100 Best Hal Quotes

Jody: [Jody, Francis' new girlfriend whom he met mere hours ago] Oh my God, you're Francis' dad? He talks about you *all the time*!
Hal: Really? You too!

Lois: [to Ida] Mom, we need to talk. We just got some interesting news from the doctor.
Hal: Yes, uh, it's very good news. Well, kind of good news. Extreme news.
Lois: I'm pregnant.
Grandma: You're joking.
Lois: Believe me, we were as surprised as... as you are. You know, we're already stretched to the limit financially, and obviously, another baby is gonna make things even harder for us.
Hal: Yes, so in light of that and the burden it's going to put on us, don't you think that certain actions should be re-examined?
Grandma: Yes, yes of course.
[Hal & Lois breathe a sigh of relief]
Grandma: You should settle.
Hal: What?
Lois: Mom!
Grandma: It's for your own good. You can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it.

Hal: Try to get Jamie to eat while I make a run for more diapers. If that nipple gets clogged, we've got some clean ones in the drawer. I'll only be gone ten minutes, and I don't want anything to go wrong during that time. I am trusting you boys are mature enough to handle this.
Reese: [once Hal is gone, and the door is shut] He said nipple!

Policeman: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
Hal: Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station. I mean, even if I did have the equipment in college, I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today. What's with all these questions? Do you have a warrant?

[Hal is trying to educate two-year-old Reese]
Hal: [singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But *not* literally.
Lois: [nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese.
[close-up of Lois' enlarged chest]
Lois: He's two years old and still calls you "phone".
[Hal leaves]
Young: Phone go bye-bye.

Lois: [Malcolm is in trouble after he chooses to publish an expletive-laced story in his school's literary magazine] What's her name?
Malcolm: Who?
Lois: The girl you're trying to impress. Hope she's cute.
Malcolm: [exasperated] This isn't about a girl!
Reese: A girl wrote the dirty story.
Hal: Oh, son, you want to be careful. A girl who writes dirty stories sounds a little advanced for you.
Malcolm: That's not what this is about! Ronnie's a lesbian.
Lois: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once in a while.

Hal: [Using sleeping pills to get Jellybean back] These are sleeping pills, Dewey. I simply told the doctor I've been up the past few nights, things aren't going well with the wife, afraid I'm going to lose the house... Now don't you worry, son. Those are just lies I told to get prescription drugs.

Hal: That's melba toast. If you can't make a sandwich out of that, you're just not trying hard enough.

Dewey: And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen - and we went to get Slurpees.
Reese: You did not. You just lied.
Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it.
Reese: No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat.
Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.

Hal: Lois, I keep finding your mother's teeth everywhere. Is she spitting them out or are they escaping?

Dewey: [Watching his new dog devour Ida's severed leg under the house] He's going to finish the whole thing! Call 911!
Hal: Dewey, what part of this looks like authorities should be involved?

Hal: Think they got a beer guy around here?
Lois: This is a charity event at an elementary school.
Hal: Hmmm, so I guess I gotta go to a stand?

Hal: [When it's revealed that Lois is pregnant] Oh, God, this is awful!
Lois: This can't be right. This must be some sort of mistake!
Hal: What are we going to do?
Lois: I don't know. We can't afford the children we have!

[first lines]
Hal: [bursts into the boys' room] Who wants to make 5 bucks?
Malcolm: How?
Hal: I need someone to take the fall.
Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God...
Malcolm: What did you do?
Hal: I can't tell you. Yes or no? No questions asked.
Lois: [from downstairs] Oh, my God!
Malcolm: Make it 10.
Hal: Done.
Lois: [screaming] Oh, my God!
Hal: [whispering] You're a good son.
[drags Malcolm out by his collar]
Hal: I got him, honey, don't worry!

Dewey: [the boys are watching TV after their bedtime] How come she's allowed to be naked on the kitchen table, and I'm not?
Reese: Dewey, if a cop tells you to do something, you do it.
Hal: [Enter Hal] What are you boys doing? I told you to go to bed hours ago.
Reese: Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, 'Go to bed'. You didn't say, 'Go to bed now.' If you leave us a loophole like that, I don't see how this can be our fault.

