1000 Best CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

Gil: I've enjoyed working with you.
Catherine: Which part? The part where I got in your face or the part where I, uh, lost evidence, or, uh, maybe you just missed me?
Gil: I did miss you. I missed your passion and your tenacity. I even missed your tush.

Marla: [to Greg] Taking one of my boys wasn't good enough for you, was it? Now you've got to take both? What did we ever do to you?
Greg: Mrs. James, I don't have anything against you or your family.
Marla: Then what is it? Is it about the money? Then take it! I just want my boy back!
Sara: Mrs. James, you need to calm down...
Marla: [to Sara] I'm not talking to you!
Sara: Well, you're going to get yourself into trouble here.
Officer: [to Marla] Ma'am, you're going to have to leave.
Marla: [scoffs] Protecting the nice white boy from the mean black lady.
[the officer leads Marla back out to reception]
Marla: You've got to help me. You owe me. You owe me!
Greg: [the officer escorts Marla back to reception; Greg turns the hallway and follows her] What do I owe you?
Marla: Yeah, like you don't know.
Greg: I'll tell you what I know: I know that Demetrius was a killer. And Aaron... Aaron made the decision to hang out with Drops. He made the decision to do drugs, and to bring that girl into the limo. That's not on me. It's on him and you.
Marla: [turns and looks at Greg] Aaron is all I have left.
[turns and walks away]

Catherine: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?
Gil: Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.
Catherine: My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.
Gil: You don't have a personal life?
Catherine: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.
Gil: How can I help?
[Her eyes widen]
Gil: You. Advance, I mean.

Greg: I got your text
Detective: I got your suspect. I don't think he's gonna be talking much.

Sara: Either our ghost can fly...
D.B. Russell: or there are two people in that room!

Greg: This neighborhood rains lead.
Gil: Yeah, and we have to process every last drop of it.
Greg: We're going to make Bobby Dawson's boat payment this month.

Warrick: How do you want us to handle this?
Gil: Same way you'd eat an elephant... one bite at a time.

Gil: [to Warrick] What do you weigh?
Warrick: Uh, that's between me and my trainer.
Gil: Do I have to get a scale?
Warrick: A buck 95, give or take a doughnut.
[Grissom turns to Sara]
Sara: Don't even ask, I'm not telling you.
Gil: Warrick, would you lie down on the floor.
Warrick: I don't get paid enough to play dead.
Gil: Please?
[Warrick gets on the floor]

Archie: It's an airline boarding pass. Last night, Vegas to Philadelphia, and then to Rome and Sardina. Two passengers, Nanci McGonigle and Vincent Pullone
Nick: Vincent Pullone was the vic's real name, and here after the crime scene, and Nanci MacGonigle's car...
Archie: According to the airline global distribution system, she boarded the flight, he didn't
Nick: He was busy being dead

Rod: [to Catherine] Let me tell you something. For every piece of meat, there has to be a butcher.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: So you led her to the slaughter?

Sara: [walks in to see Hodges looking at the mirror and fixing his hair] Hey there, Gorgeous.

Gil: [to a waiter] Excuse me, do you recognize this ear?

Dr. Al Robbins: You know, sometimes I'm glad I only deal with dead people.

[Sofia thinks aloud]
Gil: She talks to herself.
Captain: It works for me.

[after a huge argument]
Gil: Look, could we have a truce?
Catherine: I would love to.

Male: I'm not sure I can do this.
Gil: Well, not everyone can.
Smart: Why do you do it?
Gil: Because the dead can't speak for themselves.

UnderSheriff: What are you doing?
Gil: Circling blowflies.
UnderSheriff: Why?
Gil: 'Cause dead flies tell no lies.

Greg: Sara, I just want you to know that when we were in the shower together, I didn't see anything.
Sara: Really? Gosh, I saw everything...

Officer: Anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled and found this.
[shows some insides in a bloody puddle]
Nick: Hm. Tasty.

David: He's dead, Jim.

Gil: I'm the only one Heather trusts.
Sara: I get it.
Gil: Sara.
Sara: [Grissom can't think of what to say] It's fine. Do what you need to do.

Captain: Tom's best friend, Ray, he's coming in tonight. Volunteering to give a blood sample.
Gil: He knows his blood's not on those sheets. They're trying to choke us with evidence.
Captain: He also lawyered up. Guess who's paying the legal bills?
Gil: The movie star.
Captain: Legalized hush money. Ought to be a law against it.

Dr. Al Robbins: There's evidence of sexual activity in every orifice, including his ears.
Catherine: You joking?
Dr. Al Robbins: No. We've got pubic hairs, vaginal secretions.
Catherine: Maybe he suffocated during oral sex.

D.B. Russell: This woman worked at Bonham Reality?
Morgan: No, actually she worked at another fine Vegas establishment: the Cathedral Strip Club. She's a featured dancer
D.B. Russell: Miss Reindeer. Wow, that's quite an honor!
Morgan: According to her bio she beat out seven other strippers for the rack... antlers... crown
D.B. Russell: I got it

Gil: Abigail, I'm sure if there is something out there, looking down on us from somewhere else in the universe, they're wise enough to stay away from us.

Sara: [Grissom gave her a strange look] What?
Gil: I haven't seen you in a while, have I?
Sara: You see me every day.
[smiles and walks away]

Catherine: What are you thinking?
Gil: Led Zeppelin.
[pause. Grissom glances up the stairs]
Gil: Stairway to Heaven.

Warrick: [on picking up the victims purse] This things heavier than my kit. Ever get hit in the head with one of these?
Nick: No, gentlemen don't get hit in the head with those.

Jim: [When a woman is found dead in a church] Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get her up there.
Gil: Why? I wonder. Somebody had a grudge against the church or somebody in the church.
Jim: Or maybe they were just mad at God.

Nick: Come for the wedding, stay for the funeral.

Sheriff: [Grissom has realized that a murder that took place back in the 1958 at the same casino where a murder took place in present day led to the arrest of an innocent man who died in prison] Wilson signed a confession.
Gil: Yeah, but they say some of you guys used to drive suspects out in to the desert, show 'em a hole in the ground and give 'em a choice of either signing a confession or getting in the hole.
Sheriff: We got a good clean print.
Gil: The file says that you lifted the print from Rosethal's alligator wallet. Now I examined it. Alligator skin would've left voids.
Sheriff: Y'know, in the old days, criminals used to be afraid of us. Now it's the other way around.
Gil: [holds out a photo] Does he look familiar to you? He's been squatting at the Chateau Rouge. I ran his prints against the unidentified from the scene in '58. This man was all over the place.
Sheriff: All the crime that's goin' on in Vegas these days, you got time to poke around in my old cases? Good to see you, son. Thanks for the drink.
[Leaves the scene]

Officer: My money's on meth lab.
Sara: You know, Metcalf, just because somebody lives in a trailer park, doesn't mean they're a meth cook.
Officer: You guys are a real pain in the ass, you know that?
Gil: Get used to it, pal.

Gil: We have one too many Bibles.
Catherine: I don't think they helped.

[to Greg, referring to his first autopsy]
Sara: So I heard you lost your virginity.

Lawyer: You took your clothes off for a living?
Catherine: For a VERY good living.

[describing the man who asked him to hold up cue cards in front of an ATM machine]
Bum: And when he talked, he spoke with a...
Gil: Stutter.
Bum: Yeah!
Gil: Paul Millander.

Nick: Ma'am, I'm gonna need to get your prints, too.
Cody: I don't like where this is going.
Captain: It's going downtown.

Nick: Hypertrix? Sounds like a breakfast cereal.

Horatio: Tick tock, Dennis. While you're waiting to get your ducks in a row, the guy with the Miami link just slipped through my hands.
Special: Horatio, I didn't have federal approval...
Horatio: I need answers for this little girl. Her father's just been killed, maybe her mother, too. And that's your fault. You understand that.
Special: It sounds like you're making this personal.
Horatio: Dennis, you don't give me this link, I will make this *very* personal.

Drops: [to Nick] Now, come on, Crime Lab, I thought we was old buddies.
Nick: The only thing we have in common, Kellen, are the dead bodies that seem to keep piling up around you.

Catherine: My name's Catherine. What is your name again?
Jessica: Jessica Rachel Trent. I'm 8 and a half.
Catherine: Oh, 8 and a half. So, I bet you're in the third grade?
Jessica: Yeah. My teacher's Mrs. Armstrong. She's really nice. Except I hate multiplication especially the eights.
Catherine: You know, I have a daughter. She hates the eights. too.

Hodges: [looking for some recognition] Thank you, Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree.

Lady: I don't know what you're fighting, Doctor, but it looks like you're about to be overrun. Nate Haskell... is an enemy. A formidable enemy, but... he's not *the* enemy is he?
Dr. Raymond Langston: [sighs] When I went for my interview at med school, the first question they ask you quite naturally is, "Why do you wanna be a doctor?". Well I can't remember the answer I prepared but I remember the one I gave; I told him, if I'm helping people... I'm not hurting them. The guy stared at me for what seemed like a lifetime, then he burst out laughing. So I started laughing. And within a half an hour I'd secured myself place in medical school.
Lady: You had answered truthfully.
Dr. Raymond Langston: There's violence in me. In my blood, sometimes I can taste it.
Lady: But as long as you keep a lid on it...
Dr. Raymond Langston: - DNA is not destiny, that's what I've always told myself.
Lady: I can't answer your question.
Dr. Raymond Langston: I didn't ask you a question.
Lady: Sure you did. Why else did you come here? Tell me that story? Doctor you want legitimacy. You want to know that it's OK to lose the muzzle for a while. I can say this. The good Dr Langston isn't going to catch Nate Haskell.
Dr. Raymond Langston: If I give in to my nature... I won't catch him. I will kill him.
Lady: Yes you will.
Dr. Raymond Langston: What becomes of me then?

Greg: I did meet a guy named "The Goat", who says he'll eat anything for a dollar.
Sara: He have a pierced ear?
Greg: Yeah.
Sara: I had to get evidence OUT of him once.

Gil: Men are never as mysterious as women wish they were.

[Nick turns the tape recorder on]
Walter: [taunting] Hi, CSI guy. You're wondering why you're here? Because you followed the evidence. Because that's what CSIs do. So, breathe quick, breathe slow. Put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Any way you like, you're gonna die here.

Mr. Baird: Two people confessed to the murder, and now you're accusing my son?
Sofia: Kids do stupid things. Marlon covers for Hannah, Hannah covers for Scott.

Greg: Ah, a sex journal. Lists of girls, dates and sexual activies.
Sara: Boys and their conquests.
Greg: I've never even heard of some of these.
Sara: [Surprised] Really?
Greg: Never mind.

Captain: That was some bad seed in that petri dish.

Dr. Al Robbins: You don't wear LaPerla to a tupperware party.
Gil: LaPerla?
Dr. Al Robbins: Very expensive. I gave some to my wife once. She accused me of having an affair.

Catherine: [to Grissom] I should've told you, but I didn't want a sermon. I did my own rape kit. Came back negative.
Gil: Thank God. These events have to be connected. We'll check your old cases for possible suspects. I'll ask Ecklie if he can kick in some help from day shift.
Catherine: I appreciate that.
Gil: You've got to stay at arm's length, Catherine.
Catherine: I... I know.

Sara: [standing in Grissom's office doorway] I hear we're out of suspects.
Gil: Not necessarily. Could be in town. Could be out of town. I'll work on it.

Sofia: It's OK I am wearing underwear. As far as you know.
Gil: Oh.

Catherine: [after Grissom pulls the 4x4 to the road side during her training run] 20 C.S.I.s, 200 runners...
Gil: Don't blame me. Blame him
[Shines his torch onto a corpse by the side of the road]

[Beeper goes off; Catherine calls in]
Jerrod: Hello?
Catherine: Oh, hey.
Jerrod: Who's this? I just dialed my own damn beeper.
Catherine: It's my beeper now. I found it.
Jerrod: It ain't your beeper, girl. That's my beeper. I do a lot of business on that beeper.
Catherine: What kinda business?
Jerrod: Oh, you know. Slangin' a little somethin' somethin'.
Catherine: Oh, a little somethin' something'. Maybe a little bling-bling?
Jerrod: What do you know about some bling-bling?
Catherine: Invite me over to your crib, baby, and you might find out.
Jerrod: It's on. Three Aces Motel. Room 202.
Catherine: Three Aces Motel, room 202. See you soon.
[she hangs up, and looks at Sara who was listening]
Catherine: Did I just do that?
Sara: What's a "bling bling"?
Catherine: Got me.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [as Catherine visits Melissa/Tammy in jail] Thank you. I got a call that Melissa wanted to see me.
Tammy: Thanks for coming.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Am I speaking to Melissa or Tammy?
Tammy: Melissa. I know who I am now after spending time with my real parents.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [shakes her head] I'm not an attorney. There are no privileges here. Whatever you say...
Tammy: [interrupts her] What are my chances... . in court?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: The evidence is damaging.
Tammy: If I plead insanity...?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: You have a lawyer. Why are you asking me?
Tammy: You wanted to help me. When I I.D.'d Joe, you were kind. I need you to testify that I was not sane at the time that I killed Joe. My lawyer says that would go a really long way with a jury.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [shakes her head] I'm not an expert.
Tammy: But it doesn't matter. You spent time with me. You could answer questions the right way. I can't explain what happened in that room today, but it's like... the only memories I have are of being a little kid. The last 21 years are blank, like they never happened.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Then you shouldn't have any memories of me... . Tammy. There is no Melissa, is there?
Tammy: Get the hell out of here.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: I'm gone.
[turns to leave]
Tammy: [in a little girl voice] Don't go!
[Catherine stops to look at her]
Tammy: Don't leave me here with her.
[in her normal voice]
Tammy: Just practicing for court. Not bad, huh?

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: [Sara and Warrick are examining the "Chamber of Doom" in which a lady disappeared] Is this processed yet?
Warrick: Yeah. Want me to bag it for you?
Sara: Let's take it back to the lab. Maybe we can make Greg disappear.

Walt: That's the thing about my father - he could never give advice but he had a million stories. "Scorpion and the Frog."
Walt: [in a jail cell talking to Brass and Grissom]
Walt: Scorpion needed to get across the creek and asked the frog for a ride. Frog says, "I can't trust you, you're a scorpion." Scorpion says, "Sure you can." Hops on the frog's back. Midway across, the scorpion stings the frog. Frog looks at him. "Why would you do that? Now we're both gonna die." Scorpion says..."I can't help it. I'm a scorpion."

Matt: I thought I was making a difference.
Warrick: You are making a difference. I'm living proof.

Sage: [to Nick] Do you believe in past lives?
Nick: No.
Sage: Why not?
Nick: I guess I'm just trying to make it through this one.
Sage: I think you're doing pretty well.
[Nick smiles]

Heidi: I'm a professional gambler, probably the only one in Vegas to declare every dollar. You can check my tax returns.
Captain: We checked the hotel sheets.
Heidi: We had sex. Is that against the law? No.
Captain: No.
Heidi: We spent some money shooting pool. Is that against the law? No.
Captain: You gave him drugs. Is that against the law? Yeah.

Catherine: [to Greg] So you did the tox screen on my carny?
Greg: Roger that. You know, I have seen guys drink, like, 5 gallons of water to try and dilute their urine. It's the old straight flush. But all bad boy Sanders has to do is just test their specific gravity and... blammo! I can still catch their toxic butts.

Gil: Nick, give me that apple.
Nick: [looks at the apple he's been eating] But I didn't get any lunch...
Gil: You're not supposed to be eating in here so give it.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: These strands are smooth, not chords, they're human
Sara: Are their root intact?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Yeah. Evidently the guy was shedding

Sasha: My mommy and daddy are dead, aren't they?
Horatio: Well, your aunt is flying in to talk to you.
Sasha: That's a yes.
Horatio: I lost someone once.
Sasha: Who?
Horatio: Well...
Sasha: Did you feel sick?
Horatio: Still do. Still do. Sasha, people are gonna say a lot of things about your mom and dad, and some of them are gonna be true, but what I want you to remember is that they fought like heroes for you. Will you remember that for me?

Drops: [When Drops is released from jail for 48 hours and he sees Brass and Nick] Look who it is. Mom and Dad. One big happy family, huh?
Jim: Yeah, sort of. Get in the car.
[Drops gets inside the car and Brass shuts the door]
Jim: I got a feeling I'm going to regret this.
Nick: I already do.

Lieutenant: [into his radio] Dave, drop your donut! You're gonna be earning your pay today.

Catherine: Wake up and smell the species.

Gil: [to Sybil] Did you injure yourself, Mrs. Perez?
Sybil: [looks down and sees a bloodstain on her shirt] Oh, a nosebleed.
Gil: That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.
Sybil: Why?
Gil: If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.
Sybil: You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?
Gil: I'm just collecting evidence.
Sybil: Fine. Here!
[removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom]
Sybil: Take it! Go find her!

Captain: We are going back to Lady Heather's.
Gil: I can take care of this myself.
Captain: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Gil: Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.
Nick: Kind of sounds like you.

Nick: I don't want to disappoint you but this is not the first time I've had a gun pointed at me.

Nick: Hey.
Sara: [lively] Hey.
Nick: Wow, you look...
Sara: Happy?
Nick: Smug, acually.

Detective: Security guard. No party list, but he did see each car that left the night of the party and morning.
Security: Chief Rittle left around 5:00 a.m. Uh... 5:14, to be exact.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: You saw Chief Rittle leave?
Security: Yeah. He was with his wife and kid, and he had his baseball cap and sunglasses on like he always does.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: So you saw a baseball cap and sunglasses. Did you actually see the Chief's face?
Security: Well... actually, I didn't.

Warrick: Acting supervisor? What about Nick? He's got seniority. Or Sara? She'd jump at the chance
Gil: If it was about seniority, I'd ask Nick. If I needed someone to stay up for three straight days, I'd ask Sara. Instead, I want you.

Sara: High school student with a van. I'll bet half the senior class is in here.

Archie: Electrocution through the phone line? I thought that was a myth.
Warrick: This look like a myth to you?

Greg: [after Grissom tells him that he has to work dayshift because they're shorthanded] Why can't days keep anybody?
Gil: Money, stress, Ecklie... maybe.

Gil: Does it ever bother you that you make your living killing insects?
Ted: What kind of question is that?

Gil: Part of being a CSI is learning to work in the absence of absolute certainty. Each and every case brings us a new opportunity to learn something. For instance, in the case of Donna Basset, we can see that there is no such thing as an insignificant detail.
[points to Rebecca McGill]
Gil: Here, the evidence itself can bear witness. Don't just look for what you think you're going to find.
[points to Jack Day]
Gil: And this one, never impose logic on an illogical act.
[points to Ray and Lou]
Gil: And finally, if the evidence changes, your theory must change as well. Questions?
Male: [raises his hand] How do you deal with the smell?
Gil: You get used to it.

Nick: What guy would like having his little sister around to watch as he gets his ass kicked in front of his girlfriend?

Sara: [to Hannah about Stacy's murder] You put sodium in the showerhead to get back at her?
Hannah: A prank for a prank. I thought that there'd be a few sparks, that she'd freak out and that'd be it, but the nozzle exploded. Stacy ran... and fell down the stairs... and died. I tried to cover it up.
Sara: You miscalculated.
Hannah: I guess I did.

Jim: [to Grissom] They're going to put Jaycobs in protective custody to avoid repercussions in the community. Where are we going to put Warrick?

Captain: So men shop for a wife. You screen the guys?
Chloe: You pick up a woman at a bar, does the bartender screen you? You take her home, take her to your bed. How well did you screen her?
Captain: You should be sainted.

Rev. Rhodes: My partner is the Lord.
Captain: Well I'm sure it's not His DNA on those sheets.

Sofia: Annie Lansfield, Cornstalk Queen of Tidioute, Pennsylvania. You move to Vegas to become famous and ended up doing diaper duty for a washed-up rock star.

Hodges: Four people are dead, the killer is still out there and you're mocking?
Mandy: We're mocking you.

Teri: I see you're learning to cook for yourself.
Gil: Well I had to, Teri, I heard you were married.

Gil: The science in these textbooks is sound, but the tape is more than enough to get reasonable doubt.
Conrad: Well, there's no doubt in my mind that Thayer worked his science to get the answers the defense needed.

Henry: Remember that time you said that thing about your having a higher commitment to the lab and the pursuit of justice?
David: Yeah, I may have said that more than once.
Henry: Yeah, you have.

Sara: [to Joanne McKay] You were lying about giving Robbie lipstick. You have seven out of 13 alleles in common with your patient, Adam Trent.
Captain: [holds up a bag of letters] Your "Dearest Angel."
[Joanne doesn't say anything]
Captain: Okay. Joanne McKay, registered nurse. Licensed by the Nevada board of Nursing 1978. Married Howard Trent 1980. The board requires you to get a new certificate when you get married. I guess you never complied.
Nurse: I've always gone by my maiden name.
Captain: I guess that makes it less embarrassing to check into the motel with your son.
[Joanne glares at him]
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry. You checked into a psycho ward instead.

[last lines]
Jim: Situation is Code Four: one in custody.

Milton: I shot an arrow into the air,it fell to earth, I knew not where; For, so swiftly it flew, the sight. Could not follow it in its flight. Long, long... '
Nick: Sir, that's, that's really sweet.
Milton: That's Longfellow. What do you kids know about poetry?
Sara: Nick, the arrow came in through that window.
Nick: Yeah.
Milton: Even an idiot would see that.
[Nick goes out, looks around and finds another arrow, he comes back]
Nick: Hey Sara, I found another arrow shot into the ground near that tool shed.
Sara: Maybe the shooter got nervous.
Nick: Well, to work in a Brothel you're required to register your fingerprints. So...
Sara: I'm almost done here, I'll catch up.
Nick: Okay. I'll let you know if we get lucky.
Sara: [turns to Milton and finishes the poem] 'Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, found again in the heart of a friend.' Keep the faith Milton.

DA: [DA Monroe is questioning Grissom about his motives for attending Natalie's transfer request trial] Then you are here for revenge?
Gil: I don't care about revenge. I have no stake in the outcome of these proceedings. Whether Natalie stays here or goes to prison is at the discretion of this court. I've been trying to believe that people can change, even people who are damaged. But I don't know if they can...
[pauses]
Gil: I just don't know.

Tom: I get one phone call, right?
Gil: Sure. Just like in the movies.

Gil: [to Sanders] Keep thinking Butch, that's what you're good at.

Laurent: I knew when I fled Rwanda to create a new future I'd have to create a new past, too.

Gil: There's a theory in art that the Mona Lisa was really a feminized version of Leonardo da Vinci himself.
Sara: Concept suggests... deep down we're all narcissists?
Gil: Yeah. What attracts us the most is ourselves.

Sara: [to Hannah] Hey, there.
Hannah: Did you come to say bye?
Sara: No. Actually, you and I are going to be seeing a lot of each other. If you thought the DA wouldn't prosecute a twelve-year-old for murder, you were wrong. He wants justice for Stacy and her family.
Hannah: Of course. He's a totally linear thinker. Most of you guys are.

Neal: She always said that a woman without a child of her own wasn't a woman.

Gil: We told them what happened.
Catherine: Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed - closure.
Gil: Truth brings closure.
Catherine: Not always.

Dickie: Hey! Dickie Jones. And you are?
Catherine: ...Busy.
Dickie: How about after your shift I take you up a cup of coffee? I can tell you my whole life story.
Catherine: [Smiling] No thanks.
Dickie: It's just a cup of coffee darling, I'm not asking you to make love.
[Catherine walks away]
Dickie: I'm not running away anyway. You know, I could open up your world to you. Have you ever had the back of those thighs kissed by a man-who's standing up?
Catherine: [Catherine burst out laughing]

Nick: Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
Amy: Yes.
[points gun at Nick]
Amy: That's what I killed her with.

Catherine: So that means he died with a smile on his face.
Dr. Al Robbins: Among other things.
[both laugh]

Captain: So, you snuck in the place to grind up a body?
Harold: No, I didn't even know what it was 'til it was too late.
Captain: Who, exactly, gave you the, uh, "meat", to grind?
Harold: Uh, it was in the, uh, restaurant freezer at the Do Breff.
Captain: [Pointing at face] See my face? This is me almost believing you.

Nick: You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.

Sofia: No, it's time I made a change. I don't like the direction the lab's headed.
Gil: You mean Ecklie? You can't pay any attention to him.
Sofia: No, you got a good team, but I was a supervisor. My demotion was undeserved, and every day I'm here, I'm reminded of that.
[pause]
Sofia: What?
Gil: Well, someone once said, "What we are never changes, but who we are, never stops changing."

Henry: There were no drugs or alcohol in the limo driver's system.
Greg: Really? What about Drops?
Henry: Also clean. As was your head shot vic. Club scene's getting really tame these days.

Greg: That's all I got, so sorry.
Catherine: Greg, never apologize for doing your job.

Captain: I got the state medical records for Howard Ashton Winston; born August 12, 2000. Would've been three years old.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: When did he die?
Captain: Last year. Tay-Sachs disease.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Oh, that's incurable. Like MS, right?
Captain: Yeah, I worked with a cop in New Jersey whose son died from it. Aw, the poor kid went blind, couldn't swallow. In the end, he couldn't even lift his head up.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: The Winstons never mentioned they had another child.
Captain: Losing one kid is tough, but two?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: I know it.

Warrick: Well, you know Grissom, shortest distance between two points is science. For Catherine, it's pounding the pavement.

Conrad: [to Nick] Good news is Judge Crawford denied the defense's motion to dismiss.
Nick: Of course he did. She's just a mixed-up kid trying to protect her older brother. All the evidence points to Marlon.
Conrad: Yeah, and all the jury's going to remember is a little girl in a bloody shirt confessing to murder. That's reasonable doubt on a silver platter.

David: [to Grissom] The green powder on your vic's dress is open-celled phenolic foam, holds more than 40 times its weight in water. Reminds me of this girl I knew in college...
Gil: I don't need to hear about that.
David: She was a florist.

Hodges: You know, you and me, we're not the marrying kind. The intricacies of our nature can never be understood by just one woman.
Gil: Would you close the door, please?
[Hodges does so]
Gil: From the other side.

Nick: [Nick and David Phillips are in a motel room with a dead body. The room reeks of decomp but the body hasn't been dead that long and no one can figure out where the smell is coming from] It's the immaculate decomposition.

Gil: Someone chased this kid to death.

Carl: Did you know that most parents spend less than 20 minutes a day of quality time with their kids? Lucas was starved for attention. All his mother did was complain about his father and how he'd abandoned them. Do you know what that does to a child?
Gil: It doesn't kill them.

Warrick: [about Susan Hillridge] She gives me the willies.
Gil: We can't arrest her for that.

Captain: Happy holidays!
D.B. Russell: Not for Santa, I hear
Captain: There is gonna be a lot of disappointed kids this year

Gil: Excuse me. Can you please turn down the house lights and turn on the stage lights?
[stage light comes onto Grissom]
Gil: I want to see what he saw right before he died.
Catherine: What do you see?
Gil: Nothing.
Catherine: What are you looking for?
[beat]
Gil: A punchline?
Captain: Ba-dum-bum.

Cole: Man, you're weak, weak, weak, weak.
[Nick walks up to him]
Cole: I'm sorry, you're not weak. You're a joke.
Warrick: Nick, Nick.
[Nick looks at Warrick, grinning; Warrick shakes his head; Nick hits Tritt. Warrick runs over and pulls Nick back]
Cole: Man, anyone get that on video?
[holds up his cell phone]
Cole: I'll take a picture myself.

Catherine: Only difference between kitsch and beautiful is time.

[last lines]
Grissom: [about Sara] She's a great criminalist, Conrad. And I need her.
Conrad: I'm sure you do. You know what? She's a loose cannon with a gun. And she's all yours.

[Dr. Robbins has received a decomposed human head in the mail; Grissom walks into the morgue]
Gil: I heard you got some head.

Gil: That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.
Greg: My prostate is just fine!

Julie: Oh waiter! Excuse me. Could we have a very nice bottle of champagne?
Sara: Finn, it's like barely 9 o'clock in the morning
Julie: Eh, with orange juice

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Nice digs.
Captain: Yeah, guy got rich off some dot-com outfit. Moved here from Oregon two years ago.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Bet they wished they hadn't today.

Marlon: I asked Hannah to teach me how to make GHB, and how to get it into Kira. I just wanted to mess her up a bit. I snuck it into Kira's room a few days ago; I still had a key. Hannah must've made a copy.
Sara: I believe you, Marlon. I really do. But the only thing that a jury's going to see is your prints on the lube, your prints on the windowsill, and another dead girl.
Marlon: Why is Hannah doing this to me?
Sara: I don't know. All I know is... you don't deserve to take the fall for this. And the question is... are you going to let your sister get away with this and spend the rest of your life in jail?
Marlon: If Hannah wants me in jail, that's where I'm going to be. There's nothing I can do about it.

