100 Best Lois Quotes

Lois: Francis, you can do this. Just stick your hands inside mommy and pull the baby out!

Malcolm: I did a terrible thing today. I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But... it's not half as bad as what Reese did!
[opens up Reese's backpack and pulls out the destroyed Mighty Man doll]
Lois: Oh, my God! Was this Dewey's present?
Dewey: Present?
Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?
Hal: I'm on it. That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
Malcolm: There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?
Dewey: M-Mighty Man?
Lois: I can't believe you.
Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
Reese: First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
Lois: Who says we're not going?
Reese: You did.
Lois: Well, you can guess again. You are going to march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor, dead woman.

Lois: Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.
Hal: Okay. Reese... is hopeless.
Lois: Thank you.

[Lois has just punished Reese for his prank against Malcolm in wrecking Stevie's acceptance speech in Good Manners Awards show. She is vacuuming the house as he carries his peeled skin suit.]
Lois: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting.
Reese: Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now.
[The vacuum takes in Reese's snake skin.]
Reese: [shrieks] Noooooo.
Lois: It just took it.
Reese: That could've been me.
[unplugs the vacuum]
Reese: I need five minutes alone with the vacuum.
[Reese takes the vacuum and leaves.]

Malcolm: Mom, I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs. Look at this. Jelly in the pockets, the fly's broken and it smells like wet dog.
Lois: Well, you should be glad he only wore it once.

Lois: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play?
Hal: That's great. It's not a musical, is it?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: That's great.
Reese: Dude, you play a fairy?
Lois: Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.

Lois: Honestly, Malcolm where'd you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?... The truth is, work is hard and miserable, and nobody likes doing it.
Reese: [bursting into the kitchen, ecstatic] I have the greatest job in the world!
Lois: You got a job?
Reese: Yeah. With Hygienic Meat Packing. All I do all day is cut meat, with knives and saws. There's blood everywhere. And there's all these guys swearing in Spanish. And they pay me twelve bucks an hour!

Piama: Mmm, so that's your famous pasta sauce that Francis talks so much about.
Lois: Yeah, I only make it for birthdays and acquittals. One time it was both.

Lois: [to Jamie] You do not pinch, you do not poke, you do not bite, you do not spit, you do not eye gouge, you do not vomit intentionally on other babies!
[as she carries Jamie over to Malcolm, Reese and Dewey]
Lois: A lifetime ban from Gymboree! A lifetime ban!

Lois: You... you people. I can't believe you. I asked you to do one thing that...
Francis: [through the phone] You're not asking. You're ordering.
[Lois slams the phone down on the counter]

Reese: I did it! I did it!
Malcolm: You passed the test?
Reese: I aced it.
Lois: You got five wrong.
Reese: Yeah, but I got eleven right. And that's good enough for my learner's permit. Man, if the DMV was running my school, I'd be like a "C" student.

Mr. Woodward: I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.
Lois: You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to Junior College, or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.
Mr. Woodward: I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.
Francis: [Francis appears at the kitchen window, screaming] Mom, please, let me come home. I'm cold and I'm hungry. Please. I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house, I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom, please, I want to be warm again.

Lois: Oh, my God, is that right? What time do you have?
Cashier: 5:45?
Lois: 5:45. That's not possible. Dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese, dinner is in the oven. Hah?
Cashier: What is it?
Lois: I have the next 25 minutes free.
Cashier: How did you manage that? Did you leave a kid somewhere?
Lois: No. No, they are all accounted for.
Cashier: What're you gonna do?

Lois: So, this morning Dewey tried to go to school in his underwear, because apparently the baby doesn't like his wardrobe.

Hal: [When it's revealed that Lois is pregnant] Oh, God, this is awful!
Lois: This can't be right. This must be some sort of mistake!
Hal: What are we going to do?
Lois: I don't know. We can't afford the children we have!

Lois: Drink your milk.
Dewey: It's lumpy!
Lois: Then chew it.

