250 Best The Goldbergs Quotes

Beverly: I'm your Mama! I pushed you out of my swimsuit area!

Adam: So you'll do it?
Johnny: Sure, but I have two questions for you: Can I play my sax, and how loud can I play my sax?

Adam: You literally said I wasn't serious enough to meet your parents.
Jackie: That's not what it was about.
Adam: That's exactly what it is. I tried being political, and I sucked, but who I really am isn't serious enough, I can't win no matter what I do.
[walks away]

Mr. Crosby: There can only be ONE!... Highlander Club.

Adam: [after sinking a golf cart] We should call Erica.
Barry: You heard what she said. She doesn't want anything to do with our awesome hijinks.
Adam: I think this is more of a... felony.
Barry: We should run.

Barry: Reverse microwave, makes things colder.
Andy: So... a refridgerator?

Mr. Mellor: If he doesn't pass gym class, he won't be able to teach physical education.
Beverly: [sarcastically] Oh, no.
Mr. Mellor: And he won't be able to pass the eight grade.
Beverly: [serious] Oh, no!
Mr. Mellor: Yeah, I probably should've lead with that.

Erica: Look at me, I had braces and glasses and frizzy hair!
Barry: Oh please!
[puts on his retainer]
Barry: Look at my braces! You get the cool metal ones, mine has a chin strap!

Erica: [shows up at a frat party in a bedsheet] Toga! Toga!
Lainey: [warningly] No, don't do that.

Beverly: [to Barry and Erica] All I wanted was one nice picture for the wall, that's all.

Barry: Oh, my God! You love her.
Murray: I do not.
Barry: You have actual love in your heart and you're using it on the dog!
Murray: I don't love the dog!
Barry: Then you won't mind if I take her back. Where's the receipt?
Murray: You can't take her back, she's family! You don't take back family!

Murray: I'm not friend material.
Albert: That is not true, Murray. Out of all the friends I have, my favorite one, is you.
Narrator: And that's when my dad realized his first friend wasn't Bill Lewis, it was Pops!

Albert: Bevvy, we've been thinking about what you said, and we're sorry.
Murray: How could you think we don't need you? Look at us, we're a mess! If it weren't for you, we'd all be living under a rock!
Barry: It's true. We really appreciate everything you do for us, and Dad didn't even tell me to say that.

Albert: [about death] We all have our time. But I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. You want to know what my secret is?
Adam: What?
Albert: Hanging out with my best friend, who keeps me young. Now, you want to run your grandpa over with a car?
Adam: I'd love to!

Barry: I'm getting married to a college dropout! This year turned out awesome!

Beverly: I want huggies.
Erica: Of course.
Beverly: And snuggies.
Barry: On it.
Beverly: And nubbies. Lots and lots of nubbies.
Erica: I don't know what those are and I'm too scared to ask, but sure.

Albert: A girl and a duck in bed? Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?

Beverly: No child of mine is going to pay for the consequences of her actions.

Murray: I try new things. I had that big pink orange that one time.
Beverly: You mean the grapefruit?
Murray: Exactly. Never again!

Beverly: I know exactly how to butter up your father. You do it with meat. And actual butter.

Erica: [Geoff is at her front yard blasting "Alone" by Heart from his boombox] Geoff, what are you doing?
Geoff: I'm proclaiming my love for you. It's from Say Anything, it's how your dorky little brother got a girl way out of his league.
Erica: It's not even the right song!
Geoff: Is it? I never saw it.
Erica: Oh, my God, stop Say Anything-ing me and go home!

Barry: Forbidden love is the best kind of love, behind tender and jungle.

Erica: Where are the car keys? We're going to the theater.
Beverly: No, you agreed we were going to spend the day bedazzling.
Erica: I'm pretty sure that was a dream.
Beverly: Well, nevertheless I have everything set up, so let's make those drab clothes sparkle.

Adam: Haven't you seen the news?
Beverly: Oh no, I never watch the news, all it does is make your father so angry he throws a shoe at the TV.

Murray: [to Beverly] Just because I don't like to try new things doesn't mean I don't love you. I never thought I'd be happy, and you created this whole amazing life for us, and I don't want that to change.

Dave: [Referring to using real swords rather than wrapping paper tubes to recreate a sword fight in "The Princess Bride"] Maybe your mother can buy them for us.
Adam: [Sarcastically] Oh, that's a *great* idea! Let's just go ask my *safety-obsessed* mother if she'll buy us real swords to play with!

Erica: What are the rules?
Adam: Don't go in your room, don't touch your crap, don't go in your room to touch your crap.
Erica: Exactly, and right now you're breaking all of them. Get out!

[Beverly is forcing the family to decide on a board game to play]
Beverly: The Game of Life?
Albert: I've already played it. Turns out there are no winners.
[turns to Adam]
Albert: You'll see.

Beverly: [to the cop that arrested Adam, Pops, and Barry] Remember this face, officer, because it is gonna haunt your dreams. IT'S GONNA HAUNT YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' DREAMS!

Murray: I get what's going on. You played me.
Adam: What?
Murray: You used my love of sports and our awkwardness of our relationship to get what you wanted.
Adam: I am insulted by these accusations!
Dave: You literally used those exact words just a few minutes ago.
Adam: Shut up, Dave Kim!
Dave: [to Murray] My name's Dave Kim, by the way.

Barry: This is too much! I'm freaking out!
Murray: Don't freak out.
Barry: I'm freaking out!
Murray: Don't freak out!
[Barry slaps the beer from Murray's hand]
Murray: What the hell was that?
Barry: I panicked! I... I didn't know what to do!
Murray: You drink it! You don't slap it across the room!
Barry: I know that now!

Beverly: Penn State made your father everything he is today.
Murray: Bevvie, I lost another hot dog.
Beverly: Why does this keep happening?
Murray: I think it's because my hot dog eating hand is also my gesturing hand.
Erica: I think I've made my case.

Coach: You're not going to leave until I agree, aren't you?
Beverly: Beverly Goldberg never backs down. Also, I'm very intrusive. Orange slice?
[Coach Nick takes all the slices]
Beverly: Those are meant to be shared.

