Top 20 Quotes From Albert Brooks

Nigel: [quietly] Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop inside my mouth... if you want to live.
Marlin: Hop in your mouth, huh? And how does that make me live?
Seagull: Mine?
Nigel: Because - I can take you to your son.
Marlin: Yeah, right.
Nigel: No, I know your son. He's orange and has a gimpy fin on one side.
Marlin: [shouts and jumps] That's Nemo!

Crush: Dude? Dude? Focus dude... Dude?
[Marlin wakes up]
Crush: Oh, he lives. Hey, dude!
Marlin: Oh... What happened?
Crush: Saw the whole thing, dude. First you were all like "whoa", and we were like "whoa", and you were like "whoa..."
Marlin: What are you talking about?
Crush: You, Mini-Man, takin' on the jellies. You've got serious thrill issues, dude. Awesome.
Marlin: Oh, my stomach. Ohh.
Crush: Oh, man. Hey, no hurling on the shell, dude, ok? Just waxed it.
Marlin: So, Mr. Turtle?
Crush: Whoa, Dude. Mister Turtle is my father. The name's Crush.
Marlin: Crush, really? OK, Crush. I need to get to the East Australian Current. EAC?
Crush: [laughing] Oh, dude. You're ridin' it, dude! Check it out!

Marlin: The water's going down. It's-it's-it's going down!
Dory: Hmm. Are you sure about that?
Marlin: Look! Already it's half-empty.
Dory: Hmm... I'd say it's half-full.
Marlin: Stop that! It's half-empty!

Bob: Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first-timer.
Marlin: Well, you can't hold on to them forever, can you?
Bill: You know I had a tough time when my oldest went out to the drop off.
Marlin: They've just got to grow up som - THE DROP OFF? THEY'RE GOING TO THE DROP OFF? WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? WHY DON'T WE JUST FRY THEM UP NOW AND SERVE THEM WITH CHIPS?
Bob: Hey Marty, calm down.
Marlin: Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy.
Bob: Pony boy?
Bill: You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.
Ted: Pity.

Tiberius: Okay. He's too stupid to talk and too ugly to eat.
Gidget: [screams and tackles Ozone to the ground] I'm done playing nice! Where is Max?
Ozone: What? I-I...
Gidget: [Gidget slaps Ozone] Tell me!
[slaps him again]
Ozone: Well I... I can't.
[gets slapped again]
Ozone: Let me finish.
[and slapped again]
Ozone: Ow! Help me!
[and slapped again]
Gidget: Don't look at him!
[slaps Ozone again]
Gidget: Look at me! Nobody can help you! Where is *Max*?

Marlin: We did it, we did it oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! No eating here tonight, Woo!
Marlin,31216: Eating here tonight!
Dory: No, no, no eating here tonight, you're on a diet!

Doug: [walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator] What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny: Is that her pimp?
Shane: My mom is not a prostitute!
Lenny: Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?
Shane: No!
Lenny: A Costco?
Shane: No!
Lenny: Is she a coke dealer?
Shane: Um... no.
Doug: [walks back into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator] What happened to all the cheese?
Lenny: Weed! Your mother's a weed dealer!
Shane: Give me back her money.

Dory: How about we play a game?
Marlin: All right.
Dory: Okay, I'm thinking of something orange, and it's small...
Marlin: It's me.
Dory: Right!
[Later]
Dory: I'm thinking of something orange and small...
Marlin: Me again.
Dory: All right, Mr. Smartypants...
[Later]
Dory: ... It's orange and small, and has stripes...
Marlin: Me, and the next one - just a guess - me.
Dory: Okay, that's just scary.

Marlin: Dory there's no way out!
[Bruce bangs on the door]
Dory: Hello?
Marlin: Dory, help me find a way out!
Dory: Sorry, can't help you, trying to escape!
Marlin: Dory, what are we going to do?
Dory: Hey look here, "es-ca-pe!" Its funny, it's spelled just like the word escape...

Jacques: [when Bart bumps into him] Be careful!