Lois: [to Ida] Mom, we need to talk. We just got some interesting news from the doctor.
Hal: Yes, uh, it's very good news. Well, kind of good news. Extreme news.
Lois: I'm pregnant.
Grandma: You're joking.
Lois: Believe me, we were as surprised as... as you are. You know, we're already stretched to the limit financially, and obviously, another baby is gonna make things even harder for us.
Hal: Yes, so in light of that and the burden it's going to put on us, don't you think that certain actions should be re-examined?
Grandma: Yes, yes of course.
[Hal & Lois breathe a sigh of relief]
Grandma: You should settle.
Hal: What?
Lois: Mom!
Grandma: It's for your own good. You can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it.

Lois: You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this.
Dewey: Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell!

Renee: [as she holds up three shirts] I can't decide between the peach, melon or the salmon. I just have to get all three.
Lois: No, honey, now you're going to have to make a choice.
Renee: Gee, Mom, if you're going to force me to wear knockoffs, can I at least just get what I want?

Hal: Honey, I know you think this is silly, and that I've just gone off the deep end again, but this isn't like the other times. I have a gift, Lois. And it would be wrong for me to turn my back on that.
Lois: Right. I see we've entered Phase Two. Which is fine, as long as you follow the rules. You have to go to work. You have to eat. You cannot involve the children.
Hal: And you're freezing the Joint Account.
Lois: Did it last week.

Lois: [In a flashback of when Francis was young]
[after seeing Francis pouring lighter fluid into a cup]
Lois: Fire... is... dangerous.
[starts the fireplace and throws Francis's teddy bear into it]
Lois: Fire can hurt you. Fire can kill you. I will not let that happen. Let me make one thing clear. I love you and I will do whatever I have to to take care of you, and keep you safe and happy and alive. I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this: I will... do... anything. That is how much I love you.

Mr. Dietrich: [facing Ida] We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family. But you're absolutely right, Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if you're not legally married, you'll still prevail in the case. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA tests of children, lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing. But I think you'd win.
Grandma: Finally a Canadian who isn't an idiot.
Mr. Dietrich: The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month. Canadian. And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses... it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years. Do you think you'll live that long?
Lois: God no! I mean... no.
Mr. Dietrich: Well I don't think you'll be breaking even anytime soon.
Lois: [faces Ida as Dietrich leaves] Well mom, you tried. Let's go.
Grandma: No, we're going to do this.
Lois: Weren't you listening? He says you would lose money going after this thing.
Grandma: I don't care. We're going to get a lawyer.
Lois: You really hate these people so much that you'll ruin yourself just to get even with them. It's stupid.
Grandma: [referring to Victor] He was my husband.

Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.
Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.

Malcolm: [to Reese] Give me my pen. I'm warning you!
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do? What's the baby going to do?
Malcolm: [punches Reese which knocks him to the ground]
Lois: Malcolm!
Hal: [as the rest of the family gathers around Reese] Malcolm? You can take Reese?

Francis: My friends were going river rafting. You wouldn't believe how jealous they were when they found I was going to be counting shampoo bottles at the Lucky-Aid.
Lois: I'm sorry, Francis, but it's a perfect fit, we needed people and you have no choice.

Lois: I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
Hal: [stops smiling] Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again, there will be consequences. *Dire* consequences.

Lloyd: Excuse me, can someone help me find Malcolm's bio-chem notes? I need them to do my assignment.
Lois: Get out of here, Lloyd! I'm in labor! I'm about to give birth!
Lloyd: ...It's a really important assignment.

Lois: You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then, they might care about yours.
Grandma: What the hell are you talking about?
Lois: I'm just trying to help you.
Grandma: I know you are , bushka. I'm sorry, there's a lot for me to remember - you can show me more tricks tomorrow.

Lois: Hal, why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun? I could use the time alone, anyway, to straighten up the house before the baby comes.
Piama: I can help you clean.
Lois: [trying to disguise her resentment of Piama] Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company.
Hal: Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.
Malcolm: Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.
Lois: Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.

Lois: Honey, this is just a phase. Every teenager goes through it. I did, your father did; Francis cried in the shower every day for six months. Reese wouldn't get out of the dryer. It's awkward, and it's painful, and you think it's never going to end. Now get out of bed. We're going to the zoo.
Malcolm: Why are we going to go stare at a bunch of pathetic, caged animals and fat suburban yahoos pointing and laughing at them?
Lois: Because I have a coupon.