Matt: We've been talking and feel you could be a little more respectful of our stuff.
Barry: When am I disrespectful, stupid Matt Bradley?
'Naked': For instance, you constantly use my toothbrush.
Barry: To clean the shower, so you're welcome.
Matt: Also, every time I get home from work, you ninja surprise me with a bo staff to the belly.
Barry: I thought you were a burglar!
Matt: Six times?
Andy: And you ate my allergy medicine.
Barry: I regret that one, tasted real bad.
Matt: So you're gonna change your ways and become a better room mate?
Barry: Over some ticky tack stuff like wearing your shirts and socks and underwear?
Matt: What?
'Naked': Plus, when we talk, you always interrup...
Barry: Silence! Okay! You made your mediocre case, JTP and since it's the season of forgiveness, you'll be happy to know I forgive you for attacking me in my own home.
Matt: I apologise for using this language, but Barry's a crummy room mate!
Andy: It's like no matter what we say, he still wears our underwear.
'Naked': Tasty needs to be stopped.

Erica: You can't just change the rules!
Murray: That is a valid point. But guess what? Tough crap!

Beverly: [Murray's gone overboard with the couponing] This can says 'Meat'. There are no other descriptive words!

Johnny: I'll phone you. Saxophone you.

Adam: [as a Decepticon in his movie] I guess that's the last of you, Optimus Prime.
Albert: [comes back up] I *literally* can't die!

Murray: I'm fixing your body flex gizmo, don't ever let your dumb friends put anything else together.
Barry: I won't. But I could use a workout buddy.
Murray: We both know that's not happening.
Barry: It was worth a try.
Murray: Look, I want to see you get married, I want to hold your baby, I want to always be there for you.
Barry: Well I hope you are.
Murray: Don't hope, I will be. I'm not the kind of guy who exercises, but if you're really worried about it, we could go for a walk once in a while.
Barry: Really?
Murray: Just promise me we'll talk about MacGyver or the Eagles, no more of this heart to heart stuff.

Adam: Crap! I accidentally tore my pre-ripped store jeans!
Albert: You *paid* money for jeans that somebody else cut holes in? What idiot does that?

Narrator: My arcade job was a bust, but I had the perfect way to get the money back.
Adam: Yo, Ponytail! Give me my damn money!
Johnny: No.
Adam: Okay, that didn't work. Please do the right thing and give me back my money.
Johnny: l've considered your offer, and I have a counter offer: eat my butt.

Barry: Here's some pudding. Thought you might need it.
Erica: I don't need your pity pudding. Dammit, yes I do!
[Grabs pudding and starts wolfing it down]

Barry: Members of the JTP.
Andy: JTP!
Barry: You are about to witness the greastest musical event of your lives.
Andy: Better than seeing all the greatest bands play Live Aid?
Barry: One thousand percent! I literally bet Adam's life on it.
Adam: Wait, what?

Principal: My Saturdays are free! That harpsicord has been sitting idle in the family room for too long!

Barry: I feel like Smokey and the Bandit!

Barry: Now, I don't wanna make too big a deal outta this, but I do believe it'll be the greatest moment in the history of everything.

Murray: Good morning, family, which I will not be seeing for the next six glorious hours.

Beverly: I lost my little baby. His name's Adam, goes by "Schmoo."
Freddy: Schmoo's not here.
[chuckles]
Beverly: I... take it you work here.
Freddy: Try again.
Beverly: Yeah, I don't have time for games. I lost my son.
Freddy: Oooh. Bad mommy lost her little brat.
Beverly: I'm sorry. Who do you think you are?
Freddy: Your worst nightmare.

Beverly: [after seeing a video compilation of Murray doing nice things for her proving his love for her] I hate my new ring, I'm going to take it back first thing tomorrow.
Murray: I thought the guy said no returns.
Beverly: [shrugs] Eh, I'll guilt him into it.

Erica: [Murray has instantly fallen asleep] How are you already asleep?
Beverly: He's deactivated.

Barry: See? Adam's photo is twice the size of ours.
Beverly: It was a mistake. The photographer gave me the wrong size and I couldn't return it.
Barry: Please! I've seen you return a dead goldfish, used chapstick and a swimsuit dad wore for ten days straight in Puerto Rico,
Beverly: The elastic waistband was destroyed. Destroyed!

Beverly: Gotta hide.
[runs into a closet]
Beverly: What the - my sweaters!
Freddy: You got good taste, lady.

Johnny: Thirteenth grade? Dammit, I was assured high school stopped at twelve.

Jackie: I never said it was lame, and I definitely never told you to cut your jeans off into Daisy Dukes.
Adam: I know.

Barry: What a rip! Chuck Norris wasn't even there, just some lady named Maya Angelou, and she didn't know anything about karate.

Adam: Here's the thing, I love funny movies and puppet based sitcoms, and that's what I want to do with my life, to make movies that will entertain people of all age groups, and yeah I know it's super lame, but that's who I am.

Adam: Isn't there an executive bathroom with scented soaps instead of an open river of whiz?

Beverly: [Stopping her dance routine] Can we start over?
Barry: Is she asking me? Is this my decision?

Mr. Mellor: Shut your giggle holes and listen up, chumps. I have two announcements to make. First, whoever wrote my phone number in the boy's bathroom, I will find you.
Dave: [to Adam] I called to ask if his refrigerator was running. It wasn't, and then it got sad.

Barry: You may be a poser, but I am too. I can't dunk like Charles Barkley, I'm not in the Yakuza, and my body isn't as cut as L.L. Cool J.
Erica: Your secret is safe with me.

Murray: Learn about stamps or you're grounded, moron!
Adam: Fine, I'll give your tiny lickable history squares a stupid chance!

Johnny: Johnny Atkins respects women. I get bad hair days too.
[Flips pony tail]
Johnny: But not many.

Barry: [watching the video of Murray and Beverly's wedding] You're sitting down!
Murray: I told her it was low blood sugar, but the truth was I was terrified.
Barry: Why?
Murray: Look at her! Beautiful, smart, I couldn't believe she wanted to be with a guy like me.