Music: Listen to how I say this... It's something everybody says, but I say it better than anybody else: How are you?
Pro: Well, I don't...
Music: Shh shh! Don't talk, just listen. You're gonna be a brand. I'm want to tell your stories. Tell me your story. Not the person they see on the court.
Pro: My family didn't have much money. My daddy used to...
Music: That is so relatable. Not to me, I'm rich, but god I always wanted to live in poverty. Now all I ask is 15% of your earnings for life. Not your whole life, after 80 it's all yours. And when you retire, you're going to get a Netflix special. Actually, everybody gets a Netflix special. Why do they even call them that? They should call them Netflix normals. You want a Netflix normal? We'll get it for you. You want the Obamas to produce? You got it. Not Barack or Michelle, that's impossible.
[yelling offscreen]
Music: Check on Malia, please! Malia! No, it's not a country!
Pro: Can I just say...
Music: Shh shh shh shh shh! You don't have to talk, not unless you're getting paid a million dollars a word, and some of those words can be "a" or "the". Listen, never say "won't" again, say "will not", because that's two million dollars. That's a Bentley. Have you ever been interested in a roofing company? You're very tall. You're much closer to rooves than most people. Oh! How 'bout this: I could book you as a freak in a monster movie. Or a dinosaur. You're as big as a small dinosaur. We're trying to develop an animated musical about the dinosaurs that survived the comet. You could play a small dinosaur. You jump out of a tree, you sing a song -- we've already got one written, it's called "I'm Still Here".
[the basketball player walks out]
Music: Am I reaching you? Just sign, already.

Marlin: Hey, Crush! Crush, I forgot! How old are you?
Crush: Hundred and fifty, dude, and still young. Rock on.

Marlin: [Surrounded by jellyfish] This is bad, Dory. Very bad.
Dory: [Bouncing on top of a jellyfish] Hey, watch this. Boing! Boing!...
Marlin: Dory!
Dory: You can't catch me!
Marlin: Dory, don't bounce on the tops! They will... not sting you. The tops don't sting you! That's it!
Dory: Two in a row. Beat that.
Marlin: Dory, listen to me. We're going to play a game.
Dory: A game?
Marlin: Yeah, a game.
Dory: I love games! Pick me!
Marlin: We're gonna race. First one out of the jellyfish wins.
Dory: Out, got it!
Marlin: Rules, rules! You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops...
Dory: Something about tentacles, got it.
Marlin: No, it's not something about them, it's all about them.
Dory: On your mark, get set, go!
Marlin: Wait, Dory!

Crush: Okay. Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique.
Squirt: Good afternoon. We're gonna have a great jump today. Okay, first crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall. There's a screaming bottom curve, so watch out. Remember: rip it, roll it, and punch it.
Marlin: It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it.
[to Squirt]
Marlin: Look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. Say the first thing again.

[Spengler has harnessed the patients at his weight-loss clinic to a chariot]
Tab: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to pull me in this chariot while I whip you and you tell me how you got so fat.
[cracks whip]
Tab: Go!
Kent: I'm Kent Brockman. I gorge on kettle corn between weather and sports.
Tab: We know. Your side-fat is spilling over to Channels 5 and 7. I hope you're getting three paychecks.
[cracks whip]
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I'm just big-boned.
Tab: [cracks whip] No such thing!
Bart: Growth spurt?
Tab: [cracks whip] Doesn't exist!
Bart: This can't be legal!
Tab: [cracks whip] It's legal enough!

Nemo: Hey dad! Maybe when I'm at school, I'll see a shark.
Marlin: I highly doubt it.
Nemo: Have how ever met a shark?
Marlin: No, and I don't plan to.
Nemo: How old are sea turtles?
Marlin: Sea turtles? I don't know.
Nemo: Sandy Plankton from next door, he says they live to be a hundred years old.
Marlin: Well, if I ever meet a sea turtle I'll ask him, right after I'm done talking to the shark.

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

[after whale blows Marlin and Dory out]
Marlin: THAAAANKKK YOUUUUU SIRRRRRRR.
Dory: Wow. I wish I could speak whale...

Marlin: What did it say? What did the mask say?
Dory: P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
[gasps]
Dory: I remembered what it said! I usually forget things, but I remembered it that time! P. Sherman, 4...
Marlin: Wait! What does that mean?
Dory: I don't know. But who cares! Ha ha! I remembered! P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney. I remembered it again!

Marlin: There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...
[sees the mask]
Marlin: Nemo!
Chum: [laughing] Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo... I don't get it.
Bruce: For a clown fish, he's not that funny.