Gil: Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.
Nick: Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.
Gil: Not in the field.
Nick: You're serious?
Gil: You're in violation just carrying a weapon.

Nick: [walks in to see Greg lively doing his work] What up, G?
Sara: You're awake, I hate you.
Greg: Couple glasses of merlot, a rack of lamb on my day off. I slept like a baby yesterday. You look horrible.
Sara: Thanks, Greg.
[Greg looks at Nick]
Nick: Don't look at me. I got 'sunshine' all night.
[Nick glances over at Sara who glares back at him, definitely catching exactly who he's calling "sunshine"]
Nick: Check for DNA in the sexual assault kit and the fingernail, please.
Sara: Everything has to be in CODIS ASAP.
Greg: Oh, is that all? I want to know who's going to authorize my overtime?
Sara: Suck it up, Greg. You're well-rested.
[Sara walks away]
Greg: [to Nick] You want a valium for her?
Sara: [from a distance] I heard that!

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Okay, the husband says he fell asleep, he woke up, his wife was dead.
Gil: He's a good sleeper.

Gil: [to Warrick on the phone] Where the hell have you been?
Warrick: Grissom, I gotta talk with you.
Gil: Where are you?
Warrick: Pigalle.
Gil: What are you thinking?
Warrick: I don't know. I don't know!
Gil: You don't... you don't know what?
Warrick: I don't know what I did here. I don't know what happened.

Gil: So, lets see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg: Weird, huh?
Gil: Well, I race cockroaches.

Gil: [to Greg about Aaron James getting a suspended sentence] If the kid's brother hadn't died, would you have done the same?
Greg: [shrugs] I don't know. I just, uh... you think it's wrong?
Gil: Doesn't matter what I think.

Greg: We could compare them to the buccal swabs that we collected... if we still had them
Sara: Well, we just have to recollect them.
Greg: All 200 of them?
Sara: eah. And since we can't leave... someone else is... gonna have... to recollect them.
Nick: This is crap! I've been waiting on IAB for 14 hours. I'm tired, and I kinda smell. And I don't have a friggin' car

Captain: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage, literally?
Catherine: Ba-dum-bum.
Captain: I'll be here all week.

Gil: [to Catherine Willows regarding the possibility of her private life being scrutinized in an investigation] We all live in glass houses, just be careful where you take your shower.

Nick: [while searching the body hanging from the tree] Either these kids were travelling light or they were robbed blind.
Warrick: Who'd rob them up there, Andre the Giant?

Catherine: [Referring to a burned spot on the floor] Now, get down and sniff the rug.
Hodges: That's all they ever want.

Anders: It was merely a game. An entertainment.
Nick: Nah, it's more like a place where you can play God, right? Maybe treat people the way you wish you could treat them in real life?
Detective: Virtual murder is not quite as satisfying as the real thing, is it?

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Even if all this is true we still don't know if he killed your daughter.
Lady: Too many coincidences.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: You have to stay away from him.
Lady: You forfeited the right to give me advice some time ago. But thank you.

Warrick: [to Jeremiah] Son, you trying to win the wet tee shirt contest? My partner here's a great shot.

Nick: Two pieces of duct tape, both have been swabbed for DNA and fingerprinted.
[Hodges is looking around for someone]
Nick: Grissom wants you to compare adhesives. He's looking for a match.
[Nick glances for whom Hodges is casting about]
Hodges: Ok. That'll take a laser ablation test. That's good.
Nick: Why's that good?
Hodges: Well, laser ablation is both visual *and* dramatic.
Nick: Are you looking for the video crew right now?
Hodges: [scoffs] I would think they would be looking for *me*.
Nick: Relax, man, their show is only an hour long; laser ablation takes, like, six.
Hodges: Yeah, but when they cut it together, it'll only take 30 seconds.
[Nick smiles, amused, and leaves]
Hodges: [30-second montage of laser ablation preparation and FX]
Hodges: [to Grissom:] Ran laser ablation on the duct tape samples. Not a match.

Greg: Cath? Your DNA results are back. According to my DNA data, the chances are 814 quadrillion to one - that your suspect is our killer. Pretty good stats...
Catherine: Yeah, considering there are only six billion people in world.

Ray: Look, I loved my wife, but, a year into our marriage, she told me that she wasn't into sex anymore. And, uh, she went frigid on me. Asked me to move into the other bedroom.
Catherine: And you were okay with that?
Ray: Well, I kept hoping things would get better and we had fun and we respected each other. And she was a great mom to Susan.
Catherine: I'm still confused about the bite marks.
Ray: I found a way to make our relationship work.
Catherine: You found yourself a vampire?

Nick: So, someone turned the mass murderer into a murder weapon

Catherine: I always liked the circus.
Gil: Yeah, it's fun trying to figure out the magic tricks.
Catherine: Well, that's taking the fun out of it.

Nick: You can not be serious!
Warrick: Hey! John McEnroe, where's the game?

Warrick: [Grissom's going through evidence and holds up a thong] I was wondering where I put my nice silver satin thong.

Catherine: I don't know who killed Christina Adalian, I don't know how she got pregnant, and I don't know the identity of the baby's biological parents.
Gil: It's always good to know what you don't know.

Gil: Bag and tag the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg.

Greg: Duct tape. So the shooter stuck the gun in the toilet earlier to avoid the metal detector.
Gil: Echoes of Michael Corleone.

Gil: I found a thriving miniature hobbyist community on-line. Sites where people meet, chat, exchange building tips, list stores they shop in.
Nick: [looking at the miniature of Grissom's office] So that's why you built this thing? I mean... other then to creep us all out?

Wendy: What's a 4-5-0?
Warrick: That would be sex with a dead body.

Nick: [Catherine waits outside the courtroom on the bench; Nick comes out] Damn!
Catherine: What?
Nick: Damn, damn, damn. I forgot to put case identifiers on my dice photos.
Catherine: Date, time and file number?
Nick: Yeah.
[Catherine doesn't say anything]
Nick: Don't look at me that way, okay? I wrote it down on the evidence envelope. I had to move fast. The casino manager wanted us out of there.
Catherine: The dice places Tom at the murder. Victim's blood mixed with his saliva.

Gil: [Archie stands up and shakes his legs] What are you doing?
Archie: I've been watching movies for three days straight... my butt fell asleep.

Gil: [answering the phone] Grissom.
Al: Yeah, Gil. Got a good idea on COD for your asphyxiated officer. Internal organ colour nailed it above of autopsy and necropsy and...
Gil: [interrupting] Carbon monoxyde poisoning.
Al: You know, nobody likes when you do that. So, how did CO get into the room?
Gil: That I don't know.

Gil: And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.
Conrad: Very funny.
Gil: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, ah, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.
Conrad: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.
Gil: I love it when you wear your gloves.

Gil: Alright, Poncho, we're gonna open the lid and get you out, but I need you to stay lying dowm. Okay? Or else you'll blow us all up. You understand that?
Nick: Yeah, yeah.
Gil: Do you promise, Poncho?
[Nick nods]
Gil: Say I promise.
Nick: [crying] I promise.

Gil: [considering three possibilities using the "Norman" dummies] Norman pushed... Norman jumped... Norman fell.
Sara: Wouldn't you, if you were married to Mrs. Roper?

Gil: Guy was living the American dream, every kid wants to grow up to be a cowboy.
Captain: That's a dead cowboy.

[picking Cath up for dinner]
Chris: So, what are you in the mood for?
Catherine: Room service.

Gil: This is your proficiency test, Greg. You might want to work the scene.

Catherine: Do you have somewhere you need to be?
Employee: I have to change my pants.

Gil: High altitude enhances the entire sexual experience. It increases the euphoria.
Sara: Well, it's good. I don't know if it's that good... Cite your source.
Gil: Would you hand me a swab please?
Sara: You're avoiding the question. Cite your source.
Gil: A magazine.
Sara: What magazine?
Gil: "Applied psychodynamics in forensic science".
Sara: Never heard of it.
Gil: I'll get you a subscription.

Greg: What are you doing?
Gil: Good, your here.
[tosses him a plastic cup]
Gil: Fill this up for me, will ya.
Greg: With what?
Gil: It's a urine specimen cup, Greg, what do you think?
Greg: [looks at the cup again]
[pauses]
Greg: Okay.

Greg: Come hither!

Gil: Twenty-five people here last night, and nobody sees anything.
Tanya: [passing by] Nice hat honey.
Sara: So, uh, you've been to a place like this before?
Gil: I worked a murder/suicide at the Naughty Kitty once.
Sara: No, no. Come on, you know what I mean.
Gil: As a customer? No.
Sara: You've never paid for sex?
Gil: I have not. I find the whole idea very... bleak.
Sara: Really? How come?
Gil: Sex should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid sex does the opposite of that. To me, sex without love is... pointless. It makes you sad.
Sara: Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad.
Gil: No. You make me happy.

Nick: This is total BS!
Gil: Nick...
Nick: There was blood on Havilin's hand!
Gil: Nick, go get a soda.

Gil: [the camera focus is on Grissom] I don't know. Most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose. Never know that it's happening, like a crime scene. Surprise, you're dead.
[the camera has slowly spins around to reveal Grissom is in a bedroom]
Gil: I'd prefer to know in advance that I was going to die. I'd like to be diagnosed with cancer actually, have some time to prepare.
[Grissom sighs]
Gil: Go back to the rain forest one more time, re-read 'Moby Dick.'
[the camera is now behind Grissom and focus on a room. A female steps out wearing a white silky bathrobe]
Gil: Possibly enter an international chess tournament.
[the female walks towards Grissom and the camera focus stays only on her body]
Gil: At least have enough time to say 'goodbye' to the ones that I love.
[the female sits besides him. It's Sara]
Sara: I'm not ready to say 'Goodbye.'
[Sara smiles at him. The camera focus switches to Grissom who smiles back]

CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: [to Greg] I hear you're backlogged.
Greg: Twenty "unknowns" from some drug shoot-out. FBI special request. Sheriff told me to clear it off my counter before I do anything else.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: These?
Greg: Yeah. You can almost smell Quantico, you know?
[Grissom grabs the paperwork in front of Greg and puts it aside on the cart with all the other samples on it; he pushes the cart out of the door and into the hallway where it stops when it hits the wall, attracting the attention of some people, including Nick]
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: There. Now they're off your counter.
[Greg nods his head; Grissom takes out a file folder and the samples]
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Zachary Anderson, DOB 01-23-01. Date of death, three hours ago. Until we find out how and why...
[puts a tray full of blood samples in front of Greg]
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: This is the only case you work on.
Greg: Yes, sir.

Conrad: I was just thinking, David, I've lost my keys, sunglasses, even a wallet.
David: Sir, this really isn't my fault.
Conrad: But I've never lost a body.
David: I didn't do anything.
Conrad: Find him, Phillips, or this goes on your record.
David: What would you like me to do?
Conrad: Get out! Get out! Out!

Gil: There's seminal fluid all over the place.
Sara: Is this a dance club or a sex club?
Warrick: A little of both. Don't you love this town?
Sara: Whatever you say, Superfly.

Gil: Have you got the DNA results from the fingernail Catherine found?
Greg: Yeah. They're not a match to Patrick Haynes.
Gil: I never figured a man for the fingernail, Greg.
Greg: But this is where you break out the can of creep repellent. Half of the DNA markers are in common.
Gil: A possible first degree relative?

Greg: What *don't* you know?

Captain: Can you get a set of prints off those balloons?
Warrick: I can get a print off of air.

Sara: Sometimes I think we made up God just to have someone to blame for our mistakes.

Morgan: Well, I know Nick is the expert, but this just looks like a common crane-fly to me. They're everywhere in Vegas, I don't know how they're going help us any point to advance them. You have better luck on your site?
David: You mean: am I having any better luck with the bird excrement? It's not lost on me that of all the trace you pulled, you gave me the poop!

Gil: What's up?
Warrick: The shoe tread I found at the scene. It's a World Industries Diablo. It's a skate shoe. Size 11.
Gil: On a construction worker?
Warrick: Screams "teenager", I know.

Stripper: [to Brass] See, I know the frickin' Constitution.
Jim: I bet you do. Somebody get Ben Franklin out of here.

Nick: [to Drops] What's the deal with these street teams. What's going on?
Drops: They do all the filthy, dirty, grimy promo for Dollar. Snipe posters, give-away stickers, pass CDs around. Nothing really.
Nick: You know, three kids were murdered the other night doing the exact same thing.
Drops: What can I say, man? These kids run the streets, bro. Anybody at any given time can run up on them and try and lullaby their ass.

[Cath stares at the body of her deceased ex-husband]
Dr. Al Robbins: Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.

Gil: My God. She was at the crime scene.
Nick: So she salvages the car, and somehow gets it out to the desert, and grabs Sara, and puts her under it?
Warrick: I don't get it. What does Sara have to do with bleach?
Catherine: I don't know. This just feels different.
Gil: It is different.
[flashback to crime scene where Grissom takes a camera from Sara and caresses her arm]
Gil: This girl holds me responsible for the death of Ernie Dell. I took away the only person she ever loved, so she's gonna do the same thing to me
[everyone looks confused]

Gordon: The Corwins lent me their jet.
Catherine: Just like they lent you their boat?
Gordon: Ask the pilot. Dylan called him in person telling him to fly me to Monaco.
Horatio: Hmm. I'd rather call Dylan at the hospital to confirm.
Catherine: The husband didn't die. You left us a witness and enough evidence to incriminate you in two states.

Captain: [to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?
Carlos: Guilty.

Sara: [to Grissom] I've looked at everything in that hotel room. Nothing matches that pattern.
Gil: What about the booking photos of Tom? Were you able to make comparisons off those?
Sara: I told Brass that I needed them; he hasn't sent me anything yet.
Gil: This case is a moving target. I'll get ahold of Brass.
[notices Sara is dressed for her court appearance]
Gil: You look nice.
Sara: Thanks. Wish me luck.
[turns to leave]
Gil: Sara? Whatever happens in court, it's not because you're seeing this guy. You deserve to have a life.

Augie: My DNA is your DNA.
Catherine: Great.

Sara: Steve, you don't look so good. Are you feeling okay?
Steve: Yeah, I'm fine.
Sara: Look, I know what you mean about moving on to other things. When I was your age, I couldn't get there quick enough. I started to wish there was some magic potion I could swallow to make myself older, cooler - turned out there was. The down side was, the next day, I would feel awful: my mouth would be dry, my-my head would be pounding, and-and I could just smell this sweet, sugary poison seeping out of my pores.
Steve: [Vomits watery liquid onto the floor]
Sara: You're a tequila man, huh, Steve?

Viva: There's a difference between a pyromaniac and an arsonist, you know?
Nick: What is the difference?

Sara: [after a toilet explodes in a college dorm] Well, there's got to be some logical explanation.
Greg: Well, if dorm food is as bad as I can remember, we should consider explosive diarrhea.

[Three "furs" are taken to the CSI team]
Bud: Hello, this is racial profiling?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Huh, we're gonna need samples of your... fur.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: We'll also need to talk to you without your masks on.
[Two furs take their mask of]
Bud: I don't.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: You have a problem with that?
Bud: You wouldn't ask a human lady to take her make-up off. If you want to talk to me, this is the "me" you're gonna talk to.

[Mindy is a drug addict whose problem indirectly cost a friend his life]
Mindy: One guy's dead. One guy's going to jail.
Gil: You're free to go.
Mindy: Go where?

Karen: I sense a disturbance in your chakras.
Captain: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Warrick: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil: The winner?

Greg: Looks like our vic was in a goth band. You know, I used to be goth.
Nick: Mh-hmm.
Greg: Yeah, the goth-thing was just an act. Chicks dug it.
Nick: How does that work?
Greg: You act depressed to get chicks, you get depressed chicks.

[Captain Brass is interrogating the husband of a murdered woman]
Captain: That's a pretty good theory. Wanna hear another one?
Willy: Sure.
Captain: Well let's start with your wife banging a lawn boy.
Willy: Timmy?
Captain: Timmy. Why, you didn't know?
Willy: [Crying] No!
Captain: Really? Well according to Timmy, you found him in your bedroom and dragged him off the closet.
Willy: He's lying! I wasn't home!
Captain: Oh yeah that's right. That's right. You were in a love boat with Sally the hooker.

Horatio: It's honey.
Catherine: You say that like it means something.
Horatio: Well, honey on its own is just honey. But add platic wrap and... it's a different situation.

Gil: Ricin is made from the husk, castor oil is made from what's inside.
Greg: Hmm, which makes two people who know that: you and the guy who wrote the book.

Al: [Dr. Robin made a pie] Just try it
Warrick: Thanks
Al: You know it's vegan, low fat, low sugar, low carbs
Warrick: Low taste

Greg: It's not real sand. It's finely crushed granite.
Nick: What does that mean?
Gil: It means she wasn't killed in Hawaii. Other than that, he has no idea.

Keo: Noy's life was worthless. His death is not.

Grissom: "The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones."
Warrick: Shakespeare?
Grissom: [nods] Julius Caesar.

Greg: This is just like that Edgar Allan Poe story where the victim's heart under the floorboards betrays the murder.
Gil: "The Tell-Tale Heart". I thought you didn't like reading the classics.
Greg: I do when they're about dismembered bodies.

Greg: [blue lighting some sheets] Well, no crime of passion starts without the passion

[first lines]
[Catherine and Sara arrive at the crime scene]
Captain: The decedent's name is Christina Adalian, 28. Gunshot to the temple. Her sister is over there, just came in from L.A. When no one answered the door, she looked inside, saw her sister on the floor. The playpen with the baby was next to the body. Police officers kicked in the door.

[At the crime scene, Gil Grissom is admiring and explaining the "meteor shower" to Jim Brass]
Captain: Is this part of the investigation?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: No. But we're here, and it's beautiful.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Footprints. Going in both directions. They came, and they went.
Captain: So dump the body, raid to the refrigerator?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Maybe they had an appetite for murder.

Undersheriff: [to Sofia] I hear soda water works better.
Sofia: What'd work better is if I took it out and shot it.
Undersheriff: So long as I don't see it on the 11:00 news.
[Sofia chuckles]

Captain: Guess who he called yesterday: Lady Heather.
Catherine: Might have threatened her.
Captain: And we both know how she likes to settle her own scores. I'm gonna get a warrant, but it may take me some time because I have to find a judge who isn't a client of hers.

Gil: [looking at a bullet casing] Fifty caliber. Casing looks new. I bet it's from a Desert Eagle.
Hodges: Or a coffee shop. I could drink an espresso out of that thing.

Michael: [after he has been mocking Dougie Max] Shut up. Shut up. Don't you get it? Are you that stupid? I am making fun of you. I'm the lowest common denominator in comedy when I do that crap. The only way I could get you to stop laughing now is if I went to every single table and slit every one of your throats. I can see that I'm getting the red light, ladies and gentlemen, and that means it's time for me to stop.
[singing]
Michael: Stop with the hate and stop with the fear.
[stops singing]
Michael: Stop with the lies.
[starts to walk down the aisle]
Michael: Comedy, uh, comedy is supposed to be about the truth. You know, uh, I killed tonight. And I, uh, killed, uh, two nights ago. Dougie Max. Uh... on this stage. 'Cause I despised everything he stood for. Dumb people, like you. You think I did a disservice to the world by killing Dougie Max? You ought to give me a parade. But the shame of it is... is that uh, an innocent kid got killed too and, uh, I blame you.
[points to Grissom]
Michael: Yeah, I, uh, I didn't think you were going to get the joke.
Gil: Oh, I got it. It just wasn't funny.

Nick: Hey, Catherine, when's your little girl comin' by?
Catherine: She isn't.
Nick: Yeah, but I got her a chem set.
[looks over to see Grissom had bought the same gift]
Sara: You keep that; might learn something.
Nick: Stop flirting with me.

[first lines]
[Grissom struggles to tie a bowtie]
Catherine: What are you doing?
Gil: I'm going insane. I don't understand this diagram.
Catherine: You don't need a diagram. You need a woman.
[stands behind him and successfully ties the tie]
Catherine: I'm looking forward to your speech.

Catherine: What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?
Gil: I'm not a pervert.

Ronnie: [to Captain Kramer] You want me to admit to a murder I didn't commit, so you can reduce a drug charge? What, you're high, right? Y-y-you must be high.

Dr. Al Robbins: [there are three Laotians in the morgue at the same time] Bad night for Laotians.

Sara: [to Warrick] Interesting voice mail you left me.
Warrick: What's that?
Sara: Meet me behind CSI and bring a cotton nightgown. I'd wear it for you but... uh, I prefer pajamas.

Wendy: What on god's green earth possessed you to do this?
Hodges: It was my lucky day.
Wendy: What?
Hodges: It's my lucky day
Hodges: [music plays and a flashback of Hodges walking toward the crime lab appears. He finds a dollar on the ground then looks up to see a pretty woman walking by him while smiling at him. He puts the dollar in a vending machine and buys lucky chips and while going to get them two more bags fall. Then he walks into his lab and checks his email and the Three's company board game he bidded on is his. Then his results print out and he got a match of 1 out of 600 billion] When you walked away it was like the stars aligned, it was my lucky day.
Wendy: Lucky? You're a scientist.
Hodges: I was trying to help Grissom
Wendy: C'mon if Gil Grissom were here he'd slap your face

[In the second "game", Henry has been found frozen]
Al: Why don't you let me know when he softens up, and we'll start the cutting.
David: Wait so... we're just gonna wait him to thaw?
Al: What do you want me to do, stuck him in the microwave?

Sara: Do you think we're dressed for a wedding?
Warrick: Not my wedding.

D.B. Russell: David? Got a name yet?
David: Lucky for us, the victim was not a Secret Santa, he has got business cards, everything

Catherine: Hey, you.
Warrick: Hey.
Catherine: How uh... are you holding up?
Warrick: I'm fine.
Catherine: You sure?
Warrick: Yeah.
Catherine: ...you're in the women's bathroom.

Gil: Are these... Spaghetti-O's?
Sara: I don't think so.
Greg: Nah, no. Those are orthodontic rubber bands. Hook 'em up to your braces, uh... upper to lower, helps pull the jaw in the right direction. Also great for flinging.
[everyone looks at him]
Greg: I had it all: palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?
[smiles broadly]

[last lines]
Gil: It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that, for fifty years, we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden, we get a second chance. Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her, but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it, but you did. You risked it all, and she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else, and you were lost. So you took her life. You killed them both, and now you have nothing.
Dr. Vincent Lurie: I'm still here.
Gil: Are you?
[Doctor leaves, camera pulls back to show Sara on the other side of the glass, watching the entire thing]

Cha: Man, everyone loves a good fannysmackin' session.
Catherine: A what?
Cha: Beating up fannypackers. You know, tourists.
Catherine: Why would you want to do that?
Cha: [shrugs] Nothing else to do.

[Greg puts his hand in the soupy goop in the trunk and pulls the drain plug back - the goop splashes on his face]
Sara: Technically, that makes you a cannibal.
Sara: [pause] Grissom would be proud.
Greg: Grissom would've tasted it on purpose.

Nick: Your partner stayed at the party after you left?
Tiffany: As far as I know.
Nick: Where does he live?
Tiffany: I don't know. I've known him for five days.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Well, that's 120 hours. There must be something you know about him that you could share with us.
Tiffany: Right-handed, a Libra, circumcised, rich; back-east rich. Which kind of surprised me because he wore really cheap cologne.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Cheap? How?
Tiffany: Smelled funny. Sweet.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Are you sure it was cologne?
Tiffany: Or deodorant. Mouthwash, maybe. All I know is it smelled... sickly sweet. To be honest, I thought he could have used a little help in that department.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Would you happen to have an article of clothing of his, by any chance?
Tiffany: The only thing he gave me was a good time.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Hey, guess what? This isn't about you. This is about a missing seven-year-old girl.

[Greg is introducing his replacement, Chandra, to the lab]
Gil: Did you get her blood yet?
Chandra: What for?
Gil: So many reasons.

Catherine: Women in convertibles are low-hanging fruit.
Gil: And it was a top-down night.

Horatio: My name is Horatio Caine. I'm the head of the Crime Unit.
Sasha: Horatio?
Horatio: Yeah. That's a funny name, isn't it? My mother named me after a famous writer named Horatio Alger. Ever hear of him?
Sasha: Is your badge real?
Horatio: [giving it to her] Yeah. Yeah, that's real.
Sasha: My daddy's a policeman.
Horatio: I know that. I knew that.
Sasha: They're looking for me, you know.
Horatio: Mm-hmm. Me, too. Me, too. What do you say we sit here and get found together?

Greg: No matter how hard you work to get big, there's always someone bigger.
Sara: It could be what keeps them going. Like Freud said, "Anatomy is destiny".
Greg: What do you think Freud would have to say about one of these being the murder weapon?

Warrick: Who do you like?
Catherine: Charlotte. My mother grew up in North Carolina.
Warrick: Okay, I'll give you Charlotte +2.
Catherine: What do I get if I win?
Warrick: How about a fabulous dinner.
Catherine: I'll take your action.

[looking at pictures of a young, wealthy couple]
Warrick: Bling, bling!
Catherine: The old trophy wife.
Warrick: You think?
Catherine: Classic Vegas. He pays for her boobs, tummy tuck, Prada, weekly spa, French manicure. And she's just hanging on his arm like she belongs.
Warrick: Tell us how you really feel, Catherine.
Catherine: I wouldn't want to be her for the world.
[Warrick gives her a look]
Catherine: Hey, I wouldn't mind it for a day...
Warrick: Well, not this day.

Greg: Everyone except for the little guy was getting high and getting by. The girl's on uppers, mom's on downers and grandma sucks on the cancer stick.
Catherine: Ritalin, valium and Grandma's a liar.
Greg: Pants on fire.

Gil: Simba's mold's still damp, but you can see it's a perfect match to the bite mark on the jogger.
Nick: Does this mean Simba's going to the big dog pound in the sky?
Gil: No. We need to build some more evidence.

Captain: Nick, what was that shot?
Nick: Miss.

Gil: [to Carl about Lucas] His brain was bleeding. Now, most kids won't die from that because someone who really loves them takes them to the hospital, but instead, you gave him alcohol and aspirin, a lethal combination for his head injury. It prevented his blood from clotting. You killed him, Carl. And you would have killed Jason, too except he ran away from you and out of your reach.

Adam: [to Sara] Are you a spiritual person?
Sara: Sometimes.
Adam: Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? That bad things are there to teach us a karmic lesson?

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [to Grissom] Hey, come on. We're going to be late for the prelim.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Tammy Felton's prelim has been postponed indefinitely.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: What, why?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: She left town. Skipped bail.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: How much did the parents lose?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Their house and their life savings.
[Catherine sighs]
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: It's over. Case closed. We move on.
[takes off his glasses]
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Right.
[turns and walks out of Grissom's office]

Jim: [to Benny] Your hammer had Brian's blood all over it. Understand something, Benny. I'm talking about months versus years of juvenile detention. It's your call.
Benny: They got cable? Food? My dad locked on the outside? Sounds good to me. Besides, I'm a minor. By the time I'm 21, it's like it never happened.

Warrick: [to Nick who has grown a mustache] Hey, mustache boy.

[Jim is talking to a suspect visibly half-asleep]
Captain: Lou Barnes, big money runner. Still living at your mom's house? Hey, buddy! Focus! You're alright?
Lou: [Faints and falls off the chair]
Captain: Guess not.

Sara: Hey, Grissom, could you come tape me up?
Grissom: [to Catherine] I love my work.
Catherine: It shows.

Dr. Raymond Langston: I also need a laptop.
Shopkeeper: Gates or Jobs?

Wendy: Look, the only reason you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you, which by the way is exactly what you need. I mean, come on, you know I'd be good at all this miniature stuff.
Hodges: That's not the only reason.
Wendy: Really? Okay, what is it?
Hodges: You think you're too cool.
Wendy: Oh my God, what are we, twelve?
Hodges: I don't know, are we?
Wendy: I don't know, are we?
[Hodges doesn't answer]

Nick: Leggo my Greggo

Bud: Annabelle and I were married two days ago. We had a deal: she said if I gave up coke, we could get married.
Spencer: But you never gave up coke!
Bud: She didn't know that.

Rev. Rhodes: Mr. Grissom, do you believe in a separate, living evil?
Gil: You're primitive man on the savannah. You see something move out of the corner of your eye. You assume it's a hyena. You run, you live. If you assume it's the wind and you're wrong, you die. We have the genes of the ones who ran. We're genetically hard-wired to believe living forces that we cannot see.
Rev. Rhodes: The Devil's sliest trick is making us believe he isn't real, but call his name loud and long enough,
[knocks on the table four times]
Rev. Rhodes: guess who comes knocking on your door?
Jim: Usually guys like you.

[When Grissom puts his ear up to the pile of bones on the table]
Catherine: Are the bones whispering to you?

