. You do
A.J. Soprano: Yeah, right
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the slang term for the latissimus dorsi muscles] No, I'm serious. Tight suit like that shows off your lats
Carmela: Put on the hat?
A.J. Soprano: No way
Carmela: Please? You look so cute at the store
A.J. Soprano: They're not going to sew the hat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Put the hat on for your mother
A.J. Soprano: No!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Quickly stands up from the couch] what'd you say?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after AJ put on the hat] Now, look at that. I'm serious you look very impressive
Carmela: My God, if I wasn't already married
A.J. Soprano: [after looking at himself in the mirror] I look like a total jerk-off
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You do not. What're you crying?
A.J. Soprano: I don't want to go there
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You need toughing up
Carmela: [while trying to adjust the bottom of his slacks] stand up straight
A.J. Soprano: I'm standing fuckin straight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pointing at him] hey, you keep it up God damn it!

- Really?
- What's this gotta do with clubs?
- Hollywood and gossip columns, the nightspots.
- And you get some real-world experience under your belt...
- You come see me and we will talk about me investing in a club.
- Run that past rahoony, see what she says.

- This is me asking you.
- Why don't you get out?!
- Come on.
- Get the fuck out, go!
- Let's go!
- Come on, come on!

Agent: [after seeing Adriana with many cuts and bruises on her face] Jesus Christ
Adriana: Don't get all excited, most of it was from the accident
Agent: You ok?
Adriana: What'd you fuckin think? Kicked out of my house, have Ulcerative colitis, and you call me up
Agent: We'd like your permission to put a listening device in your business. This relationship with Tony could net us a lot of chatter, don't forget it's him we're after
Adriana: There is no relationship
Agent: The faster we can put Tony away, the sooner you can get on with your life. We can get a court order to install the device but this way it will be a lot simpler
Adriana: Fuck you. I do enough for you people. You're not bugging my club
Agent: [Referring to Christopher] Adriana, it's a syndrome: protecting abusers
Adriana: If it had been Christopher alone in the car with a woman, I would have killed him

Carmela: [while bringing him a cup of coffee] here, I made it with a lot of milk and sugar: it's a lot more comforting that way
Carmela: [seeing him upset, rubbing his shoulder] you sure you don't want some eggs or an English muffin, or something? You're coming back?
Furio: I hope so: Immigration, they make problems
Carmela: maybe Tony can help with that?
Furio: yeah
Tony: [after coming down the stairs] the hell you still doing here? I thought you were flying out to Naples?
Furio: I just drop off the shirts from Patsy's guy
Tony: alright, but you should be on your way to see your old man
Furio: Cancer is everywhere in his body: cancer don't respect nothing. You know it started in his lungs...
Tony: [interrupts him, hands him a roll of cash] you need any money?
Furio: I'm good
Carmela: [to Furio] Please call and let us know
Furio: [to Tony] I'm sorry, your gonna have to get someone else to drive you tonight
Tony: Not a problem: go

- What?
- I'm on a 9 am. Flight to Miami.
- I have to get things in line down there.
- John...
- You think I'm gonna give you ammazz with Ginny upstairs?
- If you don't hear from me, I'll be there.
- Tony. You and you alone.
- I'm not having Phil. Nobody.
- Who is it?
- It's me.

Martina: [talking privately] What is it? You're looking at me very seriously
Artie: Remember I had that friend that was going to help you "speed" through the Green Card process?
Artie: [after she nods] "Apparently", it's not happening
Martina: why?
Artie: "Too much on his plate" he said. I guess your gonna just have to do it yourself, I'm sorry
Martina: All those forms: shit me
Artie: I wish I could help you... but really, it's a small inconvenience to live in freedom, right?
Martina: [before he walks away] Yes, I know this

- I'm telling you, my business,
- I'm around a lot of women.
- That one ain't getting laid.

- Ton, I'm so sorry to hear.
- What're you gonna do?
- I know how you feel.
- We lost mom last year.
- You remember.

- Presenters get about $30,000 worth of merchandise in those baskets.
- That's a year's salary for some people.
- Go figure.
- Hopefully we can spread some of that lolly around.
- We'll get you that script.

- I don't need your permission.
- It's not permission, it's just an idea.
- You know what?
- Fine, I'll hang up.
- Well if the trip is as bland as this phone call.
- There's nothing going on.
- What do you want me to say to you, seriously?

Tony: You wanted to see me?
Johnny: You can tell Ralph I've decided to accept his apology
Tony: That kid you pissed on, Donnie K: his got fuckin nerve damage on his left side
Johnny: I'm sorry Tony
Tony: I bet you are
Johnny: I'll expect to hear from Ralph
Tony: Why the big reversal all of a sudden?
Johnny: No more weight remarks Tony. Their hurtful and their destructive
Tony: Oh I agree

- We'll see.
- Wait a minute!
- I don't like that kind of talk!
- Now just stop it, it upsets me!
- Or I won't tell you anything anymore.
- If this is true, Livia, you know what I... I mean...
- I'm the boss, for Christ sake!
- If I don't act, blood or no...

- Hmm, I know.
- I wish someone could convince aj of that.
- I keep thinking he could start over in college but who knows if he's even gonna get the chance.
- He will.
- All our students matriculate.

- He's a strong kid, Chrissy.
- He's tough.
- Very resilient.
- Why are you crying?
- He's gonna be fine.

- Hey.
- The rotor on the washing machine broke.
- Carm said I could use yours.
- Clean out the filter this time.
- Disgusting.

- What?
- I don't know.
- You getting called like this and going off all happy. I worry, that's all.
- You've seen too many movies.

- Where's your office, in the back?
- You should play skynyrd.
- It smells in here.
- Mold.
- Stuff can kill you, I read.
- Fuck that.
- What the fuck you think cheese is?
- Mold.
- Holy...!
- You okay?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to Ralph] Who got you those no-show jobs? And not a word of gratitude
Paulie: [sarcastically] e's a saint: You forget the thousand incidents with that guy?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while showing the envelop of money Ralph gave him, referring to Ralph's son hospitalized after an accident] A kid in the hospital, just take a look on how he fuckin earns
Paulie: [referring to the prank phone call his mother received] I know it was that miserable prick that called ma at the home: they had to put her on Xanax just so she could sleep. She was in the hospital unit for nervous bowl syndrome
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whatever "happened" there, "that" was fucked up
Paulie: [surprised, irritated by Tony's lack of concern] Fucked up?
Christopher: You don't know it was him
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [gestures to Christopher] Listen to your friend here
Paulie: And I'll promise you something else: on my old man's grave, I get proof it was him, he's a fuckin corpse
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's killing anybody
Paulie: All due respect, there's a "line in the sand" when it comes to mothers
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You lay a hand on him, and your gonna answer to me: if you can quote the rules, you can fuckin obey them, you hear me?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [when he doesn't respond] Don't just look at me, this is a business: did you hear what I said?

- Yeah?
- We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr. Petraglia...
- But there's a Mr. Mantovani to see you.
- He says it's urgent.
- Send him up.

Valentina: [In the hospital room, after Tony just told her he's going back to live at home with Carmela] I'll kill myself!
Tony: [his phone rings] I gotta take this.

- But if I was you, I'd dump this job.
- I'd go to Italy.
- This is no way for a caretaker to live.
- Well, a few things have to settle down first.
- My cousin will send me funds to go through Canada.
- Italy, wow. Nice cousin.

- I'm sure that made him into the man he is today.
- Are you ashamed of him?
- Yeah, actually I am.
- The coward's way out.
- Isn't that what they call it?
- I think whoever said that didn't understand depression.
- But you do, don't you?

- One week. That's where
- I picked up this yoga shit.
- It's working. You seem very supple.
- I'm doing a lot of stretching.
- So you back now?
- My mom's at St. erasmus. A stroke.
- Sorry to hear that.
- Tony didn't say anything about it.
- Guess we're all getting a little old.
- Only if that's our choice.

- How nice.
- Yeah, it's beautiful.
- The offer's still there.
- You put some out on the street...
- At two points, we split the interest. Nice?
- I can't do the math.
- I'm an artiste.
- Get out of here.
- Good job, girls!

Christopher: I'm going to hell, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You're not going anywheres but home.
Christopher: I crossed over to the other side.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You what?
Christopher: I saw the tunnel. And the white light. I saw my father in hell.
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here!
Christopher: And the bouncer said that I'd be there, too, when my time comes.
Paulie: What bouncer?
Christopher: The Emerald Piper. That's our hell. It's an Irish bar where it's St. Patrick's Day every day forever.

Janice: [while in his basement as he organizes his wine collection] I just wanted to say... thank you
Tony: Your welcome
Janice: [becoming emotional] No one's ever done something so...
Tony: [interrupts her] It's ok, really
Carmela: [to Tony while walking down the stairs, referring to dinner] You got the wine? We're almost ready
Carmela: [after seeing Janice crying] What happened?
Tony: [as Carmela hugs Janice] She's happy about the house
Carmela: Oh, honey, it's ok

- Don't start with the witness protection again.
- You're young, you love each other.
- You both have your health.
- Yeah, right.
- Living like this is what's costing you your insides.
- I really need a cigarette.
- Okay. Come on.

- We'll finish him and cover him with snow. You see where he went?
- He's gotta be close.
- Half his head's probably hanging off.
- There's some blood over there.
- Where is this prick?
- Sure I hit him in the head?
- Yeah, fucking positive.
- I don't see any more blood.
- It's like the trail just ended.

Paulie: [to Bobby Baccalieri] The boss of this family told you you're gonna be Santa Claus, you're Santa Claus. So, shut the fuck up about it!

- Aunt carmela's nice enough to let you guys enjoy her pool, and you wanna destroy her property.
- It's a beach chair.
- It can get wet.
- Don't get smart!
- You wanna go home?

- Meadow, you have a ups.
- It's up in your room.
- What are you doing in here?
- You've been gone all night.
- What the hell happened?

- Hi, Lorraine. I'm Billy.
- The fuck?! Jason!
- No! Jason!
- Jason!
- Oh, no!
- You were warned, Lorraine.
- The money goes up to John.

Christopher: [to Massive Genius] Hesh is the world's sweetest guy. But I've heard his opinions on giving back pieces of Israel. I can only imagine what he's gonna say about this shit.

- Look, I told you $15.
- Oh, fuck, man, come on.
- This is, like, huge, this shit.
- If you had an Oscar, maybe I could give you a little something.
- An academy award. But TV?
- What else you got?
- I don't know.
- I got a laptop in my car.
- Yeah, okay. Cool. I'll check that out.

Anthony: I was watching CNN. This story about these kids in some Iraqi hospital. How the burn unit doesn't have the right medicine or something. And then they show this story about some mall in Minnesota and these gigantic, fat people buying stuff and eating all this shit. You know, it's like my parents. You should see our house, this stupid coffee maker they got, media room. You know, then there's Blanca. Her kid hardly talks. She can't afford to send him to a decent school.
Dr. Richard Vogel: You think your feelings about Blanca in any way relate to this African boy?
Anthony: She's not black!... I mean... she's pretty tan.

- I can't stay asleep either. I'm all...
- I mean, I can laugh and cry, and I could always get the part.
- First time?
- First time. Never could keep it.
- They got onto me after a while.
- I'd lose my voice, fall down, get red in the face...
- Talk too fast and couldn't act.

Carmela: Oh thank God his alive. It's my fault Tony, my pathetic need to compete with you clouding my judgment or I would never let him stay over in New York. I knew he wasn't ready. I went against all my instincts
Tony: His eyebrows will grow back, nothing really happened
Carmela: No, you know what happened? I said "fuck it" and you know why? To get him to love me as much as he loves you
Tony: He loves you. It's just that you're his mother it's different
Carmela: I can't be the villain anymore. I mean it and I can't say "fuck it." Take him: let him live with you

- You know how tight these feds can keep it.
- Go home, get some sleep.
- You don't want to stop by the bing, get something to eat?
- Tell me, t, what do you want me to do?
- Just let me think. Come on.
- All right.

- Talk to you a minute?
- Russ? Mr. Cozzarelli?
- My partner and I cut this.
- Devotional music. It's ragged, it's a demo. Christian contemporary.
- I wish I had it for my mom's funeral.
- Tommy mottola at Sony...
- Looks like he's gonna offer us a deal.

Patrick: [to Paulie, in the dinning area of Nuovo Vesuvio] Ay, we were discussing Dreamgirls. You see it?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: You people are fucked. You're living in a dream. And you still sit here talking about the fucking Oscars? "What rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?"
Paulie: Huh?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: Yeets.
Meadow: A.J...
Tom: Yeats?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: The world... Don't you see it? I mean, Bush let Al-Qaeda escape...
Paulie: Oh!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: ...in the mountains? Then he has us invade some other country?
Jason: Let's join up, go kill some fuckin' terrorists.
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: It's more noble than watching these jack-off fantasies on TV of how we're kickin' their ass!

- You like creme anglaise?
- You bless it, I'll eat it.
- She's not coming.
- Who?
- Grandma just called.
- She started crying and hung up.
- She needs a purpose.
- She's tougher than you think.
- So, what? No fucking ziti now?

- Wood trim package,
- GPS, with everything.
- Only 7500 miles.
- I don't think it's gonna last till Saturday.
- Tomorrow? Great.
- No, I'm sorry. I can't.
- We're doing a sales meeting at lunch.
- Okay. See you. Bye.

Tony: [after Rhiannon leaves] Wouldn't kick her outta bed for purgin' cookies.

- Finally got you to come to Brooklyn, cocksucker.
- Listen to me.

Agent: [in Dwight's office] You see Metro News?
Agent: No
Agent: Your old beat: Phil Leotardo got popped

Junior: [while in his lawyer's office, referring to his running out of money] this bill, Jesus. I wish this trial would happen already, I'm hemorrhaging "spondulicks" here
Attorney: the minimalization process could be very good for us: we hire experts to study the wiretap tapes, former Bureau guys, very thorough. If they find "abuses", we take those findings to the judge, and possibly have all the wiretap evidence thrown out?
Junior: that's fuckin great, I know the Feds stay longer on the phone than the twenty seconds to see if the call is relevant. I hear a "click", I could be talking about root beer and sometimes they stay on forty, fifty seconds before they hang up... pricks
Attorney: but it'll cost for them to study
Junior: how much?
Attorney: two hundred plus hours of tapes analyzed, and I want to bring on "specialized counsel" to handle the wiretap litigation, "ballpark" figure?
Junior: [irritated] yeah, Wrigley fuckin Field for Christ's sake
Attorney: four hundred thousand

- Now is the time you can clearly hear his voice.
- Let us rejoice in his love.

Carmela: [Carmela enters Meadow's room] Miss Hunter, long time no see, oh my God when was it?
Hunter: [they shake hands] How are you Mrs. Soprano?
Carmela: It was right around when you "quit college"
Hunter: Your being kind I was kicked out for partying and drunk driving
Carmela: I didn't want to say but that was always you, so what are you up to now?
Hunter: I'm in my second year of med school
Carmela: [Surprised] oh
Hunter: Yeah I completed under grad at Purchase got my act together

- These doctors own so much property.
- You're buying four houses on garside street?
- You've certainly got your work cut out for you.
- One day at a time.
- Keep on keeping on.

- No, he's okay.
- I don't like it!
- Next they'll be making jokes about me.
- Chucky! Tell him to wait a minute.
- Yo, Donnie! Hold on a minute.
- Hey, Donnie.
- Sorry!

- You live, you learn.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Whatever happened to Jimmy?
- Jimmy smash?
- He's doing 20 for robbery.
- The cops knew who it was.
- He goes to the bank in a mask and goes, "give me all your money!"

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.

- I'll be back every Saturday, partner.
- I don't fucking believe this.
- I'm being shaken down, for what?
- Tell me, what did I do?
- This is not right.
- I'm not gonna fucking lay down.
- I'll step up.

- Yeah!
- Oh, come on.

Assemblyman Zellman: you remember that time in Atlantic City? You brought your old girlfriend?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: yeah, the cystic fibrosis fundraiser
Assemblyman Zellman: this is awkward, Irina and I are seeing each other
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what? Your fuckin kidding me
Assemblyman Zellman: I met her that night at the fundraiser, I gave her my card: she was having some problem with the landlord. She called me months later when you two broke it off and one thing led to another
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: alright, alright, take it easy, it's "ancient history"
Assemblyman Zellman: still, I've been meaning to tell you, I feel like I owe you an explanation
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what am I? Her father? Your both adults, enjoy yourself
Assemblyman Zellman: it's more than that: I care for her, very deeply, Roz and I are separated. "The heart wants what the heart wants" I guess
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [dismissively] the heart wants what the dick wants

- Big guy, New York sounding?
- Is there a problem?
- No. Dipshit hit me with his boat while I was tubing on caribou lake.
- Claims it was my fault.
- If he shows up, do you want me to call?
- Yeah, I wouldn't mind.
- Do that, thanks.

- I told him to go ahead.
- Call him back, tell him not to.
- Tell him we're picking up the car.
- Forget it, let him do it.
- You're sure?
- What the fuck did I say?
- Look, ro.
- I'm coming home late.
- I got some shit I gotta do.

Tony: [to Janice after she and Bobby arrived late] let me ask you something: is your time more valuable than mine?
Junior: Where's the baby?
Bobby: Sorry Tone, the car seat, the other stuff, packing it in there takes forever, you probably remember that?
Tony: No I don't. I didn't do that crap
Janice: How you feeling uncle Jun?
Tony: His late enough, come on
Janice: A hello to your niece maybe?
Tony: [to his niece Nica while she sits in the stroller, then to Bobby] hi sweetie how are ya? Help him get ready will ya?
Janice: [Referring to uncle Jun, after he and Bobby left the room] so, how's he doing?
Tony: His Knucklehead Smiff, that's how his doing. His fuckin paranoid, he doesn't remember if he ate or not
Janice: The man is not competent
Tony: Not again with that come on
Janice: And he has the money for assisted living
Tony: His got legal bills up the ass
Janice: So, he can sell this museum and move to Green Grove
Tony: Fuck assisted living, you remember what they did to ma?
Janice: She was thriving there
Tony: He stays where he is. His our uncle it's the least we could do

- Thank you, gentlemen.
- Roger will take care of you from here on. Enjoy the borgata.
- Yeah, right. Time to go.
- Along with the chips.
- Yeah, we're up about 18.
- I could go for a rib eye, flintstone size.
- Oh, no kidding.
- Why, because I'm up?

