The Best Daniel von Bargen Quotes

[about to be hung]
Ulysses: It ain't the law!
Sheriff: The law? The law is a human institution.

Commandant: In my thirty years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
Hal: Sir, did you say "caned?"
Commandant: No.

Sheriff: You're nothing but a drifter who found a bag of mail.

Francis: But Sir, we just did close-order drill.
Commandant: Is that what that was? It looked like physical therapy at a head trauma ward.

Commandant: [after Francis found him another job in a retirement home] You call that a collage. It is an insult to the craft, I can see paste coming up from the popsicle stick.
Inuit: I'm sorry, I have arthritis.
Commandant: That's it, you have just lost pudding for the whole group. Feel free to thank Mrs. Meektijuk after I leave.
[the former Commandant Spangler leaves and the other eldery residents starts despising him the same way Francis and Eric did at Marlin Academy]

Commandant: Remember son, a good solider always checks the chamber.

Commandant: Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies.
Francis: What about Ghandi?
Commandant: Sissy.

Commandant: [Francis's home-boy Richie is spending his first day at the Military Academy] What's your name, Cadet?
Richie: Richie. Pleasure...
[he extends his hand to shake with the Commandant]
Commandant: Listen closely, Cadet. This is not going to be easy for you. Your family sent you here because you couldn't handle it at home. Maybe you were coddled. Well, there is no coddling here. Make a mistake and you will be punished. Be aware, Cadet, I am keeping my eye on you.
Richie: [he begins to laugh out loud] Good one.
Commandant: Pardon?
Richie: [the Commandant wears an eye patch] Y'know, you got only one eye, like Popeye. I think it's cool that you're cool with it.
Commandant: [the Commandant thinks about it, then laughs himself] That's amusing. I've never heard that before. Carry on. Popeye. Quite amusing.
Richie: [to Francis, as Spangler exits laughing] Is he, like, our butler or somethin'?

Commandant: [to Francis] I am tired of all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning reveille with a selection from trip-hop wizard Tricky. Maybe I should just rename this Francis' "I didn't mean to" file.

Commandant: Once again, I waltz with Lady Victory. And until you focus, Francis, she is never going to be your dance partner.