Carla: I stole a Jet-Ski, and got chased by the Coast Guard, and then I crashed the Jet-Ski into a pier. I'm lucky to be alive. It was so funny!

Adam: Look! They have hay rides! Hay makes everything better!
Beverly: Tell that to Rachel Hublitz's nephew who went on a hay ride and the open-air wagon turned over. They had to saw him out of the wreckage and they accidentally cut the poor boy in half. Now he's just a torso and has to ride a special medical skateboard to his job at the DMV.

Beverly: I'm sure that if my Schmoopsie says he can't swim, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation.
Mr. Mellor: Then you agree that he's working for the CIA and is wearing a wire?
Beverly: That's classified.

Barry: I feel anger all over my body!

Beverly: [Barry's blowing party blowouts in her face] This is how you're going to start off the new year, acting like a moron?

Erica: That is such a double standard!
Barry: No, it's not. It just means I win because I'm a boy and you're not.
Erica: That is the very definition of a double standard, idiot!

Vinny: Jackie Renee Geary, get to the car!
Murray: I bet it's a Volkswagen love bus.
Vinny: It's a Saab, so suck it!

Bill: More secrets revealed.
Vic: I've talked about this many times.
Bill: You're a friend of a friend. How much am I really expected to invest?

Narrator: In most households, a dinner this quiet was normal, but in our family, it meant something was seriously wrong.
Barry: [whispering] What's going on?
Erica: [whispering] Dad bought Mom a spite ring and she's wearing it to spite him.

Erica: Oh, my God. We're smart, ambitious women, and we're talking about scrunchies. Can't we talk about something more important?
Lainey: I have something. Wait, that's also about scrunchies.

Barry: [shouting at Beverly] The only person who understands me is Flavor Flav!
[Barry runs past Murray into the house]
Murray: Who runs like that?

Erica: Don't think of it as dropping out. Think of it as me transferring back here.
Murray: This school rejects your application.

Erica: You kept all of those?
Beverly: I've been saving them for a rainy day. And guess what? Storm's a comin'!

Beverly: You used to ride a bike, see plays and go to museums. What happened to the man I married?
Erica: Dad rode a bike?
Adam: Ha! That must have looked nuts!
Barry: That's like Charles Barkley jockeying a horse. I can't even imagine that.

Johnny: [after auditioning] Before you say yes, I have 200 demands.

Barry: Don't shoot! I'm all potential!

Erica: [Murray charges up 3 flights of stairs] Dad's taking the stairs! He's taking them two at a time, how is this possible?
Beverly: Your father is *activated*, dear.

Barry: The Pops we know would crank up the music, jump the fence and steal all the knishes.

Ben: I know I don't say this often enough, Adam, but, uh, you're my grandson.
Adam: Thank you for that basic acknowledgement.

Erica: [Looking at the classifieds] This one just says "Wanted: Lady."
Albert: Don't call that number.
Erica: Yeah, I know.

Mr. Mellor: Now, are you going to stand up for yourself and be a man, or are you gonna cower behind your mommy?
[Cut to Beverly in Mellor's office, with Adam literally cowering behind her]
Beverly: You make my boys compete against each other?
Adam: I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Murray: I'm not depressed. I'm a dad.

Adam: What the hell is the H word?

Beverly: How could you do this to me?
Murray: Make our children into responsible adults? I don't know what got into me.

Narrator: Back then poser was the worse thing you could call a person. It meant you were a fake, or you had a keychain from a band you never heard of.

Murray: Who are you?
Johnny: I'm Johnny Atkins. Yeah, that Johnny Atkins.
Murray: I'm her dad. Yeah, that dad.

Narrator: [after Adam splices home movies showing Murray doing nice things for Bev] It turns out the most romantic movie in the 80s, was the one starring my parents.

Beverly: You will never guess who I just saw during my power walk slash power sit and eat Sbarro at the mall.
Murray: Tip O'Neill?
Beverly: No.
Murray: Mr. Belvedere?
Beverly: TV character.
Murray: Quick Draw McGraw.
Beverly: Cartoon.
Murray: Walden Books.
Beverly: That is a store.

'Naked': Put him in a body bag, Adam!
Andy: Which Adam?
'Naked': Eh, either one.

Marvin: I just want him to be successful like Charlie Sheen on Wall Street.
Murray: He betrays his father and goes to jail in that movie.
Marvin: Way to ruin the ending for me!

Dave: Looks like you're going to need a new partner for Double Dare.
Handsome: Yeah. Hey, Amy. Wanna be my partner?
Amy: Sure! You're so handsome.
Dave: Dave Kim. Always a bridesmaid.

Beverly: [about Erica] If she eats so much as one piece of crack, I will have failed as a mother.
Murray: You *usually* say that for dramatic purposes, but this time I agree.

Barry: This is nothing like that movie! Now help me climb the vent like in the movie.

Murray: You're going to invent a time-travelling robit just to spite me?
Adam: Yes, and it will be a better father than you ever were!
Murray: Good, because I'm open to a metal man coming down here and taking some of this off my plate!

[last lines]
Narrator: And to this day, Emmy and I are *still* just friends.

[Adam's lab partner is a girl who he thinks is out of his league]
Brea: Look, Adam trust me. Once you get to know me, you're gonna like me.
Adam: Challenge accepted.

Barry: Your wandering eye hates you so much it wants to leave your face.

Adam: [Murray's playing Andre the Giant's part in Adam's version of The Princess Bride] Okay, Dad, try to look enormous!

Murray: [to the video store clerk] Don't talk. I know, I'm banned. This isn't about me, it's about somebody who loves movies as much as you do.

Barry: A job? How would I be able to spend time after school at the mall if I have a job after school at the mall?

Beverly: The atomic symbol C stands for what?
Barry: Chemistry.
Beverly: Carbon! It stands for carbon.
Barry: But it also stands for chemistry, so half a point.