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [after Tony pulls over in a poor neighborhood] now what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: what, you afraid?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: right, like I haven't seen places like this before
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: you see those houses over there? I'm buying them
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: those crappy ones? What for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: for an investment, what've I been saying?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I don't know
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: real estate, buy real estate
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: dad, the black dude's coming over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Tony rolls down the window] hey, what's up?
Jemilo: [asking him if he's a police officer] sup? 5-0?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly, gesturing to AJ] uh, yeah, I'm Starsky and this is Hutch
Jemilo: [referring to the narcotics his selling] smoke, crack, or crank?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: no, thank you: we're just having a look around
Jemilo: yeah, no "eye-in, if you ain't buy-in"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I thought this was a free country?
Crackhead: unless you want "something", motherfucker, get the fuck off our street
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: oh, the language on you, you "blow" your father with that mouth?
Jemilo: the fuck you just say to my sister?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: take it easy, I don't want no trouble, I'm just showing my son the "old neighborhood"
Jemilo: [shows him his gun underneath his shirt] yeah, well, this our neighborhood now, guinea motherfucker
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [nods, before rolling up the window and driving away] yeah, I can see that

- A self-perpetuating revenue base.
- The $100 million Newark museum of science and trucking...
- Will serve to make this the attraction of the area and beyond.
- This fucking busted valise, he's worth every cent of his cut.
- Fucking dry wall contracts alone.
- Thank you very much.

- Yeah.
- Work...
- Socialize...
- But still having a mastery.
- Not easy.
- But interesting as shit.

Tony: Remember the story you told me about the father bull talking to the son? They're up on this hill and looking down on a bunch of cows. And the son goes to the father, "Dad, why don't we run down there and fuck one of these cows?" Now do you remember what the father said? Father says, "Son, why don't we walk down there and fuck them all?"

- Why do you quarrel with him always?
- English is his first language...
- He waste our time with those trick questions. "Stop. Men at work."
- How do we know it doesn't mean,
- "stop all men who are working"?
- He shouldn't have taken a point.
- He thinks I'm a hack cabbie from Pakistan.
- Please, where are you going?
- I'm going back to work!

- I don't know, father. I'll try.
- But I still love him.
- I believe he can be a good man.
- Then you help change him into a better man.
- Then you will have done good in god's eyes.
- You should take communion.

Tony: [after Carmella suggested to Tony, he not visit Meadow at college following the incident he had with Noah Tannenbaum, an African American friend of Meadow's] this is about sambo right? I'm paying for that God damn college
Carmela: I don't know what's going on over there but if you want to make a big scene at your daughter's new college, then comb your hair, and come right along: embarrass her, alienate her. Or better yet, cut her off, let her drop out of there and go to a state school, or maybe move back in here
Tony: I was just trying to protect her from "herself" and I'll do that until the day I fuckin die
Carmela: I'm not gonna tell you not to come: she's your daughter
Tony: I'll probably watch the game

Tony: Grandpa. Did he ever work for somebody named Trillo? He owned a lumber yard?
Junior: My father was a master stone mason. He never cut fucking wood.

Warren: Why are you in here?
John: I've been accused of being part of a certain Italian-American sub-culture.

Tony: [over the phone] It's a bad connection, so I'm gonna talk fast! The guy you're looking for is an ex-commando! He killed sixteen Chechen rebels single-handed!
Paulie: Get the fuck outta here.
Tony: Yeah. Nice, huh? He was with the Interior Ministry. Guy's some kind of Russian green beret. This guy can not come back to tell this story. You understand?
Paulie: I hear you.
[the telephone connection is lost - Tony swears, and Paulie hangs up]
Paulie: [turning to Christopher] You're not gonna believe this. He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator.
Christopher: His house looked like shit.

- I'm no good at speeches.
- Owe him a dime, you'll hear some great speeches.
- Shit. Shut up, let me talk.
- Go ahead. I was only kidding.
- I'd like everybody to raise their glasses.

- I like the way she played basketball yesterday.
- Almost got my first hard-on in, like, a month.
- Jesus, what's the meaning of quiet time around here?

- Oh that's right, you and her...
- How'd that all go?
- I had to put her on the shelf.
- Yeah, she's a friend of kaisha, the black one I was tellin' you about.
- She was just now asking what to get kaisha for her birthday.
- What'd you tell her?
- Luther vandross, a box set.

- I win again.
- You should've played that out.
- That's the only way you gonna learn.
- I'm going to the park. To see Bruce.
- You guys need anything?
- No, I'm cool.
- What are you laughing at?

- Mother of god, Janice!
- Are all of you sopranos the same?
- I ask you nicely to stay out of it, you pretend not to hear.
- Maybe you'll hear this.
- Mind your fucking business. Keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids!
- Alright?!
- Maybe I've stayed here too long.

Phil: Highland project: your "slice" of no-shows, I spoke to the Union, we can't make five "work" no more, throwbacks. Not to mention, my end's way down
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: now more than ever, I got captains looking to me to "deliver" them the no-show jobs on the account of the medical insurance
Silvio: health care costs these days
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: bitch all you want about John, he understood that ours was a "mutually beneficial situation"
Phil: John's folding fuckin laundry in Danbury: it's on my shoulders to take care of the family, even though his boss just in "name", and I made a decision and with all due respect... it's final
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Sil] see, this is what I get?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Phil] I never should've let you "slide" on the vitamins
Phil: again, with the vitamins: you told me there were fifteen hundred cases of Centrum on that truck. When your nephew delivered it, there were cartons ripped open, pills all over the fuckin floor, anybody got "shorted"? It was "yours truly", but you know what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Phil takes out money] alright, alright, put it back in your pocket but I gotta get some "relief" on this "situation"

- I'm his brother, he owns this place.
- Hold up, now.
- Back in the day, this was Italian neighborhood...
- Some fellas had this place here.
- Kept those vending machines.
- There ain't no vending machines here no more.
- Come on, fool. Go on.

- I don't know, I put them with the recycling files.
- Can I get you something?
- Coffee?
- No.
- No, I'm all right.
- I'll be going home soon.

- Hello.
- It's me.
- I need you to call me back from a pay phone.
- Now?
- You got three minutes.

- It's on the table.
- All right. Go, go, go.
- Go, go, go.
- Hold it, hold it!
- Open up, it's me.
- Come on, open the fucking door.
- Where's the patient?

- Dhl express for Mr. Philip.
- For sign.
- For sign.
- What are you doing?!
- Dad, dad!
- They have shot me, daddy.

- Look, uh...
- How about your apartment instead?
- Good idea.
- Want me to give you the address?
- I remember. The glove factory.
- See you around 9:00?
- Yeah. Okay. I'll see you then.

- What's that on the table?
- Daddy's Navy picture?
- You ever miss him?
- When he was in prison?
- Or since he's been dead?
- I don't know.
- Did I saddle you with a stepfather?

- Anyway this...
- This was a good idea she had, us going out to dinner.
- Not that one conversation ever solved anybody's problems.
- I'm only here so I don't have to hear her bitching and crying.
- The gym, huh?
- Mind if I make a stop first?

- Over the past few months, you've heard from FBI agents...
- Who have documented clandestine meetings at his doctors' offices.
- Tales of bid-rigging, sweetheart deals...
- Secret payoffs and even murder.
- No, corrado soprano is not some harmless old man...
- But a killer who orders up murder like you and I order up coffee.

- You know, it's always something with her.
- You should see the veterinarian bills.
- Fucking racket.
- Know what we should do, if you don't mind my saying?
- I think we should switch her shoes to those titanium ones.
- They don't weigh anything...
- So they're good for a tender hoof.
- Sure. Why not?

Hugh: [asking Carmela, upon arriving to the Soprano home with Mary to pay their respects to the passing of Tony's mother] how's Tony taking it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [yelling from the other room, over the phone with his sister Barbara, referring to his sister Janice not attending the funeral for their mother] oh, what the fuck? God damn fuckin bitch!

- I don't want him to have to drag it from all the way out back.
- It's so nice to have a man around the house.
[Softly] You should have thought about that before.
- What did you say?
- Go out and get that vacuum, now.
- What did I just say? Go.

- Did you at least register for classes?
- I will.
- Oh, just go.
- Hi.
- There's some guy in your driveway with a ponytail?
- What is his story?
- Hi, Mrs. Sop.
- Hello, misty.

Tony: You're a Smurf for 10 to 15 years, then you die, shitting in your pajamas.

Paulie: [repeated line, when greeting someone or several people] What'd ya hear? What'd ya say?

- It's nice having this again.
- Well, it's supposed to be better than "nice."
- You know what I mean.
- After that nightmare, god, we are blessed, Tony.
- Yeah.

[In the nursing home, where his mother lives]
Paulie: I don't understand. All the money I put in this place, and my mother is getting picked on by the others. I want it stopped.
Nursing: You'll have to excuse these girls. Sometimes they think it's a high school with wheelchairs.

- My nephew, Christopher, was handling the garbage contract problem.
- But on this I will also not go into detail.

- Can I ask a question?
- Why would he tell you you're in danger...
- Considering you put a moonroof in his head?
- What did we do wrong that night?
- The gun was hot, so the slugs couldn't be traced to me.
- You know who had an ark? Noah.

- I saw him getting arrested.
- What did he do?
- He didn't do anything!
- They just pick on Italians.
- Still, in my heart, I knew my father was no freedom fighter.
- So he went to jail?
- He came home in a couple hours.
- We were watching ed Sullivan.

- She's been drinking like crazy.
- Where are you going?
- Oh, my god.
- Honey.
- Oh, my god.
- I'm fine, okay? Just leave me alone.
- No, you're bleeding. Let me drive you.

- The owner is Portuguese.
- They're sticklers.
- I feel so wonderful, we're up and running again.
- Oh, you said you had something to tell me.
- I like the bar stools.
- Good morning, everybody!
- You're in a good mood today, dad.

- Ralph cifaretto's crew.
- Anyway, I go over to her house one night...
- She's dressed like a fucking cat, like from that show.
- Eye makeup, claws, the whole bit.
- You okay?
- Pardon me a minute, huh?

- Carmela, I gave you 5.
- Maybe I could go another 5.
- Maybe 10, but that's enough.
- Tony, you gotta do something nice for me today.
- And this is what I want.
- You gotta do this.
- All right, I'll go to 10.
- That should be enough for them.
- I already told him 50.

Carmela: And I thought he was changing. I thought therapy was gonna help clear up the f*' freak show in his head.
Father: Carmela, I'm sure you're wrong about them. Therapy is a start. A good start. But, yes, it doesn't fix the soul. He's gonna need help from other sources to repair that.
Carmela: Well, then you talk to him. You help him.
Father: But, well, there you go. Will he listen.

- Whoa, it's shaft.
- What, are you here on a stakeout?
- May I help you?
- I need a piece of this.
- Unless you wanna come over...
- Check out my birdbath, make sure it's up to code.
- I'll check the computer.

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [In little Carmine's living room] As you all know, Phil asked me to arrange this meeting after the fire in the Wire Room
Phil: Correction, you asked me to attend and I agreed
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Fair enough, I'm not going to call this a "sit-down" because of the negative implications, let's think of it as "a meeting of minds". So, for whatever reasons, certain incidents have expired lately, in addition to being dangerous, it could have an adverse impact on our businesses, that's bottom line.
Phil: I know Vito's bottom was "impacted" if that's what you're referring to
Tony: Call him what you will, but you're talking about one of my captains
Phil: Captain? "The Ship Lollipop" right?
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Phil, please
Phil: Please my ass, the man was a fucking disgrace
Tony: Before he came out of the closet he worked for me and put a lot of paper in my pocket, yours too
Phil: Talk about earners? How about "Fat Dom" Gamiello?
Silvio: What about him?
Tony: So what fuck would I know about that?
Phil: As coincidence would have it, he was last seen in New Jersey
Tony: So was the Hindenburg, maybe you should look into that too
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Tony, Phil, please we're going off point. Remember, I grew up in all of this and I just lost my friend Rusty and if there's one thing my father taught me was this: "a pint of blood is worth more than a gallon of milk". My business, all of our businesses... this fighting is costing money.
Tony: I'm willingly to move forward, let the past be bygone
Phil: Fine with me.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: A Wise decision, on both your parts. I love to see a truce, wipe this day clean. The no-shows, The Wire Room, Vito, put it all behind us.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [to Phil] your brother Billy, whatever happened there.
Tony: [standing up] Alright then
Phil: "whatever happened there.?"
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: the shooting
Phil: [raising his voice] "whatever happened there.?"
Phil: [Stands up and points at Tony] I'll tell you what happened: this piece of shit's cousin put six bullets without any provocation, what so ever.
Tony: [to Carmine] Jesus Christ, why would you possibly bring that up?

- Oh, shit.
- What?
- My wedding ring.
- Go strap on the bag, ton?
- Yeah.
- Would you say this is an interesting point in the history of the mafia?
- I'd say we're looking at a great year for crime reporters, sukanya.
- Mafia: Class of '04?

[Christopher is urinating outside on Paulie's side of the van]
Paulie: Ohhhh! Do that by your own window! I don't want to smell your piss!
Christopher: Fuck you.
Paulie: What did you say?
Christopher: You heard me.
Paulie: Don't make me pull rank on you, kid!
Christopher: Fuck you, Paulie. Captain or no captain, right now, we're just two assholes lost in the woods.

- That candy striper out there, there's not much of a selection.
- There was something on "sink the
- Bismarck," but half the pages were gone.
- But you like dinosaurs.
- Having surgery tomorrow.
- They say they're closing me up.

Janice: Uncle Jun, I'm afraid I have bad news... Bobby's dead.
Corrado: Ambassador Hotel.

- They're subject to strip search for wires and shit.
- He'll love that.
- He had to augment his kick with a stickup at rutgers little Jackie put him onto.
- Jackie aprile?
- He did the thing in the papers?
- Don't worry. He was only the wheel man.
- I told Christopher to leave him the fuck out.
- I'm just telling you what I know.

- Thanks for all your help.
- I'll make us a nice lunch.
- I've got some fantastic prosciutto in there.
- Hello?
- Yeah. It's Christopher.
- I've been calling for hours.
- Call me on an outside line.

- That's it.
- The one with the palm tree.
- There's a buzzer under the desk.
- An office in the back.
- All right, tell me again what I said.
- It's not just Dominic who is the problem. It's the wife too.
- Here.

Tony: What about Pussy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [looks confused]
Tony: He's an acquaintance of mine.

- Then he lands on an island with savages on it. That took a lot of guts.
- You remember when we went to Florida?
- The heat? And those bugs?
- Like it took guts to murder people.
- He was a victim of his time.
- Who cares? It's what he did.
- He discovered america, is what he did.
- He was a brave Italian explorer.
- And in this house Christopher Columbus is a hero. End of story.

- It's three o-fucking clock.
- Is Tony all right?
- That's why I'm calling you.
- Checking in.
- Last I saw, he was having dessert.
- All right, then.
- Everything else okay?
- Yeah.
- Call me on my cell, you need anything.

- How many times do I gotta say this?
- When guys are on the mattresses, they're not out earning.
- So? What?
- All Phil cares about is fucking money.
- He's got that wire room in sheepshead bay, right?
- Our guys have seen it.
- Yeah.

- You don't know when to stop!
- My god, if this ever gets out...
- Yeah, like you don't do it.
- Or any of your friends.
- Bunch of hypocrites.
- What goes on in this bedroom stays here, and you know that.
- Once a year?
- I can resist the urge to gossip.

- You better go without me.
- But you have to go.
- This is the inner sanctum here.
- I'm not just a relative anymore.
- You think Paulie and his goomars ever get invited to dinner?
- I'm sorry.
- Maybe if I just sleep...
- Nothing ever goes my way.

Christopher: [to Furio as they're dismembering Richie's body in the butcher shop] It's going to be a while before I eat anything from Satriale's.

Corrado: I always thought you could make the pros. You could have done it. You had a swing like Joe D.
Tony: You're crazy.
Corrado: What? You think I'm fucking you?
Tony: Yeah, I could barely hit .250.
Corrado: That's because you didn't want it. Too busy chasing skirt. Chasing skirt, your average was .500.

- You're not gonna stay for dessert?
- It's grappa cake my mother made.
- My friends are having a gallery opening...
- And I'm trying to get them to finance my video.
- I'll leave some cake out for you.
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- Hey.
- What's up?

Corrado: [to Tony] You may run North Jersey but you don't run your Uncle Junior! How many fuckin' hours did I spend playing catch with you?

- Did you see Dr. Vogel today?
- Today we have group.

