Top 30 Quotes From Andy Botwin

Silas: [while arguing whether or not to mercy-kill Bubby] Yeah, sure. Death is no big deal. Because life is just... blah, blah, blah.
Andy: Look, Silas. Life is just blah, blah, blah. You hope for Blah, and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blahs you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah damn thing figured out, and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up. And blah, blah, blah.
Silas: [sighs] Alright. Let's do this.
Shane: [to Andy] That was good.
Andy: I have my moments.

Nancy: Is he gonna be okay?
Dr. Bertner: Is he a dancer, professional athlete or foot model?
Nancy: None of the above.
Dr. Bertner: He should lead a normal life.
Nancy: Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Dr. Bertner: You know, if you'd brought in the toes, we might have been able to reattach them.
Andy: [on morphine] Must find toes.
Nancy: Oh, Conrad, well - where are the toes?
Conrad: The dog ate 'em.
Nancy: The dog ate 'em.
Dr. Bertner: Well that's that.
Nancy: When's he gonna be able to go home?
Dr. Bertner: He have insurance?
Nancy: Oh, no.
Dr. Bertner: He can go home now.

Andy: I win shit all the time. It's in the bag.

Skating: If you can catch me, you can fuck me.
Andy: Yeah, I'll get my skates.

Andy: Bro five. What up. L'chaim.
Hooman Jaka: What?
Andy: Nothing. I forgot where I was for a second.

Nancy: The boys asleep?
Andy: Yeah. And it's totally freaking me out. Shane's sleeping on my old Star Wars sheets. Silas found one of Judah's Playboys from 1979 under the mattress. Candy Loving on the cover, Dorothy Stratten centerfold. It's beautiful. I'm having jerk-off flashbacks. My old stains... are still on the wall.
Nancy: My children are sleeping next to their unborn cousins. I'm thrilled.

Andy: [steps out of the line] Ah... Sergeant Bilko? Hi, I'm in the wrong place. The promised me a desk j...
Sergeant: Who the hell gave you the permission to break rank, you flaccid little dick?
Andy: Yeah, I just want to make sure...
Sergeant: They promise everybody a desk job, you useless twat!
Andy: Yeah... I have eight toes...
Sergeant: I got four dicks! You better fall back in line before I use one of them to fuck you up the ass with!

Nancy: Andy, today, it was brought to my attention today that the downside of this business is death, so right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery. I'm thinking about enrolling in dental hygeine school so my children aren't orphans.
Andy: If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.
Nancy: [laughs] Now I pledge *never* to die.

Nancy: Talk to Shane about jerking off.
Andy: I'm all over it!

Andy: Hey, Pants.
Nancy: Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl.

Andy: [Andy tries to kiss her, she pulls back] Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were hitting it off.
Yael: We are.
Andy: [Andy tries to kiss her again, she pulls back] Oh, I'm sorry. It's too soon since your lover died?
Yael: No, I've been with many men. Helps to get over things.
Andy: Good.
[Tries to kiss her again, again she withdraws]
Andy: Am I getting mixed messages here?
Yael: Look. You're adorable, but I'm not attracted to you. Sorry.
Andy: Are you a chubby chaser or something?
Yael: No, just I like men. Someone big and strong. Someone who can grow a beard. You're pretty, and I could flip you like a pancake. You ask for permission instead of just slamming me up against a wall and f**king me until I come like a volcano. But we can still be friends, right?

Andy: [Outgoing voicemail message] Hello phone caller, this Andrew, Andrew Botwin. It pains me we couldn't make this instant human connection. Leave a message and while you do it, imagine me listening to it, where I might be at the time, what I might be wearing.
Nancy: [Leaving message] Andy, this is me. Got a little delayed. I'm on my way now. Thinking you probably don't have cell reception where you are, so you probably won't hear this before I reach you. But it's making me feel better and preventing me from killing Celia at the moment. Oh, yes, I forgot to open with that. Celia Hodes is sitting next to me in the car, all the way from Agrestic. How did she get here? I don't know, but when I hear the unbelievably stupid reason that comes out of her mouth, I'm going to fucking kill her!... So, there may be a dead body in the car when I get there; that's just a heads up. I'll be there soon. Oh, and your outgoing message is creepy; please change it.
[Hangs up]

Nancy: Wash your hands. All I need now is for the boys to eat heroin eggs for breakfast.
Andy: Right. 'Cause then they'd want them every day.

Andy: Hey, I know all the best rehabs. I'm totally addicted to that show Intervention.