Barry: I have the keys to the store. I don't even have the keys to the house. I have to sit in the tree and wait for someone to come home.

Murray: What are you doing up here?
Beverly: I needed to eat my feelings, and this is where Adam hid his Halloween candy from you.
Murray: Is there anything good left?
Beverly: No, just these awful circus peanuts.
Murray: Yeah, nobody likes those.
Beverly: Just like me. I'm the circus peanut of mothers.

Adam: It's the only way I can beat my rival, Handsome Ben.
Emmy: There is no rivalry. It's totally one sided.
Adam: Oh, yeah? Watch this. Hey, Handsome Ben.
Handsome: Hey, Adam. Good luck on Double Dare tomorrow. I hope you get it.
Adam: Stupid jealous Handsome Ben.

Adam: The Wonder Years is the best. Who doesn't love a kid looking back on his formative years with, I'm just gonna say it, wonder?
Brea: Except, I don't buy Kevin and Winnie. It's like 'why is she with him?'
Adam: What? He's a loveable everyboy with timeless and deceptive charm.
Brea: Ehh. He's short and has a weird voice. Plus, he's got that annoying best friend.
Dave: Paul's the breakout character. If anyone's annoying, it's the older brother.
Barry: Wayne rules. I like the way he doesn't think anything through.
Erica: I'm a fan of the older sister. Why don't they give her more stories?

Barry: Boy George, of the glam group Culture Club? What does he have that I don't have?
Erica: He's handsome, he's stylish, he's everything you're not.
Barry: We'll see about that. I'm flying to England and challenging him to a duel. Maybe I can show him my demo tape. No, no distractions!

Albert: I just had a fight with Adam.
Murray: You had a fight with Adam? About what?
Albert: He refuses to hit me with the car!
Murray: [unfazed] Okay.
Albert: All of a sudden he's acting like I'm some fragile old fogie who can't do anything.

Mr. Glascott: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg, I wanted to address this teacher's lounge breach head on.
Murray: Couldn't this have been a phone call?
Mr. Glascott: Believe me, I don't want to be here either, cause after school, I go to the mall with my parrot and people treat me with respect. Her name is Feather Locklear, a real head turner.
Adam: Look, I'm sorry I used the fax, but I just want to reach my girlfriend.
Murray: Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable! You're a guidance guy, guide him, tell him long-distance relationships don't work.

Principal: Due to Ms. Cinoman's accident, the producers of Phantom of the Opera caught wind of our illegal production. Apparently, you can't take a new hit musical and stage it in a high school without permission.
Adam: Balls!
Principal: Inappropriate. But accurate.

Albert: Look it's Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins. That's the two best Kennys in one room. It's unpresedented.

Beverly: I'm a horrible mom.
Erica: None of us were at our best.

Murray: I've been thinking about what you said, and the truth is, watching that movie scared me.
Barry: It did?
Murray: Yeah, all I want to do is protect my family, and the idea that I might not be able to do that, it keeps me up at night.
Barry: So what do we do?
Murray: Nothing. Just live this life and keep our loved ones close.

Barry: What is happening? My senses are engaged.

Adam: We all hate swimming. We don't like seeing each other in our swimsuits because we all feel super weird about our super weird bodies. So I ask you, isn't that punishment enough?
Mr. Mellor: No. Three months detention.
Adam: Balls.

Barry: What are you doing in my basketball court-slash-our driveway? Basketball is my thing, along with all sports. Go get your own, but you can't, 'cause they're all mine!

Barry: Dinner is the only time of the day when I get to just be myself.

Barry: You made Shrinky Dinks without me? You know I live for shrinking Dinks!

Adam: Okay, so, I narrowed it down to these 29 horror movies.
Jackie: I think all we need is one. "Nightmare on Elm Street."
Adam: Yeah, I'm not so sure. Something about Freddy Krueger creeps me out. It could be the face or the claws or the whole fall-asleep-and-you-die concept.
Jackie: Oh, don't worry. I'll protect you.
Beverly: No. That's my job! And you know my number one rule: No scary movies.
Adam: That's the thing, it's *not* scary. "Elm Street" is a very charming rom-com.
Beverly: "High school friends slaughtered in their sleep by the predatory monster of their shared nightmares"?
Adam: Gah! What's the worst that can happen?
Beverly: I don't know. Why don't you ask Joyce Dimarco's son Anthony. He didn't sleep for three years after watching "The Exorcist", so his body never grew. Well, now he's a 4'7" adult man who needs a special stool to use a sink!

Mr. Mellor: I'm going to put this as delicately as possible. You smell like a gym sock's butt.
Adam: Thanks.
Mr. Mellor: You smell like a garlic diaper.
Adam: Thanks.
Mr. Mellor: You smell like an egg salad sandwich that's been left out in the sun.
Adam: Thanks.

Barry: It's just pink eye. Everyone gets it.
Erica: Not everyone gets it from a kaleidoscope they find on the underpass.
Barry: Hey, the crusty puffiness in my eye is worth the view of the world this kaleidoscope will give me.
[puts it to his good eye]
Lainey: You know you're going to get it in your other eye.
Barry: Huh?

Mr. Mellor: Everyone pick your pickleball partner. Make sure your pickleball partner hasn't already been picked.

Barry: I'm going to get some Jolts so I can be nice and wired for when I yell stuff at the scream.

Barry: [outraged about the size of his paycheck] I know I made more than this. Why is it so low?
Murray: Taxes! You got federal, state, Social Security, FICA.
Barry: What are you talking about? Those aren't real things!

Adam: What about the old expression, "happy mom, happy life"?
Murray: The expression is "happy wife, happy life".
Adam: It rhymes! I knew "Happy mom, happy life" was too clunky! God, I'm such a putz!

Erica: You may like the Beastie Boys, but you can't be like the Beastie Boys. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two hopeless dorks.
Barry: That's right. We need a third.
Erica: It feels like I could say anything at this point and you'd just do whatever you want.
Barry: She's right. Let's hold auditions!