[last lines]
Gil: Tough shift, huh?
Nick: Just another day in paradise.
Judy: [answering the phone] Crime Lab. How can we help you?

Hodges: [leaving message on Sara's phone] Sara, the knife tip Doc Robbins extracted from Becca Mayford isn't metal, it's ceramic and extremely sharp. I accept thank you in advance, and you're welcome.

Sara: You know, I did read that if every bee on earth died, the human race would follow four years later.
Gil: There's no hard evidence to support that, though.
Sara: Oh.
Gil: But the world will end. Someday.

Greg: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You swab one down and run it through CODIS, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.
Nick: What ever happened to 'take one down pass it around'? That's the best part.
Greg: You know, us labrats have to do something to get through the day.

CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: [about the murder victim] Multiple contusions to the back of the skull. Might've been taken by surprise.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Robbery interruptus?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Yeah, I think our robbery suspect is a homicide victim.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: One way to beat the rap.

[Nick & Warrick walk towards Greg from behind, both talking loud]
Nick: I thought Greg was in the field. Is he back in the lab?
Warrick: I don't know.
Nick: We've got to clear this up. It's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels.
Greg: How about you guys just shut up, all right? I'm doing this as a favor for Ecklie. It's a one-time thing. He's still interviewing lab techs.
Warrick: You're making overtime?
Greg: I'm taking one for the team.

Stu: She nagged me.

Sara: I don't have a death wish, and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.
Gil: I'm not worried. I'm concerned.

[Nick Stokes is interrogating a hooker, who shows him the flyer that one of her client gave her]
Sally: There. I've never been to Hawaii.
Nick: No, me neither.
Sally: [In a teasing tone] I'd like you to take me in Hawaii.
Nick: I'm working.
Sally: So am I.

Catherine: [to Nick] You're confronting suspects before the evidence is processed, you're flying solo, cutting me out. What's going on?
Nick: Okay. There are some people you're supposed to be able to trust, you know? I was nine and she was a last-minute baby-sitter.
[Catherine looks stunned]
Nick: All I can remember doing afterwards is sitting in my room in the dark, staring at the door waiting for my mom to get home, but I've never told anyone before.
Catherine: I'm sorry.
Nick: It's what makes a person, I guess. I'm sorry, Catherine.
[walks away]

Nick: They should do a commercial for the city - "Las Vegas: where even the beaver can strike it rich."

Catherine: Sara, check out the blood on her hand.
Sara: There is none. Gun is spattered with dried blood. She wasn't holding this gun when it was shot.
Catherine: And what appears to be - is not.

Warrick: Listen, Grissom, I'm so sorry about all of this.
[sighs]
Warrick: And... yeah.
Gil: You were framed.
Warrick: Framed?
[Grissom nods and Warrick breathes a sigh of relief]
Warrick: By who?
Gil: Gedda has a mole in the department.
Warrick: A cop?
Gil: Daniel Pritchard. We think that he had him kill Lenny Harper and probably Joanna as well.
Warrick: And why would he kill Gedda?
Gil: Who knows? Old mobsters, crooked cops, it's a long history.
Warrick: I don't know. I mean, come on, Grissom. Gedda's been killing and barbecuing people for 25 years. It would take more than a beat cop to get one over on that fat bastard. It's gotta be someone higher up than that.
Gil: Probably, but Pritchard's all we got for now.

Nick: It's our job to know how. You heard Grissom: the more 'how' the less 'why'. The less the 'how' the more the 'why'.
Catherine: Hey, Nick. Grissom's not always right. Do yourself a favor ; think for yourself. I mean that as a friend, okay?

Captain: So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Gil: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was dead five days.
Captain: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Gil: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight - -maybe tighter than I realized - -which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Captain: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Gil: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Captain: Well, let me ask you this. You killed a pig just for this?
Gil: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Captain: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Gil: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Captain: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie.

[last lines]
Archie: The tape was pretty mangled. Enhancement and noise cancellation increase intelligibility, but it alters timber and tone. So, I don't know there's any more I can do here. You know, Nick recorded a message on the flip side of the tape. You think maybe we should
Gil: [interrupts] No! This is between you and me.

Jimmy: I can't believe you're doing this to me. I gave you your career.
Catherine: I earned my career. And you did this to yourself. You fabricated evidence, Jimmy.
Jimmy: You were two steps from turning tricks. And this is the thanks I get?
Catherine: I danced - period. And instead of feeling sorry for yourself, think about this: When you were out there planting evidence on a case that you couldn't break, Stephanie's real killer got away. And he's still out there. Because you sold the one thing a cop can't afford to sell: your integrity. So you tell me, between the two of us, who's the whore?

David: Why am I always the guy who has to sniff the shorts?

Sara: [Sara smells like decomp] Give me a mint.
Nick: You're gonna need more than one.

[last lines]
Raymond: Have your people treat him fairly, Captain. He doesn't have to be a lost cause.
Jim: Somehow, I knew you were going to say that.

[Wendy Simms shows the CSI team a slasher movie she played in when she was a student. They're all amazed except Ronnie Lake]
Ronnie: I don't get it, what's the thrill here? It's always hot babes with huge breasts falling out of their shirts getting hacked up.
Wendy: I don't have huge breasts! They're kinda... medium.
David: They're perfect.
Wendy: [Turns to him, shocked]
David: -ly. Adequate! Better effect.

Catherine: Theaters are like nightclubs. They should always keep the lights off.
Gil: This is the last art house left in Vegas. I saw Baraka here, on a double bill with Koyaanisquatsi.
Catherine: Was there anyone else here?
Gil: Sure.
Catherine: With you?
Gil: No.

Sara: Since when are you interested in beauty?
Gil: Since I met you.

Gil: Whoa, this is incredibly detailed. Eyelashes, nostrils...
Catherine: Oh yeah, that's what you see out of. I once dated the Detroit Lions Mascot. Off season. Dutch was his name.
Gil: The breadth of your social experience never ceases to impress me.

[Catherine and Sara have just seized a carnival as evidence and Sara is grinning madly]
Catherine: [Annoyed] What?
Sara: Well, this is fun.
Catherine: As opposed to...?
Sara: A more scientific approach.

Dr. Al Robbins: How about Darier Disease?
Gil: Doesn't that give you a rash that smells like human excrement? We're looking for something a little sweeter.

CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: [to Dr. Kane] Thanks for your insights, Philip. I'll let you know how this unfolds.
Dr. Philip Kane: Gil, be careful. Sociopaths are dangerous because they don't function by the same moral code as the rest of us.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Welcome to my world.

Nick: Now, "y'all" is plural. Believe me, I used the word a lot.

[after finding traces of semen on Bud Simmons' cat costume]
Catherine: Okay, well, I've heard of some guys getting off in some weird ways, but humping an animal suit? Whatever happened to normal sex?
Gil: What is normal sex?
Catherine: So you think it's natural for a grown human to only be intimate with a talking animal?
Gil: Well, Freud said that the only unusual sexual behavior was to have none at all. And after that, it was only a matter of opportunity and preference. And evidently, some people prefer the feel of fur to the texture of human skin.
Catherine: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel.

[upon discovering massive amounts of weapons present at a hockey game]
Gil: It looks like these guys went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

[first lines; Hollywood Boulevard]
Ellie: Hey. You get anything?
Dakota: No.
[a BMW pulls up alongside them]
Dakota: My, uh, knight in shining German armor has arrived.
Ellie: See if he has room for two. Careful.
Dakota: [to driver] Hey. You wanna party?

Nick: Where were you making all these phone calls from?
Erik: From a country western bar, I hit them all when the cowboys come to town.
Nick: Alright alright, I'll check it out.
Erik: Yeah, you do that please.
Nick: [Leaning to him before leaving the room] I didn't take you for a country music fan. Yee-ha!

Gil: Well, Jesus died for our sins. What sin did she die for?

Lady: Roleplay is a legitmate form of therapy; a safe way to access one's desires... and one's demons. Right Doctor?
Dr. Raymond Langston: You're the expert...

Nick: [in the coffin; saying good bye to his family and friends; speaking to Grissom] I disappointed you.
Gil: [at the lab watching the video] No you never did, Nick.

[about a case involving an elderly woman who crashed into a restaurant]
Sara: What do you have, Greg?
Greg: Well, maybe she had the munchies. Tox screen came back. Mrs. Lambert tested positive for cannabis sativa.
Sara: Grass?
Greg: "Grass?" So seventies, man! Sticky green, dank, chronic, cush, happy stick, wacky tobaccy.
Sara: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Grandma was high?
Greg: Yeah.
Sara: Grandma was high?
Greg: As a kite.

Warrick: [on seeing Doc Robbins yawn] What's the matter Doc, you been hitting it a little too hard?
Dr. Robbins: No, canine-induced insomnia. I'm fostering some puppies. Jack Russells. Had me up all night. How 'bout a puppy to keep you company?
Warrick: No, if I stay up all night, it's not going to be because of a puppy.

Julie: Hey, you the great thing about IUD's?
D.B. Russell: Besides the obvious?
Julie: [Undisturbed] They have serial numbers!

Nick: Too bad for him, the hero only wins in comic books

Catherine: Tough shift.
Greg: You did say "shift", right?

[about a hit and run case]
Catherine: All we got is some paint that's going to match about twenty million other vehicles.
Warrick: Yeah.
Catherine: Bastard.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [about Tammy Felton] Dr. Kane, this girl was kidnapped at age four. Would she have any recollection of her prior life?
Dr. Philip Kane: The theory of infantile amnesia suggests that we have no cognitive memory before the age of three but since Tammy or Melissa was taken from her biological parents at age four, she may remember something of her former life.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: But these memories would be tenuous?
Dr. Philip Kane: A sound or a smell might awaken some latent image or feeling but she'd have difficulty contextualizing these sensations.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: That's got to be frustrating.
Dr. Philip Kane: And it's precisely that frustration which dominates this woman's present state of mind. Kidnapped children at that age tend to exhibit some degree of sociopathy as adults.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Such as?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Inability to feel guilt, compassion or love, right?
Dr. Philip Kane: Correct. But the most defining characteristic is their instinct for survival. There's nothing that they won't do.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Tammy Felton needs help. She may be a suspect, but she's also a victim.

Horatio: Detweiler, I know you want to impress your boss, but there's an innocent man on that boat. Now, if you take this shot, I'm going to be in your grille for the rest of your natural life. I want you to think about what that might be like. Think about that.
[after a moment of decision, Detweiler stands down]
Horatio: Thank you. Speed, the Corwins have a jet. Find the jet. Call the FAA, and ground the jet by the authority of Miami-Dade County.

Warrick: So both of Ray's wives end up dead at the bottom of the stairs with lacerations to the head.
Al: If my full autopsy confirms murder, you may be looking at the first serial stairway killer.

Lacey: Cruella made me wear underwear today. Nobody makes me wear underwear.
Valerie: [pulling a buccal swab from Greg's kit] I'll do you if you do me.
Sara: They did not!

Catherine: I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say they're hiding something.

Nick: You know, when I was 16, I begged my mom for a car. Swore she'd come through.
Sara: What happened?
Nick: Encyclopedia Britannica.

Nick: [to Sara after she flirts with Hank] Nothin' like flirting over a DB
[laughs]

Greg: I'm afraid I don't have time for your humour, Ecklie has a multiple, Warrick tells me his home invasion is top of the heap and I'm still backed up with Catherine's no suspect rape. It's like one servant many masters, you know what I'm saying?
Gil: Greg, this is your DNA lab. You are the master. We serve you.
Greg: Your stuff just moved to the top of the pile.

Catherine: Tequila will always remind me of Señor Frog's.
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Which one?
Catherine: Cancun. My honeymoon. My dime.
LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Well, if you ever want to go back, it's on me.
Catherine: Is that a proposal?

Dr. Al Robbins: [discussing findings re: latest victim] Well, Tox detected methamphetamine, sildenafil, and oxycodone.
Catherine: Stimulant, erection, and a painkiller. Party in a pill.
Dr. Al Robbins: Where was that on my wedding night?

Catherine: [to Greg, who's all dressed up] All right, slick. Now what's with the suit?
Greg: Today was my first jury trial.
Catherine: Today ended...
[checks watch]
Catherine: an hour and a half ago.
Greg: Well, maybe I just don't want the day to end.

Al: [Taking pictures of the magnate's dead body] Well, another one for the scrapbook. Boy he looks different without hair, never knew he wore a toupee.

Scott: Like I said, I'd wrestle her off me, but I never, ever, laid a hand on her.
Sara: How 'bout a gun?
[glares at him]
Scott: [looks to Grissom]
[scoffs]
Scott: You have your hands full with her.
Gil: So do you.

Captain: Well at least the driver was sober, I can't say the same about the boatload of high school kids he was driving around town. Listen to the wonderful statements I got, "We go 'errrr... ' Dude goes 'aah'. We go bam. Dude goes 'Waahh'!"

Gil: Did you know that rodents have skeletons with flexible joints?
Dr. Al Robbins: No.
Gil: If they can get their head through something, the rest of their body can contort to fit. They can crawl into spaces as small as a quarter.
Dr. Al Robbins: Lousy varmints.
[on seeing the fried rat, Doc laughs]
Dr. Al Robbins: Bastard hit the main line.

Julie: Cause of death: terminal stupidity.
D.B. Russell: Cause of death: karma. Guy steals house, house kills guy.

Captain: What kind of training do you get to be an operator?
Rollercoaster: Training? I release the brake. I hit the button. It's green and marked "Start".

Henry: I can't even do it in front of my cat.
[Mandy snorts]

Gil: This is a .25 caliber.
Dr. Al Robbins: What, disappointed?
Gil: We found a .22 in the victim's car. This just ruled that out as the murder weapon.
Dr. Al Robbins: So shoot me.

Nick: "Sabbatical" is usually a euphemism for "sayonara." I don't think Grissom's coming back.
Catherine: Why wouldn't he?
Nick: I don't know. He shaved his beard, he's lost a little weight, he's been leaving when shift is over. I think he even took a day off last week.
Catherine: Maybe he's got himself a girlfriend.

Dr. Raymond Langston: [With Hodges in the morgue, reading a tattoo on a dead body] 'Spread the word, I am coming.'
David: And you is gone!

David: I perfected my butterfly technique on chicken breasts. I sauté them in a chardonnay reduction with herbes de provence. Drives women wild. Well, mom. Now say the magic words.
Warrick: Shut up, Hodges?
David: No. "Open sesame."

Sara: If Sven is capable of creating these kinds of 3-D renderings, he definitely could've built that miniature.
Sofia: Son defending the honor of his mother?
Sara: Name that Greek tragedy.

Gil: No victim can ever say we didn't try.

Dr. Al Robbins: She's a natural blonde.
Catherine: [after seeing Grissom looking at her] Why are you looking at me?
Gil: [shakes his head] Sorry.

Al: Botox: the ultimate wrinkle cream.

Gil: [to Ethan] Let me tell you something, Humbert. You're twice the age of these kids, and half of them couldn't find their own ass with a map. You prey on innocent children, concocting God-knows-what from God-knows-where, selling Russian Roulette in a bottle and you think we came all the way out here to bust you for possession, you dumb punk? I'm gonna get you for murder. Cool?

Captain: So I hear you're moving on.
Gil: I am.
Captain: That's too bad.
Gil: We'll stay in touch.
Captain: Sure. Here at barbecue every day 4th of July, we'll go out on the boat.
Gil: You've got a boat?
Captain: No.

Gil: [Gil has found a dead body in a graveyard full of broken neon signs] I'm looking for a sign.

Captain: Who's this guy knitting an imaginary sweater? How's he know when it's finished?
Gil: His brain tells him that what he's doing is real. He has no reason to doubt it.
Captain: Or any desire to.

Greg: [about the scent from one of the paramedics' shoes] Whew! Did you ever hear of Odor Eaters?

Gil: [the group is re-enacting a fight on a plane, and Grissom is giving everyone their roles] Catherine, you will be playing Dr. Behrle.
Catherine: Single mom. What an imagination you have.

Sara: [about a murdered teenage girl] It's a cheerleader. She had to have good lungs. How come nobody heard her scream?

CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: [to the media] Let me tell you something. People are presumed innocent... . innocent until a court of law can examine all the evidence and prove otherwise. Until then everything else is gossip.

Gil: [reading an obese victim's shirt] "735"?
Captain: His goal weight?

Hodges: Anytime you need a sniffer to detect it, my nose has the cyanide gene.
Gil: What gene turned your nose brown?

Lana: [about Joey's father] I only know his first name. Evan. But Christina referred to him as "the jerk".

Catherine: D.A. just got the call. Tom's manager hired Marjorie Westcott to defend him.
Nick: Soundbite Westcott?
Catherine: Guilty, rich client, high-profile case it's right up her alley. Publicity for her new cable show.
Gil: Forget about who's involved. We do this like we do any other case.

Sara: You didn't beep me for a magic trick.
Greg: Swami doesn't do magic tricks, Swami is here to reveal all your DNA secrets
Sara: I'm very busy Greg.

Catherine: Mr. Tombs...
Tavian: You better have a good reason for being here.
Warrick: We're here to find your son.
Catherine: We're with the crime lab and I'm assuming that that's our ransom note.
Tavian: It's my note, my kid, my show.
Warrick: Look, I've seen you take out three guys on the glass and still finish. I'm not here to bang boards with you. I'm here to do my job. It's your son. It's your call.

Catherine: [to Sara] So you're calling it?
Sara: I got two liars and no murder weapon... and no choice. I'm going to nail the singer on child endangerment and fleeing the scene and the dealer goes up on possession for sale.
Catherine: What a great bedtime story for my little girl.
Sara: Cath, I did my best.

[a body has been found in an ice machine and the CSI team is about to collect the ice]
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: We have to do this quickly, its 100 degrees outside and our crime scene is melting.

Sara: Arrive as a couple, leave as a couple.
Gil: No photos, no video.
Sara: No affairs.
Gil: And the kids must never know.

Sara: [walking in on Warrick and Nick changing]
[to Warrick]
Sara: Fine suit.
Sara: [to Nick without any shirt on] And, well, just fine.

Captain: Well I check the front pocket, no ID.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Back pockets?
Captain: I was leaving that to you.

Greg: Normally I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but, uh, Mr. Newman's sperm had company. Bad company.
[hands Grissom the DNA test results]
Greg: Look at D-7. Three alleles.
Gil: Genetics only gives you one from each parent.
Greg: Which can only mean one thing: menage d'allele.
Nick: She was cheating on her husband.

Al: Women are 4 times more likely than men to be the victims of a sex related murder, and men are 10 times more likely than women to be the murderer. It's just the way it is.

Sara: I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you're tried as an adult.
Ashley: Good luck. I dress up real nice. Couple barrettes, little lace collar, two dead parents. I'll be the saddest little girl in the world.

Nick: [pointing to his fingers] Want my theory? This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went home, and this little piggy had China.

Catherine: Okay, come on, Jim. Give it up. I know you know something about Grissom and Lady Heather.
Captain: I know something a lot juicier than Grissom and Lady Heather.

[Grissom finds compromising photos of teenaged Jody Bradley]
Nick: Sometimes I hate this job.

Catherine: [to Sara] How's the little girl?
Sara: Uh, well, the shrink said she's in a catatonic state as a result of trauma. I could have told you that. Oh, but she did respond to the name "buffalo."
Gil: Respond how?
Sara: She freaked out.
Gil: And, what are doing about that now?
Sara: Going back to the girl. She's out in the car. The windows are cracked. Hey, give me a little credit. She's at the hospital.

Greg: I, am a genius.
Warrick: Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?
Greg: No.
Gil: You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?
Greg: No.
Warrick: You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?
Greg: No.

[first lines]
Chief: Local homeowner called it in early. We got it contained pretty quick. We were lucky.
Gil: [about charred body] Luckier than he was. Low humidity, dry brush. Perfect conditions for maximum damage.
Chief: Firebugs listen to the weather reports just like we do. Only for different reasons.
Sara: Maybe some moron just threw a cigarette out the car window.
Chief: You're an optimist.

Nick: Warrick couldn't investigate Gedda himself, so he had the P.I do it for him. Archie tracked down thousands of photos, soundbyte files, videos. Everything's connected to Lou Gedda. I think Gedda caught Harper spying on him, killed him and had the mortician put the body in the double-decker casket.
Gil: [dials Warrick's phone, but it goes straight to voicemail] Warrick, call me. Now!
[hangs up the phone and turns to Nick]
Gil: Anybody hears from him, I wanna know.

Greg: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." A dame was dead, but enough about her. The air was hot and heavy with wrong, making me thirsty, thirsty for a tall drink of water. That's when I saw her: a flower, but not the kind you pin on a lapel. She was long-stemmed.
Sara: All right, Raymond Chandler, we get it.
Greg: Those weren't just Miracle bras. They were creating four Wonders of the World.

Catherine: Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life.
Gil: I admire that.

Sara: [to Catherine] What the hell are you doing? Do you know where you're at right now?
Catherine: I've been here a lot longer than you...
Sara: And you should know better.
Catherine: And I wouldn't have to be here if you were doing your job properly.
Sara: There is a difference between me doing my job and you wanting to do it for me. You don't want to get the job done. What you want right now, is revenge.
Catherine: You're going to tell me what I want, huh?
Sara: Go home, Catherine. Be with your daughter. She's the one that needs you.
[walks away]

Al: [to Grissom about baby Zachary] I can't give you exact time of death, but I do know cause of death was asphyxiation.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: He was smothered.
Al: [nods] The retinal hemorrhages are the result of intercranial pressure from an edema. The edema was caused by an acute lack of oxygen.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Smothered how? Did you find hand marks? Trauma around the mouth or nose?
Al: No.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: He was in a blanket when I found him... wrapped pretty tight.
Al: Positional asphyxiation? Maybe. Abductor might've tried to protect him from the cold. Suffocated him by mistake. I'm going to run tests on a microscopic fiber I found in his throat. But I don't think his death was benign, Gil or accidental. Sternum was cracked. X rays say the fracture is fresh. Manhandled and suffocated. This little guy didn't have a chance.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: A wife kills her baby to get back at her husband over his affair. Come on. Any woman would go after the husband, not the baby.
Dr. Philip Kane: True, but in some instances, women have been known to kill their children as a way to pay back a spouse particularly if it's over an affair and particularly if the child was a male child.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Well, I don't buy it. I just don't buy it, doctor. She really loved that baby.
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, Catherine, that's why she's in this much pain now.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: A guy cheats, but the wife commits murder. How come moms always end up the bad guy with you Freud types?
Captain: That's because this mother is the bad guy.

Nick: [to Grissom] How you doing over there?
Gil: I got scat.
Nick: Feces?
Gil: Yep.
Nick: Under the fingernail?
Gil: Yep.
Nick: He wiped his own ass?
Gil: [chuckles] No, Nick, it's not human. It's scat. Could be from a bat.
Nick: Bat scat.
Gil: Bat guano.

Dr. Al Robbins: What is it about organized sports?
Gil: Well, organized sports is the paradigmatic model of a just society... Everyone knows the same language, everyone knows the rules, and there's a specific punishment handed out the moment someone tries to cheat. It's instant morality.

Gil: Teams, Conrad? I didn't know this was a competition.
Conrad: Well, it is, and my crew usually wins.
Gil: Really? Didn't graveyard beat day shift in softball last summer?
Conrad: You know, you can joke all you want. It's your ass on the line.
Gil: I think it was 14-3.
Conrad: Like I said, it's all about results. And, if you don't get them, I will.

Valerie: Sweetheart, I've had so many martinis I'm both shaken and stirred.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [about the victim] Somebody wanted her dead.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: They also wanted her ugly.

[Grissom walks in]
Henry: Why did the fly fly?
Gil: Because the spider spied her.
[pause]
Gil: Catherine's daughter told me that when she was three.

[approaching a club]
Guard: Twenty-five dollars. Each.
Captain: [pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.

Gil: Okay, if there were any other suspect, what would be our conclusion?
[everyone is silent for a long moment]
Greg: That he did it.
Gil: Which is what Warrick told Internal Affairs.
Catherine: He confessed?
Gil: No, but he didn't deny it. He says that he can't remember.
Greg: Yeah, we've all heard that one before.
Nick: What's that supposed to mean?
Greg: It's not supposed to mean anything. We're just talking.
Nick: Well, we can't just sit here and watch him go down.
Catherine: We're not going to. He asked for a lawyer, and we're going to get him a shark.
Greg: The only thing that a jury is gonna see is a rogue cop with a vendetta. I've been there before. They're gonna crucify him.

Calleigh: You can spot a Glock cartridge from a block away: rectangular firing pin impression, breach face shear. This casing's no Glock. It isn't your Chief's weapon.
Warrick: [holding up an evidence baggie] Well, whoever this guy is, he's a lousy shot.
Calleigh: Five casings, no hits.

Gil: I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies.

Raymond: Listen up! I want your sneakers! I want your jumps! I want your DNA! I wanna see your hands! I wanna see your eyes! This man you killed was a cop so there will be consequences! Prison will not protect you!

David: I was just having the greatest dream.
Warrick: You were out.
David: It was the 80's and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the "Miami Vice" stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it.

Gil: [to Sara] I need you to transport the little girl to the police department. Brass is waiting for you.
Sara: You're kidding me, right? I'm a taxi service on the biggest case of the year?
Gil: Sara... I need one of us with that little girl.

Morgan: Well, this is where the impossible becomes possible

Lady: Do you like my lipstick?
Gil: Why?
Lady: You've been staring at my lips.
Gil: You have very lovely lips.
[Brass looks back between the two and then goes back to processing]

[while processing the boxing ring, Sara comes across the spit bucket filled with blood and saliva; she turns to Warrick with a tight smile on her face]
Warrick: What's so funny?
Sara: Smiling suppresses the gag reflex.
Warrick: This is coming from the same woman who processed fecal fat from a ruptured colon.
Sara: Every crim has a problem area. Mine is saliva.

Sara: There was another guy in that room. That's, that's great. The defense has us moving so fast we can't make sense of our own evidence.
Gil: That's what they want.

Female: I'm sorry; you can't just walk in here!
Julie: This badge says that I can!

Catherine: So I've got the phone, a key, but no purse.
Nick: Mugging?
Catherine: Take the purse, leave the Lex?

Greg: Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?
Catherine: Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.

Dr. Mona Lavelle: I attended Vern's surgery. He was... terrified. I tried to calm him.
Jim: Can't get any calmer than dead.

Sara: You know what pisses me off?
Nick: Lots of things.

Gil: Can you smell that?
Dr. Al Robbins: Yes.
Gil: You shouldn't be able to smell that though your suit.
Dr. Al Robbins: Good to know.

Warrick: So you don't have any results from the metallic trace on the garage floor
David: But I will. That's the beauty of me

David: Car trouble?
Henry: Yeah, no kidding. This ruins my whole lunch break and I had things to do!
David: You know, Henry, maybe you should stay out of parking garages. Bad things seem to happen to you there.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: [to Grissom] You're not running evidence. Or have you changed your mind?
[Grissom doesn't say anything]
Dr. Phillip Gerard: By the way, tell your mother I say 'Hello' next time you talk. I was so impressed that night we all had dinner. The sign language... how you interpreted for her. Fluid, didn't miss a beat.
Gil: What'd you do, subpoena my doctor?
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Knowing your genetic predisposition for hearing loss?
Gil: You've become a bottom feeder, Philip.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Your work is dependent upon your five senses. The fact that you're losing one of yours wouldn't bode well for any evidence you introduced.
Gil: You know, all those years I worked for you, you never got to know me at all, did you?

Gil: Did you enjoy being in the field?
Greg: You heard about it too?
Gil: What?
Greg: That I... messed up.
Gil: No.
Greg: Well, then I enjoyed it fine.

Catherine: Well, in addition to exchanging bodily fluids, did you exchange gifts?

Riley: What's bugging you?
Gil: This is the second case of rapid onset rigor mortis we've had in the last 24 hours.
Riley: That's pretty weird.
Gil: Even for Vegas.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: You thought it would be easier for her to accept your death than your abandonment?
Mrs. Bradford: Please don't judge me. I spent enough time doing that
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: I'm just trying to find out who killed your son
Mrs. Bradford: I haven't seen him either for seven years. I wouldn't have any idea
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: You know Mrs. Bradford, your daughter is all alone now. It's not too late for you to go back to her
Mrs. Bradford: And tell her what? That I faked my death to escape from her? How do you say that to your own flesh and blood?

Nick: [after the body of a deceased woman is found in a storage unit] Catherine.
Catherine: Yeah?
Nick: What do you think went on here?
Catherine: Someone outsourced their health care to the wrong provider.

Catherine: The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just... kinda... sucks.

Lady: I told my little girl something when I thought she was old enough to hear it. I said, "Honey, you can give a man a lot of things. You can give him your time, your money, even your heart. But the one thing you can never ever let go of is your power." You have to be able to walk away at any time.