Tony: I rang the doorbell six times, nobody answered
Carmela: What're you doing here?
Tony: I want to talk to you
Carmela: [Referring to AJ] if you came to pick him up his not going
Tony: Oh, so you believe all that shit they're saying? Am I that horrible? Really?
Carmela: Where there's smoke, there's fire. I don't know what you did. What's going to happen when your children find out about this? Meadow already suspects you
Tony: Suspects what?
Carmela: She saw you at the club, she thought you were coked out
Tony: What're you talking about? I don't do drugs
Carmela: She already knows about the accident, what'd you think she's going to think? With Anthony at that age?
Tony: Oh, come on with the kids, this is about you
Carmela: Fine, it's all about me, what? Do I mean nothing to you? That I've got to live with this swirling around me?
Tony: Alright forget about what they're saying. I'm asking you, you think I would have sexual relations with her? Adriana who's going to be a member of this family? I want you to answer me truthfully. Look, I know I haven't been a fuckin saint alright? And you got plenty of issues on that subject but you haven't been a fuckin saint yourself

Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: [angrily after learning Phil Leotardo killed Lorraine Calluzzo and her lover Jason] fuckin Phil Leotardo! She told me he warned her about giving us points of her take
Rusty: Phil's a pimp: It's God damn Johnny Sack, it's his message to other captains, that fuckin animal
Angelo: [to Rusty] Take it easy
Rusty: [to Angelo and Carmine] Fuck that! I'm telling you, we go all out and steamroll all over John and I predict guys in the street in Brooklyn and Queens will welcome us as fuckin heroes, it'll be easy

Janice: [while talking about planning their wedding and cooking in the kitchen] oh, the planner checked the almanac and said there's sixty-five historical chance of rain on the twelfth so he wanted to book the tenth as a back up so what'd you think?
Richie: I can't decide on this shit right now
Richie: [Seeing her disappointed] Janice, come on
Janice: Ok but when you start bitching when you see the bill: don't
Richie: My kid "hit" me up five grand to go to England for these dance contests
Janice: Yeah but "little Rick" is still coming to the wedding right?
Richie: [Correcting her, irritated] Rick? Richard, how many fuckin times I've got to tell you? It was "little Ricky" when he was twelve years old.
Janice: Jesus alright. His still coming right?
Richie: He wouldn't miss an opportunity to fox trot and tango in front of everybody
Janice: Ballroom dancing is a legitimate art form
Richie: [Eventually referring to Jackie April Jr] Carries my name: Richard. His a fuckin disgrace. Why wouldn't he be like Jackie? Why couldn't I have a son like that?
Janice: [Referring to her mother] you know, you came home with a fuckin attitude today. You know I've been in this house cooking your fuckin dinner and taking care of that "black hole" up stairs all day
Richie: Keep your voice down, she hears everything
Janice: Not tonight, I gave her two Nembutals because I thought we might want to have sex? But not likely
Richie: Put my fuckin dinner on the table and keep your mouth shut
Janice: Oh you shut up, just because his a ball room dancer, you think your son is gay? What if he was gay? What difference does it make?
Richie: [after punching her for insulting his values] what're you looking at? Are you going to cry now?
Richie: [after Janice leaves and returns with a gun pointing at him, before she shoots her a first time, assuming Janice is playing a joke] get the fuck out of here! I'm in no mood for your...

Paulie: [during Nucci Gaultieri's funeral] thanks for coming
Carmela: [hugs and kisses him] We are so sorry for your loss
Tony: how you hangin in?
Paulie: As well as it can be expected
Carmela: It must be very hard for you, I know how close you two would become again
Paulie: Not much of a "send-off" here
Carmela: The room is beautiful
Paulie: Nobody's in it, what kind of sentiment is this to the spirit and generosity of the woman?
Carmela: [before kissing him and leaving] We're here for you, you know that
Paulie: It's a fundamental lack of respect and I'm never gonna fuckin forget it neither
Tony: Jesus, people your mother's age, their friends die off
Paulie: She "outlived" Sil? Carlo? their all over there with your nephew
Tony: yeah...
Paulie: [interrupts him] Councilman Cirillo was here three minutes. I clocked him: he told Gerry he was going to the Moltisanti wake
Tony: people are coming and if they don't... fuck them
Paulie: I got five hundred prayer cards
Tony: so, Carm and I are here, what the fuck is that? Nothing?
Paulie: [shakes his head] No of course not, it means the world
Tony: Ok
Paulie: [points to Nucci Gaultieri's body] She suffered too, you know?
Tony: Well, this is neither the time or place
Paulie: Your right

- So your mother did teach you something.
- If I asked you about your life, who you talk to, who you trust...?
- I'd have to take the fifth.
- That's cute.
- I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of what I was saying.
- I'm sorry.

Paulie: [over his cell phone, inside the Bada Bing strip club after business hours] I had a meeting down here with Carlo this morning we're supposed to see Butch and them on a couple of items, Carlo didn't show and he don't answer his phone neither
Tony: [over his cell phone at home] What are you thinking?
Paulie: That maybe we were had that this Butch has taken out another ranking guy
Tony: What if he flipped?
Paulie: Who? Carlo?
Tony: Well? You there?
Paulie: His kid the imbecile
Tony: Jason?
Paulie: Patsy told me he got picked up yesterday for selling Ecstasy

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while visiting her in the hospital after she tried to commit suicide] Jesus Christ
Irina: I don't care what happens anymore
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Don't say that shit: you got your whole life ahead of you
Irina: What kind of life is there without you? To go back home? To be a dancer? Be prostitute after that? I don't want to
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as she hugs him] Everything's gonna be alright, ok?

- Tony turned me on to him.
- "Tzu, tzu."
- "Sun tzu," you fucking ass-kiss.
- Hey.
- Feech.
- You know, I missed you by two weeks at allenwood.

- How's you doing, Tony?
- Pick six today?
- No, just an orange juice and a racing form today.
- This wind, huh?
- Yeah.

Carmela: [while lying in bed] Did you shut off all the lights?
Tony: Yeah
Carmela: In the kitchen?
Tony: Yeah. I want to spend more time with AJ
Carmela: It's the other one you should spend time with: she's almost out of the house
Tony: Hey, I'm not worried about Meadow, she can take care of herself
Carmela: Why the sudden burst of fatherhood?
Tony: [irritated] Can you say anything without it being sarcastic?
Carmela: Your right, I'm sorry. I think it's a good idea, he adores you: he never gets to spend enough time with you
Tony: Yeah well
Carmela: I was reading in Time the other day this study at Harvard: a father's support is absolutely linked to a boy's later capacity to manage frustrations, to explore new circumstances, and to do well in school
Tony: The kid needs to toughen up
Carmela: I'm not talking about toughening up, I'm talking about opening up
Tony: Somebody needs to teach that kid some street smarts: not to be a sucker, not to be involved with the wrong people. I don't want another Christopher on my hands, look at him, his lucky to be alive and the other poor prick they found dead: the kid was twenty-three or something

- Didn't he put the need there?
- Say when, senor.
- You!
- Office!
- 5:15, I haven't punched in yet.
- This is still my time.

- It's stupid.
- Insane.
- Sorry, Artie.
- Life goes on, no?
- I could always be a plumber, no?
- Only one concept to master: Shit runs downhill.
- Yes, it does. Come in the kitchen.
- I'll buy you a beer.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
- I never did anything like this before.
- I couldn't help it.
- I never felt like this before.
- It won't happen again.
- Of course not.
- I apologize.
- Okay.
- You should, maybe, get back to work.
- Yeah.

- As long as you're okay. I don't know what I'd do if you got hurt.
- You almost died.
- I'm so sorry.
- I should have taken you to vassar.
- You loved that car.
- It's all right.
- Come on, let's get you home.
- No. I wanna go with you.
- You're sure?

- Score some shit and find out what's going on?
- Please!
- Brendan, let's go. Wake up, man.
- The fool leaves his door open.
- I gotta pee.
- Go for it.
- Yo, Einstein, you should have seen me at the hospital. It took three nurses...

- It'd be good for you too.
- Do whatever it is that boys do when they're on their own.
- Whatever. I said go.
- I'll be fine.
- I'm so excited.
- I'm gonna call ro.
- Oh, wait, wait! Look.

Carmela: I cannot believe this. Do you know how serious this is?
Carmela: [after AJ remains silent] do you? Answer me right now
A.J. Soprano: Yes
Carmela: Yes what?
A.J. Soprano: I know it's serious
Carmela: So, why did you do it?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Why did you do it? Do you hate the school? Do you have a problem with someone there or something?
A.J. Soprano: No
Carmela: Then why?
A.J. Soprano: It just happened. We went swimming as a group. Someone threw something in the pool. Couple of guys started throwing stuff into the pool. We just did it
Carmela: And if they were "just" jumping off the George Washington Bridge would you "just" do that too?
A.J. Soprano: No
Tony: [Asking why AJ is home when he should be in school] what're you doing here?
Carmela: Answer your father
A.J. Soprano: I got sent home
Tony: Why?
Tony: [Raising his voice after AJ remains silent] Why?
A.J. Soprano: I got into trouble
Carmela: Your son broke into his school Friday night and vandalized the swimming pool
Tony: How do you vandalize a swimming pool?
Carmela: Threw a bunch of stuff in it and broke things
Tony: What'd you do that for?
A.J. Soprano: Screwing around
Tony: [Smacks his head] on your mother's birthday?
A.J. Soprano: It wasn't. It was after midnight
Tony: What're you fuckin stupid? So are you suspended?
A.J. Soprano: I don't know
Carmela: Tony, do you know how serious this is? He may be expelled
Tony: What'd they say?
A.J. Soprano: Nothing, they just sent me home. They said to bring your parents into the principal's office
Tony: On your mother's birthday
A.J. Soprano: They're going to call you
Tony: Just when everything was going good, your going to miss the big game. Your screwing everything up. Your football career down the drain!

- Yeah, probably.
- Here.
- Nice house, apparently.
- They say he paid cash for it.
- Good luck.
- Questions?
- Kill the dome light.

Finn: It was the other way around. Vito was blowing the security guard.
Paulie: Son of a bitch!

- Oh, jeez! What is this?
- Why don't you ring for the nurse?
- Never you mind!
- That's their job.
- I don't need them.
- My daughter came all the way from Seattle.
- Oh, Jesus!

- Who do we blame our daughter on?
- Straight-a student, national honor society, featured soloist in the choir.
- Yeah, this isn't going anywhere.
- "Like father, like son," right?
- What about "daddy's little girl"?
- My son's got your uncle Lenny in his gene pool. Do I blame you for that?
- If it helps you.

- You're kidding.
- I mean...
- Jesus Christ.
- Svetlana just called.
- She said that after dinner your mother went upstairs.
- When Svetlana came up, your mother was under the covers.
- Svetlana thought she was asleep.

- It's right over there.
- Ariani El pino?
- Your shitting me!
- That's where my grandfather's from!
- It's right over there.
- We come from the same town.
- Our families probably knew each other.

- The lord bless and keep him.
- The lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious.
- The lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace."
- Someone should go down to Artie's.
- Stop thinking, ro.
- Let's get you to bed.
- He opened up the restaurant for us.
- All those people...

- Come on! Fuck!
- Tony, no!
- Tony!
- Tony!
- All the girls in New Jersey, you had to fuck this one?
- Go ahead, cry like a bitch.

Tony: [stares at the desert sun] I get it. I get it!

- Adam and Eve would be running all the time, scared shitless.
- But the Bible says it was paradise.
- You can disagree with Evangelicals, but they're great friends of the Jews because Israel is the holy land.
- You wait.

- Jesus Christ! How could it not have gone down?
- I know, junior. I'm sorry.
- Some civilian got in the way.
- Donnie will explain it to us.
- I wanted it to be over.
- I know.
- Junior, mints?

- The chicken, Bobby.
- Put it in a 350 oven for 20 minutes.
- You just want to heat it.
- And if you have some egg noodles, it's better the first night, so enjoy.
- Thank you, jojo.

- You know, things might be a little different, Paulie...
- If you could accept some responsibility for a change.
- You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that?
- I'm just telling you how you're being fucking perceived!
- Just worry about how you're fucking perceived!
- Nobody knows what the future holds, my friend.

Carmela: You piece of shit!
Irina: Yes, I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit which the world, every morning, strains and pushes out of its butt! If you can, imagine where you are on the pecking order.

Adriana: [meeting privately] Tony's spending so much time at the club
Agent: You think that might have something to do with you?
Adriana: [referring to oral sex] Oh, if you think I'm gonna blow this guy, for your sick purposes, you are sadly mistaken
Agent: So, go on with this phone call you got the other night
Adriana: [shrugs] Just some guy with a southern accent: Christopher grabbed the phone and yelled at him for calling the house. He said he'd see him down there
Agent: Down where? Did you check the log on his cell?
Adriana: Not since I almost got caught doing that and I am not doing it again
Agent: [referring to the area code of the phone numbers] Wait until he goes in the shower: see if there's a 404 or a 336 and memorize any other numbers you don't recognize

- Okay, well...
- Good bye.

Corky: [meeting privately, giving them the instructions to kill Rusty, in Italian] the address is in the bag, 134 Deweunter Terrace, Brooklyn: that's in New York, there's a map, dump it all after you memorize it. The man your gonna "pop" is very cautious, usually has protection. The guy has a long horse face, and is in good shape. The "fish" have been cleaned, you can drop them where you do it
Salvatore: [in Italian] where'd you learn to speak Italian?
Corky: [in Italian] I came over here with my parents when I was two
Italo: [in Italian] you were born in Italy, where?

- There's a hearty burgundy still in the fridge.
- I don't suppose Tony would come.
- With what's going on up at that abattoir.
- I don't think so, uncle jun.
- Yeah, I want to get one large cheese and tomato and then one with alig'.
- Yeah, it's me.

Tony: [referring to the birthday gift he bought her] The ring looks beautiful on you
Carmela: It is gorgeous: is there anything you need to tell me?
Tony: About the ring?
Carmela: I don't know, you didn't buy that little car you were talking about
Tony: Mercedes? I look like a douche bag in one of those
Carmela: Jean Cusamano calls your cars a midlife crisis mobiles
Tony: What the fuck does she know?
Tony: [when Carmela sighs] What?
Carmela: [referring to them dating] I don't know, I'm m not thrilled about this thing with Jackie and Meadow. I think she came home and he came over so they can go out tonight
Tony: So what? He's a good kid, comes from good stock
Carmela: His been on his best behavior lately, I can't deny that. I just never pictured Meadow with someone like him
Tony: Someone like him? His one of us
Tony: [referring to Noah Tannenbaum, her previous boyfriend, a Jewish African American] Don't tell me you were happy when she was going out with that Jamal Ginsberg, Hasidic homeboy?
Carmela: I just don't want her to miss the opportunities that are available to her: she should be at the Museum of Modern Art in her free time, not watching TV at Rosalie Aprile's
Tony: Oh, you'd rather have her look at pictures of soup cans than be close to home?
Carmela: [sighs] I don't know
Tony: Well, you talk to her and I'll talk to Jackie Jr.

- You took pills to kill the pain...
- Because you knew you'd have to wait at the emergency room.
- Ton, they pumped my stomach.
- They saw the armagnac.
- You got fucking mugged.
- Do you understand me?
- I didn't loan you shit.

- To your father, to me, to everybody.
- Fuck this. Fuck it all!
- Jesus, Mel, the hell's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?
- What's wrong with me?
- Mom.
- It had to happen. She's fried.

- What the hell's going on?
- Thunderstorms.
- Jackie.
- You smell it?
- That's rain.
- Dr. Melfi, what the hell are you doing to me?
- Go back to sleep.

- It used to be you, didn't it?
- Stop making meatballs, Paulie.
- I'm just saying.
- Now you know what I went through.
- Okay, it's the same Gina had at her wedding.
- We should see how it looks on your face.
- Chrissy.

Tony: [giving a toast for his cousin Tony B during a welcome dinner] I'll make this fast because I know your all hungry. I remember growing up, I was always asking why I just used to have sisters? I said to my mother "Can't you save up something and get me a baby brother?" And my mother said "What's wrong with your cousin Tony?" She was right because we were brothers except, we had the same name. There were like fifty Tony's in the family. Some of you remember this: my dad's name was "Johnny" and his dad's name was "Alfred", so whenever we were out running around, you'd hear "Tony uncle Johnny", that was for me, and "Tony uncle Al", that was for him and there was "Tony uncle Philly" but he passed away. So with Tony B being away, it's been hard but his back now... for good, so welcome home

- I think they're gonna fire me over at globe.
- Fucking Arnie mills sexually harasses me and then dares me to sue.
- Anyway.
- Fuck them.
- You like this song?
- It's okay.
- I love this song.
- Yeah?

- for richer and for poorer...
- In sickness and in health, forsaking all others, so long as we both shahhve.
- In sickness and in health, forsaking all others, so long as we both shall live.

Carmela: The real reason I stopped by to see you was to make sure you've recovered from this Noah thing. I'm worried it'll affect your grades.
Meadow: You call losing a wonderful man because of Dad a thing?
Carmela: Is that really what happened? Because you certainly kept seeing him long after that business with your father.
Meadow: Look, don't drag me into whatever bullshit accommodational pretense you've got worked out with Daddy.
Carmela: What was that, last night's reading assignment?

- Find he'll ask the same question every three minutes? What time it is?
- I don't know. Maybe, yeah.
- It's frustrating, I know.
- The last thing I wanted to do was get in the middle of a family squabble.
- I just wanted to say hello.
- Well, nice seeing you.
- Okay.
- All right. Thanks.

- Yeah?
- Black Cadillac.
- Route 228.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is for you.
- Have a good night.
- Franklin Pierce room.
- Up the stairs, first door to the right.

- You bullshit me and you betray my daughter.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Go back inside.
- I'm gonna be frank on this.
- I haven't decided what to do with you.

- Puritan salvage.
- The big guy's looking for a consignment from a wedding in ringwood last night.
- Nothing came in here.
- This benz sl55. He wants it pulled.
- I'll make some calls.

- Maybe you better call Tony.
- I can't just dump this on Tony.
- I gotta find him.
- I need you to come here in case he comes back.
- Bobby, I just can't...
- I need your help here. Jesus Christ.
- Sometimes I think I love junior more than you do.

- Listen, they're gonna call Kelli if they haven't already and...
- Just get ai and Rita on the phone and get them started over there.
- All right, all right.
- Oh my god, Tony, he's dead?
- Yeah.
- All right. Let me get dressed.
- Thank you.

- Can I have the end piece?
- Johnny, let's eat while it's still hot.
- You bet, baby. The lady loves her meat.

- Listen, it's after-hours. It's dark.
- You want me to walk you to your car?
- No, thank you.
- I have some work
- I have to catch up on here.

[Mme] Where are you going?
- I don't know.
- What are you looking for?
- Somebody's looking for me.
- Who?
- I don't know.
- "Our true enemy has yet to reveal himself."

- Who was that?
- Silvio.
- Listen to this.
- Furio called. The stupid fucking zip moved back to Italy.
- Asshole left a message on the answering machine at the bing at 4:30 am.
- Here, carry this.

- Keep joking. Let me tell you something.
- It's like that game we used to play as kids.
- Crack the whip.
- You run around holding hands as tight as you can...
- And then the line snaps, somebody lets go...
- And you're next.

- Have you been feeling suicidal, Anthony?
- A little bit.
- Have you ever tried to kill yourself?
- No.
- I mean, once, me and my friends jumped off my garage roof...
- But, you know, that was just to fool around.

Carmine: One other thing though. John told me he went to a cookout at your house.
Tony: Yeah.
Carmine: A don doesn't wears shorts.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. They're gonna let me go.
- I wanna go too.
- Chrissy's coming home today.
- We should probably talk about that.
- Yeah. Right.

