Top 50 Quotes From Kent Brockman

[Spengler has harnessed the patients at his weight-loss clinic to a chariot]
Tab: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to pull me in this chariot while I whip you and you tell me how you got so fat.
[cracks whip]
Tab: Go!
Kent: I'm Kent Brockman. I gorge on kettle corn between weather and sports.
Tab: We know. Your side-fat is spilling over to Channels 5 and 7. I hope you're getting three paychecks.
[cracks whip]
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I'm just big-boned.
Tab: [cracks whip] No such thing!
Bart: Growth spurt?
Tab: [cracks whip] Doesn't exist!
Bart: This can't be legal!
Tab: [cracks whip] It's legal enough!

Chief: Listen to me lady; the only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.
Lou: What about a hot air balloon?
Chief: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.

Kent: Coming up next, what your dog can tell you about your prostate.

Seymour: [singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never start.
Groundskeeper: I'm so drunk, I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hay.
Bart: Lisa is a fool.
Seymour: I think the rules are cool.
Groundskeeper: I've fallen in the pool!

Kent: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.

Homer: You rich snobs aren't pushing us around anymore!
Kent: And what are you pathetic slobs going to do about it?
Homer: Well, I...
[trying to detonate his dynamite vest, nothing happens]
Homer: Huh?
[trying a few more times]
Homer: Oh, nice wiring, Bart.
Bart: It worked on the test corpse.
Homer: Okay, plan B. Fellow 939-ers, I saw we break off and form our own city!
Bumblebee: [with a cheer, they follow Homer out] Viva la revolucion!
Homer: Now who's stupid?

Kent: So. you're guaranteeing it's safe to eat Ogdenville barley once more?
Ogdenville: Well, where there's barley, there's rats, you know? Now, when will you be starting the interview?
Kent: That just went out live.
Ogdenville: Well, then we're screwed.

Kent: Goodbye, Lisa. We'll miss you.
Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's gone! And nothing will bring her back!
Homer: [maliciously] Unless...
Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead.
Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive!
Homer: [maliciously] Unless...

[the residents of Old Springfield discover gold in the river after Homer turns off the dam]
Kent: Thanks, Mayor Simpson! From now on, we'll all be taking golden showers.
[muffled laughter is heard in the background]
Kent: What?

Kent: [talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah?" and "Comere a minute."
Homer: [watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, comere a minute.
Bart: You comere a minute.
Homer: Oh, yeah?

Kent: [opening line] The queen will be held without bail until the samples are returned.

Kent: [from a TV broadcast] Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
Bart: Wooh! Springfield rocks!
Kent: [from a TV broadcast] Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

Kent: [running commentary on the marathon] Well, hold the phone, Dora. A new challenger has emerged out of nowhere. He's running on sheer pluck, moxie, and grit, all of which he'll be tested for after the race.

Kent: [as a kid inside a locker room] Mr. Mouse how come you haven't been in any funny cartoons since 1933?
Mr. Mouse: [takes off his head revealing to be a creepy looking man] I'm on a break kid. And when I'm on a break the mouse is dead.

Kent: Reporters used to expose corruption and corporate greed. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle at the teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper called the six-o'clock news.

Kent: As expected, New Springfield's bold experiment in slob rule is a disaster.
Homer: Hey, the TV man is talking about us!
Kent: A study shows their crumbling economy is due to their lazy attitude and shoddy work.
Homer: How the hell did they find that out?

Kent: [reporting on the student strike] The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.
Bart: [outside the school] Lisa is a nut/She has a rubber butt/Every time she turns around, it goes "putt-putt".
Kent: [back in the studio] Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.
Chalmers: [turning a TV off] Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.
Principal: Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?
Groundskeeper: They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself.
Principal: Well, that's a good idea, too.
Groundskeeper: See, here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.
Chalmers: Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.
Principal: You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.
Chalmers: Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.

Kent: A Hollywood ending, but Hollywood doesn't write endings anymore, they just tease the sequels.

Kent: Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat. And it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way girls, he's single!
Selma: Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.

Kent: A philantropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns' grave.

Kent: The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Kent: Now, Reverend Simpson...
Homer: Please, Kent, call me your Your Holiness.

Kent: This town has been hit by a plague... a blue bonnet plague. Easter time is here, and everyone is dressed up to celebrate the resurrection of...
[Looks at notes]
Kent: ... Jesus Christ.

Homer: I'd like to cash in these chips. Give me most of it in cash and the rest in suitcases to carry the cash.
Martin: Sir, this casino is for charity. These chips are only redeemable in cafeteria scrip or a day at the ballpark with Groundskeeper Willie.
Groundskeeper: I'll be bringin' sparkplugs to chuck at people I don't like, like you!
Homer: But I'm up $200,000!
[grabbing Martin]
Homer: Give me my money! You think I won't manhandle a little boy?
Martin: You don't understand; it's not real money! None of these people have won any money!
[to the shocked people]
Martin: Didn't anyone read the flyer? It was sent home last Tuesday.
[the people begin rioting and overturning the game tables]
Lenny: [pushing a slot machine] Look at me! I'm a big man!
[it falls on top of him]
Lenny: But I break... just like a little girl.