Greg: Hey Grissom, when you went to college did you live in the dorms?
Gil: Surely, you jest.
[Sara laughs]
Sara: You know they say a BA is worth a million dollars of extra income over your life.
Gil: Yeah but the present value of college tuition is about the same amount.
Greg: So you're saying college isn't worth the expense?
Gil: I guess it depends on what you learn.

Hodges: You know what makes bones glow?
Greg: Love?

Greg: [spoken while Grissom is looking under a microscope] That's the hair from the spare bedroom.
Gil: There's an oily film on the surface of the hair.
Greg: Propylene glycol. Active ingredient in Rogaine, for male pattern baldness. Personally, I don't use the stuff, but my grandfather Papa Olaf - he was Bruce Willis at age sixteen. Lucky for me, baldness comes from the mother's side, so I'm safe...
Gil: [interrupting] Greg, please, I'm very tired.
Greg: Well, maybe the guy we're looking for is going bald... or trying not to. According to Papa Olaf, a lot of guys who use Rogaine also use Propecia, kind of like a cocktail. I ran the hair through MassSpec. I got four peaks - ethyl alcohol, propylene glycol, minoxidil, and finasteride.
Gil: Finasteride, the chemical name for Propecia.
Greg: But wait, there's more, and it's a family secret. Sexual. Happens in less than two percent of users.
[whispering]
Greg: Papa Olaf was one of those people that needed hydraulics.

Julie: Look, I know you wanted to see me. So, let me guess: two week suspension, with pay, pending outcome of IE investigation
D.B. Russell: No, you're not gonna be suspended, Jules. A matter of fact, you probably gonna get a medal!

Warrick: Oh, you're only agreeing with Sara's theory because you have a crush on her.
David: No, that's why I wore a clean coat.

Gil: Hi beetle!

Catherine: Oh, and Nick?
Nick: Yeah?
Catherine: When you find the car...
Nick: Yeah, I know, check the trunk.

Hodges: I've stopped trying to figure out people.
Sara: Smart idea.
Hodges: I know.

Captain: [to Earl Simmonds] So what do you do at night?
Earl: Day, night. It don't make no difference. I think.
Captain: About what?
Earl: Bitches.

Sara: You know what? I am done with the Ashley pity-party.

Catherine: Now tell me, why are we here?
Gil: Because this is the only place within 10 miles of Caulville Bay that serves Calamari.
Catherine: And you know this because...?
Gil: I come here for calamari.
Catherine: Alone?
Gil: No. Sometimes I have a beer with it.

[Robbins takes a camera out to snap photos of dead Julian Harper]
Warrick: What are you doing?
Dr. Al Robbins: It's for my scrapbook. I've got a perfect spot for him: A place of honor between Tupac and Entwistle.

Jeremiah: [to Nick and Warrick] Y'all think you're all cops? Y'all ain't cops.
Nick: [takes his gun out and points it at Jeremiah] That's right. We're not cops. We're mad scientists.

[Raymond Langston is moving towards a toilet stall]
Catherine: Ray I know you're not doing what it looks like you're doing so... what are you doing?
Raymond: This man lost more than an arm. The stoner outside said a big red hulk did this. Maybe he was right.

Catherine: Did you ever play politics?
Gil: I once ran for president of the science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.
Catherine: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.
Gil: I'm not any good at politics. And it's cost me. It's how I lost Nick and Warrick.
Catherine: Your loss was my gain.
Gil: Yeah. And at least they're in good hands.

Catherine: So you slept through the whole thing and woke up next to a dead body?

Gil: I owe you an apology.
Lady: Apologies are just words.

Sara: I'm not anti-wedding. I'm just anti-stupid.

Dr. Valerie Dino: I don't see what you hope to accomplish. These patients are criminals with severe mental disorders. They're not going to give you a straight answer.
Captain: No one ever does.

Sara: [laying in bed watching Godzilla together] I always feel sorry for the monster.
Gil: Then you better turn it off before they use the oxygen destroyer on him.

Catherine: [to Hodges] Don't tell me you're tired of the field already.
Hodges: No, I had to catch up on my Perez Hilton.
Catherine: I take it you're not going to pull a Sanders, then?
Hodges: Let's see: clean friendly lab, bullet strewn-urine soaked street? That's a tough call.

Captain: Lawyer by day, dominatrix by night. Similar skill sets.

Gil: [to Nick] It'll be back to normal in 24 hours.
Nick: Normal would be nice.

Catherine: Pig and the piglets are in the pigpen.
Warrick: About time. Finally some good news.
Catherine: Did you know Pig, a.k.a Cole Tritt, was the only adult? The rest were all under 18. One was 14.
Warrick: You're kidding. Who raises these kids?
Catherine: I mean, they weren't all delinquents. Demetrius James was a college student.
Nick: Hangin' out with the wrong crowd in the wrong town. I'm tellin' ya, havin' a fake I.D in Las Vegas is like havin' a - a free ticket on the hell train. Sex, drugs, gambling, no adult supervision, 24/7, by the time they're 21 they've done and seen it all.
Catherine: Make me slit my wrists why don't ya? I'm raising a teenager here.
Warrick: Ah, you're doin' a great job, Linds is gonna turn out to be a beautiful young woman. Besides, I grew up in Vegas, I didn't turn out so bad, did I?
Nick: Yeah. That was pre-Mirage. Back when you were goin' to the casino, playin' the arcade games. Nah, Vegas is a different animal now.
Warrick: Yeah, these kids need to beat people up in the street to be entertained. They need some good discipline, they need their grandmother whuppin' their ass like I had.
Nick: Yeah, a good slap.
Sara: You know, it kinda sounds like you guys are blaming everyone but these kids. I mean, you don't get a bye just because you grew up here or your parents are on drugs or - - those kids were perfectly capable of telling the difference between a wild night out and beating somebody to death.
Gil: The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction, it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore. And unfortunately this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. "Do whatever you want, we won't tell." So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone. And evidently you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Detective: Homicide called you guys over an hour ago. 4-19 at the Tangiers. No one's responded. Not even the coroner... Both shifts are tapped.
Conrad: Did you check
Detective: [interrupts] I checked the board. No one's available
[pause]
Detective: except for you.
Conrad: I'm the Assistant Lab Director.
Detective: I know. But you're still qualified to process a scene, right?
Conrad: Yes, I am.
[unwillingly]
Conrad: I'll dust off my kit. Meet you there.

IA: [to Warwick] You get Holly killed, you get Joanna killed and you just can't take anymore so you kill Gedda. That's how jury's gonna see it.
Warrick: There's nothing that I can do about that.
IA: Sure there is. Look, Lou Gedda was a slime ball. That's common knowledge. Nobody is gonna miss him. In fact, the world is arguably a better place without him.
Warrick: So if I admit to killing him, they'll take it easy on me and you're just trying to help me out, right? You know how many times I used that on a suspect? Don't waste your game, pal.

Atty. Marjorie Westcott: [to Sara] You date... you and Hank. You share a subtle communication. Did he move the bra to where you might have wanted it?
Sara: I didn't want it anywhere. I collect evidence without emotion.
Atty. Marjorie Westcott: You do get emotionally involved, though with the men on your cases. Hank Peddigrew isn't the first time.
Sara: Excuse me?
Atty. Marjorie Westcott: A murder investigation at the residence of one Charles Renteria. Eyewitness stated he saw you and your supervisor Gil Grissom standing alone outside and you were touching him in a romantic gesture.
Sara: I brushed chalk from his face.
Atty. Marjorie Westcott: Is that what they're calling it now?
Prosecutor: Objection, your honor.
Sara: Drywall dust. We were looking for a body.
Atty. Marjorie Westcott: It's a fair question, your honor. Just how far will Ms. Sidle go on the evidence to please her boss, Gil Grissom, whether he returns her attentions or not?

Mia: So, I'm thinking that Trip put a trophy condom on his neighbors door and then transferred a trace of his reproductive material back onto his own doorknob.
Sara: You've uh, you've heard of trophy condoms?
Mia: Sara, I went to college.

Warrick: Looks like ginkwork. It's the kind of thing speed freaks do when they've been up for 10 days straight and they've already taken apart the radio.
Sara: Yeah. I write everything down in shorthand. You couldn't read it.
Warrick: Shorthand?
Sara: Keeps things in order.
Warrick: You're not a control freak or anything?
Sara: [smiles and mumbles] No.

Sara: You could've just back off, let her make the call.
Mickey: I would have lead myself right back to the joint.
Sara: You don't know that.
Mickey: Come on. Who's gonna believe a guy like me?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: A guy like me.

Greg: [to Mia] So would you like to grab a bite later? I know a diner down the street that serves a mean liver and onions.
Mia: I don't eat out.
Greg: Never ever?
Mia: I don't like expectorant.
Greg: Really?
Mia: Kitchen staff talk while they prepare your food and then the wait staff repeats your order over the plate, and by the time you get your meal, there are several DNA samples coating it.
Greg: Wow.
Mia: Yeah. No, thank you.
Mia: I don't eat birthday cake either.
Greg: Oh, blowing out the candles.
Mia: Ugh. Don't get me started.

Horatio: So, how's your colleague Grissom doing on the aroma angle?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: I'm sure he's making progress, but Grissom rarely says anything until he's good and ready.
Horatio: Ah, smart man.

Gil: [after a rollercoaster has derailed] Photograph the scene. Bag and tag all the detritus. Forklift anything bigger than Greg.

Greg: Just remember that my saliva is getting on you and your saliva is getting on me.
Nick: That's gross.

[upon finding an insect on the victim's clothes]
Gil: It's a carpet beetle. It shouldn't be here.
Catherine: The vic seem more like a hardwood floors kind of guy to you?
Gil: Carpet beetles are usually the last to arrive at a corpse, when only found on a body when its near becoming being a skeleton. This guy is still fresh.
[looks up at skeleton hanging from tree, sees other insects on it]
Gil: David! Get this body out of here right now! We've got cross-contamination!

Catherine: [to Nick] What's going on with you?
Nick: I'm on a case.
Catherine: We're on a case.
Nick: Right.

Jim: I'll tell you it's been a banner week for teens and police. Two kids disappear; one we can't find; one may not make it out of surgery and another one ends up dead in custody. I mean, I don't want to make this about me, but I need to know my office is not responsible.

Captain: Why didn't you just tell the truth?
Steven: We wanted to protect Robbie. We didn't want him to grow up with the stigma of "the boy who killed his brother."
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: He's three. He's clinically unaware of his actions. No court would hold him accountable for that.
Steven: But everybody else would know. It would follow him the rest of his life and my wife would rather go to prison than to have anybody know what Robbie did.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Mr. Anderson, we won't let that happen.

Greg: Who keeps a gun in a clay pot?
Hodges: That would be no-one.

Gil: [Grissom to Willows, struggling to remove a dismembered hand caught in a meat grinder] I'm gonna need a hand.

Dr. Al Robbins: She was raped... The attack was brutal.
Gil: Aren't they always? I don't know why people think that rape has anything to do with sex.
Dr. Al Robbins: If a guy just wants sex, he can hire a hooker.

Captain: Hey, Grissom you got something stuck on your shoe.
Gil: [looks]
Captain: Oh, no; it's just Sanders.

Catherine: Grissom... they're beating our heads in. Judge is going to dismiss... you can feel it.
Gil: Don't get ahead of yourself.
Catherine: I'm not ahead of myself. I'm up there front and center taking hits along with the rest of CSI. You know, you've turned into a really lousy leader. I need your help, and you're on the sidelines.

Donna: I don't get what the mystery is here, he was murdered. Some guys collect art, Bruce collected enemies.

Nick: [to Kelly] In a few years, when you get out of here, don't take it with you.

Gil: I just finished your eval.
Catherine: And?
Gil: In the comments section, I noted that if you had my job, these evaluations wouldn't be late.
Catherine: Thank you.

Medic: There is something wrong in the world if all you do is handle test tubes.
Catherine: If you think that's all I handle, you'd be very mistaken.

Nick: [Greg opens a cupboard and pulls out a book] I thought that's where you kept your porn.
Greg: I move it around.

Eric: Someone gonna cover me?
Horatio: I got you.
Catherine: Cover you for what?
Eric: Alligators.

D.B. Russell: What do we know about him?
Julie: He won't return my calls, so he is either a very busy man or he may be hiding something

Detective: Our man Alex James is quite the land owner. According to the mining laws of 1872, public land can still be paten for five dollars an acre, a law which is still in effect. That's all this guy did was buy and sell publicly-owned, government land. Funny thing is, there was one mine that he sold over and over again.
Nick: Now, why would he do that?
Detective: Now, there lies the mystery.

Catherine: Who found her?
Captain: Guy over there in the ten gallon, Vernon Porter. He's the night watchman. All the employees are required to wear that cowboy getup. That's the job cops get after they retire.
Catherine: You've got something to look forward to Jim.
Captain: Yes, Ma'am.

Warrick: What's a photography teacher doing touching a student's van?
Gil: [mock seriously] Maybe she wanted a ride.

Catherine: What do you think?
Warrick: Oh, he's lying. That's why I took this job, I can always tell when a whitey's talking out of his ass. It's a gift.

Gil: [holding up the vibrator he discovered in a dishwasher] Well, cleanliness is next to godliness.

Captain: [to Sara] It's going to be tough to get a warrant.
Sara: I need Marlon West's DNA. If his semen is in Kira Dellinger, it puts him at the murder.
Captain: Look, they had a known sexual relationship, so there's no evidence of rape. And I don't know if you know this, but Marlon's mother and father were killed in a car accident last year. Judge Bowman is going to be very sensitive to that. It could look like harassment.
Sara: Jim, are you going to talk to the judge or not?
Captain: Wow, you really got it out for this kid. What's the deal here, Sara?
Sara: Marlon West has killed before.
Captain: Not according to a jury of his peers.
Sara: Did you have fun talking to Kira Dellinger's parents?
Captain: Excuse me?
Sara: Must've been a lot of screaming and crying and despair.
Captain: Yeah, there usually is. What's your point, Sara?
Sara: My point is, if we had done our job right the first time, Marlon West would be in jail, and Kira Dellinger would still be alive. Talk to the judge.

[Grissom and Willows enter a restaurant to investigate the death of one of its chefs. The hostess stops answering a very busy phone and turns to them]
The: Hi, last name?
Gil: We don't have reservation. We're here...
The: [taking back the phone] Party of four? Three weeks from Thursday? Let me see...
Catherine: Excuse me but you don't understand...
The: [holding up the phone] No, I'm sorry you don't understand. Your walk-in's in a very busy night. We're short a chef.
Catherine: We know. He's dead.
Gil: Not only dead. Dismembered. We're with the crime lab.
The: [putting down the phone] I'll get the owner.

Catherine: Your father ever tell you you were pretty?
Sara: I guess.
Catherine: Did he ever tell you you were smart?
Sara: Yeah.
Catherine: So it probably never occurred to you that you wouldn't be successful. If all you ever hear is that you're gorgeous, you can let everything fall away and leave you in a very dangerous place.

Gil: Greg!
Greg: Yeah.
Gil: Take off your shoes and socks.
Greg: See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.
Gil: Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?
Greg: That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me, "Som man reder sa ligger man".
[pause]
Greg: One must lie in the bed one has made.

Nick: [when finding a dead hunter] Looks like the hunter became the hunted

Gil: Sister, how much do you weigh?
Sister: A hundred and twenty-three pounds.
Gil: It's a question of physics. Charlotte weighed 140 pounds, plus the weight of the cross. You don't weigh enough or have enough strength to have hoisted the body 17 feet into the air.
Sister: It was a miracle.
Jim: The only miracle is I'm not charging you with obstruction.

Sara: [to Catherine] Hey, what's going on?
Catherine: I may have been roofied and raped. I woke up here.
Sara: What?
Catherine: I, uh, improvised my own rape kit. I've got pubic combing, nail scrapings, vaginal swab, urine samples...
Sara: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you call it in?
Catherine: I called you.
Sara: Catherine, doing it yourself is going to make anything that you get inadmissible.
Catherine: Yeah, I know procedure. I didn't want an official investigation. I... I just want to know what happened.
Sara: Okay, all right.
Catherine: Uh... I got to get this, uh, stuff to the lab. Room 229, it's right up there. Please print it, and keep it between us.
Sara: Okay.
Catherine: Thanks.

Gil: It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it "The Killer Orgasm".

Gil: [to Catherine after witnessing a child ignoring her mother] My mother may have been deaf, but she was still the boss.

D.B. Russell: D'ya ever read "The Lady in Cement"?
Nick: What do you think?
D.B. Russell: Great book, so-so movie. Frank Frank Sinatra, Raquel Welch, mob hit, they fitted the lady with cement shoes and threw her in the ocean.

Nick: [while reading a newspaper] McKinley High School Gazette. This is tomorrow's edition with the lead story by editor-in-chief Sabrina Abernathy, entitled "Varsity Hazing Ritual." Now listen to this: "The question is not whether the so-called student athletes should be expelled, but whether or not they should be arrested."
Warrick: Why, what'd they do?
Nick: Apparently, something with several hookers and a lot of testosterone.
Greg: Whatever happened to toilet paper and trees?

Gil: Somebody likes it cold.
Captain: Las Vegas in May plus global warming.

Gil: How are you, Jim? How's your *old* job?
Captain: I can sling scum all day long. You?
Gil: I curse more.

Silver: Namaste, I'm Silver
Jim: Police, I'm Brass

Mia: Nine vibrators, five plugs and four strands of beads.
Greg: And a partridge in a pear tree. Some kids are happy playing in the sandbox, others want every toy in the store. And apparently these are dishwasher safe.
Mia: I'll swab the nooks and crannies for semen and vaginal secreations and epthelials, but don't get your hopes up.
Greg: Oh, my money's on bag number two.
Mia: Twenty-six used condoms.
Greg: Just like being back in college, right?
Mia: Sara said you didn't lose your virginity until you were twenty-two.
[Greg acts like he didn't hear her and goes back to work]

Captain: [Indicating the doorman] Not the only dummy around here!

[Nick checks out a corpse of a young boy on a gurney]
Nick: This kid should be out playing Pop Warner.

Greg: [about a rollercoaster malfunction] Nuts don't just pop off by themselves.

Nick: [to Nick] What did you tell him? His son died a hero?
Nick: Look, I'm just trying to give the guy a little peace, you know?
Sara: Oh, well, who are you trying to help feel better, him or you?
Nick: Hey, let me ask you something, Sara. You're Mr. Young. Would you rather know this much or nothing at all?
Sara: You know, if the evidence doesn't support the answer, a CSI shouldn't be asking that question.
Nick: Well, okay, if that works for you.
Sara: Be careful.

Gil: [When CSU discovers the chat logs on the computer that Amy used] What would you do if you found this on Lindsey's computer?
Catherine: Ground her for life. Take the laptop.
Gil: Lock her in the attic, maybe?
Catherine: Well, you push kids, they push back. Things can get out of hand pretty quick.

Catherine: Hey, Carey, there's blood in your car.
Carey: Yeah, it's, uh, my boy, Scotty. He had a nosebleed.
Sofia: Scotty who?
Carey: Scotty Brittington.
Catherine: Well, it's a hell of a lot of blood for a nosebleed. Looks more consistent with the body of a bloody girl.

Natalie: I'm very sorry for what I did to Sara and to you. My foster father killed himself because of me. I was wrong to blame anybody else for it.
Gil: Is that how you really feel? Or is that how you think that you should feel?
Natalie: I understand if you don't believe me. Psychopathic personalities are very often skilled at mimicking genuine emotion. But I'm truly sorry

[about a yellow diamond ring that Lois O'Neill wore the night her waiter was shot]
Catherine: How apropos that she's named names: the Canary Diamond.
Sara: Wanna bet the birdie sings in the key of GSR?

Greg: [Nick is in the room next door to where the dead body is when Greg finds him] You, uh, do know the crime scene's in the next room. I always look for the yellow tape.

Morgan: So, how is the Blood Whisperer doing with the blood portrait?
Julie: Not so bloody well!

Nick: [interviewing a bartender in alien makeup] Well, there's nothing worse than a bunch of drunk conventioners. Must be hard enough to sling drinks without making you play dress-up.
William: [removes his alien headpiece to reveal extensive facial scarring] How do you like this makeup? Got it on my second tour of Afghanistan. These Astro Questers, they believe in a future where human beings, they transcend their differences. I wouldn't mind living in a world like that.
Nick: [chastened] Yeah, me either.

[last lines]
Catherine: Gil. I'd ask you out for a drink, but under the circumstances, it's, ah...
[Grissom ignores her]
Catherine: OK, how long is this going to go on?
Gil: I don't know, Catherine.
Catherine: Gil, it was an act of omission.
Gil: How many times have we heard a public defender say that?
Catherine: I went out after work. Is it a crime to want a little human contact?
Gil: I guess that's why I don't go out.

Melanie: [after several minutes of Grissom silently observing the interaction between herself and Sara] Does he ever talk?
Sara: Yeah, at, uh, random intervals.

[about an elastic plastic]
Gil: What's it found in?
Hodges: Greg-Sanders-wear.

Sara: You know, when I was in college, I had this boyfriend and I thought we were monogamous. Then one night during the post-coital panty search, he handed a pair of underwear that wasn't mine.
Warrick: Ooh! How'd he explain that one?
Sara: He said they belonged to his sister.
Warrick: Yeah, right. Let's hope your taste in men has improved.
Sara: Yeah.

Marty: [upon seeing a dead body in an arcade machine] Holy Mackerel, Bitch in a box

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [to Gwen] Now I know why you didn't want to hold Robbie when your husband handed him to you outside the police department. I'm very sorry.
Gwen: [sniffles] I always, uh... I always tell them, "gentle, gentle."
[Catherine nods her head]
Gwen: He didn't mean it. I know he didn't mean it.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [shakes her head] Of course he didn't.
Gwen: You must think that we are awful people, all this stuff that's come out.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: You're an average family burdened with a tragedy that put you under a microscope. That close, nobody can look good.

Captain: What's the matter Gil, lost your interest in dead bodies?

Gil: I'm sorry, you look lost.
Sheriff: I've been calling your cell.
Gil: We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.

Conrad: You are a law enforcement officer, and a representative of this city, that means I expect you to conduct yourself in an appropriate manner in and away from this lab.
Catherine: You know what, if this is gonna be one of your "for the good of the lab" speeches, don't bother. I've heard them.
Conrad: Just, take a seat.
[Sara doesn't sit]
Conrad: Willows is a supervisor which means you treat her with respect, insulting her in front of coworkers...
Catherine: She's not my supervisor.
Conrad: ...Alright, your superior. Sara, you berate witnesses, you disrespect the people you work with, you luck your way out of a DUI take a look! You've got a half a dozen complaints in your jacket. And if Grissom *really* documented your performance there'd probably be a dozen more. That's not the kind of person I want in my lab!
Catherine: The only reason this is "your" lab is because Grissom doesn't kiss ass. You couldn't hack it in the field so you fail your way up, you break up our team, and now you just hang out in the hallways waiting for one of us to screw up!
Conrad: Sidle, you're on one week's suspension without pay.
Catherine: Great.
Conrad: And when you get back you're apologizing to Catherine.
Catherine: [frankly and with a smile] No I'm not.

[Nick asks for Hodges' help going through a box of old evidence that has been contaminated by rats]
David: Are you familiar with the hantavirus? Carried by rodents, transmitted to humans when they inhale vapors from contaminated urine, saliva, or feces. That crap will kill you!
Nick: Hodges, glove up.
David: If I start leaking blood from my eyeballs, I'm blaming you.

Gil: Humans have always adapted strategies from insects. Swarming is an ancient military tactic. You surround your enemies, then attack from all directions simultaneously. Alexander the Great pioneered the maneuver 2,000 years ago. Although swarms consist of several individuals, they must be treated as a single entity, which lives, thinks and moves as one, built with an internal logic to continue forward, gain momentum and never backtrack.

Sara: It's always encouraging when public bathrooms are out of soap.
[later]
Sara: Asphyxiated and head bashed in. No soap was the least of his problems.

Captain: [checking the beaten Vic's driver's license] Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.
Grissom: So much for brotherly love.

Nick: [Nick is seen on video feed saying something unheard, possible "I never meant to disappoint you."]
Gil: You never did, Nicky.

Greg: [Grissom and Catherine walk into Greg's lab to see him rocking out to blaring rock and roll music] I could have been a rock star.
Gil: There's still time, Greg. Tell us about the foreign substance we found in the vic's wound track.
Greg: Uh, well, I like to rub it all over a lady's body. Even better... I, uh... like it when she rubs it all over me. And it's also used as a stool softner.
Catherine: It's also the only open lead in our case. Spit it out, Greg.
Greg: Mineral oil.
Gil: Possibly used as a preservative to prevent rusting of high-carbon steel.
Catherine: Like the blades of knives.
Greg: Old knives. New ones are made from stainless steel. Yeah, I'm like a sponge. I just absorb information.
Gil: I thought that was my line.
Greg: Yeah, and I absorbed it.
Catherine: Okay, so... knives, screwdrivers, ice pick, letter opener. We're looking for a weapon with a splash of mineral oil. I'll grab the ALS.
Greg: An ALS. For mineral oil?
Gil: Mineral oil fluoresces at 525 nanometers when filtered through a kv590. A little more absorbing... a little less rock and roll.

Mia: Hey. Want to talk about semen?
Sara: Okay.

Greg: For the record, I really like having a penis.

Jessica: You know what I pictured for this part of my life? Saturday night, leave the kids with grandma, date night with my husband. Instead, I'm stuck home alone with two kids and a 70-year-old infant.

Catherine: [to Daniel Easton] Want to mulligan on your first story? "Divorced"?
Daniel: What the hell was I supposed to say? My wife went out to get her hair done and never came home.
Catherine: Well, maybe you gave her a reason to leave. Spousal abuse, cheating...
Daniel: Aww, you people. You know, you were here 5 years ago with your grid searches, your dogs, your cadets. You came up empty. You give me a good reason why my wife left me, I'd love to hear it because I tried the truth. I didn't know what happened. You know what I got for it? They all think I killed my wife. Her parents sued me for custody. I lost my job, my friends. Only thing I got left are those kids and this house.
Catherine: Okay, you didn't kill her. At least back then.

David: Wow... and I thought Robin Williams had hairy arms.

Warrick: Sex, drugs and movies - The American Dream.

David: [looking at the last pictures on the victims cell phone] Looks like he's having a pretty good time
Nick: Right up until someone ended it

David: It's like the Red Sea in here.
Gil: The Red Sea's not red, David.
David: No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

Gil: Teenage wasteland.
Warrick: Who?
Gil: Yeah!

Cole: Man, there has been an ass whoppin' on every block!
Nick: There's about to be an ass whoppin' on this one

Sophia: If I can't talk to one of my good friends, who can I talk to? My mother? Oh, I forgot, she's a cop too!
Sara: [snippily] I can recommend the department psychologist.

[Grissom wouldn't tell them how he learnt sign language]
Sara: [coming into the room] What was that all about? Grissom signs?
Warrick: What does Grissom drink when he goes out at night?
Sara: He goes out?
Warrick: Exactly. Who knows anything about that guy?

Catherine: [Nick is suspected of murdering Kristy] I think we'd better head over to the police station.
Nick: DNA didn't pan out huh?
Catherine: Never have I seen such a clean match. Jack Willman killed her.
Nick: Thank you.
Catherine: Hey, I'm just doing my job. Besides if they'd sent you to jail I'd get stuck with all your cases.

Sara: [Standing with 3 others in the lab after silently watching a staged flat tire experiment until it has a blowout] Cool.

Wendy: What do you think turned it green?
Hodges: It might be sulfur.
Wendy: Sulfur is a naturally occurring component of blood.
Hodges: But in massive doses, it tends to turn blood a blackish, avocado green. When the sulfur atom attaches to the hemoglobin molecule, it turns green. Which is why First Officer Spock's blood is green in Star Trek.
Wendy: No, it's not.
Hodges: Yes, it is. Trust me, I'm an expert.
Wendy: Well, apparently not, because otherwise you would surely know that the oxidizing agent in Vulcan blood is copper and that is why his blood is green. I mean that and the fact that he had a Vulcan father since his mother was actually human. And furthermore, he was promoted to Captain just prior to Star Trek II and then he retired as a civilian ambassador.
Hodges: You're like a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body.
Wendy: So are you.

[Sofia tells something to Grissom who isn't paying attention to her]
Sofia: [pause] That time I was talking to you.
Gil: Huh?
[turns to her]
Gil: Sorry. I was, uh, treating it like white noise.

Warrick: What ever happened, "To cross the tape, go the distance"?
Catherine: [dials number on cell phone] I was probably saying that to get you to service my needs at the time.
Catherine: [Sara answers]
[still half asleep]
Catherine: Hello.
Catherine: Hey Sara you sleepin'?
Sara: [sighs] Yeah.
Catherine: Aww...