Hal: Do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra?
Malcolm: Yeah,
Reese: Of Course.
Hal: Well Brian's bringing her over tonight and I think she's bringing a friend.
Reese: Kristen?
Hal: Yeah, something, but Brian is playing poker, so I need you two to entertain them. Understand?
Malcolm,197599: Uh huh.
Hal: I mean it guys, I don't want you bothering us. I want you and those girls in your room all night with the door closed. Got it?
Reese: [to Malcolm] There's your birthday present.

Hal: One boy's purse is another boy's book bag... if he's European. Besides, I can't tell you how many times I've been jealous of your mother and her purse. You know, we men have to shove our whole lives in a little square of leather, that we then have to sit on.

Malik: What's the number?
Abraham: Whoa whoa whoa, we're not gonna do this. Just deal the cards, will you?
Malik: Three.
Brian: Four.
Steve,92505: Four.
Abraham: Five.
Hal: Two.
Trey: Two?
Brian: Just twice a week?
Hal: Per week? Oh, then fourteen.
Brian: Fourteen? Come on.
Malik: No way.
Abraham: No, he's telling the truth. believe me. I went on vacation with him. If anything he's underselling himself
Hal: I guess I win. I mean it's really none of your business.
Steve: I don't care how high you wear your socks, you ain't beatin' that.

Hal: Dewey, go easy on the orange juice, that stuff doesn't grow on... wait, it does! So why's it so damn expensive?

Hal: This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.
Reese: What if we want to watch it again?
Hal: I found it in the dishwasher.

Hal: Honey, I know you think this is silly, and that I've just gone off the deep end again, but this isn't like the other times. I have a gift, Lois. And it would be wrong for me to turn my back on that.
Lois: Right. I see we've entered Phase Two. Which is fine, as long as you follow the rules. You have to go to work. You have to eat. You cannot involve the children.
Hal: And you're freezing the Joint Account.
Lois: Did it last week.

Hal: One man's garbage is another man's anniversary present.

Hal: Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.

Policeman: What is it you said you're doing here?
Hal: We're watching the cat.
Policeman: I don't see a cat.
Hal: We're not doing a very good job.

Lois: You couldn't have said twice as good as Disneyland?
Hal: You saw those presents, Lois! What was I supposed to do? My presents were crap! What did you make them?
Lois: Lanyards.
Hal: Still better than what I had. Look, I underestimated these boys, Lois, and they deserve to have a really great Christmas. How much money do we have?
Lois: Zero.
Hal: No, I mean everything: credit cards, loose change, everything?
Lois: Oh. Minus $512.
Hal: What? Oh, for God's sakes! Can you think of a Christmas reason for stopping somewhere I can sell blood?
Lois: Oh, Hal, don't worry about it. It'll be okay. You just need to find something that's a thousand times better than Disneyland, open on Christmas Day, and free.
Hal: Just because it's hard, Lois, doesn't mean it's impossible.

Dewey: Mom, dad, guess what? The tooth fairy came.
Lois: He did?
Hal: Oh, so what'd he give you? A couple dollars?
Dewey: I got a rock and a half a stick of gum.
Lois: Malcolm! Reese!

Hal: [Discipline is suffering while Lois is away at her sister's] You crossed the line, mister. And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer and no video games, because I am at zero tolerance with you boys. Did you just roll your eyes at me? As long as you are living in this house, I demand your respect.
Malcolm: For what? This house is a pig sty. Everything in the fridge is expired. I found a piece of cake in the shower!
Dewey: That's mine!

[Lois demands Hal get a vasectomy]
Hal: Those parts mean a lot to me.
Lois: You're not that guy, Hal. You never were that guy.
Hal: When it comes to this, every guy is that guy.

[Lois drags Reese out the door of his apartment by the ear]
Reese: Ow! You gonna drag me all the way home?
Hal: Well, we're taking your ear there. If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine too.

[Malcolm has just beaten up a seven-year-old]
Malcolm: I did something horrible. Don't you even care?
Hal: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake.
Reese: Besides it sends a good message to our enemies.
Malcolm: What are you talking about? What enemies?
Reese: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this they'll know were capable of anything.

Hal: Boys, let me tell you something, the only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial! If I was gonna let myself get beaten by failure I woud've quit after one kid!

