50 Best Murray Goldberg Quotes

Murray: What are you doing up here?
Beverly: I needed to eat my feelings, and this is where Adam hid his Halloween candy from you.
Murray: Is there anything good left?
Beverly: No, just these awful circus peanuts.
Murray: Yeah, nobody likes those.
Beverly: Just like me. I'm the circus peanut of mothers.

Barry: [watching the video of Murray and Beverly's wedding] You're sitting down!
Murray: I told her it was low blood sugar, but the truth was I was terrified.
Barry: Why?
Murray: Look at her! Beautiful, smart, I couldn't believe she wanted to be with a guy like me.

Barry: [shouting at Beverly] The only person who understands me is Flavor Flav!
[Barry runs past Murray into the house]
Murray: Who runs like that?

Barry: [Murray changes the channel] Hey, I was watching that!
Murray: I know.
Barry: Why did you do that?
Murray: Because I don't care. I thought that was clear by now.

Barry: We're not going to lay down sweet rhymes, we're just going to speak from the heart.
Murray: That sounds even worse

Erica: You can't just change the rules!
Murray: That is a valid point. But guess what? Tough crap!

Adam: What about the old expression, "happy mom, happy life"?
Murray: The expression is "happy wife, happy life".
Adam: It rhymes! I knew "Happy mom, happy life" was too clunky! God, I'm such a putz!

Albert: It's not my fault. The tie was on the door. When the tie is on the door, the pants are on the floor. Everyone knows that.
Murray: I can't unsee what I just saw! It was like two hairless cats fighing on a pile of pizza dough.
Albert: It was a low angle.

Murray: Everyone's happy except for me. Seems about right.

Barry: We're getting married!
Beverly: Did he just say they're getting married?
Murray: That's tomorrow's problem.

Barry: Oh, my God! You love her.
Murray: I do not.
Barry: You have actual love in your heart and you're using it on the dog!
Murray: I don't love the dog!
Barry: Then you won't mind if I take her back. Where's the receipt?
Murray: You can't take her back, she's family! You don't take back family!

Barry: Lainey and I want two different things in this relationship. She wants us to have an equal partnership, and I want a give and take relationship like you and Dad have where you're always giving and he's always taking.
Murray: [puts down newspaper] Okay, I've heard enough, you're a moron. If you want a good marriage, quit worrying about what you want to take, and start thinking about what you want to give.
Beverly: [turns to Barry, in awe] Okay... maybe Lainey has a point.

Murray: You shaved my moustache whlie I slept? Who does that?
Beverly: Me. I do that.
Albert: She hopped on top of you and shaved you and you didn't even noticed?
Murray: I'm a hard sleeper. When I drop, I drop hard.
Beverly: I do a lot of things while you sleep. Nose hairs, toenails, Q-tip stuff.

Adam: He still lied to me.
Murray: He exaggerated, all grandpas do, and do you know why? Because they want you to love them as much as they love you.

[Beverly's upset that Erica and Geoff are sharing an apartment]
Beverly: Okay, here's what's gonna happen; Barry and Erica are gonna move back here. We're gonna home-college them and occasionally let them into the backyard for vitamin D and free play.
Murray: I think everything's gonna be okay.
Beverly: You're okay with your sweet little peanut shacking up with that walking menace Geoff Schwartz?
Murray: Menace? They already spent the summer in a van half the size of a dorm room.
Beverly: That's beside the point.
Murray: She loves him. He loves her. I don't like anybody, and I like him!

Murray: Whoa!, You're talking to Seattle? I thought Danielle lived down the street?
Adam: It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved.
Murray: You can't call Seattle before 8:00, Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me?
[proceeds to hang up the phone on Adam in the process]
Adam: Hey! You made me hang up first.
Murray: I'm sorry, Adam, I can't afford your love, It's too pricy.
Adam: What's that supposed to mean?
Murray: It means I'm canceling our long-distance service. There, it's done, relationship over.

Murray: You're going to hang out with your mom tomorrow.
Erica: Or what?
Murray: Or stuff that I don't care about, I'm going to start voicing my opinion on. Like your allowance. Gone.
Erica: What?
Murray: Your curfew? 6 P.M.
Erica: You can't do this!
Murray: The length you can wear your skirt. No skirts. Just pants, with pleats.

Beverly: You will never guess who I just saw during my power walk slash power sit and eat Sbarro at the mall.
Murray: Tip O'Neill?
Beverly: No.
Murray: Mr. Belvedere?
Beverly: TV character.
Murray: Quick Draw McGraw.
Beverly: Cartoon.
Murray: Walden Books.
Beverly: That is a store.

Murray: I've been thinking about what you said, and the truth is, watching that movie scared me.
Barry: It did?
Murray: Yeah, all I want to do is protect my family, and the idea that I might not be able to do that, it keeps me up at night.
Barry: So what do we do?
Murray: Nothing. Just live this life and keep our loved ones close.

Murray: [about The Day After] It's just a movie, Barry!
Barry: [firmly] I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you know for a fact, for a *fact*, that it could never happen.
[Murray doesn't answer]
Barry: That's what I thought.
[walks off]
Narrator: It was in that moment that my dad realized just how scared Barry actually was.

Murray: [to Beverly] Just because I don't like to try new things doesn't mean I don't love you. I never thought I'd be happy, and you created this whole amazing life for us, and I don't want that to change.