- And I don't know what it to do.
- All right, wait.
- Hold on.
- Your horse is sick, and the vet won't help until he gets paid.
- These guys, no compassion for the fucking animals whatsoever.
- Maybe you better go down there.
- Tell her to call 555-0157.

- Ho! You don't signal?
- Hey, fuck you!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Carmela: You have options. I have a lawyer.

Tony: Fucking weird. My cousin in the old man's seat.
Paulie: It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good commander is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
Tony: What?
Paulie: "Sun-Tuh-Zoo". The Chinese Prince Matchabelli. Tony turned me on to him.
Silvio: Tzu, Tzu! Sun Tzu, you fucking ass-kiss!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!

Carmela: You know what the church says about divorce...
Angie: Oh, *please*! Let the Pope live with him.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [to Tony] Hey, Dad. I'm gonna get Uncle Junior for this. Don't worry.
[crying]
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: I watched since I was little how nice you were to him. And he doesn't get to just do this to you. And put you in here and get away with it. You're my Dad. And I'm gonna put a bullet in his fuckin' mummy head! I promise. I can't believe we're not gonna, like, do stuff together again. 'Cause we will. I'm positive.

- Czechoslovakian, that's a type of polack, right?
- We came here when I was 9.
- I went to west essex.
- You used to play my cousin Gregory in football, he...
- Where's the stuff?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- The reason for the visit.
- We got it all deployed for you.
- Taste the wares, Emil.

Ralph: [over the phone, referring to the cost for fixing her car] how could it be thirty-two hundred dollars?
Rosalie: [referring to her mechanic] He said the transmission was completely "compromised"
Ralph: I've never even heard of that, I want my guy to take a look at it
Rosalie: I already told this guy to go ahead
Ralph: Well, then call him back, tell him not to, tell him we're picking up the car
Ralph: [after Vito gives Ralph a nod, implying he successfully killed Jackie Jr] Forget it, I don't care: let him do it
Rosalie: Are you sure honey?
Ralph: [before Roe hangs up] What the fuck did I say? Look, I'm coming home late, I got some shit I gotta do

- It's Lorraine calluzzo.
- Rainey calluzzo.
- Little carmine went to school with her.
- They go back that far.
- Kill a woman.
- Come on.

- When's this puppy going in?
- Tomorrow.

- Okay, just make sure you're done.
- I'm all over it, Tony.
- All right, Tony.

- I'm fucking exhausted,
- I hardly slept at all last night.
- So take a nap.
- What are you worried about?

Donna: [in the living room of the Soprano home] A man took his horse to a vet and the vet says to him, "Why do you have a long face?"
Patsy: The horse asks, there's no vet.
Donna: Right, a horse goes to a vet and the vet looks at his face and says to him, "My friend."
Patsy: A horse goes to the doctor, the doctor asks, "Why the long face?" She can't tell jokes
Tony: Speaking of jokers, where's that other son of yours today?
Donna: I didn't think he was invited.
Carmela: I just think with all the wedding talk.
Tony: That pal of his, the other Jason I heard he ran into some trouble, Carlo's Jason.
Donna: He's a mess.
Patsy: Alright.
Tony: Well, he's got no shortage of lawyers here, only this one here would only take the case for free.
[referring to Meadow]
Patrick: That's why we want her there at Groupman, Groupman and Kerseyo, actually Med and I had some conversations and we may still snag her at the firm when she's done with law school.
Carmela: No kidding?
Meadow: We went out to dinner Steven Groupman and the subject came up.
Patrick: Steven was very impressed with her work at the Law Center, even got into starting salaries, he was talking one seventy.
Tony: Jesus, sweetheart that's fantastic.
Meadow: He hadn't had too much to drink.
Patrick: Don't devalue yourself, we've got a really interesting case right now we're defending James Trofolio the County Commissioner and those corruption charges.
Donna: [to Patrick] is that your case?
Patrick: He's got bag men, whores it's fascinating.

- What are you talking about, meetings? Who, Livia?
- All of them! Raymond. Larry.
- Three of my capos have their mothers here?
- If this is true, Livia, I mean,
- I'm the boss, for Christ's sake!
- If I don't act, blood or no...
- I have to!

Tony: Marie Spatafore came to see me. She wants a hundred grand to relocate on account of Vito, Jr. already has his own social worker.
Phil: Patty told me there was doin's. I guess the turd doesn't fall far from the faggot's ass

Tony: [Standing in his kitchen while leaning on the island counter] Coffee?
Salvatore: No
Tony: You look good, tan
Salvatore: Yeah, right
Tony: The "tan ghost"
Salvatore: You're a good guy Tony but you abuse that joking shit
Tony: What'd got to say to me?
Salvatore: Yeah I'm back. I'm in a fuckin "tan" nightmare. What'd you think I'm stupid? I don't know it when everyone of my friends turns their hearts to stones against me
Tony: Take it easy ok? I don't think your stupid

Carmela: [Referring to Gloria giving her a ride home from the car dealership] this is very sweet of you
Gloria: Don't believe it. Everybody's a potential sale, so what'd you do?
Carmela: I'm a home maker
Gloria: You must make a very nice home to drive a Benz. So your married?
Carmela: 'Yes
Gloria: Kids?
Carmela: Two, you?
Gloria: No, boys? Girls?
Carmela: One boy one girl, boy is still in high school and my daughter's in college. She's not too far away though. She's in New York City, Columbia actually
Gloria: School of broadcasting?
Carmela: Oh, no the university it's an ivy league. It's one of the top schools
Gloria: I know, I was just kidding
Carmela: [laughs] oh, right
Gloria: These kids today. They got the world by the you know what
Carmela: Tell me about it
Gloria: At least your daughter doesn't need to "latch" onto a man for success
Carmela: Thank God
Gloria: That's a beautiful ring
Carmela: Thank you
Gloria: What's your husband do?
Carmela: Well, his involved in a few businesses
Gloria: Sounds mysterious
Carmela: No, it's not really

- What do I mean?
- I mean, get off my car before you flip it over, you fat fuck.
- Junior wants to know when.
- Tomorrow morning.
- We're short a few guys, so make sure you're there.
- Consider it exercise.

Carmela: [During family dinner] what? Did everybody take a "vow of silence" or something? Nobody's got nothing to report?
A.J. Soprano: I've got to write a report on DNA for biology
Carmela: Isn't that interesting? I just saw on Inside Edition how there will be no more "unknown soldiers" because of DNA now: they will be able to identify every single casualty of combat
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Meadow] pass me some of the macaroni and cheese?
Janice: You know Tony, I know you don't like to talk about her but that woman is impossible: she's a complete narcissist, I mean she's always "me, me, me". Really kudos, you are a saint
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You were right the first time, I don't want to talk about it
Meadow: [to Tony and Janice] you were talking about grandma?
Janice: When she pushes those buttons, she's a big baby you know?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Janice, irritated] this is my house, how many times I do have to say it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Sarcastically to Meadow after she makes an insulting comment] you got something to say? The little girl's about to get her license might want to drive one of those cars in the driveway in the next hundred years
Janice: It's my fault Meadow, I was "insensitive" to his feelings
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Janice] thank you
Carmela: [to Janice and Tony, referring to them peacefully resolving an argument] you see that? You see how easy that was?
Janice: [Sarcastically to Tony] so Mr. "delegated Power of Attorney", have you given it any thought? Can my girlfriend have the listing? You know? The house?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to their mother's home] as long as it gets sold, I don't give a fuck who lists it
A.J. Soprano: [Making a joke] hey, what did one prick say to the other prick?
Carmela: [to Tony] you see that? See what happens with you cursing at the dinner table?

Anthony: [to Carmela] You know, it's always what you think, isn't it? It's never how I feel.
Tony: Oh, poor you. It's all your mother fault, isn't it?
Anthony: I didn't say that.
Tony: You're a mama's boy.

- She was a beautiful, innocent creature.
- What'd she ever do to you?
- You fucking killed her.
- You killed her, you fucking killed her.

- I told you you didn't have to come.
- Yeah, let you drive yourself when you look this bad?
- Yeah?
- He's out.
- He looks good.
- Well, talk to him. Get a sense.
- Okay.

- She didn't want a funeral.
- She didn't want a remembrance.
- Why?
- She didn't think anybody would come!
- She wouldn't write down her memories...
- Because nobody loved her enough to read them.
- She knew there was a problem.

Tony: [sees Chris barbecuing] Oh, look at that wrist action! All those years yankin' it are finally startin' to pay off.

- That's very touching.
- Let me get Bobby.
- I just wanna know if he's gonna pick me up for court tomorrow.
- Maybe you should let Bobby be. Think about his needs instead of your own.
- It's not me.
- Please, don't villainize me here.
- Murf goes to bed early, so I wanted to call him now if I need him to drive me.
- I don't wanna disturb him when he's asleep. He's an old man, for god's sakes.

- West of dyer's yours, east belongs to him.
- Paulie, my wife's gonna sh...
- All right, thank you, Paulie.
- Oh, one more thing.
- You're gonna have to cut a couple of lawns on the comp.
- Some friends of ours.

- As, say, someone like...
- John Grisham nowadays.
- But wordsworth writes: "The world is too much with us."
- Later, he invokes nature again.
- Why such strong words against the material world?

- If I did it, the fucking gun malfunctioned.
- It was old, okay?
- I should have cleaned it.
- Try to get some sleep.
- You'll feel better in the morning.
- Ladies and gentlemen, at this time our lovely bride will dance with her father.

- I didn't.
- Right.
- Who then?
- Hello. I can't hear...
- Yeah... talk louder!
- Nanny.
- Between the reception and her language skills...

- It doesn't bother you that I'm younger than you are?
- You know who was born on your birthday? Jesse ventura.
- Who? [Shelaughs]
- He's a famous politician.
- I looked it up.
- How do you know my birthday?
- I did your w-4, remember?
- The withholding?

Silvio: [after Bobby tells Paulie Sil wants to see him in the back office in the Bada Bing strip club] Have a seat
Paulie: What's up?
Silvio: [referring to telling Corky Caporale to hire the assassins from Italy] Phil Leotardo: The call's been made to the zips coming from Naples, you contact the guy to contact the guys
Bobby: Phil's at his Comare's every Friday night
Paulie: [referring to Tony, to Sil] T know about this?
Silvio: [surprised his question] What?
Bobby: What kind of question is that?
Paulie: [to Bobby] Watch your fat fuckin mouth!
Silvio: [to Bobby and Paulie as they stand up to physically confront each other] Whoa, whoa, whoa
Silvio: What're you concerned about?
Paulie: [referring to the war between the Gallo and Columbo crime families] I lived through the seventies by the skin of my nuts when the Colombo's were going at it: There ain't a bigger cocksucker than Phil Leotardo. I just wanna make sure somebody knows there could be a line to Cozzarelli's a mile long
Silvio: [irritated] Duly noted, so there's no problem, then?

- I'll talk to gupte...
- See if I can get him to up the beclovent.
- I'm dying, aren't I?
- It's not good. I won't lie to you.
- The aggressiveness surprises me.
- I gotta concur with rosen.

- Here.
- One hand washes the other.
- So the husband says,
- "I wasn't talkin' to you."

- My goddamn phone, Jesus.
- Everything all right?
- You tell us.
- I'm good.
- Tell Tony I'll call him.
- It's better you come in.
- Sure.
- You go ahead, and I'll follow you.

Corrado: Livia, what you don't know could fill a book.

- And he's doing great...
- Christopher.
- He's a different person.
- He's married.
- He's got a kid on the way.
- He's focused.
- Let's not sabotage his progress.
- Hmm?

- These two suck each other's cocks.
- What'd you say to him?
- Have a nice day.

- Your honor, please.
- Since his injury, I have not had a single conversation with Mr. Soprano...
- In which we've related on any meaningful level.
- Feel free to take that up on appeal.
- Fuck!
- We'll get to a juror.
- We're working very hard.

Adriana: They broke my fuckin' chair.

- I never knew where
- I stood with him.
- Like he didn't believe in me or something.
- Fucking kidding?
- He trusted you enough to give you the Willie overall thing.
- And you were what, 24?
- Twenty-two.
- So there you go, then.

- Larry's thought about why he's under indictment and others ain't.
- What do you want me to do?
- Go talk to ally boy. Feel him out.
- But he's a slippery fuck.
- Don't commit.
- I'll see you.
- He's got tremendous moxie for his size.
- Tell me about it. He's a fighter.

- In your grandmother's house.
- It wasn't my fault.
- If I had a quarter every time I heard that...
- I'd have a private jet on 24-hour standby.
- Get in the car.

- A sin.
- Carlo, let's be honest with ourselves here.
- We all know vito's not the first.
- Well...
- We're gonna do great things.
- Aw, Jesus, thanks again, Anthony.
- Thank you.

Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [Anthony Jr. tries to convince his father that Christopher Columbus was a slave trader] It's in my history book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So, you finally read a book, and it's bullshit.

- He's always like this at weddings.
- You make me sound rude. Crab cakes.
- I told you I don't feel good.
- They don't keep in this heat.
- Vito, let's go.
- Francesca, come on.
- Good night.

Tony: [Tony strangles "Fred Peters" with a wire from behind] Good morning rat!
Fred: [struggling] Who are you? What is this?
Tony: Don't make me laugh! You pimp! You fuck!
Fred: Teddy, there must be something we can...
Tony: Tony! It's Tony, you fuck! You know how much trouble you're in now? You took an oath, and you BROKE it!
Fred: I could have killed you last night outside the motel. Your daughter was drunk, remember? I was out at the parking lot, I had a gun, but I didn't do it. Because then I told myself
[crying for his life]
Fred: "It's just a coincidence! He's taking his little girl to college!"
Tony: Well you know about us wiseguys? The hustle never ends. If you shot me at that motel, your life would have been flushed out on the pisciadood!
Tony: Jimmy says "Hello" from hell, you fuck!
[Tony strangles Fred Peters to death]

- Where's blundetto?
- I don't know!
- It's a start.
- Hey, ton.
- Hey, ton.

- He built the sacrimoni house.
- He did decent workmanship.
- Ginny says he works for a price.
- So?
- Well, your sister loves that house.
- She said it reminded her of a "villa in Italy."
- What, is he coming here now?
- I picked up a couple of sandwiches from italianissimo.

- Papi!
- Papi!
- Papi! Papi!
[Crying ] Papi!
[ Fades ] Papi!

- Bring his car to the salvage crusher.
- Cadillac.
- I'll get something.
- Hello.
- Where are you going? No, Tony!
- Please, don't go.
- I'll be right back.

- I've been using a bow and arrow exclusively.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Seriously, it levels the playing field.
- The ar-10, that's my birthday present to you.
- Thanks, Bobby.
- Don't say shit to carmela.

- You being sarcastic?
- You can't put your problems on me.
- This is the most expensive retirement home in New Jersey.
- If you wanted to, you could be happy here.
- You're pissing it all away.
- What beautiful language for your mother.

- At least I can deal with my own problems.
- Unlike some I know.
- What's that mean?
- Take it however you want.
- Don't bullshit me.
- Guys, we here to play golf or what?
- Come on.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while reading through military school brochures during dinner] now this I like, "Highly Structured Environment."
Carmela: Which one is that?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: H.M.I. Hudson Military Institute: "A Second Century of Excellence."
A.J. Soprano: I never said I was going
Carmela: We're just looking honey
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: We're looking, and then your going
Carmela: [Answering the phone when it rang] hello? Oh, hi Marie, no, oh my God. Where's Rosalie?
Marie: She's right here, she can't come to the phone
Carmela: Tell her I'll be there as soon as I can
Carmela: [after hanging up] oh my God
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What is it?
Carmela: Jackie Jr. was shot to death in the Boonton projects by drug dealers.
Carmela: [while running out the kitchen] I'm going over to Rosalie's
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to A.J., after Carmella left, implying this is what happens when teenagers don't apply themselves academically and commit crimes] you see?

- Why are you telling me this?
- Because I felt guilty all these years, like it was my fault you went away.
- Anyway, now we're even.
- So the casino, all that shit you did for me, is because of that?
- You just take care of yourself, all right?
- You too.

- That's some true shit.
- They're not confirming any new made guys. How come?
- Fucking chaos. Nobody knows who's running things anymore.
- Guys don't know who to make payments up the ladder to in some cases.
- I'm talking about the year 2000.
- The millennium.
- Where do we go from here?

Carmela: [in prayer for Christopher's life] Gentle and merciful Lord Jesus, I want to speak to you now with an open heart, with an honest heart. Tonight I ask you to take my sins and the sins of my family into your merciful heart. We have chosen this life in full awareness of the consequences of our sins. I know that Christopher's life is in your hands... and his fate is your will. I ask you humbly to spare him. And if it is your will to spare him, I ask that you deliver him from blindness and grant him vision. And through this vision may he see your love... and gain the strength to carry on in service to your mercy. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- This is the life, huh?
- I'm with you.
- Yeah, we were just saying that.

- Pat him down.
- He fucking touches me...
- Then make it easy on us all.
- Take them off. Everything.
- New York reopened the books, but they laid down a probationary period.
- When I was coming up, this would never happen.
- But too many are doing a simulcast.
- Yeah, maybe you, you fuck.
- Do me a favor and don't take it personally.

Corrado: I'm sick and tired of him. Having to make excuses for him all the time.
Mikey: It isn't right.
Corrado: 'Cause he's a fuckin' mental weakling.
Mikey: I know.
Corrado: You don't know shit, Mikey! He's seeing a psychiatrist, for Christ's sake. How about that, huh? My nephew is seeing a psychiatrist! Makes me wanna cry.
Mikey: No shit.
Corrado: Indictments being prepared. He's spilling his guts.
Mikey: I fuckin' knew it.
Corrado: No you didn't fuckin' know it! I just told you! God knows how much of our family business he airs, if the place is bugged.
Mikey: That stuff's not admissible. It's that, uh, that doctor-patient privilege just like us and Melvoin.
Corrado: Melvoin's a lawyer. He's in the fuckin' ballpark. Suppose this shrink gets scared or something. You remember those two fuckin' Escobedo brothers, whoever the fuck, in California? They whacked their parents? The shrink was in the fuckin' witness chair.
Mikey: Shit.
Corrado: Anthony wants to play games. OK. I taught him games. I taught him how to play baseball.
Mikey: You're talking about clipping him?
Corrado: Nobody would slap my wrist if I did.