Sara: What's that smell?
Nick: I'm nuking a burrito.
Sara: Mmm. Junk food and radiation. Good combo.

Sara: I checked with Homicide again. They found no evidence of foul play.
Warrick: What about the husband, is he still a suspect?
Sara: No motive. O'Riley spoke with friends and relatives. They were a loving couple.
Warrick: What about, uh... life insurance policies?
Sara: No, and you're reaching.
Warrick: I'm not the one who's reaching here.
Sara: We're scientists, right? We want answers, the satisfaction of certainty. I'm not ignoring scientific method. I'm just keeping an open mind. If we eliminate all the alternatives, we're left with spontaneous combustion. That's exciting!
Warrick: That would be cool, but you've been jumping to conclusions from minute one.
Sara: She's a pile of ash.

[Nick is complaining about not being able to get a warrant for a search]
Gil: You're a grown man, Nick. Stop whining.

Gil: I know, Pink Floyd's not your thing.
Gina: I have on cowboy boots. I work in a lab. What makes you think The Dark Side of the Moon synched to the Wizard of Oz is gonna warm my damn barn?
Gil: I just thought it'd be something different.
Gina: Wanna be different? Pin me up against a wall and lay one on me like you mean it.

David: [as he arrives at the crime scene] Sorry, got held up at the "meet the future in-laws" dinner.
Sara: Did they love you?
David: I got a little too excited talking about work. They stopped eating.
Sara: Oh.

Greg: I would never doubt your word.
Catherine: Smart man.

Warrick: Diet shake, fitness magazines, cookie crumbs on a baking sheet. This guy's trying to start a diet or falling off one?

Detective: What are we expecting to find here?
Dr. Al Robbins: Someone went to a lot of trouble to steal James Billmeyer, maybe there's a clue in his personal effects.
Detective: So you're a CSI now?
Dr. Al Robbins: If I were, I would have printed the cooler.

Morgan: We need to take a look at your membership records from 2004, specifically the members who had tags to hunt elk
Randy: [laughing] Elk pressing charges these days?
Sara: We're investigating a murder of a family slot to death on Mount Charleston
Randy: We hunt animals! Not human beings
Sara: Yeah? Well, some people can't tell the difference

Jessie: [When Nick and Brass find Dollar gagged and locked inside of a trunk in the back of his car] Where we at, man?
Jim: You're outside your hotel, sir.
Nick: Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of there and get you medical attention.
Jessie: Man, is you crazy? Look what I got on. I got all these people around here, the press. Man, let me know when we get to the hospital, man.
[grabs the trunk cover and closes it over himself]
Jim: [shrugs] He's got a point.

[Cath is a former stripper]
Greg: So, the French Palace, huh?
Catherine: Yup.
Greg: You know, my friends and I used to go there. Payday Fridays.
Catherine: Uh-huh.
Greg: Maybe I saw you perform.
Catherine: Oh, I doubt it.
Greg: Why?
Catherine: You would've remembered.

Catherine: [to Amy] Staff tells me that you've already gone through the SAE kit.
Amy: They tell you I'm all banged up inside?
Catherine: Not in those words.

David: [Walks in as Grissom is cleaning out his office] Okay. So this is really real. Fine. So, as your friend and colleague I feel that it is my obligation to inform you what a colossal mistake you're making. Grissom:
Gil: Hodges...
David: Guys like us just don't get to hang it up. This job is who we are. We are the thin blue line between order and chaos. You take yourself out of the equation, who knows what's gonna happen. That's the Butterfly Effect. You taught me that. The bad guys will win more if we don't have you. Who is Watson without Sherlock Holmes?
Gil: Watson was a genius in his own right... It's the right time for me to go.
David: Okay.

Catherine: [Referring to faking a crime scene] I'm not used to faking it.
Michael: [Smirking] When was the last time you had to?

Captain: He'll only talk to one person
Nick: Who?
David: Me? Last time I saw him, I scared him!
Morgan: He said he wanna to talk to, and I quote: 'The Funny Science Man'
David: A compliment, I suppose

Nick: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil: Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.

Joe: What kind of trouble are they in?
Captain: The kind where you stop breathing.

Mark: This is all your fault.
Gil: I hope so.

Gil: A Harvard professor conducting an experiment asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game and count the number of times the ball was passed.
Captain: Yeah, groundbreaking.
Gil: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterwards the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "What gorilla?"
Captain: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Maybe they went through the room after they killed her.
Sara: There's nothing particularly valuable here.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: [Looking sadly at the dead elderly woman] There used to be.

Catherine: Why is there a ring on your ring finger?
Warrick: Because I'm married.
Catherine: What?
Detective: Congratulations. How much did you pay her?

Nick: [about Mark Young] This was an accident, Sara. He was trying to save her.
Sara: That's a great theory, but we can't prove that.
Nick: Twenty-six feet under with a busted eardrum? If not to save her, why dive that deep?
Sara: I don't know. Case is over.
Nick: Almost over.

Catherine: [to Carla Dantini] So this is everything that you wore at the carnival last night?
Carla: Yes.
Catherine: [picks up Carla's watch] Your watch is waterlogged.
Carla: Yes. I went into the water after my daughter.
Sara: So, you jumped in the water.
Carla: Yes.
Catherine: How come your shoes are dry?
Carla: Well... it was yesterday. Of course they're dry.
Catherine: The lining's blue. If they'd gotten wet, the indigo dye would have bled onto your white socks.
Sara: You never went in the water.
Catherine: If you didn't go into the water, how did your watch get wet?
Carla: [sounding nervous] Like I told her, reaching for my daughter.
Catherine: You reached for her all right. To hold her under.

[about a decapitation case]
Catherine: Definitely a crime of passion.
Gil: You think a female did this?
Catherine: I could have.
Gil: Scared of you.

Gil: He's wearing a wig... and a fat suit. Is it Halloween?
Catherine: In this town, it's always Halloween.

Detective: Two pairs of socks, two pairs of underwear, two T-shirts. That tells me the guy was going to be staying in Vegas for two days.
Dr. Al Robbins: Your powers of deduction are remarkable, detective.
Detective: Thank you.

Suzy: Hi, Max!
Max: [Max tries to hide his face from Suzy, behind a piece of paper money] Hi... Suzy.
[sighs]
Captain: [sarcastic high pitch] Hi, Max!

Sara: I'm a slow sucker.
[responding to Nick's remark on her seemingly long-lasting cough drop]

Gil: Alicia's cause of death?
Dr. Al Robbins: Cardiopulmonary arrest.
Gil: Time of death?
Dr. Al Robbins: That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8:00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.
Gil: Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.
Dr. Al Robbins: Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.

Gil: You wanted to work solo.
Nick: Yeah, but it's like Night of the Pifflings out there and I'm on a smash and grab.
Gil: Pifflings?
Nick: Puffin offspring. First time out of the nest every year they crash land in this town near Iceland because they are attracted to the lights of human civilization. It's the same way people flock to Vegas for a fight.
[For a moment, GRISSOM stares a NICK. Then his face lights up as though he's finally figured it out]
Gil: Animal Planet.
[GRISSOM turns and walks down the hallway]
Nick: [calls out] How come when you talk about bugs everyone says you're a genius but when I talk about birds everyone says I watch too much television?
Gil: I don't know. Look, the next night of the pifflings you get the first dead body.

Sara: Hodges is working on something
D.B. Russell: That's news to me
Sara: Well, you know how he is
Julie: What does he have?
Sara: All he would tell me is that the strings from the crime scene are starting to sing to him
Julie: That's very helpful

Gil: [to Susan Hillridge] You said that you were a doctor. May I ask your specialty?
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Nutrition. My patients are mostly professional athletes.
Gil: Do you ever consult with amateur athletes? Like marathoners?
Dr. Susan Hillridge: You mean like that jogger? What was his name?
Gil: Terry Manning.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Doesn't ring a bell. And I'm very good with names, Mr. Grissom.

Gil: You've still got to convince a jury.
Sara: On bullets. It's got to be better than bugs.
[Grissom looks at her]
Sara: Less Latin.

Nick: Well, it doesn't look like he is going to make that 3.10 train to Yuma, he super Greg?
Greg: Let's say he has caught his last ride

Catherine: [arriving at a crime scene where the body is propped up in an upright position] She forget to fall down?

Sara: Do you want to have dinner with me?
Gil: No.
Sara: Come on, let's go to dinner... let's see what happens.
Gil: Sara... I... don't know what to do about this.
Sara: I do. And when you finally figure it out, it might be too late.

Catherine: Mrs. Abernathy, did your daughter have attention deficit disorder?
Jessica: Sabrina? No. That girl had the focus like you can't believe.
Catherine: Well, we found Ritalin in her system, and as I'm sure you're aware, ritalin is used to treat kids with ADD, but acts as a stimulant in older kids and adults. Teens use it as an upper.
Jessica: So, Sabrina was taking drugs?
Catherine: As were you. Valium.
Jessica: Fair enough. You know, Sabrina used to scream at me, "I can't wait till I'm old enough to move out of here." And I would scream back, "Yeah, me either." What kind of mother says that to her kid?
Catherine: One with a teenage daughter.

Sara: [to Ashley] You're not a victim. You were a lure. Do you know how many people don't report a rape because they're afraid that no one will believe them?
Ashley: Of course. That's what I was counting on.

Wendy: Well, we're working under the assumption that the killer was a foster kid, right? With probably an abusive childhood, so, a bloody baby doll. I mean, it's really not much of a stretch to say the doll represents the killer.
Hodges: Grissom had something on that.
[opens case file]
Hodges: "Freud's theory on the uncanny raises the point that as children we want the doll to come to life. But as adults, we are terrified by the idea. The doll could represent the uncanny that is feared. The Sandman."
Wendy: Right, or exactly what I just said.

Clyde: You know the definition of "kismet," Mr. Grissom?
Gil: Do you know the definition of "attempted murder", Mr. Hinton?

Catherine: You know, every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?
Sara: Yeah, I probably do, and you let your sexuality cloud your judgment about men, and I'm gonna go over your head.

Gil: Mister Willoughby, would you mind if I fingerprint your spigot?
Mr. Willoughby: No one's ever asked me that before.

D.B. Russell: [about 2 options to investigate] Your pick!
Greg: Needle in a haystack or the impossible jigsaw
D.B. Russell: Why don't you take the easy one?
Greg: Which one is that?
[DB grins and walks away]

Archie: I found this on Anders' computer.
Nick: What is this, a video game?
Archie: No, it's actually an FRPG: "Fantasy role-playing game." You see, players use avatars to represent themselves in a fantasy world. There's Serena, Todd and Kwan in this alternate universe conjuring up a gateway which summons a beast-like Anders who decapitates Kwan.
Nick: You know a lot about this stuff, don't you?
Archie: Mm-hmm.
Nick: You got to get a girlfriend.

Preston: China was sucking the life out of me. She deserved none of what she wanted and all of what she got in the end. I'm glad it took a long time for her to die. I can only imagine the pain.
Captain: You know, everytime I think about leaving this job, a guy like you comes along and reminds me why I can't.

IA: [as he lays out photos in front of Warrick] Your gun with blood tissue and hair at the scene. Your cuffs, on the vic. You covered in blood. You went to Pigalle to get revenge by giving Lou Gedda a taste of his own medicine. You're a CSI, what's the evidence telling you?
Warrick: [pauses] The evidence is... is suggesting that I did it.

Catherine: Caught in the act.
Gil: I think that was the point.
Catherine: Oh, yeah.

[Sara walks out to find Grissom pacing furiously]
Gil: Ninety-five.
Sara: Excuse me?
Gil: Normally my pulse is seventy, when it gets to ninety-five, I realize just how mad I am. I have ten people working around the clock on this!
Sara: You're too hard on yourself.
Gil: No, I'm not mad at *me*. There's a body in there and that guy knows where it is.
Sara: So what's your pulse at now?

Greg: So... what's the pot up to?
Nick: We don't bet on cases.
Greg: Ah. Of course you don't. So who's winning?
Nick: I am.
Greg: Fiends.

Dr. Phillip Gerard: Gil, good work.
Gil: My team did it, Philip. I got good CSI's.
[signs to Gerard]
Gil: Oh, and, uh, my mother says hello.

Captain: [to a suspect] That stare doesn't work on me. Keep it though - they'll love it in prison.

DDA: [to Grissom] You're the only man who's never let me down. I guess that either makes you a classic enabler... or my soulmate.

Greg: Open champagne bottle, white powder residue. Think it's coke?
Gil: [shining his flashlight on brain matter and skull fragments] Well, then that must be his brain on drugs.
Greg: Party till you drop.
Gil: Or get shot. Which ever comes first.

Sara: [to Lockwood] Hey, Cyrus, next time somebody says experimenting with drugs is harmless, remind me of this.

Greg: That when I saw her: a flower, and not the kind you pin on a lapel. She was long-stemmed.

Nick: You know, Ray - for somebody who doesn't like golf, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about it.
Dr. Raymond Langston: It's not that I don't like golf. It's just that you have to focus your mind, practically every fiber of your being, on a small, white ball that you want to hit just the right way. And then when you hit it, the feeling is exhilarating. And so you chase the small, white ball all day, so that you can hit it exactly the same way. You chase that feeling - kinda like cocaine. Not exactly the best hobby for an obsessive personality.
Nick: People like that are better suited for a job in criminalistics, huh?

Al: [about Becky Lester's injuries] Exsanguination from five lacerations: two to the forehead, one to the right temple and two to the occipital bone.
Gil: Are they consistent with a fall?
Al: Yes, but I'd expect to see hand fractures as a result of the impact, and there are none.
Gil: Are they consistent with blunt force trauma?
Al: Sure, but if the husband bludgeoned her, there'd be fractures to the skull.
Gil: And there are none.
Al: None.
Gil: Well, you've given me a lot of information, doc, and none of it very helpful.

Madge: Some guys can never love any woman but their mother... and some never had a mother who loved them.

David: [as Catherine gives him a cup of her urine to be tested] Oh, thank you, but there's no drinking or eating allowed in the lab.
Catherine: It's a urine sample.
David: My bad.
Catherine: Get it to Tox. And
[gives Hodges the tampon]
Catherine: Check this for spermicide. Call me with the results.
David: [as he looks as the tampon] Did you run out of proper swabs?
Catherine: Just do it.
David: What's the case number?
Catherine: Consider this a proficiency exam.

Sara: [to Grissom] You told me a few weeks ago that nothing is personal. No victim should be special. Everyone follows your lead.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Everyone didn't find that baby. I did, and that little boy is dead because someone lost their temper or screwed up, or God knows what. So, excuse me, but this victim is special.

Gil: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg: Weird, ha?
Gil: Well, I race cockroaches!

Greg: Nobody throws away porn! They're like heirlooms passed down the family line!

David: I find garbage fascinating
Morgan: Yeh, that doesn't surprise me
David: What most people throw away in trash bags is actually bio degradable or recyclable. And necessarily taking up precious space in our rapidly diminishing landfills
Morgan: Hey, look at me. I recycle
David: I started recording my garbage in a trash journal. So now I discard no more than 3 pounds per week
Morgan: You have a trash journal?
David: Yah!

Donna: [about Mr. Hsing] Every time he came to Vegas, he would gamble for four hours exactly. And, you know, I took that bath every time.

IA: [to Warrick] Let's back up a little. You get involved with a pretty young thing, you go away to do your business, she winds up dead. You ever think about that?
Warrick: I think about Joanna every day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
IA: No, no. I'm sorry. I was talking about Holly Gribbs. You remember Holly, don't 'ya? Rookie CSI. You left alone at a crime scene eight years ago to go place bets for a crooked judge. Suspect came back and shot her.
Warrick: I remember.
IA: Poor innocent girl, just trying to do her job, and winds up dead because of you.
Warrick: That has nothing to do with this.
IA: Do two points make a straight line? It's a pattern of behavior. Reckless, obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive behavior.

Gil: Dressed as a woman, among men dressed as women... now that's a disguise.

Nick: Hey, Catherine, say, "Silk, silk, silk."
Catherine: Silk, silk, silk.
Nick: What do cows drink?
Catherine: Water. Why?
Nick: [after a disappointed pause] Never mind...

Gil: Pin you against a wall?

Captain: So, two nights ago, he has a party. High-end guest list, very private. That was the last anyone saw of him. Housekeeper arrives 20 minutes ago. This is what she found.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [seeing the victim hogtied like a dead pig with an apple in his mouth] Ex-Chief of Detectives. Left to make the big bucks. Consultant with security at every major casino in town, and couldn't even protect himself.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: There's only one interpretation for this: "kill the pig."
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: And what about the rest of his family?
Captain: No sign of the wife.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: What about the daughter?
Captain: Well, the housekeeper assumed that she spent the weekend with the grandmother.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Assumed?

Gil: Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?
Walt: Whatever rubs your Buddha.

Greg: I would never hit my kids cause, you know, my father used to beat me. He didn't beat me too much. He beat me just right. You know, I remember the last time he really slapped me around, just getting up off the ground, thinking, "perfect." He really nailed it. Any more would have been barbaric. Any less I wouldn't be seeking the approval of you drunks. Parenting is hard and expensive. If you were to have a baby today and raise it all the way through college, it would cost you one million dollars. And that's why I feel like no woman should ever walk out of an abortion clinic with her head hung down in shame. You walk out of there like you just hit the lotto. I'm a winner.

Gil: Where's your crockpot, doc?

Undersheriff: Do your client and this department a favor, and make a deal. The District Attorney said that he might consider manslaughter.
Warrick: I can't do that.
Undersheriff: Are you telling me that you're innocent? Because I.A. said that those words never crossed your lips.
Warrick: Are you charging me?
Undersheriff: Not yet, but in about five hours, it's gonna be first degree murder.

Gene: [to Warwick] You know, in school, you were a nerd, Brown. You were, remember? Every kid there used to beat your ass. Thick glasses, hand-me-down clothes, always with a book in your hand like you were better than everybody else. Nigga, I ain't scared of you.
Warrick: Want to step outside then?

Captain: Game's over. Bitches!

[Greg Sanders rushes to Catherine Willows, wildly smiling but silent]
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Start talking!
Greg: The blood Nick and Sara found at the back of the bus consists of the victim's.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Not a surprise.
Greg: Semen found at the back of the bus matches your bus driver's DNA.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Also not a surprise.
Greg: Try this one. Bus driver's DNA has 13 yields in common with the victim's unborn foetus.
[Greg leaves while Catherine is dumbfounded]

Lieutenant: I just made Lieutenant. I've got nothing to prove.
Catherine: A man with nothing to prove. That's a first.

Captain: [to Catherine, about Lady Heather] Like a bad penny, some people just keep showing up.

Captain: He stopped talking to us after I told him we blew up his house.

Captain: I'm just a phone booth away from changing into my tights and saving the world.

Nick: It was good that you were there for her Sara. She didn't have to die alone.
Sara: [sadly] We usually show up too late to meet the victim.

Gil: Truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction; it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore and, unfortunately, this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. 'Do whatever you want; we won't tell.' So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone and evidently, you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Gil: What do you think?
Sara: I think I feel fat.

Captain: I also did a background search. Tyler has quite a temper on him, don't you, Ty?
Tyler: What?
Captain: You were expelled from school twice last year for physical altercation.
Steven: That was schoolyard stuff.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Beat up a 12-year-old in the school stairwell.
Tyler: He made fun of my mother. I wasn't going to let him get away with that.
Captain: Your brother Zack say something you didn't like you weren't going to let him get away with either?
Tyler: [stands up] Don't talk about my brother that way, you bastard!

Warrick: What did you talk about?
Evan: All right, get this. She tried to tell me that God got her pregnant.
[laughs]
Evan: I mean, if that's true, the big guy owes me an apology 'cause she was my girlfriend. He should have asked me first.

Nick: So, can you tell me where the sand came from?
Greg: I might have to do some field research to find out. You think Grissom would send me to Hawaii?

Todd: It was just a little target practice.
Nick: And that's why it's illegal to discharge firearms within the city limits, genius.

Dr. Al Robbins: From everything I've heard, this guy was a considerable ass.

Nick: Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.
Warrick: Yeah?
Nick: Yeah, I had Greg run it.
Warrick: [laughing] That's classic!

Sara: [about Brenda] Look, Brass, I don't see why I got to take her. I'm a scientist. Catherine's the mom. Ask her.
Jim: O'Riley was primary on this till it passed over to me. Big deal.
Sara: What about Family Services? Can't they take her?
Jim: They sent their caseworker over to the hospital, so meet her there with the kid.
Sara: I am not good with kids.
Jim: Look, I'm not asking you to adopt her. Just take her over to Sunrise for a psych eval, will you?

Sam: Captain, please find my daughter before she does something stupid.
Brenda: Stupid I can live with. I need to know they're okay.

[at a Plus-Size People convention]
Greg: Some guys like curves.
Detective: There's curves, and then there's *rolls*.

Nick: Crime scene this messy, gotta bust out the big guns.

Henry: [sometime after Wendy uses Hodges phone to call the killer's phone it starts ringing] Did you guys see "Scream"?
Hodges: [giving him a look but attempting to disguise his voice] Hello?... Oh, hi, Catherine. Have I seen Wendy? No, she hasn't been at her desk all day.
Wendy: Gimme.
Hodges: Let me go look... for her.
[Wendy grabs the phone]
Hodges: Oh... Oh wait here she is.
Wendy: Loser.

Gil: Make sure you document these skid marks
[walks away]
Greg: [laughs and says under his breath] He said skid marks.

Special: What did she say?
Horatio: That you need to learn the language.

Catherine: How much does this place clear in a week?
Lady: $10,000.
Catherine: I'm not with the IRS.
Lady: OK, $20,000.

Catherine: Oh that's great run down the gun's serial number Nick will do the autopsy work I'll finish the processing here and I'll keep you posted.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: [sighs] Thanks.
Catherine: What would you do without me?

Gil: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.
Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?
Gil: Show them an oyster.
Mimosa: I'm sorry?
Gil: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.

Hodges: What?
Wendy: That was a very good idea.
Hodges: Well, I have one occasionally.

Greg: You infected me with mildew?

Gil: [quoting Othello Act I Scene I] But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

Sara: What am I, working food and beverage at one of the hotels? I haven't had a day off in three weeks
Sara: I mean if they're gonna call me in, throw me a bone, give me the 4-19 on the elevator
Nick: Someone's bitter
Sara: I'm tired
Nick: You, tired, I thought you never sleep
[Sara yawns loudly]
Nick: [Nick laughs]

Catherine: [to Greg] What is this? More research for your mob book? I hope you're not starting to admire those thugs.
Greg: I don't admire them, but I'm grateful.
Catherine: For what?
Greg: Well, for starters, my book is done. I have meetings with three different publishers out in L.A. and I fly out the day after tomorrow.

Gil: So, let's assume that 'shoe print' was involved in all four murders. It's possible that he knew, Gerald, right? Is it also possible that he was an accomplice of D.J.K.?
Greg: That would explain the 9 post-mortem stab wounds in Ian Wallace. It's a continuation of the master's work.
Catherine: But if he was D.J.K.'s helper, back in the day, why go quiet for 10 years then suddenly start killing again?
Greg: Maybe he was doing time?
Catherine: And when he realized that his old partner turned informant, he got scared and killed him.
Gil: Maybe that's what brought the old thrill back. Once these guys get a taste, it never seems to go away.

Jim: [to Grissom] The guy's dead. It could have been suicide, accident, but you've always got to push it.
Gil: Just like any other case.
Jim: You know what I think? Adrenaline. You need the rush, but that's just me.
[leaves]

[last lines]
Captain: [to Grissom] Get your kit.

Catherine: What'd I miss?
Gil: Murder, seduction, deceit. The usual.
Catherine: Mmm. This one of your favorites?
Gil: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.
Catherine: Okay... Well, what do you like?
Gil: I like silent movies.
[Catherine looks at him, then she looks at the screen when Gil looks at her for a second and turns back to the screen again]

Greg: Have any of you guys seen Grissom?
[Henry, Hodges and Wendy turn around and hide the miniature]
Hodges: [they shake their heads no] Some garlic bread? Some wine maybe?
Greg: Kiss my ass. I'd like to see you crawl around in a dumpster determining the difference between blood and marinara sauce with six mobster goons giving you the stink eye
Henry: Don't know anything about that, were held up in a lab all day
Greg: What are you guys doing? You know what forget it, I don't even care. I have to go take a shower, would one of you please call janitorial and have them clean my Denali?
Wendy: Sure
Greg: Oh and I think the killer might have thrown up in the alley, full panel. Enjoy.

Sara: Hey.
Wendy: Hey.
Sara: Here you go. I checked under the keys.
[she hands Wendy a keyboard]
Sara: Crusty white stains, pale blue under ALS.
Wendy: Semen, huh? What made you check under the keys?
Sara: A butt print
[models with her hands]
Sara: on the credenza.
Wendy: Yeah, okay, that's gross.
Sara: CDC contacted us because the whole office has a herpes simplex one outbreak, and nobody could figure out why. I guess you never really know what's going on in your office.

Catherine: Sam!
[Sam stops walking and turns around]
Catherine: What do you know about what happened to Lindsey?
Sam: What do you know about it?
Catherine: Who's using us to get to you? This is your granddaughter we're talking about. What the hell do you know?
[Sam stops and looks at Catherine; he reaches into his pocket and takes out an envelope]
Sam: Front desk found this in the quick checkout bin.
[Catherine opens up the envelope and takes out a photo of her sprawled naked on the bed in the motel]
Catherine: [as she reads the message on the photo] Can you guess what you're going to give me?
[to Sam]
Catherine: What does that mean? Who's behind this?
Sam: I don't know. This was just found. Same place.
[takes: "20 million by wire. #77-889-9000-662. Banque Royale Geneva]
Catherine: Where is she? Who has her?
Sam: I swear, I don't know.
Catherine: Like hell! I blame you! I blame you for this!
Sam: I never wanted to involve you personally or professionally in any of my business.
Catherine: Business? You don't have a business. You're a thug in thousand dollar shoes!
[Sam slaps Catherine across the face]
Catherine: Thanks for not disappointing me, Sam.

D.B. Russell: So, this is goodbye I guess
Avery: For now
D.B. Russell: Where you're off to?
Avery: Bank robbery, Pittsburgh
D.B. Russell: How much?
Avery: 3 cents
D.B. Russell: Oh, give me a break! Talk to me. How much?
Avery: Three copper pennies from 80 million checking accounts! 2.4 million a week makes for one hell of a heist. Check your bank statements.
D.B. Russell: No kidding! And they say there is no such thing as the perfect crime!
Avery: It's not the perfect crime. It's cybercrime!

Gil: You sniffed it?
[about evidence]
David: That disgust you?
Gil: No, actually, it's the first time you've ever done anything to impress me.

Captain: We ID'd the body and located the husband...
Gil: Let me guess - downtown, Fremont district?
Captain: You know, I'm not even gonna ask.

Gil: It's interesting to me how you always expect the worst.
Catherine: You see, that way I'm never disappointed. And sometimes I'm nicely surprised.

Gil: Brass always suspected that there was a mole in the department that worked for Gedda. I bet we're looking for a cop.
Catherine: A P.I. investigating Gedda gets killed, then Gedda gets killed. Maybe this dirty cop did 'em both.
Gil: Yeah, but we can't prove it because we're not allowed to investigate Gedda's murder.
Catherine: We're still investigating the P.I. if the cases are linked, we solve one, we solve the other.

Warrick: [while Nick and Warrick are searching the park where the jogger's body was discovered and it starts to rain] This sucks! But it's evidence, right?
Nick: No, hair and fiber is evidence, Warrick. This is combat duty.
Warrick: [as he sees something on the ground] Yeah, it's somebody's "doody."

Conrad: I'm proposing we eliminate all overtime on lab work except for priority cases, stop hiring based on attrition, reassign existing personnel based on peak staffing needs. Over the next fiscal year, that should clear at least a million.
Undersheriff: Assuming any of those measures actually saves money, which isn't really the issue here, is it?
Conrad: I'll take the heat.
Undersheriff: You want to do something for your people? Get them ready for a funeral.

[CSIs approach Dr Neth's mansion, loud music playing]
Sara: Someone's having a party...
Dr. Raymond Langston: Well they won't mind if we crash.
[Rings doorbell]
Dr. Tyrell Neth: Good evening! May I help you?
Dr. Raymond Langston: Dr Tyrell Neth?
Dr. Tyrell Neth: Yes.
Dr. Raymond Langston: I'm CSI Langston, this is CSI Sidle. We're from the Vegas crime lab, we'd like to ask you a few questions about Iona Vail.
Dr. Tyrell Neth: Certainly.
Sara: Can we come in?
Dr. Tyrell Neth: [laughs] By all means.
[pauses]
Dr. Tyrell Neth: I hope you like animals.
[CSI's walk into room full of 'cat' women, and exchange increduous looks]

Nick: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." The perfume of American beauties was everywhere, though a rose by any other name would have smelled just as sweet with that much love in the air.