Barry: [on why he wants Murray to exercise] I want you to be at my wedding, I want you to hold my baby, I want you around as long as possible.
Narrator: For the first time in his life, Barry had told Dad the way he really felt. Unfortunately, my dad couldn't do the same.
Murray: [stammering] I, I don't know what you want me to say.
Barry: [defeatedly] My friends were right, there's no point in talking to dads.
[turns around and walks away]

Murray: I get what's going on. You played me.
Adam: What?
Murray: You used my love of sports and our awkwardness of our relationship to get what you wanted.
Adam: I am insulted by these accusations!
Dave: You literally used those exact words just a few minutes ago.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim!
Dave: [to Murray] My name's Dave Kim, by the way.

Murray: He won't come when I yell at him! That's my only move as a parent!

Beverly: You're a college dropout?
Murray: You're a college dropout!
Beverly: I dropped out to marry you, dropout!

Barry: What's this?
Murray: I opened a savings account in your name. I took the $6 you saved and I doubled it.
Barry: $12 isn't much of a nest egg.
Murray: You've got the rest of your life to save. Right now, what's important is building a life with the girl you love.

Beverly: [after catching Murray sleeping upstairs during his surpirse party] Aunt Rose made an ice-cream cake with your face on it!
Murray: Ooh, I'll have a slice of me.
Beverly: Well, you can't, because it all melted. It's ice-cream soup now.
Murray: I'm a milkshake. Well, that's the dream.

Beverly: It's those damn Gearys again! They mixed in with our baby! The chutzpah!
Murray: Those stinkin' hippies! They don't follow the rules of society.
Adam: Really? You guys are that threatened by them just because they're better parents than you in every way?
Beverly: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did you just say?
Adam: Not in *every* way! I meant most ways, some ways! One way?
Beverly: Those Gearys are gonna get a crash course in real parenting from the Goldbergs.

[Adam and Barry walk in to the house with a tetherball pole stuck to their mouths]
Murray: I've raised morons.
Adam: That's fair.

Adam: This is my life-long dream.
Murray: I thought your life-long dream was to be cast as an Ewok.
Adam: I'm too big now!

Beverly: Boom! Read it and weep!
Murray: Read it for me. It hurts to look down.

Adam: You're just like Pop-Pop, crusing all my dreams like he crushed yours.
Murray: I am nothing like him. Did you ever go hungry? Did you ever get left behind at school? Did you ever cry yourself to sleep not knowing if he would ever come back?
Adam: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Murray: There's a lot of things you don't now.

Murray: I might have told Adam something about old people die and he took it the wrong way.
Albert: What are you talking about?
Murray: Like when you're in the deli of life and it's your number to get a sandwich.
Albert: This deli sounds horrible, I'm not eating there.
Murray: Everybody has to eat there.
Albert: Well I'm just going to have a pickle.
Murray: You can't just have a pickle!
Albert: I'm in better shape than you! Check out these guns!
Murray: You're the crazy old man dressed like his favorite cartoon character that just died!
Albert: Geez, you're right. Adam's probably scared of losing both his heroes together.

Murray: I try new things. I had that big pink orange that one time.
Beverly: You mean the grapefruit?
Murray: Exactly. Never again!

Beverly: Murray, I can't lose Erica for four whole years.
Murray: [pause] I would rather lose her for four short years, than hold her back forever.

Murray: You can't ignore the foot. If the foot has no power, the whole system breaks down.

Murray: [to Adam] Here's your own video card. I'm banned, you're not. I prepaid for 50 movies, which should last you... about a month.
[Adam gets up and hugs him]

Barry: I know her! That's my mom!
Murray: And that's my wife! She puts up with me!

Albert: Bevvy, we've been thinking about what you said, and we're sorry.
Murray: How could you think we don't need you? Look at us, we're a mess! If it weren't for you, we'd all be living under a rock!
Barry: It's true. We really appreciate everything you do for us, and Dad didn't even tell me to say that.

Murray: I know what you're doing. You're trying to turn this around on me so I'll say we should go get Erica so you can look innocent. Not gonna work.
Beverly: Your daughter is at a college frat house wearing a sheet of thin bedding.
Murray: Holy
[censored]
Murray: let's go!

Beverly: It's your fiftieth birthday. Your nifty fifties!
Murray: What's so nifty about throwing my back out every time I sneeze?

Murray: You're going to invent a time-travelling robit just to spite me?
Adam: Yes, and it will be a better father than you ever were!
Murray: Good, because I'm open to a metal man coming down here and taking some of this off my plate!

Murray: I'm fixing your body flex gizmo, don't ever let your dumb friends put anything else together.
Barry: I won't. But I could use a workout buddy.
Murray: We both know that's not happening.
Barry: It was worth a try.
Murray: Look, I want to see you get married, I want to hold your baby, I want to always be there for you.
Barry: Well I hope you are.
Murray: Don't hope, I will be. I'm not the kind of guy who exercises, but if you're really worried about it, we could go for a walk once in a while.
Barry: Really?
Murray: Just promise me we'll talk about MacGyver or the Eagles, no more of this heart to heart stuff.

Beverly: What's that?
Murray: What's what?
Beverly: That thing, that foot sticking out.
Murray: Oh, that's Adam's baby. I'm using it for lumbar support.

Marvin: I just want him to be successful like Charlie Sheen on Wall Street.
Murray: He betrays his father and goes to jail in that movie.
Marvin: Way to ruin the ending for me!

Murray: [to Barry] Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.

Murray: All my children have jobs! This is my dream. I close my eyes and this is what I see.
Adam: It's a sad dream, but you've a sad life, so I get it.

Geoff: Thank you for believing in love!
Murray: No! That's the opposite of what I believe in!

Beverly: [about Erica] If she eats so much as one piece of crack, I will have failed as a mother.
Murray: You *usually* say that for dramatic purposes, but this time I agree.

Murray: [Barry's singing the A-Team theme song as he drives] Stop that song!
Beverly: Shut up! I love you, but shut up!