Lois: Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper?

Lois: Mallory, I think we're all getting a little bit frazzled. Why don't we talk about this while we're modelling our clothes for each other at home?
Renee: Yeah, that's really good, Mom, because by then, the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off.
Lois: [looks at Mallory] Diet pills?
Mallory: I have a slow metabolism, okay?
[to Renee]
Mallory: And I don't burn off calories having sex with a different boy every night down by the creek!
Lois: [to Renee] I thought you were at band practice every night.
Daisy: There is no band!
Renee: Shut up, Flatsy Patsy. You don't know anything.
Daisy: I know you're pregnant.
Renee: [starts panicking] She is lying. That is ridiculous! I'm not pregnant because I know that sex is wrong, and immoral, and fun... no, wait...

Lois: [to Commandant Edwin Spangler who has an eyepatch] Hey, where's your eye?

Lois: After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people. And the one time I ask you for something, something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for and all I get are complaints!
Hal: Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or... or cruising around on my hog?
Lois: What hog?
Hal: Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?

Lois: You know what, Hal? I'm done. I give up.
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: Jamie wins. He beat me. All those years, all those terrible things those kids have done. It doesn't make me stronger, it's just worn me down. Like termites eating away at a house, until all that's holding up is paint. I'm just paint, Hal. Jamie knows it. You'll do a better job than I can. I trust you.
Hal: No, no, no. No-no-no-no-no-no! You can't leave me alone with those kids! We had a deal, Lois! You are in charge of the spiritual and emotional development, discipline and scary injuries. I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames and supply car snacks. You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!

Hal: [re: Francis] You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' Weekend at the military school, you two got into a swordfight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, '*You* shut up.' Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.
Lois: [pause] He started it.
Hal: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: No, you said he started it. What does that mean?
Lois: Just leave me alone.
Hal: How the hell can a baby start anything?
Lois: I don't know, Hal! Everything started so badly right after he was born!
Hal: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything?
Lois: I was stuck in the hospital. Without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks. All I could do was lie there, and worry about him, and think about how much he needed me, to nurse him, and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he's happy! He couldn't care less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him, and he was happy as a clown! I was just an intrusion.
Hal: Honey, I had no idea.
Lois: [breaking down] I know, it's wrong. And I know it's creepy! And I can't help it! I'm the worst mother of all time!
[They both burst into tears]
Hal: It's just as much my fault. We've never gotten this right! We are utter failures as parents! I mean, look at this pigsty! Look at how we live!
Lois: Why do we even bother making a will? All we'll leave our children is misery!
Hal: This family is an unmitigated disaster!

[Lois and Hal were forced to miss out on Dewey's performance because of Malcolm and Reese misbehaving and brawling at the Go-Kart race]
Lois: I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals.
Hal: For what is worth, you both are grounded again.

Lois: [to Francis] We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you caused us nothing but pain!
Francis: You want pain? I've got your scars, baby. Three and a half years in that horrible school!
Lois: We went without for that school!
Francis: Maybe I should thank you! Thank you, Mother for making my life a living hell!
Lois: Living hell? You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
Francis: It's over, lady, because I'm outta here!

Lois: This isn't right. Girls don't do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better.
Mallory: Oh, come off it! Who do you think made us this way?

Lois: Francis, you are going to stay in school until you graduate and that is all there is to it. And if you flunk out, then that's another year you're stuck there!
Francis: You just can't stand the fact that I'll be making more money than you!
[hangs up the pay phone, then the phone breaks from the wall hitting Francis in the foot; he screams and hits the trophy case; nearly everything breaks; Francis touches his chest]
Francis: Whoa, that was close.
[the leg of the trophy case breaks loose and falls on top of him]

Lois: Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over

Malcolm: Why do we have to go shopping anyway?
Lois: Because you ruin everything you own. New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers
Dewey: Mine do.

Lois: Fate is what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over.