Hal: [Hal gets up to check on the kids] You better be naked when I get back.
Lois: Done.

Dewey: [the family is playing the board game March and Conquer] Guess what? We look just like the family on the box.
Hal: Oh, yeah.
Dewey: Can I be the little girl?
Hal: Not on my watch, son.

[Lois screams]
Hal: Oh my God, did we just-?
Dewey: Go! She can only ground me! Get your keys and go!
Hal: But-!
Dewey: Go!
[Lois screams again, Hal runs out]

Hal: Listen, son, I know you're worried about the baby coming, but you don't have to be. Yes, you're not going to be the youngest any more, and it is true the baby will get all of our attention for quite a while, and you will have to do a lot more work around the house, and probably have to share the bedroom...
Lois: What your father is trying to say is, there is no reason for you to be acting up like this. Now, get this mess cleaned up. And the baby is not talking to you.
Dewey: It said you'd say that.

Hal: The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent/teacher conference.

Hal: Take that, you damned dirty helper monkey.

Lois: No motorcycles ever! You do not talk about motorcycles! You do not think, you do not wish, you do not even reminisce about those stupid idiotic death traps! They do not exist. Motorcycles do not exist. Say it!
Hal: Motorcycles do not exist.
Lois: What does not exist?
Hal: I don't know.
Lois: Good.

Hal: If you try anything, anything, at all, I will be on you like a rainbow on an oil slick.

Lois: [tensions have been mounting as Hal learns of a possible health problem, and the boys misbehave rather spectacularly] How dare you defy us like that?
Malcolm: Well we wouldn't have had to if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor.
Lois: You two are the most ungrateful, badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born. How could you be so heartless?
Reese: What is heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
Malcolm: [whispering] Be cool.
Hal: [almost out of control] You were at a party? While we were here worrying?
Dewey: [oblivious] Can I have a napkin?
Hal: [he throws the napkin toward Dewey, still focusing on Malcolm and Reese] I cannot believe you two.
Lois: [losing it completely] All right, that's *it*! You're grounded for the rest of the school year.
Reese: You can't do that.
Malcolm: You're crazy!
Hal: [enraged] You do *not* talk to your mother that way, **ever**! You will show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves, whether I am here or not.
Reese: This family sucks. You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead.
[Lois is stunned, speechless, and she and Hal leave the kitchen]
Malcolm: What was that all about?
Reese: I don't know. She usually just says, 'I'm taking you with me.'

Hal: If you don't tell your mother, I'll let you squash something.
Dewey: Can I squash Reese's bike?
Hal: Sure... it's in the trunk.

Dewey: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is...
Hal: You have to go to school.
Dewey: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week?
Lois: [sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school.
Dewey: [happily] Okay.

Lois: Just let me talk to him, and I can end this in five minutes.
Sgt. Rowdy: I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think that's a good idea. We have trained psychologists to handle kids in these situations. We know how they think.
Lois: Think? My son doesn't think. He's just driving around in circles. He's made three laps around this city already.
Hal: [watching the TV coverage] There's our drycleaner again.
Dewey: [handing the officer a nude baby snapshot] Here's another picture of my brother you can show on TV.
Lois: Just get him on the phone and let me handle this. I'm the only one who knows how.
Sgt. Rowdy: Trust me, we have this under control.
Lois: [spitting angry] Don't think I don't know what's gonna happen. You're gonna do your standard police thing and my son is going to get killed in a hail of gunfire.
Sgt. Rowdy: Ma'am, that almost never happens.

Hal: Dewey, don't be scared, but there is a big spider next to you.
Dewey: Yeah dad, there's always a spider on bacon day.
Malcolm: [to the camera] You know, I'm not feeling that good. I could give Dad some of mine, but that's not really in the true spirit of Bacon Day.

Hal: They don't think, Francis, they never have. The only thing their heads are good for is to plug up their necks.

[Lois and Hal were forced to miss out on Dewey's performance because of Malcolm and Reese misbehaving and brawling at the Go-Kart race]
Lois: I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals.
Hal: For what is worth, you both are grounded again.

Hal: Keys. Where the hell are the keys?
Reese: [Locked in a bass violin case] I've got them, now let's go.