Andy: Things with wifey slowing down, huh?
Doug: It used to be wild, I mean intense. But how do you ask the woman who makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass?
[short pause]
Doug: How Andy, how?
Andy: [cowering] I don't like this game anymore.

Andy: Look kids, Chris is risen!

Andy: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.

Andy: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me!
Nancy: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail!
Ms. Greenstein : Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Emma: [Andy is holding Emma at nailgun point, making her get into his van. Emma thinks is ridiculous, but gets in the van anyway] It's not like you are going to do anything anyway. Not in broad daylight.
Andy: [Andy smashed the door hard after her, stars yelling out loud to the people on the street] Hey, I'm murdering somebody! Killing them. It's bad. Bloody. Does anybody care? No? Living your myopic lives? Okay, cool.
[People don't even look at them]
Andy: [Turns to Emma, siting on the van] See, nobody's pressing pause on their iPod for you.

Andy: Do you think there is rat spit in here? Like plague rat spit. Are we smoking plague?
Doug: No, no, fire beats plague. As soon as we lit it up it was safe, sterilized.

Nancy: It's so wonderful wonderful.
Andy: What?
Nancy: You once said that to me.

Andy: [stoned] I'm glad that our last name isn't Drew 'cause then you'd be Nancy Drew and I'd be Andrew Drew.

[Andy is speaking to Shane about masturbation...]
Andy: All right, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. HAHAHAHAHA!
[Shane stares blankly]
Andy: Your little body's changing, and it's all good, believe me. Problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted, sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So, first order of business: no more socks. They're expensive... gumming up the works, plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, 'But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?' Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin' the tiger in the shower each morning. That eliminates the need for a goo glove. But the day is long, masturbation's fun... so unless we wanna take four or five showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's start with the basics. Tissues: perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention they can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' Band-Aid. Ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flak-catchers. Specifically bananas. Step one, peel the banana. Step two, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave - not TOO hot... serious yowza. Also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance... invest in some soon. All right, moving on... when you tug your Thomas on the toilet,
[spitting sound]
Andy: shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the Raised Sceptre of Love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function... also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right, class dismissed.
[Shane starts to leave]
Andy: Hey...
[Shane stops, and Andy tosses him a banana]
Andy: Homework.

Andy: [getting a phone call from Celia's kidnapper] Hello?... Yeah, I know Celia... We're all gonna die. What does that mean anyway? Life is cheap, people die, and people have babies... Everyday they're having babies! What's with that, Kidnapper man? I mean, women in their forty's are having babies. Doesn't that seem weird to you?... What? No, I'm not gonna pay the ransom... Hello?... Rude.

Andy: You're a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut.

Andy: It is a shockingly common occurrence in my life that women are gifted unto me, seemingly, with very little effort on my part, and at a certain point after the ludicrous bounty, you have to finally wonder why? Is it because I'm so just baseline physically attractive? Debatable. More likely it's cause is this: karma. I motherfuckin' earned it. I was the fecal molecule of a maggot 50 lives ago, 49 lives ago a parasite on a sea cucumber, worked my way up from there paying my reincarnitory dues--coral, an ear wig, a sewer rat, a grackle, ginny foul, clown fish, ocelot, eventually vaulting up the evolutionary chain to dog, but like a shitty small dog, failed immediately by PARVO or K-9 SIDS, monkey, monkey down to otter, monkey, chimp, and then finally human, *but*, oops, *fuck*, I'm a child sex slave and I live in a whale. But, in all these incarnations, I was good and kind and humble and accepted my fate patiently. So, thus, after an endless series of short, oft brutal lives... I was finally, finally,*finally* born as me... Andrew Botwinm effortless receiver of tail. It's just a theory, of course, but if it's not biology and it's not karma, then there is a puppet master out there who enjoys watching me get my freak on, and that would mean God basically, and I would have to rethink, well, everything.

Nancy: [On the phone with Andy] Do we have our passports?
Andy: Uuuuh, slight bend in that river.
Nancy: What? Do we need more money?
Andy: No, we need Shane.
Nancy: What?
Andy: We have to kill somebody.

Silas: [reading a t-shirt] "Chris died for your sins." Is that a joke?
Andy: Yeah, on me. That's what happens when you outsource to fucking Malaysia. 8-year-olds in a sweat shop can't spell for shit.

Andy: It's fine. I've seen that show Life After People. This will all be reclaimed by the Earth soon enough. All swap and moss, weird-looking birds.

Andy: No, go to her. Don't end up dead and alone like I am.