Lois: [on the phone with Francis] We promised not to sue them, and they promised not to throw Reese in jail.

Lois: [Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine] What's her name?
Malcolm: Who?
Lois: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.
Malcolm: [exasperated] This isn't about a girl!
Reese: A girl wrote the dirty story.
Hal: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.
Malcolm: That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian.
Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.

Lois: Girls don't do this! You're supposed to be easy!
Mallory: No, Mom! You're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls. We know how you think, and we're not above using it!

[Hal is trying to educate two-year-old Reese]
Hal: [singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But *not* literally.
Lois: [nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese.
[close-up of Lois' enlarged chest]
Lois: He's two years old and still calls you "phone".
[Hal leaves]
Young: Phone go bye-bye.

Lois: Just let me talk to him, and I can end this in five minutes.
Sgt. Rowdy: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think.
Lois: Think? My son doesn't think. He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around this city already.
Hal: [watching the TV coverage] There's our drycleaner again.
Dewey: [handing the officer a nude baby snapshot] Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV.
Lois: Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how.
Sgt. Rowdy: Trust me, we have this under control.
Lois: [spitting angry] Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire.
Sgt. Rowdy: Ma'am, that almost never happens.

Francis: Just go to his apartment, tell him you love him, and ask him to come home.
Lois: Are you nuts? This is Reese we're talking about.
Francis: So what?
Lois: If we show that kind of weakness, it's like showing a hyena the belly of an animal.

Rudy: And, right, left, cha-cha-cha. And remember, God created artificial hips for a reason. Let's *use* them. And, back, two, cha-cha, finish. All right, very good. Everyone, let's pair up.
Reese: [the Teacher pairs with Lois, while Reese sees an old woman leering and coming toward him] No way!
Lois: [thumps Reese on the head] You be a gentleman.
Reese: [thinking out loud] It's just like touching a dead person. It's just like touching a dead person.

Lois: You couldn't have said twice as good as Disneyland?
Hal: You saw those presents, Lois! What was I supposed to do? My presents were crap! What did you make them?
Lois: Lanyards.
Hal: Still better than what I had. Look, I underestimated these boys, Lois, and they deserve to have a really great Christmas. How much money do we have?
Lois: Zero.
Hal: No, I mean everything: credit cards, loose change, everything?
Lois: Oh. Minus $512.
Hal: What? Oh, for God's sakes! Can you think of a Christmas reason for stopping somewhere I can sell blood?
Lois: Oh, Hal, don't worry about it. It'll be okay. You just need to find something that's a thousand times better than Disneyland, open on Christmas Day, and free.
Hal: Just because it's hard, Lois, doesn't mean it's impossible.

Dewey: Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came.
Lois: He did?
Hal: Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars?
Dewey: I got a rock and a half a stick of gum.
Lois: Malcolm! Reese!

Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow and I haven't even started reading it.
[to the camera]
Malcolm: Standard technique: you volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
Lois: So, what's the report on?
Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Oh, how many words?
Malcolm: 750.
Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
Lois: When did you get that?
Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment.
[to the camera]
Malcolm: Ooh, nice one.
Lois: Well, I suppose if it's schoolwork...
Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do..." right before he steals a loaf of bread?
Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
Lois: And when is it due?
Malcolm: Tomorrow. I told you.
Lois: On Les Miserables?
Malcolm: Yes. No! A Tale of Two Cities.
Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
Malcolm: Right.
Lois: But you just said you did.
Malcolm: No, I... I said I didn't, and then you said... it was... Thursday, and... look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral. There's no reason for me to go and I want to go to the concert with Julie!

Lois: What are we going to do? We're in debt up to our eyeballs as it is.
Lois: Well, we're just going to have to cut back. No more vacations, stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays and it wouldn't kill us to stop wearing designer labels.
Hal: Hal, whose life are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff.

Malcolm: The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.

Lois: I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility, he would rise to the challenge. Now, I'm not talking about giving him a key to the house or anything.

Lois: It's so nice to have a boy in the house who's not a rude little monster.
Reese: Hey, was that a shot at me?
Lois: Yes, honey. It was.