Lois: Hal, it's time for the talk.
Hal: I don't know what you mean.
Lois: The talk, Hal.
Hal: Oh, geez. He's a little young, don't you think?
Lois: You waited so long with Francis. Look what happened there.
Hal: All right, but if I'm giving the talk, all three boys are getting it at the same time. And I'm not doing it again, so if we have any more kids, they're on their own.

Hal: And then the stop sign army springs into action all in support of the military industrial country club complex.

Lois: You know what, Hal? I'm done. I give up.
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: Jamie wins. He beat me. All those years, all those terrible things those kids have done. It doesn't make me stronger, it's just worn me down. Like termites eating away at a house, until all that's holding up is paint. I'm just paint, Hal. Jamie knows it. You'll do a better job than I can. I trust you.
Hal: No, no, no. No-no-no-no-no-no! You can't leave me alone with those kids! We had a deal, Lois! You are in charge of the spiritual and emotional development, discipline and scary injuries. I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames and supply car snacks. You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!

Hal: I have to get my speech ready.
Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
Lois: They're not looking to you. They're looking at you.
Hal: To, at. What's the difference?

Hal: Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own, and frankly I don't think that's such a bad thing!

Hal: [to Ida] You're suing us?
Lois: Hal, keep it down. The boys are in the house!
Grandma: Don't be so dramatic. I'm suing insurance company.
Hal: Our insurance company!
Grandma: You don't think I have a case? You don't think I have pain that I have suffered? For years, I have suffered in silence.
Francis: You useless, miserable, money-grabbing old hag!
Grandma: Keep talking, tough boy. I sue you too.

Hal: What do you need?
Reese: Your mindless robot-like obedience to every demand I make, no matter how small.
Dewey: Plus we get to eat anything that falls on the floor.

Lois: You put the baby in the closet?
Hal: You left the milk on the table?

Hal: She can't get away with this! I've had it, I'm going to toss her out on her cage!
Lois: Hal, we can't do that. She's my mother! My twisted, horrible monster of a mother.

Reese: Hey, Dad? I have a little situation that maybe you can help me out with. There's this girl who...
Hal: I suggest that you leave her alone before she calls the police on you.
Reese: Okay, thanks.

Hal: If this baby's half as bad as our least bad one, we're still ruined.

Hal: [re: Francis] You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' Weekend at the military school, you two got into a swordfight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, '*You* shut up.' Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.
Lois: [pause] He started it.
Hal: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: No, you said he started it. What does that mean?
Lois: Just leave me alone.
Hal: How the hell can a baby start anything?
Lois: I don't know, Hal! Everything started so badly right after he was born!
Hal: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything?
Lois: I was stuck in the hospital. Without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks. All I could do was lie there, and worry about him, and think about how much he needed me, to nurse him, and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he's happy! He couldn't care less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him, and he was happy as a clown! I was just an intrusion.
Hal: Honey, I had no idea.
Lois: [breaking down] I know, it's wrong. And I know it's creepy! And I can't help it! I'm the worst mother of all time!
[They both burst into tears]
Hal: It's just as much my fault. We've never gotten this right! We are utter failures as parents! I mean, look at this pigsty! Look at how we live!
Lois: Why do we even bother making a will? All we'll leave our children is misery!
Hal: This family is an unmitigated disaster!

Lois: Hal, why don't you take the boys out tomorrow and do something fun? I could use the time alone, anyway, to straighten up the house before the baby comes.
Piama: I can help you clean.
Lois: [trying to disguise her resentment of Piama] Well, that'll take a little longer, but I guess I could use the company.
Hal: Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.
Malcolm: Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.
Lois: Oh, come on, Malcolm. If we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.

Lois: The teacher thinks I have a dancer's ankles. What do you think? Huh? Want to dance with the star pupil?
Hal: Huh?
Lois: You know, *dance*!
Hal: No, I'm not in the mood.
Lois: You're always in the mood.
Hal: Not every single night of my life.
Lois: Yes you are.
Hal: I'm not like some kind of machine.
Lois: Yes you *are*.
Hal: You can't just snap your fingers...
Lois: Yes, I can. I always have.
Hal: [annoyed, seeing no way out] Oh, all right!

Hal: I want Dewey to be proud of his old man.
[under his breath]
Hal: One out of four wouldn't be so bad.