- You got something a little more current?
- Like those.
- Armanis.
- Flexible acetate frames, rimless lenses.
- You know what?
- I left my wallet in the car.
- I'll catch you next time.

- You okay?
- Could turn the air on.
- I'm good.
- Just I should have taken a leak before we left.

- Oh, did I say muff? I meant ruff.
- Good shot.
- What's that smell?
- Did you guys go to a Sushi bar?
- What's he talking about?
- I don't know.
- I thought you were a baccala man.
- What are you doing eating Sushi?
- You're fucking running off at the mouth.

- Wait here.
- Melissa found a memory stick in my Prada bag that wasn't printed.
- God, remember what a dick this guy was at first?
- Yeah. [Both laughing]
- I need to talk to you.

- I go in in two weeks.
- This has to stay between us, Anthony.
- Yeah, of course.
- Look, we'll get you help.
- We'll get you the best there is.
- First Jackie with cancer, then febby.
- Old man bacala had it, but now you'll get me help?
- These things come in threes.

- To the moon, Alice!
- I remember when you hit me, it was like, pow, to the moon.
- Don't get me steamed, Alice.
- And then you choked the shit out of me!
- Yeah, but that's after you were trying to put a fork in my eye.
- No, that was your mother!

Paulie: You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that?

- No more bets.
- Twenty.
- Holy fucking shit.
- Here.
- Much appreciated.

- Shh shh shh.
- Good girl.
- That's a good girl, okay?
- Shh. Okay?
- Trust me.
- Trust me, it's okay.
- Good girl.

- I was thinking about... okay, okay,
- I know this sounds kind of funny.
- Music management.
- I have met people, important people...
- Learned people skills, how to deal with big egos, solve problems.
- And with my love of all kinds of music...
- Maybe Alec Baldwin would come to our house.

- Artie, don't forget to call in that meat order.
- No problem.

- There's chicken parm.
- Was Christopher there?
- No.
- You know him and Adriana broke up?
- No.
- This kid. That's his trouble.
- He keeps it all bottled up.
- Then they wonder why they get chemical dependencies.

- What time Christopher say he'd get here?
- He's got that titanium club
- I wanted to give to Don v.
- Any time now.
- He was just going down to corso to buy a gift for Adrianna.

- Hey, you guys, come on in.
- We're just working.
- On the fuse box?
- No, we're making a demo, tryin' to get some major label interest here.
- God, the poor thing.

Tony: [Walks into the kitchen from the back yard and sees his family waiting for him] what?
Carmela: Your mother died
Tony: You're kidding
Tony: [Surprised] I mean... Jesus Christ
Carmela: Svetlana just called. She said after dinner your mother went upstairs to get ready for bed, when Svetlana came up she thought your mother was asleep
Carmela: [after Tony sits down at the kitchen table, she walks over and holds his hand] Svetlana's waiting for us over there
Tony: She's dead
Meadow: I'm sorry dad, that your mom died
A.J. Soprano: Me too
Tony: Hey, your grandmother loved you, both of you very much

Major: I for one think Anthony can greatly benefit from our program which as I candidly told him is very rigorous
Carmela: I will be very frank with you Major Zwingli, I do not agree with this hard-nosed discipline
Carmela: Mother's seldom do until he starts opening doors for you and pulling back your chair
Tony: Now that'd be a miracle, that's something we thought we could hope for
Carmela: What about creativity Tony? Independent thought?
Major: I stressed rather heavily with Anthony notions of duty and group think but I didn't think for now mention the army's motto of today: Be an Army of One
Carmela: Why be an army at all? How about a veterinarian? Isn't there enough war? Amputees? Horrible displaced...
Tony: [Interrupts her] his just going to march around a little bit
Major: I wouldn't get too hung up on the marching aspect, its part of it but it's nothing compared to the mentoring that comes through small class size, faculty involvement, and dorm life
Carmela: Well, that sounds wonderful certainly
Major: We've created too many options for our kids you can't blame them for being confused and when things go wrong we file them off to the ever burgeoning for profit substance recovery industry
Tony: This "Army of One" thing, what happens when each army of one decides "fuck it I'm not going over the top of the fox hole" or blew the lieutenant's head off? Because they've been told "be an army of one"
Major: I would submit Audie Murphy was an army of one
Carmela: [to Tony] is that what we're preparing him for? A career in the military?
Tony: No, no
Major: One day at a time

- Forget it, John.
- It's Allegra's wedding, Tony.
- The way things are,
- I don't know if I'll be around for Catherine's.
- I know you're going through a rough time right now, all right?
- Then do me this favor, Tony.

- Joe Zachary?
- Yeah.
- Oh, boys. No fires.
- Tony doesn't want any fires.

Carmela: [during family dinner, to Tony] while you were sleeping, we found out Hunter Scangarelo got into Reed College
Meadow: [to her mother, irritated] can't you be happy for Hunter? Reed was her first choice: she'd die if she didn't get in. Why do you always think everything has something to do with me?
A.J. Soprano: because you didn't get in anywhere
Carmela: [after chastising AJ for insulting his sister] nobody has heard anything for months: Hunter took early acceptance so she found out early, what that means is she could only apply to that one college. Your sister, on the other hand, gave herself a lot of options such as Bowdoin, Holy Cross, Georgetown...
Meadow: you know Georgetown is a total reach for me
Carmela: oh, please they'd be crazy not to want you
Meadow: if I can in there, I can probably get into Berkeley?
Tony: over my dead body
Meadow: there are more Nobel Prize winners in the San Francisco Bay area than any other area on the planet
Tony: Nobel Prize for what? Packing Fudge? Look, you know you can go anywhere you want to go to college but I'll tell you where I'm not gonna pay for, and that's Berkeley
A.J. Soprano: I want to go to Harvard or West Point
Tony: well, you might get to see them on television but that's about it: you wanna go to college like those, you gotta crack the books

- Clients there are so trampled and abused...
- Welcome to white-collar fraud.
- I need the e-mails from box 44 and 45, July and August.
- Pull them and leave them with my assistant.
- Okay.
- Tony soprano's kid.

- It's better this way.
- He's making the right decision.
- He'll get a place, you'll go and visit.
- It'll be better. You'll see.
- Well, you guys could still get back together maybe?
- Right?
- Yeah. Sure.
- We're still close.

Ralph: [Referring to Tony canceling the holiday dinner] you hear what he did with Thanksgiving?
Johnny: It's not good Ralph
Ralph: Will you please tell me what I did to this guy? Turn down a drink? I wasn't thirsty
Johnny: Ralph
Ralph: Ever since I'm back from Miami, his up my ass. I'm running with three hands here and it's still not good enough to satisfy this cocksucker and then he fuckin hits me? I'm telling you his not leaving me a lot of options here
Johnny: Don't talk crazy, you want to commit suicide? Pills are a lot easier
Ralph: What'd you think Carmine would say if I want to switch families? Come with you guys
Johnny: Carmine doesn't know who you are
Ralph: You could tell him
Johnny: Ralph. Listen to me, as a friend I know Tony can be difficult, his father was the same, and his uncle. They always need someone to demonize but New York and Sopranos have long standing ties and that's not going to change, not for you or anybody else. You want me to be frank? You brought this on yourself with that girl
Ralph: A. she was a whore, B she hit me, and C that wasn't my kid she was carrying. It was the fuckin coke I should've never started with that shit. Fuckin Miami: it's all over the place
Johnny: Just tell Anthony you're sorry
Ralph: I was high, I admit it and I swear to Christ I'm not doing it anymore
Johnny: [Reiterating to him that he should apologize] "Tony, I'm sorry"
Ralph: Fuck that, what good would that do?
Johnny: It might save your life
Ralph: [Speaking each word slowly to emphasize his point] "he hit me"
Johnny: He was wrong believe me he knows
Ralph: You don't think I know people are laughing behind my back?
Johnny: Talk to Tony. I'm sure he'll make it right
Ralph: At this point? How?
Johnny: I don't know. Would you take capo over your crew?
Ralph: No I wouldn't, no fuckin way

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [seeing Carmela for a session without Tony] You sounded tense on the phone
Carmela: I just wanted to make sure it was ok if I came alone? I mean Tony couldn't make it. I love the artwork you have here: the country scenes
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: thank you
Carmela: [referring to the nude statue in the waiting area] That statue is not my favorite
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond] Oh, come on, look, it's not like this when me and Tony are here together, you never give him the silent treatment
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Is that what you think? I'm giving you the silent treatment?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [when she doesn't respond] Maybe you can tell me why you came today?
Carmela: I'm worried about my husband: the mood swings. I thought... when his mother died maybe... but still half the time he doesn't even talk to me. You've seen him get like that, the day he stood here like a wall. I know he is your patient and I am only the patient's wife but you try living like that twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and see how you feel
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Carmela: Oh, you do? Well, for your information, I am not the only one: the fact is Tony isn't under the weather today, he just didn't feel like coming. Fuck that shit is what I think he said
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Usually when that happens when we touch on a nerve, he was distressed over this young man's death in the garbage compactor
Carmela: He didn't say garbage compactor, did he?
Carmela: [when Melfi doesn't respond, referring to they didn't realize Tony was lying to them on the cause of death of the young man when he first told them] See?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What is it you believe?
Carmela: You know about his job, he reports to a strip club, who knows how he spends his days?
Carmela: [after beginning to cry] I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated, Tony's been out of sorts for so long. There is nothing I can do to help him
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I think coming to therapy with him has stirred up a lot of feelings in you that you would like to address with somebody?
Carmela: Oh, please, I am just a little emotional today
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I would like to help you but as you pointed out your husband is my patient
Carmela: I am not the one who needs mental help, I just needed to vent

- I bought cookie a card from the gift shop downstairs.
- I cared enough and I sent the very best.
- Don't you worry, ma.
- I'm gonna talk to the social director.
- She's the one to straighten this all out.
- But in the meantime, maybe you can make new friends.
- But you gotta get up out of bed.
- At least sit up.

- He should be a candidate for a brain transplant.
- To his credit, all he was thinking about was straightening out for the week.
- Fuck that "honor and loyalty" shit.
- It was a maneuver, Carlo,
- 'cause he knew it was his own fucking fault.

Tony: [while in the elevator after meeting with Phil] you got your head up your ass today, what's going on?
Paulie: My aunt Dottie's been sick, the call I got: she just died
Tony: Oh sorry, your mom's sister or your dad's?
Paulie: Mom's
Tony: She must be broken up?
Paulie: [after they arrive on their hospital floor] here we are
Tony: I guess your brother and sister are coming in?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: Your aunt, the nun?
Paulie: Yeah
Tony: [Referring to the coif that is worn by nuns] I always wondered, they got hair under there?
Paulie: Yeah, short
Tony: Maybe you don't want to talk about it
Paulie: Yeah

- I knew you'd chicken out.
- He chickened out, he's scared.
- He's real scared of you.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You won, man!
- Yeah, tonio, you won!
- I'm leaving.

- 'This is our version of the protestant ethic, '
- Mr. Ferrarotti said.
- The case concerned a clerk of a civil court in potenza...
- Who was jailed for promising to speed up someone's trial.
- Evidence showed that he received
- 88 pounds of fish...
- In return for his assistance."

- Hello.
- Who is this guy, anyway?
- My first.
- Czechoslovakian guy.
- This is the second time I'm moving him.

- Can we move this along?
- I have a thyroid in or six at 10:30.
- Based on the preliminary results and depending on the full report...
- Is it clean, enloe, or not?
- Yes, it's clean.
- Miles, you close.
- Quickly.
- I've got his BP up, don't know for how long.
- Watch and learn, miles.
- Watch and learn.

- I think it's important that we talk about this.
- Do you think you could come back later this afternoon?
- Till Tuesday.
- Okay?
- Yeah, all right.
- See you Tuesday.

Ralph: [refusing to loan Artie money after he asked for it] I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm going to pass.
Artie: Why not?
Ralph: Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: To what do I owe this pleasure?
Carmela: I don't know if you'll see it that way I asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: That's nice, you invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? So you think I won't make a scene?
Carmela: Spare me your outrage accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?
Carmela: You and I both know that didn't change anything
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: First of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce, we believe in the nuclear family
Carmela: Despite your best efforts I have attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of AJ and an equitable distribution of our assets
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Our assets?
Carmela: I am through in trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum for me to live
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: So it's all fucking money? That's all this is to you?
Carmela: After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to that bullshit tax return?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You want money? What about the forty grand you stole from the bird feeder? You're such an investment genius
Carmela: You want this to get ugly? Because these guys live for that
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And you think I don't? The only reason you have anything is because of my fucking sweat you knew every step of the way where the money comes from, you walk around in that mansion in your five hundred dollar shoes and diamond rings and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, you don't want it to get ugly? Too late
Carmela: I want what I'm entitled to

Silvio: [During Eugene's wake] you got any beefs? I'm the one you come to. Likewise weekly I'll collect for the skip, keep it for him until his back on his feet, take out a portion for Carmella around the house and that shit there. Anybody got any questions? For now not personal questions relating to yourself but the family. Yeah Vito
Vito: [after he raised his hand] the sports book in Roseville, those rights should go to me now because Eugene was with me
Silvio: What'd I just say? Not about yourself
Carlo: What do we do about Junior?
Christopher: His in jail that puts him out of our reach
Vito: Not necessarily
Larry: His a demented old fuck. I say we do nothing, let him rot. Sever all ties, end this embarrassment right now
Vito: [Referring to the murder of Marvin Gaye by his father] he "Marvin Gayed" his own nephew: the boss of this family
Paulie: What happens to Junior is Tony's call
Bobby: That's right
Vito: Bobby, with all due respect, where the fuck were you that night? Why was the skipper babysitting Junior?
Bobby: I had other family obligations, ask my wife. Tony volunteered
Vito: Are we done? I'm going back to the hospital

- I wanted to make sure you had this before you checked out.
- Whoa, whoa. Not here.
- It's all right.
- Let's go.
- Ton'?
- Let's go.

- Things have changed around here.
- I'm the boss of this fucking family.
- You're crowding me.
- You don't make fun of me, got it?
- Got it.
- And knock off the massage shit.
- It's a place of business, not a Jack lalanne.

- Cheryl, make sure
- Mr. Soprano is scheduled for...
- Just remember it.

Orange: We're havin' a party at G's crib. Englewood Cliffs. You interested?
Christopher: And I get served with black-eyed peas tomorrow? Yo, I know what time it is.

- Anthony Jr., turn off that music!
- Your father is sleeping!
- You said I couldn't watch TV or play Nintendo.
- What?
- You said nothing about music!
- -Turn it off right now! -why?
- Your father is sleeping, for Christ sake!
- Mom, I can't find it. Where is it?

Angelo: Jesus, don't! Phil, please! Philly, you know me.
Phil: You couldn't fuckin' retire?
Angelo: Philly, for God's sake, you know me!
[Phil shoots Angelo twice in the head]

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [Reading a letter from Tony to her psychiatrist, Dr. Kupferberg] I've been thinking, and I apologize for my use of foul language, 'foul' with a "w"... in regards to yourself. You said some very hurtful things to me in regards to myself. But it is still no excuse to use the vile word that I used of which I am sure you know that I'm talking about. You don't wish us to be social friends, and so that is that. I still have great... riggard for you even though you said some horrible things. P.S. I'm doing fine, Anthony.

[Tony urges Dr. Melfi to get out of town for a while]
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I have patients who are suicidal!
Tony: Well they're not gonna feel any better about their life if you get clipped.

- To go there and do a go-see with everybody...
- From the harbor master on down.
- Which is what I was trying to avoid.
- You want it renegotiated, that's what we'll do.
- Don't make me go to Perth amboy.
- I'm trying to free myself up to do a little global thinking.
- Right.

- Don't fucking drag in our friendship.
- This isn't about that. You work for me.
- Yeah, I want to...
- Just shut your mouth and listen.
- I'll give you a few days...
- But it'll cost you another two g's as a reminder not to fuck it up.
- I make myself clear?
- And don't give me the malocchio.
- I'm not the one with the short bag.

- What are you doing here?
- You're here.
- What?
- I was at a bachelor party.
- I got dragged here.
- This is what we talked about.
- Get your money and get out.
- Sorry.
- I don't wanna see you here again.
- You won't.
- Smarten up.

- You're fucking crazy.
- I'm going home.
- Why don't you want to take your clothes off?
- I got high blood pressure!
- I go in there, I could check out!
- My doctor mentioned steam and sauna specifically as no-noes.
- He said stay the fuck away from heat!
- Thanks for the thought.
- But get out of my fucking face.

- Tony?
- Maybe you'd like to tell them how ma...
- Saved all your childhood schoolwork and none of mine or Barbara's.
- You just did. Wrap it up, Janice.

[ Female ] Oh, my god.
- What did you freak out for?
- Holy shit!

- Tony's second night in the coma, I told him I loved him.
- When was the last time
- I said that?
- Are you afraid you aren't going to feel that way when he wakes up?
- Anthony tells me things have been...
- Better between you.

- And I disrespected the bing.
- And the girl.
- That shouldn't have happened.
- Like I said, I was doing a lot of coke.
- I gave that up.
- And end of story.
- And I'm sorry, Tony. Okay?

- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- What, are you having dinner?
- Hey, you. Have you settled on a caterer yet?
- Can I talk to you?

- I will go to court and get power of attorney and place you there.
- Then kill me now.
- Go on, go into the ham...
- And take the carving knife and stab me here.
- Here! Now please, it would hurt me less than what you just said.
- I know seniors that are inspired!