David: [to Grissom, after pulling a rubber chicken out of the mouth of a murder victim] Oh, come on. You've gotta say something. Uhh, "I suspect fowl play"; or, uh, "that's poultry evidence." You know: something.
Gil: Dying's easy; comedy's hard.

Catherine: [loud music blaring from Thumpy G's car] Hey! You deaf?
Thumpy: Thanks a lot. What's up? I'm Thumpy G.
Catherine: A jackhammer is about 50 decibels quieter.
Thumpy: Y'know, the only way to beat a jackhammer is to bust 15,000 watts of Run-DMC's "Dumb Girl," or, or LL Cool J's "Going Back To Cali?"
[from offscreen, a friend calls to him; Thumpy G answers]
Thumpy: What up, dog?
Catherine: Yo, Thumpy, you blow out a lot of eardrums?
Thumpy: Try to.
Detective: You know this cat, Jace Felder?
[shows Thumpy G photo]
Thumpy: Negative!
[is distracted by a girl walking by offscreen]
Thumpy: Hey, what's up, baby?
[eyes follow the girl as she walks away]
Catherine: Hey, Thumper! How about we impound your car, seize your stereo system, and charge you with disturbing the peace?
Thumpy: Oh, but it's hot now, it's real hot. All right, you know, yo, it's coming back to me.
Nick: We're all ears.

Jim: [to Perry Hanson] You want to tell me what Jason Crowley's baseball glove is doing in your car?
Perry: Lucas must've left it there. I don't know, man. Kids are always taking each other's crap.
Jim: Yeah, well, I'm not taking any more of yours. You're under arrest.

[In the first "game", an explosion occurred in AK's lab, killing him]
David: Think of this exercise as a way for the dead to speak for themselves.
Wendy: But that's not actually what this is.
David: It's a chance for you to be a CSI. The only thing you need to do is answer to simple questions:
Archie: [Opening his eyes and raising his head while "dead"] Who did it! And how!

Gil: [Questioning Harry about the death of the young singer] Why did you move the body? Why didn't you call for help?
Harry: Because I didn't want anybody comin' into my space. Wanted to spend my time in the last place that I was ever happy. We were like a family back there, beautiful moment in time

Gil: Do you believe that intelligent life exists on other planets?
Sara: I'm not sure there's intelligent life on this planet; I just was in the barn.

[Gil and Catherine are investigating the bedroom of a stockbroker who was killed playing hockey]
Catherine: It's never a good sign when a guy has more women than chairs.
Gil: What's the ratio here?
Catherine: Judging from these stains, I'd say four women for every piece of furniture including the TV. At least we know what this guy was about - bucks, pucks and... chicks.

Ashley: It was like the more I shouted, the more he liked it.
Sara: Rape is not about sex. It's about violence.

Nick: [to Marlon] You moved the body, you buried it.
Marlon: I know I did; I was there. What's the problem?
Nick: Well, the problem is what happened in the locker room. I mean, you're not the kind of guy who puts sodium in a showerhead to get back at somebody. You just trip them in the hallway.
Marlon: So you think I'm too stupid to have done it. Great, join the club.
Nick: I don't think you're stupid, Marlon; I didn't say you were stupid. But this is Hannah's game. The whole way.

Catherine: You're right, you know. I should be just like you. Alone in my hermetically sealed condo, watching Discovery on the big screen, working genius-level crossword puzzles. But no relationships, no chance any will slop over into a case. Yeah, right. I want to be just like you.
Gil: Technically it's a townhouse. And the crosswords are advanced, not genius. But you're right, I'm deficient in a lot of ways. But I never screw up one of my cases with personal stuff.
Catherine: Grissom... WHAT personal stuff?

Jim: We got a problem.
Night: What's the problem?
Jim: Your handwriting sucks.

Nick: [to phone] Did you get his autograph for me?
Captain: [to phone] You know, actually I did, and if you get me a match, you might be able to meet him at his trial.
Nick: Do you think that would make his autograph worth more? Or less?

Cameron: Epithelials? That's like DNA? Hey, why don't we get a sample of Dylan's epithelials, see if it doesn't match up to your law partner because God knows you haven't let me touch you in three years.

Detective: Look, we canevas her neighbourhood, no name, she was homeless, hooking for drug money.
Sara: You do not know that, you didn't even ask for tox!
Detective: We didn't need to do a test, we found her at Paradise for Flamingos. What else would she be doing there?

Honey: Some guys like to lick it off.
Horatio: Really? I prefer the swab myself.

Judge: It's one thing to send a print through AFIS, it's another thing to use a "background subtraction algorithm" to isolate the print from a bedspread.
Gil: It's not my fault that the courts lag behind our technology.

Sara: I've got the business end of a disposable lighter. Could be an ignition source.
Gil: Hey. What's that?
Sara: Possible accelerant.
Gil: Or possible Martini.
Sara: I didn't think you could smell vodka.
Gil: Well, that depends on how long it was distilled.
Sara: Cheap stuff.
Gil: Ironically, the word for "vodka" comes from the Russian phrase "zhiznennaya voda" - "water of life".

Warrick: Spontaneous human combustion is science fiction.
Sara: I know.
Warrick: There's no such thing as a human torch.
Sara: What if it is real and we've uncovered it?
Warrick: Sara, this is a crime scene. Stay with me here, okay? Don't lose it.
Sara: I'm not. I'm just open to all theories.

Catherine: Why now?
Mickey: Because that tiny piece of metal that Johnny shot in my chest has finally moved. Doctors gave me a week, maybe two to live. Think I'd go out with a bang, never see the inside of a cell. It's really funny at all, one little bullet, can make things suddenly seem so clear.
Catherine: [shows him a bullet she's holding in her hand] You mean this bullet? Mob doctors become mob doctors because they sucked in the first place. But we've got a licensed surgeon to fix you up good! Truth is Mickey you're gonna live, another 20-30 years, and you'll be spending every day in a federal penitentiary.

[liquid from the trunk of a car containing two corpses splashes up onto Greg's face and into his mouth]
Sara: Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud.
Greg: Grissom would have tasted it on purpose.

Nick: [to a suspect with a cut on his forehead] Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard?

David: Aren't vaguely Dickensian suburban kids Russell's department?

Nick: I found tan fibers on his boxers.
Dr. Al Robbins: You, too, huh? His body's covered in them.
Nick: Fibers on his body and his underwear, but not on his shirt and pants. Why?
Dr. Al Robbins: Well, maybe it was as simple as he wasn't wearing his shirt and pants.
Nick: Okay, then at some point, he was with his shrink in his underwear.
Dr. Al Robbins: Exactly what kind of therapy was this?

D.B. Russell: Ah, the smell of decomp in the morning!

Carl: [to Grissom] You're not listening to me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I need you to believe me.
Gil: I don't. You had choices. You made the wrong ones and now this little boy is gone.

David: [about Nick] Do you think he suffered?
Dr. Al Robbins: Do I think he suffered? Yes. Definitely.

[Brass and Krammer enter Assistant City Attorney's house to search it]
Todd: Hey, I just had the floors polished. Will you at least take your shoes off, please?
Captain: I sleep in my shoes, Todd.

David: [to Sara] Would you ever bleach your hair? I wouldn't. It's so Greg Sanders.

Sara: You turned my pickle into a light bulb!

Nick: Hey, Catherine, feel like doing some real work?
Catherine: And leave all this?
Nick: I got a woman who DFO'd in front of her house trying to break up a fight. It's a single gunshot wound to the chest. The penetration is shallow. I want to know why.
Catherine: And you want me to cook?

Sara: Locked unit. Finite number of suspects.
Gil: Crazy or not, here we come.

[a suspect is at a convention for people who dress as animals]
Captain: What do we do... put out an A.P.B. on Tom and Jerry?

Catherine: [to Lindsey] Mouthing off to teachers, slipping grades, and now hitchhiking. I mean what's next, Lindsey?
Lindsey: Stripping.
Catherine: What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.
Lindsey: For how long?
Catherine: A month.
Lindsey: Whatever.
Catherine: Hey, you want to make it two?
Lindsey: Dad always said you were a drama queen.
Catherine: Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.
Lindsey: I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.

[identifying an insect at a crime scene]
Gil: Dermastidae masculatus.
Sara: That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."

Gil: Count Basie said that it's the notes you don't hear that matter.

Jim: How many floors we got?
Catherine: Well, no 13th. No 4 and no 14. Yeah, unlucky numbers. Different countries, different superstitions. That was something Sam taught me.

Catherine: Got anything for me?
Gil: Yeah, but I can't give it to you. Conflict of interest.
Catherine: Why?
Gil: The victim's an exotic dancer.
Catherine: And because I used to *be* one, I'll be biased?
Gil: No. The suspect's your ex-husband.

Gil: [to Carl Fisher] Okay, then, what would you do if you were going to take those boys?
Carl: I would be studying them. Do they like sports? Comic books? Do they skip school? Have any friends? Good parents, or are they neglected? Unhappy? Angry?
Gil: And then?
Carl: What do you do when you like a woman? It's a game of seduction. Once you know what they like, you make contact. You start slowly, play it cool. Especially with boys. It's about building trust. Like you're doing with me.

Sara: I thought that Maya was down here visiting
D.B. Russell: She was
Julie: Wait! You took Avery Ryan's advice?
[DB doesn't answer]
Julie: Does Maya know that she was down here as bait?
Detective: In case you wanted to know, we had her under surveillance 24/7. I'd hardly call that bait
Julie: Really? And what would you call it?
D.B. Russell: The greater good

Hard: Mr. Grissom could you please describe what you're seing?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: A long night.

Captain: He's looking into your whole team. And your ability to lead them.
Gil: Poor Conrad.
Captain: I hate to tell you, but when it comes to politics, he whips your ass. So watch your back, it's gonna get ugly.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: You know what always happens to bad people? They leave behind a part of themselves, and that's how you can help us find your mommy. Now, I need to look underneath your fingernails.
[Sasha withdraws her hand]
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: You wanna show me what's in your hand?
Horatio: [reassuring] It's okay.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [Sasha opens her hand to reveal a bullet casing] Where did you get that?
[brief flashback sequence]
Sasha: I ran out after they drove off. I picked that up.
Horatio: I bet it felt cold when you picked it up.
Sasha: No. No, hot. You're tricking me.
Horatio: You're too smart for that.

Gil: [to Greg] Greg... lose the monkey suit, you got a scene; liquor store robbery. Here's the address.
Greg: [takes slip of paper from Grissom] Related to the earlier 415s?
Gil: Could be - Sofia's got one of the suspect's sweaters. I need you to seal it, bring it back here and anything you can find.
Greg: All right. Who's my wingman?
Gil: You're a big boy, Greg. You don't need a wingman for this.
Greg: Primary.
[smiles]
Greg: Nice.

Warrick: It's a crowded restaurant. Somebody must have seen something.
Captain: Not exactly. Welcome to the latest fad, dining in the dark. Waiters are blind, no one sees anything. Piece of cake huh?
[Jim Brass presses a switch that turn off the light and lower the shutter ; when the room is in the dark, footsteps are heard]
Catherine: Did he just leave?
Warrick: I think so.
David: Guys? I have a dead body here!

Gil: Look, Ecklie doesn't have a scientific bone in his body, he starts with the answers he wants and then devises the questions to get them.

Adam: [to Grissom and Vartann] I was deposing a witness. Left the office late. Stopped at the Peppermill for a burger - medium rare, no onions. Got to the Highball around eleven. Met this redhead. Bought her a drink and
[Catherine walks into the room]
Catherine: Mr. Novak. I'm Catherine Willows, CSI.
Adam: [to Grissom and Vartann] You wanna know what happened next?
[looks at Catherine]
Adam: Ask the redhead.

Nick: Crime scene at a funeral. Can't get much deader than this.

[They find out that the body in the pool is a CPR dummy]
Gil: This is not a crime scene.
[Then the alarm goes off and they find the sword missing and the guard tied up with duct tape]
Gil: This is a crime scene.

Nick: Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.

CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Nick.
Nick: [turns around] Yo.
[sees the soda bottles]
Nick: No, thanks, I'm an iced tea man.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: It's not a refreshment. It's an experiment. Take this to the lab in a controlled space, 72 degrees Fahrenheit and open it. Keep this in the same room-temp space.
Nick: Okay, then what?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Process, Nick. Process.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: When are parents going to learn a car is not a baby-sitter?

David: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Nick: Oh, 16, 17.
David: Amortized over a generation, 12 is about right?
Nick: So your saying, two generations from now, 4 year olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
David: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.

Gil: Did you know that pigs are very intelligent animals? Right behind chimps, dolphins, and elephants.
Warrick: Ahead of dogs?
Gil: And certain politicians.

George: Your mother sleeps with Azerbaijani!

Gil: Hey Natalie. My name's Gil. It's so nice to finally meet you. I-um, probably shouldn't say this, but I'm a huge fan. I've been a crime scene investigator for 22 years, and worked over 2,000 homicides, and you are by far... the best I've ever seen. I mean, you're such a great artist. And to be so young, and so talented, and... so pretty. I've thought about you every night for the last nine months. I even tried to do what you do. I built my own miniature.
[Natalie nods her head]
Gil: You saw it? How'd I do?
[Natalie shrugs]
Gil: You play chess?
[Natalie shakes her head]
Gil: I play. It's a hobby. Quiets my mind, you know? Soothes me. At one point I became so consumed by it, that whenever I closed my eyes I could see the chess pieces moving all around the board. I was obsessed with correcting all my bad moves. I wondered if a game could ever be played without a mistake. I'd love to play you sometime. I'm so impressed by the way you embraced your passion. You'd make a great CSI. This last one was brilliant. You studied our crime scene so well, tracking the car to the junkyard, and then towing it all the way out to the desert where you knew we wouldn't find it. And then, the way you killed Sara.
Natalie: [shaking her head] I didn't kill her.
Gil: You didn't?
Natalie: [Natalie shakes her head] This is about her. Her, her, her. It's always about her.
Gil: No, it isn't Natalie. It's about you.
Natalie: [Natalie cuts him off] It's always about her.
[she takes a blade from her mouth and slashes Grissom's throat and watches as he bleeds. Then in a baby voice]
Natalie: Oh sad was the day for the little bisque doll, for they cut all her stitches away, and found the seat of the terrible ache. T'was a delicate task...
Gil: [not cut, for it was all in her imagination] Natalie listen to me. Tell me where she is.
Natalie: For none of the doctor's had ever before...
Gil: Natalie.
Natalie: ...performed on a dolly's inside...
Gil: Please tell me where Sara is.
Natalie: ...They tried to re-stuff her, but didn't know how, and this was her wail as she died...
Gil: [yelling] Stop it! Just stop this!
[shaking her]
Gil: Tell me where Sara is!
Natalie: ...I've got a pain in my sawdust. That's what's the matter with me.
[voice over, overturned car]
Natalie: Something is wrong on my little inside. I'm just as sick as can be. Don't let me faint, someone get a fan.
[a hand clawing at the ground from under the car]
Natalie: Someone please run for the medicine man. Everyone hurry as fast as you can, 'cause I've got a pain in my sawdust.

Gil: Alas, poor Warrick.

Gil: [to Hodges] So you're saying our killer had metal balls?

Nick: [after a successful lab test with Greg] And that's what turns an accident into murder!

Sara: It's not like you to get right down to business.
David: Even I have off days, Sara.

Morgan: This stuff isn't too pleasant, either
David: And yet it makes beautiful music
Morgan: You're replicating the process that the killer used to make the strings for the crime scene
David: The process: yes, the material: no
Morgan: Oh well, so good to know you're not using real human tissue! Although I haven't seen Henry around, lately...

Warrick: Jared, ain't braces a bitch?

Sara: Soup?
Nick: Human... soup. Well, we are 73.5% liquid, eh, Dave?
David: Add some bacteria, a couple gases, and... voila!

Dr. Susan Hillridge: You want an empirical experience? There's a fresh shake in my fridge.

Catherine: The only clue is no clue.

Rhone: Freaking pony lover...
[Gil Grissom smiles]
Gil: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

Ananda: The past is in the past.
Gil: True, but sometimes it leaves its fingerprints on the future.

Sara: [Sara and Grissom sit facing each other. The light from the setting sun filters through the darkening room] It's funny... the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. There was a smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bedroom wall. There was this young cop puking his guts. I remember the woman who took me to foster care. I can't remember her name, which is strange, you know, 'cause I couldn't let go of her hand.
Grissom: Well... the mind has its filters.
Sara: I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to death. Do you think there's a murder gene?
Grissom: I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior.
Sara: You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn't.
[Sara starts to cry. Grissom reaches out and holds her hand]

[Hodges watches Mia work in her lab and sighs]
Catherine: [enters his lab] It's hard to look and not touch, isn't it?

Holy: [the gospel according to "Holy" Steven] Greetings, siblings. Today we learn the lesson of the barista, who taught me - Steven - this lesson. I did not want whipped cream on my half-caf venti mocha latte. But when it arrived so and I mentioned it, the barista said, "Dude, we're slammed here. Can't you just spoon it out?" And I realized, I could and I did. And thus I freed myself of the conflict that would afflict all the other good people in line. So remember, siblings: In all things be supple of thought and pliant of deed.

Captain: [about Melissa/Tammy] So we're looking at a split personality?
Dr. Philip Kane: Quite possible. Two personalities in one.
Captain: Is there any scientific evidence that supports this disorder?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Brain scans have documented changes in the hippocampus of individuals shifting from one personality to another, but would these two personalities be aware of each other?
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, usually the dominant personality is aware of everything. The subjugated personality is only aware of itself.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Tammy's the dominant personality.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: But Melissa killed Joseph Felton, Tammy's father.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Who was also Melissa's kidnapper.
Captain: Revenge for a kidnapping 21 years after the fact?
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, it is possible. It may have taken that long for the subjugated personality to break free.
Captain: Maybe, uh, Miss Mirror-has-two-faces is playing us for fools. We corner her with the evidence, she goes nuts, sets the groundwork for an insanity plea.

Lady: [after Grissom and Lady Heather have tea in her house, he finds out she's a diabetic and calls for a warrant] I think I just heard you say "stop".

D.B. Russell: Yeah, little heads up there. This guy is a murderer, so if he calls, hang up!

[after Mrs. James throws wine on her]
Sofia: That could be considered assaulting an officer. Let's not make this harder than it has to be.

Judge: [cheerfully] So, Doctor. How did my son die? Anaphylactic shock?
Dr. Al Robbins: No, no, he didn't live long enough for that. C.O.D. was asphyxiation. When the blood oxygen drops to less than 16% and the CO2 builds up, there's a rapid loss of consciousness. Death within minutes with no disfiguring physical findings.
Judge: He'll look great at the funeral.
Dr. Al Robbins: Oh, yes.
Judge: His mother will appreciate that.

Heidi: Let's get this straight. He was a sweet kid and I'm sorry he's dead. But I had nothing to do with it and I'm done talking.

Elise: Prostitution in Vegas. Shocking!

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: There's no other sign of disturbance in here. What about the rest of the house?
Captain: Nothing obvious.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: How many domestics have you seen when someone got shot in the face and nothing else was disturbed?
Warrick: What do you think?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: That your married people take things too personally.

Catherine: Ready, honey?
Horatio: Coming dear.

Catherine: Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?
Gil: No.
Catherine: What've you heard? Who talked to you?
Gil: See? You've been on the job for a week and you're already paranoid.

Stewart: [after seeing Wendy working in the lab] Beautiful people doing high-tech police work. There might be a series in this.
Nick: I don't think so.

Captain: Thursday night is Noir Night.
[quips]
Captain: Poor sap was slumped over like a sack of potatoes, oozing blood like a broken bottle of ketchup.

The: If that's what you get for helping a friend you know... Look I feel awful about Charlotte I really do. But I'll tell you this, whatever happens I'm not foregoing this car.
Captain: Well I feel awful too but the car is coming with me.

[investigating a murder in high school]
Warrick: What were you: a jock or a brain?
Gil: I was a ghost.

Nick: [about lab resutls] Are you sure about this?
Hodges: I just finished a diabolical sudoku in six minutes flat. I'm positive.

[Gil Grissom is using a hand-held metal detector, which starts ringing]
Sara: What do you got?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: You've got your gloves on.
[Sara Sidle pulls out a gun off dead leaves]
Sara: Looking for a knife... recover a gun.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: What is happening to our parks?

Gil: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?
Catherine: I'm not in the mood.
Gil: Neither was the monkey.

Sara: Mrs Santiago, I need you to look at something
Mrs. Marta Santiago: If I do, will you leave?
Sara: I can't promise that.

Gil: Well, howdy! I was wondering: Do you carry adult diapers?
Madge: Oh, we sure do! What are you: About a 34 or a 36?
Gil: Well... they're not for me.
Madge: [she looks at Nick Stokes and smiles] Well, aren't you lucky to have such a nice daddy?

Sara: Gil, You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Good bye.

Happy: [Talking about his wife] She looks half my age, and ten times better looking

Gil: [Grissom knocks on the door] Excuse me Jim, am I interrupting something
Captain: [signaling him to enter the room] Gil, please
Gil: Miss... I'm going need a sample of your DNA
Renée,: How do you want it?
Gil: I like your hair
Renée,: I like yours
Gil: Are you a natural blonde?
[both looks at Jim]
Renée,: [Grissom pulls a few strands of hair] Ow
Gil: Sorry... I need a follicular tag... Thank you
Renée,: Gil... any chance you found my thong... silver lamé probably twisted in knots
Gil: Oh yeah we did... you'll need to fill out a form... the captain will help you surely
[Jim looks at Gil]

Nick: [as they are reviewing video surveillance] Looks like Raymond was disposing of the bodies for your client. You think he ran out of time before he could move Kim's out?
Dr. Phillip Gerard: Or Ray was disposing of them for himself. You've just supplied Tom Haviland with reasonable doubt.
Nick: No. What I showed you on video is Ray in the casino during the time the murders were committed.
Dr. Phillip Gerard: His zeal is clouding his judgment. It's not what did happen; it's what the jury will believe could have happened.

David: Sometimes this job gets to me.
Nick: Yeah, me, too, buddy. Me, too.

Wendy: Hey.
Michael: [Looking up, roused from his daydream] Hey.
Wendy: I said, "How do you feel about butt implants?"
Michael: [Uncertainly] You don't need 'em?
Wendy: [Smiling] Thank you. I wasn't really talking about me, but...
Michael: [Sheepishly] Oh, right. Sorry.

Catherine: You've gotta give me some guys.
Gil: Sara's all you get.
Catherine: All I need.

Henry: Can I have a chip?
Hodges: [quickly] No.

D.B. Russell: Every time I talk to that guy, I feel like I need a shower! I don't even know why I bother to believe him any more

Gil: This is a Lady Macbeth. "Out, out damn spot!" There's not a trace of blood on the teen daughter's clothing. Not a spot!

Julie: [Talking to a suspect] That is not even a good attempt at a lie!

[Sara Sidle arrives at the police station, 6 overweight ladies are waiting to be questioned, guarded by police officers who are mocking them]
Officer: Watch your feet. Don't cause a stampede.
Sara: I'm gonna remember that you said that Metcalf especially after these ladies sue you and the police for discrimination, you genius. Can you clear the room please?

Catherine: [crawling through collapsed building] Am I almost at ground zero?

Kenli: [after bringing her laundry basket to Catherine and Sara] I wear the white blouse.
Catherine: We're going to need to take all the laundry back to our lab.
Kenli: You never found the guy who killed my husband and you're wasting time looking at my dirty clothes? It's alright, take it.

Sara: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...
Gil: Priceless.

Catherine: [to Ray Lester] When, exactly, was the last time that you had sexual intercourse with your late wife?
Ray: Four years ago.
[holds up his hand]
Ray: Rosy Palm and Thumbelina are the only action that I get.
Catherine: Uh, wow. You know, uh, a joke like that doesn't quite seem appropriate for a distraught husband.

[walks into a basement filled with marijuana]
Greg: Sweet Mary Jane!

Sara: Relax and lie down on your back.
Greg: You know, this is exactly like a dream I had once, except it wasn't in a garage. And Grissom wasn't watching.
[pause]
Greg: That was a different dream.

Catherine: .25 Pistol on the floor, and a 25 shell case right next to it.
Nick: Warrick's service pistol is till in evidence, he didn't carry a backup.
Catherine: It's gotta be the murder weapon.
Nick: Leave the gun, take the cannolli. This was a hit.

Captain: L.A. has over two hundred criminalists. You got to bring your own guy?
Captain: Well, Rick is like a vampire. He needs to be invited in.
Captain: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.
Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis, free trip to L.A.? I'm down.

Jamal: Finders keepers, baby. I gotta bag me some ho's.
Warrick: What drug is he on?
Captain: I don't know. Whatever it is, he either took too much or not enough.

Archie: They say in America, you're on camera an average of seven times a day. Go to a mall, and you can at least triple that.
Sara: I guess that's good for us. I'm going to think twice the next time I try on a shirt.
Archie: Well, legally, they can't put cameras in dressing rooms, but there's legal, and then there's what people do.

Catherine: Okay, boys. There's always room for Jell-O.

Nathan: Professor Langston, how good to see you. What brings you here?
Dr. Raymond Langston: I came to gloat.
[Sets photos on the table]
Dr. Raymond Langston: Please, come in, Nate... We got these from a videotape of one of your kills. It's hard to believe, isn't it? Now, in all fairness, you did say that only dummies take souvenirs and Gerald Toliver was a pretty dumb guy. Maybe that's why Tom Donover killed him. You know, I've been thinking that maybe, that's the reason Tom Donover decided to follow in your footsteps, and carry on your work...
[pauses]
Dr. Raymond Langston: Anyway, none of that really matters now, because
[starts laying out more photos]
Dr. Raymond Langston: as you can see, we found your house in Lake Mead and we have Tom and the girl, she's alive.
Nathan: Then what do you need me for?
Dr. Raymond Langston: Closure. You once told me you've been thinking about it a lot, well I've been thinking about it, too. I need you to tell us where the girls' bodies are buried, Nate.
Nathan: I see. So you're working with that cop now?
Dr. Raymond Langston: We're gonna find them eventually, you know that. We'll dig, we'll dredge the lake, we'll tear that house of yours down to the studs if we have to. Now, why don't you save us the trouble? Tell us what we need to know. Look, maybe I could get something out of it for you.
Nathan: Like what? You gonna reduce two consecutive life terms down to one?
Dr. Raymond Langston: Like maybe I could guarantee that this isn't the last conversation that you'll have with someone who isn't shoving your food through a hole in the door. I promise you, Nate, you don't tell me what I need to know and the only person who will hear the sound of your voice again is gonna be you.
Nathan: [Thinks] You follow the fence in the back yard.
Dr. Raymond Langston: To where?
Nathan: [Realizes Langston is bluffing and doesn't know where the house is or where the girl is] To where, what? There is no fence in the backyard... You thought you could make me slip up again and give you somethin' you want. You thought that you could get inside of my head? A person has to do what I've done to understand me. You have no idea what I've started. I'm a teacher, too. My students are everywhere, they're out there. I'll cut them free, I'm spreading the word, by the time you find them it'll be too late and there will just be more blood on your hands.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Get him out of here.
Nathan: [Cops are dragging Nate out of the interview room] She's already dead.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Get him out of here!

Jim: [to the nanny about Tavian Tombs] A woman who knows her employer.
The: I should. He's my brother.

Gil: Sara, do you have any duct tape in your kit?
Sara: Yeah. It's what I use to hold it together.

Gil: This guy's got a piece of wood sticking out of his head.
Detective: Alex James, age 42. Found his wallet in the glove compartment. SUV is registered to him. No previous record. How was he able to drive?
Gil: I once saw a guy walk 15 blocks with 3 bullets in his face.

Sara: I never said you weren't a good CSI.

Daniel: [to Grissom in a church] I didn't realize until today how lucky I am. I know pretty much how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.
Gil: Was your sister afraid?
Daniel: Never. I'm 11 years older than her and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as I caused her and she wouldn't give up, and she... she wouldn't let me, either. That's why... during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.
Gil: But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?
Daniel: They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.
Gil: This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions... that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?
Daniel: Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.
Gil: But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.
Daniel: [in tears, crying] But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I... I do want to thank you, though.
Gil: For what?
Daniel: For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.

[first lines]
Nick: Drop your weapon!

Carl: I loved Lucas and he loved me.
Gil: Is that what you think? Then why didn't you help him? He told you he hit his head. He was in pain. He had a concussion, Carl. You must have known that. I'm sure he was dizzy, probably had no appetite. Maybe he was even slurring his words, but you didn't care about that because you wanted what you wanted.

Gil: Sometimes the best intentions are fraught with disappointments.
Sara: Emmerson?
Gil: Grissom.