Adam: You're just like Pop-Pop, crusing all my dreams like he crushed yours.
Murray: I am nothing like him. Did you ever go hungry? Did you ever get left behind at school? Did you ever cry yourself to sleep not knowing if he would ever come back?
Adam: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Murray: There's a lot of things you don't now.

Beverly: [hungover] What was I thinking?
Erica: You were thinking I'm terrible because I tried to ditch you.
Beverly: You're wonderful. You took care of me all night.
Erica: It was just one night and I wanted to die. You do it every single day for all of us, and that's actually pretty cool.

Murray: [to Adam] Here's your own video card. I'm banned, you're not. I prepaid for 50 movies, which should last you... about a month.
[Adam gets up and hugs him]

Ben: She's a smoking hot broad with a caboose that never stops chugging.

Barry: Sweet Rebecca De Mornay, it's happening! We're gonna throw a real, live kick-ass "risky business" party!

Barry: [Pinned under a golf cart] I'm good!
Adam: Oh, God!
Barry: I'm good!
Adam: You just gor run over by a golf cart!
Barry: I'm good!
Adam: Why do you keep saying you're good? There's no way you're good! I'm going to get Erica!
Barry: No! I'm the Erica now! Listen closely... Go get Erica! There's a golf car on me!
Adam: I thought you said you were good!
Barry: Go get her!

Dana: My dad said I shouldn't talk to you anymore.
Adam: Oh, I understand.
Dana: Too bad I never listen to him.

Brea: Jessica Biggs meet Sadie Stanley

Narrator: Once again, my smother has chained herself to my life and made it really awkward really quick. I had to make it up to Dana, and fast.
Adam: How about a toast? To the world's best mother.
Beverly: [Peeking her head back in] Someone call me? No? Okay, then.

Murray: Everyone's happy except for me. Seems about right.

Lainey: You're sweet and kind, and I love you for that, but you're the opposite of punk rock.
Barry: Then I'll be the opposite of the opposite of punk rock!
Erica: So, punk rock?

[Adam and Barry walk in to the house with a tetherball pole stuck to their mouths]
Murray: I've raised morons.
Adam: That's fair.

Beverly: [to Erica] Every day you tell me that I ruin your life and you roll your eyes at me, and I know you're a teenager and that's just how it is, but it *hurts*!

Barry: Don't you dare moonwalk away from that cereal! I own that move that Michael Jackson invented!

Beverly: How will they learn the science behind the three Cs: cooking, cleaning and cheesing?

Barry: He doesn't know a lay-up from a bank shot! Go ahead, ask him what a bank shot is.
Adam: Is it when you make a lot of bank by throwing the orange ball into the hoop?

Erica: [digging up the ground] How are you so good at this?
Beverly: Jazzercise builds upper body strength.

Beverly: [nonchalantly walking in on Barry while he's showering] What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?
Barry: Privacy!

Beverly: [to Erica,freaking out about Adam's birthday party] Where's the phone? I'm calling the fucking clown.

Johnny: Give me a fistful of quarters before I give you a face full of fist.

Adam: Pops, how do you always look on the bright side of everything?
Albert: It's childlike wonder, no matter how old you get, people like us, it's important to never lose it.

Barry: [on why he wants Murray to exercise] I want you to be at my wedding, I want you to hold my baby, I want you around as long as possible.
Narrator: For the first time in his life, Barry had told Dad the way he really felt. Unfortunately, my dad couldn't do the same.
Murray: [stammering] I, I don't know what you want me to say.
Barry: [defeatedly] My friends were right, there's no point in talking to dads.
[turns around and walks away]

Adam: We've just been cleaning for this slob!
Barry: I must unleash my anger, thorugh karate!
[Starts cleaning]
Barry: This is all I know! What am I?

Barry: We're getting married!
Beverly: Did he just say they're getting married?
Murray: That's tomorrow's problem.

Beverly: Boom! Read it and weep!
Murray: Read it for me. It hurts to look down.

Geoff: [reading one of Beverly's letters to Erica] "Dear Squishy, I know change is hard. But I promise you Sweetie, your boobies will grow just like the rest of you." Okay, maybe I shouldn't read all these.

Adam: Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
'Naked': It's full nudity or I walk.

Adam: Enough! All I wanted to do was make a fun little game about my life, and now everyone's mad and wants me to change it. Lesson learned. I'm never going to make anything about this family ever again.

Erica: You don't trust me, and I keep doing the wrong things that *make* you not trust me. When is this going to change?
Beverly: Probably never. My mom was the same way and I always swore I'd never be like her. And here I am doing the same things to you. But there's a bright side, one day you'll have a daughter too.

Barry: The yearbook not recognizing my awesomeness is the greatest crime in history.

Adam: [after Adam tells the truth] So... it's Friday, see you at the treehouse tonight?
Emmy: What part of this don't you get?
Adam: I get it, I do... but you said it yourself, we're not just friends, we're more like family... and in my family, we fight, we scream, we make *horrible* mistakes that go on way too long, but an hour later, we're talking again, that's what it means to be a Goldberg.

Murray: [to Barry] Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.

Adam: [about the Star Wars holiday special] I don't know why Art Carney is a family friend, or why Jefferson Starship performed a song for the Empire.
Murray: Starship's in their name, that one makes sense.

Beverly: [on her reluctance to accept Adam growing up] Murray, don't you see? They're not just my world... they're my *life*. If I'm not Mom anymore, what am I?

Erica: Do you two just hang around to rag on people?
Johnny: Yeah.
Carla: It makes me feel better about myself.

Mr. Mellor: The rubber balls are wet and moldy, so we're gonna be playing dodgeball with lady softballs. They're small, they're hard, and they will leave a mark.

[Adam is forced to wear his sister's jeans]
Beverly: Look you need to be grateful, because one day I won't be there to dress you.
Adam: You keep saying that, but when?

Beverly: Look at this floor. No, wait, don't. You'll get a seizure.

