The Best Alice Beeker Quotes

Alice: [In the cafeteria] We can save time by filling out this questionnaire here. So you can make your first deposit tonight.
Dan: It'll be my pleasure.
[laughs]
Alice: [Not impressed] All finished?
Dan: Yeah.
Alice: Fine. Now... have you ever donated before?
Nostradamus: Yes, he gave at the office.
[laughs]
Nostradamus: I'm never gonna get through this.
[stands up and walks away]
Dan: No, I haven't.
Alice: Have you ever had a semen analysis?
Dan: You mean by a professional? Negative on that too, babe.
Alice: Now... let's get into your underwear. What kind do you wear?
Dan: [Everyone in the cafeteria looks at Dan then Dan looks at everyone] Men's! Uh, look, Miss Beeker is all of this necessary, all of this here?
Alice: I'm afraid so, Mr. Fielding. In fact, it gets even more personal. You see, we have to delve into every aspect and detail of your sex live as part of the screening process.
Dan: You really enjoy your work, don't you?
Alice: Immensely.

Alice: Interested in becoming a donor?
Dan: No, my motto is "Love the one you're with unless it's a jar."
Alice: Are you sure?
Dan: Lady, why would anyone degrade themselves like that?
Alice: For a hundred bucks a throw. Two or three times a week.
Dan: [Calculates in his head] That's twelve hundred a month. I could defile myself into a Porsche by the end of the year.
Alice: Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Dan: [Enters courtroom angrily at Miss Beeker] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
Alice: Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
Dan: Not to me, it doesn't!
Christine: Dan, what happened?
Dan: They rejected me.
Alice: Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine: They rejected you? Why?
Alice: His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine: [fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
Dan: That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Nostradamus: [excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria!
[runs out of the courtroom]
Harry: Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
Alice: Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
Harry: Which are?
Alice: Sixty million per cc.
Dan: I demand a recount!
Alice: You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
Dan: [hesitates a few seconds] What time is it now?
Alice: It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Harry: From sex?
Christine: Dan?
Court: I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Alice: Mr. Fielding?
Dan: Well, if it isn't the Mistress of the Mason Jar. I said I'd be down there in the morning.
Alice: That's why I stopped by. It won't be necessary.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Alice: Turns out, we made a mistake.
Dan: Huh!
Alice: It was a new man in the analysis section. He mixed up you test results with those of another person.
Dan: So what you're saying is...
Alice: Your sperm is just dandy. Bye.
Dan: Just like that? Wham, bam, thank you, Dan?