Hal: When you tip the valet always fold your dollar up real tight, that way, by the time he sees what he's got, you're down the block!

Hal: [about Lois' meddling in Francis and Piama's marriage] Okay, I'm not smart enough to figure out what you're up to. But when something bad happens, I am blaming you.

Hal: [after being busted for trespassing on an artillery range] Of course, we're terribly sorry about this and we realize that fences are there for a reason. However, in fairness, when we climbed the fence we weren't sure if we were going in or out. You want to explain the theory, son?
Malcolm: Not really.
Major: This is a highly classified testing ground and I could very easily detain the three of you indefinitely for national security reasons.
Reese: Know what nobody's mentioned? Is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I've got to tell you, I'm not impressed.
Malcolm: [to camera] Well, the great thing about this trip is the next time I hear we can't afford to go on vacation I think I'll be okay with it.

Hal: Now remember, boys, if you see the bobcat, don't be a hero. Stand on a chair and use your whistle.

Hal: Dewey, what did I tell you about raw meat?
Dewey: [mouth full of raw meat] I'm not.

Reese: [Lois begins making a scene when she learns the pizza restaurant has been charging a hidden gratuity fee] Oh no, is this going to be shoe-store bad, or circus bad?
Malcolm: I think it's going to be ten-items-or-less-aisle bad.
Hal: Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go...
Dewey: [days later, at home] I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like.
Reese: I told you not to brush your teeth.

Malcolm: You know the other day at the store when I pretended not to know you?
Hal: Yeah. That was a new low.

Francis: [Francis is on the phone to Dewey] How did she die?
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
Dewey: Cats ate her face.
Francis: Put Mom or Dad on the phone.
Hal: [Dewey hands the phone to Hal] Hello?
Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
Hal: Cats ate her face. Here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.
[hands the phone back to Dewey]

Dewey: Is Malcolm a robot?
Hal: [sighs] No, son. He's just very, very, very, very, very smart.

Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little
[Lego]
Hal: community needs a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Aww, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Oh. A cannibal utopia. Interesting.

Malcolm: Can I have the potatoes?
Hal: You can have anything you want son if you're willing to work for it, just reach for the stars and never let go. I should've told you that a long time ago. And when you write an angry letter hold on to it for a day, you might not feel the same in the morning, and NEVER invest in a friend's restaurant, never...

Hal: Look, Fats, I don't want you around my house no more.
Craig Feldspar: Hey, you don't go to the fat thing and I won't go to the crazy thing.

Commandant: In my thirty years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
Hal: Sir, did you say "caned?"
Commandant: No.

Hal: [arguing with Lois] Okay, let's hear it! This has to be *my* fault somehow. So, go ahead. Say it! Come on. I'm the cause of all that is bad in the universe! Everything that I touch turns to crap! And now...
[screams]
Hal: ... I BRING YOU RAIN!
[thunder]

Reese: Guess what? I got another raise! Mr DeSilvio said that when I clean the gunk out of the rendering machine, I vomit less than anyone who's ever worked there.
Hal: Awwh. I'm glad someone's career is on track.

Hal: Dewey, want to go with me to take the old couch to the dump?
Dewey: No, I wanna watch cartoons.
Hal: [in amazement] Are you kidding? We're talking about the *city dump*. Mountains of smoldering garbage as far as you can see. Swarms of flies that block out the sun.
Dewey: [getting very interested] Really?
Hal: Last time I was there, I saw a forty-pound seagull carry off a dog in its beak!
Dewey: *Wow!*

Lois: What are we going to do? We're in debt up to our eyeballs as it is.
Lois: Well, we're just going to have to cut back. No more vacations, stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays and it wouldn't kill us to stop wearing designer labels.
Hal: Hal, whose life are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff.

Hal: There isn't even a picture of you in the yearbook.
Francis: Look under Pete Zahutt.

Hal: [Trying to fly a kite, and gets wrapped up in the string] I'm sick of this! I HATE KITES! I HAVE ALWAYS HATED KITES!!!

Hal: You know those nature shows where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, then injects it full of larvae? It stays alive for weeks, completely aware, feeling every little bite as the larvae devour it from the inside. I sat in a cubicle every day envying that caterpillar, cause at least he got to be on TV. I hated that job. I was a crappy employee.