Barry: [Murray and Erica have spotted Barry at the roller skating rink] Okay, I know how this looks.
Erica: Then you know it's hilarious, right?
Barry: You shut your face!
[Murray cackles with laughter]
Barry: So now you know. This is where I go on the weekend.
Murray: What happened to your rap club?
Barry: It was just my cover.
Erica: Okay, you know you're supposed to cover something embarrassing with something *less* embarrassing, right?
Barry: Your face is embarrassing! I've been coming here the past two months. Skating helps me blow off steam. You know? Roll it out.
Murray: [while Erica laughs] Roll it out.
[Murray joins in with Erica's laughter]
Barry: Go ahead, go ahead, keep laughing. Doesn't bother me. That's the great thing about this place. I get respect.
[another skater rolls by and slaps hands with Barry]
Murray: Yes, from a nine year old who just high-fived you.
Barry: He's almost eleven!

Beverly: This is all your fault, Phil Donahue! Silver haired bastard.

Adam: How could they kill off Optimus Prime? That'd be like killing off Superman!
Albert: You've been talking about this for two days now.
Adam: If I'd made that movie, Optimus would've lived!
Albert: There you go, let's make our own movie and we'll right the wrongs of those Hollywood bastards!

Barry: I want my stuff back! I need my samurai sword! I need my California Raisins! I need my dancing soda can!
Beverly: [Pulls out dancing soda can] You mean this? He dances for me now. Shake it for mama.

Albert: [about the Star Wars holiday special] I think you missed something cool from that movie.
[holds up Adam's Boba Fett figure]
Albert: You recognize this guy?
Adam: Yeah, Boba Fett.
Albert: You gotta admit he was pretty cool in it.
Adam: Wait a minute, that was made long before 'The Empire Strikes Back'. You mean if it wasn't for the holiday special, we wouldn't have the Fett?

Murray: You shaved my moustache whlie I slept? Who does that?
Beverly: Me. I do that.
Albert: She hopped on top of you and shaved you and you didn't even noticed?
Murray: I'm a hard sleeper. When I drop, I drop hard.
Beverly: I do a lot of things while you sleep. Nose hairs, toenails, Q-tip stuff.

Barry: You said your coach made you take tap to help with your balance.
Mr. Mellor: I never took tap! I took modern, it's a man's dance.

Beverly: Your one ply toilet paper is sandpapering our tushies. Poor Adam can hardly walk!

Beverly: [after catching Murray sleeping upstairs during his surpirse party] Aunt Rose made an ice-cream cake with your face on it!
Murray: Ooh, I'll have a slice of me.
Beverly: Well, you can't, because it all melted. It's ice-cream soup now.
Murray: I'm a milkshake. Well, that's the dream.

Beverly: Murray, Erica just answered the phone and immediately hung up. There can be only one explanation.
Murray: She doesn't want to talk to you. Go back to sleep.
Beverly: She was eating a hard candy and choked and tried to call 9-1-1.
Murray: What kind of college has hard candy lying around?
Beverly: You don't know! There could be a hard candy dish on the lobby.
Murray: You were watching Donahue again, weren't you?
Beverly: He did a show on chocking hazzards. Did you know hard candies kill more people than smoking?
Murray: Stupid grey-haired bastard. All he does is make you worry.

Albert: [Barry knocks a bagel from his hand] My bagel!
Barry: Forget the bagel! Schmear me with your knowledge!

Adam: How dare you use ALF against me? ALF is sacred!
Erica: He eats cats.
Adam: Cats are the chickens of Melmac!

Adam: This is my life-long dream.
Murray: I thought your life-long dream was to be cast as an Ewok.
Adam: I'm too big now!

Mr. Glascott: [to Beverly] Teachers only.
Principal: The blonde lady stays. Someone is parked in my space.
Beverly: This will not stand.
Mr. Glascott: I have to go move my car.

Barry: Lainey and I want you to go on Dance Party U.S.A. with us.
Erica: [with pink eye, glasses, a bad curly perm and a neck brace] There's no way I can go on TV like this!
Barry: Sure you can.
Erica: How can you say that?
Barry: [gestures to her whole geeky appearance] This is how I feel every single day of my life. And after seeing you melt down in the cafeteria today, I don't want you to ever feel this bad again.

Beverly: Whatever, I don't care what happens to me. I'm already living my worst nightmare.
Freddy: Huh? I - I thought I was doing a - a pretty damn good job here.
Beverly: No, you're great with the knifey hands and the melting-candle face. It's just... Adam said he wished I wasn't his mother.
Freddy: Oh, geez. That's an awful thing to say. Mm. I'm-a kill him.
Beverly: No. The more I think about it, I deserved what Adam said. I was terrible to Jackie's parents.
Freddy: Parents. Who needs 'em? I never knew any of my fathers, and I turned out just fine.
Beverly: I don't see how that applies to me, but I couldn't stand the Gearys because the way they parented. But, then, they were able to help Adam, and I wasn't.
Freddy: Eh, this is getting way too touchy-feely for this cowboy. *Bleep* it, time to die!
Beverly: No. Time to get my *bleep* son back.
Freddy: Hey! I say the *bleep* around here, lady!
Beverly: Not anymore, Mr. Kroeger.
Freddy: Krueger! It's Krueger!

[Beverly's upset that Erica and Geoff are sharing an apartment]
Beverly: Okay, here's what's gonna happen; Barry and Erica are gonna move back here. We're gonna home-college them and occasionally let them into the backyard for vitamin D and free play.
Murray: I think everything's gonna be okay.
Beverly: You're okay with your sweet little peanut shacking up with that walking menace Geoff Schwartz?
Murray: Menace? They already spent the summer in a van half the size of a dorm room.
Beverly: That's beside the point.
Murray: She loves him. He loves her. I don't like anybody, and I like him!

Barry: My mother genuinely wants me to thrive? This is horrible!

Lainey: Please don't touch my face. You've got Tater Tot hands.

Barry: How can you deny the world these sweet rhythmic moves?
Beverly: Oh, so this is happening.
[Starts dancing along]
Barry: Get away from me! I'm contagious!
Beverly: The only thing that's contagious is your sweet dance moves.

Erica: Where is he? Where is the man who gave me life only to ruin it with his stupidity?