Hal: [to Ida] You're suing us?
Lois: Hal, keep it down. The boys are in the house!
Grandma: Don't be so dramatic. I'm suing insurance company.
Hal: Our insurance company!
Grandma: You don't think I have a case? You don't think I have pain that I have suffered? For years, I have suffered in silence.
Francis: You useless, miserable, money-grabbing old hag!
Grandma: Keep talking, tough boy. I sue you too.

Lois: [At the end of the episode]
[to her unborn child]
Lois: I hope you're a girl.

Lois: [yelling at Malcolm] Do you realize how close your father came to being a registered sex offender? A registered sex offender!
Malcolm: Mom, please. I feel terrible. I completely understand what I did. I sold out my own father for a girl. It's like the worst thing I've ever done. We both understand I'm a terrible person.
Lois: For some girl you don't even know! Who wouldn't give you the time of day! That's the gratitude you show your father!
Reese: Maybe I'm the good one after all.
[hands Lois some tea]
Reese: Here, Mom for your throat. I put a little honey on it.

Hal: She can't get away with this! I've had it, I'm going to toss her out on her cage!
Lois: Hal, we can't do that. She's my mother! My twisted, horrible monster of a mother.

Hal: I have to get my speech ready.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you. They're looking at you.
Hal: To, at. What's the difference?

Lois: Oh, Craig. Why'd you have to say that? Dear, sweet Craig... I am truly sorry. I'm sorry for the way you feel. I'm sorry for any indication I ever gave you that I consider you anything more than a friend. And I am SO sorry for what I have to do now! Because now I have to crush whatever it is in you that made you do what you just did. I am going to have to hurt you very, very badly, but believe me Craig, it's for your own good. Number one: NO to everything you just said. NO to what you're thinking. NO to everything you dream. NO to your what-ifs, NO to every single fantasy, wish, dream, and elaborate scenario that involves the two of us. NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Number two:
[Lois injures Craig's wrist]
Lois: REMEMBER THAT PAIN. Whenever a thought creeps into your head wondering if there's anything more to the "hello" I gave you in the morning, you remember that pain.

Lois: I brought Brownies.
Dorene: Well, isn't that thoughtful. Are those nuts?
Lois: Walnuts.
Dorene: Well, we can't have that. Some of the children are severely allergic.
Lois: Oh, my gosh, I had no idea. Whose child is allergic?
Dorene: Well, no-one in this class specifically, but you can never be too careful
[dumps the brownies in the trash]
Dorene: Believe me, this wasn't meant to publicly humiliate you. I'm sure they were delicious.

Lois: [Hal forgets about Lois's dance class, and makes a poker date with Abe] Great, now who am I going to go with?
Dewey: [as Lois looks around the kitchen, Dewey gets panicky] Did Reese finish his homework yet?
Reese: Of course I finished my homework.
Lois: Good. You can come to dance class with me.
Reese: What? No, I was lying. I didn't finish my homework. I don't even know what my homework is!
Lois: Go get your shoes.

Lois: You put the baby in the closet?
Hal: You left the milk on the table?

[Francis has just delivered Jamie]
Lois: You can go vomit now.
[the paramedics show up]
Paramedic: I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.

Francis: I'm working for a moron.
Lois: Of course you are, honey. Your boss is an idiot, your co-workers are incompetent and you are underappreciated. Welcome to the working world.

Lois: Look, Francis, I guess I get scattered. You know, sometimes I forget what I told you and you're not here, so...
Francis: I'm not there because you sent me away. I swear, I'm not even a part of this family anymore.
Lois: Francis, it's very important that you understand that is not true, but I don't have time right now.
Francis: Oh, I understand. It's not like it's a matter of life and death. Oh, wait, it is! Anyone else die in the last five minutes I should know about?
Lois: Francis, You wanna know everything that's been happening? Your father mowed the lawn, Reese polished off all the cereal and I dropped a frying pan on my foot and I got a big black mark. You want me to send a picture?

Dewey: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is...
Hal: You have to go to school.
Dewey: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week?
Lois: [sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school.
Dewey: [happily] Okay.