Rusty: Angelo here spoke very highly of you and how you handled yourself in Pennsylvania, that's why I wanted to meet you
Angelo: [Referring to the slang term used to describe two people closely associated as to be indistinguishable] We were like "Frick and Frack" in the can
Tony: Angelo's my buddy
Rusty: So how your reentry going? Doing ok?
Tony: Yeah, Tony's been good with me
Rusty: I always liked your cousin
Angelo: His a real gentlemen
Rusty: Angelo's looking out for you too
Angelo: I told Rusty you might need a little "earn"
Tony: Well, yeah I could use a little cash injection, maybe a little push up the pyramid, you know "time served"
Angelo: We need something done
Rusty: A nice little payday for you and an opportunity to hone that rep you left behind
Tony: And this involves?
Angelo: Somebody needs to go
Tony: Anyone I know?
Angelo: New York guy, not Jersey
Tony: Who's he with?
Rusty: "Friend of a friend, not a "friend of ours".
Angelo: Friend of Johnny's
Tony: You guys got to settle that shit
Rusty: [Also telling Tony her nickname] It's Lorraine Calluzzo: "Rainie" Calluzzo
Angelo: Little Carmine went to school with her. They go back that far
Rusty: Kill a woman? Come on
Tony: I can't sign on right now. I want to give my cousin the benefit of the doubt. He doesn't want us involved in this problem here anyway
Rusty: Why don't you think about it for a bit?
Tony: I don't know. I don't think so, but thanks guys

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Just take your medicine, Uncle Jun'. Make you feel better. Help with your memory.
Corrado: Believe me, there's plenty I'd like to forget.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah, you and me both.

- You kept telling me this guy is good.
- It's amazing it was written so long ago.
- It's, like, about right now.
- This could be a mistake.
- I know.
- We're good friends.
- Yeah.
- Oh, wait. [ Chuckles ]

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [telling a joke, while eating in an Irish pub] A rich man and a poor man got the same wedding anniversary. Every year, they'd meet on Madison Avenue shopping for their wives, so the poor man says to the rich man What'd you buy your wife this year? He says, I got her a huge diamond ring and a brand-new Mercedes, poor man says, What'd you get her both for? Rich man says, If she doesn't like the diamond ring, she can bring back the Mercedes and still be happy. Rich man says to the poor man What'd you get your wife this year? He says, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo, rich man says, What'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo for? Poor man says If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after Pussy laughs] You remember the first time you brought me here?
Salvatore: Yeah, I remember
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the first time he killed someone for the mob] I popped my cherry that night
Salvatore: Yeah, seems like old times
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You believe in God?
Salvatore: Yeah, I absolutely do, works in very mysterious ways, it's a wonder how He performs, no doubt. His been good to me

- What man?
- Oh, a double.
- You tell him, sweetie.
- I like this girl!
- Women, women, women.
- Why was I born handsome instead of rich?

Tony: [after kicking him] you drew down on a boss of a fuckin family?
Christopher: You lied to me, you were scoring coke with her, she admitted it
Tony: [shouts] so what? I can't get any relief from stress once in a while I don't got enough fuckin problems?
Christopher: You sent me to North Carolina so you can fuck my girlfriend
Tony: The fuck kind of animal do I think I am? The thought never entered my head!
Christopher: You're a man, you're alone in the car with her
Tony: You fuckin pushed me to this, you pushed me to this!
Paulie: The way I see it Tony, he must've known the gun was empty. Look what he pumped into your car
Christopher: [When trying to stand up to confront Paulie before being subdued by Frankie Cortese and Corky DiGioia] what're you trying to say Paulie? The fuck are you trying to say Paulie?
Tony: [Knees down in front of him, looking directly in his eyes] now you tell me right now: you can take it into your heart that I did not do this shit. Or this is as far we go

- He's nothing but lip and attitude.
- She's imitating.
- She's got that pitch-perfect ear.
- I'm a little hyper today.
- Maybe it's these estrogen pills.
- Well, if you're as hungover as I am...

Tony: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
Anthony: Oh, right. I'm so special.
Tony: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
Anthony: I don't want a blowjob!
Tony: Keep your voice down.
Anthony: Why? Who's listening out there?
Tony: Nobody.
[Carmela opens the door]
Anthony: Ah, fuck me!

- Kick leaves and shit over it.
- Where did you learn how to drive one of those?
- Grandfather's construction site.
- He let me fuck around when I was just 13.
- He was a good guy.

- Jesus Christ, carmine.
- What the fuck?
- Why would you possibly bring that up?
- He's holdin' the board, looking the other way.
- So the nail gun goes off, bam!
- Right through the dude's cheek.
- Oh, fuck.

- Playing bingo, Livia?
- Oh, not tonight, honey.
- You know, she's a degenerate gambler.
- Milly. Milly?
- My son.
- Handsome.

Rusty: You can't stayed holed up in here, it's not healthy Carmine.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: How'd it get to this? Retaliation, counter attacks.
Rusty: We back down, broke it down, what kind of a message does that send?
Eddie: Not just to Johnny's people either.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: Billy Leotardo what the hell was that?
Eddie: This Blundetto asshole went "off the reservation."
Rusty: With all due respect Carmine that's why you need to get out there. Put your ear to the street, let the guys see you take the reigns.
Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.: That's not how I want to handle it.

Christopher: [Referring to Jackie Jr] Little mother fucker, his going Tony. His going big time
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You sure it was Jackie Jr.?
Christopher: I find him, I'm doing him tonight
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: No, your not
Christopher: Why not?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Because I said so
Christopher: Why?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I don't have to explain nothing to you
Christopher: Because his Jackie Aprile's kid? Your not going to let this go. You can't do that, he took a shot at me. He tried to kill Furio, we're "made."
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Every person you whack, you risk exposure. Major murders: it's what the Feds ask for Christmas
Christopher: Bullshit, your a fuckin hypocrite
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: The fuck you just say?
Christopher: You preach all this wise guy shit and meanwhile the only ones that got to play by rules are us. I loved you
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What happens is what I decide not you. Now you don't love me anymore that breaks my heart but it's too fuckin bad because you don't got to love me, but you will respect me

- What's the matter, Tony?
- Nothin'.
- I tell you we do real good business-wise?
- I got fuckin' double on those cars.
- Here he comes.
- Hey, c'mon!

- You got any wine?
[Speaks Italian] Malanga!

Meadow: [to Jackie after getting out of Ambujam's car when seeing him leave his apartment with Rita] I can't believe you did this to me
Jackie Aprile Jr.: what're you doing here?
Meadow: I loved you
Rita: [to Meadow] who the hell are you?
Ambujam: [to Rita] fuck you bitch
Rita: [to Ambujam] what'd you say?
Meadow: [to Jackie] don't ever call me again
Jackie Aprile Jr.: [to Meadow as she gets back into Ambujam's car] wait
Rita: [to Ambujam while they drive away] yeah, you better leave, bitch
Jackie Aprile Jr.: the fuck's the matter with you? That's Tony Soprano's daughter
Rita: oh, what do I care, asshole?

- Florida.
- So high on coke I forgot to call him.
- Then I thought I did.
- Well, you cut back on that shit, right?
- I'm a different man.
- My poor baby.
- My little boy.

- Hell of a tub here, guys.
- Sea, sun. I'm gonna make it my second home.
- Anybody else hungry? Huh?
- We'll get lunch started.
- Artie, another Margarita?
- I could say no, but I won't.

- You gonna say something, or what?
- It's your dime.
- What's he doing here?
- A friend of mine walked by.

- now I'm gonna beat the can.
- That's too high. Bring it down.
- What is this?
- What's that?
- Cosmo.
- He's not bad when he's had a few 'bucas.
- He's shitfaced.
- And don't laugh.

- My uncle has memory loss.
- Maybe it's hereditary.
- Someone's probably studying that.
- Is it possible that I am Kevin finnerty?
- All right, I'll stop.

Carmela: [sternly, after rushing him away from a reporter] what did I tell you?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: we were just talking
Carmela: don't talk to them: say nothing. Where are your father's CDs?
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: oh, I forgot
Carmela: [irritated] Jesus, everybody here is pitching in but you
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: [sarcastically] thanks mom
Carmela: I wish you would go to class if this is all your gonna do
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano,: with my father in the hospital?
Carmela: [giving him money] go to the deli on Broad St. get some baked goods, get enough for everybody upstairs, get an assortment
Carmela: [points to another exit to avoid being seen by the press] go this way

Rhiannon: [when they recognize each other, referring to the mental hospital their admitted into] What're you doing here?
A.J. Soprano: You first
Rhiannon: Food "issues", depression
A.J. Soprano: You keeping up with Hernan?
Rhiannon: Fuckin slime ball, I caught him finger banging my cousin in the ski lift
A.J. Soprano: Somebody said you were modeling?
Rhiannon: [nods, referring to the name of the agency] Yeah, I guess, I signed with Elite

Ralph: [referring to the amount of money Dino and Jackie gave him] not bad
Dino: since we're "kicking up", we were "hoping", you could, you know, "watch our back?"
Ralph: three fifty buys you "hello", "watching your back" is going to require a little more "initiative" on your part
Ralph: [after he sees Jackie rolls his eyes and shake his head] oh, look at the face, what's he got to be frowning about?
Ralph: [to Jackie] tell me Romeo, now that you've moved back home, are you gonna be humping Tony Soprano's little girl on our couch?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: fuck her and Tony, too, with his "staying in school" bullshit. He could have reached out to somebody at Rutgers
Ralph: he should break the dean's legs, because you're too lazy to read a fuckin book. Now go ahead, I gotta make some calls: you did good, keep coming by

- All I know about this guy is he drives a livery cab, and he wasn't very nice to someone important to me.
- Don't think another thing about this.
- I'll find him, I'll kick the shit out of him.
- No, no, no, I'm gonna do this.
- This motherfucker's mine.

- That motherless, money grubbing little son of a bitch that runs a...
- The guy who owns green grove?
- He's like an old lady, going around...
- Telling soprano business to anybody who'll listen!
- He's the one saying you tried to whack your mother.
- Even implied that me and her...
- That hairpiece motherfucker!

- It's about love.
- See it that way.
- What does that mean?
- It means...
- Hopefully someday we will learn to tolerate...
- Accept and forgive those that are different.
- Change through love.

Jimmy: I got enough cologne on?
Christopher: You smell like Paco Rabanne crawled up your ass and died.

Salvatore: [regarding Feech] What did I ever do to this guy?
Paulie: They release these fucks from the can. Obviously, he wasn't rea-bull-ated.

Christopher: So, where the fuck you been?
Adriana: We need to talk.
Christopher: I asked you a question.
Adriana: I know. There's something I need to tell you.
Christopher: Is it that fuckin' Bobby DeMarco?
Adriana: No, please. I've got to get through this. About a year ago, I was arrested.
Christopher: For what? What're you talking about?
Adriana: For drugs.
Christopher: Where? At the club?
Adriana: You remember my friend Danielle?
Christopher: She set you up?
Adriana: [Nervously] She was an FBI agent, she lied to me. They wanted to arrest you, too. I was just trying to protect you. All they said was they just wanted some information, and they would leave us alone. I didn't tell them nothing. I swear to God, just license plates, some other stupid shit. They wanted me to wear a wire but I wouldn't do it, but now there was a murder at the club and they know about it. Matush and some other guy. I tried to cover it up, but I had no choice. They've been filming us in the parking lot.
Christopher: [shouting, after punching her, while choking her] We're dead you know that? How could you fuckin' do this to us? I fuckin' loved you.

Tony: [while visiting Bryan Spatafore in the hospital, after greeting everybody] how's he doing?
Gigi: I talked to him before. I think he squeezed my hand
Vito: His going to be a vegetable Tony, a fuckin retard
Tony: No, his going to be fine
Ralph: [after no one found his joke amusing] well look at the bright side, he wasn't that smart to begin with. Come on it's a tense situation a little levity huh?
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] What're you doing here?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: I can't visit my cousin?
Vito: [Referring to Mustang Sally] I want this cocksucker to bleed from his ass skipper
Gigi: You got it
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Just say the word: my fuckin pleasure
Tony: [to Jackie Jr] Why don't you grab us some coffee?
Jackie Aprile Jr.: Come on, are you kidding?
Paulie: [after pulling his chair away from the hospital bed] better yet: Go to the ears, nose, and throat department: get your hearing checked
Tony: All right, obviously you told the cops you don't know who did this?
Vito: I'm upset, but please... I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph: Unless of course there's a salami sandwich around.
Gigi: [Turns round to confront Ralphie] what the fuck is wrong with you? We're trying to have a meeting here
Ralph: Oh, two minutes in charge, he thinks his Lee Iacocca
Tony: [while tapping his right shoulder, implying they shouldn't start a confrontation inside the hospital] come on, not here
Tony: [to Vito] there's no beef between your brother and Mustang Sally?
Paulie: Didn't owe him any money? Nothing like that?
Vito: No, nothing
Ralph: [Referring to Mustang Sally] this kid's a whack job: Meadowlands last year remember? Threw a hot dog vendor off the second mezzanine, too many fuckin onions or some shit
Tony: [to Gigi] you get him under control?
Gigi: With extreme fuckin prejudice
Tony: [to Paulie, after nodding to Gigi meaning his giving his approval to have Mustang Sally killed] we gotta to go

- What are we, shon?
- Who we missing?
- Tracee.
- Left sick on Saturday, haven't seen her since.
- For three days?!
- Fucking twat.

- He says, "I wasn't talking to you."
- Vito... he was found beat to death this morning in a motel in fort Lee.
- My cop up there told me.
- Minchia.
- Plus the homicide detectives told him vito had a pool cue rammed up his ass.

- This very morning god gave me a gift, and I will use that gift.
- I won't waste it, like I wasted 24 fucking years with this man.
- You know what the church says about divorce.
- Oh please, let the pope live with him.

- Oh, that's good.
- He was a wolf in sheep's clothing.
- He made all these accusations about my character.
- Whatever I say, whatever I do, because I was married to a man like Tony, my motives will always be called into question.

- Who was at the door?
- "Williams-sonoma. From Paulie.
- The Elektra semiautomatic chrome Espresso machine."
- So?
- My god, Tony.
- This is like $2000.
- I mean, what is wrong with that man?
- What's wrong with him? Nothing.
- It's guys like him that allows our whole lifestyle here.

- Kill me. Kill me, you cocksu...
- You fucking bitch!
- Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
- Kill me.
- Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me...
- Kill me.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Meeting in an Office Max] where's Carmine at?
Johnny: [Referring to the terms of the proposal] No change what so ever
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: where you at?
Johnny: I think a movement from below is not palpable for the other bosses. It's what they do most. A movement from outside is more forgivable and more understandable: given the facts here. I mean you've been reasonable
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: If I do it, what'd you do for me?
Johnny: I take a "say it so" and make it better with the other families as regards to you. It's smart to have reservations but there's differences between this and Castellano. Yes you still got four other families that could raise a stink but Andy's my brother in law. I have their ear
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm going to pass
Johnny: The fuck you talking about?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm taking all the risk
Johnny: The fuck you were talking about last time? What would it take?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Fuck even one percentage point. All claims to my HUD business are irrigated
Johnny: Alright
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Before hugging] all future construction projects: sixty forty in my favor

Tony: The story you heard, with the pool?
Carmela: Oh my God, please
Janice: What?
Carmela: No, you don't wanna know: Pradeep, our pharmacist was at a pool party. All the kids were playing in the water adults were all around having drinks, barbequing. Somehow, even with all of these people around, this three-year-old child managed to fall into the pool. Nobody even noticed until they finally found him floating face down in the water
Tony: Brain dead
Carmela: Poor kid's in one of those padded wheelchair now
Tony: I can't get that story out of my mind. I don't know why.

Ralph: [to Pie-o-My's trainer] And tell that midget not to be shy with the whip.
Hesh: [about Ralph] If only his mother had taken that advice.

- Honey, who is it?
- Evening, ma'am.
- He has our dog.
- Where is petey?
- He was locked in.
- Come get him.
- I wouldn't want petey to get hit by a car.

- The important thing is a.J.'S getting the help he needs.
- Whatever it is, I'm sure it's a chemical imbalance.
- Ask me, it's all these toxins they're exposed to.
- It fucks with their brains.
- Between the Mercury in fish alone...
- It's a wonder there ain't more kids jumping off Bridges.

- I gotta work at that.
- And I had the prostate.
- All right, sure.
- Go ahead.
- I'm a little miffled, but, yeah, sit with it.
- Thanks, t. This means everything, your faith in me.

- Thank you. That's for you.
- Say hello to Freddy, all right?

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, sometimes what happens in here is like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, okay. Although I prefer to think of it more like childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Trust me. It's like taking a shit.

- Now, what did I do? What's the matter?
- Tell me. What's the matter?
- Go sit over there.
- We'll do this.
- Go.
- It's just my knee.

- It's like he losing focus on my shit.
- My son says he's more popular than ever 'cause of it.
- What I know is
- I ain't gonna have...
- No major release this year.
- Man.
- Dean"

- Dr. Cipolla's service.
- I need to talk to the doctor.
- Is this an emergency?
- Of course.
- Dr. Cipolla's out of town.
- Dr. Paglieri's on call.
- Do you wanna be connected?
- Nah.

Jack: [while giving him a painting of the Rat Pack] I saw this and I thought of you
Tony: [surprised] Oh, look at that
Jack: A little gift to show my gratitude for all our work together
Tony: [shakes his hand, referring to the images of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr] Thanks. Look at those guys: they had sometime
Jack: You know we're gonna finally cut the ribbon for the museum on the twenty second? Their gonna ask me to make a speech on the challenges of contemporary urban development
Jack: [after placing his order with the waitress] listen, my buddy in City Planning says they pulled the permit to turn the old bus into a mixed use but the thing is Zellman hasn't given me a number, has he said anything to you about another bid?
Tony: We don't talk much, take your hat off: relax
Jack: yeah, I just started Rogaine, do you think you can ask Ron if this falls under the same arrangement?
Tony: [points to his desert] Kind of soggy if you want to know the truth
Jack: [nervously] This is federal redevelopment
Tony: I'll look into it
Tony: [after the waitress brings Jack's order to the table] So, a speech huh?
Jack: Yeah
Tony: [referring to the name of their construction project] The Museum of Science and Trucking
Jack: I just wish my mother could've seen it
Tony: Well, whenever she is, I'm sure she's proud
Jack: Actually, I do know exactly where she is and it's pretty fuckin hot
Tony: You had one of those too huh?

Christopher: You ever feel like nothin' good was ever gonna happen to you?
Paulie: Yeah. And nothin' did. So what? I'm alive, I'm survivin'.
Christopher: That's it. I don't wanna just survive. It's says in these movie writing books that every character has an arc. Understand?
Paulie: [shakes head]
Christopher: Like everybody starts out somewheres. and they do something, something gets done to them and it changes their life. That's called an arc. Where's my arc?

- Lawrence wedding?
- No.
- Long-term or short-term?
- Can't you just park it?