David: It's hard to believe that anybody could do something like this to such a beautiful little girl.
Catherine: So, if she had been plain or homely, it'd be easy for you to accept?
David: No, but, maybe it's just me, when something like this happens to a kid with a face like that, it just seems a little more tragic.
Catherine: Maybe that will work in our favor.
[Catherine walks away]
David: [to Grissom] Did I just piss her off?
Gil: Yeah, but she was heading that way when she came in.

Warrick: You know, Tina doesn't like me carrying a gun. I play down the fact that I'm a cop when I'm with her anyway.
Nick: Yeah, yeah, you play the scientist card: You're a "copologist".

Warrick: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil: The winner?

Gil: Judy, would you like to be part of a little experiment?
Judy: I'm just secretary. Besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet.

A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: [to Catherine] How long was the baby left inside the car?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Based on the time of death, uh, we estimate roughly an hour. The 9-1-1 call came in 11:30 in the morning.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Okay. And what time does Paul Winston start work?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: According to Captain Brass... . uh, 10:00 a.m.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Hour and a half. Come on. I got a 3-year-old at home and I've left him inside in a covered garage with groceries two minutes tops, but two hours in this heat?
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: I know. It's a tragedy.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: You know, cases like these almost never see the inside of a courtroom, but this one will.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Is there any worse punishment than losing your child?
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Yeah, jail time. I want him behind bars so the next time a parent steps away from their vehicle in triple degree heat, they check the backseat before they lock the door.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Doesn't change my job.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Look, I need you guys to thoroughly document this case. I don't want any more surprises in court. So, from the car to the kid, just try to cross your T's and dot your I's, okay?

Morgan: Why do you think Santa hanging out here all by his lonesome after the party?
David: He was probably recovering from the forced celebration of a hyper commercialized holiday that lost all sense of wonder
Morgan: Wow, sounds like somebody got a lot of coal in his stocking as a kid
David: I wish! Instead of regaling me with stories of Santa, my scientist father lectured me on the impossibilities of the whole thing
Morgan: What? He didn't think a fat man in his sled could make it around the world in one night?
David: He also had a problem with the climate damage caused by toy factories on the North Pole
Morgan: Gosh, I hope I don't have you as my Secret Santa!

D.B. Russell: What was the toxin?
Dr. Al Robbins: Snake venom. The species is called Daboia Russelii, commonly named Russell's viper. No relation I'm assuming?
D.B. Russell: None that I'm aware of

Warrick: Where have you been?
Gil: I can't be everywhere, and they've banned human cloning.

Catherine: The sheriff said they were chasing another car. A...
Gil: Lemme guess, a Buick?
Catherine: I hate it when you do that.

Teri: It's not going to be easy, getting an impression off this.
Gil: They told me you were the best forensic artist in the country.
Teri: And Canada. I didn't say I couldn't do it.

FBI: Special agent Ryan. I had an up and back to St. Thomas until the deputy director called and ordered me a detour to Vegas. With all due respect ma'am, we aren't running a taxi service here. So why not let's save Uncle Sam a couple of bucks and fly commercial.
Avery: Captain, I am going to tell you three things about yourself, none of which you are going to like. Number one: there is no such thing as an up and back to the Virgin Islands. You go there, you staying there the night. And if you are returning there it's not for misses Captain. Number two: you and I both know...
FBI: Okay, wheels up, we are getting agent Ryan to Vegas

George: I need a lawyer.
Catherine: I need your clothes.

Viva: I go home, I rip open my junk mail and I put it in the fireplace. It's an impulse control disorder, but it's private. I don't burn down houses and kill children.
Nick: Maybe not on purpose, but accidents do happen.

Tim: Only way to outrun an alligator is swim faster than the guy next to you. Right Delko?
Eric: I used to have a partner.
Horatio: Guys, please.

Archie: Later betties.
Hodges: Quitter.
Archie: Glory whore.

Greg: I'm about to rock you world!

[Last lines]
Nick: Now that's what the physical evidence was telling us we should have dug deeper! You can't just ignore the human element Grissom.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: I agree Nick. But when you start to have feelings for the people involved, you risk your objectivity.
Nick: So what? You know I'm risking criticizes empathizing with the victims and their families but that's who I am, that's how I do my job. As far as the promotion goes it's all good man, I can do without it. I'm not you.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Good. We sure don't need another me around here.

Marcus: Crime Scene Investigation. Hell, I love a bloody scene. DNA and all that.

Catherine: Heather on the other hand, uninhibited, and can beat him at mental chess...
Catherine: [Sara can't believe what she's hearing] They had chemistry and he's a scientist, I have no proof and I know he'd never tell me, but I'm certain they spent the night together... I wonder which one wore the chaps.
Sara: [clears her throat] Lots of coins and toothpicks, they don't sweep under here.
Catherine: More power to him really to find someone outside of work, 'cause... you start fishing from the company pier and asking for trouble.
[Sara has a look of total shock]

Gil: [after identifying the kitchen knife used to dismember a chef] "Let us carve him as a dish fit for the gods"
Catherine: I'm going to guess Shakespeare.
Gil: Julius Ceaser.

David: Hey, I heard about court today. Must have been embarrassing, huh?
Warrick: Hodges, why'd you leave L.A. again? Never mind, it's probably none of my business.

[Warrick has concluded that the shooter was moving fast while firing]
Dr. Al Robbins: Drive by?
Warrick: With a hit-and-run chaser.

Nick: There's a story for you. I think I'll sell it to Holly-weird. Get rich.

Sara: Take a left at the sewing machine and a right by the Mason Jars.
Greg: [looking around] Which sewing machine?
Sara: Just follow the North Star!
[Shines her torch on the ceiling]

[first lines]
[a flight attendant enters the hotel]
Front: Welcome back, Mrs. Krell.
Martha: I told you, it's Martha.
Front: Your room's ready and I have your credit card on file.
Martha: See you in the morning. I'm beat.
Front: Call me if you need anything, Martha.

Wendy: ...and, the eye ball belonged to a Jack Landers, who - is a convicted sex offender.
Sara: Would sticking your eye ball into a woman's eye socket constitute as sex offence?
Wendy: Well, rape is legally defined as putting an unwanted foreign object into a genital opening - so, sexual? No.
Sara: But... offensive - yeah.

Catherine: Thousands of girls come to Vegas every year, just hoping to beat the odds.
Gil: Some of them do.
Catherine: And some of them don't.

Gil: Aborigines say they dance naked to make the gods happy.
Catherine: The gods would be happy in Vegas.

Gil: This image was captured on a cell phone at the scene. We believe that that is Aaron James.
Undersheriff: That fuzzy blob?
Greg: We also found evidence of Aaron James inside the limo.
Undersheriff: Well, I hope it's better than this photo.
Greg: It's DNA, along with traces of cocaine on a rolled-up $100 bill.
Undersheriff: Which doesn't place him in the limo. That bill could have been brought in there by anyone.
Gil: We found a pattern in the blood on the seat next to the vic's. It doesn't match the clothes from the limo driver or Drops, so there was at least one other passenger in that limo and we need to question Aaron James.
Undersheriff: [to Greg] This city just paid Aaron James and his mother $2.5 million because you ran his brother over. Are you trying to find a way to give them more money?
Greg: I'm just trying to do my job.
Undersheriff: You want to talk to Aaron James, give me more than snot on a bill and a dot on a crummy photo. This is a PR nightmare in the making.
Greg: We still don't have a murder weapon. Aaron James could be destroying evidence right now.
Undersheriff: [to Greg] All right, first of all, stop talking. You're off the case.
[to Grissom]
Undersheriff: Everything he touched gets reprocessed.
Greg: There's nothing wrong with my work.
Gil: Okay. I know that. It's just standard procedure.
Greg: Oh, procedure.
Undersheriff: Open your mouth one more time and you're on suspension. I'm trying to avoid a harassment suit here. This is cover-our-ass time. Keep me apprised.
[turns to leave]
Undersheriff: This would have been so much easier if you had been the black guy.

Nurse: [to Grissom and Sara] You people come in here disrupting things. You're unsafe. This is your fault.
Gil: Really?
Sara: You seem to take your job rather personally.
Nurse: What are you suggesting?
Sara: That you had an intimate relationship with Adam Trent.
Nurse: [scoffs] That's ridiculous.
Sara: Your lipstick is on his underwear.
Nurse: I gave Robbie my lipstick sometimes. Maybe he was wearing it when the whole thing...
Gil: [interrupts her] We didn't find any on his lips.
Nurse: Well, that's your problem.

Conrad: [Irrupting in the lab in front of Gil Grissom, angry] You've been dodging me. It's time to talk.
[Later, in Gil's office]
Conrad: Gil, nobody wants to hear about your love life less than I do but since you didn't handle this right, I have to take a formal statement.
[Sits]
Conrad: Should have been a conversation between friends, I mean we could have found somewhere around this, Catherine could have done Sara's evaluation, why didn't you just tell me?
Gil: We didn't want you to know.
Conrad: Don't most women like the world to know they're dating someone?
Gil: Where did you get this information about women, Conrad?

Murderer: Hey Grissom! This guy sent me away to prison... shoeprints! Next time I'm going barefoot.
Gil: Even better... footprints

Greg: [about Brass]
[to Grissom]
Greg: Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit?
Greg: Like when you guys go to dinner or the movies or whatever it is when you hang out.
Greg: Cause' I got to tell ya. The thought of him in a sweater, it freaks me out
Gil: We don't hang out, Greg.
Greg: No kidding, I just assumed

Gil: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
Captain: Sound familiar?

Nick: [watching Greg page through a book] I always thought you kept your porn in there.
Greg: I move it around.

Marlon: I'm telling you, I didn't kill Kira. I've never lied to you. Not once. You just never believe me. When I'm guilty, you want me to be innocent. When I'm innocent, you want me to be guilty.
Nick: Hey, you know what, Marlon? You can save it, 'cause unlike most people, you're not going to get me to underestimate you. I already know you're every bit as smart as your sister, especially when it comes to creating confusion.

Dr. Al Robbins: [shady guys with guns are stealing a corpse] What the hell is going on here?

Sara: [reading what's on Hannah's dress] Rainbow party?
Nick: Yeah, it's a party game where the boys get the girls to wear different colored lipsticks while they have oral sex. The boy with the most colors wins. It's supposed to be trendy.
Sara: So much for spin the bottle.

Catherine: If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't.

Gil: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
Catherine: We're up a tree and you're quoting Poe? Give me something else.
Gil: Quoth the Raven, only this and nothing more.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Yeah, we got a confession. He didn't choose women's feet. Women's feet chose him.

Nick: You know when I was a kid we used to make these out of lunch trays and mower motors.
Greg: When I was a kid, I made bombs.
[Nick looks at Greg]
Greg: Little bombs.

Greg: I found something a little unusual for a roller coaster. Not a sailor but a...
Sara: Semen? Sex on the roller coaster?
Greg: Or some kid shaking with shorty.

Gil: Hey Doc, tell me something I don't know.
Dr. Al Robbins: When I was in fourth grade, I dropped karate because some kid half my size made me cry.

Kay: [to Brass in her Irene Adler voice about the victim, a Sherlock Holmes impersonator] You see, detective, Denny would have wanted his murder to be the perfect puzzle. A mystery worthy of the master.

Greg: [to Nick] So, now you have to find it on the surveillance tape?
Nick: If I want to present it to a jury, yeah. Nowadays, people expect a show.
[hands the test results back to Greg]
Nick: I should've gone to film school.

[the team are re-enacting a fight on a plane; Warrick and Nick play a married couple]
Warrick: [to Nick] Go protect me, honey.
Nick: [while moving to the aisle] Excuse me... buttercup.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: How'd the car end up in this position though? It looks like she caused the wreck.
Sara: Usually the guy he hits the guy he runs.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: So either way they left the scene so it's still a hit-n-run. And this girl is dead. So we may have a murderer.

Greg: Bringing back a semen sample... I analyzed this and found your DNA.
Nick: That was quick.
Greg: No jokes about my being fast in this department.
Nick: Hah.

[last lines]
Detective: Hey. You owe me an apology.
Nick: I'm sorry
[pause]
Nick: [turns away] that you feel that way.
[walks away]

Jessie: Alright, let's take a look at our Cujo

Nick: And how does your theory account for the fact that all the blood's Ryan's?
Greg: It... doesn't.

Sara: The CSI is still missing. Do you know where he is?
Kelly: That's pretty funny: You guys not being able to find something.

Sara: Are my observations distracting you?
Gil: Huh? Oh, I barely heard you.
Sara: Good thing I have a healthy ego.

David: [looking at the body in the morgue] And I thought Robin Williams' arms were hairy.

Nick: [In class, Grissom has learned through Langston where to find a DJK victim. Grissom is out with the CSI team in the area where they were told to look] There's ten stab wounds.
Captain: [to Grissom] Guess you won't be leaving just yet.

Mark: You impugned my character.
Gil: What character?

Daniel: You may not believe in God, sir, but you do His work.

Conrad: [to Warrick] Get a lawyer.
Warrick: I don't want one.
Conrad: This isn't going away, Warrick. In 48 hours, they're gonna charge you.
Warrick: I wouldn't know what to tell a lawyer anyway.

Gil: You showered.
Catherine: Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.
Gil: [studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Cath's view] Can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?
Catherine: A five-foot-eleven workaholic.

Catherine: Broken bones, he gets up and rides again.
Nick: Broken heart, and he's a killer.

Gil: I think you scared him, all his hairs are standing up.

[about a suspect in a case that is personal to Warrick]
Warrick: This guy's been in Matt's house.
Gil: What is this?
Warrick: [holds up a trophy] Matt's team won this three years ago.
[picks up another]
Warrick: This trophy was given to the rec center last year. I found all this stuff in Jacobs' car.
Gil: Well, if this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and cataloged.
Warrick: This is the same guy who shot Matt's daughter in the head and he's walking around laughing at us.
Gil: Can you prove that?
Warrick: What is this? I've been putting guys away like this for years and now that it matters, it's like you're holding me back here.
[people in the lab begin to stare]
Gil: Your job, Warrick, is to process evidence. Objectively and without prejudice.
Warrick: I'm so tired of hearing that. I've heard it a million times. I can't be like you. I'm not a robot, okay! I actually care about these people!
Gil: You know what? You're not working on this case anymore. I'll have another assignment for you tomorrow.
Warrick: Keep it.

Gil: [discussing Catherine's goals when trying to finish her evaluation] You don't have a personal life?
Catherine: Write this down. I haven't had sex in 6 - no, 7 months!
Gil: How can I help?
[Catherine looks shocked]
Gil: You. Advance, I mean.

Dr. Al Robbins: Interesting fact about cyanide - not everyone can smell it.
Sara: Right, it's a genetic quirk.
Dr. Al Robbins: Unfortunately, I don't have that ability.
David: [walks into the morgue] "The nose" has arrived.
Sara: Hodges has the genetic quirk?
[Robbins nods]
David: It's a blessing and a curse.

Catherine: [refering to the killer] Unlike most guys, this one knows how to clean up after himself.

Catherine: So how's your new toy working out?
Warrick: It's been downsized.
Catherine: Bummer. I know how you wanted to see that thing work.
Warrick: Well, it's the same difference, really. Air is drawn into the last tube the chalk absorbs the chemicals from the air. And mass spec will break it down at the lab.
Catherine: So why did you need the expensive one in the first place?
Warrick: [Cath smiles at his honesty] 'Cause it was cool.

D.B. Russell: You want me to resign?
Conrad: No, I not want your resign, I want you to fix this!

Sara: [to Catherine about Nora Easton] She's a virgin? What are we talking about, an immaculate conception?
Catherine: More like the immaculate perception.

[about a serial murderer]
Catherine: When we zig, he zags.

Nick: Well, Rick Chilson did call Sabrina a bitch when we were talking.
Catherine: Charming.
Nick: Yeah, he's an ass, but his alibi checks out. Surveillance at the Mirage has him playing poker the night of the fire.
Catherine: What about Cody?
Nick: He was right there with him, but I don't think that kid takes a breath without Daddy's nod of approval.

[Grissom notices something in the desert and starts to walk away from a crime scene]
Captain: Where's he going?
Catherine: Let's just hope he stops.

Warrick: I just got served. Movie star's lawyer wants the shirt that I wore to the crime scene.
Gil: So give it to him.
Gil: I had to throw it out.
Gil: Why?
Warrick: It was covered in the blood from the accident victim.
Gil: Well, you have to find it; otherwise, it'll look like you've got something to hide.
Warrick: Oh, CSI's on trial now?
Gil: CSI's always on trial, Warrick; you know this. Burden of proof is on us.

Nick: Looks like they starved her first.
Captain: Well Jesus fastened in the desert.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Yeah but he had a choice.

Captain: Forget it Gil, it's Burbank.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Hey, Cassie, you know that scarf you gave Tookie?
Cassie: Yeah, I know it.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Did your sister give that to you or... did you steal it from her?
Cassie: I should have stole it because sh-sh-she stole from me.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: What did she steal from you?
Cassie: My life.

Sara: [looking at the bloody impression of a face] The assailant gets blood on his or her face, gets taken down, face-planted on the concrete, leaving the impression
D.B. Russell: Could be our first impression of the killer

Father: You know, in Vegas, it's routine to hear the most heinous sins, and as a priest, you listen, and in Christ's name, you forgive.

Sofia: Sofia Curtis.
Gil: CSI-three, day shift. You work for Ecklie.
Sofia: As of tonight, so do you.

Nick: People are pigs.
Gil: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.

Greg: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

Gil: What's this blue stuff on the slide and the grip?
[pause]
Gil: It's okay to say you don't know, Greg. That's why we have a trace lab.

Walter: [voice on tape, taunting] Hi, CSI guy. You're wondering why you're here? Because you followed the evidence... So, breathe quick, breathe slow. Put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Any way you like, you're gonna die here.

Gil: It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When's this thing going to be done?
Greg: Well, with all due respect, sir, it's not a baked potato.

Captain: [Looking at newly hired C.S.I Holly Gribbs gruffly] You're the fifth person I've been forced to hire. We're the number two crime lab in the country. We solve crimes most labs render unsolvable. Now what makes you think you belong here?

Wendy: So if you're having some fantasies about me dressed up in a tin foil bikini dancing around in a casbah on a strange alien planet then... *good.*
David: Good?
Wendy: Yes, *good.* Because it means you're not as oblivious as everyone around here seems to think you are.

David: Ah, teen lust. It's starts with some chemistry, mess around with some biology.
[Nick and Sara give each other looks]
David: And once you have some experience under your belt then you introduce the physics. Apparently chivalry is not dead. The bloody fingerprint tested positive for nonoxynol spermicide.
Nick: So much for the boyfriend.
Sara: If we can't pin this on Hannah or Marlon, they could both walk.
David: You could flip a coin.

Sara: [Greg is explaining how he was captain of the high school chess squad] Chess is not a sport, Greg. Sports are physical.
Greg: Well, sex is physical. So is that a sport?
Sara: Not to me.

Warrick: Tell me, what's a receptionist at a hair salon doing with that much tar?
Vlad: In Russia, I work for certain family. When they want body taken care of, I go to oil field, dump body in tar. None ever found.
Warrick: Sounds like fun.

[investigators can't explain why a victim was home]
Catherine: Hey, if you can explain the behavior of teenagers, more power to you.

Hodges: I didn't page you.
Nick: No. I just figured I'd come by.
Hodges: You're checking up on me again.
Nick: No, I'm checking up on my evidence.
Hodges: Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?
Nick: Yes, Hodges, that's what I think.

Cotton: [carefully lays down some hundred-dollar bills that she says will confirm her alibi]
Catherine: And what would you like us to do with those?
Cotton: You're CSI! You can take a print off of there, easy. Duh!

Catherine: [to Amy] I've got a daughter. She's almost your age.
Amy: [coldly] Maybe we should hang out.

Greg: You smell like death.
Sara: I've heard.

Gil: Hey, discrimination isn't just for tall people.

Sara: [to Leon about the pills] Ibuprofen, laxative, aspirin. What are you treating exactly, schizophrenia or constipation?

Jim: Lepidro. What kind of name is that?
Gil: It's from Lepidoptera, meaning "butterfly." Walter Clancy started out a gender-dysmorphic caterpillar and turned into a bloody butterfly.
Jim: Love hurts.

Gil: You're very good. You could work for me.
Lady: You want to be my boss?

Nick: I collected these matchbooks from the pyromaniac's house who was... kind of hot, actually.
Greg: Really? You dig chicks who dig fire?

Sara: [to Ecklie] The only reason this is your lab is because Grissom doesn't kiss ass. You couldn't hack it in the field, so you fail your way up, you break up our team, and now you just hang out in the hallways waiting for one of us to screw up.

Hard: You were a CSI right?
Sophia: Yeah.
Hard: But now you're a detective, so which side of the fence do you prefer?
Sophia: It's the same side.

[Cath comes back from a body farm]
Sara: Wow, you got to go to the body farm? I've always wanted to go there! What was it like?
Catherine: Quiet.

Sara: It's hard to tell where the human ends and the animal begins.

Henry: [Wendy walks into door frame]
[whispering]
Henry: Red dog barks at midnight.
Wendy: What are you guys doing in here?
Hodges: Nothing
[everybody starts to leave the room]
Wendy: [Hodges confronts Wendy] Alright freak boy, your phone has been ringing off the hook, so I finally answered it and Warrick and Nick said they have a ton off trace and they need you to clear the desks.
Hodges: No problem. After you.
Wendy: After you.
Hodges: [walks away]
[Wendy stands at the door looking into the room puzzled]

Nancy: [to Jim Brass] You were a lousy husband, but you were a great cop.

Candeece: I am just one person. Eddie is my priority, not that... that stupid, screaming little brat.
[Catherine shakes her head and marches out of the observation room]
Candeece: I tried, I...
Catherine: [bursts into the interrogation room] You even think about my daughter again, I'll kill you. I will kill you.
Sara: Catherine...
Catherine: I will hunt you down and put... I will put you in the ground!
Sara: Catherine?
[grabs Catherine by the shoulders and drags her out of the observation room]
Candeece: [to Detective Vega] You saw that. She threatened me! I want a lawyer.

Sara: Um, Miss Delgado, I know you're upset...
Carla: Upset? Upset is for white people, lady. I'm pissed off!

[Brass is talking to a hotel guest who witnessed a couple argument]
Captain: What time was that?
Hotel: 10.35
Captain: 10.35? You seem to be pretty sure about that.
Hotel: Well I... I just ordered a pay-per-view movie and it was just about to begin.
Captain: Oh yeah? Which one was that?
Hotel: [Hesitating] Am I get it on?
Captain: You mean Armageddon.
Hotel: No. Am I get it on?
[pause, then gets it]
Captain: Good movie?
Hotel: Worked for me.

Sofia: When two people of the opposite sex conspire to kill one of their partners, sex or money is almost always involved.

Dr. Al Robbins: [to phone] I thought you were asked to come home.
Captain: [to phone] I'll be home tomorrow.
Dr. Al Robbins: I hope she was worth it.
Captain: What do you mean?
Dr. Al Robbins: I don't know, I mean, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.
Captain: What are you, a detective now?

Nick: He Sara, find anything in the treasure hunting car?
Sara: Well, he wasn't a health mad, that's for sure. It looks like he ran a solar business down in Plano. Says on the back he is company owner
Nick: Are you kidding me? Selling solar in Texas?
Sara: What, Texas doesn't have sun?
Nick: Ha ha ha, Texas has oil. When I was growing up, you mentioned something like this it was blasphemy!

Hodges: It's time to start thinking outside the box.

Captain: [when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.
Gil: Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.
Nick: Grissom, you might want to come down here.
Gil: Just say it, Nick.
Nick: Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.
Gil: Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [to Grissom after Mrs. Marlowe meets her daughter] What were you thinking?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: [sighs] I don't know. I wanted to observe them, I guess.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: That woman hasn't seen her daughter in 21 years. You actually thought a glass wall would keep them apart?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: I never thought about that.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: I know. You're not good with people.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Yeah.

Catherine: [after realising 'Sorenson' is a painting not a person] How dumb are we?
Warrick: [scoff] What's he know about the forensic analysis of a friction ridge?
Catherine: Right on.

[repeated line]
David: No signs of sexual trauma.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Husband and wife, home alone, all that blood, shaky alibi. Plus, he says, "He just looks guilty."
Gil: How does one "look" guilty?

Warrick: Why did you kill your wife, Mr. McGill?
Gavin: You try having a hot wife. You pay for it every day.

Warrick: So this kid has two moms?
Jim: King Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half. What are you going to do?
Catherine: King Solomon didn't have a DNA lab.

Sofia: What's the problem?
Greg: I'm fine.
Sofia: You're not.
Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did.
Sofia: Your burn victim.
Greg: How do you get an image like that out of your mind?
Sofia: You go home. You, ah, hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow.
Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Sofia: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. Don't lose that.

Dr. Susan Hillridge: [about her dog] What makes you think that Simba had anything to do with that jogger's death?
Gil: There have been complaints about your dog in the past.
Detective: Your meter reader's singing soprano.

Heavyset: [to Greg Fitzsimmons] I mean it, man. You had me laughing my ass off.
Greg: Thanks, man. If someone finds a size 54 ass, I'll have 'em put it on ice for 'ya.

[Grissom was licking rocks to see if they're bones]
Gil: Could be a piece of wrist bone.
Catherine: Well, do you want to suck on it? To be sure?

Gil: What am I thinking?
Greg: That I'm due for a promotion?
Gil: That you should focus on your other five senses.

[in the autopsy room, looking over fragmented bones]
Dr. Al Robbins: You want a breast or a thigh?
Catherine: It's your kitchen.

Dr. Al Robbins: [as Dr. Al Robbins performs the autopsy on the body found in the drain, Greg Sanders' first] In the end, it's all we really are.

Sara: There is this guy living in my dorm at college, we used to call him Space Bob. Your lab smells like his room. That's not a compliment to either of you!

Nick: [to Grissom while on the phone] Hey, Grissom, don't worry. We're gonna get him.
Gil: The undersheriff will be pleased to know that. The nine-millimeter casing found at the business manager's apartment, and the one from Valinda Carlisle's car were fired in the same gun.
Nick: No surprises there.
Gil: Yeah, but it's not the gun that was used to kill Jessica Jaynes.
Nick: I think Walter Jaynes is the one who's on a rampage here, and he's dragging Dana Espinosa with him.
Gil: Any idea where?
Nick: No. No, not yet.
Gil: You might want to work on that, Nick.
[hangs up the phone]

[after Grissom refused to take dinner for the whole crew from a victim while the investigation was still running]
Greg: Tuna - and the homeless are dining on shrimp salad...

Warrick: Did you notice any drama yesterday in class between Megan and Ryan?
Diane: No. I mean, if a day goes by that a teenage girl doesn't cry in my class, it's a rarity.

Nick: [about Marlon West] He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong.
Sara: Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself.
Catherine: Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12.
Nick: She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end...
Sara: She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice... She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard, pre-med.
Gil: You keeping tabs on her?
Sara: Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again.
Catherine: Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict.
Sara: I want this case.
Gil: The one that got away?
Sara: We're not supposed to let them get away, right?

Gil: People don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.

Nick: Guy died for small bills, beef jerky and a porno.
Riley: Hard up, hungry *and* dumb. It's no way to go through life.

Captain: We also found your blood on her parka that she wore to the hospital two years ago.
Ken: I can explain that. That was from
[being interrupted]
Captain: So can we - you beat her, you killed her, you buried her.

[last lines]
[Keppler dials his phone to check if he has any new messages]
Recorded: You have no new messages.

D.B. Russell: So the guy we though had the best motive for killing Jayson Walt is actually the guy who has the least desire to see any harm come to him!

Dr. Al Robbins: Hand me that foot, would you?

Warrick: Fire in the hole!
[Warrick fires gun]
Nick: [flinching] You're supposed to let me get these things on.
[he indicates the muffs around his neck]
Warrick: Hey, you were supposed to be ready. I don't know man. Maybe it would work out better if Tina was someone who did what we did. At least she'd understand the hours.
Nick: Well, I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to date someone you work with. You never really get to get away from work, or them the way you need to.
Warrick: You mean like you and me, Baby?
Nick: Yeah exactly, Honey.

Greg: Well, having dabbled in the art of discrete hair coloration myself in my younger, more experimental days, I know a thing or two about the calibration of highlights and low-lights required to obtain certain effects.

Nick: Man! You find the best evidence in the nastiest places.
Catherine: You are what you throw away.
Sara: It's like peeling an onion into peoples' lives.
Catherine: Well, this onion is our time line, so peel back accordingly.

Gil: Hello, David.
David: Hello, Grissom.
Gil: David Phillips, everyone. Our excellent assistant coroner and baseball trivia expert.