Lois: The teacher thinks I have a dancer's ankles. What do you think? Huh? Want to dance with the star pupil?
Hal: Huh?
Lois: You know, *dance*!
Hal: No, I'm not in the mood.
Lois: You're always in the mood.
Hal: Not every single night of my life.
Lois: Yes you are.
Hal: I'm not like some kind of machine.
Lois: Yes you *are*.
Hal: You can't just snap your fingers...
Lois: Yes, I can. I always have.
Hal: [annoyed, seeing no way out] Oh, all right!

Hal: [Hal gets up to check on the kids] You better be naked when I get back.
Lois: Done.

Lois: [as a chase to a waterslide ensues, Lois grabs Reese's arm] DO YOU THINK WE'RE WEALTHY?
Malcolm: Huh?
Lois: Do you think we're wealthy? Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They have fresh pasta. Do we do any of those things? NO! Wealthy people can afford any of their vacations ruined, no big deal. They just pick up and go again. Your father and I worked so hard, so long. What IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO? ARE YOU ABORIGINES? Every time I turn around, I hear someone screaming and fighting. And I pray to God that's someone else's children, but it's not, it's always you! Sane children would appreciate this. Are you even thinking? No, you're always at each other like a couple of rabid monkeys. It is not enough you two do this every day, but you have to make me suffer. Well, help me... .
[Comes to the realization that Reese and Malcolm are up to something]
Lois: Don't you dare!
[Malcolm pushes Lois down the slide by the finger and she screams]
Attendant: Arms and legs crossed at all times.
Reese: That's the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Reese: You're gonna die.
Malcolm: I know. So, you think Mom's going to be okay?
[Lois pulls the two of them down the slide as well. While going down the slide, she continues yelling at Malcolm and Reese]
Lois: This is the last time I'm taking you boys anywhere.
[Lois, Malcolm and Reese emerge from the slide, splashing everyone including Hal]

Lois: [coaching Malcolm on the Lucky Aide softball team] OK, remember. It's hips, then shoulders. It's just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants.
Stephanie: [later, the daughter of one of the softball players teases Malcolm] So, can I see the underwear dance?
Malcolm: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you... Would you?
Stephanie: Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet.
Lois: [Lois wants Malcolm on the practice field] Malcolm, let's go. We've got to get to your zit doctor before five o'clock.
Malcolm: [mortified] Mom!
Lois: What? Awhh, your friend doesn't care about that. Look at her face. She probably goes to the same doctor.

Lois: Jamie, this is ridiculous! You'll eat dead bugs out of the zapper, for God's sake, why won't you eat your peas?

Hal: Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom...
Lois: What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you.
Dewey: It said you'd say that.

Lois: Look, Reese. Some people are born book-smart. Others are born crafty and street-smart. You, I'm afraid, are neither.

Dewey: I just want you to know, if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl, it's on your head.
Lois: No, it's not.

Lois: Malcolm, what are you walking like that?
Malcolm: My side still hurts.
Lois: But it's the weekend.

Lois: [tensions have been mounting as Hal learns of a possible health problem, and the boys misbehave rather spectacularly] How dare you defy us like that?
Malcolm: Well we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor.
Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born. How could you be so heartless?
Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm: [whispering] Be cool.
Hal: [almost out of control] You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
Dewey: [oblivious] Can I have a napkin?
Hal: [he throws the napkin toward Dewey, still focusing on Malcolm and Reese] I cannot believe you two.
Lois: [losing it completely] All right, that's *it*! You're grounded for the rest of the school year.
Reese: You can't do that.
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Hal: [enraged] You do *not* talk to your mother that way, **ever**! You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not.
Reese: This family sucks. You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead.
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen]
Malcolm: What was that all about?
Reese: I don't know. She usually just says, 'I'm taking you with me.'

Lois: Mother, we can't afford to put you up here.
Grandma: You can afford a maid.
Piama: I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis.
Grandma: [to Lois] Tell the help not to talk to me.

Reese: I was really adopted, wasn't I?
Lois: No, you're ours. And we love you.
Reese: Damn.

[Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy]
Hal: Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois: You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

[talking about Malcolm's class picnic]
Malcolm: There won't be any meat. They all decided they didn't want to eat anything that has a mother.
Dewey: Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.
Lois: That's right. She has two daddies.
Reese: Two guys as your parents? That house has to be a dude's paradise.

Malcolm: Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something. It's not supposed to be like this.We're not supposed to injure my friends. We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants. We're supposed to be there for each other.
Lois: Like when a family member dies and we're supposed to go to their funeral?

[first lines]
Hal: [bursts into the boys' room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Hal: I need someone to take the fall.
Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God...
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: Done.
Lois: [screaming] Oh, my God!
Hal: [whispering] You're a good son.
[drags Malcolm out by his collar]
Hal: I got him, honey, don't worry!

Reese: [Malcolm in helping Reese practice cheerleading] Stick your arms out! We have to sell this!
Malcolm: Can you move your hand a little to the left?
Reese: Spread your legs!
Malcolm: No!
Reese: I said spread your legs
Malcolm: No!
Lois: It's time for the talk, Hal.
Malcolm: I'm not spreading my legs!

Francis: Mom! You're home early!
Lois: Yeap. Got fired.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: I gave someone two thousand dollars in change instead of twenty...

[Fixing dinner, Lois drops a roast on the floor, picks it up, begins to brush it off, and turns to find Dewey watching her]
Dewey: Give Reese a slice from the fuzzy side and I didn't see a thing.
Lois: Deal.

Hal: [to Mallory] Here you go, sweetie. Here's the make-up you wanted.
Mallory: Oh, thank you so much, Daddy!
Lois: Hal, what are you doing? You said she couldn't have that.
Hal: [while crying] Well, she asked me again, and told me that you said it would be okay after all, and you know, then she started getting all teary-eyed, and, I... I just... I...
Lois: Mallory! How could you do that?
Mallory: Don't worry, Mom. I won't wear it around the house. I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest.

Lois: Mom, you hate boy bands, right?
Grandma: They're making a living. Give 'em a break.

Lois: Francis, I can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
Francis: Aunt Helen died?
Lois: Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.
Francis: Well, when did she die? Mom, why didn't anybody tell me?
Lois: We didn't want to have to worry you over nothing.
Francis: Nothing? She's dead. How's Uncle Fred taking it?
Lois: I don't think he's thought too much about it. He died about two months ago.

Lois: Hal, it's time for the talk.
Hal: I don't know what you mean.
Lois: The talk, Hal.
Hal: Oh, geez. He's a little young, don't you think?
Lois: You waited so long with Francis. Look what happened there.
Hal: All right, but if I'm giving the talk, all three boys are getting it at the same time. And I'm not doing it again, so if we have any more kids, they're on their own.

Lois: What am I going to do with you, Reese? I don't want to tell you this is a new low, because every time I do, you take it as a personal challenge.

Lois: [about Jamie] He's absolutely the worst kid we have ever had!
Hal: Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois. It's just the hand we were dealt. God just doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.

Malcolm: [Lois is sorting the laundry] Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: For cryin' out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?
Malcolm: [pleading] Mom...
Lois: Why are you not wearing your underpants?
Malcolm: [embarrassed] I want to wear boxers.
Lois: Oh, really! Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you my dear: you are getting *way* ahead of yourself.
Malcolm: [to the viewer] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.

Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?

Lois: [about Hal] He's battling his arch enemy.
Francis: Is the squirrel back again?

Malcolm: Why do we have to get dressed like this? It's Reese's hearing.
Lois: 'Cause when the judge looks over at us, I want him to see that Reese comes from a respectable family that loves him very much.
Dewey: Why aren't they trying him as an adult?

Ed: That tree was older than your house. You had no right to cut it down. We're a neighborhood, and removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
Lois: Oh, yeah - you people! For fifteen years you've mowed your lawns in the middle of the night so you don't have to talk to us. Now, what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?
Hal: What's going on here?
Ed: You've caused a blight on our street by cutting down that tree.
Hal: How is cutting down a tree a blight?
Ed: Because now we can see your house.