Top 50 Quotes From Adam Goldberg

Adam: It's the only way I can beat my rival, Handsome Ben.
Emmy: There is no rivalry. It's totally one sided.
Adam: Oh, yeah? Watch this. Hey, Handsome Ben.
Handsome: Hey, Adam. Good luck on Double Dare tomorrow. I hope you get it.
Adam: Stupid jealous Handsome Ben.

Adam: Crap! I accidentally tore my pre-ripped store jeans!
Albert: You *paid* money for jeans that somebody else cut holes in? What idiot does that?

Beverly: Sweep the leg!
Adam: Why did mom shout "Sweep the leg"?
Barry: No reason.

Ben: I know I don't say this often enough, Adam, but, uh, you're my grandson.
Adam: Thank you for that basic acknowledgement.

Adam: We all hate swimming. We don't like seeing each other in our swimsuits because we all feel super weird about our super weird bodies. So I ask you, isn't that punishment enough?
Mr. Mellor: No. Three months detention.
Adam: Balls.

Adam: Okay, so, I narrowed it down to these 29 horror movies.
Jackie: I think all we need is one. "Nightmare on Elm Street."
Adam: Yeah, I'm not so sure. Something about Freddy Krueger creeps me out. It could be the face or the claws or the whole fall-asleep-and-you-die concept.
Jackie: Oh, don't worry. I'll protect you.
Beverly: No. That's my job! And you know my number one rule: No scary movies.
Adam: That's the thing, it's *not* scary. "Elm Street" is a very charming rom-com.
Beverly: "High school friends slaughtered in their sleep by the predatory monster of their shared nightmares"?
Adam: Gah! What's the worst that can happen?
Beverly: I don't know. Why don't you ask Joyce Dimarco's son Anthony. He didn't sleep for three years after watching "The Exorcist", so his body never grew. Well, now he's a 4'7" adult man who needs a special stool to use a sink!

Narrator: My arcade job was a bust, but I had the perfect way to get the money back.
Adam: Yo, Ponytail! Give me my damn money!
Johnny: No.
Adam: Okay, that didn't work. Please do the right thing and give me back my money.
Johnny: l've considered your offer, and I have a counter offer: eat my butt.

Adam: [reevaluating his movie collection] Short Circuit 2, Time Bandits, and don't even get me started on Jaws 4: The Revenge.
Albert: You love that movie.
Adam: 'This time it's personal'? Why would a shark swim from New England to the Bahamas to attack the woman who was married to the guy who killed his friend?
Albert: Sharks have feelings too.

Sean: We're here with the one and only Beverly Goldberg. Did Adam really say 'I hate you' on Mother's Day?
Beverly: Those were his exact words, "I hate you, Mom". I cried when he said those words.
Sean: What was that like?
Beverly: It was hard, being my youngest son, up till then, Adam and I had always done stuff together.
Sean: Were you ever 'done' with any of your kids?
Beverly: Oh yeah, for about 2 hours. I could never be done with any of my kids, no matter what.
Sean: And if you ever decided you needed to take a break from one of your kids, which one would it be?
Beverly: I thought you were going to ask if any of my kids were ever 'done' with me.
[laughs]

Adam: I've been super busy on a new movie, it's all stop motion animation, you know what the best thing about that is? *NO* actors.
Albert: Well you look like crap, have you even slept in the last two days?
Adam: No, I'm too busy making a masterpiece.

Adam: Haven't you seen the news?
Beverly: Oh no, I never watch the news, all it does is make your father so angry he throws a shoe at the TV.

Adam: Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
'Naked': It's full nudity or I walk.

Barry: [Pinned under a golf cart] I'm good!
Adam: Oh, God!
Barry: I'm good!
Adam: You just gor run over by a golf cart!
Barry: I'm good!
Adam: Why do you keep saying you're good? There's no way you're good! I'm going to get Erica!
Barry: No! I'm the Erica now! Listen closely... Go get Erica! There's a golf car on me!
Adam: I thought you said you were good!
Barry: Go get her!

Narrator: Once again, my smother has chained herself to my life and made it really awkward really quick. I had to make it up to Dana, and fast.
Adam: How about a toast? To the world's best mother.
Beverly: [Peeking her head back in] Someone call me? No? Okay, then.

Barry: [Adam is eating cereal when Barry sits down and slaps his spoon down] I have narrowed down the breed of dog that best matches my personality.
Adam: Good morning to you too.
Barry: I either want one of those dogs that looks like a sheep...
Adam: A sheepdog.
Barry: ...a Cujo...
Adam: That's a name, not a breed.
Barry: ...a McGruff...
Adam: A cartoon dog.
Barry: ...or a bear crossed with a poodle.
Adam: Not possible.

Adam: This is my life-long dream.
Murray: I thought your life-long dream was to be cast as an Ewok.
Adam: I'm too big now!

Adam: [after Adam tells the truth] So... it's Friday, see you at the treehouse tonight?
Emmy: What part of this don't you get?
Adam: I get it, I do... but you said it yourself, we're not just friends, we're more like family... and in my family, we fight, we scream, we make *horrible* mistakes that go on way too long, but an hour later, we're talking again, that's what it means to be a Goldberg.

Narrator: [about getting a job at the arcade] If I could pass the impossible interview.
Andy: How many quarters are in a dollar?
Adam: Four.
Andy: [Hands Adam the change belt] I'll be in the back taking a nap.

Barry: Members of the JTP.
Andy: JTP!
Barry: You are about to witness the greastest musical event of your lives.
Andy: Better than seeing all the greatest bands play Live Aid?
Barry: One thousand percent! I literally bet Adam's life on it.
Adam: Wait, what?

Beverly: Look me in the eye. You are not a nerd.
Adam: No, you look me in my lazy eye! I... am... a... nerd!