Erica: [the entire JTP is fighting over Erica] Oh my god, Naked Rob is naked under that coat!
'Naked': I wanted you to be the first girl to see me naked!

Erica: Hands off the dork!
Johnny: Or what?
Erica: I sit behind you in Spanish class. Next siesta you take, snip-snip, off goes the ponytail.
Johnny: But that's where my soul resides.

Beverly: Surprise! Geoff didn't cheat on you. I just said that to get you to come to my dance recital. Isn't that fun?
Erica: I drove here all the way from DC at 90 miles per hour with tears in my eyes!

Beverly: Look me in the eye. You are not a nerd.
Adam: No, you look me in my lazy eye! I... am... a... nerd!

Beverly: It's those damn Gearys again! They mixed in with our baby! The chutzpah!
Murray: Those stinkin' hippies! They don't follow the rules of society.
Adam: Really? You guys are that threatened by them just because they're better parents than you in every way?
Beverly: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat did you just say?
Adam: Not in *every* way! I meant most ways, some ways! One way?
Beverly: Those Gearys are gonna get a crash course in real parenting from the Goldbergs.

Erica: How is it my fault every boy in our school is an unbearable moron?
Lainey: And that's another thing. You have to stop calling everyone a moron.
Murray: Morons! You're being too loud. Go find another house to stupid up.
Barry: Oh, my God! You've become just like dad. Way to go, Mur-man. Years of calling everyone on the planet a moron has poisoned your daughter's lovelife and left her cold and alone.
Murray: So you're saying I've raised a daughter who won't go out with dumbass high school boys? I think I've done my job.

Murray: Whoa!, You're talking to Seattle? I thought Danielle lived down the street?
Adam: It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved.
Murray: You can't call Seattle before 8:00, Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me?
[proceeds to hang up the phone on Adam in the process]
Adam: Hey! You made me hang up first.
Murray: I'm sorry, Adam, I can't afford your love, It's too pricy.
Adam: What's that supposed to mean?
Murray: It means I'm canceling our long-distance service. There, it's done, relationship over.

Beverly: It's morning in America, which means Dodd Wembley is taking his anxiety pills!

Barry: [At a job interview] What's my biggest weakness? I have to say I'm honest and I'm lazy. What's your biggest weakness?
Barry: [At another job interview] Who would win in a fight against a tiger and a bear? An excellent question that you didn't ask, but one that I'm willing to discuss at length.
Barry: [At a third job interview] Minimum wage? No. What's maximum wage?

Murray: Whatever this moron tells you to do, do the opposite.
Marvin: Would you do the opposite of a man who wears a toe ring on every toe?

Beverly: Sweep the leg!
Adam: Why did mom shout "Sweep the leg"?
Barry: No reason.

Geoff: Thank you for believing in love!
Murray: No! That's the opposite of what I believe in!

Adam: You don't think I'm a man?
Murray: Let me answer that with a question: what superhero is on your underwear right now?
Adam: I outgrew those months ago!

Adam: Mr. Glascott, come quick! It's an emergency!
Mr. Glascott: It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Adam: Barry started a fire on the stage!
Mr. Glascott: Damn it, it does matter! It matters a lot!

Beverly: *You* want the box?
Barry: Food is how our family shows love, right?

Narrator: Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced, crashed In the classic teen movie, Risky Business, He was a pantless party bad-ass, But for my brother Barry, Risky Business wasn't just a movie, it was a plan for life.

Adam: [after Emmy finds out he lied] The truth was too embarrassing, you would've lied too.
Emmy: Not to you.
Adam: Okay, but it's still me, your best friend.
Emmy: You don't get it, Adam. You're not just my friend, you're more like my brother, if I can't even trust you, who can I trust?
[slams door in his face]
Narrator: And just like that, I'd lost my best friend.

Murray: I might have told Adam something about old people die and he took it the wrong way.
Albert: What are you talking about?
Murray: Like when you're in the deli of life and it's your number to get a sandwich.
Albert: This deli sounds horrible, I'm not eating there.
Murray: Everybody has to eat there.
Albert: Well I'm just going to have a pickle.
Murray: You can't just have a pickle!
Albert: I'm in better shape than you! Check out these guns!
Murray: You're the crazy old man dressed like his favorite cartoon character that just died!
Albert: Geez, you're right. Adam's probably scared of losing both his heroes together.

Murray: He won't come when I yell at him! That's my only move as a parent!

Adam: I don't want to live in a world where we never speak to each other and we're only a mile apart.
Murray: Listen to me, that will *never* be us.

Murray: You can't ignore the foot. If the foot has no power, the whole system breaks down.

Barry: Lainey and I want two different things in this relationship. She wants us to have an equal partnership, and I want a give and take relationship like you and Dad have where you're always giving and he's always taking.
Murray: [puts down newspaper] Okay, I've heard enough, you're a moron. If you want a good marriage, quit worrying about what you want to take, and start thinking about what you want to give.
Beverly: [turns to Barry, in awe] Okay... maybe Lainey has a point.

Erica: [about a plush Garfield on a stick] Mom, what is that?
Beverly: It's a dancing cat, like in the Paula Abdul video.

Marvin: This is your phone. Always scream into it. It makes you seem important and scary.

Murray: [to Adam] When I say 'Don't be an idiot', I mean tell the truth, be a good person, that's what I do, and it always works.

Barry: Coach is our coach. When he feels feelings, he makes us run laps until we feel them too.

Beverly: How did you learn to make eggy in the hole?
Erica: That's right. We eggy our own holes now.
Barry: Your days of eggying our holes is over!

Barry: It's midnight already?
Mr. Mellor: Welcome to the first midnight of the rest of your life. For I have taught you to dance, and that will get you... whatever it is you wanted.

Wendi: [about the real life Bev-Wear jean jacket] Did you ever sell it?
Beverly: Not a single one.

Erica: Oh, so you can dish it out but you can't take it.
Adam: We *always* take it! Your our big sister, you're supposed to protect us, but instead you always torment us.

