The Best Craig Feldspar Quotes

Craig Feldspar: Hey, Lois, you signin' up for softball?
Lois: I don't need to sign up, Craig, I'm coaching the team this year.
Craig Feldspar: You are?
Lois: Yes. Stu was gonna do it, but his wife got born-again and ruined his Sundays.

Craig Feldspar: There's got to be some scenario where you can see us together, please! Anything!
Lois: Okay, this is the only universe this could possibly exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching myself on fire. There's no money for a nurse, the kids won't do it, and I'm asleep 22 hours a day. Then and only then maybe could we be together.
Craig Feldspar: It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.

Craig Feldspar: Malcolm, I think you're forgeting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"

Hal: [sitting on Craig and patting his belly continuously] Say uncle!
Craig Feldspar: No!
Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it. One simple word.
Craig Feldspar: Duncle.
Hal: Aha, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.

Hal: Look, Fats, I don't want you around my house no more.
Craig Feldspar: Hey, you don't go to the fat thing and I won't go to the crazy thing.

Craig Feldspar: [Lois and other Lucky Aid employees are inside the store, chasing a squirrel that bit Craig] Wait, he's headed for the front door! Watch out. He's got murder in his eyes...
[sobbing loudly]
Craig Feldspar: ...and a cute fluffy tail!

[the boys are teaching Craig how to fight dirty]
Reese: For convenience, we have divided the human body into the three major theaters - the head...
[a watermelon with eggs for eyes]
Reese: ...the torso...
[a garbage bag full of sausages]
Craig Feldspar: What are those?
[points to a bag of plums]
Reese: You know what those are.

Craig Feldspar: [ripping up paper] Forget this. You can't learn anything from a resume. So, tell me about your employment history.

Craig Feldspar: [Dewey hears what he thinks he hears Craig's voice saying in his head while feeding the cat] Everyone likes you better than your brothers. Someday, you're going to be the president of Idaho, and anyone taller than you will be fed to the wolves.

[at Lucky Aide, Craig continues to resist his father's offer.]
Craig Feldspar: Dad, what are you doing here? How many times do I have to tell you? No at Malcolm's house. No at Applebee's. And no, as you jogged alongside my car.

Reese: [about fighting dirty] Now, the first thing you need to know is that this is all about pride. Do you have pride, Craig?
Craig Feldspar: Yes.
Reese: Okay, that is not the answer I was looking for. You show me a man with pride and I'll show you a man with limited options.

Craig Feldspar: You know, I've never been really big on the sissy stuff, So I'd better just haul tush.