Adam: Enough! All I wanted to do was make a fun little game about my life, and now everyone's mad and wants me to change it. Lesson learned. I'm never going to make anything about this family ever again.

Murray: You're going to invent a time-travelling robit just to spite me?
Adam: Yes, and it will be a better father than you ever were!
Murray: Good, because I'm open to a metal man coming down here and taking some of this off my plate!

Adam: Mr. Glascott, come quick! It's an emergency!
Mr. Glascott: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Adam: Barry started a fire on the stage!
Mr. Glascott: Damn it, it does matter! It matters a lot!

Adam: You literally said I wasn't serious enough to meet your parents.
Jackie: That's not what it was about.
Adam: That's exactly what it is. I tried being political, and I sucked, but who I really am isn't serious enough, I can't win no matter what I do.
[walks away]

Adam: You're just like Pop-Pop, crusing all my dreams like he crushed yours.
Murray: I am nothing like him. Did you ever go hungry? Did you ever get left behind at school? Did you ever cry yourself to sleep not knowing if he would ever come back?
Adam: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Murray: There's a lot of things you don't now.

Adam: I don't want to live in a world where we never speak to each other and we're only a mile apart.
Murray: Listen to me, that will *never* be us.

[Adam is forced to wear his sister's jeans]
Beverly: Look you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be there to dress you.
Adam: You keep saying that, but when?

Dave: [Referring to using real swords rather than wrapping paper tubes to recreate a sword fight in "The Princess Bride"] Maybe your mother can buy them for us.
Adam: [Sarcastically] Oh, that's a *great* idea! Let's just go ask my *safety-obsessed* mother if she'll buy us real swords to play with!

Adam: Pops, how do you always look on the bright side of everything?
Albert: It's childlike wonder, no matter how old you get, people like us, it's important to never lose it.

Adam: How dare you use ALF against me? ALF is sacred!
Erica: He eats cats.
Adam: Cats are the chickens of Melmac!

Adam: [Murray's playing Andre the Giant's part in Adam's version of The Princess Bride] Okay, Dad, try to look enormous!

Adam: We've just been cleaning for this slob!
Barry: I must unleash my anger, thorugh karate!
[Starts cleaning]
Barry: This is all I know! What am I?

Beverly: You used to ride a bike, see plays and go to museums. What happened to the man I married?
Erica: Dad rode a bike?
Adam: Ha! That must have looked nuts!
Barry: That's like Charles Barkley jockeying a horse. I can't even imagine that.

Dave: Did you hear that? Your sister and her hot friends are having a lingerie party.
Adam: I'm pretty sure I heard pajama party.
Dave: They'll be having pillow fights, tickle fights, and other kinds of fights we can't even imagine.

Adam: Look! They have hay rides! Hay makes everything better!
Beverly: Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew who went on a hay ride and the open-air wagon turned over. They had to saw him out of the wreckage and they accidentally cut the poor boy in half. Now he's just a torso and has to ride a special medical skateboard to his job at the DMV.

Adam: You don't think I'm a man?
Murray: Let me answer that with a question: what superhero is on your underwear right now?
Adam: I outgrew those months ago!

Adam: [about the Star Wars holiday special] I don't know why Art Carney is a family friend, or why Jefferson Starship performed a song for the Empire.
Murray: Starship's in their name, that one makes sense.

[Adam and Barry walk in to the house with a tetherball pole stuck to their mouths]
Murray: I've raised morons.
Adam: That's fair.

Albert: [about death] We all have our time. But I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You want to know what my secret is?
Adam: What?
Albert: Hanging out with my best friend, who keeps me young. Now, you want to run your grandpa over with a car?
Adam: I'd love to!

Principal: Due to Ms. Cinoman's accident, the producers of Phantom of the Opera caught wind of our illegal production. Apparently, you can't take a new hit musical and stage it in a high school without permission.
Adam: Balls!
Principal: Inappropriate. But accurate.

Erica: What are the rules?
Adam: Don't go in your room, don't touch your crap, don't go in your room to touch your crap.
Erica: Exactly, and right now you're breaking all of them. Get out!

Murray: Whoa!, You're talking to Seattle? I thought Danielle lived down the street?
Adam: It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved.
Murray: You can't call Seattle before 8:00, Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me?
[proceeds to hang up the phone on Adam in the process]
Adam: Hey! You made me hang up first.
Murray: I'm sorry, Adam, I can't afford your love, It's too pricy.
Adam: What's that supposed to mean?
Murray: It means I'm canceling our long-distance service. There, it's done, relationship over.

Dana: My dad said I shouldn't talk to you anymore.
Adam: Oh, I understand.
Dana: Too bad I never listen to him.

Mr. Mellor: I'm going to put this as delicately as possible. You smell like a gym sock's butt.
Adam: Thanks.
Mr. Mellor: You smell like a garlic diaper.
Adam: Thanks.
Mr. Mellor: You smell like an egg salad sandwich that's been left out in the sun.
Adam: Thanks.

Adam: What about the old expression, "happy mom, happy life"?
Murray: The expression is "happy wife, happy life".
Adam: It rhymes! I knew "Happy mom, happy life" was too clunky! God, I'm such a putz!

Murray: All my children have jobs! This is my dream. I close my eyes and this is what I see.
Adam: It's a sad dream, but you've a sad life, so I get it.

Murray: Hey. How you doing?
Adam: Well, I learned today that the only thing worse than scoring on your own goal is being scored into your own goal.

[Adam's lab partner is a girl who he thinks is out of his league]
Brea: Look, Adam trust me. Once you get to know me, you're gonna like me.
Adam: Challenge accepted.

Adam: Isn't there an executive bathroom with scented soaps instead of an open river of whiz?

Adam: [In gyroscope] My system! My delicate system!