Lois: You went from a part with no lines to the lead in the High School play?
Hal: That's great. It's not a musical, is it?
Malcolm: No.
Hal: That's great.
Reese: Dude, you play a fairy?
Lois: Not just any fairy, Reese, he's the biggest fairy in the whole play.

Hal: They should've just fired me! I was a terrible employee. I never read a memo, I came in late, I blew off fridays. What the hell is wrong with those people?

Hal: Yes, Mr. Jackson, there is a perfectly good reason why I did not come in to work today. Because, I decided that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just did not sound like much fun. Well, I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree.

Lois: After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people. And the one time I ask you for something, something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for and all I get are complaints!
Hal: Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or... or cruising around on my hog?
Lois: What hog?
Hal: Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?

Malcolm: [to Reese] Give me my pen. I'm warning you!
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do? What's the baby going to do?
Malcolm: [punches Reese which knocks him to the ground]
Lois: Malcolm!
Hal: [as the rest of the family gathers around Reese] Malcolm? You can take Reese?

Hal: [Hiding in a playhouse] You're an idiot. Everybody in this playhouse is an idiot.
Teen: Ha ha, you just called yourself an idiot.

Lois: Hal, just say it again, please. I really need to hear it.
Hal: Okay. Reese... is hopeless.
Lois: Thank you.

Otto: How far do you think we've gone?
Hal: Well, judging by that rock formation over there, about twelve feet.

Reese: [about Malcolm's play to his parents] It's over? You promised me partial nudity.
Hal: Yeah, that was a lie.
Reese: And ice cream after?
Hal: That too.

Salesman: This may sound cliché, Hal, but what can I do to put you in that car today?
Hal: You can give me $90,000.

Hal: But this is ridiculous. $93 to get gifts for four boys.
Lois: Well, it's our own fault. We just weren't frugal enough.
Hal: What else can we do? We're already doing No-Electricity Wednesdays, Lunch Lotteries, Family Flush.

Reese: Dad, remember the chocolate soufflé I made for Thanksgiving two years ago?
Hal: Oh, yeah, that was...
Reese: RAT PUKE compared to what I have planned. The crêpes I made last Thanksgiving?
Hal: Oh, they were...
Reese: CRAP next to what we're having tonight. Don't think of this as a meal. This is like eating the Mona Lisa.

Ed: That tree was older than your house. You had no right to cut it down. We're a neighborhood, and removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
Lois: Oh, yeah - you people! For fifteen years you've mowed your lawns in the middle of the night so you don't have to talk to us. Now, what, all of a sudden we're a neighborhood?
Hal: What's going on here?
Ed: You've caused a blight on our street by cutting down that tree.
Hal: How is cutting down a tree a blight?
Ed: Because now we can see your house.

Lionel: [notices Hal mopping] What are you doing?
Hal: Mopping. In about five minutes, I will have my two hours and that should be enough to discharge my obligation from the volunteer program.
Lionel: Oh, no, it does not, because you've been expelled.
Hal: All I know is I've been mopping! And this floor looks pretty darn clean to me!
Lionel: But that was UNAUTHORIZED mopping!
Hal: It is spotless! And maybe we should just see whether the principal thinks it's a job well done.
Lionel: [walks over to a plant and throws a handful of dirt on the ground] It's not even clean.

Hal: [to Mallory] Here you go, sweetie. Here's the make-up you wanted.
Mallory: Oh, thank you so much, Daddy!
Lois: Hal, what are you doing? You said she couldn't have that.
Hal: [while crying] Well, she asked me again, and told me that you said it would be okay after all, and you know, then she started getting all teary-eyed, and, I... I just... I...
Lois: Mallory! How could you do that?
Mallory: Don't worry, Mom. I won't wear it around the house. I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest.

Abraham: Oh my God. That woman fell out of the sexy tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Hal: Abe, you dog!

[Reese wants to get his learner's permit]
Hal: Reese surrounded by 6,000 pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel. It's like giving a shark a submachine gun.

Lois: [about Jamie] He's absolutely the worst kid we have ever had!
Hal: Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois. It's just the hand we were dealt. God just doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.