Kent: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Kent: It's blob rule in the streets of Springfield, and if that weren't bad enough, we're also being attack by a 50-foot Lenny.
Lenny: Homer gets more attention than me.
Carl: [unseen] I still like you.
Lenny: Thanks, invisible Carl.

Kent: Our top story, today Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun. A solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it. We recommend using a homemade camera obscura, fashioned from an ordinary shoebox and paper towel tube.
Kent: [pulls out a shoebox with tape and paper towel tubes] This was supposed to be pre-made. Fine I'll do it myself.
Kent: [trying to peel the tape back] Where's the end of the freakin' tape?
Kent: [throws the shoebox and tape] Forget it, we'll do it next week!
Producer: The eclipse is today.
Kent: There's an eclipse when I SAY THERE'S AN ECLIPSE!

Kent: Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?
Comic: No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

Kent: [grim] ... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
[brightens]
Kent: On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Kent: This school is more corrupt than the ltalian parliament. If these children are our future, then I, for one, do not want to live.

Kent: A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree.
Moe: I'll take that. The tree is a fraud!
[Sees bill]
Moe: I just got a hundred bucks! The tree is real!

Kent: Springfield has risen from the ashes like a phoenix. That's phoenix the mythical bird, and not Phoenix the cultureless Mars-scape of the southwest.

Kent: This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It's your turn for sure!

Kent: [after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic] Where did you get that statistic?
Michael: Your Mother!

Kent: So, Chief, what's your final word on the Prince boy?
Chief: Oh, dead. Definitely dead.
Lou: Uh, Chief, aren't we supposed to notify the family first?
Chief: What do you think I'm doing right now?

Kent: This is Kent Brockman live at Duff Beer-Krustyburger-Buzz Cola-Costington's Department Store-Kwik-E-Mart-Stupid Flanders Park. In just one hour the commissioner of football will arrive to sign the contracts necessary to make Springfield the home of pro football's newest team, The Meltdowns!
Carl: I've got Melt Mania!
Lenny: I've got Down Syndrome!

Mr. Burns: I don't understand it. I turned around and she was gone, along with my virile younger friend.
Kent: Well, according to our poll 49% of the viewers think "he's too old", while 51% think "she's a skank".

Kent: Earlier in this broadcast, I said a word so vile it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting in the toilet.

Kent: [to Homer] Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts?
Homer: Uh-huh, it's a great team, Kent. We never gave up hope. I wanna thank Jesus and say hi to my special lady, Marge. We did it, baby! Whoo! Whooooo!
Kent: The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team. Even if they lose this ga...
Homer: They lost? Those losers!
Kent: No, no, no, the game's not over.
Homer: Whoo! Not over! Whoo!
Kent: There you have it: whoo.

Kent: Tonight on Smartline, our report from the Middle East will not be seen, so that we may bring you a man who bought an ice cream cone.
Homer: That's me.
Kent: Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that the ice cream parlor and this station are owned by the same company, but I digress.

Kent: [Doing a live newscast] How can I prove that we're live? Penis.

Kent: Ralph, both parties want to offer you their nomination. Whom do you like?
Chief: Go ahead, Ralphie. You're invited to two parties: One with a donkey and one with an elephant. Who do you like?
Ralph: ...Elmo?
Kent: Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt, Richard Nixon's chief of naval operations. So, Ralph's a Republican!

Kent: Turning to the stock market, Animotion is up an eighth...
Homer: Yes!
Kent: ...after plunging 75 points this morning.
Homer: [worried] Oh, I hope "plunging" means up and 75 means 200.
Kent: The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's only stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Homer: [groaning] Ohhh!

[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]
Arnie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love...
Kent: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.

Principal: The things you don't know could fill a week's worth of morning announcements with enough leftover for a send-home flyer!
Superintendent: There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.

Kent: Captured 60s radical Mona J. Simpson goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the Montgomery Burns germ warfare lab. For those of you too young to remember the 60's, here's our stock montage.
[as promised, scenes of peace rally/Vietnam protest, Nixon, the moon landing, Woodstock etc]
Kent: What a shrill, pointless decade.

Kent: Our top story, today Springfield will experience a rare total eclipse of the sun. A solar eclipse is like a woman breastfeeding in a restaurant. It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

Bart: Full speed ahead. Dam the torpedos.
Abe: What did he say? Put on our tuxedos?
Crazy: I want some Taquitos.

Kent: The explosion released enough radiation to create 17 Hulks and one Spider-Man, according to this artist rendering.
[Shows picture of the Hulks playing baseball with Spider-Man as pitcher]
Kent: Truly disturbing.

Kent: Police say escaped mental patient Marge Simpson could be anywhere, even here at Juggernauts, where it's wet t-shirt month.
[the waitresses around him cheer]
Kent: But for now, this reporter prays that "Mad Marge" can be captured before she kills again.
Bart: [watching on TV] Kills again? She hasn't killed once.
Lisa: Shouldn't we be out there trying to find her?
Homer: Don't worry, she'll show up here sooner or later to finish off Becky. Then we'll have Mommy back.