- Between us, she's black.
- Oh!
- You're bangin' a shine?
- She's hot too. Classy.
- Not that it would matter to Paulie.
- I'd still have to listen to all his racial bullshit.
- Yeah. She would feel it too.

Meadow: [sitting at the kitchen counter next to Finn] There's these poor hard-working people
Carmela: Finn, you're not eating?
Finn: coffee's good
Meadow: I meant it, the government's completely fucking this family over
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while walking into the kitchen] when did it start that she can use that kind of language in this house with immunity?
Meadow: I'm telling mom about these people who came into the office yesterday
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [jokingly] let me guess: was it a crack whore trying to get her kids back for the welfare money?
Meadow: actually, it was a family from Afghanistan who fled the Taliban and sweat it out in a refugee camp and hold down three jobs
Meadow: [to her father when he air plays a violin pretending to show sympathy, causing AJ to laugh] you think it's funny? The FBI snatched their son off the street like we're some third world dictatorship
Finn: It's pretty scary
Carmela: There must've been some reason Meadow
A.J. Soprano: Like he's a terrorist maybe?
Meadow: [irritated, adamantly] 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Bush is using it as an excuse to erode our Constitution protections and you're falling for it
Carmela: I voted for him
Meadow: Right, you don't relate to black people clinging to locks
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [as Meadow walks away] you ought to chill out on some of this

- That's right.
- Bobby, all due respect, where the fuck were you that night?
- Why was the skipper babysitting junior?
- I had other family obligations.
- Ask my wife. Tony volunteered.
- Are we done?
- I'm going back to the hospital.

- Thank you.
- Look, I'm asking you to pull with me to put a good face on this thing.
- For the sake of the kids and this family.
- I gotta bail you out?
- It's never-ending, your bullshit.

Salvatore: President Franklin is my best friend.

- I got like a 450 on my math sat.
- Fuck that shit, bro.
- I could hook you up in like 10 minutes.
- Can I dance for you, baby?
- I guess.
- Yeah, dude. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You got mayonnaise on your chin.
- What?
- Mayonnaise! Mayonnaise!

Carmela: [Confronting Christopher at his intervention] I know you were high at my mother-in-law's wake.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: My mudda's wake!

Phil: [visiting him in prison, referring to Tony Soprano, intentionally talking in code] so the split with your friend in Jersey, it should be the same as the old business we do over there
Johnny: that's Public Works, this isn't
Phil: I'll hold the "line"
Johnny: don't turn it into World War Three. So, day to day, how you getting along with Tony?
Phil: you asked me to bury the hatchet, I'm doing it out of respect to you, am I still grieving over my brother Bill? That'll never go away
Johnny: I appreciate it, with me in here...
Phil: I hear you
Phil: [when seeing Ginny and Anthony arriving to visit John] your bride: she's a "rock" for you kid
Johnny: her brother's fitting me for contacts. When the trial starts, I don't wanna be reading documents in the courtroom with glasses, looks weak

Ralphie: Oh what, not even a hello?
Tracee: Fuck you, asshole.
Ralphie: Oh that's very nice. That's how you talk to a man in front of his friends?
Tracee: Yeah, right. What man?
Christopher: Oh, a double!
Bobby: You tell him, sweety!
Gigi: [clapping] I like this girl!
Ralphie: Women, women, women . Why wasn't I born handsome instead of rich?

- Don't go, daddy.
- What is that?
- Briefcases aren't allowed.
- No, the voice.
- Please, let me take that from you.
- Looks like it weighs a ton.
- I don't want to.
- Well, you need to.
- You need to let go.
- We love you, daddy.
- Don't leave us.

Uncle: [In Italian, during Furio's father's funeral] you can't let it get to you. My brother lived a full life. He had lots of women. That's the best you can hope for. Are you going to stay around for a while?
Furio: [In Italian] since I left America all I thought about was coming back here. When I saw Naples from the airplane I got a hard on
Uncle: [In Italian] what do you expect? It's home
Furio: [In Italian] I don't know anymore. Even the San Genaro Cathedral I went to pray for my father. There were hamburger wrappers everywhere
Uncle: [In Italian] I don't think it's litter that's got you turned around
Furio: [In Italian] there's a woman
Uncle: [In Italian] so go home to her. You did the duties of a son
Furio: [In Italian] she's the Don's wife
Uncle: [In Italian] Soprano?
Furio: [In Italian] he doesn't know
Uncle: [In Italian] you fucking her?
Furio: [In Italian] no, I'm not even sure he knows. I never even kissed her
Uncle: [In Italian] good so you stay away. No harm done
Furio: [In Italian] I don't think I can. I love her
Uncle: [In Italian] you fucking crazy? All the shit I pulled in my life I never fucked the boss's life. You know why?
Furio: [In Italian] stop the rhetorical questions
Uncle: [In Italian] because I know he would kill me if he found out, and they always find out everything: these bosses. The only way you can have her is if you killed the man
Furio: [In Italian] I know this
Uncle: [In Italian] So? Don't be an idiot

- Pope says, "he gets a mansion and I get a hovel?"
- St. Peter says, "your holiness, we got hundreds of popes up here.
- This is the first Jewish accountant!"
- I used to be able to write off condoms.
- What do you get when you cross an accountant with a giant jet airplane?
- A boring 747.

- The super bowl returns...
- How much? A dime? You got it.
- We're writing a lot of slips on this game.
- I'm going to the betting parlor.

- So, Meadow, what business is your father in?
- Actually, um, he's in waste management.
- Ah, toxic chemicals, medical waste, that sort of thing?
- Yeah, sort of, environmental cleanup.
- Let's give a big bada bing welcome to tracee.

Tony: Where the fuck you been?
Silvio: [Before handing him a glass of liquor] I had some shit I had to take care of, your going to want a "snort"
Tony: Come on, I just finished my Bialy
Silvio: Take it. Burt Gervasi, his gone
Tony: What happened?
Silvio: I didn't want to overload you with AJ in the hospital
Tony: I don't want to hear that: go
Silvio: Burt let me know the other night his been playing both sides of the fence with New York
Tony: [Surprised] Burt?
Silvio: [as Tony notices a bandage on Sil's right hand] measures were taken. Burt wasn't speaking for just himself. The guys are getting squeezed hard to sway them to new management
Tony: And they thought you'd be part of it?
Silvio: And he got an answer. My hope is now Phil's got the message and talk this shit through
Tony: Talk?

- They're back!
- Great fucking timing.

- What's that painting mean to you?
- Nothing. It just reminds me of David hockey.

- That's him.
- Remember, they don't want nothing above the neck.
- Let's do it.

- You're a liar!
- What was he lying about?
- The old man?
- What's he look like?
- Like an old fucking man.
- He's all coughing and shit.
- Uncle Bobby, thank god.
- Thanks for coming.
- More fucking stairs.

- He was spotted three blocks away.
- By Mickey Farrell.
- You're gonna believe some drunken Irish fucking prick over me?
- Have a drink.
- I don't want a fucking drink.
- Have one anyway.
- So how's your daughter doing?
- Good.

Silvio: [referring to Phil's responsibility behind Vito's death] People are gonna expect a "response"
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: This is what I was taking about
Silvio: We "hit" one of Phil's guys?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [referring to the nickname of mob boss Joseph Bonanno] "Joe Bananas" went after Carlo Gambino, "made" guys got killed: the war went seven years. How many times I gotta say this? "When guys are on mattresses, they're not out earning"
Silvio: [referring to what they should do about their response] So... what?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [after thinking it over] All Phil cares about is fuckin money: his got a wireroom in Sheepshead Bay, right? Our guys have seen it?
Silvio: Yeah

- I'm making you captain.
- You are? That's great.
- That's fucking great.
- Anthony, you're not gonna be sorry.
- Thank you.

Silvio: [referring to Ralph's snubbing of Tony] "Another time, Anthony"?
Tony: Cocksucker turns his back on the boss?
Silvio: That, I couldn't believe.
Tony: Lucky I didn't put one in his fuckin' head.
Silvio: On that front, don't be surprised if Paulie pops the question. Raphie's star is rising. All those unions. Paulie can't come near that kind of cash for us.
Tony: Ralph's a good earner.
Silvio: A guy like that? Loose cannon. He'll be leaving your house, he'll pull a "Jack Ruby" on you.
Tony: Why did I have to punch this fuckin' asshole?
Silvio: Frankly, I was a little surprised.
Tony: Are you gonna start on me now? He disrespected The Bing.
Silvio: So? He's barred from the place.
Tony: He bashed that poor girl's brains in.
Silvio: I hear you. I know. It was a tragedy. The fact is though: she was not related to you by blood or marriage. She was not your goomar. Ralphie's a made guy, Ton'. All things considered, he's got a legitimate beef. Make him disappear, or make nice. You only got two choices. I would suggest something in the way of an apology.
Tony: Absolutely fucking not!
Silvio: Do something public to show there's no bad blood.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [meeting in Johnny Sack's backyard] Phil has to understand that a punishment has been meted out, and what we are here for, in the end, is to provide, for our sons, our families, the future.
John: He doesn't accept that. His family is smaller by one.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Then, my friend, it's up to you to make him accept that.
John: Make him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Let's talk, John, about the 500-pound elephant in the room, which is that you started this cycle of bloodshed when you whacked that girl Carmine used to fuck.
John: Lorraine Caluzzo was not a girl. And what kind of man bangs his second cousin?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: What are you, the friggin' cardinal? Look, you want to shut down our joint construction projects, eat K-rations, fine. You want Phil to put one into one of my guys, well, that's gonna take you a long way from the rich prick you always wanted to be.
John: So, what do you suggest?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Whatever his legitimate sorrow is, his got a price, he wants to provide for his family.
John: And?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: and what?Meet his price, and that's it, I don't want to nothing else
John: Oh, you don't?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I paid enough, John, I paid a lot.
John: Maybe I can sell it. Truth is, we had discussions. I gave him the sports book.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah? Why didn't you say it right off, you cheap fuck?
John: Because I don't like it. He's gonna want a consiglieri, and who knows what...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [before hugging each other] All right, all right, let's not go backwards now.
John: Those people you run into who want to be the boss. They should know, huh?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I told you, but you don't listen, you nut.
John: It's good, seeing you again
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm still looking forward to working with you, John.

Christopher: [Referring to the gambling debt JT incurred while playing in the high stakes poker] what're you fuckin crazy?
J.T. Dolan: Define crazy. I'm good for it. I'm up for this Dick Wolf thing if I get on staff its like month's salary
Christopher: Well, how about this fuckin month?
J.T. Dolan: You think you could spot me for a while? I got some child support too
Christopher: I'll cover this and give you three grand for incidentals. That's sixty thousand all together
J.T. Dolan: I've been up only for two days, I still can add
Christopher: Good, then add two points every week until I'm paid in fuckin full
J.T. Dolan: [Referring to the interest Christopher is including in the loan] your charging me vig?
Christopher: On top of the principle is compounded if your late. That's twelve hundred one week from today. Don't give me that look. This is your problem. I will not fuckin enable you

- This is a stupid thing for your son to get hurt over.
- I didn't live for 84 years to have to be nice to somebody I don't like.
- Haven't I earned that right?
- Ma, I'm gonna have to say this. If you can't get into the spirit of this thing...
- Then we're gonna have to let you live in a different home.
- The salvation army has one in irvington that's supposed to be perfectly fine.

- You wanted to see me?
- Adriana okay?
- She's fine.
- People who don't clean up after their pets.
- Pop this in that basket for me, will you?

Ariel: See, I sweated blood into this place and he owes me. And, uh, I intend to get what's mine. So please, don't embarrass yourself any further. Just leave.
Paulie: I'm not embarrassed.
[to Silvio]
Paulie: You embarrassed?
Silvio: [shakes head]
Paulie: [slams Ariel's head against the front desk] Listen to me, you weirdo fuck! You give Shlomo whatever the fuck he wants and you forget this 50% shit. You got nothin' comin' to ya. Nothin'! You understand me? Nothin'!
Ariel: Fuck you!
Silvio: Bupkis. Say "bupkis", Paulie.
Paulie: What?
Silvio: That's how they say "nothin'".
Paulie: [grabs desk bell] Fuck that. This is how I say nothin'.
[bangs the bell against Ariel's head repeatedly]
Paulie: How's that for nothin'?
[continues banging]

- You make life and death decisions because of a man's name?
- It's only Sloan-fucking-kettering, best cancer hospital in the world.
- Excuse me.
- Let me ask you something about this jfk worship of yours.
- What about hoffa and the teamsters?
- That was the brother.

- I bet.
- You know, I'm glad you decided to write your book in our little town.
- What the fuck you doing?
- What are you, some kind of fag?
- Guess I made a mistake.
- You sure as fuck did.
- Listen, closet queen, you can't handle it... don't send out the signals.

- How can you sleep when we're in the middle of this?
- In the middle of what? All I said was
- I didn't wanna go back to the job site...
- And maybe I should go home until this thing with vito blows over.
- But you didn't ask me to come.
- You went right to the closet and got out your suitcase.
- Jesus Christ!

- So the code of silence, the omerta, or whatever, just went by the boards.
- You're always gonna have organized crime. Always.
- As long as the human being has certain appetites...
- For gambling, pornography or whatever...
- Someone's always gonna surface to serve these needs. Always.
- Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

- Enough!
- Cocksucker!
- Cock...
- I wanna get out now.
- You want more responsibility?
- Start with controlling your wife.

- Game.
- Where you going?
- Come on, Ralph, I'm tired.
- Come on, one more.
- Come on.
- Come on, a little fucking defense, huh?
- Hook shot.

- New York's classic rock, [1104.3.
- Good morning. I'm Jim kerr.
- Coming up a little later on the ""...Q
- "Half an hour," he says.
- It's a fucking hour and a half already.
- He's busy.
- Enjoy the music.

- here this morning.
- What happened to it?
- I don't know.
- Goddamnit!
- Debbie had a rondelay of French brie missing from her purse yesterday.
- In there?
- Uh-huh.

Carmela: [Referring to Meadow's punishment, while lying in bed] There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this?
Tony: Typical?
Carmela: Plenty of parents still "crack the whip"
Tony: Yeah, that's what they tell you
Carmela: I cannot wait until she goes off the college
Tony: Then you can be fucked up with the "empty nest" syndrome and go on Wellbutrin like your sister?
Carmela: As a parent today, you are "over a barrel" no matter what you do: you take away the car, you become her chauffeur. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards
Tony: And if you throw her out, the Social Services will bring her back, and we'd be in front of the judge: she's not eighteen yet
Carmela: That's your solution? To throw your daughter out?
Tony: All I'm saying is with the laws today, you can't even restrain your kid physically because she can sue you for child abuse
Carmela: There has to be consequences
Tony: And there will be, I hear you ok? Let's not "overplay" our "hand" because if she finds out we're powerless, we're fucked

- He was acting all squirrelly.
- He's got a right to be upset.
- After what him and ange been through together.
- They were cellmates at allenwood.
- I don't know, I got a bad feeling.
- Don't worry about it.
- He ain't that stupid.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- We'll let you know if we see him.

Christopher: That's guy a gangster? I'm a gangster! I'm an O.G. Original Gangster not him. Fuckin' lawn jockey. He's got the fly Hamptons house, Alec Baldwin comes over, Whitney Houston. What do I got? I sit in a fucking pork store for Christ's sake!

- It begs to show more of the author in it.
- Your life, your vision.
- The roof is soft tar!
- That'll work.
- The roof is soft tar!
- Okay.

- What's that noise?
- It's those micks outside the hotel with those carriage rides.
- Tell them to go away.
- Oh, god, Tony.
- It's so much better than when we were kids.
- See, what'd I tell you? The best, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
- She likes it when you rub her muzzle.

- If it makes you feel any better
- I've been looking for a new job...
- Every day online!
- Oh Jesus!
- You can't even talk to her.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You should be kissing her feet.
- Because when you were growing up, if it wasn't for her,
- I would have knocked all your baby teeth out with one shot.

- Glad we got that straight.
- Hell of a finish.
- Injuries, even tragedy, unable to stop Miami.
- Final score,
- Miami 21, Philadelphia 7.
- When you get special team support like that...
- It makes all the difference.
- And also, when you see...

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [while in Neil's office, referring to his mother and the airline tickets he bought through the Scatino bust out] I knew I was giving her a bad ticket: That "voice"
Neil: It's done: it's over, my advice now is to put it behind you. If this is all there is, these twenty-three tickets, they don't have "butt-kiss" and they know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I know it's a small but don't you see? That's the fuckin point, one more minute, if I could've just stood there, saying "Yes ma, ok ma", I hear ya ma", one more fuckin minute I wouldn't be here in this spot. I beat a homicide and I fucked up. I "blew" an "easy one. I "blew" everything
Neil: Tony...
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [interrupts him] No, fuckin "Tony", we got federal charges, we got the FAA, before this is over, their gonna pin the Egypt Air "thing" on me and you fuckin know it
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [sighs, becoming nervous] Predicates up the ass, fuckin RICO case, thirty to life
Neil: Don't think about that now: you'll make bail. There's no "capital crimes", get on with life

- to get rid of vito. Phil alone...
- Fuck Phil!
- You know what that's about? He's gotta
- Polish his rep as a tough prick so he can make boss.
- Vito in Atlantic city...
- He's out there.
- He's not part of us.
- And we get, you know, a trickle of cash coming in each month.

- And listen to that.
- I think it's great.
- I'm going food shopping.
- Maybe I'll get in the bedroom.
- What time you want me to wake you?
- The movie.
- Oh, yeah.
- Good.
- Have fun.

- No shit.
- Madonna.
- Tony sees the big picture.
- Oh, little Paulie.
- This prick treating you okay?
- No complaints.
- Little Paulie, everybody,
- I'm gonna buy you an egg cream.
- Come on, sit down.

- Chrissy, we're down here waiting for the tvs.
- Let me ask you something.
- The other day, t with that picture.
- He looked like he was gonna cry.
- And still no word from Ralph.
- Where the fuck is this kid?

Tony: What you lose a little weight?
Agent: Ah...
Vito: You look good. Atkins, right?
Agent: I caught a parasite over there. Doctors don't know what it is.
Christopher: What do they eat, tabooli?
Agent: Actually that's why I'm here. I been dyin' for a Satriale's veal parm hero.
[walks in]
Christopher: Fuck him. I hope that parasite eats his asshole out.
Tony: [shrugs] Kinda feel bad for the guy.