[Gil Grissom is delivering Warrick's eulogy]
Gil: As crime scene investigators, we meet people on the worst day of their lives. They've just lost a family member, somebody they loved, often in a horrible way. Peace of their heart is gone and will never be replaced. The phrase we're trained to offer them, « I'm sorry for your loss », as we know now, doesn't offer much. Warrick Brown was a young boy when his parents passed away. Much too young to learn that life could be such tragically short. But I think that it taught him how precious life is, and so he lived his life to the fullest, each day as if it was his last day. I was with Warrick on his last day. All the qualities that defined him, his tenaciousness, his deep sense of loyalty, his courage to risk his life for what he knew was right, all those traits were with him on that last day. Just before he died, we were all having breakfast together. Our team. His friends. His family. And Warrick was... he was...
[on the verge of tears]
Gil: I'm gonna miss him so much.

Warrick: Well, he's a sneaky SOB I'll give him that.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [to Dr. Robbins] Hey, Doc, you have a comb?
[Dr. Robbins and Nick look at her]
Nick: Your hair looks great, Cath.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Gee, thanks, Nick.

Nick: The evidence says either one of them could have done it, but I think they were in it together.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Okay, I'll proceed against Marlon for the murder and bring charges against Hannah for conspiracy.
Conrad: Another trial? You sure you want to go through all this again?
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Stacy's parents and the community will have my ass if I don't.
Sara: Well, then maybe this is good news. I was just going over Sofia's notes from the original investigation. The night of the murder, Hannah and Marlon's parents had left them alone in the house. A pizza was delivered to the residence around 9:00 PM.
Nick: That's right around Stacy's TOD.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: So, did anybody talk to the delivery guy?
Sara: Yes, and at the point that Sofia did, a month had passed. Now, the delivery guy's at the house all the time. He recognized photos of both kids, but he could not be sure which one answered the door that night.
Nick: But one of them did answer the door.
[Sara nods]
Nick: So that means they were not together at the time Stacy was killed.
Conrad: Yeah. So much for conspiracy. We're right back where we started.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Where we are is in the crapper. Look, I have to disclose the cart. Defense is going to eat me alive.
Nick: Marlon's your guy. He's your guy - just because Hannah wasn't there doesn't mean she didn't help plan this.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Well, I sure hope it's Marlon, because he's the one we have on trial.
Nick: I stand by the case we filed.
Conrad: I agree. The girl's just trying to protect him.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: Sara?
Sara: This was more about brains than brawn. I think Hannah did it.
Conrad: Two out of three.
A.D.A. Jeffrey Sinclair: In my world, that's called an acquittal.

Hannah: You don't expect me to confess to something I didn't do?
Sara: I am just putting you on notice. You are not fooling me anymore.
Hannah: I think I know why you're so angry, Sara. I did some research. I read about what that serial killer did to you out in the desert, under that car...
Sara: We're talking about you, Hannah.
Hannah: It must've been so terrible being trapped like that all alone. Did your life flash in front of your eyes?
Sara: That is none of your business.
Hannah: You must've been so sad knowing that you were gonna lose everyone who mattered to you.
Sara: Stop it, Hannah.
Hannah: Look, I know how it feels. One moment my parents were alive, and the next they were gone.
Sara: Answer the question!
Hannah: My life changed in that moment. All that I have left is Marlon. Why would I do anything to hurt him?
Sara: [stands and hits the table] Stop playing games with me!
[leaves the room]
Hannah: You're the one who's playing games.

Sara: [to Lockwood] Soccer bunnies? What are soccer bunnies?
Detective: Well, each cheerleader is assigned a soccer player. She's his bunny. Gives him gifts the night before the big game, places his wake-up call...
Sara: Sounds sexual.
Detective: Yeah, that's what I asked the principal, but he said no. He said that, uh... it's all good, clean fun. Gifts are inspirational videos like, uh, Rocky and wake-up calls are pep talks, nothing more.
Sara: Yeah, well, I'm not sure the principal's up to speed on teenagers' sexual habits.

Nick: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation?
Captain: Well, I keep one by the bed, in case I dream something useful.
Nick: Hmmm?
[looks shocked]
Captain: What? I can't have deep thoughts?

Ronnie: [about the Jiminezes] How are we going to handle this?
Sara: Well, the guy's under arrest.
Ronnie: He'll be free by tomorrow. Her husband is obviously abusing her.
[sighs]
Ronnie: There's got to be something we can do.
Sara: We'll be back for her body next month. Or his. Or both. There is nothing you can do about this, Ronnie. Don't kid yourself.

Greg: Well, in the interest of posterity I took it upon myself to establish a provenance to the killer's gloves, I mean DNA wise, on my own time of course, which I have precious little so as to come to something...
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Greg, why are you always doing this?
Greg: ...Because you make me nervous.

Captain: [about Langston] He's a little cranky for an academic, isn't he?
Gil: Actually, he's an M.D from back east. A colleague at his hospital turned out to be an angel of death, killed 27 patients before he was caught. Langston was the staff's research pathologist, all the morbidity evidence came across his desk, but he was unable to connect the dots. He wrote a book about it.
Captain: Was it any good?
Gil: I liked it.

David: Why can't people die closer to the road?

Sara: [about Catherine's daughter having a birthday] What's the rule, how long do I have to be here before I start kickin' in for gifts?
Catherine: When spirit moves you, Sara, so in your case I guess, um, never.

Gil: It's only the truly powerful that have the luxury to relinquish power.

Lieutenant: Thanks for bringing him in, Blake
Officer: No problem I'm heading back out on patrol
Lieutenant: Change of plans, I cleared with your sergeant, I need you to cover Dolan at the reception desk
Officer: Okay, you know how I love taking orders from you
Lieutenant: Oh my god, do I have to report you for insubordination, officer Hughes?
Officer: Go ahead, I'll claim sexual harassment, lieutenant Hughes
D.B. Russell: Guys, get a room! Oh, that's right, you don't have to. You're already married

Brother: I do still receive contributions, to preserve his good name
Daniel: That's called extortion
Brother: That is such an ugly word

Al: Piano wires. They're used to mobilize the lower part of the abdominal skin and anchor the neo-vagina, so it can heal in place.
Catherine: I can only imagine those cramps.

Gil: [about Joanne McKay] Well, jail or no jail, I don't think she'll last 6 months. She'll die without her son.
Sara: That would be better for both of them.

Sy: I hear they're using all the backhoes in hell to dig him a new pit.
Captain: We're, uh, focusing on his life here on earth.

Greg: I found this toilet behind my apartment complex. It's volunteered for an experiment.
Sara: It's moving.

Sara: [after looking at the Izzy Delancy miniature] I think Malibu Barbie did it.

[Processing the crime scene in the 2nd scenario]
Catherine: [Talking to a voice recorder] The condition of the interior could be the result of a struggle, or the simple understandable panic of a man trapped inside a freezer. In any event, the emergency relieve handle appears to be bend and rendered inoperative and several chemical contenders broken in the process, possibly releasing chloroform under this place. I'm sending samples to Trace to confirm.
[Turns off the recorder and smiles]
Catherine: Trace, is there anything you can't do?
[Back to reality]
Wendy: [Rolling eyes] Hodges!
David: Sorry.

Ryan: It's the truth - I swear to God - even if it never happened.

Gil: [while looking at the blood stained staple gun] If this is a gang war, these kids were outgunned.

Gil: What we are never changes. Who we are never stops changing.

David: Why can't people die closer to the road?

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: So, I'm thinking that the wife might be in on this.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Well, why didn't she plan better? Pack the kid's clothes.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: What?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: The nanny told me that she only took one shirt; one the kid wouldn't even wear.

Nick: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.

Catherine: Well, you do the math: Dead female spouse plus missing husband equals murder.

[last lines]
Walter: [to Grissom] What does Nick Stokes mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel, knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent? Good. Welcome to my world.
[unbuttons his jacket and shows explosives hooked up around his waist; puts his finger on the button]
Walter: Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.
[presses the button]

Tammy: You're making a mistake. I didn't kill my father. We weren't alone.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, but there's no evidence to indicate that there was a third person present at the crime scene.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Who else was there?
Tammy: I tried to stop her. I swear.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Tammy, who was with you?
Tammy: Melissa Marlowe, but that bitch wouldn't listen.

[Cath's ex cheated on her]
Catherine: I can tell you first hand, when you don't cheat, you don't suspect.
Captain: Oh, man, I wish I had been married to you.
Catherine: Not a chance.

Wendy: I have a question. How do you have sex with the guy who killed your daughter?
Gil: Revenge is an act of passion.

Greg: You know, I kind of feel bad for these girls.
Hodges: Don't feel too bad. They have health benefits, good pay. The women get regular check-ups. The industry is well-regulated. As opposed to picking a hooker up off the street. Does she have a disease? Multiple diseases? Is she crazy? Is she gonna roll you? Where do you go? Do you do it in your car, behind a building, down a dark alley? So you drive around, scared out of your mind, finally get the nerve up, pick one you like, call her over, she gets in. Next thing you know, you're down on the pavement, cuffed, because she's an undercover cop, but luckily you were three months shy of your eighteenth birthday so when you call your mom to come get you, it doesn't go on my permanent record.
Greg: [momentarily speechless] ... Okay.

Gil: I'll be back in four weeks, Stop Hugging Me!

[Gil Grissom and David Philipps are rolling Warrick's corpse on a stretcher in the morning, and come across Dr. Robin at the morgue]
Gil: Are you gonna do the post?
Al: No. I've asked the dayshift I'm gonna handle this one.

Greg: If you've added up every cent I've made in my entire life, I still wouldn't be able to afford half this car... It's art. And I'd have every girl in the neighborhood after me.
Sofia: Not when they saw your apartment.
Sara: You've been to Greg's apartment?
Sofia: Who hasn't?

Warrick: [to Matthew] Eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind? You taught me that.
Matt: My perspective has changed.

Thomas: I didn't do nothing. She was dead. I didn't come within two feet of her. I'm sorry about what happened, but that's all that I know.
Catherine: If you so much as breathed on this child, the evidence will tell me. You can dope your urine, change your name, compare yourself to Elvis himself, but if you harmed Sandy Dantini, I'm going to get you.

Zach: You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college.
Greg: Me?
Sara: Him?

[Dr. Robbins uses home pregnancy tests instead of buying from the lab's expensive supplier]
Catherine: Eye on the bottom line. I find that...
Dr. Al Robbins: Sexy?
Catherine: Prudent. That was a good try, though.
Dr. Al Robbins: Plus sign. You know what that means.
Catherine: Who's yo daddy?

Gil: There's too many forensics shows on TV.

Nick: [Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.
Archie: You first.

[after telling Grissom something that Grissom already knows]
Greg: I guess I should stop trying to impress you.
Gil: That would impress me.

Tavian: We're taking the body.
Catherine: Mr. Tombs, I'm sorry, but in a crime like this, an autopsy's mandatory. Evidence from your son's body may lead us to the suspect.
Tavian: You're telling me what I can and can't do?
Catherine: It's not your call anymore.

Gil: There are three things in life that people like to stare at. A rippling stream, a fire in a fireplace and a zamboni going round and round.
Sara: Charlie Brown. 'I love a zamboni'

Lady: I don't respond well to men who judge me based solely on my profession.
Sara: I get that a lot too, law enforcement.
[they share a smile]

[Examining a crime scene]
Nick: So, what do you think it is? Cocaine maybe?
Catherine: Nope.
Nick: How can you tell just by looking at it?
Catherine: Never you mind.

[after finding ejaculate on a table and bed sheets]
Greg: We want to see who *came* and went.
[Grissom gives him a weird look]

Nick: [to Drops] Okay, now, I need you to remove all of your clothing, including your shoes.
[gives Drops some orange scrubs for him to wear]
Nick: You can put these on for now and I'll come back to get them when you're done.
Drops: No, thanks. Uh, I got one of my queens bringing me a suit. I will not be throwing on these nasty ass scrubs.
Nick: You are covered in blood. Your clothes are evidence now and I'm going to come back in here and I'm going to get them. If not, you're just going to be standing here in your underwear.
Drops: What underwear? I don't wear drawers.
Nick: This is not a compromise, Kellen.
[grabs his kit and things off the table and heads for the door; to Officer Mitchell]
Nick: You might want to close your eyes or turn around or something.

Greg: I'm like a sponge. I just absorb information.
Gil: I thought that was my line.
Greg: Yeah, and I absorbed it.

Hodges: [on seeing Greg covered in spaghetti sauce] Some garlic bread, some nice Chianti maybe?
Greg: Kiss my ass. I'd like to see you crawl around a dumpster, determining the difference between blood and marinara sauce, with six mobster goons giving you the stink eye.

Warrick: You don't recognize that guy, do you? It's Tom Haviland, movie star.
Gil: Clark Gable was a movie star.

[to Grissom, explaining her evening tea ritual]
Lady: I like a bit of civility before dark, before all the needy little boys show up.

Catherine: So, if he was hooking it up in Tranny Town, we'd expect to find some man-on-man porn. All we've got here is varying sizes of jugs.

[At a crime scene]
Catherine: Which of the seven deadly sins aren't represented here?

Greg: [after suspect attacked him] That bitch just bit me!

Sara: I bet you really liked high school.
Nick: Yeah. Playin' football, chasin' girls, books when I wanted to learn somethin', what's not to like?

[the team has entered the secret room and is dumbfounded to see it garnished with man-sized baby furniture]
C.S.I. Swing Shift Supervisor Catherine Willows: Wow! Just when you had thought you'd seen it all.
Warrick: People live in fear with this guy?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Imagine the fear he lived with.

Catherine: [to Grissom] Who are you today? Moses?

Nick: You need to get a girlfriend.
David: I'm engaged, but thank you.

Warrick: Where are you going?
Gil: Away.
[Rides a rollercoaster alone]

Catherine: Well... an old lady wears flats or slippers. I can't imagine that this vic entertained.
Gil: You got to be careful with isolation. It can escalate. Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady living in the rundown house.

Captain: Every new hire should experience an autopsy on their first night.

Catherine: So, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Gil: How amazing the universe is. Everything made from the same carbon, stars to trees, trucks to human bones.
Catherine: Uh, no, I was thinking that we have about 100 bone fragments. We could ID this body before the end of the shift.

Catherine: Come on, Sara. This can't wait.
Sara: It can't or you can't?
Catherine: Both
[Sara sighes and gets up]
Catherine: Get a up of coffee on me.
Sara: you know the coffee is free.

Nick: Poor guy! Died twice!

[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]
Catherine: Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate.

[Last lines]
Don: [Crying] Look, I wish I could say that I'm sorry for the trouble I've put you through, or the petty crimes that I've committed, but I didn't hurt anyone. If Martin Sidley is behind bars, and my daughter's getting a funeral, then it's all I wanted.
Catherine: [sighing] I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we couldn't find your daughter without your help.

Captain: Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams?
Lady: It's when I don't hear screams that I start to worry.

Warrick: Whose blood is that?
Gil: The new girl. Want to donate?
Warrick: Hell, no.

Nick: Momentum's a bitch.

Dr. Al Robbins: [after David has performed an autopsy on a living man, who later passes on] All right David, take two.

Greg: Cirque du Soleil has cameras all over that theatre. They use them for performance review. I went through all the feeds the Cirque guys sent over and I have to tell you, Siegfried & Roy's disappearing elephant no longer impresses me.
Gil: I'll tell you how they did that later.

Dr. Al Robbins: Come on, you bitch!

Nick: Shut up. She was not.
Warrick: I saw her in action.
Nick: Really?
Warrick: Yeah, she was.
Nick: Catherine?
Catherine: I was what?
Warrick: I was just telling Nick how you were a big bully in high school.
Catherine: A bully? All right, I guess I was. But, I mean, not the kind that people want to take a gun out and shoot.
Warrick: No.
Nick: No, no. You were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress.
Catherine: Like you, Nick, huh? Oh, Nick... what were you in high school?
Nick: Me? I was, uh... I was "dependable".
Catherine: Dependable.
Nick: Mmhmm.
Catherine: Dependable jock, dependable stoner?
Nick: No. Never a strap, never a smoker. Just all-around "dependable" guy, I guess.
Warrick: Cath laughs. right before Sara walks into the break room: What Nick's trying to say he was unpopular.
Nick: pointing at Warrick for emphasis: No, no I'll tell you what I wasn't; I wasn't a Mac Daddy wannabe with a 'Members Only' jacket.
Warrick: What's wrong with those Member's Only jackets? They were kinda cool back in the day.
Sara: Nick, Ronny's got something on Liquid Man, says it's hot.
Nick: Great.
Warrick: Hey Sara, what were you in high school?
Sara: Nick walks past her and sniffs: Science nerd.
Nick: whispers: You changed? But you still smell. Let's go.

Dr. Jenna Williams: The leg was severed post-mortem.
Catherine: Well, that's good news.
Dr. Jenna Williams: How do you figure?
Catherine: Would you want to be alive while your leg's being cut off?

Jeremiah: Yo, man, my grandpa was a gangster back in the day. You'd be surprised.
Jim: Yeah, I'm really not surprised by much anymore.

Catherine: You were with her all night, can you explain why? I know you don't go home and cuddle your insects every single night, but why would you go there knowing we're in the middle of an investigation? And now she's a prime suspect with you as her alibi.
Gil: It was a social call. That's all.
Catherine: So, when your personal life gets tangled up in a case, that's off limits?
Gil: Yes.
Catherine: Isn't that a little hypocritical?
Gil: Apparently so.
Catherine: You know, I'd slap you but I think you'd enjoy it too much.

CIA: We recruit agents; we're called officers

[Grissom doesn't answer his phone]
Catherine: Who do you keep avoiding?
Gil: Ecklie.
Catherine: Ah, that means you should answer it.
Gil: No, he just wants to yell at me because I'm late with the personnel evaluations. It can wait.

Greg: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.
Gil: All play and no work makes Greg an UNEMPLOYED boy.

Dr. Tyrell Neth: The idea of animal transformation - therianthropy - is as ancient as mankind itself. In native cultures, young males gain an animal spirit at puberty. Often the initiate must kill his spirit animal, consume it as a right of passage.
Dr. Raymond Langston: Yes I'm familiar with the concept but umm... my understanding of therianthropy is that it's fleeting, it's meant to be symbolic. In many cultures, the notion of retaining the shape of the beast is seen as nothing less than a curse.
Sara: Cat got your tongue? Maybe you could loosen it enough to tell us about Iona Vail.

Catherine: One of my guys is in trouble: He's been kidnapped. I need a million dollars in cash. Large bills. And I need it now.
Sam: Let me guess: The department won't pay the ransom.
Catherine: No.
Sam: Why should I?
Catherine: Considering the problems that you've had with the law, you could use some good publicity.
Sam: Do I look like a man that needs publicity? If you're coming to me like a cop with a tin cup in your hand, the answer is no.
Catherine: I'm not here as a cop.
Sam: Then ask me like you were my daughter.

Warrick: [as Warrick and Sara are watching Brass get a commendation on TV] Brass looks like he's about to puke.
Sara: Or punch someone.

[a skeleton is found in a house foundation]
Gil: By law, you've got to disclose everything: three bedrooms, two baths and a skeleton.

Wendy: You know, if you're still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that this isn't your lab, I suggest counseling.
Greg: I would like you to run these, please?
Wendy: M'kay.

Tina: [referring to Brenda] That was the last night he was going to touch her.
Gil: But why your mother? Why your brothers?
Tina: Because they should have protected me.
Gil: You?
Tina: I was young. I learned to deal, but when he went after my daughter...
Gil: Daughter? Who's...
Tina: The father? I was 13 and nobody noticed that my clothes were getting bigger.

Nick: [in the lab, looking at an object from the landfill] Found a pregnancy test. Better luck next time.
[sets it aside]

Warrick: $500 for five dollars worth of honey? I don't think it's worth it.
Nightclub: Those are mostly for decoration, but once in a while, some bigwig comes, takes one of 'em out of here.
Horatio: [searching through receipts] Wouldn't it have been easier to put these in order? This is gonna take forever.
Calleigh: Maybe not. I've got a receipt from two nights ago.

Director: Excuse me, hi, can you identify yourself for the camera, please? Just look right in the lens.
Gil: What is this?
Director: It's a reality crime show. We're following you for this investigation. Sheriff promised full cooperation.
Catherine: We got that memo. They're "Hard Crime".
Director: That's us; we put the folks who look in the microscopes under the microscopes.
Catherine: Right. You see, it's good P.R. for the department. Try not to bust their chops, okay?
Director: You ever see the show? It's got a lot of forensics.
Gil: There's too many forensics shows on TV.

Buddy: That son of a bitch! He was working off the books. I can't believe he would try to stiff me.
Sara: He's actually the one who got stiffed.

Officer: How long has it been here?
Gil: I don't know. Sealed bag, coal moist environment, could be weeks, could be years. But it's definitely human. Call the coroner, tell him he's got soup to go.

Father: You don't believe?
Gil: In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.
Father: Even if they're handed down by God?
Gil: How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?
Father: Fanaticism, not religion.
Gil: Semantics. They're still dead.

[Grissom leaves the ballroom and comes to the hotel]
Officer: Hey, Griss. What's with the monkey suit?
Gil: I was at a funeral across the street.
Officer: At a casino? My condolences.

Captain: Welcome to the party.
Catherine: [to Grissom & Ecklie] What's going on? This is my scene.
Conrad: High profile case - woke up the supervisors. All hands on deck, Cath. Grissom's lead on this, he's the senior supervisor... I'm an administrator, I run interference for you guys. Starting with the press.
Gil: It's nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like these rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.
Catherine: I need help. Not supervision.

Gil: [to Robbins about Izzy Delancy] Cause of death?
Al: [sings] Blunt force trauma to the back of the skull and a fracturing of the occipital lobe there was massive hemorrhaging on the brain and death was probably swift. Yeah!
Gil: [glances down at Izzy's body] Sorry, Izzy.

Gil: You're very organized, Dr. Hillridge. I imagine you're upset about your dog, having to put him down if it comes to that.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: I don't hold onto things. I accept the evolution of change. We live, we die, we replenish the earth.
Gil: Man's best friend, but not yours, huh?
Dr. Susan Hillridge: None of us gets out alive. I would think, in your job, you'd know that.

Catherine: [about Thayer] The guy's an ass.
Gil: He used to be a competent scientist. We actually co-authored a paper together 10 years ago. I believe greed has gotten in his way.
Catherine: Well, I've seen him on the stand. He manipulates evidence.
Gil: He manipulates people. The public assumes that scientists are ethical, but many of us are no better than politicians, evidently.

Dr. Leigh Sapien: Rebirthing may not be a recognized therapeutic procedure, but it's not illegal.
Detective: Last time I checked, murder is.

Gil: [to Susan Hillridge] We found blood in your kitchen blender. The lab has matched it to the dead jogger.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: It had to happen eventually.
Gil: Why?
Dr. Susan Hillridge: You're the scientist. I should have thought you'd figured that out.
Gil: I haven't.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Think of the bugs, Grissom. Cycle of life. Angels versus insects. When we die, the fable we tell ourselves is we go toward a white light and angels. But you and I both know the hard reality is that insects arrive immediately and begin turning us back to earth.
Gil: Yes, but the insects haven't killed anyone.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: No. But they'd die if they didn't have bodies to feed off of. And so will I.
[Grissom looks at Susan]
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Porphyria.
Gil: The madness of King George.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Or the Legend of the Vampire. Which makes it a real hard disease to have, but it's real for me.
Gil: It's genetic.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: The only thing my father ever gave me. The first time it presented was after a minor sunburn. My lips receded. So did my gums. I increased my glucose intake and I was fine... for a while. I began a drug regimen, but they only treated the symptoms. I had my spleen removed because it absorbed my blood, but nothing helped. Lesions started forming on my face. That's when I bought my first dog. Bullets and poison leave residue in the blood. Dogs kill clean. Imagine what I'd look like by now without them.
Gil: You could've tried intravenous hematin.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: Human blood is the richest source of heme.
Gil: And so you extracted the organs with the most blood: the liver, the spleen, the heart.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: If you lock me up, I'll go mad.
Gil: Unfortunately, a symptom of your condition, but you've been killing people, doctor.
Dr. Susan Hillridge: I'll die in prison.
Gil: Yes, but the people you'd be feeding off of will still be alive. Cycle of life.

Sara: You rang?
Archie: Yes, found the owner of that cell phone.
Sara: Megan.
Archie: Nope. Shiela Latham.
Sara: What is Megan's best friend's cell phone doing in the front seat of her boyfriend's van?
Archie: [singing] If that's your boyfriend, if that's your boyfriend...
Sara: He wasn't last night.

[Catherine is trying not to laugh at a man waist-deep in concrete]
Gil: Catherine, do you need a moment?

Captain: I still can't believe you messed up the crime scene.
Gil: Her body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.
Captain: Uh-huh. It's gonna bother you all day.

[Grissom and Catherine are looking at a science project class volcano]
Catherine: In fifth grade I built one of these as my science fair project, it was awesome. First place should have been mine, but they ended up giving it to this kid with some lame red ant colony.
[Catherine looks at Grissom who is smiling]
Catherine: That was you!
Gil: Yeah, only my ants were black Argentineans.
Catherine: Uh-huh...
Gil: I learned at a very early age that the bugs always win.
Catherine: Right...

Al: Before you ask: no, I didn't find her third eye.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: What did you find?

Greg: [referring to all of the hot dogs he just bought] ... And now there are over 50 major brands.
Gil: Well, good luck. I'm rooting for you.
Greg: Hopefully I'll find a weener!
[referring to winner]
Greg: .

David: [to Greg] Good job, gas-hopper.

D.B. Russell: "I wear a mask. And that mask, it's not to hide who I am, but to create what I am"
Sara: I give up. Are you quoting Sun Tzu?
D.B. Russell: Eh, no, no, no. A different warrior: Batman, volume 1, number 624. What are you doing?
Sara: Oh, I'm just trying to see your feet. The last Batman fan I met was shoeless and lives in an alley. You know, I never pegged you for a comic book nerd
D.B. Russell: My early teens, every dime I had went to comic books
Sara: I guess I just don't get it. You know? My childhood fantasies was never my escape. I lost myself in science and numbers, it's all I needed I guess
D.B. Russell: Well, you liked things that were clear and proven. Right or wrong. Black or white
Sara: Maybe

Nick: [after accidentally breaking a valuable sword] I was being careful, I swear!

Shannon: I have to kill you.

Catherine: Karen did not want that for Jesse.
Jim: Well, it's still murder.

David: From the sound of it, I'd say he's been dead about two months.
Sara: Sound of it?
David: [shakes the bag, liquid sloshes around inside it]

Store: [to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it.
[puts the box down on the side]
Store: Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.
Captain: What time was that?
Store: About three. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.
Captain: Was it busy?
Store: Kind of.
Captain: How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?
Store: Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.
Captain: Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.

Archie: She did a walk out.
Sara: A "walk out"?
Archie: Yeah, my girlfriend does it all the time. She finds something she likes, rips the tags off in the dressing room, hands them to the clerk and walks out wearing the new stuff.
Sara: [smiling] You go shopping with your girlfriend? That's nice.
[Archie smiles]

Sara: I'll drive.
Greg: You always do.

Captain: News flash from the loony bin. Two reported deaths in the last three years from "complications due to restraint procedures."
Gil: And how many have gone unreported?
Captain: The hospital just got off probation. One more death by restraint brings the Feds in.
Gil: Good incentive to keep it quiet.
Captain: Or make it look like someone else did it.
Gil: Yeah. Somebody who's crazy.

Riley: So what does that means, that the killer is using some sort of gas chamber?
Gil: I think so. He lures someone back to his place, slips them in secret, then redresses in position the bodies inside a ceiled container. Waits for the carbon monoxyde to goes up, once the bodies are in full rigor he's got about 10 hours to place them, and have them discovered.
Nick: Now that we know the recipe let's find the cook.

Nick: [holding a pair of excised butt implants] Y'know, I spent twelve hours on a court bench last week - I coulda used a pair of these bad boys.

Cassie: [Nick and Cassie are alone in Cassie's hospital room; Cassie has a small notebook in her hands; Cassie writes in the notebook] Where is my family?
Nick: They're in Vegas.
Cassie: [writes in the notebook] I'm ten years old. Don't baby me!
Cassie: The bodies are in the coroner's office, honey.

Avery: This Brass is good. And he is asking all the right questions, just not my question. Do you mind if we change dealers?

Gil: Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body?
Catherine: Yes professor. I too took osteology.

David: [During the autopsy of Mandy Kirk] Trauma to her internal organs. Spleen, liver, heart. They all sustained multiple mastications.
Sara: Hmm. You able to isolate the species?
David: From the tooth mark on her left ninth rib.
Sara: Dog maybe? Teeth marks are too small for a mountain cat.
David: They're human.
Sara: [looks up at David] You're lying.

Catherine: So you get the team back together only to break us apart again. What kind of a perverse game are you playing here, Gil?
Gil: I'm not a pervert.

Sara: Jesse's been missing for four years. We're chasing a ghost.