Beverly: He looks like a criminal, or in a barbershop quartet.
Albert: Don't mention barbershop quartet, that's the lowest form of musical entertainment. Just use an instrument, dammit.

Barry: I have been shamed! It's the Bushido code. Let these pop rocks and soda be the sword that gives me an honorable death.
Erica: I talked to the science teacher. It's not going to happen.
Barry: Tell that to the chemical reaction happening in my mouth.

Murray: All my children have jobs! This is my dream. I close my eyes and this is what I see.
Adam: It's a sad dream, but you've a sad life, so I get it.

Mr. Mellor: There's no climbing in school, unless it's on a rope hanging dangeroulsly from the rafters of the gym.

Murray: You need to apologize to your mom.
Erica: I know...
Murray: Not just for you, for me. There's no food in the house, today I had to eat an apple.
Erica: I'm not apologizing because you had to eat fruit.
Murray: Running this house is your mom's job, a job that has no employee discounts or benefits, and her customers: jerks! Every *single* one of them!

Adam: I've been super busy on a new movie, it's all stop motion animation, you know what the best thing about that is? *NO* actors.
Albert: Well you look like crap, have you even slept in the last two days?
Adam: No, I'm too busy making a masterpiece.

Albert: [dressed in a cardboard Optimus Prime suit] Here I am, Optimo!

Coach: Pain is weakness leaving the body.
[after Adam falls on him from the gym climbing rope]

Murray: I know what you're doing. You're trying to turn this around on me so I'll say we should go get Erica so you can look innocent. Not gonna work.
Beverly: Your daughter is at a college frat house wearing a sheet of thin bedding.
Murray: Holy
[censored]
Murray: let's go!

Beverly: Here, try Bevy's hangover cure.
Erica: It smells like fish.
Beverly: That's the shrimp. It's the aspirin of the sea.

Beverly: My babies can't live in a van. They could get kidnapped, and he wouldn't need a creepy van because one has been conveniently provided for him.

Barry: Well, well. Looks like the worm's on the other foot.

Beverly: What's that?
Murray: What's what?
Beverly: That thing, that foot sticking out.
Murray: Oh, that's Adam's baby. I'm using it for lumbar support.

Narrator: As much as I loved Real Genius, my brother wasn't one.

Barry: We're not going to lay down sweet rhymes, we're just going to speak from the heart.
Murray: That sounds even worse

Beverly: [to the cop that arrested Adam, Pops, and Barry] Remember this face, officer, because it is gonna haunt your dreams. IT'S GONNA HAUNT YOUR MOTHER FUCKIN' DREAMS!

Murray: [to Pop Pop, who answers the door in his underwear] Put your pants on! It makes people uncomfortable!
Narrator: *Said* my father.

Murray: [about The Day After] It's just a movie, Barry!
Barry: [firmly] I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you know for a fact, for a *fact*, that it could never happen.
[Murray doesn't answer]
Barry: That's what I thought.
[walks off]
Narrator: It was in that moment that my dad realized just how scared Barry actually was.

Barry: [Adam is eating cereal when Barry sits down and slaps his spoon down] I have narrowed down the breed of dog that best matches my personality.
Adam: Good morning to you too.
Barry: I either want one of those dogs that looks like a sheep...
Adam: A sheepdog.
Barry: ...a Cujo...
Adam: That's a name, not a breed.
Barry: ...a McGruff...
Adam: A cartoon dog.
Barry: ...or a bear crossed with a poodle.
Adam: Not possible.

Barry: [Murray changes the channel] Hey, I was watching that!
Murray: I know.
Barry: Why did you do that?
Murray: Because I don't care. I thought that was clear by now.

Mr. Mellor: Hit the showers, and don't wear underwear in there like a bunch of weirdos.

Beverly: We chased our passions and made them happen.

Adam: [reevaluating his movie collection] Short Circuit 2, Time Bandits, and don't even get me started on Jaws 4: The Revenge.
Albert: You love that movie.
Adam: 'This time it's personal'? Why would a shark swim from New England to the Bahamas to attack the woman who was married to the guy who killed his friend?
Albert: Sharks have feelings too.

Barry: What's this?
Murray: I opened a savings account in your name. I took the $6 you saved and I doubled it.
Barry: $12 isn't much of a nest egg.
Murray: You've got the rest of your life to save. Right now, what's important is building a life with the girl you love.

Beverly: Your first assigment: lasagna. This will be the greatest challenge of your young lives.
Rubén Amaro Jr.: But my mom makes lasagna all the time. How hard could it be?
Beverly: I don't know, is three layers of hand-rolled noodles, three stewed tomatoes and five different kinds of cheeses hard?
Brian: I only know two kinds of cheeses, string and Whiz.
Beverly: Goat. Gruyere. Gouda. Those are just the Gs. Shall I go on?

Murray: You're going to hang out with your mom tomorrow.
Erica: Or what?
Murray: Or stuff that I don't care about, I'm going to start voicing my opinion on. Like your allowance. Gone.
Erica: What?
Murray: Your curfew? 6 P.M.
Erica: You can't do this!
Murray: The length you can wear your skirt. No skirts. Just pants, with pleats.

Beverly: It's your fiftieth birthday. Your nifty fifties!
Murray: What's so nifty about throwing my back out every time I sneeze?

Adam: [In gyroscope] My system! My delicate system!

Murray: [repeated line] I raised a moron.

Beverly: Murray, I can't lose Erica for four whole years.
Murray: [pause] I would rather lose her for four short years, than hold her back forever.

Albert: It's not my fault. The tie was on the door. When the tie is on the door, the pants are on the floor. Everyone knows that.
Murray: I can't unsee what I just saw! It was like two hairless cats fighing on a pile of pizza dough.
Albert: It was a low angle.

Barry: It's the way of the samurai. You must repay your debt.
Erica: There's no such thing.
Barry: It's the Bushido code!
Erica: Sounds like a lot of bull-shido.
Barry: It's ancient history written in stone! You can't change it!

Beverly: [Subbing for French Class] Bonjour, my little French fries. By the time we're done, you're going to eat snails, not take baths and enjoy the silent art of mime.