- That means you have a choice: You can either wear depends while you await transfer to another facility...
- Or you can take your medication as prescribed.
- Here, corrado.
- Time for your medicine.
- Where the fuck is my iPod?
- Every day it's your iPod, Carter.
- Stop causing a commotion.

- But now there was a murder,
- Christopher, and they know about it.
- At the club.
- Matush and some other guy.
- I tried to cover it up.
- But I had no choice.
- They've been filming us in the parking lot.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Celebrating in a restaurant after robbing bikers of their wine] how about that prick's face when he saw your gun?
Christopher: [Imitating one of the bikers] whoa, take it easy
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Imitating one of the bikers] "we're with The Vipers
Christopher: How's that wine? Good?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: It really is, I've got to say
Christopher: [Referring to the biker] I've got to tell you, when he pulled the trigger I almost shit myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Slowly sipping the wine]
Christopher: I'll be honest, I miss it sometimes: the wine
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You should make a toast at your wedding, at least
Christopher: It takes disciple, set limits for myself
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Pouring Christopher some wine] you know, in Italy they consider wine food?
Christopher: Oh yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [They toast to each other] Solute
Christopher: Solute

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Richie] Those who want respect, give respect.

Christopher: [after showing them the van full of cigarettes] I hit the fuckin motherload! Twenty G's a product a week: Little Paulie's behind me with the other half
Corky: Fuck me
Christopher: Now, twenty percent of this load, they can stamp the packs for the vending machines, the rest, the cartons can go to the bodegas, let him worry about the stamps. I'm beat, I'm gonna hit the fuckin rack: have Ade cook me up a nice Carbonara
Christopher: [after noticing Dante Greco and Corky DiGioia nervously look at each other] What's the matter?
Dante: I don't know how to tell you but Adriana's in the hospital, she was in an accident
Christopher: [shocked] What, when?
Corky: Last night around two o'clock
Christopher: Jesus Christ, what happened? Is she alright?
Corky: she got banged up but she's gonna be ok
Christopher: The drinking and driving, I told her, where is she?
Dante: Mount Mercy, in Dover
Christopher: Dover?
Corky: Apparently, they swerved to avoid hitting a deer in the road
Christopher: They?
Dante: her and Tony
Christopher: Tony? Soprano?
Corky: Uh huh
Christopher: Is he alright?
Dante: Not a scratch, the fucking luck on this guy
Christopher: [after thinking it over] Oh, yeah Dover, right, she's got an aunt she's close to out there whose been sick, she's close to Tony's aunt

- So maybe for security reasons, or so it don't fall into disrepair, you could stay there.
- I been thinking the same thing.
- I just don't wanna push Svetlana out.
- Yeah, well, I talked to her. She's moving out tomorrow, maybe the next day.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- I better go pack.

- Who do I replace him with?
- Good question.
- Great. What's the fucking answer?
- Who says there is one?
- That's what being a boss is.
- Steer the ship the best you can.
- Sometimes it's smooth, sometimes rocky. In the meantime...
- You find your pleasures where you can.
- How much longer, skip?
- I gotta take a leak.

Adriana: [Over the phone] Hello?
Tony: Yeah, it's me. Look everything's ok. Jesus I don't even know how to say this. It's Christopher, he tried to commit suicide.
Adriana: Oh my God, is he alright?
Tony: His fine. He was up by Ramapo, apparently took some pills and this trooper found him in a bathroom of this diner and brought him to the hospital. His mom's on her way up there now. Did he say anything to you? Did he "appear" suicidal?
Adriana: No.
Tony: Are you sure? Because his mom said he's very upset over something.
Adriana: [Remains silent]
Tony: Anyway, I'm on my way up there now and I'm going to send Sil by to pick you up then ok?
Adriana: Jesus Christ.
Tony: You know he's been drinking so he's probably fighting that heroin urge again, anyway Sil's on his way.
Adriana: Ok.

- Don't fucking lie to me.
- Did you do it?
- No.
- Did you fucking do it?
- No.
- Did you fucking do it?
- I said no! Now get your fucking hands off of me.
- Come on, Tony.

- FBI! Open up!
- FBI!
- Oh, my god!
- I'm the gardener! I'm the...

Tony: You know we're the only country in the world where the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in writing? You believe that? Bunch of fucking spoiled brats. Where's my happiness then?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It's the pursuit that's guaranteed.
Tony: Yeah. Always a fucking loophole, right?

Christopher: What do you got to be stressed about? That bar?
Adriana: War, Christopher? The Middle East?
Christopher: You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world; the whole world's gonna be under our control, so what are worked up about?

- Why do guys in the army, or spies, use that "0" thing when they tell time?
- That'll be made abundantly clear.
- For now, we have an expression: Keep it simple.
- Captain delaunay?
- Give Mr. Soprano the t.O.I.
- While I meet his parents.
- Sir, yes, sir.

Silvio: the fuck you doin? Lunch is ready
Paulie: I'm gonna watch my hands
Silvio: you just watched your hands
Paulie: and then I tied my shoes
Silvio: so what?
Paulie: I can't stand touching fuckin shoelaces: you ever go and tie your shoes, and notice the end of your laces are wet? For what? Why would they be wet?
Silvio: I got no fuckin idea
Hesh: you ever go to public bathrooms? And stand at the urials...
Hesh: [interrupts him, irritated, not wanting to hear and talk about un-sanitized bathrooms while they eat] oh come on, will ya?
Paulie: [to Hesh, referring to Silvio] his asking, I'm telling him and frankly, it's important. Even if the laces are dry and even if you don't touch the body of the shoe, bacteria and viruses migrate from the sole up
Christopher: you see this on TV?
Paulie: I gotta watch TV to figure out the world? Your average shithouse is a sewer. You look at lady's johns', you can eat maple walnut ice cream from the toilets: there's exceptions, but in men's? Piss all over the fuckin floor, urials jammed with cigarettes and mothball cakes, it does nothin to kill germs: even if you keep your shoes tied and you're not dragging your laces through urine...
Silvio: [interrupts him, annoyed] shut the fuck up

- Am I so horrible?
- You are not horrible.
- Get over yourself.
- Over myself?
- What is that supposed to mean?
- Just go. Do me a big favor.
- If you're gonna be a martyr,
- I'll sit here.
- Nope, go. Put your plate in the sink.

- So listen...
- About all this stuff that's going on,
- Tony and all.
- What's your name again?
- Paulie gualtieri. Jersey?
- Your father was run over by a trolley, right?
- Johnny talked to you about me, right?
- Johnny who? Sack?
- Talked to me about what?

Paulie: I got dosed with acid once, back in '68.
[to Tony]
Paulie: I was with your dad and them at the Copa. Fuckin' BOAC stewardess put it in my drink. Jerry Vale's singin' and I look over. Your Uncle Jun's got laser beams shootin' out his eyes!

- You see that one over there?
- An attorney.
- I'm mounting my case.
- Look, I should take off.
- You want a snack? A soda?
- What the fuck?
- You just got here.
- Happy holidays.

Tony: [Referring to Christopher and Carmella] He was high a fuckin kite, I didn't tell her that
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: In retrospect, maybe not the best approach
Tony: Right, I'm the asshole, again
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: [after noticing Tony pause for a second] what? No go ahead
Tony: It's amazing how some things work, his mother, my cousin Joanne: a lush, totally abandoned him as a parent and now she's reaping all the sympathy and tears .
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you doing Anthony?
Tony: There's been some hard moments, a weak fuckin lying drug addict who fantasized about my downfall even showed people his filthy thoughts on a movie screen. I've seen friends died before, accidents even murder. My cousin Tony, they shot his face away. I was prostate with grief but this?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I see
Tony: And it occurs to me I hand carried this kid through the worst crisis he ever had. I can't go into particulars but wives, girlfriends they can complicate life in major ways I don't have to tell you that. It was a huge problem of his own making and he cried, he couldn't deal with it. So, I took up the slack. I handled it, I felt sorry for him and he talked gratitude but guess what pity produces in the recipient? They shit on your pity and that's what broke the camel's back.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: How are you dealing with this?
Tony: The worst part? Truthfully? Because I've got to sit there with people who are hurt bad and I've got to have the long face and the sighing, the platitudes but I don't feel it and that makes feel like a hypocrite

- Please, no pictures.
- Exploiting medical curiosities is against the law.
- That why they canceled your mom's audition?
- What did you say?
- It's a homecoming.
- Cocksucker.
- Take a walk.

Christopher: Hey Poppin' Fresh, I'm in no fucking mood today.

Carmela: I swear to god, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
A.J. Soprano: What the fuck?
Carmela: You made the fool of yourself and our family on national fucking television!
A.J. Soprano: I didn't say that shit! They totally misquoted me!
Meadow: Holy shit.
Carmela: Well, of course they did. That's what they do! Which is why I and everybody else told you: don't talk to the press!
A.J. Soprano: You're the one who look like a total asshole, dragging me around like I was five years old!
Carmela: You're cross to bear, that's all you are, to your father, to me, to everybody!
A.J. Soprano: Fuck this! All right? Fuck it all!
[leaving his room]
Hugh: [to Carmela] Jesus, Mel! The hell's wrong with you?
Carmela: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with ME?
[she leaves]

- Yeah, if it wasn't for his tooth-fairy money, he'd have nothing.
- Let's not get into it in front of other people.
- Well, you're the one that said...
- Never mind.
- Please, just drop it.
- Meadow, do you play an instrument?
- I was in chamber singers.
- I used to sing in the Navy glee club.

- I love you."
- Did the baby have a name?
- She was calling it Antonio.
- Anthony, your fantasy...
- That's you, that little baby.
- And Isabella, that she was nursing you.

- You can go without seeing Devin and your friends for one night.
- Yeah, we were supposed to study.
- But I guess you don't care about that.
- Vic?
- Yo, Vic.
- You don't return Johnny's phone calls?
- What did you say?
- I'm only the appraiser!

- Two rounds of paraplatin, docetaxel and platinol...
- Concurrent with radiation?
- Come on, any cancer inside you has slowed to a crawl.
- Why is he so fucking negative?
- We tell the patient three months, he lives a year, who looks like a hero?
- I'll see you around, John.
- You take it easy. Hang in there.

Corrado: Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather? He makes you an offer you can't understand.

- Hey, legit dealers, body shops, they reinstall undeployed bags as new.
- Top dollar.
- Brave, new world.
- Jesus Christ, they didn't even have shoulder belts when I went away.
- You'll let me know when the kid gets out?
- Yeah, we'll have a party for him.
- All right.
- I love you, okay.

- You're not prepared!
- You'll never shut me up.

- Usually happens when we touch on a nerve.
- He was distressed about this young man's death in the garbage compactor.
- See, he didn't say garbage compactor, did he?
- See?
- What do you believe?
- You know his job.
- He reports to a strip club.
- Who knows how he spends his days?

- He's already hinky.
- He starts pokin' around, finds out we met in aa, he could suspect
- I'm usin' again...
- Hmm.
- And ruin everything.

- Choke you right now, you fuck!
- I'll leave you, you one-shoe cocksucker!
- Put it down.
- You know how fast I run,
- I'll leave you in the dust!
- The shit we been through, you think I'd kill you?
- Yeah, I do.

- Here.
- You knocked over yourdnnk, honey.
- Ugh...
- Really hurts, huh?
- Yeah.
- Janice!

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: You know, when you asked me what Irina's cousin had, that you don't have? Well, I thought about it, 'cause it's a pretty good fucking question. And yes, she's sexy enough even with the one pin gone, but that's not it. I could converse with her 'cause she had something to say.
Carmela: I AM HERE! I have things to say!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Besides bringing the fuckin' chairs down and sign the fucking trust! She was a grown fuckin' woman who was kicked around. And she's been on her own and she had to fight and struggle!
Carmela: Unlike me? Is that it?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Yeah.
Carmela: [shouting] Who the fuck wanted it like this? Who the fuck pissed and moaned of just the idea of me with a fucking real estate license?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Well, you sit back for 20 fucking years all you did was fiddle with the air conditioning and fucking bitch and complain! And fucking bitch, bitch, bitch to me! TO YOUR PRIEST! FUCK IT!
Carmela: Who knew all this time you wanted Tracy and Hepburn? Well Tony, what about all the thousand other fucking pigs you had your dick in over the years? The strippers, the cocktail waitresses, were they all your best friends all of them too?
[pause]
Carmela: You fucking hypocrite.

- The fuck?
- Oh.
- Aah, shit!

- Your patient, Jennifer, your inability to bring the therapy to a conclusion.
- Elliot, I honestly believe that he's not ready.
- Refer him to another doctor.
- You really think that I'm...
- Obsessed?

- in case he shows or calls.
- You realize I can't even get on a plane without a picture ID?
- Oh, god, that's right.
- Well, tell me about costa mesa.
- Nice place to live?
- Around here? It's dead.

Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [repeated line to several people, referring to his mother's unexpected passing] What're you gonna do?

- Terri, they're not even sure she's gonna be able to have children of her own.
- Sal began to cry when he heard that.
- Oh, honey.
- In the end, I know you're not gonna leave him.
- I know you won't do that.

- Mommy?
- Mommy!
- Get dad's gun.
- It's all the way in the dining room.
- Hey, go away! Go!
- Hey! Get out of here!
- Go!

- Oh, I could sleep right here.
- It's all right. He'll be okay.

- Don't lie to me. You're high.
- I smoked half a joint before you called. I'm fine.
- Look at you. Your nose is running, you fucking junkie.
- You promised me you wouldn't do that shit anymore.
- I didn't.
- Jesus fucking Christ!
- Can you even do this?

Paulie: [while entering the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] I'll tell you one thing: If it was me this kid was spreading rumors about, he'd have something up his own ass. And it wouldn't be no cock either.
Carlo: That's the point though. This guy Sal, I know him. He's a friend of ours.
Christopher: I fuckin' called it, long time ago.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [Referring to the Italian slang term for homosexuals] You knew Vito was "ricuin"?
Christopher: Yes.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: When?
Christopher: I never said it, but I knew.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Get the fuck out, huh? And enough of this "rush to judgment", for all we know this fuckin' Sal guy's got a hard on for Vito.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Christopher after he starts laughing] Oh, you think this is funny? There's a man's reputation at stake here!
Paulie: Married man, with kids.
Carlo: That don't mean shit. Elton John was married.
Silvio: Yeah. Rock Hudson too, I think.
Christopher: So, what'd we got to do? Actually see him take it in the ass?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: [to Patsy] Get Vito on the phone.
Silvio: You know he called me the other night? Three o'clock in the morning after the wedding.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: And?
Silvio: Honestly, it was weird. He wanted to know what was going on.
Christopher: He was fuckin' fishing, see if we heard.
Patsy: [to Tony, after calling Vito's cell phone] Straight to voicemail.
Silvio: Tone, I mean, he represents us.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: I'm not going to condemn the man off the word from some fuckin' douche bag from Yonkers.
Patsy: I could care less basically.
Paulie: Yeah? Maybe *you're* a "flambé"?
Carlo: Fuckin nauseating. If it was up to me I'd drag Vito behind my fuckin' car right now.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Oh, will you take it easy over there, fuckin' Judge Roy Bean?
Christopher: One of my bar girls knows his goomah. Check with her maybe, she's seen him or knows where he is. Lauren.
Carlo: Think about it though, Tone. Sudden weight loss...
Paulie: [Shocked] AIDS?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Nobody's got AIDS! I don't want to hear that word in here again!

Judge: the government's own neuropsychologist clearly finds evidence of dementia
Prosecutor: evidence "consistent" with dementia
Judge: nonetheless, I'm going to "recommend" he be sent to a prison psychiatric facility for further evaluation
Zev: he'll only be "warehoused" in a public facility. Your Honor, we ask that Mr. Soprano be sent to a private "locked" facility
Prosecutor: [sarcastically] why not a resort in Antigua?
Zev: you want his mental state improved, so you can put him on trial? Just let him go to a place where he can get better

- What are you holding?
- I didn't expect to gamble tonight.
- You need five g's just to sit in.
- Can't you float me, short-term?
- Davey, don't say short if you don't mean short.
- All kidding aside.
- You understand what I'm saying?
- Yeah, of course.
- Hey, you don't have to explain business to me.

- Now that's not nice.
- Those are Puerto Ricans, Mrs. Conte.
- I ask 'em nice to turn it down.
- They tell me to go fuck myself.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks.
- Hey, how's junior?
- Tell him I said hello.
- Yeah.

- Well, it's difficult, but not impossible.
- Trust me. Your dad does not want you to get involved.
- You gotta channel that rage elsewheres.
- Golden gloves.
- What?
- Dumbbells or something.
- Fuck your girlfriend more.
- You little hothead here.

- I don't care.
- I like you.
- Rubber soul in mint condition.
- This has gotta be worth what?
- You should've told me.
- And what would you have done if I did?
- I don't know.
- I mean, if it wasn't such a big deal, why didn't you say something?

Carmela: Now, you liked Jackie, so you don't want to believe that he did this to himself. So, like a lot of other people, you go around looking for bogeymen to blame - bogeymen with Italian names.

Corrado: [Meeting privately in Junior's doctor's office] that coke provides a nice income stream you have any ideas the bills I got?
Tony: Just keep it away from the garbage routes
Corrado: The lawyers, the doctors, the double sawbuck for a plastic pillow just so I can sit comfortably
Tony: Why don't you just sit on that nice pile of cash you got?
Corrado: My finances are nobody's God damn business
Tony: [Referring to Richie] The garbage is my business and I don't want you and that shit bird fuckin it up
Corrado: [Amused] Your business?
Tony: Yeah, why don't you get it through that bald dome of yours?
Corrado: Why does everything have to be so difficult? You know back in the fifties we worked together. Even rival families settled their differences amicably
Tony: [Sarcastically] oh yeah, I remember that picture of Albert Anastasia lying there all "amicable" on the barber shop floor
Corrado: There were exceptions: I'm just saying

- That's what you tell me.
- Yes, I suppose it is. At root.
- The question is, how do you stop?
- You know what?
- I dodged a very big bullet. And I'm feeling pretty fucking good about it.
- So I don't need anymore psychiatry today.

Tony: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
Tony: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
Tony: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?